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Hey, everybody. Welcome to Literally. The hilarious Nikki Glaser is on. She was on the podcast. She was one of my, among my first guests back in the day when we first started this. And we had such a great talk that I wanted to have her come back. And she does not disappoint. She is just, there's nobody like her. So let's get cracking with Nikki.
to see you. Thanks for having me. Yeah, I always, we had so much fun last time. Do you know it was, I mean, it was years ago. You were like one of my early guests. I know. It's like, I can't believe how much time has gone by. It was COVID. I was living with my parents. I was like in my dad's den. You were back literally in your like
bedroom you grew up in. Yes. It was like a sad time in my life. I think that was like a highlight of it was talking to you for an hour of that year. It was a dark time. It is weird that it was years ago at this point. But yeah, it's good to be back and out of there. So you are working on a show with my favorite title ever. Ever. Thank you. Ever. Yes. And by the way, I insist on calling it by its real name. Thank you.
Really? Fuckboy Island. Fuckboy Island. Thank you. Yeah, we have to call it F-Boy Island. Thank you for getting the fact that it's a hilarious name. I mean, it showed up in an email to me of possible reality shows that were looking for hosts.
And it was a bunch of different shows, but I saw F-Boy Island and you just know instantly this show's funny. Like it has a sense of humor about itself. And so I was like, I want that one. Yes. Because I had given a directive to my people. Like, I don't want to go out for things like I watch reality shows. How am I going to, can I get in this world? Yeah. I was like, can I be on it? Can I? And then they wanted me as a host, but I did think at first they wanted me as one of like the girls that was looking for love. Amazing. And I got so excited because that's kind of,
My dream is to be a bachelorette on a show to find love on TV. But then they... So I was so excited at first when they called and were like, we want you to do this show. And I was like, this is... I think it's going to be so cool to have like kind of a celebrity in this role. And they're like, yeah, I think that would be fitting for a host. And I'm like...
Oh, yeah. It was it was. Yeah. So this is as close as I can get to being the bachelorette is just watching people fall in love in front of me. We have so many questions. First of all, how are the F boys? We like, oh, yeah, you're a real F boy for sure. Yeah. I picture them all with like wearing vineyard vines and like backwards baseball caps and in boating shoes.
Yeah, there's a lot of that. It's like a lot of just DJs, wannabe DJs, friends of DJs. There's a lot of... They don't button their shirts past their nipples. Like, it's just... They can't reach it or they don't know how. They... Yeah, they all look like douchebags. Only half of them actually are. You know, they all...
look like F-boys, but half are nice guys and then the other half are F-boys. And the whole game is like if the girl chooses an F-boy at the end, then all the money, $100,000, goes into his control and he can either choose to split it with her or he can choose to keep it all for himself. And the reason she would choose him is because she thinks he's changed. He came on the show as an F-boy because that's what he was until he met her. And a lot of these guys do, some guys do change, but some of them don't and they keep all the money
and it's devastating and it's crazy. But yeah, the guys are... This is the interesting thing about the show is that they don't mind being a villain on camera, which I think is a fascinating anomaly is that someone doesn't mind...
You know, we've seen villains on reality shows. It's kind of usually happens when they're not aware of it and they're just being themselves and they kind of, you know, eventually their walls come down and you see it. But these guys look down the camera and say like, I am lying to this girl. I don't like her at all. And I'm here for the money. I would never date her outside of the show.
this is so annoying. I even have to go on this date. I can't wait till the show is over so I can take the money from her. And then they cut to him like on a date with her, like nearly crying about how he's changed and how he can't wait to bring her home to meet his family and that she's the one. And you're just like, I can't believe the level of deception. It's fascinating that someone's okay with being a villain. I think...
I attribute it to Trump. Like, I think that people have now seen that being a bad person is like makes you popular. So these guys don't mind it because I'm like, you have to go into the world after the show, after we've seen you lie to women, to their face, these women who are crying, who have given you then steal money from them, too. And now you have to go. You have to, like, find jobs someday. You have to find a wife. Potentially, you're going to have this on your record forever. They don't they don't care. No, it's wild. Yeah.
I mean, nobody cares about much anymore. No. It's like, it's like, it's like sky's the limit. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like everything that would, what's the word I'm looking for? Scandalized. Everything would have scandalized people in the past. Like, oh yeah, for sure. I mean, the government announces aliens are real. People go, yeah, sure. That's great. You know, like, you know, a presidential candidate goes, I grab them by the PU. You know what? Nobody cares. Nobody cares.
Nobody cares about anything. Nobody cares. It's not, it doesn't land anymore. We're not, it's just on to the next thing. Yeah, that's a really good point. I always think about that. Like, I think I get asked a lot about as a comedian if you're worried about getting canceled. And it's like, yeah,
Yeah, but I'd bounce back because people get over it, you know? And yeah, it's interesting to me to see what does stick, but most things don't. And certainly not appearing on a reality show as a villain. People will forget you immediately. Let me ask you this. When do they AF?
Is there any effing going on on F-Boy Island? This is the interesting part, Rob, is that usually these guys would be effing right away, like the first night they meet these girls, but we don't allow them to. We keep them separate. And so we make them over 10 weeks go on dates and like they have to be in rowboats together. They have to go on these like, you know, a candle making date. They have to have conversations and get to know each other without going off and effing. And so these guys that have never...
ever even had a girlfriend because they're just such players are forced to suddenly have like, they start having feelings because they've never, they're without their phones. You know, they usually would just ghost a girl and just move on to the next one. But we forced them to actually talk to these women and they actually fall in love sometimes and cry and become what we call a reformed F-boy, a guy who's changed his ways. Aw.
Aw, the reformed- But that's the only way to do it is to isolate them from their friends and family where they don't have a job and they're just living on a ranch and filming a reality show with no access to the outside world. And that's how a man will commit to you.
If he's convinced that there's no other option. It's like prison. We've just, you know, that's what we do to them. It's an experiment. And as soon as they get out, everything crumbles. I mean, we're kind of honest on the show about like, yes, the relationships, the love that you're witnessing happen is real, but we're not like The Bachelor. Like these people are going to get engaged. We're just like, you know, we hope you last forever, which is at least, you know, two months after the season finale. That is forever. We hope you last from shooting to...
through editing, through the promotion to when it airs. That's all we're asking. I'm always following up with them afterwards. Like, hold on just another week. It would be really good if you guys were still together by the time this airs. But yeah, I mean, but that doesn't, I think that used to make me feel like, oh, well, I don't even want to watch the show if it doesn't last. But I don't,
It doesn't affect me anymore. I know from witnessing it that these things that are happening, these love affairs that are happening on our show are actually real. These people aren't good enough actors to fake it. And so it doesn't bother me that it eventually ends. I don't tend to think that a relationship, just because it ends, is a failure. And we kind of have the same track record as most people. Most people you date, it doesn't work out. So everyone's like, reality shows, they never lead to lasting love. It's like...
Well, most things don't. Most of the people you date, 90% of the people you date in your life, depending on how many people you date, is not going to last forever. So we're right on with, you know, the normal. Yeah, yeah. Statistics. For sure. Yeah. I was looking at my notes on your background and, you know, it's always that thing where like she says, and then there's a quote and you go, did she really say that? Did she really describe? Oh, God. But here's my favorite. I know. I'll get it for you. Hang on. I'm scared. Oh, this is the best.
Growing up, she was an introvert, very shy, and was worried about being made fun of as a self-described introvert.
Prude and late bloomer. Okay, the word, let's discuss the word prude for a minute. Yeah. When I was a kid, that word was huge. I've never heard, I never heard my kids mention it ever, ever. Yeah. It was big in my high school, I think. Big, huge. Oh, she's a, oh, he's a prude. She's a prude. Yeah, it's not used anymore. No, it's like, it's like, I love like old words that we witnessed their demise. Yes.
It's so true. That one does stick out. It needs to make a comeback. It's ready. Because it's so great. And by the way, I don't even know what it means. I mean, I know what it means. Yeah, prudence. Oh, prudent. Of course. Yeah. Prude. But it is, it's a harsh sounding word. Yeah, but I never thought, I don't think I, it used to be really negatively, I mean, it would be a negative thing to be called, but I think I kind of,
I liked that I was. My mom was such a prude. Prude. Keep saying it. What's the word that my dad always calls? It's so good. It just sounds like prude. She was so like, she's just not a sexual person. And so she was always just like, boys are disgusting. Avoid them. They're all going to rape you. And so I was just scared of getting raped, kind of. My mom really, I'm not even joking. My mom's sex talk to me was like, if you're alone with a boy, they're going to rape you. Yeah.
And so I was like, OK, like I was scared. And she had a good point. I mean, like men can hold you down and do whatever. But in high school, was that the fear? And so I was just really scared of boys doing things I didn't want to do yet. And so I just was I was I wanted to so badly with boys. But I was I was approved. I avoided them. I just was scared of sex. And now it's all I fucking know about. When what was the turning point?
Because there's clearly been a turning point. Jaeger. Oh, yes. I think it was alcohol. I mean, honestly, it was... That was what greased the wheels enough for me to feel comfortable enough doing sex stuff because it just seems so awkward to get naked with someone and...
And passionate. It just felt silly to me. I just couldn't see myself ever wanting to do that. I was never that lustful that that felt like a good idea. But then you get drunk and suddenly it makes it easier. And I think that's why I think men get horny enough for them to act a fool and get really like lustful and passionate.
passionate and, you know, like men kind of get stupid when they get horny, whereas women, it takes a little bit. It takes more for us to get horny, as I think we all kind of understand. And especially men early on aren't really great at foreplay. So by the time we're supposed to be like having sex, we're kind of still like nervous and we're not even wet yet. You know, we're not turned on. And so we have to grease the wheels by getting drunk because to have sex with someone is a crazy thing to do. It always boggles my mind that you go on a date with someone and you're like,
so like how many siblings do you have? And you're like sitting up straight and you're making sure you have nothing in your teeth. And then an hour later, you're like humping naked and like sweating and have your faces on each other's genitals. It's like, that's insane. You have to, alcohol has to get you there or horniness. So I think I eventually just drank and then I stopped drinking and then I stopped having sex when I stopped drinking. And then eventually I think I was able to do it again because I
I, because yeah, I became prude again once I quit drinking. Yeah, for sure. And then it took like a certain guy to like, it took intimacy. You know, it took emotional intimacy for me to be able to do that again. I'm not someone who can even today have like a one night stand or anything like that. I remember because you and I are both in recovery, no drinking, no drugs for us.
I smoke a little pot, I want to be honest. Oh, California Sober. Yeah, yeah, that one. I'm trying to stop, but it's the last one. California Sober. I don't do it that often. I feel like, like a true addict, I feel like I have control over it right now, but it's always a slippery slope, but it's always one that like comes in and out of my life. It's out of my life right now, thank God.
because I would be more meandering and not able to find my words on this podcast. That's what it does to me. It's like in the short term, it makes me feel great. And then the long term, I become a real dum-dum. Yeah, I don't think any of the great orators were pot smokers somehow. No, unfortunately not. And I keep looking for them for some example that it's okay for me to do it. You know, like you're always looking for a reason to normalize it. Well, Snoop Dogg,
You know, like he's the pothead that you see is so prolific and still such a great musician and still so on and funny. But he's an anomaly. I mean, I can be high and function pretty well high, but the long term effects are just memory loss in the middle of sentences. I mean, look, there are people that I mean, look, Willie Nelson. Great. Amazing. We should only I mean, what a career. What an icon. It's Willie. It's Snoop.
And then very quickly, it gets into Cheech and Chong. And you go, I don't know. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like... Yes, there's a drop off. Yeah.
I can't do it. But I have depression and it helps with my depression. Oh, right. Like it instantly gets me from feeling so, so, so sad and in the dumps and I smoke a little weed and I just instantly feel anxious. And that's a different feeling than depressed. I go from wanting to die to feeling like I don't want to die. There's like no in between, but...
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Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. Okay, let me ask you a question. With the caveat, I'm not going to do it. Nobody needs to get worried out there. But the notion that there's new pot out there. Yeah. And it's legal. That is kind of like designer pot. Can you... If I were to walk into a dispensary and go...
I want something that's going to make me want to listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Cuddle, have sex without any paranoia whatsoever guaranteed. Could they do that? I don't think so. You know, I really don't think so because I think that a bud tender would tell you differently and give you something. But I think we're all just so different and that it's definitely a psychosis
It's a psychotic drug. Psychotropic. It makes people lose their mind. Yeah, psychotropic. Thank you. I could have come up with that word if I didn't smoke pot a week ago, but I did. So I got halfway there. But yeah, I really don't think it's something that anyone needs to justify doing now if you haven't picked it up in a while. Not that you were doing that, but I think there are a lot of people that now think, well, I can engineer it now to not give me the paranoia. I don't think...
I haven't come across weed that I can depend upon. Like, this is exactly how it's going to make me feel every single time. It's always a crap shoot, which I kind of love. No, not me. I hated, listen, I hated weed. You did. I tried to smoke it.
so many times to be cool. I mean, I grew up in Malibu in the 70s and we were smoking pot at the bus stop. I wasn't, but the cool kids were. We're smoking pot at the bus stop in seventh grade and just, they'd get up, they'd surf, they'd have sand in their hair, they'd still be, their clothes would be a little bit wet, of course. They'd been up since four and they're smoking pot at
before 7.30 in the morning on their way to school. That's what the cool kids did where I grew up. And I tried to be cool. And all it made me was
is fall asleep in history class and then be paranoid. And I hated it. Hated it. Yeah. Oh, good. That's such a good thing. Like, don't you like when there's a drug where you're like, I'm not craving doing it? It's nice that there's one. Because, like, that's me for Coke. Like, Coke, I'm just like, it's never... I did it once and was like, no, this isn't my thing. And Adderall, I'm just like, no, I don't want to write a book report right now. I want to party. And I think that we, though...
Weed does do that. Weed does not make me tired. I would never, a lot of people smoke it or eat it to fall asleep. Weed makes me really alert and want to chat and work on things. I think so many projects that I am involved with currently have begun because I smoked a little too much weed and I was on an elliptical machine and I just start sending off emails to my manager. I'm like, I have an idea for this thing. It's a big idea. And then the next day I'm not high and I have to go do that. And I'm like, oh shit.
Wait a minute. The notion of smoking pot and getting on an elliptical? Yeah, man, because the music sounds better. I can pretend I'm like in a movie. It takes me out of the pain of like I have to work out. It motivates me. Weed motivates me. I clean my room. I like get things done. I like to go. I like to work out. You're sure you're not smoking? And I think it makes me a better athlete. You're not smoking crack mistakenly and thinking it's weed. Oh, shit. Okay.
Weed motivates me? It totally does. But that is funny about the crack thing because I like smoking weed. People are like, just switch to edibles because I had vocal cord surgery last year, so I should not be smoking anything. It's a horrible idea for me. But I like...
I like it right away. I want the feeling immediately. I want to take shots. Like, I don't want to like sip on wine. Like these are the, I want to feel high right away. So for me, it's the same as like when people, I don't use an oven. I use a microwave. Like, I don't like, a joint to me is like, oh, let's bake this thing and wait all day. It's for me, I want to get high right away. And, but I was, I reached, I remember one of my bottoms and this is my new like kind of rule for myself is I don't smoke out of pipes or bongs. Like I have to roll a joint.
and not I have to roll a giant, I just buy a pre-roll, but like it has to look like cool because I was outside a comedy show once and I was like, I want to get a little high before I go on stage. Mainly because I was like not feeling anxious anymore on stage. And I think anxiety makes me work. It makes me care. It makes me like get my notes together. It makes me go, oh no, this might be bad. And that is what has been such a motivator in my life. So when I got used to doing comedy, it didn't give me that fear anymore and that anxiety and that adrenaline spike.
I would smoke weed so that I'd be on stage like, I'm so fucking high right now. I don't even know what I'm doing. This is like a tightrope walk. And then I'd feel so accomplished that if I killed at the end of it, because it was hard and I like to feel good after doing hard things. But I remember going out on Hollywood Boulevard to get high before the show. And I'm trying to block the wind, lighting this pipe. And I turn around and there is a crackhead hitting the same exact
pipe I have doing the same motion of like huddling trying to block the wind with his coat and I was like there's no difference between us right now I am now being antisocial on Hollywood Boulevard which is very dangerous the strip I was on I was in a puddle of diarrhea probably like you're standing upon someone's star and let's hope it wasn't mine what what
Where is yours? I have a good location. Okay, go ahead. It's all about location. I don't mean to interrupt your story. But having your star is all about, like if they put you in front of the, you know, the 7-Eleven, you're kind of screwed. I'm in front of Musso and Frank's.
So I'm in prime, prime, prime real estate. You could eat off that thing. That's right. You could totally eat off of it. Anyway, but we digress. No, but that was just a moment for me where I'm like, this is something that is antisocial and I don't want to be this guy, you know? And there's really no difference between how...
I need this right now. I don't like to need anything. So although I still dabble in it, I won't hit pipes anymore. It was like too, it was too easy. But I do like that. I don't want to take an edible. I don't want to wait two hours and like feel a little buzz. Do you, I mean, do you relate to that as an addict? Like you want it right away? Well, here's the thing. It's funny that you mentioned pipes because again, going back to my days of being in seventh grade and wanting to be cool with the Malibu surfers, I bought a pipe
and carried it in my pocket to school just to have it. I had no intention of actually using it. Rob, that's so cute. It's really sad. You were just waiting for someone to be like, I have all this weed and I have no way to smoke it. And you go, I have a way. And then you pull out your shiny pipe that you've just been kind of playing with in your pocket all day. That's right. And you went and you spent your little allowance on it. That's so cute. It's really- Just trying to fit in. Just trying to-
at that age? No. Did you feel like an outcast? I didn't surf. I didn't know anything about beach volleyball, which it turns out is a thing. God, you were like living in the Barbie movie. I really was. It really feels like it. Wow. Why didn't you surf? What's wrong with you, Rob? Because I was, well, I just arrived from Ohio. Got it. So I literally was like an alien from the Midwest transplanted to Malibu.
Oh, my God. Just turning 13. Oh, boy. I didn't know. I mean, I had my long Levi's on during the summer. It was bad. It was really bad. I'm from Ohio, too. But I moved to St. Louis from Ohio. So it was a lateral shift. St. Louis is the same. It's the same. It's all the same. Yeah, no. So, yeah, pipes.
You know? No. No. No. It's not a good look. I'm 39. It's just like it's just time to not like I don't want to be a I don't want to be an adult who like depends on a substance to like function. But but I also think that something that has really helped me with my pot consumption, if there's anyone listening who struggles in a similar way I do with whether it's like vaping or whatever you do.
Whenever I am like ashamed of what I'm doing while I'm doing it, like if I reach for that joint and I haven't had one for two weeks, but I reach for it and I'm like, oh, you fucking idiot. You're a loser. You're like, I'm going to smoke the whole joint. But if I just go, looks like someone needs a little something like you're struggling right now. You don't have it's not that you're weak, but like this is something you need and you can't help it and it's not your fault.
I tend to just take a puff or two. You know, I think the anxiety added on of hating myself for doing the thing makes me do it that much more. 100%. So I try to be a little... I try to enjoy it. Like, I always tell the people that are still drinking that still go like, oh, I gotta quit. I go, just enjoy it while you're doing it because it is... There's a reason... It is kind of awesome. Like...
I, it'll ruin your life. But while you're, if you're still doing it, if you're not quitting yet, don't beat yourself up every time you do it. Fucking enjoy it. Well, try to have, because you're going to quit eventually. It'll, you'll never do it again. And so like, yeah, enjoy it while you can. I feel that way. It's funny. I find the same phenomenon. Like I'm trying to cut sugar and, um, which really is the real heroine of life. Absolutely. And if, and, and my, my Achilles is, um, ice cream.
So if I hit the Haagen-Dazs,
and feel bad about it, I'm eating, I find I'm eating all of that serving. Yeah, because the only thing to calm yourself is the ice cream. Yeah, if I go, you know what? I'm gonna have a little bit of this. I kind of fuck it with it. And then I can put it down. I can kind of begin to take it or leave it. But there's like when the shame button gets hit. Yep. I think there's something about that that kind of supercharges the desire for
For sure. Well, because it's it's yeah, I got this whole theory actually from I was going for a while to meetings for food addictions type stuff. And this one woman shared a story of, you know, wanting to avoid sugar. She had the Oreos in the car. It was for her family. And she goes, I'll just have one. You know, she's at a stoplight. And then she just feels so bad about the one that she's now she's like beating herself up. And now the stress comes on the anxiety, that feeling that you try to suppress with your addiction.
And the only thing she has in the car to soothe herself is that. She can't go for a walk. She can't take, like, that was, so don't, when you have shame about the thing that you're using, that you already have shame about, you're going to do, and then she finishes the whole sleeve, you know, or the whole thing of Oreos, when really she could have just said, oh, it's bad that I had one or two. Or like, you know what? I needed that. And let's like, just let,
Just be nice to yourself and then you won't hit the bottom of the carton with the spoon. Um,
Well, the other thing is it triggers... But the reoccurring theme on this podcast is clearly the use of the word fuck. So I apologize too. There's a lot of people who listen that don't like it when I swear. I'm very, very sorry. I'm trying to avoid it as well too. So I do apologize because it is so harsh. And I watched some of my stand-up clips that they send me to post on my socials. And I'm like, can you believe me? I'm foul-mouthed. Like I'm starting to get a little...
Yes, prudish. In my older age of like, you can say bang instead of F, you know? Like, I don't always have to go for that harsh word and it means so much more when you use it less. The problem is, is like what I, what I was saying about, about the, going back to this sugar, is once you have that one, it also, not only does it trigger the shame, but it
triggers a case of the fuck-its. And that, do you know what I mean? I mean, there's no other way to say it. F-its doesn't really work. The bang-its. Bang-its does not work. No, it doesn't work. It just doesn't work. So once I get a case, I'm very, not anymore. I've done a lot of work. I've done all the things that you do. Yeah, yeah. I've done a lot of work. But in the day, and when I'm not at my best, I can absolutely be triggered into the fuck-its. And that is a...
super dangerous place to be. It really is. I go there a lot when I get depressed and I know all the tools to get me out of my depression, but sometimes I just want to lean into it. Do you ever... And not take the meds that'll make me feel better because I go, the meds are just lying to me. They're making me just see the world through rose-colored glasses. I see it for what it is. I don't want... I don't want to be...
into thinking that life is worth living. I know the truth and it's all bullshit. You know, like, I like feeling depressed sometimes and I don't want to do the right thing. And so, that's a dangerous thing too. I have the efforts about depression. Um,
You don't have to answer this. It's personal. Are you on an SSRI or a med? No, I'm on ADD meds, but I take them. I think my depression, I've consulted many a specialist and I think it's it's SSRIs have never really helped me with my depression, but ADD meds have. But it's legit speed, man. Like it's.
There's no different. It makes me feel so good and like everything's going to be okay that I question it and I don't like it. And I feel like I'm doping. Like I feel like I'm Lance Armstrong in life. I feel like I'll be stripped of my medals. I don't want, because when I take an ADD med, I can get everything done. All my emails answered. I love myself. I'm accepting of all the things that I thought I was, that made me so worthless early on in the day. I'm excited to get out of bed. I'm excited to get out of bed.
it feels, it feels like I'm cheating. And I think a lot of people that have ADD struggle with taking meds because they feel so amazing and they, um, but it feels a little euphoric to me. So I have that kind of, um, I have guilt about how good it makes me feel because I'm so used to not feeling that way. And, um, yeah, it, I, I struggle taking it even though it makes me really productive and really happy. Well, I know that if, if, uh,
If somebody comes and finds out that I've been taking SSRIs and doping my life and they take away my medals, they take away my E-Channel Golden Hanger Award for best outfit on the red carpet, I will be mad. I will. I'll be mad. I'm just going to say I'll be mad.
You're right. It's like, first of all, I have no medals to be stripped of. I think I won most dedicated performer in eighth grade, which is just such a low blow. Amazing. We have to give her something. She worked really hard, which is kind of my MO. But yeah, it just feels...
So that's what I'm on. And I take them as needed on those really like low, low, low days where I, you know, I'm thinking of horrible thoughts and then I just have to take them. But yeah, it's good. I'm looking into doing psychedelics, something to. Yeah. So let's talk about ayahuasca. I always talk about. Have you done it? I have not. Me neither. You know why? I'm not.
I don't feel, look, listen, to be clear, you do the California sober. I do the traditional. I don't, I do nothing. Nothing. Mind or mood altering. Nothing. Yeah. So that's psychedelics too. Right. So, so it's psychedelics. So I, but there is a movement of, of, of how that really is, can help particularly with trauma.
Yeah. We know that that is a big thing with people who are suffering from PTSD and trauma. The other thing is microdosing, which everybody is doing. And everybody is swearing by that. Like, I'm on mushrooms. Yeah. All day long. I've did that for a little bit. And it does make, it makes trees look prettier. Like, you'll just start staring at a tree and being like, that is so beautiful. Oh, wait, but that's actual mushrooms. That's like mushroom mushrooms. Yeah.
But it's just slight. Like, you don't even remember that you took it. And it's not like it's, like, starting to drip or, you know, there's not, like, movement. Pulsate. Yeah, it's just, it just is, like, wow, you just appreciate, you feel, like, closer to God, which is sometimes I don't even think that there is one. And so it's, there's got to be something to it. So I plan on doing ayahuasca and puking my trauma into a bucket at some point. But, yeah.
I just never have time to do it. It's like I got to schedule a facelift. I got to schedule an ayahuasca trip. Like, I wonder if I can do them on the same journey. I think you could. I think there's a great plastic surgeon in the rainforest. You go down there and get it all.
Yeah, I'd love to get a facelift in a yurt. I think that's the way to do it. Facelift in a yurt should be maybe the title of this episode. I like it. Let's do it. Facelift in a yurt. Yeah, it's all upcoming for me. So you and Spade have been doing some shows together. Yeah, I met Spade three times.
through your roast. He was the MC for it. And so I think that was the first time I worked with him. And then we developed a friendship. And yeah, he's one of my, I would say closest friends. And we were able to work a deal where we were working at the Venetian together and doing like a residency. And it's so fun because he's my hero. He's like my favorite comedian. And
And not like he is my favorite comedian. I think he's, you know, he's just like the funniest person in person, as you know, like just in conversation. There's probably no one funnier in the world. There's no like Conan Spade. There are funny. There are funny people, but there's no one funnier.
Yeah. No one's funnier. It's like, I just feel, it's almost triggering for me to be around it because you just see the potential of how funny someone can be and you go, I'll never reach that. It's like, it's, it's, he's, it's Michael Jordan. Like, he's just gifted. And, but I love his stand-up so much, which I think is not,
because no one has a bad opinion of it, but yeah, I guess it's underrated. It's underrated because people don't know him for... They don't know Spade for his stand-up. They don't. I mean, he's known for the movies and also his appearances on like Ellen. And sometimes when I'm just like bored, I'll just watch all of his...
you know, guest appearances on different talk shows because he's the funniest. But his stand-up is so good. I've learned so much from just watching him. And it's just so awesome to be... I just do my set. I go first. And then I get to sit side stage. My work is done. And then I just get to watch my favorite comedian from the side of the stage. It's the best. And stand-up, you're just so alone most of the time. So it's really nice to work with him. I love him. I love Spade. He's the best. And that is like a friendship that I could like...
my career could be taken up from me. My medals would be stripped of me and I could still say I'm friends with David Spade. Like, I achieved something because I think that's like a... I don't know. I think growing up and I'm quite younger than him, but growing, which he loves, you know, we know he likes that in a woman. Oh, yeah. I... No, like looking up to... Just always...
loving him from afar and thinking, wow, that just, I know it wasn't like I was like, I want to be friends with him someday, but, um, cause I never thought that would be even a potential, but to, to say that it's like, oh, I've, I've achieved something. I've unlocked something to have one of the funniest people in my life, like be in my phone and someone I can talk to regularly. I think that's like the things I'll take away from this business is the friendships I made along the way with like people that are just heroes of mine. I mean, for sure. When, when, when,
It's like, you know, when a, and it doesn't matter where you are on the totem pole or whatever, or what, or what,
world you're in when the greats, you know, are your friends and you get to... And they're like, it's great. I mean, it's great. When someone says you're funny like a spade, you're funny. He knows. He knows what he's talking about. Yes. Yeah, it's just... I don't even know that he thinks I'm funny, to be honest with you, because all I do is just laugh around him. I think he thinks I'm funny because I laugh at the right things. So he's like, you know, that's a... I don't need to be funny. It just seems like pointless to try to be. Like, we just...
He just makes me laugh so hard. And I'm a good laugher, which is, I think, probably one of the reasons he likes to keep me around because I'm generous with the laughs. And I like to, yeah. And yeah, that is one of the cool things. The fact that I'm even,
I'm even like having a doing a podcast with you. I know you. And if I saw you, I could you would like recognize me and know my name is just such a achievement. I would definitely. In my life. Yeah, it's cool. There might be hugs involved even. Really? No, of course there would. I love that. It makes me feel so accomplished. That's really that and that trophy. The most dedicated performer. Oh, it was actually a trophy. I thought you just wanted it. Yeah, I got a little trophy in middle school.
And I really like didn't realize what a like backhanded compliment it was at the time. I was like, I am. I like really took that to heart. Like I have the most dedication that and that is a nice trait to have. But I think that is explains why I am where I am is more the work than just like sheer talent. It's a little what's the word I'm looking for? It's a little like.
Aw, isn't that- Participation. God, yeah, bless her heart. Trophy. Yeah. She tried so hard. Condescending. Condescending. That's the word I was looking for. Yes, that's the word. It is. Yeah. But I really, it didn't land on me that way when I got it in eighth grade. I was like, I am dedicated and that is something I'm going to lean into. I got in eighth grade, which is equally as, I mean, this is going to just cement the fact that I was a nerd. I got school spirit. Okay.
That's good. That means you're popular. No, I don't think it does. Really? No, no. Why did you get school spirit? Did you really love your school? I don't know. No, you were, that means you were charismatic. No. You know what it was? Why? And I still have it. It's like, I'm always down. I'm like,
Excited, optimistic, upbeat, volunteering, making stuff happen, coming up with ideas, you know, student council. Okay, that makes sense. Because the only things you can be down for when you're that age are school related. That's right. So you just happen to be affiliated with like loving your school when it was really like you just loved activities.
And the popular people were the people who were engineering ways to not go to the school, like ditching and, you know, ditching and, you know, smuggling, you know, their gram of Coke into, you know, to history class in eighth grade. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those were the cool kids.
With the pom-poms on the track, screaming and with that little pipe in your pocket. With the pipe in my pocket. That no one knew about. So sad. It's so, so sad. It's really sad. It's a sad little nerd. You were ready to go. It's so bad. That pipe would have changed everything for you if someone needed it. Wouldn't it have? Where would you be now? Oh, God. Think of the potential. Your life would be so much better. Pocket pipe.
That's the next book I write. That'll be a chapter, Pocket Pipe. I would like to read that story. ♪
All set for your flight? Yep. I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I'll never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm going to leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel. ♪
Qualifying plan required. Wi-Fi were available on select U.S. airlines. Deposit and Hilton Honors membership required for 15% discount terms and conditions apply. Tell me about the masked singer. That was something I got asked to do. Um...
And I was so excited to be asked. I mean, usually when I get asked to do... What'd you sing? Give me your song. Give me your set list. I sang Ariana Grande, Thank You, Next. Jesus Christ. And then I sang some other songs that you wouldn't know. But that's a big swing, Ariana Grande, isn't it? I know. It is. But that song's not that hard. It's like...
It's just thank you. Next. Thank you. Next. Thank you. That's definitely not hard. That's definitely not hard. It was not like an aria. It wasn't an aria. Yes. Anna. You know what I mean? So it was easy. And yeah, I got asked to do that show. I love, I don't know about you. I like doing things that,
make me deeply uncomfortable and like fun little celebrity game shows, like things that you wouldn't get to do if you were just a normal person. So I've done like American Ninja Warrior and... You did Family Feud, which I did with my family as well. How'd you guys do? We... Okay, at one point, we were down like 240 to nothing.
Whoa. And we ended up winning the entire thing. No way. And how about this? We won the entire thing without ever touching a buzzer. I'm not talking about being late on the buzzer. I'm talking about never touching it. And it would always just bounce back to you and you guys would sweep the board? It would. And that's how it... They would win. I gotta see this episode. And somehow screw it up. And we did not, not one of my family ever touched the buzzer. That is, that's gotta be the first time
the first time that's ever happened. That's incredible. We were the same. We did not touch the buzzer, but we only got 13 points and it was like something like 500 to 13. It was so embarrassing. We lost to Bebe Rexha's family and it's so fun to do, but we, yeah, my family really blew it.
We just, it's, it's nice reminder though, because I think my dad, a lot of times we'll watch celebrity jeopardy and he's like, you should go on the show. And I'm like, I don't know, man. Like it's, it's a lot of pressure. I know the questions are a lot easier than, you know, the regular jeopardy, but in the moment you just, when the pressure is on, especially when you're a celebrity and you don't want to seem like an idiot and there's so much more pressure when you're like a known person, I would think, I mean, I don't want to take anything away from the regular contestants, but
I think a lot of... They have trouble finding celebrities for Celebrity Jeopardy because people don't want to look stupid. People are so worried about looking dumb. And by the way, it could be that celebrities are stupid. I mean, that couldn't have anything to do with it, obviously. That's a really good point. But you do... You, like, risk looking...
really, really dumb. But people forget, like, in the comfort of your own home watching these shows, it's so easy to play. But when that pressure is on, when the lights and cameras are on, it was so nice, though, for my family to experience that. Because now, when they mouth off, I go, remember when you flubbed it on Family Feud and couldn't come up with a thing you go up and down on? Or whatever the clue was? A ladder, Dad! You know, like, whatever it was. I now have an example of, like, yeah, thank you. See, this is why you won. I...
because I think sometimes my family just watches stuff and they think like, why didn't you say that thing, Nikki? Like, that would have been so good if you remember that one joke you had. And I'm like, because I, I'm doing my best. And it was nice for them to have to like be in that moment for a bit.
But yeah, Family Feud, I did American Ninja Warrior, Celebrity Edition. I did Dancing with the Stars. I want to do that Special Forces show. Like I'm into doing these like celebrity challenge shows because I'm at that perfect amount of celebrity where I'm not famous enough that I think I'm too cool for it. And I still need the exposure. And yeah, so I love, but I love The Masked Singer. I got third place. Jeez. And it's cool because you like,
You are in a mask, so no one knows it's you. Like...
Singing and thinking you're like a singer when you're not is kind of cringe. And it's not a great look. It's like, ew, stick to comedy. What do you think you're doing? But no one knew that I wasn't a singer. I could have been Ariana Grande in there. They didn't know. Probably not. She would never do that show. But it was nice to just go out there and not have anyone know it was me. It made me do so much better. I was not nervous at all. It was awesome. Who are some of the guesses that they thought you were? Do you remember anything with hilarious ones? Some.
There was, I think, an Ariana Grande guest and like, I don't know, like sometimes like Olivia, like Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo, like people, such huge people, Michelle Obama. No, they didn't guess that, but it's like they always guess people that you go, no, she's not here. She's not. Michelle Obama would never do this show. That makes me laugh about that show. It really is. It's like, I think it's Brad Pitt. I do. I think that Fox is Brad Pitt. They follow.
They finally got him. Yeah, they got him. No. Yeah, they got him. It is the fourth lead from Vanderpump Rules, most likely. It's someone you've never heard of. Why don't you, have you been asked? Masked Singer? Yeah. Yes, but I've been a guest judge. Got it. Okay. Which was fine. Have you done Dancing with the Stars? I have not. Look, I know it's very popular. I know people do it.
But I, that is, in the 80s, it was if I ever found myself at the opening of a Planet Hollywood, I would kill myself. Really? I didn't go to. Well, see, that's the thing. That was a big event. I mean, but see, I know too much. To me? Bruce?
Those were like star studded. I know. But I mean. But you. Okay. So that is the new. The Planet Hollywood opening. Dancing with the Stars is the new that. One on. Oh. One hundred. One hundo pity. It's. It's. But it's. The thing is. It's fun. Maybe at some point when you're like a lot older, you'll finally do it because. When I have a hip replacement and I need to like a challenge. Yeah.
then I'm done. But why does it look like a Telemundo show? Why does it have to look the way it looks? And what with spangles and ball gowns and it...
It is annoying. I wanted to just do a basic dance, but they only do ballroom dancing. It's like follows a very strict format that was, I think it was first, the first show was in the original series was from London, the UK. And they have kept it perfectly that way. And they take it very seriously. And you become obsessed. Like I, I loved it because it was just such a departure from my own life. And you can't really have a life outside of it. You're just training so hard. And you're like, I really thought dancing is my life. Right.
I didn't know how to collect myself after I got a look and I was eliminated first, but I didn't know how to move on with my life after that because you just dance all day long. And I was terrible at it, but I wanted to keep dancing. No one else wanted me to. You're just wearing your... It was so embarrassing. Wearing your Capizio shoes around or whatever the hell people... I kept my shoes. They're still in my closet. I'm like, get rid of these. But I can't let go of that show. It was such a...
It was a traumatic... It truly was a very traumatic experience for me. It will be a chapter in my book someday. Who was in your cast? Oh, my God. It was Mary Lou Retton, who is now, I think, in a coma. In a full-on coma. So sad. Yeah, but, you know, 2018, she was...
killing it out there. I loved her so much. Milo Manheim, Ashante, Alexis Ren. I mean, you don't recognize any of these names and neither did I before I got there. And yeah, it was really, you know, like some people were like dancers, but I was not. And I never danced in my life. And I just decided to do it because I was terrified of it. And I just didn't want to picture myself down the road dancing.
Thinking, God, man, why did you do you thought you were too cool for that? No, you got it. For sure. Listen, I got to do things to make me that challenge me to look foolish. Listen, it and same. I'm not I'm not above. Right. No, I get what you're saying. I'm not above anything. I think I think it would be more helpful if it there it wouldn't take much to de-cheese that show just a smidge.
A hundred percent. I don't know why it stopped. It wouldn't cost them anything. It wouldn't be anything. And it would just, it just would, one little iota less of a barrier of entry for me. I'd love to not have to watch Arsenio Hall try to do the Foxtrot or the whatever kind of like, they stick to strictly ballroom dancing. Like what about some hip hop? Like what about some modern? Like you have to learn these very specific types of dancing. What are we in Downton Abbey?
Yeah. But they take it so seriously. They really get in your head about it. And then they kick you off the show and they don't give an F about you. I gave my show that my life, I injured myself to this day. I'm not recovered from that mentally and physically. And then you're eliminated from the show and they just claw machine you and fuck you.
throw you across the country back to your home. Don't call you again. It really gave me trauma vibes of like sleeping with guys too soon and thinking this was going to be a lasting thing and that I was really important to them because you're a star on the show. It was the first time in my life. It was five years ago that I was referred to as a star.
And so you go, I think I'm a star. You have your own trailer. People are waiting on you hand and foot. And then you get eliminated and they literally never call you again. Even when it was like the finale and they invited everyone back, they forgot to invite me because I was the first eliminated. I had to buy my own plane ticket to be like, guys, I want to be... Jesus, oh my God. It was so embarrassing. It sucked. And I was so scared about being... Because it was on...
Fox or ABC. I really wanted to be squeaky clean because I think a lot of times people think, oh, we can't invite her on our shows because she's not family friendly. And so they were really, were like, we're going out on a limb even letting you on this channel. And so I really was made an effort to be so clean and then
And there was it was the show was live also, which I didn't know when I signed up for. I don't think I would have done it had it. I know it was aired live. But at one point, Tom Bergeron is like interviewing us. And I asked him earlier that day, like, what question are you going to ask? Because this is the this is literally the only thing I'm good at on the show is talking. And this is my chance to like kind of have some kind of control here.
And he was like, I really know what I'm going to ask you. I kind of do it in the moment. I'm like, can you just work with me? Just give me one question. And so I wasn't prepared. So he gets to me and he says, you know, how is doing stand-up comedy prepared you for Dancing with the Stars?
And I was like, well, I'm not the greatest dancer, but you know, in my life in comedy, I've had a lot of rough sets. And I said, rough sets? And he, the whole audience thought I said rough sex. And all of a sudden, the whole place just blew up like, and he steps away like, whoa, we can't even be near her right now. And I go, I didn't even realize what was happening. And I go, no, no sets, rough sets. That's how, that's what comedians call, you know,
And so I go, rough sets, rough sets. And then he comes back to me and I go, I'm sorry. And I go, well, I guess I've had both. And then they go, oh. And I go, oh, sorry. I leaned into the joke you made me walk into. That's right, exactly. And then I was kicked off the next day. So I like to think that I was kicked off because of that, but it was probably because I was a terrible dancer. I don't know. It sounds like the fix might've been end to me.
I think so, too. My parents tend to believe that, too, because they were invited to the show and they said that people wouldn't talk to them the whole time and wouldn't make eye contact with them knowing that they were my parents. And then the cameras were on them the whole time knowing that that was the episode I'd be eliminated on. And they were really mean to me on my first dance. The judges were like, they were like, you look awkward. And I was triumphant at the end because I was like,
you know, I finished it and I thought the show is about like being positive and like overcoming things and you want to watch someone who's struggling like make it. So I triumphantly was like, I'm a dancer. I mean, I was like saying it jokingly, but like I'm a dancer. And the one guy was like, no, you are not. And I was like,
ease up. That was so rude. So they were so mean, gave me horrible scores as I probably deserved. But, and then the next night, which I was dancing for my life, you know, that was the night I got kicked off. You were dancing like you've never danced before. And honestly, I was dancing exactly like I danced before because we were supposed to have a different dance. But because I was such a bad dancer, they made, we modified a couple, we like put some hand claps in it, but it was the same dance
and mine was just a different dress and the same dance. Amazing. So I get to the judges and I'm ready to like have a zinger back at them because now I'm prepared they're going to be mean. But then because they knew I was going home, they were like, you have grown so much and they were so nice to me and I was just like, oh, thanks. And then I got kicked off and then no one looked at me and it was so embarrassing. You should have known. But I will say that I should have known. I'd be smarter now. I was very naive at this time, but that experience was so great because...
It's so embarrassing getting kicked off Dancing with the Stars first because everyone takes it so seriously. I was taking it so seriously. And there's nothing more embarrassing than like, I'm so excited to be here. And like, I'm a dancer and everyone being like, bye. And like first eliminated. It's obviously in hindsight, it's like the funniest way to be eliminated. Because now when I'm on stage, I say I was on Dancing with the Stars and I got first voted off. And so it's like a funny, it's turned into a good joke.
But it was so humiliating, Rob. And it was, I've never felt that level of humiliation of just being, standing up there in a leotard and feeling like old and orange because they paint you and just so exposed and made fun of and then getting told I had to go home. But because I survived that, I'm like,
Nothing will ever be as embarrassing as that. Like, honestly, I've done so many things now that I would have done after that show because if that didn't ruin my life, like, if I can survive that, I can, like, do anything. So I really, um, I learned a lot from it, but it was horrible. But I want to go back so bad. I keep pitching them a loser season. I'm like, have everyone that's been eliminated...
first come back for redemption. And they're like, there's a reason you were eliminated first. It wasn't because we want to see you again. We don't like you on our TV. We don't like you on our network. This is a litmus test if we should give you a TV show and we learned that our audience hates you. But that was years ago. And I've since, ABC likes me again, I think. Not after this. I love the notion of the dancing with the stars redemption, you know, colon redemption. Thank you.
I think it would be interesting, but no one's fighting. That version of it, I'm in. Right. Me and Jeff Ross and Barbara from Shark Tank, all the first voted off. Yeah. I don't know if we could fill 10 episodes of dancing. We'd all get injured on the first one. But I think there's something there. There's something there. Well, when can I see you in Spain? Do I have to go to Vegas?
Yeah, we're doing the Venetian. The dates have not been announced, but we do about four weekends a year. So we'll be doing that again next year in 2024. It was fun. Thank you for coming. It was really fun, Rob. Thank you so much. Okay. I really am having second thoughts about sharing the story of me with the pipe in my pants in seventh grade. I mean, it's really pathetic. Who does that?
Other than me. I mean, obviously I did, but I hope you all still think maybe that I'm cool a little bit because I sure don't after sharing that. Thank you to Mrs. Glazer. Just so much. I could, I could hang out with her for hours. What's that? Oh, it's the lowdown line. Hello. You've reached literally in our lowdown line.
where you can get the lowdown on all things about me, Rob Lowe. 323-570-4551. So have at it. Here's the beep.
Hey there, Rob. My name is also Rob, and I'm calling from just outside of St. Paul. I had a question, kind of a good one, I think. I know that you used to be friendly with, or maybe friends, with Andy Warhol back in the 80s. And I was wondering if you had any great stories or anything you wanted to share about that. Thanks so much. Love the show. Bye.
Wow. Rob, thank you for the question. This is one of those things where I get the question and I go, am I really going to tell the story? Am I really going to put this on the podcast? Maybe there are some things that just are too much for the listener to help with it. So very brief Andy Warhol story. I knew him because he put me on the cover of Interview when I was a young actor of his magazine. And he also actually interviewed me for his cable access interview.
TV show he had in New York City. And at one point I was dating a girl who was his best friend. So Andy and I got to spend a lot of time together for a very brief, intense period of time in the 80s. And we found ourselves at a restaurant where you've been to those restaurants where they have like a it's white paper on the table and then they give you crayons and like you can sort of doodle on the table, paper, cloth, whatever. We've all seen those restaurants.
And Andy was like, I want everybody to draw the best version they can of a pussy. But you can't look at it. You have to cover it up and nobody can see it until we're done. I'm like, all right. So I'm like drawing like this gynecological, you know, explicit, the best version. And we get through it and we, he goes, okay, you go first. And my girlfriend revealed hers and whatever. And then,
I did mine. And then Andy went last and his was a cat. And then I remember him saying that we should all sign our drawings. He said, because that's what artists do. And to this day, I remember thinking I should take, I should rip this thing up off the table and take it. It's an Andy Warhol drawing.
And I didn't have the balls. And I was worried about what he would think of me or if he would see it or I was too cool to do it. I didn't do it. And Andy talks about that incident in the famous Warhol diaries. And when people say to me, do you have any regrets? I always think about not taking my signed Andy Warhol cat drawing home from lunch that day.
Thank you to you for spending time with us, whether wherever you may be, your car, your treadmill, playing hooky at work, lunch break, whatever the hell's happening. I appreciate you being a part of this podcast and we have more to come for you. Never forget next week on Literally. See you then.
You've been listening to Literally with Rob Lowe, produced by me, Nick Liao. With help from associate producer Sarah Begar. Research by Alyssa Grawl. Editing by Jerron Ferguson. Engineering and mixing by Rich Garcia. Our executive producers are Rob Lowe for Low Profile, Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and myself for Team Coco, and Colin Anderson for Stitcher. Booking by Deirdre Dodd. Music by Devin Bryant. Special thanks to Hidden City Studios.
Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time on Literally with Rob Lowe. All set for your flight? Yep, I've got everything I need. Eye mask, neck pillow, T-Mobile, headphones. Wait, T-Mobile? You bet. Free in-flight Wi-Fi. 15% off all Hilton brands. I never go anywhere without T-Mobile. Same goes for my water bottle, chewing gum, nail clippers. Okay, I'm gonna leave you to it. Find out how you can experience travel better at T-Mobile.com slash travel.
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