This Episode Produced & Directed by Simone Biles with Bob the Drag Queen and Katya
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I want to tell you about this hat. Please. Are we recording? I was going to ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So this hat was a gift. Were you really going to ask about it? No. That's why I went ahead and put the difference out there. This hat was a gift for me on my birthday, maybe like 2020. Okay. Or 2021. Okay. And this hat used to belong to Carol Channing. You're full of shit. I'm not. My boyfriend brought this and several other hats from Carol Channing's estate sale. You're full of shit. She was selling hats,

gowns and she was also selling a Golden Globe and a Tony Award. Well, she wasn't selling. She was not. She was there being like, please, by the way. $4,000. How much did it cost? For the Golden Globe? No, the hat. I think the hat was about $400. It wasn't that expensive. That's pretty good for an estate sale. He bought a box of hats. He bought like four or five of these for like, I think, like $1,200. Wow.

Okay. And then the certificate of authenticity. Yes. Okay. And how did that manifest itself? Well, we just drove down to the place and like, it was all at this like warehouse in the Valley. Okay. It wasn't at her house. So how did you know that it was really her? Because it comes with like a authentication and then it shows pictures of her wearing these things and had her gowns and her, her, her,

Her golden globe and stuff was there. And it's an auction house. So it was like, this place has like tons of these things. And the golden globe was $20,000. I believe that. I believe that. Would you buy a golden globe for $20,000? The fuck I would. No. What if it was like, how about an Olympic gold medal?

From Simone Biles? Maybe. No. I'd rather just shake her hand. What about one of your favorite, like, uh... I would rather, I would rather, I would pay $20,000 to lick Simone Biles' foot. I think she's, have you seen it by her husband? Mama. Mama. Sweetie. Darling.

Babalina. Do you know someone by the name of Sabina? Roberta. Roberta the drag queen. I'm obsessed. You got me together. You got me together. I sent you a text message. I was like, doopie, doopie, doopie, doopie, doop. It was green. I was like, oh, Android. Okay, whatever. I...

Samsung gang, what it do? Girl, the pictures are fierce. I have an iPhone too. It's in my bag. Sure, sure, sure. Listen, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I do, it's in my bag. Yeah, of course. We all have an iPhone in our bag. No, no, no. Don't worry about the bag.

You know, I don't need to prove anything to you. You got me two fags. These are women. Excuse your mouth. I'm talking to people watching. They're all fags. No, they're not. They're lovely people eating food. If they're watching this, I don't care what they do in their personal life. I don't care. They're fags. 35-year-old woman, fags. The lesbians, fags. And the small children watching, fags. Fags.

Girl, you got me together. I don't know what I was doing. I was looking at my phone. And your impression of Simone Biles' husband. Actually, I don't even know who this bitch is. I never heard of this bitch. Yeah. It's like, oh, even people on Mars, people who are dead. Carol Channing knows who Simone Biles is. She goes, I feel she's fantastic. The thing about Simone Biles is, okay, for those of you who don't know, Simone Biles' husband is a...

player for the NFL, but he's like not a big, he's a free agent, so he's not a big deal right now. No shade. He's doing quite well for himself, I'm sure. Sure. I'm

Sure. But he's not Simone Biles, who is inarguably the most impressive athlete of all time. Ever on Earth. Especially still working in athletics. Ever. So this guy is like, you're a professional athlete and you're like, I actually didn't know who Simone Biles was.

well you're gonna love water then yeah i mean literally yeah literally you're gonna love food we tell you about grass you're gonna think this is crazy so i did find that very i just it's very suspicious girl i'm the pride but it's okay to say it's okay to say i get that question a lot and it makes me feel insecure because my wife is so famous and so accomplished and i just want to be clear that we both feel like we are prizes to each other that's not what he said i'm the prize i don't

even know this bitch. Yeah. She begged me. Simone. Simone. Simone. Literally. Bowles. Bowles. Bowling bitch. Sally Bowles. She's the one from Chicago from Cabaret. Yeah. Sally Bowles. So imagine my shock when I showed up and it wasn't Liza Minnelli.

Circa 1960, whatever. I fucked her anyways. What year did Cabaret come out? I want to... 60's too far back. 60's way too far back. I want to say 73. 79, I think. You say 79? I'm going to say... I think you're right. What is it? 72. Dang, I was so close. I love Cabaret. Do you love Cabaret? Very good movie. But wait a minute, though. The movie's fabulous. Yes, yes. The production...

Of the... The productions of it live. There's been many productions of it. I haven't seen it. Did you see the Alan Cumming one? No, I did not. But I did see one in London with Trixie.

and while he was in it no god no jesus christ i never would have gone no no no no she's like strumming i mean that would have been cute like bluegrass version but um it was a lot of songs that i have not heard because cabaret the movie is cute and short oh the play is quite upsetting two hours before the intermission two hours before the intermission yeah it's quite upsetting i was like

And it's really sad. It's devastating. It's grim. And when you see Sally Bowles singing Life is a Cabaret, it's actually not this big celebration. It's kind of this artist accepting that she's truly mediocre. And there's a very grim, dark undertone to all of it. Yeah, because it's all happening in Germany during the World War. And Simone Biles was... Simone Biles...

I mean, they got allied forces. And no one in her husband was a no one. And no one knew who he was. But cabaret is that what about Chicago? Chicago is this is candor and ab. Yeah. I'm obsessed with Chicago. I think the show is great. The stage show. I think that the Chicago, the movie is one of the best movie musicals of all time. So three times in the theater. I'm going to give a top three. Oh, interest. What's the other two?

Dream Girls. Okay. Little Shop of Horrors. Oh. And I did not say Wizard of Oz. Oh, interesting. I don't know. I mean, movie musicals. Is that the top three? Yeah, I'm talking about movie musicals. I would say Cabaret Chicago and, oh, uh. Santa, dude.

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it. From Justin and Kelly. Crossroads. Does that count? Does that count? Do you remember from Justin and Kelly? I know about it. I've never seen it. Simone in that one? Simone in that one? She directed. And he doesn't know who she is. The most famous fucking director in Hollywood. On top of being the greatest athlete of all time. Is the Book of Mormon a movie yet? No, not yet. No. Did you know that Mean Girls, the musical, came out? No. I...

Sorry. No. I literally had no clue. I was at the movie and I was like, Mean Girls? What? As a movie. Oh, Hairspray. Hairspray. Hairspray is good. That would be my top three. Hairspray was good. It's very white top three. But I'm white. You are. I don't know if you noticed that. I didn't want to say anything.

I don't identify as white. I'm screaming. Grab your Android and get out of here, girl. My Samsung car is here to pick me up. You've seen the movie Blackening?

No, what is it? Oh wait, this is the one where the black people don't die first because everyone's black. I watched it last night. It's a movie about black folks and they go into a cabin in the woods. I've seen the trailer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Describe it to them. Okay, so for all you non-black folks out there, it's a movie where a bunch of black friends get together, a reunion of sorts from college, I think, on Juneteenth.

And they go to a cabin in the woods where they are forced to play a game by this racist looking Sambo character. Who's like speaking kind of like a saw trap kind of like you have to play a game. You have 10 seconds to do this, this and this. And the first round is like, you have to name, um, you have to do black trivia.

Okay. Do you remember any of the questions? How many seasons did Black and Viv play before she was replaced by Light Skin and Viv? Light Skin and Viv. I want to say, well, I knew it was two, but Tracy did tell me, but I just want to say I knew it was three. It was three? Yes, Mary. It's three. And her name is, wait, Dark Skin and Viv. Oh, I can't remember her name, but I want to say her name, but I can't. I know you want to. It was Simone Biles. Simone Biles.

Obviously. Simone Biles, the infamous actor, movie director, gymnast. Yeah, and replacement or originator of the role. Writer, director, multi-talented. Yeah, she came back in light-skinned makeup. Not one mention of her in the film. I was plucked. Plucked. What do you mean? Of Simone Biles? Yes. Plucked. Well, what? Well, what? I was sitting at home with my family.

And we were watching Christmas movies over the holidays. And we were like, what should we watch? And we came across Jingle Jangle. I'm a big fan of Forrest Whitaker. Forrest Whitaker is a brilliant actor. Won the Oscar for The Last King of Scotland. Yep. Felicia Rashad. So I don't know anything about it. I just saw, oh my God, I love Forrest Whitaker. The movie comes on. I said, oh my God, it's Felicia Rashad. And then within the next like five seconds, we realized it's a musical. Everyone in my family was like, oh my God.

And I'm like, and I had to pause the movie and go, okay, you guys don't want to watch it? No, we don't want to watch it. We're not really into musicals. I asked myself, I'm obviously not going to get this answer from you, but why do black people by and large not like musicals? I'll tell you.

- I'll tell you, 'cause girl life ain't that funny. - I mean, that probably is the answer. But my nephew was like, it's cheesy, it's cringe. - It's corny. - It is corny. But you know why, you know what's not corny about Cabaret in Chicago? Their numbers. They're doing numbers. They're doing, they're as a viewer. - And Dreamgirls too. - Exactly. - In Dreamgirls, they're doing numbers. - Yeah, they're singers. - On stage.

Maybe the reason why black folks like dream girls is because, well, they're singers. Why wouldn't they be singing? Exactly. But when it comes to, I'm going to the kitchen to make literally like when it comes to jingle jangle, it's like you're a fucking toy maker. Yeah. Stop. Maybe if you stop singing, your toys will get made. Boom.

Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. But I love musicals. There are black people who love musicals. No, I don't. But by and large, I feel like black people... What about The Color Purple? I feel like a lot of black people did not know it was a musical, which is...

crazy to me because it's advertised as a musical and Fantasia's singing all throughout. Also, Jingle Jangle gives you a little hint. Yeah, it says jingle right there in the title. Jingle Jangle. True. Or the Quentin Tarantino version, Jingle Jango. If there's one thing that man loves to do is show feet and say the N-word. Did you notice that? You get N-words and feet. Who's the guy from Nickelodeon who was obsessed with feet?

- There was a guy who worked at Nickelodeon who was like obsessed with feet. - Oh, like the Dan Schneider. - And that was the dude who like- - You said Dan, right? - Like Selena Gomez and all those people were like- - And who's the one from iCarly? Miranda Cosgrove, who's become- - What is iCarly? Is that like an iPhone? - I never watched iCarly, but I think iCarly- - Is that like an iPhone? - She was like a YouTuber, right? She was a YouTuber and she called herself iCarly 'cause she was like, "Oh, 'cause I'm internet, internet Carly."

I'm assuming the I stood for internet. Is an iPhone an internet phone? I think an iPhone is like an internet phone. And I think an iPod is like an internet pod. Damn. You learn something new every day. But they didn't get on the internet back then. They sure didn't. I feel like I've Googled what the I stands for and they're like, it doesn't stand for anything. Just like, you know, Wi-Fi is not an acronym. Wi-Fi doesn't mean anything. It's not like high fidelity or wireless fidelity. It's just like Wi-Fi.

I think I looked it up and I was like, what does wifi stand for? They're like, well, in France, they say wifi. That's weird. Isn't it weird to you that like, sometimes French people get so aggressive with Americans when we don't say like, but they say, mama, don't even start me on the French. You,

You talk – They do smoke a lot. I speak very, very good French, and I have a very good accent. Not perfect because any French person will tell me it's not perfect. We talked about you on the podcast when we talked about your French. Well, I have a good French. I speak French well, and I have a very good French accent. But, girl, ask a French person. I'm like, no, she doesn't. They're like, fuck this bitch. Whereas Americans will be like, even if you're speaking in the most broken – like, yeah, some of us don't speak English. Mm-hmm.

We've been pretending like Arnold Schwarzenegger speaks English for 40 years. Or Salma Hayek. Biggest accent in the world. 30 years in America has not dropped the accent so fierce, by the way. We're like, yeah. We're like, yeah. Charo speaks English. She doesn't speak one word of English. Everyone's like, yeah, Charo from Spain speaks perfect English. We're not giving Charo a hard time. We're like, she fucking, she speaks enough.

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Arnold could only say, I'll be back. That was the only thing he could actually get out in the Terminator. Do you know that he doesn't speak Russian? I mean, German or Austrian.

Oh, no, he, that's not true. Like anymore. Oh no, anymore. Okay. In interviews, he will not, he only answers in English. So if the person across from is speaking German, he will only respond in English. And like, there's like a rare interview of him, like a very, I've seen it. Long, long, long ago. Speaking German. And he,

I think he's just embarrassed now because he's been speaking. Cause I had a teacher, uh, Ms. Hendricks, my math teacher in high school and she was German, but she just, she's like, yeah, I'm from Germany. And, but she goes, but you know, I haven't spoken to anyone in German because my family's American. My husband's American. My children are all American. All my friends are American. She's like, I don't speak German anymore.

And I, it was my, I didn't even speak English when I got here. Interesting. And she's like, and I just, I just can't speak German anymore. Well, girl, German is whack. German is whack. It's a tough one. It's so hard. It's, it's harder. It's just as hard or harder than Russian. And it's very hard to pronounce. Very hard to pronounce. And German people are so exact, precise and unfun in, in terms, in terms of like their, you know, the whole stereotype of German people being just like, well, it's not wrong,

wrong because i was in well okay berlin is different because berlin's kind of like new york city no one's from berlin no everyone's from everywhere else when i was in cologne we did we did the show there and i was like guys is madonna not literally performing directly in front of you because they're like this like is the queen of pop not up here literally dancing

her ass naked naked like is she not dressed like in a nun's habit is she not wearing these sparkly as jean-paul gaultier corseted dress you've ever seen in your life at the age of 65 did you guys not wait seven months to see this show oh yeah that was that's generous

I was like, this is wild. And I even learned a little bit of German because I said, um, um, Kern, which means like, are you all ready for an amazing show? And then I learned a little bit and I was trying to learn a little bit of different language in different places because I just wanted to like, you know who went up, went up,

Where? Italians. Oh, absolutely. Maybe if you show them the smallest, they'll be like, ah! Panties dropped. I mean, literally. All I said, I said, Milano, Licona, Lino Venturiche, La Regina, Tutti Super Madonna. And they were like, when did Bob literally become? Was she born here? This is crazy.

It's so fierce. That or Brazil, mama. If you say obrigado, pregnant. Literally. Pregnancies. Pregnancies. You're now the president. Yeah.

Never you've learned Portuguese. You are now the president of Brazil. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. I was looking at, although, you know what? It's funny. The opposite is really happens with Lana Del Rey. So her fans at concerts are wild. Like many fans are. But there's a clip of her on Instagram where she's singing, I got my red dress on tonight. No, you don't. It's...

Girl, I would not be able to continue. No, you don't. No, you don't. And he loves her. He loves, that person loves her. I'm guaranteed. Have you seen the Britney one? It's Britney in Vegas. Oh, fuck. And then this big pause and then she's building up. This guy goes, whoo! And then she goes, it's Britney, bitch. They know it's coming. So some of the audience is dead inside. This guy goes, whoo!

And she's like giggling. But that's throwing a bone to her. She's like, oh my God. It's me. It's Britney, bitch. What if she forgot? She was like, it's Madonna? Christina Aguilera? Simone Biles? She's like, wait, who?

She can do backflips or she could back in the day. Back in what day and who? She did them like at the VMAs and stuff. Back in what day and who? Like in the early 2000s. Back in what day and who? Christina, I mean, Britney Spears. Are we talking flip flops or backflips? A back handspring. Yeah, okay, okay, okay. A back handspring. Can you do any flips? I sure can. Like a back handspring? Yeah, if we're talking on the trembling, I can do backflips and back handsprings.

Okay, how about just on the ground? I would hurt my wrist, but I could do it if I had to. How are your wrists? My wrists are fabulous. You look fit. I'm actually the fittest I've ever been. Well, the fittest. I'm not the most muscular, but the fittest I've ever been in my life right now. How does that feel? Oh, it feels fabulous. I got a hip replaced.

Titanium rod, bitch. You got a hip replacement? Titanium rod, bitch. How did I miss this entire chunk of the Katya lore? Was this... Were you talking about it on the pod and stuff? I don't think I talked about it that much, but yeah. Ow! Do you have a scar? I do. Hold on. Yeah, I'll show you. It's...

Is this from all the moving and... No. Smoking meth. Just kidding. Oh, my God. It goes straight to your hip. Straight. Just the right one. No one tells you. Just the right one. No one tells you it goes straight to your hip. You got to go to A. Everyone's like, the teeth, the skin. No one's talking about the hips. Those old people breaking hips, girl, they're on meth. Check the pookie. Oh, you think grandma's just old? She's on meth. Everyone you've ever seen limping. Meth. Meth.

Miles. Meth! Why do you think she dropped out of the London Olympics? Meth! Okay, ooh, shit, shit. Was it the London? Was it London? No. No, no, no, no. What about London? The Olympics that she... Oh, God. Are you really into the Olympics? I'm into women's artistic gymnastics.

How do you go out ribbon dancing? That's our, that's rhythmic. Drag me. So no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, because those are two very different sports and it's fascinating. If you're interested, just tell me when to shut up. And I will. This is interesting because I love the idea that I know that several every year, at least probably a few people get Olympic gold medals for ribbon dancing.

Yes, absolutely. Which is kind of major. But there's also, there's not only the ribbon, there's the club, the ball, the hoop. And then you have the all around. Like a hula hoop. Yeah. And the club, is it just like the juggling club? The club, two clubs. Yeah. Like a juggling club. Yeah. Yeah. And the ribbon is probably the most beautiful flashy, of course. And the ball is fabulous. It's all, it's contortion. It looks like a big yoga ball. It's about this big. But they like,

Like move it around their body and like flip on it. Manipulate it, throw it up. I mean, there are all kinds of stuff. But rhythmic gymnastics as a sport is incredibly corrupt because all of these – because like artistic gymnastics, you know, you see at the Olympics, Simone Biles. All the code of points and the structure of the sport is based on aesthetics, right? Like –

it's kind of governed by how it looks. It's not like swimming where you have time. Yeah, it's just like, and that's basically someone's discretion to be like, I think this backflip looks pretty and I think her backflip looks ugly. There's no instant replay. For the longest time, the sport changes all the time in terms of how they evaluate it. But with rhythmic gymnastics, girl, it's a fucking mess. And why are they always moving the goalposts for Simone Biles?

Excuse me? I mean, I know why. What do you mean moving the goalposts? I feel like Simone Biles does all these things and they're like, she's so good. We have to push it further back. They hate her. Like, what's their problem? They can't stand her. Because she's too good. Uh-huh. And she shows everyone like, oh, fucking Simone Biles is here. Uh-huh. It's like, there's Simone Biles. Simone Biles, famed LA director. Yeah. I mean, Killers of the Flower Moon, that picture just directed by Simone Biles. She did it during the Olympics. And still got a gold medal. Exactly.

She led the allied forces to victory. You should have him on your podcast. I would be so annoying. The amount of restraint it would require me to have a civil, short, brief, respectful conversation with her is probably something I do not have. What do you mean the husband? You should have him on. Oh, girl. Who? Exactly. What's his name again? LeBron James. LeBron. No, LeBron James is a famous basketball player. This man is lit. Jerry. Jerry Seinfeld. Owens. Oh.

Owens. How tall he? I'm going to guess he's probably like 6'3 or 6'5. Simone's about 5 foot. How tall is he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Simone's, listen, Simone's a shorty. She is. That's probably why he looks so tall because Simone Biles is probably like what, 4'10, 5 feet, 5'1? I think she's just under 5. She's just under 5 probably.

Can I tell you what? I love guessing heights, numbers, and populations. Mine is in ages of actresses over 40. Can I quiz you? I mean, yeah, I'm not amazing at it, but I'm pretty good. Glenn Close. 70. I'm going to say Glenn Close is probably 73. 76. How about Selma Hayek? 52. I don't even have a guess for Miss Hayek.

57. I saw her in person. She looks 47. You know who looked like, I was like, where's the child you have locked in the basement? Angela Bassett.

Well, yeah, do it. I mean, she has a deal with the devil. She has a deal with the devil. I mean, her devil is her trainer is the devil. The devil's Ryan Murphy. He is the devil. So, Ryan Murphy has this reputation where he, I literally just like plugged his show on my podcast, but whatever. So let's drag him. Let's unplug it. Ryan Murphy has this thing where he like, doesn't like to be critiqued by other queer people. And Bianca was like making jokes about Ryan Murphy on YouTube.

Twitter. She mentioned about everyone on Twitter. And then Ryan Murphy was like, he tweeted back and he was like, but instead of being like, got you, but he was like, I can't believe you would say something like this about me. Mama, did you see Kathy Bates? So he, Kathy Bates, when she won an Emmy for American Horror Story, she forgot to, during her speech, she forgot, this is in her, one of her like Vogue 73 questions or whatever it's called. Those W interviews that they go through their career.

She forgot to mention Ryan Murphy to thank him during her acceptance speech. And she was so horrified by it. And he made her, he was like, I can't believe you forgot to mention me. And he went to go back and do it? Like, what did he? No, he was like plucked. Isn't that nasty, girl? It's like, why? I'm like, girl.

Fuck off. Miss Murphy, get the fuck out of here. But he did not like that Bianca called him out. I wonder why. It made like a simple joke. It was something like this. Bianca's jokes ain't even that funny. I mean, what is he offended by? Girl, showing your ass. He was very upset. And he was like, I can't believe you would say this about me. Girl, make a good show and then we'll have a conversation. And I think it was something along the lines of like, we as, he just,

We as queer people eat my ass. Can you find the interaction on Twitter? Bianca Maria, Ryan Murphy. There was something. There was some background. I know I'm not making this up. It could be a gay assistant. Now let's just leave that. For Ryan or for Bianca? Ryan. Yes. It's Simone Biles. Simone Biles is both our assistants. She's running Ryan Murphy's Twitter. And Bianca fighting herself. I love Simone Biles. Not every woman, but every person. I'm every person. They're all in me. I just go.

And I'm four foot eight. I just flip out of the room. I did see it. Yeah. I saw it in New Jersey. I can't believe she's appeared that high. Do you see Simone Biles in the Renaissance? So I watched the movie. Let's skip around a second. I, we, I watched the movie in the theater and, um, the fucking God, I mean the nerve, this is so, it is so fascinating to me about Beyonce is,

She devoted about 12 minutes to the lovely women who are constructing this incredible stage on the screen. And not one whisper of a mention of the word. What did she have? What is it about her? Wig. What wig? Her wig? Mama.

It's not the Beyonce show. It's the Beyonce and the fabulous fucking wiggery. Did she not throw her hair? No. Oh, she ended up making a shot of her hairdressers? Oh, she was like, this is my... No, no. She said makeup, glam, hair, stylist, whatever. But I want to know... Who made this wig? No, I want to know the Swedish girls chained in the basement who are growing this hair. Donating this hair to you. Donating? What?

Because the way I watch it all on Instagram is that unfolded the fashion show, the hair, the wind, her expert, like, it's just. Do you think she's like, like, like, uh, has like, you know, some people have like five wigs that just keep swapping out. They're like, I know what I want on my head. You ever got a new wig and you're like, it doesn't feel like, it's kind of like, do you ever reuse your lashes?

The best is the third time. If they're big. If they're big. Right? If they're big. The first time is like, I can't even get them to stay on. A wig out of the bag. I got to chain it to the radiator or tie it to the exhaust pipe, take it around the block a few times. It forms to your head. So do you think she has these wigs that she's like, these are my girls? Her secret hidden wig technology is probably up there with like Tesla. Yeah.

- NASA. - Do you know what I mean? NASA, it's probably funded by NASA. Of course it's overseen by Simone. - Obviously. - But it's like a shell corporation just for the research and development of these hair pieces. - I mean, her hair is quite stunning. I mean, I saw her live in Jersey. I didn't go see the movie, but I did see her in New Jersey. And I was very impressed with just, first of all, seeing her in person, I was like, oh my God, Beyonce has freckles. - Really?

And you see, she's normally so done up. And I was like, oh my God, Beyonce. I can like see the texture of her skin. And it was stunning by the way. She's a real person. But it wasn't what we see in pictures. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, Beyonce has, I was, I was so close. I could have, I could have lightly tossed her a bottle of water if she asked me to. She didn't. She did not. But I could have been like with very little effort. Did you enjoy the show? I did. It was a great show. So I'm, uh,

- Now, even if Simone Biles was doing a three hour show, I would get a little antsy just because the nature of my personality and my nervous system. - Well, here's a mistake I made. I heard you go back on tour. Here's some advice I wanna give you all if you're gonna go see

Madonna, I mean, Beyonce show. Oh, okay, Beyonce show. I was in the Beehive. There's no sitting in the Beehive. What's the Beehive? The Beehive is like the area closest to the stage. You're like, so the stage is like a stage, a runway, and a circle. Yes, yes, yes. So it's a stage, a runway, and then it makes a big circle. Trapped. Trapped. Everyone else has seats. Everyone else has seats. Oh, boy. I'm getting anxiety. I'm getting anxiety. I'm in the most expensive seats. I am where I wanted to be cut.

Did you wear heels, you fucking whore? Did I wear heels? Are you a Nicki fan? I'm like, pull up on the Sri Lanka. Like, what? I was wearing these gigantic sequin platform. That nobody can see, girl. Yeah, I found out. Also, as I'm walking there, everyone's like, a lot of people recognize me. So like, you know, I want to look kind. They're like, Bob, Bob, Bob. And now you can't leave. You definitely can't leave. And I want to be schleppy. Oh.

And I'm like, everyone's like yelling Bob. So I want to be, I want everybody to be fair. Simone Piles did not yell Bob. Well, she was singing. She was singing and in the audience and building the beautiful screen.

But as I was standing there and she started pretty close on time. I think that anything, anything like within like 30 minutes is, is for me on time. Okay. You don't think so? We're going to talk about Madonna after that. I'm going to talk about Madonna because we're not talking about the current tour that you're on. I'm talking about the receipts from years past. Okay. This is other shows. Other shows. I would never dare malign the show that you so gloriously participated in. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. What tour was it?

Every other fucking one, bitch. You've been to a few? All my friends have gone. I could not afford them. I could not afford the tickets. I could not afford the tickets. But my friend Lynn, who is, she was a yoga teacher in Boston. Huge. Ride or die, Madonna fan. I thought you were just being like, huge. Oh yeah, 400 pounds. Ha ha ha.

My friend Lynn, huge. End of story. Back to Madonna. Imagine. She loved that. She, on a Monday night, she played the Boston Garden or wherever. 11 p.m. 8 o'clock showtime, 11 p.m. on the stage. And these are people, listen, I don't, mama, it is what it is. I'm happy to know it because I can't go. The thing is, at this point-

40 years in the game. Go 40 years ahead. 50 number ones. No, no, no, no, no, no. But if you come to Madonna's

to this tour and you've been to everyone and you're expecting oh it's on you oh no absolutely 100 percent we know what all the information is there there's no surprises there's no surprises also she was the most famous person in the world for what 30 fucking years yeah the most famous person person queen of pop no queen of everybody true not pop

People don't even know her music. They know her. This is true. They couldn't name one Madonna song. They still know Madonna. They know Madonna. Everybody, people in Africa. You know her real name is Madonna. Chaconne. Madonna Louise Chaconne. You know she got fired. I'm screaming. I asked her this. I was like, I just want to ask you if this is true. I heard you got fired from Dunkin' Donuts. Is that true? And she was like, yeah. But I also realized that at some point in the 80s,

There was a guy who walked into a Dunkin' Donuts and was like, can I get a...

What's your name? Madonna. Okay, whatever. Can I get a sausage? Okay, Madonna. Your name is Madonna. Sure. Can I get a sausage, egg, and cheese and a black coffee? Madonna. No, no. Back then it was small doc, two sugars, and a powdered donut. And then you look at this fucking name tag and it's like Madonna. And this gap-toothed, brown-haired bitch is like, no. And then she gets fired. I mean, she got fired from a lot of jobs. She got fired from the Russian tea room. Fierce. Fierce. Because they told her to stop wearing fishnets and she wouldn't.

Okay, now I'm a Madonna fan again. She was like, I'm going to wear my fishnets. I feel good in my fishnets. I'm going to wear them. You know, I never knew she had a sister. And I saw an old, old clip of some horrible talk show, daytime talk show, like Maury Povich or something like that. And the theme of the show was, my sibling is famous.

And so this, a woman who was, I was like, that looks like Madonna. Holy shit, that looks like Madonna. Holy shit, that looks like Madonna. And sure enough, it was Madonna's sister, who I never had heard one thing about. I knew she had a brother. There's a reality TV show now called like, what's it called? Near Stardom. And you go on this show and the whole goal is to stay as long as you can without people guessing who your famous relative is. Oh, wow. And Tom Hanks' niece went crazy.

Which, by the way, Tom Hanks, his family is wild. Chet? Chet? But don't you con! But you don't, you don't know what you come round to be. Simone Baldi, the boo-bop, the boo-bop.

You cannot comfort that patois. It is wild. And of course, he's, you know, every gay guy went, fuck him. I'm not in this group, but I can see it. I think if he went to Hart and WeHo, he'd clean up. Boom, bo-clot. Boom, bo- Yeah, he'd get his boom-ba-cock sucked.

Immediately. And the more black scent, the more people. So I was on the same season of Z-Way as him. Oh my God. And I was like, what was it like? And she was like, insane. Because that's what we saw out of a 30 minute episode. We never told this. Guys, when Katya was on Z-Way. We were supposed to be on it together. It was supposed to be us. And she got COVID. Yes. They came to my room.

And they, like, I was, like, getting ready. They ushered you out, bitch. Oh, bitch. Mama, they, I mean. Simone came in with a duffel bag over the, and dragged me out. When I tell you, I was, I was in, I was in my room, I was, like, getting ready, and then they were, like, came in, basically, like, in a hazmat suit, saying, like, it's far away from public, and he was, like,

you need to leave. I didn't know I had COVID. Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't know I had COVID until I had tested before and I think that I turned positive that morning. I tested the day before. Bitch, something about the fucking day there, I fucking got COVID. Bounced. When I say they threw me out of that building in the back of a... I went in like a nice black suburban... They threw me out and the city brings these...

A trash truck? I mean, essentially, it's like a minivan that's been converted to a COVID mobile. And you're inside this plastic, and the driver's like, please don't touch anything. Literally. Oh, my God.

You know when they're rounding up the mutants in X-Men? That's what it felt like. Yeah, I was like, what is going on? And they threw me out of the... I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone. You didn't say goodbye to me. You were in the dressing room next to me. I don't think I knew I was leaving until I was like... They were like, oh, come this way. They were like, there's your car, bitch, go. I'm being a little dramatic. But they were like, you need to go. You can't say goodbye to literally anyone.

Fuck. But we did get to do our own episodes, which felt nice. Yes. I was, because I, you know, I'm not going to lie. I was secretly happy. I was like, because I was like, COVID, I hope she's not actually ill. You didn't seem ill. I saw it. I got pretty sick. Oh, you did. I'm sorry. I ended up spitting and I couldn't test it. But I mean, it was, I'm obviously, I've bounced back. Yeah. And now that Simone has come out with it, it's a hoax. Exactly. Yes. Because Simone Ball is the vaccine. Yeah.

But I was, because I, in my mind, I'm like, not only did I dodge a bullet, I had a great time because you two black bitches against me, mama, I wouldn't have got a word out. That would have been so good. No, yeah, for you and her, but not for me. And I'm down to get belayed. I'm down to get belayed. But interestingly enough, it was supposed to be me and Trixie.

And I said, Trixie, trust me, you don't want to do this show. I ended up doing something Trixie. Like, I ended up DJing the Halloween Spotify party. Okay. I learned to DJ for that party. Fierce. And I was like, oh, shit, Crash Course. You were at the Barbie premiere. Yeah.

And I was like, okay, so now I'm like, then there was something else. That was when her spleen ruptured. Oh, yes, the appendix. Like the egg time when her grandma died. She's one of those people in college. My grandma died again. Like are all your grandmas lesbians? Because you got like six, are they polyamorous lesbians?

Cause you got 16, 16 grandmas lady. You know, my only, the only time I've ever acted well is at the Boston university, uh, a library where I got out of an overnight shift, uh, just because I didn't want to. And I said, I almost started crying. Like I, I, I, Meryl streaked it so fiercely that I was like, my grandma, my, my grandmother, well,

And they're like, it's okay. It's okay. How was your grandmother? Oh, she was alive and well, girl. She lived for like 15 more years. I mean, but I was, I walked away like,

Like one, half smile and a half like, oh shit. Like that was a little scary. It was very Johnny Banana. I mean, Johnny Fairplay. Who's that? From Survivor. Oh, I don't know that one. Johnny Fairplay on Survivor told everyone that his grandmother was passing and he used it to get sympathy. And then his grandmother was at home like, I am so alive. But also, girl, your grandmother, who cares? They cared and it worked on them. So, but I want to say you were good in Tales of the City. Not that the show was good. But you were good. Ha ha ha.

And I'm happy to have been in the show. Laura Linney was a delight. I mean, everyone was lovely. Laura Linney was a delight. Is it shady to say it was not a good show? Listen, there are so many shows that get made. And even when you have an incredible cast, even a good director, especially when Simone is involved, like even she has put out a couple turds, you know? So interesting. We never saw each other on set.

I didn't even know you were in it until I saw you. That was an outdoor gig for me. That was a little rough. Outdoor in a cafe. I mean... You were good. Your acting was good, though. I didn't watch it. I didn't watch anything. It was not a good show. No, I... I thought gay shit. I don't like gay shit. Steven... Steven... Not Polito. Is it Polito? Steven Spinella had a great scene in it as well. I mean, it's not...

It's just the show itself wasn't for me. - Oh yeah, yeah, I did have some, this is gonna be rapid fire. - Okay. - Okay, just a quick explanation. - I explain the photo? - Yeah. - Okay. Okay, I ran out of time. - Okay, that's good. Try to keep it to five words or less. - Amazon. - Oh, this is cute. - It's cute, but-- - You made this, right? - I made that on set, it's hanging in my house. I'm not wearing lashes. - Okay, mama, this is gonna require a little more than five words.

Okay, I still stand by this look. Well, someone's standing on the look. But the person, they must have come to one of my shows at some point. They have a tattoo of me. This person, they've never come clean. They've never come forward. This person is so, because I've shared this. I think they probably had it removed. It must have been. It has to be covered up. It's me as the guy from the Goonies. It's me as Cher's son from that one movie. Okay.

Yeah, the mask. It is. And I cannot believe this person. Shout out to Madonna. Shout out. You know, Madonna got the chance in her life. 40 years of hits and that's what she gave her. There it is. That wig is iconic and I will hear nothing else. I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. The wig is brilliant. I made that look myself. But look at this fucking shitty little necklace. Look at this. Look at this.

Look at that fucking... This pendant. This girl's... A 16-year-old girl's pendant that she was forced to wear to her grandmother's funeral. On a 6'2", 200-pound monster beast.

Why would I? And this was my first time ever stacking wigs. Bitch, don't try stuff out on TV for the first time. - No, but Simone did wear this leotard at the Rio Olympics and she won floor exercise and she looked cunt doing it. - I'm very proud of this fucking look. A lot of people today didn't know that it meant cunt. - I actually did. I watched it as you walked through there and I was like, what the? Oh, it took me that long. - I should get that look remade by someone who's like professional.

And my drag daughter, Judy Darling, painted the aunt on there for me. Do you enjoy sewing?

Yeah, I haven't sewn in a while, but I do actually like sewing. I love sewing. It's been a minute. You know, my sewing machine, I had a Pfaff. You know what a Pfaff is? A German great sewing machine. But my Pfaff got all fucked up and I got talking to this Pfaff because it's a really great sewing machine. But because it is so rare. It's hard to service, right? It's very hard to service. So I should have just fucking stuck with a brother or a singer. Get a brother or a singer. Get a singer. I still have the brother, mama, the brother that I paid $70 at Macy's on sale today.

15 years ago, I still have it and it works, but I also have a $2,000 industrial with a huge giant immovable desk thing. The brother always comes through. They stick around. And I made a lot. I mean, you can tell I made a lot of stuff. I won drag race. Like I made a lot. I mean, the other, the thing about it is I will never stop talking about it. We got to end soon. But that the, the financial hardships that people are now required to endure are

entering Drag Race. Girl, what the fuck is going on with that? What the fuck is going on with that? Everybody does. Everybody's calling the mafia. They're calling the Armenian mob. They're calling like... You know, around the time of year when you call Chase, they're like, let me guess, Drag Race. Yeah.

I know. Merrill Lynch is like, no. You're like, hey, girl, drag race. How much do you want? 20, 40, 60? We know who you are. All stars again. All stars, okay. If you had to go, so let's say your closest friend, let's say, your closest friend is a drag queen and she- My closest friend is a drag queen. You have one? Who? Monet. Oh. Let's say-

- No, but she's already been on Drag Race. - True. - So say you have a, she's 30 years old, she's been doing drag for 10 years, she's excellent at it, she's a little rough around the edges just because of money. And she's got the talent, you know she could win. She gets accepted to go to Drag Race, she has no money. And I'm talking in the red. How much money would you give her, if any? - I actually gave Monet some money to go to Drag Race. - I bet you did. No wait, did you really? - Yeah, I did, yeah.

I gave her like $3,000. That's really awesome. Also, Monet was working night after night after night, picking up extra gigs, extra shows, doing more. And I said, Monet, you need to just kind of take it easy one night. Trust me, you want to relax a little bit before you go off the drag race. So just take one night. She was working right into the end? Up until the end. I said, Monet, just come over tonight. And Monet was like, I need this money. I literally can't come over. So I called the bar, and I was like, do not let Monet come inside. Yeah.

You got her fired. Tell Monet that she can't come in tonight. And then I said, Monet, just come over to my house. We're going to relax. We'll talk about some strategy stuff. And you'll just have one easy night. And then I was like, and here's $3,000. That's amazing. Harriet Tubman, dead. Exactly. She never paid me back. Fiscally. Yeah, but what do you think is, say now you're a bank. Now you're a bank. Now you're a bank trying to get a personal loan. What would you give to a girl who had potential to make top three? You know, I would honestly say, if you can't,

win drag race with less than $10,000. I was going to say 10. You can't, you're not going to win. I was going to say five. You can win it on five. You should be able to win on five. I don't know if you can do it nowadays. I agree. Cause getting through those first three episodes is tough. When I went to drag race, I think I spent, I think it's been like 1500 to $2,500. Yeah.

I have the stuff I brought from home. I spent an embarrassing amount of stuff on fucking rhinestones that didn't even show up on the camera. And it was just the cost prohibitive nature of it is so stifling. I, I would never, ever, ever go back to do a competition show where I had to bring the production value. It is kind of wild to me that we have to,

like, foot that bill. It's insane. Do you think Judy Garland had to bring her own costumes to set? Not only that, it's even worse. Do you think on Queen of the Universe they're bringing their own fucking, there's no way those queens on Queen of the Universe are paying for those costumes. Or we're fucking here. It's not fair.

We're here. We did not pay for those. No shit. You think fucking Sarah Michelle Gellar shows up to the set of Buffy and says, don't worry, I brought my own vampire outfits or whatever the fuck. When they did Dancing with the Stars, they did not have to make their own costumes. Their wigs. They have a whole wardrobe team. And Drag Race is the one show where you have to like, and guys, it is. You have to bring on duct tape. And when I say expensive, it is like,

You have to bring like 20 outfits. And you have to pay for your own fucking luggage there and back, bitch. It was so long ago. I can't remember. Sweetie, I flew there a virgin. I flew back Delta. $500 in the red. Virgin flew back a slut. Slut. Whore. Okay, I think we should probably end it. Thank you. Thank you so much for being here. My pleasure. I had a blast. It's good to see you. I haven't seen you in a while. Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me here. And I love the hat. Oh, that was my Carol Channing voice. I love your hat. It's fantastic.

Thank you so much for having me on your program today. I've had so much fun. It's a pretty good Carol. It's excellent. It's a pretty good Carol. I'm very proud of my Carol. All right. Simone, Carol, thank you so much. Simone, can you just comment below? You don't have to comment on the show. Just literally just comment. Mom, she's right there behind the board. She is the board. She's the board. Okay. Bye, everybody. Bye, everyone.

Bye, guys.