Taking an Octopus’ Agency with Patti Harrison & River Ramirez
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I'm kind of not the nicest person inherent. There is, I think I was like, you know, there's a little bit of a darkness. Yeah, well, I mean, when I said hello to you for the first time, you kicked me in the pussy. So that was a little, that was tough. I didn't see that happen once. I grabbed you by the pussy. Yeah, I grabbed everyone by the pussy. And then kick it. Yeah, and then I kick you. I'm like, yummy. And then I'm like, ah, ew, you bitch.

River Ramirez, everybody, and Patty Harrison. Oh, yeah. Yay!

Thank you for coming to do our second in-studio pod. We normally film at my house in my living room, so you guys got a much better experience than everyone else. Yeah, and that is a Laff-O-Meter. Oh, nice. And it just adds up the laughs. So keep buying, folks. Looks like we still have about 1,200 units left. Those are going like hotcakes. When I was a kid, I always wanted to be on home shopping. Oh, yeah, me too. I always thought it was so glam. What would you sell?

What would I sell? Yeah, what would you sell? It seemed like you were ready to... Well, I don't want to listen. Okay. I would sell... Well, I like it when they put on those shitty clothes and it looks good on everyone because it's big. And like all the women are like... It's always like a duster. A duster and that you're wearing as clothing. It's a duster like... Someone stuck all the way through your throat and you're like...

It's coming out of your ass. And look at how the duster just comes out of her ass. And the clothing colors too. It's like aubergine. It's like wine. It's like colors that work on everyone and no one. Yeah, my mom was really obsessed with Way East Cosmetics. Is that a pyramid scheme? No. Way East? Like W-E-I. That's her name is Way East. But I guess it's like Way East. Way East.

Oh no. Like how far east? Oh no! What did I say? Don't cancel me. I don't know what I was saying. When you say something cancelable in the studio, we just pull and the chair goes straight back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you have to eat your ass. The chair makes you eat your own ass. On camera. Crying.

- That's absolutely disgusting that that happens on your show. - The fact that you said that eating ass is disgusting is cancelable, so whoosh. - Oh!

Immediately like tantric orgasm from eating my own ass. At first you're like, I would never. And then instant like. Yeah, you didn't know. Oh my God, I would never. Cut to. I've been building a tantric orgasm for like three weeks. And then it come, all it took was my little tongue to like. The suggestion, just breathe on it. The suggestion. Tongue to ass.

Not Scooby-Doo. Tex Avery. Tex Avery! Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo ass-eating Taylor Swift. Do you remember Scooby-Doo when he eats his own ass? Yeah. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do. I was a big fan of Scooby-Doo. Is Scooby-Doo the one that solves the crimes?

With the people. The dog, the talking dog. The talking dog. Fred, Wilma. Yeah, and then it's like Shaggy. The stoner. Yeah, the dog who hooks up with the stoner. Shaggy and Scooby are fucking. Scooby-Doo are fucking. And that's like absolutely. And Scrappy. That's like known. Scrappy is Scooby's little cousin. Yeah. Who is a puppy, but also seems to be having sex. Seems to be having sex despite it all. And then Velma. Seems to be having sex. Velma's Les, right?

- Velma. - Velma's less icon. - No, Velma's a virgin. She doesn't know what's going on yet. - She's grave scoc and she can't get it. - I bet she's wetter dressed. - You bitch. - We're just calling everyone ugly bitch. - You ugly bitch. - Oh you horny bitch Scooby.

I can't see without my glasses. Don't put them on because you look in the mirror and you see it's your ugly bitch. Oh, these glasses? Velma speaks out after this, like writes an expose. Velma's probably less on Twitter. Patty and River have been really bad to me. Everyone on set always fingers me for no reason, but I'm all closed up, so nothing goes wrong.

Because I'm a cartoon. Do you hear this? They haven't drawn it yet. For years, I have been begging the EPs in the writer's room to draw me one. Please draw my pussy. To write it into the show. Draw me a pussy so that I can experience penetration for the first and last time. Petition.org. Please sign this petition so that Velma can get a pussy drawn for her. Can we do that? Can we actually have a petition? Yeah. They'll bring it up on the board soon. Oh, great. Let's do that. And then Daphne and Fred, they're fucking, right?

- Yes. - Yeah, they're like kind of the-- - They've been fucking on and off. - I thought they were brother and sister.

Wait what other have occurred to cowardly dog work we're in there who's fucking who's not mural and you sister fuck But what's not addressed is that they have no children and they're like pretty old. Yeah, and that's what's going on there What do you mean what's going on there? They're had a heterosexual married couple. They're like in there like late 60s, maybe early 70s. I

from what I can gauge about the way they're drawn. - Unless we don't know that it's like a trans couple or something. - That doesn't mean they can't have kids. - Why are you saying that? - Are you saying biologically? - And Muriel is a trans woman. - I didn't say that. - And Eustace is a trans man. - I didn't say that. - Well then what are they? - Well I was gonna say that Muriel could be a trans woman and then Eustace could be cis.

so they could just be being old together and never got around maybe they met later in life too and then they were like well I didn't freeze my egg they don't have eggs they have a farm they have eggs maybe their parts were all ripped out by the mafia yeah that could be and also it was a long time ago like that takes place in like Courage takes place in like

The 60s in the middle of nowhere? It doesn't take place in the 60s. Or in the 80s, the middle of nowhere? I don't think it takes place in the 80s. I thought it was contemporary. Have you ever seen Courage the Carlyle? I have. No, never once. It's really fierce. That is a good program. Is it real animals? It's a cartoon. It's a cartoon animal. It's a cartoon. It's about a dog who's really afraid of stuff and a bunch of paranormal stuff happens. And then he lives with an older woman named Muriel and then an older...

Who's really nice. Yeah, the woman's really nice and the man's really mean. Yeah. And the man's like, stupid dog. So that's why I'm like, he's cis. He's cis. He's aggro. Unless that he's like, like trans mask and just kind of like, you know, took in the toxic,

of masculinity. As like a costume. He might be like on his T-climb. Yeah. He's experiencing the surge. They could be shooting every day. He's like just shot T. Right. He gets that rush of like. That makes sense. The rage. Steal a dog. But he really means like my dad. You know like a subtext. Yeah. And Muriel's so gentle. I'm like it feels like you're like very enlightened. Like you don't seem like just a cis woman.

I don't think it's enlightenment though because I also I feel like it's like trauma I feel like she's been bludgeoned by trauma and she's completely conflict-averse, docile, compartmentalizing the way she dresses her body's covered head to toe but she also has control over like everything like people love her when she comes into a room she can take control everyone's trying to protect her why is everyone trying to protect Muriel?

And why is the dog named Courage? I bet she's trying to remind herself, like, I got to get out of this relationship. Yeah. This is just Lopez and enough. Yeah. That's what this is. Well, the way they animate the house, too, there's nothing for Miles either. Yeah, there's nothing. She has no support system. Yeah. It's scary. Sounds like a depressing cartoon. Like abusive, maybe. I also would say that I think Eustace queerbaits a little bit because he has all that fun.

filler in his shit. It's like, he's getting work done. He's queer. He's queer. Get out. He's queervating. He's like getting work done to like, like the way his face, his face doesn't actually do that. Every episode you can tell the cartoons are getting filler. Yeah. They're real. They're thread, there's like thread bruising on their temple. Oh, he's got the Demi Moore runway face, like the,

Oh God, she listens to the pod. We're getting a letter. Demi's going to write us a letter. She's going to write us a fucking letter. She listens to the pod? Yeah. She's a producer, actually. Demi Moore? Mm-hmm. Hello. Hello, Demi. In the Charlie's Angels full throttle movie where she does all those flips off of the building and she lands, she has the two guns. I think Demi Moore is so... Demi, if you're listening, I just think you're so hot.

She is. That's it. I remember that movie, the iconic scene of like she's talking to the Charlie box and the Charlie's like, you were a good angel. And she's like all teary eyed and she goes, no, I was great. And then she shoots it. And also the first time they see her, she's on the beach walking with the surfboard. Yeah. And she gets in the Ferrari Enzo. It's so hot. I don't remember that, but I remember her in Ghosts. How about G.I. Jane?

Don't remember her there. Oh, Shaved Head. Shaved Head. Yeah, Shaved Head. Oscar Bait. Shaved Head was good. Oscar Bait. Shaved Head snubbed. You know what? I don't know if this is really shitty to bring up. Do it. But I used to think. You're getting this right. Yeah. Okay. So this is. I'm just going to preface this by saying this is really shitty. So you can't cancel me for whatever I say. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm going to say it while I'm coming. And I'm crying like a baby when I come. That sucks. Okay. So the shitty thing that I want to say is that I remember being young and wanting to be an actor and stuff. And me and my brother would watch a lot of movies. And it seemed like to get an Oscar or to get recognized, you had to be like...

Like Gilbert Grave. Like I Am Sam. You had to play someone with like a developmental disability. Yeah. And I used to actually practice that. Well, I don't think that's on you. I think that that is. Do you have a monologue prepared that you could maybe, we could do something? Yeah, imagine. No, no. Damn. I'm like, yeah, I do. I'll do it when cameras are off. Improvise one. Your suggestion is tea. Tea kettle. Tea kettle.

- No. - No. - No. - Okay. I'm not doing anything. - Why don't you do that in your own podcast? - I'm not doing anything. - You know, I remember watching- - The face! The face! - This is for to get an Oscar. - Yeah. - Oh my God! - Yeah, panning.

Mama? That's it. That's it. Well, the mom's dead. Yeah. Mama? Yeah, and this is the end of the scene. She's on fire and gone. There's a car on fire. I lit my mom on fire and then I'm like, Mama?

- And then it's like close. - Yeah. - Yeah. - The Oscar goes to. - I'm filmed by Tom Ford. - The Oscar goes to the woman in the car. - Burning to death. It was a real woman, by the way, that we really burned. - And she's alive and she comes on stage. She's still smoking. - She's still screaming. She's like, "Ah!" She like runs up to get the trophy.

This is like... Smoking. It doesn't even make it to the end. She dies on stage after she gets there. And the music to play her off is Alicia Keys' That Girl's On Fire. That girl is...

Alicia Keys is there. Or maybe she does stop and goes, this award goes to all the cars who've been on fire who needed their story told. Toyota, Prius, all of you girls. I love you so much. Oh my God. And Born This Way is blasting. And then Lady Gaga's like, that's mine! I'm just so happy award shows are going to be back now that COVID's over. Yeah. I never have seen any of the movies and everybody wants to have the parties and I'm always like,

Who's winning? Like, I never watch any of that. You follow all that shit? No. No? No. Not into Oscar, Emmy? No. No, I always miss it. I always feel like I learn the day of that it's happening. And then I'm like, oh, it's today. And then I don't have cable TV, and I haven't really looked into streaming as much. I recently got accounts for streaming services so that I can watch TV. What'd you get? Very rich.

Paramount Plus. I got Oil Reserve TV. It just streams of all the drilling sites. Yeah. The fracking sites. Exxon. Yeah, Exxon Plus. I did watch this. I watched this documentary that I can't even remember who it was about, but it was about a marine biologist and the first, like a pioneering female biologist

Marine biologist? Was it my octopus teacher? No. I was just going to say the guy that fucked the octopus? No. No, but I loved that movie. Do you think he fucked it? Oh, yeah. Of course he did. He fucked it. Oh, yeah. And it destroyed a family. It's like it wouldn't be on you. Nobody fucks an octopus. Mama, he fucked that octopus.

- And his wife and his son don't do interviews, right? His wife's nowhere to be seen. - I didn't even know he, I thought he was single. - No, at the end. - At the end. - But he was there every day? - He strained his relationship with his family. Basically, ignored everybody. It was like an absent dad in the water at six in the morning in a wetsuit fucking that octopus. - He's really fucking an octopus? - Well, yes, absolutely.

- Well, knowing men. - Listen, the way he talked about this. - Anything with a hole. - No, no, no, not the hole. He just jerked himself off with it. - What do you say about an octopus? - You think so? - Yeah. - My first thought was just like a hole. - Does an octopus have a hole? - No, don't take it's agency. - I'm not taking anybody's agency. - You took, yeah, you did. - Whose? - You took the octopus's agency. You said that he jerked off with it. Like it's not voluntarily sucking him.

- No, I mean, I have heard that sea animals are like really into fucking humans and like seducing them. Especially like dolphins. - It's not all sea animals. - Yeah, goldfish. - Goldfish. - Plankton. - Plankton, algae. - Plankton gets in there whether you like it or not and there's no consent dynamic there. - I would say the most, what is plankton?

- It's like bacteria, not bacteria. - I thought the sea sponge is victimless crime. Victimless crime. - Yeah, no, they're like horny. Have you ever been to the ocean? - Well she asked, I was swimming, I was diving and you can't really hear much down there, but I heard like a really high like,

I looked over and... Sonically, it's picked up. Like, scientists are like, can we just clear that up? They were in the sub and they were like, everywhere, that thing in movies where they get their headphones and put them on. Yeah, they're like, can we just clear it up? And I looked over and I saw a clamshell. I was like... It was, like, whining like that. Oh, my God. It was, like, corrosive. It was, like... It's been so long. Wow.

And I was like, all right. So, I mean, I was already naked. I was, you know, you scuba dive naked. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just funny. Well, it's your oxygen tube. You're like. Right. It's in your foreskin. You like keep a bubble. I didn't have quite a scuba. I had the Dyson. I had the. Oh, yeah. It looked like a scoop. You know, I had that hooked up to my mouth. You had a vacuum hooked up to your mouth, but it's dirty, so it's just blowing in the dirt. It's actually killing me. Yeah. You're like, what in the ocean naked? It's just killing me.

All right, let's take a break. Let's take a break. The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Of a woman's smile. You guys don't do that podcast anymore. We haven't done it in years. Well, guess what? The fans need it. Yeah, I think you need to do it again. To live. We've been like... We want to. We've been wanting to, and then we've like kind of worked on mapping it out or where it would go. I think we need help. Yeah. Yeah, because we love working together, but I also feel like we're both kind of like scatterbrained.

We're both scatterbrained. When we were making A Woman's Smile, we lived like 10 minutes away from each other in Brooklyn, like a train, a short train ride away. And even that was a commute. Yeah. And I think like now that I live in the West Coast and they're East Coast, it's like it's trying to find the time has been like weird. And then we like left our production company and then it was just kind of like...

It's been, we want to. Yeah, we want to. It's still there. It's still there. I really want you to do it. We just need someone who can organize it all. Like a producer, basically. How did that, so how did that happen? Like, how did it work? It was just for fun. I mean, that's the thing that is also hard to,

It's like when people like it, people are like, we need it, whatever. We haven't made any money from it. And it's so funny. Well, that's what I was going to ask you about, because all those fake ads are so fucking funny. But they don't produce any revenue. No. You can't just say an ad and the money shows up. There has to be real confidence. We did have ads later. Later, but we got, I think what we got was,

No cash for the food swine. I got a offer to, no, I got a free box of food from like Hello Fresh. But I had it sent to someone else because I wasn't in New York then. And then I think I got sent a very small paycheck at one time. But it is like, I think the ads were the, it's weird because I've gone back and like listened to like,

like some of the episodes and uh they still make me laugh now there's real ads interspersed with our fake ads oh that's wait for real yeah wait if you listen to it on Spotify oh I never listen to it on Spotify yeah I don't I'm like I feel like we kind of like just well doesn't Spotify have ads unless you have an account so like oh

No, I have premium. I have the Spotify. Weird. I pay for it. So then that means. No TV though. I have a TV, but it's filled with oil. Okay. Like natural resources. Like the natural resource of oil. I don't know if you saw the footage, but the last of us, I was out there with those birds. I was like getting it. Whenever I go back. Putting hyaluronic acid around my skin and then taking the oil and like rubbing it in.

And they're like, remember, oil doesn't moisturize, but it can help lock in the moisture. So you have to get wet first. One of those ducks, like those duck commercials with the dawn and there'll be you watching a TV, like trying to rest from the oil. Dying ducks around the TV. And you're watching the TV and coming and coming. And the ducks are like, why would I do something like that?

From washing a TV in the water. What is wrong with you? Because you're nasty. Everybody knows you're nasty, girl. No, I never sucked no one. I never fucked no one. Everybody knows that you've been sucking off all the shit every time you go out. Sucking off all the shit? I see you. I just suck anything I find until I see it come out. I invited you over the other day and then I see you on a stoplight sucking on a stoplight. Yeah, because I thought it was somebody. I thought it was somebody. It ain't somebody.

That's just a stoplight. I saw you sucking a stoplight. I saw you sucking on a baby's head, bitch. Girl, girl, I saw you. It becomes sexy. Girl, I saw you sucking on a stoplight. I started rapping. Sucking on a stoplight. It ain't right, but still, I think that you are tight. Hey, girl, I want to get with you. I need you to suck me too.

I hope I made my soulmate through this. It could happen. So, who's single? Who's dating who? I'm so single. Are you? Yeah. Are you looking for love? You found it.

The front tooth comes out. My whole front face comes out. The little alien from Men in Black. By the way, if they made that a Starburst commercial, I think they'd actually sell more of them. Yeah. Like those Herbal Essences commercials? What would your dream commercial be?

Any product. Anything. Any product? Any product that exists. Yeah, something you actually like. Or anything. Oh, and I had to, like, be in this. You were the star of the commercial. You were the progressive, like, flow of that product. The face of the campaign. Or you. What do you think? I have to. Patty first. Yeah. I think it would be, like. More oil. Swiffer wet gel. I think it would be for medicine. Oh, what kind?

Any medicine. I think medicine as far as the invention. Medicine, though. It's serious. No, no, no. Hear me out. You're laughing. Stop. Okay, I'm not going to. I'm close to not talking anymore because I don't feel like you're taking me seriously. I think medicine has helped a lot of people. And I'm appreciative of that. And I think God has a lot to do with that. But I'm not going to go there right now because I don't feel that vibe from you. But yeah.

but I feel like you'd laugh more. But yeah, maybe a medicine. Maybe like, I think Zyrtec has helped me a lot. I think... I'm supporting you, Patty. I'm over here. Well, Katherine Heigl did the NyQuil commercial, I think. And in it, she goes like this. She's like... And she's like trying to sleep. She can't sleep. And she's like...

Instant. She messes up. Instant. She's driving like a blow dart to the neck. She's gassing it. She's driving towards the school. Yeah, it's a commercial of her crying. Of her crying, driving, taking NyQuil by the gallon. Well, right before the car hits the building, she...

She goes to sleep. She goes to sleep. And when you go that limp, your body can actually absorb more shock. So she flies through the windshield. That kills a lot of the people in the school. We're not saying what kind of school because you don't know how old anyone in the school is. But there are a lot of casualties. But she lives because her body was limp.

it's like you know when people get sucked up in tornadoes and they pass out don't fight it yeah go limp go limp they say that if you're trying to pick you up play dead whoa i didn't know we were eating oh yeah what about that should be for the cam under the counter do we talk about this is it could it be possible to do a youtube channel where you are

You are definitely masturbating, but not like, not like, but you're doing a review of makeup or whatever. You have a, you know, you have like a shtick, but people are really tuning in because you are fucking jerking it. But maybe not jerking it because you know what? I'm going to be very vulnerable here, but I don't know. I don't know if you all do this, but when I'm alone in my room doing anything, I have my hand on my body.

And I'm like this and I'm and I'm also like typing things. Okay, there's no I'm not Masturbating get sure my hand is just well. I'm stimulating It's just like just pulling or it or no. It's just like oh yeah. It's just resting just got good resting Yeah, well I feel like if someone did something that was like I

I feel like that's subtle enough that, like, your videos wouldn't get flagged. But if you wanted to make a video where you were doing, like, a makeup tutorial or you were doing, like, a haul video and you were, like, pulling stuff out of the bag and your other hand was just kind of doing this. And I don't know. It depends on how high the table is, but I don't know if that's readable. But what I'm doing is I'm doing this. No, but you'd have a camera under the table. Well, yeah. And then there'd be certain... I think that'd be cool. There'd be certain, like, buzzwords for people who are really subscribed. You know, like...

- Today, today I got a Nivea pore corrector. So this will sh- - Yeah. - And then at the end you pull out the right hand and it's just dripping wet. - And it's like there's shit. - There's shit in it. - There's what? - There's shit and blood. - There's shit and blood. - And then like a ton of oil. - Or like tarred and feathered. - Like oils. - Tarred and feathered. - Natural oil. - Oh my god. - What's with you and are you into fracking now? - And so what if that's true?

And so what if that is true? That's bad. Her maiden name, Exxon. Yeah. Exxon Fracker. Last name, first name Exxon, last name, wait, what is it? Last name ever, first name greatest.

I was going to say last name. First name Exxon, last name mobile. Well, there's a channel. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Hollywood's been back to you. Come back to New York. Oh, my God. We need you. You should see the lower part of my chassis. It's all wrecked up. Collapsed. What? Wood chips. Wood chips? Hollywood's made me do awful things.

I know, girl. I don't know who I am. No, you're like forcing yourself on the cast director. Like, you got the role already. You're like, we have to do this. Yeah. Like, please suck on me. We have to. And I'm like taking their clipboard and I'm like. You weren't even called in for this. Yeah, it was like a production I drove by. Do you need me? We're not casting for anything. We're looking for a sound person. You're like. Yeah.

Like pressing my tits on the ground. Like putting your fingers through your eyes. And like your eyeballs are going all the way. Like they're seeing...

Yes, but then Beetlejuice, she pulls the hands out and the fingers are on them. The eyes are on the fingers. And she says, I don't know. And you do a little Charlie Chaplin tap dance. Doing that sound. You bring your own clear pane of glass and then top off and you press up against that. You're holding the glass too. Because they don't have windows. You open all your holes so they're like flat like this. Like somehow your pelvis, it's like flat and then you...

on a screen. So it's like when, and I don't want to be a broken record, but it's like when an octopus latches onto a glass and you can see the mouth sphincter attached and then you see the little beak come out. Because they have agency.

Yeah. You know what I remember when we were talking about the octopus thing? I'm like, I know for a fact guys who live on farms fuck pigs and like guys fuck the farm animals. Yeah.

Well, they also get fucked. What were the farm animals wearing? Were they drinking? They were naked. Yeah, and they were probably wearing mini skirts and drinking. And they were drinking, yeah. Wearing these, you know, come fuck me. Yeah. Outfits made of mud. Come fuck me hooves. Yeah. Like painted nails. Imagine you go to a farm and you're like, yeah, right. That pig is a slut. Imagine you're like, what horrible assholes would like fuck a pig? You're like, fuck a cow. You go to a farm, you're like, oh my God.

They're standing up straight. Oh my God. They're like, hey girls. Hey girls. Why don't you come up and see me sometime? And one pig comes over. There's a pig that comes over and has like really long, beautiful center parted hair. And she's like, abs. I've heard what you said that like, why would anybody fuck a pig? And I just want to like, cause it's like a Gen Z pig. So it's like gorgeous, but it's like reading all the time. And it's like, why can't I be both? Why can't I be both? Why can't I be both?

They're all wearing shirts that say, "Why can't I be a cow?" So you think cows don't read because we're fucking cows? She's like, "Did you ever think that the cow was fucking the farmhand and not the other way around?" And then like all the cows come, they're like, "Yeah, yeah." Why can't I get some? What, because I'm older? Older cows, just what, we get put out to pasture? They have like stunning hair, like they just, like hair like this. Well, that's a cow. Yeah. That's a cow. Yeah. They look like that. Can I ask? Can I ask something? What?

What were you saying into the cup? Well, it's kind of, it's kind of, the thing doesn't work because if the string is not taught, then it doesn't. So were you unable to hear it?

She was actually whispering, if you can believe it. Yeah. I was waiting for the oil to spill out of my throat into the cup so that I could just give it to her. Oil? For your car? Television. And you know, like, booty bumps, I was kind of trying in the ear. Like, I had a shot of Sky Vodka and I was like, let's get vodka. Wait, a booty bump? Well, you, like, soak the tampon in the alcohol. No, oh.

You put in your ear the butt chug? Like a boot chug? A boot chug? A butt chug. A boot chug? I'm Scottish. It's a boot chug. It's a boot chug. My wife Fiona. Thank you for being here at the World of the Beautiful. Come on down for a butt chug.

Wow. I get killed by an Irish person outside. Just completely like, that's not what we sound like. Oh no! But then, you like it. Yeah. Yeah, that photo was taken a long time ago and not for this podcast. But you know what? We're getting some miles out of it. I will say up close,

This texture is a little the textures happening. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I had to recently to do like a very like high def up close just think of like lipstick of my face I freshly shaved and put the makeup on it was hammer time. Yeah hammer time. It looked like cobblestone like cobblestone in New England. Beautiful. No. No. Like you know those pebble walkways. Yeah I love that. But on the face. On the face.

I get that. It's normal. Yeah. I look like that. I mean it. I get that. I mean, with heavy makeup. No, like. I don't. I try not to, but heavy makeup always does that. Yeah. I think it just depends because it's like, it's like, I feel like there's this weird, I don't know what the shave dynamic is, but it's like sometimes when the hair is like growing after you shave it and it creates the raised, it's like before it breaks through, I guess. The skin, it like creates a bump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and when you're shaving, your hair is like.

Okay, you won the battle but not the war. I'll see you in four hours, babe. Four fucking hours. I'm still growing. Four fucking hours. I'll see you later. Four fucking hours. It's horrible. And I have a lumberjack beard. Like, it gets to be, it's so... What is the longest you've ever grown? To a, like, Unabomber? No, not a Unabomber. Like, probably two... It was, like, big. Like, too big. Oh, wow. Gross. It wasn't that bad. It was after you came back from the woods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I looked like... You were in the woods? I was in the woods. Yeah, you know.

And it was like, it was so gross. Like underneath is its own ecosystem. Like the, you know, like the, you know how they say like the forest floor is like dense with all kinds of species and stuff. Oh right, it's like different levels. Yeah, like nutrients and stuff. This was like the forest floor. Underneath was all this hidden dead skin chunks of like so disgusting. You think it's hidden? No, it was hidden.

Well, it's like, how do you get, how do you get like soap and like moisturizer if it's like thick? Well, you have to, it's like another. You gotta really go in there. No, there's like all these products that are like made for the head on your face or the hair on your face. I don't like that. Well, the skin on your face. And we just sit in that for a while. You just say, I don't like that. Well, men's scalps are like twice as thick as women's scalps. And the skin on your face is like half as thick of skin as the rest of your body. That's why your body skin looks like clean and your face skin will have like veins and stuff.

So you have to use different products because your scalp can handle like soap. Your face can. It's the first time I'm hearing that. I'm crying. Oh, no. Yeah. It was meltdown. Chunks. I'm telling you. Chunks. Well, hey, that's what's great about. And it smells.

No. What were you doing? Why? I just didn't do anything. Nothing. I just, well, there's food in there, but you get that out. And like, but like, so if you wanted to, so the point is like when I went to shave my face for the first time smooth, it was several steps because first it was hacking the brush and then it was contending with all of this like zombified putrid. It looked good though. It looked good. I mean like a certain, at a certain length of beard.

It looks like I'm going to look up a picture. It's going to look very moisturized and like amazing. Oh, no, no, no, no. Plus, you know, gay men, you can be like fucking gross. And if you get a beard, people are like, hey. Yeah. Hey, what's up? You could be missing this part of your face. If there's some hair. Yeah. Why is that? Mustaches. I don't know why. For if what do you mean? Like people having them? Yeah. In general, I think people can like, am I attracted to that? Or if.

I think facial hair is attractive. But mustaches in particular? No. Or against? It really depends. I think it depends. There are people that... It's like if they get to like...

like steampunky with it. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyone else, it's attached to like a Ren Faire person. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's a costume piece. Yeah. But if you say there's a man you find attractive. Okay, so what I will say is I haven't really ever found Stanley Tucci that attractive until he played...

the pedophile murder in Lovely Bones and he had like the insane mustache. Okay. It was a handlebar? It's like, it's like kind of, yeah. Okay. Lovely Bones, great drag name. Yeah. I gotta watch that. The Lovely Bones. Wow. Pedophile, wait, where is he? He's the killer in the movie. And also a pedophile. But they like kind of gave him like, I think it's like a, it takes place at a certain time, but they dress him in a way that kind of like all guys with kind of good style dress him.

Hmm. It's like very, they like, the wardrobe person like, they made him look like, they made him too stylish. Like a hamster. They turned him out. I think he looks, he kind of looks attractive to me. So you're willing to overdo it? Not his actions, but the way that he carries himself and his swagger and his confidence. He's got that pedo swagger. Right. Well, aren't a lot of murderers traditionally like,

They have to have some kind of charm to draw people in, right? Because they're like imitating. You can't come at them like me. You need to be like, what's his name? Ted Bundy. It's part of why he's so deadly is because he was like charming, right? Oh yeah, and the guy in P.S. He needs some help loading that couch into his van. Yes. Buffalo Bill. He faked a limp. He was a model. He was gorgeous.

He walked for Houston. No mustache. I've been listening to Goodbye Horses a lot. There's like a demo version of it. It's an amazing song. It's a great song. You know, I've been thinking about murderers just because I used to be very obsessed with them. And I was thinking about Jeffrey Dahmer and how Jeffrey Dahmer killed like gay men, but he was gay. And then I was thinking of the guys who killed women and like did stuff with their bodies. And I'm like...

was it repression like that caused that and like will crimes like that happen again now that we're moving towards like people being more openly themselves like I'm like what if I'm like what if there was a Ted Bundy now or like a Dahmer now you know well it was all from like isolation repression like war time like I don't know Dahmer was at Vietnam

Oh, makes sense. They did horrible things in Vietnam. Yeah, that's not true. Oh, he wasn't in there? No, I'm sure that is true that they did horrible things. He wasn't at Vietnam. Okay, I'm like, I thought... She said they did bad things. I said, no, they didn't. But you know... They did everything just right. Okay, wait. They gave them acrylics. They gave them pedicures. There's pictures of people at Vietnam. Right in Vietnam. I just want to say that if the Vietnam War, and it is a war, it's not a conflict. If the war had not happened, I would not be here. Oh, interesting.

I have a really horrible actually anecdote about Richard Ramirez, who was the Night Stalker. Hot. Who everyone thought was so hot. The most horrible crimes, I would say. You don't think he's hot. No, I do not think he's hot. That's good. Because he was a fucking dickhead. He was really bad. That has nothing to do with him being hot. But he also had love. You know what? I really hate that they all had love after they got imprisoned.

Like, they had, like, big loves. Oh, the women start writing to them. I was like... Yeah, he got married in prison, I think. Oh, yeah, the women are like, I saw you on the news. Yeah, I was like, no. No, no, no. I think you're just misunderstood. I'm like, that sucks. No, you're a dickhead. Yeah. You're a piece of shit. Makes me so mad. It makes me mad there's all these Netflix doctors. I don't see that. Okay, wait, wait, wait. I have a horrible story to make you hate him more. So, he... So, okay, I feel...

His story was like he was in foster homes. He was like abused in foster homes. He was living on the street. But also his uncle, apparently his uncle showed him pictures of what he did to women while he was in Vietnam. He was in the war and he would basically kill women.

kill and torture women, took pictures of that, brought them back, showed them to... So that was like the first example of like, this is how, this is what you do. Or like, haha, this is funny when somebody, you feel somebody is below you. And also at the same time, like the atrocities like Americans were doing in Vietnam just for fun, which is extremely sick. Well, I would like to also, I would like to bring it back to the point that if his uncle didn't do that, I would not be here.

No, wait. That doesn't make any sense. It makes absolute sense. That part doesn't make sense. Because you have nothing to do with Richard Ramirez. You don't know anything about me. She brought her 23andMe and we will go through it on the break.

- Here is my little brother. And it's this baby that has his head. - Oh my God. - What do you think about it? You pull it out of your... - Here's my baby brother. I'm like the first, I have the first like working uterus transplant. - But only produces serial killers. - Yeah. - Yeah. - With crazy Stewie from Family Guy proportions. - But very hot. - It's like a 3D printer is in there. - Yeah. And they're like, no, you can, it's real.

Well, I will say, like, I think now that there's all this, I think there's a lot of romanticization, like, of, like, the interest in true crime and stuff and, like, especially, like, hot killers. But I think, like, what's interesting to me is the, is, like...

How do you reform? Because it's like no one is making those choices because they're like in a good place. It's like, it's like their lives are so fucked up. It's like all these people do this shit. They're all fucked up and they all have like crazy trauma like that uncle shit. And it's like they're just not at a place where they're like,

It's like they had no chance in this way where it's like, oh, it's just made this person who's like completely untethered to... Disconnected from like humanity, like what they're a part of, where they're like, I'm going to pray on you. Yeah. Which is like crazy. But I mean, some people... There's got to be people who have great parents and a great support system who still turn out awful. The same way you can grow up with a bad situation and grow up fine. But I think it's like... I think it's...

It's also about environment too. Yeah. And like, I think there's that in it and you know, people can debate the ethics of it, but there's that like HBO documentary from, I think the nineties, the child, child of rage about that girl, the girl who was like, it's like this little girl and her brother, her baby brother. I think she's like,

And again, don't quote me on it. It's all paraphrased because I haven't watched it for years. But it's about like, it's about this little girl who's like, I think it starts following her when she's like six or seven maybe. But these people adopt her and her infant brother. And I think she's like three at the time when they adopt her.

But the girl, basically, you find out she's doing all this horrible shit. She's, like, putting needles in the cat. She's trying to kill her baby brother. She's killing baby birds. And they're like, uh-oh, like, she... We don't know what's up with her. And then they take her to a therapist. And this is where it's kind of problematic because, like, they say at that age, people can... You can, like, implant. If you, like...

ask too many leading questions like did someone hurt you then it can like kind of implant like a false memory whatever but what they gathered is that like their her birth father was like molesting her as a baby and like abuse like when they found the baby brother his head was flat because he had been laying they were they were like not being fed they were pooping like they had they were pooping they were pooping on the ground and they weren't he was the father wasn't affectionate with them at all so like shh

the daughter had been had had a lack of affection for long enough and like a lack like that yeah basically well it's like basically she has like she's a lizard brain mode she has no conscience yeah and it's that sucks yeah and it's like the documentary is about them basically putting her in this really rigid therapy program where she like build they build a conscience for her and it's like they interview her and she's talking about like

Mom and dad have to rope the door shut at night because I want to kill them with a knife in the dark. I want to do it at night. But we only saw, I feel like when that came out, everyone was like, see, you can be born as a murderer. Like you can be born as a killer. And that was like proof.

No, I don't. That's not what I think it's proof proving that like, no, when that came out before the documentary about it, like just the clip of the girl, like because they didn't know that she got molested before. Oh, you think the documentary that's newer information that it's in the document in Child of Rage? They talk about it.

But about a man entering like she draws pictures of like a man entering her room at night and they gather that the father. Yeah, I don't know about the documentary, but I remember that is a documentary new. No, it's from it's like an HBO documentary from like the 90s. You can watch it on YouTube. It's like a half hour long work. Have you guys seen the documentary about the people obsessed with Tiffany?

- Tiffany? - Oh, I-- - Tiffany Trump? - The singer? - No, no, no, the singer. - No, it's called "I Think We're Alone Now." And it's a documentary, it's an hour on YouTube. It's like old, somebody put it up there. But it's following like four people who are obsessed with Tiffany, like "I Think We're Alone Now," the teenage '80s mall singing girl. And it's like grown adult people who like psychologically believe that they are best friends with Tiffany

like follow her. Oh, I hate this. Some of them have like, some of them have like frustrating words. It's like, because they're like, she means so much to me, but it's like at a certain point, it's hard to mean too much. And then it's like, I hate that shit. It's fierce. I've only, I'm only recently getting that from strangers, people who feel a connection.

in a how do they let you know in like from fans yeah but but in in that in that pros those ways is very sad it makes me sad yeah because i'm like i would like to connect with you genuinely but you're scaring me yeah i mean there was this one guy in the documentary who goes i'm sick and tired of being kicked out of tiffany's life when i'm supposed to be in it it's like so chilling yeah i love it like the disconnect from

from yeah the reality of it we were talking about like

I think because, and I'm sure you deal with this too, the way that our sense of humor in our comedy are like, it's like hypersexual, very graphic. So people that follow us will come up to us and say really hypersexual stuff. I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I have no idea what you're talking about. In a way, that's like very, it's like boundary crossing when it's like a, where I haven't even,

I don't even have the context that I know this person likes my comedy. I've never seen in my life. People will just come up and they'll just say something really nasty. And I'm like, that's, it's scary. It's like, oh no, you're a stranger to me. And it's just like, oh, I have this, we have this closeness. And I think that's kind of what

social media does is like makes people feel like they're just like a touch away from you and they're getting more of your personal life. So they feel like they know you better. But it is very like scary. It's also like boundaries. Have you ever heard of boundaries? Like these people? Some of these folks have not, especially when they when I was rushed in an airport shop and so it was cried at for like 10 minutes. That's hard. People cry at us.

I was charged. I was charged. Why? Like laying stuff on you? Like therapy? We have meeting rates like on tour. It's like you're in their care. Yeah, I was like, I'm not a mental health professional. They're in your care. I am the crazy person.

You back away. You know what I mean? Yeah. So strange. I'm like, I need to be taken care of. Yeah. I need guidance. People cry from the excitement, which is something, but a lot of times for us, it's like cathartic or something with their trauma. They see in our trauma and they connect it kind of without our permission. But also in person, that floodgates just.

- But if this, I'm talking like off duty, out of drag, not at a gig, no excitement, you know what I mean? Like, I'm like, this is like, I'm at a Burger King and somebody taps you on the, and then, you know, - And they're crying? - Yeah, it's so fascinating to me. - It's such a thin, it's like you are now like, you have to kind of like, I guess it's like a very thin line of, if you actually communicated what you feel in that moment, you risk being like,

shattering them. I met them and they were fucking awful. Even though I was like pushing my way into their car. She dragged me down the block for three miles. Yeah. You know, it's crazy. I saw on your Instagram story that you were at the Neiman Marcus. So I have, I drove, I jumped the median and drove down the highway. I divorced my husband just to come here. Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Yeah. It's crazy because it's like, oh,

This is also like, oh, you think you're showing me love this way? It's like, no, actually, really think about it. It's like, please show me love and care as you would someone you actually love. And it's like, is this how you're treating people you love? Because that's not good. I know. If I saw Julia Roberts at the Sparrows or whatever in the mall. God forbid. God forbid.

- Well, she works there. - I would. - She's a shift. - And she's having a hard time. - She's a shift lead to be fair. - And she's listening to this. She's like, I actually like it when people come up to me 'cause it makes me feel alive and like I wanna live.

She's like I haven't been called that in years. Yeah, I say Julia Roberts. Yeah, I'm like Tony here She looks beautiful she hasn't she has an accent to them. Okay, I'm coming. Oh god. It's so hard to undercover Julia Roberts with a mustache of Tony

You want the calzone? Big mistake. Huge. Oh my god. She's like, she's like wrestling with the pizza and then like her pills fall out and her testosterone like needle and she's like and then the boss is like Her testosterone needle! What's going on with you, Tony? It's like a movie that testosterone needle falls down prick first in the floor like bang!

- And it injects it into the floor and then the floor is like, "I'm not working here." - Or better yet, they're fighting over it and it gets thrown and it hits Britney in the neck and just instant beard, full beard. - Britney? - Another employee. She's not the only person who works there. - We said free Britney earlier and I didn't know if you were. - Oh, maybe she's escaped to the Sbarro. - Maybe she also works at the Sbarro. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - I just joined in. Yeah. - Listen, if Julia works there, Britney could work there. - Right, right, right, right. - It could happen.

Who else works there? Neil Patrick Harris is the shift manager on the weekends. As Shayla. Neil Patrick Harris as Shayla. Julia Roberts as Tony. Britney Spears as...

Mauricio. Mauricio. And Tony Danza. No, wait, what's his name? Antonio Banderas. Tony Danza. And Tony and Ted. Ted Danson is the delivery driver. And Ted Danson in blackface like he did in that photo that everyone can look up. Oh, God. Have you looked up that photo? I believe I have seen it.

Ted Danson is like... Cheers. He was... Yeah, he was like the guy in Cheers. Very tall, super white hair. You'd know if you saw him. He dated Whoopi Goldberg for a spell. He dated Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. And she said it was okay. And he did it in public.

- For her, like for her birthday? - Your birthday? - Yeah. - Imagine your boyfriend being in like blackface, being like, "Happy birthday, honey. I love you." - See, look at that smile. - But was it the '80s? - Look at that smile. - It was the '80s. - She loves it. - It was the '80s. - That's what I'm saying, in the '80s they were probably like, "That is so funny. You are killing it. You should be on Saturday Night Live." - "You should do that in public."

Showing for office. Well, I think that's it. Oh, wait, wait. Can you, do you have anything to plug? I don't know about like, don't knock on table, but with COVID stuff, but I'm starting to up my monthly show at Largo. Oh,

I tried to get into your shit show. I tried to buy tickets online. Well. Hello, I eat my own shit. It sold out. No shit. Well, which is nice, but it's a monthly show. She said, sorry, flop. Better luck next time. I tried to buy tickets. I was so depressed. I would never call anybody a flop. Not even a dolphin. Or a shoe.

- Wait, wait, the show's called Me? - Well, I think it's gonna change every month. Right now it's Me, I've Been Eating My Own Shit. My own shit. - Say it louder. - Yes. - Me, I've Been Eating My Own Shit. - But can you say it with like, you know, 'cause you chose the name, like strength and-- - I mean, you put the name on-- - Give us like the radio ad version for the show. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. - You're gonna sell it. - Wait, wait, can I be the radio station?

And that was Baby, You Got Back. Now a quick announcement from Patty Harrison about her one-woman show thingy. Hey gamers, do you like shemale comedy? Then turn out. It's July 28th at 8pm at the Largo at the Coronet.

And what is it called? What's it called? Hey, faggot, listen up. It's called Me, I've Been Eating My Own Shit. A new monthly show that won't be called that every time. I would love to be calling it Hey, Faggot. Maybe that's the next one. It's Italian for friend. And now back to regular programming. Okay. I was... I was...

fingering myself at the end of the road and that's when I saw my love. And that was fingering myself at the end of the road by Fergie. It's just that. It's Fergie. Fergie lost her voice. I'm Fergie. I am Fergie. I didn't know you could do her. I am Fergie. Don't forget Fergie.

Do you have anything you want to plug? We sell things here. We sell things. Yeah, yeah. I have a show that I'm doing. I'm going to be doing at the Little Island Festival August 15th.

And that I'll be performing around New York. And it's just like a one-person show. So keep your eyes out for that on my Insta and Tweeters at Pile of Tears. Other than that, I'm just kind of trying to rest. Nice. Catch them resting.

And we're good. Oh, we didn't even get to talk about you getting booted off of Twitter for... We don't need to. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Wait, why? I just...

I made it. She weaponized the cookie. What did you do? I did that thing where you change your name to like a real company, but because I'm verified, it looks real. And then I said like a bunch of like biphobic and transphobic stuff. Biphobic. Yeah. And then I got kicked off. But that's like, it's fine. I think I wanted to get kicked off. I was like done on Twitter. Yeah, I tried to tag you and I was like, if you wanted to get on Facebook,

- Yeah. - If you wanted to get away with biphobic and transphobic slurs, you could've just done it on Facebook. - Nobody cares about Facebook. - Well, it's like your password has to be like, "Bioracier is not real." - Fierce. - And I agree. And I agree. - You know who's bi? Barney.

I see it. Did you notice? Yeah. Wait, the purple dinosaur? Purple dinosaur. I remember, oh my God, this is like a film. Do you remember him coming out being like, I'm bi. Like that was the first thing he said to the kids. I'm bi if anyone wants to hook up later. Yeah. And then the show began. And then the girl's like, I will. He's like, you still have to be hot, grozo. Yeah.

- And also it's not like a pedophilia thing 'cause Barney's like nine years old. - Right, right, Barney's a kid. Just like a bi kid who's like strong in his. - Just a huge young dinosaur. - I remember being a kid and like, remember the, I remember people's parents would be like, "Barney's gay, that's why he's purple." Remember purple, Tinky Winky was gay. - Right, yeah, he was gay. - Why is purple gay? - But then all the parents loved Prince. I don't get that. - T.

All the parents are like, oh my God, Prince! Like, dads, moms. But then they're like, ew, Purple's gay. It's like, you see any pictures of your parents before, it's like, you all looked gay. You all had crop tops. Well, people who are that, who are, like, dumb enough to say something like that also aren't smart enough to, like, see the, how things are, like, at odds. Like, people loving, like, Queen and Elton John and all that shit. Totally. And just being, like, homophobic. It's like, all the, like,

The homophobic kids at my school were like blasting Crocodile Rock. Maybe not Crocodile Rock. Earlier today at your school. Earlier today at my technical school. Yeah, I'm going to, I'm actually going to vocational school for underwater welding. Yeah. They're like, fuck you, fag. You're not super loud. And I'm like, fuck you, fag.

Yes. Yes. Giving it all. They're like, fuck you, faggot. And then they turn and they have threading bruises. Fuck you. Threading bruises. You're a faggot. They wear a chromatical Oreo. They're like fillers, like drifting downward. You see it? They have those lungs.

- Fillers dripping down. - All right. Well on that note. - Oh, bye. - Bye. - Erasure is not real.

you