cover of episode 247. Can we be friends with our ex?

247. Can we be friends with our ex?

2024/11/12
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Jemma: 本期播客重新探讨了前任能否成为朋友这一话题。播主分享了她与前任的经历，以及对相关研究的理解，最终得出结论：通常情况下，前任很难成为朋友。试图与前任保持朋友关系可能会阻碍疗伤过程，影响新的恋爱关系，并导致持续的焦虑和渴望。然而，在某些特殊情况下，例如与前任有共同的朋友圈或孩子，完全断绝联系是不可能的，这时需要设定明确的界限，以维护一种健康的联系方式。播主建议，在与前任重新建立联系之前，需要进行一定程度的疗伤，以避免重蹈覆辙。只有当双方都能够在新的关系中找到平衡，并且能够设定明确的边界时，才有可能维持一种健康的友谊。 Jemma: 本期播客详细分析了人们试图与前任保持朋友关系的原因，以及这种做法可能带来的后果。播主指出，人们之所以试图与前任保持朋友关系，是因为从一段关系直接过渡到没有联系比过渡到朋友关系更难以接受。此外，在某些类型的分手中，例如关系逐渐结束或双方都认为需要专注于自我提升，人们更容易相信可以与前任保持朋友关系。然而，播主认为，这些想法往往是由于反感理论或对分手的真正原因的掩盖造成的。试图与前任保持朋友关系可能会延迟疗伤过程，并导致持续的焦虑和渴望。播主还分享了相关的研究结果，这些研究表明，对前任的依恋会损害当前的关系，并且与前任的互动通常会带来更多负面体验，而不是积极体验。性吸引力也可能会持续存在，这使得很难将关系完全转变为柏拉图式的友谊。

Deep Dive

Key Insights

Why do people often try to stay friends with their exes after a breakup?

People try to stay friends with their exes because the idea of transitioning from a relationship to a friendship is easier to digest than going from a relationship to nothing. It feels less mentally painful and helps avoid the abrupt loss of an important person in their lives.

What are some types of relationships where staying friends with an ex seems more possible?

Relationships where the couple was friends before becoming romantic, or those that fizzle out without a dramatic event, often lead people to believe they can stay friends. Additionally, relationships where both parties agree they need to work on themselves before being together can also foster the idea of maintaining a friendship.

What are the consequences of trying to be friends with an ex?

Trying to be friends with an ex can delay heartbreak by prolonging the relationship, impact new relationships with feelings of jealousy and mistrust, and hinder the healing process by delaying closure. It can also lead to obsessive behaviors and difficulty in moving on.

How does maintaining a friendship with an ex affect new relationships?

Maintaining a friendship with an ex can create tension and insecurity in new relationships. New partners may feel competition and mistrust, questioning whether there are lingering feelings. This can sabotage the chances of future love and create a challenging environment for a new relationship to thrive.

What are some essential boundaries for a friendship with an ex if it's necessary to stay in touch?

Essential boundaries include not discussing the past relationship, limiting physical affection, only seeing each other when others are present, unfollowing each other on social media, and not using the ex as a go-to person for emotional crises. These boundaries help maintain a clear distinction between the romantic past and the platonic present.

Chapters
The host revisits a previous episode where she believed exes could be friends, now sharing her changed perspective and the reasons behind it.
  • The host initially believed exes could be friends but has since changed her mind.
  • The aftermath of the initial episode led to the end of her friendship with her ex.
  • The experience taught her that people can have different truths and that relationships end for a reason.

Shownotes Transcript

A lot of us try to convince ourselves we can be friends with our ex in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, but is that necesserily the best idea? In 2022 I did an episode with my ex-boyfriend talking about how a friendship was totally possible, well since then it is obvious to say that I have changed my mind, and in this episode I give my reasons, including: 

  • Why we (mistakedly) try to stay friends with our exes 
  • The types of relationships where this feels possible 
  • The consequences 
  • How it impacts our new relationships, self esteem, and ability to find closure
  • How to be friends with an ex if you MUST BE 
  • Essential boundaries for a friendship with your ex

This episode is the only time I have redone/revised an episode so we hope you enjoy. 

 

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