185. Living with your parents in your 20s
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s. How is everybody doing? What's been on your mind? What have you been thinking about recently? Stressed about, worried about? Maybe it's money, which is me at all times, your bills,

how little your job is paying you. Maybe it's your current living situation. Your landlord is quite frankly an asshole. Your roommates are irritating you. You can't find a place to rent in your city. Maybe it is a breakup, a long-term relationship breakdown that, you know, you really thought you were going to be with this person forever. You had all these plans for the future and then suddenly it was over. You're facing heartbreak kind of in the same place where you fell in love and

All of these situations, states of minds, experiences seem kind of separate. They seem to touch on different facets of dissatisfaction in our lives, but they have one thing in common and that is that they all cause us to really consider the possibility of moving back home with our parents and

Whether that is to save money because you can't find a place to live, you're going through a massive life transition. It is becoming a lot more common for 20 something year olds like you and I to revert back to living in their childhood home or sometimes not leaving at all until they're in their late 20s, sometimes even early 30s.

Our living situation and our relationship with our parents are two major points of, I would say, exploration and theory in psychology, especially during this decade that we call emerging adulthood, which is between the ages of 18 and 29. Because these factors, these experiences, our living situation, our parents, our

They shape a lot about who we are. They shape a lot about what we're experiencing. In some ways, our entire state of mind and how we go about seeing the world changes.

We're seeing a lot more research coming out about this, you know, in some of the pioneering studies on emerging adulthood. This chapter that we're in that was conducted by the psychologist Jeffrey Arnott back in 2014. He talks about how two of the biggest events we go through are kind of battles that we endure on our path to full-fledged adulthood and

are leaving home and redefining our relationship with our parents. It really used to be the case that people would move out of their parents' home and never return. You know, for women, it might not be until they got married, for men, when they got a full-time paying job, as the gender norm goes. But nowadays, we're seeing a real societal change

shift whereby we are staying in the family home for much longer. About 50% of people in their 20s right now still live at home with their parents and it's typically women who move out a lot earlier but on average you know compared to like 40% of people who were living out of home two decades ago there is this kind of decline in individuals who are seeking out independent living and

during this decade you know living independently is no longer like a signifier of adulthood as it previously was because a it's occurring later but b we're also boomeranging right we're moving out we're leaving home we're saying bye mom and dad like I'm flying the nest and like five years later we're back where we kind of started we're back in our childhood bedrooms it used to be the case that you couldn't even be labeled as an established adult and

until you had moved out of home. Like that was the biggest thing that researchers used as a signifier to say, okay, this person has grown up. But I think that that label, that kind of factor, that category no longer applies because there has been a real change in our willingness and our ability to kind of leave the nest.

So let's talk about it today. I really want to firstly speak about why it is that a lot of us are delaying moving out, staying with our parents or being forced to move back home. Obviously, cost of living is a huge one, but we are also getting married later, you know, meaning that we might stay at home for longer before potentially meeting someone and simultaneously

settling down. We're also seeing that although there has been a big growth in education levels, you know, more people are going to university, that hasn't translated into greater job security or financial insecurity. So I asked you guys on Instagram, there's almost I think 10,000 of you who answered me

And the question I asked is, why do you still live at home with your parents or why did you move back home with your parents? Because about 50% of you said that they had moved out, you had moved out of home and you had found your way back. So there were three main contributors factors really that stood out to me.

Firstly, this one I'm going to just like put in its own category was COVID. Of course, huge life changing medical epidemic event. So I actually moved out when I was 17, but I moved back home with my parents for three months when COVID first began at like 20 years old.

And I think that was a lot of people's experiences. Like my mom had a total mental breakdown about me getting sick and dying and having no one, you know, no one around to help me because we knew so little about the virus. So I lasted about three months before I literally begged for them to let me go back to Canberra where I was living at the time. And it was so strange because I could have left at any point, right? Like I was an adult. My residential address was in Canberra. So it was like full within the law to travel back.

But the dynamic of being at home made it feel like I had to get their permission. That suddenly all of my agency, all of the authority I had over my life was kind of gone now that my parents were living under the same roof with me. So COVID was a big thing for a lot of us. I think a lot of us did find ourselves struggling.

Moving back home around that time, it really was, though, I think a once in a lifetime situation. I don't think that we're going to experience that again in our life, if not in our 20s. So we're going to count that as its own separate category. But the second biggest reason that people, you know, told me about around why they either didn't move out or moved back home was finances and saving money.

Oh my goodness, the world that we have inherited from our families, from our parents and their parents and their parents before them is a broken world. There is an insane cost of living crisis going on and I don't think I could name a city that isn't experiencing this or I could name a country that isn't experiencing this. So a lot of us aren't able to afford rent. I think in Sydney right now, the average rent is $750.

a week when the average income is $1,400. And that is including people who are, you know, directors and executives and at the very high level of their career. I don't think the average 20-something year old like you and I is making $1,400 a week. So even if that was the case, almost half of your salary is going to just putting a roof over your head. So that's

That's not really accessible, is it? I think the rule of thumb is like a third or a quarter of your income should go towards paying rent. That doesn't seem like, you know, $1,400 versus $750. That really is just taking out a huge chunk of what you're taking home each week. So we can't afford rent. We don't want to pay rent. You know, I think a lot of us are getting fed up of paying off somebody else's mortgage because

Whilst you're never going to be able to afford a place. And I think that stark inequality that we are observing is creating a huge mental strain on the lives and health of young people in this generation. Primarily through, I think, an increased prevalence and incidence rate of financial anxiety.

Constantly being concerned or hyper fixated on your income, on job security, on your debts, on your ability to afford necessities. I really don't think I can overstate how much financial anxiety this generation is experiencing that previous generations did not have to experience, whereby they

You know, rent is one thing we can't afford, a roof over our head. We can't afford that without skimping on essentials like food or transport or health care or even a social life. Yes, your social life is a necessity. It is essential. Being able to positively maintain your relationships is not a luxury. So all of this kind of leads to a deep sense of unease, which makes it really hard to relax in our lives. And moving back home with our parents is

can relieve that by taking away the primary trigger, I would call it, for our worries about money, which is rent and bills. It's interesting because I saw this quote that said, living at home with your parents may be free, but you pay with your mental well-being. You might not be taking on any tangible financial responsibilities, but it does sometimes come at the small cost of your emotional health,

And we're kind of forced into this really difficult trade-off during this decade. Do we lose our health or do we lose our wealth? That's what it comes down to. The second biggest factor that people spoke about, which I was surprised about and then actually equally not as surprised about, was a breakup. I think when you start a life with someone in your 20s thinking it will be forever and it isn't, that is a significant disruptor to your sense of self, to your plans for the future, your plans for tomorrow even.

Sometimes we need the safety and security of our family to heal or to just give us a place to stay. I've seen so many friends enduring this recently whereby they've been with someone for like years and they've been living together, they're making plans for the future and then all of a sudden one of them turns around and calls it quits.

And they're forced with this like really awful, horrendous reality of having to clean out the place you live together, break a lease, you know, just push forward, do the daily things you used to experience with them by your side. That is its own unique form of psychological torture, especially in our 20s when it does kind of feel like a race to find the one.

As much as I disagree with that, you know, there is a societal pressure to like have a mate, have a partner by the end of your 20s. So I think they're also battling this sense of like, well, now I'm back at square one. I have to begin this whole thing again. So that was another big factor is people experiencing a breakup and that being a catalyst for moving home.

And the final one was the beginning or the end of a huge life transition that kind of prevents us from having permanent housing. A really great example of this is that period between graduation and starting a full time job or perhaps not having a job lined up, not making any money.

When you return overseas without a lease, that is another real big catalyst for moving home. Some of us just want to be prepared to take our time until it feels absolutely right to move out, even if that means continuing to share a space, a home, our privacy with our parents. There is one final factor that I actually want to talk about really quickly. A lot of you actually talked about how when your parents became ill,

you felt this real sense of obligation to take care of them as they got older, as they kind of took care of you when you were younger. I think those of us with a real strong sense of family values, family obligation, may feel compelled to kind of give up our independent lives in our 20s to very selflessly assist our parents. And I'm sure it's not the easiest decision, but it definitely feels like the right one. So...

What are the consequences of this? Why does living with our parents in our 20s seemingly take such a psychological, emotional, social, even sometimes physical toll? And there is a toll, a very scientifically observable one. So a recent Australian study published last year, one of the first of its kinds in Australia,

looked at cohabitation between parents and young adults. So parents and children living together in the same house.

And they found that young adults, particularly those in their mid to late 20s living with their parents, had poorer mental health than those living independently. And those mental health impacts become larger the older that we get. So when you're 21 living with your parents, it might still be a struggle. It's not that bad compared to if you were 29 and living with your parents.

And the authors attributed this to several factors. The first one is a sense of feeling stuck or feeling behind that you haven't yet reached a milestone that other people in your life have. You just feel like you can't progress your independent life. And I think that there's a real cultural element in that, especially in Western nations like Australia.

like the US, like the UK, like Canada, all of those, whereby historically and psychologically, Western societies really value independence. And they see a dependence on the family home and on family resources as a failure, whereby more Eastern cultures are a lot more collective, you know, collectivism. That's a big part of their identity as a community, which is we help each other out. It's not a normal, a normal, a

unheard of I guess for people in their 40s to still be living with their parents or to have their parents move in with them so I really think that the impact you're going to feel is really dependent on a couple of things obviously culture expectation that's a big one but I also think the reason that we tend to struggle comes down to the innate nature of a parent-child relationship

And how that develops in our 20s when we are no longer a child by age, but we are a child by relationship to our parents living under their roof, feeling like we're not fully able to express or practice our freedom. We're not fully able to be recognized by them anymore.

As an adult, but rather as the child that they raised, the teenager that they scolded, the young adult that they still feel a sense of protectiveness or control over. Once again, this environment positions you like relationally as a child. You are still that 16, 17, 18 year old version of yourself that your parents could control and could send to your room and could ground because the environment in which that relationship and that dynamic occurred is

It's the same, even if you have matured and grown older. Our relationship with our parents, I think, is always going to be hierarchical. They are at the top. They have more power because of just the nature of the fact that they, you know, they gave birth to you. They created you. They

chose you if you were adopted you know there is this there was an active choice by them to have you as a child and they got to implant you with their values your childhood was formed by their choices they financially supported you for many years and so when you spend that first 18 years of your life having to listen to them perhaps having to conceal parts of you to still seem like a child in their mind arguing with them needing their permission that doesn't shift the

overnight. I think that's why we see like the moment that we're back within the orbit of our family, we like regress significantly. We become very dependent. We argue like we did when we were a bratty teenager. We don't pick up our laundry. We just, we become this version of ourselves that we left behind. But when we come back into the relationship and

It positions us as being immature, as still being a child. In fact, I actually read this really fascinating piece of work in which one psychologist noted that it's really common for people to regress psychologically, especially when faced with tension or conflict within the family. We revert back to the old patterns that we know that we have rehearsed and remembered from childhood because this is the only way that we've ever related to our parents and

in these situations. It's so interesting because I was having like an argument with my mum a couple months back and like I would say this is a weird thing. I'm very good at arguing like

in a mature way like with my partner with my friends with I don't really argue you know what I mean like it's and when I do it's like safe and it's respectful and I know when to take breaks with my parents it's just like I'm this feral human because it's just like I'm this child again who doesn't have emotional regulation because our relationship allows me to fall back into that

I always felt really embarrassed about it. Turns out this regression is actually very universal. It's reflecting our longest relationship, the one that we've had with our caregivers. And with that, a very deeply embedded pattern of behavior. And it's very, very hard to break, especially if you continue to live at home and you haven't yet separated from the family unit, because that would give you kind of a form or a way of psychological support.

separation in which you would have the space to form your own values to form your own beliefs to form your own attitudes beyond the family unit that need to separate socially physically

psychologically gets stronger and stronger the older we get because that part of us that wants to be an established adult who wants independence who wants to decide what they have to dinner who wants to decide whether they're going to leave a mess or not that gets harder to ignore even if we know that we are saving on rent even if there is a practical consideration there so this is what

The very famous psychologist Eric Erickson calls the battle between identity versus confusion, whereby we start to really push back against our childhood identity and discover who we are beyond the wants and beliefs of our parents. And we need to overcome this conflict between identity and confusion in order to progress in our lives.

This used to occur when we were about 18. But the fact is, is that adulthood is being delayed for a lot of us because the milestones that normally defined our 20s are shifting. So we're feeling this conflict and this urge for separation later on, perhaps, but we're

more intensely. That's the argument that's been made in recent years. And I think the luxury of having our own say over our environment, which we didn't get as children, it becomes a necessity the older we get. And having our own space becomes very psychologically important because your own space is an expression of our emerging identity. Having our own space allows for the expansion of our personal boundaries and

onto our external environment. So it's not just about how you want your parents to treat you. It's how you want the control you have over your space, the control you have over your furniture, over your mess. I think having private and personal space is one thing, but having enough of it is another thing. You may still have that sense of control over your bedroom that's at your home.

But you need more space than that as you get older, because a private life cannot be lived in one bedroom alone, especially when someone can easily walk in or can maybe hear through the walls, especially when that bedroom is one that your parents essentially own. You just don't have room to expand. You don't feel as if you have the ability to actually be you. And I think that can lead us to feeling very claustrophobic, alienated, maybe stuck, and

It's really interesting because there was a study done on this that estimates that we need at least 15 square meters of personal space minimum as we get older. So that's about the size of one and a half school buses. You're probably not getting that with your parents living in your childhood bedroom.

Privacy is another thing I want to focus on within that. So privacy is a really interesting concept because it is quite literally defined as a fundamental human right, meaning that there are major bodies across the world from the UN to major psychological societies to the Human Rights Commissions of the world that see it as essential for well-being, essential for human safety, human security, but finally human for

fulfillment. And it's not that our parents are deliberately withholding our privacy, in most cases at least, just that there is not much privacy to be had by nature of living at home, by nature of sharing living spaces. And I think that we feel that especially when it comes to our relationships, both romantic and platonic.

I think inviting friends over becomes a lot harder because you can't, you know, use the space exactly how you'd like. Your parents may kind of always be lingering in the corner. You can't necessarily talk openly about whatever you want. You can't behave however you want. There is still an illusion you want to maintain with your parents that you are a child. There is still a way that you are kind of expected implicitly.

to act. This is not the place to be uninhibited. This is the place to be cautious. Additionally, unless our friends are particularly close with our parents, because I know that does happen,

Sometimes you can feel quite on edge when you visit a friend's house and their mom like opens the door or their dad is like sitting on the couch whilst you're cooking dinner or like he's like, I don't know, going to the bathroom whilst you're like trying to catch up over a glass of wine. You always have a sense that you're not just speaking to your friend. There are other ears that are tuned in. So it's hard to really get to that level of depth where vulnerability exists. Things might feel strained.

Now, romantic relationships are a whole other bag of, I don't know, bag of buttons, bag of bones. And I think that living at home can really change the whole trajectory of what happens between us and someone that we're dating, particularly when we start courting someone, start feeling them out, start sleeping with them.

It's kind of awkward to be like, do we want to take this back home? Do we want to extend this date in a place where more comfortable by the way I live with my parents? You know, let's be real dating people casually usually means you're sleeping together or you're doing something intimate in that sense. You can't really like invite them back to your place without like fully introducing them to your parents on like date three or five. And that completely once again speeds up the intensity of

of the relationship in an instant, whereby people who live alone or with roommates, you know, you have time to, like, feel this person out, you have time to date them before they meet the parents, you know, whereas if you're living at home, especially when it comes to sex, you know, like, they might be meeting them pretty soon. And it's also a bit of, like, a weird thing to, like, have sex in your parents' house, thinking that, like, they might be able to hear what's going on. You kind of want to maintain this, like,

facade, that you're not a sexual creature, almost for their peace of mind. And that makes it harder. It makes it like a lot harder to do the deed. So I remember when I moved back with my parents, not for very long, it was like probably only three weeks over the summer after I finished my degree, I was dating this guy whose parents also lived in Melbourne. And so, of course, we're both in Melbourne at the same time. We keep seeing each other over the holidays. But because both of our parents were always home, we

We could like, we couldn't have sex. And then one night I snuck him in through the side gate to this literal shed, like this shed like studio thing we have in our backyard. And he slept overnight on this blow up mattress. And the next morning, for some reason, because literally no one ever goes into this room, my mom like walks in and there is me in the sky like naked on a camping mattress. And it was so funny because my mom always had this rule that

her and my dad needed to meet anyone who stayed over. So like boyfriends and such. I guess she did kind of meet him in a strange way. But yeah, it was embarrassing. And it felt like this weird curtain that you have around your private life.

is like pulled aside and it's kind of ghastly. And it can also lead to some intrusive questions, which I think is just sometimes our parents attempting to connect with us. But it feels really awkward and embarrassing. And there can also be judgment within that. If your parents' attitude to dating is also different to yours, which I think generationally is bound to happen, they might not understand why.

More modern dating practices like hooking up, like situationships, like one night stands, friends with benefits. Or maybe they do understand it and that's the problem. They know that what might be taking place is transactional and it's an uncomfortable mutual acknowledgement at that stage. All of this comes down to, once again, the innate child-parent relationship dynamic. That's what's playing out in this situation. As we seek opportunities to redefine ourselves,

to expand our personal lives through our relationships, to make our lives our own, to kind of create new values for ourselves, new environments, whatever it is. Our childhood environment remains the same and it remains the environment that we're in.

So I think that is a big adjustment, especially if you've moved back home after independent living. It's a bit like a yo-yo, right? Like you've gone the full length of independence. You've reached the full limit of what it means to live independently right to the end of the string. You've adjusted to the sense of liberation and freedom and choice, and then you're kind of pulled or yo-yoed back.

And that reverse adjustment is a lot harder because you know what's out there. You know the grass is actually greener and you live with this realistic comparison between living, I don't want to say living alone, you could be living with roommates, but living independently and living with family. I think whatever your situation cohabiting with your parents is obviously a scale. Some people I spoke to loved it.

We're going to talk about that in a minute. But the main factor that seemed to determine enjoyment versus dissatisfaction is the type of parents that you have and your relationship with them. Parents who were strict or controlling in childhood, who are so-called helicopter parents, are probably not going to grow out of that because I think a part of their makeup is

is this like sense of neurosis, this sense of needing control and authority and to be in charge. And that part of who they are, that part of their personality does not disappear as their children get older. That makes it especially hard to seek out freedom in a cohabitation situation with your parents or to even have a fruitful conversation about what needs to change to ensure you guys have a positive relationship

Because they're not really open to discussion, right? And that may have been the case always. Perhaps they just never really got you. They didn't respect your identity. They didn't really respect what you were doing, what you wanted to do in your life, your decisions.

So that creates a tension and it creates conflict that is heightened in close quarters whereby each of you is trying to enforce your view and stand your ground and no one's willing to shift. And I think that that doesn't happen when you don't live with them. It might happen to some extent, but they don't know everything that's going on. They don't have as many opportunities for contact to say what they think, even if it's not what you want to hear. They don't have as many opportunities to be intrusive. So I think that...

That's a really common thing that happens whereby it feels oppressive almost to have their constant, not a judgment, but their constant opinion. And they may also kind of engage in a bit of guilt tripping. They may lord things over you. That's a really common thing when we live at home. You know, you need to do this for me because you live under my roof. I paid for this. So you should show this house some respect. You should do this. You should come home before 12.

They have the power because they own the home. And this kind of guilt tripping is a form of manipulation, even if it's implicit, even if they don't understand that's what they're doing. Maybe because your parents don't have the skills or the language to assertively communicate their feelings. And so they resort to implicitly controlling your actions through guilt. And it leaves...

Both people feeling terrible. It leaves you feeling terrible. It leaves them actually not saying what they mean. And they've looked into this. There was a study done in 2013, a study done in 2014 that confirmed the initial findings that when guilt tripping happens frequently in a parent-child relationship, it leads to resentment and it leads to a loss of closeness and intimacy. And it leads you feeling like

you need to get away, that you don't want to come back. There can also just be this elevated sense of conflict, right? Like we were talking about with them giving out their opinion and

You feel very stuck because you don't have the distance that people who live out of home have. And I think that sometimes it can be very revealing of a lot of repressed childhood trauma or missteps or resentment that is bound to come up in such close quarters. It's just that now you have the adult understanding of your experiences and the adult rationality to know that like your parents probably may have been in the wrong to see what...

occurred that could have been done better and your parents are not going to see it the same way. So it's just this like, it can often promote like this rehashing of negative, difficult behavioral patterns between you and your mom and your dad and your caregiver that there has been no circuit breaker. There has been no psychological separation to stop this from occurring.

Again, I just think this goes to show how your relationship with your parents can become strained when you live under the same roof.

because we're not able to assert or practice our independence. We still feel childlike. We still feel stuck. Our relationships may suffer, but sometimes maybe it's worth it to you to save some money, to not drown in debt, to have housing stability. And one part of it that we haven't discussed is that there are benefits. Some people just really like living with their parents. And I think that that is also just a completely valid perspective that I'm going to talk about today.

After this short break, we're also going to talk about some tips to cope, how to assert boundaries, how to get the most out of this situation. We will be back shortly.

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If 50% of 20-something year olds are living at home, I don't think all 50% are struggling because there are definitely some perks beyond just lessening, you know, our financial anxiety or for temporary housing. There are people who I know, who I'm friends with, who actively choose this lifestyle and living arrangement even if they can afford to do otherwise, even if they have all available opportunities to live out of home.

Again, I wanted to hear from you guys, the listeners, about your experience with this. And you came through. You provided some really fascinating insights. A big benefit that was spoken about is knowing that you're always going to have a support system and someone to turn to for comfort. That is something a lot of us lack in our 20s when we do feel especially disconnected and lonely. Having someone who is always around you

is a blessing, is really special, especially if you're struggling mentally after a breakup or because of a mental health condition or if you're chronically ill or sick and

I do think that that is a massive pro of living with your parents in your 20s. And honestly, I love being babied by my mum sometimes when she comes to town. It feels really good to kind of switch off a part of my brain that is adult because I suddenly have like my protector here. I have someone older. I have someone wiser, someone who's definitely going to pay for dinner.

Some of you people also said that you are actually really good friends with your parents, which actually tends to occur more the older we get. So there's been some research on this that shows that our level of contact and connection with our parents tends to dip around 20 to 25, but then steadily rises thereafter. That dip, and they do say sometimes it begins much earlier around 17, but 17s.

17 to 25 is like when we most likely see it. It's a large range, but most of us will fall into it.

That dip is probably attributable to the need for distance in early adulthood to form an identity that is separate from our caregivers. But I think we do truly appreciate how valuable family is as we get older, how helpful they are. Living with our parents can be quite special because we do have a deep connection that we can nourish and which can bring us a lot of comfort, especially as they're getting older. I think there is a sense of like,

I don't want to miss out on this time because we become more acutely aware that we're not going to have them forever. If you have kids as well, they're such a great help. I heard from a few people who were single mothers and honestly, I admire you guys so much. I'm sure parents are a really great help, a godsend at times. And it just comes down to the sharing of responsibilities. You know, living in a house by yourself, even with other people,

I don't think we kind of appreciate how much work it is. Like, I really was not...

grateful enough for what my parents did for me back then in terms of paying bills, keeping on top of cleaning, keeping on top of maintenance, keeping on top of laundry, keeping on top of just like the most randomest things, locking the door. Like there is a lot to be done. And I think that when we share that responsibility, there is obviously less of a burden on us and just like a sense of community and belonging that we don't, you know, we tend to stray from in our early 20s.

It's like an unconditional love that money really can't buy. So what do we do to make this experience more pros than cons? What are some of the behavioral, psychological, emotional strategies for getting the most out of this time? Even if this is not your first choice for a living situation, you can make it better. And I want to talk about six tips to help you manage. So the first one is to actually keep your parents updated on your life.

I do believe that a lot of like the inquisitiveness, the curiosity, what feels like intrusiveness comes down to them just wanting to know you. And so make it so that they're not surprised. I think that creates tension when they're used to having that, you know, they plan to have this house by themselves once they were past a certain age for their children to leave the nest, I guess is like the best way to put it.

And so you still being there makes them feel like they still have some kind of right to know what's going on. So invite them in so they don't feel like they have to force themselves in through opinion and judgment, whether that is telling them about your dating life in not as much detail, but in some detail or about your friends or about how work is going. I think that that just creates open channels for communication and it stops them from feeling like, oh, you're just there eating my food. You're ungrateful. You're not kind.

not coming to me for the emotional support that I think they do kind of want to offer. The other thing is to articulate boundaries. I feel like everyone knows this, but sometimes we're not great at knowing when to set a boundary and about what, right? Like we know we feel uncomfortable, but we're not sure what kind of behavior would prevent that level of like uncomfortableness and distress from happening.

The best way to tell when a boundary needs to be set is by noticing your feelings and when something you can feel something in your body when you feel uncomfortable. That is your brain telling you that something needs to be fixed or rectified.

That is your best alarm system right there. So what about that moment? The words said the situation made you feel upset, made you feel angry, made you feel frustrated. Was it because they crossed a line in terms of like asking about your personal life? Was it because they guilt tripped you? Was it because they asked you to do something that you didn't want to do?

Once you can articulate what it is that made you uncomfortable, then you can set a boundary. Not before. You have to actually know what it was that was frustrating, what it was that made you angry. You need to express that boundary before it can have effect. It might be like, hey, I don't want you to speak to me like that. I'm not a child anymore. So when we're having conversations, please speak to me as you would speak to one of your friends or to, you know, my dad or to my mom.

Or it might be, hey, like, actually, I understand that I'm living under your roof, but I'm still an adult and I don't need a curfew. I don't need you to tell me what to do. Can we have some respect around allowing me to live independently?

I think it takes courage to do that, but it will improve your life. And just even speaking about what it is that's upset you does allow you to come back and reference that and say like, hey, we talked about this and we spoke about the consequences of what would happen if this wasn't fixed. Which outcome would you like here? Do you want the outcome where I move out and we don't speak anymore?

Or where our relationship is incredibly tense? Or do you want the outcome where we do have open channels of communication and we can speak about this like adults rather than like I'm still a child? This also leads me to my next tip. When you fight, don't go down, stay high. I understand as we spoke about, it's very easy to regress and become quite childlike in conflict with our parents. This is your reminder to be calm, to take a break, take a step back, go for a walk.

And to not let your parents put you in the position where you feel like you need to be emotionally immature. They might be very high. I don't know. I feel like sometimes parents can be very much like up on their high horse, very much like, oh, you don't understand dismissive. That's really freaking angry when you feel like you are still an independent person. So don't let them put you into a place where you confirm that you are still a child, where you confirm that you are not able to have constructive conversations with them.

So these next two I think are really practical. The first one is to take on some adult responsibilities in the house so you don't feel like you've lost control over your environment, that you're not doing something, not acting to maintain a home. And pay some rent so that you still feel like you have some rightful ownership of

over your space and that you're contributing. Now, obviously a big factor that we spoke about was that we move in with our parents, we stay home with our parents because we can't afford to move out. So how can we afford to pay rent? I'm not saying pay the $750 that's the average weekly rent in Sydney or wherever. Pay like $50.

We'll put like $20 where you buy, $20 doesn't buy that many groceries anymore. I don't know, a hundred bucks where you buy all the groceries for the week so that you still feel like there is a level of entitlement you have over this space because you are making some kind of financial commitment contribution that increases a sense of ownership for you so that this is your space. You don't own it, but you're contributing to it. You have an investment in it. Do things outside of the home.

This one is probably the most important of all of them. Don't let your identity get tied up with being an adult who still lives in your parents' house. Like I know sometimes it can feel kind of strange, maybe shameful, you know, maybe not what you wanted.

But that doesn't mean that you can't still get the most out of your 20s, right? You should join a social club, a book club, late night sport, volunteering, rock climbing. I think that these activities allow you to feel like you still have a sense of self outside of the home, that you can still be free. You can still be your own person. You can still be, you know, in this phase and this chapter of exploration and like journeying into adulthood and

beyond the orbit of the family. That's really, really valuable to keep up a sense of like, keep up a sense of like, not independence, but a sense of engagement, maybe with the life that's going on around you and with other people who are maybe living out of home, maybe aren't just other people like our age. Put a lock on your door, someone actually sent this in. That's just like a small assertion of privacy, right? Like,

Sometimes it's nice to just know that mum isn't going to like go through your like naughty drawer like when you're when you're not at home. I understand if it's a rental property that might be harder, but you can get a removable lock that you can take off before the lease expires.

Just some way to assert that this is my space. Like we said, personal space is vital. Psychologically, very vital the older we get. So that's really valuable to assert that this is my oasis. This is sacred to me. I can use this space as my own. And finally...

Have some productive check-ins with your parents, with your family, the same way you would have check-ins with roommates, right? Living under one roof, people cohabitating is a melting pot, is a kindling for conflict. Something is going to go wrong because...

Everyone has different preferences, different ways of expressing their emotions, expressing their needs, different stresses going on in their life that might be triggered or, you know, kind of broken by someone else's just doing something small, right? It's the straw that breaks the camel's back, as the saying goes. So you do actually need to still be actively communicating about what's going on in each other's lives. What

What needs to be done around the house so that there isn't a level of resentment that builds up and spills over? What people are dissatisfied about? Should there be a cleaning roster? Like not to turn it into a share house, but I think the secret to any good relationship is really just having the guts to just be like, this is uncomfortable, but we're going to talk about it anyways, because it's like a really painful massage. You know, you're going to feel better. You know that the future outcome is going to be a lot more enjoyable. I think

living at home with your parents in your 20s.

takes a bit of courage. It definitely takes a lot of emotional regulation and it takes effort. It takes effort to still feel like you are independent and free and living your best life. So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode. I really enjoyed exploring this because I do believe that our living situation and our relationship with our parents are two of the most significant contributors to our mental well-being and

early or emerging adulthood, especially when they intertwine, especially when they interact.

I want to hear more about your experiences. If there's something we've missed, please reach out. This is such a fascinating area of research, especially as we're seeing cohabitation rise, we're seeing young adults move back more frequently. I think it all points to like a broader societal shift in which it's hard for 20-somethings to be as independent as our parents were. And that's not to say that we don't want to be, right? It's

because of a whole range of factors like finances, like cost of living, that interact with our personhood and interact with the decisions that we are able to make. So I really hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope that you learned something. I hope that it improves your living situation. It helps you redefine your relationship with your parents, whatever it may be. As

As always, if there is someone who you think needs to hear this episode, maybe not your parents, maybe a friend or someone like that, please feel free to share it with them. That is the main way that this show grows and reaches more people. Make sure you're following. You never know when a new episode might be one that you really need to hear and it pops up on your feed and I don't know, it becomes part of your day. So hit the follow button if you're on Spotify and subscribe, I think, if you're on Apple. I really need to brush up on my...

podcasting app knowledge. And if you have an episode suggestion, if you want to contribute more to this conversation, of course, I would love to hear from you. You can reach out to us at that psychology podcast on Instagram. And as always, we will be back next week. Stay safe and be kind to yourself until then.

Hi, I'm Katie Lowes. And I'm Guillermo Diaz. And we're the hosts of Unpacking the Toolbox, the Scandal Rewatch podcast where we're talking about all the best moments of the show. Mesmerizing. But also, we get to hang out with all of our old Scandal friends like Bellamy Young, Scott Foley, Tony Goldwyn, Debbie Allen, Kerry Washington. Well, suit up, gladiators. Grab your big old glass of wine and prepare yourselves for even more behind-the-scenes stories with Unpacking the Toolbox podcast.

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