294: What if you shot your girlfriend?
49:04 Share

This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services. The world is a fucking fire right now. This ain't no fucking combat shit. This ain't no gangster shit. This ain't no beef shit. This is, um, you fucked up. You fucked up. And you're going to hell. From Wondery, I'm Witt Misseldein.

You are listening to This Is Actually Happening. Episode 294. What if you shot your girlfriend?

Today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Listening on Audible helps your imagination soar. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, or expert advice, you can be inspired to new ways of thinking. And there's more to imagine when you listen. As an Audible member, you can choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. Currently, I'm listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a wonderful audio title that challenges us to imagine a new way to lead a

love, work, parent, and educate through the power of vulnerability. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500. That's audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500. This is Actually Happening is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Most of you aren't just listening right now. You're driving, cleaning, and even exercising. But what if you could be saving money by switching to Progressive? Drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average, and auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Multitask right now. Quote today at Progressive.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. National average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2022 and May 2023. Potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations. I'm from Southwest Florida, a great place, but I've moved 32 times before I was 18. My mom would run away from her problems. She always thought that going somewhere new was the answer.

But you learn very quickly. You ain't running from them. They coming with you. I came into the world accidentally. Mom got kicked out of the Navy because she had me. It was a dysfunctional family. My mom's dad was married nine times. And my mom didn't know her mom. And she thought her mom was her mom's sister. So life was very confusing. Mom's Italian. Dad's Hispanic.

We didn't have that classic Italian family where everybody get together, you know, you have your freaking ziti and have a pinot and get along. By the end of a four-hour get-together, if we're not fist-fighting, it won't write. This was the life we knew. You know, Grandpa would get drunk, you know, get to fighting with Unc, and I can't say it was a bad life because this is all we knew, you know? Me and Dad love each other now, but he was a fucking dog.

The only reason he was with my mom was because my mom's dad made him marry her when she was pregnant with me. See how you get, I was born into the eight. I don't really remember having a father that raised me. The only thing I knew about this man is he would beat me when my grades were bad and yell at me and lock me in the room and shit like that. And that was about it. That's about all I knew. You know, they did beat me at the belts. You get an F1 report card, you know, he stripped me down naked and beat me with a belt. Like, what the fuck, is that true? That just made me hate your ass.

He would like try to humiliate me and shit. Like, I don't even like to talk about this because who fucking cares? Oh, it just made me tough. When dad left, it was mom.

In the second grade, I was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD, and my mom refused to let him put me on medication, took me out of school, tried to homeschool me. She tried her damnedest to, you know, keep me in the church, and I did a really good job at fighting her tooth and nail at everything she tried to teach me that was right. But we were put in a position where we had to survive, and we took care of each other, and we looked out for each other. We were close-knit and band together.

I remember times just sitting in the room, all of us, me, mom, brother, sister, in my room, just played the piano and all that. We grew up in the good day. You get the hell out of the house and don't come back until it's dark. And then we took advantage of that and didn't come back until the next day. I thought, you know, the shiny cars and chains and all that shit was cool and I ain't never going home.

I was little, so I was always bullied. So I learned how to fight at a young age. And I got involved with, you know, being a little pain in the ass because I just wanted to be accepted, man. I would get put in trash cans and things like that throughout my middle school. I was in home economics class. And I got made fun of for baking a fucking cake. So I smacked the guy in the face with a sewing machine.

The first time I ever got in trouble, I went into a freaking Kmart with a switchblade and took some candy, some speakers, and some tech tech. Like, I look back on this stuff and I just, you know, it's kind of like that record I heard one time. I only feel right when I'm doing wrong. I did not know what racism was and shit, man, until I came to the state of Virginia in 2004, going into high school.

Like I never saw any type of racial division and I didn't know what that was. So my identity was, I grew up a dude in the struggle like everybody else. I've never had issues with people talking about my skin or whatnot. But when I moved to Virginia, I actually got spit in my face by an opposite race person and it blew my mind.

Yeah, it was just like I cried. And I guess the reason I cried was because I never felt hate just because of who you are. Down in Florida, everybody was banging, man. Latinos and Haitians and everybody thugging for life. Roll around, listen to fucking Tupac and Kid Frost and do anything, wreck any dadas. But I did not get introduced to drugs until I got introduced to the motherfucking beautiful state, the Commonwealth of Virginia.

It didn't take long. I was in Virginia for six months and I was selling fucking weed. You know, I never inhaled anything and nothing. And I linked up with a guy, just started selling drugs because it was easy money. And I enjoyed the interactions. It made me feel cool. We were selling bud throughout high school, moving around Virginia. I mean, I sell fucking shit to the teachers, man.

I would drink liquor at the bus stops and smoke weed in the elevators. You know, I was a top-notch tool. And then we dropped out of high school and, you know, we get us a house. It wasn't the nicest house, but I'm 17 going 18 years old. Got me a house.

I'm drinking, I'm carrying on, doing cocaine, smoking weed. And I had like a pound and a half and it was on consignment. You know, I broke one of the ten correct commandments, you know, and I got greedy. I did something I had never done at the time and I dealt with people I had never dealt with before. And they were bloods and, you know, and I fucked with the Crips and it was a really stupid move. And I got in their car and got robbed for all the weed on consignment.

So the guy I got the weed from, he wasn't very happy because it's a pound and a half of weed. That won't like a gram. You know, we're talking big money. So me and this man, we meet up to discuss what happened. And I bring my goon and he shows up with his little squatty and we're talking and we're in a restaurant, a public restaurant, after close at the bar, breaking every fucking law there is already.

Shit gets heated and the lights went out. I got scared and I just shot my two shots out the danger in front of me and ran. Well, I hit the guy. The bullet came two centimeters away from his spleen. This man with the bullet in him gets in his car, pushes his car up the fucking street. I run and I'm running through the fucking cemetery and I tell my man, he just scoops me. His girlfriend picks me up in the Mustang and it's a convertible Mustang and we're going to dispose of the gun in the James River.

We get pulled the fuck over. I don't know what to do. I got a bag of dog food next to me, so I throw the derringer on my lap and throw the dog food over my lap. And me and dude in the front seat start arguing as cops talk to his girlfriend to create the distraction. And then when that happened, I slipped the derringer into the mechanics of the convertible vehicle and that weapon ended up in the James River.

I learned nothing from it because I was young and dumb, but that was the first time I'd ever experienced real fear. And it's just like one of the 50,000 stories. But anyway, the man never told. Tells the police he got hit in the driveway. I couldn't see what it was. Me and my dumb ass people go to his hospital room the next day and we resolved it. And at the end of it, we shook hands because I never woke up and said, I'm going to kill somebody, man.

Even when I was trying to be hard, I love everybody, man. We decided to say, you know what, we're just going to chill for a couple of years. And I go to college. Give me a business management degree and selling dope throughout that whole thing and carrying a revolver to the college. What did you learn? Nothing. But then it slowly faded. Now I'm just smoking weed, chilling. And it takes like two years. Nothing. Just sitting around thinking about careers. What the fuck am I going to do with my life?

I'm with my girlfriend at the time, the woman who becomes my wife. I decide one day, smoking some weed with my buddies, I'm going to join the fucking army. When you die in the hood and people respect you, they make t-shirts for you. Or you get the free burial when you join the army for serving your country. Burial's $34,000. We're going to die somewhere. Let's die somewhere where it ain't costing my family money. Seriously. I'm going to die and become a t-shirt or I get the free burial.

Well, I opted in for the free burial. I think back on those thoughts, like that's pure crazy. But I would never take it back because I came into boot camp, ha, motherfucking bastard. And I'm wearing these Gucci glasses. And that drill sergeant looks at me. I'll never fucking forget it. He looks at me. He said, what you got them glasses on for? I said, literally, without even thinking, I don't know, pimping your mama. To a drill sergeant, day one.

I fucked my life entirely up for the next two weeks. I spent so much time pushing Georgia closer to Florida. It's not even ridiculous. It made me strong, made me tough, and it taught me time and place. There's a time and place for everything. You got to know when to shut up and when to speak. Boot camp was the first thing I had ever passed in my life outside of getting a little degree or whatever, but I had never followed through and completed anything. I completed boot camp.

I didn't really get the approval of my mom, but the closest thing I ever did get was she showed up to that graduation and it was states away from her. My mom don't do that. I was a good soldier. I stopped doing every bad thing I was doing. When I came in as a private, he won nothing. You know, a fucking dirt bag from the bottom. But that's where I come from and that's where I belong.

Today's episode is brought to you by Quince. It's been a busy season of events and travel, and my wardrobe has taken a beating. A total overhaul isn't in my budget, but I'm replacing some of those worn-out pieces with affordable, high-quality essentials from Quince. By partnering with Top Factories, Quince cuts out the cost to the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

I love the Italian board shorts. They're made from quick-drying material and offer UPF 50 protection for all-day wear, so I can go from hiking to lounging on the beach without a wardrobe change. And compared to other luxury brands, the prices are well within my reach.

Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com slash happening for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash happening to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash happening

Hello Prime members. Have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts like this is actually happening ad-free? It's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash

Deployed in 2011 to Al-Nasiriyah, Iraq. Did 13,000 miles as a frontline medic.

We came in, we were a great soldier. I loved being a medic. My job was to help people. And then I became a training medic, so I got to yell at people and help people. And it was great. I mean, I got Army Achievement Medals and Army Accommodation Medals. It was a whole new thing for me. I met some of the greatest people I met in my life in Iraq. Wonderful people. Just because I'm a few assholes don't mean the whole country is messed up, man. They were great people just looking for a way in this world.

And then I want to say, like, not towards the end, but towards the middle. You know, it was a fucking thousand pound daisy chain. Boom. What that means is the convoy's coming. One bomb goes off to distract the convoy and then two more in repetition, thousand meters away to hit multiple trucks at the same time. I remember the white light type shit. And then you come to...

It rocked our shit and nobody like died in it. But like we got entirely fucked up.

You know, once the fucking white light cleared, I immediately started tending to the foreign nationals that were hurt because, you know, we were giving security escorts to foreign nationals, KBR drivers and Halliburton drivers and shit like that, delivering the gear. And we were the armored trucks. So when they got hit, they got hit, bro. They were not. They had no armor. They had no guns. We were their guns.

I don't remember much, man. But I remember that fucking guy went flying up the front of the goddamn truck and broke his whole bottom half of his body. I don't know how to explain it, but I splinted the bottom half of that man's body and got him back to where he needed to go. And I pray to God that they didn't kill him. We drove out that bitch. When we made it to Kuwait, it was a good day.

Because we did all kinds of missions. But that right there, that's the scariest drive of your life. Last thing I'll say about combat. You show up with the fear of God in you. The scariest part of combat is if you survive, you leave with no fear left. I truly have accepted the fact that I know I'm going to die. And I'm not talking about in the future. I'm talking about in that moment. I knew I was going to die and it was okay. We were good. We accepted it. And we're still here. And it's like...

What do you do now when you thought you were supposed to be dead? Now what? We got our shit rocked, but we kept it going. We had like seven days down. You know, you're dizzy and you're fucked up and you see shit and you hear shit and you get the tinnitus and then we're back at it. You didn't have time to fucking cry and we did that when we got home. So the explosion itself caused a traumatic brain injury. Shit that NFL players go through.

Basically, what happens is your fucking brain moves in your head and bounces back and forth in your head when it's not supposed to do that. Dizzy, you're throwing up, can't get out of bed, things of that nature. I got a permanent shake myself, but what really messed me up was when you're coming home from your deployment, everybody just wanted to go home. We wanted to see our wives and, you know, eat some good food, and we just did what we had to do, so nobody sought help.

And the few people that did get sought help. Man, we had one guy, he didn't go home in nine months. So who the fuck's going to go tell the psychologist the truth about their deployment? This is one thing that the army sucks about. When I finally sought help, I was diagnosed with massive amounts of mental freaking problems.

on top of the traumatic brain injury. And then they put me on all this medication, like zombified me, and I hated it. Well, I got diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, mania, bipolar, and now I have tardive dyskinesia because they give me antipsychotic medications that make me fucking do involuntary muscle movements. And I dove into the bottle, man.

Started drinking a liter of rum a day. And throughout this time, I was pursuing being a musician as well as being a medic in the military and working as a security officer and being a functioning riptaster, like drunk all the fucking time, from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. When the deployment in Iraq was done, we went through a demobilization process, which is about three months after the deployment.

At the time, my girlfriend, she was at a business meeting. Boom, I surprised her at the meeting. And you have that emotional moment. And, you know, the boss is like, you go. And, like, the meeting was in a hotel. I go straight in. We were in a room. And we go upstairs. And that's when my baby was made, my oldest daughter. She's a wonderful woman, wonderful mother. I wasn't ready. And I was a terrible father.

I was pursuing being a musician at the time, so I took my Iraq money and got a car, got a house, and I built a studio. And I started abusing K2, which is synthetic marijuana, and drinking alcohol to cope with the pain or whatever excuse they wanted to use to justify it at the time. And I ended up basically living in that studio. It was in the same house, but it was separate.

I had a rap group, did lots of shows up and down the East Coast, and I was making money. I was doing shows and chasing the dream and being young. At home, I was a piece of shit. I started pawning my wife's shit and stealing the debit cards and being an asshole. And throughout all that process, have you heard me mention my daughter once? That's how I was. I was a fucking dick. And I would pose like a good father, but I was not a good father.

I was in and out of the mental hospitals. I would go into fits and I would say terrible things to people. I would do threatening mannerisms. And I came home to an empty house one day. She took me to court and, you know, she said I had violent ideations and addictive tendencies and psychologically abusive. And, you know, she reamed me through the dirt and spent good money on lawyers and stuff.

After we broke up, I stayed addicted. I got even worse. I lost the house and sold the studio and gave up on the rap shit. And I moved into a fucking hotel and fucking up in the army. And I wasn't the soldier that I knew I used to be. So Crystal was my love, the love of my life. We went to homecoming together. This is my down chick. This is her. Like we got history, man.

My ex-wife knew who this woman was, knew her name. You know, like we had gotten an argument while we were married because my password on my computer was Crystal while we were married. So I ran into Crystal at the gas station picking up some chicken, going down to the hood to pick up some weed for my man. We hit it off drinking and partying and cocaine and just loving life. She had lost custody of her first child to her mom.

I, at that time, kind of felt like I was in the version of losing my oldest child. And I mean, I basically have. So let's have a child that nobody can take from us. And my beautiful Haleah was born. And I will say, you know, I love Olivia to death. Of course, this is my oldest, my firstborn. But I cannot say that I know her as well as my youngest daughter. And my youngest daughter is my best friend in the world.

Me and Crystal were having it up. We're doing the thing and living life. We got the baby. And I told you, Crystal, like gangsta, long story short, like I got a couple of DUIs. I wrecked the car, did three months and started fucking up real good and nice.

Started not showing up to duty and you know, I was an alcoholic and carried addiction and you know one day we got into it and I just said, you know what girl I'll leave this with my ex-wife and she already know what time it was with that comment. So she fucking punched me in the goddamn face and said boom get the fuck out and within five minutes I'm on the side of the road on a cell phone calling my man and said hey come take me and I move into a literal dope house.

I didn't even know what fucking methamphetamine was. Weird-ass white dude comes over and he says, you want to try this? Fuck yeah, dude. You know, I'm miserable. I'm basically out of the army at this point. I'm just waiting on them to mail me the paperwork. I'm going to serve her at the goddamn Waffle House. Making excuses for everything because I'm lonely and I can't see my daughter. So I'm going to be a piece of shit. And then the first time I did it, I did it. Like, it was great. That's how it was dangerous. And I get it and I ain't fucking around.

Move into the trailer, sell it dope with customer service. And that's terrible because you know how many people you fucked up? They got a special place in hell for people like that. I get into the situation in that place. I piss them all off at the fucking trailer park. I grab a bag. One of my veteran buddies, you know, my boy Jeff, put me on his couch for like three months. And in that three months, I met Jessica.

We started just hanging out. We were still drinking because drinking was good. But Jessica got me off of everything else and out of the life, man. I got a job at the Bojangles Chicken Joint. And Jessica would start taking me to work and picking me up. And she became friends with Jeff. And Crystal would come over to Jeff's house with the kids and Aaliyah. And he was getting real cool. He's a great kid.

One day, I was just sitting in her car, and I looked at her son, and I said, hey, can I have permission to date your mom? And she started crying, bro. And it was a moment. It was a moment. It started to feel like something I'd never had before. You know, something real. Me and Jessica just, we got close. We got an apartment, and we did it together.

I got a job at Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. As a person who helps people figure out their problems, I love my life. I was getting money to help people. I was fulfilling good shit. I was still kind of doing music. I was pursuing acting at this point. I was doing serious casting calls and I had gotten in a movie and a TV show and working on professionalism, getting in the stock market. I was taking my meds properly and

It felt like I saw the other side of life. Like I saw the other side of the world. That gangster shit was gone. And I saw what it was like just to fucking take her easy, build a family. Life was fucking grand. So me and her talk and, hey, baby, we got the kids around. We got expensive shit around. I think we need to get firearms, you know, for protection. Due to the medication I take, I could not get said firearm.

But I could carry it. But I couldn't have it in my name, so she bought it. Responsible gun owner. Has never loaded in the house. I have over 2,500 hours of firearms training. We have it around. It becomes a fixture. You know, it's under the pillow. It's on the hip. It's everywhere we go. July 3rd, 2021. Fourth of July. I'm a veteran. America. Having a good time.

And it gets even better. We're almost to the point where she handed me down two drinks a day. The 4th of July, we were going to celebrate we were doing so good. Well, that's your first fuck up. How are you going to celebrate what you're doing good from by going back to what you were not supposed to be doing? So we're celebrating. We're enjoying ourselves. We get the kids together. We got her son and we got my daughter.

We went to Roanoke, Virginia. We went to the pool thing with the kids. We had a good old time and I was celebrating freedom. So I'm drinking and it starts to get dark. So we go down over to the Good Hype Bocce and everybody gets a nice plate of something. Now we head down to Bedford.

I'm open carrying, you know, legally. Not even thinking a thing about it because it's never been an issue. You know what I mean? Like, we never walked around like, oh, I got a gun, I'm badass. It was just a tool. A professional uses a tool for a job when the job is needed to be done. And that is legitimately how I carried my weapon. Even when I played gangster shit, we never fucked around with the weapon. We're out there and it gets dark, they shoot off the firebombs.

And I kiss her and we talk about the future and we have a celebration. We're going back to the car and kids fouling the pack. You know, her son, my daughter, he's nine at the time. She's six at the time. So we're sitting at the stop sign in the church parking lot. I'm, for lack of better words, feeling good, intoxicated. And when I looked up and I saw the traffic cop's lights, it dawned on me. Oh shit, I have my gun on my hip.

Let me go ahead and unload this and put the magazine in the gullible compartment and the weapon itself in the center dashboard and lock it so we can legally drive on the highways in the state of Virginia with a weapon. So I'm unloading the weapon. I think I'm unloading the fucking weapon. I don't drop the magazine. I pull the slide back.

The chambered round pops out. I think I dropped the magazine. And when the slide went forward, it chambered a round and the weapon fired. I didn't touch the fucking trigger. The goddamn weapon fired. It hit her. All this takes place in the blink of an eye. Immediately, I look at her. Are you okay? She looks at me. You shot me. Oh, my God.

I jumped out of that fucking car. Like my shoes were off and we were at the stop sign in church parking lot. And I ran across and I grabbed it, cut traffic, caught my arm. I looked at Dennis face and I said, I had a fucking negligent discharge. Please help me. And remember I was a medic in the army, but I fucking panicked. I wasn't prepared for that. I was intoxicated. I didn't even think about the kids. I just ran to the fucking cop because he was right there.

When I spoke to him, I spoke with him in a command voice. And, you know, I had a negligent discharge. Please help. Like, it's a military connection when you use these certain words. Because it was immediate reaction. I grabbed him and we opened the junk. And he sees her and he grabs a gun and he rags and empties it. And I get fucking slammed. You know, I'm detained immediately. Immediately. The world is a fucking fire right now.

This ain't no fucking combat shit. This ain't no gangster shit. This ain't no beef shit. This is, um, you fucked up. You fucked up. And you're going to hell. They pulled the kids to the side. I'm in the back of the police car. And I'm looking, I'm watching, and they're doing their medic stuff. And, you know, how they take the razors and they take the shirts off. And, you know, they're doing whatever they gotta do.

I'm not thinking about anything, but I'm so sorry. Are you okay? I don't know really what has happened. I just know that my firearm in my hand shot her with the children in the car, my daughter and her only son. What did I just do? I'm yelling at her, kid, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And the last thing is that the young man has ever said to me, he looked at me and he said, it's okay. I forgive you. I love you.

So everything's just a million miles a minute. So we were sitting in this fucking room, you know, the investigative room, and they're questioning me, and I'm sitting there, and they got the cameras on me, and I'm mumbling and talking to the other cop, and I know he was taking notes of every single word I said because the investigation starts as soon as the fucking incident began. But the truth sets you free, and when you ain't got nothing to hide, the story never changes.

I'm going to tell you the failures that I had. There was no muzzle safety awareness because the muzzle was pointed in her direction. So failure. I did not check the chamber and I did not check to make sure the magazine was dropped. Failure. I was using alcohol and a firearm in the same time. Failure. I had children in the vehicle while using alcohol with the firearm. Failure. My emotions are real.

But there is no need for anyone's sympathy. Cop comes out, and I can't remember his name, and I wish he did, because I would call him and thank him. He grabbed me by the hands, and he said, I'm going to pray with you. He prayed with me, and cops don't do that shit. And he said, no matter what happens, God has your back. Hours go by, hours go by.

And I think 332 was the exact time this fucking investigator comes in there. I look at him. He looks at me. And I say, is she okay? He didn't utter a sound. His face told me everything I needed to know. And he walked out the room because he knew I knew.

And I jumped up out the fucking chair and I fucking smashed my goddamn head on the wall. And like all them cops tagged me and said, don't do that shit. Don't do that shit. Boom. I'm freaking the fuck out. And, you know, them cops, they, you know, they hold you down and took me out and take me down to the fucking jail. I'm being charged with first degree murder. Goddamn homicide. My girlfriend.

Oh, shit, man. I deserved it, but I didn't mean to do it. I did not fucking do it out of malice. I fucking promise, man. Oh, my God. My head's going to explode, man. I did not find out where she was shot until they said forensics verified that it was an accident, and then they told me where she was shot. It hit her in the leg, in the fucking leg, man.

I get taken down to the jail. I get in there and they take me to the room. They know every fucking jail looks the same. They fucking suck. And you go in there. I just happened to have served with some of the COs in this jail. So immediately before I showed up, everybody knew who I was. And I have a name of respect because I honorably served. Not one of the men. Not one of the men doubted me. Man, it's just hard to believe.

Then I cried on that fucking CEO's arms. Then he fucking, he held me. And he said, I know you don't belong here, but shit happens, man. He comforted me in the lowest moment of my life. No. No.

Everything is 100% Daniel's fault. And I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can. And I don't even know how to finish this sentence because there's nothing you can do. And I'll leave it at that. The shots went off at like 10 something that evening. I got the news at 3.32 and I was in general population by 5 a.m. for breakfast.

I was fucking up, like, on some street shit. I just was in there, like, spilling my guts. You know, like, I didn't know what to do or what to say. Like, everybody watched it on the news before I came in, man. And the news didn't say nothing about nothing nice. Didn't say it was an accident. This man shot his girlfriend. She's dead.

I'm sitting in general population. I get it. We did the street shit. We hold it down or whatever, but it's like we weren't in there on those street shit. We were in there because I'm a man that killed his girlfriend. Guess what? We're the second lowest thing. You know the only thing under us? Fucking pedophiles.

My mind's racing and all that. And then that first night, I lay down. I haven't slept, and I ain't going to sleep. They ain't giving me some kind of shit to calm my nerves. I ain't throwed up in the trash cans. And I hear them talking. I knew exactly what position I was in in that moment of my life. I was the man that killed his girlfriend. These are gangsters and country boys. They were going to kill me. They said they was going to kill me. I heard them, and you know what?

I said get me the fuck out of there and put me in solitary. So I get checked into that fucking solitary. Reality hasn't hit me yet. Thought I guess I go into shock type shit. I'm in there for a little bit. They check me into a smaller pod. I go into a smaller pod. There ain't as many people. There's some older convicts and a couple crazy people. Boom, I'm in there. I get on the top bunk. I'm sitting on the top bunk and that night...

They know my whole name. They're beating on the walls. And they're going to kill me all night long. And that's all I heard was, I'm going to die. I'm reading myself my last rites. You know what I'm saying? I'm preparing for the shit. I'm going to die. It's just a matter of time, so I better just get ready, bro. Take it. Like, don't even fight. You earned it. You killed your girlfriend. Take that shit. This is what happens. You're going to get what you earned. And that's where that street shit really kicked in because it's like, yeah, okay. Boom. Boom.

I'm walking around like I got an invisible machine gun in my hands and I start crawling through the fucking pod like you were in Iraq, screaming and yelling and shit. And like, so they finally pulled me out of that pod, put me back in fucking solitary. But I ain't go easy this time. You know, and I fight, I've been fighting my whole goddamn life. And so it was on, you know, I'm gonna die. Let's go out going fucking B-Zerk.

So I start fighting fucking guards because they're trying to move me. They're beating my ass and I'm swinging back and they hit me with the mace and I'm rubbing it in my eyes and I'm just, you know, going all fucking crazy, man, now. But, like, they didn't give me, like, these pills and shit and I'm coming off of being an alcoholic so I have, like, this alcoholic delirium going on.

Then this little short lady, and she became a great friend. But I tell you what, our first day meeting was not good. She fucked my shit up entirely. I fucking, I jumped in her ass. She pulled out this thing that looked like a fire extinguisher and blasted it right in my fucking face. And it was game over for my young ass. I was done. Her shit fucked me up. They call it the fogger, bro.

They tied me to this fucking chair and that's got fucking heat coming out of the back of it. And they drag you to this room with these halogen lights on you. And the goddamn fucking guard sits outside and watches you outside the locked door while you're strapped to the chair with the heat blasts on you like you're going somewhere.

You know, for the first two hours, I'm going fucking berserk. I start screaming human rights and all kinds of shit. I'm quoting laws and I'm pretending to call people like I got a phone, even though I'm strapped to a chair wearing nothing but a fucking pair of boxers. But I'm making phone calls to politicians. And I got hit with that shit in the chair and all that. And that was it. That was the end of the road when the gangsters shit for me.

This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today.

This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. After about two hours, I remember I fucking finally get put back into solitary cell. I start fucking hallucinating.

I have visions of every single person I ever loved in my life being brutally killed because of what I did. And I'm talking, I mean, Crystal, my ex-wife, Aaliyah, my daughter, my mother, my brother. Every single thing I ever loved, I watched die.

I had a vision of my beautiful daughter in the toilet just being flushed away. And I saw Jessica being brutally taken away from me. And anyway, you could imagine over and over again. And this just went on. I don't know how long. I hear the fucking cells slamming nonstop. And my fucking PTSD starts kicking in.

I started thinking it's gunshots. So I was jumping around that cell, and when the guards came in, I would jump like a horror movie jump scare and jump under the fucking bed. And, you know, at this point, I'm on suicide watch, and I got this thing. They call it the turtle suit. You're in this thing that looks like the fucking U-Haul blanket that just Velcros around you. You ain't got no drawers. You ain't got nothing. And, like, this thing in me switched off.

And I fell to my knees and I truly accepted that I was going to die and I deserved to die. And I started asking the guards to kill me every time they came in there. And then something really overtook me. I curled up in a ball and I didn't ask God for forgiveness. I was begging Jessica, please forgive me. Please forgive me. I'm not going to say I felt like she said it was okay because nothing was okay, but I felt at peace.

And I talked to her every night, just like I talk to God. The reality set in, and I just weeped until my body failed me. And then, you know, I guess I blackout slept. I got transferred from the solitary into a Delta squad, six other people. And I had a guy in there, and he said, hey, come here. You need a sandwich, man. Shit happens. Like, he was trying to comfort me.

We talked and he said, I asked to be moved over here to be with you. We're going to be all right. Once I calmed down and I man up with these people and I apologize, you know, I'm in here for the long haul and I accepted it, but I didn't process anything. I didn't know what was going on in my head. I didn't play gang shit. I didn't fight. I went to Bible study. I ate my food. I stayed out of the way.

I used my VA pension to buy a little bit of commissary every week. You fucking do your time. You do your case. Shut the fuck up. You stay out of the way. I was charged with first degree murder. And then it got dropped down to manslaughter. And then the final disposition was I got a felony charge for involuntary manslaughter. And I got a felony charge for mishandling of a firearm. They asked me, did I want to get out?

And I said, no. And they said, well, if you don't get out at this point, you look like you're guilty. So I bailed out. And this was after nine and a half months being in there. And in the court of law, I made a statement at my sentencing. I 100%, like I said from the beginning, took responsibility for what happened.

And I got time served with the rest of the time suspended, four years of supervised probation, and four years of good behavior. I accepted that I'm going to die, and I expected everyone who hates is going to hate me. And it's a fucking terrible feeling to walk around with your face in public, and you never know who's looking at you thinking that you got away with murder. I don't know how the fuck I sleep at night, but I don't really sleep a lot. It's my kids that work my job.

I sit in my room and I talk to myself all the fucking time. Every moment I live now, I'm on borrowed time. Why am I motherfucking stupid gangbanging, don't know how to listen, fucking drug dealing, addicted to everything, motherfucking piece of shit ass still here? You know you fucked up. And I just don't understand, what did I do to deserve this? Why do I get to take a chance? And the sweetest woman that ever lived, like taken out,

by a fucking moron. I don't understand. What the fuck? You know, it's a mind fuck. I just, I don't understand. It makes you question the entirety of existence. What's right? What's wrong? What's good? What's evil? Why am I still alive? Why is life is like a freaking Rubik's cube. I do not know where I'm at with forgiveness. I struggle with the simple fact that I don't understand and I never will.

You can ask why till you're blue in the face and you'll never know. But I know it can't be wasted. Her father publicly forgave me and hugged me. He told me, "Have you ever tried to mess up again? Just know my daughter died for you." A lot of Christians have so much faith in a man that they've never seen that died for them. I'm the reason somebody died for me. Because she saved my life.

From that point on, you know, we have not touched a drop of alcohol because if we touch a drop of alcohol, we might as well just go and, you know, dig up our grave and burn it. Her father forgave me. And we still speak here and there, but I have sat down and put myself in the mindset of like, whatever it was, my child was the roles were reversed.

I mean, even if it was an accident, there is no way I could have spoken to me. And this man is encouraging me. You've got to be shitting me. The man is a saint. What do you do with that? I know that her son is going through the process, but I've not been able to speak with him. And I do understand, but I don't know what I can say to him when I finally sit down and talk to him. And if he shows up to have revenge, I'm,

I'll give him a hug when he does it. That's my death row. You know, I have goals. I'm pursuing dreams. And I'm taking my life back. The alcoholism has done the addiction and the temper and the anger and the things of all that nature. Like, I just want to make her proud. And I'm trying to smile again. Because she'd smack the shit out of me if I didn't. Because that's what made her fall in love with me.

I am with a group called My Veteran Passion that raises suicide awareness. And I go to counseling with them three times a week. I have so much love in me. I'm a good fucking man. And I never want to hurt nobody in my life. But I realize how fragile this entire thing is. And I don't know how we'll live the rest of our life, but we will live the rest of our life trying to honor her.

Today's episode featured Daniel Norwood. If you'd like to reach out to Daniel or make donations to his family, you can email at danielnorwood281 at gmail.com. That's danielnorwood, N-O-R-W-O-O-D 281 at gmail.com.

Daniel's story came to us by way of Todd Rennebaum. Daniel was originally featured on Todd's podcast, Bunny Hugs and Mental Health, which focuses on conversations with survivors, professionals, and families of those who have lost someone to mental illness and addictions. So please check out Bunny Hugs and Mental Health. And a special thanks to Todd for referring today's guest. ♪

From Wondery, you're listening to This Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or on the Wondery app to listen ad-free and get access to the entire back catalog. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our show for free. I'm your host, Witt Misseldein.

Today's episode was co-produced by me, Jason Blaylock, and Andrew Waits, with special thanks to the This Is Actually Happening team, including Ellen Westberg. The intro music features the song Illabi by Tipper. You can join the community on the This Is Actually Happening discussion group on Facebook, or follow us on Instagram at ActuallyHappening.

On the show's website, thisisactuallyhappening.com, you can find out more about the podcast, contact us with any questions, submit your own story, or visit the store, where you can find This Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, t-shirts, wall art, hoodies, and more. That's thisisactuallyhappening.com.

And finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to patreon.com slash happening. Even $2 to $5 a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening. Wondering.

If you like This Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

Hey, it's Guy Raz here, host of How I Built This, a podcast that gives you a front row seat to how some of the best known companies in the world were built.

In a new weekly series we've launched called Advice Line, I'm joined by some legendary founders and together we talk to entrepreneurs in every industry to help tackle their roadblocks in real time. Everybody buys on feeling, Guy, like everybody. So if you don't give them the feeling that they're looking for, they're not going to buy. A lot of times founders will go outside of themselves to build a story. And

and you can't replicate heart. You know, I think we all have a little bit of imposter syndrome, which isn't the worst thing in the world because it doesn't allow you to get overconfident and think that you're invincible. Check out the advice line by following How I Built This on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to How I Built This early and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.