Bert Kreischer | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. My wife is like obsessed with you. Oh, I know. She calls me all the time. Oh, wait, that's the wrong way to start a relationship. No, first of all, I'm so thrilled to have you at a bar because I know you know your way around at a bar. I mean, I... You already have a drink. Yeah, I just poured it. I've been waiting to sip it for you. I was going to have this. You don't drink much, right?

You know, sadly, I do not. But that's the right way to put it. But, you know, it's, yeah, absolutely. It's strictly a function of, like, you just can't have everything in life. And you can't be 66 and drink a lot. You do not look 66. Well, thank you. That's part of the reason. You just can't. Yeah. And so, you know, and, you know, I smoked for 20 years. That was stupid. Cigarettes? Yeah. Cigarettes.

When I stopped doing that, I was like, everything that I thought I needed it for, I didn't need it for. Now, it's not the same with liquor, exactly, because cigarettes do nothing for you. They don't make you high. It's not a high drug. It's a stupid addiction, because at least liquor does something for you. I used to chew tobacco.

That was so stupid. That was the funnest. I miss it so much. Really? I miss smoking. I smoke too. I miss it. The idea of like having something to look forward to, like a treat where you go, Ooh, I can have a cigarette. Why would that be a treat to chew tobacco? I don't get it. Oh my God. Well, I grew up in the South. So that's the, uh, like you ever, you ever been on the road when, like back when you do the road road and you'd get done radio and you'd get in the elevator to go to your room and you go, Oh, I haven't jacked off yet today.

You'd be like, oh, I got a treat coming my way. I didn't need to be doing radio to be availing myself of this treat. I just...

I was, there was a comic, I think his name was Chris Rush, something like that. I had one album we listened to as kids. I think it was him, might have been somebody else. And he had this bit about, you know, a few people who say when you masturbate, you kill, you know, so many sperms. I was like, I was the Eichmann of my block. And I feel like if there is a hell for killing sperm,

I mean, I jerked off like, I mean, 20s, 10s. Does it ever taper off? Yes, but way later than I thought. Really. I mean...

Way later than I thought. And certainly not completely. Yeah. But yes. Oh, absolutely. I thought I'd be done by now. When I was a kid, I was like, it'll be out of my system when I'm turning 50, right? It was decades when I couldn't sleep before I came. Yeah. Usually jerking off, sometimes sex, sometimes both. Couldn't get out of bed. Certainly in my 20s,

I seem to remember always waking up, jerking off, going back to sleep. This is the life of a comedian. And then waking up for good. But like, oh, I'm up. I could jerk off. Now I'm back to sleep. Jerking off makes me sleep. So that was at least, you know. And then, of course, up late, sometimes you had to get up early for some reason. So you take a nap or you got to jerk off before that. I mean, you know, it adds up.

Any one jerk-off moment stand out to you? Well, you know, Walter... I've got a couple where I gave up. This is Edward R. Murrow. And we're here talking with... No, any jerk... Do you ever get caught? Caught? Like walked in on? No.

It was David Teljug. My mom walked in on me. I was like, help, my hand and dick are fighting. My other hand's distracting the ball. My ball's the way I like. There was another comedian. Oh, was this?

The mists of time. This may have been Ed Bluestone. No, no. It was like it was Bob Shaw. I don't know. It could have been Al Jolson. I don't remember this, but this is a great joke. He said, I used to jerk off into a tissue, right? And then fall asleep and the tissue would stick to the end of my dick. And when I woke up, I'd have a hard on. It looked like my dick was surrendering.

isn't that great great yeah what do we need material for we can just quote other people dude that's my favorite thing my favorite thing in the world is when someone tells you like you've you've heard the uh the the gilbert coffrey joke of the uh the gorilla and the and the lion probably what is it where the lion's drinking in water oh pretend i'm

Act like I'm fucking you? No, no, no. He's drinking water out of the stream and the gorilla sees his tail up. So he comes up behind him and gives him the old Liberace real quick, right? Lion pops up and starts chasing him and he's chasing him through the woods and the gorilla runs up on a big camp. So he real quick puts on like a camp, like a safari hat, grabs the New York Times and sits by the campfire. The lion comes running in and he goes...

hey have you seen a gorilla run through here gorilla goes you mean the one that fucked that lion in the ass and he goes it's in the papers I love I love I love when you get like especially when comics because comics will put their spin but that was my favorite thing when I got into comedy was like discovering Mitch Hedberg or Attell or or those guys through other via other comics were like oh have you heard the yeah have you heard the Mitch Hedberg joke and you're like no it's my favorite

Did you ever hear this one about the animal kingdom? There's a lion fucking a zebra. He goes, oh my god, it's my wife. Act like I'm killing you. What was the one? Go ahead. Where did you apply your trade when you started? Where did you hone your craft? Where were you bad? New York. I was written up in Rolling Stone magazine as the

Number one party animal in the country when I was in college. And I tried stand-up once in Tallahassee. And then I'm good. I got to work tonight. I actually brought weed, too. So what? Yeah, I know, right? Your joints look pretty fucking thick. Well, thanks, Bert. My joints are not quite as thick. They're tiny. No. They're like little dog walkers.

Yeah, well. I'll take a light. Oh, so you do want one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not one of your fucking honkers. Why? Because you think it'll get you too high to work? When I get too high? Define too high to work. I think in paragraph form, but I can't get it out. Like, I have a paragraph idea, and I go, oh, this is so brilliant, and then I can't get the words to get the paragraph out. Wow. Just thinking in paragraphs at all is kind of oppressive. Sometimes it's nice to work high or drunk. For me, because I fuck up my act,

And in fucking up my act, I'm forced to write in the moment. And it gets, it like, it'll help me take a boring joke and make it better. It sounds like the beginning of the Mary Tyler Moore show. What was that? You know, make a, make a something day and make it better. Make a boring joke. Yeah. I had a joke about my daughter asking me about time travel. And I had another joke about her keeping her deodorant in the refrigerator.

And I got drunk on stage one night and I, and I flip-flopped him on accident and then I had to fix it. And in fixing it, I turned it into one bit where I had the tag and the tag was, uh, uh, I told you I was in about, you know, someone time traveled where I told you I wasn't lying. Now listen, your dad's going to die. We can save his life. I need you to put your daughter in the refrigerator. And there's a great tag to the other one. And I was like, I would never, I needed to get drunk and kind of get confused on stage.

Yeah, so you're a tinkerer. Yeah. You like to, yeah, me too. I love the feeling. I love the feeling. I pretty much tell stories. I know. And so I love the feeling of finding the end of a story. Finding, fucking up a little bit in the beginning and then saying something that doesn't matter or saying something differently and then at the end going, oh shit, I can pay that off and now I have an end to the story. This is fucking amazing. Yeah.

Well, I mean, look, endings is how you separate the men from the menches in show business. Maybe in every other discipline in life, too, but definitely in show business. Everybody has a great idea or maybe a hundred, maybe a whole notebook full of great ideas for a movie. But do you have the ending? Yeah. Can you stick the landing on it?

Because lots of movies get greenlit and made and they still haven't figured that part out. Yeah. That's what makes it a satisfying experience or not.

I've had many ideas back. I mean, this is, I'm thinking when I like, when you're younger, you're like, Oh, I'm going to do everything. I'm going to direct movies. I'm going to say, you know, be, be thankful. You could do a few things in show business that people don't, you know, don't be greedy. Yeah. I'm going to record a jazz album. No, you're not. And you shouldn't. Yeah.

And I shouldn't even direct a movie. So I remember I did have, I have, I can tell you right now, some very great ideas I had for a movie. But I couldn't think of the ending. And that's why I'm not in the movies.

I have a story that's very popular about me getting involved with the Russian mafia. And I thought the ending was, I thought the ending was, tonight you party with us. You know, I thought that was the ending. And it just never, the audience tells you like, that's not it. That's not it. And then one night, drunk in Columbus, I say this inconsequential line, but the second I said it, I went, fuck that bitch, this is Russia. I just needed to get out of it quickly because I was taking too long. As soon as I said it, I went, oh.

I mean, it's like the greatest feeling. I don't know. It must be what a fisherman, when they hook a fish or, you know, when tiger hits it clean or whatever. Yeah, exactly. Except we don't have to kill something. Yeah. Like a fish. But I mean, I've eaten fish, so I'm not being a hypocrite about it. Somebody caught that fucking fish.

But yes, exactly. I mean, it's orgasmic in a way that even an orgasm, it's a little more ordinary because like, you know, even the lion and the zebra and the ape are having orgasms, but they can't do this. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's, but I assume that lots of people in there, whatever they do for a living, there's their version of that.

- I don't think so. I don't think my dad has it. He's a lawyer. - No, I don't think. - No? Yeah, maybe you're right. I mean, I feel, look, we're always saying we're lucky. I mean, show business, people in show business are always patting themselves on the back, giving themselves awards, talking about how much they affect the world. I dismiss 99% of this shit. I mean, I really do. I think art does not affect life that much.

It's great that we need something to relieve our misery. And just laughing is, you know, I could make the case that that's actually a purer form of medicine. But of course, music is primal. And I mean, I would hate to live without music.

But it doesn't solve world problems like hippies think it does. John Lennon definitely thought it was going to solve... It's not the only one. I mean, I love Bono, but I think he thinks... I mean, that's just part of it. I find it to be a little egotistical. It's like...

Yes, what we do is important and changes the world. It really doesn't because I think it would have done it by now if it could have solved world hunger or whatever. I mean, Live Aid, they did, I'm sure, raise money and get some food. And I mean, it's not like we wouldn't have raised money anyway. But yes, OK, you can make your contribution. But, you know.

But laughing, like when I watch something before I go to sleep, it's like if I can get a laugh. Yeah. Like a real, real laugh. When was the last good laugh you had? Last night, Bad Santa 2. Oh, I haven't seen it. I haven't seen Bad Santa 1. What an asshole. Really? I haven't seen Bad Santa, no. What a dick. I haven't seen Bad Santa. Yeah.

Why? You would love it. It's right. I just haven't. There's a lot of things. I never saw The Sopranos. I never saw. It's so cancelable today. Both of them. Really? Well, I mean, he's a drunk who's bad. You know, he's a sad. And the first one, he's a...

department store Santa. It's hysterical, you know, with kids. As inappropriate as you could... What do you drink? It's tequila. Oh, okay. So you have what you want? Yeah, they put it in here for me. What the fuck is that shit? I have no idea. This is the Key Lime. Dude, Key Lime's my favorite. It's got a little bit of a dirt flavor to it. You brought that. No, you guys bought it for me. Oh, okay. You guys have booked me up. By the way, it's all in my fanny pack. I brought it all in my fanny pack. Oh, okay. But you wanted it. I wanted it. Casamigos is... I just switched over to tequila and I fucking love it.

Yeah, I switched to tequila a while ago only because I thought it might be slightly cleaner. I think it's a little cleaner. And I noticed that I have a whoop and my recoveries are through the roof. Like my recovery when I sleep are in the green now and it never was that. I think the sugars from vodka would keep me awake at night, wake me up. What were we just talking about? Hardest we've ever laughed, Bad Santa. Very good. So, yeah, I mean, he's drunk and there's a...

well, midget, I'm just going to say it because, because half the movie is making fun of, I mean, it's so politically incorrect. Yeah. And the midget is playing the elf, you know? Yeah. So it's a black guy is a midget and Billy Bob Thornton has this drunken redneck and, uh, it's just, it's a scream. I got to see it. And there's of course a kid and involved. And then the second one, Kathy Bates is the mother. That's even more foul and, uh,

It's just wrong. It's the kind of stuff that makes comedians especially laugh because, you know, it's that old W.C. Fields line about to make a regular person laugh, you just have to dress as an old woman and fall down a manhole cover. Yeah. But to make a comedian laugh, it has to really be an old woman. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's kind of like that. Yeah. And this is the, it's, it's so wrong. And you know that so many people would object to this movie that, but that's why it's funny. And yeah, we did a movie in Serbia of me about a year ago for three months.

And I'm listening to Rogan on, you know, trying to go to sleep. It's the first day before shooting. First day before shooting. And Rogan's like, man, no one makes movies that go fucking hard. Like, go hard. Like, really. Like, if you're making a comedy, it's got to... You got to take big swings. And I fucking woke up in a panic. And I was like, our first swing... Our first scene isn't a big swing. And I was like...

I fucking started texting the producers. I was like, we need to rewrite it. We need to make it better. If we're going to make a movie, if you're going to see a movie where your favorite comedian is in it, you want them to punch you in the dick that first scene. Right. The whole thing. Oh, yeah. We rewrote a lot of it, but we rewrote that first scene. So is this out yet? No. Well, no. Oh, so. It's about me and Russia, and we're kind of waiting for this Ukraine. Are you happy with the way it came out? Very. Do you feel like you finally did get the big swing? Yeah. I feel like it's the...

It's funny. I never wanted to act. I had no interest in acting. I really thought it was silly that you would do... It is. Someone would tell you what to say and then you'd say it. And it's easy. Yeah. It's not like rocket science. And then having done it, I fucking loved it. I had so much fun making that movie that I literally was like...

Put me in a... I don't want to be cast in a movie. I have that weird thing. I think it's a comic. Sure. I don't want to be put in a trailer and told when to come into set. I want to make a movie. Like, I want to make the movie and be a part of it and sit in the tent and watch takes and then give notes. And, like, that's the fun part. But I fucking... Sounds like you want to direct a movie. No, I don't want to direct. I just want to be a producer. Oh.

I want to be the guy who can fall asleep in the couch in the tent and wake up and be like, no, no, no. But the director's the one who makes all the decisions. He's directing. I worked with this dude, Peter Tensio, and watching him direct, he was, it was so, everything was so micro. He had every. Better be. Yeah, and you're like paid such attention to detail. I don't have that brain. I mean, even a bad movie takes time.

a hell of a lot of work and a hell of a lot of attention to detail. And a lot of people worked their hardest to even come up with bad, that it just looks like a movie. It may not be great, but it follows. There's continuity. That movie that, who's this made? Who's the guy? I can't do stone to think of his name. But he made a movie about a guy who got

financing and he was like a nut. Oh, the escape artist? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. James Franco. Yeah, James Franco. James Franco. Real story. Yeah. And it just shows what a movie would look like if you were just this moron who thought he was making a movie. Yeah. So, you know, if you're going to make one,

Yeah. And you're right about directing. You can't sit on the couch. No, no. That is a only do the movie and sleep thing. Dude. There's no life. You're right. I walked away from that and I said to myself, I'll never shit on another movie. Like, I would just... Right. Me and Tom, I'm a podcaster with Tom Segura, and we would talk reckless about...

movie stars and fucking movies we saw and just try and make it was so fun and then you make a movie and you're like I'll never do that again the amount of work that goes into making a movie and knowing that like there's people that like commit you know four months of their lives to this movie and I'll never make fun of another movie right

Good. Yeah. I mean, look, I can make fun of a lot of movies because a lot of movies are shit. I can make fun of people's stand-up specials very easily. No, I mean, there's a lot of times I've invested, even if it's the first half hour before I give up on it, I'm like, okay, fine, you robbed me of a half hour of my life that could have been entertaining in some way and it was just fucking awful. Yeah. But what am I going to do? I went and saw Rocky Horror Picture Show when I was a kid.

And I find this to be so funny and no one ever fucking sees the comedy in this. We were in Tampa and I went with a bunch of dudes and they said it's such a cool experience. But we went into a bad neighborhood movie theater. So it was like 50 black kids sitting up front. So when the guys came up front to start acting, the black kids just started heckling the Rocky Horror Picture Show actors. Right.

But we're not saying where black kids is necessarily a bad place, right? Let's get you not canceled. But it was. Where we went was... You're saying it was a rough neighborhood. It was a rough neighborhood, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it was a rough neighborhood. Whatever, whatever. I don't know how to talk anymore. I just say the thing that's real. Okay, right. By the way, you're the fucking reason for that. Thank you. I've been a fan of yours for too long. You've said shit that is so real that I go...

Did I go... Everyone... Dude, I can't even...

Like, I would go off on a tangent for the amount of times that my wife goes, hey, I need you to watch this. And it's a clip of you interviewing fucking just everyone. You're very prolific and you're very dialed into, you know, there was a period where me and my wife thought we were losing our minds as Democrats in L.A. Right. Because all of a sudden we were like, we didn't feel connected to the, we would go to these school functions and the way people were talking was so crazy. Yeah.

It's so crazy that we were like, are we not... We went to a thing for Georgia to go to high school, and they said, and they're like, the school seems pretty good. And then they're like, is it true you make the boys sit on the floor and the girls can stand on chairs and yell at them and oppress them? And they're like, yes, that is true. And I was like, what the fuck? And they're like, is it true that you have the white kids sit on the floor and people of color yell insults to them? And they go, we do. It's to teach them and...

So you see parents nodding like, that's really smart. And I'm just sitting there with Leanne going, well, I'm not sending my kid here. No fucking way. Bert, can I tell you how many times I have heard a version of this story from parents? Apparently, I am the whisperer that people tell their... Because I guess they've seen me talk on TV. And, you know, I do have a common theme that, look...

like you said, a liberal in LA and you feel like some sort of an outsider because it's, it's interesting to be liberal and woke and this kind of stuff that we, you know, woke people,

I have no problem with the term when it used to just mean alert to injustice, when it became about this nonsense that you're talking about now. And for people who think, oh, you know, they exaggerate. Well, it's not everywhere. Nothing is everywhere. There's, you know, thousands and thousands of different schools who do things differently. But for people who want to pretend that this kind of nonsense isn't going on, that's equally with your head up your ass. Yeah. You're not seeing what's really...

And you're right. And the parents who not along. And this is something else I've heard from a lot of parents who are, you know, again, I'm the confessor here. And they're telling me about what goes on in their schools and how they, yes, sometimes have to pull them out or just have to like,

You know, one was about like my kid came home and said, the teacher says, we can't do Thanksgiving. You're not supposed to do Thanksgiving because of what we did to the end. And, you know, the mother just had to say, we're doing fucking Thanksgiving, okay? This is just insane. But there is something going on with sort of high income families

white liberal people. Yeah. This sort of like racial self-loathing that

is not helping any real problem. It's not giving any black people anything that society owes them or improves lives. It's just about, I mean, what is this with standing on chairs and yelling at children? They did, they did for a Christmas parade, the Christmas special, the kids, I don't remember, I think Isla was in like fourth grade, third grade.

Me and my friend Sandy had eaten edibles the night before. And we'd all been over to her house. Her husband made a big dinner. We eat edibles the night before. And we wake up. And the first thing I get from Sandy is, are you still high? And I said, I am. And she says, we have this Christmas fucking thing we have to go to. So I tell Leanne, I go, I maybe shouldn't go. I'm a little high. She goes, hey, have a coffee. You'll wake up. We'll see you in there. So me and Sandy sit next to each other in the auditorium.

Now I have a coffee in me, but I'm still very high. Sandy's still very high. She's 100 pounds less than me. We eat the same amount of edibles. The kids get up and they sing the 12 Nights of Christmas on the first night of Christmas. No, no, no, no, no. What's a mockingbird? You know, the one mockingbird. Partridge and a pear tree. A partridge and a pear tree. Mockingbirds. Yeah, whatever. It's a James Taylor song.

So they sing that song, but to make it woke, they changed it to Jewish shit, right? They go, we'll sing the version of the Christian one, but we're going to put Jewish stuff inside there. Why does that make it more woke? But the person who wrote it was unfamiliar with Jewish belongings and just named things in a deli.

And we were crying. I was, and I'm still high. I'm sobbing laughing. A black and white cookie. Three matzo ball soups. I mean, it just sounded like a really aggressive order from a fucking... And I was crying laughing. This is what I always say. My message to liberals. Attention, Whole Foods shoppers. When you do something that...

reads exactly like an onion headline. Yeah. Stop. I mean, that's a, it's a comedy. They don't, they're doing comedy. They have reached a level. I can't like parody that. Oh, the black and white cookie, the multiple. If I was doing a bit about what you just said, Jewish, that's what I would write. We had, we had, this was, I'd add dreidel.

Other than that... No dreidel. There were no dreidels in this. They should have been. We had a... And maybe I was in fourth grade. They had a... The first dance they were teaching, all the kids the foxtrot, right? So they taught all the kids the foxtrot. And then all the parents are going to sit in the auditorium, watch the kids do the foxtrot on stage. Big round of applause. Milk and cookies after. So right before it starts, they stop everything.

We need a group meeting with the parents. Teacher comes out and says, I need to apologize. I assumed everyone's gender. And I... They're in fourth grade. And I set them up, boy, girl, boy, girl. And I now know that that is a misstep. So clearly some parents lit them up, right? But now they have all the parents around. And they're going...

So we're not going to have a dance today. We're just going to let them dance, free dance on stage. And it's not going to be the Foxtrot, what they learned, because we set them up.

But I need to know that everyone's okay if they just do that and not the foxtrot. Now I get to listen to parents grandstand their politics. Like, you know, actually, we're very big in the LBGTQ positive whatever community. And I just need you to know that as an ally, that I thank your... And then they get to me. They go, Christ, are you cool with that? And I go, hey, listen...

I go, she's in fourth grade. Right. I don't care if she dances with a boy or a girl, just as long as it's white. And the fuck? They go, holy. And my wife goes, he's a comedian. He's a comedian. He's a comedian. That takes balls. Oh, I did so much shit at this. That school was, it's fun to be put into it like a group of people that don't know you. I want to do that thing like in A Beautiful Mind when they put the pen in

Remember that where he puts the pen down to make sure it's real? No, because he's like giving him props for figuring out the great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm saying just for that saying that in that room, I'm putting I'm giving you the pen. Oh, that's pretty awesome, because I'm sure that they've talked about that ever since. Oh, it was a comedian or not.

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Go to signalwire.com slash random and build what's next in real-time communications. Go to signalwire.com slash random. My oldest is going to college next year. And I really miss those times.

Where you're forced into situations you don't want to be in. Right. And peer pressured to think the group think. Think like we all think. And yes, this is, you know, you said your wife and I watch, I guess, real time and see me talking about this. And yeah, I hear it a lot. Like there is just this oppressive attitude.

atmosphere of groupthink and it's in most of other TV shows. Yeah. And people are like, is it me? Am I nuts?

And yeah, I love it when people talk to me like this because it's like, no, you're not nuts and I'm not nuts. Yeah. The world is going a little nuts. What's her name? Barbara Streisand. Bette Midler tweeted out. Yes. And then Mark Hamill's in my movie. Mark Hamill plays my dad in the movie. Oh, cool. Well, that's a good get. Yeah. And then I see him like her tweet and then I immediately was like, oh, mother fucker. And poor Mark's the sweetest guy in the world. He just doesn't see anything wrong with the statement like women usually have vaginas.

There is nothing wrong with that statement. Again, it's like, it's so through the looking glass, so much of this stuff. You know, I'm kind of, I mean, I don't mean this like, I'm kind of stupid and like, I don't really pay attention to politics very much. I don't know very much. I don't really care about a lot of issues like the

Trans stuff, I don't... Like, I go, sure, whatever. Like, we're fans of Umbrella Academy, and if Elliot Page wants to be Elliot Page, I got you back. Sure, right. I think you look like a better dude than me, to be honest with you. And so I got your back. I just don't think about it that... Like, trans... I think about Eskimos more than I think about trans people. No, sure, you have to. That's the thing. It's like, their attitude...

way that far out there on that left fringe, whatever that is that's going on there, their attitude is like, it's not just, if you're a liberal,

First of all, I think they should begin with, if you're a conservative, you're not the enemy. You're just somebody I disagree with. But also, being liberal is not enough for them. Their policy is, you have to turn your life over to this. It's like, no, I know exactly who I am. I know who raised me. I know what they taught me. I know how I've treated people. I know how I think. I know how I would act in any situation with people of color and minority. I

I have no problem with me. I know me. Yeah. Right. I don't need to have this hectoring voice like you're not doing enough. I'm doing all I can. That's what most of us are doing. If you're asking me, am I going to turn my life over to you for this? I'm not. No. I can't. And a lot of people can't. You know, that's...

That has to be enough. And that goes for like a lot of these sexual, racial issues. And people, you know, I've said this before in the air, people who are, you know, struggling white people, they don't like to hear the word privilege because they don't feel privileged. It's my wife's family. My wife's family is, my wife's dad's going through an AFib thing with his heart.

I mean, I don't think my father-in-law will ever see this, but he's not a very educated man, not a very learned man, doesn't read a lot of books. Oh, I take that as a challenge. I'm going to make him my biggest fan, this motherfucker. He's going to be watching everything I do. I mean, when he talked about his heart situation, he's like, no, when I take a quarter inch grip and I turn out of screw, you know how I do, baby? Talking to my wife, he's like, that's why I got to get out of bed. I got to get out of bed. I'm always... And...

But I'm watching him go through the medical, like through the hospital system. And I know how kind of fucked that is, quote unquote, for people of color or women sometimes, minorities. And I go, it also happens to just my wife's dad, like, I mean, a redneck for all intents and purposes. The town of 1,200 people that just isn't like, it's, look, I went in to get a tooth filling thing. And the guy goes, hey, man, we're gonna have to pull out your molars and break your jaw. And I was like, what the fuck?

He was like, yes, it happens. And I was like, I'm definitely getting a second opinion. But that, I said I'm getting a second opinion because I had the money to afford whatever the fuck. Of course. And so like, I have the money. I have, I called my agent. I said, I need a good, good dentist here. Called everyone.

And then we go to another dentist and he's like, no, no, no, we can, don't worry. We don't, we can fix this. But some people, if you are a person that trusts the system, maybe a Canadian or like, like, like, uh, you know, my, my wife's dad, he just goes, he's been through like nine tests now on his heart trying to figure it out. He just trusts the system as opposed to me. I go, fuck that. My, my privilege will get me the best doctor to figure it out.

I am even more out on the spectrum than that probably. I am a true medical skeptic, which doesn't mean I'm a crazy person. Some people think that, but I think I'm much more sane than a lot of the things because I truly believe what people do because mortality and sickness, health, it's the scariest issue there is.

They just want to believe that there is a priesthood in white coats who have all the answers. And I have spent an inordinate amount of time on my show, in stand-up, everywhere, anyone who will listen, preaching the idea that, no,

They're mostly not trying to fuck it up, although there is corruption also. There absolutely is. But they just don't know a hell of a lot. That's why the phrase second opinion is here, because it's an opinion and one isn't good enough. They're always guessing. So, of course, when somebody says to you, we have to break your jaw for a bad tooth. It's like I can only imagine the amount of people because they don't estimate this at all.

who die every year because of medical decisions that in the present are bad decisions and another probably millions when we find out in 50 years things that we're doing now. Oh, so I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat when I was 11, right? And I was born without an animal on my teeth. That explains a lot. Well, my dad drank a lot. So...

But what they did to my teeth, you know, 40, 35, 39 years ago is, I mean, stone age shit compared to what they do to teeth now.

Like, they would never do to teeth today what they did back then. Back then, they shave your tooth into a post, and they put a cap on it. Oh. Oh, it's... My real teeth are basically just little sticks of teeth to put a cap on it, because that's what they did back in 1984 or whatever. I had no Novocaine when they filled my cavities in 1964. Oh.

Are we big digging each other on medical history? Yes. No Novocaine. God damn it. Where did you grow up? New Jersey. Oh, okay. My father was cheap and his friend from the army was a dentist.

And he lived right down the block. I remember riding there on my bicycle in the freezing cold, something they never would let you do today. Ride your bike to a place alone as an eight-year-old. That's who we were. People were just rugged. I remember when we got the privilege to leave the neighborhood on our bikes. Oh, yeah, go anywhere. It wasn't like you can go down to the end of the block. It was like, no, leave the neighborhood, and then you could go five miles out. I used to come home from school every day with...

Fly up the stairs to my room, which was smaller than this bar, but it was mine. Yeah. Just this space was about this size. Get into my play clothes, fly out the door. My mother never once said, where are you going? Where am I going?

I'm doing kid shit. That's where I'm going. What the fuck is it to you? What do you do between three and six? I don't know, and I don't care either. I'll see you at dinner where we'll talk for five minutes, and then I'll fly out of that room. Those moments were so important to define who we were, is that you had weird opportunities with older kids, weird situations where like, but I don't think my girls have that. I grew up in Florida, so you'd go into the lake or get into a swamp,

And they'd be like, hey, man.

shoot that frog or something with a BB gun. A swamp? You literally grew up around a swamp? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We grew up, we lived on a lake and then in the middle of our subdivision there was like a swamp where my buddies... Is this what we come to have known as swamp people? Is that... I mean... That's what we... I grew up with some fucking rednecks. I remember the first day we moved into this neighborhood. How does the swamp affect your view of life? I think, well, it was a great place to hide.

In the swamp? It wasn't a swamp as you would imagine. It's just an area that was lower water level line, but not deep enough to be a lake and tons of trees. Creatures that lived in there? Oh, fuck yeah. Moxins, gators. Monsters? I understand monsters a little bit.

When we moved in, the first day we moved in this neighborhood, shout out to Faircloth States and Tampa, the older boys from the other neighborhood came over to ours, and we were all playing at someone's house, and they were like, and they're in the front yard, and they're like, hey, man, you got to the count of 10, we're going to hunt you. Hunt you? We don't want to be hunted. Like Hunger Games? Yeah, and they just went, 10, 9, 8, and then me and this dude,

hid in a house that was being built. We hid in the chimney until sunset where we climbed up the chimney and scissor fucked each other, facing each other, listening to these kids. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, go back to scissor fuck. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, I missed something in this story. So it comes up. So like when you were young, you're gay. No, no, no. You, we climbed up a chimney right back, feet on the wall, back feet up on the wall. And then we sat me and this kid,

His feet on my side, my feet on his side facing each other inside the chimney. Why was that necessary? To hide in spots. No, to like be rubbing your dicks on each other. Oh, no, no. We weren't literally fucking each other. That's the way we were standing. But why was that necessary in this situation? I don't know. It's the way it went. Because if there was no necessity, I'm going to have to read something into this book that may change your career and your marriage. Yeah.

certainly the direction of this show. Yeah, I would love that. It'd be so much easier. I mean, I have many stories about childhood, but they don't include that. And then we got into the tree fort and I had my fist up his ass. Wait, but we're playing cowboys and Indians. It wasn't the actual, I was just trying to show you the art. I knew you'd understand scissor fucking, so I knew you'd get the...

No one was on top of each other. There was no top, no bottom back then. Okay. Let's just say we had different upbringings. Yeah. Okay. So now as a- You were in DC Cab. Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck, man? Yeah. You know, that was like- I was 27. It was my first year out here. I got the part really-

My first day in L.A. No. Yeah, I was doing my third Tonight Show. It was New Year's Eve going into 1983. So Joel Schumacher, the director of the movie, saw me on the Tonight Show, New Year's Eve.

And then in January, they had the casting, and he wanted me for that part. Certainly, I got it. So, I mean, maybe he wanted somebody else, and I did it better. I don't know. But that's, yeah. I've Googled that cast a lot. Oh. I mean, Mr. T. Yeah.

Gary Busey. Yes. I mean, it was quite a bunch of screwball comedy people. Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett. That's the... He was... Yeah. Charlie died young. You know. Yeah. It was tragic. Adam Baldwin, who went on to do Full Metal Jacket. Marshall Warfield. And yeah. I mean, it was...

It's just really not my kind of movie. Of course, I was thrilled to do it. I was 27. It was such a cool movie. Hollywood one day. I always thought it was horrible. I don't think it's funny. It's so basic and obvious. And it's just not my kind of movie. I couldn't stand to watch it myself. Well, then why is it that a movie like that defines...

My childhood, where do you go, fucking DC Cab is the best movie ever. Because you were a fucking kid, so you thought it was good. I do that all the time. I watch a movie that I remember as good, and then it's like, oh, this stinks. Yeah, because I watched it in 1970 when I was 14, and it's about Natalie Wood looking hot. The movie sucks. It was masturbation fodder. You're telling me Flashdance doesn't hold up? No.

It's funny. I saw it. Yeah, things never change. I saw that on the other day. I was flipping through, and I stayed with it just long enough to get a look at Jennifer Beals because I just remember, oh, yes, there was an exotic kind of I'm-not-even-trying hotness to her. And I think...

I mean, the last time I saw her, she looked very good. It was not the kind of beauty that faded like some do. You know, it was kind of like made to stand the test of time. Yeah, yeah. Now I can't stop thinking about...

So let's get on to something more. By the way, please. I've been married 20 years. No, 18 years. I've been with my wife 20 years. But you never really stopped being a party guy, right? I mean, a lot of wives would have stopped that. Yeah. Don't you think? I quit drinking.

So we broke up like four months in and I quit drinking because I'd gotten, you know, it was one of those things where it was like I was at a party or a dinner and I had too much to drink. And then an argument started about, you know, politics, but not politics, but social politics. And I just was like, I don't really see it that way. And it got upset, upset her friends. And then I was like, well, fuck him. They're fucking idiots. I'm not giving a shit. And my wife was like.

My wife had told me she loved me and I hadn't said it back. And so I was like, you know what? She dumped me. Wait, you were married? No, no, no, no, no, no. We had just been together four months. Oh, I see. Yeah. And so she, she dumped me and, uh, and I, I quit drinking. I quit drinking. I got her back. And I said, maybe I said, I don't, I've never really needed alcohol to have a good time. It's just something that I really enjoy. I really enjoy alcohol with the sunset or with

sunrise or... With a joint. Yeah, with a joint. Fuck the sun. I don't care if the sun is out or not. It's the joint and the pot. I mean, the joint and the alcohol that is such a great one-two punch. I don't know what the fuck...

The chemical reason is, but, and I'm sure it doesn't work that way for everybody, but I always thought like pot plus liquor kind of equals acid. Not at the level I'm doing it now, but it could. I mean, you could really be so high. I remember a couple of times back then,

when I didn't really realize what was happening. And I remember thinking the next day, I think somebody slipped me. Nobody was looking to slip my sorry ass anything. I was just smoking and drinking at the same time. So I thought somebody fucking slipped me something that made me trip. Yeah. I was tripping, but I wasn't really tripping. I love the excitement when someone offers you drugs.

Like I love the excitement when someone's like, or alcohol, they go, hey man, it's like, it's a, it's 10 o'clock in the morning and you're at breakfast. And they go, do you guys want something to drink? And the guy looks at you and goes, I'll get something if you want something. And you're like that, the way your heart skips a beat. You're like, oh yeah, I'll get a Bloody Mary. And then you get one Bloody Mary and then they're like, hey man, you want to take this over to Pat's and we'll get a fucking couple cocktails? And you're like, yeah! It's the greatest feeling. And weed has that same, when someone pulls out a joint and lights it,

That there's such a, especially post-COVID, when someone's like, hey, I trust you. But you kind of cultivate that image. Here's the thing. I don't have much of a differentiation. This can be problematic. I don't have much of a differentiation between what I show you on stage and what I really am. I'm not that smart. Me neither. Yeah. It's not about smart. You're plenty smart. Look at how successful you are. It's that...

First of all, honesty. I mean, look, people also hate honesty. Nobody knows that better than me. But they also love it. Some people hate it. A lot of people hate it because they can't take it. But the people who love it, when they do love it, no matter what form it comes in, yours, mine, it's bracing. It's like walking out on a crisp November morning. It's a little cold, but oh, it feels good. It's like...

Yes. Yeah. Okay. It's not like just sitting back into a comfy chair. It's a little better. It's, it's, it's stimulating. Yeah. So yeah. I mean, being who you are and not changing that, it's not, it's not what they see in acting. It's not what they see in music. Everybody, everybody,

in those fields is basically playing a persona. Yeah. You know, I mean, rock stars aren't really always acting like that and wear the fucking crazy outfits and flamboyant and with a shirt off. Oh, you have the shirt off. I take the shirt off. I live with my shirt off. Bad example. Ha ha ha.

But you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Comics, we can be like more naked than anybody. Yeah. You know, they talk about, you know, oh, the actor that was so brave because the performance. Yeah, but it was a performance. It was brave to, you know, not compared to a Marine, but neither are we that kind of brave. But, you know, oh, she was so brave. You know, the beautiful actors who uglies herself up for a part. I always say, you don't be brave if she stayed ugly.

That would have been really brave if she got ugly for the movie and had to stay that way for the rest of her life. That would be fucking brave. No, the nose was made out of putty. It came off. Yeah. But, you know, being yourself exactly and saying exactly what you think.

especially that thing at the classroom that was fucking ballsy that was well that's not who i was when i worked in trouble channel i was not that guy like it on stage i would always kind of clean it up and then i think doing podcasts and doing getting back into stand-up that was the funnest of like like really focusing on stand-up is uh and i might be a little oblivious to the whole cancel culture i look at it like sharks right so like uh

People talk about cancel culture a lot. Same way they talk about sharks in the summer. You see it on Fox News. You don't CNN shark attack. Shark attacks are up in Florida. I grew up in Florida and I swam with sharks a lot. And if you focus on sharks, the ocean isn't fun. And if you focus on cancel culture, comedy is not fun. Right. But if but if you just go, hey, man, I might get bit. I'm cool with that. That's why I'm doing this. That's why I'm out in the ocean.

I go, that's the only way to really enjoy the ocean, is to just go, I think I'm going to be okay with sharks. And you will be. Yeah. I mean, unless you're very unlucky or swimming away. We just did this fucking fully loaded tour, right? Nikki was telling you about it. Yes. And I had Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Joey Diaz, Big Jay Oakerson, Dave Attell, Chelsea Lynn, Bill...

Fortune Feimster, Taylor Thomas and Nikki Glaser. The greatest comics out there. And in that handful, in one hand, the most inappropriate, politically incorrect comics you've ever seen in your life. Right. My daughter came with me. My 18-year-old daughter was like woke as fuck.

I mean, that's that generation. Of course. Comedy is the villain. And her dad is the fucking joker. Like, they, to joke about Elliot Page is sacrilege. Dad, that's what she wrote in her thing. The jokes are what upsets me. You go, well, that's kind of the business I'm in. That paid for this house. That paid for the... So I bring George on the road. And she watches these... Davitel. Davitel is like fucking... Right. And I watch her and her best friend Daisy go like this. Like...

And they're laughing, but they're covering their face. I go, I said, I saw you laughing at that trans joke about dot, dot, dot. And George goes, dad, hold on. The way he says it, it's different. It's not, he's not, it's like he surprises you with the thing. And I go, yeah, it's called fucking comedy. Exactly. That's what we do, baby. And the reason why it's so great is because laughter is involuntary. So stop it. So when you laugh,

Your mind is telling you something that you perhaps resisted believing, but it's like sort of trumping you. It's jumping, it's going around the gatekeeper. Yeah. And these kids do need help.

Deprogramming. Your daughter needs deprogramming. She left... Joey Diaz. Now, Joey Diaz, I don't know if you're familiar with Joey Diaz. Sure. But Joey Diaz has lived a few blocks from us. My daughters actually only know him as Uncle Joey. Wow. In, like, legit Uncle Joey. Right. She watched Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz goes hard in the fucking paint. Right. Like, he...

He says things that would have got him in trouble in the 90s, okay? Yeah. And to watch them, watch my wife cry laughing, and to watch that. And then my daughter Georgia goes, is this what Joey Diaz says? And I go, yeah. She goes, Uncle Joey, this is... She's like, Dad, it's fucking hilarious. I went, yeah, that's the whole point, is that... And I watch these guys. Mark Norman, murderer. Shane Gillis, dude...

Murder. All these guys, Big Jokers and Nikki Taylor, all these guys are murderers. But they're saying this shit to 12,000 people in a minor league stadium that you're not supposed to say into a microphone, definitely. And people are losing their fucking minds. And I go, well, as long as these 12,000 people keep showing up, I'm not going to worry about the Sharks. But I wouldn't try that in San Francisco.

There are parts of the country where you-- ED HARRISON: Yeah. No, no. It just absolutely would not. Not that there aren't 12,000 people in San Francisco, especially lately that San Francisco is reminding the country that, yeah, we're not as crazy as you think. We, yes, are very left, and we elected some people who are even more left than we are, and we got rid of them because that's what they've been doing in San Francisco lately.

Oh, you don't know anything about it? I don't follow politics at all. Literally, if you don't say it, I don't hear it. Right. Like, that's how it works. I mean, honestly, it's not one of my interests. Like, I don't really give a fuck about certain things. So, like, I also don't follow, like, motorcycle racing. You know, there's a lot of things I'm not interested in. Right. I'm pretty much interested in stand-up comedy. Right. Me. Right.

Right. It's like, I feel like, I feel like the news is like, we ever have someone go, Hey man, can I show you my vacation photos? And you're like, am I in any of those pictures? I mean, I'm not going to let you off the hook quite that easy. It's not the same as motorcycle riding because it affects everybody's lives. It affects your kids. And unless people take care of a democracy, it'll go away. And, and, and we take for granted that,

that we live in a very blessed atmosphere where we don't have to worry about our basic freedoms, but that's not the case in most countries in the world. When people just don't mind it and let it go, it can go. I mean, everything that we said, it can happen here. Yeah, it can. Terrorism, we said it couldn't happen here. It did.

A guy becoming a dictator, very close to happening. You may not be aware of this, but there's these things going on now called the January 6th hearings about the day they did try to take over the country, to steal the country. And I mean, it was a lot worse and a lot closer than we thought. And he's going to try it again.

And I'm telling you, I can't quite let anybody off the hook who says, I don't follow politics and that's just a taste. It's also a responsibility. It's a little like not

watering your lawn. Yes, it's not affecting me directly right now, but it's bringing the price of the house next door down. There's a little... I can understand a good analogy. We're not watering our lawn either, and that can be problematic. But that's...

You always buy it with me, Bert. I never let anything go by, but that's why you like me. Yeah. And by the way, it's perfectly within your rights to do that. I mean, you know, you don't have to follow it closely. It just eventually could bite you in the ass. Oh, it will. I would be the guy that bit in the ass because I don't. Well, no, it would bite all of us in the ass. I mean, if we don't watch, I mean, I watch America slow. I feel like America is just

like letting itself go in every possible way. I mean, the education is just, it must be just at a level

that I can't imagine what goes on during the day in a school because I see these videos. I showed one on my show in an editorial just about a month ago. It's like Leno's old jaywalking bit where somebody just asks somebody that TikTokers do it a lot. Very basic questions. Can you name a country? Stuff like... Africa. Exactly. And I just saw another one and it's like they don't know anything.

And I don't know how long a country can survive with this level of no information in the head. And because things are built upon other things. You know, if you don't know that there are three branches of government, you're not going to be threatened by the fact if one of them goes away. Hey, remember the old Got Milk ads? Well, times have changed and we are much more open as a society. So Got Milk has morphed into Got Bush.

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I met Cory Booker. Yeah. He's dating Rosario Dawson. Yeah, sure. And we were doing a show together. And I don't know a lot about politics, obviously. So I meet Cory Booker. And he goes, he's like, hey, man, I'm Cory. I said, oh, you're Rosario's boyfriend. And he goes, I am. I said, what do you do for a living? He said, I'm a senator. And I said, oh. I said, like, he goes, I'm a politician. I go, do you make money doing that? And he goes, yeah, I do.

I said, what do you do in politics? He goes, I'm a senator. I said, is that the two people thing or the nine people thing? And he goes...

looks at Rosario and he goes, he doesn't follow politics. He goes, he definitely doesn't follow politics. And he goes, that's the nine person thing. I go, cool. I said, you want to be president one day? You were kidding. I was joking. I go, you want to be president one day? And he goes, uh, I just ran for president. I go, did you win? And that's how I met Cory Booker. That's fantastic. But there's look, I know they, they probably, nobody deserves the piss taken out of them more than politicians.

That's a fantastic story and thing to do. But I would just say this, knowing that there are two senators is not something we can take for granted in this country. And that's not even politics. That's civics.

Civics is something they used to teach. We don't teach it anymore. It was a whole study. Oh, yeah. It was a whole field. And it was just like the basics of government. That's civics. Politics is what those two senators are doing now. That's politics. But this is just civics. They don't even know that. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, some of these answers to questions like you said, like name a country or, you know, what was one of them? Like,

What country is Venice, Italy in? Paris? I mean, you can't make this up. Yeah. The level of ignorance is just stunning. My daughter just signed up for classes at her college for the fall semester. She goes, I'm taking Modern History or something. Modern History. And I said, what?

I'm really into history. If I'm into one thing I love is history. Me too. I love it. Oh. I'll tell you. Shout out to Podcast to Podcast. Noiser has the best. They have the thing about the dictators. It's so fucking great. Oh, cool. A whole series on dictators. They have a whole series on daily history. Like today. What was the thing today that happened? But why would you...

If you love history, why wouldn't you be interested in the first draft of history? Because what's... Today is the day Andrew Hamilton got shot. Today is the day Andrew Hamilton got shot. Well, so what? No, no, so what? Hold on, hold on, so what? It's much more interesting. And so I find that so fascinating. I think it's because I'm getting older. No, what... And I think there's something in me that...

the fragility of life, history kind of really just puts it on display. Yes. And it also gives you a sense of perspective. Yeah. You know, that's one thing that when the kids today don't study history, they have no perspective. This is one reason why they're so woke. Yeah. Because they have this idea that everybody throughout history should have been

born with the same sensibility that they were today. And that's not how history works. - No. - It's an evolution just the way a human goes through an evolution. It's like expecting yourself to have been completely mature at 10.

To be like angry at Columbus because he had slaves. Everybody had slaves back then, including people of color in other parts of the world. It's just what people did. It's where humans were. Oh, yeah. But if they don't know that, they just have this judgmental, oh, my God, Abraham Lincoln was a racist.

Yes, Abraham Lincoln. I think he did something for another race, but I can't remember exactly what. But my alma mater, Cornell, just took a bus down of Abraham Lincoln. For real? Yes. They're not the first. High schools have taken his name off. Lincoln is not woke enough for these assholes. Well, we got to get rid of some... I just watched Apocalypto recently. Oh. That was fucking... That's a fucking... When you see the...

The just lack of lack of who's it was it Carlin who did the bit about about civil liberties. And he's like, they're not real.

They're not real. They can be taken away at any time. And then when you start watching videos about them just capturing tons of Incas and then taking them into an Aztec temple and just murdering them so that their crops would be filled. And that life was so disposable. Yes, exactly. I look at my grandfather,

storm the beaches in Normandy, right? I like that. Just we're talking like 80 years ago, I guess 70 years ago, the idea that he was, my dad got his, his journal and from, from Norman, from World War II. And he got wrote every day about like what was going on. And, um, and he was like, yeah, I guess we're going to a beach tomorrow. Like he literally had no clue what

what was happening. He was like, it can't be that bad, right? And it was like... That doesn't sound right. No, no. In the journal, he's like, we're going to a beach tomorrow. They put him on these boats from South Carolina and sent them right to England. They stayed on the fucking boats and then turned around and went right there. And...

That's not right. I think, I don't know what, that's not what happened. The American forces were massing in England for a very long time. And all the soldiers knew D-Day was coming. They were just, and the Nazis knew it was coming. They didn't know where. That was what the shell game was. The Nazis were like, are they going to attack up here? Are they going to attack up here? Are they going to attack in Normandy? Yeah.

But they were all... My father was in World War II. He wasn't on the beach in Normandy, but he was in the Allied force that was in Europe soon after. He was part of it. I'm telling you, they knew. The soldiers knew. He didn't think he was going to the beach with the hail. I might have misrepresented that. I might have misrepresented that. They were going to the beach. Have the little fucking dogs

pull the bikini bottom. I think my point was I don't think he knew it was going to be literally things down, soomp, soomp, soomp, soomp. No one could know how bad it was. And that's why one of the, probably the greatest war movie, I think,

Saving Private Ryan. Can't watch it. It fucking kills me. Saving Private Ryan. I mean, that's... To know that that's in life. It's like the first season of fucking Game of Thrones when they cut Ned's head off and you go, what the fuck? Right. But that's life. Is that one day, yeah, one day you get a phone call. Right. And one day the fucking plane goes into the tower. That fucking... I think that's what fascinates me about history is that there is like a real fucking...

the fragility of it that I just, I'm fascinated by. But you just know that today's newspaper is a history book. It's just one that was written yesterday. That's the thing. This is living history. So I think since you're so interested in history, I bet you at some point you will see that continuum because you will trace history right up to the present. And then you'll be like, oh,

And last month, interesting too. And last week. And now I got to know it right now. But I agree. History. Because it's people. I mean, I get it if your mind works mathematically, scientifically. That never was my bailiwick.

But I just never understood why everyone wasn't more like, oh, history, of course, because it's stories. Oh, it's stories. It's stories. That's why I love it. Yes, you're a storyteller. You're telling me a good story about history, and I am fucking in. I heard about the first...

that killed a settler in Australia back in like the fucking... Back when like... And then this guy became a legend. But you tell those stories and I think it's because it gets punched up over years. Or if you give it 200 years, it breathes. And you're like, no, no, no. And he was like seven feet tall, you know? I think that's what... The story of the day of. The news is never as good as seven years ago. History is also a game of telephone. Yeah. You know, it just... The things...

When you think about what is suspect just from what people talk about contemporaneously, what must it be like from something 2,000 years ago?

I don't know what your relationship is with Mr. Jesus Christ, but just for example, I know people get upset. I watched your fucking movie. Trust me, trust me. Trust me, as a dude who has hardcore panic and rituals through religion, I watched it and I was like, someone switch him. Yeah, but we don't know.

If there was a historical Jesus, there could have been. I mean, if you think he's God, okay, well, that's a whole different discussion, and it's not a discussion at all. It's a belief. But was there a historical Jesus? I mean, there's a lot of people who are like, how dare you even ask that question? Of course there was. No, not of course. There may have been. There may have been an actual Jesus, and it may have been a completely fictional character. But that's everything from...

Now, there are some things we know. There are records. We know there was a Julius Caesar. There absolutely was. Absolutely was. Of course. And there was a Nero, and there was a Charlemagne. And there are many people we do know that Cleopatra. These people did exist, for sure. They can't all have been lying. But- Wait, so this sounds crazy. I can't believe I'm going to ask this.

So we don't have like proof there actually was a Jesus? No. No, I mean, all we have is five people talking about it. And what's suspect is this. Jesus dies... You're going to fuck me up now. You know you're going to fuck me up. I hope so. Jesus dies in 33 AD, right? I mean, we started counting in time. It was one of my first jokes. Like, boy, you know you're big when they start counting time again. I don't know.

followed by I'm still writing zero on my checks in the year one that was another joke I had in my very first five minutes okay so he dies in 33 he dies in 33 what he does I know because he has 33 and you said that and I was like why 33 33 yeah yeah yeah fucking 33 yeah he dies in 33 right he dies in 33 no this is according to the gospel we're gonna party like it's 33 right

The Gospels are written from 70 A.D. to 110 A.D. So none of the Gospel writers were contemporaneous with Jesus. They didn't know him. People think that because some of their names are the same as the apostles, but they were not. And you didn't live, no one lived 70 years back then. Yeah, sure they did. Absolutely. Did they? Oh, Abraham. Yes.

No, the Greek playwrights lived in the 90s. I mean, the normal human lifespan, if you don't pollute your body, or yes, back then you could get a splinter and die from that, but their immune systems were so much better. Yeah, you could live to 100 easily. And some of them did. No, of course, many, many, many didn't because you get kicked by a horse or, you know, there were diseases that they didn't know what to do with, plagues. But yeah, you could. So

No, 70 AD is what I'm talking about. That's when the first gospel was written. That's the gospel of Mark. So he didn't know Jesus. Neither did Matthew, Mark, Luke, John. None of them knew Jesus. Those books were written from 70 to 110 AD. Wow. They were not... St. Paul, he lives 20 years earlier than the gospel writers, much closer to Jesus' age. He's writing in the 50s.

with the leather jackets. No, no, I'm talking about actual fifties. And he knows nothing about Jesus. The gospel writers have all this information about the manger and, you know, like the father, the mother, the carbon, all this biographical detail.

St. Paul doesn't even imagine that he lived on earth. He's just like a godlike figure, okay? So it's odd that the people who seem to know Jesus better lived much later. And the person who could have been aware of Jesus in the flesh, St. Paul in the 50s, he doesn't even think Jesus is a humanly figure. It's very odd. So what is it about, like, if you had to say there's something about, so I just listened to a documentary on...

or a podcast on Joseph Smith. Sure. And that was more recent. What is the common denominator between... Is it just that you get a couple special dudes and then they're so...

that everyone tells stories about them and then goes, like, how the fuck did you become Joseph Smith? I'll tell you. Well, Joseph Smith was a straight-up con man. For real. That is just a crazy con and just... Mormons are the funnest people to be around in the day. At night, a snooze. Yeah. They take Xanax, go to bed. You can't drink in front of them. You can't stand up and drink. Yeah.

I love Mormons. I love Mormons. But yeah. I think that's sometimes, I think you could get a party out of a Mormon in the right setting. They eat pills. I know that firsthand. I think, you know, they're like the preacher's daughter. They can get wild.

I've never, I've partied with a bunch of Mormons. Yeah. And they always like, they're fun with like jumping out of planes and like fucking backyard slingshots. I think you get them in the right mood at Salt Lake City. I think you could have a good time.

But, I mean, to end... Go back to Joseph Smith. Yes, okay. So that's just a straight-up con man. I mean, that's just crazy. A guy who just was like, you know what? I could get people to believe anything because they will if I just say it's a religion. I mean, that's L. Ron Hubbard, too. He was a science fiction writer. And he just went, oh...

If I say this is a religion instead of science fiction, I can make a lot more money and people will follow me. I won't just be an author. I'll be a prophet. I'll do that. Joseph Smith, same thing. Just a straight up con man. Sorry, Mitt.

But Jesus, I would not insult Jesus or whoever created him, whichever what it is, by putting them in the same category. That's not a con. That was a completely different way of looking at what happens in the afterlife. The reason Christianity was successful was in an empire that was mostly slaves, here was something that was telling you

In the afterlife, things get better. The meek will inherit the earth. This is what was revolutionary about Jesus' message. This is why it caught on. It's like, boy, life here sucks.

But the real kingdom is in the after party. I remember hearing that at youth camp. Yeah, that's why Jesus caught on. Now, how much of it is real? I don't believe in gods and that stuff. But that's philosophically why. And that is sort of a beautiful message, that the meek are really as strong and have as much dignity. The poor has as much dignity as the rich and the powerful. You know, that's why they, I mean, of course, the poor.

The masses like that message and they didn't have that message before. Yeah. My dad worked for the church of Scientology. That concludes this TED Talk. My dad worked for the church of Scientology when I was a kid. Why? What? He was a Scientologist? No. Oh. He just worked for the church? He worked for the church. He worked for L. Ron Hubbard. Wow. He defended someone. So like someone tried to escape from the church and was like, hey man, they're horseshit or whatever. And my dad defended that person against the church.

And won. And so then the church came and threw a bunch of money at him and was like, yo, we want you. Anyone who can beat us. So I think my dad knew L. Ron Hubbard, met him, you know.

But I remember him and my mom's a lot like, I mean, that's like my dad. Do not talk to anyone at these fucking dinners. Have you ever seen that? This video of Tom Cruise at a Scientology convention? And he's up there on this. Oh, yeah. Oh, with the metal. I think so. But he he gives a big salute to that's a big picture of Ron Hubbard. LRH.

And you're like, wow, Tom Cruise, I mean, now riding so high with his billion dollar movie, which I'm sure is great. I haven't seen it, but I will. I'm sure I'll enjoy it. I am a big fan of Tom Cruise, the movie star. Really, I think he picks great scripts. He's a smart guy. He's a fucking amazing guy.

then believe in Xenu and 12 trillion years ago and the galactic warrior and the volcano with the bomb and like this like are you kidding a five year old can see this as bullshit wouldn't it be nice wouldn't it be nice like wouldn't it be nice like I really honestly I'm being real serious I would love

to have that blind faith that you wake up every morning and you go, everything's going to be fine. Sure. I get to go to a spaceship and then take off with my friends. Ignorance is bliss. I want to be ignorant. I want to be ignorant. That's the fucking joy of these. I'm trying my hardest, Bill. That's one reason why people do things like that. But, you know, I mean, as Eugene O'Neill said once, a life with illusions is unpardonable and a life without illusions is unbearable.

And that's the dilemma we live in. It's you. I look at you and Hunter S. Thompson, those kind of guys that are just fucking real. Like Stan Hope is that way, real. My heroes are who my heroes are. I can't help that. But then ultimately, I'm some guy that I would love...

To be fucking Tom Cruise and be like, not fucking Tom Cruise, but I would love to be Tom Cruise. Well, maybe I'd... I bet it would be nice. Yeah, you could scissor with him. Yeah, scissor fuck him in an elevator. I would just love to get Tom Cruise on an operating table because, again, the brain is so good and I would just be like that...

I want to be that surgeon who said to him, Tom, there's just this one wire that's a little crossed in here. We're just going to go in for about two minutes and then you're going to be so good on it. And then he wouldn't be like... What if they could give you that wire thing? What if they go, hey, we can switch a wire and you'll believe in God? Oh. You'll believe... No, no, no. That's an interesting... You'll believe in it. That's a very interesting question. And you will feel it. You'll feel it. Right. You'll feel it. You'll pray and you'll connect. Right.

Would you take the operation? I can't even answer you because it's such an interesting question. I can't give you a quick answer.

But I will say this. You know, you're such a successful guy, but you're known as a partier. So I'm sure people come up to you, parents, and are like, don't you think you're giving kids a bad message by being Mr. Party Animal? And then, but you sell out stadiums and you do all this stuff and kids will think,

Being this way is the way to be. I mean, your own daughter, you said. I mean, what's that relationship like? Is that moving toward a place of more conciliation or is that moving toward a place of like, I mean, Elon Musk's child just disowned him. Wow. Right, 18 years old. And said, I don't want the name.

My name isn't Musk anymore. And I don't want to have anything to do... Maybe that will change because 18 is... When you get 25, you're looking for a fucking apartment. You're like, my name's not really pulling traction on these fucking applications. But... Yeah, in short, I'll tell you right now. And my daughter...

My daughter may not be 100% comfortable with all this, but it's part of my gig is that I'm pretty honest about everything.

We found out she smoked marijuana at one point. I did not handle it well. I didn't handle it well. I know. I know. I know. She drank and smoked marijuana when she was 15, 16. Why'd you smoke it with her? Because I'm not that dad. Ultimately, I'm not that dad. I would love to be that dad. I would love to be the dad that goes, hey, kids, come over here. You can smoke it with me, but you can't smoke it with your own flesh and blood. I know. Well, I got called hypocritical by a parent. I got called very hypocritical. Either part is not...

a horrible thing or it is and if it's not then you can enjoy it with your children i think yeah but but i don't have kids you know i was raised my dad was like you don't get tattoos you don't get fucking you don't smoke weed you don't drink like that was how i was raised and so i had this old school mentality in my head so then uh it wasn't until honestly she came on tour with us

And she saw that... I just don't ever want to... Look, I party and I smoke weed and I have a good time. But I also get a lot of shit done. That's what I'm saying. You're a terrible role model. Yeah. But I'm an anomaly in that not a lot of people... Like last night, we went out to Malibu, had dinner with the legendary, me and Tom, and talking about movies, selling a movie, and then...

I wake up this morning at 8 o'clock, I fucking bench 2.15, 3 times, 5 times. I get up and I work out, I get my shit done. And there needs to be that fire under your ass. If drugs... I saw too many friends in Florida...

Drugs got in front of everything and drugs and alcohol. And then that was the answer for everything. And I just want to make sure they, they know that like the work ethic is the thing that allows you to do the drugs and alcohol. Like the, the, if you bust your ass all day. Well, I must also say the sugar from the alcohol that was still in your body. Yeah. It's probably why you were able to bench press, uh,

Five in the morning. But I've always been like that. I ran the LA Marathon with no training at all. I told Rogan, I can do it. He goes, you can't do it. I said, I can do it. I don't need to train for it. I can just run out and do it. I'll party the night before. Party the night before, went out, did it, ran the LA Marathon. You're not in bad shape. I'm okay. I'm pretty fucking fat. No. In America? Not in America. You're a fucking rail. That's why I think I sell well in the middle of the country. They're like, and he's hot? Well, you just look robust.

You know, I don't think. But with my daughter, it has been, with both my daughters, it's been a little hypocritical. They caught me smoking weed one time. Well. I have one of those fire pits with a gas fire in it. And I was smoking one of these little baby joints. And I saw them coming and I threw it in there. You're doing it now. They're going to see this. They won't see this, Bill.

I love that. I love that. That's the opposite. I know demographics more than anything. They don't care about you. They don't even care about me, and I'm their father. So listen, I know you have a set at the store tonight. Is that what? Yeah, what time? I don't know. We're fine. I have a clock here. Yeah. My watch stopped. Yeah, I have a set at the store. Okay. All right. Well, listen. You want to come down and do a spot?

I never get out of this door. Tell them I'm still bitter about it. We're in the belly room. We're in the belly room tonight. No, you're not. I'm doing the belly room. I do the belly room every Wednesday night. I thought that was just for... I mean, I thought that was just for girls. No, no, it's... No? The belly room is no longer just for women? It's really fun. When did that end? Like 1990? Let me tell you something. When are you doing your next special?

I just did one. I know. Well, yeah, it was fantastic. Oh, thank you. When are you doing your next one? 18 months? No. Have fun. Have fun. No, not 18 months. Book out the belly room. Call Emily. Do the belly room. And book it out for a month. Sweetheart. It's so close to you. And you can have fun. You can have so much. I love that. I'm not. You know that's a Bill Maher thing right there.

That's a hard one. That's like being called a bitch by Mike Tyson. Like, I'm going to fuck you in your ass and you don't like it. When you call me sweetheart, that makes my heart swell. Sweetheart, I am not doing the comedy clubs again. It's like going back to high school. I mean, I love you comics who do it. Good luck. I'm enjoying it. But I play theaters.

I don't need to go to comedy clubs anymore. I don't need to try shit out. I know what's gonna work before I do it. I'm 66 years old. I've been doing this for 42 years.

And I ain't going to the comedy store. I've been doing this for 42 years, motherfucker. Yeah. So, all right. Well, listen, I love this. Hey, let me tell you something. I'm coming over here. It has been a real honor to be able to do this. Yeah, I knew it would. I had a feeling. Oh, I fucking love you, man. Nobody comes here to Club Random who I don't think I'm going to have a great time with. I appreciate it. And it's also helpful to drink and smoke. Club Random.

I'd love to have you do my podcast. I will, of course. We'll reach out to you, but man, you are... You're a podcast king. You're fucking right.