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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Don't hug me, I have monkey pox. Oh, monkey pox, that's the one. You'd be like, bro, you'd be all lumped up. But thank you so much for coming here. Very cool. I know it got fucked up today. I appreciate it so much. You're doing it, Bill. You're trying, you know, you got...
Podcasts and shows and people. So do you. You have more shows than anybody. Look at the way your shit turned out. I know, right? I knew I was going to be a comedian when I was 10. But you had other careers. Yeah, because I had that house with the moms and the teachers and shit. The what? My mom was a school teacher. So it just was like, yes, please.
Please. Don't mind if I do. Are you drinking? No, I got a very dirty martini right here. Well, that was technically drinking. No, but no, it's actually just green drink. No, I'm not drinking. No, it's just a green juice. Ugly looking drink. It's green juice. I'm not, because I hosted this thing last night. It's so fine. Hosted what? So the YWCA Phenomenal Woman of the Year. Didn't you host the, I don't know.
Oscars or the Grammys? The Emmys. Oh, the Emmys. The Emmys is the last one. Jesus Christ. And then you'll do this one too, huh? I don't know. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, I'm sure they pay you a lot of money. You've hosted those before, right? What? You hosted one of those, right? Never. Really?
I am definitely not Persona. Smooth, refreshing flavor, huh? Step up to the cool, refreshing flavor. I don't think love gets in that works. Cool. Yeah, I guess. Clove cigarettes. Cloves. Oh, man. You know that clove smell? They ride on your lungs like a velvet pussy. That's nice, man. But you obviously take jobs.
That you don't need the money. Yeah, you do them for...
And that's the cachet, right? A little money, of course. But it's not crazy. It's not the life-changing money anymore. But it's the kind of thing that you do to say that you hosted the Emmys and it gives it this kind of supposedly... No, I'm saying the Emmys, I understand. It's the other one. Oh, the Phenomenal Woman. That came strictly from a favor. That's what I'm asking about. Oh, the Emmys, I get. That one was...
That one was the guy that actually does my golf tournament was producing this one. And he calls you and goes, hey, man, you know, I want to make it look special. But you do work a lot. Yeah. You're a little Leno-esque. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yeah. And, you know, I much rather, though. Right. You know, like, because what do you do? You sit around and you...
I guess you kind of, I'd rather just be going and do something than to sit around and just be talking about the old days and people want to talk about the old days with you and shit. But you have a family. Well, your kids are grown? Well, they're still fairly young, but...
But you want to get away from them. I mean, it's normal. I mean, you're a normal person. I'm like, happily married. Of course. You want to get away. You want to go away from that. That's why God invented golf. For four hours, I've got a reason. Who would really ever want to play golf? Do you play golf? I do. Oh, you do? I'm actively against it. Yeah, I've heard that. But you know, like all the guys, me and D.L. and...
George, that's our little clique. Chido, Anthony Anderson. Oh, you've got a golfing clique. Yeah, we've got a whole little clique up. We go and hang and go places and shit. Oh, so it's like the Kings of Comedy Golf Club excuse to be gone. It's a sequel. The Kings of Comedy play golf. It's such an excuse group to be like, oh, you know, I was with Anthony and I got to go.
I gotta go. It's with George. Do you remember Vernon Jordan? Yes. I had a chance to meet him a couple of times. Oh, yeah. And he was Clinton's buddy. Yeah. I remember that got into the press that he once said, somebody asked him, what do you and Clinton talk about on the golf course? Because they were always golfing buddies. And he said, pussy. Oh, God.
And that's well documented. That's history, my friend. Yeah, that's really wise. And of course, looking back, I'm like, what else would they be talking about? Bill Clinton, of course you're talking about. I remember I had a best, I did Michael Jordan's golf tournament one year and Clint was there. And I did a joke like right about that energy. I said, you know, Bill Clinton's here, one of the coolest people in the world. And, you know, I don't know if he said this or not,
But I could have swore he leaned into me and said, it's some bitches in this motherfucker. And it just fucking killed the room. Because that's what you think about when you think of him. I have a great Bill Clinton story. This is the 90s, of course. He was president. And I was, I guess, much more persona grata. Well, the Democratic Party was very different. Right. I was more fully, I wasn't as critical. Because they weren't as fucking nuts. Believe me, I didn't change. What? Yeah.
But so I was invited a number of times to a Clinton event when he was out on the West Coast. I introduced him a couple of times. So there was something I think he was. Yes, he was going up to Seattle.
to something called the, oh, it was a WTO meeting, World Trade Organization. Really dull shit. Especially in the 90s. Grain. How much grain can we get? Come on, man. Tariffs. Like the boringest shit. Yes, we'll let you bring the fucking Kia into our country. Exactly. So this is the 90s when I was a swinging bachelor.
So I brought this young lady. This is a date. I made everything into a date. So I'll take you to meet Bill Clinton at this thing. So it was about a reception, I guess, of fundraisers and shit, some celebrities. I don't know. It was probably about 50 people.
And he spoke, or some little remarks. And then there was a line where everybody was going to come by, and he stands there. We've done it. Sure. When we do backstage meet and greets, they call them. Okay, so I'm on the line with this beautiful girl. And...
We get up to there, and she stands on one side of Clinton, and I'm on the other side of him. And they're taking the picture. Everybody gets like two seconds, just enough to take the picture. And I said to him, boy, I'm sure glad you're going to represent us at the World Trade Organization because that shit makes my eyes glaze over. That's what I said to him. And he spent the next five minutes
looking me in the eye and lecturing, not lecturing, explaining to me why world trade was important and blah, blah, blah, blah. We get off the line and I said to the girl, I said, can you believe that? He spent five minutes telling me about trade. Everybody else he talked to for two seconds. She said, yeah, he was rubbing my back the whole time.
Yes. Isn't that awesome? He was rubbing my back the whole time. You need to understand why. You got to admire. That's a nice movement. But wait, the fucking skill of a guy to pull that off.
Like one part of his brain is getting world trade just right, and the other part is grabbing ass. And making it work for him. And making it work. It's like, yo, she's not fucking panicking. She's not. No. It's like, yo, like, you know, I pulled that move off. No. In his defense, she could have said to me, he grabbed my ass. She did not. And so I know he didn't. Right. This was a private conversation. Right.
That is my defense of Bill Clinton. He just rubs your back. He does not grab your ass. It's a nice massage, and who doesn't love that? That is something to be said for a person. Yeah. That's something to be said for a person. They used to call him the first black president. Remember that? Yeah, because he played the saxophone. Somebody said that, like, somebody in, I think it was somebody like...
Like who's the, you know, the, I'm stoned so I can't think of, you know. An author? Yeah, like Tony Morrison maybe. Okay. Somebody like that, I think, gave him that moniker.
Oh. But looking back, I feel like that doesn't really age well. No. Like you wouldn't do it today. No, you wouldn't do that today. Like, you know, even if you played the saxophone with a do-rag on. So what did you think of that at the time? I think it was, you know, again, it was all about, like, at the time, you say the Democratic Party was different. It was, you know, it was just kind of...
What were you doing? Like, cool. What did you think? Would you think that that's, like, how dare you? No. I mean, there was a degree of coolness about his swagger that kind of emoted that. Trump has it, too. No. He had it. He used to have it. That's what a lot of people don't know. And so many people, like, used to see. I remember seeing Donald Trump.
Trump in uh in like Miami at a Miami basketball game and he would lie he like Cedric like call me out like you know you go over you dab him up yeah, you know like he was like fucking like one of the boys like yes, true And you know you think he changed when he got here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he changed a bit I was probably knows the problem probably not and he still had the that pugnacious
fuck you world attitude and never back down about anything. I mean, you talk about swagger. Like, remember when he got caught saying, I grabbed pussy? Yes. And then he made like a two- And Billy Bush got fired. Like, fucking Billy. And he made like a two-minute hostage video where he went, I'm not a perfect person. You know, you could see him rolling his eyes. I can't believe I have to say this. I'm not a, never said I was a perfect person before.
Okay, but can we get on with the campaign? And everybody around him, everybody said, you've got to get out. No one will survive this. And he went, watch me, hold my beer. Yeah, hold my beer, man, for real. And like I said, the whole shift went to Billy Bush. I was like, why is Billy Bush the bad guy in this one?
I did not understand that because he giggled. He giggled at someone saying something so boldly on camera. The woke people moved the goalposts. They constantly are doing that as to what's an offense. And the goalposts move from just doing something bad to now you can't just be around like...
You were somebody in a dorm room in 1985 had a Confederate flag and you didn't do something about it? You laughed at a Woody Allen movie? You know, like this kind of movie. But you know, it's kind of like, just by association, you didn't, you know, they fired the bachelor host, the least important job in the world.
Has to be, right? Well, it's The Bachelor. People love it. They're watching in. They're tuning in. But how couldn't anyone host it? Right. True. But this guy had to go because he was talking to one of the contestants who had her wedding at a place that used to be a plantation. Yes. What about Al Franken, though? Yes.
That was the one, Al Franken, man. Did nothing. Nothing. That was the one, right? Al Franken, they railroaded. And that's something, to your point, I always say you talk about that. So never see the Democrats stand up to Republicans. You got Matt Gaetz and we got those guys. They don't give a damn, man. They ran a child molester in Alabama. Yes, yes.
I'm not recommending the Democrats run a child molester. I'm just saying, I guess we're both saying. They can't even get away from Pizzagate or some shit. What was that shit?
But the one about the getting married, I mean, Ryan Reynolds also had to put out a big public apology because they had some, maybe they got married. I guess they sell these former plantations as, you know, now it's just a beautiful spot. I mean, nature didn't keep the people, the trees didn't keep the people as slaves. Right.
And you have to like... The trees participated in some cases. Yes. The trees were like, they were culpable. They were enlisted. You were in on the deal somehow, unfortunately, yeah. But, okay. So, like the bachelor dude is fired just because he was interviewing her about it and...
Don't know what he was supposed to do like go back in time with a time machine and then slap the mint julep out of her I I don't I don't know what they I don't know I Don't know what love the image of slapping the mint julep. Yeah, I don't know what But no Because you know you had that speech in barbershop. Oh
Yeah, that kind of made you yeah put you on another level only time only time I you know I'm not very controversial like you know in general like evil, you know with my comedy or anything That was a very that's when you become news right explosive. Yeah, you become news and there was a character role exists so true, but it would have been I
Oh, it would have been viral. It was in its era. Because I was getting phone calls like, like, Jesse Jackson called my house. Al Sharpton called me. Like, it was like, it was like you had to deal with the... To yell at you? Yeah, you had to deal with the elite, like, of black culture because of this. And what did they say to you? What were they scolding you? Well, I mean, nobody really scolded, like, like, to me, like, Jesse Jackson was, like, just saying, like...
He was saying that, you know, I thought it was the most interesting thing was that when you say these kind of things, they'll just take that one excerpt and, you know, and to a kid in Brazil. You were a character. It's a character, right? It's a character. And I understand it, but again. No, you understand it. Yeah, but. They don't. I was like, you know, it was a character that was very believable. Like, you believe what he said. And so you kind of. Because that character exists. Exactly. And that was my point. Yeah.
It's the barbershop right if you got into barbershop being that guy right we're not doing an authentic movie like that is a guy in there That's totally right on the fucking book with everybody than anything else it identified the movie with its appropriate theme exact and and sort of branded Yeah, we're you know barbershop with that idea. Yeah of I mean my right behind you is that sign? It says politically incorrect. Oh, yeah, you know that was a term that
Was that a new term, Neil? Yes, we went to court because somebody else wanted to use it. So I know it was a novel term at the time because it was a court case, which we lost. But I remember, yes. But, you know, barbershop is very similar in that tone. Like, can't there be one place and then real time? I'm always trying to get the realist perspective
that people have in the green room after the show. The thing I hate to hear the most is somebody says something great two minutes after the show ends. Right. A million times I've wanted to say, why didn't you fucking say that on the show? You know what happens, though, is to your point, is like everything...
Everything now is clipped up, using one little dose to either make that narrative one way or the other, right? I mean, you have to deal with that all the time because you say bold statements, and if I take a little bit of that out of context, it can be even more egregious at any given time, right? But that's the bad part of it. The good part of it is the little clip, even if it's misleading—
Gets anyone who has you know half a brain to maybe look at the whole thing hopefully I'm not saying the majority. Yeah, but I'm not going after the majority. Okay. I gave up on them a long time ago You know, I mean I see but that but they never build mainstream. I
But that minority is getting so much bigger now, the idea that people will just take the information that they already believe that they want to know. Right? They don't want to hear a real answer. Oh, of course. They just accept what I already believe I think I know. And that's it. That's the biggest problem, I think. That gap has gotten bigger.
That gap of people that's like that now in the world to me. People are so into their own silos of like, this is what I believe and so this is what I watch and it reinforces it. It used to just be, and again, to the point of I didn't change, it used to just be Fox that did that. I used to endlessly make fun of Fox and still do, by the way. They leave that part out.
when they show me on Fox, the part where I'm actually shitting on them. But, you know, because they're in a bubble and you don't hear, you know, like they did not air the January 6th hearing. At all. Right. It's like, if it doesn't fit our narrative, you can't even hear about it. How? And now MSNBC does their version of that. That's my problem. Right. Now what they're, they're not as bad because they're not as virulent. Right.
and what they believe is closer to what I believe, but I still don't like that. Don't
Shut me out of hearing the full story. Don't make me hear whatever you're saying. I always am saying to myself, yeah, but I know there's another side of this that you're not telling me. Always. Which pisses me off when I find out. I'm going to hate you when I find out. You know, you could have told me that and it would have given me the whole story, but you didn't. And now I do know and I fucking think you're an asshole for it.
Back to you, Chris. Do you read as much as people think you do? No. Because the bitch is gone. I'm a pothead and I'm not married. Everybody would swear to God you're single. I got club random. I'm not reading. I mean, I read, but I read like, it's amazing how much you can get from
Yeah, I do read a lot, I guess, during the week. Fox News? I never watch Fox News. I don't watch any cable news anymore. I mean, I used to love my Brian Williams.
I know what you're saying. Two boomer white guys. Brian Williams has swag, too. Yes! Thank you. I used to sell him. I said, it's like watching Cary Grant do the news. You know? He does have swag. He's from New Jersey. Yeah, he's got swag. Oh, I'm glad you... There's certain things that you like about people. That's what we kind of identify about him. At the same time, but always being so on point.
Yeah. You know, never slipped off that edge of like offending anybody, but he was still wry and witty. Great words. We have great words. Yes. And never, ever, unlike so many journalists today, and I use that term loosely, especially in television, no likes, no um,
no you knows. I mean, there are professional CNN reporters and they cannot get through a sentence without saying you know twice. Wow. I can see that of the person who was just in a tornado who you're interviewing. I can see why they can't speak fucking English. But you're supposed to be the fucking host of this thing. Take your next vacation and get rid of the you knows. You know? Maybe they hit the weed. Yeah.
That'll make you that'll make you you know, and um quite a bit like so this is your first time smoking shot No, what what how old were you when you first were introduced to clove cigarettes clothes No, probably
I would say probably like 16, 17, but I don't think I really smoked until I went to college. Me too. I didn't start until 19, and I'm glad. Because I'm glad I was not stoned in my adolescence when I was... Ideas were bad enough without pot. I can only imagine what that does. But also, I'm glad my lungs were more fully developed before I started shoving toxins in them. Sure.
But sure, after I started, it's been the love of my life. Did you ever just stop or just chill at any given time for a long period of time? Now that is an interesting question because it's been something that's crossed my mind a zillion times because I'm always thinking that would be great to give it up for a month. And I'm someone who does fast. I can give up food for five days. Right.
And when I do a fast, of course, I have to give a pot. Right. Because it would make me fucking get the munchies. Sure. It's hard enough to do without it. Yeah, let alone just like... But... And I don't miss it when I'm on a fast because I don't expect...
I use it. It's not an addiction. I know that sounds ridiculous. Because I've been able to control it for 40 years. But it's not because it doesn't like... I know what an addiction is. I was a smoker. I did coke for a year or two. Like an addiction is something that calls you and scratches at you and says, do me now.
Yeah. It's the boss. That has never been the boss. I don't even think about it unless I want to use it for a specific purpose. Right. In this case, talking to you. Sure, which is great.
Because, like, I save it. See, I don't smoke. It justifies my reasoning. Right. I don't longer have to explain myself at all. To the Department of Fisheries and Hatcheries, let's smoke to that. I mean, they do not get enough credit, my friend. My friend. Seriously.
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You know what? I've never been an everyday smoker. I do not do it every day. I really do it situationally. I save it for when I want to do it for something I really want to do, which is either work or talk to somebody I really want to talk to. Drinking, I'm even more sparing of these days. True. But there are plenty of nights where I am completely sober, and that's good because it makes this more special when I do it.
That's what I say. And in California, you know, people walk up and give you weed. You know, everybody had a brand. You got a brand? You should have a Bill Maher. You're known. I know that you don't want to do it like as a rapper. Well, I just got involved in a dispensary. Woody Harrelson is the major owner, and he brought me in as a partner called The Woods. I would recommend it highly. It's on Santa Monica.
A little east of La Cienica. It's unlike any pot dispenser I've ever seen. It's beautiful. East of La Cienica? Yeah, like right on Santa Monica Boulevard. All right, good. The woods. It's fantastic. Okay. Tell them Bill sent you. Okay. Go fucking. How did?
How do you? So the way you get, like, I haven't bought weed in years because you're right, people give me weed. Yeah, that's it. And of course, like a fool, I don't test it and I smoke it. It could be rat poison. But, you know, I trust my fans. Yeah, you trust them when it comes to weed. Although if they're going to get us, that would be a good way. Yeah, well, sure. It's one of the more social, it always has been one of the more, like, just socially kind of,
I mean, past the joint, think about that, at a party. Not just, it was that. - Right, yes. It was a very-- - Hey, enjoy, buddy. What is this? I don't know. - Well, COVID changed that. If we're wearing masks, it's a little weird to be smoking joints together. - Yeah, exactly. - And I told you, I have monkey pox. - You have to do something about it.
Yeah, they could get you through a gift. I mean, that's what a Trojan horse is.
Okay, sure. Somebody could, like, spike something and give it to you. I mean, you know, I don't think I'd eat something if somebody gave it to me. Yeah, that's fucked up, yeah. But nobody's out to get you. You're beloved. Yeah, you know, and I actually operate in that space. You know, I think you too, in my opinion. No, lots of people hate me. I've had the FBI in my dressing room more than once warning me about some group that was out to get me. Goddamn, that's fucked up. Goddamn.
What is that like, man? It's not... It's better than hemorrhoid surgery, you know, because it's not actually happening, but it's not, you know, it doesn't, you know... You know, look, I mean, I'm perfectly happy with...
having to endorse some of that for the trade-off of being able to say always exactly what I think and not some prettied up version of what I think that's worth that's priceless remember that little commercial fucking priceless you know
Yeah, I guess we were talking about that, you know, like this was the thing that came out, I guess, for comedians when Chappelle hit that one note. When he hit that one note and it became the conversation, right? The trans? Yeah, and it became the conversation for, you know, how free can you be to say what it is that you want to say? And of course, if people got deals with networks and those networks don't want to deal with the pressure, right?
then they may ask you to hold down. HBO has never asked you to try to... HBO's been great. Yeah. And you know I wouldn't say that if it wasn't true. Of course not. No, I mean, some people... I mean, Letterman made a career of bitching about the network he was on. And I always thought... I mean, and I'm a fan, but I always thought, that doesn't really ring true because they're paying you...
Incredible salary. I don't feel like they're actually censoring you. It just seemed like a contrived thing. Like, I'm against the man. And it's like, I don't do contrived. And if I really felt that way about a network, I'd get off it.
Yeah, ABC was never bothered me either. Yeah, they fired me I was about 9/11. Oh, yeah, I was against it No But no, we were all against it. Yeah, who was for it? Yeah, just people were yeah, so people kind of lean into it Oh, of course, but
No, but HBO's been fantastic. But that's their brand. It's a culture that they started that a lot of networks have imitated now. But their culture was always, we pick people we trust. We leave them alone to do the job they do. We're not those network note
looking over your shoulder types. Here's notes. And sometimes they've had spectacular failures. Yes, good. That's what artists do. They sometimes fail. John from Cincinnati didn't work. Okay. And then they had 11 others that did. Because the secret is trusting good people. They once asked John Huston, what is your secret to directing? And he said, I do most of my directing in the casting process.
Yeah. You know, pick the good people. Yeah. And let them do their thing. That's a smart way of thinking about it, too. You know? So you've, like, found this lame man, and then you've never really tried to do, like, movies or, you know, did you care about other projects like that? I did my one. Your movie, your doc joined the trouble. Religiously. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, but that...
It was hardly like starting a movie career. I wanted to do one movie, a documentary comedy, and we pulled it off. I thought, pretty great. Larry Charles directed it. But I never, people to this day say, why don't you do a sequel? It's like, no, I wanted to make one statement. I did. We did it well. Let's get off the stage. Right. No, no, no. That's weird. I learned fairly recently that
Like my mind works in a way of like very straight and linear. Like I'm good at telling you exactly what I think straight ahead. So like when I tried to write screenplays, I couldn't do it. Yeah. Because it's like eight different characters. I'm not eight different characters. I'm one guy and this is how I think and here it is. That's what I do. Right. And if you're lucky enough to do one thing well in show business. Yeah. Take your victory and don't try to fucking do a jazz album.
Damn it, I'm in the studio. What? I'm in the studio right now. Are you doing a jazz album? Oh, Jesus. Let me finish. Let me finish. Hold on. Don't do a jazz album after midnight. That's fucking funny.
But what is your musical? I do, man. I like write songs and shit. You do? Like play around like that. It is kind of jazzy shit, but it's just shit that be in your head, man. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a terrible host. I like it, man. Fuck it. No, I was fucking with you now. Oh. I mean, that's just the creative aspect of a person, right? You know, a lot of musicians paint. Yeah. And paint fairly well.
Like Dylan paints and Paul McCartney paints and Miles Davis paints. Yeah. Like there's a lot of, and they're not bad at it. Others, I'm not mentioning, and I'm sure I'll get letters, but...
But I'm happy with just, I mean, first of all, stand up. I never gave that up. I know. That's great. You go hard, too, man. We were talking about that, Chris and I. Like, you go at it, man. Like, you do some dates, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I work it. It's definitely a business that I still love to go do. How many dates a year do you do?
It varies. I mean, it's usually around 50-something easily. That's a lot considering you're also doing a series. Exactly. And then, you know, take all these other jobs. Yeah. Favors. Kindness. Just out there. I'm fixing some kids' bikes. Yes. You ever tell a story about how I put my chain back on? I'm showing all the kids. Come on, man. Bring your bikes over, guys. But physically.
But 50 dates, that's a perfect amount. I think that's where I'm about now also. Did you do more? Did you used to go harder? Yeah, a little more. I was never Leno. I remember when I first started, Leno was a little older and he was like a guy who was like doing a, he was like one rung above Seinfeld and me and all these super young comics. So he was like the guy we would listen to. He literally had a pipe in those days.
I swear to God, like fucking Hugh Hefner or Edward R. Murrow or some shit. And he would be puffing on his pipe and giving us advice. And I remember he was very braggadocious about the fact that he had an agent, he said, who, it gets me a job any day of the year I want to work.
which for Jay was every day of the year. And he didn't care about, like, routing. No. He'd be like, yeah, I'm in Puerto Rico, and then I'm over to Maine, and then I got back to the East Coast. It's like, Jay was... But he, like, the hardest working man in show business. No, I was never that guy. But I think there was times, years, I did 75. Oh, yeah. Plus a show that's... Yeah, plus a show. Yeah, you're grinding at that point, right? Like, you know...
Well, you know, I never had a family. Right. So, yeah, you didn't have to really. God damn it, Jesus. My family. Give me a family. I laugh at your pain. It makes me laugh. I wanted to have a family. You held it, too. That was funny. You held it. You're like, no. Come on.
Oh, you wanted people to empathize. No, I'm kidding, man. No. I mean, you always had this thing, too, like, of course, you know, being a bachelor about it, though, so you had, like, sexy girls around you and fucking, you was Bill Barr, man. You had that shit hot, you know what I mean? Like, for the aspiring older guy, like, you know, whatever. The aspiring older guy. No one's aspiring. Yeah, come on. He's aspiring to be that older, smooth guy, man. Come on. No.
Have had more than one but we were younger though - yeah I mean look I have already wait wait - no kids never know slip-ups not to my knowledge Because I never liked kids I never liked them when I was a kid right it didn't change the one thing in my life That's like super
Most things evolve one way or another. You're bald. Right. Whatever. But that one is like, never liked kids when I was one, didn't like them in middle age, don't like them now. And I know they have their value. Yeah. I mean, they assembled my phone.
Not that young are we talking. Well, I mean, I'm just saying, I know children, you know, there's certain things they can't make because they need their little fingers. I'm sure they have a use for it.
But I've never ever really, really had a thing for, you know, wanting to be around children. I've never touched a baby. You know, it's a... You've never, like, held a baby, man? No, I do not. Come on, man. I do not dislike children. I just don't want to be around them. I do dislike babies. Really? I do not like babies at all. It's aggressive. It's disgusting. It's aggressive. It's aggressive.
They're disgusting. They're just mule and puking. Oh, they're just all snot and shit. I can't deal. It's real with you. I got it. That's real, man. Did you change diapers and do all that stuff? Oh, yeah, man. My first daughter, too, because I didn't meet my first daughter. I got a daughter that, you know, I got three kids, and so I have a daughter that's just turned 33 that I didn't meet until she was four.
And so it's a different, you know, like, but then I was married, and I had my son and my daughter and my wife, and that's a family. Like, we in the house together and everything. So it's a whole thing. So we've got to include it all. Tell me to fuck off if this is too personal, but can I ask you why you didn't meet her until she was four? No, it was a whole thing where her mother was marrying a guy and made him think that that was his baby. Oh!
- Oh, this is a lifetime movie. - It's a real serious dog. - This is a fucking lifetime movie. - They moved to Germany, so she had the baby. - Germany, what, is he in the military? - He was in the military, and she convinced this guy that that was his child. - Have you ever noticed that there's a real thing between Germans and blacks? - Like what? - Like an attraction. Like an awful lot of German women
Well, they're in the military. That's the thing about that. You think it's because they're there? Well, I mean, you can't argue that the German girls are very... They have strong bodies, sexy bodies. They can. What girls don't around the world? But all that Eastern Bloc kind of... Those girls are very...
They're attractive to black men. I think it works the other way, too. You know what I think it is? Nature wants us to mate with people who are most unlike us because that ensures... Right. That's interesting, too. What you don't want is to fuck your cousin. Right. Sure. Hence the royal family. Right? Yeah. But yes, that does not create good...
bloodlines. Cleopatra. The old school Egyptians, I think, were marrying their brothers and sisters. That is not good scientifically. What is good is people who... This is not my cousin. Or very distant. We're all cousins. We are all cousins. In this circumstance, right. The procreation... I'm not attracted to redheads.
At all. And my mother says when I was an infant, I was a redhead. Interesting. Yeah. It could be my cousin. That's what my DNA is telling me. It's an orange. Don't fuck this chick. She could be your cousin. You want to fuck your cousin? Oh, man. And a couple of times, I'm like, yeah, I kind of do. But, you know. Yeah.
You never, I tell you, you didn't like Game of Thrones. They had some beautiful redheads on Game of Thrones. Why, you like redheads? I mean, I find all women attractive. My mother was a redhead, though, so. Is that right? Yeah, so, you know, and I, so I find that attractive, too, yeah, because I thought my mom was beautiful. Did you date a full spectrum when you were single? Oh, yeah, for sure. Women of all races? For sure, yeah, like just. And how would you compare them?
What, women? No, yes, like do a five-minute hunk on it. White girls do this, black girls do this. That's really what I'm saying. You're on that Byron Allen show now. Comics, what's that show he does at two in the morning? Comics Alive. Boy, he did well for himself. I saw him the other day. Byron Allen? Yeah, man. Like he's a billionaire. Yeah, man. Owns like...
What was he trying to buy into? Something huge. I know he owns the Weather Channel. Yeah, he has the Weather Channel. God bless him. I remember when we were starting, we were like comics who were starting at the same time. Yeah. Like I would cross paths with him on those like brick...
comedy shows that we all did when we first started. Evening at the Embraer. Live at the Comedy Barrel. It was just you doing your normal set in front of a brick wall and somebody had a camera. It was it. And it was like the biggest thing. To get certain cities...
Did you go through that phase? Oh, yeah, man. Because I started, you know, I started in St. Louis, so the Midwest was that. You know, the Funny Bones, they had all those clubs all throughout, you know. I worked at the Funny Bones in St. Louis. Yeah, they were headquartered there. So that was... The strip club was across the river. Yeah. In another state. Yeah, Illinois, baby. I heard. You crazy. I don't know. I overheard the lemon driver. People talk about it. No, I...
But just as a tip, I'm saying. Yeah, no. You've got to go across the bridge. Yeah, you've got to go across the bridge. It's better. It's looser. Have a good time. Again, just information. That's what we're trying to do here is give people valuable information. So you worked at the clubs. Yes.
Worked clubs. Yeah, so did the clubs and then you know the Def Jam stuff came along right around that same time So I started like 87 and then so then you know TV shows It was like Showtime the Apollo you can get ahead Of course those those evening at the improv those were like for the big guys They might for Leno and stuff like that get on even into the improv and those kind of TV shows at that time you must have had years when you were like a
Damn, I think I could actually do this. I'm funny, but like, am I crazy? Like, should I go for it and give up like a normal life? Would I, am I going to make a fool of myself?
And then you just were like, no, why not me? Yeah. Is that, have I encapsulated your entire thinking? That's so good. Now, we'll be right back after this small little break. Come on. I think I nailed it. You guys get me, we'll be right back. I think I nailed it. Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? I'm on my podcast talking about the podcast on my network. This must be what the metaverse feels like.
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But I mean, for the most part, you know, because my mother was an educator and a teacher, I really just kind of, I didn't even think about entertainment as a job. So I didn't learn that I could do this too late. And once I learned I could do it, I became focused very quick. How did you learn that? Because a guy that was a comedian would, he would, he was a guy, he was a comedian. He would, he would say things. He was like, can I use what you just said?
He was like, "I love it." And then he was telling me how he was getting paid. He was like, "I would go out and do these shows. I got 1,100 this week. I got 1,400." I'm like, "Doing what?" He's like, "I'm a comedian." I was like, "What? Like a job?" I was like, "Oh."
So he put me on a... He signed me up to a comedy show. Did you write material? Yeah. You did? No, well, I didn't know I was doing writing material. It was just stuff I would do. He helped me shape that. It was just things I would do because...
As you said in conversation. Yeah, like I was in groups. See, that's how I always worked. Some comics were like, no, you've got to get up in the morning and get a yellow pad and write down. And I was like, I can't do it that way. The way I do it is I get stoned, we talk, funny things come up, I remember them. Yeah, and then write up to it.
No, that's great, man. When I was in that era, that early era, like early 80s, I would always have a little tape recorder in my pocket. Remember those mini tapes of that era? Oh, yeah, those moments, yeah. And I would tape all my stand-up sets. Sometimes I would also just put it on so I could remember shit that we were saying in conversation. Yeah.
No, man. I spent a lot of hours listening back to tapes.
Which I never wanted to do. Do you have a lot of them? I do. I have stuff like that, but I don't have it filed properly or where I know where it all is. It's one of those things. I could probably find some tapes of me doing a set at Uncle Fudster's Junko Hut in 1986. And I would be afraid to listen. I just would be afraid.
Or, I don't know. Make it a part of this podcast. Like, just find them and just act like fucking the evolution of Bill. Like, every now and then just introduce one of those pieces for no reason. I mean, I'd be... I love that shit. When I look back, even, I mean, it's amazing how, like, recently you can look back and go, oh, I'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. Right. So I'd hate to look back 30 years.
Think it would just be cringy. Yeah, I mean that you know You're you are the the product of whatever age you are you can't you can't be I've spent too many years or not years but times in my life beating myself up for like Why didn't you know this sooner because I didn't write because I'm just not that bright. Hey, I
You get no argument here, brother. Right. You know, I came to it when I came to it. Yes. Would it have been better if I thought of it when I was 42 instead of 54? Yes. But I didn't. I'm just not that good. Get over it. So you definitely don't. Like, some people measure comedy by how wealthy the person is. Like, is that a part of your psyche? Like, you don't give a shit. Here's what I would say about that.
In show business, generally, the cream rises to the top. The very cream. Like, the very best people who are, like, endure over decades. Yeah. You know, especially in something like film director. Sure. You don't get to be, you know, a 30-year career...
Without being really dope. Right. Yeah. You know, I mean, there's a reason why Spielberg and Spike Lee and people like Kubrick and, you know, it's, they, you know. Yeah. Anyone in show business can have like a good little run. Sure. You know,
You can just get some sort of novelty or whatever, you know, I mean the guy who sang the Korean dude. Yeah, Gangnam Style. I don't know. But why was it the biggest? That dude was huge, man. He was huge worldwide.
Anyone can be Gangnam Style for a year or have a few good years. But generally, the cream rises. But there's also, you know, comedy especially, no accounting for taste. I mean, some people just like stuff that I think is pure shit. And you can't argue with someone's sense of humor.
We have no idea what causes it or creates it. Some of it is what's in your mind, intellect. But, I mean, it's not just that. Very smart people can like things which I think are putrefying. Did you ever get into it with another comedian? Get into it. Like another comedian just didn't rock with you, just boldly didn't, you know, like you guys, beef like anybody else. When we were young...
There was always feuds going on. Yeah, that's what I'm saying back then. Among the things that are so nice about being older is you just drop stupidities like that. The idea that I'd be feuding with you or some other comic.
You know, like, oh, I'm not talking to him because it's just like, what was in my body? I mean, who was doing that? But yes, that went in our 20s. That went on a lot. Yeah. A lot. Yeah, man. And then we just outgrew it. And, you know, the people who we loved, we kept and forgave and forgot. And, you know, other people, you know, we didn't keep up with. But no, I mean. Well, I mean, you know, like I said, when you have like this many people
you know, opinionated people, especially during that Trump era when people became really polarized in their groupings, right? Like some of your friends, family members, like you, like, yo, like what the fuck are you saying right now? Like that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard you say. Don't say, talk to me. That's the really good Spike Lee movie they did for Netflix about the five, you know, they were Vietnam vets,
Oh, yeah. I can't remember. Oh, yeah, with Del Rey Lindo. Yes. He's famous for doing that dance. And one of them is a Trumper. Oh, yeah. And it's like that actually tracks about 20% of black men voted for Trump. Yeah. So if you had five friends, one of them would be a Trumper. Yeah. And...
That's okay, by the way. First of all, that's okay. We are allowed to have different opinions, no matter how much you disagree with them. No, sure. Yeah, right? Sure, fine. Don't you think? Fine, yeah. Well... This dude's a deviant, though, man. Yes, I'm not... He's a deviant. He's an obvious deviant. I'm not a fan. Okay, all right. I think I've made that clear in his time. Yeah, no doubt. But I'm just saying, what I always say is, you can hate Trump, you can't hate the people who hate him, who like him.
Sure. You can't hate the people who like them because it's half the country. Sure. And it's people you, what you were just saying about family. Yeah. It's people in your family. You can't explain senses of humor and you can't explain politics a lot of the time. It's true. People are reached by different things and have different views than you and have different things that have shaped them up until this moment.
I mean, to me, one of the left's big problems is they're way too judgmental, way too insistent on, see it my way exactly, the one true opinion, or else, or you are banished, or you are a non-person. And it's like, that doesn't work in this country, or any country, but especially this one, where people kind of pride themselves on free thinking and coming to their own conclusions. And yeah, I don't agree with a lot of those conclusions, but, you know...
It's better than the alternative of what we were saying before, people in their silos not even hearing the other side. No, that's the real deal, man, that people just don't, they don't even have to listen to the other side. No, they don't. And it's okay. Right. It's like everything I want to hear.
Well, that's always what I'm trying to do on my show. Yeah. Is have the other side there. Or me bringing it up. You do, man. Yeah, right. And you let people go for it if they really want to go for it. But I think you are always a very formidable host, man. Like, you know, I've never seen anybody really get the best of you. You can be anything except a liar.
Okay to me like if you bullshit me, I don't care who you are the president United States I will call you out on it. Right not in a hopefully mean way or a disrespectful way, but I
Answer the quiz. Or, yes, or, you know, stop gaslighting me. Right. Like, you and I both know this is not true. So it's not advancing the conversation. And I'm here to advance a conversation for people who want to have some real talk. Right. And if you're not going to participate that way, then I'm going to get a little fed up with you.
Which is not what you're supposed to do as a host, but fuck it. I you know, I even this I invented this fucking show Yeah, I'll do it the way I want to do it with it. Like there's a rule book. I wrote the rule book That's my rule. Yeah, you better don't fucking lie to me. Let's don't don't say things, you know It's like Michael Corleone and the Godfather when you lie to me It insults my intelligence and makes me very angry. Yes. I
You like The Godfather? I love The Godfather. You do? It's pretty fucking great. It's one of the go-to's, man. And especially like one of those movies, whenever it's on and you turn, you just stay. Exactly. You just stay. Right. As many times as you've seen it. Yeah. It's no pressure. You realize it's no pressure to see anything else other than this scene that's about to come up.
And then I mean it now I'm like watching this shit. Yeah, because you know ultimately it is about It's not really a crime story. It's a family story. Do you like water to better? Yeah, I've known it both amazing, but well, I like them both equally but Probably if I had to pick one - okay I also love three and most people don't those people enjoy three - it's not different and
It was a little different. Also, I don't think people noticed that so many of the scenes were deliberate echoes of something in one or two. That, to me, was like...
you know, quoting Shakespeare or something. I mean, they were referring... I thought it was very literary. I mean, people objected because... And I watched it recently when they kind of introduced the extended version. And I remember the big criticism was he cast his daughter. Right. And that she was somehow a horrible actress. I watched it. She's not horrible. She's great. She's not horrible. And she's like...
Very sexy. Yeah. At that age. You know, she's like very, in a very real, innocent way. Yeah. That, you know, a 30-year-old cousin would probably fall for his somewhat inappropriately aged, but undeniably sexy 17-year-old. You know, I find her performance very affecting. And the whole movie, I mean, it's a little operatic at the end. It's literally at an opera. It's a bit of a stretch.
When Michael takes Kay back. Yeah. Because that was so not, you know, like once you're out. Yeah. And he kills his own brother. Spoiler alert. Right? But he does. Yeah. He kills his, so like the idea that he would mellow so much that he would like take his wife back. But it's also like go with it because anything can happen in life. The heart wants what it wants. Yeah. He did love her. For sure. They have kids together. Sure. You know.
So I killed my brother and my sister's husband. We all have flaws. That's a great performance. That scene, you know, because of that, like when, you know, he killed Fredo in two, right? So in three, for him to... When Al Pacino really...
realize, like when he was crying about it, I killed my mother. And he said that, I killed my mother's son. It's one of those moments where you're like, yo, that's a performance, man, because you recognize it without even ever living it. I think three, I love the plot line of three, I think is so clever because they traded on the true story in the news that in 1978, Pope
Somebody, John, died. A new pope took over. And he died in a month, which was a little suspicious. So they wove that into the plot line. Oh, yeah. That the mafia killed him because he was going to block their big deal. Something, something, something. Right, yeah, right, right. And, you know, the idea to present the church as a worse kind of mafia than the mafia was kind of brilliant. I like that.
Kind of brilliant. I like that. And using that real pope that died after a month, I thought it was pretty good. I'm going to have to give it another chance, man. Let's give Godfather, come on, guys. Let's give Godfather 3 another chance. Yeah. Let's go back in, guys. Reanalyze it. That's true. When we're both 90, we will do a film review show like...
Remember Ebert and Siskel and Ebert? That's all they'll give us at 90. You can sit right here and do it. It'd be so easy. Just talk. Leno does You Bet Your Life. He's not the kind of guy, I've said this before, but they put him out to pasture for committing the crime of being number one twice. They fired him.
But he wasn't like, oh, I'm not going away. Maybe I'm not on your network, but I'll do this and this. And I feel like that's how you stay young. That's it. Right. You just like... Because you clamor on to those jobs and you make yourself a part of that as this is your only life, like really. For him, you know...
He always liked to do multiple things. So, you know, I think it makes... And he made a gang of money. Yes. Well... He never spent any of it. Here's a story that he never spent his Tonight Show money. He has 200 cars.
And a giant garage in Santa Monica. I think he spent some of it. And Burbank. But he goes out and works every... That's the guy I met in 1980s. I'm going to... I'm going to do the Virgin Islands and then I'm over in Seattle and then we're back in Rhode Island and I'm in Phoenix. I got to Detroit. It's like he just... That's who he is. He wants to work every fucking day. Oh, God.
And that's, you know, I don't want to be that guy. No, that's like... But that's, you know, he's got a... Iron Jay, he's the character. It's really him. You know. But my point is, like, don't let them tell you when you're done. Right. You know. No, you can't. And don't be too proud to, like, you hit the top of the mountain. Okay. Well, you know...
You don't have to just jump off the mountain, but you know if you're a little down on the other side of the mountain, you're still on the mountain. Do you think about retiring? No, I'm just saying, but at some point they will put me out to pasture. They did it to Johnny Carson. If they did it to him, they'll do it to everybody. But don't be so proud that you can't let
You can't go down the other side of the mountain slowly. Right. I don't remember this, but there was a moment, I think it was the late 80s, when the bottom fell out of the Vegas...
Showroom. Oh, yeah, like everybody was making like $200,000 a week. Yeah, Diana Ross was making 450,000 Yeah, but even like Shecky Green was making 175 and then Vegas was going through like the original Vegas crowd the Rat Pack crowd all died So like there was like they hadn't reinvented themselves as the current Vegas. So like I
They were just not losing a lot of money. And they cut everybody like crazy. And Shecky Green, I remember saying, I can understand getting a pay cut. He went from $175 to $25. And he said, but what happened to $150, $125, $100, $75? You know, can't we go down gradually?
And I feel like that's what you kind of have to do at some point in your career. You know, like look at actors who get older. You got to take, you don't, you're not the lead anymore. Right. You're Ben Stiller's dad now. Okay. Don't be so fucking proud. Right. At some point you're going to get detective work on CBS and then you're really going to want to blow your brains out. But at least you're fucking working. Yeah.
That's the job you aspire to, to be that one sergeant, that fucking captain eventually. That's me. I definitely got to be a fucking sergeant on a cool-ass CSI show. Exactly. You know what? Thompson, get in here. Yeah, exactly. Nailed it. Cedric. Thompson. My office. Exactly.
Right. If that's in our future, it's as opposed to being in the coal mine. You'll join some of the greats. What? You'll join some of the greats. Right. Exactly. That role has been handled by so many great actors that handle that little spot. You know what? It's funny.
Les Moonves? Yeah. I'm sure you're familiar. Yeah, man. I'm sure you've worked for him, as I'm sure many people have. He was the head of CBS, did an amazing job of building that overcup. Had a little Me Too scandal right away. Okay. But I used to see him out, and we were very friendly. And I used to tease him that he was the vulture of BlackRock.
Black Rock being, of course, the CBS building in New York. They call it Black Rock. That's what the building looks like. The famous CBS building. Yeah, Black Rock. And I called him the vulture of Black Rock because he had a genius for identifying what movie stars had just passed...
Their peak and weren't getting the good roles in movies anymore and he could put them in a series So he would just like swoop over Okay, Gary Sinise Put his talent in him and get it. Okay. Here you are. Come on. You're making 60 grand a week guaranteed 35 weeks a year relax exactly. You don't have to do all that traveling right movies exactly. I
And he would just find that person, that actor, and, you know, grab them. And that's show business, you know? We're all just, we're lucky to begin with. And then, you know, just be a little humble about it, I think is the best. If some kid came up to me and said, you know, what advice would you give me in show business, Mr. Moore? I'd say, push off, I'm busy. No, I'd say...
I'd say, be humble. Yeah. You know, I've seen people self-immolate because they miscalculated when they could start acting like an asshole. Oh, for sure. That's commonplace, buddy. That happens out here quite a bit. And to be sure, you can act like an asshole. Yeah, but... Many people have gotten away with it. Sure. But you've got to wait until you have that... Yeah, yeah.
Juice, right? Right. Even then, like, it's got to be, you know, depending on who you are, you're right. There's a lot of people out here known as assholes and are very big stars, and people go like, that person's an asshole. And then, you know, you're right. There's people who definitely overshot the runway. Yeah.
Too soon. Right. If you got a number one show, you can probably pull off some dicky things. I'm not saying you should. You shouldn't. But you can get away with it. Sure. You know, if you sleep late on the morning of the upfronts when you were supposed to, like, kiss the ass of the sponsors and you still have the number one show, they're not going to fire you. They'll fucking hate you for it. Sure. But they're not going to fire you for it. Right. But if you pull that kind of shit and you're marginal... Yeah. Yeah.
You, like you said perfectly, you miss shot the runway. Yes. Wait till you make it. Hey, what happened? No, that's happened to a lot of people. Wait till you make it before you act like an asshole. That's what I would tell the kid who comes up to me and says, Mr. Marr, what is your advice in show business? Wait till you make it before you act like an asshole, kid.
And I don't like kids, so just know I'm doing your stuff. But I would be really, yeah, helping. It's love, man. I got somebody waiting for me at the house, man. I owe you so much for coming in and doing this for me. I know you need it like a hole in the head. As Don Rickles used to say, you're a big star.
And yet you came to Club Random. Oh man, it's fantastic. So I am forever in your debt. No, it's fly, man. You don't need anything in life, but if you did, you could come here to Club Random.
And you could ask me, and it would be my honor, whatever it is. I know you don't need anything. Well, you know, we were talking about this. I got a thing called Fan Room. You should do one. That would be dope. It's a virtual meet and greet. You're right here. I would love it. We set it up. We know the virtual meet and greet. Will you be there? I can't be. But you're not normally. Not normally. I just pop on, too. Like, I'll pop on virtually from my house. Right.
But you know, yeah, like we've done whatever you want from me for a minute. All right, cool. All right. That'd be great. Can I wear that hat? Have you ever worn a hat? Have I ever worn a hat? Yes. I feel like it looked douchey on me. Yeah. Well, you know, I didn't know I got a hat company too. You would look appropriate. Yeah. It's like my little thing. Yeah. Yeah.
Me, I just, you know. You still got nice hair, man, which is great. I know, but that's good because I couldn't pull off being bald either. Oh, man. Thank you. Yeah, man. All right, now we got to go. Oh, shit. That was good shit, man. I enjoyed it. Did you? Yeah, man, it was fun. I loved the fuck out of it. Okay. Yeah, like, it was dope, man. We made this fucking vibe down. Yes. Yeah, that was good. That's what I thought. Well. Yeah, no, that was good. That's what it's supposed to be, right? Yeah.