The Face Giveth and the Face Taketh Away with Trixie and Katya
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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. I am Trixie Mattel, The Bald, and The Beautiful is in the studio today. We have the one and only Katya. Right over there. Oh. With a cigarette hanging out of her mouth and one eye. Yeah.

Oh, God.

Is it a pookie? I can't read that. I don't know what it says. I still don't know what it says. This is the first page of our script. Oh, there's a script? I'm just going to tell the kids at home. It's a script that's about 85 pages. And I would say you and I are about halfway-ish. Oh, I've got a binder, baby. I went to CVS to buy a binder. Look at my script.

Because they didn't have a whole punch. Yeah. But I've been going through it. Let's look at the calendar. No, no, no. This is not a horror podcast. This isn't a true crime podcast. It's in less than a month. It starts in less than a month. I know, I know, I know. I'm living in the moment. Let's live in the moment. I know. It's crazy. I remember, I vividly recall... Oh, you're frozen. No, you're not. I vividly recall...

But three months ago, and I'm like, it's in three months. Now it's different. It's sooner. It's less than four weeks, Mary. I know. It's crazy. February is a short month. February is the shortest month. And it's not a leap year. There's a week left to this. And then it's three weeks. Girl, it's three weeks. Mama. Sweetie, darling, honey. Sweetie, darling, honey. Are you scared?

I'm not scared, but I wish I was totally off book instead of halfway. Oh, I'm not worried about the off book. I hope that everybody who loves us just comes with an open mind and knows that there was good intentions. No disclaimers. It's not going to be bad, Mama. It's not going to be bad. It's not going to be bad.

It's not going to be bad. And you know what? Given the quality of drag in today's world, it's going to be better than most things you see. Showing up is half the battle, let me tell you that much. Yeah. Girl, I mean, it's... You know, I wrote a bunch of things down to talk about with you today. One of my questions I wanted to ask you was, if you could go back and have like a ghost of Christmas future to yourself as a brand new drag queen, what skills or things would you have said...

Do this first. Learn this first. This will help you the most if you learn it sooner. It's tough though because – Because you know how the irony is like by the time you can make your own costumes, you're like I wish I would have known. But you can't know those things until – I think I would have –

By the time you can afford nice makeup, you're better at makeup. Right. I think I would have done the foundational basics of sewing, of garment construction. I would have done community college or adult education, like Sewing 101, every three nights a week or something. Because they're like $20 classes sometimes. I would have done that. Because learning by trial and error by yourself, winging it, YouTube, yeah. But...

Like it's just, you create bad habits and then it's really tough to, to, to break those. You know what I mean? Yeah. And especially with sewing, if you don't really expand your vocabulary on how to, how to, how to manipulate fabric, you can only do so. Think about sewing, sewing, garment construction, people devote their entire lives, generations of families devote their entire life to just silk.

Do you know what I mean? Like to just like trousers. We make jackets. So that would be probably something that would be extremely valuable and also an extraordinarily marketable skill when you become obsolete in the drag arena. Not just obsolete, but you can have a day job for the days we don't have shows making costumes for other drag queens. Yeah. Or anybody. You can burn out a catsuit for someone in the afternoon and say, hey, it's $100. Sure. Or you can make trousers for Prada or whatever.

Yeah, or just someone. Someone named Prada. Yeah, yeah. Joanne Prada. Well, I'm learning this and I should actually spend some time with this after this. But we are going to. We're all over the – What's your technique for memorization? I go one page at a time. Do you write it down? I go one page at a time and –

No. I go one page at a time in chronological order. And I say it out loud, I think about the shapes of the words, I think about what I'm saying in relation to what just happened. And that way, what just happens before me becomes the trigger for my brain going, "Oh, I know what goes next." Acting is reacting. Yes. So then I do this very high tech thing where I cover the page with my hand, and I read the line before and I go, "Okay, what's next?"

I know. Very smart. Very big brain shift over here. You know what I do? This is a little unorthodox, although it is kind of orthodox. It's old school before the talkies. You do this. You take a roll of paper towels, and then you wet two spots with your tongue. You put it on your eyes. You fold it up. It works well if you're wearing a hat. And then I forget the rest of it, but it's a good technique. Do you know how much of that I thought was going somewhere real? No.

Do you know how much of that I was like, oh, marry me, marry me, say yes, say yes. No, I just, I wrote it out in a composition. Look, I'm writing it out in a composition book. And I abbreviate your lines, but I do include the first and the... We can have some long lines, honey. I'm not going to write those all out. But, you know, I'd say...

You know. Look, I've been writing. I've been working. Honey, working. Honey, working. Yeah, you have, honey. Thank you. Well, the tour is going to be great. It's so funny and everybody should come see it. We're going to be all over the United States, all over the world. All over the world. All over the world, honey. It's getting a little overwhelming. Some of these venues are... Girl. A little ambitious. Girl. Mama. Girl. Some of these venues seat 5,000 people. Ugh.

And there will be video. I don't want to give away the show, but there will be video cameras on our faces on Jumbotron so that everyone can see us. All of our dazzlingly clogged pores will be in full glorious display. Yeah. We should have just recorded the show like a lip sync. And then we could have just lip synced the whole show. I'm going to do you one better. We should have just made a movie and toured with that. I love that. Yeah, I know. But we did some, we have some cool. I have a new talent. I want to exploit because I want to do clubs again. DJ. But.

Well, I love DJing, but I also want to offer guest bartending where I just only serve shots. What do you want? Great. Here's your drink. Bye. Eliminate the whole performance thing. I just need to put on the wig and show up and drink and go home. I got to work backwards.

I want to do music. I want to do stand-up. Now I'm like, I just want to slither back into the clubs. Pretty soon, busboy. Drag busboy. Mary, I own a motel. Hospitality. I'm back in the hospitality industry. Hospitality. Maid. You're going to pivot to maid. That's your third act, cleaning the jizz off of sheets in your motel. I'm going to pivot to maids. Yeah. I'm going to pivot to maids. Maid in Manhattan. I, uh...

Yeah, it's, it's, uh, but the tours can be great. We have the most amazing costume people in the drag industry working for us. So I have no, I have no concerns in that area. My concerns are my brain remembering all these dances we're going to have to learn in the next like two weeks. Yeah, that's, that's, that's what, and I told him, I was like, I, and I said many times in very clear and ambiguous English, I am a slow learner, right?

I need, so think about the stupidest person you know who can't do a step. How much time they would need. Double it, and that's me. You know, because I want this to be tight. Well, have we told people who the choreographer is? Oh, no, no, no, then Miss Laganja Estranja. That's the thing. The Jillian Michaels of drag.

Laganja pushed me to my breaking point with Hello, Hello. She went right up to the edge of what I could handle and did not spill a drop over edge. But she made use of every ability I had. She didn't overdo it, but she didn't give me room to breathe. So I'm afraid that we're going to go into first day of rehearsal. She's going to go, all right, this first part's really easy.

You know what I mean? Where's the mini tramp in the crash pad? Yeah. But I know her. I mean, the thing that I love about working with her is that obviously we're friends. We've worked together. She knows about the divas. She knows about the dolls. She knows about the broken dolls. And she knows about the old divas. So like she's going to tailor the – plus she's going to make those dancers work. I actually feel worse for the dancers than I do for myself. Yeah.

We have some great dancers on this tour. We got Paula Abdul. We got Jennifer Lopez. We have Trevor, the tall... Trevor, who is the tall black dancer in my video for Hello, Hello. Get out of town. He's so tall. Such a good dancer. He learns dances like that. Yeah.

He's the biggest bag ever, so he's so fun. Oh, that's so great. I just love tall people because then I look such like a teeny tiny little petite girl get crushed by a car. I know. You know what I want to do on this tour? I hope we get to do this. I hope we get to do step, bump, step, bump, bump, step, bump, step, potabou, ray, clap.

Yes. Do you remember in Reno 911 when she does that? Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait. Or wait, can I, oh, I'm going to give a teaser. Hold on one second. It's a little bit of a spoiler, but because I'm worried about my feet, right? I'm worried about night after night being old. So these biscuits, we got these biscuits. Now this is a, this is a biscuit. Is this your show shoe? This is a biscuit. Is that your show shoe? Yes. But look. Did you stone that? Eden did.

So it went from drab to fab. Like, that's pretty stunning. Are you changing shoes in this shop? I'm so, I'm still not sure. Because, listen, it's all fun and games until you get on there the third night. And you're like, fuck. Mary, I'm actually serving a three-inch shoe.

lady bunny with an ankle strap. And I don't feel bad about it. What do you think this is? What do you think this is, Mary? Three inches. I'm going to measure it. Well, that's what Kennedy wears. That's what Kennedy wears. She does run walkovers and fucking backflips, Mary. This is... Oh. Three inches. Work, girl. I'm sorry. But you know what else on these big stages? They can't fucking see my feet anywhere. No. I'm more worried about what's happening from the knees up.

You know what I mean? Yes. And with costume changes, hair off the shoulders. Yeah. And shoes that don't cripple you backstage. Yeah. Or cripple you period. You can't be in spike. Yeah.

You can't be in spikes. And by the way, backstage is blackout dark and you're in spikes. Like I think of how many times I've walked off stage actually blind because of the spotlight. Yeah. And like stumbling in heels and being like, what am I doing? Or if there's a crack in the, if there's like a crack in the, um, any, in those old theaters. Yeah. Yeah. I had plans. Well, somebody's as thin as me. I can just fall right in. Right in. I break my leg. Oh, yeah.

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I have these gorgeous couture thigh-high, like, to-the-pussy patent leather stiletto boots. I was like, oh, that would be great for my sexy number. I'm like, yeah, real sexy until I just break both my ankles. But you know what, though? With a boot, a boot will help if you break it, like –

Oh my God. Vanderpump just broke her leg in four places. She fell off a horse. She went over the front of her horse and broke her leg in four places. Yes. I found a butter. I found about it in the news and she called me and yeah, she had to have, um, surgery emergency. She had to, uh, normally a sports doc. No multiple like, uh, magic pins and needles and springs girl. She's she's go, go gadget.

steal she's in bed for it's going to take a long time for everything to heal but oh that's horse riding horseback riding is dangerous let me tell you about this let me tell you about this I just had a conversation with this guy in the car about this what we're not doing in 2022 riding horses or going skiing no it's not it's too much no Natasha Richardson Sonny Bono Gaspar Uriel dead girl I'm just came where they should be dead

Yeah, but yeah, that's extreme sports though. So that's a little bit different. They have a license to kill. I just don't, mama, who's going skiing? You on your bunny hop could die. Yes. Rocketing off cliffs. But he knows that. That's the thrill. You know, it's not just a little sport. He wants it. He's a rich person who's like, look, I just get mama. No.

It's so scary and dangerous and rotten and awful. You know what, though? We should commit to this. And I'm sure you're more positive than I am in a lot of ways. HIV, darling. We should try to enjoy this process because I found with the motel, now that we're done renovating, I stressed the whole time. And therefore, I did not. I wish I would have enjoyed a little more of it. So I hope on this tour, this rehearsal process...

I hope I don't just go home every night wanting to shoot myself in the face because these rehearsals wear me out, bitch. Psychological wear out.

Yeah. I mean, for me, it's going to be physical because like, so for example, I'll do it. I'll do a day at the gym and that's one-on-one training. So it's not a lot of waiting around, you know, it's, it's a full hour of activity with, with, with a maximum 90 second breaks. And like, I leave there hobbled mostly. And I'm like, fuck, I hope, I hope I'm like in shape to do this. You know what I mean? Um, so let me get me started. I've been, I've been,

I'm back on the horse with my running and then I got sick. And so I spent...

About a week and a half in bed doing nothing but eating. Now I'm like, cool. Really cool. I think this is all really cool. There's a lot. I'm not wearing a steel bone corset on this tour. Oh, I can't. That's what I was just talking to Jason about. I don't want to either. It's not worth it. Like for Violet, that's a different thing because she serves a silhouette and it's a spectacle of a particular kind.

I will be so fucking miserable. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But we're dead. She died. And she's, yeah, she's no longer with us. Yeah. You know, but I just, I mean, let's build up the shoulder, build up the hip, put me in a big way. I can't do that. I can't do the corset. I can't dancing in a corset. We're not doing that. I can't. And you know, girl, the gun just going to have us doing fucking body. It's going to be body rolls. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you know what else I had to explain to her.

She was like, you know, and this, then you're snap, snap. I'm like, look, I can't do that. I can't, I have four wigs on and like snap my head around. That doesn't happen. You're going to break your neck. And she's in like a flat, like, um, like no clothes, no nothing. Naked. Naked. Flipping. She's like, what do you mean? I'm like, girl, I can't do all that. I know. Even to add in though, to injury, when I coerced it at, at respiratory, like, uh, uh,

uh critical respiratory failure i still look like i have a 30 inch waist so it's like not even worth it it's not even worth it mary we are still going to look amazing though it's topped out you know huh but like when i was 25 doing like the group tours drunk lip-syncing every night i'm not there anymore

That's not the situation. I know. I used to do actual flip-flops on stage, backflips and stuff. I was like, I'm not thinking. Do you realize we are touring until December? Oh, I know it. Do you even process that? No. I just say I have a 2-2-2 thing. I've got two minutes, two hours, and two weeks. That's about it. Luckily, because of you, I think it's only three shows a week, right? No, no, no, no. About four, maybe. I don't think there's more than five, though.

When I tour, I do five. And I think with you, it's four, which is probably a little easier.

I learned on my tour that I erred on the side of caution because I didn't want to go insane and become a cracky and just go in the woods. But I found that we underplayed it, which ended up being boring. Girl, it becomes a waste of money. Well, it is a waste of money. Every day you're not touring wastes money. It is a waste of money. However, there is a point where it gets into, okay, we're making money, but we're all miserable.

And we're sick. And like a three-day show, a set of three days in a row, that first show, you're like. Yeah. There was a point in Montreal. It was a great show. When I was in the dressing room, I was like, I'd pay $50,000 not to do this show. I was so tired. I was so, my body hurt. It was like, I didn't do anything in that show. I came to that show. No, no, Montreal. It was in Montreal. You didn't come to Montreal. You came to Ottawa or something like that. You were in Canada, but not Montreal. Oh, right, right, right.

One time I walked into the band's dressing room and I said, knock, knock, knock. And they're standing there in all their suits with their instruments on. And I go, is this show The Move tonight? Is it really The Move? I love that. And they were like, it's The Move. And I was like, are you – Something – something about that. You know, I did see a Bennigan's down the street. And they're open till 11. So I – Yeah. What is it psychologically that like – there's something about performing that

I desperately love the gig. I want the gig. I thrive for the gig. And then the day of the gig comes and I'm like, oh God. Yeah, it's kind of diabolical. It's diabolical. But you know what though? Every performer feels like that, I think. And if they don't feel like that once in a while, they're lying. Yeah, I mean... I do trust myself to get... Once it starts, I'm living. But like 3 p.m. when it's time to shave, sometimes it's like...

There was, we had this thing in jocks back in the day. This is of course, before any of us were famous or nobody, nobody liked us or wanted to see us, you know, they just wanted to have their bachelor party. But me and Chris Knievel, the show hosts would call it the 3 PM. And it was the three o'clock anxiety where you have like from three to four is when you really need to start thinking about getting in the shower and getting ready. And it was just this hour of like churning, like, and then for me, it was like, do I call out? Do I not call out? She didn't have that luxury, but it was like, it was just like,

And of course this is very different. I never wanted to do that show that much because then, you know, this is, it's funny how much like, you know, it was worse though. When you're in a tour where the show is the same every night, you don't think about the show during the day, but when you're a drag queen and you have to pick out your numbers, you're,

Through the day, you're like, should I do this? Yeah. No, I'm going to do this. Yeah. Or like my show. And then at 6 p.m., you're like, I'll finally burn my CD. Oh, my God. Wait, I had a nightmare the other night that I was hosting my old show and I didn't do the lineup and the Overshare started and I didn't collect anybody's CDs. I didn't write down the lineup. And it was like I was trying to communicate with the DJ moments before everybody was going on. It played out in real time. I woke up sweating. It was horrible. Horrible.

That's a very like real. Yeah. Have you had the, have you had the dreams on tour where you're late, where you, um, taken up and you, and you miss the show? You do you ever, have you done that? No.

I've had dreams that the show is starting and I have to like put on a lip and a lash and just hope for like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't, I don't have time to do anything but like a wig and I'm so humiliated. I also have a recurring dream that the stage is like a trampoline and every time I walk out there, I bounce high in the air and fall down. Oh, I love that. And then I'm like, no, wait, the show. Yeah.

And I'm like trying to stand up, but every time I touch my feet on the ground, I fly in the air. You can't do stand-up comedy. Because I'm flying through the air. I love it. I've also had dreams of – there's all performance-related things. You know what I mean? Everybody talks about the excitement of opening night. Oh, no. The real show is the second night. The real show is the 12th night. Sorry. Sorry.

It's the 12th. No, like once you get the first one out of the way and the second night you actually can focus and then you give your kind of good performance. The first night of every show, I swear to God, I black out until it's over. Yeah. Because when we did, when we did Romy and Michelle,

The first time I remember the curtain opened, whatever it was, you and I facing away from the audience, looking at a clothing rack. And I remember like seeing you on the peripherals and the lights came up and people were cheering because they're gay and we're gay. Then I think the first line is like,

It's like, when are we going to wear tonight? And I'm just like, do we run? Do we run off the stage? Do we get the fuck out of here? Every time a brand new show starts like that, beforehand, I'm always like,

vile to myself before curtain. I'm like, you fucking idiot. You're about to go out there. I'm going to do a show. Do you have the amount of the level of electricity in my gut that will be present during opening night edition? You have no idea. I will need a horse tranquilizer for lunch. Like I, it's going to be, and on one hand it's easier because we'll be together. No, like we can encounter, but on the other hand,

The stakes are higher because I can't go on my own journey. No, and I can't either. You can't go on your own journey. I can do that, which I've done that, and I can do that. And this is like, yeah. Yeah. The inner monologue I have before Curtain is always so mean to myself. Like, you're a fucking idiot. This is so stupid. You don't even know your fucking – you don't know your lyrics. They don't even like you.

Like it goes, it gets so dark. But thank God you have a partner who is always so reliable. So on top of it, always prepared. Always. I do. Who are they? You know what? I will say she's right there. No, because it's you, I will. That is not true. I will. Wait, what'd you say?

I almost just said, no, you've never let me down. That's not true. There's a documentary about that. No, there was, I remember the week of Romy and Michelle and it was like, and for Peaches shows, you have two days to learn. Cram. It's cramming. It's cramming. Yeah.

We're not going through that this time. No, my God. At least a good two and a half weeks. No, no, no. That's the thing about pizza shows, which is bittersweet. I loved when I did Spice Racks with her. I fucking loved that. We didn't have enough time. And then you only do it twice. It's a huge high. It's a static high. Yeah. It's so magical. You know what? If it makes you feel better, my mom, who's diabetic, who was here last week, was telling me that her doctor was happy that her A01C levels are better.

That doesn't make me happy. I want your mom dead. I know. Oh my God. Don't even get me started. When I got COVID and couldn't go to my own party, my mom goes, well, how long do I have to stay? And I said, oh, I'm sorry. Do you have other things going on? Holy shit. She's a hero. How long do I have to stay?

Oh my God. And then she goes, and then I wake up with COVID. I'm telling her, I'm like, Oh, what's going to happen at the party? She goes, well, I hate to tell you, but it's almost noon here and no one's fed me. So I need you to figure out. I'm like, so you want me to come to your room with COVID and give you food? God, Val. She is so funny. And then she goes, and I didn't have time to go to a Walgreens or nothing. So I didn't get to pick up any nails. Cause she does press on now. Yeah.

And then she brought makeup. We're going on camera. She brought a bag of makeup. And she's like, she's like, has all this makeup that all perfectly matches her that I gave her. And she's like, I don't know how to put any of it on. So I'm in full drag and I'm like trying to put makeup on her. And then they're putting a microphone on her. And I'm like, oh my God. And then we bring her in the motel. She's just like, I mean, it's, you've seen the motel. It's Florida ceiling face melting. She's like, wow. Stunning.

Like, she's just like, cool. Oh yeah. Just one floor. She's just like, Oh, okay. Like that's it. But she loved the Margaritaville. She loved the Margaritaville. My motel girl cares. What were we talking about? We were talking about mung diving. Oh no. Sorry, everybody. We're trying to figure out our new program that we use to, to record remotely. Although I don't understand why on tour when we're in the same building together every day, this is better.

Can I, wait, let me just interrupt you for a fashion moment. Okay, sure. So I, these slacks, okay? I did some slacks. I did this shiny fabric. And then, of course, I did a closure. So I did a zipper, flying zipper, zip them up. And then we're going to close it. And then we're going to snap it. Oops, let's just close it there. And then snap it. And then that's nice. Do you have a much skinnier front? Those are supposed to fit?

Are you going to use that as a hammock? No, it's forward thinking. You know, once my Weight Watchers are... We were talking about hating ourselves on touring. Are we talking about our shoes? We're talking about... Oh, it'll be a fun little... By the way, let's just tell everyone, due to the COVID thing...

You and I are bubble boy on this tour. Yeah. And we will not be able to go to restaurants, gyms, bars, you know? Yeah. We'll be on. If we go to Boston, our friends can't really Boston and Milwaukee. Our friends can't come backstage. I mean, it's, it's bubble boy. Oh my God. It's bubble boy.

Because friends and listeners at home, if one of us got COVID, which I guess won't be me now for a few months. Should I come over and kiss you? Can I kiss you? As long as we film it and put on the OF because you know the young girls will. I'll wear that mask and you wear the other one I got and we'll really get it popping. I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you now. I'm going to show you because it's worth it. Honey. So can you hear me?

Yes, do you remember when that person read erotic fanfiction? I sure fucking do, and I wish that hadn't happened, but you know what? That wish does not kill us, makes us stronger. No kink at pride, but go ahead and read porn to people against their will. And I know my skin's a little gray, but I feel like, I don't know, what do you think? The Vivian. What do you think?

The Vivian lipstick? Okay. I'm just going to do red. So... Oh my god! Roxanne. It also gives Roxanne. Roxanne's older brother, Rocky. It gives... Oh god. It gives so many people that we know. The color and the way it meets your eyes is a little... Oh, sorry. A little sunken. I got a long day. And I'm

Hard to tell where my lips start, but that's my nostril. There we go. Oh, yeah. And then I think I need a larger brush, honey. This is an Alexa Stone prosthetic. The cheek. You know, it's by Immortal Mask. These guys are great. Is it green? Are you colorblind, honey? This is tan. Yeah, no, it is kind of greenish.

Is it supposed to be human color? It kind of gives Michael Jackson thriller too with like the cheeks popping out. Or just Beverly Hills. Wow. Are you going to the Queerty Awards on March 1st? With this. I wish. I would if I wouldn't sweat off my body weight. Because like it's pretty cool in here. In a second I'll be like drenched. I need to lose weight before tour. Maybe I need to start wearing that full pussy suit. Did you see the picture of Jimbo in the pool with the straight people? No.

- Mary? - Gag. - It's so funny. - It's so good. - I wanna ask him, I don't have his phone number, I wanna talk to him though because I wanna see how much, like what his level of discomfort is in those suits because they're so prohibitively uncomfortable. Are you getting hard? Are you getting hard right now? - Hard of hearing. I'm kind of tuning this out. No, I think it's probably so uncomfortable but then you get a little drunk and it's fine.

That's tea. If you get a little drunk, I'm sure it's fine. That's a great point. I need to start drinking again. Because I remember back in the day, I won't say who it was, but it was one of our sisters. I remember she had this headpiece on and it was pinned to her head and it was so heavy that she did so much cocaine that the next day she had a big bald spot from all the hair ripping out and she didn't feel it because of drugs. That's drugs, honey. Thank God for drugs. Sally Jessie. You look like Baga. What?

I'm on the bus in the morning. I'm right. I'm right. I love it. Yeah. See, when people say no kink at Pride, this is what they're talking about. They don't want to see this. You look so crazy. I know. That one, though, is the ticket because it has that incredible neck and decolletage. And it's just, if Eden can't see, it's legitimately frightened by it. And I get it. It's scary. Yeah.

Well, does she fear? But I think she's just so young. She hasn't seen an old person in a long time. Yeah, it's pretty scary because when I put it on, I feel myself. Speaking of feeling ourselves, not to bring it back to tour, but it seems like that's what we're talking about. Do you realize that we're traveling with two tour buses and we each have our own bus? It feels a little decadent, but you know what? It's not when you consider all the airport shenanigans and the huge cast of people we're traveling.

When you consider the fact that we're probably traveling with 20 people, each bus with 10 people on it, it's not glam. Plus, I don't know about you, but oh my god. Ooh, I hate when it comes off. Ooh, it's weird. Ooh, I hated that sound. Yeah. Oh my god. That's my sleep paralysis demon. People love to say that on the internet. It's green. It is. It's a little... She's a little... She's a little sickly.

gangrene do you like prison shows no i hate i don't i know i can't watch prison so i don't like anything about prison real imagined or or you know i just no i think i like to watch prison shows but prison shows give me nightmares about being in prison of course imagine people who wake up being like their nightmares i just did another six months in state you know what i mean like every yeah every time i go to sleep i'm like i didn't

There was a quotation, I forget by whom, that was like, if you want to know the degree of civility or the degree of humanity of a civilization, visit their prison. I was like, damn, shit. Go to DragCon. No. No. Well, oh, I was going to say, the meet and greet. So because we have to do the boy in the bubble meet and greet stuff, I was like, okay.

Well, okay. When we do it together, it's tough. Any queen who does like a two or three person meet and greet, it's always a little awkward that you can't kind of control it. There's not a natural flow. I actually really enjoy doing meet and greets by myself because it's just another form of entertainment and it's fun. And people, you know, people say they love you and sometimes you get cool gifts and stuff. But the...

I'm just worried about that. Like the no touching. I love to touch people and hug them and like, I don't know. I am fine with it. No, I know. But I just want them to have something that they enjoy. You know, like the, I hope the photos, the photos I'm sure will be great, but like, I don't hate touching. I in drag, I just, I don't feel comfortable.

Oh, and you're not. You're not. I don't hate human contact. I just don't feel handleable. No, you're a sculpture. I'd actually rather just not be touched in drag. Yeah, it's like I'm a sculpture. I'm wet paint. Don't mess it up. Right. Like I get that. I'm a woman. I'm a girl. I'm just a regular girl. I'm Barbara, Cindy, Brady, or, you know, whatever. I'm Leslie. Barbara, Cindy, Brady, and Leslie from down the street. I love to touch people. It's going to be fine. Because I don't touch people in my regular life.

I don't, well, with this many dates and this big of venues and all these people who make money off us, if you got COVID and we had to shut down for a week and a half, we, the tour, the tour hemorrhages hundreds of thousands of dollars. Oh, I know. I'm not saying the money we take home. I'm saying like the great number of like, we lose so much money so fast if one of us is sick. I know it's, it's, it's a big, it's risky, risky business with Tom Cruise. Do you think we'll ever tour again after this? No.

I keep thinking it's the last hurrah, but then I think at the end of the tour, I'll be like, I'm sad it's over. I want, you know, I'm always like, oh God, here we go. The Bjork show made me want to go on tour. I mean, cause it was like, it was magic. It was live magic. And I was like, oh, you know, so it's like that reinvigorated me. But yeah, I don't know. I guess we'll find out. I mean, there's certain things that we do that I know I don't want to do again.

I just finished my second, my fourth, fifth record. I don't know. And every time I finish a record, I go, this is the last one. So I think maybe it's part of the creative process. It's like when you feel like you've completed a phrase, you're like, that's done. And also it's a huge luxury of an artistic life that has a very high degree of security and success.

You know, like when you're struggling with the anxiety of maybe this is the last one because no one will buy the next one. You know, like that. We're independent artists. There's no one covering for us. So if people, in fact, didn't buy tickets to this tour, we would lose a lot of money. Of course. Or we wouldn't have the tour. You know, that wouldn't happen. Yeah, that's true. It's a huge, huge luxury to be able to like, I think this might be the last one, not out of necessity or pride or whatever, you know, of just choice. It looks like my mouth is bleeding.

Maybe it is. Are you getting another fill? Are you getting another pump before tour? No, I've done. I'm done. Nobody's ever done though. No, no, I am swinging saloon door. No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm acutely aware of that fact. And I'm like, and I know as I say it, it's not a thing that people will believe, but my barometer is just my family. Um, when, when I see them go like that, I know I've crossed the bridge. Have they done that yet?

Not yet, but I've given them pause. Yeah. But they're the type of people that go, huh? Are you eating a sandwich? No, you're just sitting there. Are those two gummy worms? Yeah. Well, there is that lip that is, I think people know, where your real lip ends. And then when you turn, it's that gummy worm under the skin. The wet flesh underneath begins to dry out. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not there yet. That's a little crazy. Yeah.

At the end of this tour, I'm getting a lower facelift, a nose job, lipo, probably half my feet cut off, my fingers lengthened. I'm just like, I'm getting stuff done. I'm going to document it. I'm going to put it on my YouTube channel. I'm going to monetize the videos. It's a demo reno situation. I'm getting a self reno. Yeah. You're going to swan yourself. I just, so I met, oh, I went to Queen of the Universe season two. You're like, what?

you know when people are into fitness and they have those parachutes that they have a parachute running behind them are you serious you know when people go for runs with a parachute on their back so it like holds it like makes it hard it was like a joke no it was like a real thing i'm gonna have that but like connect the skin so i'm queen of the universe i will be like

I just so snatched up. I'll be like operated like a puppet. The four, you know, those star folding chairs that say Trixie's skin. Yes. They announced Queen of the Universe season two. Are you doing it? I don't know. I found out there's another season, but I haven't been asked. So I don't know. That doesn't bode well. I want to tell you about my party. Okay.

So I don't really go to parties because I like to stay home. But you do. You go out and you tippy-toe. You don't stay long. That's the ticket, mama. And let me tell you about the decisions I make at that party. And you don't even go inside. You smoke outside and you take one lap and leave. No.

Well, no, I expanded my repertoire at this party. So went early. This is the key. We went early. And one of my friends was the very first person admitted. I don't think that's a lot of people say, oh, that's uncool. I don't think that's uncool. I think that's fantastic.

So we got there really early. Lovely little party called Verse something. The people that do Aspon Hoff or whatever. I don't know. But gay, queer, not just a circuit party. It was like a cool, fun thing downtown. And then we get there. I'm wearing my... Did you go with like the porn people? I'm wearing my...

Yeah. I wear my friar tuck. Pete was there. I got my friar tuck and I got my little black eye and I made a, I made this cool little blouse and I was feeling myself and I'm jamming, bopping, getting it on. How was the music?

It was fun. It was good. It made me realize that one of the reasons I don't go out is because I listen to music that nobody plays anywhere and that I really love. If they had played a Euro-Russian song, like a danceable Russian song or something I knew, I would have jizzed. I would have told everybody. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, but they don't play that music very often. They play like really nasty, dark, like... Yeah, see, I love, I would love that. I gotta find that, I know there's some good Gotham industrial nights here, but I just don't know where they are. I went to some house, like some underground-y parties when I was in Berlin and I heard like... It was some of the first times I noticed I liked the house music. Yeah, there's some wet sludge. I was like, I like this stuff. Yeah, because it's visceral. And there was one moment where I was like, I was very close to speaker, the bass was rattling my old bones and I was like...

It was great. It was fun. But I noticed that people were really nice. People were really nice there. Like, and it was for the most part, I did a lot of observing and I was like, this is a really good vibe. Of course, many people are on drugs, but like it's, it was a good vibe. It was a really friendly, nice vibe.

No, no, no, not to me. And that's the other thing. Oh, they were mean to you. Many people didn't recognize me. They said, Katya? No. Yeah. A lot of people didn't recognize me and we chit-chatted as regular people, which I found extremely refreshing. They thought you were John Malkovich. I know. They say, there's this really friendly old bald AIDS patient smoking out there. You should go talk to him. No, but it was really a cute vibe. But I was so...

I was at the pre-party at Andrews. I met this guy that I didn't know and we were chatting all night and he was a fan, but chatting all night, super cute. And then I realized like an hour and a half into our like hanging out that I jerked off to him many, many times. Many, many, many times. We had different hair. Did you say anything?

I did. Yes. I, I certainly, cause he, we exchanged numbers or, um, and when he put his thing in, cause he gave me his not stage name. Right. And then he mentioned his name to somebody else. And I was like, and I was like, Oh my God. It was like a big aha moment. My Oprah aha moment. And I said, totally jerked off to you. No, I said, I was like, Oh my God. And we were at, I hadn't just met him. So we were very familiar. And I was like, Oh my God, I can't believe this.

I'm very familiar with all your videos. I've jerked off to you many times. I'm a big fan. That's what I said to Shirok when I met him. I was just like, I just said, I love your videos. Yeah. I love your videos is a very cute way of saying I jerk off to you. Well, because you're not studying them. You're not showing them to, you know, what are you doing when you're looking at porn? I'm also not watching the whole video. So I'm also like a liar. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, really? It's not a movie. I'm not like... Start to finish, no scrubbing. I said quietly. And I...

I there's a genre of pornography that I don't particularly partake in, but I know about through the grapevine. That is like medical pornography, medical examination, where so much of it is not naked and like real lead up. It's the lead up. It's like the how you've been sleeping, drinking water, drugs. It's like an actual exam. And then nothing. 20 minutes. Nobody gets jerked off.

Wait, what? No, like they get their dick touched and maybe like, it's like finger up the butt, but like, is that okay? It's like doing sex things, but in the guise of medicine, but everybody's earnestly doing medicine. And then no one comes and like, that's it. Are you sure that's not the Discovery Channel? No, people also watch like massage porn where it's an actual massage. No funny business. I'm just saying people have all different vibes, energies, colors, and experiences and journeys and desires. Ah! Ah!

But you know what? I love your videos. It's a great thing to say. Yeah. By the way, now that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is out, people don't seem to like it, but I thought it was good. Well, here's the thing. Here's the thing. I don't think it's good, but because Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I did a lot of research recently when I was up, I was watching clips. The original has never been, the success of the original was that it was so gritty and

um uh gruesome and and and like there was a quality to it that I feel like that people critics have said that has never really been reproduced um a grainy gritty like very just like uh I don't know how to describe they use better words than I can but this one is like I think that cancel the do something and cancel me on the bus thing that was a big flub

with the um the script remember that moment with the guy where he ripped everybody in the bus through periscope or whatever instagram i'm like can we just not remember periscope yeah i do yeah i sure do periscope was a flash in the pan yeah it was actually well because what who uh instagram just co-opted it instagram live came through and instagram live also came through with reels which is tiktok instagram doesn't give a fuck

No, that's Facebook. Facebook don't give a fuck. Can I say this too? I think that Instagram is a little homophobic, of course, because it's related to Facebook, which is absolutely homophobic. However, every time one of my gay friends is like, um,

This platform is homophobic. They blocked me for posting a picture. And I'm like, show me the picture. And it's literally everything but their intestines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, okay, but this is porn. This is, yeah. I mean, I love porn and I'm not offended by it, but you have to have known that this was dicey. Yeah. You'd be shocked by that. Yeah. Like I was just spreading my outer labia.

Yeah. And then I feel bad because some of them are go-go dancers and then they have to start their accounts from zero, which affects their money because some of them get booked based on their followers. I feel bad. But I'm like, you got to know that that was a little rolling the dice there when you were like, ah, fuck me, daddy. You know what I mean? When you set up your shop on somebody's lawn...

you know, exactly. They can kick you off, you know? So, God, you know what? Can I, can I just, I know we have to go, but can I tell you one thing that I did this week that I'm not saying I'm, I'm not even not proud of it. I'm actually ashamed that I'm not ashamed of it.

I was in bed. I've been in bed sick for, you know, six days and the walls are starting to sort of melt into the ghost of my past. And I just have to just do something. And I'm not like I'm sick of watching TV after about 40 episodes of Bar Rescue. I'm like, I need to switch it up. I saw the Caitlyn Jenner ad for Klaue Klaue.

Claw is a phone game where you have a live feed of a real claw machine and you control it with your phone and you can win real prizes. And when you win, they get shipped to your house. And I thought, I love claw machines. I love arcades in general. I love Dave and Buster's. I love winning prizes. Ski ball. Go on the ground. Work. But the Caitlyn Jenner ad was insane.

comedic because she's like i want to win prizes for my granddaughter or whatever and i'm like i don't believe it but whatever um so i download the app i decide to fuck around and find out i play a couple rounds do you know how much real money i spent in the claw game you have to spend money

Yeah, you have to buy coins like a real arcade to play because if you win the prizes, they get shipped to your house. Oh, duh. Right. Let me show you some of my prizes. I had a blast. Let me just say I had a really good time and I don't regret anything. Look at a bunch of my prizes. I won all of those in bed the other day. Are they stuffed animals? Yeah.

Yeah, they're stuffed animals. I'm going to ship them to my friends and family. I don't necessarily want them, but I had so much fun winning them. Okay, here's a fun clip of me. That's me playing from my phone. Watch me just go fucking win one of these toys. Boom. Get into that. And I won so many. I won so many. I'm not kidding. Eight hours went by.

i was like oh mary i believe it oh my god i believe it it's like where am i how much money did i i mean i i'm thrilled i had so much fun i had so much fun

But you know what, though? I love arcades. I'll go to Dave and Buster's and like, I don't know if you know this. Arcades are his. When? When I go on tour, I take Ubers to the suburbs and I go to the Dave and Buster's during the day by myself. Oh, that's weird. But arcades are a blast. I love arcades. They're a blast. There's way worse things to spend your money on. Games, enjoyment. Yeah.

whatever you always watch out the kids though watch out people get snatched the arcades because it's loud and you can you know people get snatched yeah perfect place nobody's gonna think i'm a kid no i'm just saying a kid if any kid is listening be careful oh because i'm in a snatch you know you know they're like oh i'm going to the arcade a parent thinks okay yeah sure whatever mama if i was into snatching kids the big game musters was my first beat girl i hate kids but if i had one

They would be... I'd be overprotective, I think. Yeah, I think you would. I'd be like, she's 16 years old and I'm driving the date. You know what I mean? I'd pick them up. I'd be her when she's on the date with them and the mom goes, you two fuck yet? You'd be in the backseat with the oxygen mask and the parrot and everything. 100%. I'd be the parrot on her shoulder. Yeah. Yeah.

You know what though? My kids would also be like, my kids would be on prep, on birth control. I don't live in illusion. Like I know you're having sex. Here are the tools. Unix. If you're going to drink, can you call me so I can give you a ride? Like I would be the cool mom.

Yeah, I'd be the church mom because my kid would be a eunuch. Testes are off, he's going in the choir, and he's going to sing that beautiful soprano. Oh, say can you see? I was watching that movie with Bane, Dark Knight Rises. What did you think of his voice? You do a very good impression of that. What did you think of that?

Were you gagged at the ending? Spoiler, Marion Cotillard is the enemy. I wasn't gagged because I was like, that's Joey King, who's a girl. Child actress is Joey King, who's from the act. Oh. So I was like, okay, I don't think that's Bane. I don't think this high budget movie would be like, ah, we'll just go with a girl. I think they'd probably get a boy to play the boy. I was gagged that that woman was

Part of the League of Shadows. Is that what it is? I also kind of feel like, is Batman a shithead for learning all this stuff from the League of Shadows and then fucking their shit up and leaving? That's what he does in the first movie. I think Batman is kind of... I'm not... I don't know. Rachel Holmes? Is that her name? Katie Holmes. Is then Maggie Gyllenhaal? Yes. And then in the third movie, that character's dead. Yes.

and they show a picture of her it's maggie gyllenhaal i'm like well you could even just pick another person who at this point who cares i think i think maggie gyllenhaal ate and katie holmes just nibbled i think they were both you know i think that was great i think maggie general did a great job i mean maggie gives it to you every ball your receive secretary yes she does she's a great actor she's a great actor did you see the lost daughter she just directed that i guess

No. Who do you think? Wait, have you watched any of the movies that are nominated for Academy Awards? No. Girl, I never liked those type of movies. I just watched Parasite like this. We cannot have this conversation. At the end of Parasite, this is literally what I did.

Because you are that. You're the one. You're the enemy. Because you are the enemy. That's why. You love it. Literally years after Parasite is the movie to see, I'm like, it takes COVID four years later for you to be like, I'm going to watch it. I thought it was going to be scary. So I was ready to watch a horror movie. And then nothing happened. It's called Parasite. On the cover, they're all like this.

It's a metaphor, Rose. Some parts of it did make me laugh for sure.

It was, I was, I saw it in the theater. I had no idea what it was about. I knew, I heard the buzz. I just went, I was riveted. I had no idea what was coming next. Everything was so surprising. I'll say that I didn't know what was coming next. It was riveting, devastating, thrilling, terrifying, funny. I mean, Mary, give it. Bong Joon-ho, nobody's doing it like him. Well, you know how some people are like, oh, I love bad movies, but they don't. They're just trying to be like, cool. I accidentally saw

see bad movies and I don't go, oh good, it's bad. I love it. I go, it's terrible. And I go, that was amazing. To me, whenever they're good or whenever they're really bad, my brain, I'm always like, that was so good. And then I'll go read a review of it. And it's like, this movie was universally panned in a box office flop. And I'm like, Jawbreaker has a 7% on Rotten Tomatoes. What? I watched that movie every time. Like,

I should watch it. Suicide Squad 1, I was like, this is great. And David was like, everyone hated that movie. I was like, they did? I didn't see it though. So I think some people are like, bad movies are fun because they're bad. I think they're good. I think that they're really good. And then if I go later... It's so great to be working with you in this show. But I used to be like, no, I just like different things. But now I'm like, I do like, I guess...

My taste level is actually bad for movies, I think. I used to be like a... When I was in college, I would always go to the independent theater with all the foreign movies. I never saw any blockbusters. I was a snob. Huge snob. And always very hoity-toity. Nowadays, I feel like my taste level is refined and I'm also... My attention span is...

very easily tested. So I'm quick to say that was fucking boring. Sorry about it. Boring. Because some of these movies really try it. They really try it. Miss Power of the Dog. Girl, it gets so long. And these directors, it gets so masturbatory where it's just long and dry. It turns into a French novel. Yes. No, it turns it. Yeah. And it was like, I'm like you. It's gorgeous. Like the Green Knight. I mean, every frame of the movie was stunning. Yeah.

Could it be printed out, put in the Louvre? Mary, that was 25 minutes too long. 25 minutes too long in that theater when I have to pee. Girl, House of fucking Gucci? Oh, that's trash. House of fucking Gucci? Girl, I had to watch that video. Trash should be 90 minutes. 90 minutes should be 90 minutes. David,

David's mom and sister live in this beautiful house here in Palm Springs. And we're going to go over for dinner. And of course I, you know, I'm a fat pig from hell. I go to, I embarrass myself eating there, eat them out of house at home. Every time I'm there, I have like four drinks before dinner, three plates of dinner, two desserts afterward. I'm like eating pops. I'm like, should we get postmates? I'm just a fat. And then, but then we go, we sit down and we filmed 12 hours that day. And David puts on house of Gucci and I go,

and we watch House of Gucci and I go this is fucking crazy I hated that movie I hated it I don't want to watch it I don't want to watch it I don't want to watch it is a shit I went into I went into it with such low expectations that I thought it'll surprise me I'm gonna have to eat shit and tell David I loved it and I was like yeah no no no I'm not gonna I can't say it sucks but yeah no I thought no sorry next

As Mario from Ristorante Italiano. But Ms. Litto brings it to you every ball. She brings her thing. Ms. Litto is not for me. She brings it to you. I think she brings it every ball. I think she brings a lot in her suitcase and it's nothing that I would buy. But I commend her on her efforts and her talent for sure. That movie Morbius, I shan't be watching. The vampire movie? I don't know what it is. I don't want it.

I think it's a vampire movie. Yeah, it's a Marvel-ish whatever. Yeah. Do you see The Eternals? Don't ever. That seems long. It's called The Eternals. It doesn't sound like I'm going to get out of there. It feels like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think we've said our piece. Hey!

By the time this comes out, I think we'll be a week out from tour. So please come see us. Oh my God. Please come see us. And if you can't, if you can't find tickets, there are two, we're really sorry. Like if you can't, sometimes you can't buy tickets. Don't get scalped. No, you know, don't pay $3,000 for a ticket. No, we should do like listening to Ali Wong's.

I was watching one of Ali Wong's specials the other day, and I think it was the second one, and she was talking about her rise to fame. And she was like, pretty soon I was on tour and people were scalping my tickets up to $1,000. And I went, we literally have $3,000 tickets. $3,000. And I hope no one buys it. And I hope that scalper has to eat them. Me too. It ain't that deep. Make the scalper lose the money. Don't come. When I see an empty seat in the front row, I'm going to be happy that the audience didn't buy it. Yeah. Fuck that person. And move someone up from the nosebleeds right there.

Yeah. Take a child away from their family, put them in the farm. And tape them there until after the show. They can't leave. All right. Well, thanks, y'all. Bye. Bye.

you