Three Bald Men Deciding Who Looks More Like This Bald Man with David Silver
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Welcome back to Drop Dead Fred and Dirty Ted. Wait, what is it? It's Dead Ted. Dirty Ted and Stephanie. It's Stephanie.

Dirty Ted and Stephanie right here. Morning radio, baby. Yes. Full disclosure, we recorded this morning with Kim and then I think Katya went home. Yeah, I went home. I had a pizza. And a plank. A plank, a pizza, and I'm back. And you're back. I'm back, back, back, back, back again. And then I've been feeling a little under the weather so my boyfriend came over to watch over me and then he got here and I was like,

Hey, why not? So we would like to welcome to the stage... David Silver! Da-da-da-da! ♪

Hello, it's me. A.K.A. Brian Austin Green from the hit television program Beverly Hills 90210. Cocktick and balls. Cocktick and balls. He came over, he's got his cocktick and balls out on the table. Cocktick and balls rolled out on the table. Rolling an outlet cookie dough. We're about to do some shapes. I cannot wait to drive a wedge into this relationship. By that I mean literally stick an espadrille up your ass. Well, in the four years we've been together...

We really never appeared on camera together or done anything interview-like like this, I don't think. I think that you are, for the kids out there at home, this is, in my opinion, a very great role model. This is an example of how to live a gay love life relationship in the public eye. You think? I do. I do. I do. Well, here's a luxury. I'll let David talk. Do you? David, I'll let you talk in a second. No, David, you shut up. This isn't about you. Yeah. Now, I...

I think part of what makes our relationship good, we were just talking about this because there's a lot of famous drag queens who have boyfriends who also want to be famous. And it's a very cringe. Cringe with a capital C. With a capital K. Capital K. K-R-I-N-G. Cringe. And David wants, I mean, what do you want, David? What do you want? I'm a very private person.

There you go. Privacy. And I like to bring David places and let people talk to me and then talk to him because however they talk to him, not knowing he's my boyfriend, is how I judge them. That is fantastic. That's a great vibe. So if they're like, Miss Mattel, we've got your VIP booth right here. What do you want, trash? Yeah. Do you ever find yourself getting mistreated?

Yeah. Really? All the time. You're kidding. No. And he tells me about it and I never forget it. And you write it in your list, your little black book. Well, no, I honestly think that because I hate, joint Instagram accounts to me are the- Boyfriend accounts? Yeah, boyfriend accounts. Could you imagine, David? What do you mean? Boyfriends who have an account together.

Like, you did something very special together, which is you made a movie. But that's a little different. Even that was, I mean, oh, we didn't mention it. David's a filmmaker who produced the film Moving Parts, as you know, from Netflix. Yeah. From Katya's life, from A World of Wonder production, my life. Yeah. Very successful film. Not critically acclaimed. Yeah, actually, I guess. And it's great. But we worked parallel. We weren't like... Yeah, honestly, we did the right thing, which was...

I was the subject and David and the director were the filmmakers and I was never in the room when they talked about the movie. Yeah. I just was me and they were them and we didn't break the seal. You were the greased up guinea pig and they were just shoving you down the tubes. Yes, because as you know, you're a workaholic and it was a nice way to... Alcoholic. I wasn't going to reveal that information. It was a nice way to...

make sure that you had to spend time with me was to make a movie about you. Yeah. If you want to get it, you want to get some good old time with the TM. You got to put in the calendar. What's good for, what's going to be good for me. You want this dick? I need a movie. What do I get out of this relationship? Yeah. Yeah. That's it. I think that's one of the reasons our relationship works. But also I was just talking to somebody about this. Somebody was recently like, you know what? And that's what I've learned about relationships is they're always going to be hard and they're always going to be work. And I was thinking to myself, they're not.

When they're good, they're not that hard and they're not that much work. I'm looking for an escape. He's over here shaking his head wildly. But seriously, I mean, like most, I think in relationships, when you have problems, it's because you didn't communicate and something erupts. It's all about compromise. Yeah. Ew.

Isn't that what it is? Compromise. I guess. We're working on each other. I mean, we could be broken up tomorrow and then this podcast will be really sad to listen to. So this is our small song. This is, yeah, this is the, this is the last row. Yeah. Let me ask you something. Let's start with an easy question. When did you know you were in love with me?

When did you know he was the one? Don't answer that. And how many teen girls did you have to beat down to get to the front of the line? You've been gay lovers for four years? Almost. Which I don't think is that long, but I guess in gay world, that is a long time. 40. 40.

40 years. I just came across an Instagram post of a gay man who had just met someone about a month ago. Oh, wow. And they were posting a succession of photos together with the caption like,

There are no words to describe the love that I feel for you. I was like, Mary, y'all have been together for four weeks. Do people realize how that looks? David, we talk about it all the time. I don't think so. Because we've been together four years and occasionally, maybe like two or three times, have posted even just a nice post about each other. It has to be like...

my birthday or like new year's together. I never, and with David, especially I don't tag him because I don't want people to go find him. Well, yeah. Or cause you know, you never know what you're going to get in those DMS, right? He's going to get girls under the age of 25 being like, can you tell her something? Yeah. That happens. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's a cute side business. Yeah. That's $10, $15 questions, $25 answers. Book me on Cameo for $59. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I just showed David. I found on Cameo, which you did Cameo for a while. Yeah, yeah. The guy who does the voice of Ghostface in the Scream movies does Cameo. Oh, that's incredible. And the mask has up and he goes like, hello, Brian.

Oh, that's amazing. That's fierce, right? It's only 50 bucks. That and Gilbert Gottfried and Amanda Lepore. These are like... Tritsy. Tritsy. David got me the Tritsy. Amanda Lepore. I know. It's fantastic. It was iconic. And it's too cheap. Yeah. Honestly. How much was it?

75 bucks. I think that's incredible deal. It was totally worth it. Incredible. Not to mention Amanda's no spring chicken. Like those cameos aren't going to be available for the next three decades. Yeah. You know, like get them. Well, I bought you the Amanda doll, which was very expensive because they were limited run and were sold in a department store in New York. And I felt bad because obviously she's not getting the money that I paid for that doll. So yeah, that's a good thing. Will you tell me off the air how much that doll was? Say it. We're not, I mean, dolls are expensive.

It was over $900. Holy shit. But there was a finite amount created in 2006, right? Collector's items. Yeah. And they were sold only at a department store in New York. And Amanda did them in collaboration with, is it called David's Gym?

David Martin's gym. Yeah, that. That gym. And it was Amphar, I believe. It was like a charity thing. I asked Amanda about it. I was like, where do I get one? And she was like, I don't even know a person who has one anymore. They're hard to find. So when one popped up, I was like, this is the moment. That's incredible. She is the moment. And it's a fantastic doll. Yeah. With a real pussy. Well, it's that exact price point of doll where like I covet. She covets. But...

She comments, but I probably wouldn't buy it for myself because it's so expensive. Yeah. Same as the birthday present you got me. But you would buy a Christy though. You would buy a Christy. Thank God because I almost bought the Christy doll and I was like, you know what? Could you fucking imagine if she had three fucking Christys? It almost happened. It almost happened. Oh, I'm going to sell one of them now. Oh, thank God. Use the money. Yeah. I'm going to re-wallpaper this room.

Well, so you're gay. So let me ask you, when did you decide to be gay? I decided to be gay. I chose it in my later 20s. Okay. He was a late gay. Late gay? Yeah, I was. I don't want to tell your story. I'm asking David. He went to NYU and went all through film school and never was gay. You went through Tisch without knowing you was gay? Without sucking one dick. Can you believe that? Wow. Washington Square Park. Never sucked a dick. It's true.

It's just so funny because of all places to be like, who cares if you're gay? It's one of the gayest places. It's like one of the gayest vortexes in the entire United States. I don't know what was stopping me, but I was not gay. And David's parents are extremely accepting. I went to theater camp. I mean, I was gay. Oh, he did.

So what is it? I'm really curious to know. So when you jerked off, if you don't mind me asking, what would you think of? Because you did jerk off, didn't you? Yeah, no, I was gay. Oh, but you just weren't outward. I don't know. I remember that Justin Timberlake Rolling Stones cover where he's like, yeah. Macaroni salad. Tell them about Bruce Willis.

What about Bruce Willis? You guys have a similar film. Color of Night. Color of Night. Yeah, he shows his. His wing wing. Yeah, yeah. In the pool. Yeah, yeah. The Jane March. Yeah. How many times did you flick the bean to that one? Well, that was like, you know, if you'd like Googled like, well, did we Google back then? Or, you know, just like. Lycos. Naked celebrities on the internet. That was a popular one in the. Can I tell you. In those days. Can I tell you though, in my house, my parents rented that film.

We watched it together. It was their fault. Who'd they rent it out to? I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. They went to Blockbuster. We watched it together. And I took that VHS upstairs later. You're like, Bruce. And I fucking rubbed it right off. But you know what, though? When you're that young, any amount of sexuality can give you a boner. I was 32. That was a few years ago. Yeah.

I remember seeing, I remember seeing show girls and there was a scene, the scene where they're all in a line and I'm erect. Why aren't you erect? And it's Elizabeth Hurley, who's beautiful. No, no, no, no, no. Elizabeth Berkeley. Berkeley. Who did I say? I wish. I wish. Yeah, I know. Elizabeth Berkeley. And I was like turned on by that, even though I kind of knew I wasn't into girls. But when you're that young, any amount of sex is like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, she's sex. That scene, I'll buy it for you. That whole, like the, um, or the one where she's seducing him in the club in the private room. Yeah. Bonus city. That her long butt, her 90s long butt. Yeah. Oh yeah. Psychotic. Thrashing. Thrashing. Thrashing. When did you first have sex?

In my 20s. Really? Yeah. Late bloomer. But in high school, I did blowies. I was around with girls. Oh, you did? Did you ever... Cunnilingus? Yeah. Oh, really? I tried it. You tried it? I tried it. You dabble. Full vaginal penetration? No. No. No, because I was a homosexual. He was a homosexual, but he was catching blowies from the girls.

Well, yeah, same here. But I mean, I was what? 15, 16, 17. You can go along with a lot when you're like that young and just like randomly horny. I mean, you can...

Right? Just do it. Then again, I never did it, but. I think you just do it because it's, you're 34. Yeah. I'm 38. I, you just do it when you're just, if you're, if you're kind of popular or you're not like on the fringe fringe, you need to have a girlfriend. Yeah. I mean, this, this girl was kind of, she wanted to date me. Was she chic? Uh, sure. Who would play her? Who would play her? Yeah.

Who would play her? Who would play her in a movie? RuPaul's always like, you got a mom? And the person's like, yes, I have a mom. RuPaul's like, who would play her in the movie, in the lifetime movie of your life? It is a good question. Do I have to answer it? Yes. Who would play her? I'm trying to picture her. You're a Hollywood producer. Who would play her? Like Amanda Seyfried. Oh, okay. Really? I mean, that's the Hollywood version of- All right, who's on the TBN version? That's the Christian Broadcasting Network. Who's on the Delta in-flight video version? Yeah.

Which drag race girl would play her? You've never seen the show. I don't want to say. He's never seen the show. Oh, no. Okay. All right. We'll keep it. Can I ask? I don't think we've talked about this. If you could make, you loved making a documentary and you did such a good job at it. Yeah. And when I first saw it, I was, I cried and I was just like, this made me feel like I did something with my life. Mm-hmm.

And I always knew that it was going to be like something I would always love. But if you were to make another documentary, not about drag, what would you want to make it about? Not about drag? Or any other drag. Well, we've taught, I mean, Amanda Lepore. I would love to do a documentary about her. And that's a ticking time clock. Amanda, I know she's not listening. She's not going to live forever. Okay, but she's not dynamite. I know. She's not dynamite. There's not a terminal diagnosis. Like, let's just make that clear. But she's an older woman.

Okay. We're not sure how she could be. She's a medical mystery in a lot of ways. So we're going to keep it that way. I would love like her story told, you know, by her in her own words. That would be, I can, I mean, that would be so compelling. Yeah. Even if it was done badly, I would be, it would be just absolutely watchable.

Well, when David and I watched the wig documentary, did you see wig? I liked it. I think some of the most compelling parts were bunny talking about being bunny. Yeah. And like when I've listened to pods about bunny, it's so interesting to think of someone like bunny or Amanda at 16, what they thought and how they figured out. Yeah. I mean, cause the band is book.

That read like a script in itself. Yeah. Like their story is crazy. Crazy. Yeah. Well, you got to get on that. I, yeah, it's a great idea, right? Got to get on that now. When I saw Amanda, I have still videos on my phone. When I saw Amanda last at, in LA, I went backstage in my book for her to sign it like a fucking nerd. And I went up to her and I was like, I was like at the part in the book where you said you were running a bath and you had your suitcase and you escaped through the window and you ran to the taxi stand. You told the taxi driver that you're running away to be a star. And then you went to New York and you were, and she was like,

Yeah, I had to get out of there. So calm about it. So calm about it. How old is she? Well, I don't want to spill her tea, but she talks about it in the book. I believe she talks about the hospital that she was born at burning. And so she got to sort of reassign her age by getting a new birth certificate. Oh, okay. So her declared legal age may or may not match her birth age anymore. Got it.

Which is fab. Honestly, if you're her, go big. Say you were born in 93. Yeah. Or 1893. Do you know what I mean? Just go vampire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mysterious. Mysterious woman. Because she really is. I mean, I think we talk about her. This is the bald and the beautiful. We talk about her. Pretty much every episode. Yeah. And with hair that white and processed, she's got to be somewhat bald and still beautiful. Oh, right. That kind of color processed hair at her age over and over again. Yeah.

She talks about it in the book. She doesn't go anywhere without at least like a halfway gone. Okay. Yeah. Same. And I love it when Bunny, that funny, that hysterical Derek and Mormaine show where Bunny talked about her eye-popping day look of a turban, dark lip, big sunglasses and bright red, red lips. I love that. That's fantastic. That's so chic. Yeah. And Buddy says, she's been taking singing lessons. She's sounding much more musical. Couldn't sound much less. Yes.

We love her. We do. And also, her song, Cotton Candy, Cotton Candy. Cotton Candy. That song is a bop. Absolutely. She's wonderful. She has a lot of great boss, but that one in particular I love. People don't know what you look like. Who would play you in a movie? Who would play you in a movie? Jason Statham. Yeah. I think Seth Rogen.

That was so mean. Why? Seth Rogen's cute. For the comedy, for the action movie Jason Statham. No, I was at a bar in Chicago. I grew up in Chicago and like many summers ago I was at a bar and I may have been smoking a cigarette and some guy yelled to me, hey Seth Rogen. And he wanted me to love him a cigarette. I don't see it. You don't see it? Look up Jason Statham. Is Seth Rogen Jewish? Yes. Yes. Yes.

He looks, he's cute. Jason Statham. I would, I would,

I would absolutely, I would fuck the hell out of Seth Rogen. Jason Statham, what's he from? He's an action star. Okay. The transporter. Yeah. Okay. The humdinger. So you think you look like this person? I didn't say that. That looks like you. No, it doesn't. Look at him. Look, look, look. Imagine more. Three bald men deciding who looks more like this bald man. Are we one of those morphs where it's like, he's our center. Yeah, he's maybe our middle plan. He does kind of look like your dad, David. He's, he's, okay. Yeah.

I don't look like Jason Statham. No, I'm not saying you do. I'm saying who would play you? Meryl Streep. Yeah, because who would play you is also about type. And also about aspiration. Yeah, Meryl. Yeah, Meryl. Meryl would play you. As Mary Louise in Big Little Lies. With the teeth. Wow. I was thinking more like Death Becomes Her. I was thinking Doubt. Thank you. Let's take a break.

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Every time we film, I'm staring right at her and I yawn in her face while she's talking. Yeah. Yeah. And let me also, I'm going to say, and we're back by the way. Are we recording? We're back. Okay. I was thinking about you on the way here because we're interviewing you. Yeah. And I thought, wow, four years in a gated love relationship. That really inspires me. However, last week-

We did an episode about love and this fucking rotted motorcycle bitch looked me right in the face. And I said, do you think I could fall in love? She says, you are an unfuckable monster. I didn't say unfuckable. I said unlovable. Don't be unfair. She said, no one will ever love you. No one will ever fuck you. Not with that teeny little tiny teeny cunt you have.

Well, this is David's first long relationship. Really? I mean, I had other boyfriends, but not this long. Really? What was the longest? You had other boyfriends until last week? Yeah. Nine or ten months was the... That's pretty long. Yeah. That's pretty long. I think anything after six months is noteworthy. Mm-hmm. He met my family, came to Thanksgiving, so that was like... Right, right, right. You know. Now, and you guys, without getting too personal, describe your penis. Just kidding. How... Like, what...

Come see any of my shows. I've talked about David's penis on my tour many times. Okay, okay. In front of my mother, my father, my sister. And let me just say this. I don't want to disappoint myself. Thousands of strangers. No, that's what I want to ask you. I want to say, because I want to ask, how is it to be in a relationship with someone who makes their living by talking about your personal life?

I don't always love it. You don't always love it. Is there anything off the table? Is there anything that you guys have like mutually agreed on that is not discussable or everything's kind of like up for grabs? Well, Brian, I'll be like, we're a very private couple. And then I'll get all seasoned and be like, last week I was fucking my boyfriend and his dick. Fucking my boyfriend and his dick. Well, that's the thing is we've been together so long that all of my like relationship or sex stories are usually about him now. So I can talk about, I mean like,

I can talk about guys I've slept with before him, but like even a hookup in the last five years, isn't as interesting as like a relationship is interesting story. I have asked him, like my family does come to see your shows and I do think I asked you to like change. It wasn't about me. Oh yeah. You were like this good this one time. I changed it from my boy to this other guy. This other guy. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. But he's pretty, I mean, let's be kind of like say he's never told me not to say anything.

That's really nice of you. I mean, there's also records selling that are songs all about him. So like he gets the good and the bad. That one's about me. That one's about me. Oh yeah, that's right. Gets the good and the bad. The good and the bad. That's nice. Well, that's why, you know, when we made the film, that was my love letter to you as these albums are...

a love letter to me. Yeah. That's disgusting. That is disgusting. But I do get kind of, you know, when you're in drag and you just feel like, I don't know about you, but when we're together, especially on camera, things come out of my mouth. I never would have thought I was going to say that day. And so on stage, especially when I'm writing jokes about our sex life. Yeah. I also, I've never written a joke where I'm,

David's the bad boyfriend. David's bad in bed. It's always, this is my great boyfriend and I'm the piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so the detail about David is how like good in bed he is or how great. And then I'm like the garbage. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. You're never the butt of the joke. Never. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. That's good. Never. That's good. Until the next show. Play the penguin. Do the penguin. Oh, David. Silver. Silver.

Well, what are you looking for in a partner? Okay. I'm so glad you asked. 38 to 42 years old. Mexican from Mexico City. He comes from money, but he made it out on his own because he went through a short thing with his parents, but they're good now. Diego? Diego. Yeah.

I'm flexible on the name only. Only the name. No, really. What are you? What would your ideal partner look like? Tuesday nights, Friday nights into Saturday mornings. See, Kati and I are very similar. And I always say people want, people want our friendship and people want my relationship with you. Yeah. No, they don't. No, they don't. But I think we're similar that if you wanted a boyfriend, you would still want one or two days to yourself a week, right? One or two? Yeah.

David, David, David. What I feel like is Gloria fucking slots. Cause I think what David's been gracious with in our relationship is space. Time gives me multiple days a week to just be at home working alone. I like my, my alone time as well. We're not codependent. I called David last night freaking out cause I'm sick. And he said, I can't talk right now. I'm watching my stories.

Oh my God. I just nutted. And then I said, he said, it's the Roni reunion. I hope you just hung up and had a rotary phone that clanged when you hung up the Bucca di Beppo. Bucca di Beppo. Did you watch that? Is that what you're talking about? No, I thought it was a reference to Beverly Hills housewives. It wasn't. I've never, and before the podcast started, we, I, I got the full lowdown about the Beverly Hills or the, the real housewives franchise of which I am kind of ignorant, but now I'm fascinated. I am a,

you are a super expert because you would you would you absolutely destroy in housewives trivia night I think so he would yeah I watch them all every single one like how many are there

I could tell you. Let me guess. New York. There's Beverly Hills. There's Atlanta. There's also Potomac. There's Florida. Is there a Florida one? No. There was Miami. Miami was canceled. There's Jersey.

Jersey and New York? Very different vibes. Is that all of them? No, there's also OC, Dallas, Salt Lake City is about to start. Are you serious? Salt Lake City? Mormon? Yeah. And then there's some foreign ones that I'm not a fan of. What about Paris? What about London? That would be great. Well, there was Ladies of London, which was basically Real Housewives of London. And there was Miami, there was DC. Those were long canceled. What's the highest rated one?

Beverly Hills, I believe. Beverly Hills. The one I see people, the one that I see people talking about on Twitter always is, uh, R.A. Roney and Roby. Yeah. So, or New York and Beverly Hills. So those are the Denise Richards drama this season really, uh,

Denise Richards is on it. But she quit. No, she quit. She, oh yeah, she was on it. What's your favorite quote? Oh, there's one commercial, one commercial that was not even important to the series. And I heard it and it stuck with me forever. And they were speculating about Denise's lesbians drama. And this girl goes, I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Denise Richards again. This girl. I was walking around my house saying it all day. I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Denise Richards again.

I couldn't stop saying it. You said it all the time. Lisa Rinna said that, not some girl. Some girl. Some girl. Some woman. Some woman with four gallons of silicone in her lips. Oh, they're beautiful. They are pretty amazing. She's psycho. I think they should replace Rushmore and put her lips up. David loves reality TV, and I always joke that he loves it so much that... Hello. Well, have you seen the Vegas review?

I've seen clips. It seems very Real Housewives. Yeah, it is. It's them fighting. Yeah, it's like Naomi Smalls in a tank top saying, so we just really needed to clear the air. Yes, 100%. And it was like that kind of thing. And I was like, okay. I don't think I'm into that. But I should watch before I... I'm not going to hate on it before I see it. It's the drama. It's good. Go brush your hair, bitch. Go brush your hair. It's iconic. That's pretty amazing. She's great on it. Yeah. She's so Housewives. Yeah, she's great.

I mean, their storylines, I mean, their story, I filmed like a little bit of a recap show that ended up scrapping, but it was, it's a little like, World of Wonder, don't burn my house down. But it was a little like trying to force certain storylines. Like, it's not that interesting that Vanjie's dating. Yeah. It's not interesting to watch her go on a blind date on camera. Oh, God damn. Not to mention, there is no blind date when you're a famous person. That doesn't exist. There's no blind date when you're in, there's no date when you're on camera. Well, yeah, if there's a camera there. It's not a date.

I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw Denise Richards again. I've just said it. I mean, that's how I feel. I wouldn't be surprised. Do you know what? We'll be right back. And we're back. I just got a flash. I just got a flash forward of us working on a big time movie set and having a problem. And I just whisper to you. I'm impressed. I've never seen Denise Richards ever again.

I don't know why it's so funny to me. It's very funny out of context. Because that's such a dramatic thing to, I wouldn't be surprised if we never saw that person again. Yeah. I wouldn't be surprised if that person disappeared forever. It's crazy.

And then that happened. And she just left the show, yeah. So what? Oh, my God. It's gripping. I'm compelled already. It was. Well, some of them are definitely actors. Like acting. Lisa Rinna knows what show she's on. Lisa Rinna is doing- She's an actress. Is she not? She's a soap actress, so she really- Oh, my God. She's doing a free form stream of consciousness dialogue to the camera. Yeah. I want to get on this show, like-

Not to mention there's that one scene where Lisa Rinna, they're fighting over that bunny and Lisa Rinna cheats out to the camera and almost on cue has a tear fall. One tear, one tear. And it's like...

It's some BB's of Harbin-A shit. It's fierce. Yeah. Except I remember on Drag Race whenever BB would cry, she would wipe the tear and there'd be no crying. Oh, she never cried. No. There was never a tear. Well, there are certain Drag Race queens, maybe they were on All Stars, but they would do things where they would go like this, but there would be no tears. You can't just touch your eyes. Yeah. And if there's no water from the eyes, you're not crying Mary.

I am very proud to say, I'm not proud of the fact that I cried on Drag Race, but I am not ashamed to admit that it was always real. It was real. Remember when Jaden Durer Fierce was crying and wiped her tear through the glasses? Through the lensless glass. Yeah, that was amazing. Through the frames. So fierce. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you get into reality TV? Just... How did Bravo suck you in so fiercely?

David keeps the lights on at Bravo. Well, I remember in high school watching, you know, those VH1 date, like Flavor of Love, Surreal Life. Did you ever watch Elimidate? Yeah. What about Rock of Love? Yeah. I want Priyanka to do Crack Rock of Love for me.

She's going to host a reality dating show that's going to find my lover? Well, I've actually talked about this idea from Katya with Love. Have we never told you about this? No. Okay, David had an idea that I would host a dating show trying to get you wifed up and we would let men, women, pan, trans, whoever wants to be with a Russian transvestite hooker. Oh.

Oh my God. They would get to date you. Well, we got to fast track this. I'm ready to fall in love in the next two weeks. Great. This would be the opening too. Okay. The singles would all walk in, they would mingle and they would see a chopper coming. The chopper. The ladder would come down and you walk in from behind the frame.

It's not funny. And the helicopter flies away. I am so into it. I'll pay to be on it. And there would be a lot of things they'd have to do. We would have improv actors pretend to be your family, like Russian babushkas. They'd have to date my mom. Take your mom on a date. Gymnastics competitions. Fuck my sister. Some fear factor shit, drinking blood. There'd be some witchcraft. Yeah. Okay.

Prostitution. Yeah, prostitution. How many minutes can you survive in this pen with these hogs? A similar idea for a show I had was a few years ago, you and I hosting, looking for America's next male stripper.

Oh, so like this week they'd have to do chair dances and this week they're on a pole and this week it has to be family friendly. It'd be like male burlesque performers. I think, I think that show, I think our show is better. Our show is better. That's much more commercially viable. You think you can't show that on TV? I don't think so. I don't, I don't know what the audience for that.

Oh, that's true. But people trying to date you is fun. Yeah. And them living in a house, a bunch of people competing for your love. And I love, and I'm, I'm thinking of the cast. It's wild. Wild. And every season they've died and you're looking for your next one. And every season it's like a funeral. Oh, it starts with a funeral. It ends with a wedding. It's a comedy. Yeah.

That's a great idea. Get on it, producer. Come on. Are you on board? I'm on board. I'm not on drugs. Let's hit it. Great. Let's do it. We've got a small window here. We've got to get on the ground floor with this thing. But I think Real World was the gateway drug. I used to watch Real World, the slap around the world, which I recently told you about. Oh, yeah. Do you remember this? Do you sell drugs? No. Which one? Real World, Seattle. I was in sixth grade, I think. Yeah.

Irene left the house and she called Stephen gay and then he ran out and slapped her in the face around the world. I saw it. And he was gay. He was gay. Yeah. He turned out. Well, he was gay. But back then, I mean, that was the nineties. Yeah. Yeah. I remember San Francisco with Pedro and AIDS and he died. He died. Died. Yeah. He died. I remember Paris. They were old. They were old for the real world. They were 33 at the time.

Were they? Jed was. Well, my first job working, I moved to LA and I was a casting PA on The Real World and The Bad Girls Club. Yeah, that was my first job. Which one was it? Was there an Orlando thing?

No. Vegas. Vegas. Trishel. Yeah, Trishel. Okay, I remember Vegas. Trishel. And then I remember Paris. Paris was good. Those are the only two I watched. Did you remember London? I watched it from the beginning. You did. Wow. The first one. And I remember the... Because they had Puck. Yeah, Puck. That was one of the first few... That was LA. That was LA. Yeah. And then... He still does the challenge and stuff, right? No, Puck doesn't. But a lot of them do. It was wild. And then I remember I fell in love with... What's his name? He was in London. Yeah.

He had the blonde hair. He had a blonde... Do you ever watch London? Yeah, I watched the... I mean, it was... You can't find them. It's not like they're streaming anywhere. It was... Oh, God. And maybe Neil or something like that. And this kid from... I thought it was like my first TV crush. I was like hopelessly in love with him. Really? I mean, like...

big time, like obsessed. There were a lot of hot, like, was he gay? No. Oh, because there were a lot of like, I don't know if they were even, I think they were out on the show. What's the equivalent of the real world now? Would you say it's like Big Brother? Yeah, I think so. Big Brother Survivor? Big Brother's wild. When I talked to Michelle, I was like, how did you do that? And she was like, honestly,

It was the boredom that was difficult because you can't listen to music and there's no TV. Right. She was like, that's why there's so many clips of me getting in drag. She's like, I had nothing to do then put makeup on and take it off and put on again. That,

Now that makes sense with Courtney because I'm like, she won. Yeah. But also like getting in, I was like getting in drag. Like I was like, this seems like a nightmare, but when you put it that way, what are you going to do? What else are you going to fucking do? I'm going to get in drag. I'm going to get top and bottom lashes on. Yeah. She really won that shit. That was amazing. When, when Courtney won, that was almost like, I mean, I won drag race that year, I think, or no, she won it right before I won drag race. And I remember thinking like,

winning drag race is cool, but a drag queen winning big brother is so cool. And I remember I was at the gym when I saw that, that picture of her uncooked chicken. Um,

When the wardrobe malfunctioned, I was like. Do you think it was a stunt? I thought it was. I knew it was a stunt, A, number one. I was like, there's no way that's not on purpose. But then I was like, Courtney, you humiliated yourself. You humiliated me. I thought it was like, you are so, like, I was like, I felt embarrassed for her. And then I was like, oh. No, it was brilliant. She's a genius. Brilliant. By the way, in that, like, candid dick out photo, she still looks better than any of us. I know. Any of us. I know, I know.

It was amazing. I remember when she won, she had that side ponytail on with like blue eyebrows and she was sitting there with Ann, that old woman. Remember the clip of the woman trying to flatten her hair and she can't flat iron her own hair. Yeah.

It was cool when she won. I mean, I couldn't. Ross did it too, right? Ross Matthews did the American one. Did he? He tied, right? With Marissa Jarrett. Or he lost to Marissa Jarrett. He was second place. Would you ever do a show like that? Lock yourself in a house with 24-7? Like Alaska did Scared Famous, remember? Not in one million years. Big Brothers, they're filming you in the shower. Not in one million fucking years, I would. Scared Famous, Alaska did. That's in a house. That's what Tiffany Pollard did. Oh, really? That was fun. We watched that when it came out. Yeah.

I didn't see that one she did it right after she won all stars okay it was fun yeah they didn't do more it wasn't I mean it wasn't the show I don't think it was a big hit but we watched we watched it yeah Tiffany Pollard is an icon Tiffany Pollard is she's like the she's the could you bring that level to your show

I would absolutely, yes, I would. I would aspire to that level. I would commit. Tiffany is so amazing. I would commit. She's so beautiful. Brunch with Tiffany is on VH1 now. It was a web series and now they have it on VH1. She has brunch with people. Was that the one where she had brunch with Nina Bonina and Nina Bonina looked so incredible? She had Nina? Yeah. Oh, really? Bob's been on it. I only saw the Bob episode.

Anita Bonita looked so amazing. She was just dressed. We love Tiffany Pollard. One time me and David, we heard she was at Evita. And we were like, let's just, were we drunk?

Of course. We were like, let's just go. Who knows, right? And I think we were at Precinct. And then we decided to go to Evita to see if we could just glimpse her from across the room. And luckily, from being TV famous, they took my hand. I grabbed David's hand. They brought us to VIP and just sat us next to her. And David was having a meltdown. I've never seen you smile so big in my life. In a full animal print catsuit with sunglasses on. With the champagne wiggling. And her butt and her body, she just looked incredible. Yeah, I have a very blurry picture with her that you took that night.

Yeah. And she just, it was so exciting to meet her. And then, um,

She loves the Queens. I've seen her host a show at precinct. She hosts drag shows all the time. Yeah. She, I mean, she would do that in Portland as well. She's fierce. So cool. You know what though? You don't need, I mean, not that she's not a huge celebrity. I mean, you know, she's no Anne Heche, but she's, she's big up there. You just need people to be rabid for you because she can go to an Applebee's and throw an event and it'll be sold out. Yeah. She'll be a star forever. Yeah. You should have her on the podcast. Oh,

That's a great idea. I wonder if she would come over. I don't know. We could ask her. I'm going to ask her. We're going to ask her. David. David. David. Brian's. Brian's. David. Brian's. Let me ask you this. Yeah. Could you ever imagine yourself in a thruple? Not with me, but in a thruple. That's a really good question. I don't know. I mean, watching that Vegas show, they all sleep in a bed together. Well, that's what brought it to my head. I was like, a thruple. I was like, one person's life.

What do you think the person would be like if we were in a throuple? And what would the circumstances be? Yeah.

It would have to say you're on the road so much. I mean, I feel like somebody, you know what I mean? Like imagine, imagine this. You meet a lovely night, a lovely guy named Glenn and, um, and he's on the road. Oh my God. Nine months out of the year. The big tour. Oh yeah. You're all languishing at home. Lonely nipples. Perky. Oh, Glenn comes by. Glenn, David, Glenn, uh, um, Glenn and Glenn comes by and he says, hi. Well,

Well, without spilling too much of our personal life, I don't really police David's sexuality. Okay. So like... It doesn't have to be gay. No, it's...

It's not like if I'm on the road, David is like left out to dry. No, no, no. I know that. I know that. But that's what I mean. Like it would have to be. But would we ever like in a relationship, like a throuple? Yeah, because it would have to be more than sex, obviously, for us to even consider. But then do you always have to spend time? I don't know. No. Yeah. What is the chemistry requirement? What are the prerequisites chemistry wise for a throuple? We have different types. I don't even know what that person. We do have different types. Because I would want a 45 year old man. Yeah.

head to toe covered in hair. Yeah. Jobless, you know, ready to just bench press me. And David, I think David has different instincts. Yes. We have different instincts sexually. I think. Yeah. If Jake Gyllenhaal is listening, that's a great celebrity crush. Top three. Jake Gyllenhaal. Now from what movie?

From all of them? All of them? He's so hot. Does it matter? Every movie. What about Velvet Buzzsaw? Yeah, no, no, no. The one we saw, Tom Ford movie. Oh, Nocturnal Animals. Bitch, he was so hot in that. Him with Michael Shannon trying to murder people. Did you not see that? Tom Ford. I certainly did.

He was that hot. I certainly did. Fantastic. Oh, that was when Isla Fisher played her doppelganger. Okay. Got it, got it, got it. Strange film. Loved it. So good. When he left her ass at that restaurant at the end. He's very sexy. Oh, that's right. That was him. I've never even considered being in a throuple, but I don't think Derek and his husband did until it happened. So let's just go wild and say Jake Gyllenhaal

gets him you're on set somehow with Jake Gyllenhaal and you hit it off you hit it off and it's in a you're like this is the twilight zone I can't believe this is happening long story short you but fuck he's fucking you in the butt or you're fucking him in the butt and then two weeks later it's still going on somehow you manage to avoid the tabloids you're like whatever I'm just gonna ride this wave out he's on tour and then you're just fucking each you're raw dogging each other in the butt every three times a fucking day you and Jake Gyllenhaal and then guess what you come home and then the three of you

Could that work? Well, then I would have to vibe with him. Yeah, you'd have to. Yeah. Do you think he's a vibe with Jake? Is it a vibe? Could you vibe? Female celebrity crush. Who is it?

Well, as a teenage boy, Buffy is my favorite show. I used to think I was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar. Okay. Not anymore. Not anymore. Okay. But like as a 14 year old, I had pictures of her all over my like. Okay. Yeah. I thought. Cool. Yeah. Penelope Cruz. I had a big crush on. Yeah. She's pretty like. She's universal. Ava Green. Ava Green. I'm looking forward to her. David's are Shalice Theron at Gelson's.

I did. 5'10", over 5'10", 11'16". Tall, tall woman. Tall. The best celebrity sightings go to the grocery store. Angelina Jolie at Gelson's. If I saw Charlize, I'm not kidding, I would have to grab her cart and say, I'm so sorry to bother you. Your performance in Monster was incredible. I saw it as a teenager. I still think about it all the time. And she would say, get your hand off my fucking cart, you faggot. Get the fuck out of here, you fucking faggot. Because I always think in LA, people don't want to hear that you liked their project from 10 years ago.

Because if you told Buffy, like, I loved Buffy, she'd be like, what about foodstirs, bitch? You know what I mean? She'd be mad. Have you seen foodstirs? Yeah, it's the food. No, it's not a movie. Yeah, I know. Oh, wow. I really don't want you guys to fight. This is awkward. He's going to have to hit me as soon as this is over. Well, it's over. That was it? David. David. Wow. What a pleasure. You're the love of my life. You're the love of my life. I'm going to go.

I'm not going to plug where to find you because I want you to have your privacy. Yes. But please check out David's film, Moving Parts, on Netflix. Please go buy it. Go on iTunes and buy it. Just going to say this, David makes more money if you buy it, so just buy it. You got $10? What is it, $10? Yeah, $9.99. $9.99. What the fuck are you doing? That's two coffees. Here's what we learned, though. During this process, a lot of people, the film was on sale and then it was on Netflix and people were going,

Oh, I'm so glad it's on Netflix. I can finally watch it for free. Fuck you. Netflix isn't free. Netflix is not free. You're paying for it. And we're employees of Netflix. We certainly are. It's not free. It's not free. There's a monthly charge for that. And guess what? Guess what you also do on Netflix a lot? Spend a lot of time scrolling because although I do love Netflix, they have a lot of garbage programming. So you waste no time when you go straight to iTunes and you click on that buy button and you buy that movie. And guess what? You own it for life. You know what?

I can only watch that documentary about white people stinging themselves with bees so many times. Seriously? Wait, speaking of stinging yourself, can I plug my OnlyFans? Sure. People, hello people. Hi.

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It's you just crushing crickets with your bare feet. It's very erotic. David will plug all the OnlyFans he's currently subscribed to. Zero. We're in the poor house. He's eating us out of house and home with his OnlyFans subscription. I do enjoy OnlyFans. Occasionally. It's a great way to support people directly. I normally just do a month.

Just, yeah, try. I just need to see what's up. Yeah, what's going on. Yeah, try. Because let's be honest, most of these OnlyFans, they're not uploading often enough to make it that worth it. Sweetie, I'm uploading every day. You better believe it. Content. Every day. Queen of content. That content train has left the station and she is full speed expressed to your house. Okay? And if you like the music, you heard it moving parts, you can check out the soundtrack available on iTunes recorded by me. That's right. That I forced you to do. Yeah. And when...

And that's it. And that's it. Bye. Bye.