Our Birth, Fighting Postpartum Depression & C-Section Recovery
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He was out so fast. They told me they were like, you're going to feel a little pressure. And then all of a sudden screaming like a banshee. Here is August Jacob. It felt like we cheated birth. We were like, this is easy. Everything's going so great. Nothing possibly could go wrong. But quickly things started to hurt. Everyone's eyes are on the baby. It's easy for moms to get overlooked. The emotional needs after birth are so great. It feels like the world is ending. It feels like my life as I knew it is complete.

What's up dudes? And welcome back to the Unplanned Podcast. Wow, what?

a whirlwind it has been oh my gosh we just had our second kid we're now a family of four let's just paint the picture right now i have an ice pack strapped just above my crotch nice my boobs are they're exploding rock solid i think your boobs are bigger than your butt at this point undoubtedly and is that painful is that is that painful extremely painful okay we'll get into that great um

And we're both exhausted, but we are, I mean, honestly, we're at the point where every day is dramatically better than the one before it. Yeah. I was up till 4 a.m. last night, but surprisingly, it was our best night yet.

So. And we have done everything we can to sneak away from our family just to get here. Yeah. For one hour, we're going to give you what we've got. Okay, let's get into it. Let's get started. So the day of the C-section. I want to start back a little bit. Oh, where are we starting? We're going to start back at Griffin's birth. Griffin had shoulder dystocia. Is that? Yeah. So Griffin's shoulders got stuck in the delivery, which is why it was...

you know, presented as an option to do a scheduled C-section this time around, which we took. And they were completely different experiences. Totally different. Skipping labor is the wildest thing. That is weird. Because it's like you just bypassed that like extremely intense experience and

And I'm kidding you not. Okay, let's go to the day of the surgery. How were you feeling that day? The morning of the surgery, how did you feel? So the morning I woke up, I was insanely calm. Like I did feel like I wanted to be alone to just kind of like, you know, get into a good headspace and relax. And I just feel like there's a good, it's a good time just kind of like,

Gather your thoughts and just like evaluate. How am I feeling right now? I felt great like I There was a time in the night where I slept good except I did wake up at like 3:30 And I was just like it was like Christmas morning I'm like something big is happening and like we were about to meet a new member of our family and we knew that it was happening It's like with another with our induction or kind of waiting to get a call to say that there's a bed available and so we didn't know but like to

Go to bed that night knowing the next day we were going to meet our baby was –

The most insane I say christmas morning, but that doesn't even do it justice Like it's like we're about to meet the person that we're gonna have in our lives I think it kind of snuck up on me. I felt Like I was running around like a chicken with its head cut off I was trying to get as many things done as possible before the birth and I just saw time ticking away and I was like crap I need to do this. I need to do this and Long story short. I did not get all the things done that I wanted to get done, but that's okay and

Yeah. And that was still like with knowing when it was happening. I know. That was the weirdest thing too. Knowing the day, knowing the time, the location, everything. That was so weird because with the first birth, we had no idea. I mean, we didn't know the hospital we were going to, but it was, there were so many unknowns in this time. It was all scheduled. And that was really weird.

Yeah, it was weird, but it was also extremely nice. Like it was very handy. Like I knew, you know, when the end was coming and I knew what to do. Like I was ready. I was showered. I would say I was well fed, but I wasn't because they recommended that I be fasted. So I hadn't eaten for like 12 hours before. Yeah.

So yeah, basically the night before is when I just like I stopped eating once I went to bed that night. And I had the sporadic decision the morning of to show you the song that I wrote for our son, which like I was like, do I show it to her now? Because then she can listen to it at the hospital and during the recovery. And I was like, you know what? Abby deserves to know the song. I was so hesitant to let Matt play this song for me because I was already feeling like

Okay, I want to be as strong mentally as I can going into this. And I feel like this song could break my heart in a good way. But I was like, I just can't have it broken right now. Because it's about to break anyway.

But no, it was such a good song. We've been listening to it so much. Thank you. It's been literally in my head. Like I love, love, love this song. Wait, have they heard it yet? I don't know. I think at the time of this podcast being out, I'm sure that the song's already out. We could probably like just put a link in the description of the episode. Oh my gosh. People want to listen to it. It's the sweetest thing ever. And I feel like so many people will be able to like relate to this and just...

I don't know, see their own family in this experience. It was fun writing it because I was thinking about like memories with my dad and how we used to go watch little league baseball games and get ice cream on Friday nights together and just had so many fun memories of us spending quality time. And I'm like, what are the things I want to do with my son?

that are going to be our special things. And so it was really fun playing that song for you. I'm glad you liked it. So thank you for sharing it with us. Of course. I'm glad that you made this one public and I didn't have to leak it. This one is public. Yeah, you didn't have to leak this song. Abby leaked my last song. I didn't tell anybody about it except for her. But

But other people deserve to feel or not deserve, but like a lot of people can be touched by your music. Thank you. I think this one's good. I mean, like not to say my first song was bad, but like that one was more for you. And then this one obviously was for our son, but I feel more comfortable with other people listening to it. I think other people can hopefully connect to the song and feel some of the same things that I was feeling as I wrote those lyrics. But I think this song is good and I like it. And I was so excited to show you. So I'm glad that you like it. I love it.

it and we've been listening to it a lot especially like in the middle of the night when things are like crazy with a newborn that doesn't know his days and his nights yeah it's been really like uplifting and kind of like reminds us of like what I don't know like how precious these moments are even though sometimes they can feel really like

Oh, my gosh. I just wish that we'd be past this stage, you know. So we get to the hospital. Wait. No, no. So you play the song for me. And then we just like it like it just the morning went so fast. And we just said goodbye to our son. We put him down for his last nap and then packed up the car and left. And like we're headed to the hospital. And it was very surreal. Like like any time you're going to the hospital to have a baby.

And we get there and basically we just got admitted. They asked us a bunch of questions. It's very calm because I'm obviously not having...

like intense contractions. I was having contractions since honestly for like over three weeks before we had him, which usually with a scheduled C-section, I think you always have them at like 39 weeks. I was 39 weeks in like two days. So I was having contractions, but they weren't like active labor contractions, weren't painful. And they weren't like progressing into labor anytime soon probably. Yeah.

We go answer all the questions and then we're back in our labor and delivery suite, which I didn't think they would put me in a labor and delivery room since I wasn't laboring. We were barely back there, though. Yeah, I go back. They have me wipe my belly, sanitize it, which I think is just extra because I'm sure they sanitize it in that operating room a million times.

Rub my belly, like sanitize it. It was kind of like emotional too, saying goodbye to the belly like the last time. Yeah. And – Are you getting emotional? Yeah. It's okay. I'm a hormonal mess. It's okay. But if anyone else is like – you understand. Like after you have a baby, even if you don't necessarily love being pregnant – like I don't love being pregnant –

There's something about it where you're just like, I cannot believe like you were inside me and now you're out. And it just like makes me sad in a way, even though I like love him being out here and like getting to hold him and snuggle him. Yeah. It's the most confusing thing because I wouldn't say that I like being pregnant, but then there's this happened with Griffin. Like the last time I was pregnant, I was just like afterwards, I was like, I want him back in my belly. I don't understand why my hormones do that to us. I guess that's why we keep having babies, right? Yeah. Because you just like hormones are crazy. They are so crazy.

So anyway, sanitize the belly, change into the gown and the little socks, the gripper socks, and give us our hair nuts. And then we wait back there for a little bit because I think they like make sure you're stable. Yeah. Because they had a reading. They could see my like contractions. They could see that the baby was stable. They were doing fetal heart monitoring. And then, I mean, I was probably back there with – I was with you for –

45 minutes? Yeah, probably 45 minutes. And then 15 minutes before you get back, Matt's getting in his scrubs and the vibes were so calm. Like, I feel like it wasn't... Well, you weren't in labor. Like before with the first birth, you were in labor. It was very painful for you. And I was worried about you being in the most pain you've ever experienced in your whole entire life. And so this...

This was just really chill. It was oddly chill. It was really, yeah, really comfortable. Matt scrubbed up. You looked really cute in your scrubs. I pictured them being blue, but they were green. So it was different. What's up with that? I don't know. You had a blue hairnet. You know what it is? They wanted us to look different than the actual staff. Because if I wore blue scrubs, then I would look like I worked at the hospital. That has to be what it is, right? That's probably it. Yeah. I don't know. And so then...

You know what's weird? What? Why did they wheel me back for surgery? Because I wasn't numb or I hadn't had anything at that point. Great question. Oh, well, you did have an IV in your arm. I know, but I could walk with that. Weird. Yeah, I don't know.

But basically they had me get in the bed and they wheeled me to the OR. Yeah, you had your IV. I was still feeling so calm. Like there was never any time where I was like super nervous. Yeah, it was weird. I was so excited. Obviously you couldn't eat or drink anything leading up to the surgery. But it was weird that they did tell you the one exception was having a little bit of apple juice and some, was it Tylenol?

That you took? Tylenol and apple juice. Because it apparently helps the pain after the C-section? Nothing tasted better than the apple juice after I was so thirsty through the night. After fasting? Yes. And so I had like 16 ounces of apple juice and Tylenol. And then they wheel us back. And then you had to leave for like...

So if you do have a scheduled C-section, just be prepared to not have your – it could be – like if you're not expecting to have your support person leave you, that could be something that you might just want to prepare for. Because also I'm pretty sure – yeah. Sometimes they don't even let your partner in until you're already open. Yeah.

Which is, I don't know how to say that in a way that's not. Yeah, you weren't open yet. When I came back into the room, they hadn't even started on you. Yeah. So basically Matt left me for maybe 10 minutes. Like it wasn't long. And at that time they gave me a shot to numb, like I think it was just lidocaine. Yeah. The site of the spinal blocker, which is what they gave me for like as like to numb me during the,

The procedure and the anesthesiologist was so nice, so calm. He was very...

very kind he was a super nice guy yeah and then um he weren't you just like laying there like naked though like on on a table just like well let me i'm gonna get to it do you know what happened when you were gone not really so they had me like sit up and like i leaned forward and they numb the site which that was probably the most uncomfortable part of that of the whole surgery yeah was numbing it before the spinal blocker okay

Which I did feel the spinal blocker go in, but it's more of just like a pressure and not a pain. Yeah. And it all happened so fast. So it's like, it really wasn't that painful when you consider like it lasted, what, 60 seconds max. They numb me. And then there's a bunch of people in the room at this time. And I am new. How many? Five, ten? Probably...

Somewhere in between that, like eight people. Wow. And so then they just say they numb you and then you slowly they slowly lay you back. I'm saying you, but they slowly laid me back. And I could. The odd thing is, is like I could tell when they were like moving, removing my gown and stuff, but I couldn't.

Wait, you knew, but you couldn't feel it? It's so hard to explain. Like I knew I was naked. Could you feel like air hitting your face as your clothes came off? Like how did you know? I have no, I think that I could still feel touch. It was more of like the air.

I don't really know how to explain it. Oh, you know what it is? So it's like when your face is numb at the dentist, like you can still feel like yourself touching your face, but it's still numb. Okay. So maybe it like, maybe it's other places in your body that are feeling the vibrations from that area. Yeah. But those, cause it's not like your face was numb, but you're, but down here you were numb. So then they laid me back and I am still incredibly calm. They asked me like what songs I wanted to play and they're playing music.

I told him I wanted to listen to Johnny Swim, but I think there was a miscommunication. They started playing John Mayer, which is totally fine because that's the vibes I wanted, which is chill, relaxing, sweet. It really made a big difference. It kind of set the atmosphere so calm. They basically come in and they're like, well, then they put the catheter in.

So my legs are, I knew my legs were like splayed open and they were putting, I could feel the catheter going in. Did you feel uncomfortable at all that like everybody was just like moving so quickly around you and you didn't really know what was going on? I mean.

A little bit, I guess, but it wasn't like anything. It wasn't that big. I felt like everyone else was in so so in control that I was like, I don't even need to know what's going on. Like it was a well oiled machine in there. They knew what they were doing. They knew exactly what they were doing. And I was felt I feel really comfortable with my doctor. This is the second baby she's delivered of ours. And like, I just felt so I was in good hands.

And so then they brought you in. I don't think they really did anything else. And I was kind of like laying there by myself for a while. Oh, they do like lay your arms out. And then they put the – because I could still kind of move my arms, I think. And then they put the curtain just above my neck so then I couldn't see anything. I was still like – the curtain wasn't up when they did the catheter or anything. So like I could still see stuff.

Kath, the curtain goes up and then I'm pretty sure you came in. Was the curtain up when you came in? It was. It was. But you could see everything. Yeah, I could. Were my legs out and everything? Like my vagina totally out? I mean, they had... Are we allowed to say vagina on this podcast? I don't even know. So sorry to interrupt. I have a very specific ask for you. And if you have someone in your life, maybe a new mom or just new parents in general, someone that is pregnant...

Send this podcast to them. Send this podcast to somebody that needs to have a friend to help them through a hard time. We want to be your buddy. So yeah. Yeah. And we feel really thankful for this community. So let's just let it grow. Yeah. And yeah.

And let's get back to the episode. I mean, they had some sort of like film, some sort of like plasticky looking thing on your body. It's almost like they had like, you know how with paint by numbers, they have different sections like labeled so you know like where to go. It's almost like they had like labeled your abdomen or like labeled you. So it's like this is where we're going to do the incision. Yeah, because I think they had like markings with a marker on you and stuff. I'm pretty sure. I thought they just marked on me. And it looked like they had some sort of

device or tube or something like literally anything.

Like right into your abdomen like you were you were opened up No, because no, no, I haven't gotten even to the part where they opened me up because I did want to tell people I could feel them opening me up Oh, yeah, tell me about did they use scissors? I don't know. I wasn't watching. I was almost positive. It was scissors I was a little nervous. So I was just trying to focus Yeah, but I was just focused on you and I was trying to like keep you calm and play with your hair and just like Why is that gonna make me cry? Because I actually wasn't really nervous. Oh, you were nervous for me. Yeah, I

I was nervous for you. Wait, describe how you were feeling. Like, when you went back by yourself, like, what did you do? I was nervous for you. Like, I didn't want you to be scared. I didn't want you... I was... I don't know why I always have this irrational fear, but I had this, like, weird fear that what if Abby could feel everything? Like, that really, really scared me. I knew that was, like, irrational, but it was still a fear. So I was like, I really hope...

that they got some sort of system in place in case in case the numbing didn't work i don't know like i just i was really worried about you being comfortable and not being in pain you know the weird thing was all that wasn't thinking about that you're kidding because i was really i was yeah i mean i was i don't know how to explain it like i guess i can kind of separate my mind from like my circumstances sometimes yeah and i think that happened i dissociated

I don't know if that's the right word. I think I just misused that. But basically, like, I felt really calm. Like, I just... I don't know how to... Maybe they gave me, like, medicine to make me feel calm or something. Yeah. But, yeah. So they started the procedure. And I will say, not to freak anyone out, I did feel them...

It's like they say you like feel things but it's not painful and it's such a weird. I was honestly kind of looking forward to this in a way to just know what they're kidding just to know what the feeling is like to it just to know like I was like well I wouldn't opt to do this obviously but like yeah just to know if you're like okay I'm gonna this is gonna happen I'm kind of curious like what this is gonna feel like and.

And it is such a weird thing because you do. You're like there in my insides and pulling things out and moving things around and cutting things and snipping and pushing. Wait, did you see my organs outside my body?

You know what I really didn't notice? Okay. It looked like they had, like, taken your belly and, like, flapped it down. Almost like they had, like, see, like, my lips? It's almost like they had, like, pulled your lips down. You know, you see my dude tattoo on my bottom lip? Yeah. It's almost like they did that with your belly. Do you guys want to know the craziest thing? What? In the light, there's obviously so many lights in the operating room. That's the other thing. It was so bright in there, which makes sense. Obviously, they need to see what they're doing. In the light of the reflection, I could see...

What was happening? And obviously it wasn't extremely clear and it was very tiny, but it did look like Grey's Anatomy, but it was actually my body. And it was so, it's one of those things where I was like, I probably shouldn't look at this, but it wasn't freaking me out. And so I couldn't honestly look away at times because

Basically, 15 minutes after I was open, max 15 minutes. It felt like I walked in and they pulled out the baby right there. He was out so fast. They told me they were like, you're going to feel a little pressure. And then they kind of pushed on my belly and then...

It wasn't anything crazy. And then all of a sudden, screaming like a banshee, here is August Jacob. It felt like we cheated birth. It was crazy. After going through such a scary, traumatic, you know, I mean, it was almost like it was bloody too. Like there was blood everywhere with the first birth. I was not expecting that. So with this one, it felt like we cheated because we just like walked into the hospital, walked into this room.

Boom, you're open and here's our kid. It was just like so quick. I was like, there's no way this is happening right now. It was really a beautiful experience. Like happened so fast. It was so calm. He was just...

kick like screaming and we knew he was good and he was big he came out did he seem big yes i mean they're holding him up and he's just like he's covered in all the goop and i mean he he looks so cute now but every time every time with birth still like when babies come out right away bro they look like little aliens they well they kind of are they don't look they look extraterrestrial they're not well they're kind of purple and covered in gunk

But they didn't show me him. I thought they were going to like put him over the curtain and show me him. Wait, yeah. Why didn't they do that? I don't know. But it's okay. I heard his cry and that was really sweet. Wait, I just realized that. Now I'm sad for you. They never got, you never saw your baby. I thought they were going to lower the curtain and I got to see him. I thought they would like come around and show your baby. They didn't come around and show your baby right away. No, they took him. But you know, you went with him. Wait, yeah. Now I'm bummed for you because I got to see all that, but you didn't get to see the baby. Because like in videos I've seen of birth, that's what they do is they take the baby around. Were you sad that you didn't get to see him? I was.

I don't know how to tell you this. I don't remember how I felt in this moment. It all happened so fast. It felt like it was happening to somebody else. Yeah. And so that's why like when you're like, were you scared? I'm like, I don't know. Were you happy? I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know how I felt. Yeah. But then I heard his cry and then it was like starting to like awaken me. I was like, oh my gosh, that's my baby. Like that's my son. Yeah. And they took him.

And then everyone was like, wow, he's so healthy. He's a big guy. And August Jacob was born at 1252 on August 10th. He was, what was he? Eight pounds, 14 ounces, 21 inches long.

And he was mad. He was so angry. He did not want to be out of the womb. He was so snuggly. I think it was jarring for him. I'm sure it was because it happened so fast. Can you imagine just being like taken out of your home so quickly? So bright. So cold. You're just chilling in there.

So they go and they quickly, they were really quick about this, like doing whatever they needed to do. And then, I can tell you what they did. Well, yeah, tell me what they did. They, they went ahead and weighed him. They measured him. They put this stuff on his like eyes to like, I don't know if it was cleaning his eyes or just to make sure that they didn't get infected. I don't know what the, what it was, but they put all this goop on his eyeballs or like right, right between the little eyelids. Yeah. Um,

Um, and they clean him up a little bit. They kind of like, I think they wiped him down. They leave some of that stuff. It's called vernix. Oh, and then their skin. Yes. Vernix. And then I got to cut the cord. So they had all of that there for me. And I cut the cord. Did you see the placenta?

i didn't i forgot to say that i donated my placenta wait i'm very proud of you for doing that by the way thank you for donating your placenta it's for um they kind of gave you a rundown of like who like what it's for but a lot of it goes to burn victims and helping them like with skin grafts and like growing their skin so they came in before my surgery and i wasn't prepared to be asked this but i'm glad they asked me like do you feel comfortable like donating your placenta and i was like sure basically if you want to do it um

i think they use some of it for research too but mostly it's for burn victims is what they were explaining but um basically like they ask you like a lot of questions it's like 40 questions some of them are very personal very personal um there was like 10 questions about sex in there and i'm like wow why does this is this necessary for a placenta donation i'm sure they need

to make sure like if they're going to use it on other people that i guess stds are they know what makes a difference i guess yeah and so then they ask questions and then they did a blood draw and then that's all they had never even saw your placenta that thing was whisked away so they cut it but then you get to just cut the cord a little closer

That's a good point because the cord is obviously attached to the placenta. You know what? I think they had cut the cord, but not like... They let you cut it closer. They let me cut it closer. So they could have done it for me. With Griffin, did you cut it straight from the placenta? I can't remember. I don't know. You know, I feel like they make a big deal about this stuff, but... No, I think it's more like a ceremonial thing for a dad. Like they already do the cutting because I'm pretty sure with both births, I don't think that the cord was attached to the placenta at that point. I think they just had like a solid foot long cord for me to work with just to make me feel good about myself.

That's funny. So was that cool? It was cool. I mean, it's just, it's weird. I'm like, are we sure this doesn't hurt them? Because it's like the cord is so, it looks like it's flesh, you know? But you know it's not because it dies immediately. I know, but it's like connected to an organ or it was inside your body. So it feels weird like cutting that. That is weird because it's like not a part of me and it's not a part of him. Yeah.

I mean, I guess it technically is a part of both of us for only the shared time that we're together inside the body. They asked us if we like wanted to frame the placenta or like turn it in pills. No, they said that the woman they asked before me was going to take it home to paint with her placenta. To paint with the placenta. And you know what? Look, to each their own. I get it. But at the same time, this is an organ. Don't make me laugh.

Sorry, I know. Making you laugh, that does hurt your incision. It's also not just like... I mean, it does provide nutrients for the baby, but also it's kind of like a liver. Like it filters out. No, it is... Yeah, it's an organ. So you don't really catch people like taking other organs out of their body and like painting with them. But I guess this is one... It's a beautiful thing. It nourished your baby in your womb. I can see that. But also, it's not for me. That's all I'm just going to say about that. It's just not for me. Like I just... You can...

Use it for science. Making it into pills would be cool, but I'm glad that you donated it, though, because it's like we can buy pills at the grocery store, but these burn victims who need skin grafts, it's cool that you were able to donate that. So I'm proud of you, and I know that you hate getting your blood drawn. I don't hate it, but people are like, yeah, let's... I'm glad that you were... Wait, you're acting like I hate it, and I'm terrified of it. Okay, well...

I don't know. There's been times where you were afraid of it. Like when we donated plasma in college. That was the one reason I didn't like that was because I almost passed out. That's true. Something weird was happening with my blood there. I think they did something wrong. They like used like a too big of a, like they used like a straw to take my blood out. Remember that? Yeah, when you do plasma donation, they use a really thick needle. And I think I was like blacking out a little bit. Yeah. Anywho, so Matt's with the baby. They get him all prepared. And then did you carry him over?

I brought him over to you. Yes, that's what I thought. So we had him all swaddled up. This is kind of fun to recap together. Got him all cozy in his swaddle, put a little hat on him, got some pictures. We just kind of hung out while they stitched you up. That took a while. No, no, no. Because you brought him to me right away. Yeah, I brought him to you. And I just left him. And then his head, our heads were together. Yeah. While I was getting closed up, which that took a long time. Yeah. I would say the rest of the surgery was probably like 40 minutes, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah.

That I was like, okay, can we wrap this up? But I also wanted them to do a good job. So his head was on mine and I just, he calmed down and it was just so beautiful. Like getting to see him. Obviously, I wish I could have, you know, held him right away like you can in a normal vaginal delivery situation.

But I got to hold him so soon. Yeah. So anyway, they're finishing up the surgery. I can feel things moving around. Nothing was painful. Something I did not expect with my C-section was the shoulder pain, which I think – didn't we read something before when we were like preparing for a C-section that like you could have your shoulders hurt? I feel like we read that on a Pinterest thing. And I was like, okay, whatever. That's weird. Probably not going to happen to me. No. My left shoulder was in –

Of course, this is the last thing you'd expect. You're cut open. So random. They've separated your abdomen. Yeah. My shoulder is hurting. I don't know how to explain it. I thought something was on my shoulder. I actually told the anesthesiologist. I was like, something is pulling on my shoulder. He's like, no, it's trapped gas.

How does gas travel up from the incision wound into your shoulder? But it did. It did and it hurt. And you weren't, I wish you would have been more vocal with me about that because I didn't know that you were in all this pain. Like I didn't realize it was that bad. Well, I was only thinking about the baby, but then everyone's always like, oh my gosh, my shoulder hurts. Yeah. It really hurts. It really hurts. But I was also like, what are they going to do about it if I keep talking about it? So that was something I did not expect. And not everyone feels that, but I did. I did. I got some serious shoulder pain. So that's it.

So then my doctor's like talking to me as this whole procedure is going on. Yes. And what was weird to me, Abby, is they were just having casual conversation while they were cutting you open, stitching you back up, doing all that. They were talking about trucks. And I wasn't talking. I was just like quiet. Yeah. I almost feel like people were like, hey, what do you want to do for lunch after this? Yeah, we go get some Chipotle. You know, like it was just like so casual for them, which was weird. But it also made it more calming because I was like, ah, they're just chilling. Like they've done this a million times. They're just casually talking about trucks. Yeah.

While they stitch you up, you know? Yeah. So that was good. Wait, so they were doing stitches then? Yes. I think at the point that I heard the nurses and doctor talking about trucks was when you were being stitched up. So I think they stitch up what they can, but they don't stitch up everything that they separate in there. And then at the incision site, they actually put staples in mine, which most doctors apparently don't do anymore. Yeah. But my doctor put staples in. For a cosmetic reason, right? She was wanting to make the skin. That's what she said.

She thinks it like lays flatter. Lays flatter. Okay. We'll see. So there's probably like 10 staples in it. Yeah. And basically then they're like, great. The baby came out. They said that he had broad shoulders. And he hadn't descended at all into my pelvis at the time of the surgery even though my body was trying to probably get him there because of contractions. So yeah.

my doctor felt pretty confident that we would have probably ended up in an or in the or at some point anyway which i know that there's so many oh my gosh i know there's so many opinions on birth so i'm like so hesitant because i know that the minute i talk about it then it gives people the right to share their opinion on it like disclaimer this is just our story this is just our experience and so if something we say offends you like please just know that we're just sharing

our side of things and i'm sure there's so many other experiences that you could hear or maybe your experience was very different from ours but this is just maybe you don't agree with our decision yeah like but but at the same time the doctor did say after our son came out that it most likely would have been an emergency c-section because he had such broad shoulders he would have not fit through the birth canal and on top of that he hadn't descended at all um

And it was really high up. And I don't think people realize like if you have one shoulder dystocia, you're most likely going to have another one. Well, that's what people disagree on. Oh, I guess. Oh, that's the hot topic? There's so many fields of thought on it. And I know that the minute that I bring it up, it gives people the right to like, of course, share their opinion. I thought the facts show that you are more likely to have one if you have one. People disagree on it. Oh, okay. Sorry if that offended someone. No, and also this isn't medical advice. This is completely the opposite of medical advice. We are...

We are not even close to doctors. We're just people that had a baby. And this podcast is being recorded in our home. And after this, we're going to have to go. I'm going to have to go pump. Yeah, we're gonna have to go pump and feed our child breast milk. So anyway, anyway, yeah, dude, I okay. Can I just say this? What? I was cracking up after the surgery with how like silly you were acting because you were on some serious drugs. I was being silly. Yeah, like you were like, you were like, I've never felt this good in weeks.

After the surgery, like you'd just been cut open. No, you're skipping a part. Because you went back to our labor and delivery suite and I was so close to blowing chunks.

I forgot about that. So I got back in the room and I was feeling great and then all of a sudden I was like, I am not great. I thought I was on cloud nine and then all of a sudden I was like, I'm going to throw up and it's going to hurt really bad because I just got major surgery on my abdomen. My blood pressure apparently dropped and then I was feeling so nauseous, which I know is really common. They give you anti-nausea medicine, but still...

Something about it just – I think it's anesthesia. It makes you extremely nauseous. Why did they give you alcohol? They gave you these little like tiny alcohol swabs. So I didn't throw up. So to not throw up, they kind of like laid me back and like they were like offering – I could have held my baby right away after like we got back in there. But I like – I really couldn't because it wouldn't have been safe because I was so close to vomiting. So they gave me alcohol to sniff and like laid me back and just kind of like had me take deep breaths. I was fighting it so hard, Matt. Like you know I –

I fight vomit. I didn't realize that was happening because I was so distracted by our new child. Yeah. And so... I was trying not to talk because I was like, I cannot. All I could do is focus on not throwing up. So I don't know how long I felt like that. I'd probably say somewhere between five to seven minutes. They injected you with some anti-nausea medicine, right? Did they? I'm pretty sure they did. I think they put it into your IV.

Or I think they just gave me more fluids. Really? Okay. Maybe they did. They did something and I felt better. So then that was good. And then I...

Why do I not remember? Is that when I held Augie for the first time in that labor and delivery suite? I think it is. I don't think we waited until we moved to postpartum. It happened so fast. You guys, it sounds bad that I don't even remember the first time I held my son, but like everything was happening so fast. Yeah. So they got me. They have a well-oiled machine. Like I said, they got us out of the labor and delivery suite. We were in postpartum and I was so excited to be there because then that meant that we could...

See family and my mom was there and my mom was like I literally cannot even believe how fast that baby came out She's like I couldn't even make it to the hospital in time like because even though it was scheduled like they were just going so fast and

And I think that was like the most surreal thing is that the last time I saw my mom was like, what, maybe three hours ago. And now we were holding our son and she was getting to meet her grandson. And I think in that moment we were like, wow, this is like, this is easy. Everything's going so great. Nothing possibly could go wrong. Like, this is the best. It was feeling like we had access the cheat codes to childbirth. The ultimate cheat code is what it felt like. Yeah.

So sorry to interrupt this podcast, but I know that Matt's not going to do it. So I'm going to do it for him because I am his biggest fan. But if you would not mind, which I know you wouldn't, please check out his song. It is...

Do you know what the name of the song is? It's actually called Falling in Love. I was going to say, I think I'm falling in love. Oh, yeah. That's the line. So it's Falling in Love? Falling in Love. Well, that's humiliating that I didn't know the actual title of it. I thought it was I think I'm falling in love. No. It's Falling in Love and it is...

The most just sweet, heartwarming song. And I think that a lot of people could relate to it and just enjoy it. It's so easy to listen to and it's been stuck in my head all the time, but like in a good way. It's not like it's a great song to have stuck in your head. So definitely check it out. I think we'll put a link here. I think people can follow me on Spotify. I think that's a thing. Follow him on Spotify.

Our last name is Howard, by the way, if you didn't know that. We're Matt and Abby Howard. So my name on Spotify is Matt Howard. Matt Howard. Check it out. There's going to be a link here. But then also if you just search it on Spotify, you can search Matt Howard or search Falling in Love. You'll find it. It's so good. Thanks. Thank you. I appreciate that. Of course. The first day, I think, was just incredible. We were over the moon. You were getting pumped with oxytocin. We were so happy, so in love.

Parents came to see our baby.

My brother and sister-in-law came at one point. I it was funny We had literally was it 11 people inside our teeny tiny room because our hospital was like full It was at like capacity and they were literally having some people that had just given birth In the pediatric unit because there were no rooms left so many babies being born we packed out our room and then The night came and that's when fatigue started to hit in and then the first like little bits of pain for me yeah, we're like kind of coming in and then

then I'm pretty sure that was when the major issue of like me not being able to pee came. We're just going to share the raw experience, by the way. Yeah. I think we want to just share the good and the bad. The good and the bad. So the great has happened. The baby's here. Then the bad starts to happen where pain, like I said, difficulty urinating because the catheter came out and things were still numb and it was hard for me to pee. I don't even think...

From what I experienced from you, honey, though, I think like you're a really tough person physically. Like you could be cut open and not be able to pee and have all these physically difficult things happen to you. But I think where you get really hurt is like the emotional side. And so I don't think any of that physical stuff had anything on you. And by the way, you've already experienced hernia repair surgery. You had a double. Yeah.

yeah, you had a double hernia repair last year at this time. And you've already said that that was more painful from your experience than C-section. So I don't think what it was for you, I don't think it all was a physical thing. I think it was an emotional thing. And I think that really- 1,000%. And I think what that came down to was breastfeeding. Largely. But I will tell you,

It was bound to happen anyway because there is a massive hormonal shift that happens. Yeah. From being a person with another person in your body to being a person without another person in your body, it hits me specifically like a train. Yeah. And it did with our first and I thought – I was like, man, I'm doing so great. I feel so good today.

And then all of a sudden, bam, emotions hit. I'm no longer pregnant. The realization is somehow shocking and earth shattering. It feels like emotionally to me like my world is ending. Yeah. When I, right when I have a baby. And sorry, I feel like what I just said there almost seemed a little bit ignorant because I was relating it all to breastfeeding. But I think, yeah, you're right. You have a very big emotional shift and most women do. Usually breastfeeding is like the trigger for it.

Well, for you, I think it was. I think for you, from your experience, that was something that really tripped off your emotional side. And I think a large part of that is because you put a lot of self-worth in breastfeeding and you feel... Not meaning to. Really? Okay. It's just like, because I do believe like any way you feed a baby is fine. There's just something about like, there's just something about...

Being a brand new mom again and hearing your baby cry and knowing that your baby might be hungry and that you can, like you're the source of nutrition and it's not clicking and it causes panic.

How did that make you feel like when Augie was crying and needed to diaper change? I can't even talk about it right now. And, you know, he's very needy, right? And so I'm getting up, helping him in the night, changing his diapers. How did that make you feel that you couldn't physically like really get out of bed? I mean, I still feel that right now. Like with me not being able to be as hands-on with him and especially with our oldest, it is so sad. Yeah.

Because my instincts and my like nature just wants to you know do it all and make it make everyone okay and take care of everyone and I am sitting here needing to be taken care of a lot. It's the feeling there's no other word I have for it other than is if I feel pathetic which I know that I have to heal and that that's part of it is taking it slow and like asking for help and

It's just such a – you feel so small because you just want to be everything and you can't. And you know that, but it doesn't make it better. And so that's something I'm still struggling with, but it was especially dramatic in the hospital because his needs were so great and my needs were so great. And now we're still like every day we're kind of chipping away at it and lessening and figuring each other out and I'm feeling better and more up to things now.

Still nowhere near 100%. Oh, my gosh. Like, we're maybe at 30. But, like, that is something that I'm, like, it's really hard to communicate to your partner. Like, because everyone's eyes are on the baby and wanting to take care of the baby. And everyone's been so nice and kind and gracious to me. It's easy for moms to get overlooked. Yeah. You know. Did you feel overlooked at the hospital? Kind of, yeah. Yeah. It was that...

Was it hospital staff? Was it family? Was it me? No, it's just it's hard for you to understand. Like it's easy to see the physical needs, but it's really hard to see the emotional needs. Yeah. Sorry, I'm like snotting into the mic. But like the emotional needs after birth are great. And it makes me feel pathetic to like –

Say that but I I know that that's the experience of so many other women, too I don't know how to explain it. It's it's a really really emotional

experience and I don't know how to say like it feels like the world is ending and it feels like my life as I knew it is completely uprooted and I don't know if I like the new life even though I want to love this new life so much and I love the baby and I don't know why I'm not as happy as I thought I was gonna be and I looked forward to meeting him so much but then why is it like I'm having a hard time connecting with my spouse and with my new baby like yeah it just feels so uncomfortable and

Would you say you were experiencing postpartum depression in the hospital? And here's the thing. I would never use the word postpartum depression, at least quite yet, because it's such a massive shift. And I felt this way with Griffin. And that's why I described it as baby blues or like stress, because it didn't feel like it was going to be. I don't think that it's this long term condition thing. It feels very conditional and temporary. Yeah.

But, you know, obviously if it continues, then that's when it's a point where it's like, okay, we need to seek help elsewhere. And every day feels better. So I feel like I know that we're – it's like I'm deep in the hole. But every day I get a little bit out of the hole, get a little bit out of the hole. They gave you the postpartum depression questionnaire the second we got into our room. They'll give it at the pediatrician. Oh, you're going to have it again. Yeah, they keep giving you them. Okay. I think they just make sure that there's not like an immediate drastic need. Because you –

Giving it to you that early was weird to me because you were being pumped full of drugs. I think that was too early. And I'm like, Abby's never felt better. Like she's literally doing hard drugs right now. Like how would you not feel incredible when you're on hard drugs? But it's like the drugs...

Went away, right? And then I was left as emotional. Your spinal went away. And it's almost like you have, I don't want to relate it to drug addiction, but it's almost like some sort of withdrawal or it's like you went from this crazy, crazy high and you just dropped to this crazy low. Crazy, like the lowest I've ever been pretty much. Well, not in the hospital. I think the day we came home from the hospital was like the lowest I've probably ever been. Yeah. Which we can talk about that. But also I don't want to share too much because it's still so fresh. Yeah. Yeah.

Obviously, we're very vulnerable on this podcast. I'm probably not going to read the comments for my mental health. I'm okay. And if I need help, I'm going to seek help. But this is just – I want people to know that if you feel this way and you're so fresh in the newborn stage, just know you're not alone because I'm with you. Other women are with you. Yeah. Yeah.

And trust me, you're seeing me like sad right now. I also had like the craziest highs today. Like it just comes with massive roller coaster of emotions. I knew I was going to cry this episode, so I'm not going to apologize. So the first night happens, the first bit of hormone, like emotions start to really come out.

And it's tough. I'm sleep deprived. I think the first night I slept one hour. I bet you slept like maybe two. Like we're both exhausted. We're both like we have a screaming baby. Like some people have really sleepy newborns. Our newborns come out ready to fight and we love them for it. And I understand that they have to do all these checkups on you at the hospital. But oh my gosh, dude. Like-

You just came off of these super hard drugs. They take your vitals like every hour. You're experiencing baby blues and feeling potentially depressed. And like, I understand they have to do stuff at the hospital, but they're coming in every like hour and a half. No, not even because they come in every hour pretty much for me and every hour for the baby. Yes. And then on top of that, like I'm getting up and changing the diapers and, you know, helping to the baby and bringing them over to you to feed. And even when I'm doing the work with the baby, I'm

you're hearing it all. Like, it's not like you can just like chill and just go to bed. And the room was so tiny. So it's like, I don't, like, do you really think it was only one hour of sleep that you got the night, the first night? No, it was only one hour. I probably got two, maybe three. Well, because even then, I was also like, I had a lot of adrenaline still. Yeah. So I couldn't even like really calm down.

And I felt bad sleeping sometimes when like, you know, they were coming in for you. But I'm like, man, I got to get up physically. To be there for both you, like me and the baby. And here's the thing. They used to, I guess, back in the day, not have newborns in the room with the parents right after the birth.

I almost feel like that might be a good thing for like mental health. Maybe some parents don't want that. But if you wanted that, they probably should do that. Like I love my kids so much. But like that first night or two, you're like you're exhausted and like you need to get some sleep. To recover, it's extremely important.

There was a nurse one night that luckily did take Augie for, I think it was three hours. And so we got three hours of uninterrupted sleep and it was incredible. Like, I'm not even sure if it was three hours, but whatever it was. It might've been two, but it was just like so good that we actually got to go through a full sleep cycle or two rather than just getting like a little cat nap and then like waking up again to do a diaper change or a feed or calm a baby. I think we stayed two nights in the hospital.

Yeah. So I think that was the second night that that happened. That was the second night. So yeah, extremely sleep deprived, feeling like the world is ending. So basically I'm just feeling like a roller coaster of emotions. I'm a basket case. And then feedings were being difficult. Babies don't know. I feel like it's extremely common breastfeeding challenges. Even though I breastfed our first for 12 months, it didn't mean that this new baby knew what to do. And so we're still working on teaching him and...

It was frustrating, it was scary, and it was everything that happened was extremely heightened. And it was just a hot mess in the hospital. And I think that some people have an experience in the hospital where they compare it to a resort. And I'm always so confused by that. What?

I don't want to leave. It felt like a vacation. Are you kidding me? A resort? I'm like, what happened at the hospital? Which hospital are you going to? I would love to go to that one. I don't know. I really don't know. Like, I... Yeah, and we had amazing nurses. Amazing nurses. So, so kind. But, like, how is that so calm for you? Yeah, there was one mean nurse, but all the other nurses were nice. We don't need to talk about that. Why is it all... Every time, with the first birth and the second birth, there was one mean nurse, and then all the other nurses were nice. Yeah, well...

Oh, also if you get a C-section, just know that they're going to encourage you to get up and moving. And so in the middle of the night, I was up and walking three different times. And they also come and push on your belly to check on you and they take your vitals and

And just to know that that's something – that's just something to expect. And they're checking on baby. And it's good. We were very well taken care of. Can I be honest with you for a second? You know how I was, like, really quiet the first day after the birth? Yeah. I think, like – look, I don't get, like, emotional like you. But I think that was, like, my version of baby blues in a way. Yeah. Which I've –

I feel like I still don't quite understand what the term baby blues means, but I think I was never understand, honey. I won't. And I won't understand from your perspective, but I think I was having this like realization moment of, okay, like my life just changed big time. And for a little bit, I was like, wow, like all my career goals have to go to the wayside. And I just kind of felt, I was kind of frustrated a little bit. I could tell. And I just,

I just kind of shut down and didn't say anything. Like I was just like quiet. Yeah. That was hard for me. Because I wasn't going to like talk to you about it because I didn't want to like bring you down. But then by me not saying anything, I think that brought you down. Well, you were bringing me down because you weren't talking to me. That's true. I kind of was being – I've been quiet. Here's the thing. Your experience is extremely valid. You're allowed to like – you have to go through a transition too. Yeah. It was just hard because I was having such high needs at that point that weren't getting met. Yeah.

And I think it was causing frustration between the two of us. And it was hard too, because like for me, knowing that you can't, other than obviously you need to feed Augie and you know, we can't do formula, but like you were, you know, wanting to do breastfeeding. And so like, it felt like I was doing like everything for Augie. And so I'm like, here I am, like,

I have all these like big goals and big dreams and I have to put them to the wayside and I'm like I'm stuck here and I just I was kind of mad. Yeah. And it just that just lasted for like a day. It lasted like two days. You think it lasted two days? For sure. Did it last the second day? Maybe it did last for the second day. But then it went away. But then it went away. Is it okay now? Yeah. But I also think that like it hits you in that moment. Yeah.

Because you feel like your life is over and you feel like you can't do anything else. Because in that moment... The moment felt earth shattering. Because I think when you have a new kid coming into the world, that time right then is the most intense... It will ever be. It will ever be. And reality isn't even reality at that point. Yes, it gets easier and easier because...

you figure out their schedule and you figure out their needs and you figure out their like how they operate because Auggie operates completely different than Griffin did. And so we're figuring it out and it's just it continues to get easier. And I've like I've realized, ah, my my life isn't over and I'm already getting, you know, little little pockets of time to myself. Not a lot, but like more. Well, it's important. And I think that communication is super, super important in the first place.

First week or two of your baby's. Your newborn's life. Like it is. And teamwork is key. And just figuring out what works for you. And not comparing your journey. With other people's journeys. I know we're sharing our experience. And it might be easy to compare to it. But like just knowing that. Especially with like all the things. That seem like.

so important so vital especially like feeding or sleeping like those things seem so crazy but like six months later from now it'll be like oh like why did why did that seem like such a big deal at that time yeah and so yeah and can i say this too like i was having this thought while i was just like rocking augie last night you know career goals are fun and

They are important. Like I think for many people, myself included, it's important to like set a goal for yourself and see you accomplish something. But at the same time, there's nothing more important than family. And it's like if you had every big career thing you could possibly imagine happened to you and it worked out and you just crushed it and everything went your way, but you didn't have your family and you didn't have your friends, that would be a very depressing life. But I think on the flip side, if you had all the family in the world, all the friends,

and no career and no big goals and no big dreams accomplished, I feel like you'd still be happy. Because I think that at the core of life, I think that nothing brings more joy and happiness than good community and good family. That's how I feel, honestly. And I'm someone that is career driven and I love accomplishing things and I love, you know, I think it's fun, but I think it's sometimes easy to let that

you know, get in the way of like, dude, like community and family is the most important thing. There's nothing more important than that. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. So you would say. I feel like there's still so much to say, but I feel like we're already at a natural transition point where it's like, we might just need to make another episode. Oh, you think so? About life as parents again for the second time. Wow. Okay. Yeah, we could totally do that. What do you think? We could just like have them ask us questions. Yeah.

Because once we got from the hospital, it was a whole different ballgame. And we actually hit, I think, the lowest point of our entire marriage. Okay. Are we going to talk about that on here? Not in detail. But I feel like it's good for other people to know that. Okay. I see all these comments where it's like, oh my gosh, you guys are like perfect and all these things. And I think that is weighty on me sometimes where I'm like, y'all –

We are messy. Yeah. And I don't – I'm crying because I'm hormonal but also because like trust me, like for the sake of our marriage, we're not going to like hash out details of like the ugly parts of it. But I want you to know that like if you're looking at us and thinking like, man, I just wish like I could be just like Matt and Abby because –

They are a fairy tale. Like they have everything. It's like, no, you guys like it was ugly. Yeah. And we still haven't talked about it together. So it's like it's not appropriate to talk about it on a podcast. But I think that we can just like let you know that, you know, people, why do people say newborn bliss or newborn bubble or things like that? It wasn't bliss.

I love our sons so much. I think last night was bliss for me, though. It was. It was really sweet. I was just so happy. We're getting into our mojo. Yeah. Just holding him and being like... But I do say this... This could not be more beautiful. Just like getting to be... And it wasn't stressful when he was crying. I just...

I kind of got into my rhythm and took care of him. And I was glad that you were able to sleep in a separate bed and actually get sleep and not have to, because I know that you wake up with every single sound that he makes. And I do too, but I just know that he's, I don't know. I think you just, you're very strict.

trigger happy, I guess. Well, it is just a part of being a new mom again. And I say new mom because I've already been a mom for 13 months. But yeah, I think we might want to do separate beds for a while just so that you're actually getting sleep. And I think that sleep deprived people are grumpy people and

Well, more susceptible to mental health issues. Yes, 1,000%. And so I'm trying to take care of that. And also I'm saying all of this to the woman that feels, postpartum woman that feels so alone right now. Yeah. Because even me, like I felt really alone the past few days at times. Yeah. And I've done this before and I have an amazing support system. So like let me be like a virtual support system from like one mom to another that like I know you feel alone right now. I know it feels hard.

But it gets so much better and your baby is so blessed that you're their mom. That's beautiful. And I love our sons so much. It could literally – it breaks my heart every day how much I love them. And we should talk about that, like how like having them together and like how more about feeding. Oh, it's so cute. Yeah. Griffin loves his little brother so much.

So much. I literally didn't think he'd have any reaction. He gives him a hug. He gives him kisses. He gives him kisses. And he like laughs. He's so happy to see him. So precious. And I just, I cannot wait for the day that they get to play with each other.

I just can't wait for it. I mean, they're going to be the bestest of buddies. Oh my gosh. I can literally already tell. And they look alike. Okay. I know that you don't think they look alike. I don't think they do. I think they look identical. Okay. People are going to think they're identical twins. Give it a couple of years and people will be like, oh, are these your twins? It's like, actually, no, they're 13 months apart. You know? Well, get this.

I know we're not probably going to show their faces on the internet, but we have the cutest kids in the world. And I want to plaster them over everything. I'm not going to, but I just – I keep texting pictures of people like crazy. They're probably like, okay, we don't need to see this anymore. But I'm like, look how – I love my babies. They're so freaking cute. I love them and they're so precious together. And it's just – I cannot wait to see their brotherhood again.

Oh my gosh. I can't. I got to stop crying. But. And I also got to end this. Because I really want to get back to them. Yeah. But. Wow. It's been a whirlwind. And that's what this is for. This podcast. So. Thank you guys so much for listening. And thank you for listening to my tears.

I promise I'm okay. I have an amazing support system here. And shout out to our friends. Yeah. Shout out to our friends and family for being there for us. My parents have been here. Abby's parents live with us now. So we've had amazing support. Yeah. I mean, we would have had to, but it would have been even worse. Dude. Yeah. It's been so good to have family here. Yeah. And very, very thankful for that. Thank you for your patience as we like adjust to this new life. And they're our priority right now. Not me.

social media. So thank you for your patience and thank you for your well wishes. And we'll be here when we can be here. That's right. Awesome. Well,

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