210: What if you didn't know where they were taking you?
56:13 Share

This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services. Before we begin today's episode, I need to address something that happened last week. On the show's Instagram page, people often share their feedback, which is generally supportive and well-intentioned. But like anywhere else on social media, this kind of forum also invites trolls, bullies, and straight-up false and misinformed comments. This is expected.

But some of the comments that came through on last week's episode were deeply upsetting, for both me and for this storyteller, and have caused me to rethink what kind of spaces I want to participate in, and more importantly, what kind of responsibility I have in co-creating these online spaces.

Some of the comments were just standard disagreement, skepticism, and negative opinions, which are all welcome. But other comments were just completely unfounded, vicious attacks, with wild speculation or terrible armchair medical advice from people with no expertise. But the final straw for me was when a listener hunted down and found the storyteller online, and then outed her on social media, even though the storyteller expressly requested to remain anonymous, as I had made clear in the episode.

All content creators struggle with how to handle hateful intentions online. How do we provide a space for dialogue without fostering a platform for bullying and unchecked quote-unquote outrage? But here's the reality of what happens. Someone makes a post that contains either speculation, misinterpretation, or outright false information, or in this case, dangerous information, like outing an anonymous storyteller. From this post, several others feel licensed to also attack or chime in on whether the whole episode is true at all.

which I can assure you it is. By the time me or another team member sees what's happening, there isn't time to counter or correct the thread. The comments get amplified, and the damage is already done. It's honestly an illuminating process to witness, but it's an experiment in the degradation of civil discourse that I'm no longer interested in running.

This has led me to the decision to shut off comments on all episode posts on Instagram. However, we will be maintaining the show's Facebook group page, where we can more easily moderate what happens and maintain a more civil group of listeners who can foster actual, insightful, relevant discussion and commentary.

Over the last nine years, you can imagine the wild range of comments I've received. Sometimes I push back and disagree. Sometimes people have changed my mind. Sometimes I engage, and sometimes I completely ignore it. But what actually disappoints me the most is when people show up with laziness.

Unfounded outrage is easy. Wild speculation and projecting your fears onto others is easy. Bullying is easy. Filtering out this kind of behavior on my own page is not censorship. You can find any number of channels for feedback, outrage, and hateful bullying about the show if you'd like. But I'm not going to officially sponsor it on a channel that I've created. And what I realized this past week is that if I continue to host a channel that acts as a vehicle for it, then I'm part of the problem.

Out of all of this, I want to offer you all an invitation. Years ago, a brilliant meditation teacher of mine, Matthew Brensilver, said something I'll never forget. He said, You don't have to like everyone. You just have to love them.

What if instead of taking the easy route, we collectively decided to do the much harder thing? To show up with love instead of laziness. This is my challenge to all of us today. Can we show up with love for people just for being human, with all the imperfections that come with it? Within this, there is an even deeper challenge. Can we show up for people not despite their imperfections, but because of them?

Every episode of this show features someone who has been pushed beyond the limits of their capabilities, beyond their ability to make sense of the world, beyond what their lives have prepared them to handle. This show is an exercise in finding out what lies at the heart of human frailty and vulnerability, what happens when we're cast into the unknown and how we find our way out. The people on this show are not perfect. You don't have to like how they reacted or what decisions they made.

You don't have to like them at all. And you're welcome to share your thoughts, disagree with each other, tell me what you don't like about the show, and bring your skepticism. But the question is, can we do so with love? Can we show up with love for them because they're human, and because they're willing to share with us what it's like to be wounded, imperfect, and unfinished? Just as wounded, imperfect, and unfinished as you are, and as I am.

My goal here is not to create silences, but to allow our better nature to shine and to create tiny corners of the world where this kind of love is possible. Thank you for listening. I just kept praying and praying that I would be saved somehow. You know, I kept thinking like there's no way that God is going to let this happen to me. Like what could I have done in my life to deserve what's going on right now? From Wondery, I'm Witt Misseldein. You're listening to This Is Actually Happening.

Episode 210. What if you didn't know where they were taking you?

Today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Listening on Audible helps your imagination soar. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, or expert advice, you can be inspired to new ways of thinking. And there's more to imagine when you listen. As an Audible member, you can choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. Currently, I'm listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a wonderful audio title that challenges us to imagine a new way to lead, love,

work, parent, and educate through the power of vulnerability. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500. That's audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500.

This Is Actually Happening is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. What if comparing car insurance rates was as easy as putting on your favorite podcast? With Progressive, it is. Just visit the Progressive website to quote with all the coverages you want. You'll see Progressive's direct rate. Then their tool will provide options from other companies so you can compare. All you need to do is choose the rate and coverage you like.

Quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Hello, Prime members. Have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts like this is actually happening ad-free? It's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership.

To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads. Check out our recently completed six-part series, The 82% Modern Stories of Love and Family, ad-free with your Prime membership. I grew up pretty much like the spoiled child.

Since I was the youngest and the only girl with my parents, my two older brothers, I feel like I grew up really naive. I don't think I really understood the dangers of the world or like the bad that might be out there. I was kind of sheltered, I would say. Everything is like rainbows and sunshines. Like I was really into like Disney, pop stars. And I had a pretty happy childhood.

So I was born and raised in California. We were pretty much a middle class family. Both of my parents work pretty hard. Both of my parents were born and raised in India and migrated here around the same time, I think like in the 70s. My parents are both religious and they're both Sikhs, Sikhism. I also did attend Punjabi school, which is a Sunday school for all Sikhs.

Sikhism is actually a really peaceful religion. The main idea is to live a life where you're helping others, you focus on your own peace and journey.

There's a belief that you shouldn't cut your hair or, you know, anything that requires you to alter yourself, like getting tattoos or cutting your hair or dying your hair, things like that. We're off limits to kind of stay how God created you. You know, God created you this way for a reason. So the idea is just to kind of, you know, stay true to that.

But I was curious about all of those things because I saw the kids around me were doing all of those things or were interested in those things. And I wasn't able to do them. Other kids would make fun of me, like if I was wearing shorts and they saw the hair on my legs or like I didn't do my eyebrows like the other girls around me. And I just wanted to fit in. And I did want to attract the opposite sex. And with having all that extra hair, that wasn't really helping me.

I was grown up to believe that we're not supposed to date or really talk to the opposite sex until I'm old enough to think about marriage. And the belief is that once you're older, you get to know someone to get married to and preferably someone in our own religion.

So I never really knew how relationships worked or really thought too much about it, even though I was curious. But because I was made to believe that I shouldn't have sex until I'm married or really even talk to people of the opposite sex, it did make me curious. But it was always in the back of my mind that it was wrong.

I was pretty angry growing up. So I did have to get to a point when I was a teenager where I did just have to kind of do it without their permission. I did cut my hair without their permission. I did shave without telling them. And, you know, they weren't too happy about it. But eventually they just they did kind of deal with it. So I started dating my first real boyfriend at the age of 19, which was in 2009.

We were dating for a few years and everything was going pretty well. And I did make the conscious decision to have sex with my boyfriend after a few months of dating, even though I had planned to not have sex until marriage, but that obviously didn't stick. None of the things that I grew up learning from my religion really stuck. So we had a pretty good relationship.

When I first kissed a guy when I was a teenager or when I lost my virginity to my first real boyfriend, I did feel a lot of guilt afterwards. It felt like I was doing something really wrong and it felt like I was betraying my parents, especially after I had sex for the first time. I actually even cried that night because I felt so guilty.

So it was really hard for me to, you know, accept that I made that decision and to kind of forgive myself for doing that. Because I just kept thinking about, you know, what would my parents think of me? They would be so disappointed in me. And they never found out about that. I never told them.

But generally in front of them, they were pretty proud of me. I finished high school with decent grades. I got into college right away and was also working part time. So they didn't really have any reason to not be proud of me.

When I was 21, it was an exciting year. I was going to community college and I was going to be transferring to a university that next year. So I was excited about that. And I was working at a beauty store that I really enjoyed working at.

I went on a trip with my cousin and their boyfriends. It was just like a trip to San Francisco. We had a really good day and a really good time. And it was kind of like a celebration of her birthday that was coming up soon. So everything was going pretty well. And the relationship was also going really well at that time.

I remember, I think it was like my second day at the university. So, you know, I was still getting used to my new routine. I spent like about four or five hours at school with classes and having breaks in between. I would work kind of like the evening shifts at work. It was a beauty store. And I was supposed to work a four-hour shift, but it ended up being a three-hour shift. So I got off work a little bit earlier than I usually would have that night.

Usually when I would get off work, which would usually be at night, I would call my boyfriend on my drive back home. But for some reason that night, I just felt like listening to music. I didn't feel like talking on the phone.

I remember feeling pretty good, pretty peaceful, and I had a really productive day. And then I had gotten home. And sometimes when you get home and you're just kind of listening to a song you really like and you kind of linger in the car, that's kind of what was going on. I was in a good mood. I was finishing my song, kind of getting my things together. I look in the rearview mirror, and then I see kind of like a black figure,

And then all of a sudden, my back door of my car opens. Immediately, I was thinking, oh, it's my brother. He's taking a walk and he's just, you know, messing with me. But this person is just sitting in the back of my car. And I quickly realized this is some stranger. Everything happened so fast for my brain to really process what was going on. So I didn't feel scared right away.

I just remember feeling really abnormal because I think my body was just going through like a rush of emotions and shock that I didn't really, I can't even really remember how I was feeling. My immediate reaction was to scream and open the door. And right as I do that, I feel a gun to my head on the right side of my head. All I remember when I felt that gun was just a desperation to survive.

You know, I'm going to let this person have, you know, anything he wants. You know, maybe he wants to steal my money, my car, even my phone. You know, I was ready to just let him steal my car with everything in it as long as he let me go. But in that moment, I was just really confused as to what he wanted. And I was just going through a lot of shock, feeling like, you know, am I going to die right now?

As they put the gun to my head, they said something along the lines of, you know, shut up or I'll shoot. So I stopped screaming. They told me to start driving. You know, they kept the gun to my head. And I, you know, again, in survival mode, I just kept thinking, okay, I'm just going to, you know, let them have whatever they need. As long as I do what they say, maybe they'll let me go. So I started to, you know, reverse my car from my driveway and I started to just drive off.

Their whole face was covered with the mask. I couldn't even see their eyes. So they were, you know, pretty blacked out. And just so many scenarios kept running through my head. Like, what could this be? What do they want from me? Why? Why me? You know, is this like a gang member? Does he need my car? Like, but why am I in it? You know, are they just gonna have me park it somewhere and then they're gonna steal it? Like, there were just so many things going through my head.

At the same time, I was trying to think of ways how I can escape the situation and how I can yell for help at the same time. And then I just kept looking for other cars so that someone would see us. But it was dark and there wasn't really anyone driving by. So the only thing he was really saying to me was telling me where to turn. And then he did say a couple of times, if you cooperate, you won't get hurt.

He repeated this a few different times. And that's actually a saying that stayed with me for years afterwards. You know, like the word cooperate has like became a trigger word.

He has me park my car in an area where it's not, you know, too many people would drive or walk by. And then he was, you know, telling me to take off my seatbelt. And as he was doing that, you know, there was a car that drove by, but I was too scared to scream for help or run out because I was scared he would still shoot me. So I just didn't do anything. And then the car just drove by.

He makes me come to the back seat of my car. He also got out zip ties and tied my hands together. He puts a blindfold on me and he also got out some duct tape to cover my mouth so I don't scream. And then he also covered my eyes and I didn't see him at all. When he was talking, I didn't recognize his voice at all. I had no idea who it was. And then afterwards, he sat in the driver's seat.

So at this point, I'm blindfolded. There's duct tape on my mouth. My hands are together in zip ties. So I'm basically helpless in the back while he's sitting in the driver's seat. And I was able to sort of peek through the eyes like a little bit so I could kind of see. But of course, I was acting like I couldn't see at all. So I tried to kind of use that to my advantage to kind of see where he was going to drive me.

But while he was starting to drive off, I think he kind of noticed that I could see. So he made sure that my eyes were covered. I reached a point where I started to kind of feel numb. And, you know, since I was so helpless, there was not really any way to get out of that situation.

I just kind of remember feeling really numb and that I couldn't even cry or anything. My body was still in survival mode and just, I think, probably trying to make me feel numb so I don't overwhelm myself with emotions in that moment. All I could think about is what does he want from me? Why is he kidnapping me? Because if he wanted to steal my car or my money, he would have done that by now and he could have just let me go.

You know, at this point, he's driving my car. I have zero clue where he's going. He's driving for a while and it's quiet. He's not saying anything. There's no music. There's nothing. And then I hear the car stop, two doors open and somebody sits next to me in the back. And then another person is in the front and they start driving.

All of a sudden, the person who's sitting next to me, he takes off the duct tape from my mouth and he forces me to drink something. I didn't even know what it was. Like it almost tasted like a medicine and alcohol mixed. So he starts forcing me to drink this. So whatever I'm drinking, you know, again, he repeats, if you cooperate, you're not going to get hurt.

So I know that the person that originally kidnapped me is the one that's in the backseat with me because I recognize the voice. And he's the one forcing me to drink this. During that time of my life, I would say I was pretty naive person. But I was just really confused and I couldn't figure out what they wanted with me. I started feeling really weird. It started making me actually feel like good, which is really weird to say.

You're being kidnapped. You have no idea who they are. You don't know where you're going. And all of a sudden, whatever drug or alcohol they're giving you starts making you feel kind of good at the same time. I mean, I know I wasn't really happy or feeling good. It's just a really, really confusing feeling in that moment.

At that point, it felt like I was kind of trying to talk to God and kind of beg in a way. And I was just filled with a lot of confusion because I just couldn't figure out why this was happening to me. I just kept praying and praying that I would be saved somehow. You know, I kept thinking like, there's no way that God is going to let this happen to me. Like, what could I have done in my life to deserve what's going on right now?

I really started to feel angry. If I don't get saved from this, is God even real? I started to question if God's even real at this point. And all while trying to also figure out where can this person be driving for so long. The car finally did stop and I almost wanted it to not stop because at least when they're driving, nothing was really happening.

But when it stopped, you know, they both got out of the car and one of them, right as I stepped outside, picked me up and started walking. And I had no idea where I would be, where someone wouldn't see me, you know, with duct tape on me and tied up. So I kept wondering, like, where am I, where they're just openly walking outside, holding me and walking somewhere.

The one thing that I had guilt about was not really struggling because in my mind, I kept thinking, you know, as long as you cooperate, you're not going to get hurt. And, you know, that just echoed in my mind, listening to what they wanted and not really struggling or trying to fight them. I hear a door opening and he puts me down, whoever was holding me. Right as I go inside, wherever we are, I start walking upstairs and they were kind of guiding me, you know, which way to walk.

Then we get upstairs and they kind of put me on a bed. And then I just hear them walking away. And I'm just sitting there on the bed. I think I finally put it together in my naive mind that these people kidnapped me so that they can rape me. You know, that was the first time it occurred to me.

I don't think I realized how traumatic something like that could be. But in that moment, I remember thinking, okay, so they want to rape me. Okay, I guess I'll just let them rape me and then they'll just let me go. And that's, again, survival mode. I feel like I was still pretty numb in that moment. And as long as I stay blindfolded and I don't see who they are, there's no reason that they won't let me go. So as long as I make sure I don't see them...

you know they can't hurt me I was starting to dissociate myself from that moment and from my body and just kind of doing what I had to do and then I'll deal with it later I definitely didn't feel like I was in my body at all in that moment I would say I was left alone for about a minute or two and then somebody walks in and starts to take my clothes off at this time I was also on my period

And I told this person that I'm thinking, okay, maybe this will make them back off. And I told this person, you know, if you're doing what I think you're trying to do, I am on my period. And as soon as I said that, this person stopped and then walked away. And then I don't know what was going on, but I can hear murmuring going on, but not really, I didn't really hear any words. But then a few moments later, the person still came back and he just started to rape me right then and there.

I don't remember feeling sad or angry or just any emotion. All I remember was that numb feeling and survival mode feeling. So after this first guy finishes, I'm just laying there like a rag doll. And then I hear the second guy come in. And what's really weird is that when he comes in, he has some type of device where his voice changed.

It sounded kind of like a robotic voice. So I could tell this person was trying to disguise who they are. And the second guy, the weird thing about the second guy is it's like he wanted me to enjoy it. So, you know, with the way he was disguising his voice, he would say,

or do you like this? It was an intimate moment for him, whereas with this first guy, it was just kind of get it done, get out. But with him, it felt like he was trying to be more passionate about it. And it was just really, really bizarre for me. This whole thing lasted hours because I thought it would end after they both did what they had to do, but they just kept taking turns for hours.

During this whole time, I still don't remember feeling sad or anything. I did feel scared because the more I kept wondering, like those stories you hear about getting kidnapped and they just keep the person in a room for like months or whatever. But I still just kept cooperating because the only hope I had in that moment was what he told me. Like as long as I did what they wanted, that I would be let go at the end.

After finally, you know, what felt like hours, which it was hours, the first guy told me, you know, okay, we're going to let you go. I just remember feeling, you know, some relief, but I didn't even feel excited when he said that, but I felt some relief. I didn't really know what to believe or, you know, if he was even really being honest. I just didn't know what was going to happen next because this night felt like forever.

They walked me downstairs. And again, you know, I was on my period and I didn't have any type of like afterwards that I have any like tampon pad or anything. I just was walking, you know, with my clothes on, not even my underwear. I just walked out like that and they walked me downstairs and then back into the car.

During this whole time I was blindfolded, I did not see a thing. So I had no clue where we were. I had no clue what this apartment or house looked like at all. I didn't see them at all. We're back in the car and I'm in the backseat again with the same guy as before.

Even while we're driving, even then he continued to assault me. And he still forced me to drink some more of the alcohol or drugs or whatever it was, even after all those hours. I was definitely, towards the end, feeling loopy. I think that did have a lot to do with my mood of feeling so dissociated. It was just kind of a big blur. I remember I definitely wasn't feeling sober or myself. The car finally stopped.

I heard the person in the front seat get out of the car. And the person who's in the back with me, he starts to take off the duct tape from my mouth. He also takes off what was covering my eyes. And he did also show me where my phone was. So he told me that my phone was in the cup holder and I can find my own way home. As he's about to take off my zip ties, he tells me, you know, if you tell anyone about this,

you know, you are going to get hurt. And then he just quickly like cuts off my zip ties and walks out of my car. His face was still covered, but I saw him just walking across the street and just walking off. And my instinct was to just drive and run him over. But I just, I, I just couldn't process anything in that moment. It just happened quickly.

Today's episode is brought to you by Quince. It's been a busy season of events and travel, and my wardrobe has taken a beating. A total overhaul isn't in my budget, but I'm replacing some of those worn-out pieces with affordable, high-quality essentials from Quince. By partnering with Top Factories, Quince cuts out the cost to the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

I love the Italian board shorts. They're made from quick-drying material and offer UPF 50 protection for all-day wear, so I can go from hiking to lounging on the beach without a wardrobe change. And compared to other luxury brands, the prices are well within my reach.

Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com slash happening for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash happening to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash happening

This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24/7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. Right away, I just start breaking down and crying like crazy. It was just uncontrollable. Then I grabbed my phone and the first instinct I had was to call my boyfriend.

And he actually answered. And I think it was maybe two or three in the morning at this point. I call him and he answered because he I guess he was worried about me because he didn't hear from me. And I just I mean, I couldn't really talk, but I just I told him that I got kidnapped. And right away, also, like while I was talking to him, I started driving off, too, so that they don't come back.

But I couldn't even tell him what happened. I just kept crying and crying. And I was just driving, and I didn't even know where I was going. I was just out of control in that moment.

feeling all kinds of emotions. Like I felt obviously like scared. I felt, I felt so used and I felt like really worthless and just, yeah, it was a really weird feeling. I had never felt my whole entire life. I, it was just so much. My body was trying to process at once all also while trying to drive off and find my health and

So I start just driving and I start to recognize the neighborhood. And I start realizing where I am, which was just a few minutes from my house where they dropped me off. I get home. Before I run in, my boyfriend does tell me that he's calling the police. But I told him not to because, you know, I told them that they threatened me, that, you know, that they're going to hurt me. But the police were still called.

That's when I get home and I just, I run straight to my parents' bedroom and I wake them up and I fall on the floor and I start just crying. And then they see like the duct tape that's in my hair and I was just, I was a mess. My brother and his wife were also living there. They also woke up and my sister-in-law also called the cops as well.

I felt really weird because the relationship I have with my parents, as I've described, you know, we're not really close, like not in an emotional way. So for them to see me like cry like that and break down like that in that weak moment was really a vulnerable moment for me. But obviously in that moment, I didn't care because I just I needed them and I needed people who loved me.

The police show up at my house and I basically had to just retell them the story. But it was really weird because I didn't want my parents to know exactly what happened, even if maybe they assumed it may have happened. But I did take the police to the site to tell them the story of what happened to me that night. All my parents really knew was that I got kidnapped.

And if they did, you know, the way our culture is, they're not going to really say it to me. And I never really said it to them. And I told the police officers that as well, which they did respect. I go with the police officer in my car and, you know, show them where I was in the back and tell them where they took me. Because I do know where the first person took me the first time, where I drove off.

Afterwards, they told me that I have to go and get a rape kit to try to see if they can find out who these people were. One of the officers gave me a ride to that place where you get the sexual assault exam.

You know, there was a support person there. She was really nice. Like she had like a teddy bear and, you know, was offering me like water and things like that. But, you know, I was told I couldn't shower or do anything because they had to examine my body. So that really sucked. Like I really just wanted so badly to shower. It was also re-traumatizing because they had to examine like different parts of my body.

Then I had to go to speak to a detective and tell them all the details, like every detail I could remember since it happened fresh. So basically, I was up that whole night until seven or eight in the morning. And then I finally was able to go home and shower and go to sleep.

I mean, I didn't really get sleep. And then obviously that next day, like I didn't go to work or I didn't go to school. So I just for about a week, I just spent kind of in my bed and I didn't really go anywhere. I definitely felt really isolated. I had moments where I would just break down. And then there were moments I would just feel numb and like nothingness. And it just felt like nothing mattered anymore.

You know, I went from this naive little girl to like experiencing something really dark out of nowhere. So it was really, really hard for me to process what had happened to me. And during that period, I got to a point where I actually stopped believing in God.

I started to believe that, you know, if something that bad could happen to me, especially when I don't feel like I was a bad person, that, you know, there can't be a God. And all of a sudden, it just gets shattered. The God would never let something like that happen to me. I just felt really lost. People were trying to support me. I had a lot of great support, like my family, my boyfriend, everything.

But I didn't really want to tell people what happened. So, you know, none of my friends even knew what had happened to me besides like one cousin that I'm close to. But all the people that knew were, you know, really trying to reach out and be supportive.

And it helped, but that feeling of feeling so insignificant and worthless because, you know, that night, like when my body was just kind of there being used and then just thrown away, I felt really worthless. And it was hard to build myself back up. Even the support helped, but it still wasn't enough for me to, you know, feel normal again.

Being someone that's been so sheltered and never really thinking about things like rape or murder, because most people just assume that kind of thing is never going to happen to them. And that's who I was. For something like that to just happen to me out of nowhere was also another shock that I had to kind of deal with. And it just made me feel like my whole life, I was just so naive as to what's really out there in this world.

It was really lonely and no one around me knowing what it felt like. And it was just a really isolating experience. And I just felt so alone.

But during that week when I was isolated, I did start to do some research on Google and other people. I read about so many stories and how often this kind of thing happens. And it was scary to read about it. But at the same time, it made me feel a little less alone. It made me feel like I'm not the only person that has experienced this. And I can't get through this. And my school is still going on. Work is still there. I can't

I can't just stay here forever. At some point, I have to just keep moving forward. I'm sure I could have used more time, but my mindset was, you know, how much more am I going to let this control my life? And I figured, you know, let me now try to focus on what I have control over and trying to live normal as I could.

I remember when I went back to school, just walking around being really paranoid and on edge and then looking around and wondering like, is it somebody that goes to my school? Like every man I would look at, I would wonder like, is it this person? Is it that person? And I remember I did start to, after that initial week, start to obsess over who could it be? Is it someone I know? Trying to kind of piece it together.

I did start to have nightmares, a repetition of that night, but in different types of scenarios. Like in my nightmares, I would see the house and I would see the figures, but I just couldn't see their faces. I had to keep rethinking about the situation when all I wanted to do was forget about it.

I started to get triggered a lot, just like if there was a loud sound, always watching my back, always looking around to see if anyone's following me, not really trusting people around me anymore. I went through a phase of just hating men and thinking that they all have bad intentions. It was really weird because everyone really did become a suspect at that point.

That's nothing like I've ever experienced. I've always, I feel like I've had trust in people that most people are good. So to kind of just shift from being careless to just someone who's just on edge all the time and, you know, always questioning everyone's motive, it just made me go into a really like a dark place. For about eight months, I had no clue who it was.

But I would have regular contact with the detectives that were working on my case.

And, you know, they were trying really hard. They got information from my phone, my laptop and anyone that I've ever spoken to and just kind of trying to piece it together to figure it out. And the fact that this person had to disguise their voice, the way they wanted me to enjoy it, they did have a feeling it's maybe someone that I knew based on what I told them. Those two people were out there and I had no clue who they were.

So during this time, my boyfriend was really supportive. I could tell he was really hurt too, but he didn't really express it too much because he knew that I was already going through so much. But I also appreciated that he was respectful because at that point, I didn't even want to have sex anymore. Like that was the last thing on my mind. He was supportive with that and he was supportive of kind of being there for me.

But I did start going to counseling that year as well to kind of help with some of the symptoms. I just felt so ashamed for a really long time. So it just felt like I was hiding this really big part of me and my life from people closest to me. And it really sucked.

This season, Instacart has your back-to-school. As in, they've got your back-to-school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back-to-school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. One day something really crazy happened where a friend of mine at the time told me a story of this guy that we both know that was dating my cousin.

She said that he wanted to meet up with her and she did meet up with him. When they met up, like he just kind of, you know, blindfolded her and then like she passed out. She said she blacked out and then she woke up and was in bed with him. And when she told me that story, it just clicked.

This guy, I've been to his house before because of my cousin dating him. We all have hung out there before. And I remember when you first open the door, there's a staircase right away. And he lives 30, 40 minutes away. The next day, I call the detective working on my case, and I tell her the story. She takes that information, and she's like, are you able to come in?

So I, you know, I go in and the detective pulls out a photo of my cousin's boyfriend. And I was just thinking it's because, you know, I mentioned him. And then they tell me it's confirmed that it was his DNA that was on your body. And that moment, I was just in a complete shock. So then afterwards, I find out the second guy was his cousin. His cousin, I didn't know him.

So I've met him a few different times because he was dating my cousin for a while. But I do remember I always did get kind of weird vibes from him. Like one time we all went to an amusement park together. And when my cousin went to the bathroom, he like picked me up and was like playing around, like stuff you don't do with your girlfriends, friends or cousins. There was also another time that they were broken up or they were on a break where he reached out to me. But I never thought too much about it.

For the most part, he was fine. I never felt scared or I never felt like he was capable of doing anything like this. Trying to piece it together, what evidence could I have had that he was going to do something like this? He generally seemed like a nice guy. Who do I really know in my life? Because this is someone I knew and I would have never in a million years thought he would do something like this. And then it kind of just, I went straight back to not trusting anyone again.

My cousin finds out what happened. My boyfriend finds out. He was really angry because he also knew the guy. My cousin, she was just really, really confused what happened. And I could tell she started to feel guilty because she told me, if it wasn't for me, he would have never met you and things like that. But I mean, we had a good talk about it and we knew that it wasn't either of each other's fault. But it just made me just really confused. And I still kept wondering, why me?

That night, he actually took pictures, which I had no idea because I was blindfolded. And those pictures were on his laptop. You know, the detectives were giving me a little bit more information, but they still didn't tell me everything because, you know, I was going to have to end up going on trial. But based on what they found, I was the only victim. So after I find all this out, this definitely, you know, alters my life.

I don't know if it was because of all the information or what a tough year I had. But then I remember getting the flu right away and being bedridden with the flu for a week. And at that same time, my boyfriend also relapsed. So I wasn't hearing from him. So I remember for a couple of weeks, I was doing really bad because I didn't have that support from my boyfriend. I was really sick. I

I had just found out who had raped me. So I was just going through so many different emotions. I was feeling really depressed during that whole rest of that year. I continued my counseling. I really wanted to start learning more about sexual assault and just things that women go through. And I started to kind of take classes at my university about violence against women and

It made me want to help prevent this kind of thing from happening to others. So it definitely motivated me to change my whole career afterwards. So the next three years, I kept in contact with the detectives. They would always keep me updated about when this would go on trial and just updating me on things and just also checking in on me. They were really supportive.

During that time, I would have random moments where I would think about what happened to me and kind of break down.

There were times where I felt completely normal and fine, like I was past it. And then, you know, sometimes there were triggers, like the trigger word, like even the word rape or just hearing similar stories. Even walking past that area where I had to park when they first kidnapped me. I've been around that area and that triggered me. So there were just a lot of triggers that reminded me of what happened that would kind of cause me to relive that night.

But then there were also other times where I would completely live my life normally and I was doing pretty well in like school and relationships. So I tried to just kind of anytime I would have a trigger, just kind of confront it and let myself feel what I was feeling.

My counselor really helped me in talking openly about it. And she really, more than anything, helped me to stop blaming myself. Because for a while, there was that guilt as well, where I kept thinking I could have done something to prevent it. Maybe I should have struggled. Maybe I should have tried harder and tried to run away somehow.

But she kind of, you know, validated my experience and told me you did what you had to do to survive. And that's why you're still here. So it took me a while to accept that and to not blame myself for what happened. But counseling really helped me. And it helped me to really just confront my emotions instead of just running away from it.

So before the trial comes up, the detectives did tell me that I would be Jane Doe so that people wouldn't know my name. So I was still at a point where I didn't have to tell people in my life what happened. My parents were not there during the trial. I didn't really want anyone to be there. The only person that was there was my sister-in-law. So my parents definitely, I know they know what happened. I still never really sat down and talked to them about it.

But I know that they know and, you know, I know that they don't have any negative feelings towards me about it because it obviously wasn't my fault. So it was really nerve wracking to go in there and, you know, tell a bunch of strangers about the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. You know, I kind of had to, again, three years later, start reliving everything that happened.

When I first started talking, you know, I did break down initially. You know, I was like, how am I going to get through this? And at the same time, both of those guys were there in court, just right in front of me. So it was really re-traumatizing again. So they both pleaded not guilty. They tried to say that it was consensual, that I had been talking to both of them and that I had agreed to meet with them that night.

Of course, their lawyer did question me on certain things and asking me, oh, why didn't you run away and things like that, which was really, really difficult because it took me a really long time to even stop blaming myself. So I was definitely getting angry at the lawyers, but I also understood that that's their job.

My detectives did tell me that it was almost like a slam dunk case that I would win. But of course, there was still that doubt in me like, you know, what if they do end up winning and they get to walk free? So the trial lasted, I think it was like a week and a half. And the verdict was definitely that they were guilty.

They got charged with kidnapping and then all the counts because, you know, they did both rape me multiple times. So each time that they raped me was a count against them. For all the counts against them, they had to serve, I think it was over 400 years in prison. And, you know, their families were there and everything. But, you know, I didn't feel bad about it at all. I was actually relieved when I found out that they were finally going to get charged.

That finally felt like I was getting some sort of justice because I know that most people don't get any type of justice in this kind of scenario. So I felt really, really good about that. I was also able to go back after the trial and read my victim statement and how this whole thing had affected me. That was really powerful for me because they were in the same room while I was reading my victim statement.

I worked on that statement too for a couple of months. Like I really wanted to just be able to say how this whole experience affected me and have them hear it.

you know, it wasn't just one night. It was the effects lasted even to this day, all the PTSD symptoms and the nightmares. And, you know, I've changed as a person completely. So there's no punishment out there that I think could ever justify what they ever did to me. But I think they got what they deserved. I think it's better than even death because they have to live their whole life in prison thinking about what they did every day.

But there are still going to be times where I'm wondering if what if they get out early for some reason or what if they try to have someone hurt me because, you know, obviously I'm the reason they're in prison. So those kind of thoughts do sometimes come up once in a while. But for the most part, I feel like I'm freed from this whole thing.

So since what happened to me, you know, back in 2012, I went to that place to get my sexual assault exam. And I, you know, I started going to counseling. And in 2019, I started to work for the same place where I had my sexual assault exam.

I started to work as the advocate that's there for the people that have to go through the exam at the same place where I got my exam. And I also started to intern at the same counseling place where I got counseling and started counseling other people. So I feel like I've really gone full circle ever since what happened to me.

I think what kept me going and kept me resilient from everything was just the idea that I can't just let them have control over my whole life and let them ruin my life. So I think what kept me going is just knowing that life doesn't stop for anyone, no matter what. So you kind of just have to deal with what's going on, but you still have to keep going no matter what. This experience has definitely made me see the darkness

In a way, that's good that I'm not so sheltered anymore and I know what's out there. But at the same time, it also did make me grateful for my life and for still being here because I feel like I could have died that night. And it just feels like I was reborn again.

I was reborn that night into someone else. I'm not the same person. And at first, I used to really cry about that. And it used to get to me, you know, knowing that I was a completely different person now. My whole perspective of life and just view of the world had changed. But I definitely think it's a good thing. It definitely made me stronger. I never would have known how strong I am and what I was capable of dealing with if that didn't happen to me.

I definitely feel like I've grown up and I'm not that naive little girl anymore. And to be more empathetic towards people as well, because I'm obviously not the only person that has experienced trauma like this. And especially because I'm not a religious person anymore, I just feel like I've become more open-minded about everything. At first, it was really hard to come to terms with the evil that's out there.

For some reason, I did start watching a lot of true crime after what happened to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe to feel less alone. But I've also seen the good out there as well during this time. The kindness I received from even the jury during my trial. There was a couple of people that were really kind to me. Detectives and social workers that worked with me. And just the support I had in my life from the people who knew.

I have opened up to a couple more people about what happened to me. And every time I've done that, they're always really shocked because, you know, they're like, I would never have expected that you've gone through something so traumatic because you don't seem like the person who hates the world or you just don't seem like you've gone through something like that. And I mean, I don't know what a person who goes through trauma is supposed to look like, but it just...

It just shows that you can go through something like this and still be able to build yourself back up. It doesn't happen overnight, but I think it just shows that you can rebuild yourself back up and turn it into something positive with time. I think the most difficult part is just the memory of it and reliving it because it's one thing to have that sort of experience, but it's another to be reminded of it all the time.

I don't think I'll ever be truly over it because there's always going to be some type of reminder or trigger. Now it's about eight years later. I mean, I still think about it at least a couple of times a week, but that's a lot better than thinking about it every single day, which is what used to happen.

But even when I think about it nowadays, it doesn't have such a strong effect on me anymore. But I think once I made the decision to do something about it and help other people who've gone through this, that really turned things around for me, especially when I started counseling other people who've gone through this. I'm able to understand exactly what they're going through.

You know, this experience, it didn't define who I am as a person. And that's kind of what keeps me going is just knowing that something really horrible happened to me. But that night didn't define me as a person at all. It definitely changes you. It doesn't have to ruin your whole life. And I just hope I can continue to, you know, remember how much strength that I've gained from this.

If you've survived it, then you can deal with anything that comes your way. Today's episode featured Jessie Baines. If you'd like to contact her, you can reach out at jbaines21 at gmail.com. That's J-B-A-I-N-S-21 at gmail.com.

From Wondery, you're listening to This Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the Wondery app, or wherever you're listening right now. You can also join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app to listen ad-free. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our shows for free.

I'm your host, Witt Misseldein. Today's episode was co-produced by me with special thanks to the This Is Actually Happening team, including Andrew Waits and Ellen Westberg. The intro music features the song Illabi by Tipper.

You can join the This Is Actually Happening community on the discussion group on Facebook or at ActuallyHappening on Instagram. On the show's website, thisisactuallyhappening.com, you can find out more about the podcast, contact us with any questions, submit your own story, or visit the store, where you can find This Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, t-shirts, wall art, hoodies, and more. That's thisisactuallyhappening.com.

And finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to patreon.com slash happening. Even two to five dollars a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening.

If you like This Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

BP added more than $130 billion to the U.S. economy over the past two years by making investments from coast to coast. Investments like building EV charging hubs in Washington state and starting up new infrastructure in the Gulf of Mexico. It's and, not or. See what doing both means for energy nationwide at bp.com slash investing in america.