BILL MAHER TALKS TO KIDS!
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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX.

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Hey, kids. Hello. Hi. How are you doing? Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm Kai. I'm Kai. And you're? I'm Beverly. Beverly, of course. Now, obviously, there's been a booking mix-up because you're not even close to the same age. Yeah. So, you know, what can I say? It's hard to get good help. But,

How old are you? Eight. Eight? Yes. Wow. You look older than eight, but plainly you're not eight. No, I'm 16. 16. My mother's the same age as him. You're what? My brother. Ah, maybe that's the mix-up.

Maybe it was supposed to be your brother. Are there anybody between you and your brother at 16 and 8? My cat, she's 14 or 15. That does not really count. No, because I have a sister. She's the oldest of my sibling. How old is she? She's 19.

So 1916 and I always was curious about families like that where the kids are like very far apart. They just did. It was like, honey, there's that thing we used to do. What was it? It was in bed. And then they but it's always good to be like the baby of the family because you have a little cousin. He's four. Yeah. But that's a cousin. Yeah. And like literally every time he comes over, sometimes he thinks of random ideas. Literally, he was hiding under my grandma's bed.

So he was hiding under the bed? Yes. Yeah, that's not that interesting, right? No. No. Right. I mean, come on. He was under the bed while I was watching TV up on top of him. Yeah. So what do you do for danger?

For danger? Yeah. For kicks. For kicks? Like what? Well, I don't know. You tell me. You're the kid. I'm asking questions. That's what I want to know. Like when I was your age, what I did for kicks was, what's that? The phone? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure. She was talking about Roblox. Yeah, I was going to ask you if you should download it. No, you shouldn't even have a phone. I got one when I was three. Three? That was my reaction in my head because I couldn't say that out loud. Three? That's just so wrong. I mean, three. And what do you do on your phone? I play Roblox, Minecraft, and I have my own YouTube channel. And I also have an Instagram account and a TikTok account.

At this age. At eight years old. At this age. That was my line. You're reading my lines. I don't even know where you're going with that.

Right, at this age. Don't you think so? I mean, this guy's 16, and you put him in the position of being like kids today. I got to tell you, they're just crazy. I mean, right? Yeah. Isn't it crazy to have a phone at three? I don't think I had a phone at eight. I think I got my first phone in fourth grade, and it was like,

A really old Samsung Android. Right. When I was like only three, I was born in 2015, so it was like in 2019 when I joined Roblox. And I started reading stuff immediately when I started playing Roblox and started typing. Wait, you joined what? Roblox. Roblox? Spell it. My phone's dead right now, but I can't. Spell it. Spell Roblox.

B-L-O-X. What is it? It's like a game where you can have many games inside of it that you can play together. Oh, like the Matrix? No. Oh. I never saw that either. And then there's this other game that's also educational, Minecraft, where you can learn to survive on your own. Have you thought about Game of Thrones? I hear people love it.

and it's have you watched game of thrones yeah no wow even game of thrones is too like old school for like kids i watched clue in real life though hey hey no don't you know what you'll put an eye out we're very safety conscious here at this house i don't really watch look both ways before you do anything i don't really want if you see a dog tell a policeman

Why? Your dogs are missing? No, I'm just saying we're very safety conscious in this house. Don't ever look directly at a cloud. I just want kids to be safe. You, let's talk about you because you, I can't even understand your life. Maybe I could kind of understand his life a little bit.

You don't watch TV either? I mean, I watch maybe a couple episodes of something my mom is watching. Like what? What does your mom watch? She was watching Suits a while ago. Yeah, because Macon Markle's on it.

That's great. I love it. I mean, I actually used to watch TV a lot with her. You know what Blue Bloods is? Yeah, of course. Tom Selleck. Do I know what Blue Bloods is? I mean, I would never watch it. Like, I wouldn't watch any detective work on CBS. But, I mean, that's for people even older than me. Can you believe that? Yeah. What the? Yeah.

Okay, so what are you going to do when you grow up? I'm going to become a baker, still be an actress, and I might steal Ashley's job, and then, yeah. Steal Ashley's job? My Ashley? Yeah. Oh, yeah, she does the media here for this company. She puts out the clips and stuff. That is a great job to get into, and you seem to be very savvy since you had a phone in the womb before.

You laugh, but that's next. They're just going to implant a phone in there so the kid, when they're born, they're just like with the phone. When I was inside my mom's womb, I was always making cheese and milk, and now I'm sensitive to milk. Wait a second. Still drink it. When I was in my mother's womb, I made her. I made her like, I was like, I'm hungry.

Okay. I was kicking on her. It's not all about you. Okay? I think before you're born, let other people talk. Okay? That's what I think about being born. You got to wait until you're born before you get a vote.

Right. What is your birthday? October 20th, 2015. Wow. I'm January 20th. Nice. Nice. My cousin's is January 1st. So we're on the cusp.

You know that? That's the cusp. I mean, astrology. Astrology is nonsense, kids. But like for people who believe in it, that's very important when you're on the cusp because it means you're right between two signs. Yeah. Have you ever talked to anybody about astrology? No. Do you know Tom Cruise personally?

Tom Cruise? No, I'm kidding. I heard of him. Do you know Tom Cruise personally? I have not. No, I met him, but I don't know him personally. Is he a cool guy? Well, I mean, that's an interesting question, Kai. Is he a cool guy? I think he's a...

super talented guy. I mean, there's very few people who have consistently over the decades, not that I have to tell you, made more entertaining movies. I mean, from the beginning. I mean, he became a star in the early 80s. There's grass in my shoe. There's what? There's grass in my shoe right here. Oh. Well, why don't you give that to me? I like grass. I was going to eat it. Anyway...

That's like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. They do some jokes just for the adults. Tom Cruise, but he is a Scientologist.

No, you know, I don't know if you know about, do you know about Scientology? Scientology, no. I'm only going to be in like third grades yet, so. Well, trust me, that's the level of the Scientologist. No, I kid the Scientologist. It's a religion, a modern religion that came along just in the last century, so they really knew better. But they believe some interesting things, like the world is 12 trillion years old, which is

Impossible. Well, it's kind of not impossible because when cavemen are alive and they're fighting with bones because they always would try to get meat from stuff.

Yes, that's not wrong. Early man was carnivorous and present man is carnivorous. Do you eat meat? Yeah. I eat bacon, pork, especially the ribs. Definitely the ribs. I love ribs. And then I also love steak.

Okay. Well, I'm not going to shame you for that. I mean, I'm not a vegetarian. What about you, Kai? You eat meat? Of course, yeah. Well, not of course. There's a lot of people who don't. I don't know. I just... Well, I mean... Especially when there's types of dinosaurs that are not carnivore. So they eat, like, grass and plants.

Because I did study on a dinosaur that eats plants. Yes. And I made a pyramid of it with its world, and I have it and its child. That's awesome. You're right. Dinosaurs were not mostly carnivorous. Dinosaurs were plant eaters.

But they ate a lot of plants. Yeah, herbivores. Herbivores, yes. Very good. Wow, look at that. Eight years old, herbivore. And because my second grade teacher, she is definitely a plant lover. She made the garden inside of our school. And she also let us eat artichoke. She let us have artichoke. She got it from her garden, cooked it, and brought it to us the next day.

And is that a hobby of yours, studying dinosaurs? Are you fascinated by dinosaurs? Have you seen Jurassic Park? Yeah, I've seen, like, a Jurassic, I played the Jurassic Park game, too, before. I also, like, I forgot, and I also like Stegosaurus. Who doesn't? Yeah. And, like, I forgot the dinosaur of my name, but it was actually a dinosaur with, like, a kind of a mermaid tail, kind of. My accountant's name was Herb Ivor.

I'm kidding. I kid the Jews. Okay, so what do you want to do when you become of age? Because it's coming up soon for you. Yeah, I'm not 100% sure, but I mean, when I was younger, I dreamed to become a professional soccer player. But I mean, I don't know how realistic that really is.

Yeah, I think when it comes to athletics, you have to have a backup plan. Yeah, yeah. Other things you can say, look, I mean, I wanted to be a comedian when I was your age. I knew it. I love that. My dog does that. What? You, a comedian? And I really never had a backup plan. It was like this or bust. But it's a little different with athletics because, first of all, athletics...

If you're not doing it early, it's not going to happen. I mean. I started acting when I was like one. Oh, so you are an actress. Oh, I didn't know that. So what have we seen you in?

So, um, you, three episodes. Wait, what three episodes? Of you. You, what's you? It's like a show of like kind of murder, kind of. Murder? And then, um, a Target commercial, a Home Depot commercial. Hmm. Um, what's... What were you playing in these ads? What were you playing? Oh, I was playing as like... Child? Child, yes. Playing a child, okay. I didn't get to do my singing part in the Target commercial. I'm really sad about that. How did you prepare to play a child?

Literally, I had, so like, for the fitting of like the Home Depot one, I had to like try on different outfits, of course. And they picked the outfit that looked cute, actually. And I got to keep the clothes afterwards. Oh, no, that was for the Target commercial.

Or was it both? Let me give you a little hint, honey. Always keep the clothes. Let them get them from you. Yeah, yeah. And then literally... You just wear them all. And then for the Target commercial, I lied, but they didn't put it inside of the commercial, so I was sad about that. I was only in there for 1.5 seconds, basically. Skipping all the way across. I understand what you really want to do is direct.

I want to make my own show with me and my friend, though, called Dandy's World, because it's a game on Roblox. She actually does want to direct. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Well, you're very precocious. Do you know what that word means? No. Precocious? Well, you should memorize that one. Precocious. Precocious. Precocious. Precocious. Precocious. Precocious. Precocious. Exactly. I have a lisp. No, no. You're saying it right. Oh. I was just messing with you.

It means very grown up for your age. Yeah, my mom says I kind of look like, sound like a 10-year-old. Now, I never had kids. You don't think that makes me weird like J.D. Vance, do you? No, no. No, thank you, kids. Many people did not have kids and had to adopt, especially to show that me and my mom must not try. Okay, well, just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you have to adopt. Yeah, you don't have to adopt. You don't have to be around them at all, right? Yeah. Yeah.

I heard that you didn't like kids or something. That is a rumor started by a child I knocked into the gutter with the door of my limousine. It is not true at all. Why did you knock into the gutter? No, I mean, some of us don't want to have kids around all the time, but do I, here with you, look like someone who doesn't like kids? Of course not. I like old people. I like...

I like all people in limited time amounts. So, okay, so if soccer doesn't work out, what's plan B? Something like physical therapy. Trainer? Yeah. Something like that? Maybe a trainer, yeah. I mean, to be honest, I just want to make money when I grow up. Well, it's important about what you make money at because otherwise you're not going to be happy. I might do something in, like, the medicine field. Okay.

My mom was saying maybe I should try to become a doctor, but I don't know. It doesn't seem interesting. Well, then you shouldn't. I know. And it takes an amazing amount of dedication. Not only medical school, which is a killer, but as soon as you get out of medical school,

They put you in a hospital where you work like 80-hour weeks. They work you until you can't even see what's going on. That kind of also reminds me of a show that I was in, Grey's Anatomy. And what were you playing? I was playing an audience. It was like a play, and I was like a child. You were playing a child? I think you're being typecast.

I think you're being typecast, and you should talk to your agent about it. What? You don't want to get caught in that trap. You were always a child. Oh, I'm always young. I didn't have an agent when I was in Grayson Adamy, but I had a manager who was my manager and agent, and now I have an agent and a manager still. You have an agent and a manager. Yes.

Yeah, how much do they take? Like, do you know that? Like, is it 10%? Is it 15%? Colonel Parker used to get 25. Is that crazy or what? Kids, Colonel Parker, nothing? No. Also, I kind of also want to be an artist. You didn't watch the Elvis movie?

No. You didn't watch it? So that didn't interest you, even with Austin Butler? I mean, I've been trying to watch popular movies, but I don't like going to theaters that much. Yeah, but it's been on. I know, but we had an HBO Max subscription, but then my mom just canceled it. Wow. Wow.

I used to have Paramount subscription and my mom canceled it. Although I guess I could. I had a Paramount subscription and my mom canceled it. Mom, if you're watching this, please add it again. I need to watch the regular Victoria. That's the same way I was at 10. I always knew where the camera was.

And then there's one right there. Oh, Jesus Christ. Whatever. Okay, I can't remember. So the life of Elvis doesn't interest you at all? No, not really. You know he was like a bad MF, right? Elvis? Yeah, Elvis Presley. Yeah, I've heard of him. You've heard of him? Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

Do you have a little sister? No. I have no siblings. You have no siblings. You're an only child. Yeah. What's that like? I mean, I've heard from everyone that has siblings that it's the best thing that, you know. That you don't? Yeah, that I don't have siblings. Sometimes they can be mean. You have siblings? Yes. And you don't like them? No, I do like them, but sometimes they can be mean and, like, yell at me.

And what about your parents? You like them? Yeah, I like my parents. You like your parents? Yeah, I love my parents. Look at that. Well-adjusted kids with parents that they like.

I don't know how we found those. Oh, yeah. I also told Ashley, you're Ashley, to buy you a plaid shirt and jean jacket. Say this again? I also told Ashley, you're Ashley, to buy a jean jacket and a plaid shirt for you. Why? Because she asked me out there what your style should be. So I told her that. And she said that she'll probably buy it. A jean jacket and what am I, jelly roll? I don't want a jean jacket and a plaid shirt. I'm not a cracker. I'm not a farmer. I'm not a farmer.

A plaid shirt and a jean jacket. What is this, 1982? No, is that what's in now? Is that why you're saying I should wear this?

And you just think it fits me. Yeah, I just think it fits you. So what is that in your knee? It's like ripped jeans, but this has like rips on the side kind of. So these jeans, they come like that in the store? Yeah, kind of. So you paid for... Ripped jeans. Yes. So why is it cooler to have jeans that look

like you're a blind hobo who got dressed at the Goodwill store than it is to have actual nice clothes like I have. Nice clothes. Nice clothing that I have. Nice clothing. Why is yours... It's a style now. It's a style. Of now? Like I'm old? No. It's like literally my brother, he has old pair of jeans when he was like 12 and they fit me actually but sometimes they're a little long. I have these one jeans and

that are like actually big rips that I think it was his or it was my sister's, but they actually fit me pretty nice and I like to wear them to school.

So did you wear the same kind of clothes when you started out life as a boy? I assume you're both transitioned. I assume you were a boy as a child and you were a girl. What? No. What? No. Well, I thought everybody these days was transitioning. No, no. No, you actually was born? Yeah, I was. And you were born a girl? Yeah. Oh, okay. All right, fine. Whatever kink, whatever you're into, whatever weird stuff you're into is fine with me. Nothing weird about it. Okay.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Good job. Okay. Well, I thank you kids for coming over. I think you've... By the way, can you sign these both? Yes, I can sign the phone? Yeah. Sign right on the phone? Yeah. And also, can you put your phone number in here? No, we can't. It's a little inappropriate, Mrs. Robinson. So hard to get good help these days, kids. So hard to get good help.

Anyway, Paige and Amelia, how old are you? We're both 10. You're both 10? Yeah. Well, see, already I was told 8 and 10. Like, I'm telling you, it's really hard to get good help. But I'm very glad you're here on, what is the name of this show? Club Random. Oh, Club Random is the real name, right. But this is like a special edition, like Bill Talks to Kids.

Not that you're really kids. You seem very mature. But just technically by the age, people, they like to judge by age. I guess you're kids, but you seem very mature to me. But we're very happy to have you here because we're trying to sort of iron out the demographic problem that we have. I mean, the last two guests we had were Shatner and Norman Lear. So we want to get some young people here.

You remember Norman Lear? No, that was before your time. Do you still watch TV? Is TV still a thing? Kind of. Yeah. Well, like for most kids our age, it's not that relevant. It's more like YouTube and TikTok. Right. But can't you watch YouTube on TV? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So in a way, it's just like a different TV channel. Yeah. I'm trying to make myself feel better because I'm in TV and it is a dying medium. Yeah.

But I know that. It's okay. There are still plenty of people who watch TV. Is there any shows that you watch that are still on the networks? I don't know what show. I mean, I don't watch a lot of shows, but nothing? I like watching Modern Family. Modern Family! Yeah, and Saturday Night Live. Okay, there you go.

I like a lot of drama shows, because they always have a twist at the end. OK. Now we're watching TV. OK. What do we have to front about TV for? We still like TV. Yeah. What drama shows do you like? "Great Anatomy"? I like K-dramas, because I'm Korean. OK. K-dramas? Yeah. I didn't know there was such a thing. What channel is that on? There's a lot of things on Viki. That's like "Rafatune Riki" or something like that. It's like the heart of Asian entertainment.

Say this again. What is it called? It's Rakuten Viki. A lot of people call it Viki. It's where like... Is this like a channel right on the channel guide or is this a streaming service? Yeah, it's like a streaming app thing. Okay. So, and this is specifically for the Korean market? This is for like Japanese and Chinese shows on there too. Oh, I see. So, Pan-Asian. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, and do they speak English on this channel? They have subtitles, but they speak in different languages. So the Japanese ones would be in Japanese, the Korean ones would be in Korean with subtitles? Yeah, and then they would have English subtitles on the bottom. But you were able to watch it without the subtitles? You speak Korean? No, but I can read Korean, but I kind of don't know what they're saying. I see. So you only speak English at home? Yeah.

But maybe we try to speak different languages at home. But why do you only want to watch the Korean channel? I mean, you know, they used to call America a melting pot. Like everyone would come and we'd be in one big pot and we'd melt together. That's sort of like a good idea, don't you think? That we should melt together.

Okay. All right. So watch a little Grey's Anatomy. Would it kill you? You know, watch Scandal. That was a great show. Remember that one with Kerry Washington? You'd like that one. Strong Woman. Strong Woman shows, right? So you watch Saturday Night Live. Yeah. And what was the other one you said? Modern Family. Modern Family. I never really got into Modern Family, but that's... Oh, did I say something terrible? No.

I mean, Modern Family, like, I started it only, like, a couple months ago with my parents. And then I fell in love with it. Then we ended it. And I, like, am re-watching all the episodes because I'm so in love with it. Like, they have a— I mean, those are strong words, to be in love with a TV show. I mean, I used to be in love with TV shows. Don't get me wrong. There were shows I absolutely loved. McHale's Navy. I mean, come on, right? Yeah.

But as someone who actually never watched Modern Family, tell me what the setup is and who the characters are. So it's a traditional family, kind of two parents, three kids. Yuck. What? Two parents, three kids. The parents are like a man and a woman? Yeah. What? That's ridiculous. And then it's a...

Gay parents with an adoptive daughter. Okay. And then a very young wife and a very old husband with a kid. Nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Played by Sofia Vergara for the young. Oh, Sofia Vergara. She's hot, huh? So... They're laughing like crazy. I don't know who those people are. Yeah.

Okay, so a gay couple, and then no Eskimos? I don't know what that word is. Eskimo? You don't know what an Eskimo is, no? Eskimo are the indigenous people of the north, of northern Canada, Alaska. Oh. You know, they live in a— You mean a foreigner? What? A foreigner? Florida, no, the opposite of— No, foreigner. Foreigner. Wait, Eskimo's the one that built the igloos?

Igloos, correct. Oh. That's right, igloos. No. Yes. And you know who the first people were in Alaska? They were Asian. That's why they still look Asian, the indigenous people there. They came over from Asia. They went all the way through Russia, and there's a part called the Bering Strait where it's just a very narrow waterway that separates Asia from where North America starts at the very northern part of Canada and Alaska.

I can see I'm losing the crowd. They're laughing. Don't you think that's kind of interesting that humans came all the way across Asia and then that's how we got into North America? Yeah. That's why Indians look Asiatic. And then they went all the way down into South America. I'm kind of

learning a little bit. Yeah. They went all the way, North America, all the way down. Of course, this took thousands of years through the Isthmus of Panama into South America, all the way down to the end of Argentina. And below that is just, you know, public parking, nothing. I mean, Antarctica, when you wouldn't want to be there, would you? Have you traveled? What about travel? Let's talk about travel. My family travels every summer to Europe. Europe. That's a great town. Yeah.

Where in Europe? So my mom is from Bulgaria. Bulgaria. I know the capital, Sofia. Yeah. Yeah. Bingo. Exactly. All right. And your mother's name is Sofia? No. But wouldn't that be something if it was?

Given the name of the capital. Okay. So you go to Bulgaria. That's interesting. You don't meet a lot of people who are from Bulgaria. Yeah. They're mostly Bulgarian. They're very rare here. Yeah. And we also go to, like, UK, France. Wow. We are going to go to it. London and Paris? Yeah, London. I love London. Sure. Yeah. London's a great town also. And have you traveled?

Yeah, two summers ago we went to Korea for six weeks, I think. Six weeks. And we got to explore all the other parts of town. We got to drive the subway, and we got to eat live octopus. It was super fun. Live octopus? No, it was kind of dead because we chopped it into pieces. What kind of music do they play in Korea? Soul? You know, like K-pop? You get it? Soul music? Because, again, the capital. Soul.

Well, do they like K-pop? K-pop, I know. I mean, I don't know, but I know that it's huge. I know K-pop is big. I even know like... It's big here too. People like it. Oh, huge. Yeah. Absolutely. No, you cannot front on K-pop. I mean, I have no idea what it is, but I know it's extremely popular. And I know people who are not, you know, young or Asian who like it. It's like...

I think it's like sort of the successor to, for lack of a better term, the bubblegum music. You remember that from the late 60s, right? The bubblegum music. Okay. All right, never mind. But just like kind of fun, right? Pop.

Not too serious. You know, not that Billie Eilish, everything's sad kind of music. She's not sad anymore, really. Not exactly what I was going to say. She's number two in the world. She's not sad anymore. She's what? She's number two in the world. Two in what? I think she's number two. Two in what? Like the number two singer in the world. Who's number one? Probably Taylor Swift. No. Taylor Swift's number three. She's really popular now. The Weeknd's actually number one. Really? Yeah, Taylor Swift is number three, actually. In what? In terms of what? Sales? No, I think popularity. Well,

Well, but how do you measure popularity? You have to do it by some... Spotify monthly streamers, I don't know. Spotify monthly streamers. Well, at least that's a metric, am I right? Yeah. At least we can, you know, it has to be something objective. That's interesting. So you think The Weeknd is number one and Spotify down... No, I saw it on the internet or something. Right. Or someone told me. Well...

See, that's the problem. Someone told you. That's what Trump says. A lot of people are saying the weekend is number one, but it doesn't make it true just because somebody says people are saying. And also there's a bunch of different lists on the Internet that say completely different stuff. I'm sure there is. Yeah. Exactly. Well, what sites do you go on on the Internet? I go on Wikipedia. Wikipedia? Yeah. That's interesting. I just look up random stuff and then just...

So like one thing like leads you to go to something else? Yeah. Yeah. During COVID, that's when I started just searching a bunch of random stuff on Wikipedia. I mean, it's one way to get educated. It's a little, you know, scattershot. But I mean, I've done it myself. You know, sometimes you don't realize how long you can just be going from one thing to the other. It's called going down a rabbit hole. Have you ever heard that term, going down a rabbit hole? Yeah.

I don't think I have. No? Well, now you have. And you know what? Once you hear something and it's in your brain, you'll hear it again. You probably heard it before. It just didn't register. Now you'll know it. You'll hear it all the time. You're like, oh, I'm going down a rabbit hole again. Okay, so you're on the Internet. Your Wikipedia goes from one site to the next. What if it leads you to some place where you don't think you should probably be?

Because I hear from parents, not that I'm one, but I hear they're very worried about what their kids are seeing on the Internet.

I don't think I go on bad websites or anything. But you could, right? Yeah, if it takes me to one, I just exit it because there's nothing better. Well, I mean, say you're interested in, like, climate change. So you start looking on that. That's a big issue. I mean, your kids are worried about it for a good reason. Okay, climate. It leads you to weather. Then you're looking up stuff about the weather. Then it leads you to Stormy Daniels. All right, now you're into porn.

Now you're into a porn site. What do you do? I exit it. There you go. You hear that, Paige? Yeah. If that happens to you, you're going to do the same thing? Yeah, I would go where all the tabs are open and I would just close it like a bunch of times.

Right? Sometimes it might still show up, so I keep doing it until the tab closes. Yeah. I think when you're 10, you've got to erase your browser history, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. You don't want that coming back to haunt you, because at some point you're going to be out looking for a job, right? Yeah. Do you know what kind of job you'll be looking for when you get older? I want to be an attorney. An attorney? Yeah. Really? You want to be a lawyer? Yeah. Well, I mean, we need lawyers.

Actually, the fact that there are so many lawyers is a good thing for society, even though lawyers are very annoying. That's what my mom said. Because the best societies have learned to settle their disputes through legal means. In other words, if you don't have lawyers, people settle their disputes through killing each other. Or opinions, basically.

Well, everyone should have opinion. I know, but they base everything they do based off their opinion. Because if they killed a man, they'll be like, well, I think that it was right that I killed him. Right, right. So it's better, I mean, look.

decisions are also people's opinions. I mean, it's literally called the opinion of the court. But it's an opinion that is at least supposedly based on something real, which is the laws that have been written. So it's not perfect. Nothing with humans ever is. But it's better than the alternative. So what kind of law do you want to practice? Uh,

I really like family law because it's drama, and I get to get dramatic stuff. I get work and entertainment, so it's a two-in-one bundle. Well, I mean, you say entertainment, but a lot of the times the family matters are actually kind of sad, aren't they? Yeah, they are. Very sad, yeah.

Yeah. It could be entertaining. Yeah, sad for them, not you. Yeah, sad for them. No, you're billing by the hour. Yeah. You're golden. Yeah. What about you, Paige? What do you want to do? When I go, I think I want to be an actor. Oh, okay. Because I'm on a podcast already. What's that? I mean, I'm on your podcast already. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. I mean, you're well on your way. A lot of people have done this podcast, and the next thing, Academy Award nomination. So...

Have you ever thought of starting as a child actor? Yeah. I think I have. You have, uh-huh. Yeah, I've been auditioning for... Oh, so you've already started auditioning? Yeah. Wow. And what have you auditioned for? Anything we might have seen?

It's just like basically commercials and movies. Oh, commercials. Well, commercials. Hey, commercials is a great place to start. Commercials and soaps. Get on a soap. That's what you should do. You want to get on a soap? They're always looking for, you know, a new character. You could have amnesia. That happens a lot on soap operas. You could forget who you were. And since you're so young, you wouldn't have to forget that much anyway. Mm-hmm.

Okay. But you think that's where you're going to go? You're going to be an actress in life? Well, that's what I want to do. Maybe my personality will change, like, in the next five years or so. Yeah, it changes a lot. Your personality will change? Well, not my personality. Maybe, like, my career. Like, maybe I want to be in blah, blah, blah when I grow up. Maybe, like, in five years it's going to be something completely different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of what they teach you kids these days is you might be completely different. Yeah.

A year or two, you might not even be a girl, huh? No. Let's always leave that door open. How you doing? Good. How about you? Noah? Yeah. Miley? Did I say that right? Yeah. Nice to meet you. Like Miley Cyrus? Yeah.

Sometimes I'm better at it than her. No, but not pronounced the same way, but not spelled the same way, right? But nothing to do with her, right? I mean, your parents, because you know, Taylor Swift was named after a musician. Did you know that? No, I did not. Really? Only my sister likes her. Yeah, me too. How old is your sister? My sister's 14. Yeah, me too. Now, James Taylor, do you know who that is?

He sounds really familiar. Did you ever have trouble sleeping? Oh, yeah. Well, try some shapes. He's a very good... I bet you would know some of the songs, Fire and Rain. I've seen Fire and I've seen Rain. Oh, no, no, I know that song. Oh, you do? I've heard of that song. Deep, isn't it? Yeah. I've only heard it in a movie, so... In a movie? What movie?

Well, shows, I don't really like specifically remember, but it's like a cinematic song. Yeah, it's cinematic. Very good. Wow. I didn't know that word. How old are you? I'm 16. Yeah, maybe I did. Probably not. Anyway, James Taylor is who they named Taylor Swift after. Oh. Yeah. I guess her parents liked her. James Taylor's a girl? No, James Taylor's a girl. No, but they took the last name.

Right. So Taylor Swift named after James Taylor. No, he's definitely not a girl. In fact, he was quite the ladies' man. He was married to another pop star named Carly Simon. And she sang, to take this full circle, she sang You're So Vain. It was like the original breakup song. Like Taylor Swift is always doing breakup songs? Well, this chick did it first. You're so vain, I bet you think this song's about you.

Boom. E-O-G. So how old are you? Now, you're 16 and you're? I'm 13. 13. And you're brother and sister? No. But you'd like to be. No. So what grade is 16? You're almost out of high school, right? I'm going into 11th grade. Wow. I start in like three weeks. And you are? Eighth grade. Eighth grade is 13. Right. Right.

You know, I gave the valedictory address to my eighth grade class. While you were the valedictorian? Yes. Wow. Yes. Nice. It's all been downhill since, but I feel like I, no, I was 14. Yeah. My father was very proud of me. I can't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was wrong. So eighth grade, right. So that's middle school. And then next year you're going to high school? Mm-hmm. Oh.

What do you think about that? Is that nerve-wracking? Um, kind of. Yeah. I was, you know, wetting in my pants when I was about to go into high school because it's different. Yeah. I was short and shy. It's a terrible combination. I'm short and shy, so... You're not that short. And girls can be short. Shy, that's also okay for a girl. It's just not good for a guy because you're supposed to be, you know, macho like this guy. Look at this guy over here, huh?

But that's the thing. You're going to be the upperclassman. Yeah, finally. I get off-campus privileges and stuff. Off-campus? Yeah, like during free periods, I don't have to be there. Oh, my God. What the hell has happened to high school? That's ridiculous. What do you mean you don't have to be there? It's high school. Of course you have to be there. Well, for like lunch. Lunch? It's called the cafeteria.

Where do you go for lunch? Well, I haven't experienced it yet, but like, I mean, my friends go to restaurants. Restaurants? Yeah. What, like Sardi's you're going to for lunch? Where do you get the money to go to a restaurant for lunch? Well, I have a job. What's your job? I'm a cashier at a pizza place. Really? Yeah, I had a job at 16. I was the delivery boy for the liquor store. No way.

Way. That's crazy. Yeah. Why? Why is that crazy? It's probably not allowed anymore. Maybe. I don't know. You're probably right. It's probably not. You're right. I was 16 delivering liquor and the drugstore. Oh, fuck. They put all the delivery liquor and drugs in town in my hands. And this is before GPS. So how'd you get to that? Yeah, looked on a map. Okay. You know, while you were driving. Okay.

You're looking at a... It's worse than texting and driving. Generally unsafe. Way worse. Oh, way worse. What? Seems generally unsafe. It's generally... It was extremely unsafe. I mean, I'm sure I should have pulled over and looked at the map, but I remember, you know, looking at... Anyway, it may be the man I am today, all right? Off-campus restaurants. My God. So what kind of restaurants are in your... Where do you go to school? I go to a private school in Fairfax. Oh, you go to a private school? Yeah. Where's Fairfax? Well, it's like...

I think it crosses by Melrose and Olympic, I think. Oh, Fairfax High School? No, no, no. I don't go to Fairfax High School. No, but like that district? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh. That's where my studio is. Oh, okay. You know, CBS, the giant one at Fairfax and...

I think so. It's called Television City. Is it? The big I, the big CBS I. I think, yeah, I know what that is. It's right, but you know where the Grove is? Mm-hmm. It's right, it's just a butt's the Grove. I know what you're talking about. I said butt. Anyway...

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. So you're going to... Oh, so you're in private school. Yeah. What, you're too good for regular school? Well, I mean, my parents wanted to send me to Jewish school so I could have like a Jewish education alongside a secular one. Interesting, because I hear you're Presbyterian. Now...

Well, so in my day, they call that Hebrew school. Isn't that called Hebrew school? Yeah. Well, also, I mean, we learn Hebrew, but we also learn like Jewish, like Jewish history. I have a class about that. And like. Yeah, I don't think it's the Jews who have to learn the Jewish history. You might want to tell it to the college kids these days because these morons are out there protesting for Hamas. But let's not get you kids involved in controversial subjects like that.

Where do you go to school? I also go to school at private school. Oh, you do? What's yours? Milken. Named after Michael Milken? Maybe. I don't know. Milken. M-I-L-K-E-N? Yep. Well, there was a rich guy named Michael Milken. He was a crook, but, you know, doesn't mean he can't have a school. I mean, Kanye has a school. He does. You want to know how America isn't really serious about education? We gave Kanye a school. Yeah. Yeah, he had a school.

You didn't know that? I didn't. Oh. To send his kids to, right? Well, but other kids went. It was a school. Yeah. Apparently anybody can get a school. School of Kanye? Yeah. So, okay, so you're, do you do this thing off campus? No. No. But you could when you go to high school? I think so. And you think this is good, having this much

Leeway? Probably not. I like it a lot. Do you feel like they're teaching you anything in school? I mean, yeah. It's like I have an eight-hour day pretty much. I start at 8 a.m. and I end at like 4.35 p.m., which is a longer day than like most. But what are they teaching you? Like do you actually know American history? Yeah. You do? Like last year we learned U.S. history, but like that was like a class that I barely got to be in, so like I didn't really –

I wasn't really paying attention in that class. Why? Because, I don't know. And you still got a B? It was boring to me. Well, B for boring. Yeah, exactly. But they, so you didn't pay attention, but you still got a B? I mean, like, I crammed for the test, so. You crammed for the test.

Interesting. That's all that matters. The test is all that matters? No, no, I'm joking. Well, I mean, if you learned it, even if you were doing it from cramming, at least you learned it at some point. Yeah. So you think you did.

Like, I mean, I don't think I know, like, the whole unit. Like, I could take the unit test again right now, but I know, like, the stuff that resonated with me. But, like, you know the American Revolution and 1776 and George Washington and that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. Then Lincoln, the Civil War. Yeah. You would be able to place the correct decade for World War II? It was the...

Correct. 1940s. I thought I was going to say the 30s. I'm so glad they're teaching something. And what about, what's your favorite subject? I want to say math. It's not math. History, probably. Yeah, that was mine. History is fun. Yes. Except for the... It's a story of people doing crazy things.

F'd up things. Insane things. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah. I mean, some people are just good at math. I wasn't. You know, it was always a struggle. Math is just harder when it's annoying. It's always annoying. Yeah. I mean, I did it. For some people. I got there, but...

All right, last question. So do you know what you want to do? I don't want to say when you grow up because you're already obviously very grown up. Thank you. But I mean, let's say when you reach adulthood, do you know what you're going to do, what you're aiming for? No. No clue? I just want to educate people. Well, that's a thing. That's called being a teacher. I don't want to be a teacher. I've heard things about payments and...

That they're low. They are. Yes. So probably not. Just... So something higher up in the chain? Yeah. Maybe the IAC. I don't know. The what? The IAC. Israeli American Council. Oh, the Israeli American Council. Oh, so you're in a Jewish school too? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, look, I love the Jews.

And what do you want to be? I don't really know yet, but I want to major in like either communications or history for college. History? The one that was boring you and that you crammed for? Well, that particular course was boring, but I find like...

Ancient history, way more interesting. Ancient history? I mean, I'm with the history major, so all of history is interesting. I love medieval history. I bet you they haven't gotten to that at all with you. But ancient history, you mean like the Greeks and the Romans? Yeah, or the Egyptians. Egyptians, sure, the Mesopotamians. Like cavemen and all sorts. Cavemen, that's really going far back. So that's prehistory. Well, yeah.

Very interesting. Like the whole social hierarchy thing, that was introduced in Hunter Gatherers. I really, really like that. I learned that five years ago and I still remember it. Hunter Gatherers, yeah. And when did the Hunter Gathering stop? Have you learned that? Yeah, when they started planting food and had a social hierarchy, basically, and set rules up. This was called the Agricultural Revolution. Around when was this?

I don't remember that. But that's important. Yeah. About 10,000 BC. Okay. So only about 12,000 years ago did people settle down. And once they did, right, once they settled down, everything changed. Because, first of all, much less variety in the food.

They basically ate cows, pigs, and chickens like we do today. Easily domesticated, and it made us much less healthy. It's good to have a greater variety of food.

But anyway, we'll get to that in the next class. Okay. Thank you for coming in. Is this the first time you've ever done a podcast? Yeah. I hope so. You're so young. Well, I'm sure it won't be the last. Thank you. All right. Great to meet you. Nice to meet you. Miley. Nice to meet you. All right. If you wouldn't mind, my dad actually wanted to get your birthday. Oh, it would be an honor.

What's his name? My dad asked the same thing. Jeff? No, you don't call him Jeff. You call him Dad, I hope. He's going to be going out to lunch in a restaurant. Hey, Friend in High Places, my new favorite podcast with Matt Friend coming out on YouTube. You've got to check it out. And the first guest is me.