228. The psychology of limerance
42:15 Share

You might not be thinking about insurance right now, but let's get real for a second. Life can be unpredictable, and that is why having the right insurance coverage matters. Aflac understands this. If you're sick or injured, Aflac can pay cash to help with expenses that health insurance doesn't cover, whether that be co-pays, deductibles, even groceries or rent.

Think of it as a financial safety net that's there to help when you need it most so that you can focus more on getting back to living your best life. To learn more, visit Aflac.com today.

The perfect fit starts with an Abercrombie cozy turtleneck sweater. It is super soft. It has the perfect oversized fit for a relaxed but still very chic look. You can also layer it with the A&F classic denim jacket because who doesn't need a timeless piece like that? Or the A&F jeans, which are the absolute best and have that fit that pair with everything. Curate this season's capsule in-store or online at Abercrombie.

Taking care of my body using natural ingredients is an act of self-care. More importantly, self-love when the products I'm using are kind to my skin and the planet. That's why I love using Wilde and their refillable natural deodorant, body wash and lip balm, which are vegan, cruelty-free and use high quality natural ingredients without any nasties. Not only do Wilde's refill scents smell delicious, they're also a great way to

They also have the smoothest cream formula and leave you feeling fresh for 24 hours. Check out some of their best-selling scents, Fresh Cotton and Sea Salt, Ocean Mist and Cherry Blossom. We all know that taking care of the planet means taking care of ourselves and Wild makes it so easy to swap your everyday deodorant, body wash and even lip balm for a more sustainable alternative. Their cases are

100 reusable with compostable refills meaning no more single-use plastics i have the b case for my deodorant and i just need you to go online and see how adorable it is like i never thought deodorant could be so decorative and smell this good wild is truly shaking up the throwaway culture of everyday bathroom products with refillable products that actually work

Get 20% off your order with my code POY20. Go to wearewild.com and use code POY20 at checkout for 20% off all products or head to the podcast Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast to find a direct link on my link tree. Enjoy. Your relationship with food and your body can affect every part of your life. If you're worried that your eating or exercise habits are disordered or you're struggling with your body image, you'll want to check out Equip.

Equip is a virtual eating disorder treatment program created by experts in the field so that you can achieve lasting recovery at home. Equip is covered by most major U.S. insurance plans, and it provides you with access to a care team that includes a therapist, dietitian, medical professional, and a mentor. You don't need to have a formal diagnosis to get care from Equip. So visit equip.health.com to learn more. That's equip.health.com.

Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great as always to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s.

There is no pain, I think, more unique and inexplainable than the pain of unreciprocated and unrequited love. It feels very misplaced. It feels like a lot of people don't really understand what we're saying or what we're trying to communicate when we say, I love this person so deeply and they don't love me back and I don't know how to move on. It is such a

bizarre state to be in we're so used to heartbreak coming from a mutual affection or the pain of loving someone only occurring when they loved you back but honestly I think that it's just as easy to be perhaps in love obsessed or

overwhelmed by your feelings for someone even though they are completely one-sided and in all honesty I think it can really drive us a bit mad it can drive us to become someone that we never thought we'd be it can drive us into a completely strange and confused mental state not really knowing where to turn and

But we do actually have a word for this feeling. As confusing as it may be for you right now, as chaotic as it may be, what you're feeling is limerence. This involuntary, all-consuming sense of love and obsession with somebody who doesn't feel the same way about us. It's this attachment that we can't let go of and it impacts us in every

so many ways and it impacts so many of us, but we, I think, just feel a little bit ashamed to talk about it, mainly because it, you know, feels so much like love for us, but we kind of know that from the outside or to a stranger or a friend, it's

It wouldn't look that way. Maybe we think that we'd be called dramatic or that we're overreacting, we're too sensitive, we're romanticizing things too much. Whatever it is, we feel like there is no place for this feeling, that it's not a valid one to have. But I really do think that it is. I think that it is actually a lot more normal than you would think and that there is a lot of valid explanations as to why we feel this, why so many of us find ourselves feeling

in this state. Let's bring that all out into the open today and really discuss what causes us to enter into this space of limerence. I have my own stories of limerence that will hopefully bring you some comfort as well. You know, when I was 21, I spent about, I honestly would have to say almost two years, maybe a year and a half,

madly in love with someone who was very clear he did not feel the same way and even after I kind of recovered from that that continued into my mid-20s where I would meet people new people and immediately romanticize a very grand future together after the first date and even after the fifth sixth seventh date when it became clear that they were not thinking the same thing I just couldn't let it go

And I don't like to use the word crazy, but it did feel like I was slowly going crazy, like this is not a normal response. The more that I've paid attention and learned about the evidence behind this, the studies, the psychology behind it, the more I realized that actually this was something that was driven by a much deeper need, a much deeper sensation. And

much deeper explanation and now that I'm in this like very healthy happy relationship I can kind of find a balance between I wouldn't want to say like calm and healthy love but sustainable reciprocal love and this like all-consuming passion so let's talk about it today I know it may be uncomfortable at times but I do think that that innate and intense capacity to love is

is something very beautiful and something that we can find a space for. We're going to break down exactly what limerence is, when it was first given a name, the four stages of limerence. I don't know if you know what those are, but also why it is that some of us just feel more intensely than others. What gets us stuck in the cycle? And finally, what

How we can slowly find a pathway out of this state. How we can move on from unrequited love. Even if that idea feels quite painful right now. Even if you feel like you are relying on this person and this emotional state as a crutch. I promise that there is closure to be had. There is hope to be had. And hopefully this episode brings that to you. So I'm very excited, passionate about this subject actually as a fellow person who has

been in a limerent state more than I can probably count, there is a lot to discuss and hopefully you learn something, hopefully you heal something. Without further ado, let us get into the psychology of limerence.

Even if you've never heard of the term limerence before, you've probably experienced the sensation or seen someone else experience it and just not really had the label. Limerence at face value may be seen as a kind of unrequited love where we feel intensely about someone who does not reciprocate. It is a lot more than that, though.

For the people who are experiencing it, it is a deep and sometimes intrusive obsession with this person. And it feels so, so similar to passionate love, maybe even mutual love. But it has this melancholic undertone that you know this person doesn't feel the same way. You know this is not someone you can hold on to who will return the feelings. And yet despite that knowledge,

There is not much that you feel is in your power that you can do to move on. You may have tried many, many things. None of it has really worked.

So the term was created by the psychologist Dorothy Tinov in 1979. So kind of actually a lot further back than you might expect. Dorothy is actually a really fascinating woman because she spent a great deal of her life basically wanting to understand love, the different kinds of love we experience, how love differs between us, the science behind love, desire, compassion, passion, all of those things.

And it was through that kind of scientific exploration and work that she started interviewing people for her second book, which was very appropriately titled Love and Limerence. And she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love. She got their testimonials. She had them answer, you know, questionnaires, surveys. And from this extensive data,

What she saw was that there was the typical kind of love that we would expect called amorance, where people are kind of equally in love with each other. They're set on building a life together. It's, you know, very reciprocal. And then she also identified this state of limerence, which she hadn't really, you know, nobody had really given it a label before. It was this combination of infatuation, lovesickness,

passionate love and what very much felt like romantic love to the people experiencing it, it just wasn't fulfilled.

Actually, most researchers would actually say that limerence has a lot in common with passionate love. And we should note that, you know, the word passion initially meant agony, which kind of goes to show that there is a lot of agony in this situation. There is both a beauty and a pain kind of intertwined with the state of longing and love.

In fact, actually, there was further research on this kind of emotional experience, which seems to determine that the very unattainable nature of our goal of being with this person is actually what makes the state of limerence so powerful. The fact that we know deep down that we can't have it.

That is one explanation and there's also the other explanation that because we are given occasional positive reinforcement, you know, someone looks at you from across the room, they text you back every now and again, you get to see them occasionally. That positive reinforcement actually keeps the hope of your affection alive. You think that it might eventually be realised and

To further see this kind of inaction, this state of longing that seems to contribute to itself, that seems to grow on itself based on occasional positive reinforcement, we also need to explain the four stages of limerence, which are attraction, obsession, elation and frustration, and finally resolution, which is

is not so much as a stage, I guess, but where we exit the cycle, where we finally heal or move on, which is very much possible. I want to make sure that that is very clear and articulated. It is very much possible to move on from limerence. Let's talk through these stages, though.

So attraction is when that kind of intoxicating spark first connects you to. Maybe it's a first date where you felt an instant bond or particularly deep conversation, something that is emotionally connected you in a way that makes you see potential and really fall for this person. It feels, again, very similar to falling in love. The euphoria, the adrenaline, constantly thinking about this person and

And what that leads to is obsession. Your thoughts become consumed with this person at work, at school, when you're driving, when you're with your friends, when you're zoning out. You're always kind of in this fantasy scenario or rethinking something that has occurred. You bring them up in conversation as often as possible. You're thinking about all the ways that you could potentially see them this weekend and

Their kind of words and actions are also constantly being analyzed for signs of interest or rejection. You know, did they text you back a little bit quicker today? Did they linger? Was that song on their Instagram story about you? Did they talk to you a little bit differently? Your mood suddenly becomes heavily dependent on their perceived reactions to you.

This is when we kind of get to the state of elation and frustration, otherwise known as kind of the emotional rollercoaster stage, which may be all familiar to some of you. You kind of alternate between feeling infatuated and validated to exhausted and hopeless. It's been likened in this way to kind of an emotional drug addiction that is insatiable and

and uncontrollable. You have these crushing lows followed by these hugely euphoric highs and you start to feel more desperate for those highs but also more distressed when you don't receive them which I think is basically your mind starting to pick up on the fact that this is a state of longing, this is an inconsistent relationship, this is an inconsistent bond and

And it doesn't really know where to place that. It doesn't really know what to do with it because the pursuit, the chase feels so addictive. And sometimes that state of elation and frustration, that state of longing can last up to, you know, three years.

That was one of the figures that really shocked me from this initial research was how sometimes it even outlasts love. Our state of limerence can outlast the love that occurs in a relationship. But what we really and seriously need to start steering towards when we get to that state is

Three years of not much, of nothing, of wishful thinking. That's when we really need to start seeing a resolution. Either, you know, I'm going to say the least likely possibility here, and I know it might be upsetting, but either, you know, a mutual relationship does eventuate, which I do think is unlikely.

Or we do start to see, you know, our link and our bond to them gradually fade. Our brain basically is like, okay, we need to find a way through this. We cannot stay in this state for the next three, six, nine, 12 years. It gets bored of it. It gets bored of longing.

Basically, no matter what happens, we cannot stay in a perpetual state of longing for that long. Eventually, and hopefully this brings some hope and positivity here, we do kind of realize that we deserve more. We do kind of want to put our attention towards someone who is going to reciprocate our

affection, our adoration and our time, something will trigger you to move on. I remember this very clearly what this was for me when I was in a limerent state a few years back. And I'd spent, you know, months basically like begging some universal higher power to like, please, please

Please let me move on. Please let me see some clarity in this situation. Please let me be more logical about this. And I was genuinely desperate. And what actually ended up helping me was I saw this person again. I hadn't seen them in, you know, a while, probably over a year. And upon finally seeing them, I was just kind of like, oh my gosh, you are not what I expected you to be.

you are not who I wanted you to be I built up this whole fantasy and I think it's ready that I you know give myself what I deserve and I try and process this and it did take a few more months but it was one of those things where once I had the opportunity to leave the situation and come back into it and see that it really wasn't a connection it wasn't anything more than infatuation and obsession on my behalf

I was like, okay, I have permission now to realize that this is never going to eventuate and it's time to move on. There are a few other things to note about limerence, but beyond just the four stages. Limerence is at its core involuntary. You cannot make or force yourself into a limerent, obsessive, infatuated state.

It's almost like there is some underlying pull towards this person, how you're feeling. And some would suggest that that's actually a result of how dopamine and serotonin circuits are wired in the brains of those who experience limerence more often. Limerence has been related to

And we know this from a series of studies conducted by the anthropologist Helen Fisher. And Helen Fisher, she actually passed away last month, which is quite sad. I hope she's enjoying whatever eventually awaits us in death. Because, you know, she was a pretty remarkable lady. She was one of the first people to prove that love.

love and with that limerence is hardwired into the brain her and her co-authors basically drew on brain scan evidence that showed that romantic love is you know associated with dopamine which is associated with certain addictive i don't know if it's addictive cycles but addictive underlying systems in the brain

And love can be a positive addiction when it is requited and it's a negative addiction when it's unrequited or inappropriate.

And that kind of explains why, you know, when you are in a state of limerence, you are experiencing a negative addiction. You're experiencing something, you know, deeper than your conscious awareness of like a full dopamine system that is working against you to keep you attached to this person.

The second thing to note is that limerence sometimes does blind us to faults or flaws of the person that we desire. And there was another series of studies conducted in 1999 in which the main researcher found that the dominating similarity between people experiencing limerence was that no matter how hard they tried...

They just could not point out anything that made this person unattractive, even when it was pointed out to them, even when it had to do with what this person was making them feel. Like, surely this person isn't all that great considering you're pretty hung up on them and pretty upset and distressed and almost in agony. And they would say, well, no, no, no, that's not them. It's just, you know, the circumstances. We have this blind relationship.

loyalty to their greatness, which is a very hard illusion to break. And the final thing that I think is important to note about limerence, it is normally based more on an emotional desire rather than a sexual desire, which is really what distinguishes it from lust and

If you are in a state of limerence, you'll probably relate to wanting to just simply hear from this person, to connect with them, to talk for hours, to see where your relationship could grow rather than just wanting them to be attracted to you or just wanting to have sex with them. It's what really puts it more in the realm of romantic love for me. You care the way you would care for a romantic partner or someone that you've known for a lot longer. And that's what makes it very mentally and emotionally complex.

complicated. And, you know, if you've never experienced this, it can be really hard to understand. You know, how could you continue to be so intensely into someone, obsessed with them, when they have no interest in you? You know, they have no interest in being with you. Surely that's illogical. And yet, it's not. And yet it makes a lot of sense and it happens to a lot of us. They are able to shape your daily mood, your actions, your thoughts, your feelings. And there's this big underlying question of why.

Why? Why is this happening? And I have a few explanations for you.

limerence is really a mixture of biological psychological emotional and environmental factors but above all else it is just mental activity it is not a sign from above that you're meant to be together that you shouldn't quit on them don't give up your obsession and infatuation is not hinting at destiny it is basically an interpretation of events rather than the events themselves because basically your brain is trying to find a way to make this work it's holding on to the fixation

because of the slimmest chance of possibility that it perceives rather than if there is actually possibility to be had. We, of course, already know about the neurological and biological kind of origins or causes, some would say, you know, the relational patterns that mimic and create addiction. The other significant factor is our attachment style. And we hear a lot about this, so I will keep it kind of short and simple. But our early ways of learning how to bond with another human, usually our parent, are

is going to go on to influence our behaviours around bonding with others as an adult, both platonically and romantically. If that childhood relationship you had was somewhat disturbed or what we would call disorganised, you may continue to seek out that same pattern of attachment and relationship later on, later on when you're pursuing a romantic interest.

Perhaps you're looking for someone, you're constantly, you know, very attracted to people who are hot and cold with you, who are unreliable because you are seeking to finally have a situation where you can change them, where you can make someone love you.

If you are quite anxious, this can also lead to that same fear of rejection and obsessive behaviors that is very characteristic of limerence where you tolerate the mixed signals or you let it fuel your desire to be closer to them because you don't want to face the alternative, which is a life without them. And that really exacerbates a lot of the clinginess, a lot of those intrusive thoughts.

it may also come down to a subconscious avoidance or emotional unavailability on your behalf, which you might not expect. You might think that the person who is not reciprocating is the one who is emotionally unavoidant. But for people with an insecure attachment style, being in love with someone who won't return those feelings actually means that they can stay in a distant relationship without making any other real connection.

you know, loving someone and being loved in return, it does require a lot of vulnerability. And you have to accept that this is two-sided, that there is risk and reward, that actually you could be hurt. Love, inherent in love, is a possibility of hurt.

But when you stay stuck on unrecollected love or in a limerent state, this allows you to kind of remain in the safety of a pseudo relationship that can never be real, that will never require you to be truly vulnerable, that, you know, the biggest risk is that you fall out of love with this person.

without ever actually, you know, experiencing the true depth of love and you don't actually have to commit to them. So what this one author says is that actually maybe limerence is protecting us from having to be, I don't know, attached or fall in love with someone who will reciprocate and who will force us to finally accept and be in the presence of healthy love.

This is obviously a huge general assessment and I will say it's not true for everyone. There are a lot of people who experience limerence but have experienced healthy love just as much. Like we mentioned before, you know, it's very different for each of us and it's also not something that you can sign up for. So there are unconscious mechanisms at play that drive you into those specific situations and an insecure attachment style may be one of them.

It may also be more common or more likely that you are someone with a very real vivid sense of fantasy, imagination. You're very romantic, sentimental. You dream so, so big about the potential or the life you have with someone that it just feels like that is very much something that could come true. That it's not a hypothetical anymore. You can

you know, feel the Sunday mornings that you wake up together and cook breakfast. You can picture your future children. You can smell that vacation in Fiji and that you're going to go on. Like it's very, very vivid for you. The future that you have with them is very vivid. And it's that imagination that really gets you hooked, that gets you invested. There is this potential. And since you can imagine it, surely there is a reality that

where it could be real if only they thought like you, if only they could see this like you, then you guys could be something. The final explanation that is so important for me to mention here also comes down to ADHD because ADHD and limerence, I don't know if you could say they mix very well or not well at all, but either way, they are very much...

If you think about limerence and ADHD, they have quite a few things in common, right? Hyper focus, rejection sensitivity, emotional dysregulation when it comes to this person. Limerence is also essentially a hyper fixation that can only heighten those obsessive and recurrent patterns of thinking.

I thought this person's description to an online magazine called Attitude. It's a quarterly journal on advancements and articles to do with ADHD. Really worth checking out if that's something you struggle with. But I thought that this person's description was really just the best way we could describe it based on her lived experience.

Falling in love is immediately all-consuming for me. My hyperfocus and fixation are insane. I lose hours, days, weeks, and months to my obsession. And then at some point, the dopamine runs out and my fixation lifts. I realize the person I've been obsessed with is just that, a person, and I withdraw. When the magic of dopamine is lost, seeing the other person clearly is often crushingly disappointing.

disappointing because there's no way they or anyone could ever be the permanent dopamine high I'm constantly seeking and disappointing because once again, I've completely lost myself to this obsession. I will say this thing of no one could ever be the permanent dopamine high. I get that. And I do really, really, I think, empathize with that feeling that, you know, you cannot be in that constant state of obsession and love for your entire life.

But there is something uniquely more beautiful about a love that is calm and about a love that does not always have to make you excited because it is just a constant. And often excitement and anxiety are very interlocked. So we start to confuse them. And I do think that the older you get, the more you realize that there is a lot of conflict.

There's a lot of things that can bring you happiness and dopamine and love is definitely one of them. But above all else, we really want it to bring us serenity and peace, like I said before. Here is what another person had to say about this, about the interactions between ADHD and limerence. My crushes occupy a large portion of my thoughts and they make it hard for me to concentrate. I've even experienced falling in love with someone I didn't even like.

It is like getting on a bus from which I can never disembark. And that analogy, I think what she just said is spot on. She said it so perfectly. It's a ride that once you get on, involuntarily get on, you feel like you can't get off. And the emotional consequences of that can be really, really scary, really quite scary and quite profound, frustrating at times.

You feel, of course, deep emotional turmoil, excitement and joy that suddenly turns into despair and longing. And you kind of feel pushed and pulled between those two states constantly. So there is never a balance. There is never a steady state that lasts for that long.

Then there is the low self-esteem because your feelings haven't been reciprocated and you begin to think that reflects something about you when it doesn't. It truly doesn't. It just comes down to what this person wants and that's something that you can't control. You continue to have value whether they want a relationship or not. You continue to have value despite what happens to that connection.

There can also be a degree of isolation as well, not wanting to share what we're experiencing with others because we feel embarrassed to admit, you know, that we're so caught up.

in this situation. And people who don't experience limerence, I think, just don't quite understand the intensity. They don't quite understand the wishful thinking, how you, you know, eventually you do want to get over this. You are tired of being in the state, but it's not as simple. That's not how your brain operates is, you know, being like, okay, I'm ready to move on. And then you move on. I don't know if anyone can possibly do that.

Eventually though, and this is the good news, you do get to a place...

of kind of exhaustion of wanting it to be over and I think that is when the path out starts to become a bit more clear when we are I think truly at our lowest with the situation is when we start to see hope it is possible to recover from limerence to one day be in a place where their name doesn't make you jolt doesn't give you those adrenaline spikes you're not waiting for the text back

That is very, very possible. And I want to talk about some of the steps we can take to do that, to realize this after this short break. A perfect day when you're feeling your best, you're ready to get out the door, always starts with an outfit from Abercrombie. My favorite jeans are a staple. They are the Abercrombie low rise baggy jeans. Let

Let me say this, they have the perfect fit, which is loose but still looking nice and impossible ask these days and they go with everything, including the Abercrombie Cozy Turtleneck Sweater, which is so beyond soft, has the perfect oversized fit that is very hard to find but also timeless.

You can also pair with a staple A&F denim jacket. Those are the pieces that you can wear over and over again. They never go out of style. I think we could all do with a few more classic pieces like that in our wardrobe and you can find them at Abercrombie. There is just so much to mix and match. Curate this season's capsule in-store or online at Abercrombie.

Taking care of my body using natural ingredients is an act of self-care. More importantly, self-love when the products I'm using are kind to my skin and the planet. That's why I love using Wilde and their refillable natural deodorant, body wash and lip balm, which are vegan, cruelty-free and use high quality natural ingredients without any nasties. Not only do Wilde's refill scents smell delicious,

They also have the smoothest cream formula and leave you feeling fresh for 24 hours. Check out some of their best-selling scents, Fresh Cotton and Sea Salt, Ocean Mist and Cherry Blossom. We all know that taking care of the planet means taking care of ourselves and Wild makes it so easy to swap your everyday deodorant, body wash and even lip balm for a more sustainable alternative. Their cases are

100% reusable with compostable refills meaning no more single-use plastics I have the B case for my deodorant and I just need you to go online and see how adorable it is like I never thought deodorant could be so decorative and smell this good wild is truly shaking up the throwaway culture of everyday bathroom products with refillable products that actually work and

Get 20% off your order with my code POY20. Go to wearewild.com and use code POY20 at checkout for 20% off all products or head to the podcast Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast to find a direct link on my link tree. Enjoy. Your relationship with food and your body can affect every part of your life. If you're worried that your eating or exercise habits are disordered or you're struggling with your body image, you'll want to check out Equip.

Equip is a virtual eating disorder treatment program created by experts in the field so that you can achieve lasting recovery at home. Equip is covered by most major U.S. insurance plans, and it provides you with access to a care team that includes a therapist, dietitian, medical professional, and a mentor. You don't need to have a formal diagnosis to get care from Equip. So visit equip.health.com to learn more. That's equip.health.com.

Did you know that when it comes to gut health, dairy can work wonders and that when your gut is healthy, your body and your mind feel it too? There are so many benefits to adding dairy into your diet, but here are just a few. Fermented dairy foods like yogurt and kefir can deliver probiotics that benefit your gut microbiome and a healthy gut can help minimize inflammation and keep our immune system strong.

Plus, eating dairy foods can help you feel full, satisfied and balanced. And who doesn't want that? Now, if you're thinking, not me, I'm lactose intolerant. I have got great news for you because there are tons of dairy foods that you and your gut can enjoy without any of the digestive disruptions you might be expecting. Yes, your favorite foods like yogurt, natural cheeses and kefir, they are naturally lower in lactose than

It's all about starting small and learning your own tolerance level. And whilst dairy is nutritious, it's also delicious. So don't let lactose sensitivity get in the way of a healthy gut because your body and your mind will be so much better for it. This ad is sponsored by Undeniably Dairy.

When I asked you guys all over on Instagram, what do you want to know about limerence? The number one thing you asked me was, how do I intentionally move on? How can I stop limerence from influencing a relationship in the beginning? How can I bring this under my control? You know, there were stories from you all about how you've been miserable for months, even years, sometimes over short relationships, crushes, people you've only met a few times. Again, it wasn't a choice for you. Your brain has...

obviously seen some possibility in them that it's gotten attached to and it's gotten attached to that chase, that roller coaster that does bring a lot of dopamine. But we do want to bring our limerent states back into our control as much as possible so we can see ourselves clearly, see the person we admire clearly, the relationship clearly, and then hopefully see other opportunities and other options for us.

If you want to know first off whether there is a basis for your limerence or not, or maybe a better way of saying this, whether what you're experiencing is love or amorance. Firstly, do a quick evaluation of the relationship. Is there commitment? Is there a label? Are they reciprocating? Is there a sense of continuity such that in two weeks things aren't going to drastically change? You can rely on them. You know that they can rely on you, that they care about you,

I think in that instance, maybe especially in the beginning, this is a sign of mutual affection that is growing into a relationship. If it is the opposite of that, that is when we know that perhaps what we're entering into is limerence. If you feel like you can't really trust your evaluation, like even though you know it's limerence, you are still fully invested, really forcibly override your desire to be in close contact with them. Override your desire to reach out, to check in, take a few big steps back.

And I know it sounds simple. I know it's advice that is often given, but you need to go no contact. It is the tried and tested best strategy, even if at times it requires superhuman strength and discipline and sacrifice. Sometimes it does require sacrifice. But what you've got to do it for is not for yourself right now, but for your future self. Your self in six months, who's going to be six months further into the healing process.

Rather than just starting out, thank you to you. Thanks to your current self who is taking on the burden and the pain of starting sooner.

Schedule in a one month period of time, even two weeks if you want to start small, where your contact is super minimal and notice whether the emotional roller coaster begins to slow a little bit, begins to take fewer leaps. Chase that feeling, the feeling of peace, serenity, control over what you're experiencing. I think that first week or period of withdrawing from your love interest is

It's going to be quite revealing because like we've said, it's like a withdrawal from a drug source, which is how I think a lot of people would explain it. In the immediate period afterwards, everything will suddenly get perhaps more intense because all that dopamine you feel in response to small messages or interactions with that person are fading. They're less accessible to you. And then eventually you'll feel like a bit of balance is restored and it won't come all at once, but it will be one day at a time.

It's also during that period where we want to practice what I like to call replacement therapy. You know, we can do that for substances like nicotine. We can also do it for limerence. There are a couple of, I would say, compulsions that go hand in hand with limerence. So social media checking, finding ways to run into them or hang out with them, even at the expense of your own plans. This is what we would call proximity seeking behavior, repetitive thinking, getting stuck in daydreaming or fantasy, etc.

And what we want to do is have a substitute for those behaviors because all of them are continuing to, you know, exaggerate the cycle, continuing to keep you in the cycle of limerence. So a substitute could be a mindful distraction. You could literally doodle, you could do five pushups, you could listen to a meditation, you could go for a walk and leave your phone at home when you feel the desire to reach out.

Even better are activities with friends where they can be the sole source of our attention. We can pour our love into them and it will be reciprocated. There is something about platonic friendship, you know, laughter, shared time, that can be the best distraction from our intrusive reflections or affections. And it can really also stop us from self-isolating, from withdrawing, which only

only really contributes to our state of longing because the only thing we can think about is this person. When you build up your other relationships and you invest in them, I think your limerence starts to feel smaller and less important amongst these constant giants of love, which is friendship, family, connection.

It's also really important to create things to look forward to with your friends that don't place this person at the center of your universe. And that may also involve finding space from the situation that you combine with those wholesome activities with friends. You know, book an Airbnb for a weekend trip with your friends, one with a pool, one with a big backyard, maybe near a beach.

And just make memories that revolve around the people who are constants in your life, who you adore, who are consistent, and most importantly, who reciprocate.

This is also really important at the beginning of a relationship. You know, if you're someone who feels like limerence always bulldozes every opportunity you have to get to know someone slowly and purposefully, like you just feel the need to rush in, you can actually create deliberate time blocks for yourself. You know, speed bumps almost, activities that you have planned in advance, and

Events where, you know, they're not going to be there so that you get a break from them, from the intensive thoughts, from the drive to see them, be with them constantly. The other big way to bring limerence back into your control is to really be quite bossy and direct with your irrational thoughts. So the irrational thoughts that often accompany limerence are things like

they are the one for me, I can't be happy without them or they will eventually feel the same way. If I just try harder, they will realize that we're destined for each other. You know, they're perfect. I'm the one who's not good enough.

This is true love and if it's over, I'll never recover. I'll never find anyone better. These thoughts sound really believable when they're coming from us, when we're the ones thinking them, because of course we trust our own judgments and intuitions. But you have to remember, just because you think something doesn't make it real. A lot of the time those thoughts are based off fear, faulty information, false expectations, and that is what is contributing to this limerent state.

Don't let these thoughts steer the ship. Interrogate them when they come up. I'll use the example of they're the only one for me. I can't be happy without them. That's a common one.

This thought is often what keeps us solely focused on this one person, even when better people come along. But if we replace that thought with, there are many other people out there who would love me and probably better than this. This is not the only person who completes me. Love is a union. Love is a collaboration. I deserve this to be reciprocated. Then we start to slowly, I think, wake up to the fact that we deserve more. The same goes for a belief like, if I just try harder,

soon they'll realize that I'm meant to be with them, that we're destined to be together. What I want you to really replace that thought with is, you know, would true love really make you work this hard? Would true love really require you to prove yourself? Would it be this much of a struggle? You know, I don't know about you, but I don't hear many love stories from people who were kept on the bench for years. I don't hear many love stories from people who, you know, for half a decade were not given the love and compassion they deserve.

only for someone to change their mind and suddenly they have this flourishing relationship. I'm sure it does happen occasionally but if you've ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You there's this line in the movie that says you've got to remember that you are the rule not the exception.

Don't let the promise of being the exception keep you in the same place for months or years. We could also benefit from practicing some psychological deprogramming or reprogramming that takes this love interest off the pedestal. One useful tactic to kind of trick your brain into devaluing this individual is to focus on what you don't find desirable, even if you have to force yourself to search for it.

You know, when you are in the company of this person, focus on either things that are a flaw. Fixate on the flaws instead. The basic goal, I know it sounds kind of mean, but the basic goal is to basically counter your brain's attempts to idealize this person by feeding it negative data instead. You can also focus not just on their visible qualities, but also your own internal response to them.

Sometimes we want to avoid thinking about the shame. We want to avoid the guilt, the sting of rejection, the hopelessness. But do the opposite. Tune into it. Make sure you can name what's caused it. It's this person. It's your perception of them. It's your relationship with them. Sometimes the only way out is truly through. You have to explore these emotions as uncomfortable and dark as they may be.

to finally get to the resolution stage. My final tip is to find closure in any way possible and the best way to do this is to seek closure from your person by mustering every sliver inch drop of confidence and courage you have and asking them is this ever going to be what I think it could be? Are you interested in me? Will you ever be interested in me?

This is definitely the final nuclear option and it might seem catastrophic, but I think that sometimes it's necessary. And this specific site that talks about living with limerence, they put it really, really well. Yes, we don't want to do that because we think we may ruin a beautiful friendship. But be honest with yourself. Is it actually that beautiful or it's even a friendship or is it causing you more pain than it's worth?

And after you've been honest with yourself, be honest with them. If, you know, they feel the same way about you, then you've got what you wanted. And that's the closure. If they don't, if there is any uncertainty on their end, I think that we suddenly get a bit of a reality hit. We get a bit of reality exposure and we realize that, you know, it is time for us to gift ourselves the possibility of

We'll gift ourselves the idea that someone else could love us more. That is like a real gift to be like, actually, no, I'm deserving of a mutual love, of a brilliant love, of a generous love. This is maybe not the situation that I deserve.

And that's really how I want to conclude this episode, by showing you that there are many paths out of this. The only thing promised, you know, in life is change. And this also applies to limerence. When we're in it, it feels like it's never going to go away. But then in three years' time, you look back at this very moment and you realise how far you've come, how much you've done, how beautiful it was to mature out of that state, to find a love that is healthy and fulfilling, which you most certainly need.

And I know that you're probably suffering right now. I've been there. I've done that. I got the T-shirt. It was a slow journey out of it. But now in the stage that I'm at, I'm almost grateful that I got the opportunity to see that I could love that deeply, that that was a real kind of superpower, a real talent, skill, characteristic of mine. And, you know, just because they couldn't feel it because they didn't want it, they were giving me my love back.

doesn't mean that it was worthless. And actually, there are many people who would feel very, very lucky to be loved the way that you love. So consider it. I hate the word superpower because it feels so like almost cringe, but consider it an asset. Consider it something that makes you absolutely wonderful. And it means that when the right person comes along, you're going to have everything you need to love them deeply and for that love to be sustained. So

Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I really hope that you enjoyed it. I hope you learned something. If there's someone in your life who needs to hear it, make sure you send them a link. And I really hope you're taking care of yourself, that you felt some comfort from this because I want you to know you're not alone. Sometimes that is the greatest comfort.

If you, again, enjoyed the episode, leave a five-star review. Make sure you're following along for more upcoming episodes. And if you have something to say about this topic, this episode, any other topic or episode, or even a suggestion, a follow-up, a query, please feel free to DM me on Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast. Until next week, stay safe, stay kind, and be gentle with yourselves. We will talk very, very soon.

The perfect fit starts with an Abercrombie cozy turtleneck sweater. It is super soft. It has the perfect oversized fit for a relaxed but still very chic look. You can also layer it with the A&F classic denim jacket because who doesn't need a timeless piece like that? Or the A&F jeans which are the absolute best and have that fit that pair with everything. Curate this season's capsule in store or online at Abercrombie.

Taking care of my body using natural ingredients is an act of self-care. More importantly, self-love when the products I'm using are kind to my skin and the planet. That's why I love using Wilde and their refillable natural deodorant, body wash and lip balm, which are vegan, cruelty-free and use high quality natural ingredients without any nasties. Not only do Wilde's refill scents smell delicious, they're also a great way to

They also have the smoothest cream formula and leave you feeling fresh for 24 hours. Check out some of their best-selling scents, Fresh Cotton and Sea Salt, Ocean Mist and Cherry Blossom. We all know that taking care of the planet means taking care of ourselves and Wild makes it so easy to swap your everyday deodorant, body wash and even lip balm for a more sustainable alternative. Their cases are

100% reusable with compostable refills meaning no more single-use plastics. I have the B case for my deodorant and I just need you to go online and see how adorable it is. Like I never thought deodorant could be so decorative and smell this good. Wild is truly shaking up the throwaway culture of everyday bathroom products with refillable products that actually work.

Get 20% off your order with my code POY20. Go to wearewild.com and use code POY20 at checkout for 20% off all products or head to the podcast Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast to find a direct link on my link tree. Enjoy.

Did you know that dairy works wonders for gut health and that when your gut is healthy, your body and your mind feel it too? Fermented dairy foods like yogurt and kefir can deliver probiotics that benefit the gut microbiome. Plus, eating them can help you feel satisfied and balanced.

Who doesn't want that? Now, if you are thinking, not me, I'm lactose intolerant, I have got great news for you because there are tons of foods that you and your gut can enjoy. So don't let lactose intolerance get in the way of a healthy gut. This ad is sponsored by Undeniably Dairy.

And hide a secret from everyone around her.

The next great CBS mystery, Matlock, continues with a new episode Thursday, 9, 8 central on CBS and streaming on Paramount+.