The Best Of How It All Began!
01:01:06 Share

How?

We'll be right back.

Plus, Zinn is the only nicotine pouch with a 10-day hassle-free trial. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zinn. Find yours in online or in a store near you at zinn.com slash find. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia Cream Cheese! It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...

How could you go wrong? And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home.

Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network. The problem is nobody takes them seriously yet. So they passed me, a comedian, with convincing all of you people out there that Boost Mobile is a serious 5G network. Time to put on my serious voice.

Boost Mobile is now a legit nationwide 5G network with coverage across 99% of America. Seriously. The Boost Mobile network includes roaming coverage from partner networks which cover 99% of the U.S. population. Welcome to This Is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what is most obviously very crucially important. Today on This Is Important... I want my foreskin back.

Just focus on the ass, please. You go at it for about four days with your tightest bros and you come out stronger for it. These guys did have a certain musculature that made you want to grab them. Let's go.

I was being called on stage and it was the first time I was going to headline. And headline at this bar was like 30 minutes to do stand-up. And I'm pretty nervous and I don't know why I had to shit. Well, it's a human behavior. Yeah, you had digested. Biology. Yeah, I think I was nerves and got the nervous poops. And I sneezed and a perfect log shot out of my ass.

a perfect log pinched completely into my pants and i grabbed a bar they're literally bringing me up like this guy he's lives in hollywood he's comes down here to do stand-up we like him give it up and i'm fishing this turd out of my pants i take it out with a bar napkin and stick it in a potted plant which i'm right next to i go on stage i do the 30 minutes the show went great

It was like the best show I've had up to this point. And then I go, guys, to be perfectly honest, I didn't think the show was going to go great because right before the show, I shit in that potted plant. And people were like, what? And I go, hey, go look at that potted plant. Tell me there's not a shit wrapped up in a bar napkin. And they're like,

there's a shit in here. And then I dropped the microphone as if that's my ending joke and the place exploded. It was like the best ending bit. People were like, he's shit in the bar. He's shit in the... Dude, you got to bring that back. That story started very loose butthole. And then tight. Ended tight butthole. Oh, good, good, good, good. I want my foreskin back. Okay. Now let's talk about this.

You can stretch your foreskin. You can stretch it. There's like a thing where you hook it up to your dick. It takes years. I've been thinking about doing this. So then maybe you really don't want it. Wait, wait. Hold on now. I hear a real truth in Kyle's voice right now, and I'm looking at him via Zoom, and it looks like this is an emotional issue for you. Well, I mean, I had to go through this when I had a son and decide if I'm going to cut part of his wee-wee off, and I decided not to. I'm not going to do that again.

It's never too late. And in doing so, I realized that I want mine back. Like, I didn't have that choice. None of us had that choice. Are you jealous of your kid now, you weirdo? When you're changing his diaper? No, I'm happy that he doesn't have to have this realization one day that somebody else made the choice to cut part of his dick off. Yeah.

Okay, and I get that, but isn't it weird that you have to peel your son's dick skin back and clean his dick? I don't have to do anything. You just let it go. But doesn't it get gross? No, you got to clean it. Not at this age, not when he's this little. What are you talking about? None of you know. I got two little dicks in my house. You don't know.

I do. Are they circumcised? Yeah, but they still got a little something and I got to like go, hey guys. They're circumcised. You don't know what you're talking about. But they still got a little something. So I say you got to pull that back. You're speaking on a false platform. You have no idea.

I'm just saying, none of us had a choice, so it's easy to defend it. Sure, sure. No, and when I initially heard the argument, I believe we've had this argument several times. I thought it was a sanitary thing, but apparently that's a myth of sorts. No, it isn't a myth, but that's the same thing I'm talking about. It's a thing of the past, like the butthole hair. Well, is it a thing where, yeah, is it a caught with and without? Is there a time when you're going to need that foreskin?

No. Well, all you guys are fucking talking about how you want bigger dicks, and when you cut your foreskin off, it does retract a little bit. Okay, well, I need much more than this. Odds are, if you didn't cut your foreskin off, your dick would hang lower. But here's the deal, though. If you have a little dick and you never got the foreskin cut off, you have no excuse. Right.

Now I know that I can go home to my wife and go, look, do you know why it's so small? I got circumcised and it retracted. Yeah, lay off. And I'm good to go. Lay off me. Guys, with a quick Google, I found foreskin problems. Okay? Foreskin problems.

Drying, swelling, infection, irritation. Just like that. Just right away. Force control. One quick Google. It's a campaign, man. He's dropping bombs. It's a campaign from Christianity, dog. Christianity? It's a Christian campaign. Big Christianity. Look at the rest of the world. Look at the global statistics. I thought it was Judaism. Yeah, which was adopted by Christianity as well. Oh, well, guess what? They were right on the money as they usually are.

I was watching Rump Shaker very young. Well, I mean, but Rump Shaker is fucking tame compared to WAP. Wet ass pussy. Totally. Is there a video for WAP? Oh, yeah. I thought it couldn't get more vulgar like music after like my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack. But then WAP is just. What about last year? They had. So hot. You're such a fucking hoe. I love it. Like that. What is that? That's pretty gnarly. Yeah, but that's just not.

really. Pretty gnarly. I've got a wet ass pussy. That's more gnarly and vulgar than you're such a fucking hoe. I love it. It's just what happens to the human body. Yeah, that's true. It's a reaction. Yeah, I guess that was medical. One of them is actually worse. If dudes have been rapping for however long about how their stroke is and fucking... Juicy butthole. Like...

Like, go ahead and rap about it. Like, it doesn't... I don't fucking care. If girls want to rap about how good they fuck, tight. Yeah. I'm down with that, sure. But it is making me horny.

Yeah, sure, but I don't want to walk around with a boner in my regular everyday life. Yeah, when I'm jogging around the lake, I'm not trying to get a fucking hard on. But that's like back in the day, my mom would not let me listen to MTV or watch MTV because of that content. So then I had a battle with fucking censorship my entire life and was like, you know what I mean? So what do you do? I don't know.

I think you just let them I mean my parents didn't really give a shit no I could watch anything I could watch any R rated movie and listen to anything the only real thing that they would stop me was like porno like I couldn't like if it was like nudity hey I gotta stop you man we're putting up the roadblock here on hardcore porno Adam turn it off

Puberty, what a bizarre time. Do you remember how... Oh, my God. Pinocchio is really a story of puberty when you think about it. I remember being so... My dick was hard all the time. I...

Yours wasn't? Still is. No, mine is not. There's no was and not. No, mine is was. My dick does not work the same way. He's crying. It's not working the same way. I'll admit it. It doesn't work. It used to be a problem, and now it's a problem. Now it's a problem. It's a problem. You're damned if you're hard. You're damned if you're not. Soft. I should have said soft.

It was definitely like there was the moment where you're like, well, there go sweatpants. Can't do that anymore. Or if you got called up to the chalkboard when you have like a boner in sweatpants and you have to just tuck your butt back and do a little dance. Sure. I've had boners. Sure.

Sure, sure. Blake, have you had butterflies? I have, I have. In my freshman year of high school, I stood up and I had to tuck up. Oh, yeah. And then one of my buddies called me out. I was like, you just had to tuck his dick up. And I...

And I snapped. I was like, I have a boner. What's it to you? We all got them. And I kind of went off. And after that, this is a note for if you're in eighth grade, ninth grade, and you're getting a lot of boners, call your boners out. Get ahead of it. Get ahead of it. Because then as soon as I did that, all the kids were like, yeah, this guy's funny. He's talking about boners. I'm like, so then I wouldn't shut up about my boner.

Anytime I got a boner, it was an announcement that I make it. I'm stacking cans on top of it. You're going to recommend to children across America to talk about their boners? Allegedly. Here's what I'm saying. Allegedly. Take my advice word for word. Allegedly.

If you have an erection. Good job. Or you have, let's say you're a girl and you've got giant nipples or something. You've got like really hard giant nipples. And it's poking out or your dick is always hard. Whatever it is, get in front of it. If you're like a fat kid, have some fat jokes in the back pocket. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, hold on. You went too far. Let's stick with the nipples and dick. No, if you're a fat kid with huge nipples and constant boners. I'm saying if you have a thing, because I was a crippled kid in high school or in middle school. If you have a thing that people are going to make fun of you about. Why don't we just stick to crippled kids calling it out and then I think we're good. No, not just crippled kids because crippled kids, kids with boners all the time. Kids with hard nipples constantly. It's important that we as a people are...

able to talk about this stuff and not just make fun of each other for it. You know what I mean? Like, what Adam did was diffuse the situation, and it's like, why isn't that kid talking about boners at, you know, the dinner table with his family? So it's not a thing. It shouldn't be a thing. Can we at least admit that the real hero here is the friend in the classroom who audibly said, you just tucked your boner up.

You notoriously have earth-shattering orgasms. My gasms were, well, shake the house. Oh, man, the gas man. I've definitely heard a couple when we were roommates, and it was, it sounded like it felt hella good. Oh, man. I could barely make it out over you blasting red hot chili peppers every time.

What is this, Stadium Arcadium? Yes, that was his go-to. That was weird, man. We would hear that all the time.

Well, sorry, you guys weren't fucking. No, bro, it's cool. No, we're quiet. We're respectful. Yeah, you guys were making love, not me. I was blasting Stadium Arcadium and going to town. You fuck. I'm like coitus. It's the orgasms. He's got earth-shattering orgasms, dude. See, I'm not trying to have extra feeling. Yeah, imagine that. I will say that once I moved out and I had privacy, my orgasms have become a little bit more groundbreaking, not earth-shattering orgasms.

Sure. And I think that it was the privacy. And it's a shame that I was worried about what you guys thought about what my orgasms sounded like enough to keep it quiet. Adam, I got respect for you for just doing you, bro. Well, out of a level, I also respect you. And that's why I played the chili peppers so loudly. Right. It's the perfect...

music to play while having sex because it it's a roller coaster ride there's some uh they one stop and then every once in a while they'll slow it down and yeah so wait you can you can go longer than one song wow yeah bro we we fuck on concept albums bro yeah that's what's up nowadays back then no way man

I gotta skip some tracks. What? Oh, yeah. There's a few special tracks, definitely. Wait for the secret song. Ooh, the crescendo. I really love myself. I have really no problem with any of my features. Oh.

I, in the year 2002, put a few bids on the black jeans that Anthony and Michael Hall wore in Edward Scissorhands. Lost out when they went over $120.

It was just a little too deep for my pockets. Wow. For people that don't know who Anthony Michael Hall is, which none of us really knew who he was and we had to ask Anders, he is from Weird Science along with other John Hughes movies. And he was kind of a nerd when he was a kid and he must have, that must have like weighed on him and then he was like, I have to lift weights. I have to be a joked ass aggro dude. Hey, look, some people have to do that, okay? ♪

Well, we actually didn't have a senior prom. We had a senior ball. So that would have been called a ball king. Oh, the ball king. And I was the ball king of school. That's what they called me. That's what they called me. That's what they called me, at least. Because I would go run and get the balls.

Let's say you come out and you're butt naked and now you need that little trim of hair around your asshole to keep you warm or else you might die. Hey, you're not wrong. I'm willing to take that risk. I get that. It's kind of like with a gun. You know, with butthole hair, it's you'd rather be caught with than without. Because when you do need butthole hair, it's...

It's super important. I guess I'd rather be caught without a gun in this situation. I don't know, brother. That's your choice. That's your choice. I'll tell you, my weapon of choice is right here, pal. Oh, the fist. The fist. He raised his fist. If someone pulls a gun on me, I will fist them. That makes sense.

Can we talk about Blake just looking absolutely fucking insane for this podcast? Okay, let's get a description. With the mask, with the one glove. But like a dentist's glove. Currently touching his nostrils. Uh-huh.

wrap around glasses, a mask, and then a bucket hat with a band that I'm pretty positive he's never listened to. What? You're trying to challenge my Grateful Dead love? Come on, brother. Oh, yeah. What's your favorite Grateful Dead song? Oh, don't question him. He knows this shit.

Oh, please tell me your favorite. Keep trucking. Trucking, baby. Come on. Let's go. Thank you. What is it? Trucking. Okay, all right. Yeah, bro. Speaking of trucks, I live a truck lifestyle, y'all. All right. So their most famous one. Well, it's up there.

You don't know a deep cut at all, do you? What's the one with the video where it's just skeletons playing? I Will Get By? Yeah, that's all. That's the fucking jam. Dude, they've got jams. They've got jams. That song kicks butt. I saw Grateful Dead with John Mayer. Do you know Grateful Dead, bro?

No, I don't. No. Yeah, so you just projected on him. Blake knows Grateful Dead. He knows him. I don't believe that Blake is a big Grateful Dead fan. I'm a deadhead. I'm a deadhead, brother. I do not believe that he's a deadhead. I think that you need to know something because the other day we were just talking and I was working in the backyard and he's like, hey, man, flipped me Grateful Dead playlist just to get in the mood. Yeah, he was setting himself up for this because he knew we were going to call him out about the hat. He's doing the legwork.

Dude, you remember we were like, we went to some like NASCAR event and Channing Tatum was there. And the way that like women were treating him was flagrant. Like they would follow him and like grab his ass and he'd be like. Like pieces of meat. That is my butt. It's so cool though. Gosh, I wish I was him. It is crazy. I mean, your guys' asses probably get grabbed quite a bit. Yeah.

Blake, you've got a really, really nice ass. Yeah, you've got a nice tuchus. Oh, tuchus. Publicly, no. Does it get grabbed? My ass gets grabbed when I'm on the road doing stand-up and I do those meet and greets afterwards, which I guess I'm probably never going to do again because COVID. But when I would do those and you're meeting people after the show, probably within a line of, I would cap it at 100 people, my ass would get grabbed 25 times. Wow. Wow.

But you do have a fucking dookie. Rotund. Yeah, it's totally meaty. You got a dookie, bro. I got some meat back there. You got a booty. Your booty gets to the party 10 minutes after you. It's still coming. What's up, dude? You're here? I am. Your booty's here. To be fair, didn't you get cut out of a Domino's commercial because your ass was stupid? Oh, yeah. Oh, that was an insane...

Oh, that was insane. I forgot all about that. For those of you that don't know, I had like a bad accident when I was a kid. I was hit by a cement truck. I couldn't walk for almost two years. And I was mostly worried about my boner. So that's the truth. I was worried about it, but I was like too young to like really know. I was like going into sixth grade. So that's right when boners are starting to pique your interest and you're like, what's going on down here? Mm-hmm.

I do remember, this is a gnarly story, one of the first times I ejaculated and I was taking a bath because I couldn't stand in a shower. My mom had to pick me up out of a wheelchair and place me in a bathtub. And I'm jerking off. I'm listening.

Meanwhile, I jerked off like this. I jerked off like... He's doing two fingers right now. Dude, that was the move, by the way. And then you get to a full circle. Then you go two hands. Never got there. But I was jerking off in the bathtub. Came in the bathtub. You know, good. And then as soon as I came, I looked down and saw something floating in the bathtub and it was my toe.

What the fuck? You got the cum toe. You tore your toe off. My toe fell off. My baby toe on my left foot, you guys know how I have a little nub. Yeah, yeah. My baby toe on my left foot was like charred and they're like, this will probably just fall off at some point. And it fell off while I was in there. And I started screaming and I'm naked just with jizz water in the bathtub. And my mom comes running in and she's like, oh my God, your toe. And I'm like, get out of here.

It is not safe for you. Wait, so when you jizz in the water, are you kind of like scooching around to like dodge it? And like the flows of the water, it's like coming after you? And then like, yeah, it was like the first time. So like I'd done it multiple times before that one. It just, nothing came out. This is what we got to talk about is the pre able to come jerk off session. Where it's just the air coming out? Yeah, what the fuck?

fuck man that was weird hey so if any kids are listening to this and you guys are pre-coming and you're not there's no jizz coming out get ahead of it scream that from the rafters at your local middle school and if you're just tuning in now this is important you know it's very important this is important

I was very good at climbing trees. I still am to this day. I could see you being really good at climbing some trees. I love that you were that kid that's like, who's that? It's this blade kid. He climbs trees. He's always hiding from someone. All the way to the top. He's always hiding from somebody all the way at the top. That's where my dad couldn't reach me. You got to come over here during loquat season, climb my tree, and pick some loquats for me, buddy. I'll just tell you, when you have a dad like mine at home, you learn how to climb those trees pretty damn fast. Oh, boy.

Go get a switch. Go get a switch, boy. And this is what I wanted to talk about. Now, this is important. Root therapy. Blake's abused. I use my podcast as a therapy session. I feel like these are the kind of conspiracies I'd like to be spending my time on. Like, is there multiple marshmallows? You've got to get off the conspiracies you're currently on and get on this where is marshmallow conspiracy. All right. I was just making a joke. I don't need to be...

be put on a freaking crucifix right now, okay? I'm not. You're the one who got sensitive about it. I just said this would be a good... Well, you pointed the finger at me and I, you know... Well, sometimes when someone reacts like this, it's because some sort of truth is coming out. What's going on? Oh, yes. Oh, it's also comedy. Come on now. Ha ha ha.

The world's a stage, right, Kyle? Kyle, all you gotta say is, can we please change the subject? Yeah, thank you. Can we change the subject? I want to say that so much on this podcast. That's a great call. I forgot about that. That's awesome. That's going to be the other name of the podcast instead of this is important, which it is, which everything we talk about is. It's all important. It's going to be, can we change the subject? Can we change the subject? Can we please change the subject? It's

It's a real conversation killer for a podcast. Can we please change the subject? Yeah, because it's like, okay. Next subject. We're kind of going on a good run there. If they just had a gym that was all just...

breakable shit that you could just go in there and aggressively smash shit. I feel like that'd be it. They do. It's called a dump run. Just like go pick up people's trash and take it to the dump for them and you can just do whatever the hell you want over there. Wow. And you save the planet.

How long do you guys brush your teeth for? How long? Yeah, and how much toothpaste do you use? 30 minutes. Just a solid 30. Just a solid 30 every night. I destroy my toothbrushes. My toothbrushes are absolutely insane. So does my wife. It's like crazy. So does my two-year-old. It looks like fucking, it looks like Guile's hair from Street Fighter 2. My wife.

Yeah, my dentist was like, yo, you cannot use – you're rubbing the enamel of your teeth off with your toothbrush. What are you doing? Because I would – He's obviously getting out a lot of anger. Why? This is me circling back to how long you're doing it. Like how long? Because I see commercials that are like you do 30 seconds this side, 30 seconds that side, 30 seconds bottom side, 30 seconds this. And I'm like two minutes.

I do not brush my teeth for two minutes. I do. I brush my teeth for two minutes. For two minutes? Well, my electric toothbrush has a timer. Don't you guys have electric? Yeah, it tells you when. No, I just fucking, I'm old school. I'm throwback. Oh, bro, you got to get a Sonicare. No, I go myself. I make the noise. It's so much work. I put the batteries right about my, huh, what? I like to put in that work, that little elbow grease right before going to sleepies. Obviously, you're damaging your mouth. What?

This dude's like, oh, another workout. Wait, got to get all this pent up energy. I might snap on somebody. Well, what's up with the flossing? Who out there is flossing? Who's doing that? Never. What? I'm flossing fashion-wise almost daily. Yeah, hell yeah. As everyone knows. He stays flossing. I never floss my teeth. That's wild. Oh.

I don't do it as often as I should. Only if I get something stuck all up in it while I floss it out. If it's a beef jerky day, you gotta floss. Yeah, if I'm jerking a little hard that day. We did Ghost in the Graveyard and Cops and Robbers on bikes. Cops and Robbers was true. Cops and Robbers, oh my gosh, shit went down. That doesn't even have rules. It's just like you just pretend to shoot each other all day. But no, it was essentially like group tag.

Cops over here, robbers over there. And there was like parameters, like the block. And we have like a school on our block. So you could cut through the schoolyard and shit. Can't you put people in jail and stuff too? And then you can go save people out of jail? So then if a robber gets to jail, when a cop isn't there, they can tag you and then you're free again. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I don't know how it ends. I guess it ends when the cops get all the robbers, but I don't know how the robbers... There was never any... Those little kid games, there was never any ending. You know what I mean? It just kept going until you had to come home. They were designed to just...

stay. I never remember like winning at cops and robbers or like any of those like games that you sort of make up your own neighborhood rules. Right. Our, our main shit, we were just like little vandals and shit. We would literally just get a bunch of rocks, climb in a tree and then throw rocks at cars that are driving past. Oh yeah. Yeah. Like that happens all day long. I remember I had to, uh,

I got called to like eat dinner and I hear my mom screaming my name down the street. And so I had to go home, ate dinner. I came back. All of my friends are handcuffed sitting on the side of the street. And a police officer's right there. There's like four of my friends right there. And they were getting handcuffed. And then the cop took them back to their parents' house because they shattered some guy's windshield by throwing a,

freaking rock through his windshield damn freaking goofballs that backfired on him did you guys ever have laser tag infiltrate your groups of friends because that was like something that really really changed every game like you guys had your own laser tag like in the neighborhood dude a couple kids on the block had it yeah you could buy these vests at like toys r us and yes you know you had to charge them that was the hard part is always keep making sure that you had batteries but like hey nothing's changed huh yeah totally

He's a god. Yeah, he is. He's a god. He was a god at that party of 25 people. And the weird thing is, he's not the coolest brother. Liam is. That's right. Team Liam. Luke. Team Luke. Oh, we got a Luke fan. Over Liam. Liam's way cool, dude. I'm a Liam guy. Sorry, Liam. I'm going with the brother I haven't met yet.

Yeah, you've like worked with Liam several times. What the fuck? Yeah, I thought you were boys with Liam. That's weird that you took that. No, I am. I am. But for sure, the one I don't know is the coolest. Yeah, I like Liam. I like Liam. Makes sense. I thought maybe some dirty shit happened on set with you and Liam. Did you have beef? Was it like you can't be on set together? It was definitely a battle of who's the hottest on set every time we walked on set. Every time we walked on set, it was like a real... Oh, for sure. Right. Right.

Absolutely. Right. Give and take, push and pull of who is the sexiest person on set. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that website, actually? Like, Hot or Not? Hot or Not was the fucking funniest thing. Dude. I loved it. You had a pickup, right, Kyle? What do you mean I had a pickup? You had a picture on Hot or Not? Oh, of course, dude. Yeah, that's so tight. Yeah, I loved it. I, like, lived by it. I would check it every fucking three hours and be like, dude, 7.8. Check it out. In high school, we put a homie of mine on there.

and he was at like a 9% or something. We have to bring that back. You guys know Hot or Not, it was like you put a picture of yourself and then the community of Hot or Not rates how hot you are. This was like 2002, 2003, like early internet. Yeah. Early internet. You think anybody popped off that? You think anybody who was like,

hottest person like got a call from a manager and then was on oh for sure i bet you hollywood was that's how nick lachey came to be he got his 98 degree yeah they're like they're putting it lou perlman was putting together 98 degrees i would be more i would be willing to bet thousands of dollars that there's a maxim hot or not issue best of hot or not wait what are you willing to bet i'm

I'm willing to bet thousands of dollars. Thousands? Put a number on it. Let's see. Maybe one of us wants to take this action. Yeah, let's do this. That there's a hot or not Maxim issue. So you're betting thousands that... What are you doing?

As your money managers. No, no, no. I feel like the two intersect so perfectly. There has to be. Yeah, but you should have been the editor at Magnum. I don't think they were doing that. That's why nobody fucking reads that shit anymore. All right, maybe not thousands, but they should have.

this one's controversial it's a double there were two discs because the soundtrack was so good is the soundtrack to dazed and confused better than the movie oh wow that's interesting that's a great question it's kind of

impossible to separate because the especially on that movie because that movie the soundtrack pushes the movie along so well and also gets you in the mood for those hot 70s james so is the accompaniment of the visual better or not that's what i'm saying

I actually didn't think the name Karen was correct. It's not fair because I have an Aunt Karen who's just a really lovely lady. I feel like Barb is closer to what that is. Or Susan? I disagree. Susan. Susan's pretty good.

Kurt Russell. He's the, he's, he's golden, right? Yeah. He's the one who's still kind of like, hey man. He's clean. I'm here. Yeah. I'm steady as can be. I mean, if you're not against his lack of commitment, put a ring on it already. Did he marry Goldie Hawn? Did they not? Or like spirit? Come on, man. So you're a traditionalist. You believe in that? I am a Christian values. You don't have sex till you're married. That is true. I forgot about the giant cross tattoo on your back. It's huge.

Kyle, not everybody's born to play. I think I could hit one out at the Coliseum. I bet you could. Kyle, shut the fuck up. No, you could not. Yeah, I could. Not in a million years could you. If I have three months to practice, I'd hit it out. All right, Kyle. Okay.

Start practicing today, and in three months, I guarantee you we could get you on the green. Is that what they call it? No, in the batter's box. On the diamond. On the pitch. In the batter's box. Get me in the box. We'll get you in the box at the Coliseum, and I want to see this happen. I bet we can. Blake has the in. He's played there twice. You got to pay for it. Okay.

Okay. What are we paying for? That's a weird request. Baseballs and... Sure. Pay for what? You got to pay for access. You got to pay for it. We're not going to pay for it. They're going to let us do it. It's not going to be during a game. You got to pay for it. I'll do it. Kyle, you played baseball, right? Is this true that like...

To hit it out of there, like the pitch needs to be at a certain sufficient speed coming in? Yeah, that's the biggest thing is I'd have to learn how to hit like 80 miles an hour. Turning on it is probably the hardest. Well, you're the one who said you need three months. Yeah, I think I could do that. All right. I'm excited to see it. It actually would trim up my waistline, which I've been looking forward to doing. Yeah.

No, man. You got to use that. That's the torque that you need to get around on that ball. Play it. Play it.

Right.

Have it all in the heart of it all. Launch your search at callohiohome.com. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or therapy day. When your schedule is packed like mine with kids' activities, big work projects, and more, it's easy to let your priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's hard to make time for it.

it. But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. I know for me, therapy has been great for learning good coping skills and how to better communicate with my wife. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself every day. It isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be easy, flexible, and

and fit to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash thisistoday to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash thisis.

Hey, guys. We here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And, of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as a perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it, make a creamy pasta alfredo, or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go wrong?

And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home.

If you're a smoker or dipper looking to make a change, you really only need one reason to do it. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you can find many. Not only did Zinn create the first-ever nicotine pouch, we're still America's number one choice for smoke-free, spit-free nicotine satisfaction. It could be because Zinn is made with only six simple ingredients, including naturally derived nicotine salt.

Or maybe it's because Zyn is the only nicotine pouch with a 10-day trial. For anyone worried Zyn won't cut it like traditional tobacco, just ask one of the millions of people who have achieved lasting change. You have lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zyn. Find your Zyn online or in a store near you at Zyn.com slash find. That's Z-Y-N dot com slash find.

Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. I think I would full-on liposuction down to like 5% body fat. Just get rid of all of it. Just like that. Over day, just be wrapped. Over day? This dude just said over day. Well, I'm not doing it overnight. I know, but I love over day. I'm not doing it overnight. I'm doing it over the daytime. You go to like a store and they're like, we give you liposuction over day.

22 for one. I'm not doing it overnight, though. I'm doing it over the day. That's cool. I'm not going in at nighttime to get it done. This is a daytime procedure. I'm going to start in the morning and they're going to work however many hours it takes and get done probably by lunchtime. I'll go home and have a shredded ass six pack and back. Lingerie football. And if you guys at home haven't watched this shit, it's not just like girls in underwear playing football. It's like,

They light each other up. It is these fucking jock women in like, not scantily clad, but they're in like sports bras and like, I guess like underwear shaped shorts or whatever. But they fucking light each other up. These quarterbacks have cannons.

And these women are catching balls. They're checking people into walls. It's fucking, there's YouTube clips are intense. We found it when we lived at Hamlin and it was like, like scrolling through the direct TV is like lingerie football league. What is this? Click it on. Do tell. Yeah. And then it's like, holy shit, this is like a great game. This is really good. It's speaking of shit talk. One of those girls from, from that, like highlight clip or whatever had the

best shit talk game she was like oh my god did you shit your pants to some other girl she's like you fucking stink I was like uh she's in her head now oh man what an ultimate slam did you shit your pants that's a good one I

I dream that we wire up every player athlete and that's all they say. That'd be a great thing. Like even in the NFL, if you're the guy that's wired up, if you're constantly just going like, Oh my God, this guy's just shit his pants. That's what they keep getting on CBS or wherever it's airing.

That's hard knock softball. Hard knock. It's just being like, oh, P.U., dude, you shit your pants. Eventually, I believe that DJing at that caliber and that level will evolve into you also are doing magic and illusions.

just magician djs you're making people's money disappear i'll tell you that that's gonna be my new uh my next disney plus uh movie that makes sense magician dj magic dj yeah magic dj camp that makes so much sense the drop of a dj is just like the reveal of a magician yeah doves fly out come on yeah that's awesome yeah are you gonna do that blake i'm trying please do this hot dog head

Yeah. Hot dog head. It's raining meat. Did you guys get those nipple things when you were going through puberty? What's up? No, no, no. Your nipples hurt?

Yeah, dude. No, I didn't. But I remember y'all talking about that all the time. The hard balls in your nipples. Yes, under your nipples. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I haven't thought about them in years. Dude, I remember those so – and that's why like people would be like, oh, this one here. They would grab it. It would hurt so bad. Yes. Maybe I'm still waiting for my growth spurt.

because I've never heard of this. Really? You never had that? I'd grab him. What is it called? We're all tweezing our nipples. All of us are touching our nipples. And they're pretty soft at the end. Now imagine a marble in the tip, and that's what it used to be. A marble in the tip. Yeah. I specifically remember like grabbing. You also did not get – Never mind. Go ahead. Blake, you didn't get pit hair until you were like 30. I was a late bloomer. Sure. I didn't get pit hair until college. No way. Until like mid-college, yeah. That's why you guys are so connected. Well, he's my son.

I just remember grabbing either like Kyle or my friend Teddy's nipples. And then flipping out like, dude, that hurt really bad. And it was like, whoa, I thought this was something we did, man.

I loved how quiet you got when you're like, I just remember grabbing Kyle's or my friend's nipples. It's like amongst friends, we pinch nipples. I just remember grabbing Kyle's. Allegedly. Did they see it that way? I

I don't know. Kyle, how did you feel when I did that? No, I haven't thought about it in forever and yet hurt so fucking bad. What are those things? What was it called? I don't know. What is that? That is a Google away. That's a Google away. I think it's your body being like, are these going to be titties? And then your other part of your body is like, no, no, we're holding off. And it's like, wait, we were just trying to make

That's the scientific. Those are estrogen pods. So those could be estrogen pods. I think that's what it is. And then the testosterone at that point is like, nah. Yeah, exactly. What the fuck? It forms a marble. That could also be wildly incorrect. A milk hole. Yeah, well, this is... No, no, no. Are you kidding? That's exactly what it is. Yeah, that's important. It is. That is important.

When I moved here, two of my friends were in a softball league with Nitro from American Gladiators. They were like, we just want to meet people. They joined up and they're like, dude, Nitro is in our softball league.

And I was like, we're in Hollywood, baby. Whatever happened, didn't they try to bring back American Gladiators and just sort of... Yeah, it was back. It was good. Yeah, what happened? That sucks. It was canceled too quickly, man. Give it some time to shine. Yeah. It was kind of a band-aid for the Writers Guild strike in, what, 06 or 05 or whatever that was. Oh, yeah. They didn't have any TV. They needed reality TV. They brought back American Gladiators and said...

Take that, WGA. Now, for those of you guys listening, WGA is the Writers Guild of America, and sometimes they go on strike and TV doesn't happen, so American Gladiators happened. We should go on strike again. And now it's the Rocks show, Titans Games. That's right. It's just okay, that game. I don't want to sound like a sociopath,

But it's too much of like the personal story. I don't give a fuck. Like go out there and play against the gladiators. That's what was awesome about American Gladiators is you just –

Before you knew it, you were in the game. You were in the event. Well, that's why American Ninja Warrior rules is because it's the same with gladiators. You're like, oh, I could do that. Even if you couldn't. Even if you probably would just get your ass kicked. You believe like, yeah, you know what? I would. I'd shoot for the leg and I'd take him down. I watched Pinocchio. Oh. Terrifying. Yeah, that's got a crazy part. The scariest movie. And I was horrified.

I was super. I was like, you know what? I'm going to watch Pinocchio. And just ate like six edibles and smoked a joint to myself. And truly terrifying. Pig Island? Yeah. It's been a minute. Here's the story breakdown in like quick beats. It's been a minute, so you've never seen it. It was a 1940s movie. It's so old. Very old. And then so there's Geppetto. Geppetto. He's super Italian. Kind of forgot how like –

Italian he is. Even though his name's Geppetto, you should know that. I think he's the basis of all Italian people from that movie. All the stereotypes. Yeah. All the stereotypes is Geppetto. Thanks, Disney. And he's like really into – he's kind of a weirdo. He's like really into woodworking and just makes clocks. And whenever he's trying to party –

He rocks all the clocks at once, which makes an insane, pretty annoying noise. And him and his cat dance. So he is carving this. That's how you meet the guy? Yeah. He's carving this Pinocchio, and he's like, I wish he was a real boy. And then he prays to the star. This fairy comes down. It's like, it's a real boy. When you wish upon a star. Yeah. Who's wishing upon the star? Oh, Blake, you know. Geppetto. Oh.

Jiminy Cricket. He's like the host of the movie. Yeah. He's the narrator. He's the conscience. Yes. Let him be your guide. Give a little whistle. Yes, exactly. You remember. So anyway, so he becomes a real boy. The first thing Geppetto does, which is an insane move, is he goes, guess what?

You gotta go to school today. First day, this kid's alive. Damn. Doesn't even spend a day, like, going to have some fun, going to the water park or something. Geppetto's a working man. I guess, yeah, he has to work. But, I mean, it was the middle of the night that this kid came alive. You don't want to even kick with the kid. So anyways, he goes... Bad fathers.

Hold on, that is weird. He's like, my one wish is that you're a real boy. Okay, get the fuck out of my hair. Get the fuck out of here. Why don't you go to real school, motherfucker? So then he doesn't even walk him to school. He doesn't even walk the kid to school. This is a child. This is a wooden child.

First day alive. He's a real boy, you asshole. No, he's not real yet. He isn't real. You're right. That's the whole plot of the movie, right? He wants to be real. Is that what it is? He's not actually real because he's still wooden? He's still wooden. Yeah. Oh, my God. So he sends him off to school. Then this gnarly fox comes and was like, oh, shit, I'm going to sell this guy into slavery, allegedly. Does. Sells him into this marionette puppeteer guy who's a psychopath, locks him in a cage, and

Jiminy Cricket gets them. They sneak out. Then they get... Spoilers. Then they get... 1940s spoiler coming in hot. Welcome to This Is Disney Movies. Letting the whole room know that there's your poop in that potted plant is something of...

I don't... What is that? Well, it was the confidence that was built through that half hour to where I got a rapport with this audience and it was going great. It was a great show. And they were fully on board with everything I was doing. So you just were like, I'm unstoppable. Guys, I gotta be honest. It was a great night. I shit...

And, you know, just the honesty that I was trying to have with this crowd and just admitting like, hey, I didn't think it was going to go well because I shit in that potted plant right before getting on stage. And people were like, what? Why throw a weird lie after he's built this rapport with us right now? And then I was like, yo, go check that potted plant. Someone did. And he's like, there's a shit in here.

I just remember somebody telling a story about how they were in their bed with their girlfriend at the time, and the rats were under their bed, scratching around. And they were like, what was that noise? And it was like, oh, no, that's just... That was me and my ex-girlfriend, and I remember I told her it was the pipes. Because you heard like... Like on the hardwood floor, you heard the rat like... On the way in. And she was like, what's that? And I go, uh, it's...

An old house. It's just old pipes. You just were like, rats. Rats rattling pipes. Ratatouille. Rat. Dude, that was nasty. Dude, can you imagine though if it was a ratatouille who like jumped in your hair and like taught you how to fuck right? There we go. I wish. Ratatouille 2. Hey guys, new movie idea. I just watched Ratatouille for the first time very recently. Wait, what is a ratatouille?

Pixar movie? It's a dish. I know that, but I thought it was a food. It is. Okay, great. But we're using that. I said it's a Pixar movie, and you said, right, but I thought it was a food. So you know it was both of those things. But you also said that it lands in the back of your hair and tells you how to fuck, and you called it a ratatouille. And I'm like, how does the dish land in the back of your hair and tell you how to fuck? Have you seen Ratatouille? No, that's why I'm like, you've never seen Ratatouille. I do understand it's a movie that stars a mouse. Is the mouse named Ratatouille? It's a rat. Ratatouille.

And the mouse... No, no, no, no, hold on. It's the mouse named... It's a rat named Ratatouille? It's a rat. Basically. Basically. I don't know if his name is Ratatouille. Okay, no, that's fucking bullshit. Is it known as a Ratatouille? Is E.T.'s name E.T.?

what do you mean? No one knows. What should we name the male Karen? And like Kyle was always on the list. Oh yeah. Well, it's the hard K. It's the sound that is. I thought Chad is a better choice. I honestly thought Chad is the one. I talk about Chad and Derek's for like 20 minutes on, in my standup special. Todd. Todd's good. It's all Todd. Yeah. I feel like Chad is a,

Well, Todd, to me, sounds like a dumb guy. Like, oh, good one, Todd. Yeah, Todd's an idiot. Good one, Todd. But that's who these people are. These people are idiots, right? That's the whole thing? Yeah, for sure. Chad is more aggro. Chad's young, in my mind. He's a young soul. Okay. Oh, wow. Interesting. Chad is a young soul to you. Oh, wait. Were we not talking about souls? No.

No, no. I actually want to transition to souls. That's why I picked up on this. That's the thing with Honduras is you're always talking souls. Yeah, I don't have one, so I just like to talk about them. Heart and soul, baby. Oh, come on. Give yourself some credit. You've got a beautiful heart in there somewhere. Somewhere. Somewhere.

There should be one bully per high school. And you run for it just like you run for prom king. That would be cool. People get voted and you go, he gets to bully. He's the funniest bully. What he says is usually true. You are ugly. You are a nerd. And he gets to ride on the back of everyone's wheelchair. Yeah.

Around my high school. They would. They'd always take my wheelchair and push that shit. I'm like, this isn't your job, man. This is Kyle Walsh's gig. If you had an electric wheelchair at my high school, you were somebody's ride to class.

That was just the deal you made with the environment. I never got the... I think my parents didn't have enough money to spring for the electric one. They were like, yeah, well, someone's pushing you. I don't want this chiseled-ass Chris Hemsworth ordering pizza. I want Adam Devine with a donk ordering pizza. No, he's delivering it. He's delivering it.

Or you were delivering it? Well, I was an order and I was a pizza delivery guy. Well, that's okay because I was once a delivery guy and I know how you sneak slices in the car, bro. I mean, it's all good. You would eat the pizza? What? From the... Couple toppings? Yeah, here and there. You know what I mean? Are you serious? I was also a pizza delivery guy and you have broken code, my friend. Yeah, you are going to hell. That is breaking code. Well, I mean, I didn't... Come on, guys. Everybody takes a little topping here and there. Come on. How dare you? Listen to him. Beep.

How dare you? Come on. That is breaking code. They trust you with the pizza. Well, I don't do it anymore. I don't deliver anymore. So this is like 20 years ago. You're just getting it off your chest. You're getting it off your chest. I got you. You got to be prepared for what's going to happen. Yes. Are you guys talking a silver war that's going to break out? Silver war. Hey, no. That's what people are talking about. No, I said civil. I said civil. But we're talking about silver. I'm talking about silver. Have you noticed how-

rewind the podcast and check the tape. See if I said silver or civil. I,

This is about to be a goddamn civil war in this podcast booth right now, motherfucker. I want to say you said silver war in Workaholics. I think Adam DeMamp said that once. Yeah, no, that's it. What's great about playing this dumbass character of Adam DeMamp is I got to mess up and say a lot of stupid shit that just ended up in the show. We're keeping it. I think my best trick was the skid.

Oh, my God. Dude, I could just lay some fucking skid out. I could skid for days. I was the hardest skidder on the block. That was the best way to arrive. You're still laying skid marks, right? Yeah, baby. Laying a little tire on a pavement. Hello. What are you talking about in your undies? If you saw a homie from across the playground and you just darted over to him and then went like... For like a skid, you're like...

What's up? That was always the move. Yeah, you had to like see who could skid the longest. Oh, yeah. Not enough. You're talking about from like turning to the side too, right? Not just like the straight skid. Nah, straight bomb. Oh, that's some nerve shit. You turn? Yeah, you turn and you fucking, you tail it off.

You guys ever fuck with some super suckers? Oh, dude. Oh, hell yeah. You mean by Laramie? Laramie. What'd you guys have? Ooh. Did you just have the standard 50? Everybody had a 50. You had to have the 50. You start with the 50. You had to have the 50, and now that's what you would tuck in your pants.

And then you would have the 500, the double banger. That was the 200. Two tanks, whatever that one was. The 500 had the backpack? Oh, yeah. Or was that the 1,000? Can we just go from the bottom up and let me get reminded of this? By the way, Super Soaker does not exist anymore. We looked this up in the Workaholics writers room. It doesn't exist. Why not? Why not?

Maybe they're sitting on it until some guy pays $4 million for a 50. There we go. This is important. That's something I would collect. Yeah, I want to say that there was a 5, 10, 15, 30. There was for sure a 50, a 75, and a 100, and then a 200. Okay, so the 75 was what? What color was that? Orange and yellow. That was the orange and yellow one. So the 100 was the green one? No, blue. The 100 was blue.

Blue. Or was that the 50? No, the 100 was blue and yellow. Okay. The 50 was green bottle, yellow gun. The OG. That was the entry one. Everybody had the 50. 50 was just the first. Yeah, that's the first. Because it was called the Super Sogra 50 because it shot 50 feet. Oh, shit. I never knew that. Oh, what happened was Nerf...

bought super soaker and kind of ruined it if we're being real nerf tried to nerf the size they nerfed it soaker and then just turned it into some some nerf shit man what did they do to it it just uh it looks like it doesn't hold as much water it's just kind of whack as hell people also started putting like bleach and urine in them and shooting 50 feet and taking off like shooting convertibles and shit i'd like to apologize early for doing that as a teenager did you i'm just i'm lying

Spoonerisms rock. They're very funny. Fucking nuts. Knucking futs. There's a bumper sticker that says spoonerism. Funking go nuts. Tuck my sits. Yeah, that too. Wait, what did you say? Tuck my sits. You said what? Tuck my sits. You get it? That's something. Suck my fits? No, tuck my sits. Tuck.

Suck my tits. He's writing it down. Suck my tits.

Top reasons your career wants you to move to Ohio. So many amazing growth opportunities, high-paying jobs in technology, advanced manufacturing, engineering, life sciences, and more. You'll soar to new heights, just like the Wright brothers, John Glenn, even Neil Armstrong. Their careers all took off in Ohio, and yours can too. A job that can take you further and a place you can't wait to come home to. Have fun.

Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as the perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

veggies or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it. Make a creamy pasta alfredo or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go

wrong and yes you could find a ton of recipes on the philadelphia website visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home

If you're a smoker or dipper looking to make a change, you really only need one reason to do it. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you can find many. Not only did Zinn create the first-ever nicotine pouch, we're still America's number one choice for smoke-free, spit-free nicotine satisfaction. It could be because Zinn is made with only six simple ingredients, including naturally derived nicotine salt.

Or maybe it's because Zyn is the only nicotine pouch with a 10-day trial. For anyone worried Zyn won't cut it like traditional tobacco, just ask one of the millions of people who have achieved lasting change. You have lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zyn. Find your Zyn online or in a store near you at Zyn.com slash find. That's Z-Y-N dot com slash find.

Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. You know what's not a joke anymore? Boost Mobile. I know what you're thinking. Don't they sell burner phones? Yes. The answer is yes. But now they also have a legit nationwide 5G network. Boost Mobile is a major freaking player right up there with Verizon and T-Mobile. Boost Mobile has coverage across 99% of America now, and they're not

I repeat, they are not a joke anymore, guys. Seriously. Okay, laugh all you want, but Boost Mobile's offering unlimited talk, text, and data for just $25 a month forever. Yeah.

Laugh all the way to the bank, guys. Boost Mobile Network includes roaming coverage from partner networks, which cover 99% of the U.S. population. After 30 gigabytes, customers may experience slower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Unlimited plan.

I was fast. Nobody could tag me. I have a sneaking suspicion that everyone fast wasn't playing tag. They were playing real sports. See, Blake never... He didn't go to the track meet. No one could tag me. Motherfucker, they're out playing flag football. Okay. Well, there were other...

There were other activities that weren't sanctioned sports that you had to be good at on my block. One was tag. The other was steal the bacon. And I was nasty on that. Yo, steal the bacon got so ruthless. You want to know the other one? Kick ass.

The Can. Y'all ever play that? That game was ruthless. Hey, did you grow up in the 50s? I know. I grew up in a field in Iowa. Adam's getting shanked with knives and you're kicking cans. Bro, we lived in a court. You can play games like that. What is Kick the Can? Kick the Can is so tight. I caught myself just touching people probably more than I normally would. What? Like crew guys. I was just kind of...

Oh, because of lack of human contact? Yeah, and I know that they don't have it. Right. And you haven't touched another person in so goddamn long. Yeah, as soon as you get the green light, you're handsy. These guys did have a certain musculature that made you want to grab them. Oh, my God. These professional shark divers, can we talk about how fucking awesome they are?

Please do. I'm over here waiting. I wasn't there. I'm not going to stop you. Give me the description, baby. We're talking long, lean. Reddit. Long. No, for real. There was this dude, Andre, that was, I mean, a local Bahaman gentleman. Bahaman? Bahaman? Bahamania. Bahamane? Bahamane? Bahamane?

Ripped, dude. Just like, and he had like this wetsuit. Yeah. That fit him well. Why was his wetsuit so much cooler? Why don't we all have trucks? Trucks freaking rock, dude. Totally. Station wagons. Let's get some flatbeds. I want to be flatbed boys. Kyle's got a flatbed. Yeah, he does. I've been on it a few times. Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, when does wine mouth kick in? When does it kick in? It could be... Two bottles? If you're drinking, like, shitty wine, I want to say. Maybe it, like, leaves a film, or maybe it's a sign of great wine. Yeah, that's the good stuff. It could also be, like, a black light for brushing teeth. Gingivitis! In a while. Yes! The Tarzan Listerine guy hasn't swung through that mouth? That's another, uh...

It's a gingivitis indicator. So you're always going to get rim shots. Oh, hey, guys. How to avoid wine mouth. Brush your teeth before eating, not after. The tannins in the wine cling to any plaque on your teeth. So technically, if you've got more plaque on your teeth, you're going to get more wine mouth. This just made it so much worse. This motherfucker doesn't brush his teeth. It is. Wine mouth is the black light of oral hygiene.

You know what video I get sent every once in a while is... Who gets the dog? Oh, man. Who gets the dog? Dude. We won a dog contest.

Me, Kyle, and our old roommate, Teddy, we won a dog on a TV show called Who Gets the Dog? Where three groups of family or friends, three different groups, battle over who the dog likes more and who they feel would be the best fit for this dog. And then we ended up winning. And I got on all fours because I'm a fucking cheese dick ham and acted like a dog to win. I was like, roo, roo.

Yeah, it was really a testament to our acting, like being like, we want to win so bad. We'll put on whatever, we'll say whatever we have to say, all the heartstrings of America. And you won the dog? Yeah. We won the dog. And then we have this dog, Rocky, who now lives with Teddy's family, I think. Oh, yeah. Rocky. What's the deal? Are you eating sushi off of people? I will probably get it.

Yes. You can't do that right now. They're sanitized. What is it? The fish? The fish is sanitized? The people you put the fish on and eat it off of. New sushi. Out where I live, like sometimes in the middle of the night, the packs of coyotes will get something and they will just go crazy. Like crazy. And you hear the animal that they got like screaming and stuff. It is the most, yeah, like fucking leave me alone. Leave me the fuck alone.

No, don't kill me. Oh, not my face. Don't eat my face first. Yeah. Eat my ass first. Oh, just please eat my ass. Eat my ass. Honey, the coyotes are out there again. Eat my ass. Please eat my ass first. Oh, God. Why? Not my face. Just...

Just focus on the ass, please. What are you doing out there? That's what I'm definitely saying that. I'm definitely saying that one if I get attacked by anything. It's just like, please eat my ass first, then eat what? Kyle just walks into the woods, just ass first, just ready to get gobbled. Are you going out to the woods again? No.

I'm laying traps. I'm laying more traps. Just eat my ass. Eat my ass. That's what I hope my ghost says in the afterlife.

What was on these mixtapes? And who were you giving them to? Because I know you and your friends weren't fucking in high school. If there was no Jill Scott in there, you're disqualified. It's true. I know their whole crew. That wasn't a high school fucking crew right there. No, not at all. No, no diss there. We did go to strip clubs, though. A lot of magic the gathering. Yeah.

Gathering something. I remember when... I think I must have been living with Teddy or something, but I remember at Camden when we lived together, he came over and, like, your friends came in town, and I was like, oh, shit, we're going to party and everything. And then you guys played Magic the Gathering for four days straight. And...

I don't know how to play, and so it's just me kind of drinking, sitting around the outside of the circle being like, does anyone want to? Yeah, dude. Anyone trying to go do anything? They're like, nah, we're, this mage is, I don't even know how to make fun of it because I truly don't know Magic the Gathering at all, so. You found yourself knee deep in a booster draft, brother. Oh, wow. You buy a box, you make a deck, you go at it for about four days with your tightest bros, and you come out stronger for it. It's a bro bond. Oh, wow.

We're talking about the cameras at the front of the house to make sure people aren't shooting on your doorstep or any weird stuff. Home security cameras. Right. The cameras at the front of your house. And the back and all around and inside for some people I know. Isaac. Oh, yeah. Well, I got robbed like a handful of years ago. That's when I put mine up. And my neighbor told me, this is how shitty neighbors are in Los Angeles. Like, they truly don't give a fuck. The guy...

And my neighbor was like, oh, yeah. I told him I got robbed. And he was like, oh, yeah, I saw someone digging through your trash wearing scream masks. What? Two guys. And I'm like, you didn't think to call the police? And he goes, no, I just figured it was someone just looking for cans or something. And I'm like, in a scream mask? That's so terrifying. That's amazing. Yeah, they were actually robbing your house in scream masks? Apparently. That's kind of fucking baller. Yeah, that is sick.

It's off the charts. Until you're stabbed to death. By the way, your neighbor robbed you and then told you there were some people with scream masks going through your garbage so that you're totally thrown. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 100%. That'd be tight. Because the first thing you're thinking is, well, it's definitely not this asshole who just saw them and didn't tell me. Right. Look at me. Sherlock Holmes. Oh!

Oh! All of a sudden, I just hear him playing on a Casio keyboard, holding an antique rifle. Is that what was taken from you? Yeah, there's like two things got stolen. Who plays the keyboard? You play keyboard? My, uh... Yeah, man, I tickle the ivories. Come on, dude. They're not ivories. They're plastic on a keyboard. Player. Well, dude, this was elite level Casio, baby. Damn, you kill the elephant? No.

You get like toilet paper and remnants there and I'm like, get it out of there. Maybe allegedly there was tons of threesomes happening between the maid, the wife. Right. Maybe the animals are in there. They're watching. I'm not sure. My opinion, my own opinion from the outside, I don't like that. I don't like that. So he's kind of a piece of shit. I wear spandex shorts and I get after it.

There is penile enlargement surgery, and it's $15,000 with an upfront $1,000. Is that it? That's a deal. About seven, eight inches. We should make a bet, and whoever wins the bet, we all pitch in and get that person a bigger dick. Oh.

Ooh. That'd be fun. I like that. But do we do it percentage-wise, or, like, you automatically have to add four inches? I think it's you're going to work with whatever they say they could give you. Is that what it is? I don't think they can say, I don't think you could go, I want four inches. Right. They kind of take pieces of skin from your body and add it all up into a pile. Mm-hmm.

Okay, it says that it can increase length and girth, measurement around the penis, which is girth, of about 1 1⁄2 to 2 1⁄2 inches while flaccid and erect. That's a lot. An extra 2 1⁄2 inches? I'd have like a 14-inch dick, dude. Okay, all right, all right. 2 1⁄2 inches? Dang. That is crazy. Adam, what about you? What's your surgery? You know, I don't know. I think...

For sure, dick. But also, beyond that, I feel like all of us want that. I think you say it's dick and then... It's a twofer. It's a twofer. If you get the dick, you get the other one for free. If you can get an extra two and a half inches, that's a jambone right there. I don't want it. This motherfucker had our callback.

I don't know. Probably, I say I'm not losing my hair yet, but I see my father and I see all the men in my family and they're all pretty fucking bald. Mother's dad was bald? He died when he was like 40 and he still had hair. Like the photos, he still had hair, but I'm like, is that just how he's combing it? I don't know. My mom said he had a full head, but there was not a lot of photos. What's cool is that you're like, I'm worried about my hair falling out, but my mom's dad, he died at 40, but I'm not worried about that.

Genetic health implications. It's an elective surgery. He had a heart attack because he was like an alcoholic. So I'm not stopping drinking, man. Come on, baby. Let the good times roll.

Remember on Workaholics when we had a dog eat my ass? And it was like... Oh, yeah. What? It was the bulldog from Modern Family that was like... Well, it licked Mountain Dew Code Red out of your butt crack. Wait, that was the episode? That was the entire episode. Yeah.

No. What was, what was the plot? It was the one where we went back to school and I was teasing the national guard or the coast guard, the coast guard. Yeah. Oh, sure. Sure. Sure. They like track me down with their dog and they're like, poor code red down his butt crack and make the dog with it. And,

And like in a TV show, you're like, ha ha, that's funny. How are we practically doing this? And everyone's like, we're putting peanut butter on your butt and then we're going to have the dog lick your ass. That's not practical movie magic, baby. We did you the justice of not putting it in near the hole. It was like on your cheek, right? The justice. It probably felt hella good. Yeah.

The service. Yeah, but you think the dogs can be like, oh, I'll be right over here. Yeah, no. It went for it. He slid the credit card. I was on set that day. That was a good morning. That was a really good morning. I remember. That's a real pick-me-up. Fantastic morning. I'm surprised the animal people weren't like, absolutely, no way. Because they're pretty fucking weird. And if you're just tuning in now, this is important. You know, it's very important. This is important. This is important.

Right.

We'll be right back.

FACET was really the place where we saw all of the tools and the people coming together. Visit FACET.com, F-A-C-E-T.com to learn more. This ad is sponsored by FACET. FACET Wealth is an SEC registered investment advisor. This is not an offer to buy or sell securities, nor is it investment, legal, or tax advice. These testimonials are from current FACET members who were not compensated. All opinions are their own and not a guarantee of a similar outcome. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

It's a simple truth. No matter who you are, mental health challenges can affect you and how you manage them can make all the difference. That's why everyone should have access to mental health support that meets them where they are and helps them get through. BetterHelp provides online therapy on your schedule. It's flexible, simple to use, and more affordable than in-person therapy.

Connect with a licensed therapist selected just for you. Learn more at BetterHelp.com. That's BetterHelp.com.

If you're a smoker or dipper looking to make a change, you really only need one reason to do it. But with Zinn Nicotine Pouches, you can find many. Zinn is America's number one nicotine pouch. It's made with only six simple ingredients. Plus, Zinn is the only nicotine pouch with a 10-day hassle-free trial. There are lots of options when it comes to nicotine satisfaction, but there's only one Zinn. Find yours in online or in a store near you at zinn.com slash find.

Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.