Sniffin' for Coq Au Vin with Trixie and Katya
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And welcome back to another riveting episode of the Bald and the Beautiful podcast with me, Katya, and my lovely friend, Trixie Mattel. That's me. That's you. How are you, honey? I'm fine. Thank you, sweetie. And you today, how are you feeling? I'm feeling really good. I feel, to be honest, I listened to the last two episodes of the show and the episode where we took voicemails was some of the funniest shit I've ever heard in my life. I know. You know what?

Is it okay to laugh at your own podcast? I was laughing at my own self laughing at you laughing or laughing at you laughing at me. I couldn't believe you didn't know that was you. I had no idea. I sounded exactly like a woman. It did. Yeah. Why don't you talk in that voice all the time? Because, well, I have my tubes tied.

My register went down like three octaves. Sniffies. Wait, you never got, I never got to tell about sniffies through the grapevine. Yes. So what do you think? You know who told me about sniffies? Andrew. Eric Olson. Eric, who?

Who? Do you know Eric? Eric Dawnstorm. Oh, okay. Online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alaska. Alaska. Yes. Oh, he told you. He gave you the key. He sent me some meme that was like me making a Sniffies profile. I said, what the fuck is a Sniffies profile? It's literally just cruising. It's an online cruising app that lets you know people are under the stairs at the CB2 at 8000 Sunset.

Ready to suck dick and cock through a cardboard box in a hole. It's also a little bit like, where are we as gay people that Grindr is not sleazy enough anymore? Oh, no, no, no. This is like, it's literally like the glory hole, the Grindr. Well, Grindr is like, here's the mile away radius that someone's away. But it doesn't tell you where they are. On Sniffies, you can go on the map exactly to their home. You can zoom into their apartment building. Yes, but this is not something you use at home. And the profile.

Mama, this is public. Not what I've seen. Oh, really? These are people's home addresses and the picture is just their fucking cock. Oh, so it's open door policy. Oh, it's their cock. Oh, it's their cock. Oh, it's their cock. It's just there. So it's just your neighbor, the picture of their apartment building and their fucking cock hanging out the window. And it just, I mean, but also it's Grindr if everyone led with their dick pic.

Right, which I thought was Grindr. Grindr became Instagram and Instagram became Match.com. Do you know what I mean? Well, I think on Grindr, no one's trying to fuck with their face. And Grindr is also for dating. What I get from the sniffing situation is these are people who are like, you have a cock? I don't need to see the face. Of course. I think it's that. It is absolutely that. But guess what? I'm going to flip the script and use it as dinner guest invites. Because I'm so lonely. I don't have any friends. Open the door. Make dinner. Sniffing. People come in sniffing for cock. Well, they're going to get cock-o-vent.

And you're going to sit down for a lovely dinner. We should do an episode of this. Sniffy. What's that smell? Is that dinner? Can you sniffies what The Rock is cooking? Can I say this while sniffies? Sniffies, if you're listening, which I'm sure you are. If we did an episode of this where we had bomb people on the sniffies, told them to come over. See, I don't want to do all that. I don't want to do that because I know- Entrapment. Entrapment, danger. I thought we would work off of this.

So like, no, but you know, 8,000 sunset is that big complex where you got the crunch gay gym. You got the Starbucks. Is that where the next house? Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. Yes. So gay. I'm there all the time. And that veggie grill. Yeah. What? Formerly. Now it's an urgent care. Oh God. Yeah, I know. I know. So mama, those, there's a certain stairwell.

A stairwell? I'm talking stairwells, parking lots, parking garages, elevators. Dumpsters. Bushes. Absolutely a dumpster. Bushes, dumpsters. Crosswalks. Loading docks. Loading docks. Loading at the loading docks. All those things. Those are snippies. That's where the precision of the GPS really comes into play because that, you know, guy number three has his usual haunt is like, you know, to the left of the AMC right by that closed office space. That's where he's

hole out ready to get stuffed yeah on sniffies that's what to me that's what the app is for well can i just you know everyone is fucking anonymous public and i gotta say this one of my favorite things about being gay is that no gay behavior shocks any of us we all have this like mutual respect we have this mutual respect we're like whatever you're into even if i'm internally like whoa that's a lot it's poker face yeah yeah if someone's like oh well i you know

So these people who are – the face doesn't matter to them. That's not me. I need to know who's touching me. Okay. The face does matter to me. This is a win for ugly people. This is a big win. Well –

Yes. Right. Yeah. Yes. For giant cocked guys with busted faces. If you are just okay looking in the face, but you have a magnificent cock, this is your moment. This is your Super Bowl. Yeah. Sniffies is this Academy Awards. You better get on that stage with the mask on. This is your moment. Although I guess those moments, I mean, glory holes, dark rooms, that whole thing. I'm... Grindr's done for me. Oh, why? No, I'm going to be honest.

You and I aren't famous. No. Wait, what? We're not famous. No, we're gay famous. But we're too famous for Grindr. It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't work anymore. It's patronizing. If you go on Grindr and you say, hey, what's up? And someone recognizes you, they go, oh my God, not this. Or some shit like that. Or they're like Yas Queen or they're like loved you in All Stars or love your wigs or like... Or...

You get blocked for impersonating yourself. Which has happened to me three times. And I have to DM Grindr on Twitter and send them a picture of me with my ID. Humiliating. It's me. Humiliating. Those pictures are humiliating. You feel like, yeah, they're humiliating. I've had to send those too. Not to Grindr or just, you know, to my family.

And can I just say, like, I used to be shocked by my own porn tabs, but now nothing's more shocking to me than my own Grindr messages. I'm like, you word processed this yourself. Give me an example. I just, I don't like myself anymore. I don't like myself anymore. You need to use a VPN. You need to express VPN up in there. But I'm using my VPL. That's what I'm using on sniffies. The VPL, honey. Express VPL. Can I ask about free balling?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are these two people who don't wear underwear and then they walk around? We need, yes, case in point. Roxbury, Massachusetts. 1974. Massachusetts Avenue. Quote, unquote, the hood. But it was just, I just called it urban metropolis bustling with life of all colors, shapes, and sizes. Yeah. Mostly of the larger variety in the form of a man. My friend Misery and I were walking down the street.

And we see this guy across the street come in. He had like a swag, right? He's like walking like he's the man. Oh, I was like he's like a gifting suite. He's got AirPods. Green chef. Just came from the gifting suite at the Hilltop. No, this guy is like he's got the male strut. And then we discover perhaps why he is because underneath his thin, very thin gossamer layer of light gray sweatpants.

was the biggest fucking swinging eggplant dong. It was... Was it Morgan Freeman? I'm thinking of him in those linen pants. It was Don Cheadle. Do you remember in Bruce Almighty, he's in the white linen pants? He's always in white linen because they're always having him play God. Yeah. But this guy, this very attractive young man, who is perhaps Latino or something, he... I've never seen a VPL like this.

It was at March of the Penguins. Visible penis line. Yeah. Yeah. I, we both looked at like, she grabbed my arm. I grabbed her neck, um, choked her out. And then, um, it was like, it was so, it was shocking. It was shocking. You could almost, it was almost more obscene than the naked dick. Absolutely. And then only weeks later at the Dorothy's boutique where I worked, this kid walked in, I'll never forget, had a Kool-Aid, um,

20s. In his 20s with a Kool-Aid mustache. Weird. Oh, like stained skin. Yeah, stained upper lip with a red from his slushie. He was wearing these little red basketball shorts. His enormous dick. I'm talking... You see that? It was that. Huge dick in his...

Pants. No panties. So when people are like, I'm into free balling, is that like, I want to walk down the street and then you see me without underground? So there's no touching? It's like a form of exhibitionism, I guess. It's like cleavage in a way?

Well, no. I mean, it's not cleavage. But is there sex involved? Or is it just like, I'm going to walk down the street and you're going to look at me? I think they're just into it as like, I'm into spandex. Or do we like sit on a park bench and we both have like, we both have like, we both have basketball shorts on our park bench. We both have casual conversation about how good it feels not to have restrictive underwear on. It gets, it's never sexual, but we just meet up once a month and talk. But I don't mind having underwear on, especially when they're from MeUndies.

All different patterns. Do you... Is free ball the thing that you encounter guys into a lot? Well, I had to get on the snippets because I don't know what the T is. I've never actually been on it, but of course all the people I hang out with are. It's the reverse. Okay, you know in algebra, sometimes they give you X and Y to figure out Z. Sometimes they give you X and Z to figure out Y, solve for Y. Okay. Right? And sometimes, I don't know, but...

I don't remember algebra, but... So on Grindr, there's an order of operations. There's a face or a torso. And then, can I see your face? There's torso. Or can I see your body if it's just a face? And then maybe it's dick and ass and all that. And then if you get wild, maybe it's videos or something. But...

They're doing Tarantino down at Snippy's. Okay. You're seeing the ending scene and then they're going back to the beginning. Yeah. Coldplay, take me back to the start. Okay. So you're seeing the giant cock picture and the exact home address, which is usually the information you find out last. And then you're asking, can I see your face?

How old are you? No, no, no. I don't think that comes into play. It does for some people, I think. Maybe for a lot of people, I don't think it does. No. Yeah, I know. I need to suck a dick. I'm at the I'm at the Piggly Wiggly down by the, you know, on 49th and Lex. I need to suck a dick in my mouth now. Sniffies.com. But you know, I got my groceries. I went to the bank. Where's the dick? It needs to be in my mouth right now. And I don't want to go to somebody's residence.

Right. You know? Well, I think there's a public aspect for sure. Like I bet you Sniffy's at the airport is popping off or Sniffy's at the, I don't know, the Beverly Center? The Beverly Center, Central Park, the Boston Common. But Central Park is like a bush and then there's just a picture of someone in a bush and it's like Pokemon Go. I don't know. You got to find out. Wasn't that a big, that was a big craze for a reason, public fun. But I looked it up because Sniffy's got me thinking about California law.

And I was like, well, I thought if you're going to meet in a handicapped stall in a bathroom, which if you're straight listening to this tune out, this is all going to shock you, but whatever. Gay people have sex in public. It happens a lot. Yeah. Sometimes it happens in restaurants. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes it's sporadic. Yeah. Things happen. My hole is so big. Things just fall into it. Technically that's sex. Yes. I mean, I've been to gay bars in Los Angeles where there's mirrors above the urinal. So if you're peeing, everyone can see your dick. It was staying at the urinal. Everyone.

Yeah. Mary, go to the Eagle. Yeah. But let me just say this. I looked up what counts public sex? What counts as public sex? I said, if you're in a stall and no one can see in there, maybe you're making out, maybe you're doing hand jobs, maybe you're doing anal. That feels private to me. Yeah. If it's quiet and no one can see in there.

But then I was reading like, well, can you be charged in this way? And then I was reading that like in the 50s, 60s, especially in like London, et cetera, cops would walk over the stalls when they heard gay guys were hooking up in bathrooms and they would hold a mirror over the stalls to see who's in there doing what.

So someone's just in there taking a shit and a cop is like looking and then get into this. The cops would whip it out and jerk off incognito and then arrest you. Yeah. Yeah. Or they would make you pay a fee. Like they would, they would dip into it. They would like the bars would have to pay them off with money and blow jobs. Yeah. That's crazy. So I was just like being like, well, if people do sniffies and they do public work,

If you're in the middle of the street and streetlights are on and people can walk by and see you having sex, that is public. Hollywood and Highland. That is public. Hollywood and Highland. You know that huge intersection down the four-way where everybody crosses diagonally? Yeah. Hollywood Boulevard. But it's like if you're two guys and you're going from a gay bar and you walk into an alley and do oral.

Should you be able to be charged for that? I mean... No, charged with a good time. Yes, charged with maybe an STD, but not by the police. How many times in straight bars might a girl go to a bathroom and a guy follows her? There's no cops arresting people for public sex at a straight bar. No, there's not. No, and you know what? A lot of those cases, there is sexual assault happening where the guy should be arrested. Yeah, I know. If it's a blackout drunk girl and a guy follows... Like, I was just... Maybe it's the fact that we're in an age group where like...

cruising in that sense isn't a vital part of sex it's more of a choice like oh this is a kind of sex that i like versus at the time 50 years ago cruising was the way to find sex right because there was no encoded baby yeah yeah yeah it was literally just well it was smoke signals yeah so you would be jerking off under a bridge and then you would build a little i would waft the the the rancid come sent up into the um the grates and then people come down smell it you never know who you're gonna get absolutely

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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I knew this guy. I think I shouldn't say his name. I say his name. Bob. I can understand Bob. He is so handsome. He's just one of these guys that is like who would play him? Jon Hamm. Oh, OK. But a little bit younger.

He would go out, he and his friends, who were also very handsome and gorgeous and lovely, they would go out onto Santa Monica Boulevard on the weekend nights and cruise. So like walk around and look at people's eyes? And then have sex with them.

In the street? Sometimes in their house, sometimes in an alley, sometimes anywhere. It was the most, like, this is behavior for me, from my point of view, that only someone of this, like, that beautiful, I mean, they literally walk out in the world of their oyster and they'll lock eyes with someone and go have sex. And it's game on. Yeah. Whereas if I lock eyes with someone, it's- Do you know what it looked like? Have you seen the movie Shutter Island? Yeah.

Do you remember that old bald woman that Leonardo DiCaprio sees when he first gets there? And she's like,

That's me. Yeah. You know when the little boy sees the woman in the shower in The Shining? A hundred percent. That's me. So people are not trying to have sex with me. They're trying to figure out how to lock me way into the box of their mind. That is so funny you brought that up. I just rewatched The Shining last week on the plane. And you know Dr. Sleep too. Of course. I've seen The Shining at least 30 times in my life. And I watched it on a plane the other day and I still was like, this is so scary. It's fucking terrifying.

Yeah. It's terrifying. The sound design, the acting. Yeah. It's wild. And then I watched, of course, I think Dr. Sleep is good enough that if you watch The Shining, you then have to watch, you watch, you know, one and two. Yeah. And that old woman in the- Oh, yeah, in the bathtub. We see the woman in the bathtub a lot in Dr. Sleep. A lot, yeah. And she's so scary. So scary. Smiling. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like,

Oh, I mean, that's me. I know. That's Smiley McCorpse. But you know, if you remember in The Shining, she starts out hot. And she ends up- That's you for the first hour in drag. With the Arizona. She starts out hot, spends most of the time scary and ugly, and gets locked away at the end. Oh, I love it! But wait, so-

Oh, wrong. That's the wrong one. Damn it. I thought that worked. Speaking of that, Rebecca Ferguson, who plays the main villain in Doctor Sleep, the woman. Oh, who plays Rose the Hat. Oh.

Gorge. Gorge. Is that okay to say? Of course. She's stunning. They try to kind of dress her down a little bit, even though she's supposed to be pretty. Yeah. She's not slutty. She's not glam. No, she's not glam. But she's – her face and her breasts. I'm telling you. So my friend is her agent. I know her agent at ICM. And my yoga teacher friend, his husband is her agent.

I don't know why I said that, but it's name dropping, I guess. She is in Dune. The yoga teacher is her agent? So my friend, the barista at the Starbucks that I don't go to, her yoga teachers, yeah. She is in Dune. And you have not seen Dune, but I have seen it nine times. And you've gone Dune buggy. I've goon. It's goon for me. It's goon. I goon at Dune. And by the way, the only message I've received on Grindr in the last three weeks was thank you for talking about gooning on the podcast. Oh my God.

Did I tell you that I went to Hot Dog Sundays to watch Matteo DiCaprio?

It's a party. Snippies would factor heavily in hot dog sundaes. And a guy named Michael came up to me and he had a shirt on, like a disco shirt on. And he goes, all my friends, thank you so much for talking about gooning and baiting. Yeah. If nothing else, we've really brought awareness to the gooning and baiting community. I gave him my number because he was like, I love to go dancing. I said, me too. Yeah. If you're going to have poppers until we drool, let me know. No, he'll text me a flyer for a party that night and go, ready to goon? Yeah.

I'll be like, I can't go because I have to work. Gooning is pre-gaming and baiting is dancing. It's crazy. So what happened to Miss Ferguson? So Miss Ferguson, I was watching, you know how they do those Vanity Fair, look at my career timeline things for actresses. I recently saw hers. And Mary, she is so fierce. You have to see Dune for this woman. She fucking ate, she eats or she ate or whatever the kids are saying. She shits. She ought. She ought. Yeah.

She plays a character who is a part of my dream, which is to be a man-hating psychic nun, a sorority that controls through breeding programs the fate of politics throughout centuries. Yeah.

It literally sounds like you wrote that. Yeah, I know. And they also use a voice to control people. So like, they'd be like, kill him. And then there's this, it's called the Bene Gesserit. And they use this thing called the voice. And like, like,

Like the singing show? Yes. I want them to be doing a version of the voice. Like a chair that turns around? Or is that the X Factor? It doesn't matter. The chair turns around. It's these. It goes, the Ben and Judd's are. And then literally, it'd just be the contestant trying to use the voice to make the microphone stand come up. And they can't do it. So they get stuck with a poison needle. You got to watch Dune. I'm telling you, you'll love it. I'll watch Dune. I'll watch it for Rebecca. Yeah.

That fear scene in the opening of Dr. Sleep. That's what I wanted to talk about. Where she's by the water? No, no, no. Where they're the kid. They're torturing the kid and sucking out his fear. Oh, that's scary. But the opening scene with the little girl and she's by the water picking the flowers and eating them. And the little girl goes, you don't eat flowers. And she goes, oh yeah, you do. They taste the best. And then they all come out, right? Yeah. And they're all standing. Yeah. And she goes, those are my friends.

So fierce. But that I could I was truly shocked. Speaking of the child torture scene, the extended director's cut that's in the regular version of the movie of the kid getting tortured and tortured and tortured because it's the pain that they feed on. It's horrible. I mean, that is one of the most the fear and the pain. And you know how I hate movies. They're always scared to kill the kids. Dr.

Doctor Sleep, they're not scared to kill and torture kids. No child left behind alive. And as somebody who hates kids, I watch that scene and I'm like, all night long, all night, all night long. To me, that's a story of superheroes. Same with Pennywise. I'm like, work, bitch. Fuck them kids. That's Superman. Superman. That is so good. And the part where he's dead and they're punching his body to get more steam out. To get more juice. Mong diving, mama. Yeah.

That's the mung. That's the mung. She needed to, the tall guy needed to jump off the van and then bop that last little juice in her mouth. It's crazy. That movie was so good. You know, I'll scoot on that movie, that little girl who plays Abra. Is she the one who gets turned? No, she's fierce. Snake Badandy. She's fierce. But the little girl. Oh yeah. The main girl. Yeah. So good. She's great. Young actress. And I'm like, yeah.

She is so good. And then there's that fucking, I mean, so much of that movie is so sickening. But in the book, they find out the child is psychic. In the movie, they find out because there's that trick where the spoons are floating on the ceiling at the birthday. In the book, which I know people hate about what happens in a book, but the parents are having separate dreams of a baby crying. And one of them is having a dream of a baby with the word like, I think it's like,

And the other baby is having a shirt with this that says 11. And in the dream, the baby predicts 9-11. I was just going to joke. No, no, no. The baby predicts 9-11 in the book. This is before 2001. Rose the Hat and all those people are in New York, parked on a cliff, watching 9-11 like...

Gooning. Gooning. I'm dead serious. I'm dead serious. The baby predicts 9-11. And they're at ground zero with their dicks out. And they're there like Dolores Claiborne with the reflector boxes like living. Living.

That's two planes, not three, Dolores. That is insane. I know. That's like, that is crazy. Is that Stephen King? Yeah. He wrote that? What works really good in Doctor Sleep, though, is the killing the kid is so violent that it makes you really hope that they all go down. Yes. Because it makes them evil. Evil. Because at first you're like, they get to live forever. They be beautiful. Now, if they came to you and you had magic powers and they said, we're either going to

Get you together or we're going to make you one of us. Well, see, it all depends. Any of those other creeps, get the fuck out of here. Miss Ferguson, with that broad expressive register of emotionality. She'll convince me. She could have me kill my whole family. Yeah. She'd be like, not only are you going to kill your whole family, but you're going to do it in this dressed as Lil Bo Peep. And you're going to go buy the costume yourself because I don't have enough time to pick it up with the costumer. We'll get this in the book too. Miss Ferguson and Snake Banandi.

Les. They les out. Gooned and scissored. They les. Do they scissor ground zero? No. They don't scissor ground zero. That would be a bridge too far. Yeah. That's in the, you know, first draft. Yeah.

Like, so, Stephen, we're going to have you remove the gratuitous lesbian scene. They really do that? Yeah, they les out. That's good. That's good. But, you know, it's like that whole book's about like drugs and they're all sort of like. Oh, because he's an alcoholic, right? They're all sort of like sex and pleasure. That's right. Yeah. He's a hard core girl. Also, what about the beginning when he wakes up next to that dead woman and leaves the baby there?

Oh, okay. Well, you know what, though? It was gaggy. That's kind of a serve. It was kind of gaggy. Honestly, work. Honestly, work. I recently came across a clip of a disaster movie. The first few – the setup involved saving a child from this apocalyptic scenario. I was like, Mama, what? A baby? When the – you throw it and then you keep stepping. Okay.

- A baby who cries? - Hell no. - What are you gonna do? - Spoiler alert, don't watch "The Quiet Place 2." - Oh, yeah. - The lengths they go to to keep this piece of shit alive. I'd eat that baby first thing. - That succulent tender morsel.

This boy locked in a safe, splitting the oxygen tank between him and the newborn. Mary, I want to say goodnight. That's white people stuff. That's precious white people. That's the thing in those movies where something's going to happen to kill the entire population, but the person's like, but my child will die. Yeah, it's like, mama, everybody's child's going to die. Ain't nothing special about yours. It's so funny. That's like in season, I know people at home will get this, in season five of Buffer the Vampire Slayer.

They're like, well, the only way to save the world is to kill your sister, Dawn. And Buffy's like, no. And they're like, but if you don't kill her, we all die, including her. And she's like, so what? Well. And what? It's Christmas. Do something. Please, Dawn. Do something. Do something.

Oh, it's the premiere day. Oh, by the way, it's the, well, by the time this comes out, it might be over, but it's the premiere day of Queen of the Universe. Oh my God. Now I hate this. Speaking of singing shows, I know there's, I don't like them. Never watched them. Never seen one episode of American Idol or The Voice or any of those shows. However, I shall be tuning into this one because I want to see you on that judging panel. It's worth it just to see the drag. I want you to, I hope that,

I hope that every time someone gets on there and delivers an incredible, like pitch perfect, gorgeous aria, you're like, why do your knuckles not match your neck?

When I tell you, obviously they trim down the judges' comments. I watched the first two episodes. Every performance, I was like, oh my God, that was amazing. First thing, why doesn't your arms match your chest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Body makeup. It's just as easy as continuing the makeup down the face to the chest. But like if women on TV do it, why aren't you doing it? A man in a singing competition. Especially. Well, now you're looking at me because I am ground. I am patient zero. We've established that you're not doing that. You're not going to start now.

But these women are having their television debuts. And they're fabulous singers. Yeah, yeah. You've got to watch. I will say this. One of my friends, Jujubee, is on it. And you should watch. You should watch. I'm going to watch. I'm going to watch. When does it premiere? Because it was Friday. Judging your friends is also difficult. Oh, my God. Judging your friends is difficult. I don't think so. I do it all the time. I would kill. I'd pay to be able to judge you on Drag Race.

I think I take judging pretty well because when people say stuff, I go – You would actually – you would either – you would identify it and agree with it or just dismiss it and not take it personally. There's nothing – I've never been told anything on Drag Race that I didn't agree with. Or that – did it hurt your feelings? Well – What? Michelle was explaining to me what it's like because she said they all say they want help from judges. Nobody wants help. They want the truth. They say they want the truth. They want to be told how it – but then when you tell them, they get mad and sad. Yeah.

But then she said, when it goes on TV and they watch it, they DM her and say, you were right. Of course. Yeah. Or you were right about one thing. I am coming to kill you. Yeah.

I'm coming to kill you, bitch. It's worth watching for the Leona Lewis and the Vanessa Williams and Michelle, the drag. And they were as big a wigs as I was every day. These women are in drag. Yeah. They looked, you sent me an unauthorized photo a few times and you looked great. And so did Miss Vanessa Williams. I can't, I mean, I'm obsessed with Vanessa Williams. Yeah. She sounds like a hoot. She gets me. She's so beautiful. I don't want to tell her age. You can Google it if you want, but you're like,

She's in her late 80s. You have been alive this long? Yeah. And you look like this? Mama, World War II didn't touch that skin. Gold skin. Yeah. Blonde hair. Green eyes. Perfect teeth. Hmm. Green eyes.

Perfect. She's got green eyes. And I'll say this. I don't want to tell business. She borrowed a lot of jewelry for Queen of the Universe. So she's poor, too. Relatable. You know, Michelle has the costume drag jewelry on and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Rue has the Santy Alley buttons glued to her ears. I'm wearing whatever Monopoly piece I've stapled to my ear that day. I look... Yeah, yeah. She borrowed David Yerman and Harry Winston. Vanessa's literally like, well, these earrings are 50. These are 50 and the bracelet's 100. You thought dollars. And I'm like...

I just never in person had seen jewelry that nice. I'm like, I've never, but I guess I don't, I'm so stupid and poverty. Like, I don't even know what diamonds look like in that way. Cause I'm looking at a drag bracelet, a diamond bracelet. I'm like, are the diamonds all still there? Like that's what it's, that's what mine's missing stone. But hers, when the light hits it, I'm like, Oh, diamonds do.

They do shine differently. Yeah, they do. And I'd never really been around diamonds to notice that. Well, you know, it's the shine that comes from all the, you know, the children who die from mining them in Africa. That really gives them that lost. It's the shining. Yes, yes.

I'm at the Overlook Hotel on sniffies. Baiting. Oh my God. At the Overlook Hotel. You're sniffing after Jack Torrance or whatever his name is. He's lumbering after Danny with the axe and you're sniffing after him with your dong out. Did you cry watching Dr. Sleep? Oh, I probably. The scene where he's at the bar talking to the ghost of his dad. I actually almost just started to cry right now. And the ghost of his dad is trying to get him to drink again.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Oh, I don't know if I'm sure if anything. But you love to cry. I love. I was just talking about this with Eden. And she doesn't. Big, juicy. You know it's getting juicy. Those are your heavy naturals. Last time I saw Diana, Spencer, the movie Spencer, that Diana mess. And any good opportunity to cry, especially if it's even if it's maudlin or cliche, it'll get the things going and I try to resist it. But if it's a sincere, like,

beautiful moment of art, I will let it go. And so the eyes well up and you can feel them filling up like cartoon fish tanks and then big, huge, like big, juicy droplets like stream down. Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. Do you look at yourself in the mirror while you cry? Not usually at the movie theater. Oh, so you like the...

I'm not at home thinking about things in the mirror and trying to make myself cry. Okay, so that's what I was picturing. That sounds like an insane person. That sounds like Hollywood actors. Oh, I could never do that. I've tried to. I could never do that, to cry in queue. Are you kidding me? No. But a Toyota commercial will make me well up.

But if it's a real- We come to this place for magic. We come to this place to laugh, to cry, to care. Because we need that. That indescribable feeling when the lights begin to dim and we go somewhere we've never been. Somehow reborn together. Our heroes- Is she in a suicide cult? We're talking about Nicole Kidman. Yeah, she escapes the suicide cult in a raincoat to go to an empty theater to wax poetic about a particular chain of-

Somehow heartbreak feels good in a place like this. That is literally how everybody... Me on Sniffy's. Somehow heartbreak feels good in a place like this. Me on Sniffy's under a bridge. We come to this place for magic. And I'm just down there gooning under the crunch. To goon, to bait, to...

If you go to the crunch to look for someone to hook up with, I'm not even the steam room. I'm on the tech deck machine just jerking off on my phone. And I'm like, hello? Hello? No, you're sitting on the fresh pile of towels that everybody has to take to the... Well, this is what it is on the snippies. So what does it look like? Is it... I don't even... I've never been on that. It looks like Google Maps. Okay. But let's say... You know, Google Maps, let's say you look for restaurants and then little bubbles pop up in there. But those bubbles are not spoons and forks with menus. Those bubbles are genitals.

what they're into, what they like. Is it an icon that becomes, that links to a picture or is it little like a teeny? You click the icon and then their whole profile pops up and it has whatever their picture is. Usually it's genitals on this one. Genitals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it has their age, their height, their weight. And it'll have like, I really like cruising, kissing and free balling. Sure. It'll say like what they're looking for.

And it also says if they want you to come to them or if they're their takeout. I'm in G2 of the second floor of the Target parking lot. Right. But it's probably all the same people from Grindr who now do sniffies. So if you've been blocked or you were ugly on Grindr, you put your big fat cock out there. And then when someone says, what's up? It's that moment in a movie. Big mistake. Huge. Where someone's been fired and they walk in and their former employee's in the CEO chair and they go, well, well, well.

Oh my God. You guys take commission, right? Yeah. Big mistake. Huge. And then you're showing just how huge the mistake was. And you jerk off your Red Bull can dick into your own mouth. You know what I like to say when someone walks in? Because I leave the front door open and they walk in and they had blocked me on Grindr and I go,

Hello, Mr. Anderson. Actually, I have hired Ayanla Van Zandt to sit down at the table and be like, does he look like someone you might want to have sex with? Well, let me tell you, you'll never do that. You'll never do that. Yeah. I mean, you know what else I was thinking about when I was reading up about California public sex law? Because I was like, does having sex in a car count as public? If you're in public, it sure does. If it had tinted windows.

I mean, I think if you're on the – so if you're doing something like if you're in a parking lot that is private – it's all about private ownership, right? Right. So if it's a privately owned place, that comes under the laws of – What if you're parallel parked on Melrose? If you're parked on Melrose? Parallel parked on Melrose. Parallel parked on Melrose. That's public because people are walking by. Absolutely. Yeah. If you're having sex in your own driveway –

In your car. In your convertible, your cabriolet on Sunday with the children. That's what I mean. I just think it'd be hard to nail down. And let's be honest. I think most of these laws are about arresting men having sex with men. They're not busting straight people having sex and ticketing them. That is not happening. I think they're just about it's just about being able to control and police anybody, any undesirable person.

You know what I mean? And also, it's really just a way for the powers that be to criminalize sex and desire and control people that way so that the priest can still fuck kids in private. Exactly. Because I also don't think it would be as much about actually ticketing as much as humiliation. Humiliation is shame. Shame. It's a shame-based thing. Trauma. Think about the courtroom. How dumb.

You know what I mean? Like the iron. Printing their name in the paper or like this person. But that makes me think of like Paul Rubens.

I'm excited for jerking off in an adult movie. And the fact that the first thing that comes, comes to mind with him is that, and not the fact that iconic PB Herman or in Buffy or like an incredible actor. Yeah. Not that I think jerking off in a theater. That's how an adult theater in an adult, not a jerk, not a thing to at the Grove. You know what I mean? That's me. That's me, honey. I'm watching Dune. You're watching Dune jerking off in the back row. I,

Yes, I am. Have you ever done anything in a movie theater? Well, I've done a lot. Nothing sexual. Drugs in a movie theater? No, actually. What do you mean you've done a lot? You were going to say I've done a lot. Eating, sitting, drinking. You're like, I like to get really crazy and watch movies. I'll bake a lasagna. No, I love to just sit still and watch the movie. I know someone who, this isn't me and this isn't any, but I know someone who was into public stuff and-

No, my friend went out with someone who's into public stuff and was like, oh, let's go on a date at the movie theater. And my friend was like, okay, sure, whatever. They go to the movie theater. The guy is in the movie theater. It's not very full of people.

The guy stands up, pulls down his pants to the ankles and sits down bare assed in the movie theater with his dick, cock and shaft out. No little towelette on the seat? No. This is a grown, this is a human movie theater like the Grove or some shit. This is AMC where I come from magic. Where you come from magic. Now this is what I would consider like

I don't know if you need to be cited, but you're doing too much. You should go to jail, but you're doing too much. This is a serious breach of the social contract. Social contract. People are here to watch Sing 2. I come from Magic. This is where I got to laugh, to cry, and to care because I need that. All of us. And I'm not going to be reborn together with a naked man standing up jerking off. Well, what if she meant Magic Johnson? Well, then she's got a good point.

If somebody, if I'm at my sixth screening of Dune at AMC and someone stands up during the Gome Jabbar scene, I'm going to say, sit down and put that dick away or I'm going to break it off. You know, I'm going to, I'm going to intervene. Yeah. But I'm not going to call the police. That's the part I think is wrong. No, you don't call the police. I mean, this is more of an America thing, but why do we hate nudity? Why do we hate sex? Because of them pilgrims.

Because of the church and the pilgrims. It's fucking bogus. It's just the church. It's all the church. If I was walking down the street and I saw people having sex in a car, I would be like, honestly, work. They all keep walking. Yeah. It's none of my business. It's not even that interesting. No, and it's never that sexy. Two people having sex. No. Average people doing regular sex is like- Buck toothed. Bring a book. Skinheaded friend. Bring a book. Yeah. It's like, ow. Ooh. Whoops. Oh. Okay. Done. Yeah. It's like, yeah.

But the whole we hate. I think it's because of the church and it's because of it's white people and it's a religion. I don't like that. I hate it, too. It's the fact that nipples again, you know, people talk about this all the time. We've talked about it multiple times. You can you can bread slice a bitch's head on Netflix on Netflix, but you cannot show her nipple.

That is fucking crazy. It's insane. And the nipple actually is the only thing that got that breadhead sliced bitch to be a teenager. The milk. Not too much. We all know what a naked nipple or naked dick or whatever looks like. This isn't new information. It's right up there with bleeping the F word. When you bleep the F word, I don't go.

What did they say? Right. I missed the word. But also, but that is a, but that's a little bit different because it's like an insult, profanity, a hurtful, you know, a slur, something that's negative. A nipple is neutral. A nipple is- But profanity is also cultural. Yes. So it's like- But a nipple is not cultural. A nipple is a nipple.

a species, you know what I mean? Like we've all decided that the N word is, is unforgivable. Yes. Right. Good. No more. But like the, the, the taboo nature of the body needs to go. Get out of here. Get real. Cause it also, all it does is just, it, it prevents people from accessing care when they've actually been hurt. Like,

Or it makes them feel bad. It makes them feel like, is my body the only one that's this way? Or is, I can't talk to somebody about this thing that happened to me because I can't say penis or I can't say. Yeah, I have to use baby names to refer to. My pee-pee, my giant. Somebody touched my pee-pee and I'm 23 years old. You know what I mean? Think about it. Show me on the doll where he touched you. The doll doesn't have a dick. The doll doesn't have a scrotum with three balls. Do you not have an extra one? I've just been too embarrassed to talk about it.

Yeah. It's really bogus. It's fucking crazy. And I know a lot of it's from being Catholic because it's just Irish Catholic is a culture of not talking. But they're the kid fuckers. That's my point though. It enables and encourages that kind of behavior. Ever since I watched that documentary on Netflix about Baltimore, the archbishops in Baltimore, where people get found out for kid fucking and then they get transferred to their church over and over again. No one goes to jail. Nobody gets in trouble. No.

They get transferred to other churches. Have you seen Spotlight, the one that talked about Boston? No. It's the same thing. It was this huge – and I was there in Boston when it – I think it was 2000, 2001. The whole thing broke and it was like – But you weren't hot. No.

You know, I joke about this and it's not a joke. I would have been the one kid who would have been okay to fuck because I would have wanted it. But they were so ugly. It was just never factored in. They would have never wanted you. No. I was just... I always had that old, old look. Old soul? No, old hole. Like an old baby doll. Like an ancient baby doll. Like a Victorian baby doll. You looked like a Victorian baby doll until like 18. I was always tea stained and...

Tea stain crumbling, flaking face. Half of my jaw was chipped off. And I only spoke in like... Yes. And you had to pull a string on the back. And nobody fucking that dog. Yeah. But I swear to God, like those motherfuckers, those motherfuckers.

Those motherfuckers. People think drag queens are the sex demons. They think that we are the ones that are going to, we are the harbingers of complete moral decay. I was like, mama, you haven't been smelling that shit? That shit in your mouth? You think it's us? Yeah. No. We're too busy and booked to be fucking kids. Also, those people are always so obsessed with us. I don't even think about those people. No.

I don't even think about those people. I think more about Dr. Sleep than those people. I think about Rebecca Ferguson and what that bitch can do with her face. You think about Dune. This is your new old guard. We're just going to watch it over and over again and pretend it's new. Well, I was...

Remember Old Guard that you watched like a series and a local movie? I watched it three times in a row because I refused to believe that there was not a second installment. And I did the same with Dune. So people assume, oh, you've seen it nine times. You probably read the book. Oh, no, I'm not touching those books. And I'm not learning anything. There's a book of Dune? There's a whole series. And the original Dune, it was made into a movie by David Lynch in 1984. It was a huge flop, huge, famous flop. I haven't even watched that.

I'm all about this one. Denis Villeneuve and his dune? Right up my ass. Good for you. You know what? It's important to identify things that make you happy in this life. It's so short. Yeah.

I'm so happy to latch onto a piece of the cultural zeitgeist and make it my personality for a good three to six months. Exactly what happens to you. Same with food. You're like, I'm looking to watch one movie and eat one meal for days. Yeah, I got one food item, preferably snacks, a movie, and oh, I got a new bed frame. Oh, I saw. It's over. I didn't see. It's over. It's over? It's ogre. Oh, you love it? How has the bed frame changed your bed experience? It's way high up.

Oh, it's a high bed. I love high beds. Well, I've never had a bed frame. That's not true. You've always done mattress on the floor? I've done mattress on the floor like I've been 26 or 22 for the past four or five years. Wow. Even though I have plenty of money. I got this bed frame and I feel like Cinderella. Work. Yeah. I don't know why. Well, I know why because beds are supposed to have frames. So that's why. Right.

I don't know why I like it. Because everyone should like it. But you know what, though? I realized... You were bed frame insecure. I was bed frame insecure, but I was also a monster under the bed, very secure. T. Because mama, ain't no claws gonna grab these ankles when it's flushed to the ground. Yeah. That's a really good point. But also, in my case, I really have to face facts that if anybody's grabbing ankles under the bed, I'm doing the grab. It's you. You're probably grabbing your own ankles while you get fucked by a cock. Fuck.

Oh, I'm fucked by a cock. He came over and he put a fucking bat. Victorian ghost cock. Oh, what? I'm thinking of you as a chipped up Victorian doll baby getting fucked. With a teeny little needle. A hard porcelain chipped wiener.

Well, hey, listen. At the time this podcast is on, Kati and I have dates announced all over the United States. They may or may not be sold out again. Last time, this is not a joke. No, yeah, yeah. 96% of the tour sold out in one day last time. If you want to go, if you want to go, get them up, you know, snatch up them tickets. And listen, don't worry about the VIP. Just get any seat. It's going to be a wonderful show for all in the room. We're really, I mean, we had a whole meeting today about making sure that people in the very back row can still have really good view of everything. No one will be vision insecure in these venues.

Except for the blind. But that's not vision insecurity. That's just blindness. T. Yeah. So be sure to check out Queens of the Universe. Queens of the Universe. Yeah. The winner gets $250,000. Oh. And by the way, you got to think about this. The winner gets $250,000. What does Drag Race get? Quarter million dollars. They get $100,000. Oh.

Think about this. There's also... They get American dollars. There's also an exchange rate. You're kidding. If you live in Brazil or one of these countries, the exchange rate works in your favor. Oh my God. You could be getting $50 million if you're like from, you know...

That's what I'm saying. So if you win and you're from a country where – I don't really understand how money works in that way, but I know that it can be even more money. Yeah. So all you footless drag queens in Romania, start practicing your scales and get on Queens of the Universe. There's queens from China, India, Australia, America, Holland, like everywhere. Holland. Yeah.

These bitches are fucking fierce too. Are they any dogs? Is it? Are they really any beautiful, like any stunning beauty? They're kind of all beautiful. There's a couple where the makeup artistry is just to die. Their face is to die. That's so, so the voices are all great. They're all good. Do they have to do their own makeup? Yeah. Spoiler alert. It ends up coming down to a lot of the time. They're all, they all can sing and they all can do makeup, whatever it comes down to song choice,

Does that fit your voice or not? And like if everyone else picked a song that shows their whole fantasy and you picked a song that shows this much. And you just did the chicken dance. Yeah. Or you picked something that doesn't particularly flatter your shape that day. It's like we have to judge everything. So it's crazy. It's hard to win. Drag queens are hard to beat in a competition because drag queens are extremely resourceful. Yeah. They can take a burlap sack and make the happy birthday sound. They can make tears in your eyes. So yeah, watch Queen of the Universe. And also watch Dune.

Watch Dune. Yeah. Premiering tonight on VH1. On Paramount+. On Logo. Okay, bye. Bye.