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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.
LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I feel like I haven't talked to you in so long. Seth MacFarlane's backyard, maybe?
I smoke more pot than you do. I know the backyard, but I don't remember. You smoke more pot than Bob Marley's rhythm section. I do not. No, I smoke sparingly. I smoke for specific reasons, for things that I only can do better. Fortunately, that's most of the important things in my life. But I don't smoke every day. Hmm.
Yeah, listen, I mean, well, look. Dad, I promise I won't be a... You joke about killing your wife every 10 minutes. People are going to think you murdered your wife at some point. And I feel the same way about you and pot. Yeah, who was it that did that? Somebody made a joke. Well, Henny Youngman wanted us to take his wife, please, I think. What year do you think we met? Oh.
Well, I used to do, I mean, for sure, I used to do P.I. all the time, like back in the later 90s, early 2000s. Oh, did you see I still have the sign? Oh, yeah. Isn't that amazing? Oh, yeah, that's it. That's the sign. That's the sign. So, okay, yes, you did P.I. all the time, right? I probably met you before P.I., for sure. We weren't comedians together, right?
No. Where are you from? I'm from North Hollywood. I'm from like that way. So you started out here. Yeah. Right. And I started back east. And I don't remember ever being on a gig with you. No, I wasn't doing stand-up back then. And I didn't really come up in a traditional way. I was...
You were always kind of there. Yeah. Well, yeah, I certainly can confirm that. I was always there. No, like, it's amazing. You have become a little bit of a, you know, you're one of those American characters, you know, on the list of things that are good if you did okay in life. Like, you must feel very good about yourself because it's like the worst thing is, oh,
I fucking went into show business and didn't make it, which happens to most people who go into show business. Sure. But, you know, your shit came out in the wash. You know, you're like the OG of podcasting and you have this huge...
thing now and you know and even before that like when we were younger we had shows P.I. and you had yeah I mean it is it's interesting so I don't think people really understand the marathon versus the sprint thing
You know, they think show business is a sprint. Who's hot? Who's the it boy? Who's whatever? Like, everyone wants to be the it boy, but being an it boy is like being a one-hit wonder. Like, do you want to be that it person? No, that's not true. You can be an it boy. Justin Bieber was an it boy. And then parlay it boyness into a much more...
substantial career. Yeah. I mean, yeah, but, but I would say the batting average of the one hit wonders or the it boys in terms of attrition, in terms of longevity is probably less, but I agree with you. Like sometimes I sit back and think,
I've turned show business, or at least my version of it, into a 30-year haul, you know, or at this point, you know, coming up on 30 years. And it's weird to take...
a weird job and turn it into just a sort of a long running full-time thing. That's what I'm saying. Your prostate may be enlarging all these other things. Yeah, I'm going to use the bathroom actually. I know we just started, but yeah. It may be happening and you can't help all the things that happen in age, but you have to admit the anxiety I had before I made it
was a terrible thing to live with. I would not have been good if I had, you know, was not sitting here in this basement talking to you and getting high. Was it the anxiety of not making it or the anxiety of making it and being pushed out? It's like being in a war in the army. It's like the anxiety of we all go into battle. I don't want to be the one getting shot. You know, I don't want to be the one
selling oranges on the freeway or whatever. You know, I mean, it's a cruel business show business. You know, look at the end of any movie that's like any time from 10 years, even two years ago.
But especially old ones, and you see like all the, you know, after the stars, like every person that was in the movie, you don't recognize one of those names. Yeah. You should try walking through a graveyard. Same batting average with recognition on names. Yeah, no, I agree. You? I think, and I don't know what your process or mindset was.
going in. Mine was not to be a loser. Nobody's going to hire you because of your headshots or your fake resume. That's so true. Nobody's going to, nobody likes you. Nobody loves you. No one's going to give you a break. If you want to stay in this business, you have to generate material, churn out material, have an audience, deliver to that audience. Like you are going to need to show up
and deliver. It's not going to be because you know a guy named Marty. He's going to take care of you. That was always my... Remember 80 seconds ago when you said you didn't smoke pot very much? Well, no, but I... Adam, what I said was I don't smoke every day. Right. I feel bad. I feel like... You ever watch old Johnny Carson episodes? Yeah.
and the panel smoking or on a roast, like a D-Monk roast or something. Of course, yeah. And the guy sits down next to Johnny and he lights up a cigarette, right? Right. And...
Also, it's weird going back looking at those old Johnny Carson because you're like, Dabney Coleman smoked? I didn't know that, but everyone smoked. But they light the cigarette, but then they're sort of talking the whole time, and there's this thing. They never get to smoke the cigarette. I feel like I'm doing that to you right now. Well, let's have a drink. Okay. Let's have a drink. I had a drink. Are you having a drink? Yeah, I am. Johnny Carson.
I thought of this just the other day. Johnny Carson has now been off for the exact amount of time that he was on, 29 and a half years. Really? Wow. I got to hit that joint because now I'm freaking out. Doesn't that blow your mind?
I'll tell you, if you want to play those kind of games, like you watch The Love Boat and you go, I'm older than Captain Steubing was in his third season, and your head explodes because when you were a kid, he was the oldest guy at sea. Right. And now he's younger than you are now. Right. I know. When I think about...
the songs that I listened to when I first was listening to music, late 60s. You know, Beatles, Rolling Stones, you know, this kind of stuff. Yeah. Like that big band sound that my father listened to, it was completely gone in 1965. Right. But now...
This song, this kind of music I listen to is still with us. But it does kind of make you wonder, like, music, architecture, design, automobiles. If it can be really good 50 years from now, then it's good. Well, that's what I'm saying. That says a lot about rock and roll, rock-pop music. I mean, guitar-driven, not big band sound. Benny Goodman...
did not last that long. They didn't play Benny Goodman. Well, he got a plane crash. No, that was Glenn Miller. Oh, shit. Benny Goodman or Guy Lombardo or Les Brown. Yeah, yeah. It is interesting the things in history that...
that turn over really quickly versus the things that have the longevity versus the things like bell bottoms or men's ties, like they come in and then leave and then come back like a thin tie, then a fat tie. Then we take 20 years off. Now it's a fat tie. It goes back to a thin tie. Yeah.
If you listen to songs in commercials when they spend the money and buy a popular song, it's very often a song from the late 60s, 70s, you know, Better Bridge Over Troubled Water. I don't think that one. But there are songs like that that everybody knows. Yeah. And they're 50 years old. Well, I didn't know any songs in 1969 from 1919. Yeah.
So like you weren't going, like humming to Won't You Be My Melancholy Baby. Right. Maybe there was, exactly, or Alexander's Ragtime Band. No, no, no. Everyone had some kooky grandpa that had a thing. But it was also, they weren't captured digitally, so you'd have to say to grandpa, get out the wax cylinder. I want to hear something from. 78s or something. Right, right. I just kind of have this thing that quiesced
quality endures. You know, the Beatles, you know, like, like, the cream rises to the top. Right. But I was saying the other day, when I was a kid, I enjoyed All in the Family.
I was too young to really get a lot of the references and a lot of the jokes, but it was good. And I sort of liked it because it was good, even though I was eight or nine years old. It was groundbreaking. Right. And I feel like good...
art, good jokes, good comedy, good writing. Like, it endures. And I also feel like, you know, I have kids, and if you show them good stuff and they see, you know, it's like one of the hottest shows is like The Office. All the 13-year-olds just watch the shit out of The Office. And you're going like, that's counterintuitive because it was off the air and, you know, why would they go back and watch it? But it was good. That's why they liked The Office. I love that show.
So, you have kids. Yes. I know. Do you like them? What? Yeah, I like one of them, let's be honest. That's probably better than a lot of people. I mean, you know what? I always said that to people. As you know, I've never had kids. So, like, when I talk to parents, they all say that.
And they think, they say it like I'm the only one. And I'm like, no, I'm telling you, you all sound alike. You all think you're the only one to be saying, oh, I don't know about my kids. No, you all are very iffy on your kids because kids today are impossible. Yeah. And it's, and I'm sure that sounds to some people like, oh, come on, they were always impossible. No, no.
No, I mean, there were always some impossible kids, but as a whole field of fucking brats. Yes. They are fucking. Well, because. Yes. Well, no, I'll tell you what it is. We used to have a hierarchy. There was a sort of a ranking order. Like, for instance, when I grew up, I was scared shitless of every one of my friends' dads.
Yes. You would never. I was in my house. It was a year and a half ago. And one of my daughter's friends.
roller skated past me in my house. It came right down the hardwood floor and just like, you know, it's like, hey, Mr. C, you know, just blew past me. And I was like, could you imagine roller skating inside? If I went to Mr. Vendig's house and started, laced up the skates and he came home from work, he would choke me out in the living room. Like, I was scared shitless of my friend's dad. You couldn't touch your stuff.
You have kids now. You go into the kitchen, and you'll just randomly walk in the kitchen. One of your kid's friends will just be making waffles. Right. And you'd be like, what the – what? Hey, Mr. C, I got my roller skates. I'm making waffles. Like, can you imagine going into one of your friend's houses and cooking? This is so interesting because –
maybe like two months ago, three months ago, something like that, the winter, a very good friend of mine, happens to be very famous, but we're not going to know who this is, go over to his house, and the, like, 16-year-old, it's just...
how, first of all, just that kids will invite themselves into the adult conversation. Right. And that was something we never did. No. You had to be invited in and it was usually to answer like one question. Right. You know, something that they wanted to know or wanted to give you a moment or whatever and then off you're on your way. Right. You know. Yeah. No, you're, well, first off, we weren't, when we were kids, we,
on the very off chance we might go out to dinner, no one wanted our input as to what restaurant we were going to. Of course not. So now... Right.
The conversations are like, we're going out, we're going to the restaurant. I don't want Mexican food. And you're like, what? And then it's, but we've empowered them, essentially weaponized them. You know what I mean? So we're like, what kind of food do you want, honey? I want Greek food. Well, I had Greek for lunch. Well, I want Thai food. It's like, we didn't get a vote. First off, you're going out to dinner. You're fucking lucky. Zip it. That's how it was when we were grown up. But.
But you did it to yourselves. That's all I can say to parents. Well, we and society.
You are society. What do you mean? They're your kids. You can bring them up any way you want. No, no, no. You can't bring them up any way you want because they're prevailing winds. Whitney Houston started singing about children are our future and we all were fucked. You're right. Yeah, it's like, let's just say. But as a collective, you parents fucked it up. Yes. And I always think you fucked it up doubly because you fucked your kids up by blowing smoke up their ass. And you fucked your life up.
because now your life is all this, having to negotiate with a child for what restaurant you're going to go to. But let's not forget, we've also- That is astoundingly, I don't know why I'm so mad. I don't have kids.
You missed a key component of this. I'm angry for you. You missed a component. That's how fucking bad this is. You missed a key component of this, which does affect you, which is you fucked up the kids, you fucked up your own life, and you fucked up society because you have to hire these little fuckers when they're 22 and they're taking me days left and right. You're so right. So it's more global than you think and it does affect you. Yes, it sure does.
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they'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it but you will helix is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com slash random not to bite the hand that feeds me but you know there is it is interesting that there is this um shift now in the country where you know the democrats
used to be more the working party and now they're seen increasingly as the elitists, you know, and these are the kids who go to these, you know, the prep schools and the, and the,
Ivy League colleges, you know, I mean, they're not typical of the thinking that is in the middle of the country or even most of the country. Or even, I think, representative oftentimes of a traditional liberal like myself. Well, you know, it's interesting that I am like you in many ways, that I'm an atheist,
I'm liberal. I'm, you know, pot marriage, gay marriage, legalization, legalization of drugs. Like I'm all for all that. I always have been. Yeah, you're just a normal suburban dad. And then like at a certain point, I've run into the same shit you've run into. Like I want to pull a permit to build something on my property. And I have to go down and, you know, I got this answer.
This very ominous and scary answer. I went down to the city of Glendale. I bought a warehouse. I wanted to pull a permit to build like some storage or mezzanine or something like that. And I go into the city of Glendale building and safety department, and there's some 25-year-old chick behind the counter. And she says, what do you- You said chick. Chick, dame, broad. And I said, what do you- She have nice wheels? Yeah, gams. Gams.
Sticks. Sticks. Getaway sticks. She had a nice fart tank on her too, Bill. Fart tank. That's construction talking. Yeah, we're back on the man show. I said to her, I said to her, I want to get this permit, whatever, and this warehouse. And she said, what do you want to do with that warehouse? And I said, I'm going to put some cars in that warehouse. And she went.
They might let you do that. And I thought, they might let you do that. And so there's where you and I are simpatico. Lots of people are simpatico into that. It's not a right-wing thing. I had this house. The garage door was, when I bought the house, it had three. You could put three cars. But they had to be three very tight doors.
It was too tight. Right. So I went, okay, this is a two-car garage that you sold as a three-car garage. Right.
I'm going to turn it back into a, you know. So just that, there was like three or four inspections. And I'm like, you know what? If I fuck up and the garage door falls, garage ceiling falls on me, that's on me. Right. You know it has to look over my shoulder. Right. I mean, there has to be some level of personal responsibility and get out of my hair. And you feel like, oh, yeah, because it's people's jobs, right?
you know, more people in government and somebody has to go around and look at my garage door and that person gets a salary. And, you know, it just looks very corrupty. And it's like why we can't get anything done in this state. We can't build a railroad.
They couldn't house the homeless. And also, I just saw an article where Elon Musk was like, I'm tunneling. He's doing this whole tunneling project. And he burrows as well. By the way, I just thought about this. I love him. No one's got the range of Elon Musk. He goes to outer space and he goes to inner core Earth.
Like, he literally goes down. He's like, do you want to live on terra firma? No, I'm going down or I'm going up. These morons who, like, make fun of him and hate him, like the people on Saturday Night Live, a few of them, to protest. It's like, could you not?
Not piss off the one guy who might figure out how to get out of the global warming mix. You know, the one guy who might invent the thing. He's going to invent carbon scrubbers and you're calling him an asshole. Could you let him do that? Yes. Yeah. So he, you know, was in California, moved to Texas because I, the thing I want to get in front of the LA city council and governor Newsom and everyone to just go,
The smartest man on the planet
decided to leave California. What does that say about your state? But he's doing the tunneling thing. It's interesting. He's doing it in Texas. I think he's doing it in Nevada. And we have a big traffic problem here in LA and the pass, the 405 and blah, blah, blah. And he was going to tunnel through the pass and everything like that. And he says, I'm not doing it there. It's too regulated. I can't get anything done. So what we do essentially is
In California, the same thing we sort of do to these businesses. We go, we're going to tax the shit out of you. And they go, well, we're just going to go out of town and shoot in New Mexico. We're going to go out of town and shoot in Atlanta. We're going to go to Prague, right? So then you get 0% of zero or 100% of zero, whatever it is. And we go, fine, we're taking a moral stand. And my thing is, why not...
Let's not send Elon Musk packing. Let's have him live where he wants to live, California, and get some shit done for us. How long have you been married? I'm getting divorced. Oh, you are? Congratulations. I mean, I'm sorry. You're welcome. It was like 18, 19 years. It was somewhere around 18 years. What do you make of that whole thing? I mean, just the insanity of attempting...
to be with the same person forever? Well... Because it's not the person that goes bad. I feel like it's over-familiarity that kills it. The people are still good people, or else they wouldn't have liked each other to begin with, and they wouldn't have gotten married, unless they did it in a week, you know, one of those quickie marriages, but you probably didn't do that. No. Okay, so...
It's the over-familiarity that it's like two rats in a cage or something. I agree. Right? Yeah, listen, if I get married again, I want you to preside over it and use the rat in the cage analogy. And then once you get out of the cage as rats, you go on to the hamster wheel, where you eventually have to sex with the same person for the rest of your life.
I will say this. But you know the old joke. Why are divorces so expensive? Because they're worth it. They're worth it. So I'll say this, and I think it'll adequately address what you're saying. Which is, I used to be with you, like this notion of you have to be with the same person for the rest of your life, you know. And it
seemed, I'm with you on that, like it seemed like a fool's errand or how we're not wired for that or like blah, blah, blah. Crazy. But then I would ask you to look at it this way. There are friends you've had who are very long, enduring relationships where they've actually sort of grown and prospered over the years. Yeah, but I wasn't fucking them.
Well, you weren't. I fuck him all day. No, but I will leave sex out of this. Well, you can't leave sex out of it. It's the heart of the whole problem. You should get married. You could leave sex out of it. But you can't. That's the point. You can't. And eventually. All right. Well, we've we've sex into it. But what I'm saying is this sort of philosophically.
You can be attracted to the same person and you can have a fruitful relationship
emotional, mental relationship with the same person for a long period of time. But getting back to my point, we have friends and we have long enduring relationships that even seem to, we foster these great relationships that even seem to grow stronger over the years. But then you have friends that you've kind of, as you've gotten older and grown and had thoughts where they kind of drifted and they've gone the other way. So I think
When you meet people that have been married for 61 years and that person's still their best friend and all that kind of shit. Look, I know you look at them as simpletons. I do as well. I'm with you. Absolutely not. I'm with you. Well, I'm not with you. I don't look at them as simpletons. But there is a version of this.
where the two of you grow in the same direction, just sort of like a friendship is. And then there's a version where you grow and go a direction, and the other person goes the other direction, which is an accurate rendition of any relationship in life. So I don't think it's inherently flawed. I think if you know and grow and go the same direction, you may endure. But the problem is...
Oftentimes, it doesn't happen like all the guys you went to high school with who used to be your best friend and you guys went divergent directions. Are you making this up as you go along? Mostly, yeah. Because, I mean, I don't know. Well, that's your story. You can stick to it. It's just the people are just people. Well, this is all provided one of them doesn't get fat. It's loosely based on weight. Right.
Well, yeah, I mean, it's interesting you say that. I can barely stand myself aging in the mirror.
I can't imagine doing it with another person. I guess for many people, and this is why I must refute your contention that I think people are simple. It's not about that. It's about the chip in you. It's how you're made. It's your personality. Who knows where it's formed? Probably when you're two and you're shitting your pants. No, it is. I am here to tell you.
Whenever a guy starts something with, I'm here to tell you. Look, I just want to talk about Herbalife for a little bit. And then I'm going to answer this question. Is that camera A? What's my camera? No, I am here to tell you that when you get married at 30, you think,
Am I going to be attracted to this person when they're 50? That's what you did. Right. Like, it's kind of weird, just like you don't like looking at your sagging balls in the mirror. When you live with someone, you all age at the same time. I know. And so there's a kind of a thing where you do want to fuck them when they're 50, but
because you've been there throughout the long ride. Right, and that's just, you're just describing two different personality types. If you could do that, there are people, that's great. And it's not about aging. Well, I'm banging a 19-year-old now. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. Yeah, I think she's 19. Her English is so bad. She could have said 90, but no way she would look like that. That's hysterical.
That's hysterical. You can use that one. No, I wouldn't steal it from you, but...
All I can say is that people are just, this is the most personal thing there is about us, like how we relate to the opposite sex or the same sex. I mean, there you go. Right. It can be any, how we relate to another human sexually and romantically. And it's just personal. This is, this is, you're actually in a better place because you can do that. Many people can't and they either fake it or they cheat. They do something and it's usually not,
the ideal situation, you know, there was a movie once called Second Wives Club. Do you remember that? It was like, I think, Bette Midler. Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn, right. And not Mia Farrow, the other one. No, I think Sarah Jessica Parker was the other one. Yeah, and then the other Woody Allen girlfriend. Diane Keaton, yes. Right, right.
But Sarah Jessica Parker, I think, was the ingenue in this. Right. She was the one who the husband, the younger woman that the husband left. Right. Okay. So I remember having the woman on the show who wrote it. She was very celebrated at the time. And it was a big movie. And, you know, it's like... You know, and of course the guy, the middle-aged guy who leaves his wife of 20, 25 years and takes up with her. It's a ratty thing to do. It's a horrible, ratty thing to do. My question was...
Just tell me what the alternative is because it seems like you could either if you're – and people get into this place all the time where they have passionless – it's just the marriage is stale and dead. So what is the alternative? Because to me the options are cheat, which is not a good alternative, or just suck it up. Cheating, suck it up.
Or moving on. I mean, they're all horrible options. Right. No, I agree. I feel the same way, like, when they go...
He was caught cheating on his wife when she was eight months pregnant. And I'm like, what seems like a good time? Like, I could rephrase that and go, he was caught cheating, but she was eight months pregnant. And she was eight months pregnant. I was like, yeah, because she was. Yeah, that's so funny. He gave her a break. Yeah, I agree. Because you.
what you're saying is we have, we have a sort of make-believe society. We, we have two societies. We have the society we live in and then the society we think we live in or talk about we live in. It's like, why didn't he stay with this shrew with the thyroid condition for the rest of his life? And it's like, you're right. It's, it's, it's, it's a kind of a thing where, so it's, it's, it works politically too. It's like Putin's invading somewhere. It's like,
He shouldn't be able to do that. Well, send troops. No, we're not sending troops. Sanctions. Those don't work. But something should be done. And then they leave. You know what I mean? It's like something should be done. What are the choices? There is leave your wife. They're staying in a loveless relationship. Or it's go over to the wild orchid and get a rub and tug.
And we frown on two out of three of those behaviors, but we don't frown on staying in the loveless relationship. And basically what we're saying as a society is we're not saying stay in a loveless relationship. We're saying change your mind. But that can't happen.
You know, it's like be sexually attracted to someone you're not attracted to. No, you can't conjure it. Right. You know, you can't. I mean, people are always talking about things like, you know, role playing and wigs and, you know, like whatever. No, I've seen real sex on it.
your network. I mean, maybe this is my limitation to me as a human being, but that is just, none of that shit would do anything but just make me laugh out loud. Look, I'm with you in that they do the thing where it's like, ah, she's old and she's sagging, she's bagging, it's loveless or whatever. But what if she bought $14 worth of lingerie? You're like, well then if...
Why don't we put a sweater on my dog and I'll be attracted to that, too. You know, it's like, it looks like an old bag and a lingerie. Like, I'm not into that. I'd rather just have the young gal in, you know, saran wrap. When it comes to money, you know the old saying, you can't take it with you? Well, why not use some of it to make sure your family is okay when you do go? And if you don't like them, you can always leave the insurance money to your cat.
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As long as we're going to be honest. You don't apologize for speaking publicly the way everyone speaks privately. Well, okay. I'm glad you brought that up. That's really the next of it. I'm glad you brought that up. I'm getting some ice out of the container here. All right. I'm going to be a terrible host, I am. It's all right. Look, I'm glad you brought this up. Here's the deal.
People say to me, shut up, don't talk about this stuff, stop talking about this stuff. Who says that? Oh, yes, the people who are trying to bring you down. I literally, I do experience this. And I say, what the fuck am I doing in comedy? Why did I get into this? I'll go back to swinging a hammer. Why do this if you're not saying what the fuck you want? You know what? And who are the other comedians saying, you can't say what?
There's a song called, if you ain't got no haters, you ain't popping. Right. You know it? Great guy Lombardo. No. No, I think it's Rico Richie or somebody. Right, right. Anyway, that's what you should be proud of. For me, it's like,
There is no choice. Right. If I think of something and it's funny or it's interesting or it rings true to me, then I'm compelled to say it because that's the business I'm in. The worst thing to be, I think, is boring. Right. I mean, I'd rather... Anything is better than being boring. I had a joke. I had a black people joke. And...
Sarah Silverman came up to me and went, oh, that's a... Right away, that's a problematic way to say it. Sorry, I'm joking. It's a joke that pertained to African-Americans. There you go. And she said to me... And before we go any further, I just want to say as a PSA announcement right in the middle of this, this is that kind of moment where you go, okay, people of bad faith...
will take out of context or just say that, you know, and even though they know in their mind the way you said it the second time, you know,
You just said it like how people think your mind isn't a perfect machine. Yeah. But no ill intent. No. But they will try. They're always doing this. But I don't care. Is this something? Can we? I know. I'm just saying. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. I'm just calling out the people of bad faith pre their bad faith. Yes. Go on with your story. It was a joke.
And I ran into Sarah Silverman at the comedy store. And she went, she said to me, that's a really funny joke. Too bad you can't do it. Right. And I thought, oh, we're at a weird inflection point here where a comedian. Right. You know, I'm not a commercial airline politician. I'm not a school principal. I'm a comedian. And another comedian is saying to me, I love Sarah. You love her. Friends. Friends.
Too bad you can't say something that's funny. Well, honestly, since I don't know what this joke is, I don't know how. It was basically black men are angry and this, that, and the other. And here's how I know the world's, you know, when I stop at a crosswalk, the world's fastest people are the world's slowest pedestrians. And I know they're telling us to fuck off.
fuck off. If they held the Olympics in a crosswalk, there'd be three Scandinavians on the, and that was, but it's a joke, just like a joke. I make jokes about my kids. Okay, but could I add just one, one parenthetical little clause that I think would solve this for everyone? If you just, after you say they're angry, just say, with good reason.
Or something like that that lets you... Rightfully so. I probably would say rightfully so. Right, lets the audience understand that you understand that it's not just for no reason. Yeah, well, if I ever do that or occasionally do it on stage, I will add the part where they have every right to be angry. Right, right. Here's how I know that. And that's...
That's all. Yeah. I mean, all this fucking back and forth biting at each other in this country. So much of it could go away if just bad faith on both sides was thrown in the trash can. Yeah. Well, it's all. Come on. You know, I didn't mean anything. Get me on what you what I mean. You know, I'm OK with that. Don't get me on like, oh.
you know what we really know this isn't that but we can present as it is well
you know, slimy, gross. It's, I totally agree. It's really insulting and weird to call everyone racist or to say like, you don't like children or you hate poor people or whatever. I mean, you don't like children, but you hate poor people or whatever it is. The rollerblades is kind of like, I cannot stop thinking about it was rolling. Well, and the mixture of thoughts and emotions in your mind. I'm,
I'm mostly stunned, but I feel like Jane Goodall. Like I'm just like studying this in the wild. Like I'm making notes. You know, I'm not angry. I'm making notes. I didn't finish my story. So I'm at this person's house. Oh, sorry. Wonderful guy.
A great friend. And yeah, the teenager just invites herself into the conversation. Right. I mean, there's just no thought. That's just how modern parents are. And we were sitting at one point like in the kitchen and it was kind of bright. And I said, like, can we turn these lights down? And they were like, oh, yeah, sure. Sure.
And they did. And then the kid comes in. She's like, it's so dark in here. And I was like, yeah, we, and she turns the lights back up. And she came in with some food she was eating. So like, like, wow. Just like that. I was like, wow, that's, that's bold. Oh, yeah. That's, that's way, that's a subway stop past where we were even like five years ago.
are weaponized like kids are. They really are. Because, you know, I think a lot of it is we kept going like the kids are our future, the kids are our future, but I think there's a bigger point which is Madison Avenue.
Because everyone always went, it's that young demo. We want to capture the young demo. Oh, absolutely, yes. So it's like, if you talk TV ratings, you go, well, I have 3 million viewers. Yeah, but in the demo. In the demo. In the 18 to 34 who can't afford jack shit demo. That's the demo. We want the demo who can't afford a Mercedes to show a Mercedes ad on our fucking show, you idiots. Like, yeah, the demo. Like, I...
I was 29 at one point. Right. I couldn't afford fucking toothpaste when I was 29. Forget about a Mercedes. So we decided that this segment was the demo. Also, old people, older people don't want to get old anymore. Every 57-year-old chick is wearing skinny jeans and has fucking streaks in her hair. Well, I mean, we used to, old people used to be old. Yeah, you're right. I mean, they were like...
Look at me. Yeah, well, look at the- Smoking pot in a little man cave with no children running around. You're right. I never grew up. No, but like, I don't know. Why would you? If you could avoid growing up, why would you not- As a society, look no further than Gilligan's Island. What?
Thurston Howell III's wife, Lovie, was an older woman. And then there was Marianne. You know, and Ginger. Like, there was a Mason-Dixon line. You had some dignity. I'll put it to you this way. Okay, hold on. When we were growing up, if you were a 57-year-old woman...
Like you see the real housewives of Orange County or whatever. I've never seen a real housewife show. Are they 57? They're in their later 40s, oftentimes, early 50s. You know, they have adult children. They're wearing fucking hair extensions.
There was a hairdo when we were kids. Like your mom's friends had hairdos that were up here. They weren't sitting in their drink. You know what I mean? They weren't wearing skinny jeans and pumps. But are they real typical? Aren't they like the kind of women that they hire for those shows who are very... No, all I'm saying is this, like sort of sociologically. Yeah.
When we were young, kids were seen and not heard. That's what I'm saying. And told to shut the fuck up. You're not involved with this conversation. There's no roller skating in the house of life. Fine. Now, Madison Avenue and TV has shifted the whole thing to young, young, young demo. So that the point that there's six-year-old women trying to pass themselves off as 19-year-olds.
What happened to support hoes? Women used to wear support hoes like bane shoes. You keep trying to shift the responsibility off the parents. The parents did it. The reason why Madison Avenue caters to children is because they know the parents will immediately...
Give the money to the children for what the children want. Instead of going to see a movie as adults used to do, they will give kids money to go see the movie and get them out of the house. Here, go to the mall and see Spider-Man. That's why Spider-Man is... Well, think about all these douchebag dudes you see. They're in their 60s. Hey! I'm sitting right here. No, that doesn't make you a douchebag. No.
wearing Vans slip-ons and having multiple bracelets, that makes you a douchebag. Oh. Like, think about all these guys. They're in their 60s. They're wearing...
checkered flag van flip-ons. Like, where's your fucking adult shoes? The point is, we shifted the entire focus to kids. I mean, adults go to Disneyland. Right. Adults don't act like adults. They act like children. That's right. Again, you could, like, say, oh, look where you are with no children in my yard.
Yeah, I mean, yeah. I'm just as bad as anybody else, probably worse. I mean, why wouldn't you, if you could, stay in that arrested development state of not having the kind of responsibilities and the boring and the, you know. No, it's right, but now. Trust me, when that girl rollerbladed past you, you were thinking, oh, God, I wish I was rollerblading in this house right now with that girl. That's really what went on in your lizard brain. It's like you climbed inside my skull. Yeah.
I will out-truth you tonight. What happened, the problem is, yes, we would all love to be 10 years younger. 10? 25. 40. All right, 40. Well, at some point, you'd have no career. You'd go back to selling pot and bread and trowel. No, I couldn't. All right, but what I'm saying is...
If there's adults and there's kids in the house and the adults are trying to act like kids, now we have two kids raising the kids in the house. And that's essentially the problem. The adults need to be the adults. Look at college campuses.
you know, Weinstein or Weinstein, Brett Weinstein, Eric Weinstein, those guys, it's like they let the kids take over the adults on the campus on Evergreen University. Like this is a big problem on college campuses. We need adults. The adults are the adults. They're the faculty. They're the administrators. And then there's the 19-year-old dumb fucks who don't know shit. And they're the kids. Adults don't take up with the kids. Right.
That's the problem. The problem is the adults wanted to be 19. Do you remember that there was a video that went out probably seven years ago or something? It was at Yale, I believe. There was a couple who were both working at the university and the wife wrote a book.
very benign emails. About Halloween. Right. About like, just, can we just not lose our shit this year? If some, by the way, if it's like sombrero, you know, it's like some kid named Lucas wants to go to Frito Bandita. Just give him a pass. Yeah, just don't. And the husband, it wasn't even the person himself, the husband is like accosted
on the campus grounds by this little mob of brats and they're screaming at him. First of all, the idea of screaming at your adult... A faculty. A faculty. It's just like, again, who raised these animals? Right. And...
You know, it's like the upper crust. This is like Yale. And they're screaming about like, we don't feel safe from a Halloween costume? You don't feel safe? Who can survive with this level of, you know? Well, they're like emotional hemophiliacs. If you're that fragile, you can't go into the world. Like, I wouldn't. Listen, my 15-year-old son
Just showed me like a screenshot. He just had a school meeting symposium, you know, with the classes and whatever. And it was a whole thing of like, if somebody makes a joke, how do you address the joke? You know, what do you say, you know, that hurt my feelings? This is the thing. Where is he learning this? He's at LA Unified. This is in the school? They're saying this? Yeah. The teacher is saying this to him.
It's a program that's within the LA Unified School District where they're basically saying if somebody makes a joke and the joke hurts your feelings, how do you confront the person and what's acceptable? They're teaching them to be pussies. So wait, we need a whole program? Oh my God, yes. To deal with how to deal with a joke? Yes. A whole program? Yes. Yes, that's where we're at.
I know. And to what end? And the other thing, too, is you're making these people miserable. These kids, you know, when you're 19...
You're supposed to be footloose and fancy fucking freak. Right. I added the fuck. I feel the same way. For alliteration. But, I mean, you're supposed to be fucking having a good time. You're supposed to be shotgunning beers and getting laid and fucking having a good time. Save some moral outrage for the golden years. Right. Don't worry. You'll have to wear a brown suit and become the man at some point. But you're 19.
It's amazing. The weight of the world shouldn't be on your shoulders. Fucking get laid and blow a doobie. Take your fucking shirt off at the game and write a letter of your team on it. And we're doing this thing. And the thing that's very interesting about those games
you show. It's like the 19-year-olds that are crying, like yelling at the professor whose wife said, eh, if you want to wear a sombrero, wear a sombrero. And they're like screaming, like, no! And it's like, it's so visceral. It's like, where's this all energy coming from? And then how happy can you be as a 19-year-old? I mean, pompous and self-righteous. All rights lead to narcissism. And wounded and narcissistic. Oh, God. I mean, just...
so many qualities that would make you go, wow, I just would never want to see that person again. I mean, hopefully that person is very young and will mature out of this. But plainly, that person is a victim of her upbringing. I think what we're seeing in it, but what you need to realize is
while you're going all, you know, nurture, it's the nurture of society. It's like, I have two kids. I have boy, girl, twin. No. Oh, you have twins. I have twins. And that's it? Just one set of twins? That's it. And they're 15? Yeah. 15. And the boy thinks like me. The girl thinks like society. So you can't always contain them. Right. You know what I mean? Like, you think about...
Easy example, COVID. How would you say to your 15-year-old daughter, you're not in danger, you're fine, you're healthy? She's being hit in the face with a tsunami of... So she's telling me, if you're going to the market, wear gloves. And I'm saying that's bullshit kicked up by CNN. I don't need to do that. She's saying, what do you mean? What do you mean? She's wiping down...
bags of Grubhub before they come down. How is she going to exercise herself from society? What are we going to do? How are we going to get her away from that? Now, my boy just kind of goes, you're the smart one in the family. I'll follow your cues. And my thing was like, fuck masks, fuck gloves, fuck all this. I'm hitting the road. I'm doing shows. Now, this is bullshit. It's all cooked up. CDC, fuck them. Whatever the administration is, fuck them. Back
a Fauci. I don't believe that guy anymore. Like, I don't believe anything anymore. It's all, it's all following a theme. You're young, you're healthy, you're fine. Don't
Don't worry about it. You don't have diabetes. You're not morbidly obese. You're 14, whatever. Get on with your fucking life. Don't lose this. By the way, get some goddamn vitamin D. Go outside. Get some exercise. Don't get fat. You'll be fine. It'll be a fucking head cold for you. That's exactly what I said. But my daughter is absorbing society. And society's got the death...
whole thing up there. Also, they have their friends, they have the teachers unions, it's not safe to go back, whatever. So,
I cannot extricate her from society. She lives in the society. It's bombarding her. It's so sad that we have done this. And she bought into it. They were all over me this week because I said on Overtime, on Real Time last week, that we were raising a generation of little Howie Mandels. But that's exactly what we're doing. What you describe with your daughter is exactly that. That is where we made children.
Into the Howie Mandel syndrome. And that, you know, I love Howie. We all love Howie. Everyone loves Howie. He himself talks about how no one would want this, what he has. He said, it's ruined so much of my life. And of course, how could it not? Yes. It's just. No, it's spot on. Like, why would we want to burden them?
with this, let them have a childhood. And Howie Mandel, I'll tell you a funny Howie Mandel story. And it'll speak to exactly what you're saying. And you're dead nuts on in that. Why are we turning them into this? Now, my theory, my nefarious theory is I call it crate training. You can't crate train you and you can't crate train me. We're too fucking old, but you can crate train a puppy.
You can't get the Labrador when it's middle age. You got to get them when they're puppy. You get them into the crate and you crate train them. Who's doing that? Who's putting us in the crate?
I feel like it's the government and society. And I'm not a conspiracy guy, you know, Twin Towers. Not a Jew in the building. Like, I'm not that guy. No, I know. I know you're not. But the government, both Republican and Democrat? I think it's more Democrat. I think based on...
Ron DeSantis or Texas and Florida versus California and Oregon. I feel like they just went, go out, take your own chances, whatever. And then I'm in California. It's like, lock it down, no outdoor dining. To circle back, there's a place called Tin Horn Flats. It's a restaurant. It's in Burbank. It's owned by a family that I went to high school with. And they shut down outdoor dining.
At a certain point...
They said, fuck it. We're staying open. We moved everything outdoors. We built all the accommodations. We did all the stuff you want us to do. And they said, no more. And they shut down outdoor dining. And Tinhorn Flats in Burbank said, we're staying open. We're defying it. They stayed open. There's a fence around Tinhorn Flats now. It's shut down. They're out of business. The government did that. And the overreach of the government is fucking insane during this period. We don't need to live...
Well, what it is is there is, you're right, that it is mostly coming from the left, the feeling that the more safety I want, the better person I am.
That's really what the fundamental argument we're having is. We all want measures of safety and levels of safety. We're just having a debate about what is the acceptable amount of death and sickness to living. Sorry. No, go ahead. The Howie Mandel story, which I forgot about. So Howie Mandel, he's obviously on a show in...
I don't know, I was doing a standup show and Thousand Oaks or somewhere like that.
I was up on the marquee and Howie Mandel and his wife and a couple of friends were eating right next door at a rib place. And because Howie's a friend, after they were done eating, he wandered up to the green room I was sitting in shortly before my show started. And I was just like, oh, hey, it's Howie Mandel. Hey, I was eating over here and I saw your name and I wanted to come by and say hi. Yeah, comics. Comics. It's what we love. He's a great guy.
So he came in, and this place, he had, because it was a rib joint he ate at, they had popcorn, like, in a big barrel at the front door. That's good for him. For some reason, peanuts, popcorn, I don't know. I can't believe he was even in this place. It's alliteration. He had what looked like one of those old shirt boxes that had, like, a nice shirt in it filled with popcorn.
And Howie, and I'm sitting with my group, my podcast guys and stuff, and Howie's got the popcorn tin. He's like, yeah, popcorn. People are reaching in. He's reaching in. Everyone's, you know, popcorn, popcorn. And I said, wait a minute, Howie. You're germaphobe. You got this popcorn lid. You're passing it out to everybody. Everyone's reaching in, grabbing it. You're reaching in, grabbing it. I said, how does that make sense with all the germaphobia? Yeah.
I don't get it. And he goes, you don't get it, Adam. I'm nuts. Is that real? Yeah, it's absolutely true. And I was like, I had a revelation because I was like, oh, yeah, he's nuts. That is a revelation. It doesn't have anything to do with popcorn or Neutrogena or any of the Lysol. He's nuts. That's...
But we're trying to make sense of his nuts all the time. Like, how are you... How are you... You don't have to lice all down the... No, no, I'm nuts. That's like a scoop. That's... Well, I'm going to shake your hand. You don't mind. No, I don't... Because we don't believe that... We can't avoid germs. We can't. And we shouldn't even try. No, we weaken our system. Exactly. We're hurting our system. All right, thank you. This was so fucking...
- Fun and you know, come here. Handshake, don't do it. - You gonna hug it out or what? - But I wanna go back to the kid roller skating. Now what's floor of the house was this? - This was the entry hall. - Okay. - Lot of hardwood. - Hardwood floors. - Yes. - They are fucking. - He's like yes.