You Are More Than Your Phone with Trixie and Katya
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You better work. Why don't we do voices? You better work that thing on the runway. Work. Work to the left. Work. Turn to the right. Work.

Sashay, shantay, it don't matter what you wear. They're checking out your savoir faire. Ooh, ooh, ooh. It don't matter what you do. Cause VH1 canceled you. Unemployed supermodel. Is that a bunnyism? Uh-huh. Work. What about bunnies? Fred Schneider doing supermodel. Work it, girl. Rule the world. What about bunny's new track?

Ain't heard it. Yes, you did. I played it to you. I, yeah, it was, no, you, you danced to it. It's so, but we were in fucking Salt Lake City. Good. It's a pre-master demo and she, Miss Bunny Hop Hop shared it with me. It's so electric. Boogie woogie. It's, wait, I mean, she probably, oh, I told her, I was like, I'm playing it and you don't, you won't see a scent. She's like, love.

You know, that's one of the things about music is when you let go of the freedom of ever believing that you'll make money doing it. It becomes fun. Especially when you're Lady Bunyan. Have you seen that RuPaul clip where she goes, that's stupid. You should kill yourself. Yes. It's so fierce. I don't know what it's from. Maybe it's early drag race, but I don't think it's exactly 2024, but it's funny. I have never laughed as loud as I did.

It was unbelievable. And she knows it's not going to be used for camera. So it was a moment, a rare moment where you're like, this is just pure joy. Well, I've been in her boat because as you know, when we were on Trixie Motel, she may or may not be in the second season because it's our show and I get to edit. We say whatever.

I want to see the dailies. We say whatever. Whereas like when I was on Salt Lake City on Bravo, I said, I'm wearing that body mic. I miss America. I can't say anything that even seems right.

Slightly. Untoward. Yes, exactly. Go watch that. Because you know Bravo will keep that. Bravo will keep that audio and use it, honey. They will weaponize that audio against you, baby. They'll bank it and be like, okay, Miss Balenciaga, shoot, shoot, Tina. This? How about them? Girl, what are you talking about? They were 50% off. Get the shoes, baby. Get the shoes. Rochester, New York. We talked about these on this pod. No, we didn't.

These were from Nordstrom 50% off because when you wear big sizes like me, there's a rack of big shoes that are 50% off. Get the shoes, baby. Get the shoes. They were still $700, I think. But... Well, so one percenter in the house. And...

I'm going to tell you about them shoes. Let me tell you about them shoes. I've had me a pair, Miss Rich. And they are the most comfortable pair of footwear I have ever sported in me life. They're very comfortable. I bought them because you had them, Miss Rich. Thank you.

Well, rich begets rich, Ms. One Percenter. But you can't win because either you talk about the excitement of buying an expensive pair of shoes for yourself and then you're a richie or you talk about being frugal and people are like, stop acting like you're not rich. There is no way to win. Thank you so very much. Mama, sweetie. She has a Range Rover. Darling. But don't forget she doesn't have a driver. I paid cash for it.

Well, we cannot talk about this. This is crazy. Now, when you pulled out of someone's driveway with a stolen vehicle and you threw a handful of nickels out the window, is that what you call paying cash for it? It was eight, eight, eight for silver. It was eight silver coins. It was, um, um, it was a wrong, it was Sacagawea coins. No. And then they were taken and molded into a grill and then later weaponized against me in a horror movie.

So wait, I got to tell you the first topic, the cursed, a film. It was originally called eight for silver aroma, AKA gypsy revenge tale. That is so up my asshole alley. I cannot believe I have not. And I talked to my friend Gretchen, who the writer of manhunt, who's an incredible prolific film critic. She's like, I don't love it. I was like, fuck manhunt.

Okay, that's fine. But I watched it and I gobbled Tina. I did chomp, chomp, chomp, Tina. Gobble, gobble, gobble. I watched it three fucking times. It's a werewolf thingy. I can't wait to watch it. You're gonna love it. It's so bloody. I think he told me about it on stage. It's so gruesome. This is the teeth buried, right? Yes. Yeah, I gotta watch that. It's on your giant television, Rich. Okay.

You know, David Silver. Rich. Secret. We may or may not have upgraded our television, right? In the new series. It's a Renault thing. Don't tell. And we had a 65 inch frame TV, which I thought was huge. No, no, no. I thought it was huge. But it's measured diagonally. That's what I learned. Fina told me about this. Not rich. Thank you. Going to Best Buy. They measure them. I didn't know that. I didn't either. Mine is like, mine is this.

It is not. At home, I'm like... Squinting. Squinting. I'm like, what's that? What's that? But it's perfect for the room because it's not a big house. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. In Mexico City, I was phone shamed in the elevator by faggots. Did they know who you were? One of the... Okay, you are going to die. You're going to fucking die. Well, first of all, that elevator... You're going to die. I wasn't smart enough for the elevators in that hotel. Thank you. Two elevators? Excuse me. It's like...

Mama, this was like a luxury hotel, Rich. You take one up from the motor court up to the lobby. To the 18th floor. And then you got to go over. No, walk around. 14. 14. And that makes the story really different. I'm glad I pointed it out. Thank you. But some people go left. Others go right. We had to go right because the resident, I don't know who went left. I smoked weed in Mexico. Good luck to you. Maybe with someone who works here. Oh, brr.

rich we're off the clock we're off the clock and i offered her a weed i like bowed and said like you know would you would you you know partake in the clock yes but so gooned we got the wrong elevator hello i mean i don't know how it takes us a nasa degree to to use those elevators so cut to me after the show i'm doing my little boop boopie doop with my earphones and my my my

phone, four faggots walk into the elevator. One of them's like Katya. And I was like, Hey, how are you? The other three faggots could not care less. They're types of people. If you know what I mean, mama, we're going to get there. Oh yeah. It's on my list. The one faggot was like, love your iPhone 10. Do you have an iPhone 10? I had to check.

No, you don't. I don't. But that was uttered. Marcela, I was like, I cackled because Marcela and all the fabulous Mexican people were down in the lobby. And I was like, I just got phone shamed in an elevator in Mexico City for having a poor iPhone, an outdated iPhone. You can use your iPhone till it dies. There is no reason to upgrade it. I love your iPhone 10. What?

What is that? I mean, it says stuck. It's like the tornado. And when you were in childhood, it's like, you don't need to update your phone unless it's fucking broken. Now, do I have the 15 max pro plus with one terabyte of storage? Absolutely. Thank you. I don't even know what this is. This is a Motorola razor. This is a Motorola razor. It's a Nokia. This is a Nokia. Oh, how about this?

Cut to 2001, year 2000. Audrey Snois, a baroness from Belgium, had one of those tiny little Nokias. A baroness from Belgium at Boston University had a tiny, tiny red Nokia that she did with these fingers. Hello? That was the richest phone you could get at the time. And then me in Mexico City with this fucking stupid thing. I love your iPhone X.

It's not wild. Poor shaming in the elevator. That's right up there with saying like cracked screen. Like, I don't know. Well, I don't like that. That'd be like, yeah, no shit. I mean, it's like, I, I hated it so much. I don't like that. It made me, I was like, you are really fucking rotten. It's rotten. I hate it. What did you say to him? Did you laugh? I was incredibly comfortable. No, I felt incredulous. I was like, I was like this. I was like, cause I was hugging the fan.

And then the, his three, um, uh, co whatever you call them, goblin, the, the, the clones, the like the, uh, the clones who like, we're going to go take a G and go to, um, you know, whatever. And then I was like, I was incredulous. I was like, what the fuck? And then I joked about with Marcy and all those people. I was like, I just got phone shamed in an elevator for having a poor outdated iPhone. It was so cunty, so cunty.

I was like, those people should get the death penalty tonight. And I'm prepared to do it via guillotine. They're lucky they didn't say that shit to me.

Oh, mama. What would you have said? I would have said, oh, are you paying to be here on vacation? Well, I'm here working. Rich. Yeah. So. Yeah. So climb into your Uber, not your black car, you poor faggot, and go straight to H-E-double hockey sticks. Nice iPhone 10. Ew. I know, I know, but. I don't like. I know. I don't like.

I'm going to say iPhone Xs have the best sound. Thank you. Thank you. Love.

Jesse St. Kiel. Pre-master. It's so good. Lady Bunyan, pre-master. My love. I love Lady Bunny. I love Lady Bunny. She is...

The bunion. Do you think she, do you think she knows that you and I like love her? Oh no, I know. Oh, we are bunny fan. I know. But whenever I talk to her, I don't say, you know, you're one of my favorite drag queens ever. She doesn't know that you do. Okay. Really? No. I literally dress like her and DJ like her and wear her size wigs. But maybe she hasn't picked up on it. I,

I'm not just in love with her. I'm single white female in her. You are Jennifer Jason Leigh behind Bridget Fonda. When I was like 17, I saw a picture of her on the internet and it was like a record scratch. I was like, what? I saw a picture of her and Amanda and I was like, something's going on.

Something's going on that I need to put in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the way that I love Lady Bunny is rated X for extra you-know-what. Yeah. I shoot for Lady Bun- I shoot for Amanda Lepore if I look like Lady Bunny. Lady Bunyan. Yeah. She's amazing. Lady Bun- the voice-

And Bianca and I were talking about it because I, there was a moment where I had, I had thought that perhaps her brain had been turned into mushy bananas. Cause if you follow her on social media, she's a very active political voice. Let's say that can become very confusing. She's and she's, she's fired up. Yeah. Yeah. She's Rachel, Rachel mad now. Yes. Oh my Rachel.

mad now. She's Rachel Maddow. Totally. Bunny's paying attention and she is not affiliated with any particular party. She hates them all equally. She hates them all and she fucking should. I'll speak for myself only.

She's only, she's a very, very. That was Jill Biden. Do you know that Lauren asked me if Dr. She wanted us to meet Dr. Jill Biden. Who's Lauren? Remember my friend from Mexico? Oh, right, right, right. She works for a nonprofit. And they were like, would you like to meet Dr. Jill Biden? I was like, I think Trixie was invited to the White House and told to bring her own lawn chair so she can go. They told me to bring a blanket to sit on and drag. It was July. You better rise up. People all over the world. It was July.

Let me tell you. Oh, it's like, it better come with four secret service people carrying an air conditioning unit. Like what in the fuck back to Bunyan? She's so I, the voice. Yeah. It, the voices is so intoxicated. She's gorgeous. She's gorgeous.

She's gorgeous in drag. She always has been. And honey, her live sets, her comedy sets, they kill no matter what, no matter where, no matter how. She's amazing. Like I had the privilege of touring with her many times when my comedy sets were rotten, horrible and terrible. And she was like watching the UK crowds and the European crowds go up for her like prerecorded laugh in style. Set up punchline. It's just incredible.

She's bomb. Yeah. She's so I've, I've parroted back some of her jokes to her that would not go over well today. No. You know, so I was, I can't even fucking say it.

I would just say for many of you who like us, you would be disappointed in us that we love her. That's all. I'm just going to say that about her comedy. You would be mad at us that we like her. Give me one margarita. That I cannot take. You're like, so you take one drink and you saw off your leg. And then 14 drinks later, you're criticizing Todrick Hall.

That's what it says. She's like, two margaritas and I cut off my leg. And then like, 14 margaritas that criticize Todrick Hall. Yeah, it was like, that's worse than cutting your legs off? Yes. The flow is not there. The logical narrative makes no sense, Ms. Bunyan. And also the inaudible.

The fucking the, and then you got Flotilla DeBarge coming through in a hallway on a, on a Nokia Razor phone audio. Girl, it's so, it's so assaulting to the ear holes. Yeah. And if you honestly, if you want to get into beauty,

Look for, go to Google, look for like lady bunny headshot. Bunny's glamor shots are on fucking paralleled. These Chris March wigs or whoever makes her Marco that are six stories tall. Yeah. Her skin, the jawline. She has the jawline up. She looks like fucking dusty spring. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect lashes. Yeah. She is gorgeous. So gorgeous. And, and, and thankfully mostly unrecognizable out of drag. Um,

I think Bianca jokes as Ben Franklin or Jeff Daniels, but you wouldn't clock her out of drag. And she's just so, she's one of my favorite people on planet Earth. She's amazing. Not to mention, I'm just going to be honest, she's 21 and she doesn't have tons of work done. The fact that she looks great in drag. I know. And she was roommates with RuPaul in Atlanta, Chattanooga, Tennessee. Did you know that she worked at the same restaurant as Leslie Jordan and they were server and busboy together? No.

Oh my God. Imagine those people coming to your table. You better rise up. People all over the world not going to get their food. I think Bunny was the server and I think Leslie Jordan was the boss boy. That is DTM. That's doing too much. That's DTF. They're probably doing anal. That's Billy Eichner and Cola Scola in Difficult People. They're boberting at the... You know Bunny was probably trolling for cock in Chattanooga at 20, probably serving to Eno.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I've told this story, I think on the pod. I came across her Craigslist ad once.

And it was the most succinct, perfectly written. It was the template for, it was the most incredible piece of writing. I was like, I know this person. I don't know how I came across it, but I was like, this person's crazy look at it is the best written ad I've ever read. It was incredible. It was a little bit lighthearted. It said exactly who she was, what she wanted and what she, it was so, it was pitch perfect. Yeah.

It was pitch perfect. Do you remember anything about it? Yes. So it'd be like, I'm this, this, this looking for this, this, this, and this is what I want. And it, and I, I'm not going to tell her tea obviously, but like in just in terms of, you know, Craigslist ads back in the day were often not cap, you know, no punctuation, no, no punctuation, uh, Harlan area word. Yeah. This was like, I'm a, I'm a hot bunny hopping cross dresser in a lovely, um, um, blue dress looking for a blank, blank, blank to go do, do, do. This is what I'm willing to do.

This is what I'm not willing to do. This is where I live. Should you be around? Come over and say hi. Like that. And it was, I wish I could share the whole thing and she would be horrified, but it was the fantasy. She's the fantasy. And, and, and, and, and,

Oh God, I love her so much. She's amazing. She's amazing. God damn. That bitch cracks me up. Yeah. And she, thank God the days are pretty much over where I have to endure the edible phone calls because I'm like 20 on the phone tree list, you know, like number 20. And she's like, ooh.

I'm like, okay. And I just put the phone down and put on speaker and then I do my business. And then 25 minutes later, she's still singing. You know, it's crazy, but not anymore. By the way, the nerve of you, like I don't have voicemails like that from you. You better rise up. Do you remember the time I played a voicemail? And you said, who is that? No. Oh yes, I do. I do. I do. I do. I said, who is that? I said, that's you. We have to play it again. I still have it. You better rise up.

I called Ash Gordon last night by mistake and talked at her for 45 minutes while there was Torlina going on outside in the neighborhood. Let me tell you, you better rise up, you better be up. People all over the world, leave me a voicemail. Hello? Hello, hi. Hello. Good evening. Hi. Cordial. Very cordial. I wanted to test out a pickup line on you. Hello? Hello.

I lived it. I feel like it's a reductress article. That's Renee Fleming, soprano at Boston Conservatory. That was Renee Fleming, actually. Renee Flem. She's the Boston Symphony Orchestra doing Aida. That was the soprano Renee Fleming. Renee Fleming eats.

Oh, yeah. I'm not even a big fan of classical operatic music. Miss Marlee Fleming? Oh, she's chomping. The buffet is nowhere to be found. Can we talk about... We gotta talk about Puerto Vallarta. You better rise up. You think we weren't gonna... Puerto Vallarta. People all over the world. Where's my camera? Let me tell you. Did you think we were gonna come here and not talk about the turd?

Did you think we weren't going to talk about the fucking turd? Girl. I had forgotten about the El Turdo. Yes. So what happened in Puerto Vallarta, there's this party called Beef Dip, which is already, I love the bears. That's straining. That's already. That's straining. You know, I don't know if I want to get in the water at a place called Beef Dip. That's straining the lines of taste. Yes. Even for gay folk, I would say. I get it. It's beefy guys. They're taking a dip in the pool. Makes a lot of sense. Is that the Mantimar Resort where Peaches Christ got married? Have you ever been?

I've never been to PV. Okay. It's like a big gay resort. Really nice place. Great service, great food, great rooms. I can't say nothing bad about the resort, but they can't control what people do when they get there. And I can tell that from the Trixie motel, we can't control what people do. Hello. Um, so there's a beef dip party. So many guys, right? You know, bears in a pool. There's already a, there's already a light hygiene issue. I know that from bear town, bear week in P town. And in what way? But the bears get out of the pool and it's,

There's no more water left in it. It's a type of soup with miso soup. It's kind of that cloudy water with debris. That is so disgusting to me. That is so... Oh my God. I love the bears. I'll get in there and drink the water. I don't care.

The stew of people is something I have never, ever got on board with. Bears or anybody. It's cunt. Is it? Well, it's fun to have like a drink and stand in a pool that goes up to like your belly button and like just be in there with your friends. It's fun. Are people peeing in the pool? Well, we can't control. By the way, I have a friend who's like, well, I'm not come over just so you know, I pee in pools. And I was like, well, I guess we're not going in the pool then. Absolutely not. I don't pee in the pool, bitch. Mama, there's sharks in there.

Girl, you ever been in a pool all day with people and you get out to pee three times and no one else does? You better rise up. People all over the world. People in the pool. So Puerto Vallarta, I get alerted. I get alerted by the press. By Lauren Boebert. By random gay guys who text me saying that somebody pooped in the pool and it was a hard turd. And I said, no way. And I was sent photos of a...

A lovely hospitality professional. Having to fish that turd out. Having to fish the turd out while gay people like stood by and watched and filmed. Gawked. Like...

I get why we're filming because we're gay and we're horrible. Filming a woman while she fishes a turd out. It is unbelievable. She's doing a service for all of you that she should not have to fucking do. I would have flung that turd at a camera. I would have palmed it with my bare fucking human hand to be like smushed it in somebody's face in their iPhone 10. Yeah. In their iPhone 10. The turd in the pool. Well, how do you let loose a turd in the pool? Do you just... Pools get cleaned, filtered, chlorinated,

That pool will be up in working order, I'm sure. Well, back in the day, in the 90s in the movies, they'd have to, a turd at floater, you had to drain the pool and acid wash it. This is like a well-trodden theme in pool movies.

It's so crazy. But it wasn't, what I'm fascinated by is it wasn't diarrhea. It was a hard turd. So someone went, all right, we're pushing. Like Lamaze. Because you also push the turd out. Because it's a water birth. Exactly. Which is the best way to introduce a baby to the world. Thank you. But they didn't, you know.

They just let it go. It was a drowner. I think they were kind of offering it up. Thank you. It was a little like a mother. Like they eat the baby after Jennifer Lawrence gives birth to it. Didn't see that. Oh, I spoiled it. Sorry. David told me it's bad, but your friend would love it.

Did you love it? I saw it in Australia with a promoter at Brisbane, Harry. He's like, well, I hated that movie so much. I hated it so much. But you liked it. I enjoyed it. It was a biblical allegory that was one of the most unconventionally structured movies I've ever seen. It's wild. Okay. I don't think you would love it. It seems like Eileen. Oh, no, honey. It's...

It's a crazier journey than Miss Mother is giving Pussy Anna. Oh, okay. It's crazier. Oh, it's insanity. I'm not artistically smart with that shit. Films like that, heady films, I'm the first one in the room going, what's happening? You're going to wonder. I didn't get any of the biblical allegory shit. Michelle Pfeiffer is literally like, they have Cain and Abel, Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer, not Cain and Abel.

everybody's a biblical fucking care. It's a biblical shit allegory. And then there's some mysterious elements. It's a whole thing. I, none of that was apparent to me while I watched it. What was apparent was it was just insane and very bizarre and, and structured. Like, so it ramped up. It went from this small, crazy thing to this,

fucking huge set piece of chaos and then eating babies mama there was like it was so wild it was wild it was unforgettable absolutely unforgettable jennifer lawrence ate it up she was married to the she was fucking the director at the time darren aronofsky is that the uncut gems person no that is a wreck room for a dream he's a he did wreck room for a gym that's the safty brothers

That was a lovely picture. Have you ever seen True Beverly Hills? Yeah, Shelley Long. Great movie. Mara Vista. How many boxes is that? So she's the rich hero. She's the rich hero and a redhead. She makes me want to have red hair. Mama, you looked so cunt in that outfit and that hair for True Beverly Hills. So cunt. I loved those outfits. It was so cunt. That was cunty. That's how I met Amy who's sewn for you and I, but she's sewn for me for like five years. And you want to talk about Diva? You want to talk about Diva?

Amy? That whore. Oh, yeah. At amysars on Instagram. She makes all my outfits and a lot of your outfits. Yeah. And all my good ones. Anything good I wear, it's in my hair. A liner, zippers, real buttons, a tag. You better rise up. It's like, and I think I've talked about this before. She's about my dress size and her husband Aaron is my male height, male shoe size shoulders. So they together can check my costumes for fit. And that's why all my costumes fit.

Mama, when I slip on a Sarazan custom couture, I feel like Pussy Anna.

She's like, well, I didn't want it to ride up, so it has a built-in panty. And then I made a liner for the panty. Yeah, I also took the liberty of ironing your homework. Yeah, totally. It's like shoulder pads, check. Applicate, check. Hand-sewn buttons all in a row, check. Everything, lining, check. Our tour costumes, she sewed sheer mesh over the sequin. So on stage, it looked like sequin, but up close, our skin didn't touch. How about me having dumbbells of everything because of the sweating? Miss Sarazen came in through. Came in through.

Different quality than you're sewing? I would say perhaps. It's sort of like the difference between Yves Saint Laurent and Shein. Right, right. Something like that. Although Shein does have... Although the stitching on Shein... Is not suspect. Yeah, and they got zippers that don't buckle. Oh.

You're like, I'll be fired from Sheehan. Totally. Well, David Macy gave me a dress from Sheehan that I was going to wear to the pod today, but I thought it was a little too crossy. And it's a woman's body and a woman on the back and front and it's sheer sleeves and then a pussy. My butt looks amazing. I was like, oh, wow. I wore it last night and then I yanked it in the bed. You better rise up. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. I remembered what I was going to talk about. Oh, sorry. No, sorry. So are we done with the turd though?

Well, I guess I wish her the best. I feel bad for her. The turd or the person? Well, the turd, she didn't have the dignity of just being flushed on a toilet. The turd had to be birthed in the pool and then everyone like Carrie at the prom laughed at her. The turd, this is just a turd. The turd is a turd. But like what? And by the way, you know what I thought about faggot? Who was the coupleable party? You guys know what I'm saying, faggot? I thought about some faggot had to

Get out of the pool and look around and go, Oh no, a turd. I can't believe someone had to do acting. Yeah. Shelly Long. There was Shelly Long. So then the turd is watching her mother disown her in a group of people. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's Carrie White's mom. I almost wish the person would have grabbed it and been like, I'll get it. It's me. Yeah. Like,

Also, did they like, was their Speedo just like the little Salt Girl, Morton Salt Girl? Coppertone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not Morton Salt. No, it is. Oh, no, you're right. It's Coppertone. But you know what I'm talking about. It's like, did you fuck the Salt Girl? No!

You pulled the panties off the Morton salt curl. You better rise up. So did somebody, did a little dog in the pool, like bite down the Speedo and that has the turd escaped? Do you know what I mean? Maybe they were cleaning out. Like maybe they cleaned out because they met a gentleman caller and they said, well, she's in the pool. Maybe. You never know. It's PV.

Mama, that is some shenanigans and tomfoolery that I am not equipped to deal with on any level whatsoever. And I have never been to one of these pool parties I've been offered many times. Los Angeles and elsewhere. I shan't be attending a soup party where everybody's on G, K, and God knows what else in the blazing sun in some rented mansion in fucking Beverly Hills or wherever. I know that. I've DJed that party a couple times. Cocaine. Plates of cocaine on an island in the pool. Everybody is blotto. And it's just...

a mess. It's not for me. I prefer to do, to have to be a mess by myself, but like, but it's just, it's wild. TV poop visible. Hello. Hello. I mean, it's in the name pool vacuum. You want to come to beef dip and tell me I can't poop. Where's the pool vacuum? Yeah.

The turd. The hard turd. The hard. Well, that's like bunny. Hard turd only. And the pictures of people scooping. Like we don't have to photograph. They should have evacuated and then dealt with it, I think. I think it should have been handled discreetly. It's like you cup the turd. You get the hell out of there. You go home. You get your passport. You go back to America and you never return to Mexico. Yeah.

Honestly. It's so crazy. Have I ever pooped in a pool? No, but you told me that you thought about pooping in the shower. I did. But I said very one, but I said, no. Should I poop? No. But the thought that you have to go, should I? Don't make me sing. Don't make me sing energy. Wait, what about the people who threw cans of soup at the Mona Lisa?

love no no no love she's behind glass ho that's what I'm saying they ain't fucking with her she's a little she's this big she's the size of an iPhone 10 and she's behind 1400 inches of fucking plexiglass ain't nothing happening to her that's what I'm saying I said girl nothing happening to her and I believe they're protesting like lack of food by wasting food I thought they were protesting I thought it was climate change I don't know they were it was probably PETA but don't waste the food

Oh, the Campbell soup. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's, it's wild people. You know, I think it's like, I, what I appreciate is the energy and the, um, the effort. Of course. Because we got to fight for, we got to, we have to, we cannot be complacent. The world is falling apart. Right. And, and you got to get off your phones into the streets. And I appreciate that. Really? Yeah.

Sincerely. I mean, I don't know if it doesn't matter if it, maybe it's about TikTok. Maybe it's about Sarah Jessica Parker. I guess we heard about it. So the statement was made, but unfortunately in that sense, I heard about this can of soup. Yeah. The cause didn't make it to me. So I don't know if it. See things I don't, I go, I don't go up for like a red fur, like red paint on fur on the runway like that. I do not. I'm not. I think that's like, okay. Interesting. But it's, I don't know.

Yeah. But I'm not the right person to talk to when it comes to animal rights. Yeah. Or fur. Same. I am fascinated by Anna Wintour's insistence on using fur in fashion and the production and promotion of fur pieces. And I'm very fascinated by that. It's interesting. Because I don't... So the thing about animal rights...

is that they don't have rights. There's no reason to torture animals. There's no reason to torture animals. That's crazy. Why are you going to torture animals? But animals don't have rights. We have rights because we've decided that we have rights. Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, I mean...

Animals do not have rights. There's certain things that cruelty to animals is... I think one of the big things about movements like that is it's about speciesism. We are also animals and we have declared that we have more rights than the other animals. That's the issue, I think. But also we declare that other parts of our species do not have rights, certainly. Tea. Yeah. Tea. But I don't understand. America's national shame. Mama. Sarah Silverman's old joke about if Africa were filled with dogs with AIDS, we would have solved that shit in 10 days.

I don't get it. If Africa, if Africa, if Africa's was filled with like dogs, like Labradoodles with AIDS, our sympathy and effort would be so much that we would have solved that in 10 days. Are you kidding me? Of course. It'd be on the news every day. Yeah. And then it would be squashed and solved in 10 days. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. But so that's interesting. I sent you that. I sent you that clip about fetish barbering.

Oh, I didn't watch it because I don't like it. There's hair splinters. I was watching this homosexual and they were talking about fetish barbering and they were like, it's a type of barbering where you're getting your haircut, but like, what if my nuts accidentally brush against your arm? Which I've all been there. But I think it's playing to, I think for some people getting a haircut is sexual or they want it to turn sexual.

Mama, you know what I think of? Hair splinters. That's what I think of. In beauty school, we would go home with, I would have slivers from hair. Yeah. Is it hard to get a hair sliver out? Oh, yes, I do, Miss Mary. You can't even see it. We are blonde. Even worse. Mama, yes, I do. Because you know why? I shave my genitals and then I am an avid masturbator. Do you know what happens when you have- You shave your whole dick fur off? Everything. Balls, dick, thing, just not up here.

Also been wearing thongs recently. Very embarrassing. But you get hair splinters because you have to upkeep that shit all the time because you get the spiky ingrown hairs. Hair splinters. I worry about you living alone, but I'm happy you live alone. Of course you are. Mary, I'm a lone wolf. I'm happy no one lives with you. Does that make sense? Yes. Say it again.

Like if you had a roommate, I'd be like, we need to get in touch with her. Yeah, yeah. We need to get her out of there like a FEMA trailer or something. Yeah, airlifted out of the Sudan. Yeah. Fina Barbatal, FEMA trailer. Yeah. No, but I mean, I've seen these videos. They even do OnlyFans videos, certain – Barbershit. Yeah. I'm sure it's a common boner thing. I'm sure. Well, you know what I think of when I think of getting a haircut? I think of chatting about vacation with some faggot and I just want to – I don't want to talk about it. Like, so we're going on vacation. We're going on vacation. Yeah.

And I was like, I don't take vacations. And then it's the stress of having to do chit chat. Whereas like, I appreciate just the, the feel of having a haircut. So I started going to a straight barbers and they don't want to talk to some bag. No, they just do the fade or the whatever. And then they get you out of there in 20 minutes. Fierce. The half-hearted Floyd's barbershop massage with the thingy for 10 seconds. You know what I'm talking about? Oh yeah. The,

Well, girl, I went to an Aveda Institute of Beauty and Wellness and we had to give a full scalp massage or hand massage. We had to give a scalp massage pre-haircut. I love it. A good five minutes with oil. It's incredible. It's fierce. And then while color was processing or while someone... Well, this is like, this is salon stuff though. This is salon stuff. Yeah. And I guess I get it because the instructors were always like, listen, they

they can get a haircut anywhere. - Yeah, this is an experience. - It's the bells and whistles that make them come back to you. And if they cheat on you and they don't get the hair massage, scalp massage, they're like, oh, that's why I go to that person. - And it's all that stuff. 'Cause I mean, I don't understand, I love being bald. I don't, and I, you know, but these, a lot of women spend two days out of their month for four hours in the salon.

It's wild. You know, cut, color, shampoo, all that crap. You know what I mean? It's wild. They have a whole thing. Their whole Sunday is like four or five hours at the salon. It's wild. Yeah. When I worked at the front desk at the salon and we had definitely some wealthy women who had like blood

Blowouts every Friday. At least came and get their blowout done every Friday. Yeah. Roots touch up every two weeks. Yeah. Full cut every month. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Yeah. Hundreds of dollars. Color, three, $400. Oh yeah. The colorists made the most money because the colorists can also have an assistant. Yep. The washer, they have to get the girls. Sometimes we'll have someone mix the color.

And they'll apply it or they'll mix the color and have an assistant apply it. And because color needs time to process, you would double stack appointments. So while somebody's under the machine, you would be doing the next one. Colorists can make so much money. Mama, Destiny in Boston, the trans woman, fabulous woman that me and Fina performed with for many years at Jock's, she's an incredible,

She worked her way up from the salon hierarchy, which is so fascinating. Yeah. You can start as a sweeping hair, a front desk. Yep. And then you become a shampooer. Then you become an assistant. And you can get education in salon. Yep. I don't want to be a cheater to beauty school. But in this country, there are two ways to legally get your license. One is to go to beauty school and take a state board test. You pay for, depending on the state, Wisconsin was 1,800 hours. Okay.

Beauty school education costs at least 20 grand. Okay. Wow. Or you can go work at a salon to do an apprenticeship and get paid to learn to do hair. Yeah. Because anybody who does hair will tell you that,

They finished beauty school, but they didn't really learn hair until they were in salon. Yeah. It's a craft skill. I mean, it's like making sculpture. It's like you just learn it by doing it. Those apprenticeships are like so important. I think more people should do apprenticeships because then you get paid to gain this skill. Yeah. Because who the fuck has the time to like not work?

You know what I mean? You're at least getting minimum wage, which is much better than nothing. Yeah. And while you're at beauty school, you can't work. Hello. So if you're a full-time student, that means you're stacking serving shifts or whatever your night job is. And you're exhausted and tired. And it's crazy. It was when I was at beauty school was at the time, the most stressed I've ever been. I believe it. I was doing Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, 11 hours a day. I was in an accelerated program. So I would do 11 hours a day, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Thursday mornings I work at the salon Thursday nights I do drag in Madison I was like destiny Then Friday I'd be in the morning at the salon And then at night I would be doing drag And then drag and I still worked at MAC That's what fucking did that was like Do like her all day at the salon Fucking crazy 16 hour days Yeah my car would have like drag My mall outfits and my beauty school outfits And I'd be just like in parking lots changing Meanwhile I'm like stealing stuff From the costume shop three days a week And then calling out of my drag gig at night

That's about the same level of stress. You better rise up. You better, you know, people all over the world. Yeah. Now peeing in pools is no.

No, we pee in the ocean. We do not pee in pools. We don't pee in pools. Okay. My parents' pool growing up, not rich, Hurricane Bob. We had above ground pool. Hurricane Bob dropped a tree on that. That was a wrap. And then they splurged. Yeah. In the nineties. Fierce. That's Hurricane Bianca's movie. And then Bob the Dragon, Hurricane Bob. Yes. The threequel. Yeah. The sequel, whatever. It was, you have a family pool, a private pool. You pee in that. It's fine. But you don't. Cause you got a bathroom, Mary. You got toilet. You got plumbing. Or if you're a boy. Like,

Take five steps And pee on a tree Thank you Pee on a tree Chihuahua does it Raul Luis He would circle the perimeter Do his little Tootsie turds And then piss And then that's what you do You just go You know Yeah I pee in the sink Famously

There's something to that. Yeah. It's a urinal. I don't want to like the seat gets all when you speak out splashing everywhere. He is very acidic though. Do you think that like pipe like pipes in the kitchen can handle. Oh not in the kitchen. It's in the bathroom. Oh bathroom. But I always then I do a big thing a mouthwash and then Drano every time afterwards. Just kidding.

I've never seen Hurricane Bianca 2. Oh, can I tell you about it? Yeah. Okay. The movies are back. Yeah, yeah. Six years later. Plug your movie from six years ago. Yes, please. Well, because I was talking to Matt Kugelman, the director, about doing another version that's kind of a porno.

Kind of a porno? He's not interested in that concept. But we did have another concept that was really tantalizing. But securing funding for a movie we found as an independent project is a little bit more complicated than you might imagine. But Molly Ryman and I, this wonderful woman, girl, we worked night shifts. We shot that shit in New York overnight. At Hurricane Bianca? Uh-huh. We shot from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. We did overnight shifts.

To save money. It was exhausting, but it was like, it was like, and I got to have sex with Dakota Payne, a wonderful porn star. I did not realize he's a gorgeous guy working on his PA, gorgeous porn stars. Like that guy is so hot, Eric Poth. And he was probably so horrified for me to tell that out loud that he fucked a goblin, but he, he let me do sex to him a few times. It was fierce. And then we had a blast. I mean, I don't care if the movie is any good, but it's like, it was so fun. It was so fun.

I've not seen it. No, I don't suggest that you do. I saw the first one. The first one's where she's a teacher, right? I haven't seen that one. She's a teacher, right? She's a science teacher. It's like Miss Viola Swamp. Yes, I've seen her. Oh yeah, the kids don't act great so she comes to school in drag. Yeah, it was fun. Janine Garofalo and I smoked many cigarettes together. She was incredible. Fucking Alan Cumming. So when we did Romy and Michelle, you're like, I know all these people.

Well, I did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, I've, I've known them from ever. Like I've known of them. There is smoking cigarettes with Janine Garofalo is one of the honors of my life. Hello. She's so cunty. It was just so, and the cast was amazing. And my, my cool woman's amazing. And Bianca is amazing to work with. Bianca is fabulous. My dream. And I don't know if Alan Cummings is listening to this. I'm sure he is. Oh yeah.

My 20 year high school reunion. He's so talented. I want to take him to my 20 year high school reunion so I can go with Sandy Frank. Do you know how talented that man is? Yeah, of course. Theatrically? The traitors. The house, the traitors. But, but he did like, he played all the parts in fucking like Hamlet or something on a show or something crazy like that. He was in Cabaret. Yes. He was in Cabaret. He was, yeah. Joel Grey's character. Incredible. Yes. Incredible. David Silver saw him in Cabaret. He filmed a show, him and, um,

I'm going to mess up her name. Lauren Boebert. Margolis. Lauren Boebert. She was in Harry Potter. She played Professor Sprout. Oh, yeah. I don't know her. I know the name though. Can you look it up? I don't want to get the name right. It's Lauren Boebert. Congresswoman Lauren Boebert. Yes. Miriam Margolis. Miriam Margolis and Alan Cummings shot something at the Trixie Motel. Wow. And then you and I did something with Alan Cummings, didn't we?

He directed like a pod thing we did. Mama. Well, he, so he did, um, I did the, the, the white hot heist with him. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I was on that too. Yeah. Yeah. It was fierce. I got to work with, I had scenes with John Cameron Mitchell. We played Russian and my Russian was really well, cause my Russian is good. And my, um, it was so, it was like a, such a, it was like a kind of a really intimidating. And then I realized that my version was better than his. Do you think John Cameron Mitchell gets embarrassed of his,

People just telling him all the time how much Hedwig like changed their life. I don't think so. Not embarrassed, but do you think he's like. No, he's so nice. Okay. He's like really down to earth. I almost feel bad when artists do something that has such a major impact because they probably get annoyed about hearing it. But you know, like when we were talking to a certain film actress and producer the other day, you know, they were like,

If it's good and they liked it, then I'm sure that they don't mind. But when you're, when they have to be dishonest about it, where they, how they, they can't say how they really feel about it. I'm sure there's probably some tension there. Like, you know, they got to promote a movie and it's, it's not so great and they can't say it. And then, you know, years later they're like, Oh, I loved you in this. It's like, well, for example, I got a $2,000 residual check from the worst gig in my life.

retraumatized all the way to that wells fargo uh bank app i was like t i was like thank god because that was fucking horrible and i'm glad to get these residuals thank you fran you know yeah but like you know the people who um the art the actors who want more residuals and like fight for that they need to pick less rich people to talk on that because i do feel like sometimes when it's

Somebody who has tens of millions of dollars in the bank. Yeah, not exactly. Yeah. I almost am like the working actor. Like that bitch you've seen in 10 commercials who like you know her face. Yeah.

she should talk about how much residuals mean to her yeah she's like it helps me pay my mortgage thank god it's like i can get my car payment up and running without my fucking um my little nickelodeon residuals or whatever they're essential who have like multi-million dollar lancome ads and stuff like four houses in 12 continents yeah do you even go to the bank with those you're not even the person who cashes those i don't believe there's a limit on the wells fargo app for that kind of coinage honey i know i think it's 30 or 35 it depends on your account rich

You better rise up. You better chill. I'm so hungry. Hey, you better chill. What was that? You better lay low. That's Cher. Cher is Whitney. You better lay low. Shitney. Shitney. Shitney. Somebody, is this Vena calling? Shitney Houston.

Thank you so much, everybody. I had a blast today. Did you? I sure did. Do we have anything you want to tell them to listen to? Yes, I do. I do. I do. I do. What you got? It's Corazon, the C-O-R-A-Z-O-N by Maruv. It's a single. It's her first Spanish language single from the Ukrainian artist Maruv. Corazon. Check it out on Apple, iTunes, or music, podcasts, wherever you get your tunes. Okay, bye.

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