Ep 171: Live From Portland: Kept Portland Even Weirder
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Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what's obviously most crucially integral to the fabric of our very nature. Today we talk about how does the printer work? Just fucking diarrhea-ed on a water slide. Hashtag crazy. Because I thought it'd be funny if I was just like fluttering all over, coming everywhere. He has crazy DSLs.

Here we go. Start your engines. All right, let's buzz off, baby. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's like clockwork. Just like clockwork. And, like, everybody's okay, right? Oh, shit. Oh, that's... We're all okay, right? We're all right. No one's injured. We're all right.

We got a fellow chugger. Everybody's good. Is that you? Portland, baby. What's up, Portland? I love... We'll do it live. All you nasty fucks. Y'all...

Portland, you dirty dog. You nasty fucks. Dirty dog. So I would say a lot of people, because we just came from Austin, and they're like, no, we keep Austin weird. I'm like, dude.

Just walking around a little bit here in Portland, I'm like, this place is way weirder, dude. Oh, yeah, man. Austin's pretty fucking normal. Right. The only difference is, like, I guess they're cowboys. I don't know. Right. I think they're faking it. But there was one guy who's like, I'm weird. And we go, what? And he goes, no, my startup's called I'm Weird. Yeah.

A lot of startups in Austin. No, I feel like Austin's whole thing is like, keep Austin weird. And then Portland's like, get a little less weird, okay? Yeah. Right. Austin's like, we're pretty weird. And Portland's like, I smoke crack. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Portland's been weird for a lot longer. They're on the other side of weird. Yeah. Yeah. They're on the back end of weird. Yeah.

And we've all had uncles probably named Mike who already went through that. Uncle Bob's? I got an Uncle Mike. I had an Uncle Mike. RIP. Uncle Bob's. Is the pilot of Anders and I's airplane here?

Dude. Yeah. Tell a story. Tell the story. There's a whole story. Wait, really? The pilot's here? You invited the pilot? I didn't invite him. You guys were like 13-year-old or like 8-year-old boys being like, can I sit in the cockpit? Right. Blake got a pair of wings, sat on his lap in the cockpit. He flew alone for the first time. Yeah. No, that's not at all how it went down. Oh, that's right. You had honors with you. You're getting really defensive about it. Yeah, man. You're...

Because I didn't do that. Sure. No, I was walking to my seat, and then I heard somebody. I swear to God, I was walking to my seat. So now people walk to their seats? Okay. Yeah, you weren't running or hopping like you normally are? Seems fake. Continue. And I said what's up to the flight attendant. I was like, hey, how's it going? And then I walked past her, and I heard Blake.

And I was like, oh, look back. Like, no one's here. What the fuck? Except for in the cockpit, through the door, I see a little mustached face go. Now? Okay, yeah. Dude, you fucking rock, and I'll see you at the show tonight. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, wow. That's sick. Hey, and normally, I would be like, fuck yeah. But...

Whenever the person whose occupation has other people and my life in their hands is a fan of the podcast...

I get a little stressed out. It's a little shaky, yeah. Like this guy might partake in some of the sweet, sweet Portland crack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So any time we even hit a little minor turbulence, I'm like, we're going down. We're going down. He's po-po-zowing a little too hard. Yeah, it would be like if you were just about to go into like a serious like heart surgery and your doctor was like, by the way, you've got a tight butthole. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Dude, that, I mean, it wasn't a serious surgery, but they, I'm having all these injections into my, like, lower ass. Nice. Yeah. Wow. Nothing like a good injection into your lower ass. It's like cortisone into my, like, SI joints. And so it's like my whole asshole is hanging out, right? And they're like... Close your eyes and envision that. Imagine it. And they're like...

the meat, you know? Spreading it, like lifting it up. Yeah, because they've got to get the right spot so they're moving the meat. Are you laying down on your side? I'm laying down with my ass like up in the air. And are your eyes closed? So how are you laying though? I just need to know how. Open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes. Okay. Greedo!

With a pillow underneath. Like this. So they totally see my asshole. This poor table. I had to stand up just to get the proper angle on that one. It was pretty good. So they fully see my asshole. And then the very sweet, nice nurses, like the 24-year-old girl nurse who was taking care of me, afterwards she was like, I'm a big fan. Tight butthole. You can't do that. She can't do that. And I know she saw my asshole, dude. And I know it's not that tight. Butthole.

What was weird is she never saw Workaholics. She liked Pitch Perfect. Yeah. And she was just like really commenting on your butthole. She's just like reporting in. Huge fan. And by the way, my reports, I will be riding tight butthole. Yeah. It's become a medical term. Yeah. You're like, cool. Cool. I was here to remove a mole on my foot. And while they're there, like, let me get in there.

You're 40. Let me get in there. Yeah, we'll get to that mole, but let's see that butthole. As soon as you're 40, every doctor just insists on looking at your asshole. Before you go? When's your birthday? When's your birthday? Yes! Yes! Okay, so bend over. Oh, my God. Oh, yep. I almost said thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you. This is totally unprofessional, but nice. I don't know.

because I just went, I just had a, what do they call that when they check you out? A physical. I just had a physical. Hey, wait, you know what? Yes, points! Sure, for knowing what happened to me at the doctor's office? Yeah, for sure. No, really, way to find that, dude. I was impressed. And so I was having a physical, and they go, you know, they pull my pants down for me. Oh, they did it for you. Fucking get those things off. In one thing, or was it like a... Yeah, it was like really like...

And then they go, let me, I was thinking I'm going to get a finger up my ass, you know? Nice. And then he just, and he goes, just spread your ass cheeks for me. And so I'm like, it's finally happening, you know? And I spread my ass cheeks, and he just looks at, he just crouches down and goes, looking good. Dude, yeah, my guy did the same thing. I'm like, don't you want to stick a, don't you want to do the thing? Like, isn't there something you're supposed to feel up in there? Like, what's up? Shouldn't we be probing?

Is there something? And he's like, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm like, you're good. I don't give a fuck if you're good. What about me, dude? I'm here for me. Yeah. And I know you are always worried about your butthole. So nervous about my butthole. Yeah. It's just an area of stress and nerves. Kyle, specific question for you. When you did this and bent over, when you turned back around, was your doctor all the way back in the corner? Yeah.

And he was like, no, we're good. It was super weird because he had a clothespin on his nose too. Right. The doctor looks at your asshole like he's lighting a firecracker. You're good. Like, all right. All right. Self points. Self points. Yeah. Then he says, I'm good. Okay. Hey, I'll get some points on that. Hey, by the way. Don't let...

Blake, don't let the audience decide the points, buddy. You're in control of the points, okay? Thank you. Well, he was doing the bit. I think it's hard to give yourself points. Adam's getting fucking Andro out here. Don't get bullied, dude. Is it tough to give yourself points? Do you overlook yourself? No, I think Blake does a great job of giving himself. Do you give yourself enough credit? Yeah. Because I wouldn't.

You want to give me a lot of credit or yourself a lot of credit? The first one. Yeah, I figured. Yeah, you know. No, I just need like a little Jeopardy button that I could push that just goes points, points, points, points, points, points, just in case I... So you could run back through the bit and give points in the middle of the bit. Or take a shit or whatever. Yeah, just leave the stage. Dude, in Jeopardy, there's a little button that gives a ton of points? Yeah, I don't know what... No, I'm saying like a... You have a button when you click in where it goes bloop, and then it goes do-do-do.

And then it puts the lights on it, then you have the timer to answer the question. Wait, one more time? It goes... Right? There's probably not two sounds, but that's how I remember it, I guess. Dude, they asked me to be on Celebrity Jeopardy, and I just turned that shit down. Really? Yeah. Okay. Why? Because I'm like, I'm too dumb for that. I don't want to get up there and not know a fucking single thing. Yeah, but like... Just be like negative 6,000.

But that would have been funny. They're like Greek mythology and I'm like 69. Yeah, that shit would have been funny, dude. You could have rocked that. Medieval times and you're like dinner and tournament?

You're a stupid dumbass. You did not say what is dinner in tournament. But that was the correct answer. We had a question on, do you guys remember what our question was? Or what our answer was? Yeah, because you've got to go answer first. On Jeopardy? Like a Borgalix one? Yeah, that was tight. I also don't remember. It happened. It did happen. And that's one of those moments where you go,

Yeah, that was cool to be a Jeopardy answer. Well, you can figure it out because you can just ask the question, which I'm assuming the question was, what is Workaholics? So now you have to say the answer to that. What is a...

The best show on TV. Someone said it. The best show on TV. Yes, punch. Fuck you, Breaking Bad. Yeah. Suck my dick, The Wire. Yeah, Sons of Anarchy. Sopranos, get the fuck out of here. Sons of Anarchy, felch me. It's...

Is Sons of Anarchy like a show that people talk about still? Sons of Anarchy? Wait, you held on to Sons of Anarchy? I said, I said, felch me. I know. Okay. I know, but then I, you think Sons of Anarchy is the best show on TV? We were naming all-time hits. We're naming the best...

He's like, suck my dick, weird science TV show from USA in 1998. Yeah, suck my dick, California Dreamin', the show that came on after Saved by the Bell in 1993. Give me a hell yeah!

Get the fuck out here, City High. Dude, suck my dick, hey dude. Wait, did you guys? I know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. Hey, you know what? I said it. I immediately take it back. Yeah, thank you. Dude, remember Christine Taylor? Yes. Who's Ben Stiller's current wife? Yes. Yes.

Remember? And she was on Hey Dude, and you're just like, I guess I'm into women riding horses. Right. Wait, do you think... Well, that's a rite of passage for all young boys. Yeah. To go like... Can you name... Wow. There's not enough women riding horses shows on TV for young boys. There should be a channel. I think we all know the number one women riding horses show. What? Name it. Yeah, just... I would love to hear it. Well, I hope she rode a horse in Xena Warrior Princess. Yeah. Yeah.

Did she? I like how you're like, I think we know the number one show where she may have. May have, possibly. And if she did, it's not the main thing in the show. As I'm saying it. I hope she...

Yeah! You know what's weird? So we used to go to Comic-Con to promote Workaholics. Yeah, man. And we were at a photo shoot. Woo! As we do. And I remember, like, glad-handing some producer. And then his very attractive older wife came over and was like, hey, and she has, like, a big personality, was really fun. And I was like, what's her story? And then someone leaned in and was like, that's fucking Xena. Yeah.

And I was like, what? Because she had blonde hair. Yeah. And then I had to do one of these where you just cover the hair. Lucy Lawless? Lucy Lawless, I want to say. Lucy, motherfucking Lawless. And Lucy Lawless is super cool. Her name is Lucy Lawless? Wouldn't you be cool if you were Xena, but in real life, your name was Lucy Lawless? Yes, you'd be sick. It sounds like she has a porno name. That's what's really tripping me out. Well, yeah, I'm sure her name was like Lucy Schmidt. Wait, which one?

And she was like... I'm going to go with Lawless. Yeah. Lawless. Lucy. Yeah. What about Lucy? We're talking about her. Lucy Butthole. Huh? Maybe something like that.

That's a good porno name. I think he deserves some points. As much as I wish that was true. He deserves some points. And I like the fervor from the crowd with that one. They're like, you better fucking give me some points. They were ready to leave. Yeah, they're like, fuck you, Blake. You better hit that points button. Goodbye. Lucy Butthole.

By the way, I just want to imagine a woman going in to see her agent who's like, maybe change your name, and she's like, I got it. Okay, hit me with it, sweetheart. Lucy Butthole.

For sure her agent has like one of those old Mercedes convertibles. Yes. And they're talking on an old car phone. Sure. Driving through the Hollywood Hills. Yeah. And they pick it up going. I'm going into the valley. I'm going to lose you, babe. What's the last name? Yeah.

What's the last name, babe? And even when you're talking to them, they keep saying, talk to me. I'm in the middle of a sentence. Talk to me, baby. I'm actually trying to right now. Talk to me, babe. I am. I'm trying. To defend these agents, though, when you get an agent and you talk to people who talk like that, it's pretty cool. It makes you feel like you're actually there. I got one. I got one of those talk to me, babe guys. They're real. Talk to me, babe.

Because we have one of those. Talk to me. Oh, we got to talk to me, babe. We got a big time talk to me, babe. He says I love you a lot. Yeah, this grown man who I've known for three months loves the fuck out of me, dude. I'm sorry, but wait, how does he... Tell me more. I just can't handle it because I'm like...

I'm leaving that hanging. Ders is like, no one has ever said that to me. Yeah. Wait, you're saying this? I've never felt these emotions. Wait, how does this happen? This is bonkers to me. What do you mean? We don't have the same agent. I mean, I feel like it's just 2023 and people throw it around a lot, but I feel like he means it. Like before you go to, before you hang up. Before I go to bed at night, he calls me. And he goes, hey, sweet dreams. I love you. And then I just go, oh.

I would too. I would never say I love you back. Do you love him? Yuck. I love ya. I got love for him. I love ya is okay. I have love for him. Right. Sure. I just don't know if I would ever say, I love you too, man. For real.

Well, I've said I love you to all of you guys. I've never heard it back from Durr's. I don't know why you would say that. I've never heard it back from Durr's either. But I do love you guys. I wouldn't say I love the agent that I've known for six months. Right. That's good. I think that's different. You guys I've known for 20 plus years. Yeah, and there's love for you guys. That's true. Wait, we have this... Okay, but there's love. That's what you said about your agent too. Yeah, there's love there. There's got to be some kind of a... There's all sorts of love, and then that love is...

It's out there, guys. You guys can take it or leave it. To you guys. It does come from you. It's up to you. To...

Me. Right? No. Say it. I like this. Say it. No, no, no, no. Let's get a spotlight on Ders. Get a spotlight. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out. Time out. If this is the circumstance that causes Ders to say I love you, this fucking sucks. Yeah, that's fucking weak. We need a spotlight on him if he's going to do it. Hey, by the way. Oh, boy. Right. We need this guy to give us a spotlight.

our love that he has for us. Go around and say one thing that you love. You're not saying I love you. You're saying one thing you love about. So you're not saying I love you. Or you can say I love you. I think if he wants to, why not? Well, obviously if he wants to, but the guy is a robot. I'm not going to make him say anything. He's not programmed that way. Okay. You know what's crazy? What? I feel like Portland is the only place where I could say this. Say it! Yep.

Because earlier today did a ton of fentanyl. Yep. Oh sure as one does as one does and now I'm now I'm feeling all sorts of vibes Mm-hmm. We're waiting Kyle. Yes. I've said this before and I'll say it again. Maybe come over to Kyle. Maybe make it a Come over. We're good. I'll just scooch in I'll scooch in it's fine. Yes, Anders

Kyle Nwacek is a creative fountain. Okay. Who... Who... He's blowing. He's blowing. Who...

Who makes art for himself as a... Yeah, in a good way. Thank you. And I love that about him. Fuck! So close, dude. I thought you had it. Just the way he was going in. And I love him. What? Hey! Y'all heard that shit. And shut the fuck up, Portland.

Sorry guys, this is a moment. We could have had this any other place, but it makes the most sense here in Portland. This is why we defunded the police. Shut the fuck up. Yes, sir. Adam. Divine. That's right, that's my name. Besides the fact that my man can barely fit up in this shirt. Wow. In a good way. Oops. Oops.

Adam Devine brings an... And you know what? I'll take this because I didn't speak at your... I wasn't there for your rehearsal dinner. This is good, Blake. Because I heard Blake gave a really good speech at the rehearsal dinner. By the way, why don't you just hit buttons from the board, you fucking weirdo? Hey, you're about to get your love and get ready for it. Adam Devine brings an energy to every room that is infectious and makes you super jealous. And... That's true. Shit.

And that's just one of the many things that I love about him. And I love you. And, um... 69, dude! He said it. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Did he say it at the end? He said, and I love you. Oh, I missed it, dude! Yeah. It's not coming again for 20 years. Oh, shit! I got it. And, uh... Yeah, you're good, dude. I love you. It's a bagel. Wait, that's it? Yeah.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Best hair in the group. What do you want from me? Yeah, that's right. I'm not like some whore. I know we want to just fucking run the clock, but guess what? We got shit to talk about, man. We got stuff to cover. Gaza? I got this one take. You know what? Let's circle back. We'll circle back. We'll circle back. Yeah, I got a Gaza take. We'll circle back. I feel like Portland wants to hear about our Gaza take. I had a Gaza take in Seattle. I just didn't get to it. Maybe we'll get to it later, but I got a take. It's a crazy take. We'll do it live. Okay, get the fucking spotlight. Why is it on me now? I don't want that shit.

How?

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We've been to a bunch of cities now. We're on the back half of this tour, which is super exciting. Woo! Yeah. And we're having a blast. And every city I go to, I sniff around. I go, what's the horniest city? Right. We put a leash on him and we go, get out there. Ha! Yeah. And I'm on all fours and I just get.

Whip out my old horny nostrils. What are you sniffing for when you're out there? And I feel like Phoenix, Arizona, that is a horny place. Everyone's all like real, like too tan. No one's wearing clothes because it's so fucking hot. It's because it's so hot. I think horny obviously comes with the hot. But then when no one's wearing clothes... Even the dudes, the dudes Brazilian wax, which is a whole other level. Very shagadelic. And when you're not wearing any clothes...

you're sort of like, well, I guess we could just fuck. Always horny. That makes sense. Flip flops. Where's this going? But then, in Portland, I've heard that there's strip clubs absolutely everywhere. So maybe this might be the horniest place on the tour. Right.

Hey, well... Maybe. Correct me if I'm wrong. Correct me if I'm wrong. It rains a lot here, right? So, like, I imagine, like, a long time ago, somebody came into a bar, they took off their wet jacket, and then someone was like, I dare you to take off the wrist. Yeah.

Your boobs are huge. She just got like a $10 bill in front of her and the guy's like, I don't know. Okay, well, hey, here we go. I don't know. This could work. And this is so long ago that a $10 bill was like $100. Yeah. So...

Old-timey money. Yeah, go with us, guys. I like to think that is how strip clubs started. It's just there, and then all of a sudden it was like, well, your shirt's off. I guess your pants should come off, too. I can guarantee you it was way sadder. Let's move on. Yeah, definitely. You want that house? Huh? Fuck, honey.

Oh, me? I don't know. I think strip clubs are super happy places that bring people joy. Yeah, there's no doubt. There's no doubt. Your boobs are huge. Yeah, man. 69, dudes! Right. It's like where most chefs get their start. Yeah. Yeah. There's no doubt in my mind. I've been to a few strip clubs in Portland. They're fucking cool. You get to, like... What do you get to do? Like, it's... Yeah, what do you get to do? I feel like I know what you get to do, but what do you... Wait, what do you get to do that's different here? No, they're, like, really cool. There's these back rooms. Yeah.

And if you pay like a ton more, you can go back there? Uh-huh. And you get to watch them run away. You get to like squeeze butts and stuff. Cool. You get to know their real name. Hey, for $40, I'll tell you my real name. My real name's not BMW. My real name isn't Lucy Butthole. Yes, points! Points. Yes, points! Yes, points! No, I...

It was cool because the strip club I went here, it was like a bar and you could play pool and shit. It was super cash. I love you, Blake, because you're like, oh, whoa, dude, there's a bunch of pool tables here. I think that is what's cool about Portland strip clubs is it's not a strip club. It's just like a laundry mat and some girl's like...

This is the spin cycle. Welcome to the spin cycle. Right, but can you imagine getting up all the gusto to be like, all right, tonight they said I could strip and I'm going to go. It's my first night. And you're competing against a fucking Addams Family pinball machine. And you're like, hello. Hello.

There's just like a long line of guys with stacks of quarters, and you're like... Yeah, when Blake was talking about going to the strip club out here, I feel like I was there. And didn't you and Josh Wolfe just start doing pull-ups at the strip club? Is that like a...

Were you working? Yeah. Yeah, it was amateur night. Right? I have this image of you just doing fucking, getting in a pull-up contest with Josh Wolfe at a strip club. I truly do not know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah, it doesn't. Hey, I feel like the only organic way to take this is, Blazer, if you were a stripper, what would that look like? Oh, my God. That's right. What would that look like, B's?

Well, I would have to have a pole. Kyle? What do you want me to do? Get your tall. Kyle's the pole. All right. Am I going to get music or is this not? Play some fucking music. Play me like some fucking tool, bro. This is what it would look like. What's cool is there's for sure a strip club here in Portland where all they play is tool.

I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away. Sad strip club. So what's up? Where my dough at? Kyle, do it. What's up? Where my fucking dough at? Kyle, do you want to just strip? Kyle, go. Go for it. This is what it is. I did it. Kyle's really feeling it. Your nipples are hella hard. That was it? Yeah. Coming up to the stage, Lucy Butthole.

I didn't. No. How would you strip? I'm not going to strip in front of these people. You get up and strip. I can't. There's no fucking way. I can't. I have too many clothes on. I took off his shoes. Is that sexy? Yeah. Yeah, that's actually pretty sexy. Why don't you fucking take off your clothes in front of all these people? It's not the right song for me. I can't even hear the track. It's not Third Eye Blind.

It's Tool! I do remember some girl was like this. Remember there was a girl that was like this? Catching those dollars, y'all. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Too sexual. Wow, man. This is like... Hey, hey. That's for you. Then you have to come back and pick them up at the end. That's the shittiest part. Like, oh, thank you, thank you. I don't mind that, actually.

That part to me is like, well, yeah, you got to do that. Dude, Kyle, how much did you just make? Dude, I made seven bucks, homie. Dude, that's how it starts. If you break it down, $7 for 15 seconds of dancing, you're fucking crushing it, dude. Fucking solid, bro. I get it now. You don't want that? No. All right. Fuck it.

Six bucks. You're going to take that one? I'll take that. Yeah. Hey, seven bucks. If you were a stripper, what would your stripper music be? I thought you were going to say name, and I was like, Adam Devine. That's kind of a stripper name. Yeah, for sure. Probably Pop That Pussy. Yeah.

Yeah, I'd say that's a go-to. Right? That one goes pretty hard, right? I guess it would probably be Pop That Pussy. Right? I don't know. I guess I would do... Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah, and then you know how it goes. Pop, pop that pussy. Pop, pop that pussy. I would slow things down and go after the older clientele. Start spreading the news. That's not the only thing I'm spreading. That's what he calls his ass, the news. And now coming to the stage, the news. Start spreading the news. I would do like Aerosmith Crazy. Oh.

Oh, you would get money, bro. Or in Vogue, giving him something he can feel. Oh, okay. You would wear long gloves up to your elbows and just... Yeah. I mean, that's what I normally wear. No, you have the guys bite it off. Yeah, bite it. You're like, God, that's my fucking finger. What the fuck are you doing? That's my finger, Adam. I said bite the glove, you stupid bitch.

That'd be cool. I feel like that's gotta be a problem in strip clubs where like guys are biting fingers instead of gloves like Bigs got a problem. Yeah, man Anyway, what would yours are me my song I think would be I don't know I probably you went old I would go wildly new. Oh Hasn't even come out yet. Yeah, it's like some new drops. Sure. I

By Lil Scrappy. Sure. You just named an artist who hasn't made a song since 2004. I was going to say. Just say iSpice. I didn't know Lil Scrappy was a real artist. Oh, very much so. I was trying to make up a little...

No, keep it real. You were only trying to think of something besides Blink-182. That's all that just happened right there. Right. And I give you mad credit for that. Because all the small things would make a great striptease song. It'd be great. If you go out with your pretty small dick and that's the song you use. Mine? Yeah. Wait, are we supposed to be stripping as ourselves or as gorgeous women?

No, you're just yourself, dude. Oh, no. I got up and stripped as myself. What are you talking about? I was picturing myself as like a cool lady. Oh, really? Yeah. Wait, but after I actually did that, you changed it in your mind? I got up and stripped. I think maybe I just came out as... Yeah, Ders is always imagining himself as a cool lady. Oops. Oops.

I did it again. I can see that. I feel like out of all of us who would most successfully transition, you would think it's Blake because he has the cool hair. Right, yeah. But it's Dirt. Thanks, dude. I appreciate that. I believe in you. Okay. Let's do it.

I'm not going to touch that one, but... Why not? You don't think Ders would be successful as a woman? I have seen Ders in full cross-dress makeup for a project that we did. That's right, we did that. We'll post those pictures now for the listeners at home. You looked fantastic. Well, I will say, I wore a dark brown-haired wig, and I got green eyes, so they popped. You popped. I'll tell you what, you popped. They popped. I did look really... Something popped.

Oops. I looked like my mom super young, which when I sent the pictures to my brothers, they were like, who is that? Really? And I was like, my oldest brother was like, that looks like mom. And he was like, is that some Polish lady who looks like mom? And I was like, that's me, dude. And then I said, freaking deal with it. Oh, yeah. Well, Alexi did that makeup. It's 2012. Wait, is your mom Polish? No, but I looked...

I looked Polish. He was giving Polish vibes. I was in what everyone here would imagine a Polish person was wearing. I'm trying to think of what Polish women wear right now. I'm not going to say what it was because that would be like a stereotype. So I'm going to let everyone here imagine what you think a Polish woman in her early 30s would look like and what she would wear. I know what you were wearing. Okay, go ahead and say it.

A fucking zip-up hoodie and a workout gear. Like yoga pants and a hoodie. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And that is Polish to you? Dude, that's more Polish than anything. Hot, hot, hot, hot. I did not know this. No, he's right. I've actually heard that about Polish women. Were you doing like a Polish accent? I don't even know how that would go. My eyes were. Oh. Yeah, that's true.

I can vouch for that. Yeah, I bet you can. Good shit. You look great. I remember saying that we should just use my real voice. Oh, yeah. We made like an artistic choice because it was like, oh, I could do like a thing. And I was like, I think it might be better if I just talk like this. Yes. And it worked. It was way better. It was a great choice. It was a hit show that we all remember. Yeah. I don't even remember what the fuck it was. What was it? It was a pilot presentation we did for Adult Swim. Yeah. And they were like,

we're good on this. Yeah, they didn't pick it up. Yeah, I don't like it. It was art for art's sake, so that's what it was, right? It was a TK project. Yeah, Rage and Duty. So it was too crazy. TK, who was the slam dunking Aladdin on Workaholics. Yep. Yes. Yes.

He's the best. That's cool. He would have loved that. Among other things. Yeah. Yeah. He's dead. No, he isn't. What the fuck? He's not dead. Why the hell would you ever say that? That's so mean. I just felt like it was the right thing to say. Blake always gets offended when we put death on our friends, but it's always really funny. Yeah. I thought that was hilarious. I loved it, but I was like, shouldn't I be saying that? Whenever I leave the room...

Tell the other person I just died. That's really funny to me. You got it, buddy. Hey, Isaac, can we get another round out here, please? Oh, okay. The VIP experience. Please.

Oh wait, no wait, I'm so sorry, I just remembered. Isaac died. Isaac died. We were just talking about the strip clubs, and if I know anything, Isaac's gonna come out here without his shirt on. Come on, baby. Nips out. Also, like, also, like, where the fuck are you? I know, he's been bent over for like probably a minute. I'm not trying to be like Holly weird, but bring me beer now.

Yeah, but give him the microphone. And I know he's going to take his shirt off. Isaac Horn, everybody! What happened back there? Why did it take you so long to pick up three beers? A bunch of LaCroix's and everything else on top. Oh, that was LaCroix's on top. Let's see it. Let's see it. Oh, boy.

He always does that. He shows us his tots. What sucks is, I mean, we'll tell like crazy stories about Isaac, about how like him and Blake fucked. What the hell? No, no, no. We don't tell people about that.

No, I mean, we've been around Isaac when he's been butting it. He's like whipped his dick out in front of us and wiggled it around and shit. Wait, what? Yeah. But then he won't whip out his translucent titties in front of 2,000 people. It is weird. It is weird. And it makes no sense. I kind of get it, though. I didn't want to do it. But then, like, in Dallas, I took my shirt off. And tonight, and then it became addicting. And now tonight, I've shown my titties. And then you saw how much the crowd loved it. Yeah, it's a very easy trap to fall into. You know, he's...

Kyle, what time did you get here today? I got here yesterday. I got here last night. Have you been pickleballing, dude? You couldn't get enough of it. I didn't go pickleballing this morning. It was too cold. I didn't bring base layers. I fucked up. It's fucking cold up here. That's very true.

Can I take my love back? What the? I signed up for something. I signed up for a game, but then I just let you go. You said no before going out, right? You didn't get there. Because then once you get out there, you're moving around.

I know. It's like 50 degrees. It's not that cold. No, it was fucking like 35 this morning when I was going to go play. There was no way. I feel like I would have gotten sick immediately. 40? 40. Okay, fucking 40. It was 40 degrees. I checked the weather. It was 45 degrees, you bitch. Who fucking cares?

So the low today, Kyle, was 45 degrees. It was 45! No, it wasn't. What time were you going? At 3 a.m.? No, I was going to go at 9 o'clock in a place called... So guess what, Kyle? It warmed up to 50! Not by 5! Not by 9.30! By 9.30, it was 50 degrees! You don't need base layer! Wasn't it 50 degrees yesterday?

Was it 50 degrees at 930? No! I'm seeing 39. I'm seeing 39 this morning. That's 40! No, that's 39. I wish that this is the way that the news in Portland did their weather. Oh, you bitch. Leave those base layers at home, you fucking pussy. We need to have a weather channel that has two weathermen

that disagree on what the weather's gonna be. No, they disagree on what is cold. They're like, it's 45. You don't have to wear the base layers. And then the other guy going, you fucking psychopath. You can't go out there. What if they're a sweater? I'm a hardcore sweater. As soon as I start playing, I sweat like a motherfucker. Oh, I thought you were saying a sweater. Kyle, I'm a person who sweats. Are you one of those cool kids that wear shorts year-round?

No. No. No. Really? Yeah. It doesn't matter what I wear. I fucking start sweating. So even if I was shorts and a t-shirt today, which is why I didn't go, because I only brought shorts and a t-shirt. I thought you said you signed up. I did sign up. Wait a second. You're getting your stories all. Yeah, you know what, Kyle? Fuck you. You said you signed up and then they didn't reach out. So is it that or that you're a bitch and didn't wear clothes? I signed up on the internet last night. Heard of it? I'm well aware of the internet. Go ahead. Okay, so that's what I did. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm a bitch. And then I also noticed that it was in a place called Camas, which was Washington. Yeah. And it was kind of far away. Are there some camasols in the building? Yeah. A lot of camas heads. Give me a hell yeah.

Some super tight lady shirts? I did tell Blake that I wish I did go play pickleball. So I do wish I did go play pickleball. So what did you do? You didn't play pickleball. Did you enjoy the sights of Portland? I did not. I stayed in my hotel room all day. A little naked yoga, for sure. I did a little naked yoga to start the day. Well, you hung out with

Naked Yoga is jerking off, by the way. He J-O'd all day in a weird position. There's a VIP in the audience, our buddy Thomas. If you're out there, Thomas, our bro. Where are you, Thomas? Thomas is like this right now. I'm good. I'm good. Thomas? We've been friends for a long time. There we go. I think that was him.

Cool. That's not Thomas. We've been friends for like, what, 20, 25 years with Thomas? 30 years maybe? But you guys are only 28. Dude, well, Thomas is a very special friend. A very, I love you, Thomas. I love you very much. You mean a lot to me. What do you mean special? Are you his agent? Why are you saying I love you? I love you, babe. Let's talk chow. You know, my persona is kind of like a super... Your persona? Yeah.

The fuck is happening right now? I'm like a super cool guy exterior. Wait, I'm going to go take a shit. What?

No, I would say Blake puts on like a guy who knows how to skateboard and play guitar and surf. And he doesn't know how to do any of that stuff. But there's a second side to me. Something that really... So someone besides a liar? Yes. Okay. It's the side that's on your shirt right now. Fantasy, D&D, computers. I'm a...

I'm a bit of a nerd. Did you say computers? Yes, he did. That's why he runs the sound board. What else do nerds like? Computers? Dude, Thomas. You're not into computers. Dude, Thomas was my gateway friend to like. Like gateway computers? Yeah, exactly.

He's my deltoid. I don't think you know, in junior high, talking to a girl you like is super scary, right? But approaching the computer lab to talk to the nerd guys is super scary too. No, it's not. See, I disagree. I was totally fine talking to those guys. I was like, how does the printer work? Yeah. I'd be like, hey, what happens when you restart it and hold down control, open Apple, delete? Yeah.

Do you guys remember? Do you guys remember that? Blake's like, hey, what's up? Hey, Keith, how does the printer work? I don't know.

You know how we play... I'm sorry, that was stupid. You know how we play D&D together because I'm always so deep into fantasy. No, dude, I kind of know what you're saying because the kids that would play Magic the Gathering at lunch, I was... Yeah, so you know what that is? Thank you. And so I wasn't in that crew, but I'd be like... You know, I had a few friends that were doing it, and I'd come over and be like, ah, cool. Yeah, and then you put those cards down, and then you kind of stack those cards up. You flip the table. And then I go...

Hey, how do you do it? And they just looked at me and go, nah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, they looked at me and you're like, you're not gonna. I had, like, I had a line where I would. This is ours. I would, like, sit down and play, but I would always barf.

borrow everybody else's shit because I was there was no way I was gonna fucking buy that shit on my own dude you mean like you would be like hey deal me some cards but you never had your own I would because they all everybody who plays collects so many cards and they have all these different decks and I was like well see to me that seemed like the cool part about it you get to collect a bunch of shit no but see I had that line drawn where I'm like I'm so much not a nerd I'm not gonna purchase anything yeah I get that but then Kyle what happened

I never purchased a fucking thing. No, but then what happened? Yeah, I fell into it. You're a fucking disaster, my guy. I do like that they were like, not for you, man. Yeah, they were like, hey, why don't you go to homecoming? Yeah. You fucking dork. Hey, have fun smoking weed, bro.

Have fun smoking weed and hacky-sacking, you fucking nerd. I'll be like, yo, where's Thomas and Teddy? And be like, it's lunchtime. Why aren't they eating fucking Taco Bell with us like the fucking normal people? And they're like, they're in the computer lab and they didn't invite you. Yeah, they're playing fucking StarCraft. And I'm like, what the fuck? You can do that at school? Yeah. Dude,

I feel like me and 1,800 other people don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I was trying to like, I'm like, what is, I was, you were looking at me like, I know what StarCraft is. You guys don't know what StarCraft is? All right. Hey. Sure. Yeah. Don't try to be part of the cool clique with like. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Maybe you don't know what, do you know what WarCraft is? Yes. Like World of WarCraft? Like World of WarCraft? Like WoW? Yeah. I mean, I call it WoW. I call it WoW. That's why I call it WoW. It's WoW.

I'm always like, wow, you guys are still famous? Is it World of Starcraft or Starcraft within the World of Warcraft? This is what I'm talking about with nerds. I don't even want to fucking explain it to you fucking idiots. See, that's how I felt at that lunch table. It's like there was Warcraft, then there was Starcraft, then there was World of Warcraft, what you fucking guys heard about.

Wait, so can I get into this world real quick? Can I get in this world as an outsider? Yes. And don't ruin this, but ladies, any ladies in here play this game? And how... No, that's... Hang on, hang on, hang on. Follow-up question. How was that? Your boobs are huge. Was that, like, rad? Yeah.

Or, like, I mean, it's fine if it was rad, but I'm just like... I would say 60% of those women were sitting next to guys going, babe, you fucking played it. Right, we gotta go. Babe, you played it. And then she's like, why did you bring me here? This is stupid. Yeah. I remember people in, like, a basement playing a lot of Mario Kart, and, like, I'm not a huge Mario Kart guy or a video game guy, so I sat with the ladies, and we just waited for it to end. And, like...

None of them played. I have an asshole. Yes, that's right. You have an asshole. And it never ended. Well, that's what was super sick about like playing D&D is like it never ends. So if you're like Chick is waiting for you to be done, you're like, it's never done, babe. Yeah.

Dude, I remember when you were... Right, but then she, like, takes her glasses off at prom and marries the, like, prom king. Marries Adam. Yeah, she runs off with Adam to, like, prom weekend, dude, because she took her fucking hair down and her glasses off. And she turned out to be, like, a stunner. Or you get married. She's Rachel Lee Cook.

Or you get married online in EverQuest, and she's the coolest girl you've ever met. Oh, yeah. No, I think you said that wrong. She's the coolest girl you've never met. Right. IRL. She's like, no, dude. She's not real. Dude, she lives in Portugal. Yes, points! Her dad is, like, the king of Portugal. Oh, dude. For sure, online gaming was, like, the first catfishing, where it was like, dude, I don't know, I just met this dark elf girl, and, like, we fucking...

And we just clicked and we're like legit married. And you're like, and I'm meeting her tomorrow. And then it's just like you're at the airport and the dude's like, lay off. I'm starving. Wait. It was 1995 Chris Farley? That's sick, dude. Yeah.

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I feel like there's a lot of stuff guys do that women tolerate and kind of hang out until we're done. But what's a thing that you guys have done for lady friends that you've had where you're like, yeah, okay, I'll go. And you just are fucking hanging out and watching. Shopping, dude. Oh, yeah. Shopping. That's why they have couches. So you just sit there drinking your iced coffee, staring at your phone while your wife is like, I don't know, is this right? Yeah.

Is this the right size? What do you think of this? Is this color pop or is it too much? Is it too much pop? I love that shit. I'm like, not enough pop. Let's find some pop. I'm over here going like... Here's pop. We got some pop right here. Let's put the pop right there. Let's try that on. I don't know. You can try that on. Go ahead. Try it on.

Yeah. I dig shopping. I don't mind it. You like shopping? I like picking out outfits with my wife. Yeah, I think that's cool. Yeah, I'm with it. I'm with it. I'm with it. I do. We kind of just got into it this, like, in the last couple years where it's like, what's your closet look like? And it's like, oh, it looks like this. What pieces do you have? Oh, my God. My closet looks the same. Oh, my God. We have the same closet. You just got into it the last couple years. What does your closet look like? When I see those guys on the couch, I go, you don't know what you're missing, man.

I mean like the pieces in your closet. Pieces? Yes. What are you talking about? Okay, that's... Is your wife on Selling Sunset? Like what the fuck is she wearing, dude? I don't know. That's just a way of saying articles of clothing, right? Like pieces? Because you can have like a statement piece or like regular pieces. My man, look at Kyle go. Yeah. And what are these pieces, dude? Well...

I mean, yeah, that's pretty plain, actually. They're just colors for the most part, which is a choice. I agree. Those are colors. Hey, I'll agree. It's a choice. So wait, what's your fucking pieces? What are those fucking shoes? What are those? These are Portland's finest flower mountains. Bro, you better be careful out here. It's like Nike gang, bro. You better chill. Hey, sorry about it. This isn't Nike.

I don't know. I just saw these on Instagram, and I was really stoned. And sometimes when I get really stoned, shoes show up at my house. That's cool. And my wife is like, did you buy these? I'm like, I think so. Smoke weed every day. I don't know.

They're in your size. So you bought those off of Instagram? Yeah, I bought those on purpose. I'm pretty sure. So there's a very good chance they're just going to explode on the airplane. I think there's a very good chance that it's just one guy named Jeff who's sewing together shoes, and I'm like the fourth guy that bought these shoes. You know what's crazy? There's music coming from them.

I don't know if you can hear that. Is it weird that when I see, I saw a little kid and he had like those light up shoes. They're not LA Gear anymore. They're like another brand. There's so many that have light. He had lit up shoes and I was like, fuck. I wish they fit me. Yeah.

Because how fun would it be if we all had lit up shoes up here? Dude, we'd have the best time. Wait, also before LA Lights, was it British Nights? Did British Nights light up? Yeah, but British Nights didn't light up. They didn't light up? I don't believe so. Oh. Yeah, and then...

and then we were like, fuck British people. That's right. That's right. We're talking about actual British nights. If you had your LA lights and your LA looks in your hair, you're fucking good. What did I say? You said LA lights, which is fine. Everyone got it. Fuck, dude. It's fine. Take away points. I don't have that button, Kyle. Take away my points.

Damn. I fucked up. I'll just say no. No! No! No. No points. No kids for sure. You got to hit points, dude. No!

It's going to say yes. Yes, points. But like... I forgot he said yes. Over... How the fuck did you forget that? That was so funny. I thought he just said points. Over shoes that light up, which are fire. We can all agree light up shoes are... Fire. Fire.

Heelys. Heelys? Oh, Heelys. As soon as you see just like a person walking and they're just like, whatever age, and then they like fucking hit in that slide...

And they, like, go somewhere. You're like, well, that's not fair. Yo. That's really cool. We had a math teacher who rocked Heelys. Wow. He sucked. His breath was so bad. Horrible fucking breath. Bro had some halitosis. I've only failed one class in my life. Hang on. Like a legit F, you're talking to the king. Dude, a straight up F. He was...

our math teacher and I am really bad at math but I couldn't ask him how to do shit. That is true. The other day I was like seven times seven. He was like what? 42? 9? I don't know. I saw that conversation. That was cute. He would come like if you asked a question he would come by him on his fucking Heelys. It's so cool. You were just intimidated. No dude because his breath would bounce off your desk into your nose and he'd be like ahhh. Right.

I'll take the F. Fuck it. Right. Fuck it. His breath was so bad. Yeah, I passed all my classes and all their breath. Yeah, sorry. And all their breath was fine, dude. Really? Oh, I get it. Yeah.

There it is. Nice. Not a lot of diarrhea drops today. Adam, why did you even have to say you passed all your classes and your teacher's breath smelled good? What does that do for you and us? Well, because I think the only reason you guys are failing classes, and you said you failed a lot of classes, I think it's mostly breath related. It probably was. And so I think we got to go to some of these teachers and be like, yo, let me see.

Breath check. Maybe you can do it. Maybe they can do a breath check before school. Maybe they can implement that. First of all, they all need to carry guns. That's before breath. And then they all got to check their breath. I'm listening. Do you have your gun? Now breathe into my nose. We had a teacher who someone caught eating mayonnaise out of the jar with their hands at lunch. They came in to be like, hey, do we need to do that homework? What?

And she was like, hang on, hang on, hang on. Rough. Yeah, that's incredibly rough. Wait, that's rough. The whole flipper. Like combing the rim. No, this is a tall tale.

Oh my God. And she's like kind of looking for a napkin. Yeah, yeah. Hold on. And who walked in? The principal? No, like somebody we know walked in and was like she was eating mayonnaise out of the jar with her hand. Oh.

What's cool is like... I can't even imagine trying that. There's no napkins, but she just is taking like book reports like... Right. Right. Yeah, I was just... You caught me grading. You caught me grading. Now, we don't have to name names, but you know how like all these teachers are getting fired because they have OnlyFans? Yeah, this woman did not have that. Sure. Sure. Miss Mayonnaise Hands didn't have OnlyFans? First of all, how cool would that be if your teacher had OnlyFans and you were like 17 years old?

I feel like it would be one of those things that change the course of your life entirely. Yeah. You move to Portland and you start a laundromat strip club. Right, but everywhere I go, I'd be like, what's up? I had an OnlyFans teacher. And people would automatically be like, dude, talk to me about that.

It would become like my entire personality. And I'm like, dude, your breath smells like ass. He's like, actually, go on my OnlyFans. I'm eating it constantly. Yes! Points!

That's raw. Yes, punch! I'm glad you mentioned how bad my breath is because I had a 24-hour ass-eating marathon last night. I do like that. Excuse me. I hate to be like a jerk, but your breath smells like ass. You're damn right it does. Hey, it better. That's no surprise. No doubt in my mind that it does. I didn't even have time to brush my teeth before work. I just fucking...

I like that he did it before school. He's up there at 6.30 a.m. being like, we got to film some content. Schedule-wise, it just worked out better for me that way. It was a 24-hour ass-eating marathon. Oh, wow. It had to be like Sunday all the way to Monday. He was eating ass. He's like, oh, shit, it's 6 a.m. I better get to class. Time to teach pre-algebra. I got an A period today.

And tell everyone in the audience what that means. A period? Oh, that was like... We had A and B period. Yeah, you could take a really early class and then you could get out of school early and smoke a bunch of weed! We called that... Or, in my case, play StarCraft. Yeah, you were not smoking weed, bro. When did you guys start smoking weed?

When I moved in with you guys. Is that real, Bam? Yeah, Blake didn't really smoke a lot when we were in high school. Like, rare. That's probably the only reason I passed high school is because I didn't catch the ganja dragon. You did not. When we would smoke it, you did not. You would roll, like, the tiniest little fucking pinner joints that were basically paper and be like, I'm going to smoke with you guys, too. I'd be like, what? Is it real? Okay. What was your whole stance?

I just, I liked drinking beer and that was about it. You did drink a lot of beer. You're Dahmer style? I was kind of like on the Jeffrey Dahmer diet. Hey, I just thought we could get together and drink beers and you guys started smoking weed and now I can't cut you up. Let's just drink some beers. I just feel like if I drink... Ders does too good of a Dahmer, dude. That shook me to my fucking core right there. Watching that show, I was like, this is every dude I went to Wisconsin with. Yeah, just fucking have a beer and maybe we fuck. I don't know.

Wait, so every dude you went to Wisconsin with tried to fuck you? I... What'd you say, though? When you're that good-looking. After a 12-pack of beer, everyone in Wisconsin tries to buttfuck you. Yeah, all right. Okay, I didn't know that. Should we do some Hot Topics? Let's do it, baby. Portland Hot Topics!

Dude, we actually were talking about this earlier. Snoop Dogg says he's giving up smoking weed. What the? Smoking weed. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Come on, guys. Man down. Why are you saying stop? I'm saying don't boo him. He's asking people for privacy. He's not. You can't name yourself Snoop Lion. He's not saying I'm asking for privacy. He's making a statement saying he is. On Instagram, he's saying, like, please respect my privacy for this. But it makes me think that there's something wrong with him.

like medically. Oh, is that real, man? That's what I thought. But you don't need to announce it.

Exactly. Then you don't just announce it. Then you just stop smoking weed. So what's up? Is this another Snoop Lion thing where I'm doing this and then I'm going to do this? Yeah, but it's another Snoop Lion thing where you're doing this. Yeah. It might be one of the classic Snoop Lion things where he's doing this. Well, when he went Snoop Lion, I was like all in on Snoop Lion. I thought it was cool. We were all in on Snoop Lion, right, guys?

Yeah. That's when he, all he did was call himself Snoop Lion and then made a bad reggae album. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, look, we all want to get snooped upside the head. What are we doing here, guys? Come on. Maybe you can't. Admittedly, he smoked way too much weed. A lot. Well. Oh, boo. That guy could not open his eyes. I met him like 15 times. Every time I was like, yeah, man. Hold up.

So, yeah, known as a weed enthusiast and rapper, Snoop Dogg announced the unthinkable on Thursday. He's giving up smoking. Who wrote this? What the hell? They're writing this like crying. He said the unthinkable on Thursday. Dude, and this is going to be a Netflix documentary in six months. That's why he's doing it. Yeah. He's trying to stir up some stories. And then he's like, and then I gave up smoking weed, and then I started again. Because, like, honestly, dude, but –

With my brand of startup weed. There it is. Hold up. And that is... That is crip walking you're doing, or... I don't know. I heard something. Yeah, something popped. At this point, why the fuck is he giving up weed? Dude, you're... Whatever you have, you're done, dude. Dude, and he's done it. He's made a ton of money, and now he could just do heroin and die. I'm with you, Kyle. That's what I think. I'm with Kyle. I think there's something else underneath this that's more than just a publicity stunt. If you're saying this for health reasons...

Dude, he's a goner. He's been smoking weed for so long. But he was somebody. Dude, stop him now. Yeah. That's why I'm like tripping because him and Willie Nelson were the people that I was like, well, they're still fucking smoking and they're fine. Well, they're not. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Yeah. Well,

Why do you need to tell yourself that? This is what happens when you... Because I like smoking weed. I know, but why do you need to hold yourself up to somebody else who's old and does that? Because they're like, you know, pillars in the community of marijuana, dude. Those fucking dudes smoke all day, every day. And I figure if they're good at fucking 70 or 80 or 85... He does say, please respect my privacy at this time. Please respect my privacy. But he did post an Instagram post, so...

I know. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like the whole... Well, that's the whole thing is oversharing now anyways, right? Like, people share everything and it's like, well, you don't have to do that. Also, the whole perk of getting super old is like, in your last...

five to three years, you do acid every day. Oh, yeah. Like, every day. Dude, so Snoop Dogg's like 55 years old. That's a fucking great idea, by the way. Open up a retirement home where everybody can just do fucking shrooms and LSD and play video games, bro. Hey, and guys, and I know you're cheering this, but that's literally what old folks' homes are. Yeah, that's it. They're just getting it from their actual doctors, from big pharma. Just, I mean, kind of.

The big problem with Snoop quitting weed is his weed rolling guy. Where's he going now? He's just out on the streets now? Or is he going to be his salad making guy? He's got to get a whole new... He might have done a couple things. He washed the car as well.

He's like, now I make the shakes in the morning. Is he getting a pay cut? You have to fill it with something else, right? Right, you do. Now I make the shakes. Snoop Dogg was addicted to smoking weed and now he's like, I drink 60 shakes a day. He's going to be like, suddenly he's going to be like 280 pounds. Dude, I got a weird feeling it's going to be a pickleball. I'm Snoop Whale. Yeah.

He's going to be fucking wrapping those pickleball paddles and shit. Hit me with it, Blake. Shake dog. Shake dog. Botox and OnlyFans. George Santos, who I just learned who this guy was, but evidently he's like a congressman. Evil name. Yeah. George Santos won't run for re-election after damning ethics report.

Dude. Yeah, so I guess he was kind of fucked up, right? This guy? I think he was like a big liar, right? He lied about everything. So he spent all of his election money on Botox and OnlyFans. Awesome. Which makes me like this guy so much more. What a psychopath, dude. Yes.

What a psychopath. He was voted into office. Yeah. He tricked everyone. I kind of like that we're all like, oh, that's crazy. I'm like, yeah, but we voted him in. Well, we didn't. No, no, but like people did. It's representative of us, guys. Like it or leave it. Go to fucking Canada, okay?

Go to fucking Canada. So evidently he was a congressman from New York, blatantly stole from his campaign and used it on Botox and OnlyFans, dude. I love it. How much can you spend on Botox? I know you can spend a lot. Up to $200,000, they think. 200K? Have you seen his face? On Botox and OnlyFans. He has crazy DSLs.

Nice. Loose butthole. Crazy. Loose butthole. He was the one that, when he's walking through the halls of Congress and the reporters are asking him questions, he's like... So you do know. I don't know. I didn't know that. That's the only thing I know about him is he was walking through. This was just a week or two ago, and he's like... Stop it! I'm going out! And do you know how hard that is? And you're like, Jesus Christ, my guy. Shut up, bitch! I don't want to! Shut up!

To do that with DSLs is so hard. But, I mean, he was sexy looking when he did it. Yeah. Right.

Right. He just is a Kardashian. Dude, Botox treatments, luxury fashion purchases, so like what Kyle's into. Yeah. He got a lot of statement pieces. Hell of Bonobos. Trips to Atlantic City and Vegas, holidays in the Hamptons, and even his own rent. I love. Dude. I mean, do it. All hail King George Santos. Like, honestly. The ultimate grifter. Grifter.

Like, if you're getting texts from a politician and you're like, yeah, I'll give you money, you're crazy. You're crazy. Oh, dude, I mean, fuck. The texts right now, if I get another text from anybody, I don't care who it is, I'm probably not just, I'm just not going to vote. Dude, I'm a registered Democrat, and the amount... Oh!

Hey, I also don't know how I feel about it because these motherfuckers are relentless. But you also bought a Make America Great hat and then somehow got into their emails. Dude, I bought when Donald Trump was just running and everyone kind of thought it was really funny. Yeah, I thought it was a joke.

Except for my uncle. He was really into it. Still is. And I was like, so I bought a ton of Make America Great Again hats for the Workaholics writers to, like, toss out in the room and be like, you made the story great again. And I thought it was hilarious until I got on that email chain. They're like, you're one of the good ones. Welcome to the club.

And I was like, ah, these guys are psychos until I registered officially as a Democrat. Fucking Adam Schiff. That guy is always like, hey, Adam. And you just see, hey, Adam, in an email heading. You're like, oh, fuck. Is this my grandma? Click, click. And then it's just like, now is more important than ever. Give us $10 or we won't have highways. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't seem important. Which is true in L.A. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you not want the garbage taken out? Because the Republicans love garbage piles on your street. How do I get some emails from fucking George Santos that's like, what's up, bro? I need a new Gucci suit. Hey, bitch, I need Prada. And then he does the Snoop Dogg dance. I don't know if you've heard, but I spent a lot on this platinum grill, and I'm kind of strapped.

That would be a good email. I feel like you could slide in his DMs and he'd be cool with that. Oh, for days. Yeah, I feel like Trump is the closest to that where he's just like, I'm probably not going to spend this all on political stuff. And people are like, right on. He's my kind of president. I bought a boat. I bought two boats and a painting and the painting was of the boats.

Oh, they want... That's not even... Yeah, okay. The people want points. Yes, points! The people want points...

And we want more beers. And that's why people love Republicans so much because they're just fucking lunatics. The Democrats always try to make it seem like it's for something good when we know they're just getting Botox and jerking off to... Eating babies. Teachers. We got pretty polycharged right there. I'm pretty pumped on that. Yeah, that was a poly... That's the most poly segment I think ever been. Yeah. We know what we're talking about. And we're going to circle back to my whole take on Gaza. We're going to circle back to that. Yes.

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Go to ZOAenergy.com. That's Z-O-A-Energy.com. So, I'm almost sick about talking about this guy, but Travis Kelsey. Sure. Travis Kelsey, old tweets. Reposted by Taylor Swift fans ahead of Eagles versus Chiefs. And they are pretty fucking good.

Travis Kelsey in 2011 goes, why do I always have to be the one that stands out? I'm getting stared at like crazy in the airport. Shake my head. I mean, is that because you're 6'5 and cock diesel? Like, I think everybody looks at whoever's that. At least I do. A lot. That's a cool tweet. Also in 2011, he goes, about to go go-kart racing. Ha, ha, ha.

Dude, that's fucking sick. See, but this is exactly what Twitter's supposed to be. Yeah. This is what it was when it first started. You're like, I'm eating pizza. Fuck, I don't know. That's not even an exaggeration. That's what people would do. They'd be like, I'm on the train. Exactly. And then 2010, he goes, the moon looks crazy tonight.

I'm going to chill out here a little and just visualize my success and vibe to the scenery. Perfect. So here's where I have a problem with this. I guess I like this guy more than I thought. That's what you have to do to become a fucking Hall of Famer. Yeah.

You look at the moon and you visualize your success. How are we hating on this? No, I'm not hating. Not we, the collective we. I hope no one's hating on this. For me, now I want him to impregnate Taylor Swift. I hope they have a... I hope this guy impregnates Taylor Swift. Imagine how great the lyrics are going to be. That baby is going to be, oh my God, looking at the moon.

The lyrics are the next tweet of, I just gave a squirrel a piece of bread and it straight up smashed all of it. I had no idea they ate bread like that. Ha ha ha. Hashtag crazy. Okie dokie. Yeah, the hashtag is a little much. This guy fucking rocks. He had no idea they ate bread like that. No, you're right. You're right. The hashtag crazy is a little much, but that's a perfect tweet besides that. By the way, I think, I don't know what MTV or whatever it was. We saw Taylor Swift.

She's a big woman. She's tall. Oh, yeah. She's like 5'10", 5'11". The fact that she was dating all these little bitch-ass rock star dudes. Yeah. She's found her gene pool. Yeah. It's go time. Well, because she used to date Taylor Lautner from fucking that werewolf show. The little wolf man? The little wolf man. Yes. Twilight, bro. Twilight. You know, I was at a party once with him, and I was sizing him up. I'm like, I think I could fucking wrap him up right now. Oh, you thought you could? Oh, yeah, dude.

You thought you could. I'm going to go toe-to-toe with the lot man. I feel like we talked about this before, but he did his SNL. He hosted SNL, and he did the opening monologue, and then just resorted to doing sword play and flips and shit. And I was like, this dude's sick. Maybe I can't kick his ass. Yeah.

I'm team Edward, but let it be known. Okay. 2009, about to go get some Taco Bell. Then hit everyone up and see what's popping. Fucking marry him, Taylor. This is too good. Taylor, impregnate him. To be fair, Taylor's tweets are just her songs. She's like, shake it off. It's like the same shit.

I was actually looking forward to that Charles Barkley Taco Bell commercial. Highly upset right now. That's cool. He's emotional. Up at Olive Garden with Papa. Had to grab the fettuccine with the chicken Alfredo. Hashtag smacking.

Then he's not getting paid for that. Do you think he was getting paid for that at that time? This is from the time where A, he was young, and B, this is what Twitter was. You had knee-jerk reactions to be like, I'm lonely. I have to reach out to the universe. They have to know that I'm mad. This makes me want to dig back to our 2010...

Oh, yeah. Twitters. We got to go in the crates for that. My shit's all like, this soup was off the hook. Hashtag bowls be having soup in them. Mine's like... Hashtag bread bowl me. I think mine would be like, ate a whole bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos, my bussy hurts. So you created the word bussy? Yeah, well, it was a typo. Cool, cool. Travis Kelsey...

I hop! 12 exclamation points. I love coming here for breakfast.

I think I'll have the T-bone steak and eggs, please. Ha, ha, ha. With some white toast on the side. That's got to be an ad. That's an ad. That's got to be an ad from back in the day. This is what I'm wondering. If he was early to the ad train. And this is actually like the corruption of Twitter. This is 2010. This is 13 years ago. That doesn't mean it wasn't monetized. It doesn't mean he wasn't monetizing it. Yes, it was. How do you know? Because he was in high school? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

How old is this guy? He's like 20. I don't know. Taylor Swift age. This is Twitter. How old is Taylor Swift? I have no idea. This is Twitter high school brain. This is all new. You're tweeting everything. So I don't think he's getting paid. I just think the guy gets rock hard for IHOP. Yeah. He's like, ha ha. White bread. Hashtag crazy. But didn't you at 17?

I mean, absolutely. I just didn't have Twitter. I would have been like jizzing over some quesadillas and Taco Bell. Yeah, totally. The fact that we didn't have an outlet saved us. Just fucking diarrhea on a water slide. Hashtag crazy. Hashtag crazy. I just puked and kept walking.

Crazy. Got a bunch of creamer from my dad's work. Lit it on fire. Damn. Sliced my nuts open. Shaving that shit. Hashtag oops I did it again. That's how I know you guys are younger than me.

What? Your shit would be like... You were shaving your nuts in high school. Oh, I thought you were about to be like... Oh, by the way... My tweet would be like, damn, this Civil War sucks, bro. Hey. All right. Should we do some hot cues? The British are coming. Yeah. Let's do it. Paul Revere's tweet.

Okay, so Ben Anderson asks... Ben Anderson. Oh, by the way, hot cues are questions from you guys. Yeah, questions from you guys. We got the hot answers. Answers. Ben Anderson writes, if you could turn any... Dad? No, go ahead. If you could turn any animal... I like it. If you could turn into... Any animal out into a prostitute. If you could turn an animal inside out, would you? This is basically that. If you could turn into any animal, when you come...

Oh, nice. Ben. Do not come. What would it be? Do you know how long you're into that animal? Will you read that question? If you turn, if you read it. As you were jizzing. He's saying that as you're fucking and you're about to come, you basically are anamorphine into. But it doesn't say you're fucking. You could also be jerking off. Oh, so you're just like. If you could turn into any animal when you come. Why did we create this house we live in? Yeah.

I know. I remember I was talking to Chloe the other night, my wife Chloe, about some of these questions we get are absolutely insane. And she's like, well, you guys did this to yourselves. Yeah, we did. You guys are like 15 years into this kind of comedy. And I have an answer. It would obviously be a warthog. Oh, that's good. I see that for you. So the question is, the question is if,

When you're climaxing, you would turn into an animal. What animal would that be? Oh, I didn't even think about the sound you would make, but that's a great sound. See, because what I would do, I would jizz and then immediately come into one of those giant fucking bats. I was going to fucking say bat, dude. Giant bats, because how fucking dope would that be? That's so cool you guys have that. I'm going to come. I didn't think giant. I just thought regular bat, but I was going to say bat because I thought it would be funny if I was just like fluttering all over, coming everywhere. Yeah.

That is exactly what I was thinking, bro. Bro, sick. Man. So sick. So you guys are bats. I'm a warthog. Durs, what would you come as? Fuck. It's just cool that my mother-in-law is here tonight. Sorry about it. Oh, man. I guess, if I really thought about it, and I want it to really be a good one, guys. I guess I'd have to be

A beagle. It's science. Like kind of cute and kind of just like tiny and also like... Huge loads. Yeah. You know that answer's just for the mother-in-law. She's like, okay, respectable. Yeah, like she hasn't just sat through an hour and a half of us talking about the worst shit. Yeah. Yeah, I guess a beagle can... Just like a nice lap dog. A beagle because they're very stoic and noble. Yeah.

Yes. So Josie wants to know, Josie, what was the drunkest you've been on tour? Indianapolis. Is that when you jumped down the baseball slide? Yeah. Well, that's when you pissed in the middle of the street and almost got caught by the cops. Is that when you pissed in your suitcase? I pissed everywhere that night, brother.

He was like a bat flying around his apartment. I was marking some territory. I don't know what it was about Indianapolis, but I said. But got you going. It was that it was boring. Mine, I think, was Dallas, dude. Just a few nights ago. Or that was last week. I got sneaky drunk. And then afterwards, I was like, I don't understand how I got so drunk. And the guys were like, it's because you chugged a Red Bull vodka on stage and then torpedoed a beer also on stage. Yes. Yes.

And then later that night some girl came up to take a photo with me and I go, you dirty bitch. I'm still going to say that. She's like, I'm sorry to be that bitch, but can I have a photo? And you go, of course you can, you dirty bitch. We're all like, dude. I'm immediately like a 50-year-old trucker like, you dirty bitch. She didn't say the dirty part. You don't get to say the dirty part. I'm still going to say that.

mine was of course, what, what town was that? Uh, Denver, Denver, Denver. Yeah. When you drink a chalice of champagne, we got there early. So I hit the pool, I'm hanging out and like, I set up shop in a place where apparently it was reserved. So the guy felt really bad and he goes, Hey, can I get you some champagne for moving you? And I go, sure. He comes back with like this size of a cup of champagne. And I go, yeah, okay. Uh,

And I drink that, and then he's like, we doing another? And I'm like, yeah, for sure. He's like, hey, you dirty bitch. And then...

I showed up 20 minutes late to the lobby and was like, and I was dressed like an insane person. Because in Denver, I wore like all like... He looked super Denver, dude. Super Denver, like Gore-Tex gear. And then Ders' aunt and uncle were there. Or sorry, Blake's aunt and uncle were there. Yeah. And then later, like a few weeks later, we're like, yeah, when we met Blake's aunt and uncle. And Ders was like, I wasn't, I didn't meet them. Yeah, no. Denver? You did? Yes, you did. Yeah, you did. Not me. Kyle, would you say yours was...

Oh, when I got the drunkest I've been on the tour? Whoa, dude. Kyle doesn't drink, but he did take little binaca sprays of LSD in Seattle. Hey!

Yeah, that's true. And he also has eaten some sausage on this tour. I did have some sausage. Sorry, he's wearing the arugula hat. And Kyle, the teeth marks are still here. So Daniel wants to know, if you were a woman, would you let the homies bang? There's no doubt. There's no doubt. Dude, what kind of dumb question? Hey, that's the easiest question we've got all tour. There's no doubt, Michael.

- Yo, you can hit that shit. - No doubt. Hey, right here, my man, you can hit that shit. - Dude, we be fucking each other a lot. - Let me get that. - If we were women. - I love how you guys think we gotta be women. We definitely do not. - Definitely do not, but it would help.

Kyle's like, hey, you guys can fuck me. We're like, nah, we're cool. We're good over here. There's no way I'm letting you have this, dude. There's no fucking way I'm letting you have this. Oh, that temple? It ain't happening, dude. Esme wants to know, Kyle, what is your favorite go-to meal to cook? Aww.

My favorite go-to meal to cook right now. I don't really cook it. I just kind of put it together, but it's a fucking tuna fish sandwich, dude. Jesus Christ. Unreal. Also, Esme...

Why Kyle? He's not known for being a great chef. Because he's probably transferring from being like a meat eater and wants to go vegan. If I'm cooking and using fire to heat my food. Fire. Fire, good heat, food, make burger. Then it's the fucking eggs with cheese on top. Scrambled eggs with cheese on top. Water trash. Wait, so just, wait. But hang on, just back to the tuna sandwich.

It's not just like scraped out of... You gotta like make the tuna salad, right? I have to take the tuna and I drain the oil. I don't need the like play-by-play. Well, what do you want to know then?

Is it a tuna sandwich or is it a tuna salad sandwich? I put a little bit of spoonful of mayo in it and I do that. And like celery? Did I spin it? Are we doing celery? Are we doing... No, I'm super fucking simple, bro. Tuna, a little bit of mayo, a little bit of mustard up in that mix. Who cares? A little bit of Monica.

Toast the bread. I toast the bread. Dude, you've got to toast the bread. Yeah, I fucking toast the bread, bro. So I am using fire for that as well. My bad. What about dill? No dill? No dill? No dill. No, I don't have the time for that. Normally, I'm like really hungry. Yeah, I get it. No time for dill for sure. Okay. So Jules asks. Hey, great question. Great question. Yeah, you didn't like it, but I appreciated that. Controversial. Thanks, guys. Yeah. Jules says, what is one thing...

You are each jealous of one another for. I like how this was written like a perfectly normal sentence, but I just wouldn't write it like this because I'm a fucking idiot. And I couldn't read it. What is one thing you are each jealous of one another for? I would say, what are you each jealous of each other for?

What are you each jealous of each other for? It's a bagel. For me, it's got to be Adam's girth, Blake's length, and Kyle's... Hair. No. No, not his hair. Not necessarily that. Stamina, stamina. Disposition. Just like your overall disposition. Like the way you sit in that chair. Oh. I wish I could do that. I'm never going to do that. No. I would say for me, it's Kyle. And it's kind of changed a little bit because his eyes

aren't quite as wonky. But I like how you used to be able to see two things at once. Like something over here and something over here and you could see them. Which is tight. Blake, I would say for you, it's your ability to just morph into any situation. You could be a skater. You could be a cool rocker dude. You could be a nerd that knows about Dungeons and Dragons and cool stuff. Computers. I would love...

To have your body and your life. Okay, here we go. Here we go. I'm jealous of Durz's wit and his mustache. I did two things there because I like it. Pretty witty. Fucking chill. I'm jealous of Adam's natural performing ability. It's unlike anybody I've ever seen in my life. Okay, I'll get real for a moment. Kyle, make fun of me, though, like I did to you. It's no fun. No, I want to take a moment to be genuine, you know, because it'll make you feel bad. On stage.

Blake, jealous that you get to, you're the only one that gets to touch the board. Yes, points! Wow. So Edgar would like to, oh, sorry, Blake, go ahead. I'll say Ders' athleticism, Adam's strength, and Kyle, just you're a great cook. Points! Yes, points! Yes, points!

So Edgar would like to know, what's more important, beard hair or ball hair? Okay. I would say. Thanks, Edward. Great question, Edward. You're still Team Edward? Oh, more than ever. Team Edward. And you're saying Edward, right? Edward. I thought I heard something else for a second. Naked grandma! Beard hair or ball hair?

Beard hair. Yeah, ball hair is not important. Well, no, it's important if there's as much hair as on your beard. Why does that make it important? Just quantity makes it important? Well, because then no one will ever go down there. Oh. Yeah, okay. So I would say ball hair. Is more important than beard hair. More important than beard hair because beard hair...

Like, if it comes in patchy, that's fine. But if you... I don't... I wouldn't mind if my ball hair came in patchy. I think that that's fine. I don't understand the question. Not that it does. Also, what's your logic? That the ball hair is more important than the beard? It's just like having good beard hair? I think it's... Is that the question? I think you want to have good beard hair because more people see your beard hair than your ball hair. Hey, says you. Check out my OnlyFans.

Fair enough. Oh, shit. He found it. Fair enough. Hey, touche. Oh, Jason wants us to sing. Catherine Zeta-Jones She dips beneath lasers Whoa-oh-oh-oh She has entrapped me and Sean Connery Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh-oh Whoa-oh-oh-oh

That's not bad. Any take-backs, apologies, epic slams? I would definitely like to take back stomping around. I'd like to take back not playing pickleball today. I feel like a fucking idiot. Yeah, I agree. I can't believe I did that. I thought I needed a day to chill. Obviously, I should have played. My bad. All good, dude. Yeah, you're good. All's forgiven. Yeah. Anything over there, Blakey?

Take backs? I don't really... I feel like I was well-behaved today. You know what? I'll take... You didn't want to dance on Kyle. Yeah. What did I not do? You did not want to dance on Kyle and act as if he's a pole. Well, I can't take that back. Well, of course you can. Yeah, you can. We're letting him. Wait, when were you thinking I was a pole?

That was the bit. He was going to come and pole dance on you, and you stood up, and then that didn't happen. Oh, I thought I was dancing that whole time. I didn't even realize I was supposed to be the pole. Yeah, we were trying to get Blake to dance on you. Are people just telling me to grind on him? No, they're saying do it live. Blake, go fuck your friend Kyle. I hella didn't catch that. What's cool is Kyle's like, I mean, yeah, if you want to, we can't.

We can, I mean, like... I thought that whole thing was just me getting up and dancing. I had no idea that you guys had said, "Go be a pole." Oh. Um... Oh! Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I didn't want to do it. That was fucking wild, bro. Well, dude, it actually looked way natural. Hey, Blake. And, like, I want to apologize for how short that was. What the fuck? Dude, honestly, Ders, his dick got so hard so quick. It fucking freaked me out, dude. There's no way. His dick was like...

Bro, I dropped down and as soon as I came up, something went on my spine. I'm like, yeah, okay. Well, you backed in. You fucking backed in, dude. What do you want me to do? Dude, that's just the growth on his dick. That's not... Yeah, no. It's not a tumor.

No, bro. When you kicked me in the heart, I was like, what are you doing? I thought you were going to spin around me or something, like grab me and try and climb up, but you just straight up. He's not in a dancing move. Blake is a spinner. I'll tell you. I put it on you, bro. I think you could see my face was very surprised when you did that, okay? If anybody was filming, my face was surprised.

Yeah. There's any take back apologies? Yeah, I feel, I just feel like I shouldn't have said anything emotional to you guys tonight. And I'm going to regret that. Yeah. Do you love me? Well, I would like to take back not catching you saying I love you because that was a big moment in our relationship. And maybe I never even said it. You did. It's recorded. Check the tape. I've got it. I've got it right here. I filmed it. And I would love, I would love to say I love you guys too. I love you guys too. I love you guys. Yo, love you guys. Hey.

Love you guys. Love you. Love you. Come on, throw some shirts. We love you guys, too. We got a few epic giveaways. We got some epic giveaways. Throw some shirts. Oh, shit. We got some fucking shit to throw. Thanks for keeping it real with us. Oh, my God. That's always Portland keeps it real. Portland. All right, here comes one. I'll give you guys something over here. Ready, set. Portland.

Nice snag, bro. Nice snag. All right, we're coming in here. Thank you guys so much. We love Portland. You guys kept it as weird as we knew you would. Yo, check this out. Thank you. Thank you guys. Like I said, it's steel for president. This is our kind of politics right here, baby. Wow. Thank you so much. And this was another episode of This is important. Thank you, guys.

And I love you. So I have some big news for vegans and vegetarians everywhere. It's Hellman's plant-based mayo spread and dressing. Made for people with a plant-based diet or anyone really who wants to enjoy the great taste of Hellman's real without the eggs. Hellman's plant-based is perfect for sandwiches, salads, veggie burgers, or any of your family favorites.

To celebrate, Hellman's is sharing some easy, delicious plant-based recipes at hellmans.com. Hellman's Plant-Based Mayo Spread and Dressing. Same great taste, plant-based.

Zoa Energy is a better-for-you energy drink powered by great taste electrolytes, B and C vitamins, zero sugar, and caffeine from green tea and green coffee. You may have seen their new campaign recently. It's packing lots of BDE hay perverts. That's Big Dwayne Energy, and it features someone we may all know, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, one of its co-founders. With flavors like Tropical Punch, Frosted Grape, and a new flavor exclusive to Amazon and HEB, Green Apple, it's hard to pick a favorite. I

I am personally really digging the new green apple flavor. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yummy! Available on Amazon and at a store near you like 7-Eleven, Costco, and more. For more info, go to ZolaEnergy.com. That's Z-O-A-Energy.com. Hear that? Pumpkin!

That's fall calling. And the pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks. From that first sweater to late autumn weather, it's all a fall in just one sip. Order ahead on the Starbucks app.