Carrot Top | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I didn't think you were going to get dressed in front of me. I got to be honest. I thought you already came dressed. I did not foresee that. I thought you were already dressed. That was going to be quite the ordeal it was. Hey, pal. Thank you. I know you stayed over. I did. No, I started the whole thing for you. You're so funny. No, I'm not making this up. I have huge feet, by the way. So I started this whole thing because of you. This is why I'm here. You're so funny. The message you left me the other day,

What did I say? Today's Wednesday, and it was like Tuesday, and you were like, I know this is like the wedding. We're not supposed to talk to each other. You're right. Before. Sexy. Wow, you've been in Vegas a long time. Yeah, I really have. But see, to me, that's so impressive. Because, like, when did you start at the Luxor?

18 years ago. 18 years. An 18-year residency in Vegas. Only Penn and Teller, I think, have gone longer, but only one talks, right? You can't count the one guy. He didn't say anything. So Penn really is doing all the work. See, I can abide by people who, like, do the Caratop joke. By the way, I'm very offended if you smoke in front of me. People who do, like, the Caratop joke.

jokes. I mean, we've all done Carrot Top jokes, but I always tell them, I'll tell anyone who does one, I'll say, yeah, but he's actually a very funny guy. You know, if they're like slab on it. But what I cannot take is people who just don't give it up for success. Maybe it's not your cup of tea or you want to be a snob, even though I've seen your show and I laughed my ass off. So, like, I'm a bright guy, so it doesn't, it doesn't, you don't have to be like, oh, I'm too smart for that show. You're not. It's just funny. It's using props, but it's also funny.

But I cannot abide people who just will not give it up for success. Yeah. You know. I like what you said a second ago, though, is that you said, okay, I might make a character, but he's funny. See, what I used to get was, but he's a nice guy. So my cousin went and saw. Right.

You said, but he's funny. Yeah. So back in the day, they'd say, but he's a nice guy. So they wouldn't admit that I was funny, but they would say, well, I know, but they'd say he's a nice guy. So instead of saying, no, but he's funny, which would make me happy if they said he's a nice guy. But nice guy, you always want to be a nice guy, but you also want, of course, your peers to think you're funny. Well, I mean, 18 years in the

in the main room at a major hotel in Vegas. I just can't think of any other comic who's done that. I mean, certainly magicians, for whatever reason, in Vegas. Well, I know what reason. They direct every Yahoo in the country, and that's like what they love is magic. Comics, many comics, myself included, hate magic because we think it's cheap, and it's like we're trying to be clever, and they're like, oh, you bought that at a novelty shop. And I

I did a trick with a team once. It's like I came out of the, I won't say who it was, I love them, but it was called Rock, Blood from a Rock. That was the name of the trick. And they had a rock out of which they made blood come out of it. Possibly that's where the name of the trick came from. Nice. Anyway, as the shill in the audience, I was planted, of course. Like, oh, this celebrity's gonna come out of the audience. Crazy, how did Bill Morgan? Exactly.

Like when you saw it up close, it was not impressive. Like I get it from the 12th row. Just the way like our set, a real-time set, is the same set they use for Price is Right, or at least it has been for many years. And sometimes people come in and when they see the Price is Right set up close...

They're rather crestful because it just looks... Like shit. Well, you know, on TV. It's like, yeah, it's priceless. It looks great. And up close, it looks like a leopard's asshole. No, not that bad. But not good. I love this. You know, I was at your home or one of these homes. Did I know it? You own like all... He owns like 20 homes along here. No, I don't. Yes, you do. The whole mountain. No, I don't. They told me that on the way here. You're thinking of Bob Hope. No, maybe Bob Hope. But you own all these homes.

I don't know. So I was here at one of them, and this is so many years ago, and I don't know how I got invited, but you invited me. I'm sure I did. Everyone in the world was there with a sweep. Everyone was here. That was probably 2004 or 2005. Yes? Yes. I had been doing the Tonight Show with Jay many, many, well, Jay will be here a minute doing a set up here. Jay was right there. We talked. We talked.

And I had left your house and I'm going down the hill. And as I'm going down the hill, Florence Henderson, you can't make this up. Florence Henderson. No, she was there at your house. You did invite her, right? I remember. Yes. I love her. So Florence Henderson is coming. Is she dead? I think so now. Crush her off the list. I didn't see her in the driveway walking up the stairs. She's not getting another invite. Okay. Yeah. But I walked down and my best friend was with me. And she...

she says hi carrot top right and so i said hi and then she hands her drink this is the best part ever to this day we still talk about this to my friend like she's like it's carrot top and she hands her drink to my friend and starts talking to me and he's like what the fuck like i'm like he like he's he just works at the property or works for you and he just stood there and held her drink and i said just keep holding your fucking drink oh you're invited this party

But then Jay Leno, you know, hobbles up the... Yeah, Florence Henderson's over here. But how does he make it up the hill? He's like, it's my third motorcycle accident. I can't do this. Yeah, so what? I mean, Jay, are you kidding? Jay could fall into a wood chipper and be in a thousand pieces, and he'd put himself back together in a day, and he'd be on entertainment. Yeah, he does. You're right. Yeah, I fell into the wood chipper. It's no big thing. My penis is up in my brain now. But, you know, that's

kind of a good thing. It's so true. He was on the next day, right? I mean, I just routinely now always call him Iron Jay. You know, we used to do that character, Iron Jay. Yeah. But he is Iron Jay. He is. You cannot. He doesn't miss a gig. He doesn't miss sleep. He doesn't need sleep. No. He doesn't miss a gig. No. He's like, what's the character in the...

Halloween or whatever where they can't kill him? Is it Jason? You're right. I mean, you talk to him. As you know, you've been friends with him. I've been friends with him for as long as you probably. But when you see him, if I go say hi like I did to you, I go by to say hi. And he'll say the same exact three questions. First thing he says, oh, how's it going? I say, good. He says, brother.

Have you seen any of the comics? And I go, there's no comics in Vegas anymore, right? You see any comics? How's George Wallace? George Wallace is done. And he's like, how big is your room? He always says three things. How big is your room? And I always say the same thing. It's a dumb joke. I said, oh, like, you know, 3,000. He said, no, that's great. And I said, no, it's 300. But he always says, and every time I say 3,000, he says, oh, yeah, 3,000. Oh, that's big. And I said, no, gee, it's 300.

But it's great watching, he'll eat a steak and just, you know, talk to you and he doesn't give a shit. Where's my denim? He eats denim, by the way. He eats denim. Chunks of denim. He does that. He does. It always bugs me that Jimmy Kimmel and Conan O'Brien have this...

huge hard-on for him. And I respect... Did or do? You think they still do? Oh, I think Conan more than Jimmy. Oh, Conan maybe. Jimmy, you know, it's very hard to... See, that's the thing. They're both people I admire and like so much. And yet, and I love Jay. And I just... I'd like... Are they really seeing something? And I'm sure certainly...

One or both of them at this. Yeah, I think they still would both say yes We are seeing a Machiavelli inside and I you know Jay is Italian I you know, he did hide in the closet, but it did it didn't seem like to me He ever crossed the line. It seemed like he won. Yeah, he you know, it's a this is not a beanbag here This is show business world. You know, we all want to be on top. I don't I do you really or I don't top what? I always want to be on top well

Either on top or on the top of your game. You can only be appealed to the, whatever, we're such a niche audience everywhere now. That if you have, back in the day, Johnny Carson used to get like 17 million.

At 11:30 at night, I think it is. 17 million. And now it's-- Primetime shows sometimes don't get a million. A million, yeah. It's just everybody has their own personal-- in the future, everyone-- It was always nice to me. You'll have your own personal comedian. Like you. You'll be an AI.

Yeah, yeah. And it'll just be you telling you jokes and you know you'll love them because it's you. And you know, it's interesting because when I did the show all those years, it was, they would call or I'd call them and say, I have a set, you know, whatever, it was current, whatever topical thing was out. It was Trump or Barbie, whatever the fuck's current.

And I would say, I have a set. Put me on. And they would always put me on. And then I would talk to Jay after. He'd say, you know, these comics, they come to me in the airports and these places. Which is where he flies private, so I don't always talk to people in the airports. Right. But he would say, they give me grief because I book you. And I said, and he would always defend me and say, because I would bring the goods and I would always have the thing.

I never tried to be anything I wasn't. I wasn't trying to take sets away from a monologist. Right. I just did my thing. Yeah. You don't have to apologize. And Jay, there's still jokes to this day. I still remember Jay's jokes. Oh, Jay. He had such a great act. Jay, when he says, you know, he was never a gay Italian. Remember his aunt?

There was never a gay at Penn and Jay. And he said, what about LeBron? Oh, it's just talk. But it's still funny. Like, it's still funny. It's just talk. It's just talk. Yeah. One of the best ones ever. What's the girl's name? You don't have to apologize for pictures. You know, I use tons of pictures in my editorials at the end of real time, which is the, you know, sort of the most serious part of the show. It's the end of the show. It's something I'm saying that's, you know, besides the...

that laughs, I'm always making a point. Usually one no one else is making. That's my goal. It's brilliant. So thank you. I'm not efficient for that. I'm just saying we use plenty of pictures. Right. You know? There's lots of things that end with, and it wouldn't have been this guy picture comes up. And that punctuates it. I don't apologize for that. I mean, I'm glad at this point in the illiteracy standings of America, it's not all pictures and props. Sure. My show's easy to follow along.

It is. It's like show and tell with liquor. It really is. If you can't get my show, you're fucking stupid. That's his dream. It's true. No, and the other thing. His visuals. I mean, speaking of. I've helped them along. I'm like, look, it's Joe Biden's dog. It's a dinosaur on a fucking rope. It can't be any easier. It can't be any easier. Because he's old. Yeah. Have you seen Joe Biden's dog? That's so interesting. And then I have a classified document that has magnets on the back that picks it up at the end. It's perfect. It's perfect.

Perfect. It is. And you know why? They love it. I'm a little jealous because, like, I don't do Joe Biden old jokes because one... That's the one I do, though. I only do one. I do one Trump and I do one Biden. It works great as a prop. Yeah. It really does. I love that joke. And it's silly and no one gets offended. Right. And the same with the Trump. I go, mm. And I do a thing, which is sad. We're willing to bring this up with people. I said, if you look at Trump's moves, mm.

It's Pee Wee Herman. If you look, I do a thing on the video behind me where he's doing... And if you put them side by side, it's Trump doing Pee Wee or Pee Wee doing Trump. So he does the... And it kills. And now that Pee Wee just passed...

oh it's going to be probably even more beautiful for the show but that is a it was just one night i'm sitting like what is he what is trump's peeweeds so yeah that's funny and no one gets offended because it's well that's the thing it's quick and they do get offended we move on to you know something different america does need more things

that can get people from both sides of the political divide to sit together and enjoy something in common. We should bring them all in here. There's one, two, there's only two spots left. No, I don't want... Get your tickets now. Too many people in here. I mean, this is a cozy space, but you wouldn't want a big party. No, no. This is it. I love being here with people like you, but...

Do you come in here sometimes just by yourself? Oh, I probably... By yourself, though. Oh, by myself? No. No, you do. I would never... You sit here like... I don't know why I would sit by myself. You just sit like, okay, action. No. You just pretend like... No? No.

This is the best guest I've ever had. No, I mean, we used this room as the party room. This is where Florent Tenorson and I did rails right off the, you think I'm kidding. No, but that's so funny. You're reminding me of just an era in my life, which was the politically incorrect era. That's when you, you know how we met? That's why I would know somebody like Florent Tenorson, because she wouldn't be on a show like Real Time. Right.

You know, she had that kind of iconic... Also, Mrs. C from Happy Days. Yeah, yeah. Well, it used to be on, and I would call her Mrs. C. I mean, some people, you know, they just... And that, again, you doing a service for America, because our big problem is that half will... They won't even mingle with the other half anymore. So... Oh, yeah. Don't you find that? Yes. Yes. I mean, if you...

Yeah. I mean, Trump was indicted. This is. Oh, yeah. I don't know when we're. Well, for the big one for January. No, it's today. I didn't see it. No, I I've been I've been I've been working. I've been preparing for this. But bro, that's why. But I know I know the other two horse races. I know the other two indicted, but united. OK.

So what's going to happen? Yes. So it's going to be, what's going to happen? You're the guy, so who do we go to for this? What's going to happen? What I'm saying to you is that this...

You know, everyone who saw this, I mean, everyone but you, this is like... Well, no, I will see it tonight, probably. It's not a... It's L.A. It's a different time zone. That's happened over... It doesn't matter. It's just... That's... You're on the pace of more people than I am. Yeah. But this is my business. Oh, I'll know. But it is a pretty big... I'll know after this. I know now. It's a huge story because this is the... I mean, you could quibble, and I have, about...

Well, should they have really gone after an ex-president even when as loathsome as he

For the porn star hush money. Yes. Did he do it always the answer with any of his trials or? Impeachments or crimes is did he do it? Yes. He did it. He's a criminal. He does criminal things. He doesn't even think they're criminal He's a pure id he's an insane person because he's got malignant narcissism like in a certifiable level where he literally can't think of I don't think the repercussions for other people so he did all these things but

But should we have gone after him for that? That one. And then there was the Files one. I mean, again, did he do it? Of course. It was like, these are Files of mine. But this one, January 6th, not conceding the election, the thing that I had been saying all those years about Trump, when people were laughing at me, he's not going to leave office, that one.

Is the one that matters. And so they finally, so hopefully they didn't blow their fucking powder on the first two. But of course, all the people who like him, they just think, oh, now they're trying this. Yeah, well, right. It's going to change nothing. Well,

Well, no. To get to my point is we need things where people who think, like when a story comes down like that, half the country's on one side, half's on the other, go to the carrot top show. Nice. And then, you know, nothing will, you're not going to do anything that's going to really piss off either one. No.

Whereas my show pisses off both. Yeah, your show's great. It's funny, though. Yeah, it's very funny, though. No, your show's funny. I just saw it. I just saw it. It was really, really, I told you, it was... Oh, my stand-up? Oh, yeah, you always come and see me. I love that. No, it was brilliant. Thank you. Just to be honest, not to blow smoke, but it was...

But I do want to, let me ask you something. Well, I am in Vegas. Wait, wait, I'm going to plug my date sets. I'm so glad. I'm going to pretend this was a segue. I knew about it. Why you do that? Why I hid a piece of paper under the pillow. But I will be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand. September 15th and September 16th.

And are you in town? We've got to get together. I will now. We'll make sure I'm there. Let's go to... I'm not fucking going, but I'll... Yes, go. People go see you. I just saw... Let's go to... I went to that Delilah restaurant. It was pretty awesome. Do you remember how we met?

No, I've been waiting to tell this story all day. It's a romantic story. No, it wasn't a romantic story. It's funny. Wait, I want to hear about Charlotte. What? Charlotte. Fuck. When would you have been in Charlotte? I know. Why? Well, I'll tell you how. Why? So when I first started doing the comedy thing, there was this guy that ran all these clubs in the South. And they had literally like 40... And where are you? Florida? Florida. Where? They had Orlando. Fucking Orlando, man. Orlando, man. I love Orlando. No, it's great. I've been there my whole life.

I love Florida. I love people. I do too. I like when people shit on it. I say, keep shitting on it because I don't want you to live in my, I don't want you to come. I feel like if I live there, I feel like the way I do about California, which is I love this place, but there's things I just hate about it too.

There's bad things about Florida. Nobody talks well about the weather in the summer. No, they don't come by anything nice. There's never anything nice out of Florida. But I do feel good in Florida. It's a freer feeling. It just is. Florida's beautiful. Yeah. It's a great place. I love it. It's like they just want to have a good time. And Miami, I mean, you couldn't live there. It's like Vegas with a beach. I was going to say, exactly. But it's also great that there is sort of a city in America. It's not really an American city.

It's much more of a continental, Euro, South American. Orlando's like this beautiful little quiet. Orlando's just like, you know. It's great. No, you don't like it? No, I love it. It's the kind of place where you don't have to make an excuse why you're going to a strip club.

What else am I going to do? And I hear they do it well here. You know, it's Florida. You got to do Florida things. Yeah. That was my first prop I ever came up with. What? It was a hat just like this, and it had a spring and an old lady's head on it. And I said, you wear this so you'd see the lady's head behind driving. And that was my very first prop. And it killed. It was, you know, I'm playing Boca Raton, you know. Right. And that was the first thing. Like, this is going somewhere. Yeah.

The old lady's head. So your mind always just went to the... No, it didn't, actually. Well, no, it did then because I didn't know how to be a stand-up. And now that I've done it almost 40 years, I've started to appreciate how to become a stand-up. So I've slowed down and doing like what you... It's a different world. It took a lot of time to get comfortable in being...

Like letting a crowd listen to a story until there's a punchline. Right. Because I was scared to death. So I'd have to do prop, prop, prop, prop, prop, prop, prop, prop, prop, prop. I'm still scared to death.

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My dad worked at the Space Center, and that's why I'm from Florida. Your dad worked at the Space Center? Was it a rocket science? For God, I know. Dude, what the fuck, right? My first beer, this is great. So my first beer, speaking of drinking, so I was 14, and we're up to see a launch. And this is even in a bit. This is just like a story. So I'm like, my dad says, you want to go see a launch? I said, no, I don't want to see a launch. I want to watch the fucking Brady Bunch or, you know, Gilligan's Island.

So we go to this launch. It's 100 degrees out in Cape Canaveral. And my dad's shaking hands with astronauts and shit. And he said, he comes out, he's an astronaut. He's a

And there's like these little tents set up where they sell beer, wine, hot dogs, you know. So my dad looks at me, he says, what do you want? And I said, a hot dog and a Coke. And my dad looked at the tents and there was 50 people waiting to get a hot dog and a Coke and there was two people in the beer line. So my dad looked at me, he says, you're going to have a fucking beer. That was, you know, 14, 13. So I said, okay.

So he gives me a beer because my dad's not going to wait in the fucking line to give me a coconut hot dog. So I'm just sitting there with a beer. You're 13. And he kept looking over. He used to say, hi, these astronauts. I was like, hi. And all of a sudden, the launch goes off. That was a great launch. I said, there's like three launches. My dad's like, are you fucking drunk? I'm like, I don't know. I think. And then, you know, don't tell your mother. So your father sounds like a redneck scientist. Yes. He was? Yes.

He was a very smart scientist, but he was not really. Yes, redneck. Loved country music. Loved his pickup truck and his boots. Yeah, I don't mean it as an insult. No, no. Not an insult at all. But my dad was so smart. He was too smart for his own good. He was too smart for his own good.

My brother flew F-16s for the Air Force. Where does that shit? How the fuck did I become? I might have a hit of that. Seriously? Seriously. I'm doing the eyes. Seriously? I'm tempted, but if I die, I'll probably die. One thing I never do is proselytize about pot or any drug. It's so personal. It's like you do you, whatever you want to do.

Just don't stop me. Right. But it's not personal, because I'm smoking on the same wetty lippy. And do you drink? Yes, I do drink. Do you exist? Do you drink a lot? No. No. But you drink every day? I mean, this thing was full when I got here, but no. No, I don't drink a lot. These fuckers. Why do they do that to me? See, that's the thing I was going to say to you. Like, if I didn't know you were a prop comic, and I was just talking to you, and we were like comedians. I'm not a prop comic. Okay.

who meet backstage somewhere, and we were just talking, I wouldn't guess that you were. And I mean that as a compliment. It's not like, oh, yeah, he's only funny when he's got a prop in his hand. He's a funny guy. You know, you sound like all my other good comic friends. Non-prom comic friends. Yeah, who are just funny, you know. It's not like you pull out props while we're talking. I mean, okay, you did a couple. Well, that was, yes.

That was the fear I could. I mean, I might have something in me. But that was the fear when I first started doing, like, when I did clubs, as you know, like way back...

clubs, they would have all the comics go on the radio shows. And they'd say, well, they would say, well, he's not going to go on the radio because he's a prop. And I said, I can fucking talk. I can tell stories. And so I went over and went on like Howard Stern, and they were blown away. I said, no, I don't need props. I'm talking. I've been doing this for, I can tell a story. I don't need to do my act on the thing.

And then I said to my assistant during the Howard Show, I said, go get my fucking props just as a joke. And he's like, you're going to do props on the radio? I said, just one. So I started doing some of my props as a joke joke on top of the joke. You know, a gay mousetrap. It's already funny without even having to say it. It was a mousetrap with a little mirror ball. So it's a mousetrap to catch gay mice. So it kills without having to even do the prop. It's funny. I got to say. A mousetrap to catch gay mice. The...

Little schematic you have there of getting the crowd to come to you, though. That is something. Well, yeah. Or anywhere, right? The rest of us...

Leno, you were talking about me, everybody. I got to go to Orlando. I love Orlando, but I don't love going there. I don't love the trip, no matter how easy you make it. It's far away. Whereas you stay in one place, and they come to see you. That's the Vegas method. And not a lot of people get to do that. Not that I'd want to live in Vegas.

Because I wouldn't. And I love Vegas for a weekend. Yeah, no doubt. I don't know. But I guess you seem to like it right away. I didn't right away. No? No. I hated it. But you must have a baller, big-ass mansion. I have three that are all like this. There's three properties. The middle one I do my podcast in. Shut up.

No, I have a nice house in Vegas. People always say the stupid same stuff. Hey, do you hang out with other, you know, it's like, it's not the fucking Rat Pack. We don't have that back then. They think that I'm hanging out with Celine Dion and fucking Adele. Oh yeah, Adele and I have barbecues every week. It's just not what it was back then. No, it's not, well, no. They think it is. It's not clubby. But they want it to be. Right. They want it to be. I want it to be. Well, yeah. Yeah.

But they want it to be like, oh, dear. And there's not a lot of residencies that are there that are one person anymore, like you said earlier. I mean, they do it for a while. I mean, Elton John was there for a while. Yeah, but only for a couple days. But not like 18 years. That's a whole different thing. Then you're like an institution. And who wants to live in an institution? No. Again? No. I was there a few times with, yeah.

I had so much fun when I was on a show with, speaking of being in an institution, Jonathan Winters. And so I was a young, young comic. Jonathan Winters. Jonathan Winters special. Wow. I know, right? And so he brings us to this restaurant in Santa Monica. There's like six comics and him. He's the host. And takes us to a restaurant. And he literally stands there.

and talks to the wall for about 20 minutes. Now, we're all thinking it. And everyone else would just laugh. I'm laughing, but I thought, you know what? There might be something, too. Like, I don't think he's being, I think he's fucking not real. This is real.

And so finally his people came over and said, Jonathan, like. Yeah, he was crazy. He said, you get these soldiers out there and da, da, da, da, and then he turned back and looked at me and he says, you're a good looking kid. He kept doing that shit. I have had two people that used to do that. You're a good looking kid and you grab your cheek and shit. Oh.

And it was scary. It was scary. But it was Jonathan fucking Winters, right? Yeah. I'm like, what? But he was crazy. Don't touch me. It's crazy. It's still my role. Don't touch me. Even if you're a comic genius. Don't touch me. You're not genius enough. But there was a sad moment.

My knowledge of it, which is not deep, but what I thought I know is that Jonathan Winters, it was a sad life. He was depressive. And he was kind of like borderline cuckoo. And when he channeled it like on those old clips we've seen, that's how we know him from The Tonight Show and so forth, you could see somebody working off the top of their head that this was truly ad lib. This was high wire stuff where he did not do an act.

Johnny would just, let me give you a prop. And he'd give him a stick or something. It was very much like what Gilbert did in New York when I brought him up every night at Catch a Rising Star. There was like very basic props. And he would just do crazy shit with them. You know, just flight of fantasy. I cannot compete in this realm. I could not do that. I'd be very intimidated to go up on a stage and

And I mean, some of the bits, of course, certainly I saw Gilbert thousands of times. Well, yeah, probably a thousand at least. I remember there was ones that he would keep in, like there was a stick and

And he would put it behind his head like this, like with his hands over it. Impression, Jesus Christ. Then he would take the stick and turn sideways, profile, and put the stick over his shoulder.

Jesus on the cover of TV Guide. And like, you have to leave that one in. Even he knew that. Even he knew he had to leave that one in. But in general, it was, he would do new, you know, and I think Winters was the same way. Yeah, he was, he was. But yeah, you could just look at him and laugh though. That was kind of interesting, right? I mean, just, you wouldn't say anything. You'd just go, mm.

the hat and you'd laugh. But he was going somewhere. It was an anticipation laugh. You knew he was, he had, or I guess he didn't know where he was going. That was the, but he always seemed to get there. Of course, we've only seen the clips where, I mean, maybe there was ones where he bombed. Where he didn't, yeah. I don't know. But,

It's funny you mention the cheek thing because I remember we must have similar memories of when we were young comics starting out. And there was that old guard, which we are now, which is the sad part. Let's not dwell on that. But when we were starting out, I remember meeting people like Milton Berle. I remember I was at a, oh, Bud Friedman had a dinner and I was luckily one of his favorites. I love Bud Friedman. Bud was always sweet to me.

Oh, the best. I wasn't getting Mitzi, but she never gave me the spot. But Bud Friedman loved me. I don't know why and how, but he gave me the spot. Yeah, I couldn't get on at the comedy store either. But I didn't try that hard. Same thing. I just told someone yesterday this. I said, you know, I never did, though. I didn't try. But I was always, Bud loved me. And it was like when I did Leno. It was like, you're the Leno guy. But I did Letterman. They wouldn't let me do that because they said I'm a Leno guy.

No, but back then, no, no, you're the Leno guy. No, but can I not do both? But I wasn't big enough to do both because, you know, they'd have you, Seinfeld, these guys. You could do Leno and Letterman. But me, they were like, no, you're just, you're the Leno guy. I'm like, but I'm not the Leno guy. I just did Leno. Yeah. But I would love to do Letterman. Yeah, I did do both, but I felt Letterman was much more sparing.

I was, you know, they got it that I was, it was nice that they had me at all, I guess, because I was sort of Jay's guy. I was his, I was his, I was his remote correspondent. I don't know if you remember this. I might. But in the year 1993, when I was just starting Politically Incorrect, I was also Jay Leno's remote guy. I did.

And it started New Year's Eve. They put me in Times Square. I remember the big laugh was, you know, the ball. And it was like, Jay, England made a big bend. But here in America, we've got the big balls. That's great. And it was great. I don't remember who wrote it. I don't know if...

probably not me, maybe, I don't really remember, but it's a great line because, especially 30 years ago, you had to be a little more careful on TV. You couldn't just go, shit, like they do on Comedy Central. There's everything but cunt. Yeah, seriously. Amazing. No, you had to be a little more careful. And for that reason, it got a huger laugh because it was like, oh, wow.

He found a way to say that that makes us think about balls. You know, you can't get them on it because it makes sense the other way. So perfect. So, and then we did like, I did like 25 of those. The Grammys, whatever event, Valentine's Day, Chinese New Year. I do remember this. And I'd have, yeah, we'd go on these remotes. We'd kind of like shoot it ourselves. They barely gave us a producer. It was kind of fun. Yeah.

Yeah. And Jay would then ask me the questions and, you know. Well, he loved to play straight man. You know, he was a, you know, he, I mean, Jay always has a better joke or at least he thinks he does. Or try, yeah, sure, sure. So he doesn't like pause to laugh a long time. You know, he indicates a laugh to you. Right. But you know,

you know what, well, he's the funny thing about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so true. You're on to the next topic. It's kind of smart. It's kind of brilliant, actually, right? Iron Jay. My parents came in to, the Connie Stevens one is still one of my favorites. Do you know this one? Connie Stevens. Yeah. Now, I told Jay this not long ago and he said, I don't know, I said, you did this joke for 30 fucking years. And,

And he legitimately looked at me like I did, like I was, he didn't know it. So I thought it was kind of interesting. Because I know every joke kind of unless they, unless someone says, I saw you do this bit where you do it. I'm like, oh, I've got to write it down. So he says, my mom and dad, I just got the tonight show. And they go, so my mom and dad come from Boston, right? We go to this fancy restaurant. Remind me, Connie Stevens. Well, I'll tell you this real quick. So he says, I'm going to go, I bring my family. This is great, though.

So my mom and dad were at this fancy restaurant. I said, mom, dad, get everything. You know, Jay, get everything you want. Order anything you want. It's on me. So his mom was like, yes, Jay, this is crazy. We're not doing this. And his mom was like, this is expensive. He said, mom, dad, just get anything you want. His mom leans over and says, this is so crazy, but that looks a lot like Connie Stevens.

And Jay looks behind him, he says, well, that is, it's Hollywood, Mom, that is Connie Stevens. You know, which you kind of forget when you're here, right? Well, that is Connie Stevens. She goes, I would do anything to be Connie Stevens. So Jay says,

You know fuck it. He's got the goddamn, but she doesn't know fucking I don't bother so he walks over he says mr. Stevens I don't bother you. I'm the Jay Leno. I just took over from Johnny Carson I'm the host of the science show my parents are here from from Boston and they want to say hello Would you say hello and she says oh sure bring her over? So he was mom Connie Stevens kind of Stevens my mom and he says my mom leans in says whatever happened to you. Oh You know Jay's like ah

So it was just in how he doesn't show up. So I tell him that not too long ago and he goes, I don't remember that joke. I said, you told it for 35 years. That is not a joke to a lot of people. I mean, every performer, myself included, I'm sure you do too, understands one thing about the public. Very, very large percentage of them

without knowing that they're being insulting or trying to be insulting, just don't understand. They're not in show business. I'm not blaming them. I don't know the insurance business.

But I've heard them say things like that. Why don't you have a show anymore? Right. You're like, fuck, I'm on every God-deemed night. As if you could just order it. I get that every day. You still working? Yeah, I had a good day. No, literally. I said, yeah, yeah, every night. They're like, no, seriously, where you been? I'm like, every night, I've been going anywhere. Yeah, you still working? Here's the weird thing, too. I can take not even a day off. I fly to somewhere. Let's say Orlando. Okay.

Get off the plane. I've just done two months in Vegas. I get off the plane, go to a restaurant that I go to all the time in my little town, on my little scooter, in my Speedo. And someone will walk up and say, oh, you're not working anymore? Are you retired? I'm like, I just fucking worked two months. It's one day off. What is your schedule? How many weeks do you do it? I do like four weeks on, one week off on average. Right. Yeah.

This week, I would be in Florida, but I'm here. And you go back to Florida with your week off? Yeah, but I came here for you. Because you only shoot one day, and I was, fuck, I didn't do the goddamn thing. That's why I drank all this Crown. Why do you go back to Florida? I like they put Crown in a different kind of bottle. This is not how Crown comes, by the way. That's a different brand. Because we don't want someone to plug it. We don't want to pay for it. This is right. Pay for advertising?

and I'll put Schlitz Rheingold on it. Should we do a shot instead? That looks like more fun.

But why do you always go back to Florida? You still feel comfortable more in Florida? Yeah, well, I have a boat. So being in Vegas is like always just being in work? I feel like I'm working in Vegas when I go to Florida. Well, you are. Right. So my Florida's a getaway where I'm not working, so I don't read the Trump thing. I didn't know today because I didn't read it. Shut up. But I will hear about it. It's going to be so big.

You work seven days. You got to get close with him. He's seven going to be. Sean, listen to me. Seriously. I'm the only guy that's ever done this. He always gets so close. You're right. He gets so close. And Sean Haney's like, what the fuck? He's like, no, seriously. We're going to talk about this. This is what I mean. It's Pompey. Get off me.

You can't get any closer. It's like a lap dance with Tom. Okay, Mr. Trump. It's like a lap dance. Right. He does. He's right in. Such a. It's true. It's true. It's true. Oh, I know. You can't get any farther away. It's even scarier when it's you. I know. We both have orange. You know, I met him on Regis and Kathy Lee. That's how old I am. Regis and Kathy Lee, and he was the guest host.

And here's the weird thing. Maybe you can help me. You're a very powerful man. You're very powerful. I was on the show with him. Silverstein or Silverstone, whatever her name is from Aerosmith videos. Her, me, Donald Trump. Alicia Silverstone. Alicia Silverstone. Thank you. They got him all right. She just texted me again. Alicia Silverstone. God damn it. So anyway, I'm trying to get this goddamn clip where I come on the show and I walk out on Regis and Kathleen. And all I say is I love that I'm finally on a show where I don't have the stupidest hair. That's all I said.

And Donald Trump looks at me. Oh. Yeah. But he looks at me and he says, like, you know what? And then he says, touch it. And I said, what's that? He said, touch my hair. And I said, I didn't say it. So he makes me touch. Like, I wish I could find the film. I

He puts his hand, like he makes me touch his hair, right? I wasn't against touching his hair. I didn't, I was making, I'm a comic. I just made a joke. It's a Ken and Al joke. I understand. And then he tells, tell the crowd. I said, tell the crowd. Tell the crowd it's real. I said, I didn't say it wasn't real. I said, the joke was I didn't have the stupidest hair. I did not say it wasn't real. He's such an idiot. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Tell them all. I did. I told everybody. He's stupid and he's crazy. Mm-hmm.

These are two different things. Sitting behind you. That people have to understand. Like, stupid is, no one knew healthcare was so complicated. That's just stupid. Was that your Trump impression? That was good. It was really good. It was not good. Who was that? Everyone can do it. Whatever that was was good, though. We all can do it good enough to make people understand. No, you just lean in. You lean in. I'm telling you, you lean in. No.

You lean in. You do. You breathe in. And you feel like you're smoking in your face. That vagina pose that he does with his hands. He always leaves his hands between his legs. And you just pretend you're smoking your eyes. I think that's the international symbol for vagina. I know when you hold him above your head, it's a safety in the NFL. But it's basically the same one. You're right. He does do that. But you stayed loyal to your look.

Although, wasn't it used to be more of a curly fro? Yeah, now it's all, yes. But it's such really yours? It's all mine. Really? I'm going to leave half of it here for you. This is all mine. Yes, it's all mine. It's all mine. It's just, it's just, it's dreaded. It's dreaded. Because I dread every fucking day of my life being keratops. So I dread, I dread it. That's actually funny. I did this because I dread every fucking minute being keratops.

This happened today, by the way. You shouldn't. No, I was driving. I was driving. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard to get a little bite before coming here. Really? Yeah. Sunset Boulevard. Yeah, but in the nice area. And so that one block that's not looted yet.

So I walked by and one of those star buses went by and the guy's like, we're not on the tour top. No, literally. So I was like, hi. And I thought, this is fun. You know, I fucking, I can retire. I made it. I walked in sunset and I got recognized by one of those tour bus guys. Well, you're very recognized. But everybody was like, oh my God.

And they're like, no, it's not really him. Okay, you have a big mass of red hair, first of all. I'm recognizable. You've been around a long time. I'm fucked in a lineup, by the way. So I'm not surprised. Of course they recognize you. No, but it was just cute. I thought it was cute because I was walking and they're like, it's Carl Topper. But what does it take to do dreadlocks? I didn't. They just did it.

Who did it? No, it did it. It did. I didn't do it. It did it. Your hair? Yeah. Because you never wash it? Well, I wash it, but it's very, very big and full. And so if I don't comb it every day, it just starts to curl and knot. Wait, this is from not combing? And this all of a sudden, if you have it every day. So then I just, one day I said, you know what, I'll just, whatever. It needs to be, they comb it out now. It'll take,

It'll take a while, but they can comb it out. But I don't know. It's fun. It's different. A lady in my crowd just two nights ago literally... It's amazing that you could pull it off at your age. Really, it is. At my age. I'm surprised I can even get up and watch. I get what? And look at those guns. Yeah. When did you become this big... Yesterday. Seriously.

Oh, I swear to God, yesterday I started lifting weights. No, it's been a... I've always been lifting weights. That's why people give me so much crap. Because you're a comic and you can't be in shape. Joe Piscopo. Yeah, but he went too far. He was... No, he did though. I mean, I think... I know Joe Piscopo. I'm not saying it in a mean way. I'm saying... No, no. He just went a little too crazy. But people say to me all the time like...

You know, you're a comic. You can't be in shape. Oh, I'll say it in a mean way. I don't know really, Joe, and I love a lot of his comics. I thought he was genius on Saturday Night Live as a sketch player. The things he did, the Sinatra and the some things, he's never, I thought, got enough credit for that, partly because he was playing drums on The Tonight Show. With a tank top. With a tank top. And it's like...

You dick. And I'm sure he knows that, too, by the way. At this point in his life, you know, we all look back and think at some things we did. I mean, I certainly do. Oh, my God. I can't believe I thought that. I did that. I wore that. You know, so I'd be very surprised if he was like, no, that was a great idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think he probably realizes.

He just went too far. It was like the id of every comedian coming out saying, no, I want to have the girls throw themselves at me like they do at Aerosmith. Right, right. And I think that's what it was. I think so, too. I think he knows that, too. But people ask me, I'm not that crazy, but I work out, but I'm not like...

you know first thing they say to me actually when they meet me is like I thought you were like bigger and I'm like no that was they make you out this crazy big muscle guy like I weigh 160 those guns look like you must really like it I like working out but I don't really like you do? yes but I don't I don't go I go like 30 minutes a day I don't go like oh that's smart but every day? almost every day but I also run I'm a runner right so I run

From people. I run from society. People. From people. From people, Bill. I got to do your thing. I got to do your vagina thing. That's funny now that he does do that, doesn't he? He's like, mm. He really does.

Anyway. Pee-wee. That's the Pee-wee Herman. He is. What do you think about that? I never met Pee-wee Herman. I didn't either. Not that I know. I've been talking. Maybe you haven't heard about this. No. Because you heard about Fox News. No, you heard about the Trump thing. But I'm kidding. I'm being stupid. Oh.

But people ask me all day long for interviews, and I said, I don't know. I didn't know him. I don't have any idea. Did not know him. Did not watch the show. Wasn't my type of humor. Agreed. But I completely understand because so many smart people love it. Sure. That it was very smart stuff.

And to a lot of people, it was a scream. Just didn't get me, you know? I don't get everybody. I mean, I don't get them as an audience. You know, you just, you have to. I never did either, but I never, I would have probably liked to met him, but everyone, you know. And I remember when he was one of the first people who seemed to be canceled because he did something like jerk off in a movie theater. It was so what? I like that you said it was something like jerk. That was what it was. Ha ha ha!

Something like jerk off. I never heard about that. No, isn't that crazy, though? You never heard that he got... No, no, no. I'm saying I'm being stupid right now. So I want to talk about this in a sense because it just happened. The newspaper here in L.A. just did a whole story about it. And let's say 400 words were about that and the other 50 words were about... Jerking off. No, what he's done. The 400 were only about jerking off.

I thought that was a little offensive in a sense that... So offensive. When the poor guy, I mean, he wasn't, I'm sorry, but he was in a place where you're supposed to do that, I believe. And this happened so many years ago when I lived in Florida. It's the kind of thing... What does that mean? That makes you, me, I won't speak for everybody, fucking hate the media. The way they, like, there was a Washington Post reporter who, like, an hour after Kobe Bryant's helicopter went down,

brought up and was talking about his rape trial. You know, really? Can you let the embers and the ashes cool down before we... That's what they did with Pee Wee yesterday. He had just passed. And what...

And what is wrong with masturbating in a movie theater? Well, what I'm saying is... I mean, for the kids out there who don't understand what we're talking about, kids before there were cell phones and before there were even like computers maybe. No, I guess there was computers on our desk in, what was this, 1990 something? Yeah. Okay. But, I mean, there wasn't Pornhub. I don't think...

Back then I don't know but there's places you go there was yes. I remember porn in the 90s It was VHS you could rent them or buy them. I remember I still have them You know what? I remember when I took took off from politically incorrect

soon to do the show I'm doing now, real time. Jimmy Kimmel came in in my time slot in ABC, and we were always friends. I didn't interrupt it. I was happy for him. He came to the party, and his gift to me, because he is such a sweet guy, a box of porn, VHS tapes. That was like where we were. It's funny. So if you were going to masturbate,

Which is a natural, you know, he didn't masturbate on children or anything, did he? I don't think so. No, he just... I don't know. I didn't ask. Before there was the easy way to masturbate at home, you had to go to the theater or get a VHS or magazines. But why did that happen then? But he's not the... Fred Willard. Remember Fred Willard? Of course I do. Fred Willard, one of the funniest guys ever. Brilliant.

Masturbated in a theater. Yes. That alone is brilliant. But they didn't last long after that when it happened. Meaning, I remember when it happened that I was like, oh my God. But it was gone the next day. But the people thing destroyed him.

Destroyed him, yes. Destroyed him. It was very similar to... But why? But why is such a... I mean, seriously, it wasn't with anything... Like you said, it wasn't anything... It was just pornography. It wasn't... Well, I guess... Look, they can make up any reason they want and people can posture and pose and pretend that they believe anything about anything.

So their excuse for this one was, well, you know, his show is for children. Children plus masturbating equals evil. Bullshit. You just, for whatever reason, you can't tell who you want. Other people, my example always, and I'm not trying to pick on him, but Charlie Sheen has done more things that are...

like many multiple times worse in each area than people who've been canceled for something else, and he gets a Super Bowl commercial. First Tonight Show I ever did. They just don't hold it against him. They're just some people who slide. Winona Ryder had the same thing happen as who we were talking about. Yeah, the Pee Wee Herman, yeah. For like, well, she was shoplifting. So weird.

I know, but it's kind of weird. It's legal now in San Francisco. Now it is. It's legal now in San Francisco. Now it is. You can just break into Barney's right now. They just said that the Gucci store got robbed again. That's funny. There's a billboard that says, come get what's left. Winona Ryder was just ahead of her time. She was ahead of her time. She shoplifted. She was doing it before it was cool. In the wrong era. She was the pioneer of shoplifting.

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Hey, I'm back on the road. I'm doing stand-up in Las Vegas very soon. Friday, September 15th. And Saturday, September 16th, I will be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand, my new home. Loving it. That's the MGM Grand in Vegas. And then Saturday, October 7th, I will be at the fabulous Fox Theater in St. Louis. It's actually called that. They were like, fuck it, we're fabulous.

And then Sunday, October 8th, I will be in Omaha, Nebraska at the Orpheum Theater. It's great, too, just a little more modestly named. Come on out and see me. So do you remember how we met? I love, I have nothing. How we met. No, I don't. I have to tell you this. But I don't remember how I met anybody. We're all goddamn datatators. Yes. Because you don't remember. I don't. All right. I'm telling you. But I don't remember anybody how I met. I know, but I want to tell you because it's going to be great. It's going to be great. So...

Maybe it's HBO, I guess, the guy that used to run HBO. One of those big parties. Bill Clinton was there. Everyone was there. What year is this? 1990-something. It was always in the 90s. Clinton was president? He might have either just came out of being president and he was there. Well, that was 2000 then. No, it was before then. Sorry, he might have been. So, right. Anyway, everyone's these big round tables. There's like 30 people.

or 13, 14 people at a round table. You're at one. I'm with Whoopi Goldberg. I don't know. All the people that were... It's a dinner party? Yeah. A dinner party? Yeah, but it was... Somebody's house? No, it was at a big, like a hotel. It was a big, like... Oh, okay. It was either an award show or a thing. Oh, so there's a big event. So there are lots of tables. Is that right? Yeah. It's an event. Yes. Dinner. Dinner.

So we go to the... So not just the one table. No, there's a thousand people. But I was at this table. You were at a table. Okay. I was at a table, but all celebrities. You left out a thousand people. Oh, yeah, sorry. Celebrities, all celebrities, sorry. I'm a horrible... A thousand celebrities? That's why I'm a prop comic. I can't tell a story. A thousand celebrities? A thousand, no, literally. I mean, Larry King, you, Clinton, fucking...

Casey Kasem, right? So I go, there's a restroom break. I go to the restroom and I walk in and there's Casey Kasem is next to me in a urinal.

Wow. Yes. And Ted Danson, Larry King. I'm not making this up. So I stand up at the urinal. You walk in, and you're next to me at the other side of the urinal. Really? And I looked over at Casey Kasem, and I was losing my mind. I said, this is crazy. Now, this is before I'd ever met you. And I'm like, oh, my God, Bill Maher. Like, I've never been to California, and I'm peeing next to Bill Maher and Casey Kasem.

And I looked over at you. You were peeing. And I looked over at your stall. And I said, that is a beautiful cock to you. And you said, what the fuck? And I said, that's a great cock. And you laugh like you're now doing. And I thought, oh, God, I could have gone either way. And you laughed. And you kept going, you, you, fuck. So you went out. And I'm like, oh, God, I hope I didn't ruin the whole thing.

So I go back to my table and I see you sitting with your table of friends and you were telling them what I just had done. And then you look at me and you said, come here. And I said, what? You said, come here. And everyone's laughing. And tell them what you just did. And I said, you just told them what I did. And he said, well, tell them. I said, you just told them what I did.

And I said, and just for what it's worth to all your friends, I said, it's not that great. It's like Casey Kasem's like a little... And you said, you want to be in my show tomorrow. Oh, that's just... And you put me on your Politically Incorrect show the very next day. The next day? And I remember your producer to this day, a writer, came out and said, what the fuck, Billy Martin? And I said, Billy, how funny is that? He's like...

dude, you know, whatever, but it was great. The very next, yeah. I mean, it was a bit of a slow week. You didn't have anybody to fill that last year. I was on there many times. It was fun. It's a good round table. I'm trying to find out what year this is because 1990 something. I understand that. Uh,

Well, maybe it's too late. It might have been too late. I know it's not 1880, and I know it's not 2460. Yes, the 90s. But, like, the show started in 93, and Clinton started in 93. Right, so it was around that time. Okay, but that meant, if that was the case, that meant that Clinton was sitting at the table with us? No, he didn't sit at the table. He spoke. He came out. It could have been a Clinton fundraiser. It might have been a, no, it was for, I want to say it was for HBO guy, whatever his name was, but yeah.

It could have been a Bill Clinton fundraiser. Well, it was very cool. If he was president. I'm talking like people, like everybody. I think it had to be. Billy Crystal. I'm like, what the fuck? I think this had to be later than 93 because the show just started. They didn't know who I was. 95, 96. Yeah, okay. So he was probably president. It was pre-COVID.

As if that makes any sense. I love that. Pre-COVID. Yes. And post-Civil War. Yes, yeah. Wow. No, I don't remember that. Not too bad. Now you remember. All the times that we've done things together. Your party with Florence Henderson, Bill Clinton. I must tell you, Scott, I have a very selective memory. I do. So do I. I don't... It's Bill, right? I don't really understand...

Why the things that stick sticks? No, but you do a good job at it and then so much doesn't like I You must have the same situation you have memories Of course don't seem to from way long ago that don't seem to have any significance. You just remember that Oh, yeah, I remember that night in college and we were watching TV and I remember that guy Stu said like all your snacks revolve around cheese and

You know, because I had Cheez-Its and cheese squares and whatever. Why do I remember that from 1977? You know, it just makes no sense. Why do I remember that? And then, like, the whole seemingly more important things just are gone with the wind. And certainly every time I've met you up until this time is, yeah. But this is great.

This is the first day of the rest of our lives. We probably said before our wedding day we shouldn't talk, but yeah, just wanted to say. Well, that's the sad slash happy thing about our business. People tend to only really even see friends when you're working. Yeah.

You know? That's true. It's just the one thing that gets us off our ass. Yeah. Even though we'd have just as good a time and it would be exactly what we're doing. But there's just something about it. You're right. You know? Well, there's a thing, and God bless, yeah, that you're working because, you know, there's other worse things. I'm not working. No. I have nothing, you know. No, you'll work till you drop. I hope so. Yeah, it's been a fun run. Yeah. I mean, what else would you do?

Run for Congress? Yeah, wouldn't that be great? They always make that joke. Carrot Top's going to run for, oh, fuck. You could, though. Yeah. You know why? Run for any kind of office. Well, first of all, as Trump and others before him have proved, anyone. Every time you do that, I've got to come in. And you've got to do it close. You've got to be close. He's holding Sean Hannity's knees. Seriously. Seriously. Right? Yeah.

It's so true. It's true. It's so close. He can't do it back here. He never sits back in his chair. He's always up on it. That's who he is. Yeah, he's ready to go. I think he's ready to jump. Of course. He can't jump. You know what I mean? It is weird. I do find it interesting when you do this, actually. This is interesting to me. I'll ask you this. So when you do politically incorrect things,

That's totally correct. Real time. Yeah. You have your chair, and you do have this very calm demeanor where you're not like... No. No, but you're not. But it's interesting to me. I always feel like I never could do something where I'm just so relaxed. I have to be kind of... So that's funny that... Yeah, but I mean, that's what makes it interesting. We're so different. Yeah.

But I am relaxed. I've been sitting back until I do my job. Because we're just doing this. But when you do your show, yes, you're performing at an energy level that I'm not attempting to get to and would ruin what I'm doing. If I did real time, you know, and here's the governor and here's the senator. Bah!

- Yeah, lady! - I mean, no, I mean, if it doesn't work here, that's why I started a podcast. But it doesn't, yeah, I mean, you gotta-- - God, you should do one time, let's do that one night in the show.

come out that way. Now our governor! Whatever he just did was brilliant. Well, no, but yeah. What would really be funny is if one night they're like, Bill is ill tonight, filling in to host real time. And then you would blow their minds because you'd have read the paper that day. Right. I read the paper every day. I know you do. I do. You know what? I read it. You could handle it fine. You could probably handle it better than like

Lot of people that others would think would handle it better. Thank you, and I we had a guy we had a guy We had an idea one time Saturday live, but the guy that of course owns it runs a show and Laurie Michael Michaels So it's weird that so so one time my buddy had a great idea. He says holy shit Saturday live

You should be like the guest host, whatever. I said, they're going to fucking have me as a goddamn guest. Normie. But you know me. Well, okay. But I mean, they're going to have anybody. So it turned out my buddy had a brilliant idea. He said, Saturday Night Live, oh my God, this year ends on a, the Saturday is New Year's Eve. I mean, what do you call it? The April Fool's.

And I'm like, oh, okay. So we did this idea. And it was really funny. And they loved it. It is funny. And even Lorne Michaels loved it. They were all ready to go. Because it was an April Fool's show. They're like, ladies and gentlemen, you know, Adele and Carrot Top. And I walk out. And before I, you know, the crowd's like, what the fuck? And then it says April Fool's. And then they have like, you know, Chappelle or someone real do it.

But it was the same idea. It would have been really funny. And I would say, wait, but I really can do this. And then they'll put me in a skit later. But I really can... Yeah. It's funny. I thought this was going in a slightly different direction. I'm not thinking I'm crazy about this because, first of all, it's exactly, you could do it. It's just so snobby. Yeah. It's just so New York. And look, nobody...

Truth is, nobody has been responsible for more of the comedy that this country has consumed in its lifetime than Lorne Michaels. I mean...

The comics who came out of that show became the movie stars. Jesus. I mean, it's just. It can't be a bigger platform show. No one is close to second. Just producing. And, you know, therefore also being sort of the arbiter of a certain kind of taste. And, you know, they constantly found amazing people. Amazing sketch players turned into amazing, you know, movie. Not every one's a hit or a great, but I mean, you know. A lot of them. I could go through the names. Oh, yeah. A lot of them.

But, and for whatever reason, he didn't want me to, you know, there was a time when I should, would have been more appropriate to do it. I guess I'm too polarizing now. But, and they would look upon you as what, too, I don't know. But there are many nights when they have somebody hosting that show and I go, okay, good name,

bad host. You know, you're star fuckers. I get it. That's part of the formula of the show where it became it. But there are some people who actually would have given you a better show. I think you could have given them a great fucking show. And we shouldn't be so fucking snobby about it. Like Carrot Top should not be in this other category. I took it as a joke. Well, I'm the one that thought of the idea.

Not me, my buddy did. But I have a sense of... I don't like the idea of you cementing this reputation of somebody who's just... It's such a joke that... Sure, sure. It's a little like the way... That's why I thought we'd do the... I would come in and sketch later and kind of re...

Let him you know, that's one thing Trump never does is he never like owns up to anything there Usually it's bullshit. But like as far as defending yourself that works great in politics the opposite was Al Gore in the year 2000 when he was running for president after Bill Clinton's horrible blowjob scandal that just made America cry and

He sort of distanced himself, not sort of, very much distanced himself from a very successful administration, which he was the vice president. Because the head guy got blown. My joke was, what was he, holding Monica's hair? It's brilliant. And Trump is the opposite. You know, don't give them the satisfaction of...

putting a label on you. Well, it's too late now. I don't... No, I mean, I think it's fine now because I'm going 40 years later. But to be the punchline is fine. That's big of you. Well, I mean, I'm still doing it. I'm still standing. I'm still doing my show every night. Speaking of the monologue, this is great. So I did the Jay Leno show. My closing bit was this

It was very well engineered. It was like a great prop. Great prop. It was a podium and it had this foot pedal and it had the Monica Lewinsky head came up. But there was like three parts to the whole. Seriously, there was like three parts. Oh, some of your props are elaborate. Thank you. There were some that have been real. This one was great. You're like if Tom Cruise was a prop comic. This was the kind of shit that he would like...

I've had a few that I've been proud of as far as engineering-wise. One was the senator. How much space do they take up? A lot, right? Backstage? Well, yeah. And across the street, there's a warehouse. Couldn't you imagine having to travel with that? It would be like a rock band. You'd need trucks. We do travel with it. I have a crew that takes it. When we go on the road, they take it all. There was a senator that got busted for soliciting sex in the bathroom where he tapped his foot. Remember that?

Yes. Okay. Larry Craig. Yeah. So I'm like on it, right? I have to do Leno like three days and I'm like, I'm always topical. Fuck, I got the goddamn prop. So it's a briefcase that I want a leg to come down and I want the foot to tap like this, right? That was the whole joke in the scandal thing. Wow.

If I could set it up for you, Larry Craig, yes, was a senator. He was in the bathroom in Minneapolis. Correct. A bathroom that is known to be like the... How come I never heard of this bathroom? Known to be like the gayest bathroom. Why don't I know about this bathroom?

Well, you do now. And so, and there were rumors about him anyway. He was plainly a closeted homosexual. He was in something like Idaho, where you just can't be, this was a long time ago, you just can't be a gay senator. But how do you do that in an airport and you think they're gonna get fucking head?

And that was the thing. Well, it must be some signal that goes on. But I'm saying, let's say, forget that he's a senator. He's in an airport. But what does he think? He's going to get hit at the airport? Like, who gets fucking hit at the airport? Lots. Really? At an airport? Oh, yes. In this bathroom? Yes. In this, yes. It was known for it. See, I don't understand all that. Well, George Michael got. I know. I just drove by it a minute ago. Right. That was a park right down the road here. But that's different than an airport. Right.

You're in an airport. You kind of have trees and breeze and fucking looking at it. And I don't mean this. There's no judgment or demeaningness meant here at all. But the gay community is different. You got me in the airport. A little looser. We're uptight as heterosexuals.

But no, it was a briefcase and I thought of the idea and I just, being funny, I said, here's what I want the briefcase to do. I want the foot to come down and a dress suit leg and a dress shoe and I want it to drop down and then I want it to tap. So my prop builder says to me,

Oh, he says, okay, yes, I will. The next day, I walk into Luxor, and he's got this briefcase. There's a red button, a blue button. Hit the red button, and the leg goes down. And it taps. So I'm like, oh, my God. So I go on The Tonight Show. I'm like, this is as topical as you could be. The camera guys are always the worst. They finally got it. They zoomed right in on the foot. Right.

So that's one that I'm proud of because it was just like, even Jay was like, how the fuck did you make that? I said, I don't know. I thought of it and the guy made it. But this guy is always on your payroll? Yeah. You have to have a guy like that. He's a prop master. Master prop maker. Unbelievable. And there's been some that was one that was very, the Clinton one, I love this one because I did the Tonight Show again. It was the last bit of the show.

And so I do the rehearsal as you've done it thousands of times. So, you know, the artist lady's, you know, just looking at me. She hates me. She loves me, but she hates me. You know, I always bring my jokes. She's like, Scott, you can't do a gay rat trap. I'm like, why? So I do the, I have this Bill Clinton podium and it is three, there's like four layers of this prop. There's a,

got the presidential seal and a true false button and same thing, two buttons and it'd have a eh, ding, ding. So I said, I did not have sex with that woman. It'd go eh, and then I did ding. So it's like built up. Yeah.

The last joke of the whole fucking buildup of this whole goddamn lie detector podium, which is so, honestly, would work now because it's just generic. Right. Is I hit this foot pedal and this Monica Lewinsky head would come up with a beret, literally a beret on it. And all you see is this, is this from the, you know, the beret. And I would take, and I would, I'd put her head, this makes you think of what you said. And I'd put her head, I'd use my hand and I'd put it down. Oh, God. And I'd say, not now, not now. Right? Right.

Wait, you didn't do that on TV. Wait, no, this is true. So it kills, of course, in the rehearsal. Everyone's going crazy. I mean, even Jay's, you know, he's over there. So, come over. I had the worst. These are like, I'm going to write a book about my Tonight Show stories. So the lady says, you can't.

I said, can you do the podium? That's my last bit. She goes, you can do the podium. You can do everything, but you can't use your hand to put her head down. That's what I would think. I said, well, there's no ending. So I said to the prop guys there that have helped me for so many times, I said, can you come up with... I had this foot, but can you make it where...

It goes down without me physically touching it. They worked on it for... I only had an hour from the work on it. They couldn't do it. So I'm live. Do the thing. Kill. It's the last bit. And the fucking head comes up. It's fucking brilliant. And I can't do this or I'm done. So I use my elbow because I get... So I went... I go, no, not now. And I put...

Oh, fuck. Did they get mad at you? Well, they did, but it was like a kill. But, you know, they came over and they said, I said, I said, no, he said, I can't use my hand. Right. So, you know, you got to find a... And then was there... They were fine. No, but like, was it a million letters or something? Oh, I don't know. I wasn't there for the letters. So there was no like... No, but it's just funny how there's certain things you can do

Though that's fine, and then you find it's funny that where you cross the line is using your hand as opposed to your elbow. The elbow is okay. They did let it go. Yeah. But the hand is not. This is taboo. This is, oh, it's okay. Get back to my point about Charlie Sheen and, like, everything is arbitrary. Yeah. I don't mind rules. I do sometimes, actually. But, like, can we have some consistency about some of this shit?

Like, why does somebody get into this much trouble? I mean, like, I could not want Trump to be president less than anyone in this country. I don't want anything bad to happen to Biden. I want to be able to just be, okay, everybody, we hate this choice. And yet he would beat him again. But his son...

This shit with Hunter Biden, the stuff that this rascal's gotten into, and just even if you take away the criminality thing, deal, just there's a...

A quote that I've read many times now where he's sitting, I can't remember who he's sitting next to. Oh, he's sitting next to his father, or at least he says he is. He's on the phone with one of those shady people in China or Ukraine or something. And the level of privilege in this statement, it's like, if you don't do exactly what I say right now, I'm sitting next to my dad, okay? And if you make me wait...

I'm going to be very angry, and I think you're going to really regret it a lot because I have a lot of things I could do to you. I mean, it is just... Yeah, it's great. And if Don Jr. had said that, they would just be so all over it. And this is not... It's true. I don't like Don Jr., but...

Come on, can we just judge things by what they are and not what team does them? This made me cringe. See, that's why you're important to this world. Thank you. Well. I'll finish your thought. No.

Because this is why you're important in this world, because that's exactly what people say when I was telling them I was coming on your show, that you're not only just, but you have, this is the shit that people need to hear. I gotta say, being on strike is starting to get a little old, you know? That's why I don't have writers.

No, I don't. You write everything yourself? All this last hour genius, all from me. No, but that's different than writing an act. Really, you write every bit yourself? No, I mean, I really wish. It's funny because I've had people in the past. Why? I don't know. I would love to have people that would write things that would make sense. You can get that. Put a crowbar in your wallet and hire someone. I know.

Is it? What are you, cheap? No, I just don't get people that you have people write for me. They use and it's not a joke. So they think character. So if I get people to write for me, I'll say to write me some stuff. They'll write like, hey, it's a shoe, a shoehorn is a shoe and a horn. I'm like, that's not what I fucking do. So it gets it really gets annoying that they don't understand. Well, that's I get it. No, but it's no, no. You know what? Say no more. It's you know what? I just like that.

I wanted something like the podium. I want the true fall. I want clever. You had me at shoe. You had me at shoe. Because I got it because I have the same thing but in my world. I mean, I read writer submissions every year and see who's out there. But you want the clever shit. And it is astounding.

how lame it usually is. Or they think they're voices. And of course, they're writing the bits. They have to be somewhat familiar with the show because we're asking them to write samples of how you would write. And I think the show's been on 20 years. If you're a comedy writer and you're not aware of it, you're probably not going to fit for the... I'm sure they're all aware of the show. Maybe they're fans. Maybe they're not. Whatever. They want the job.

And they understand, oh, you know, this is his editorial. So we have to do a sample of that. And here's some monologue jokes. And here's some new rules. And it's like...

Are you, this is the show you're watching. So I'm saying I understand what you're talking about. Right. So you're like, they're not, they comprehend what you send, they think they're sending you. Yeah. Right. I mean, but that's also the good part about it. It's like when you could do something few others can do, then you're going to have a niche in the business.

True. So they submit something for new rules and they should be a little bit on point with what they've seen the show. I remember when Politically Incorrect was first on, like the first one or two years, and it got a lot of press for a minuscule rating. But it was new and fresh and they loved that in the media. So there was a lot of buzz about it and

there started to be some imitation shows, as there always is in TV. And I remember being very agitated about it and worried, and I said to my producer, Scott Carter, at the time, like, "Oh my gosh, they're gonna steal our show." And he said to me, "Bill, we hire people here, and we can't even teach them how to do the show."

Right, right, right. That's great. You're so right. They can't steal it because I'm trying. That's brilliant. Yeah, it made me feel better. No, that's funny. We can't even teach it. We're trying to get them to do this show. That's so funny. That is crazy. What? That. That's mind-boggling. So I don't have any writers because of that.

We also met at the Playboy Mansion. You and I met at the Playboy. So this is why you never got married? You're really going back to the, my work is too important. No, I do. I had a dog. Because I've used it. My hands are not clean here. I've used my work. It's too important. I'm not clean on this at all. I'm just asking you if that's what you're using these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I do work a lot, and I don't have, I'm very, I am kind of, I just, I don't, yeah. You like your alone time. Yeah, I love my alone time. I do too. No, I do. I mean, I know you. But no special lady? That's why I was asking if you were, you come down here by yourself sometimes, just interview like nobody, just to get away for an hour. No special lady in your life? She's in the car right now. In the trunk, probably. In the trunk of the window. I hope the air is running. Yeah.

Yeah, no special lady. Did you ever get I was at a hotel last night? Yeah, I was Nine years we were married. No, we were getting together now gonna get married and I didn't want to get married So I am that's chuffling. I don't want ones break up right, you know, who are best friends now and Yeah, I was at a bar my hotel bar last night is great and his lady was sitting next to me wait the hotel the hotel bar and

You would go to a hotel bar just by yourself? Well, of course. Why would I not go to a hotel bar myself? I'm going to go to one later, my same hotel bar. Really? But yeah. And I sat there by myself. Yeah, of course. You're ballsy. Yeah. I'm a risk taker. And this lady's next to me for, I don't know, an hour at least. And this guy came in and they wanted people to move down. And he said, this is not a joke. He said, would it be okay if you and your wife moved down a seat? Because they wanted another stool. He thought she was your wife?

the woman that I'd never, so I said, "What's that?" He said, "Do you mind if you and your wife would move down a seat?" I said, "Oh, I don't mind." I said, "Would you move down a seat?" And then she said, "What's that?" I said, "Yeah, my, they think you're," and I made a joke. I said, "You know why you think she's my wife?"

Because we haven't spoken for over an hour. Like, it's just silly to me, but like, I don't know this woman from Adam. And they just assumed there's a woman next to me that should be my wife. You're telling me that you go to a bar with that hair and Marilyn Manson's eyeshadow on, and people just think you're like Al from Cleveland who's married to the person next to you? Yeah, they do. They do. But I don't know.

I guess. They just assume. I don't know. I would feel like... You don't go to a hotel bar by yourself? I don't know. No. I would be very self-conscious. No. To be out by myself? Yeah. I went to Dantana's last time. You know, Dantana's. Great restaurant. Great Americans. No, great. I went there. In fact, you know, my favorite Dantana story ever, I'll leave you on this because I know you're looking for ice. I'm not going anywhere.

I went to Dantana's years ago. This is such a wonderful...

LA thing. You know, LA, there's only LA stories, right? Right. There's things that happen only in LA. Absolutely. Only in the big city. Literally, right? So I'm working out at, well, this is two jokes, two stories. I'm in Venice Beach at Gold's Gym. This is way back in 1990. Of course you were. Of course I was. Look at these guns. Look at these guns. So I'm on this bench press, but there's no spotter. I don't need a spotter because it's called a Smith machine, so you can see.

You know what a Smith machine is. It's called a dumbbell. No, it's like this. It locks in, right? So you don't have to do a post-spotter. Yes, I know. So I'm doing the Smith machine. I don't have the giant guns, but I will. Yeah, you do. You have beautiful guns. You're very lean. I am very lean. I like lean. I mean, I don't know who those guns were. What is that? These are lean guns. Like...

The chicks dig that? Is that why you do that? Totally love it. They do? Yes. Of course they do. They always do like this. And every time a girl touches your arm, you always do like this. Every guy does that. You don't have to because you've got your age. Right. You're like, I was going to flinch up. Anyway, so I'm just thinking. And this guy says, let's go five more. Right? So I'm working out. I'm like, I don't need a spotter. I don't have to ask for a spotter. I'm just by myself in this stupid gym.

And I look up and this guy's over me yelling at me. And I'm like, I'm good. And he's like, let's go five more. So I'm like, fuck. How presumptuous. Literally. And I'm thinking, I'm like, four in me, but not five more. So anyway, I'm like, ugh.

And I'm trying to get it up, and this guy's standing over me. This is so weird. He's just standing over me like, he's like, let's go. And I look up, and his sweat is dripping off of his forehead. No, not on my, like, it's in my, now it's in my face. Guess who it is? Stop talking. It's James Caan. Jimmy Caan.

So I get down and I'm like, I go, thanks. And he's like, good job, man. And I was like, that's Jimmy Conn's fucking sweating on me. Take it. What do you do? You're like, this is the Godfather. But his sweat is like, you know, in my fake mustache, everything. This is fake. It comes off. Watch. That's L.A. Oh, so the Dan Tanis one's great. Dan Tanis. Dan Tanis. Still great, right? Still great, right? Yeah.

I'm sitting at this bar one night, way quicker than the last one. This would be quicker. So this guy next to me says, oh, my God, carrot topping. It couldn't have been nicer. He said, where do you, you know, what do you, my family loves you. My whole family loves you, and we've been watching forever. I was like, Timmy? He's like, no. Grew up with you. So he said, how did you, what do you owe your success to? And I said, I don't know.

you know, is it luck or is it, I said, well, completely, probably a little bit of everything, luck and at the right time. But this guy's just really persistent on me. You're funny. But he says, I'm a singer, he says to me. I said, oh, you're a singer. I said, oh, cool.

He says, you know, with all the connections, do you think it was connections that helped you? I said, well, I don't have connections. I came from a, you know. It's not connections. Guess who this guy is. So he keeps going. He's like, yeah, I would just think with my connections, I would have had a little more success. And I said, oh, well, who do you, who, who, who, they just had a loud dinner eating spaghetti. So I said, well, who'd you, he said, you know, my brother, you know, being president,

I thought that, but I thought, I said president of like Warner Brothers Records, right? So I said president of, what's that? Warner Brothers? Who's president? Again. Who was the president? Wait, so I said, well, my brother being president and all. So I said, Warner Brothers? Warner Brothers?

He goes, no, no, my brother, president. I said, of? And he goes, the United States. And I said, it's fucking Roger Clinton. Oh, Roger Clinton. But it's like I'm having a conversation for like 30 minutes with this guy. Just eating, no clue. My family loves you. I was, I partied with Roger Clinton a couple of times. I was on a, I was on a, this is so not me kind of thing to say, but it happened once. So I'm going to say it. I was on a yacht.

in Cannes during the Cannes Film Festival. - Jesus, so fucking gay. So you were on a yacht in Cannes. - In 1999, and Roger Clinton was on board. Could not have been nicer. I mean, I do understand, yeah, you know what it was? We were filming Politically Incorrect in London that year in the summer, okay? That was like a thing you had to do back then is like do a stunt week for ratings week, ratings month, so we went to London.

Did not get the guess we were hoping for. Not that I'm holding a grudge 24 years later. Anyway, so I thought as long as I'm in Europe and then my friend had a yacht, he said, you got to come down. The timing is perfect. Of course, me, the nervous driver I am, it was not perfect. But OK, I didn't like sleeping on a yacht. The whole thing was not my thing. But Roger Clinton was there. And I can see why the Clintons kind

kind of have a reputation for handsiness. I'll just say that. They're just very friendly men. I saw it with both of them. You know.

It's kind of like the Trump lean in thing, except the hand actually goes in on you. I tried not to touch you, though. No, you did great. I did, right? I was so close to touching you. Yes, absolutely. People get weird when you do that. People get weird when you do that. If you touch their knee. No, I had to do that one time. No, it's totally right. People get weird with you. But I'm a touchy guy, so if I touch someone, they're like, what the fuck are you touching me?

You're a touchy guy? I'm very touchy. Really? I didn't know that. You're a loner who's touchy. Yeah. I was in the... You must be touched every night. Yes. I pay for it. There was a lot of...

prostitutes that hang out at my hotel bar. And I said to the bartender, I said, you know what? The only reason I got in, he said, does that bother you? I said, it does not bother me. I said, you know, the only reason you get in show business is not to pay for fucking pussy. Wow. That's baller. No, wait. No, he said, well, that's true. Yes. And then he said, really? I said, doesn't mean I might not ever get any, but I'm not going to pay for it. I mean, I might not. I could go for years without it, but I'm not going to pay for it.

I might never get laid, but I'm not paying for it. Fuck. What's wrong with me? That's the only way I got in show business.

Again, this is another... And I didn't get in for that. Not that I need... There's one reason you get in for that. Another reason not to go to the bar a lot. But if I need another one, I don't want to be like chum in the water for prostitutes in a hotel bar. It's just not a good look. They don't normally frolic to me. Not even the prostitutes? No, they do. You've got to change your hair, man. No, they do. Yeah, they do. They go, wow, are you like... Is that real? Yeah, it's real.

You're staying at the... Are they allowing you to stay here? I can't believe...

Not everyone who encounters you may be a fan, but I can't believe that everyone doesn't know who you are. It's very Mickey Mouse with you. I mean, as a logo. It's just worldwide. We just know the logo. It's like we may have a diminished opinion, which is not right, but we may. That might be the most offensive thing I've ever been told. Yeah.

I'm sharing Mickey Mouse with you. The fuck? No, but yes, it's a strong brand. It's a strong, famous brand. So everyone's going to have... It's a blessing and a curse. Everyone... Yes, a bane and a boon. A boon bane. So...

Everyone who comes across you, and I do mean comes across me. We're back to the prostitutes in the bar. No. And when you come across a person. When I come across anybody. Anyone who comes across you has some opinion. They have some. Yeah. Yes, they do. Most people who see me, I feel like, have no opinion because they don't know who I am. They don't watch the show. I bet they do. They do.

There's millions and millions who do, but there's many who just, I'm just some guy in the crowd, which is great. I'm not unhappy about that. But I feel like it's very different for you. I feel like, oh, there's Mickey Mouse. I'll be honestly, pleasantly, yes. Here's my opinion of Mickey Mouse. Yeah, you know, it's funny. I honestly...

believe this, like the most times people that are aware of me or not aware of me that meet me, it's always a better ending to it. Like they don't, they always have this perceived. You can only go up. Well, they always have this preconceived, yes. Fuck.

conception of what you are, who you are, and then they meet you, they're like, God, you're so like shy and quiet and not like this crazy guy you run around juggling salt and pepper shakers at the restaurant kind of thing. You're like, you're actually quiet and talking to the hookers and, you know. But seriously. So,

So it's always usually more like, wow, I didn't know you were such a normal guy. Right. And you're different when you're at your job. Oh, my God, you don't sound now like you do when you're ordering pallets. Right. Whatever people do for a living, I assume they're ordering pallets of something. That's a great line. Yes, I am sure there are people who work in the...

industrial adhesive industry who have a voice that is different than the one when they go out to the club. Right. You're right, though. But people don't know that, though. They don't know what to do. Howie Mandel had a funny line, I thought. It was

He was very funny. He was in an elevator in Vegas. He's a funny guy. Great guy. Great and funny. One of the very nicest people that's ever been. As of you two. We sat right here, and to this day, I kind of wish that we could do it. He was here now? Well, it's back to my thing about when you're working. We both had such a great time, like I'm having with you now. But I bet, and I mean, oh, we've got to have dinner, blah, blah, blah.

That was like a year and a half ago. It's just, you know, I did this podcast because that's work. You're here because it's work. You know, it's hard to get us out of our fucking ruts and whatever we're doing with the prostitutes in the hotel bar. That's your business. It's your business. That's not my business. It is now. That would be. That would be. But Howie's a brilliant suite from day one.

As of you, like there's certain people that I've met day one that I admired and loved and just wow. And he always- Did you meet him with a dick thing too? No. I met him, no. Nice. It's not like everybody. No.

Only you. Here I am. Only you and I met. And I find out you met like 10 other comics that way. Oh, you have a nice cock. You have a nice cock. Yeah. Oh, Barry Larkin, you have a nice cock. No, you were the only one that I saw. It was Greg Cock. But Howie, I see he did a joke where he gets in an elevator in Vegas and he says, it's so weird. The door's open. He's by himself. And I'm not doing it justice because it's his joke. But he said, the people came on and said, oh my God.

Aren't you Helen Mandel? And he said, yes, how are you? He says, why aren't you smiling? And he says, how fucking weird would that be if the doors opened? And the doors opened, he goes like, he's standing there like, and it just made me laugh. And I'm like, you're right, because people always just see me. Why don't you have that glove on your head that's in your closing bit? You just seem depressed. Where's your props? Why are you not happy? I'm sitting in a bar. But here's the thing to remember about this discussion.

Okay. I'm taking this. Woody Allen made an interesting movie in 1980 called Stardust Memories. You remember it? I do. Okay. And it's about a comic who, like, sees his audience as something beneath him. They may not, and I think what...

has served us well is never seeing our audience that way yes they don't get our business the way we don't get the pallets right business yeah but that doesn't mean they're dumber and you can't you can't i know woody allen's movie was rather condescending i mean he yeah he was such a big star bigger than we've ever been at the time so i'm sure there was always people but it was this same kind of thing

People coming at him saying things that seem ridiculous and are very trying for you to try to answer and respond to. But he did not do himself, I always thought, favors.

by making that movie about that subject. It was honest. It was like, hey, this is how I really feel. I'm a big movie star now and I got all these fucking idiots coming at me all the time saying the most stupid, crazy crap you can believe and I have to put up with it. But it's like, yeah, but you're a movie star so you do have to put up with it. So shut the fuck up and make a movie about something else. That's what I kind of came away with. And you're dead on with that. I would never want to fall in that trap. It's also not how I was raised.

My father and my mother were very disappointed if I was ever condescending to people like that. Both were raised the same way probably. Really? I thought your father was a redneck. No, but very strict and shit. I was scared of my father.

Scared to death. Well, I would not say. I mean, scared in a sense of like, he was no nonsense thing where nowadays there's no discipline. Shit. I was the proper amount scared of my father. I was scared to tell him I was going to be a comedian. What? I was scared to tell him I was going to be a comedian. Oh, really? They just didn't understand. I was not scared. I was embarrassed. That's why I never told him until I was one.

Well, okay, very similar. Yeah. Very, very similar. I wasn't embarrassed, but I was, yeah. I was easily embarrassed as a kid, and especially about that subject of...

you know, what are you going to do with your life? And it just seemed so presumptuous. I don't, we did not have the kind of self-esteem that kids came to obtain later in our history. And the idea that I would tell people, I'm going to be a comedian.

I just thought it would set me up for ridicule. Oh, yeah, sure you are. And I even heard them saying that. I remember at the Christmas party the first year when I had, I mean, I had to tell them at some point because I was actually living in New York, hanging out at the clubs. So I just kind of mumbled it, you know, yeah, I'm hanging out at the club, I'm going to be a comedian. And God bless them. They didn't like push it or, you know, they just were like,

Okay, we're not gonna embarrass him by like oh you're getting on or what's it like or how do you what's the ETA? And you're being a star. They just let it happen and let me just shut up about it. And Yeah, but I was embarrassed I mean I was and then I was embarrassed the whole first few years when I was a failure when you know I was failing

Because you have to fail before you succeed. And it's embarrassing being a loser with nothing going on in your life. Sure. It's very. See, I never, I was always killing it. I never failed. Come on. Did you? No. No, I ate shit so many times. You know, there was one time in New York City, speaking of the club scene, I went to New York when I was living in Charlotte and starting out.

And I have yet. Oh, you're in Charlotte. Why'd you move to Charlotte? I know, right? Because there was a guy that owned these clubs that ran. So I said, you come here. You can work for a year and booked for a year. So I said, OK. I met a girl and got a condo. Yeah, man. And yeah, I stayed in Charlotte. Yeah, I was. Got a first credit card, first everything. Yeah. Yeah.

But the guy, and I hope he's watching your show, because you probably know him. I went on Catch a Rising Star in New York City. It was snowing. Took a cab with all my stupid props. This is literally, I was 20 years old, and I'm snowing outside, going to the club. It was like, nobody in there. They bring me up. Never played a real club in New York City. And it was the worst ever in my life. I remember just like, I was just like,

I remember my first line was, I have more props than people because it was like four people and I had like 20 props and two were good, you know? And I get done and it was just, it wasn't even a beginning or an ending. It was just horrible. And I get done and I even, I had to pick up all my shit and put it back in the thing. And Dennis Leary walks on and I've never been able to tell him

to this day he was the sweetest guy in the world to me he says that was brilliant i was like i thought he was mocking me he said that was brilliant and i said

thank you, you know, what part of it was, he said, dude, like, did you write all this? And it was like, it was weird jokes, like a paper cut. He was the MC? No, he came up to close the show. I, yeah, he closed it and killed it. So he was playing to four people at that time? Yes. No, he, yes, but only because it was like, yeah, it wasn't his night. What year is this? Oh, God, 80-something, 90, maybe 1990. It wasn't his night.

He just showed up to do a set. I'm not, yeah. I mean, I'm not sure. I guess, I think it closed in 93. Okay, so it was before then. I was there. I was the emcee there. That was my place. Okay, Catch a Rising Star. Started there in 79 to 82. That was my. It was that close. Every day. That was my life, Catch a Rising Star. The owner, Rick Newman. Yes, I know Rick. And Belzer, who was my mentor there. They died one day apart in February.

One day. That was fucking nice. It's me too. Love. He was so nice to me.

What happened with the... There's only a handful of comics that have ever been nice to me, by the way. Literally. And I say handful, literally. Like, big names? None. No, no. No, big names, none. They're all been nice to me. So what happened with the... He just came out and he said it was brilliant. I remember, like, wanting to not just kill myself, but, like, get, you know, I'm not in comedy. This is... I'm not in comedy. This is... Like, literally, like, this woke me up. Like, I needed to fucking go back to Florida and...

Whatever. And he said, that was what I did was brilliant. I remember him saying my, it was a good joke. At one point, George Carlin said it was a good joke. It was a paper cup and string prop that I had. You know, the phone with the paper cups and string. I said, they never made a new version. They should have one for like today's kids. And this is again, the 90s.

So I said, "Hey, what's going on?" Not much. And I ended up saying to somebody, "What's going on?" "Hey, you sound so close." And we talked, and I had a third cup for call waiting that came out of it. And George Carlin was like, "That's a fucking great joke." - It is. - Right, it is. And it is clever. - It's what you're-- - And it's clever. - It varies. - And then I had three cups. It was conference calling, and then I had a clear cup for call waiting. You're on the phone, I see it's you. So anyway. - You are-- - But Dennis Lurie said, "That is brilliant." So anyway, he saved me from killing myself and not getting out of comedy.

that night. Now, in an alternative universe, much the way Jerry Lewis was considered a genius in France and is kind of a genius, Jerry Lewis. I knew him real well. Really? I visit him in his hospital room.

No, why? Because he was in Vegas and you were in Vegas? They invited him. Where would you see him? In his hospital room. They invited him. No, but where would you see him before he was in this hospital? At the telethons. You did his telethon from Vegas? Thousands of times. Thousands of times? Not thousands. 30 times. Really? 30 years of the telethon? No, yeah, well, let me see exactly the right year. 20. Because I was there 28, I've been there 28 years. So I did at least 20 of them.

And Ed McMahon was my buddy too, and he'd bring me up in that. But when Jerry, they invited me to go, they asked me if I would go see him at the hospital. And I said, of course I would. How would I not pass up an opportunity? But it's just me and him like in this couch. And I walked in and he would sit in his hospital. And the weird thing about Jerry Lewis is when you meet him, you know, visit him in his hospital room with all the nurses and like a normal hospital visit day,

He was nonstop schtick like dude like the nurse companies He would do the same probably the same joke killed every time and then he start then he would have his yes He turn around and go no and his teeth in no one was ever more dedicated right entertaining me Secondary Louis is not my story. It's my friend Hiram cast and can we have him tell it I know it Probably tell it better

But he told me this years ago, and I don't doubt one word of it. He said he's getting on a plane, first class, and Jerry Lewis is on the plane. And he's like right across him, like first row. But he's on this side of the plane, Jerry's on the other side of the plane, but there's nobody in between them.

So Jerry's there. So he goes before the plane takes off. Hiram goes over and says hello and, you know, kisses the ring and Jerry's cool. Does his joke that he always did. I'd like you to show you my pride and joy. Oh, he pulls out the fucking wall with the picture of pride and joy. Bathroom products. Why this genius thought that was worth reading a billion times. I have no idea. You put that one away. Okay, but he's very nice.

Hiram goes back to his seat, and Hiram says, I'm thinking, you know, I really want to look over. The plane takes off. I mean, it's Jerry Lewis. I just want to stare at him, but I'm going to be cool, and I'm just not going to be that guy. So he's looking. He's reading his book. He says he waits like a half hour before he looks over. And when he does, Jerry is looking at him with the headphone twisted around in front of his face. That's brilliant. Absolutely.

And waited all that time. All that time. That's the best part. As big a star as he is. Right. For the guy to turn around. Yeah, yeah. That is a maniacal hunger for a laugh. Yes, that's Jerry Lewis. We would do that. How many times have you done that? How many times have you waited for a bit? Never. Really? Waste a half hour.

getting a laugh from nobody on a plane? I wouldn't even be on a plane. No, you're right. That's how we're different. One time we had an opening act go up in the thing and I said, when he comes off, we have the feed on so we could hear him. He says, we're all going to be in my room, in my bar like this, sleeping. And so we're like waiting, waiting, and we're waiting. And then he's like, okay, good night. We're like waiting. And then he went somewhere else. We're like, God damn it. We're all waiting for like 10 minutes. You know what? For this stupid fucking

punchline i saw almost the same thing you remember jeff altman absolutely absolutely open for him funny really a butt stack such a funny guy great funny funny guy so he hated me we were really why because i just i don't know i i did good and he we okay we made up i get it we made up i know this i love i know the syndrome saint of all i know the syndrome

But, and we were not close, but for some reason I remember. He's still around. Yeah, I think so. Probably the 90s. But for whatever reason, we were together that night and we were walking with two girls. I remember that. I don't know if we knew them before. This is so long ago. On Sunset Boulevard. Like we're walking a long way, like from one, like the kind of, I always say, if I write a memoir, it's going to be called Who Was In My Body?

The things I did, and it must have been me, but it really wasn't. But it was my body. And we're walking and walking and walking. And Jeff Altman, out of the blue, like without explanation, just starts tearing down the street at 100 miles an hour, as fast as he could run, until we couldn't see him anymore. I mean, that was funny in itself. Right, and that alone, I bet you really do. That's funny in itself, right? Yeah.

And we, like, literally out of sight, he ran so far. We've already paved the tab, Jeff. And we're walking and we're walking and we're walking and we're laughing about it and probably got onto another subject because it had been so long. And then we look at one point to the left. And he's waiting for a gag where he's got the. He's, like, he's passed out in the doorway of some place on the steps. Right. So he's waiting for the, he did all that for that.

That's funny, though. God bless you. I mean, again. I know why. But you're talking about it, so it was funny. Not only can I not compete, I don't want to. I want to compete, but that is pretty funny. I like that he did that. I do, too. That's funny. He ran so long. So, I mean, just waited. Walked up, and he's like. Passed out. He could have been. Somebody could have seen him. Literally, probably, yeah. Really actually fucked with him, but he's waiting for the joke. I mean.

That's funny. It is a dedication to the laugh. Yeah, Jerry Lewis did that forever. Yes. You got to give it up for that. He came to my show, and I don't know. Jerry did. Yeah, and right before he died. I bet he loved it. Again, this is strange because as many times as you know, you and I talk about, you just talked earlier about, you know, we're not going to come see you, whatever. We're working. Yeah. So I always see him, and he always says, I'm coming to your show, kid.

So I said, no, yeah, yeah, fuck yeah. No, tomorrow. So I saw him at a movie premiere he did, his last movie he did. And so I said, he said, I'm coming tomorrow. So I said, okay. So I said, my friend, I think Jerry Lewis is coming tomorrow. And sure as shit, he fucking not only showed up, he came back. He's in a wheelchair.

And they sat him down in my little backstage bar like this. And he sat down and he said, it couldn't have been fucking cooler. He's like, you know, all the years of the telethon. I said, do you remember the one? He doesn't remember this. So as a comic, when I did the telethon one year, he's out there and he's kind of cranky. And there's a video comes in. They give this guy this note. And he says, he reads it. And he says, oh, fuck. Ed McMahon is standing next to me.

He walks out and Jerry says, before we continue, this kid passed away today. And they showed him, there's a picture of the kid. And it just happened. They put the footage up, you know how fast it happened, tell it. Put the picture of the kid up. And he tells the story. Now Jerry Luce is crying, like fully crying, legitimately crying. And then shows videos of him with him last week and then whatever the fuck.

So I'm like, now what am I doing? So Ed McMahon's standing there with my microphone. He says, am I going up now? He said, maybe. And I said, he's not going to do that to me. What are you? He says, well, you might. It's dead silent in the studio. And he says, so we're going to miss you, Timmy. I was crying. He's probably my life, my God. And he says, now, if anyone here can cheer anybody up,

Carrot Top. And I swear my fucking life, he hands me the micro and I walk out. Doesn't get any worse. And it's horrible for the first two minutes. And then I do okay. I never did great. Right. And I walk off and I'm more distraught than anybody. And he says, and Jerry Lewis comes over to me after I'd been done and he said, I'm sorry I did that to you, but.

You're the only one that I could count on. Wow, that's great. But it was horrible. And I told him that backstage the night he came. And he said, I did that? And I said, yeah. And he says, well, did it make you stronger? I said, yeah, it did. I mean, it really did. Yeah. So then he says, all right, what time does your show start? And I said, 10 minutes. And he says, 10 minutes? Jesus Christ.

I'll be throwing up in 10 minutes. Don't you read? I said, I don't know by now. Fuck. Right. I'm going to let you go. You want to do the picture thing? And I said, I didn't want to ask you. I said, that'd be great. And he says, let's do the picture thing. So we do the picture. It's a great picture of him and I. I still have it framed backstage. And so we help him get up. And I see my opening act and my assistant standing there. And he says, is it OK if I get one to my opening act?

And he's standing there in his wheelchair, trying to get his wheelchair. He says, what's that? He's like, is it just cool one more? And Jerry Lewis stops. He says, if it's the last fucking picture I ever take, yes. And it's like, but he did take the picture, but isn't that great? I mean, imagine how many people would stop him for a picture, though. When Jerry was riding high, I mean, there was...

Very few careers like that. And, I mean, his ego was out of control. But I kind of get why. He was kind of the king. And he also was, I mean, when you see, I mean, the greatest nutty professor is his peak, right? Yeah. 1963. Absolutely. Eddie Murphy remade it. Absolutely. Did very well with it. Absolutely. But to me, I mean, because, I mean, it was truly Jerry. I mean, he was this.

Like Buddy Love, when he takes the formula and he turns into Buddy Love. And, you know, he's got the slick back hair. Yeah, no, he's handsome and he's... And the way he picks up Stella Stevens. Slide over, honey. Yeah, that was real. Mr. Love, you're rude. I could give you a line of bullshit, couldn't I, kid? But I know that that would insult you and stop us from having another fine moment. You know, and he gives her this spiel and...

He was Buddy Love because he really was that as Jerry Lewis, a very attractive, giant producer. And he also was the Nutty... And he was... Yeah, he had the whole thing. He was brilliant. At that moment, it worked, you know.

And he, you know, like all those guys, they took advantage of Vegas. I mean, I don't know if you were, it doesn't seem to me like you're really taking advantage. But I guess that, like you say, that doesn't exist anymore. And you don't gamble, right? No. You don't gamble? Nope, never once. That's good. Yeah, if you live in Vegas, that's probably good. Yes, that's what I was saying. Probably not good. But people ask me all the time, every day, every day, every time a thing comes up, they say, you know,

Where's the new Rat Pack? And I said, it's a different generation. I still know Wayne Newton. I know these people. I know David Copfield. But we're not going to hang out and have sushi together or something. We're not going to meet every night of your show and have drinks and then go do their show. And they're going to come do my show. No. Ron White was the last guy that came to my show and came on stage and

That was great. He said, hey. And I said, Ron White. You know Ron. He's fucking brilliant. So Ron comes up and I just said, and my crowd went fucking batshit crazy because it's Ron White. And he told a joke.

And the crowd went nuts. And even he said something at the end, like, the new Rat Pack. And I remember thinking, you know, it's not, though. But it's not, though. But you know what I mean? But it was a fun moment. And now we're too old to start a Rat Pack. Fuck, yeah. No, shit. No. I mean, we could be a Rat Pack.

No, I'm 67. Oh, fuck, okay. Yeah, I mean, we could do a Rat Pack. We should be napping right now. We could do a Rat Pack, but we're going to do it like once a week. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every month. Yeah, exactly. But let's do it. At like noon. Let's do it. At noon. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, thank you. This was as fun as I knew it would be. Yeah. How much did it exceed your expectation on a scale of 9 to 10? More than I thought. It's very catty. Exactly. Exactly.