The Modern Farmhouse Aesthetic with Trixie and Katya
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Welcome. Okay. Hi, bald. You're bald. You're bald. You're bald. You know, I just, we have like a bunch of clothes in that closet. Like boy clothes get left here. And then sometimes like six months I look for something and I will walk in there and be like, oh, there's those jeans. Oh, there's those shoes I've been looking for. Those are the shit I've been running through my house, going through closets, being like, where is that? It's all here. You're giving a hearkening. What does that mean? It means the baldies from Dune.

Is it hot? I think so. Okay. The fact that we were not scouted and then headhunted and then cast as extras in Dune II as a member of the Harkonnen family

on Gaty Prime is so flagrant, so hateful, so rotten and unforgivable. I'm only hoping that Denis Villeneuve, if he gets his shit together, will realize the error of his ways and right that wrong by casting us as extras. I don't want to line. I don't want to line. I can't act well. I know that. But I won't mess up the movie with dialogue, but I will...

up that set as an extra in the background and he better come correct. Knock on the doors, open in, check it out. Yeah. Mama, both of us. And no lines. Famous, bald, not great actors, but I will love to be in the background of that on that set with Zendaya and Timothée Chalamet and you know, all those people. I think you're a good actor. I'm not, but it's okay. I appreciate the comment. And when I say I'm not, sometimes people are like, no, you're an actor. I said, it's okay if we're not good at everything. Yes.

I know. I don't like patronizing lies. I'm not good at it. And I don't aspire to be good at it. So it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. But I tell you what I am good at. Singing. Right. Here we go. Diary. She's got a black task. Wet. Fucking black diary.

She's got blood.

Well, I miss rehab. Where's the Grammy? Where's the album? I'll tell you where. Where's the album? This is the thing. You have to put the song out. You have to put the song out. Wait, hold on. Did you know that if you don't like Taylor Swift, you hate women? Also, you hate gay women too. Read it on the internet. Mama, get into this though. Get into this. Get into this. Get into this. Your feature came out hysterical. It did? Hysterical, by the way. Here we go.

How do I fast forward? I'm sorry. I'm new to the internet. One second. I like this little shirt you got going on here. Where'd you get that? A thrift store.

Wow. Some old Palm Springs gay died. Yeah, literally. There's a missing button. Pour one out for the gay guy. I'm not going to play that because I don't know how to fast forward. Pour one out for the gay guy. That's like, honestly, pour one out for the gay guy. I found that a lot of trans women call gay men gay guys. I love the alliteration there. Gay guy. He was just some gay guy. Well, you know, Macy Robin, rock and roll gay guy. Yeah, gay guy. I follow Blizzy. I'll mind you follow Blizzy. Wait, are those the people who like... Blizzy McGuire, who's like detective fear.

Oh, Sergeant. Oh, the, the, um, we have some queerstions. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The other day she tweeted like, I thought I would, I met this guy and I thought he was going to be mask vibes and it was just some gay guy.

Well, I was, I, you know how, you know, when you come across, like your moment with Sharon Stone on Instagram, when you find out that she followed you and not me. Right. Um, I, my, my wig was flipped and, and, and ripped off and thrown in the dumpster when I realized that these incredible people follow me on Instagram and they only follow like 400 people.

And I'm going to tell you who they are in just a moment. Just hold, please, for some riveting. Oh, my God. Well, it is my birthday, so my texts are blowing up. You guys, it's Kati's birthday. It is, yeah. Wow, incredible. Can I be honest? I think that's the worst part of a birthday is the phone assault. Oh. Oh, yes. The constant. The constant. No, I enjoy it. I enjoy it. I enjoy it. And I want to say I'm not grateful. But guess who? The constant. No, I love it. I love it. I love the attention. Two, three.

She follows me on Instagram. It's cunty. It's cunty. She's counting my birthday years, but she didn't get up to 42, so I'm going to give her some time. 42? How does it feel? Great. I had just... I just got out of rehab. Let's just keep going past that. Okay, great. We don't have to elaborate. I think one word is enough. Well, I'm fat as a house now. I know that you think you're fat now. You didn't notice that. Well...

You know, when you do that, how do you get that much air in your body? Air? It's food. No, it isn't. I've been eating so much. I did just watch you eat Taco Bell. I went to rehab and I ate the food.

No, yeah, I know I'm fat. I think this episode should unofficially be the rehab special because she and I have not filmed in a month and a half. And I'm about to burn a hole in this chair. And I visited you in rehab. I'm not saying I deserve a pat on the back, but I took the mile and a half Uber. Let's start right there, honey.

Here's a list of all the people who didn't visit you in rehab. Oh, it's Donna, Pat, Lori, Shelly, Brian, Aaliyah, Rose, Brian, Darren, and Ulysses. You are on my shit list.

On my shit list. Now, I previously had considered myself to be a very wonderful, high-flying social butterfly with numerous friends in and out of the Los Angeles area. You go to everything for 12 seconds. I will show up early to eat. Ask where the food is, even if there's not food at the event. I do a round. I go to the bathroom, and then I do the Irish goodbye. Which is to take something. Yeah.

You steal something. The Irish goodbye. You throw a Molotov cocktail. You take some wallets, some iPhones, and you throw a Molotov and you steal someone's car. Yeah. So it's not that nobody visited me in rehab because that's not the truth. Now, I've been to four treatment centers in my life since, but I've never stayed at 30 Days Somewhere. Really?

It was horrible. Right. It was horrible. Horrible. It was horrible. I hated every single fucking minute of it. Is it supposed to be fun? It can be. What rehab is like? Promises Cliffside Malibu where you ride horses in the sunset? And then, well, I don't know. How about this? For your birthday, I get your Uber back to rehab. How about that? Oh, yeah. Well, hmm. I'm not sure. It's not as if we know someone who went to rehab and we went in and visited that person and that person did not visit me. I'm looking at you, bitch. You know who you are. I know who it is. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

And we took like a 90 minute car ride out there. We hit traffic fiercely on the way home. Two hours. Thank you. I'm stuck in a car together for two hours. Honey ran out of things to talk about. And I had, I had to go back to treatment. Right. Like,

Suicidal ideation. Girl. Girl. So, girl, let me tell you. So you and Fina were so lovely. They came by. Once, by the way. Once. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. That's okay. I love that we visited, though. I FaceTimed you a lot. Yes. Every time I talked to you or visited, you had your shoes and coat on like you were about to leave. Every time. She was by the door with like a suitcase packed. We were like, yeah, just 15 more days.

Well, the irony is when I left, I left a whole bit, all the bedding, a whole bureau full of like clothes, all my medication. I was like, I was reading my dune book with my coat on and my shoes. And I just hit it. Literally a phone alarm went off and you were like, goodbye. I got to tell you that last day and a half, half day, it was Saturday. Cause we don't have groups on Saturday and Sunday. And I left for some reason on a Sunday and,

And the Saturday, the whole Saturday and the half Sunday, longest day and a half of my fucking life. Right. Longest day and a half. Anyways, back to the people who didn't visit me. Um,

These motherfuckers that I enjoy many, many, many, many lovely social engagements with, they did not come visit me in rehab. These people that I hang out with all the time, not people I work with, people that I hang out with all the time, enjoy many social engagements with for the past five, six, seven, eight years, not a, oh, we should come visit you. Oh, I'd love to come visit you. Radio fucking silence. You're on my shit list, bitch. I don't think people thought you had a phone number one. That is...

That is crazy because I faced times with them. Oh, I didn't think you had a phone until you got one and started texting me. Yeah, I didn't bother. Mama, I had nothing to do but text people. Right. So Jennifer Koch's fabulous Netflix producer, a director for our Netflix show came. Of course. We had a lovely time. You and Fina came. Well, she was checking out the facility for herself. Yeah. You know. Her addiction to adult bracelets has gone a little far. No, she's addicted to going to the mall and getting threaded.

She's got about one millimeter hair as well. She's addicted to going to the mall and getting glamour shots of herself. By the way, she's addicted to going mattress shopping when she has no inclination to buy one. She's just going to the stores and going like... No, but she's already got a house filled with mattresses. Nothing but. Staple to the wall. Padded room. Have you ever put you in a padded room for your... I gotta tell you this. I thought of you. What? Escape room? Escape room? Escape room? Yes. Let me tell you this. Okay. Oh my God. We are psychically linked. I'm psychic. No, you told me. Oh. Okay. So...

I was in Atlanta. I was in Atlanta. What was I doing there? Working? Oh, I DJed the Wussy magazine. Oh, yeah. Love them. Love them. Brigitte Bidet? I know you went to rehab, but I experienced a party with no air conditioning. So like when it comes to struggles, you were sitting in your air conditioning. Yeah. We got to go back to the rehab because I got to talk about the sound effects at your rehab. But let's go back to me for a second because this is my podcast and I have been...

I had to call a Monet exchange. Oh God. That's how bad it's been. Oh, but you know what though? You looked great. She looked great. Y'all looked great together talking about how it was crazy. Thank you very much. We looked like, cause we both had top ponytails. You looked, we looked like bring it on the clovers and the, the, what are they? The wild cats or whatever. The something. I was expecting the camera to pan down and have all just semen everywhere all over you guys. Leaking out of the hole.

So I'm in Atlanta. Yep. And I'm DJing the Wussy Fest party. It's an opening party. Fun. It's in the basement of an abandoned mall, which is fine. Gay people love weird. And I was excited because I thought...

Um, no tea to this party. I wasn't exactly doing it for the money. So I was just excited to put them on their broke ass party. What I'm saying, there's like corporate gigs you do where you're like this money. But there's $3 no AC gig. No, what I mean is I said yes to this gig without knowing even how much I wanted to do the gig. You were philanthropic. Yes. Not philanthropic, but it's a real gay independent queer thing. They're actually fun people. So I'm like, yes. Yeah.

It's going to be guys, drugs, drag queens, gay guys, body glitter, cheap body glitter. Yeah. It was 175,000 degrees and it was an hour and a half long set and I knew 20 minutes in. I knew...

This is the night the lights will go out in Georgia. Seriously, it was so hot. And then I got to tell you what happens. I'm going to beat this bitch with a bat. I'm going to beat this bitch with a bat. The DJ decks are all here and I try to do sexy dancing. So I walked out in front of the DJ decks and I made my outfit covered in sweat. And I go like this and I put my hands up. This is the DJ decks and I'm going like this and the people are happy, whatever. They love the butt, right? They love the butt. Ooh, sexy. Front row. Front row, lessees. I'm Trixie. Yeah, yeah. They love the butt. They love it. Three fingers, two fingers, all of it. So...

I accidentally apparently unplugged something while I was dancing. So I go back to my decks and my right platter is disconnected and has error messages. So then I go, ah. And this was the week that thing happened to Grimes at Coachella where she had a tech meltdown. So I'm going, okay, well, things happen. Because I had a short way. I did the drag queen thing where I just wet it down, put on my short human unit. No, you take the human unit. You remove six tracks from the back. Yeah, because I want it sparked. I want Gollum.

I want six and a half hairs. Because if they can't see the tracks, they don't know you're a drag queen. Well, I took one track, cut it into pieces, glued them all over. You know what I did? I put on a wig and then put on one of those rubber caps and one of those hooks to pull the highlights through. That's what I had on. A frosting cap? A frosting cap. I had a frosting cap on because I knew I wanted to look fuckable, right?

Wait, wait, wait. I'm walking through the workroom with a frosting cap on. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Riff Raff from Rocky Horror. L'Oreal Farrah, like iced. Yes. Yes. So then I go, okay.

And in the moment, luckily, I have my flash drive plugged in this side. Luckily, planning ahead and counting for the worst thing to happen counts. I reach in my breasts. I pull out my other flash drive, plug it in. And that way, this side at least has music. So by ear, I have to beat match a mix to this side, right? And then while that song's playing, I go back around this time. And I cosplay as sexy dancing. What I'm really doing is pulling out wires and plugging them back in. And I fixed it and no one knew. Oh, right. Round of applause.

from Miss Tech Diva. Miss, thank you very much. So I know you've been to rehab, but some of us have really struggled. Hardships. It was so hot, the sweat was rolling over my lashes instantly.

my eyes, they were burning so bad. And because my lashes are a Venus flytrap, I couldn't even take a tissue and dab my eye. It was just sweat. So I was DJing like this. Now, so just for reference, people at home, if you are sweating, now I'm currently not on drugs and are we just, we recorded with Tammy Brown. That'll probably be out next week or maybe the next week. I don't know. I'm wearing a t-shirt, not on drugs, lovely AC hair, still sweating. Right. You are not a sweater. If I'm sweating, you've died. I'm dead serious. I'm dead serious.

You know, I was at something recently where I said, I'm the like, I'm the strangers with candy dad. Yes. Or, um, the beginning of the ring. I'm the bent neck bitch from that girl on haunted hill.

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I was at something recently and I said, all I'm going to say is you're lucky that it's me here and not Katya because she would have went home already. That's what I said to them.

That's what I said to them. I said she would have went home already. Now I'm out of rehab. I had nothing to lose. You better come correct with that, AC. If I don't see, literally, if you don't have a Montclair, like, if you're not, like, shrink-wrapped and Montclair, like, goose down. Yeah. I'm not coming on anywhere near that set. Because before you went to rehab, if it was hot, you'd be like, look what you made me do. Like, I learned it from you, Dad. You know? And you'd line up the six and a half yards of cocaine. Yeah.

You'd total recall prolapse, open your nose. Actually, the septum comes up and it's just a big giant. It comes off like Michael Jackson. It just comes right off.

You got on one of those big ponytail. Yeah. Like an anteater nose with cocaine. Yes. God, cocaine is so corny. Cocaine is so corny, by the way. Cocaine is so corny. Y'all doing cocaine. It's so corny. At least go to the bathroom. Yeah, thank you. I'm so sick of the cocaine in public. Have some decorum. Oh, I know. People are so brazen and outlandish with Ketamine.

It's like ketamine. Oh, I don't do drugs. I just do ketamine. It's literally that. I'm taking fish oil pills. That's what it's like. I'm taking my Omega 3s. Yeah, my Omega 3s. Yeah. Like it's crazy. It's crazy. But mama, I need to get back to the guest list. Yeah. The guest list at my, my, my, um. Very exclusive. My 50 year, my, my golden, whatever you call that birthday. Whatever the next big birthday party I have. Oh, there's six people on the list. Right. There's the guest list of six people because I am so girl. Ooh.

I don't like pity parties. I really don't like feeling sorry for myself. I allow myself a little, like a small window of resentment. But there are a certain type of people out there. I don't even think they listen to this podcast. But I am so plucked that they didn't even offer to come. Ooh, plucked.

Plucked. There for 30 days. These people do not have regular jobs. They do not have regular jobs. We don't know anybody with a job. No, we don't. Nobody has... People's primary mode of employment here in Los Angeles is, like you said, to inject their balls in dick with silicone and then get PNP'd for about 14 and a half days in a row. In this country of Los Angeles, everybody... Everybody... Is injecting trite. Everybody has...

Everybody has a forklift up their ass. Mama. It is giving. Everybody has the infinity glove up their ass. Thanos. A glove. Gloves. Your ability to close your asshole.

Snap. Disintegrate it. Drop shipment of adult diapers? Snap. Amazon delivery one day prime? Get the dipes down, honey. Get the dipes back on the ass. Wikipedia fissure? Snap. Fissure? Perforation. Honey, you have such a big hole in your colon that when you take a shit, your dick could get confused and take a left at Albuquerque. And guess what? You have a turd in your leg. I don't know.

No, mama, their turds have, are literally, they're strayed. Like the Israelites out of, the turds are wayward. The Israelites out of the desert. Troubled youth. They're just,

It's like, you know, when those first graders are walking with the cord, the cord snaps and they just disperse. That's all the turds going through the colon perforations into their, the turds are bumping up against their kidney, bumping up against their liver. It's they're going down into the leg. Unless of course you're vegan, then you don't poop. Right. You just breathe a lot. What about shit ass? What is that?

Shit ass is when you have not just a shitty ass. It's when you have the crack of your ass is like dark. Stained dark. Let's take a break.

You know, I did somebody else's podcast and I kept saying, let's take a break. And they were like, what are you? Shut up. What? Shut up. And I was like, I like your tone. Okay. Back to Rihanna. Yeah. So nobody came to see you except me and Fina. And by the way, I couldn't. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, listen. Let's go. You, Fina, love it. Tim, Haley, love. We just had, I had breakfast with them today. Jennifer. Jennifer. And Ash Gordon. Love. Of course. Yes. Ash Gordon. Angel on earth. Angel. This woman.

everything in the world. She does. She is so incredible. Herb, we just finished an album. The good news, the good news is that I just finished an album with Killingsworth, Tomas, Ash, and Shiny, who I would still suck the dick clean, clear off his human body. Love Shiny. And he is very uncomfortable with me saying that. Well...

He has a girlfriend. I have made it very inappropriately clear on many occasions that I would service him in a variety of sexual ways. Do you ever flirt? Because I feel like you go zero to 60. Zero to 600. You know, there's flirtation. There's essay. Okay.

And then there's ED. There's ED. Yeah, when there's ED. But there's essay and then there's a lot of lovely avenues to traverse in the middle. You could say, like if he was single. Not interested. You could find out he's single. And maybe the next day you ask, oh, what kind of girls do you like? Oh, you don't like, you like boys. Okay. And that's when I slip a wig on. Next day you go, oh, do you want to hang out after work? Do you want to like... And I show up in a champagne teddy stained with sweat in my frosted cap from L'Oreal. But even that would be better than what you've been doing, which is...

Straight men we work with at work. You know I would suck the turd out of your ass and eat the corn, right? And that man with a wife at work goes... It's like when I go to Reno, who is a lovely PA on Netflix. I'm like, hey, Reno, have you heard the good news? He's like, what? I was like, that I would roto-root your fucking rectum with my fucking head. Right. And he's like, can you put your wig on and get on set? Because we're behind.

Yeah. Oh, Zempik. Talk about it. Okay. This isn't me being like, so you guys think I'm skinny.

I think you have a D-NIC disorder. Every single post now. Is Ozempic. Every single thing I post, the comment is, oh girl, Ozempic. Some of us have just been depressed. Some of us can't eat dairy. Some of us have autoimmune disorders from stress. Some of us have arthritis and can't eat food. TMJ. Clock the TMJ. Mama.

Mama. Sweetie. Mama. Darling. I had to go to a jaw specialist, a maxio something surgeon. They took x-rays of my head. That little head? Yes. They said the soft tissue and the bone in my jaw is so deteriorated. They said you have to get your TMJ, your arthritis under control immediately. Because the joints are damaged. Probably permanently. Yeah.

So they had to give me full head, shoulder, and neck Botox. We're talking upwards of 16 injections. Well, you look very smooth. All over. And not in the cool ways. Not in the sexy ways. Oh, yeah. All in the muscles. I noticed you all got them lines up there. Because it wasn't for beauty. It was for muscles. Well, why can't they just do it for... It's autumn sunrise.

Then, they take a needle this big. Oh. The cortisone. Yeah. Cortisone. Yeah. Cortisone. Cortisone. In the jaw. And the woman goes, she goes, so it's going to be some discomfort. I look at her. I say, can you just cut the shit, Beverly? Is this going to be the worst? It's good. And she goes,

It's, it's, it's, she was like, it hurts a lot. And I'm like, thank you though. Yeah. Yeah. Because these dentists who go, you're going to feel pressure, pressure, pressure. How about when my legs been cut off? How about pressure? When they say, when they put one leg up on it,

Honey, I was like, who are you trying to kill here? By the way, I'm so depressed about my disabled joint now that I'm crying in the office. So they're giving me needles all over. Then they're putting the huge needle on my joint and I'm just sobbing, but trying not to move because the needle's so deep in there. It hurts so fucking bad.

And then I got to do the weekly injections still. So every fucking Monday, I take three methotrexate, which they use for aborting babies. That's how fam I am. Thank you. I'm so pussy. I got to take Plan B. I'm so pussy. I'm taking Plan B, honey. Girl. Ozempic, Plan B. So then I got to take the Humira auto-injector, stab down the leg. Well, you don't have to stab. Well, I do.

stab in the leg and they say you can either do that or you can pinch here I'm like I'm not doing that no but that's the way to do it for my brief I had a flirtation with HGH back in the day a flirtation right like a meet cute a little a moose boosh with it and you just literally it's a diabetic needle

It's just go boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. It's like I did to Amy's cat. I wasn't built for, I mean, Humira and Methyltryxate worked me out. I ran five miles the other day. Couldn't believe it. I cried. Yeah, but I would caution you to, because those steroid injections are temporary relief.

This wasn't a steroid injection. Okay, but you should, this is, I think you could really put a fun spin on it. Listen to this. You have David tape you to the chair, put a gag in your mouth. Who do you think did the first injection? David. Yes. Yes. I'm sitting on the kitchen counter. You need to go damsel in distress and like, oh.

Ball gag. Pulpiction. You need to be like a struggling victim. A gimp. Latex gimp outfit. He drags you out of the chest. You're in full latex with one of those tubes. Nipple clamps. Cock and ball torture. CBT? No, cage. CBT. But my clit. So my swollen clit in the dick cage. Swollen clit pumped with saline.

Hello. A manicky pan. Six and a half gallons. It's dragging behind me like a watermelon. You kidding? You kidding? Like a hot water bag. Babe. Babe. Babe Tina. The first day he did it, David's like, just shut up. He's going to put the needle in. And I'm stopping. I'm going, wait a minute. No, you can't. Let's just talk about this. I'm like, because the, but you really just have to do it. Yeah. You go bam, bam, bam. Intramuscular. Yeah. And then one word I yell, I don't know why I go bam.

Christmas! Christmas! And then it's over. Oh. That's like your safe word. Yeah. Cool. So I went to your rehab. No, due to the Tabitha, because every day I fantasize about doing Tabitha takes over rehab edition. And every time I was like, I'm going to blow it up. Honey. We're going to do demo reno. I had an idea of what you paid for it. Raise the building. I had an idea of what you paid for it. Oh, yeah. I walked in. I looked around. I kicked the tires. I went...

Yeah. Mailstaff. We got about $85 worth of West Elm furniture in here. Okay. West Elm? Honey, those ads on Instagram that are literally just a Chinese scam. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We actually, you send money and then you send more money and you get no furniture. You get a FedEx box of plastic bags. And that's all fine. They're not meant to make you want to stay forever. Excuse your mouth. But if you're going to spend a lot of money, thank you very much. And every 20 minutes, Mailstaff.

What are they male staffing? Female staff. What? Male staff. Let's take a break. Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast, Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later. What I found abominable at your rehab was the design in the kitchen. The design in the kitchen. Mail staff. And I don't ever want to go there and I don't want them to be mad at me. No. You're never going to go there. I know you do the Lord's work.

Some of them, listen, this is shout out to the Texans. They're cunty. Of course. That all matters. Rehab matters. That fucking kitchen was a, was, was. Can I just say as a reno star,

Pull the cabinets off the wall, sand them down, refinish them, put new knobs on them. It's a two-day project and it's not that expensive. That like 2006 Fiesta Kitchen girl. How about that squiggly top thing with the recessed lights? I hate recessed lighting. Mama, how about the recessed can lights? So when my reading light in my room was a can light, a...

A cool temperature recess, which gives no other vibe than saw. Right. Let's play a game. Saw. Yeah. Let's play a game. Try. I dare you to, um, you have 30 days to not knock off your own leg and beat yourself to death with it. Right. Clock is ticking.

What I found egregious is, of course, it's an echoey place, right? Hardwood floors, tall ceilings, very beautiful tall ceilings. I actually kept thinking, God, this could be such a beautiful house. It was in a gorgeous neighborhood with very overpriced houses there. Um...

I signed in. Love that. Because when you and I went to visit our friend at rehab, they didn't sign me in. They didn't check my pockets. I could have just came in with my six kilos of coke. With a brick of meth. Yeah. I would have gone, mail staff, and then just given them cocaine and left. But the one you were at, they had the most horrible...

Oh, God. I feel like they're going to watch this. So fucking what? They had the most horrible wave sounds playing. Every room. Every room had at the foot of the door or the – It was a noisemaker from Amazon. No, no.

It was trying to be waves, but it wasn't waves. No, it was this. It was a white noise machine that functioned nary at all. It did not function. It served its purpose not at all. Because what you did hear was...

was that horrible fucking white noise and every single word that's happening in the room. Yeah. So, and then I had the, I had the, I was given the great pleasure, the great, wonderful pleasure of being in the back room where there are two slatted barn doors. So there's no privacy from, there's no auditory privacy. Well, I hate barn doors. I understand. Well, then also they're painted over about six times so they don't close. So every time I got a good warning for the,

mail staff, by the clunk, clunk, clunk of the barn doors not shutting. It was a really wonderful experience. I can't wait to go back. And you will. And you will. You're bald. You're bald. You're bald.

I hate barn doors because people put them on bathrooms. And so bathroom sounds and smells. Barn doors don't even close. No, barn doors don't close. And also when you have slatted ones, there's no privacy from... Just shit smells and shit sounds. Oh, here it's bellowing down the hallway. Over. Also, the indignity of me having to steal olive oil from the kitchen to go quickly jerk off in the shower after my...

Mail staff. I had, I know I got 20 minutes. I'd just steal, I'd steal the extra virgin olive oil in a cup from the kitchen, run into the

barn doors on the shower. Right. And then I would furiously like rub one out. And then for some reason they had, it wasn't this, it was this, it was like, hold on. Yeah. Have you ever sharpened a pencil? It was a lot like that. Furiously jerk off with no porn, of course. And it was, um, I think I jerked off twice in a month, which is a real record for me. The only saving grace was, um, some of the staff was really incredible, including, um,

who coined so many phrases, Menti B being one of them, short for mental breakdown. That is so funny to me. So funny to me. And we had a lot of laughs. You know when you say it's in the powerful and people are like, I was like, what are you doing? Menti B. I was just telling you to hurry up. Yeah. We get it. You're crackhead. God. Quit littering the story with details. No, she was great. And then...

lovely guy. I probably, I can't talk about him by name. Let's talk about the art therapy. So I've been doing, my therapist told me to get paint, to get crayons. And I said, crayons don't patronize me, bitch. I might be bald, but I'm not Tommy pickles. I'm not a child. I get watercolor. Oh yeah. And I start to my watercolor. By the way, I love it. I put on my headphones. I sit outside. I watercolor. I love it.

I paint that day a poly pocket, a teal poly pocket. And you send me your art therapy. So I send you my teal poly pocket and you send me the grudge. I think I actually have it. I have both of them. Oh, you do? I have both of them. Put them up on now. Put them up now. Put them on our Instagram. This is me. This is me in rehab. Oh, yeah. Ready?

That's me going to the bathroom when you hear through the barn doors Where is it? This Polly pocket I'm gonna show the room gorgeous are this person we got it right here. I like a small Yeah, not unlike this reminds me of in the movie when the house is haunted and the kid is doing drawings the mom's like What's that? He's like I see this at night. You know what I mean? What is your therapist say when they walk by saw this? Um, he was like cute. I

I don't know. I was doing, I was, I was a 41. I was a 41. I mean, shit. Cause they want to give you a color pencil because right. I mean, mama, they had to, they had the sharp, they had the knife. Once we had steak for dinner and I was like, can I have a knife? I was like, can I have a knife? No. And they had to unlock the knife. They said, nice try. And I imagine if I was just like, thank you so much.

Well, that's what they don't want. I know. Speaking of, I rewatched Invisible Man. With Elizabeth Moss? Yes. And the part where the knife slit in public. Her sister. I know. Her sister's throat. That was the gaggiest. Because they had that fun moment with the, they're both making fun of the waiter in the restaurant. It was like a really like frou-frou restaurant. And then she was like, I believe you. Yeah. It was cunt. And then you see her eyes look to the floating knife. And then Elizabeth Moss is like, what? Knife slit. Then throw it in the hand.

Yeah, cunty. I saw that in Germany, bitch. I think you're with me. She's definitely a Scientologist, but that whore can act. It's amazing. I'm going to be a Scientologist tomorrow. Babe, girl, get into it. I don't grow Shelly, Miss Cabbage. I don't care. Make me go missing. You think I'm going to take life advice from Leah Remini? I don't think so. She's probably not paying property taxes. Thank you. Let's get into that, bitch. Property taxes?

Property taxes. Mama. The robbery. The tomfoolery. And you know what happened to me in Milwaukee? What? You know I didn't pay my property taxes. You had to go to City Hall. City of Milwaukee took my house. And I had to go to Milwaukee City Hall and appeal and pay all the policies. My fees there are like $2,000 a year, my property taxes. But because of all the late fees and the penalties, I paid $8,000.

Jesus. You know, they say rent, and I know we're going to veer into the territory of unrelatable rich fuckheads, but I have to say that, you know, they always say renting is a scam. It is. But also home ownership is very scam likely. Maybe they got you for 18 years and on the 18th birthday you'll find out it wasn't his.

They really do. It's scam likely. My mom's house. Taxes, fees. What for? I mean, girl, it was crazy. My condo in Milwaukee is $120,000, right? Very affordable home. Yeah, cheap. 300 square feet. It's a closet. How much is 300 square feet? I have no reference. Maybe like that closet, this room and this bathroom. It's small. For real? I pay $2,000 a year on property taxes for my house here.

We can't even get into it. We can't even get into it. And I know owning a home is a privilege, but I didn't understand property taxes. I didn't know. It's so crazy. You owe money for your house existing on earth. Yeah. Why? I know you're wondering, why am I so red? Well, because I've been, um, I've been, the only thing that I was able to do at rehab was convince them to take us tanning three times in a row. In the car. Tell them what you call the car. The druggie buggy.

Is that like a clinical term? Yes. Are you kidding me? The white van? Now, so you know what adds insult to injury is that I have been to a treatment center that is booboo the fool, no cook. We had to fend for ourselves, groceries, share a room, and to suffer the indignity of having to load up into a white pedo rape van and then get carted to a meeting in Surprise, Arizona, where people are vaping on carburetors in a church basement.

That's tough. Surprise, Arizona. Surprise, bitch. Yeah. I can't take that. It's too much. Surprise, Arizona. Surprise, Arizona. We're hunting for scorpions. We've golf clubs. By the way, drag is so played out that literally could be a drag queen's name. Yeah. Surprise, Arizona. Yeah. Well, we had talked, we discussed earlier that I'm going on, I'm back on Canada versus New Mexico where the fuck their drag race is doing. Now, by the way,

Canada versus Laos. In a time where world relations are very trepidatious. I know. Why are these shows called, well, I'm on Drag Race, Nuclear War. Like all these names are so crazy. Iran versus Russia. Like what the fuck? Literally. Well, I'm on Drag Race, Kuwait versus the world. Like it's really crazy. It's wild. But I'm going on as Gwen. I have a selfie stick, a long flat wig and a bunch of bracelets. Yes, because this is the thing.

Drag queens are kindred spirits. They're doing carnival floats from the get-go for the mini challenge. Zumanity. Zumanity. Just for their workroom entrance. It's crazy. Now, drag queens, back in the day, our sisters in the club, of course, are the trans women. Yeah. And our other cousins...

are one-eyed cousins are the CDs. The Tiffany Club. Yes. The gentlemen who have maybe children and husbands who go out in drag. They want to feel the sheer leg fantasy of it. Yeah. And their kink is to look at and be looked at. Yeah. And they often, let's say, aren't giving an illusion. No. It's the Uncle Bob in a wig. And you're a showgirl. You're in glitter and your giant wig and your boa and you're like,

Fuck me. And then they come up and they're like, Hey honey, you girls look nice. I really love what you're doing on stage there, little lady. And they're often in, let's say Charlotte Roos. Charlotte Roos? Honey, and Taylor Loft. Yes. It's got a turtleneck with one necklace with a single pendant. Black jeans. Black jeans. And a blouse. Maybe a chain belt over a sweater. Maybe. With a barrette. What do you think about whale tails?

Maybe one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think what Drag Race needs is like 11 cunty drag queens from all over the states. And Gwen. And Gwen. That needs to cast a lovely CD from North Carolina. Yeah, yeah. Who has nothing but denim. Yeah. And women's flannels. She really goes to broke at that finale when she brings out all the bracelets. And she goes like this. Oh, she brings out her ring with her birthstone. Topaz. It's this big paradox. Paradox.

And she goes up to the judges and she goes, and then she gets, she takes her little black Chanel fake Chanel boots and her, and she just walks out. You know what it is? It's always a sundress. And it's always the first person dance at the club at 8 PM. No, I think it's out there like this. No, I read it.

You know what my fantasy is though? My fantasy is I am coming with a chunky cable knit off the shoulder sweater dress with a chain belt and then a boot cut jean with a mule or like a mule, a two inch mule with a mother of pearl toe buckle.

Oh, yeah. And I'm going French tip press-ons, badly glued. Yes. Rooted side part. No lashes. Are you kidding me? No foundation. No lashes. No, no. Excuse you. I do bare minerals. I do a frosty lip. And the wrong color. Super light. Super light. Super light. So it really, that light bounces off of it. And definitely use your real hairline.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. The wig is sitting back here. The wig is sitting back. It's very Elizabeth, Queen Elizabeth. And also I'm doing black eyeliner way under. Yes. Way under the eye. Circles. And a cat eye that goes down. Oh,

And if you do do a lash, make sure it's a 301 and it hangs off the edge of your eye. Yeah, drowned cat eye. Definitely. Drowned cat eye and then spider. I'll cut the 301 and then I'll put it, I'll glue it about an inch off the lash. And for the lip, can I just request a dark purple lip liner and a light frosty lipstick? A frost. A wet and wild frost. 100%. From like, from like,

2002. Frozen grapes. A color like that. Yeah. Frozen grapes. And I'll get my, um, I will, you know, but I will splurge on getting my ears pierced a second hole. So I'll do two studs. Don't, by the way, don't bad mouth wet and wild. I'm not, I'm just saying it's from 2002. So it's all gummed up. Oh yeah. Yes. It's all gummed up. Um, it's really, I'm really going to give it to him and I'm going to wear a choker cause I would never hold, I would never show this at them. Right. A velvet choker with a, with a cameo on it.

chunky cowl neck sweater. That's what I mean. Over the shoulder. Yeah. You have to. And tailored loft clearance section. I just think drag has gotten so good. We need to remind people that there's a lot of different fun cross-dressing going on in the world. And some of it's not showgirl material. Yes. And also, listen, I'm going to burn up those challenges. Don't get me twisted. Don't get it twisted. Yeah. I'm going to burn up the challenges. I'm going to do great. I'm just not going to do carnival float on the runway because I feel like that's corny now.

It's also so expensive. Girl. Who has the money to do that? I don't even have the money to do that. And I have a lot of money. If you and I were on All Stars now, which we're about to start Pit Stop this week. I can't wait to see what these rich drag queens are pulling out. It's too much. If you and I were on Drag Race now. We'd go right into the workroom and then walk right out. Grab some lipstick, write on the mirror, and be escorted out. Yes. That's what would happen. They wouldn't even turn the engine off the van. Girl.

I don't know. RuPaul herself is waiting to drive us home. They'll be like, so we noticed you brought suitcases. What are those about? We're going to carry on. And by the way, we're going to make you go through TSA because we don't even trust you. We'll be the only drag queens they put through TSA if you go on Drag Race. It's really crazy. I can't wait to start it because I was looking at their promo looks and I was like,

I don't even know where to get this stuff. No. And I don't even aspire to that. No, I don't either. I don't either. I don't get, I mean, I'm excited. I got some new boots. I got some new leather boots in the mail and they are so cunt. They're so cunt for me.

Do you know what I mean? They're like, for you. They're coming for me. And then by comparison, I was saying like earlier, it's like, it really gives my drag really gives like Thursday night, a second choice babysitter in Des Moines. Right. Second choice, not the first choice. It's like Thursday night, nine, like nine to 12. Heavy smoker. Heavy. Yes.

Gwen. Gwen. Oh shit, Donna wasn't available. So we got to call Gwen. Donna wasn't available. So we're calling Gwen. And you think we can trust around the kids? I mean, she smokes a lot. Last time, she almost burned down the house. Yeah, call her. Right, right. It's our anniversary, babe. We got to call her. Well, last time we got home, she was blowing smoke directly in the face of our newborn. Well, that's Gwen. The newborn came home, had a cigar and was blowing rings. But that's Gwen. Boss baby. Boss baby.

That's just Gwen. I know we're almost done, but I have more to say. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm not done about this shit list. So I just, this is a public service announcement. If you thought you were my friend and you didn't come visit me in rehab, we got some splaining to do. That's it.

To be honest, when I first came, I brought Fina because I was like, I don't know if she really wants us to visit her school. Are you joking? Are you joking? I couldn't tell if you would have even wanted us to visit. I was desperate for you to come visit. I'm so glad you did. I couldn't have told. I was like, does she really want us out of her face during this? Or does she want us to come? I don't know. God, I love that you came. And Jennifer too. It was great. Intimidating. Yeah. It was just like, because there wasn't just a lot, there wasn't a lot of stimulation. It was different than when we visited our friend in rehab.

Do you remember the meal? We got prepared a meal that was some of the best food I've ever had. Some of the best food. And where did we eat? By the pool facing the ocean. The food was so good. It was gorgeous. It was a gorgeous spread, a buffet, a buffet. And then we lounged by the infinity pool overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I felt like Suzanne Somers on Star Island. Yeah, it was wild. I did.

On Starry Island? Star Island. What's that? You know what that island, I think it's in Miami where like Gloria Estefan lives. And like, there's an island where it's like $30 million homes were only super famous. Like Suzanne Somers level money, like home shopping network money. Oh, wow. Gloria Estefan. It's like Star Island. And like, there's a boat that goes by with tourists that they like hope to see Suzanne Somers, I don't know, sunbathing. Wow. Well, let me, okay. Speaking of stars, I have to, we got to end with this. So I was talking to Ash Gordon and I was talking to Gretchen Felker-Martin.

And, oh, I saw two great horror movies, but we can save for the next one. I was talking to Grace. She was like, she was so sweet. She's an incredible author and film critic. And she's like, hey, listen, if you're, you know, I know you're having a tough time. If you ever need like a comfort movie, Moonstruck always hits the spot. Okay. And boy, the fuck was she right. I've never seen it. It is...

So good. What's it about? It's about, it's basically like an ethnic comedy of like an Italian family and a love story. It's like a screwball comedy. It's 60s, right? No, 1987. Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis. It's about, it's an incredible ensemble comedy movie. Is Mermaids the Cher movie? Mermaids, yeah. With a Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci. Okay, sorry. But this is 1987. This is the snap out of it. This is Moonstruck. Snap out of it! It's so good.

So funny. It's so good. She looks so beautiful. She won an Oscar for it. So did, I think, Elimini Dukakis, best supporting actress. Thanks. Do you remember Queen of Flips saying, Oh, no. You're great. Her share. That's so fierce. Also, braces, cunty. Gwen has braces, by the way. She has the clear braces that looks like Gwen. Gwen has a glass eye.

She didn't even bring it. She left it at home. Like, are you out of your mind? A caved in black hole of one eye and then white braces that look like shit on her teeth. Absolutely. You know, like the white, the clear braces that are not clear and they look like you just had... No, no, no, no, not Invisalign. These are the clear that look like you just like...

chomped on a bunch of corn and didn't chew. Just get braces. Just get silver. Absolutely. But Gwen can't be, you can't tell her. So she's got those nasty teeth with the caved in glass I should forgot in the, in the van. And you know what song sends Gwen to the fucking dance floor? What? Black Velvet. Yeah. Or let's go girls. Let's go.

Let's go home, girls. You know? So, okay, wait. Moonstruck. You gotta watch it. I'll watch it. It is... It's probably on TCM. It's perfect. It's a perfect movie. It's a perfect movie. It's so good. It's so funny. It's so cute. It's so romantic. It's so lovely. What's it about? It's about...

an Italian family. They all like the mother. She's 37 years old, lives with her mother and with her father. And it's like in New York city. And it's a love story between there's like a screwball love story, but it's really like an Italian family comedy. It's fucking amazing. Can't wait. I'm going to watch it. You'll love it. You'll love it. It's so funny. I did. The last movie you told me to watch was saw. And I did watch it. Oh, with the, with the, with the bone marrow. It's good though. It's good. Loved it. But you know what though?

Why chop off the leg? If you're not going to get it done in the time, what are we doing? Also, when you're staring down the barrel of...

A pretty fucking quick decapitation. Just say you're real. Just do that. Just say you're Hail Mary and be done. That's what I watched and I went, I would have just waited for the head to pop off. Because she not only was tasked with putting the tourniquet on, sawing off her own fucking leg, she had to jam a cannula into her bone to get enough bone marrow. I mean, who's going to fucking do that in two minutes? It kind of was not enough time, I thought. No, 20 seconds.

But then it's a whole long, it's a real long movie. What's the worst saw trap? Cause there's some bad ones. I really didn't like where she had to go rummaging through the needles. That was right up your alley. But that was like, I know like that was like, that was a little like, I thought that was a little hateful. It's a little spiteful. My least favorite is the one in the room where, um, the key to it is on a fishing line in her stomach on a hook.

And he has to pull it out her trachea. And if she screams at all above a decibel, they like both die. So he's trying to yank a huge fishing hook with keys on it out her trachea and her eyes are watering and she's trying not to scream. It's horrible. I've never heard of that. I never saw that one and I never want to. That one's horrible. I never want to see that. Yeah. Those movies, I don't, the older I get, honestly,

Gore torture porn is not for me. I'm sorry. I kind of am thinking the same thing because so Gretchen also recommended I see Infested, which is a 2024 French film about spider that makes arachnophobia look like Pee Wee's Playhouse. That's scary.

Like I was watching the trailer. She's like, you will fucking scream. She said she cried. And this bitch is sick. This bitch is fucked up. I watched the trailer on my phone. I threw my phone across the room and screamed.

Disgusting. I'm going to watch it. Yeah, I'm going to watch it too. Okay. Bye. Bye.