177: What if you woke up two months later?
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This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services. For about three years, I felt like my brain was in saran wrap. It just felt like, I know I know that, but I don't know the answer. You're just not all there. From Wondery, I'm Whit Misseldein.

You are listening to This Is Actually Happening. Happenings Volume 4. Crash. Episode 177. What if you woke up two months later?

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You know sometimes when you see somebody walking down the street and, oh, they walk funny, but you don't know what it is? That's me. So I have mild cerebral palsy. I grew up going to physical therapy about two times a week just to try to walk normal. But I mean, I had a great childhood.

I grew up in Texas. My home life was all right. My dad was a fireman and my mom, she stayed at home with us. I played sports all growing up, had good friends and I pretty much loved life, you know, loved everything and everybody.

When I was seven, because of their cerebral palsy, CP, the sexiest of the palsies, I had a spinal rhizotomy when I was seven just so I could walk more normal. They cut nerves in my back, so I didn't walk on my toes, my tippy toes, which is what I did before the surgery. And I had to relearn to walk normally.

And you're wanting to be normal and walk normal like everybody else. So previously, I didn't have to think, okay, this foot goes here and this foot goes there. You know, it just comes natural. But, you know, it was a process.

I used a wheelchair for a while and I felt cool being in a wheelchair. But legit, it's because I wasn't in it forever. If you know like, hey, I'm in a wheelchair until I learned to walk, there's a little bit of hope. And when you're seven, wheelchairs are cool.

You know, I still walked a little funny, but I still played basketball growing up competitively. I wasn't the fastest kid, but I hustled really well. Cerebral palsy didn't affect me at all mentally. It was only physically.

Thank heavens that it didn't affect me mentally because I had physical ailment. I read a lot of books and I was big on education and being smart. But, you know, whenever you're younger and boys, it's like, oh, this boy, maybe he doesn't like me because I walk funny just a little bit or have a little bit of a limp. So you always think about that kind of stuff. But life was good.

Whenever I was a freshman, we moved cities, so I changed schools. So I was a new kid, and it was a smaller school, and they had a bunch of cliques.

I was so nervous and didn't have any friends, and I wasn't used to not having friends. And the whole CP thing came back around. So I had a bit of anxiety and depression the first year there because I had zero friends, but I also didn't put myself out there much. I was just very quiet.

When you're, you know, 13 years old, 14 years old, if a guy doesn't like you, the cutest guy that you've ever seen, maybe he doesn't like me because I walk funny. So everybody wasn't knocking on my door to date me.

It hurt my feelings a lot, but I mean, I did have some boyfriends that overlooked it. So once I made friends at, you know, the new school, I made a lot because I would make friends with anybody. I especially like to make friends or just say hey to the quiet kid that never talked because that used to be me.

So once I came out of my shell, it was great. And ultimately, of course, now I don't care. It's like, this is how I am. Take it or leave it, you know. But it just took a lot of time.

Then I went to college. I was a little bit of a workaholic, but I had a lot of friends would go out every weekend and had a little too much fun sometimes. But I dated on and off, you know, love them and leave them. Nothing ever serious, really. My life was pretty good. It's pretty carefree. I had a job. I had friends and it was great.

It was a pretty carefree, good existence. The job that I had, I was marketing for a music school. So every weekend we're out at live music events. So it was July 2015. And I woke up that morning and I remember I went to get breakfast tacos because breakfast tacos are delicious.

We had an event that night. Music promotion. It was Kid Craddock, Kid Live, that type of thing. I was up there with everybody, you know, taking pictures. And once I had videos and pictures and everything, I left to go home. I was, you know, telling everybody bye, making sure I had my keys and my phone. So I got into my car to leave the event.

And the next thing I knew is when I woke up two months later, I opened my eyes.

And I didn't know where I was. I didn't know what bed I was in. And everything was just creepy. You know, the best way to describe it is when you're little and you spend the night with a friend. And it's your first time ever spending a night with them. And you wake up and you don't know where you are or who you're with or why until, you know, everything clicks.

That's exactly what it felt like, but it didn't click. So, okay, I'm in a hospital bed. Okay, why am I here? Have I gone crazy? Did they put me here or did something happen? I was like looking all around and I used my context clues. I could tell, oh, geez, you're in the hospital.

You could tell that it was a hospital, but I didn't know why I was in there or who had put me there. I had no idea what happened or how long I had been there and just everything scared me. I could hear nurses or people outside the hospital room talking, but I didn't know how to get their attention.

So I was like, "Shit, what do I do?" I noticed that I had a brace on my neck and so I was like, "Okay, something happened to my neck." There was also a happy birthday banner on the wall and I thought, "It's not my birthday."

What's going on? Is that for me? And then for some reason, I started thinking, I'm 60 years old. I'm 60 years old. Do I have a husband? Do I have kids?

I was afraid my mom and dad weren't alive. And I also, I was very scared because I've seen movies that you wake up every day doing the same thing over and over and you don't realize you wake up every day. So every day is a new day. And then I was like, oh crap, is that what's happening? And I've been here for 30 years now.

For some reason, 60 years old, I was certain that that's how old I was. It didn't even come across like, oh, am I 60? No, you're 60. You know, you've been here 30 years, but nobody cares about you. Nobody, you know, I had no idea. Nobody talks to me or tells me what happened because they're tired of it.

that's just her. She'll go back to sleep and tomorrow it'll be the same thing. So that's what I was really scared of. But I heard those people talking outside and I wanted them to know I was awake. And so I tried to scream as loud as I could. And because of the innovations in my neck, it had paralyzed my vocal cords. And so I talked like this. I was like, ah!

and screaming as loud as I could, but nobody could hear me. And so I thought, okay, what can I do now instead? And there was a cup, like a plastic cup on the bedside table. And I thought, oh, this will be a good idea. Maybe I can throw it down hard and they'll hear it and come in and think, oh, she's awake.

But I did that and that didn't make any noise, pretty much none. So my final thought, I saw a mirror. And at this time, I'm just terrified that I'm 60 and that I have grandkids that I don't know about. And so I was like, oh, there's a mirror.

Okay, I'll just get up, get out of the bed and walk over and see. And I was picturing myself having like being really old and having long gray hair.

sort of like the Titanic lady. So I scooted myself out, which was very hard because I could use my and move my arms and legs and sort of push off, but they had no muscle mass. And so whenever I tried to get off the bed, I almost collapsed.

I put my legs down and almost fell down, but I caught myself and realized, okay, you can't walk over to the mirror to see how old you are or to tell people that you're awake.

And so I scooted back with my arms, and I'm proud of myself for this realization. I was like, oh, yeah, old people's hands look old. So I can look at the back of my hands, and I'll see about how old I am.

So I looked at the back of my hands and I figured, no, they look about the same. The oldest I could be is about three to four years older than I remember. So that's good. And at that point, I was exhausted because, you know, two months of sleep wasn't long enough. So I went back to sleep.

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This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. When I woke up, one of the nurses had come to take my vitals. I think she realized, oh, gee, she's awake. And I said, what happened?

And she explained, you know, you've had an awful car accident. You broke your neck and your hip and, you know, you have a bad brain injury. And kind of explaining everything that happened. And I asked her, is everybody okay? And she explained, it's only you and the person that cut me off or whatever, but he got away.

So everybody's good and now you're good and you're safe and you're in the hospital. That was a relief. And I asked her, I said, are my mom and dad alive? And she said, yes, they were up here earlier. So that was a huge relief. When you have something, an experience like that, all you want is your mom and just like everything will be okay.

She didn't want to tell me too much to overwhelm me. I had no idea that I had been out for two months.

I just wanted her to stay and answer questions, but I didn't even know what questions to ask. I just wanted to know everything. And I asked, why is happy birthday up there? Oh, well, you've been out. And she wouldn't tell me how long, I guess, not to freak out, but that would have been cool because I thought it was 30 years. But she was like, oh, yeah, your birthday. Your birthday happened.

The whole time, I was so worried about my dog. And if she thought that I abandoned her, especially when I knew I'd been out for two months, I was like, no, I would never do that to her. But the nurse was just trying to chill me out. Yes, everybody knows your mom got your dog and you're okay.

And of course she knew that my family had practically lived at the hospital for the past two months. So I had an acute coma. I broke my C2 and C3 in my neck and I broke my collarbone and my hip and had a TBI as well. From the time that people had called 911,

to the time that the ambulance, the paramedics had gotten to me. It was eight minutes and 32 seconds. So I hadn't been breathing for that long. If there's no oxygen to your brain, it can kill your brain cells. Because of that, they thought I was pretty much a goner.

Since I broke my C2 and C3 in my neck, they were pretty sure that if I did ever wake up or recover, you know, that I would be a vegetable or paralyzed or both.

And that terrified me at first, you know. So I'll never walk again? And they didn't want to tell me yes, but didn't want to tell me no. So they just kept, well, we'll see, you know. I didn't like that answer.

What I found out about the car crash was that somebody ran me off the road and my car hit a pole and proceeded to break my neck and my hip. But it was only me that was hurt because the other guy took off.

You know, I broke my neck and I broke my hip in the car wreck. And I had a Glasgow Coma Scale of 3, which literally means it's a miracle if you wake up and you're okay.

The crazy thing is, my sister showed me a picture of the car afterwards, and it didn't even look like a bad accident. My body took the brunt of the damage. My car looked fine. You know, it was wrecked, but it wasn't awful. What really sucks is I didn't have insurance at my job, and because of the cerebral palsy, I had a pre-existing condition, and insurance was pretty impossible to get.

Because of that, I was going to have to go to physical rehab, but I was going to have to be a charity case. Because of that, you know, I thought, oh, yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm fine. Oh, I'm awake. I'm fine. Let's go get me back to walking. I know I will, you know, because I've done it before. When I was seven, I can do it. And they would say, well, we don't know.

And I felt like they weren't letting me go to inpatient physical rehab. That confused me because that's what I needed and wanted to do. And I'd gone to therapy my whole life. Because of that, I started thinking all the nurses were out to get me.

After I'd been awake a couple of days is when the paranoia got crazy that they actually weren't good. They were trying to keep me there or send me to a nursing home, unable to walk for the rest of my life so they could take all my money, which I had no money, you know.

I was going to be broke from this accident, but in my head, that is what they were doing. So every time a nurse would come in, oh, I'm on to you, is what I thought in my brain. I also, I had double vision, where when I looked at one part of the wall where the clock was,

Well, I didn't have double vision anywhere else but that place where I looked, and it was where the clock was. So, I thought, they're trying to make me look stupid. They have two clocks over there, and they have them opposite times.

So, every time they would come take my vitals, I would always ask and say thank you and yes ma'am and all that. And I would say, hey, what time is it? And they would look up at the wall and I would see which clock they were looking at. And I would know, okay, that's what time it is.

And see, in my paranoid brain, this is how they're going to make me look stupid. She can't even read a clock, you know, but they're really just flipping it back and forth. When my mom would come, I would, of course, in this voice, I would say, Hey, Mom, there's two clocks up there. I'm okay. I'm okay. Get me out of here.

And she, you know, would say 1 o'clock and think I'm insane and you're clearly not okay. You're everything but okay. It makes no sense now, but at the time, I was certain. I was certain about how they're trying to make me look stupid to put me in a home to take all my money away

I couldn't trust anyone and the only person I felt like I could trust was my mom and I couldn't trust my mom either after I tried to explain it to her and they had gotten her on their side so I felt so lonely and had no idea what to do.

From my hospital bed, I could see on the other side there was a bus and a bus stop that would, you know, pass every once in a while. You know, and all I did was just lay there for hours a day and think about how I was going to get out of this situation. So I had a great escape plan in my brain.

So I waited until the right time. I was like, okay, great. I'm going to go down the hall with my walker and I'm going to go across the street. I'm going to get on that bus and just tell them to drive. And I was like, okay, you got this. You're going to go. Go.

And so I tried to get off my bed and I was on the edge of the bed and I had the walker at the edge of the bed and fell hard, like on the ground. And of course, my gown is like half open and the bed starts beeping. So they came in, they're like, oh, were you okay? Because I wasn't supposed to get up. I was like, oh yeah, I was, I was just going to the bathroom.

You know, that whole day and next day I was like, man, I missed my chance. There's absolutely no way I could have walked five feet, let alone, you know, down the hallway, get an elevator, cross the street and all that.

For them, I was just the nicest patient in the world. And somebody that would say, oh, yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. Oh, sorry. You know, in reality, you know, I hated every last one of them.

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I went to inpatient rehab and that was great. That's where I'd wanted to go from the beginning. But since I didn't have insurance, I had to wait for a charity bed to open up. And to this day, I still love it and miss it. Everybody in there is jacked up for some reason. We're all messed up and we all don't want to be there, but we know we need to be there just to get back to normal.

I was the only one that was a younger person, but they made me feel so welcome. And you become so lonely after being in the hospital all day. I loved inpatient rehab because I made a lot. I mean, granted, my best friend was 77 years old, but I love him to this day.

And my dad would come every day at lunch and that was glorious because I had that to look forward to. The most difficult part for me was being hard on myself. And when you're laying in the bed and you know you're not going to walk, so why even freaking try?

Some days it was getting out of my bed, you know, and not being depressed and just like, screw it, I'll just stay here. And I had a little thing that I would have put on my wall that said, you got this. And like, okay, yeah, you got this. Like, even if you don't, you got to tell yourself that.

Aside from the physical aspects, I had a lot of mental issues that I was dealing with, and that's because of the traumatic brain injury. Everything within the first week of, you know, being awake, I couldn't remember the people that came, so they would have to actually write on the whiteboard if they showed up, you know, and I would think, oh, yeah, okay.

So if somebody came in, I would spend a really long time looking at their face because it wouldn't click. It hurt some people's feelings because they would think, well, do you remember me? Because I've been your friend for eight years.

Because of where my brain injury was, it was on the parietal lobe. And I don't remember faces. Like if I had met somebody two days ago, you know, I saw him again today. Typically, you would be like, oh, hey, how are you doing? But I don't remember that I've met them.

I didn't remember anything. And so, and I didn't have dreams for two years after the wreck. It was just blank, just when you go to sleep and you wake up and you had no dream. You know, it's just black, lights out, you know, and then you wake up. For about three years, I felt like my brain was in saran wrap.

It just felt like, I know I know that, but I don't know the answer. You're just not all there.

Outpatient rehab, we had worksheets that you would get in high school. Like if you go to the store, you're going to buy milk for $1.15, but you have a $10 bill, you know, relearning that kind of stuff. It was there. The knowledge was there and our brains would just had to reignite it. I kind of didn't know anything. I was like a blank sheet of paper.

You just have to learn everything. Even they would teach us in day neuro outpatient rehab, they would teach us how people ask questions. Like if they say, how are you? How are you? That's a cue to how they're asking a question. You have to start with really baby things, just baby.

You're having you have to like learn how to read Hughes and it you know It just takes time and hanging around people to really understand that it's like you're just a little kid and going through how to live life, you know, they would Ask me, you know food preferences. Do you like so-and-so? I don't know. I can't remember. I

I didn't know what, you know, what my favorite movie was, what I liked and what I didn't like. I knew that I had eaten something or seen something, but I couldn't remember my feelings about it.

With traumatic brain injuries, your taste buds can change a little bit, which is interesting. Stuff that I didn't like before, sushi and all that kind of stuff, I'm obsessed with it now. And before, I wouldn't touch it at all.

Even things like not having a filter. You say things that are funny, but like, hey, that's not something you should say. Or a funny sexual joke or something. Hey, shh. And it took a little while to develop that filter because it's like a little kid. You just say whatever comes to your mind.

When I left the hospital, it was crazy. I had to go and live with my mom again because I couldn't really walk. And I still have some anxiety and almost panic issues.

If I am in a store with, you know, a lot of people around that it is crowded, you know, just because it was sensory overload and I was almost having a little bit of a panic attack.

It's been five years since the accident and I had to work back up. I was slow. You know, when you first get back to walking, you just, you're just slower. I would try to push myself and I would get a job and it was like, uh, yeah. And I would lose a job and I would be so hard on myself.

I was just too hard on myself because it's a process, you know. You have to go through it, you know, each year. You have to get a little bit better and not rush it. My life is different now. It's more settled down and slowed down because before I was just go, go, go. Every weekend I was working or I was out with people and I realized all that is just way too overwhelming.

And so those friends that I did have are still like in bands and go to concerts all the time. But I'm just not about that scene anymore. I was sad at the beginning about my former life being gone because I was lonely.

People don't know, oh, I don't know if she's good enough to ask her to go eat, you know, or go to a concert. And so they don't, you know, they don't ask you to do stuff. So it was very lonely. But you can't get mad at people for feeling that way because I wouldn't know. I can understand those feelings like, would this be too hard for her? So let's just not ask.

Also, I learned to make my own self happy. And I listened to a lot of podcasts and all that kind of stuff. And my mom swears by that. She thinks 100% that's why my brain got so much better. Because I constantly had, you know, people talking. And all I did was listen to that and try to learn. My brain wasn't supposed to get much better than a sixth grader.

You just got to deal and learn to roll with it. And everybody thinks it's weird for me to say this because it had to have been a horrible experience. And I mean, it was. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it was also kind of great because you saw people rally around you. You're getting that feeling of, wow, I must have been a decent person.

There's a change in yourself. Like, I'm a lot more relaxed now. Like, I always tell my friends, if they get worked up about something, chill out. Just breathe, and it's no big deal. Because when I would get frustrated and just pissed at myself, you know, like, why can't I do this? I'm never going to learn to walk. You just have to chill.

You can do it. Just keep practicing, you know, keep falling and don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep on. I was going to psychiatrists for years and I was depressed a little bit. That's common with the TBI and anxiety.

She helped me understand just, you know, how to handle things and more about my personality to where I would get so anxious on phone interviews because my voice was bad. Then they would ask me, oh, are you sick? And I would just lie and say yes. And she laughed and said, no, don't say that. Just say, this is my voice. Understanding that, oh yeah, I shouldn't lie.

I love going to her just because she helped me understand myself as a person and a changing person because I'm a different person than I was before. Plus, you know, I take medicine for anxiety and depression now, which if you feel like you need it, please take it because it's life-changing.

I've come such a long way and my life is wonderful now. I met my husband a year and a half ago and what's interesting is with my voice going on dates,

people automatically do like, oh, what is wrong? Because I would talk like that. And I didn't walk that great, but I just kept pushing on, you know. So I had some boyfriends through the time, but he's, you know, met a three harmony. Heck yeah. But and before this accident, I would have never gone that route. And it's been amazing.

I work and I edit videos, like make motion graphics for a healthcare company, which is my dream job. I have friends that are chill and more my speed these days and have families and all that kind of stuff. It settled me down a lot, but it was offered the best. I think I know that I can handle stuff like I can handle a lot.

I'm so glad that I'm on this side of it and not my family's side of it, where they didn't know, oh, crap, is she going to wake up? Is she ever going to be able to talk or work or move? Or, you know, I'd rather me be in that position because I know, oh, yeah, I'll do it.

You know, it's not a what if. And I think the spinal rhizotomy, you know, when I was little, gave me that, oh, no big deal. It's going to take a couple months, but I'm going to learn to walk and I'm going to be back to normal. I'm kind of hardheaded. I push myself a lot. And I think that it's taught me that I'm stronger than I thought I was.

It slowed me down and showed me what's important. I think it's made me a better person. I'm definitely a more empathetic person than before the accident. Maybe it's a little bit of what I needed to...

really understand what I'm grateful for. And I'm not grateful it happened because that would be silly. But in a way, if it had to happen, all right, cool, you know. I'm happy with the outcome. Life is weird and it doesn't make sense. It's not fair.

My whole big belief before was, "Oh yeah, if you try really hard, if you work hard, and everything will come up roses." No, that's not how it is at all. Life isn't fair.

People are like, everything happens for a reason. But no, I don't believe that crap. And it sucks. But it's how you respond to it. And that makes you a stronger, better person in the end. Today's episode featured Leah Miller.

From Wondery, you're listening to This Is Actually Happening. If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, the Wondery app, or wherever you're listening right now. You can also join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app to listen ad-free. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our shows for free.

I'm your host, Witt Misseldein. Today's episode was produced by me and Andrew Waits, with special thanks to the This Is Actually Happening team, including Ellen Westberg. The intro music features the song Illabi by Tipper. You can join the This Is Actually Happening community on the discussion group on Facebook, or at Actually Happening on Instagram. And as always, you can support the show by going to patreon.com slash happening, or by visiting the shop at actuallyhappeningstore.com. One, two, three.

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Welcome to the Offensive Line. You guys, on this podcast, we're going to make some picks, talk some s**t, and hopefully make you some money in the process. I'm your host, Annie Agarne.

So here's how this show's going to work, okay? We're going to run through the weekly slate of NFL and college football matchups, breaking them down into very serious categories like No offense. No offense, Travis Kelsey, but you've got to step up your game if Pat Mahomes is saying the Chiefs need to have more fun this year. We're also handing out a series of awards and making picks for the top storylines surrounding the world of football. Awards like the He May Have a Point Award for the wide receiver that's most justifiably bitter.

Is it Brandon Ayuk, Tee Higgins, or Devontae Adams? Plus, on Thursdays, we're doing an exclusive bonus episode on Wondery Plus, where I share my fantasy football picks ahead of Thursday night football and the weekend's matchups. Your fantasy league is as good as locked in. Follow the offensive line on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can access bonus episodes and listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.