Truckstop Trysts and Bushwacked Behinds with Trixie and Katya
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Hey it's Trixie before the episode starts today I just want to remind you it's pride month Trixie Motel season two is out on max Katya's in it Orville Peck's in it Vader pumps in it it's a great season David and I bought a house in Hollywood and the second season is us keeping the motel going and renovating our dream home at the same time the house is so fucking beautiful you guys it's a

A very high level of intimacy to show my relationship in my house this much. And you will love it. It's such a good season. And check it out on Max all month long during Pride. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I was just selling Avon on the corner. So I popped out to your balcony to have a cigarette. Of course, I look like a freak. And people are like pointing and laughing at me. I think not laughing at me, but they're like, wow, wow, look at that. And I was thinking, I was like, they're laughing with you. Yes.

They were like, wow, that's an interesting thing. Look at that. Right. And I was like, you know what? I'm not the one. Don't try it with me, bitch. Not today. I was like, I was thinking of like, you know, it's such a funny thing that drag queens often look, you know, they're colorful, you know, it's like a, oh, wow. And like, get the fuck away from me. You know what I mean? Do I know what you mean? You wrote the book on it. Honey, have you ever seen me trying to get from my hotel room to the vehicle, to the venue?

If a single straight person even goes, Oh wow. Yeah. I am this closed when they're like, well, look at that. You just look great. I'm like, yeah, isn't it? Great.

I was like, well, you look awful. What's your excuse? They're like, big night. I'm like, nope. Just keep walking. Like, I'm just not fucking talking to them. Drag is not consent. I'm like, I'm not on stage. Yeah. Especially straight people because they're not Trixie fans. They just see a drag queen. So when I feel that power of I'm not even Trixie to you, I can just say fuck off. I know. I know. I was just like... I know. Drag is dangerous. Dangerous in the fact that I could literally take off my shoe and throw it at your fucking face. Yeah. I'm not...

I'm not into talking to people in the lobby at hotels in drag. I'm just not. No, I don't. I, yeah, I, I'm, I mean, I'm, I've been a little bit surly and irascible in the last few weeks. Um, and I am not the one currently. And even currently not the one, like a group of straight women will be like, you look so you'll be like, you look pretty. And I'm just like, don't you think I know that?

It's like, oh my God, I had no idea. I had no idea during the three hours it took me to stay in front of the mirror and make this all happen. And that sounds surly, but I don't like feeling like straight people's little play thing they saw that day. I just always feel like straight people feel like I owe them some kind of specialized interaction in drag. They get nothing of the sort. Girl, just make a fucking Trevor Project donation. Leave me alone. Just film your no hate campaign photo shoot.

We need to bring those back. No. All hate. All hate. Because I am also, it's not just straight people. I also hate gay people. Me too. Well, I hate gay people most of all. That's the one thing conservatives and gay people have in common. Yeah. We hate gay people. We hate gay people. And for all you gay people listening, stop listening to this podcast. I hate you. I hate you.

Get back in the closet, bitch. You know? Ugh. I was talking to Mistress about this. You know what Mistress Isabel Brooks said to me? What? I was like, what kind of guys do you like? She said, you know what? Men used to build houses. They used to win wars. Men used to be men. I said, you better work, conservative bitch. Mistress was like, no. All right, Marjorie Taylor Greene. Mistress was like, any of that. Mistress told me any of that they, them. Oh, my God.

Fierce. That's so fierce. I love a drag queen being like, why aren't the real men men? There used to be boys and there's girls, but what's this? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. I mean, the only reason I'm horny for men like that is because they might not know who we are.

And that makes me horny. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, I mean, and I'm not talking to gays who are like, I'm just not a drag race gay. Tell me you hate yourself or don't tell me you hate yourself. If you've avoided drag race at this point that long and you're gay, you hate yourself. I know. And you know what? It's interesting because there is a porn guy called Tim Kruger. Have you heard of Tim Kruger? I think I have. Yeah, Tim Tales? Yes. Gutted? Gut bottom? No.

No. Oh. No. Jesus, no. He's... I believe he's a German man. He's very... He's like white dude with like ginger beard. A huge cock. Right. Huge cock. And his website, Tim Tales, has been around forever. And I think he lives in Spain. And he...

He's famous for like fucking people in his living room and on the balcony, like in the shower and the beautiful likes, I think it's probably Barcelona or something. I don't know. And anyways, he is, uh, he's not afraid to like, he looks very masculine. You would never know that he was gay. And, but he's not afraid to be like cool and down with the Queens. Like a lot of, um, like, um,

super like I don't I don't pay attention to drag race gays are while they're secretly the flamiest faggots do you know what I mean do I know yes of course

Like you're not, you're not a drag race. You're like, Oh, I'm not that gay. But you are at the Atlantis gay cruise wearing the stupidest fucking white party outfit. Oh my God. Like the shittiest harness. The worst, least imagination. Well, the theme was Neverland. Oh yeah. I wore teeny little butterfly wings and like a, and like a purple jock strap over my like flat white ass. But drag race is too gay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but drag race is too much. I don't like, but, but,

What does it mean when you're like, when you're face down in a puddle of poppers getting railed for 48 hours straight? Is that not gay? I'm not really sure. I don't understand sort of people's issue with that, but I don't pray for them. It just tells me everything I need to know. Yeah. It's, I don't know. Yeah. Straight people have like pick me girls or you're not a girl's girl. Pick me girl. You know what I'm saying? Pick me girl. And I think for gay world, what does that mean exactly? Honey.

It's I know you've told me like 30 times, but I, I have to understand is pick me girl is a girl who kind of like in front of men, maybe like tears down other women to kind of like competitive. Yes. Okay. And not a girl's girl is sort of like, you don't put your female relationships before your male rose before hose. Yeah. Okay.

Pick me girl. You're a pick me girl. I'm a pig me girl. A pig me out. Yeah. No, I'm a pig me. I'm like a short fat girl. Do you know what Peaches Christ, when Peaches Christ puts a corset on, she calls it the pigging. Isn't that cunty? It's time for the pigging. The pigging. The pigging. The thickening. I don't know about corsets.

I clearly don't. I don't know about corsets. I don't either. I, you know, I'm, I'm looking at going on the road again, watch out America. And, um, I am trying to, that's crazy by the way. That's crazy by the way. What?

What? The thought of going on a big, long tour like that. I'm not a big, long... Get out of here. I'm talking about little wiggle dates. I'm talking about Wiggle Tina. You talking about lip syncing? Yeah. Love that. I know. Love that. Love that. I'm just going to be honest. Love that. Because I think what you and I do is cute. Yeah.

But I really am in my drag era. I'm into lip syncing. I'm into bad brunch jokes. I'm into feather boas. I'm into sequined body suits. I'm into one-armed cat suits with hooker boots, whip crack, mp3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got the strength, strength, strength, the joy, joy, joy. I think you and I need to get back to lip syncing. Well, so here's my quandary because I am a lover of music. I'm just not a lover of music that anybody else loves.

So that's true. That's, that's the problem I'm living. You know, I have been listening to lots of new music. I enjoy many, many musics, but I don't know. I honestly, I, I, okay. So like one of our friends was like, Oh, you could go out there and do anything. You could take a shit on the stage and people would love it. I was like, that's not helpful. That's not helpful. And it's insulting. It's insulting. It's not, it's insulting to me. It's insulting to people who come see me. It's insulting to everybody. Who said it? Was it?

Oh God. But I was like, well, that's not helpful as I'm trying to like maintain some shred of dignity as I struggle against foreclosure. Yeah.

Chase is coming for that ass bitch. Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac are knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door. Yeah. Mail staff. Yeah. Oh my God. And also, also a foreclosure and not to mention, um, uh, card cards denied. Oh yeah. All of it. Mama funds frozen. And I'm not helping you. Yeah. No, I, I, I would never dream of it. Yeah. I've been ever dream. I know how cheap you are. Thank you. Mama. I would be, I would be, I would be covered in shit on the side of the road. Thumb and for rides.

before I'm barking on your door for a loan. Cause I know that interest rate out there. I know that interest rate is 70%. Well, you know, you could go back to, um, putting the cock in your mouth, putting your dick in ass. Here's the problem with that though. Celebrity escort. Shut up. Okay. Listen, I'll let me tell you, but don't have to whisper. You can say it at full volume. I'll tell you why.

Lazy. But also, most of all, do you know, do you have any idea the kind of competition I would be up against in this town? No, I know you're right. Do you have any idea? Mama, we're not in Des Moines. Because if they want guys, they can get gods. No, no, no. If they want a doll, they'll get gods.

V doll. Flawless. Huge titties. Not flawless. A dick bigger than yours. Super human. Yeah. They're getting sheet. The, um, super girl. Yeah. They're getting, they're getting Amanda Lepore. Right. They're getting the full, they're getting Yasmin Petty. They're getting like Carmen Electra. Victoria's secret. They're getting Victoria's secret angel with a 12 inch swinging big Ben dong. And you're like a Vic,

someone named Victoria's secret. Secret. As if they don't let me out of the basement. Yeah. Rachel. Yeah, I'm giving spinal meningitis tea. Show me to me. Rachel. Yeah, like, I killed my sister. I killed my sister and I'm the sister. But I think you offer something a little different. The Crypt Keeper? No. A horror fantasy? You're very strong. Maybe I should market to the horror loving crowd. It's like, do you want Samara?

Do you want that? Because I could wet my hair. But then out of drag, you kind of get Pan's Labyrinth. Or I also get Mr. Burns for the Simpsons fans. You know? Pan's Labyrinth, you go to a sex party and you kind of walk in like... Yeah. Would you go to sex parties? I would not. I wouldn't. Okay. Why wouldn't you? It doesn't seem festive. There's only one way to find out. I'm not a sex party person. Okay. I just had sex. So let me talk about it. Okay.

It sucks. With a man. Okay. A couple days ago. Yes, they did. They know about it. And I lasted five minutes. Wow. I'm just doing active listening. Was that too much? Oh, let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I was active listening. Wow. Wow. Wow. You loser.

I just, I listened, I spent the, we're back, I guess. Pissed. I guess we're back. Pissed, pissed, plucked. Well, I spent the last 30 days on vacation. Mail staff. Mail staff. And I spent less, and I, like I told you, I had to sneak extra virgin olive oil to the shitty shower and then furiously rub one out with a time, literally with a doomsday clock ticking. Right. And so I was, you know,

Hornisha. Hornisha. And I was not exactly like used to sex. I hadn't had sex in quite a while. Not a while, but like at least six weeks. And I was – the guy had an amazing ass. Incredible ass. And so I just like – Did you know him? I did. Yes, I did. Have you fucked him before? I have. Oh, okay. It's like a security there. Not as hard to like – Yeah, yeah. There was no – With a hookup, you don't know. There's a lot of uncertainty. You know what? There is a lot of uncertainty. And I'm like I –

What I am good at or not good at, what I'm comfortable with is, hi, how are you? Let's go right to it. Oh, great. Okay. I'm very comfortable with that because this is what I found. And I don't want to sound like a cunt, but like the more I know about you, the bigger the chances of me being not attracted to you. Sure. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? I don't know what you mean, but I hear that a lot. I hear that a lot. Whereas for me with hookups,

When it's usually been straight guys, it is transactional, which is fine. Okay. But see, with the straight guy, I'm like, I'm all ears. I'm all ears because it's like, well, what are you? I mean, unless they talk about video games, which I can't fucking do. I can't do that. No, they're talking about Yellowstone, bitch. Straight people. Yellowstone, Dukes. What's the show with the bike riders? The tattoo people, the bike riders. Sons of Anarchy. Sons of Anarchy. They nut for it. Straight people, Sons of Anarchy. Nutting. They also, they nut for soccer mustache. Oh, Ted Lasso. They nut for it.

They not for it. That's porn to them. They not for it. They not for it.

They nut for it. Do they nut for it though? In their mind, they're like, what if I was involved in the sports world? What if I had a mustache? What if women wanted me, but I wasn't traditionally hot? Like, what's his name? Jason something. Jason Sudeikis. He is gorgeous. I don't like facial topiary. What about the, what Mary, what about the pubes that are shaved into a square? I mean, that's happening. That's what they're doing. That's what they're doing. IMAX theater experience. Like it's fucking weird. It's weird. It's weird.

IMAX theater. Like it's a square screen and the dick is the star. Well, what about this though? Like a school picture. A square.

I don't like it. I don't like that. Because I don't think pubic hair looks best with clean... I also don't like haircuts that... Men's haircuts where it's blunt. I don't like that either. No, I hate that. I hate that square. That shelf is so bizarre. Especially when it grows in. When it grows in. Like a week. Like a mushroom. Oh, it's disgusting. You gotta fade that shit. Fade that shit or get the fuck out of here. Get faded. Get faded. Also, I...

This is diabolical too. I used to hook up with this guy in drag back in Boston. This guy. Rachel, show it to me, Rachel. He was so, this dude was so fucking hot. He would shave his chest. He would shave his pubic hair. He would shave his dick and balls. But then this is where, but his whole, you know when people have like you check your blind spot before you turn?

This motherfucker had a very flagrant blind spot that was in the back of his body. So he shaved his balls to a point and then it was the back... Because the balls continue to the... The balls do continue. They continue to the butt. Contrary to popular belief, the balls are connected to the back of your body. It goes into the tank. It's not a bottle show. Thank you.

It's not a diorama. No. It's sort of a diagram. Yeah, there's a back. There's a whole back. So his back was hairy. His back was hairy. The small of his back was hairy. And then his butt was a...

Mound of fur. So he's like one of those stones that grows moss on one side. Yes. He's one of those planets that's always facing the sun. Yeah. It was constantly shadowing night one half. Yeah. It was like, so on the front, it was bald as cone heads. Yeah. And on the back, he's dog, the bounty hunter, huge dick, huge ass too. And I was like, I was like, man, what?

What a shame. I will never eat your ass because it's so bushback back there. And it's like, it was such a, it was such a flagrant disregard for the whole back of his body. It was really fascinated by that. But anyways, I listen, I understand the utility of a beard. A beard is a boon for the ugly. It's a crumb catcher. It's a crumb catcher for eating ass. A lot of men who don't have chins or jaws. Life changing. Life changing. We have a friend. Life changing.

Oh, okay. One time he shaved his beard too short and I saw his chin under with and I was like, I felt like I saw the great and powerful Oz behind the curtain. Oh, wow. It was like those videos where the dad comes home from war and shaved and the kid cries.

That's what I was like. I don't like it. Well, there was a movie. I think it was a movie where Tom Selleck shaved his mustache. And it was like when Julie Roberts didn't smile in that Mary Riley movie flop. It was like when Felicity got that short little curly haircut, the short and curly. It was like, this is a box office bomb.

Yeah, this is bad for business. It's bad. It's the worst business bureau. Yeah, yeah. It's bad. I love men, first of all. And I don't want to be corny because I feel like I'm supposed to be more evolved to this than this. But the things I'm attracted to about men are the things that like square jaw, check. Full brow, check. That's just the shit I like. John Hamm. When you are with someone who like if they shave clean by morning, their face is sandpaper, full thick shadow, like a weekend scrub.

If you're capable of growing thick, quick facial hair, you can be broke and educated and beat the shit out of me. Like, I love that. I love that. Oh, I haven't. Look, I love when someone's like, oh my God. Yeah, I just shaved yesterday. Feel it. I'm like, you don't want me to feel it because this is a fun, cute little experience for you. But for me, this is me having to take my boner, wrap bungee cords around it to keep it from fucking taking this card table out at the legs. Yeah.

Like I can't do it. I love thick facial hair. Okay. I hear you. Don't yell at me. I think your tea is valid. Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure my non-binary tea is valid? I think it is. Okay. And I think a lot of people out there probably feel the same way. I don't think they do. I'm sorry to scream. I feel the opposite. I'm corny, tired, and played out because I think they're really hot. This is what I think of. Okay. I'm...

You're hitchhiking. Yeah, hitchhiking. And not playing charades, but since I started smoking weed, I can't remember words. So this is hitchhiking. And I get picked up by a truck driver. And I'm like, thanks, mister. I've been walking a long time. And he's like, where are you going? I go, Sarasota, Michigan. And he goes, get in. I'll take you as far as Toronto. I'll take you to Piedmont, North Dakota. Yeah, I'll take you to Piedmont, North Dakota. I'll drop you off with Doreen Cavanaugh. Doreen Cavanaugh. So...

And then while we're on the trip, I'm like, I wish it was somewhere I could repay you. And they have a big thick mustache. And like, you know, I got a bed in the back of this truck. That fucks the life out of me. He wants me to call him dad at first. I don't like it, but then I love it. Cause again, never had a dad. Like I'm not infringing on anyone getting to use that word for the first time. Wow. Transformative people. We get to choose our family, you know? And then he, you know, and then I get out of the truck and I'm kind of like, it's kind of like stars born. I look back, I like do the shape of my nose and then I go like this.

And then he beeps. And then for the rest of my life, when I hear a truck beep like that. You squirt. Olestra anal leakage. I hate us. I hate this show. I just hate you. I'm out of here. Get out of here. I think it's okay. So now you in the past famously have been like, hey, you're really hot. Let's get in the shower and shave your butt. Would you be open to someone saying like, hey, you're really hot. Let's shave that upper lip. They would not do that because I would be erasing their identity.

I would be erasing their identity because I'm not, I'm not at liberty to offer anything above or beyond this two hours. Sure. And that would be, that would be infringing and encroaching upon time in their life that I'm not willing to participate in. Do you know what I mean? But if it's like, if they're like, oh, so. Cause nobody's identity is their butt hair. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like, I'm saying that like, if, so if we, okay, here we go. How about this?

I have a whirlwind romance with a guy for six months. And I go on and I'm, and I'm like six months is enough time. If I see him three times a week, six months is enough time to know that I like him. I would argue that after six months, seeing that often, if you don't like him. Oh, then what are you doing? Yes. What are you doing? You're being ridiculous. So, I mean, I would never throw out the love word of course, but like, you know, but I would, I would think of it internally. Never. Well, I mean, it also, it just depends. I love you in six months.

I mean, I guess I would. Call me corny. I think it's possible to know in a couple months. I think it's possible to know in three weeks.

Okay. But I don't, but I don't. But you keep that shit to yourself. You keep that shit to yourself and you, after three weeks, it's literally just a process of elimination. Once you say it, then you can say the romantic shit like, I knew I loved you the second date. You can say that, but you wait. Three months. Three months. Three months. I think three months is a really prudent. And also you don't, you don't, you don't bring that person around to dinner.

Until three months. You don't feed them? No, no. Shut up. You go to their house, you get their breeds. You don't do double dates, I would say, until two months, three months minimum. Like, especially with your friends who've been in relationships more than two years. Ah!

Do you know what I mean? I, do you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? The people we fucking know where they bring this guy around and they're like, so we're my partner. I want you to meet my soulmate two weeks ago. Yeah. This is my soulmate on a trip with us or some shit. Yeah. Yeah. And then you find out that he kills cats. And then later it's like, well, when you break up with him in two weeks, I invested conversation in someone I will never see again. Yeah. I spent a three day weekend retreat with you fuckers that are like a naked yoga place, whatever. The problem is the longer, the older you get, I think that,

Relationships that move that quickly is a sign of emotional immaturity. Of course. And I hate to be a hater. No, it's true. We have friends where I'm like, I will act the way you want me to act around this guy. In a year. Yes. In a year. When you are not doing double dating. Okay. I understand double dating because when you have a boyfriend, it is easier to go out with a couple because there's kind of like, you can all talk, you can pair off into doubles, like everything.

When you're a couple going out with one person is tough. Double dating is exciting because you have a better time with your couple friends, I think. Okay. I think. No, no, no. Yeah, that makes sense. But back to my point. So what I was saying is that like this is a scenario where I could actually justify shaving the mustache. Okay.

So six months, we've, we've, I had this whirlwind romance with a guy for six months. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with them. Like every, there's no behavior that he's exhibited up after the, the, the, the three, after like the six week honeymoon period where like, I'm like, okay, that makes me incensed or that makes me like, I think that's vile or that annoys the shit out of me. There's none of that has really happened.

So we go away after six months. We decide to go away for a week somewhere. Real test, right? Sure. Real test. I think that's really common approach to like you go on your first trip together. You go on your first trip. That's a very big, cause we've only spent three days a week together. And traveling together is different. I think it makes people more who they really are. It's a whole different vibe. Spending the night in bed with each other for seven days in a row. Cause I don't do sleepovers. Sharing space. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also, you know, whatever. We never do sleepovers.

I know. And I never want to ever, ever. So have you ever got married? Would you have like two bedrooms? We'd have different, I would never live in the same house with somebody. Never live in the same house with somebody. Never, never. I mean, if at the very most I would do separate floors, I am not joking. I don't, I don't want, I don't want to smell your fucking big floating shit in the toilet. I think that's disgusting. I think it's fine. On,

all-stars this year, RuPaul's like, Michelle, you've been married this many years. How do you do it? And Michelle's like, I travel like six months a year. And RuPaul goes, my husband, RuPaul goes like, heard my husband lives in another state. And they both laugh. It's the tea. I mean, it's the truth. Like it's my, my husband lives in Australia. Boom. If the relationship works for both of you and you're both happy, that's all the rubric you need to judge it by. Absolutely. So anyways, so we go to the Poconos for a week.

He shows up. Now I'm excited because the week before I have to work a lot to save up some money or whatever the case may be. And I'm so, and I'm, I'm ramped up to see him. I haven't seen him a week. He shows up with a mustache on. I start to spiral. Start crying. No, I don't, I don't go that far that quickly. This really happened? No, I'm just saying hypothetically. No, this is like a radio play. This is a radio play. This is a radio play. Old fashioned radio play. Like he shows up, it's a ghost story. He shows up with a mustache and I start to spiral.

I'm unraveling. I'm thinking, oh my God, we should just end it now. I don't know if I could go on. This is crazy. Yeah. This is like, what do I do? What do I do? I think if I don't say anything today, I can't say anything tomorrow. You know what I mean? You're telling me that even if you were starting to have feelings for him. No, no, no, no, no, no. So I say, I playfully suggest let's shave that thing. That's not playful. What do I do? You go, you know, here's how you do playfully. You go, I know you go, where's my beautiful boyfriend under there? You know, like you kind of flatter your way to it.

I feel like there's an eyebrow between us. I think anything like that third armpit, I think anything like that is mean. But I think like, oh, I just really miss your upper lip or like something playful like that. No, what do I do for real? What do I say? Well, since this isn't a real scenario. Yes, it is. I think you would say like, I think that's a good one. You like that mustache?

I think, well, can I tell you, because he's going to be like, what do you think? Right. Well, here's what I'm saying. Yeah. If you had never seen him with a mustache and he was your boyfriend, I think realistically he would say, what do you think? Do you even recognize me? And then you could say, oh, if he asks you, you are completely fine to say like, I think you're so handsome. I've never been crazy with mustaches, but.

Try something different. And also like, you can say something like, it doesn't have to be forever. You don't have to keep it. I'm like, and I'm taking into account all of the, what I know about him from his past. That's, that's observable through like social media, whatever. Like if he had a mustache before the six months we started dating, because what, what, yeah, it's different if it's a return to me. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. It's different. Right. Right. If it's like, if he lived his whole life with a mustache. Right. It's funny because I did, I hook, Oh God, I did hook up with this guy who had a mustache.

a little while ago and it didn't really bother me. I love my hypocrisy. I love my hypocrisy. I want to touch them, smell them, look at them. I also have a real thing for guys who have a beard that's a similar length to their hair and the hair just continues around the ear. This part of some guy with a beard around the ear, I want to put their whole neck and ear and beard in my mouth.

I love this part of people have beards where the hair like is trimmed around the ear. I think that's so hot. I don't know what's wrong with me. I could have been one of those barbers, my big fat, like saline bulge sitting on your lap while I cut your hair.

My six and a half ounces watermelon balls. Can we, we already did. We talked about Barbara. We talked about Barbara porn. We did. I just, all I think about is Barbara porn. Barbara porn. Please, Barbara. Barbara please. A gay salon called Barbara please. I know. Barbara please. Barbara please. Barbara please. Please, Barbara. You and I, two bald men, a beauty school dropout and someone who hates mustaches opening Barbara please. Barbara please. Oh my God. It's a salon where they just remove mustaches.

That's all we do. And it's wax. Tina, bring me the wax. We do upper... Wait, slap my hand, freak. We do upper lip electrolysis. And that's it. And honestly, some of you ladies could use it. They keep the...

Because some women want that electrolysis up there. We also don't just do men. We do any kind of mustache. You want the mustache down on your south mouth? Well, because sometimes they bleach mustaches on women. Yeah. And they look wild. So it's invisible. That's Sarah Silverman's joke. White, yellow, glowing hair. It's like, no, it's yellow. So it's invisible. So no one knows. It's so funny. It's so funny.

Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast, Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later.

Christina Aguilera in Lady Gaga in Do What You Want to My Body, that clip. So chilling. It's us. So us. This is us. This is us. This is us by Shonda Rhimes or whoever. As soon as I saw that. Down to this wig, which is these shoulder pads, all I'm missing is literally the $3.99 a yard stretch lame from downtown Florida.

Yeah. And I literally have that Christina wig. Yeah. Oh yeah, you do. And I have her voice and her bank account. We are very similar. I recently saw her in a video. She surely does look 20. And also 20 pounds because everybody's on a Zumbik. No offense if you're not, but I, I, I'm just, I, you know, you don't really understand though.

The cognitive dissonance that I experienced because I was just, I mean, kind of quarantined. I was on social media, but not very much. And I come out of rehab and everybody is shrunk down to half their size. Yeah. It's so weird. Well, that's just here, right? No, but I'm talking about every celebrity. Oh, everyone. Because every celebrity has... And people we know, yeah. And people we know. And a lot of, you know, being in the... It's just so...

It's so interesting. So strange. It's fine. And also I gained like 15 pounds. So that's fun. I find it difficult because I lost a lot of weight.

From other things? From other things. And so people keep commenting on something. You know what? That must be fine. Do you think that's fine? I would be annoyed to death. It's annoying to me. Yeah, yeah. But you kind of can't help but understand why they would say that. Just considering the amount. But knowing how cheap I am, that shit I heard is $1,300 a month or something. What? Do you think I would spend money on that? For real? I'm not judging anybody who does. Is that expensive? I think so, yes. Holy shit. People will go to any lengths.

I mean, whatever. You know what? I can't say it's not that hard to diet because literally the only thing I've never struggled with is food. So it's not fair to me to say. That's a really good way to look at it, I think. Yeah. I mean, I cannot relate. Some people like nacho cheese is their meth.

And guess what? I think that came out wrong. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not really though, because I don't, and I don't have to go when I go to Ralph's. When I went to Ralph's this morning to pick up more half and half, I didn't have to walk past the meth. Right? No, you're right. And I, for me, I wouldn't say I have, I wouldn't say I have food things, but when I'm happy, I can eat a lot. And when I struggle, I tend to just not eat. Okay. And that's not intentional. It just happens. So I have empathy. I mean, I have empathy towards alcoholics because I,

I cannot, I can't imagine. I'm so lucky. I'm so grateful that because I could, I have to very, I have to do a, I mean, in LA, it's a little bit different and being gay is a little bit different, but I really have to make an effort to find crystal meth.

Like a big effort. Not that big of an effort in this city, but yes. But you know what I mean though? Like I have to make an effort. Whereas if you being Katya, if you were an alcoholic and you stopped at a gay bar, let's say to see Fina's drag show, people would be sending you shots. Yes. It's a different level of like. Also because it's public. Any milestone. People were saying that when they have office jobs, Friday, a lot of people, this guy who works at Apple, right?

They have booze at work. You can drink during the day. I don't like that. I know. It's disgusting. I don't like that. It's disgusting. But like any company barbecue, you're actually kind of a pariah if you don't drink. You're singled out. If you want to climb the corporate ladder and you don't drink, there's a huge barrier to that. I've kind of seen that represented in media. It's true. It's absolutely true. But I have never had that type of job. No, God, thank God. But like-

Imagine you are trying to work your way up through middle management and you're the difference between you and your competition is only that you don't drink, you know?

It's like, oh shit. It's the hours clocked outside of work. It's the camaraderie. It's a huge part of it. It's the networking. Well, can I say I've experienced a little bit of that in our industry? Because for a while when I was traveling and not drinking and I was working in nightclubs, promoters would get like weirdly mad if you didn't want to get drunk with them. Absolutely. Club owners, promoters, tour managers, promoters.

If you don't drink with them, the taste you leave in their mouth when you leave is that like you weren't fun. You were standoffish. You weren't fun. Yeah. Or a party pooper or whatever. And I'll admit when I worked in nightclubs, I showed up right before my number. I did my number and then my meet and greet and left. I didn't stay out late and drink a lot. Like I didn't. Why the fuck would I? To hang out with people who won't remember it? No, thank you. Drinkers, sorry to say, no offense to all you drinkers. You are fucking so annoying.

You are. You just are. You're annoying. Nine out of 10 times people who drink a lot are so fucking annoying. And especially if you think you're a fun drunk. You have to be in the mood to put up with that. If you think you're a fun drunk, I have a newsflash. There's a very large chance that you are not. Fun drunk means I hit someone with my car. Yes! And the other thing is I'm really interested in people who drink and immediately cry.

Oh God. I feel like when I worked on Water Street, when I worked on Water Street, which is like the college street in Milwaukee, a lot of the bars, I would see straight people crying drunk all. I didn't often see gay people crying drunk. Straight people cry drunk. I think a lot. Yeah. And also a lot of gay people fight when they're drunk. Fight the stigma with drag. They fight the virus. They fight the violence of drag.

they gave people fight. Yeah. If you've never, you've never battled, you've never, no, you've never gone down like to WeHo during the scene that see the, like the real, like the depth and breadth of the bridge and tunnel people go at it. It's like aging twinks up in each other's faces. Oh yeah. It's the bridge and tunnel crowd. Like you go down to, um, that the strip of WeHo past, um, like, um,

Santa Monica Boulevard? It's on Santa Monica. Yeah, like with all the clubs and stuff. Right. On a Friday or Saturday night because that's typically not the LA gay crowd. It's like the people from the suburbs. They come in and then they just, they cause a ruckus and it's all the girls. And they drive home. The fag hags.

Well, yes. Well, yes. The fag hags and the fruit flies, they're crying. They're crying and they're pissing. They're pulling down their panties and pissing on the side of the road. They're throwing up in the street. They're crying hysterically. And the gay guys are fighting. It's fierce. Yeah. And the lesbians are pissed. No, they're not there.

They're not, they're married. They're at, they're on the East side or they're at home. They're in the center home. But when they are out, when I've seen lesbians sometimes liquored up, I think that version of that is, um, I've seen a lot of women like exes fighting, um,

Relationship drama. What are you doing with her? We've been together three days. We've had a committed relationship. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I left my iPhone charger at your house. You bitch. You bitch. You dyke. Whereas I think fags are more like, it's like, what did you say to me? It's more like my pride defending my, whatever, you know, literally you're so drunk. You bumped into me and there's nothing. There's no beef. Yeah. You stepped on my foot and I wasn't wearing shoes cause I'm 45 and I'm wearing distressed jeans and white Hollister sandals. Oh,

Oh, it's too rich. Sandals at the club. It's too rich. Love sandals at the club. Oh, with one of those weird tank tops. One of those weird. No, no, no. It's those weird strappy, you know, those tank tops. That's like a strap. And then it goes, it's not like just like a regular wife beater or whatever. I hate that term, but like, you know, I think it's called wife pleaser now. No, it's called an A shirt. Love it. Well, it is called an A shirt though. That's what the packaging says. I call it a Gina Gershon inbound shirt. Yes, but you know what? Those like, this is a, this is a,

It's like a two-exist, sporty circuit tank top. It's the Livestrong bracelet of the tank tops. Do you know what I'm talking about? It has the thing, and then it goes weird. I hate it so much. But you know what I also hate? And I'm sorry. I love everyone. What? I don't like jock straps. I think it's corny boots. Okay. I think it's very corny boots. It gives very Andrew Christian. It gives very corny boots. It gives very shriveled nuts. Okay.

I want it. I want to let it. Okay. I think I see you. I tell you what, you give me mustaches. I'll give you. Okay. Because let me tell you something.

Y'all fucking 30-pound tweakers in these jock straps. It's giving Party City skeleton. Dressed up, like, with sexy underwear on. Girl. Your two little sits bones aren't getting propped up by that flimsy fabric. Just put on some boxer shorts or whatever. Like, put on some trunks. Put on briefs, even. Mom, that... You...

None. A lot of you hoes who think you got an ass to pull up and got nothing of the sort in these. And you look like jokers and jesters and jock straps. It's giving Jack Spratt. Yeah.

It's giving very Johnny Appleseed. It's giving very Jack Sprite at the club. Also, I mean, and the funny thing is like I would much, I would much, I actually would fuck with baggy, like, like even sissy underwear before I would fuck with a jockstrap. I love a fucking thong, bitch. I love a fucking thong. Girl, if Guy pulls down the pants and it's like a

a red lacy thong that's so overtly feminine on like a hairy body. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. It's so, it's so iconoclastic. It's so like, it's like against the grain and zigging when you think they're going to zag. And you, you pull up in that nasty little, like to exist. Like, I don't want to even name brands, but you know what I mean? Or like the ones that are like the, the, the,

Like the baseball thought, like the actual... That I'm kind of okay with. In a costume environment. Oh, okay. If it's a party that's like a half-blooded party, whatever. And can I also say, I don't really respond to... Here's what I think. If I'm going to see your underwear, it feels scandalous because I'm seeing something private.

And I want it to look like underwear you actually were wearing that day. To me, it's like if you pull out these underwear that tell me that you knew you were going to show your ass tonight, I'm a little less turned on. Yeah. Because it feels like not organic. Yeah. Also, I just like, I guess those, you know what they, those underwear give me, I think I'm just a little bit, I'm biased for sure. They give me, I'm spun. I'm not getting hard, but I'm getting railed all night.

Do you know what I mean? It's almost like it just hides the dick. Where do you stand with butthole pictures? Well, I love them. I love them because I want to know what's going on there if I need to get my weed whacker out. Do I need to... For you, it's more like having a map of them all. Do I need an extension cord for my turkey knife? Do you know what I mean? We need to get Tabitha in here.

Tabitha. Tabitha takes over your asshole. That's what I'm going to call it when I top. Yeah. When I top, it's when Tabitha takes over. Tabitha tops over. When I'm topping, girl, tonight, Tabitha's taking over. Oh my God. Like, cause my end drag. They've done such a bad job topping you. You're like, okay, hold on. Hold on. Yeah. Whatever she said. I'm taking over. Yeah.

And you know, when I hook up in drag, that's my taffy name. I'm taffy. And then when I'm topping and drag, it's tab of the taken over. Fierce. Oh, that's fierce. That's dire. You know what I think? I think topping is, is fierce.

I love it. I think there's something to it. I love it. It's great. I'm going to come around. And also, yeah, you got to get into it. It's fierce. And also like, but the only thing though, that's tough. And I, and I have a hundred percent empathy. Unfortunately, like listen to accidents. I know we talked about this before. It says, but I don't want to talk about shit, but we're ending. We're going to wrap it up soon. So they might as well talk about shit.

It is always something. It's always, it is always possible. It is accidents. Yes. You're talking about like when somebody reruns you on the freeway while you're getting fucked. Yeah. Yes. But I'm like, there's always a chance that there will be blood, you know, striking oil. Of course. Unfortunately,

I mean, striking oil spray you in the face. Yeah. When you're fracking. No, you look like you were baking brownies and their kitchen exploded. I mean, unfortunately for me, that usually means I would say, okay, I would say you have to be the love of my life in the first two weeks of our honeymoon phase for me to be

We clean up everything. And then in a couple hours or something, we try again. That's usually, that's really not happening. It's we're done. We're done. And that's okay though. That's okay. There's no, like I would never, I would never ever make anybody feel some type of way or even into it that, or even give the, even the whiff that I was disappointed or that they were a real man keeps going. Oh, a real man takes that turd out and fucks it. Okay. And you know what else?

I'm sorry. Men used to win wars. Men used to build houses. Men used to fuck turds. Men used to shit on dicks. I can tell you how many times I've called boyfriends, crouched over the cat box, fucking those turds. Oh my God.

Oh, you fucking rancid shit can woman. I think it's fine. But you think what's fine? Shitting on dicks? No, I think it's a measure of maturity, how you handle that situation. Of course. And also like, and here's the thing though, you really don't, I don't expect anybody to, because at the times that I bottomed, I'm like nine, let's say four out of three out of four times. Four out of the five times that it ever happened. No, like I say four out of, was,

I don't know what the fucking fraction is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When only one person shits on your dick. Yeah. No, I'm like, almost every time it happens, I prepare it to bottom. I'm like, this is crazy. It is crazy. This is crazy. And even sometimes you think your asshole's so clean. And you're wrong. And they pull their dick out and you put your mouth on it and you go, oh, okay. Pudding pop. Okay.

Well, just as I thought. And now I have to either recoil in pain and go like, ah, no good. Or, or, or, or, you know, or you need to double down. And guess what, honey? You might have to, you know, clean it off before you get like, you know, I'm going to go kill myself. I'm not a part of this anymore. I was never here. You were never here. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, even when you do,

Clean out. And even when sex is going well, there's always the chance. Don't ever take for granted the fact that things might still happen in the 11th hour. I know. That's why I was so thrilled to go in to get the job done in five minutes and get out of there perfectly.

scoff free clean as a whistle boom let's watch a movie also grow up like if you're gonna grow up exactly lay down the brown bath towel grow hello prepare for the worst yeah we're not on the white tiffany sheets and then and then i got bottled water i got canned goods radio thank you also you better believe i had my new cjo duvet cover delivered we i i put a huge worn and weathered throw blanket over that thing i was not about to get one drop of lube

On that fucker I put a moving blanket down A what? A moving blanket Plastic sheet Moving blankets, burlap sacks We fucked outside We fucked in the grass In the front yard Actually then Victimless crime There's poop everywhere so what we're outside Fertilize the grass And also Out of the corner of your eye A plastic gloved hand comes and just Takes it away

A man who was walking his dog chipped in and helped us out. A man walking by walking his dog. He has one of those little fucking leashes with the bags on it. And he grabs it and he picks it up and he hits you in the face with a newspaper. He rubs your nose and it keeps going. Bad dog. Oh, shit. If you had to fuck a dog, what breed would it be? It would be a Frenchie. I'll mute. I think that's good. I think we're done. Okay. What?

Are you discriminating me? No, no, no. Are you discriminating me? Discriminating me or discriminating against me?

Sorry. Sometimes I think we get in drag and we get too powerful. I know. It's hot. With this suit on, I'm about to sell a lot of stuff. I'm going to sell dog treats. Got your nice brown and pink suit on talking about bottoming. Thank you. Love it. Bye, everyone. Goodbye. Thank you so much. Love you all. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.