confrontation, advice session
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Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice. And today's topic is confrontation, which is something that is very important to me. I am a big fan of confrontation.

I will almost always tell someone to confront a situation if they ask me for my advice. Like, hey, Emma, should I confront this person about this? My answer is almost always going to be yes. And my reason for that is I think confrontation is so important, okay? How the fuck are you supposed to learn from your mistake if nobody confronts you about something that you did wrong, right? Like, let's say I said something rude to my friend, but I don't think it's rude, right?

How am I supposed to learn from that mistake unless my friend says, hey, well, you just said it was kind of rude. We learn from being confronted.

In addition to that, I think confrontation is honestly crucial for building healthy relationships. Now, obviously conflict in relationships, platonic or romantic, is very complicated. And when I'm speaking about conflict now, I'm talking about...

ultimately harmless conflict, right? I'm talking about disagreeing about things in a way that is definitely uncomfortable, is definitely serious, but is not dangerous or truly harmful. It might be kind of upsetting. It might be frustrating. It might be even detrimental to the relationship, but it's not dangerous. It's not harmful. You know what I'm saying?

disagreeing with other people is normal and I actually think healthy. And confrontation between two people who care about each other is

is crucial for the development of that relationship. You know, it's interesting. I'm going to go off on a quick tangent about confrontation in romantic relationships specifically. I've been in a few relationships where we've not confronted each other about anything. Okay. Like if they were upset with me, I sure didn't know about it and vice versa. When I was upset with them, I wasn't telling them about it.

We never confronted each other. And guess what? That relationship went down in fucking flames. You want to know why? Because we weren't honest with each other. We never reached a healthy, satisfying level of closeness because we never had the balls to confront each other on anything. We were always too afraid.

And that led to a weirdly empty relationship that lacked closeness. Like we were dating, but it's like, do we even really know each other? Like we didn't feel close. And that's because...

We were both honestly like too emotionally lazy. Actually, no, you know what I think it was? I think they were too emotionally lazy to confront about anything. Like they'd rather just brush everything under the rug. Like they just were bad communicators. And then I felt like diminished every time I'd bring anything up. I'd like bring something up and then they'd be, they'd just kind of sweep it under the rug.

And that made me feel bad because I was like, well, I'm bringing up something that's important to me and they're just sweeping it under the rug. Like that makes me feel stupid. And so then I didn't feel like I was in a safe environment to like confront about things when I was upset. So then I just never did it. Like anytime I would try a little bit, it would get shut down so quickly that I just ultimately never tried again. And I stopped.

And my point of the story is that from that experience, I learned that it's very hard to build strong relationships without confrontation because inevitably in relationships, there will be a disagreement. There will be conflict. There will be, you know, the other person will make you upset. You will make them upset. It's inevitable.

And I think you get closer from confronting each other and learning from it and moving forward. And if you don't have any conflict like that, you just don't get any closer. Conflict brings you closer a lot of times. Anyway, excuse me, I went on a very, very passionate, long tangent about confrontation, but it's not about me today. It's about you. And you all sent in your current dilemmas or

things that you want advice on. And that is what I'm here to discuss. I'm here to give you my unprofessional advice as always. And without further ado, let's begin.

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Someone said, one of my friends hasn't been texting me back, but she's been posting with other people. Should I ask her about it or just let it slide? I miss her and it's been almost a month. This is such a horrible feeling. And for anyone who's going through it right now, it's fucking sucks. Like there's no way to sugarcoat it. It just fucking sucks because it's like one of those harsh realities in life. Sometimes

people will move on from you in a way. And it's just unfair. Like there's no other way to slice it. It's just unfair. It fucking sucks. Even if you did something wrong, technically to have maybe a friend ditch you or stop wanting to be friends with you. Like even if they have a super valid reason, right? Like,

it still sucks. And it's still okay to feel like shit about it and to feel sad about it, you know? But I also think it's important to remember that in friendship, in relationships, we have to respect what others are comfortable with, what others want to do, you know? If someone doesn't want to be friends with you, unfortunately, that's okay.

That's what sucks also about it. That's what is almost even more unfair about it is like, you can be upset. You can be frustrated with them. You can be confused, frustrated.

But it's everyone's right to choose who they want to have in their lives. And the good thing about that is that it's also your right. So if you ever want to cut off a friend and not be friends with them anymore, that is your right as a human being. You are allowed to be friends with whoever you want. You don't have to stay friends with anyone if you don't want to. At least that's what I believe anyway. But with that comes friends leaving you and you having to accept that

This is just something that happens and it's fucked up. You know, and it's very challenging to, you know, understand why it happened without talking to them. And sometimes they're not going to tell you. And it's a fucking mess, right?

Here's my advice, okay? If your friend is not texting you back and she's posting with other people, I think the first step is to accept that right now, this person doesn't want to hang out with you, okay? And I know that sounds really harsh, but that is the truth. If somebody's pulling away from you and they're not hanging out with you and they're not responding to your texts, it's because they don't want to be friends with you anymore, or at least right now. Maybe down the line, you guys could be friends again.

Your friend has already told you how they feel about you right now. They don't want to be friends right now. Now, that doesn't mean that you're not a bad person. You're not an evil person. You're not unlovable. You just aren't working for them right now. You know what I mean? Like, you just don't fit into their life right now. But that doesn't mean that you're a bad person. That doesn't mean... It could mean a trillion different things. Now, my advice to you is to take your friend's actions as they come.

as an answer, okay? Everything that she's doing right now, it's very clear that she wants some space from you, right? But that doesn't mean that just because you have your answer, you have to just sit with that and

You know, I guess that's all the information I got. You know, like, I guess I have to move on now. I don't think you have to do that. I think it's totally fair to be like, all right, I guess this person doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. I'm very sad about this, but I also want to know what happened. It's fair to want to know what happened.

And so I do think you should absolutely confront your friend, but I think you should confront your friend with the mindset of, I just want to know what happened so that I can learn from it and be better next time. Or I can find closure in the fact that it kind of has nothing to do with me and there's nothing I could have done to save the friendship. Right.

So I would say instead of confronting her and being like, hey, like, why aren't we hanging out? And sort of being angry or making it seem like, oh, you owe me as my friend your time. You know, you owe me as my friend, like you owe me an explanation. You should go into it and be like a bit more clear about your intentions. That's my recommendation. So instead of being like, hey, like, why aren't you responding to me? I would say something more along the lines of like, hey, I've noticed that you're pulling away from me.

And I'm not going to lie. It really hurts my feelings. It fucking sucks. Like, I love you. You were a best friend to me. This all has kind of come out of nowhere. It's very upsetting to me. However, I completely respect your decision. Like if for whatever reason you don't want me in your life anymore, I will find a way to accept that because...

you know, that's your right and that's your prerogative. I totally understand. However, for the sake of me learning from this experience, I would just like to know if there's anything I did wrong because this feeling sucks and I want to prevent this feeling from happening again. So if, you know, you could just let me know what I did, hopefully I could prevent this from happening again in the future because it fucking sucks. And there's a chance she might be like,

I feel like when you make jokes about me, like it was actually kind of mean, like the jokes that you were making about me. And I know that you thought that it was like my sense of humor, but actually you're just hurting my feelings. Like I don't like it. Or she might say, I don't really think we have the same interests right now. And like, I want to hang out with people who have more of my same interests right now. Okay. Well, there's nothing you can do about that. Or she might give you no explanation. Like

You kind of have to take the explanation for what it is, but I think asking for it is actually a great idea. And I think in order for you to learn from this pain, you know, in order for there to be a silver lining, I think you have to ask why this happened, you know, so that you can learn from it or you can find closure in knowing that there's just nothing you could have done. Somebody said, is it healthy to confront someone if they have wronged you? Should I just deal with it myself?

My thing is almost always yes. Like pretty much always yes. I think it depends on...

It depends. Okay. I'll give you some examples, right? If your best friend wronged you, you should absolutely confront them. That is healthy because that is somebody that you love, who is very deeply integrated into your life, who you've built a relationship with. It absolutely is healthy to confront that person. If it's your significant other,

you should absolutely confront them if they've wronged you. If it's your family member, you should absolutely confront them. Basically, anyone who you have a relationship with, I say always confront, always. Because again, as I mentioned earlier, that's how you learn. That's how your loved ones learn. That's the job of people who love you. And that's your job to people that you love is to confront

so that everyone can learn, you know? When it comes to people who are no longer in your life anymore, like for example, let's say after you break up with your significant other, you find out that they cheated on you. See, now this is a bit more complicated because this person's no longer in your life. You already broke up. So now you're like, all right, well, this person's not in my day-to-day life anymore, right?

Like, do I confront this person and let them know that I know what they did and how much it hurt me? Or do I just, you know, never speak to them again and let that be their punishment, right? I think in that situation, it's a bit more challenging to decide because I think the answer is not as obvious, right? Like, in theory, confronting them will teach them a lesson. Like, you can't go and cheat on people. Like, it gets...

the news gets around and like, you know, maybe your ex thought that they got away with it. And you're like, I don't want them to think that they got away with it. But then at the same time, it's like, this is not somebody who's in your life anymore. So who cares about making them a better person? Who cares about teaching them a lesson? It might actually even cause you more harm than good to open up that door again and talk to them. You know what I'm saying? And so I think in

In moments like that, confrontation might not be healthy. So I think when it comes to people who are in your life now directly, the answer is always confront. But I think when it comes to people who are no longer in your life anymore, you have to ask yourself, is it going to cause me more harm than good to confront them?

And are they actually going to learn anything? Because if it's somebody who's no longer in your life, there's a chance that they're not great. You know what I mean? Like, especially if they cheated on you in this scenario, like they're not great people, right? So there's a reason why you broke up with them. And it might be because they're just challenging people who don't have a strong moral compass. And if that's the case, it's like,

well, why even call them and tell them, hey, I found out you fucking cheated on me, you asshole. Then they're like, yeah, okay. And they don't even learn anything from it. What's the point? Now you're even more upset than you were before. So I think that's the only time to sort of consider whether it's worth it to contact them again. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. Dating can be exhausting. Even just getting to the dating stage is a little bit overwhelming.

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Somebody said, I found out that my friend is cheating on her boyfriend. Do I intervene? I feel so guilty for knowing this. Okay, here's what I would do. I would start by going to your friend. People might disagree with the way that I'd approach this because I think most people say, stay out of it. Here's the way I look at it, right? If I was being cheated on and someone out there knew that

I would pray that they would find a way to let me know. Okay. I think that that is so thoughtful. I would be so grateful because any minute in a relationship with someone who's cheating on you is a waste. You know what I'm saying? So I would want to know as soon as possible so I could fucking find the next one. You know what I mean? Who will probably cheat on me too. Um, no, I'm just kidding. I've not really been cheated on very much.

Or really at all. Well, it just depends on how you look at it. Anyway, that's a story for another day. So, okay, here's what I would do. I would start by talking to your friend. Okay, because it's your friend who's cheating on her boyfriend.

which is incredibly complicated. Okay. Cause it'd be one thing if you found out that your friend's boyfriend is cheating on her, then obviously you'd be like, fuck, I'm telling my friend. That's my friend first. But this is uber complicated because in theory, you should have loyalty to your friend. Right? So even if your friend's doing something wrong, in theory, you'd have loyalty to that friend. Like, I feel like that's sort of

I don't know, often the mentality, right? Like you never want to throw your friend under the bus. And I think you should do everything in your power not to throw your friend under the bus. Because even though they're doing something wrong, there hopefully is a way that you can empower them to handle this situation on their own.

So that you don't have to get involved. But okay, here's what I would do. I would confront your friend first and say, okay, you're cheating on your boyfriend. And I love you. Okay, you're my friend. But I'm so uncomfortable by this. You know, it's keeping me up at night knowing what you're doing. And

I do not want to throw you under the bus. Okay. But at the same time, I don't know what to do because I feel immense amounts of guilt for knowing this information. What's your plan? Are you going to tell him? Are you going to break up with him? Like, what's your plan? That's what I would do. And some people might disagree with me and be like, that's how you cause a friend to break up.

I don't think so because I think like if I was cheating on my boyfriend and my friend came to me and said, Emma, I'm not going to lie. Like, what the fuck are you doing? Okay. What's your plan? Are you going to break up with him? Like you should break up with him. I'd be like, all right, you're probably right. Like sometimes we need our loved ones to put us in our place. That's the point of having friends. That's the point of family. That's the point of everybody in our lives is

is they put us in our place. That's how we learn. So I think it's not wrong to go to your friend and say, listen, this is making me really uncomfortable. I want to be on your team. I want to support you. And I think that, you know, we can get through this together and I want to have your back. But at the same time, you got to do the right thing because as your friend, I feel guilt about knowing this and I don't know what to do. And then I think depending on how your friend responds, you know, it's tough. It's like,

You know, there's a chance that your friend might be like, oh shit, you know what? You're right. I feel horrible. This is so fucked up. You know, I feel so bad. Like I just, I've been feeling really insecure and your friend might open up to you and tell you why they're doing it. And then, you know, together you guys can formulate a plan and she can go and confront her boyfriend and hopefully they can work their thing out.

that's the best case scenario. Worst case scenario, your friend attacks you and is like, fuck you. Like, why would you, if you were my real friend, you wouldn't care that I'm cheating on my boyfriend. And that's when you have to,

have a much more uncomfortable conversation where you're like, listen, that's against my morals. Like, I love you and you're my friend, but also like, I can't watch you do this and stand idly by. Like, I'm very uncomfortable. And I think, honestly, I think before you go and tell the boyfriend, I think you just maybe take a break from that friendship altogether.

And listen, do I think it's wrong to go and tell the boyfriend? Personally, I'm not against it. Okay? And a lot of people are. A lot of people are like, that's not good friend loyalty. But I think cheating is so fucked up, to be honest, that I personally would consider telling the boyfriend. But before I did that, I... But I also might not. I might not get involved. But my point is, I don't think it's wrong. But I would definitely probably...

I'd probably like distance myself from a friend who can't take constructive criticism. That's probably not a friend you want to have anyway. So I think it's a matter of distancing yourself from that friend if they cannot learn from your confrontation and they continue to do something that is ultimately really wrong to another human being. And I think you weigh the pros and cons of confronting the boyfriend and letting him know what's going on because you're

Listen, again, a lot of people will disagree with me and say that it's wrong to not be loyal to your friend. I think it's selfish to do things that put your friends in compromising positions, compromised positions. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I think being a bad person, doing things that are morally wrong, actually, in a weird way, is being a bad friend.

Because now that's something, that's a secret that your friends have to keep. That's a truth that your friends have to accept. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. So I'm of the belief that like, listen, if I fucking did something illegal and one of my friends like fully knew that I did it, like, would I expect them to keep that secret? No, like you can't, you can't. So anyway, sorry, that's a very extreme example, but that's my point. Okay, next we have someone said,

How to reject someone kindly. He's in love with me, but unfortunately, I don't feel the same way. I think this is one of the most uncomfortable things in the whole world. And it's one of the most sad things in the whole world because it just sucks. You know, it's like most of us have been rejected before, right? So we know how bad it feels.

Although I haven't really been rejected because I've never... I have been rejected, but I think I've been less rejected than most because I have never made the first move. And to this day, I almost never make the first move. So if you don't want to be rejected, don't make the first move. No, don't take advice from me on that because I probably would have had a far healthier dating life up until this point if I had...

made the first move on boys that I really respected and admired, but I never...

would. And I'd wait for them to do it. And then sometimes they wouldn't. And then I'd have to wait for somebody else to come along. And sometimes they were good and sometimes they were bad. And you get the idea. Okay. Anyway, moral of the story is getting rejected feels horrible. And most of us are empathetic enough beings to feel bad about rejecting someone. However, it is absolutely okay to reject. Okay. It is totally fine. It's a part of life. It's inevitable. So it's

I think that's step one is to be like, okay, what I'm doing is not wrong. However, I do think it is important to do it kindly. And I think there's a lot of ways to do it. Like, listen, the hardest thing about rejecting is that if you tell the full truth and if you say it exactly how it is, it's a pretty mean, it's kind of hard not to make it mean, right? To be like, I don't like you. I'm not attracted to you. I don't like you. Rejecting somebody like that, that is very harsh. So, you know, there's the option of being like,

Oh, like I'm just not dating right now, you know, or, oh, I'm already dating someone. Sorry. Or whatever. All of those are options. And that works, right?

When it's somebody that you just like meet at a bar one night and you're never going to see them again, like that type of stuff works, you know, because you're never going to see them again. But when it's somebody that you see over and over and over again, it's a bit more challenging because you like they can follow up on that truth. Like if you're like, oh, I'm not dating anyone right now. Well, what happens if you start dating somebody else? Now they're heartbroken. Now it causes anger and that's kind of challenging. Or if you're like, oh, I'm already in a relationship, but that's

But then you're not, and that's very obvious to them. Like then it's just, that doesn't work. So you can't fully lie like that, right? And it can also be sort of misleading to them to be like, oh, I'm not really dating anyone right now, but thank you. Because they might actually hold out hope and be like, well, they're not dating anyone right now, but maybe they will in two months. And that is unhealthy. Like you need to shut it down completely. And that's the most challenging part about it. So what I would recommend to do is,

Next time, you know, this person who is in love with you tries to make some sort of move, ask you on a date, whatever it may be, you need to say something along the lines of this. You're such a delightful person. I care about you so much. However, I don't think it's fair to let you give me this much attention without letting you know that I don't really see something happening between us.

I appreciate your feelings towards me so much and it makes me feel so good. However, I cannot reciprocate that. And I don't think I will be able to. And I'd much rather, you know, you find someone who can reciprocate that love and that attention because that's what you deserve. And.

And, you know, you make it about them. Be like, listen, this is so sweet and so nice. And I'm so grateful. However, I cannot return this favor. I cannot return this feeling. So encourage them to go find it elsewhere. And I think that that's the best way to do it. The kindest way to do it. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. October is the time for Halloween masks and costumes. But I want to talk about a different kind of mask.

One that some people wear year round or when they're just feeling uncomfortable. It's interesting. I look back at all of the romantic relationships I've had in the past and I have weirdly worn a mask in every single one of them. I think because I've always feared abandonment. You know, if I'm not perfect, if I'm not exactly what they want me to be, they'll leave me. And I don't think anyone really ever got to know me.

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Feeling more vintage than ever? It's out with the new and in with the pre-loved. Next thing you know, you've refreshed your wardrobe basically without spending a dime. Yeah, eBay, the place to buy and sell new, pre-loved, vintage, and rare fashion. Somebody said, my father is a preacher, but I don't know how to tell him I'm not Christian. I'm afraid. This is very challenging, you know, because I think a lot of times...

You know, especially I think religion can be very complicated because it is often the foundation for people's morals and values and beliefs about how the world goes around. And I think to disagree with someone's religion is to, in a way, disagree with the way that they see the world. And that is uncomfortable. And so my advice would be, I think it can start with like small behaviors. Maybe it starts with you being like, you know what, I think I'm going to skip church today.

today. And then get into a routine where you just don't go to church anymore. And if that becomes a problem, which it probably will, and your dad's like, what's going on? At that point, you can be like, listen, dad, I respect your job and I respect your religion. However, I'm an individual and I'm not connecting with the Christian religion. It just does not feel

right for me. And I'm on my own spiritual journey as an individual human being. And I am in no way disrespecting, you know, Christianity or saying that it's wrong. And I have no disrespect for it at all, but I just can't find it. Like it, it feels, it doesn't feel right for me, you know? And I'm so sorry, but that's just how it's going to be.

And you can ask your dad, I respect you as a Christian preacher. I don't judge you. I don't see your religion as wrong. I just don't see it as being my religion.

I completely respect you though in every single way. And I don't want this to be disrespectful to you. It's just doesn't feel right for me. And I kindly ask you to have an open mind about my spiritual journey because it is different to yours as I'm my own human being. And I think that's the most you can do. And I think from there, you know, hopefully your dad's like, you know, I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm

confused because, you know, I raised you in a Christian household and I just, you know, this is, these are values that I hold so close to my heart. However, I understand. And, you know, if you ever want to be welcomed back into the church, I'm here, like whatever. Best case scenario, that's what happens, right? Worst case scenario, I mean, anything could happen, right? And that is something that it's like, you almost have to cross that bridge when you get to it, right? Like I

I think the best thing that you can do is communicate in a way that's respectful of his religion. Because I think that that's a mistake a lot of people make when they have conversations about religion is that they say that one religion's right and one religion's wrong and this and that. We don't know if any fucking religion is any, you know what I'm saying? It's completely naive and rude and disrespectful to say any religion is right or wrong unless it's like a full-on cult that like is rooted in some sort of evil, which does happen.

But do you know what I'm saying? Like, it's all abstract. We can't, I don't know. Like, I don't think it's good to be disrespectful to people's religion. I think the key is to be respectful.

And to remind your father that everybody is on their own spiritual journey and yours just looks different than his and neither one is better than the other in hope that he sees eye to eye. And I pray that is not an ironic joke, but I do genuinely pray that he responds well to that for your sake.

I didn't say I pray like as a joke. Like I genuinely, that, that was like, yeah. Okay. Moving on. Next. Somebody said, I have a hard time communicating my feelings. How do I learn to do this? Well, I think everybody has a hard time communicating their feelings sometimes, whether it's because the environment that they're in, like socially is not super warm and welcoming, or they're just naturally more introverted and just don't like talking about themselves. And,

There's so many different reasons why one might have a hard time sharing their feelings, right? And I think everyone, even the most extroverted person in the world, will struggle at times with not knowing how to share their feelings. But I think what I've noticed is that practice really does make perfect. And I think it's best to practice in the beginning with people who you're not afraid of them judging you, okay? So like, let's say that's your mom.

Start getting into the routine of on a daily basis, let's say, or maybe even on a weekly basis if you're really struggling with it. Talk about your feelings routinely, you know, maybe start with once a week. Like, okay, every Sunday when, you know, my mom and I go grocery shopping together, I'm going to tell her something's bothering me. And I think when it comes to communicating feelings, it just really comes down to practice because the more that you do it, the better you get at articulating how you feel and

the less afraid you are of saying it out loud because you're comfortable saying it out loud. It's easy now. And then slowly but surely you can expand and tell your friends about your feelings more often or your significant other. But I think another tip could be to potentially journal your feelings for a bit. You don't have to do this forever, right? But I think part of the reason why you might be afraid of communicating your feelings is because you don't even quite understand your feelings. So you don't even know what to say.

And taking the time to journal out your feelings can help you understand what you're feeling so that you're not as afraid of saying it out loud because now you understand it. You have it down in words and it's not like you're trying to figure out the words all in the moment. You know, you did that beforehand. You got everything all worked out. And then last but not least, I think surrounding yourself with people who are better than you at communicating their feelings, that is really helpful because that's

you know, surrounding yourself with good communicators will 1000 trillion percent help you become a better communicator because they will help create a space that is safe for you to share your feelings. Whereas if you're around people who are also uncomfortable sharing their feelings and everyone is all bottled up, then how the fuck are you supposed to learn how to communicate your feelings? How the fuck are you supposed to feel comfortable sharing your feelings when no one else is doing it?

finding people, friends, family members, whoever, who know how to communicate. Those are the people you should lean on and spend time with. You know, those people will help you learn. Somebody said, I never feel confident or comfortable asking for help. How do I get over feeling guilty asking for help? This is tough. Part of the reason why I feel guilty asking for help a lot of times is because I'm like,

I tend to feel more guilty about asking for help when I feel like I'm not being helpful to others, right? Like I feel like I don't deserve it because I'm not being that helpful. You know what I mean? So I would say maybe it's a matter of being more helpful to others in your own life, you know, doing more favors for other people when you can. Then when it's time for you to ask for help, you're not going to feel as guilty because you're like, I help people all the time.

But I also think it's important to remember that most people are excited to help. Like when somebody asks me, you know, to like help them, I don't know, like let's say one of my friends wants help like working on a project and they like need my opinion or they want my opinion. I'm stoked to do that. You know, like for my loved ones, I'm excited to spend time with them and help them with stuff. And so I think it's also important to remember that most people are excited to help. And if they have time and they can do it,

they're going to be stoked to do it. Now, I also think that there's a fear of rejection in a way when you ask for help. Like, oh my God, what if they say no? Like, it's going to be so embarrassing. I think you have to get over that. And also even in a way, when you ask for help, you can set up an out for them, right? So that you don't feel like you're pinning them in a corner. You can be like, hey, listen, like I need help with this project next week. If you can do it, great. If not, literally no hard feelings, all is well. You don't even have to respond to this message if you can't do it.

no hard feelings, everything's fine. I think setting up an out for them will make you feel less guilty because you're like, they don't have to do it. Now it's just, it's out there and they can do it if they want, you know? And last but not least, somebody said, how can I tell if the person I'm dating is truly interested in a serious relationship? Well, I do think that there are a few ways that you can tell without confronting, but I do think

you have to ultimately confront them and ask or else you won't know for sure. But I do think if somebody is truly interested in a serious relationship, I think it's actually pretty clear. You know, I think the effort to stay in contact with you, to talk to you consistently is...

you know, undeniable. Like they're always, they're keeping up with you. You know what I mean? They want to spend time with you as often as possible. They treat you respectfully. They're on time to pick you up. They call you when they say they're going to call you. They keep their promises, all of these different things. It's obvious when somebody wants to be with you, when somebody wants a serious relationship, it's obvious. It's kind of like one of those things, like if they wanted to, they would, you know? I mean, I don't always think that that's true, but

because I think people are far more complicated than that. Like sometimes they really want to, but emotionally they're too afraid. Like there's a lot of reasons why they want to, but they won't. Right. I mean, that's valid, but I think a lot of times if they wanted to, they would, you know what I mean? And I, I used to be like, no, but, but there's like sad right now or something. And it's like, no, if no, they just don't give a fuck about me. You know what I mean? Like in retrospect, I look back at all the guys where I was like,

No, it's not like if they wanted to, they would. I think that they want to, but I think that they can't because they are really severely avoidant in relationships, which might have been true, but also I can't handle that vibe anyway. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, my point is a lot of times you can tell if somebody really wants to be in a serious relationship, but in order to know for sure, it is important to ask. And I do think confronting is...

a great idea. You know what I mean? It can be uncomfortable for both people, but it is often necessary to truly know where things are going. Because sometimes it's a curveball. Like you might drop it one day casually, like at dinner or something. You're like,

So what are we doing? Like, we're going on all these dates and shit. Like, what do you want? What do you want out of this? Like, what's your ideal situation? And I think keeping it light makes it way more casual and less uncomfortable and less awkward for sure. And listen, the person might be doing everything that somebody does when they want to be in a serious relationship and be like, honestly, I don't really know right now. I don't know.

And at that point, you have to reevaluate and figure out what you're going to do. But also somebody who's like been really timid and you can't read them very well, they might be like, yeah, I actually think I do want to be in a serious relationship. And you're like, what the fuck? You just don't know until you confront. And I think the key to confronting it is just being kind of casual about it and not making it this serious, uncomfortable conversation. I remember one time a guy I was not dating yet, but I was talking to

was like, he actually asked me, he was like, what is this? What's happening? Is this a serious thing or not? To be honest, I was feeling really like, I don't know. I was in kind of a pessimistic phase when it came to dating at the time. And I was like, I'd just been burned by my ex. You know what I mean? I was just feeling very negative. And so when he asked me,

if I wanted a serious relationship, like kind of like what's going on. I was like, I don't know. And that's all I said. And I look back at that response. And to be honest, I mean, I look back at that response and it was kind of true. I actually didn't know because I was so jaded from my ex and I was angry. You know, like when you get angry at your ex and then every person after that, you're like, fuck you. Like they're almost, it's too soon. So then everyone who comes after is like,

a symbol of them in a way and you're just like mad at everyone, you know, and you end up kind of treating people maybe a bit less warmly because you are upset about what happened to you in the past. Like, it's almost like you're taking it out on everyone else and you're maybe not being as warm, not being mean, but not being as warm. Right. And I did that. And that one ended up working out. Like it was like, you know, he stuck around even though I was like, I don't know. What do you think? And then

But it did end up working out. So that's good for that time. But you know, like you, it's, you just never know what they're going to say. And sometimes you have to be patient, you know, and like sometimes it takes people a little bit to decide and that's just kind of the name of the game. So I think it's best to keep the line of conversation open because like, again, like the example I just gave where that guy was like, Hey, how are you feeling about all this? And I was like, I don't know. And I gave him absolutely no answer because I didn't really have an answer because

We kept the line of conversation open about what we were. And eventually we started dating. You know what I mean? And so then it worked out and it was like, all right, now we have our answer. So I think it is important to be patient with people because they might not have their answer immediately. And if that's not okay with you, then, you know, it's also okay to be like, all right, well, if you don't know by now, then fuck you. And that's cool too. But you definitely have to ask to know the truth. Yeah.

That's all I have for today. Thank you all for hanging out. And if you enjoyed it,

New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. New episode of Advice Session every other Sunday if you really love advice sessions. Find Anything Goes on any platform you stream podcasts. Video episodes are exclusively on Spotify though. Check Anything Goes out on social media at Anything Goes. Check me out on social media at Emma Chamberlain and check out my coffee company at chamberlaincoffee.com or at chamberlaincoffee on social media.

Thank you all for listening and hanging out. I love you all. I appreciate you all. Go out there and confront, okay? Come on. Don't be scared. Go confront. Everything's going to be fine. All right. I love you all. Talk to you soon and goodbye.