The Niagara Falls of Vomit with Trixie and Katya
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Close the door. Would you please stop? It's- What? Your ugly pants? Jealous of what? Your leather ugly pants? Hi. I came as soon as I heard. I just heard. How are you feeling today, Mom? I need a day off. You- I need a day off. Listen- I gotta pick up the kids from soccer.

I've got to go to Kelsa and get a Yoplait. A Yoplait. A fat-free Dannon. To feed my whole family. That was my drag name. Fat-free Dannon.

No, but free Danin. Fat, comma, free Danin. Fat, free Danin. Hi, fat. Hi, fat. Okay, welcome back to another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful, ladies and gentlemen. Here on our brand new YouTube channel. Yeah. Oh, my God. You can see us from your house. Why are people obsessed with seeing people on podcasts? I think it's a question of more, more, more. That's how I want it. That's how I want it. You know, people just want more. I guess, but also like...

Is this distracting? No, I'm just happy to know you're breathing.

But like people are like, I love the old fashioned radio shows, but I just wish I could see them. Yeah. That's called a television. Right. Yeah. Well now we bullied us and we're here. We should have just skipped a few stages and went to like full immersive 3d experiences that would cost about 20,000 an episode to produce. Well, didn't you do a 3d experience? Was it expensive to make? Um, it wasn't cheap. I'm gonna say that, but it wasn't, I mean, it wasn't crazy. More than five. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you make the money back? I don't know. But it's more about the experience. Well, let me be clear. The video cost nothing. I just took 10 grand and threw it in the furnace. Because I just felt like, you know, I want to be J-Lo. I got to do what she does. Can I show you something that happened to me today? Is this a printout? I have a script. Is this a printout? I have a script for something coming up. Is this a printout? And I asked somebody at the office, someone printed it for me. Can we talk a little about the size of that font? Oh, my. Yeah, let me just learn my lines. Who are you?

You eat it. Eat it to maybe, if it's closer to my brain. Just further evidence that nothing will ever be easy. Oh, my God. See, this is why. So this is where our paths really, really diverge, is that you, even though you are continuously burdened and frustrated by all of these things that don't ever seem to go your way, you just keep piling them on one after the other. Whereas I...

gracefully and quickly step away. Even after you've committed to doing something. Well, that's where my pleasure principle comes in because I don't really, I don't really enjoy not doing it unless I've said, Oh, I'm going to do it. And then it's like, I don't want to do it. We recently had an episode of, Oh yeah, we were supposed to tape. And I sure did call out. I'm not going to, but guess what? Guess what? I didn't call out sick. I just called out. No,

That's what I respected about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to lie anymore. I'm really not trying to lie anymore. I don't want to lie. But funny thing, I don't know if I told you this. It's hysterical. So I called out...

For un. For un. And listen, we have so many dates scheduled. They're in the calendar until the rest of the goddamn fucking year. I was like, mama, just tack it on the end like a snow day. Tack it on the end like a snow day. No harm, no foul. And plus, I knew that Pete was going to Palm Springs. I'm like, I bet, I guarantee you, he will jump at the opportunity to leave early, beat the traffic, yada, yada, yada. Anyways, so I called in, period. But I learned later from Pete's roommate that,

Andrew was listening to a call. So I hope I'm not telling this out of school. No, this is a good story. Okay, yeah, he's...

This sounds definition telling stories out of school. But please don't stop. But I'm not going to name any names. Okay, I'll just make them up. So Barbara. Barbara was... Bonaduce. Barbara Bonaduce. I think she's new, but not nobody. She's not an intern. She's high up. She's not exactly familiar with the ins and outs of my history at World of Wonder. And certainly has not seen the documentary Moving Parts. Okay, so that just...

paints a picture. So she lives under a rock. Yeah, totally. A flop taste. Complete flop taste. So Pete said, oh, so Katya needed to reschedule. And Barbara's like, why? Pretty much, I would let Gemma know.

That Katya is a hardcore addict? Is a drug addict. A crack whore. What other... In plainer language, can I say that she is a... Those were all drug addict type of shoes. That were fused to her feet. So yeah, he was like, well, you know, Katya is going to do... She's going on a treatment thing. Treatment for what? In like... It just...

Like, it was so awkward. So awkward. Like, they were trying to say, what they were trying to say is, listen, she's a crack hoe. But she was, but Barbara was not buying it. Barbara was not buying it. She got the hint, but she was like, well, what, so she can just call out two days early? I mean, or two days before the shoot? And somebody was like, I think somebody was like, yeah, well, you know, she's the talent and it's really important to like support her. Barbara was like, I guess. Yeah.

That is so funny. This is, of course, hyperbole. It could be actually just not true. But that was the gist. And it was hysterical. Because actually, I completely am on Barbara's side. I don't think she was being mean or insensitive. It's totally reasonable. What's wrong with her? No, I like that she had absolutely no inclination to be delicate. That's exactly. Indelicate. She's a hardcore drug addict who could die if she goes to work. That's all. That's exactly.

It wasn't insensitive. It was indelicate. Indelicate. That was very, very, very... I think that's a very important distinction because, I mean, you know. Well, really what you're saying is I need the day off. What you're really doing... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm actually not... I'm not going to... No. You're giving me too much credit there. I'm really saying I want the day off. Actually, not even that. I said I'm taking the day off. Well, no. What you're really saying is I'm taking the day off for my health or...

I'm coming in a fucking hurricane, bitch. And the blood will be on your hands, Barbara. When they find me hanging in the closet. Hanging in the closet and you wake up to a bloody note like nailed to your headboard. Yeah. My suicide note. Blood above their headboard on the ceiling and it says, someone's in the closet. I'm coming for you, Barbara. Yeah.

You know, you, you canceling work is something that to me, listen, if we're going to be honest, I'm so stacked up recently. God damn it. I might call out. I said, I don't wait for you to corroborate or give her the vote. I said, listen, because you have fucking, you have motherfucking, you have motherfucking done this thing before, which I'll tell you right now is this. She says, Oh girl, do you think we should like reschedule tomorrow? And I'm like, I,

I am at home spray painting the letters yes into my curtains and presenting. You book tickets. Mama, as soon as I hear the inflection in your voice, the credit card goes swipe. I have my luggage. I'm ready to leave and never come back. And then three hours later, you call like, no, girl, we have to do it. And I'm like, you fucking bitch.

I was like, you are diabolical. That is diabolical. Because it's like, you're like the weatherman saying, there's going to be four feet of snow tomorrow, Jennifer. You know, who doesn't want to go to sixth grade? Four feet of snow. Jennifer Convergibles. And then you look out the window, 6 a.m., there's no snow. I'm like, no! No! I'm just going to say that I have done that. You have done it three times!

And I said enough and I will not take it anymore. So I will not. So I'm going to, when I need a day off, I'm going to take it. We are not performing stints. We're not doing triple bypasses. We're not brain surgeons. We are not construction workers. We're not veterinarians. We're nobody we're doing. We're doing poopy doopy on the YouTube. Yeah. We're cross-dressing on a green screen. That being said, uh,

I would say in 150 episodes, we've maybe together rescheduled five. Yeah. It's not that many. It's not that many. And I probably should have rescheduled 25, but you know, and some of them we have rescheduled have been for things like all stars, all stars. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like we're, no, I've never really called out personal day. No, no, no. Yeah. I've canceled for other things. Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Things like that. And, um, also I know that Pete's really overworked. I know that you're a waste stretch way beyond your limit. Um,

I mean, look at her. She's stretched. Wait, are you even there? Are you there? Please, I'll be stretched thin, but it doesn't make me thinner. You're still fat. Yeah, I'd love to be stretched thinner. If I could walk around, if I could eat whatever I wanted and walk around with giant clothes pins on my back skin, I would. And I would flat Stanley that shit. I would just never turn around. Hi, guys. Hi. Don't pay no attention to the skin behind the curtains.

Is that a metal? Is that a clamp of flesh? Is that a nude gown trailing behind you? No, that's my skin, bitch. I've learned this. But you have to understand this about me. If I want to cancel, I sometimes need to just speak my truth into the universe and then I'm fine with it. Yeah, keep it to yourself next time. Right. Because normally I go, I want to cancel. And then once I've just talked about it, I go, I can do it.

Oh, see. The same way it's hot. I just have to go. It's hot. Right. Get it out. I don't need that. I'm expecting a temperature change. Right. Of course. But I just need to be heard. Yeah. But I've learned to not. Don't say it to me, bitch, because you know what I want to do every time. You know what I want to do. I said, should we cancel? You've already cast the rune stones. Yeah. I said, mama, there's a hot air balloon outside right now waiting to take me to fucking Middle Earth. I'm never coming back. Yeah, absolutely. Speaking of Middle Earth, let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. And we're back. You are back from a wellness retreat. Let's talk about it. Mama, I'm going to tell you what I canceled for. Because we just talked about. We talked about the cat litter. This is part two, Game On, Bitch, the cat's back. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to try to keep this brief insistent because I could literally talk about it forever. No, talk about it. Okay. So.

Mary, I don't even know where to start. Okay. So, and so there's a thing, uh, there's a community of people who use psychedelic drugs in order to, um, uh, provide relief and therapy for their addiction. Right. Um, and these are people that I've become embroiled with too. Just, I've, I've met some people. They're kind of cool.

So I've been doing it. I've done two treatments and I've done, this is my third. The two of them were done in a clinical environment. One was done in a clinical environment with nurses, EMTs, you know, it was a, it was like a, you know, for all intents and purposes, it was like a hospital almost. Right. And so this one was, but the next one or this last one was Ayahuasca, which is, and people, if people have seen Chelsea Handler's Netflix show, have you seen that?

No, but I know ayahuasca just from living in Los Angeles. Hello. Mama, sweetie. People here love to buy something from Pottery Barn and go to do ayahuasca. Girl. Okay, yeah. So what is it? So ayahuasca is a brew. It's a potion, really, that has a psychoactive compound in it called DMT, and DMT is a hallucinogenic drug. And so there is a ritual, okay? It is part of certain rituals

South American cultures, spiritual ritual traditions. Okay. So what that looked like, I paid a hundred bucks to go down with a group. Very, I mean, mama, that's a good price. The clinical environment. I spent, I spent a week in Mexico in a, in a basically a resort. I was in a house alone. It would a lot of attention. That was six grand. Okay.

Okay. And we've put you places more expensive. Yeah. Way more expensive. And I want to say that was worth every penny, honestly, because there's a whole lot going on there that had nothing to do with drug treatment. It was just fasting, attention, therapy, blah, blah, blah. So this time I go down. I love that you go to one of those treatment centers to learn that you can't live on caffeine and sugar. You're like, I'm cured. Oh, I just haven't been shotgunning Red Bulls into my ass and eyes. Yeah, totally.

I did smoke the house down. But anyways. So it's only $100. $100. $85 to be exact. Wow. But you get what you pay for, and I will tell you exactly why. Mama, when I tell you we drove to Tecate, and we were in some rickety 87 Ford bus, literally, awesomely.

Up a dirt road. I mean, we had to, there was this fucking fierce bitch was driving this jalopy and we had a van full of eight people, but 2000 pounds in there. And we were with all of our sleeping gear, fucking jamming up this dirt hill, a dirt hill. We get to this dilapidated restaurant, middle of Mexico, inland and Rocco's West Hollywood. And we, the, um, so a hundred of us,

Outside, on the cement, we brought sleeping bags, sleeping pads, blankets. I mean, water. Camping, kind of? Absolutely camping. Outside, 40 degrees that night. 40 degrees that night. Hello. Hello. Diapered. Fully diaped up. I had bought adult diapers, and I was wearing them. I wore that diaper. Oh!

The sad thing is you sent me some videos day before. Yeah, I wanted to wear that diaper. I know you did. You were trying them on for size. You had it tailored. You had it taken in. My Valentino diapie. Just my couture diaper. You see, I had the diaper on. Does everyone have a diaper on? They gave us diapers. So the only thing they provided you, literally, the only thing they provided you was a bucket of...

To throw up? A bucket to throw up with a liner. They didn't provide the liner. I've got it from a very generous woman who had her own trash bags. And then diapers. Pink diapers. I brought my own adult diapers. I put mine on.

Okay, so ayahuasca, this is how the, so a Colombian shaman came, and he was really cool. By the way, this is not some bougie anthropology Gwyneth Paltrow retreat. I was one of maybe seven or eight gringos there, most Mexicans, right? And it was not bougie, mama, $85. Right. This was no like, you know, this was very rustic. And so there's a lot of stuff going on. They do this thing called, they give you the jape.

You are going... What is it? I need to tell you what this is. You are going to... It's a pipe with a thing that goes up your nostrils and they blow tobacco... No! ...which is like cayenne powder into your nostrils. People, eyes watering, coughing...

You did this? I surely fucking did not because I had heard about it from Andrew who had gone previously and I was like, what's the point of that? Is that when Andrew found out he was a courtesan in another life? No, this was when he found he was a timeless crone which able to manipulate reality.

I kid, I kid. But there's a truer version of that. We don't have time for it. But mama, I said, what is that for? They said, it's really to ground you in the moment because the pain is so intense. You have nothing else but to drop into this moment. I said, I will drop right into this moment right here by myself. Thank you so very much. Maybe to manifest pain. I'll think of my childhood. Okay. Why don't you just slap me? Why don't you just take a book off the shelf and slap me with it?

I could not. People are crying. Do you watch people do it? I was like, I'll let these people. Mama, they lined up. They lined up. And you're the only one who didn't. I said, I will not. I will RSVP in the negative. So you stood there and watched these people get tobacco shot up their nose. And then what? Is it just like instant crying? Is it like hot ones? Is it like they're on hot ones? Yeah. Instant crying. Like red, bulging red eyes, tears and coughing. And they come back to this. Yeah.

I said, not on my watch. Not on my watch. So anyways, and then, so then after that, the shaman does a very cool like presentation in Spanish. It's translated about the purpose of this medicine. And it was, it was very legit in the sense that it was like, this is a, this is the tradition it comes from. This is what we use it for. This is how you should approach the thing for the new people. This is, yeah. Right. Orientation. Don't you have to, you kind of have to enter those,

Perfect love and perfect trust. The craft style, right? Absolutely. You have to respect the boundaries. You have to respect the rules of the space. You have to respect other people because we are packed in like sardines. I'm talking right next to each other. Yoga mats. Why? Because there's not enough space. But aren't you outside? Yeah, but it's a contained environment. We can't just be all around a field. It's like we're all in the same space and it's like a giant parking lot. Oh, because you guys have babysitters? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, there's facilitators, people keeping track of you. It's all, it starts at, Mary, we got there 7 p.m. We didn't leave until 7 a.m. It's overnight. So they do the hotbed. I'm like, mama, fuck that. Where was this? Tecate, Mexico. You went to Mexico? We drove there in a jalopy. A jalopy. Mama. So. I will say, this isn't a read. At this point in your life, we have seen a lot of more traditional types of treatment fail. Ha ha ha.

So we might as well. Let's experiment. Do the never ending story. We might as well do Star Trek. Yeah. Okay. And I would like to, I would like to let the listener know, just if anybody who is dealing with stuff that this kind of therapy is attempts to provide relief for at this point, this therapy is, this is not desperate. This was more of a, I'll try it. Right. But I was not like, I need it. It was not, it's not it because as you'll later learn in a little bit,

We did not get what we were looking for. You didn't. I didn't. I didn't. Mama, everybody else was Diane Wiest. Turntinta Aguilerta. So they do the first pour. Ayahuasca is a brew. It's a potion. And he literally scoops it up. This guy is fierce. This Columbia man, about four foot two, and just feathers and everything. Ginger. Yeah.

Big Tangina energy. Big Tangina energy. And this other girl, all in white, she's a facilitator. She's got acrylics. She's got a silicone ass, long hair. I mean, she's the fire stoker. She was stoking that fire with her acrylics with her hands. I mean, fierce. Fierce. Fierce, fierce, fierce. Yeah. And then, so we get the first cup. Now, people have, like, there are people who are like, this girl,

She was so dramatic. It tasted so bad for her. She couldn't do it. Cause you got to drink it in front of them. You got it. When you go up, you got to drink it right in front of them. Right? So the first cup happens.

And she's like, oh, she couldn't do it. It just tastes like a beet smoothie. It's earthy. It's not like shit. It's not like diarrhea shit in your mouth. Go back. It takes a while. Usually what they say is about the second pour is that's when things start to get a little turnt. Yeah. So, mama, first cup, 10 minutes later, I got fucking Amy Adams in the corner looking for her Oscar.

Crying? Going for... Like, the Academy is right there with their voting notebooks. Crying? Crying. I mean, but wait. But early, right? Mama, early. Like, the trailers hadn't even started yet. The movie does not... You think the facilitators were like...

Girl, please. It ain't that deep. It's not that deep. Don't do all that. Don't do all that right now. Don't do all that right now. Like, mama, wait for the clock because this is too early. So that's just my opinion, of course. And now people who are not sitting... Oh, you're not even ready for this. So the second cup, then they start to retch. Throw up? The puking starts. Who? Everyone. I'm talking a symphony. First, the belching. Belching.

Then the heaving. And then it's just fucking.

Fucking Niagara Falls of vomit. A hundred people. And what are you doing? I'm looking around like bippity boppity boop. Cast iron, Star McBama. You felt nothing? Well, at this point, and I'm trying to get centered. I'm trying to stay inside. And that's what they tell you to do. You want your $70 worth. I want to get my $85 of like drug-free rocket blast. Like take me to Mars, cure me, and bring me back. Of course, that's not what's happening. But, you know, I want to have a profound.

transformational, transcendent experience. Right. I mean, that's the real tea. I don't want to, I didn't just go to Mexico to hallucinate, mama. I certainly don't need to go to Mexico to throw up. But so, mama, it was just, it's the Beethoven symphony, the horns, the brass. So people start, oh my God. All of a sudden, bleh!

Just chunks. The buckets. The acoustics. Do people make it in the buckets or no? Yes. Thank God. Because people go down. You're not supposed to sleep, but you do get tired because it's 11, 12, 1 a.m. So they know that they're going to be puking. Everybody knows they're going to be puking. Everybody's prepared for that. But I was not prepared for the drama. The Drama Desk Awards presentation. Yeah, the Katherine Heigl, the vomitorium featuring Katherine Heigl. It was just puking, puking, puking. And then the crying.

Everyone? No, just a couple of Academy Award nominees. These are probably people who are like, I do this every two weeks. No, I think that there were a couple of women moaning Myrtle. I swear she was, I mean, Tarantino doesn't even describe. This motherfucker, I don't know what she was going through, but she was going through it all.

The whole night. And it was like, she was screaming, she was screaming, she was sobbing. And then a person was like, I'm terrified.

I mean, I'm talking wailing. Trixie, she was wailing. Hysterical. Hysterical. Normal people are not doing this. That's exactly. People bringing a lot of their own luggage. Trauma. No, that's literally, most people are there to unpack, to work through, to, you know, and that's what they say. It was like, this is, this is going to be, nobody describes ayahuasca as like fun as amusement ride. Some people do. Some people do.

Because there's a very significant serotonin release. What I've heard from people that I've known is that there's a purging. They call it the purging, right? You know, they'll say that, oh, you purge up your toxins, your drama. It's like, okay, well, I have certain opinions about that. But you certainly do vomit. You certainly do vomit and it certainly is unpleasant. But once you release all that vomit, generally, you're able to then...

be available for the process, the visions or the sensations or the lessons or whatever. Okay. And so what happened to me and I, so that you get one, one dose, one cup and then another. And that's usually when it gets like turn hammer time. Yeah. So by the second pour people coming back, they are mama, this guy right across from me. Yeah.

Were you laughing? I was. Well, funny you say that. Chris, this other guy from our party, was giggling all night. Giggling all night. Could not stop laughing. So I got him laughing. Did anybody recognize you? Yeah, actually. A really nice girl did. And it was so cool. It was probably one of the best nights. She was so cool. She was very, you know. And we kind of had a moment, and that was fun before. Because you can't talk. There's no talking. Once this thing gets rolling, there's no talking. Nobody wants to? Or not supposed to? Well, I did. Oh! Oh!

God, our soundproofing. No! As if it was like some brick. You thought your ayahuasca was finally hitting a week later. Yeah. Okay. Did you get that on film? Okay.

Okay. So Moaning Myrtle is deep into her third. She's performing. She's doing a number. She's doing like Night Mother. She's in her Shakespeare. Like she is just going. She's doing He Lives in You from The Lion King. It is a, it is a three, she's knee deep in her three hour dance mix right now. Work. And yeah, work it out diva.

By the way, there's this thing. Of course, I feel absolutely nothing. Girl to my left, to my right, we were first timers and we had an understanding. Did you feel the pressure to act like you felt something? Oh, mama.

Hell the fuck no. Not like, you know, method acting sort of like going with it. I'm not there to act. I'm there to feel, you know what I mean? I am. Who the fuck am I going to score a card at the end? There's no, I mean, you know what I mean? It's like, did you want to yes and the experience a little bit? Well, funny you say that. Cause I did. Cause the, after this, when it was clear that I had not felt the, the, the compound in my, the had no effect on me. It was time for a third, which most people do not do.

So only five or six of us went up for a third. And at that point I was like, I hadn't puked and I hadn't really felt nausea, but I knew if I took that third thing, I knew it was going to be puke city. I was like, fuck, you know, I don't want to push it. I don't want, well,

What do you mean you don't want to push it? The third one is there because for some people, the first two is nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, totally. So I did. I went. I went and got the third. And then I laid down and still nothing. And then my mouth started to water. I was like, oh, I know what this is. I got my bucket. I puked my guts out. You puked? Oh, yeah. But I'm an efficient puker. I went wham, bam, bam, bam, five pukes and I was good. And I got it all out. No nausea. It's okay. Okay.

So I was like, okay, this is, I'm getting ready for the blast off. Yeah. I was like, I closed my eyes. I got ready.

Absolutely nothing. I was like, okay, whatever. It's fine. You know, this makes me think of like somebody buying fake weed in New York in the nineties. Absolutely. And like getting home with smoking pencil shavings being like what? Or acid. Cause that happens so much. It's a little tab. You can't smell it. It could literally and waiting. Cause it only 35, 45, 50 minutes. That, that 45 to 65 minute window on state lines by then. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You can't go back to the park and say this didn't work. Totally.

So as far as I know, I was the only person that it really had zero effect on. Do you think it's because you're like a lifelong hardcore drug addict? No, I think that's just, it's just, there is people, this happens a lot. It does? Well, it doesn't happen a lot, but it happens to some people where they go back. Well, here's the thing. When I smoked pot, it took me five, six, I might even say 10 times to get high.

Yeah, when I smoked pot, I didn't get high the first time. And I smoked and inhaled like half a joint every time. And then one day, maybe the sixth, seventh or eighth time, it hit me like a ton of bricks. You pour a bunch of weed down in the gas tank of a Prius and you just put your mouth over the exhaust. On the exhaust, yes.

But it was like, it was crazy. So then you're up all night? Up all night. And then here's the thing. It's 40 degrees. It's 40 degrees. I was bundled. I was like, you know, yucky bundles. Yeah, yucky bundles. And I was just, oh, but the fun part was then, so the fire, there's musicians around the fire, right? Musicians that, you know, play an ayahuasca music. And the girl, Moaning Myrtle, Moaning Myrtle.

Moaning Myrtle has left the chat, right? And she is now in a black hooded sweatshirt looking like a Sith Lord just scowling. Just Darth Maul. Darth Maul by the fire. Literally inches from it. Just like this. Quiet. And she looks up at the musician who's got this guy with a guitar and he's singing. Somebody's playing music? Yeah. The whole time? The whole time. Yeah. Beautiful. That's kind of nice, right? Guided. Beautiful music. Chill vibes. Chill folk vibes. And she says, I know how to play the guitar. Could I play a song?

And I'm looking at her because I'm by the fire at this point. I'm cold. I'm freezing. And I'm like, if this motherfucker, if this motherfucker lets Moaning Myrtle, I was about to. He said he looks at her. He says, no. I'm like, oh, but then so then they go into an upbeat jam and a shaman's assistant. Did you recognize any of the songs?

No. They're like traditional ayahuasca jams. Ayahuasca, cool, I made me see that. Me and Julio down by the schoolyard. I don't know. He was a boy, I was a girl. No, but this, I gotta say, when the shaman's assistant just came around from the altar to the fire, he was, he came and cut a rug. You went like this, I thought you were saying, he was jerking. Cause I gotta tell you what he was doing. Show the children. He was like, ew, the faces too. Ew.

I don't like that. He was living for the lip sync. No, it was good. I make it a little weirder than it was, but it was lively and incongruous and did not match the music, but he was feeling himself.

And it was like, I was like, oh, okay, good. I didn't come for nothing. And then mom, it's just, I would be so disappointed if I was you. How many times are you going to try this? Oh, I'm never going back. I'm never going to do it again. Well, you did that, but you also did the other thing that didn't work. No, the Ibogaine, it worked or I had a,

intense effects from it. It was just extremely unpleasant, which is, Oh, that's right. Which people didn't really tell me that that was going to happen. But that is the nature of that treatment. It's like the first time I did GHB and no one told me, uh, were you drinking earlier? No one asked. Mary, you could have died. Easily could have died. I don't want to go there. No, I had had three rolls of ecstasy that night. Cocaine. Christ. GHB. You're so good at easily dying. Oh my God.

And a Viagra. A Viagra? Viagra. How about a Siolas? Viagra Falls. Viagra Falls. It was so horrible. Yeah. Drugs are tough. Well, I'm disappointed it didn't work. I'm actually not because I, you know, so, I mean, for example, like. I mean, $70 to drink tea in the woods. Nothing's guaranteed. I mean, it is a little bit snake oil, but apparently these people were puking. No, this was some real oil for this. This is motor oil in like Castro Sintec for some other people. But I met a big black pig. Yeah.

There were ducks that I thought were hilarious. Ducks. Ducks are funny. They're so funny. Yeah, they're funny. And they walk stupid. They look stupid. They are ridiculous. Ridiculous. And I had a good time with some people. I met some new people. I had a great time. Yeah, it was fun. Overall? Overall, fabulous. And then we went to Coronado Island. I got a hotel at Coronado Island and we just stayed there.

And then, yeah, it was lovely. It was really nice. Was this last Friday? This was on Friday night. Yeah. Friday night. Yeah. It was crazy. I'm actually like, you know, to be honest, I don't really know. I, what I was looking at, my intention of going there was like, um, not about addiction. It was more about like my body. Like I know this is, I'm supposed to be funny like this podcast. I mean, I'm not being really funny right now, but you're just now getting concerned about not being funny. Okay.

Better late than never. Hard turn only. Good joke only. Oh, my God. But I had different questions. And, Mama, I don't need answers to those from some fucking, like, psychic plant, like, spiritual traveler, Kabbalah spiritual mother. What kind of body questions? I was like, what do I do with this fucking, like, rusted bag of fucking bones? Well...

Throw it down the stairs and end it all. What is the profile of people who do ayahuasca, though? I mean, isn't it mostly like young, rich, white people? No, no, no, no, no, no. Rich, white couples. So I call them spiritual tourists, right? Especially because... Spiritual gangsters. I'm going to say this right. I'm a spiritual gangster. I feel like if you have that, if you wear a piece of clothing that has that on it, you should probably be hit with a two-by-four in the head.

I agree. But no, a lot of people I could tell were there for, I mean, what is a legitimate reason? Who cares? Whatever. Some people just want to poop. Mama, they want to poop. They want to pee. They want to puke. They want to wear a diaper. I was there for the diaper. So at the end of the night when you took the diaper off and there was nothing in it, were you disappointed? I never said there was nothing in it.

That's the one part of it you yes anded. I sure did. I may not be puking and I might not be hallucinating, but I'm about to shit in this diaper, bitch. You better believe these sides will not hold. They will not hold, honey. They will not hold. God. Yeah, but it was interesting. And so just for reference, I've heard stories of a friend of mine, the first time she did ayahuasca, and this is a quotation from her. This is what she saw. She had an incredible migraine.

And she was like, God, she's having a hard time. The facilitator came over and said, ask Mother Aya to take it away. And so she kind of just like, she kind of like went deep. And then she saw the goddess Kali of the many hand, you know, the many hand Indian goddess take a spear and stab.

shove it into her head and another one and shove it. And she just saw this Indian deity shoving spears in and out of her head, stabbing her. And then when she finally couldn't take it anymore, she said, stop. And her headache was gone.

I'm not laughing at her. I'm just saying. It sounds scary. It sounds scary, incredible, like crazy. But that's sort of, that's the kind of like, that was part of the expectation I was arriving with. You know what I mean? Like, and of course, Andrew's incredible Homerian odyssey of like witches through the ages. Which is so much better than what you came, yeah. I went down there and I heard some ducks and I saw a pig. And then I took off a clean diaper and went down to the Hilton. Yeah.

I went on a bike ride. I got some taffy. Is that where you got that taffy? Yeah. I picture you at the hotel, towel on the head, robe on, under the blankets, tucked up to the neck, going, now this is the stuff. Yeah.

Still got the diaper on. Still got the diaper dirty. Totally diped. Yeah. Completely diped. Totally diped. Just always diped. But yeah, it was like, you know, people said, oh, you got to come back. You know, I didn't feel anything the first two or three times. I was like, you tried this again? Are you fucking crazy? Mama, that's it. You know, you get on the roller coaster. It goes nowhere. Go to SoulCycle. Exactly. Take a long walk in a beautiful, crisp, like, you know. Go for a jog. Go for a jog. Have sex.

Eat a lovely soup. Watch Rock of Love. Yeah, meditate. Pray. I'm watching Rock of Love. Are you really? Is that Van Halen or no? Well, I mean, not to give away too much. Van Halen. No. Tommy Lee Dorff. Brett Michaels. Oh, Brett Michaels. But I'm learning as much as I can about dating shows because of your show. We're going to be embroiled imminently. Yes, and I'm trying to learn as much as I can. I didn't realize how much of yours is Rock of Love.

No, I haven't. It is truly like white trash women. Oh, is it like a trailer vibe? Oh, it's like spaghetti straps and highlights in the hair and just blackout drunk all day. How's the teeth? How are the teeth? The teeth are fine. The teeth are ready? Oh, yeah. The teeth are fine. I mean, they're young, semi-hot girls, but it's like women named Rodeo. Oh, wow. You know what I mean? Like that energy. That's fantastic. Yeah. Rodeo. So not to one-up you, but I've been watching Rock of Love. Oh, my God.

So I know what it's like to have transformative experiences. Yeah, transcendental. Yeah. Nothing good like that happened at the marathon other than extreme thoughts of people shouldn't be doing this. Well, here's the thing. I have so many questions for you, but the biggest one is, so this is your own marathon. Uh-huh. Like, that's what is so insane to me. Like, you didn't have the...

I didn't have people with signs going, you go girl. There was nobody with water cups. There's no markers that say mile 10. There's no start. There's no deadline. There's no like, there's nothing. There's no like, oh, the whoosh of a person passing you to like be competitive or like the, come on, you can do it. You got this. You got, you can do it. Nothing. Are you a psycho?

No orange slices at the end. No water. No. My thing was like, I was so, no tinfoil towel. No tinfoil wrap. Yeah, I know. That's the whole fun. The cape. Yeah. It's like you're hobbled. My caping hole. Yeah.

I've seen marathons many times living downtown in Boston. Is it inconvenient when the real marathon happens? The whole city is over? The whole city is city. Yes. It's so inconvenient. I hate it so much. But then my friend did it and then it had an explosion. So go figure. But, you know, the cape, I always love people in the cape because they look bleary-eyed. They're cross-eyed. They're limping. They're in so much discomfort. But they've got those fun capes. Yeah. It was horrible. And...

Right around mile like 21. Cause you know, 15 half mile 13, right? 15. You're like, Oh my God, five more to 20. This is getting really hard. But once you get to 20, I'll have like a second wind, um,

You get to 20 and you go, there's six more. But you know what? You're doing, you're exactly doing what the Navy SEALs got to do. Increments. Increments. Manageable. Yeah. And you can't, it can't be like, I don't, I'm pretty sure it wasn't like, it's not pride. It's just, I can do the next thing. It's a very focused, incremental, like very present, very present. Because when you start to think of the whole, I think your brain just like. Are you kidding? When I started training, when I was, when I ran six miles for the first time, I was like,

26?

Yeah. And then I remember getting up to the half 13 and being like, how do people do two of this? Yeah. How could you do two of this? How could you do it? Yeah. It's crazy. It was crazy. How long did it take you? I'm so five and a half hours. No, no, no, no, no. How long did it take you to start training? Cause I felt like, I mean, you were a runner before kind of, I was running, but like I would be on tour and I would just run until I was tired. Sure. Which could be how it'd be. What? 10 minutes to 30 minutes. I was like running to lose weight, which that's not an objective. That means nothing. Well, I mean, it means something. It means you lose some weight, but there's nothing trackable.

Sure it is. You track the scale. I guess, but it's not like distance, time, pace. Oh, there's no, you can't gauge the athletic achievement. And there's no like, was this as hard as yesterday? Was this as far as last week? Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you could also be like chowing down the house down and then just negating all the work or whatever. Right. So I started training hardcore in probably September. That's not a lot of time. No, it's about 18 weeks. And then, and then I had, you know, I had to take off for a week. What? Because then, oh.

Had to take off for a week. And then, so then, also, because it was my first marathon, I made it like a 20-week program. So about 20 weeks. Okay, 20 weeks minus the week of... Yeah. It was Women's Day for a week. It was Women's Day. So I'm glad it was over, but now the real one, again, is in October. Okay. So I downloaded the track... So we're going to do it. I downloaded the track of that marathon, and that's what I just ran. Okay. And then October, I'll do the same track with people. I can... I'm mama...

I'm going to be there with little golden Dixie cups filled with very clear piss. Hot urine. Hot piss. Yeah. From several different men and women. With little amber rocks floating at the bottom. Yeah. Little surprise crystals. Little kidney stones. Little litter stones. My drummer got a kidney stone on tour. I don't want to talk about that. And we had to lift him off the bus in a stretcher.

It is a huge fear for me. Irrational fear, but it is a huge fear. Just chop it up. Scoop out the genitals. Just do it. He said he could barely move. It hurts so bad.

And then he went and got it. They said, there's nothing we can do. They gave him a bunch of drugs because you could pass it or whatever. Good. They gave him a bunch of drugs. So then we're doing the show without him, but we track the drums during the day or we track the bass guitar and then the bass guitar is playing the drum. I remember this. I remember you telling me this. And then I'm like, if you see a guy out in the audience air drumming, it's probably my drummer because he went and watched the show. He had nothing to do. So he's twisted on like micing and like.

Oh my God. That's fucking hysterical. Like a sleeper agent. Thank God they gave, what did they just drug him up and squeeze the stones out of his like limp dick? Well, they said it was horrible, horrible pain. And then a lot of times people just pee them out and don't even feel it when that pees out. Work. It doesn't make any sense. It makes no sense. Well, I'm sure the tubes leading up to the urethra are a lot smaller. A kidney stone? I can't. I can't. I cannot. It can't taste good. It can't taste good.

I want to ask you a question about something. Okay. It's about love. Okay. So I have been, I'm going to be very vague, which is so dumb. I shouldn't even ask you. But I recently had a phone conversation with someone. You know I'm looking for love. Uh-huh. Don't look too hard. We have a show to make. If you get married before the show, you'll be so fucking mad. His voice makes me hard. Oh. Yeah. Why? It's very sexy. But it's not like, like...

So it's not, hi baby. No, it's not like a phone sex voice. Hi baby. Hello darling. Hello darling. How are you? How are you baby? I want you. You want to come over honey?

No, but I, I, um, I have a crush on him. Where's he from? I can't say. And, um, cause you don't know. No, I know. It's not an LA. I can't say. It sounds like a South Atlantic accent. Could be Cuban, maybe Kenyan. Yeah. No. Um, it's, but, but I, I like him. Um, I think he's attractive and, um, and I, I, uh, I get very, I like talking to him on the phone. I know what he looks like. Um, but I, I, he, I last two times I talked to him, I got,

Would he ever call in? To where? To here. Oh, no. No? No, I wouldn't let him. Oh. Well, I just want to know what's up. I want to talk to him. Yeah. But what if I talk to him and he wants me? I mean, it's pretty. Yeah. Well, that's why I never bring anybody around the pot. Is he a younger model? Why wouldn't he want the younger model? Oh, yes. I suppose that's right. Yeah. Plus my hole. My hole. Your hole. It's like a pinprick.

It's a pin prick. People think it's a pore. It looks like a dilated pore. It looks like a blackhead. It looks like a poor wine stain. It looks like a heavy pore of blood. It's a whitehead. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's disgusting. I think we should go. Okay. Thank you so much. I hope you have a better luck. I mean, whatever you choose to do next. This podcast is becoming you trying more psychoactive new AG treatments. I think that's it. There was one, two, three. I'm done. Yeah. I'm cured. Bye.

Bye. Bye.