the morality of ignoring texts, a talk with emma
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Hey, are you getting a little sick and tired of responding to every text message that you get? Is your constant availability causing you a bit of fatigue? Do you feel like you never get a moment of silence anymore, where there's no text ding or phone call coming through? We're constantly expected to be available.

Why? Because we always have our phone in our pocket. Everyone knows that we're all on our phone all the time, right? Like 98% of us, that's a fake percentage. I'm so sorry. 98% of us, I would assume approximately are

are on our phones all the time, have our phones in our pocket all the time. It is very uncommon to meet someone who doesn't have their phone within two feet of them at all times. That is rare. Even when we don't have our phone on us, we have our phone on us. Like my computer, for example, has my text messages connected to it. For those who have Apple Watches, they could be on a run, but they'll still get a ding on their Apple Watch when they get a text. You know what I mean?

Very few people are actually bad texters. You know when somebody says like, oh my God, sorry, I never got back to you. I'm a bad texter. By the way, I've said that. It's kind of true for some people, but for the most part, that's a lie. Like we're all good texters when we want to be.

But I recently had an epiphany where I was like, hold on, I don't know if I can live like this anymore. I don't know if I can constantly be available to everyone who has my phone number 24-7. And so today, I want to discuss the morality of ignoring texts, of not being available on your phone 24-7.

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There's a lot of people that think it's really rude not to respond to texts. Like if we're close enough with somebody that they have our phone number, we owe them a response. And then there's other people that are like, no, we don't really owe anyone anything. And I definitely used to be someone who believed that I owed everyone a response. And I have always been somebody who has zero unread messages. I did that for many years.

sort of out of guilt and this is what I have to do. This is what's morally right to do. Until I sort of had an epiphany that challenged that prior belief. So here's how I personally feel about being constantly available on text.

In real life, when someone confronts me about something or invites me to something, I immediately give a response, right? I'm not going to sit there and be like, I don't know. Like, I believe in communication and being as upfront and open with people as possible. So I sort of brought that mentality to text.

right? Like the way that I engage in conversation and communication in person is how I guess I should do it over text too. What's the difference? But it ended up harming me. Being constantly available for so many years caused me a lot of anxiety and it really like took up a lot of my brain space.

Like, I was constantly thinking about, like, oh, my God, this person from my third grade class just texted me and they want me to come to their birthday party, but I don't even live near there anymore. And, like, I don't even know them anymore. And what is it? And then, oh, my God, like, this person that I met at a party four years ago just texted me and invited me to another party. I don't even know that. Like, what am I going to respond to them? What am I going to respond to them? Should I make an excuse? Should I do this? Should I do that? I don't really want to go. Like, I don't know.

I haven't even talked to this person. I don't even know them. Would we even get along today? Who even are they? And I was spending a lot of energy trying to figure out what to respond to people that I maybe don't really have any interest in

seeing again, which is, by the way, it's okay to grow out of people in your life and be like, oh God, we haven't talked in a few years. Like, I don't know if I need to talk to this person anymore. Or it's okay to be like, you know, I met this person once and I don't really have the energy to entertain this person. I don't really think we're compatible. I don't really need, I don't want to be friends with them. I don't, it's okay to not want to be friends with somebody. It's okay to not want to talk to someone.

Right. But we're taught in person to be nice to everyone, be polite to everyone. If you know someone, you should go and say hi. We're now in this new era where it's like, OK, wait, but what's the etiquette over text? Is it the same thing?

And the thing I noticed was all of the people that I'm struggling to respond to, I don't want to respond to. Their text being in my text inbox was causing me stress. Those are all people that are not in my close circle of friends and family. They're people who I've ultimately grown apart from. People I haven't talked to in a few years or people that I met once that were cool and, you know, they got my number, but I don't necessarily ever need to see them again.

Or people that I'm like sort of friends with, see every once in a while, but like we're not close or anything. It's those people that stress me out. When it comes to my closest circle of family and friends, it never feels like a chore to respond to those people. That always feels easy, natural, and necessary as well. Like I'm not worried about what they think of my response because chances are I'm gonna see them soon.

or talk to them on the phone soon. I have an open line of communication with my family and friends. We're constantly talking and shit. It's so ingrained in my day-to-day life. And then there's sort of this weird category of people who are not in my close circle yet, but I want them to be. Talking to them is also not a chore because even though I don't really know them well yet and I

talking to them is more emotionally exhausting because we're not comfortable with each other yet. I have a strong desire to integrate them into my life for whatever reason. They provide a type of relationship for me that is worth my time and my energy. But anyone who doesn't fall into those two categories, it's often really challenging for me to respond to those people.

I've spent so many years being available to everyone, including people that I don't really have any interest in being available to, you know what I mean?

And so recently I kind of reevaluated my beliefs. I was like, clearly something's not working. And I was like, something's got to change. And so I started by sort of analyzing the morality of not being available to everyone all the time, taking a week or a month to respond to some people, or maybe just sometimes not responding at all. Is that okay? Okay.

And the first thing I sort of discovered was that in a lot of ways, I am introverted. I've taken some personality tests and I'm very 50-50. Now, how real is that result? I don't know. I'm taking a random online quiz. It was actually a somewhat reputable quiz, but like whatever, to find out like my personality type, how introverted I am, how extroverted I am, and all this other info. But

And the results came back and I was 50% extroverted, which means being social recharges me. And also 50% introverted, which means being alone recharges me. I need both.

When I go out into the world and I'm present socially, I go to a bar, I go to a party. When I'm craving that, I'm in an extroverted moment. But when I'm craving alone time, I want to be completely alone. And I think what started to really weigh on me, I...

never fully get alone time because I can always be reached by anyone at any given moment. Anyone who has my number, which includes people who I haven't talked to in fucking five years, people I've met once, a lot of people have my number. Now they can reach me whenever they want. So my alone time doesn't ever really feel alone. And I need that. Like I need for me personally, I need a

alone time where I feel completely fucking alone. Maybe it's the only child in me. Maybe it's that personality test, 50% introverted, whatever. I don't know why, but I need that. And I think most people do. Okay. At least to an extent, maybe they don't need alone time from their close family and friends. Honestly, I don't really need as much alone time from them. I'm dating somebody. They can be at my house all the time. I don't care.

I can be around my friends for days and days and days and it's fine. I can be on the phone with my parents every day for multiple hours a day. And that doesn't count. Like those people, my closest, closest people, they're exempt from this. But everyone else interacting with them expends a certain amount of energy, you know? And sometimes that's delightful and that's exactly what I want. And sometimes it's not.

And usually it's not because I don't like the person. It's literally just because I don't have the emotional bandwidth to do it. My emotional bandwidth to respond to people via text, I think is actually lower possibly than average. Like I have friends that are constantly available over text to pretty much everyone and they're

it doesn't really bother them. They don't overthink it. It doesn't really exhaust them as much. They're definitely more extroverted. So it just, it works for them. And a lot of times it's like a gut instinct. Like I'll see a text, I'll be like, oh my God, I can't respond to that right now.

Or sometimes I'll miss a text completely because I have my phone on do not disturb at all times. And the only calls that come through are from people on my favorites list. You know, anyone else, I'm not getting the notifications. So sometimes things can get buried and I don't even end up seeing texts from, you know, certain people that I'm not close with.

It's challenging because even though I knew this was a change I had to make in my life, like I just could not be fucking available all the time. I feel guilty not responding to a text for a month. I

I feel guilty not responding to a text at all, forgetting or just like never knowing what to say or just feeling in my gut that like I don't have it in me to entertain a conversation with this person. I don't even know them very well. And to be honest, I don't feel like I owe them anything. I worry that I'm hurting their feelings and I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. They don't know why I'm not responding. At best, they're assuming that it's because they're not a priority in my life anymore.

Although I would argue everyone I'm not responding to in a timely manner is maybe not a priority for me, but is also, I'm also not a priority to them, right? For the most part. But still, I do feel guilt. But I would say that guilt is the lesser of two evils for me because the negative feelings...

from being available to everyone all the time was far worse than the negative feelings I have about not being the best responder to everyone all the time.

The way I've justified it is I don't expect other people to constantly be available to me either. People who I'm not close with, people who I've hung out with once, I don't really owe them my time and they don't really owe me theirs. And that's what makes it fair, I think. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. I've seen so many cool products that just don't have a good website. Honestly, they should be using Squarespace.

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Head to squarespace.com slash Emma for a free trial and use code Emma to save 10% on your first purchase. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming. You know, I'm not somebody who loves casually dating. I like to be in a relationship.

Finding somebody you're attracted to is challenging enough, but then making sure that you're compatible is a whole other challenge. Well, Bumble is helping take some of the pressure off. Now you can make the first move or not. It's entirely up to you. Thanks to Bumble's new feature, opening moves. It's a simple way to start conversations. Just choose a question and let your matches reply to kick off the chat.

Try opening moves on the new Bumble. Download Bumble now. The thing about text that's different about interactions in real life is that interactions over text are far more passive and they don't take as much courage, right? Like texting someone and saying, hey, it's been a while. Want to hang out? It's so much easier than going up to an old friend

that you see across the room at a bar or something that you haven't talked to in a while and being like, hey, oh my God, it's been so long. Like we should catch up soon. That's way more challenging and way more impactful. I don't know. It takes so much more effort to say that in real life. Like a text doesn't mean as much in a way, which makes me feel like it's okay to sometimes ignore it. Do you know what I mean?

It's very easy for somebody to type something and send it. It's indirect. And that's not to say that like there aren't some texts that are really deep and meaningful and heartfelt and necessary for connection. Like, you know, if you want to reconnect with an old friend, what, are you going to wait to run into them? Sometimes that's not going to happen and that's unrealistic. So you need to shoot them a text. Okay, fair enough, right? But I think for the most part, texts are much emptier.

There's a lot of empty texts. And I feel like when a text does warrant a response because it is filled with emotion or filled with whatever, you'll see that and you'll be like, oh my God, I have to respond to that. But a lot of times we're getting an invite to a party from someone that we met once a few years ago through a mutual friend.

Chances are they fucking copy and pasted that and sent it to like 10 different people, 50 different people, maybe even. Or, you know, someone you met once at a bar who like, you know, you guys kind of hit it off as friends text and says, hey, want to grab dinner this week?

At first you might read that and be like, I don't know. Then a week goes by and you don't respond and you're like, still don't know. I don't think I want to do that. You don't really decide. You don't really know yet. Then you just end up not responding. I don't think there's anything wrong with that because it's not that deep. You know what I mean?

Whereas if that person that you met once at the bar says, Hey, ever since I met you, I haven't stopped thinking about you. I think that you're such a special person. And like, I, I, I'd be honored to, to be in your life as a friend or blah, blah, blah. And like goes on this hitch thing and then says like, maybe we could get dinner this week. Okay.

Common sense tells you, holy shit, this person really just like put their heart out on the line. I should probably respond to this, right? That's like a fully different sort of thing. And I mean, listen, is it okay to ghost that? I probably wouldn't, but you only met them once. Like how much do you really owe them? You know?

I think ghosting people is not always bad. I think sometimes ghosting can be a really helpful tool, but I think it can be abused really easily. Like if you met somebody once and the connection was never that deep and they text you and ask you to hang out again and you're like, eh, I don't really want to. I don't think you have to respond. I think you can just let it go. If

If they follow up and are like, hey, I'm kind of bummed. Like what the hell happened? Then maybe you could be like, hey, sorry, you know, I just don't think it's going to work. Okay, there you go. Fine. It's maybe better to communicate sometimes, but sometimes it's like, I don't know, unnecessary to like over explain. Like I think it's okay to just not respond. With somebody that you like went on 10 dates with, yeah, you probably shouldn't ghost that person.

But all of this to say, I've arrived at a place now where I'm not available to everyone 24-7 and I don't expect them to be available to me 24-7. This is like strictly for survival for me at this point. Like I don't even have a choice. And if people get their feelings hurt,

I hope that they'll communicate it to me because at that point I'll see that and be like, okay, let me explain to them what's going on here. You know, I can't be available 24 seven. I'm so sorry. I hope you can understand. And also when people are not available to me, I have to accept that. And I have to accept the fact that I might not really know why unless I ask.

But I have benefited a lot from this. I have a better work-life balance. I'm able to get into the flow state easier because I'm not constantly worried about being available. My phone's on do not disturb. If someone needs to get ahold of me who really matters, like they'll get through to me and that's it. But I don't think that this is gonna work for everyone. Like this is my own sort of moral standing on responding to texts.

I think the formula for determining your own text availability is how do you want to be treated? Do you want everyone to be available to you at all times? Okay, well then you have to be available to others at all times. That's how I created my formula. And I think that's just the only way to do it. I don't know. I think the expectation to be constantly available is unrealistic for most people. I really do. I think it's unrealistic for most people. I think it's

really unhealthy. I think it prevents recharge time. I think it causes social burnout. And I've noticed that I'm just much happier not being available 24 seven. So take a look at your own life and decide for yourself. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. October is the time for Halloween masks and costumes, but I want to talk about a different kind of mask.

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Take off the mask.

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Please let me know what you think. I'm so curious. Like maybe you think I'm evil for not being available to everyone all the time. Like some people really, really think that that's not fair and think that that's just like being avoided or something. I don't know. Like it's kind of a polarizing topic, I think. So let me know what you think. Shoot me a DM or a comment at anything goes on social media. Let me know what you think. New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, anywhere you stream podcasts,

I'm on social media at Emma Chamberlain and you can find my coffee company, chamberlaincoffee.com or at Chamberlain Coffee on social media. That's all I have for today. Okay. I'll talk to you all later. I'll talk to you later on my terms. Okay. Because I'm not available 24 seven to everyone at all times. Yeah. Okay.

I love you all. I appreciate you all. Thank you for listening and hanging out. And I will talk to you very, very soon. Okay, bye. This episode is brought to you by Adidas. Whether you're a professional athlete or lacing up a pair of sneakers for the first time, everyone feels pressure. Okay, for me, it started when I was a young tween

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