207: What if you faced the ultimate betrayal?
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This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services. I stood there kind of staring at the wall and a million thoughts going through my mind like, is this really what just happened? Your whole sense of reality has been shaken so much that you question what is even real anymore? From Wondery, I'm Witt Misseldein.

You are listening to This Is Actually Happening. Episode 207. What if you faced the ultimate betrayal?

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Growing up, I had three brothers and two sisters. So there were six children and I had two parents that were very in love. I remember feeling very uninhibited and excited about life.

So I grew up in the Mormon church. My parents were very strong in the church, very faithful. They are the type of LDS people that they live their religion. They're the kindest, most nonjudgmental people you would ever know.

In the Mormon church, there are certain principles that you're taught that you are obedient to, that you follow. You know, early on, I was taught that there were certain things I needed to do, our family needed to do in order to be righteous. That in doing all of those things, that we would be blessed as a family, not only on earth, but, you know, in heaven, etc.

We went to church every Sunday. During breakfast, we'd read our scriptures. And during the week, we'd go to youth activities and we'd do service projects. So I lived in this relatively protected bubble of a life that was very pristine and clean and flawless for the most part.

So for me, you know, there was that expectation that I had to follow a certain path, go to college, get married and have a baby and your husband goes to work. And so that was kind of my path, the ideal of what I was looking for.

You know, I didn't have a rebellious teenage years. I didn't do anything. I didn't drink. It's a very clean cut kid. And I never really wanted to experiment or do other things. I just had no desire because I didn't know what the other side looked like. And so there was no reason for me to not believe or follow the path that had been laying so clearly in front of me.

My dad was a Marine in the military and so I went to eight different elementary schools living on the West Coast and the East Coast and back and forth we went.

It was tough. It was tough to start over all the time. And I remember getting off the bus to go to a new school and just the terror and the fear and the butterflies in my stomach that never went away. And I experienced a lot of bullying.

I remember my sixth grade year, went to a new school again. And that whole year, I remember not having one friend. Walking around recess, trying to pretend like I had friends, but I didn't. There's a scene from Mean Girls where she sits in the bathroom and eats her lunch. That was me. I did that several times because I was ashamed of being a loner and not having friends. And it was a tough time for sure.

When you're constantly trying to adapt to a new circumstance or try to blend in or change who you are, change how you look, you never get to a point where you truly know who you are. So when I was a junior in high school, we lived on the East Coast in Newport, Rhode Island. And I remember that year was...

was probably as a military kid, the best year of my school life. I walked in those doors and I was like the new shiny object, you know, all the boys, all the captains of the football teams and the basketball teams, and they all wanted to date me. And it was a really good feeling because the year before that I was invisible. Someone who felt like she was ugly and nothing.

It was a gift for me, honestly. I just felt like I was finally seen. I felt like I finally had worth, that I could do anything and be anyone. Then we moved back to California for my senior year and felt ugly and invisible and unwanted.

That was horrible because as much as I tried to hold on to that pretty girl, that funny girl that had just emerged the year before, I was put right back into my place. I started developing an eating disorder around that time and really kind of withdrew into myself and just felt awful, horrible.

The one thing that was like the bright star that year was when I met my future husband. And when I met him, he made me feel amazing. Like he gave me so much attention and so much praise.

So I was visiting my grandmother and Randy. He lived around the block from her. And so I remember I went to church one day because he had just converted to the LDS church. I saw him there on the stand and he was giving a talk.

People always want to hear from people who have just converted and been baptized. So he was kind of sharing his conversion story and he just seemed to shine. Like he was very charismatic and I was really, really drawn to him.

And then there was a few other times I would go visit my grandma just so I could see him. And I was secretly hoping he would ask me out. And eventually he did. And he was very respectful of me and just very kind. I remember he was very romantic. He would always like do all these romantic, thoughtful things.

He had mentioned that he'd had a dark past as a teenager. You know, what does a dark past really mean? I don't know, but I definitely was aware that he had some challenges or struggles as a child that he never had addressed or dealt with.

The thing that really stood out to me was him telling me that when someone hurts him, he goes after blood, pretty much, that he gets his vengeance. He had also told me that he'd had some issues with pornography when he was younger as well. And

And then he said, well, that's how I used to be. And then I got baptized into the Mormon church and I no longer feel those things. And so that to me was a great redemption story of someone that had come from struggle and hardship and sin.

A couple months later, after we had been dating for a little while, he comes up to me and he says, okay, so I want to serve an LDS mission. I really feel like it's the Lord's will and this is important to me. And so, of course, I supported him. And he went to Mexico City, Mexico for two years. So while Randy was gone on his mission, we continued to write back and forth. I remember living for those letters.

Meanwhile, I had slipped into a deeper depression. My eating disorder had turned into bulimia.

I felt like a failure. At that point, I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't spiritual enough. I wasn't smart enough. I mean, all of the not enoughs. And I remember one day somebody asking me, what do you like about yourself? And I couldn't come up with one thing that I liked about myself.

It was a very, very dark time. Didn't really enjoy life at all. The only thing that kept me going was my missionary. And when he got home, everything would be so much better. He would see me as this beautiful person and I would be renewed.

So he came home from his mission and we saw each other. He came to my parents' house and we went out for a drive and couldn't keep our hands off of each other. And pretty much by the second date that we were together, we just started talking about getting married.

So we dated for the rest of that summer. And then I was going back to school to finish my last two years at BYU. He follows soon after and is able to get a job in an apartment within a day.

He was a people person. He made friends very quickly, very charismatic guy. So it was no surprise to me that he was able to make things work in his favor very quickly. He started working at Sundance, which is a ski resort.

One day, a few weeks later after he was there, he took me to the top of Sundance and proposed to me in the most romantic way ever. He had roses and a fire burning in this cabin, candlelit dinner, put my ring on me and we were engaged. And it was a beautiful fall with red leaves and kind of a misty fog in the air. It was just perfect.

I just felt like the luckiest woman in the world. I was just so grateful, so grateful to him for accepting the mess that I was. I felt like he was doing me a favor and rescuing me from myself. And because he was such a good person and a Christ-like person, he was willing to marry beneath him in order to help me.

So we drove down the mountain and told our families. I told my mom, "Hey, Mom, Randy and I are engaged." And it was dead silent on the other side of the line. She's just like, "Melissa, I don't know how I feel about this."

I was really upset that she was upset. I felt like we've done everything that we should do to be worthy to get Mary in the temple. And I just thought she was trying to control me and keep me from being happy. She told me several times over the phone, I just don't feel good about this marriage.

She's like, I don't know what it is. I just, I feel sick to my stomach. I can't sleep. This doesn't feel right. I don't feel like he's the one for you. And I think deep down, I was struggling with it too. It was a very kind of lustful relationship. Looking back, I don't think that there was a lot of deeper connection than the physical attraction that was there before.

But there were a few things that happened that really confused me. There were a couple different incidences that happened during our engagement that really shook me. They were equivalent to sexual abuse.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail about it, but I remember two particular times where the sense of shame and shock and just confusion around what happened and thinking this person is supposed to take care of me. This person is supposed to protect me. And now they're treating me like an object. They're treating me as if I'm not a human being.

I had never experienced those things before, and it was really hard to know what to do with them. As a result of those different episodes, I broke up with him and I threw the ring at him and

But he was able to talk his way back and say, you know, my mistake. I wasn't thinking. And I love you. And it will never happen again. Please forgive me. And for me, that really worked because I thought, OK, he's humble. There's no pride there. He's wanting to do better. But then it happened again. It was the same thing.

Anything that he did that was bad was my sin too, because I had tempted him in some way or I had lured him in somehow. And so it was equally on me as it was him.

That's how I kind of dealt with it and accepted it, even though I just felt horrible on the inside. I knew this isn't the person that I wanted, but I felt stuck. And I also didn't know how to talk about it. Like this kind of stuff doesn't happen. If it does happen and if it has happened in my family, people don't talk about it. They just bury it. Nobody knows anything.

On our wedding day, when we went to the temple, our hands were touching across the altar, and I almost passed out three different times. It was not a beautiful, emotional ceremony. It was awful. And at the time, I just thought, I'm just not feeling good. I didn't eat enough for breakfast or something like that. Or it's just nerves. And then I remember people kind of crying and coming up to us, and I just felt dead inside.

As we were driving out of the parking lot on our wedding day, another encounter happened. Because I think in his mind, he thought, well, we're married now. I can do whatever I want with you.

You can imagine a young, beautiful, virginal bride who has grown up on fairy tales, Sleeping Beauty and The Prince Charming. And I don't believe this is just reserved for young LDS girls, but she doesn't visualize being sexually assaulted as she's leaving the castle.

Again, it was another trauma or piece of reality that I didn't really know what to do with. I didn't know how to do with that. In fact, you know what I told myself is this is normal. This is what happens. Like, I'm sure this happens to everyone. I just need to get over it and get with the program.

It's not like he's really getting a great catch with me either. So we've just got to make the best of it. And at the same time, we were getting married in the temple. So that should give us a little coverage, you know, that should give us a little bit of a boost. Everything will be fine.

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This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. I felt instantly trapped. I didn't love myself, and I felt like I had made a mistake. And divorce isn't an option. He seemed fine. He was...

able to be seen amongst our friends and in our church as an awesome human being. He was revered by everyone we met. People loved Randy.

He would sometimes get up in church and he would give those talks. People would be crying and he would be crying and then they'd want a copy of it afterwards. And I was proud of him. I thought he was great. I bought into the belief that he was amazing. Even my parents came around, especially my mom got to a point where she thought he was amazing too.

So we had our first daughter, I would say about a year and a half after we were married. I was so excited to be a mom and my daughter was just everything to me. Randy was a great dad. He loved and cherished both of my children. I had my son about four years after Randy.

I got really sick with both of my babies. I was in the hospital a lot. Randy kind of played that part of a devoted husband of what I wanted, serving and helping and being there and doing more of his share because I was so sick and couldn't, you know, he wasn't awful all the time.

When my children were three or seven, around that age, he had graduated from BYU and got a great job. But Randy wasn't happy. He wanted more. He wanted something different. And so he had this opportunity come along. A headhunter found him and asked him if he wanted to apply for the FBI. And he got really excited about that. Eventually, he was accepted. And it was very exciting because

His first assignment was Los Angeles. So we moved to Valencia, California. We started going to the church, the LDS church there. When we first moved there, one of the first people that invited us over for dinner was my good friend Mindy.

And she was so nice. She was welcoming and she was so friendly and asked me a lot about myself. And then she says, well, we're going to have to have you over for dinner. And we've got beach days during the summer every month. And then we have pool days and then we have girls night out. And I mean...

She was inviting me to everything. And, oh, it was amazing. It was such a good feeling because I felt immediately accepted and wanted and part of things. And, you know, going to those events and those gatherings, all of the women there in our congregation and our community were so welcoming. And it was everything that I wanted for my family and for myself. When we moved to Valencia, we had been married about nine years ago.

Around that time, I really wanted to have more children.

I'd been so sick that it was just really hard for me to imagine being pregnant again. It was just too much. But I desperately wanted more children. So we started going through that process of looking into adoption, adopting a baby. And I could tell that Randy wasn't fully on board. And I kind of had an epiphany one day. And I thought, you know, like, this isn't fair to him to push him into something that he may not want to do. I know that I really want to do this, but he needs to be on board.

So I asked him one day, I said, so do you want to do this? Is this something you still want to do? And he kind of looked at me with a blank stare and he says, no, I don't want to do this. I never wanted to do this. And personally, I think our marriage sucks. So I think we have bigger things we should be paying attention to than bringing another baby into the house. At that point, I was kind of like, where did that come from?

He obviously had some pent up feelings. And so I said, okay, well, let's work on our marriage first. So we start going to therapy and I was encouraged that he was willing to do this. And then I was hopeful that this would finally fix our marriage and, you know, he would stop hurting me and, you know, he would figure out his stuff and we would be whole again or at least have a better marriage.

What our therapy sessions amounted to were I was the reason for his unhappiness and I wasn't performing enough in the bedroom for him or the frequency wasn't what he wanted. The therapist at the time validated that. Melissa, you need to do more. I mean, it was all about my sexual inadequacies.

I'd never had a family therapist before, so I didn't know if what she was telling me was right or wrong. I just did what I thought I needed to do and tried to improve my performance and be a better wife and all the assignments that she gave me to do. But I also noticed that he wasn't getting any better. He wasn't loving me more. He wasn't drawing closer to me at all. It was just one therapy session after another where he would just list all of my faults and

And I would have to then in turn go work on those things. I became really good friends with Mindy and my friend Carrie. They were my two best friends there. You know, in the church, they also have what's called visiting teachers. As a visiting teacher, you're assigned two or three other women in the congregation to check in on. Like you would go visit them once a month at least and just check in and make sure everything's okay.

It's a really nice system to have because people are able to look out for each other. So Mindy calls me one day and she says, guess what? I'm your visiting teacher. And I, of course, was thrilled because we were already friends and that would just mean we get to hang out more. She became one of my best friends there in a very short time. And she was very bubbly and always in a good mood and always happy and always ready to serve and do anything for everyone.

up for anything, anytime. The only time I ever saw her out of sorts was she would tell me that her husband, that she didn't feel like he loved her and that he didn't give her enough attention and that she had the four kids. She felt unsupported and I would comfort her and I would be there for her. And I said, you know what? Like I've got, we've got our problems too. Like, you know, right now actually we're in therapy.

Labor Day weekend 2009, we were visiting his cousin and his wife, which we were very close to.

Up to that point, he had just gotten progressively meaner to me, just saying horrible, cutting things to me. And of course, at the time, I just thought it was me. It's all my fault. So I tried to be nicer and he was just being a jerk. And I'm like, so what is going on? Like, what's going on with you? And he just said, you know, I don't really want to be married to you anymore. You're not a happy person and I don't really love you. And I don't think this is going to work out.

He was very cold. And of course, you know, I was devastated and in shock and thinking, wait, like you can't just walk away from your family. I came home and cried myself to sleep and called my bishop and asked him to meet with us. You know, I said, we're in trouble. Our marriage is in trouble. Please help us. So I made the appointment immediately.

We get back to Valencia and Mindy gives me a call and she's like, hey, want to go to lunch? And I really needed a friend. So I kind of opened up to her and just said, yeah, it was a bad weekend. And Randy is trying to like end it. And I thanked her for being there for me during such a tough time.

So Thursday comes around and, you know, I'm trying to be extra loving and sweet to Randy and just saying, you know, how much I love and appreciate him and I'm going to do better. And we drove to the bishop's office at our ward. We finally pull into the parking lot and he just said, Melissa, I need to tell you something. I messed up. I said, okay, what do you mean? He said, I

I messed up with someone that you know. And I'm like, okay, what does mess up mean? He's like, I did something with someone. And I said, who? And he said, Mindy. You kind of go through all of the interactions you've had with people up until that point and where you missed things and shock, disbelief. There's a lot of feelings all at once.

If I could think of the things that I feared the most, infidelity wasn't one of them. Never, ever crossed my mind. So in that moment, it was like I kind of had to check and hear it from him in a few different ways. Am I really understanding what you're saying to me? Like, I was really trying to wrap my head around something that I had never thought was conceivable before.

You know, we walk into the church building and I'm just kind of in a trance, I think, just in a shell, just kind of going through the motions. Yeah.

Part of this confession process is that he was supposed to go into the bishop's office by himself, do a formal confession, and then I would join him after that. So while he was in the bishop's office, I stood there kind of staring at the wall and a million thoughts going through my mind. Like, is this really what just happened?

Your whole sense of reality has been shaken so much that you question what is even real anymore. I go into the bishop's office after he's done his confession and, you know, we talk for a little bit and then Randy leaves and then I'm by myself with the bishop and he's asking me how I'm doing. And then he says, well, I understand that the affair has been a tremendous blow. I looked up at him and I said, affair? What do you mean affair?

He just said he slipped and he just kind of, oops. One time he looked at me and he says, did he not tell you all of it? And I said, I thought he did. So apparently they had been sleeping together for a few months through, I think, the entire summer. So that was another gut punch thing.

We got in the car and I went home to my house and my friend Carrie was there in the living room and she gave me a hug and I didn't even say anything to her. And she's like, I know, I know everything. I thought, what do you mean? How do you know everything?

And she said that Mindy had apparently made visits to all of our friends and in our neighborhood to tell them that she had a new boyfriend and she was really excited and she was going to leave her husband and marry him. They asked her, of course, well, who? Like, who are you going to break up your family and destroy your family for? And she said, well, you know who he is. Randy. Randy.

And of course, they were all shocked and in disbelief. And they didn't understand, why is she making house calls? Why is she telling everybody? She wanted it to get out. She wanted things to progress. She wanted to get the couples broken up so they could be together. And that was the beginning of the end. I went to stay with my parents for a week. I was still kind of floating around my body a little bit.

I was kind of in that trance for a couple months, really. I was kind of like a robot, like I wasn't really there. I was just kind of moving through space and it was definitely a tough time. Now, when that veil started to lift a little bit and I started to kind of feel, it was unbearable.

There were a few times where it was so bad, I considered taking my life. And I say consider because I didn't get past that in my mind because I had two kids and there was no way I was going to leave them. But I was trying to think of a way to escape the pain that was just all-encompassing. I think that in the early weeks of this, you know, I was holding on to hope.

The denial part was pretty heavy at this point. I remember he came home from work one day when we were still living together. And he's like, you probably just want to cut my penis off or you just want to run me over with your car, don't you? I bet you're that angry. And I told him honestly at the time, I said, no, like, I love you. I love you more than anything. And I want to make this work. And I know we can get back to each other.

One of my attempts for doing that was, so I was sitting in bed one day. I was writing in my journal all of the things that I was grateful for in my marriage with Randy.

And then he walks into my room and I'm sitting on my bed. And I just thought if I could just reach him through my love for him, maybe that'll crack him open and get him to remember our love or remember what he has right in front of him. I told him how much I loved him in that moment. And I shared my long list of all the things that I loved about him. And so he kind of looks at me and I'm,

Says, I need to tell you something. Mindy is pregnant. I knew instinctively in that moment that we were over. The betrayal became even more personal because both of these people knew how much I wanted more children, how much I loved children, how much I want another baby. And I felt robbed that that was taken from me.

I felt a sense of permanence of this relationship that this was permanent now. Like there was no walking away. They were going to be in each other's lives forever, whether they stayed together or not. He didn't really say anything after that. I just screamed into my pillow.

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It was shocking to me that there was very little emotion or remorse. When I would reach out to him and ask him, why are you doing this? He would just coldly say, well, it's your fault. You did it. I remember another time before we left, I was at home and he came in and he was really excited about something. And I asked him what was up and he's like, oh, we might be having twins.

Again, it was one of the another out of body experience where you're like, OK, am I crazy? This isn't normal. You don't just come home genuinely excited and tell your wife that you think you might be having twins with your mistress or her best friend. What's even more not normal is him saying, why aren't you happy for us? What's wrong with you?

We're excited about this. And why aren't you excited? And I again, I was like, what planet or world or reality is that normal? So there was about a month period of time where I was living with a man who was having a baby with somebody else. And I think it was more about me psychologically and emotionally. Like, I don't know what to do.

It was pointed out to me clearly that it was my fault. And he told me that several times. And I believed him.

You know, you told me to go to hell that one time. Remember that? Yeah, that's why this happened. Or remember that one time you threw my tapes against the wall and broke them into a million pieces because you were so angry. Or you're not willing to do more stuff in the bedroom. So, I mean, there was like a laundry list of things. You're not good enough. You haven't been a good wife. You're not a good mom. He was creating those narratives in his own mind to justify it.

And then me accepting it would help him feel better about himself. So I believed all of that stuff, yet I didn't really understand why those would all justify an act like that. I tried to get him to leave so that I could at least be in the house by myself with the kids. But he said, no, you leave. Like, try to tell me to leave. I'm FBI. I don't need to leave. I have a gun. So we ended up leaving.

And that's when the anger finally ignited. And that anger helped me fuel the energy that I needed to fight for my children and to stand up for myself and to get the help that I needed. And to finally say, no, like this was awful. This was a horrible thing that happened and I did not deserve it.

You'd think that when people are behaving badly or shamefully that I guess some people go into hiding or try to keep it secret, but not Mindy and Randy. They flaunted their affair and their pregnancy loud and proud.

They continued to go to church. We had two people that could care less, that would drive around the community and without a care in the world, almost like they were two teenagers, madly in love and screw everyone else and screw anyone that wouldn't support that love. It rocked our community, rocked our church.

Luckily for me, I was able to escape it and move to Utah within a few months. But Randy and Mindy continued to go to the same ward with their children, with my kids, with her kids, as if nothing happened. And they would go and sit in the pews as if they were a married, happy family. And as a result of the affairs, they were both excommunicated from the church.

I was in the excommunication process. I was there, but I remember him laughing about it afterwards and thinking it was a big joke. I remember feeling there's something not quite right with this individual that hasn't been quite right for a long time.

It took us almost two years to get divorced. He was in the spirit of vengeful revenge mode because I hired a high-powered attorney, and he didn't like that because I normally would cower and obey him type of a thing. So he was going to make me pay for that, but I ended up getting primary custody of them and being able to keep them in Utah, which I really, really wanted.

I remember the day that I finally got word that I was officially divorced and I'd been waiting for it for a long time and so grateful that I was free. I felt free. I felt like I could finally start over again.

Part of the pain that came from betrayal is one minute you were the love of my life, I thought, and you were my protector and my guardian and my everything. And I thought, or at least I believe that you loved me the same. And now suddenly I'm like literally nothing.

You know, that feeling of being discarded, it was really, really hard because I had kind of felt that way about myself for a long time, too. So to have someone that was supposed to be there for you and see the good in you and to lift you up was kind of saying the same things or seeing the same things that you saw in yourself was just it was really, really hard. You know, when someone betrays your trust.

For me, this was on a level that made me question everything. If I couldn't trust this one person that I was supposed to trust completely, I couldn't trust anyone.

And God blessed our marriage, then I can't trust God. And like, I can't trust the institution of marriage. I can't trust my whole belief system that I grew up, the LDS church. I can't trust my family. You know, I started to look at my dad as like, well, I mean, who knows? You're probably cheating on mom. Like, I didn't even know the whole basis of morality, the whole why we do what we do, what our purpose here on earth is, right?

The pain of not knowing things or living in that reality is very, very scary. And so you really don't know what the next step is. Like you have to start pretty much from the beginning and say, what do I know for sure right now?

In the church, they talk a lot about like when things are tough, hold on really tight, like don't let go and it'll get better. And I'm like, well, how do I hold on to those beliefs that I've just been like ripped to shreds? I just got burned. I'm not going to touch the same stuff that I felt burned me.

I think I felt a little duped. You know, I'm thinking, all right, family and parents and church and God and church leaders, you said, if I do all of these things, which I've done all of these things, that this would be the result. And there was definitely anger, not just to my ex-husband, but to everyone that I felt duped by. And it mostly boiled down to men in general.

Men were supposed to be the leaders. Men were supposed to save the women, save the day, protect the families. I don't even know what I believe anymore because I feel like I was just lied to. All of that's crap. I still struggle with my belief system. I still struggle with what's true and what's not.

But here's the thing. There is a shift. And I am grateful for this shift because before, I put too much trust on other people. I cared too much about what other people thought. I trusted too much in my church leaders, in my husband, in my parents, and so

Not that trusting people is wrong, but the problem was, is I didn't trust myself at all. So I relied on them to like solve all my problems or to validate me, to tell me which direction to go and what to do and where to go. And I just kind of towed the line and followed kind of the pamphlet, you know what I mean? Like the guidebook.

So when the guidebook and the rules and, you know, the checkboxes didn't work and I did all the stuff that I thought I should do to equal happiness and that didn't work out, then I'm like, I'm not going to do that again. But at the same time, there was no other guidebook or system or formula available.

So imagine being in a space where you have no idea what to do next. And if someone were to come to you and say, here, go do this, you're like, no, I'm not going to listen to you. So you don't trust people, but yet you don't know what to do. The whole world suddenly became a very scary and unsafe place. It's really, really scary place to be.

At the same time, I really felt like nothing. You know, I had just been thrown away is how I felt. But I also knew I needed help and I wasn't going to be able to get to a better place by myself. So yeah, I got a therapist and what was wonderful about this therapist is he helped me pull me out of the victim mode.

And I had gotten very comfortable in victim mode and he was helping me get out of it. And that was a huge turning point for me to realize I don't have to be miserable. I don't have to live in this world of poor me or my life is ruined because of what these two people did to me. I didn't have to let this horrible thing that happened in my life define me.

You know, I wanted to be the conqueror. I wanted to be the someone that rose out of the ashes. And you'd think that the fantasy would be like atomic bomb falling on Mindy's house. But that wasn't the fantasy that I was thinking of. The fantasy that I was thinking of was...

Walking into this conference room full of men who thought they were better than me and telling them I was their new boss and I was the new CEO of this multi-billion dollar company and them squawking at it and me saying, okay, well, if you don't like it, you can go. You're fired.

But I think what that dream or that fantasy represented for me was just someone that was strong, that could stand up for herself, that could be successful and powerful and could beat all odds.

Before, it was a stay-at-home mom. I didn't have a job. I didn't have a source of income. My job was to care for my husband and for my children. That was my job. That was my whole identity. And the days of me catering to a man or expecting a man to validate me, provide for me, those days are gone.

You are going to stand on your own two feet. You're going to make good money. You're going to have a better life for you and your kids. And you are not going to want or need another man again. That was what I wanted, but that's not necessarily what I felt. I still felt needy and I still felt broken at the time. I still needed validation from a man, but at least I knew where I wanted to get

So this isn't a story of, all right, she prevailed and her life's wonderful and there's no trauma, you know, traumas in the past. It's I feel like, you know, 11 years in, it's always going to be a part of me to some degree. What I've learned about betrayal trauma is that it stays with you. PTSD is very real. And, you know, I've had many.

a lot of those attacks over the years and they get fewer and far between, but they're still there. That wound will always be there. And it tends to rear its ugly head in unforeseen and random cases. So for me, PTSD, as I was entering these failed relationships over and over and over, going through the dating and the

At the beginning, anything could trigger me. It's usually a comment that they make or they're looking at something or they're looking at another woman. Sometimes it's a person I'm with could just pull away from me, meaning they take their hand off my leg or they don't want to hold my hand as we're walking up to the movies or something like that.

And usually my trauma isn't necessarily that I'm afraid they're going to cheat on me necessarily. The trauma or the fear that gets triggered is more about being abandoned and being thrown away. And what happens when that emotion or that fear is triggered is immediately I look at that person as they are hurting me. They're my persecutor. And so I do whatever I can to

to hurt them and then get out of there. Telling them how awful they are, breaking things off. My therapist used to say, Melissa, it's like you throwing a grenade in the room and shutting the door. Then usually what happens after I've thrown the grenade and it's gone off, I feel bad about it and like, oops. And then I walk in and I try to apologize and put the person back together again after I blew them up.

I think it's just that when the trauma happens, it's just your body remembers it. Your body holds on to it. So even though emotionally and mentally you might have moved on, your body still remembers. So sometimes, you know, that bruise gets tapped or triggered or whatever, and it just comes to life. I'm in therapy right now trying to work on it because I don't want it to affect my current relationship.

So how I've dealt with that in terms of communicating to him is this is what it is. You can't necessarily predict or control it when it happens. What you can do is when I'm going through it, first, try not to take it personal, even though I know that that's probably virtually impossible to do. Second, just reach out to me and grab my hand and say, I love you. I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere.

And third, don't hold it against me. Don't put any judgment on it because literally like that's the best thing you can do. That can be hard for some men to learn, I think. But, you know, my fiance is trying and I think he's learning. I would say to anyone that's going through the initial stages of their trauma, it will get better. If you want a better life, you can have it.

But before you even look for, you know, your next maid or your next partner, really what you should be doing is trying to love yourself again.

To be honest, I didn't start there. My whole point of healing was get me to a point so I can find a new husband. You know, I need to find a new husband. So if I find a new husband and he loves me better than the last one, then I'll be better. Everything will be better. And I remember my therapist saying to me, you're not going to find that person until you learn to love yourself, until you love yourself unconditionally. And I thought that was the stupidest thing that I had ever heard.

And of course, I ignored him for probably a couple of years and just thought I knew better. And of course, I didn't. And I kept repeating the same story over and over and finding the same type of person that I had been married to until I eventually realized that he was right, that I needed to start N-Word and that I needed to learn to love myself and be there for me first.

We had to file for bankruptcy after my divorce and I had to live with my parents. We didn't have anything. And rebuilding from that was very scary. For a long time, I thought I'm not smart enough. I'm not strong enough. Like it's the man's job to provide. And since I don't have a man, I guess we're not going to have what we need or want. Now I am an executive at a mid-level company. I got out of debt. I was able to buy a house, got to the point where I was making six figure income and

The relationship with my kids is we love each other. They know they can come to me. They know that I will never abandon them, that I'm always here for them. We have a loving home. It took me a long time to get to a point where I could trust, but the most powerful part of it is learning to love myself, learning to trust myself that because I'm more whole, I can be more whole for other people. And it feels really good.

Today's episode featured Melissa. You can find out more about her on Instagram at LittleRedMelly. That's Little Red M-E-L-L-Y. Or you can find her on Medium. Check the show notes for links.

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I'm Dan Taberski. In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad. I'm like, stop f***ing around. She's like, I can't. A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms, and spreading fast. It's like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls. With a diagnosis, the state tried to keep on the down low. Everybody thought I was holding something back. Well, you were holding something back intentionally. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

No, it's hysteria. It's all in your head. It's not physical. Oh my gosh, you're exaggerating. Is this the largest mass hysteria since The Witches of Salem? Or is it something else entirely? Something's wrong here. Something's not right. Leroy was the new dateline and everyone was trying to solve the murder. A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios. Hysterical.

Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Hysterical early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+.