Perfect Don't Need No Polish with Trixie and Katya
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In true Trixie and Katya form, we have chosen to unceremoniously end this pod by refusing to even travel a half mile to each other's houses. Excuse me. Excuse me. That is not true. It's about a mile. It's true. And in this L.A. rain, honey. In this rain. It's like two miles. And in this L.A. rain. In the rain. Oh, God. The L.A. rain. People here truly do forget how to drive, though, when it rains. Because they don't know. They never learned.

It was raining and I had to pick up my daughters, Sapphire and Maddox from the Montessori school. And I drove off a cliff. I just had to leave them there. I think they're starving to death, but it's better than being wet. I would like to mention anything about my hair. Oh, I love your hair. Well, to be fair, you did call me on Christmas to show me you wearing it. I did. I was with David's family and they said, I said, oh, it's Katya. She called and they said, oh, she's calling to tell you Merry Christmas. I said, no.

This wasn't about that. This is a call about a wig, a human unit that I needed to see on her head. If you could do it all over again, would you have been a woman? No. Too much work. Yeah. I'd rather be an orc from Lord of the Rings. So you think that women have to put on hair and makeup? No, no, no. So you think they're all women like a certain way? Wow. Good thing the pod is over because wow.

No, I think I just wouldn't have the time. I wouldn't have the time to deflect all the weenies and peenies coming at me. I want to live my life not being a video game. Trying to stay so hot. Right. You being a woman would have been too powerful. Yeah.

That pussy would have had a cyclone of gravity that was like... It just sucked the earth. Yeah. They would call me M87 because this pussy would be the biggest black hole. It would suck all the energy light force out of the galaxy. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Listen, it's the last episode of the pod, but we have done this to people before. It's not the last episode. It's not the last episode. Yes, it is. Bitch, we signed on for two more damn months. You made me feel like it was the last one.

I really thought it was the last one. I tried to tell you. Bitch, I really thought. Okay. So I will talk about it off the air. So it's Christmas.

It's the day after Christmas. It's Christmas, but it's still Christmas. It's Christmas from Christmas till New Year's, don't you think? It's Christmas. To me, the spirit of Christmas dies once the presents are opened. I know that that's dark. Yeah, I think the part of me that was a kid, because you know what, when you're a kid, Christmas is kind of like anticlimactic. Once you've opened presents, you're kind of like, oh, I guess now it's a whole day of nothing. Oh, mama, you didn't do it. We merged Christmas and Easter. We hid all the gifts.

So, you know, like you do with Easter eggs. Who cares if you find an egg? There's no fun in that. So we brought a little bit Easter to the Christmas table. The parents, they would hide gifts, not even in the house, all over the neighborhood. So Christmas could last three weeks.

Oh, my God. You know, I think I've told this story before, but when does that stop me? One year, my mom, the Easter Bunny, hid our Easter baskets in the woods and we had to do scavenger hunts to go find them. And my mom, the Easter Bunny, wrote poems being like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Go here and take a left. Yes. And it was me in a winter coat being like, where is that? You know, I'm not great with puzzles.

Do you ever do an escape room? The ultimate white activity on earth? No. No. I did it one time. Tried to. I didn't even get through the first. It was like, you know what? This is crazy. This is crazy. This is ridiculous. We have unhoused people in Los Angeles and you have me paying to get out of a room? Thank you. I narrowly exited an abusive home. That was my escape room. Seriously. And the stakes were extremely high. Yeah. Getting unburdened from the clutches of poverty.

Yeah. I have an alcoholic stepfather. That's the OG escape room. Hello. Hello. Is that too real? Am I getting too real for you guys? I don't know. Nothing could be too real. Not even this human hair unit. Where's the lady? Human hair unit. Can't find it. Can't find it. I'm not even looking because I know that I will not find it. Listen, human hair units are the craze. I got to tell you this. There are people out there wearing human hair units that are...

Not even the right volume or density for their head and their body. And I'm happy for them. I'm really happy for them. I got to tell you, but here's the, this is the joy. This is the joy of the human hair unit. As a person who does not know how to style a hair, human or otherwise, I have no idea. It's all about the wash, that blow dry, the half blow dry. You get her damp and that's when the magic happens.

You put on that damp little wig and you just feel that, that damp, like those like wet little tendrils down your back, your shoulder, your decolletage. And you look in the mirror. Isn't your back and neck already wet when you put it on though? But this is a nice wet. That's that good wet. Yeah. That cool wet. I have a question. Didn't we just record an episode about Drag Race? And why isn't this playing next week?

Because that is scheduled for right before the thing. It's January 5th. Oh, spoiler alert. We might have an episode talking about RuPaul's Drag Race coming up, which we never talk about. Oh, that's right, divas. Snatch those wigs because it's getting hunty up in here. Fierce work, hunty. Honey, you want to get down diva realness tea? So what did you do for Crimba?

Oh, we had a great Christmas. So me and just a very select group of people who may or may not all work for me. It was like an office Christmas party because I don't have any real friends. There was no fax machine, no lamps. No drinking. No. It was me and Eden and our friend Ethan. We watched Benedetta. Benedetta?

The Lesbian Nun movie by Paul Verhoeven. Mary Benedetta. Did you live? Benedetta. Are you enlightened to the sapphic nun agenda? Girl, pussy skeeting for Jesus. Pussy skeeting.

Good for them. No, it's so fierce. It's so fierce. It's so good. People have done a lot worse shit for Jesus. So that's great. I want to say, I just want to tell you one scene that happens early. It's not a huge spoiler. The young girl who she later on becomes a nun joins the convent. She's praying in front of a statue of Virgin Mary.

And the Virgin Mary for this particular statue has a breast exposed. Not sure why. And I don't know. And but so she's praying, praying, praying. And then something happens. You know, it's like there's a crack in the statue falls on her. And but it like pins her down. She sees that titty. No, she doesn't.

Yes, she does. I thought you were going to say that thing was going to fall over at the last second. She... Straight in. And it just... Basically... Yes. Basically, yeah. It's so fierce. Paul Verhoeven is not... He's wild. He's 82. Yeah. Showgirls, total recall. None of the girls are doing it like Paul. Lesbian shit is getting easier and easier to come by. I watched that film called... It's a Hulu original called We Should Do Something. Oh, I have to...

that i think it's called we should do something oh god i think it's the equivalent of this is us and i'm calling it like i am me like it i i don't think i'm calling it the right thing but it is that and let's go out we should do something yeah there was some occult lesbianism occult lesbianism wait wait who's in it who's in it who would play her oh god if we're being honest i just don't know anyone from anything could you look it up perhaps you got a computer at all

Okay, okay, okay. I'll do the research. I'll do the research and development of the pod. So I watched that the other day. Because David was, you know, I was home alone with nothing to do for days. Because COVID's going on. David's been in Palm Springs. Christmas hasn't started. So Mary, all my plans out the window. Am I seeing the Go-Go's on the 29th? No. Am I going to see the Golden Girls with Lucy Davis tonight? No. Am I DJing New Year's Eve at Milwaukee? No. No. But are you going to the Critics' Choice Awards? Yes. Yes.

No, no, it got postponed. The Critics' Choice Awards is postponed. And I'm deeply concerned because the person to beat, I think, is Bo Burnham, whose special is about COVID. The last thing I need is for him to get another surge of publicity. No, he doesn't. OK, we after what he did to that little girl and promising young woman.

What did I call it? It's called We Need to Do Something. A psychological horror film. Seeking shelter from a storm, a family finds itself trapped for days with no sign of rescue and untold evils lurk beyond the walls. This, Sierra McCormick plays a young lesbian. Young lesbian. She's also played a young lesbian in American Horror Story. I think she's specializing in teenage lesbian storylines and good for her.

Vanessa Shaw plays the mom who was in Hocus Pocus. She was the hot girl, Alison, in Hocus Pocus. I'm going to be honest. I don't know anybody in these films. And I did watch that. And that was disappointing and confusing. So that's tough. I kept waiting for something to happen. And I was like, yeah, you should do something. Writers, filmmakers, you should do something. Yeah, come on.

I really wanted it to be good because I could tell it was going to be like abstract, kind of uncomfortable horror. And I was like, yes. And then I was like, oh, we need to do something like make a good movie. It's really hard to make good horror movies. Why do you think that is? I disagree. I disagree. I think it's here's what horror movies, the genre has going for it. Economy. You notice how generally speaking, horror movies are clocking in around 90 minutes. Yeah.

That's great. That's great. That's great. Yeah, but people can do very little with that 90 minutes. That's what I'm saying is why do you think it's so easy for horror films to go so meh? Well, because nobody has A, it's a lack of imagination. And these days people are reverting to cheap thrills. I don't care for those jump scares. I have high blood pressure. High blood pressure.

I have high blood pressure. And I hate that. They're cheap. Your life is a jump scare. Yeah. You walk by a mirror and it's a jump scare. Yeah. No, I, me and Michelle Visage were watching a movie together in the theater once, one of those conjuring movies. And we almost had heart attacks.

We were digging into each other's arms. Those movies are terrifying. The Conjuring and The Conjuring 2. But not scary, though. Not scary. They're absolutely scary. They're jolting. They're jolting. But they're not scary. You don't leave feeling like, do you know what I mean? You don't go to bed feeling like, I'm talking haunting. Yeah. I need scary. I need gripping. I need thrilling. I need haunting. I need spooky.

Yeah, I mean, I'm reading right now. Yeah, sure. During the day, nary a jump scare. I'm reading Stephen King's Misery right now. Misery. Oh, yeah. Love it. Great. Terrifying. Terrifying. I don't know if you could imagine, but somehow I relate to somebody feeling like somebody who's a fan of them might try to kill them.

Maybe somebody might be close to home. A cockadoody. You poop. Yeah. Swearing, Paul. It's the swearing. Yeah, it's good. Scary. It's scary. And it's not jump scary. It's deep psychological dread. Oh, it's scary. It's scary. It's horrible. It's also not supernatural. You know, the bad guy in misery is it's an unhinged insane woman, which is.

It's not far-fetched fantasy. It's all of us. Yeah. Well, sometimes it's in our own backyard. ♪

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Um, wait, wait, wait, wait. I saw a movie that I was so deeply disappointed by recently, and it was... Oh, Nightmare Alley, speaking of horror movies. Nightmare Alley? You know what the nightmare was in Nightmare Alley? That whole movie?

Oh, really? I don't even know. What's it about? Shit. So Guillermo del Toro, all-star cast. We got Bradley Cooper. We got fucking Toni Collette. We got Cate Blanchett. We got fucking Rooney Mara. We got fucking Willem Dafoe. It's an all-star cast. Uh-huh. Gorgeous. It takes place like it's all Carnies. It's like the trailer was very gorgeous, mysterious. Ooh, crazy. Yeah.

Carney Wilson from Wilson Phillips. It was her weight loss journey and it was just all shot through the pin eye lens of a gastro bypass camera. Two and a half hours. Is it a scary movie? No, bitch. It was rotten. It was two and a half hours. Basically, it's just a big long advertisement for don't drink. You lost me. Oh, I'm sorry. We're breaking up. Yeah. I was like, I was mad.

As a vodka saleswoman, I would have stormed out. Me at the movie theater, I got my bucket of popcorn. I got my little flask. I'm pouring it on top like it's a buttery topping. You got the hat with the two giant tall boys in it in the straw. No, I got the hard hat with the beer helmet, but it's giant popcorn things. That's how much I love popcorn. They're Poland spring bottles filled with liquors.

Because I had the week off, I too have been partying. You know, I don't watch a lot of TV or films, period. And I've been watching a lot of items. I went to see the Resident Evil movie, the new one. Is it good? No, but of course it's a video game movie. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I don't care. Okay, let me stop you right there. Let me stop you right there because I need to know. I need to know. Eden's like this too. A bunch of other, but many people are. You know a movie's going to be bad. Why the fuck are you fucking with it?

Because I love the video games. So I knew that even though it wasn't going to be good, I like the game. So I need to know. I got to know. I went with other people who've played the games. We all have a liking. Did you bring your controllers? No. No, we didn't. It was me, Mateo, and Brian who owns Precinct. And we all went and we sat right in the front and we watched it. And we did a lot of looking at each other and going, what is happening?

What? Because if I'm confused as a person who's played the games, I know that somebody who knows nothing about the movie is like, what is happening? However, I have something to rescue you. Something to, you need a hero. I need a hero hanging out for the, yes. It's a little television program called Yellow Jackets. Oh, I started it. I started it. See, it's not on Netflix. It's on Prime. It's on Prime. Amazon Prime. Isn't it? It's not on Netflix. It's not on Netflix.

I think it's on primary Hulu. I only know about it because David put it on. Yeah. Cause I never, I don't like stunts. So when I smell something that could be like Emmy baiting, I don't like a stunt.

Oh, totally. 11 Perfect Friends. What was that show called? Nine Perfect Strangers. Mary Flop. Tina Bestie. We're not doing that. We're not doing that. Anytime. Or Nightmare Alley. Cate Blanchett with like a finger wave. I'm like, we're not doing that. I don't like to be pandered to. I don't like the Academy's favorite 12 people carted out in front of me. I just, I'm not buying it. You know what I mean? I root for the underdog in a way. And so I don't like something that seems like it's going to be good.

If it seems like it's going to be good, I don't want any part of it. I'll be at the theater. I'll be at the theater seeing Resident Evil. Yeah. Steven Spielberg, eat my ass. I know. I was like complaining about watching it. David goes, oh, I'm sorry. Should we watch the Reno 911 movie again? And I was like, maybe we should. Yeah. Maybe if it's good. Oh, yellow jackets is on Showtime.

Yeah. Thank you. But I watched the Reno 911 movie, which Reno 911, they look for QAnon in the movie. They go on a QAnon booze cruise to find QAnon, find out who it is. It's incredible. Oh, that's, that's, I mean, yeah. Can I tell you a spoiler? A deep spoiler. A deep spoiler. This is for everybody. Skip ahead.

They finally find QAnon on a remote island that QAnon owns. Guess who fucking plays QAnon? Who, who, who? RuPaul Charles, girl. So it's the cast of Reno 911 finally being revealed who QAnon is. And a chair turns around and it's RuPaul out of drag with no eyebrows on and just boy eyeliner in a turban and a robe. And he's QAnon. And I just felt like the edible hit. I was like, what? What?

What? That's great. It's the cast, which I love, from Reno 911. But when RuPaul entered the equation, I was like, did I write this movie? This is amazing. Yeah, that's crazy. That's awesome. It was so good. When is it? The movie...

It's on Paramount Plus. It just came out on Christmas. It's called Reno 911, The Search for QAnon, I believe. Do you have to be familiar with the show to really get the full enjoyment of the movie? No. No. I mean, it's a troupe of fairly inept police officers from Reno, Nevada, trying to find QAnon. Okay. Did you see Diana? No. Sorry to cut you off. Spencer? Spencer?

Who's Diane Spencer? Kristen Stewart movie, Princess Diana. It's called Spencer. Did you see it? No. Do people live? Certain people live. She didn't, unfortunately. You know, she died. Oh, yeah. But it's a lot of throwing up. There's a lot of bulimia. A lot of bulimia. A lot of time at the toilet, hugging the bowl. They really don't want her to be dead in Hollywood. They don't want Diana to be dead. They won't accept it.

They reanimate corpses. They're doing necromancy in Hollywood. Mama, I did it. They used this corpse as Diana on All Stars. I think let's just let the bitch rest. Let the bitch rest. People are obsessed with that. I've realized lately I have been so turned off by not gore, but it's body horror. For example, in this, she takes wire cutters.

And she snips her arm, like the flesh of her arm. I mean, not like... Is she doing self-injury? Yes. Trigger warning, self-injury. Trigger warning, self-injury. Because I have to tell you, as an... I...

I had such a visceral reaction. It's so deeply disturbing. It's why I had to walk out of the movie Teton, the French movie, because there was nipple biting. And I just like, I couldn't watch. I just couldn't watch it. And I love gore. I love gore in a horror movie. You know, chopping heads off. Love that shit. Love that shit. But like, it was so, and the sound design was so perfectly done that that snip, I was like, oh, it was like, I almost puked.

yeah which for you that's a lot yeah yeah well i can i i mean i don't listen i can see a lot of gore and feel nothing really wait i can also go to the funeral of a close friend and go to work the next day so like don't go by me do you know what i mean like don't go by me don't go i don't cry anything you're like eden i don't care she has never been moved to cry a lot i think and now i'm just like no

Yeah. We don't do that anymore. We don't do that here. My body, I drink too much. My body's like, we need this moisture. We need this hydration. Drink the tears. Oh, mama. I got big, juicy goblets. Big, juicy. I got big, juicy. I know. Tumbling. I love it. Do you think it's a release for you? Do you think it's like almost masturbatory? Like, oh, is it like? Not quite masturbatory, but it's certainly, I just, I love sensation. So I love feelings.

We're taking a break. We're taking a fucking break. We need a clean break from what you just said. So we can go back. And we're back. Are we in the studio today? Or is this your apartment? This is the studio, baby. Oh, it is the studio. Wow. Yeah, we're in the studio. And I have been, so I've been reupholstering my furniture, which is thrilling, by the way. Wait, are you doing this? Yeah, I'll show you a picture. It's fierce. That is so amazing. I think shit like that is so cool. A work.

Oh my God, you look like Fabio when he got hit in the face with that goose on that roller coaster. I got hit in the face by a goose. Yeah. By a goose. Goose in the face. I'm telling you, listen. So I got that cloud couch. It was the biggest purchase I ever made. $4,000 a couple years ago. It was a huge purchase. I was very scared. And it's the most comfortable couch I've ever sat on in my entire life. And everybody seems to be of that opinion. However, Mama She is bland and blah and ugly.

In a light gray. Yeah. So did you pick the color and then you change your mind or what? No, no, no. That's all they had available. That's the couch is people want gray stuff. People were like gray. They like white. It's gross. So I'm taking all these fabrics and I'm fucking that bitch up. And she's so fierce work. How are you doing it? I'm doing it with a sewing machine. I know. But have you done this before? Never one time. Not in my life. Never even made a pillowcase.

Are you just kind of like making like the pattern as you go? I'll show you. Sorry if I'm overly interested. I do think it's interesting. So this is one of the giant pillows. Uh-huh. I made it black. So that's like that. But then I'll show you pictures because it looks so fierce. It's like black and white checkered and then red and then – it's cute. Yeah. I was watching a Great British Baking Show, the Christmas edition, and Matt Lucas was hosting it who – and I just –

All I could see was myself. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. All I could see was myself. Hold on one second. Literally one second. Oh, my God. Totally. That's him, right? Yeah, entirely. For those of us listening on audio, it's... What is that? A rubber... Where do you get a rubber head like that? DapperCadavers.com. Oh. Yeah. What are they for? You know what they're for. Nobody's fucking that thing. My penis is only... Look. See? It's only that way. My penis... And I get a little tooth. I get a little tooth. No, um...

You have to. Honestly, you've got to watch Dune. I'm going to keep talking about it until you do it. I'll watch Dune. I'll watch it. I'll Dune out. Dune and bait. Duning and baiting. David's family is moving into a home in Palm Springs and it wasn't ready yet for move-in for holiday. So we spent the holiday at the presidential suite at the JW Marriott in Desert Springs. It was very difficult. That is. It was tough. Wow. That's really tough. I know.

It was beautiful and lovely. Room service every night. Love. What was the menu? What was the menu? It wasn't great, to be honest. Like, when a hotel's offering a cheese quesadilla, don't get it. When the hotel's offering spaghetti, don't get it. Really? No spaghetti? No spaghetti?

like when a hotel tries to call a pizza a flatbread i'm not oh it's a pizza mary that's a frozen piece of yeah yeah yeah mary but i was connected to a golf course and there's big you know what i did you know how to like to break rules but i said it you took a on the greens you took a on the greens oh no i wanted to run i wanted to run six miles and i didn't want to run down the street and you know the the golf courses have paths for golf carts

And there's big signs that say no pedestrian traffic. And I said, I looked to my left. I looked to my right. I said, what are they going to do? They're not going to be able to catch me. Not even those carts. And I ran six miles. Oh, you are bad. Oh, you are bad. You are bad. And you know what? The caucasity jumped out because all the people I saw were rich white families on Christmas vacation golfing. It was like hot skinny dads with like, you know, hot skinny 20 year old sons golfing. And I'm just like.

Wait, hot skinny. Oh, okay. It was like dad and son outings, like Caucasian wealth on display. I just don't know. No matter how much money I ever got, I wouldn't be golfing. That being said, Brandon got me tennis racket for my Christmas present. And now I want to learn tennis. Mama, tennis is over here. Golf is over there. That's what I think. Who is playing golf? Mama, ain't nobody playing golf. Golf is the only sport that has never factored into one of my sexual fantasies.

Think about it. Well, the outfits aren't doing them any favors. Nothing's doing... No one's golfing. No one's golfing. Tennis, though, is the one. Tennis is hot. Tennis is so hard. It's so hard. It's so impressive. It's so fantastic. It doesn't look easy. It's so difficult. It's so fucking hard. I think I'm going to get a real instructor. You should. There's... I have a great porn where the girl is getting private tennis lessons from the guy and he fucks her over the net. Mama, that shit is lit. Yeah.

Work. He's helping her on her serve and she's not wearing any panties, of course. You think I can get Sharapova? I would aim higher. What do you think she's priced at per hour? Serena. Let's do Serena. Yes. Yeah. Venus and for Serena. Martina Navratilova, get that good witch energy. David told me that Martina Navratilova's wife is on a Real Housewives franchise now. Oh. Really? Yeah.

I think so. You know, I like to come on this pod and say shit. Talk about not know what I'm talking about. I think you're right. I think I read that. Also, don't you think Courtney actually be on the Real Housewives? Real Housewives of Miami. To appear in Real Housewives of Miami. Her wife, Julia Lemagova, will be featured as part of the main cast. Cool. Lesbo drama. Let me put my hair up. Martina Navratilova. Is she Serbian? Wonder. Love the name.

Yeah, it's great. I love the name. I love people with a fun name. Navratilova. I love fun names. Well, if you're just tuning in, I've relocated to my couch. Yeah. I'm still on the same wooden toilet. So Navratilova, fun names. What were we saying? Oh, we just like Navratilova, fun name. You know? Fun name. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

resolutions, new year plans for the new year since... Oh, I know what I was going to say. I tried to watch this fucking comedy special, Yearly Departed, but it was so COVID heavy with the content. I had to turn that shit fucking right off. I don't want to hear about COVID. I don't. It's not interesting. It's not fun. It's not funny. I don't want it. We're still in it. It's like not it. I know. I don't want to hear people make jokes about Zoom. I know. When...

When One Night Only came out and then COVID hit, I remember thinking, oh, if I'd waited a month, I could have added a couple like jokes and made it like the first COVID special. And now I'm so happy I didn't because I'll watch it in five years and not be reminded of COVID. And yeah, like this, it's just locates it in this horrible, nasty, not very, it just, yeah, it's dated in the worst way.

It's yeah. It's just going to remind everyone of like a horrible time. I'm so over it though. I mean, I did get my booster and I did too. I don't fear getting ill. I don't fear getting sick. I fear getting sick and then having to shut down several productions that I'm on because. Hello. So everybody has COVID Mary. Everybody's got it. Everybody has COVID. I know. It's crazy. It's crazy. I know. But I guess they're saying that it's drastically less. You're a lot. People are a lot less sick, less symptomatic.

But I just worry about it making me miss work. I was going to say, it's like being in bed or having dozens of people not have a paycheck because you can't come in.

Right. Especially when I missed that day of Netflix and stuff. I missed, you know, I start to think. That was the worst day of my life. That was that. I don't think you realize what the impact that had on me. The responsibility I had to. It just, I just, I know that the tables have never been turned. So there's no possible way for you would understand that. And you know what's going to happen? Right before you and I have to take on the biggest undertaking of our lives, which is an international tour. COVID's going to disintegrate.

Oh, yeah. Right before I'm about to go back to bed for a year and say, maybe next year it's going to go. And just like that, COVID died. And just like that, COVID died. Oh, and just like that, Mary. And just like that. We got New Year's resolutions, mom. To be perfectly honest. To be perfectly, perfectly honest. No. I haven't resolved to do anything. I mean, I...

I aspire to be- Perfect don't need polish. Perfect don't need no polish. Sorry. And you know what? It's important to know when you can no longer improve. Thank you. For better or for worse. We know our limits. I want to do another marathon, obviously. That's great. But I honestly, if we're being honest, the full marathon took so much time at certain points of last year that I don't know schedule-wise if I can actually commit that many hours a week again.

I mean, on the weekends, I'd be running two or three hours. I don't know if I can do that with the schedule. So I think I might do half this year. Halfs are 13.

Half's great. That's great. I think 26 point whatever is verges on self-harm. That's just my unprofessional opinion. But, you know. That's what my David, you know, David was like, you don't need to be doing that. He was like, you do not need to be putting your body through that. You need to be working. And I'm like, yeah, I guess. Well, you don't need to be working. I mean, you don't need to be doing using that time working. Oh, you need to watch the Brittany Murphy documentary. And it's about her boyfriend, David.

Putting her in TV productions that he produces and forcing her to work. And I was like, sounds exactly how David Silver treats me. Micromanaging outfit. Like you're going to wear this and you're. I lost 17 pounds last year and I'm not saying I want to lose more weight, but I do not want to gain a single pound of it back. So that's, that's pretty up there for me. I want to keep DJing, but I guess if we're talking about like an actual goal, an actual goal, I don't have one.

No, great. No. We have to work all year. You and I have to tour literally until December. So who cares what we want? It has nothing to do with what's going to happen. What you want to do. What you want to do is not necessarily what you're going to do. Seriously. I guess my goal is to still like you at the end of this year. Yeah. And that's enough on my plate. My goal is not to be this. Wait, put the wig on him. Give him some dignity. That's me with your wig on. Like, I'm sorry.

Hi guys, sorry I'm late to the Zoom. I'm really excited to be here. Can she go on tour? Can she replace me, please? Please. What are your resolutions? You got any? Um, I do not... No. I don't got no fucking... Quit smoking. Always. That's always the one. So what's the strat there? Oh, there's no strategy, mama. It's a goal. I mean, sorry, it's a resolution.

For a goal, you have strategy. If quitting smoking is point Z and you're at point A, do you have any idea what the middle points will be? Yeah. You got B, C, D, E, F, G. And that's T. I mean, because some people, they replace it with like... No, no replacing. No replacing. You do not replace. You cannot replace. You just stop.

No, I mean, I'm not smoking right now. I'm not smoking right now. I should be. You know what I mean? I'm not smoking right now. I look behind you and I see two cigarettes in the ashtray. Why don't you start vaping or not vaping? You know how they do. But that's replacing. That's replacing. That's replacing. We don't want to do that. But you know how marijuana people put their marijuana in a vaporizer and then they just sit in the room. Why don't you do that with cigarette smoke? That could be fun.

Just hotbox yourself. I'll just reek. I won't get any of the benefits, all the drawbacks. You'll just smell. Yeah. No, I don't want to smoke on tour. It's going to make your life so much harder if you do. It's going to make the show really hard. And if you quit now, give your body a few months, your lungs will be in a completely different place. I only need 30 days and that shit will be like

Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm in good physical shape. I just have no endurance because of the cardiovascular. Do you know what I mean? Girl, you don't want to be huffing and puffing to the point of blackout every night. You don't. Let me tell you, it's going to happen. Huffing and puffing and wheezing. I'll be a little wheezy. Miss Wheezy over there. Trying to be sexy. Pig died. Pig died. If you drop dead on stage, I am going to say that.

I really need you to. I really need. And I would love to die on stage. I mean, I don't want to die on stage, but I don't want to traumatize the people, but that'd be kind of fun. No, no. Are you kidding? That's when I was up on those wires that one time in drag, it crossed my mind. What if this is how I die? And wouldn't that be iconic? It would be the best thing ever. It'd be so fierce. It'd be so fierce. It'd be even fiercer if nobody got photos.

Like nobody got video that nobody and it's just like it's just like a tale like you were there Let me tell you how it happened like large Marge. It was the worst That's what people are gonna say about our tour. It was the worst accident I ever seen speaking of we have to start rehearsing that like soon like in I know almost I know Mary it's it's imminent the the you and I need to have a you and I need to have a in-person read through of that script

I know Eden and I just read through it, the complete thing, the other day, a couple days ago. And it's in a good spot. It's in a good spot. It still needs work, but we can punch it up together. Reading through the script is not my favorite activity. Girl, how do you think I enjoyed writing it?

I know. Not fun either. I know. Not fun. And I only co-wrote it. I'll sit here and read Stephen King It for a third time, but I won't read my own script to my own show that I have to perform. It's hard. It's hard. It's really difficult and you have to make it funny. Yes, it's a hard cycle. It has to be funny. Yeah.

You like self-judge it. And you know, but they say you can't create and edit at the same time. So you just got to go by that. You got to just spit it out. I know. But when you go back to the spit bucket and you try to sift through all the shit and there ain't no gold in there, it's a little tough. I don't, that never happened to me. Oh my God. Do you want to tell the viewers that you're, that you're decorating your house? Hi. Hi viewer. Yes. Actually, I want to show you, um, damn it. I wish I had some, um,

Motherfucker. I wish I had a picture, but it's so cute. Literally, it went from like, it is move that bus. That is like went from drab to fab. It's so fierce. The place is looking so cute. How long is it going to take till you're done? It'll probably be done before tour. It'll have to be done before tour. Probably two more months. Mama wallpaper. It's tough. Although, although, although. We're not like blasting. We're not taking out walls or anything like that.

Oh, okay. That's not so bad then. It's just painting wallpaper and a little more furniture items and fixtures. It's a rental. It's like, how much do you really want to dramatically change it? I know. I know. And it's an expensive one. You better like that place and never leave. I fucking love it. I love it. Every time I open the door, I open the door and I go...

You wake up smiling. You wake up smiling. I do. It's so fierce. It's so fierce. Well, happy New Year's, everybody. Hope you have a lovely New Year and Merry Christmas. I'm having a very low-key New Year because everything's canceled. You know what I'm going to do? And this is sad.

What I'm going to go in that drag room, probably turn on a movie and spend days in there reorganizing drag. I just need it. I love that. But that's so we're going to do a deep clean for the new year in the studio. Like pussy, like legs in the stirrups, speculum going in and we're going to rotor route that shit. Yeah. Because Brandon has off for the week and I'm going to get that room to a point where when he comes back, I go like, this is what it looks like. And this is what we need to keep it like. Period. Period.

So if anybody wants to come by and clean, my home address is... I'll be sure to share the door code with them. Thank you. Yeah. Before we go, did you hear about my costume that got stolen from my house? I just had a package stolen from my house too. My studio. I couldn't believe it. My poor costumer. That jacket was so fierce. That was so fierce.

She told me, she said, if it was really stolen, I'm going to cry. And I felt so bad telling her that I saw video footage of someone coming in the building and stealing it. Yeah. You were stopped. There's footage? Uh-huh. There's footage because there's a camera in the mailroom. Just came in, grabbed it and left. Was it the only package they took?

No, they took two others. But like, what does a size 16 men's build female jacket? What value does it have to anyone? Mama, it's the holidays. They're doing Christmas. They're doing the holiday haul. Also, they didn't know what was in it. No, no, no. They're going house to house, Mama. It's the holiday haul for thieves. I know. The Citizen app or whatever has been like going off being like, yeah, bitch. Everyone's getting their packages stolen. Yeah.

I don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'm moving, honestly. Yeah. Well, maybe you should... Well, it seems like you have a really nice place. I'll just bring some clothes and... Listen, we got to pull out this studio. We have a pullout now and the shower's functional. That water pressure, yank it right off. I'll wait till it's reupholstered.

Okay, bye. Okay, happy new year. Goodbye.