Sleep Divorce, Fighting in Public & Boundaries for Childbirth
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- We're still married, but according to TikTok, we are on the outs actually. - We're still sleeping together, but we're not sleeping together, if you know what I mean. If you're gonna fight in front of people, that kind of breaches the level of trust. - You always, in a marriage, want to respect the oneness of your relationship. - Setting boundaries with the hospital visit is super important. If you just have the uncomfortable conversation beforehand, then it solves all of that. - Open communication is so important.

Hey, before we get started, if you guys could please leave a review for our podcast, it helps us out so much you would not even know. So just take literally 10 seconds, leave a review. You can just say, it's a great podcast or it's okay. Literally say whatever. We don't care. The review would really mean a lot to us. Thanks. Now let's get to the episode. What's up dudes? And welcome back to the Unplanned Podcast. That never gets old. No, I honestly feel like people immediately click off. They're just like, what?

Who are these wackos? Does that really represent us? I don't know. We are kind of high energy. Yeah, we kind of are. We're a little weird too, so it's all good. I'm excited for this episode. I don't know exactly what's happening. Abby had this big idea. She had you guys on the podcast Instagram DM us questions, I guess. Well, I definitely didn't come up with this concept. Like, ask columns have been around for...

Oh, so we did an ask column. Wait, I didn't mean centuries. I meant decades, but probably centuries too. Yeah, I'm sure the Romans were doing ask columns. Probably. They'd probably write in on like papyrus and be like, what should I do about this situation? That's pretty crazy. We've evolved so much as humanity. Now we're freaking DMing podcast accounts with questions. To people that are not qualified.

I know. Let's actually do a big disclaimer. We're just like regular people. We're not doctors. We don't have degrees in this. Abby's the only one with a college degree in this room right now. Well, I mean, honestly, if you need it,

relationship advice, which I think a lot of these are relationship related, really do seek a counselor. Yeah. This is just for entertainment purposes only. We're still married, but according to TikTok, we are on the outs actually. So let's talk about this advice with a great.

Abby posted a video last night about how we haven't been sleeping together and TikTok is freaking out thinking that we're like headed for divorce, which is hilarious. Well, I mean, I gave them all the context I thought that justified our sleep divorce, but... I guess that's the official term. If you don't sleep in the same bed as your spouse, technically it's called sleep divorce. Now...

We were still sleeping together, but we're not sleeping together, if you know what I mean. Anyway, sorry, Abby. Anyway. Well, here's the thing is that like I explained in the TikTok, but like our son still wakes up in the night and I'm pregnant and I'm

You're not able to take naps. Abby hates naps more than anybody I've ever met in my life. And I also can't sleep in anymore. And I'm like, dude, just take a nap. And you're like, I literally can't. So if Abby gets four hours of sleep, she can't. It's like she's not going to be able to nap. So what I do is I wake up with Griffin throughout the night if he wakes up. And then if I need to, I can sleep in. And then Abby will wake up with Griffin if it's a really bad night. But then that way, she's always getting good quality sleep. So it's a really good thing. It's been working for us. I mean,

Even when we were doing that, when you were getting up with Griffin, but you were still in the same room, I would still wake up, obviously, because I could hear him crying on the monitor. Yeah. And then...

Then I started to just listen to the monitor and he wasn't even crying, but I was awake just like stressing about it. So this is working out for now, but I'm thinking that pretty soon he's going to be sleeping through the night and we will be back together again. Yeah, but all that being said, we've been married now for almost four years. We're just giving this advice based off of our experience and we're not medical professionals. We're definitely not getting medical advice. I don't know where that's... Oh, yeah. This is not medical. This is just like...

I don't know, relationship talk. I don't even know. What are these questions? I don't know. I actually don't know either. So we had like our trusty helper go through these. So we are having a fresh perspective on these and can give just like an honest, fresh take. Let's get right into it. So what's the first question? First of all, thank you to everyone who sent one of these in. If you don't follow our Instagram already, follow the Unplanned Podcast on Instagram so you can be involved in one of these future episodes. I

I'm literally just gonna start with this one. "I'm having trouble deciding where I want to settle down. "I'm from Canada, but I've been living in France "for a few years, and I can't seem to imagine my future here, "but I also don't really wanna go back to Canada, "and it's getting late in life to test out a third option. "I'm in my late 20s, and I want a family, "so I think it's time to start thinking about this seriously.

I know you've moved around a lot as well. How did you make your decision? Do you feel like you have to stay put now that you have a family? Any advice? Ooh, that's really good. So we have moved around a lot. Yeah. Kind of. I mean, so we moved to college together, which was...

About four hours from where we were living with our parents. It was like four-ish from you, three hours from where I grew up. So it definitely was like far enough away to where it was like moving away. You're finding new community altogether. Yeah, found completely new community and then... Which I will say this, even though it was only four hours, I feel like away is away. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, it was definitely very different. Like, we made all new friends, made all new connections. That's where we, like, really grew up was in college. We found our independence there. Yeah, I loved college. I loved the freedom that it gave us. For sure. And then came the big move of...

just a few years later where we literally moved to the middle of the pacific ocean to hawaii we did that about two years ago we knew nobody there realistically we knew nobody upon moving but we did have some connections we knew a few creators from instagram we knew like britain connor kent from instagram we were just like instagram friends with them before we moved and um they were super nice they actually helped us find a place in hawaii before we moved there and then we secured that

little house on the beach, little cottage. It was 500... Was it 400 or 500 square feet? I think it was 500 square feet. Yeah, I think it was. And then... Yeah, and then we knew, like, somebody else. But the...

I'm like, the Beastons. The Beastons. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. No, we just moved there two years ago. Lived there for a year. Then we moved to Arizona. Now we've been in Arizona for a year. So we've kind of been all over. I dare to say, though, we feel like we're probably going to stay in Arizona long term. Honestly, yes. Because feel what you're feeling. Like when there comes a time in your life where you're like, okay, I want to put down roots somewhere. And I mean, I think there's a way to do it. That's probably...

But usually with kids, it's probably better to stay more put if possible. Yeah. I understand there's circumstances like military family, for instance, like they have to move around a lot.

And if depending on parents jobs, but if it's possible, I think it's better to stay put. So then they have some consistency growing up in their childhood. I mean, we're not quite there yet. But I think for us moving closer to family was definitely a good idea because now it only takes us three hours to fly and see our family in the Midwest before it was like a nine hour flight.

So it's definitely something that we're doing a lot more. We're seeing family a lot more now that we're only three hours away. So I don't know. If you're in France and you're thinking about settling down and starting a family. Well, she said she can't seem to imagine her future there. Really? Yeah. Well, then she doesn't want to go back to Canada. Oh, shoot. Because I was going to say go back to Canada.

- That is tough. - 'Cause I think if you find your person, like say she wants to travel the world and explore, like maybe she could go back to Canada, find the person she wants to marry, and then from there they could go travel. But then at the same time, she's marrying someone, she can't necessarily make sure- - I think you can't go looking for love. I think love kind of finds you. - That's true. We weren't looking for love when we found each other, it just happened. - I think you, because you're still single, even though you're in your late twenties, which is still very young, because you're still single and you wanna start a family,

Then and you don't see yourself. Did your stomach just growl? It was my stomach. Yes. Are you all right? I'm all right. You're not as tied down as you think you are because you don't you're not married and you don't have children yet. I say you play a play on time and test out a third option. Oh, you're you're telling her to send it and just go move somewhere else. Yeah. Why not? OK, send it. You're still young. You're still in your 20s and you don't want to go back to Canada and you're already not feeling like France is long term for you.

I think you just haven't found your... I think you still have more adventure in you. You haven't found your forever... I think that's good advice. ...spot.

You got to follow your heart above all. You got to follow your heart. When we moved to Hawaii, people told us not to do it. And even though we only lived there a year, like I'm glad we did it. I'm glad we got to experience that. I think there are some people in life that are truly nomads and like are meant to just go with the breeze. But I think... We're kind of that way, honestly. No, I don't think we are actually. I think we love to travel. But I think in our hearts, we knew it's not like...

you know, we found the perfect place because every place you're going to live is going to come with pros and cons.

we found a place that we feel comfortable committing to in the long term. But also with the freedom to be like, you know, something might come up in the future. We might be somewhere else. Yeah. What's the next question? What do we got? Next question. Me and my girlfriend of one year and three months want to get married next year. We are 18, both turning 19 soon. So we will be 20 when we get married. Her parents don't want us to get married anytime soon and think we should wait a few years. What should we do? Wow. That's a good question.

Wow. I mean, okay, first of all, you seem- Wow, this feels like very personal. Yeah, very personal. I mean, first of all, my initial thought was like, wow, they're so young. But then I'm like, Matt, like you were 18 in the same situation, right? Like I wanted to marry you when I was 18. Yeah, I was 19 when we got engaged and we were already talking about marriage by the time, I mean, I don't even think I was 18 before we were talking about marriage.

Yeah, we were talking about marriage before you were 18. We were 18 and 17. Yeah, so I totally can relate to you guys. This is such a, it's a tough position to be in. Yeah, I want to play devil's advocate for a second because the fact is marriage is a very, very big commitment.

And I think it's important to listen to the, I guess, I don't want to say negative voices, but people who are just not being like, yeah, go for it, you know, send it, you know, like. Not your, like, not that they're not your cheerleaders, but not the people that are just like your yes people. Yeah. You really need to listen to those voices when you're considering marriage because it's a very big decision, like probably the biggest decision you can make in your life. It's bigger than having, deciding to have kids. Yeah.

I don't know. Kids and marriage are both up there, I think. They're both huge. But I mean, ultimately, you're going to spend more time with your spouse in your lifetime. So I think like you really need to think through all of that because it is a big decision. Yeah.

And once you make that big decision, you just got to stick to it because it's going to be hard. Like marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Like everyone in their marriage goes through hardship. It's just a matter of marriage. We're major proponents of marriage. We are. But that also comes with understanding that, yeah, it's full of...

It's full of challenges. So I would listen to the voices pushing back. I would strongly consider what they're saying and think about like, do I think they're right? Do I think they have a point? Why do I think that my way is a better option? Why or why not? Like really consider those voices because it is such a big decision. Yeah, we can speak to our experience a bit. There was a lot of tough conversations specifically with my parents. And that was because it was...

Probably a similar situation where they just simply thought I was too young. And there was a lot of emotional...

And honestly, heated conversations about it. Yeah. And ultimately, for us, it came to we didn't want to wait just to wait. If there was like legitimate reasons other than just our age, we definitely wanted to listen to them and entertain those. And there were some reasons. And we addressed those and kind of worked through them internally, got mentors and spoke with them. And then ultimately decided that we wanted to –

steal the deal and we were still pretty young when it happened. But, um, yeah, it was a good, it was a tough time. Another big thing is finances. So, um, immediately upon starting college, I started looking for jobs and I think I found a job either in the first week or the second week of, of school. Um, cause I was like, okay, I got to figure out how I can make money so I can support my wife and future kids and all that. Uh,

Because like when you're married, like you don't rely on mommy and daddy to pay the bills. I mean, obviously I know there are people who are married that might have

support, like maybe their parents pay their phone bill, which is like super generous. And if your parents like want to do that for you, cool. Like, honestly, all power to you. But you also need to take into consideration the fact that you got to financially support yourself. And when you're young, that's a big transition because I was coming out of high school. I was like doing theater and shows. And then I'm like, oh, frick, I need to learn how money works. Right. So I would say definitely start reading up on your Dave Ramsey books on your, um, maybe there's a book called, uh,

The Richest Man in Babylon. It's really good. It's about building wealth. It's just understanding how money and finances work because it's really important to be able to financially support your marriage. Luckily, a blessing we've had in our marriage is we've never fought about money, which I think like money causes a lot of fights in marriages from what I've heard. It's actually surprising that we've never fought. Yeah, we fight a lot, but we've never fought about money. And yeah, that's just been a huge blessing for us because I think initially with the idea of getting married, we like

really took seriously the fact that we needed to financially support ourselves. So don't just like gloss over that detail because it's a very important thing to be able to pay your bills, pay rent, pay for the electricity bill, all that. Yeah, ultimately young marriage was the best decision for us because we've grown up together and...

I mean, I feel like our relationship is so deep because we've seen each other. I was talking with Matt about this the other day. I was like, I've literally seen you turn into a man. Yeah, and I've seen you turn into a woman. And so it's like so cool that, I mean, our love has already seen so many seasons. Yeah. Wow, that was like so poetic of me. It's beautiful. It is beautiful, really. And so I still think it's an amazing thing to consider. But also, yeah, I think Matt had great advice in saying, listen to the people that are saying no and kind of lean into that and listen.

take the decision very seriously. Yeah. One other brief thing. It's funny. I've noticed a lot of people that get married young have like, just from my experience, have been very successful people, which is like, what? Like, I don't know. It shocked me because initially I thought, wow, getting married young, I might set myself back.

because I'm making a big decision when I should be like having my college experience and being young and all that. But I've realized a lot of the young period, a lot of the young weird people I know are actually like ahead of the game because they take on an extra level of maturity at a young age. That's so true. And step up at a young age and they grow up faster. You really are, I mean, you do miss out on a college experience in the traditional sense, I would say. Or you're like-

standard early 20s experience. But then you get a fully new experience, right? Like, it's really flipping fun to be married when you're young. Um...

I'm going to stop there because I want, yeah, I don't want to say anything like too encouraging, I guess, because it is such a big decision. I want people to like really think through it. I think it's right for some people, but probably not for most, honestly. Yeah. Probably more people than decide to do it. Yeah. Does that make sense? You definitely need to take on like... Oh, dang. I forgot to put on deodorant today. It's all good. I can't smell you. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, next question. What do we got? Okay, this one's...

This one's from Pia from Germany, which by the way, I love the name Pia. That's so sweet. Hi guys. My husband and I, they're both 25, are having their first baby, a little boy in the next weeks. We just moved out of my parents' house to enjoy at least a few weeks of being just the two of us. I'd like to ask you guys for advice for first time parents about the baby. Like three things you wish you had known back when little Griffin came to join your family or three advices you'd give yourself now looking back on

All the best and so excited for the next episode. Griffin is now nine months. He just turned nine months the other day. And it's been like he's gotten so flipping cute, first of all. So just get ready. The first thing I thought of that I want to tell you, and I wish someone would have told me this.

It gets so much better. And now I want to say this, like the newborn months are so, so, so precious. Like, and they go so fast, but I kind of needed someone early on to tell me it's going to get easier because it does get easier. There were moms telling me and parents probably

not necessarily trying to be discouraging, but it was super discouraging. They would tell me, just wait. It only gets harder. Like, wait till they start. It's always like, just wait till they start crawling. Just wait till they start walking. Wait till they start talking. Wait till they start having an attitude. Like, it was always like they were getting me to dread the next stage. I hated being in that place because I was loving motherhood, but I was at the time, but I was also so excited for the future of what it was going to be like to raise our kids. And in the newborn stage, you're kind of limited to just

their basic survival needs. Like you're basically spending your time feeding, changing diapers, making sure they're, you know, getting good rest. It's basic needs, but it gets so much more fun when you get to start to interact with them and communicate with them and they can communicate with you. So just know like if you're struggling in those early months, it gets so much better.

And my advice would be to get your SHIT together before the baby comes because, oh man, did it hit us like a train? Because we're just, we're disorganized. We're unplanned. Like that's why we named this podcast the Unplanned Podcast because we are not like structured on time, you know, on top of it people. And oh boy, did that just like shake us to the core having a baby? Because now it's like,

even though used to we could sleep in and just like stay up really late and do all these things like just just live loosey-goosey lives and we had a lot of freedom now like

We're really limited in a lot of ways, which is okay. I don't know. I feel like it's kind of good to live it up before you have the baby. Well, I'm saying it's good to live it up before you have a baby, but you need to have systems and structures in place to make sure that you're prepared when the baby comes. Because I would say we didn't as much, especially as business owners ourselves. Yeah.

I was like, OK, your work stuff. Yeah. Get work figured out whether you, I don't know, work for a corporation or a teacher. I don't know. Whatever your job is like, get that figured out, too, because we did it on our end. And then it just kind of like hit us really hard. Yeah. I think we still had a pretty smooth transition, though, into parenthood. I don't know. It felt natural to me.

Yeah, I just think like all my expectations, like I, okay, a stupid, this was so dumb. I was like, once I'm a dad, once I like, once my baby comes, like I'm going to, then I'm going to start working out. Like what? Like, I don't even know. Like you're going to, your time is just like,

gone. Like, you have way less time. And like Abby said, though, it gets so much more fun. Right now, Griffin's, like, basically turned into, like, a little boy. He's, like, he's so communicative now. He doesn't speak English, obviously. Like, he's not at that point. He speaks baby. He speaks baby babble. But...

He's just so cute and he'll smile at us and giggle with us and we can have tickle fights together. And it's just like the freaking cutest thing ever. You hear their little laughs when they start to recognize you and prefer you. Like, it's so, so precious. And watching them just grow up, it's like...

It's truly something that you can never understand until you have children. And so it's so much joy and it just gets better. It truly does. Something else I wanted to say was – oh, gosh. I forgot about it. When you were talking, I was thinking about it. But then I was trying to listen to what you said and then I forgot what I was saying. I'll just say one other thing. Like getting childcare figured out before the baby comes because like say you are –

needing to hire a babysitter or a nanny, or you want to have some situation with your parents worked out where, with where your parents can watch your kid when you're at work. Like you definitely need to have those things figured out. Oh, I remember what I was going to say. Yeah. Let go of expectations because, um, there are so many fields of thought when it comes to raising a baby and there's going to be, you know, there's going to be people in your life that

That are lovingly going to try to, you know, say this is how you should do feeding. This is how you should do regarding breastfeeding or formula or baby led weaning or no sugar. Like, no screen times. A little bit of screen time. Like, there's going to be so many fields of thought. And just do your own research and then also follow your own intuition. Because there's going to be...

Such a, it's going to be a hot mess of opinions and just follow your own beat. The beat of your own drum. Yeah. Honestly, just, I think have confidence in knowing that you are the best parent for your baby. Yeah. And, um, you're able to, you're fully capable of meeting your child's needs. Yeah. So yeah. One other thing, have a weekly date night. It's so easy when you're a new parent to just put all of your energy and focus into your kid and not your spouse.

and that can quickly wreck your marriage and so we've found we've had moments in the past nine months where we just haven't been focused on our marriage because we've been so focused on our baby and it's it's not good it's not healthy for your marriage and it's actually better to prioritize your marriage which that will then in turn like help your baby right because yeah it's so sweet like when we kiss in front of griffin he loves it he loves it he freaking loves it i think i think

is something just like built in us that like when everything's good between mom and dad yeah like it feels safe you know i have a friend i felt really close with we met as roommates in college and got really close over the year then i even asked her to be a bridesmaid my wedding i love her so much and her energy helped me become a better more confident person

Now that we don't live together, I feel like I rarely hear from her. I text her multiple times over a month and I barely hear back once. I can't tell if she's just a really bad texter or doesn't want to text me specifically. It definitely feels like she isn't trying very hard at her friendship. I don't want to give up on it because I really liked her. Should I keep pursuing this friendship? Should I confront her and how? Oh, I hate that. Yeah. It's so sad because I think, look, I'm guessing she said that she was in college with her roommate.

Oh, yeah. We met as roommates in college. So probably like after college, she got married. I think that's been one of the saddest things is I've realized recently I don't talk to my college roommates as much. And they were so like I was so close with them in college. They were groomsmen in my wedding. And

The people that I talk to now aren't the people that I talked to four years ago. I think that there's still a way to make sure those relationships still keep going. Like I know one of my roommates is going to stay with us here and visit us in Phoenix here in a month with his wife and another one I'll FaceTime from time to time. So you can definitely keep those relationships going, but it definitely looks different from

after college, especially if you move away, if you don't live in the same city, like how, how are you going to hang out every day? Like you used to in college. It's just, it's impossible. Yeah. I think that was something that I had unrealistic expectations for entering into marriage is that it did change my friendships. Yeah. Um, because you kind of took priority. Yeah.

You didn't necessarily have priority as my boyfriend. You kind of did. But like I still really spent a lot of time with my girlfriends. And so it did put me in a stage where I felt disconnected from people that I once was really close with. And that made me really sad. Like do you remember – I remember there was one specific night. Oh, yeah. Like I was literally just crying on the couch of our apartment because –

Um, I was seeing my girlfriends hang out and I wasn't there and I wasn't invited and I didn't even know what was going on. And that was a tough thing to realize is that like, I don't even think they did it. They weren't intentionally leaving me out, but I would, they definitely didn't. They didn't, they weren't intentionally leaving me out, but all of a sudden I was in a place where I just was like easy to forget because I wasn't living with them. I wasn't, you know, I was, I had kind of moved on in a way from where they were. Um,

So it's really tough. But what I don't regret is I did have a tough conversation with them. And I wasn't like – I would say definitely be very aware of how you approach the conversation. But I do think a conversation should happen where you're like, hey, like I know you probably didn't mean to do this. Just go ahead and phrase it like that from the beginning and just say like I kind of – I wish we were closer. Like I wish we could hang out more and sometimes it feels like I'm putting more into this friendship than –

You are like things like that. I think you can really lay it out, but make sure it's in not a blaming way, but just a very like kind and gentle way. And then I think a lot can be gathered about someone's like how they are as a friend to you based on how they respond to tough conversations like that. What I love about Abby is she's not afraid to have the hard conversations with her friends.

So if somebody does something or says something that hurts Abby's feelings, she's going to say something about it. She's not going to go talk behind somebody, behind someone's back and like get a million people's opinion about what she should do first. Like she just goes directly to them and says like, hey, you did this and it hurt my feelings. And in that situation, I think you went directly to your friend who you just felt hurt by because you weren't invited to that hangout. This was like literally, this was like over two years ago now. This is crazy. It was like two and a half years ago in college.

when COVID was still going on. But yeah, like you went directly to them and they're like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Like we literally just like, it slipped my mind. And I think that to you though, made you realize, wow, like I've entered this different stage of life

And I want to have these friendships still, but it is going to look differently now that I'm married. Yeah. And I think that the best thing you can do, yeah, is just to tell them directly and then no resentment will build up. And like it shouldn't build up then because you're getting it out there and getting the response. And I think you can gather a lot by how they respond. Like my friends were like, oh, my gosh, I totally didn't realize I did that. Like, thanks for telling me. And then we kind of made like I think arrangements to –

see each other or kind of figured something out but um definitely go directly to the person because gossip will do nothing for the situation except make it worse yeah this one says i'm a new mom to to a three-month-old side story she's a miracle baby when she was born she wasn't breathing and i had to have open heart surgery right away oh my gosh god is good and she is thriving doctors are amazed with her health my husband and i are so grateful for her i'm looking for

fun activities to do with my baby. I can tend to get stuck in a rut and stay at home. Any fun ideas for mom and baby or even a young family to do together? Ooh, we just went on a walk around a local lake in Arizona. And like that was really cool. And I feel like if you go if you go to parks

and like lakes and places where like maybe you see other families. I feel like just getting out. Getting outside is like the key. So good for your mental health. And then hopefully you like would meet somebody too that you could end up hanging with. And I think it'll make your baby happy too. I think three months is hard because they're still super, super young. But what you can do is look up on...

on Pinterest, just look up activities for three month old. And I've been starting to do that with Griffin now. And I did a sensory bin for an eight month old and now I'm looking at stuff for a nine month old. There's so many smart people out there that have come up with...

activities to foster development in the exact stage that your baby's in. Also, KiwiCo is a service that will send stuff directly to your house. Oh, yeah. We did a brand deal with them a couple months ago. And they know exactly how old your baby is, and they'll send products that are perfect for the exact stage in development they are. Oh, that's true. Here's something else that we kind of did that was a little controversial, I guess, which was we kind of, especially when they're that young, we kind of just –

kept generally our same schedule and patterns, but then just took Griffin along. Yeah, yeah. And he became such an adaptable, chill baby from that. And I don't know, I think he gained a lot too from, he got to see the world. Well, I think it's really good to keep doing a lot of the things that you did before kids because you want to take care of yourself too. And you can't just like abandon all fun as an adult because you have a kid.

But at the same time, you need to approach it with a new mindset. And I think we learned this in Hawaii because Hawaii didn't really feel like the relaxing trip we were hoping for. We were really just existing in a different place in Hawaii when we went there for a month because I had all these plans to do all these crazy hikes and like didn't really think through the fact that we had a seven month old with us.

And so that being said, like you can do a lot of the stuff that you did before, but you need to approach it with a new mindset and plan accordingly. 'Cause I didn't do that in Hawaii. And then I was really let down because I thought we could do all these things that we used to do and we didn't. And it was harder.

And yeah, so definitely adjust your expectations. Adjust your expectations, but still try to get out because I think it's going to be good for your baby. It's going to be good for you. Yeah, be around other people so they get adjusted to environments around other adults. Because I think if you just have that as a normal thing that your kid does is being around adults, being around...

They know how to behave. They know how to behave and they're not going to freak out if like you don't take your kid out of the house for five years and then boom, they're at a restaurant and they freak out. I was going to say get out for you too so you mentally know you can go somewhere with your baby because sometimes I literally thought that I couldn't go somewhere with Griffin if Matt wasn't there because I became so dependent and then he went away for a little bit and it –

grew my confidence as a mom so much to like go to Costco with Griffin by myself, to go to friend's house with Griffin by myself because I

I needed to build a little mama confidence and I wasn't doing that in my own house. Yeah. I've also learned as a dad, like expectations are everything. So if I'm like trying to get a bunch of work done and then I'm like watching Griffin, sometimes I can get really frustrated if he is very, very needy. And I have like all these tasks in my head that I'm trying to accomplish and he's keeping me from doing them. But yeah,

then again if i'm watching griffin and i have the expectation of like okay i might do this one thing accomplish this one task but really he's my focus right now then i that experience is a lot more enjoyable because really he's my focus um

Um, I don't have a lot of stuff that like our plan to do. And I think that's kind of the mindset you need to take when taking your kid out to the park or to a restaurant, stuff like that. Yeah. Like last night we tried to go to a friend's house and have dinner and Griffin was just not having it. He was having a tough time. And so we just left and that's really fine. We still went there and yeah.

Everyone was okay. Everyone was fine. It was a bummer. I was bummed. It was a bummer. I wanted to play Mario Kart with our friends, Mike and Ashley. Mario Kart is such a fun game. We need to get it, okay? Why do we not have Mario Kart at our house? Because we don't have a console. We need to buy the Nintendo Switch and we can play Mario Kart together. Oh, man. Okay. Next question. Yeah. You can always revert and come home if you need to. Yeah.

Hey, real quick, if you could please leave our podcast review, it would mean the world to us. It only takes just a couple of seconds and you can do that on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you're listening to our podcast on. Seriously, guys, it helps push it out to a lot more people and it really, really does help us. So we'd really appreciate it. And if you're driving right now, please do not leave review while you're driving. You can just like pull over or something. Just please don't be unsafe.

We'd really appreciate your help in pushing the podcast out to more people. And now back to the episode. Or you can even like share it with a friend. Hey, yeah. Could you share this with a friend? Okay. Thanks. Back to the episode. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17. I'm now 23. We've also lived together for a year and have both said that we want to get married and have kids. I haven't seen any signs that he's getting ready to propose as of yet. How can I suddenly let him know that I'm ready for a proposal? My question is why does it have to be subtle?

Oh, yeah. Why can't you just say, hey, like what's going on? Yeah. Like if you're, you want to be subtle because, I mean this in such a, like a gentle way, but like if you are wanting to approach it in a subtle way because you don't want to like scare him, like why is he, is he the marrying type if he's scared of having that conversation? Is he going to get cold feet? Then I don't know. Yeah, I think, so I think if you're living together and you're not like saying, hey, I want to get married and just so you know, like,

I don't want to say an ultimatum, but like if you don't give some sort of timeline to like your expectations for them, then I feel like a guy might just be like, okay, like cool. We'll just like keep doing this and just do this for however long we feel like doing this. Like it won't, they won't take it seriously. So I think that clearly communicating to your, your boyfriend or fiance or whatever, like communicating, Hey, just, you know, these are my expectations. I'm, I'm in this for marriage. And if you're not like,

I think that's tough because they've been together now for like six years. That is really tough. That's super tough. And I think that if you've been together for six years, you should be comfortable enough to have a conversation like that where it doesn't even really have to be subtle. That's true. Where you say like, hey, this is something that's really important to me and I think we've been together for a long time.

Like, kind of what's your – maybe just first pose it. Like, don't – I'm not saying to, like, be aggressive about this. But first pose it as a question. Like, maybe, hey, we haven't talked about, like, marriage in a while. Like, I'm just curious, like, what's your ideal timeline for this? And what does that look like? And then you can kind of, like, hear his side of things first. And then be like, okay, like, I agree with that. Like, that feels good to me. I feel ready to move forward with this. Or if it's, like, pretty different, be like, oh, I'm kind of surprised by that because –

When we moved in together, I thought this was... That's good. Yeah, I think you should definitely... Sorry, I kind of... My response is almost like go in guns a-blazing. Don't go in guns a-blazing, okay? You're going to scare your boyfriend. You're going to scare your fiance. I think you need to go into it like asking questions first. Like asking, hey, what is your timeline for marriage? What is your timeline for engagement? Because who knows? He could already have...

have a ring. Yeah. Maybe he's like, maybe he's like, well, actually I was going to propose to you tomorrow. He gets down on one knee right there. You have literally no idea. Okay. So I think you need to go in with questions first to understand where he's at. And then once, once he explains his timeline, his expectations, then I think you need to go in and say, Hey, well, I want you to know that these are my expectations. This is my, this is my time timeline. This is how I feel and make a conversation about it. But I think that that's going to be a lot more effective than suddenly going in and being like,

it'd be so cute to get married. Like, I don't know, just like trying to throw in like subtle. Well, because for us, the conversations were extremely explicit. Yeah, we had very direct. Because it wasn't like, I mean, even though you proposed to me, like it was, we were both making this decision to go into marriage. So I wasn't like, I was not shocked when we got engaged. You know, we were talking about marriage. We were talking about this.

the specific timeline and everything. I think that was the funniest thing to me when we got engaged. I used to think as a kid, like people would just, a dude would just decide. Like maybe they're going to say no. A dude would just decide one day like, yeah, I think I'll just propose today. And then boom, like propose. Like, no, like I realized as I got older, no, you have a conversation first. Like the proposal is really-

It's more just like a – It's really a show. It's a romantic gesture. It is. It's a romantic gesture. You've already had the conversation. You've already done all that. If you want to be traditional, you can talk to their parents. That's what I did. But I don't think that's necessary. I don't think you – I'm just saying I think this girl has every right to be direct in this conversation. Wait. Do you think that it's necessary that guys talk to the parents of the girl before they propose? I don't think it's necessary. I would say too – I think it's a respectful thing.

to do but it's between the two of you exactly I think it's respectful and I think when you get married oftentimes you are marrying the family and you gotta be aware of that I don't know I think it's an old old it's an old fashioned thing that's not exactly sweet because it's like your dad doesn't own you as a girl exactly so it's kinda weird yeah now that's a really good point like if my dad would've said no

We still would have gotten married. I think it's more so of just like filling the parents in sort of thing. I think it's a very, I think it's, I think it's a very, very respectful thing to do. Yes. And I think you should do it. Yeah. But if they say no. If you have crazy parents, that's not on you. Exactly. And if the, and if the dad says no, and you've already made that decision with your soon to be fiance. I don't think it's wrong to go forward with it. Exactly. You can just go ahead. But I think.

it's probably the right thing to do just to let them know. But you're really not asking for permission. You're really just saying, hey, just so you know, I'm going to do this and I'm letting you know. That's kind of what it is. Yeah, but I don't think it should be phrased that way. Yeah, that's true. If I had a written message, I'd be like, well, hello there. Like, nice to meet you. Like, I would be like put off by that. I think it's, I still think it's so funny to this day that me and your dad had like a less than a minute conversation and then me and your mom talked for like over an hour. Yeah, I think that's how it normally goes. Yeah. So we're having our first baby due August 9th.

very close to our due date matt do you remember our due date due date is august 15th there you go it's literally right there we have it up in the podcast is that did you cheat and look at that no i didn't okay you can go back to the footage and look the second baby is a little different already like we're a little bit okay and i'm getting nervous on how to draw boundaries with our family when it comes to visiting the hospital etc any advice oh that's good what would you say abby

That is such a personal matter because even between me and my sister-in-law, we're very different on this topic. And so –

Gosh, you're always going to hear me say this, but you have to be just open and direct in your conversations. You can't beat around the bush with these things because, like I said, it can only make you grow resentment when it's just like, if you could have just communicated, which we are not always the best communicators at all. And so I think it's something that as I've gotten older, I've realized open communication is so important. Oh my gosh. And it doesn't mean that you don't, you know, say things directly.

sometimes in a nicer more roundabout way but the conversation needs to happen setting boundaries with the hospital visit is super important because if you don't discuss that beforehand you're going to get burned something's going to happen and then you're going to go gossip to your friends about how this person did this to you and it's like then it just creates all this drama they showed up unannounced when they thought that they were gonna be like maybe in their heads they're like it's gonna be such a sweet surprise for them to see us yes and there's just and it just creates

all this controversy and conflict when if you just have the uncomfortable conversation of telling people exactly what you want beforehand, then it solves all of that and you won't have to deal with any of that. - And if they,

feel offended, just acknowledge it. Say like, I'm sorry. Like, I know you want to be a part of this so much. Just be like, to be, and especially because it's your first, just be like, Hey, personally, I don't know how I'm going to feel. So I'm going to let my husband communicate with you. My needs also like make your husband be the bad guy because you've just gone through a lot. Like you are going through a major transition. Let your husband be the one. Um, if I don't know your relationship with your family, but

That might be a good option. Just like to say like, if you don't know how you're going to feel, just literally be like, I'm not sure how I'm going to feel in the hospital. Like, I want you to be involved with this baby. And I know you're so excited. Let me let you know before you come. Or things like that. Just make it explicit. And be extra more on the...

conservative side with that because then you can always just be like hey you know what why don't you come on over like if you feel up to it let's say like maybe you say we don't want any guests in the hospital be like as of right now because we're not sure what it's going to be like you know yeah set expectations before and just know that like they're so excited for you

And they're coming most likely from a very good place and not trying to like overstep. Oh, that looks like a big one. Do you want to do a long one? Yeah, there's a lot of words written there. Wow. This one says, I'm often wondering about where the parents of your spouse slash partner start to cross the line in regards to your relationship with said spouse slash partner. I was raised in a way that I believe the relationship between you and your partner is you and yours only. And you two are the ones making decisions, choosing your partner, solving your problems.

Hmm. Hmm.

my parents always ask questions about what we do and what my partner is doing, et cetera, too, but never ask about fights or disagreements and just give some general advice here and there.

Yeah. Yeah.

our decisions, etc. And her advice is then also coming from the same place of loving and protecting her child first, of course. This is probably happening gradually. So her question is, I was wondering to what extent you two include your parents in your fights or problems about how you communicate about it after or during and have you ever fought about that?

We are in our early 20s and have been together a few years, and I think the parents play an important role here also because of our age. And maybe just some general advice on how to include parents in a relationship in a healthy amount. Wow. Okay. I think first off, not a good idea. Including your parents in your fights and quarrels, not a good idea. Your parents are naturally going to have your back. They're going to take your side. They're not going to look at things big picture. No, honestly, in our relationship, it's the opposite.

oh my gosh, you're right. Yeah. Wait, that's so funny. Because they lived with you. They know your flaws. Yeah, my parents always, my parents literally never take my side. They take your side. And my parents always take,

That's actually hilarious. That's funny that you mentioned that. Which I think it can take opposite routes. But yes, continue with what you were saying. But I think like it's definitely more healthy. Like if you have a friend that's like if... Okay, look, you got to try to work it out between the two of you. But if there's something that like you really do... I don't know. You just need... You need to vent with your friend that's also a couple, right? Like all of our friends are couples. I don't know why that is.

Well, it makes sense to me. We're always together. You were always together. So we always hang out with other couples, other married couples. And so when you talk through things with our married couples, they can see the big picture. They're like, ah, like it's, there's no, there's always two sides of the story. There's always more going on. It's not like one person's right and one person's wrong. So I think that's like helpful just to, if you have a friend that's like a young married couple as well, you can talk through those things and you'll honestly laugh about it because you'll realize that you deal with the same crap. Like everybody's going through the same crap.

And what's funny to me is like when we were talking to one of our married couple friends one time, the wife was just like, and I just wish he would just give me a hug and just hold me and I would feel so much better. And I was like, oh my gosh, like that whenever you're down, like all I want to do is hold you and you're like, stop holding me, talk to me. But it was like, it was like we had the reverse problem anyway.

Well, okay. So it's really nice, like Matt's saying, talking about it with couples because then usually the wife can like give you insight so you don't think I'm just like a crazy person. Yeah. Or like even with that, you have to be so careful because what I want to stress to you is that you always in a marriage want to respect, I call it like the oneness of your relationship. Like the two of you have to both have this understanding that, how do I want to explain what I'm saying?

Yeah, like if you're going to openly like fight in front of people, that kind of breaches like a level of trust. Like if Abby or I talk to each other in a negative way in front of other people in public around other people, then it's like, whoa, can we not just keep – like if we're having some dispute, can we just keep it private and just like have a conversation in private away from the public eye? And there is a time and place where you can like –

in a safe and respectful way. Yeah. But I think that's very, very, very difficult to do with parents because like you're saying, there's intense biases when it comes to that. Oh my gosh. And you want to find someone, like we're saying a couple is pretty impartial because you have both the wife and the husband to like kind of give their feedback or like a counselor, they're going to be more,

hopefully, if they're a good counselor, like impartial to either side. I think with parents, it's very, very difficult for them to stay impartial. And so I think that we – it's not like we would never show conflict in front of our parents, but we are mindful about how we go about it. Also, in a weird way, I feel like it just depends on your relationship with your parents or your in-laws because in some ways, I feel like your parents –

Give us really good impartial marriage advice sometimes. Honestly, they do. We've had, like, interventions before where, like, actually, oh, my gosh, we're, like, I'm literally biting my tongue. We, like, sat down and we talked with my parents and my mom was, like, almost like a counselor. Yeah, I do think it depends on your relationship with your parents. Because I also have other friends that, like, they talk about, like, deep things that are involved in their marriage. But I think both conversations

Both partners have to be on board for that. Yeah. You got to understand though, I'm wildly independent. So like, it's not like my mom and I are like really, really close to me. Like I talk, I call my mom. Like I'm, I'm bad. You guys, I forget. If you talk to your mom, I'm almost always on the phone too. I forget to call my mom and my dad. Like I just like, I don't call home as much. Like I've gotten better. I call home like once a week now for the most part. Sometimes I forget, but like,

It's not like I'm this mama's boy. So if I was a mama's boy and I had a really tight, close relationship with my mom and I was telling her all this drama that Abby and I go through, then I feel like that would be an unhealthy situation where the mom's going to back me up as my best friend trying to tell you why you're wrong. You know what I'm saying? I think why it's also healthy is that it's not like you're talking to your parents and I'm not there. I'm present when that happens.

When those conversations are brought up. Yeah. Whereas I think in this situation, her husband's talking to...

the mom it seems like it might be more involved yeah it might be more of a mama's boy situation yeah and i think that also like she did bring up a good point their age also plays a factor because your parents are still letting go of yeah what are you laughing i'm just laughing because like with my parents i feel like they never take my side with anything it's like oh what's matt's opinion matt's wrong not necessarily i will honestly i think

I butt heads with my mom is what's funny. But in a sweet way. In a sweet way. No, my parents are amazing. Yeah, your parents are really unique in the sense that they're able to like, we're able to have those conversations totally comfortable. Yeah, I'm blessed to have really good parents. But to her issue, I think that this is not the same situation. It seems like the husband is talking without her present and it seems like it's hurting. It's like she's saying it's hurting the way they view her.

And that's not fair. So I think that that conversation needs to happen, not necessarily between you and your in-laws, but between you and your husband. Yeah. And say, hey, I think that...

Maybe just say, like, I really value, like, the oneness in our relationship. And it's not that I don't want to include people in, like, resolving conflict between the two of us. But I think that it needs to be dealt with in a more impartial. Yeah. This one says, I was dating a guy I really liked for a while. Okay. Six months. Yeah. And we even started talking about marriage and wedding dates. Things were really starting to progress to the point of encouragement. Or to progress to the point of engagement. Oh, wow. And then he dumped me. Oh.

He said it was all him and not anything about me and he loved me. He told me he can prioritize me while he was studying to be a dentist. I think she meant like he couldn't prioritize her. Oh, okay. This broke my heart. I thought I finally found the one. He was all I thought about. Now, two months later, he texts me to talk and

Oh. Okay. Ooh. That's...

So the question is, should I marry a guy that broke up with me and now wants to get back together? Okay. First off, I want to say, we just had your grandparents on the podcast and your grandparents like probably almost split like so many times. Well, actually they broke up and got back together again. She gave the ring back. She gave the ring back. Multiple times. Like multiple times. And I think your grandparents being married 56 years is the perfect example of like successful marriages can start off imperfectly.

And I've said this before, I'll say it again. You can do everything right in the beginning of your relationship and everything can be perfect. And then you get married and then you divorce. It happens all the time. And then conversely, like Abby's grandparents, everything can go wrong in the beginning and then it can end up working out. So being a great marriage that lasts. So consider that years. So consider that. But that being said, let's be smart. Let's be wise. Let's use wisdom in this situation. Um,

Yeah, there's definitely some red flags there. I have a couple thoughts on this. Yeah. So to give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe this guy just totally understands the gravity of the decision that he's about to enter. That marriage is life-

changing and it's a commitment and it takes work and he is unsure if he's in the stage of life where he's able to commit to that. Yeah, and I think... Because it is, she said he's studying to be a dentist. And I found that very interesting because he decided to prioritize his career over his relationship.

And I think that's a really big decision that young couples have to make early in life. Are you going to take on this new age idea of prioritize your career, be a boss, be a business owner, whatever, like prioritize work over your...

your relationships, right? Like your career matters more rather than I think an older mindset was like, no, you got to prioritize your relationships over your work. Like your work is for your relationships, not the other way around. For us initially in our relationship, we actually prioritized

our relationship over anything else. We both wanted to be actors. We both wanted to potentially be on Broadway one day. We wanted to move to New York City and be in shows. And we decided to go to school for theater. And then we ended up quitting that degree path and went to traditional degree paths instead. I went to go study finance. Abby was studying elementary education after her first semester at college because we wanted to prioritize our relationship.

I think that's a big decision that you have to make as a young couple. And it's clear that that's what happened in that situation. Yeah. But I don't think... While it's something to take note of for sure and that should advise decisions you make in the future with your relationship, I don't think that him breaking up with you is enough to be like, nope, never again. My hands are washed of him. Because the reason being, I probably would have said that. I probably would have said that before just because...

I was just ignorant to what that situation was because we dated and we didn't break up and we got married and it worked out great. I know too many people now that have been married that they're like, yeah, like we actually dated previously. It didn't work out. Things didn't work out. And then we broke up and then got back together. Yeah. So...

I don't think that should be the reason that you don't entertain this. If you really think that this guy could be the one and you love him, I don't think that's enough to just completely disregard it. But don't just go crawling back into his arms the second that he wants you back. Like you, I would play hard to get. I would, I would be a little tough with this guy. I think that you need to draw some boundaries. You do. And say like, you know, this hurt me. Yes. Like I was all in for this. I think as a way to protect yourself, you need to tell, like you need to definitely have those boundaries and,

and make it clear to him that he needs to show you why you should trust him, like why you should fully think he's serious this time. Because if before he ended up switching gears and breaking up with you, like you need to make sure that something's actually changed in him rather than him still being all over the place and not knowing what he actually wants. Yeah, because if it's only been two months...

Like, it's not that I don't think that his mentality could change about marriage. It's just that he does need to explain some things. And I think it boils down to you need to value your own heart, like, and protect yourself in this too. Because if you've been hurt and crushed by this, then that – you can't just keep opening yourself up for that all the time. Because then you're just going to become –

jaded to all relationships if this doesn't work out, you know? Yeah. It's so interesting how this is such a common challenge that young people face. Like for us initially, we chose a relationship. And I think since doing social media, there's definitely been times where you were like, Matt, you're like prioritizing work over work.

over our relationship. And I think you were right in, in some of those situations. And I think it's just a constant struggle. I think there's nothing wrong with prioritizing work. If you're someone that's not married or, or maybe even if you are married, it's okay to prioritize work for a time. Cause sometimes maybe, maybe you need to pay the bills and you need food on the table and, and there's no other option than to work your butt off just to be able to, uh,

keep the lights on at your house, but you need to make sure that at the core of everything, if you're going to be married and in a relationship, you need to be putting that before your job. I do have a hard time too when people are like, right now, like I just can't even think about marriage because there's so much going on. It's like your life will never be just like

Until you're retired and you're like in your 60s, it's never going to be just like there's nothing going on. It's just me and you. Like you are choosing a partner to go through all the ups and downs of life with. That includes like when your work is being extremely demanding. That includes when, you know, one of you is sick or, you know, it includes all of those highs and lows. So to say like I can't even think about marriage right now because like this, that, and the other. Sometimes I'm like what do you think life is going to look like? Totally.

Because I think there can be some situations where like that's just that's wisdom. Yeah. But there's also situations where I'm like, that's just unrealistic. And in life, you got to choose your heart, right? Like not being married is hard. Like you might be lonely and you might wish that you had a partner to go through life with. Being married is hard because then you have you're marrying a set of problems. Then you have someone with you all the time. Yes. Yeah.

And like when you're like when you marry someone, you're really you're choosing your set of problems. No matter who you marry, you're going to marry into problems. And that's like a really big decision. You have to understand that it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's not like Hollywood makes it out to be. So so recognize that.

But I will say, like, me as a young guy getting married, I had cold feet going into the marriage. Like, a month before the wedding, I was like, holy F, are we actually doing this? Is this actually a lifelong commitment? A month before Griffin was born, I was like, holy F, am I actually having a baby? So maybe this guy is just getting cold feet. Yeah, and I got that. I know you got that. And he's communicating with you, but maybe he's having a hard time communicating that. So then it just resulted in him fleeing for a little bit. And then he was like, what am I doing? Like, that's not really what I want. So...

Like I said, her question was, should I marry a guy that broke up with me and now wants to get back together? My answer is maybe. Yeah. But don't just go in being all naive. Like go in with wisdom. Go in making sure you're asking. Maybe say like, hey, I'm not going to do this again. Ask the right questions. It really comes down to asking the right questions. If you can ask this guy the right questions and make sure that he's. Like what question would you ask this guy? Oh, man. I would say, what changed? That's the biggest one. What changed from two months ago till now? Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Um, there's so many more like what are your expectations now with our relationship? Because because i'm ready gonna look like because i'm someone exactly and like I'm someone that once I I see myself getting married in the next year or so like What what does that look like for you? Uh, are you willing to be married while you're going through? Dentistry school and you might have to be poor and like eat like rice and beans for a little bit just to pay the bills but the thing is like

Money doesn't make you happy. We've learned that. We've experienced that. We are super, super happy when we were poor living in low-income housing in college. Like there's a lot of freaking fun stuff you can do when you don't have money. There's a lot of free crap you can do that's fun. So it's like you can be poor and like have your spouse going through dentistry school and have a lot of freaking fun. So don't think like, oh, well, this is going to – these years are going to suck because you won't have any money to do anything. You can do so much without money. Yeah. Yeah.

Not to say that like, I think it's a tool, right? Like it's nice to like buy a house. It's nice to buy a car, but like, I don't know. I think you need to just like think about what you want. Think about what they want. Make sure that you're on the same page. It doesn't seem like it's a financial thing. Yeah. But ask the right questions. Ask the right questions. I think that's really good advice. Yeah. And yeah. Thank you so much for watching the Unplanned Podcast. If you haven't already hit the like button, hit subscribe. It would really help us out. If you're listening on a podcast platform, definitely leave us a review. It helps us out so much.

And we'll see you in the next one. Abby, can you read a review that we got? Here we go. This is from at itsmegspage on Instagram. I followed y'all for a couple years now, and I just love how y'all are with each other, how much you consider each other. I will be getting married at the beginning of May, and y'all have given me so much comfort in being ready for such a big step in my life, helped with understanding and just being open with my spouse. Thank y'all so much for being who you are. May the 4th be with you. Oh, that's our wedding date. What?

Wow. That's so cute. We'll think about you on May the 4th. Congratulations, Meg. Thank you, Meg. Good luck with everything and thank you so much for leaving a review. It means so much to us. Thank you.