Nellie the Potato-Faced Humpty B*tch with Trixie and Katya
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I want to first talk about Nelly from, I want to first talk about Nelly, not the one with the bandaid, not Nelly Patata. I'm like a bird. Okay. I want to talk about Nelly like from little house in the Prairie in a wheelchair flying down a mountain. Oh,

That's all I want to talk about. Do you have 45 minutes to talk about it? I have 45 days to talk about it. Between you, Amy Sedaris, like Devin Green, someone's always sharing it. And every time it comes up, I'm like, thank God. It's never not good. It's never not good. It's always time for a cocktail. It's always time for that video. Yeah. I love, I love that video. I love that video. The screaming. Yeah.

It must be a dream sequence or something within the show because I don't think they would let kids do something so violent. No, no, no, no. That was a documentary. That was a documentary produced by the BBC about life in rural Kansas. Did you ever see Little House on the Prairie? I have never. I always get confused because I always think, oh, that guy, the dad died of AIDS.

But that was of course the Brady Bunch. No, but the dad in Little, I mean, the dad in the Brady Bunch is cute. Yeah. Oh, but the dad in the Little House is gorgeous. He's a two-fist. He's a devourer's cute. Exactly. A two-hander. He was so handsome. Oh, stunning. Thick, glossy brown hair, if I'm remembering correctly. Yeah, beautiful. And run your fingers through it. And, oh, I'm not going to lie. When the daughter goes blind and opens a school for the blind with her blind boyfriend, she

Cause there's a lot of illnesses and stuff like on the prairie. Yeah. She, she has vision and then loses her vision and then opens the school for the blind and she overcomes. It's, it's really sweet. What about, um, what would you do if you lost your hearing? Yeah. You know, I've thought about this a lot because, Oh, I'm so sorry. For example, I wouldn't advance with that. I would have been more present. That would have been nice. Let's take a break. No.

I'm going to push you up. Push me down in the wheelchair, please. If you ever push me down a hill in a wheelchair. No, when? I want the Victorian wicker one that they have. Oh, because it's like the prairie one. Yes. Remember Nightmare on Elm Street 3? Remember the one with all the spikes? Yes. That was really crazy. That would be my wheelchair. Sure. That would be my wheelchair. That was really... That's a lot, Robyn. Yeah.

Honestly, Robin, if you're not going to come to come to, I've got a resolution here. You can leave it half your color on. I was just thinking about that yesterday. Robin.

Robin. That was a lot, Robin. That was wild. Oh my God. That's like a, that it's a Sharon. Her name is Sharon. I follow her on Tik TOK. The real, the real stylist that is comes directly after the wheelchair flies up down the hill. Wow. Robin. Robin. You know what I fucking can't take right now. I hit you so hard. I'm so hard. I can't fucking take it. Are you watching these? Do you get in this, the algorithm of, of,

doing their consultations on camera? Miss Honeyfaggot. Let me tell you something, bitch. Miss Nelly Honeyfaggot. Sit down in your wickered...

descending wheelchair and start screaming. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. So like there's a TikTok camera here, a phone, I believe they're called TikTok cameras. Yeah. Yeah. AKA a phone. Yes. And it's always someone seated. By the way, you haven't said anything about my light seafoam green fishnets.

Okay, pluck my eyes out because color me colorblind. Yeah, look at the top. Steve Bum. That's your man. Look at the screen. That's mine. Wait, wait. Are you fucking with me? No, look at the camera. They are a little blue. Do you see it? Color coordination. Yes. It's called yes and. Oh, no. Can we start over? No, just kidding. You do that. You're so brave with that gloss.

I just tried this lipstick on today. I'm always trying new stuff and this is a little glossy for me. Yeah. But I thought... Well, because the hair's not swinging. Right. It'll be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought on camera it would make my lips look like wet pussy lips. South mouth. That everyone would want to fuck. Oh,

Let's go back to the leg. Yeah. Your leg. W-Y-O apostrophe R-E. And if you're a fan of this one, guess what? You got to double your pleasure. Why have one when you can have two twice the price? Although I read on a chronic pain Reddit that you're not supposed to cross your legs ever. Oh my God. You're absolutely fucking right. So I think women should be manspreading. This used to be sexy. Ladies on the subway. Yeah.

Yeah. All my ladies pop. Yeah. This is what we should be doing. Okay. Listen, I'll say it. I've said it 365,000 times. We don't squat enough in the West. It's true. It's true. Squatting is awesome. Stretching is important. We're not supposed to do this. Why do you think, like, let me tell you something I've never told you before. So I've had hip problems.

I can't believe you're opening up like this. I know, I know. It took... It required... I mean, the vulnerability and the bravery for me to say something that I've never said before is pretty impressive. But this is a huge antagonist. Huge antagonist. Huge. It is. Big mistake. Huge. What's tough about it is nobody said that...

a decade of splits with no stretching and hard drug use would lead to osteoarthritis. No, no, it was just the crossing. None of the other stuff, none of those other things you mentioned, which ordinarily would be a major factor. But in a way it was the crossing.

The cross-dressing. The cross-dressing. The cross-dressing. The cross-dressing over John Edwards. From now on, it is... From now on. From now on. It is crossing over with Melissa Edwards. That is what drag is. Crossing over with Melissa Edwards. She's a full cross. A full crossy. Well, Crossy Easter, the original cross-dresser. Who's Crossy Easter? Jesus Christ.

She did have long hair. She had long hair. She was bundled. Quick weave. Yeah. She bundled. She was gowns, gowns, entourage. They say robes. I say caftan. Thank you. So wait, have you been watching Curb? Oh, like outside, like standing on the sidewalk and just looking at the side of the road? Yeah. Hours a day. Hours a day. Because when I'm out there on the corner-

Sucking cock. What else am I supposed to watch? And when I have that big cock in my mouth, that big, hateful, uncut, nasty, linty thing, I look out the corner of my eyes at the curb and I go, that big old bean-eaten, hateful... No, but I have a crush on curb. I want to become a curb person.

Are we talking about the same thing? Yeah, I've only seen a couple episodes in my life. Oh my God. I mean, you got to get into this gig. Well, Susie Green in the show has a, she's got a thing about, she makes a caftan, she has a caftan business and it's a pun that,

I don't understand what it is, but now that you're not on board, this can't really go anywhere. Well, can I go back to the hair consultations? So they film people and they go, hi, my pronouns are she, her, whatever. And they make the person in the chair say it, which is lovely. Fine. Great. Love it. Love it. Love it. And you know what? If you have your conservative clients, your liberal clients are like, it's actually they, him. Thank you. Your conservative client will go, my pronouns are kiss my ass. That's fun and everyone wins. Yes. And nobody doesn't like that.

Everyone loves it. It's so fun. It's classic. It's original. It's always right on time. Yeah. And it doesn't ruffle any feathers ever. No, no, no, no, no. Love it. But I also love, there's a new, there's a new, there's a new,

Not faggot, but there's a new word. Nelly? No. Can you look up the new gender word? Wait, are you joking? No, no, no. It's called like FAFSA, but I know that that's for student loans. But it's something like that. What? Emulgigender? Get the FAFSA off the screen. I'm not doing that. Honey, when I was applying for student loans...

That process of a FAFSA, I really was 17 going, do I really want to go to college? A hundred. It is, it is like, it's absolutely, what do you call that? A gatekeeping? A hundred percent. And I remember filling out that FAFSA thinking if college is anything like this, the way I am dropping out, I think the FAFSA was harder than college. A hundred percent. Well, I mean, I'll never forget a therapist. I've had this therapist years ago who's like, the hardest thing about getting into Harvard was getting into Harvard.

No, sorry. The hardest thing about Harvard was getting into Harvard. It's like so prohibitive. FAFSA is a labyrinthine maze of bureaucratic nonsense. Yeah. Horrible. Horrible. So when they do the consultation, they go, can I touch you? Which I get it. I get it.

But how are we going to cut and color hair without touching people? Are we doing telekinesis? Can I touch you? What if the person goes, oh, there's touching involved in this? Absolutely not. I thought you were going to whisper from about six meters distance and then my hair was going to turn. I know it's a formality, but it's those moments where I'm full. Am I red state? Yeah. I'm like, can I touch you? Yeah. Can I touch you there? Michael Bolton. Do you know that one?

Can I touch you there? No. Is that a song? Michael Bolton. Tell me how am I supposed to live?

Would you fuck Michael Bolton? Yeah. The boys. Long hair, short hair. Which do you prefer? Short. Short. Yeah, me too. Yeah. It was cause it's, it was always hard. You know, people have been sharing the perennial share of my, of, of me versus Brian, you know, in the seventies is going around and he had a very receding hairline with a long, long, long shag. Sure. And we look exactly the same. You do. Yeah. So I'm tempted to glue a few tracks in on the bottom around like, um, what you call it? Um, uh,

Mr. Burns. Sure. Except long, long, long and just really let the kids have it. Play a keyboard. Well, I don't know if you followed your presence online for the last 10 years. There's not a shortage of photos of you out of makeup with the wig on. There's more pictures of you with no makeup on with the wig on than there is in drag. Damn.

But I still gonna get those tracks. Will you do it? May I ask you if like hot glue the tracks to your head? Absolutely. We got to get a TikTok camera though. And then I'm going to ask if we have to reveal it. Like love is blind though. Like a door slides open and I don't know who reacts to you. God, anyone, the guy from little house. Okay. Either he's not with us anymore or he's the oldest living person at this point. Cause that was like 40 years ago now. Yeah. He's always with us.

I loved that show. I've never seen, I gotta, I gotta go back. I mean, there's so many, I gotta go back. That's that and the Brady Bunch I have to revisit. Nothing touches the Brady Bunch. I know. I'm sure. You know, I never got why I loved it. And this is dark. And I'm sure this is why a lot of people loved it. I was watching it and David was like, why do you like this show? And I said, I honestly think it was such a fun house reverse of my family life that I, it was, it was amazing.

Yeah, of course. It was flawless. Family problems that could be solved in 30 minutes. Same thing with, I mean, you know, the Cosby show. Right. Well, yeah. I loved the Cosby show. I used to watch it every day after school. Well, some of those problems took a lot longer to solve ultimately. Also, I mean, the revelation, that was pretty shocking. Let's take a break.

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I have something to share with you that I just think is crazy. I just have something crazy. Shangela Merkel. I need you to hear this. This drag, you know, I think in the wake of, in the wake of a mandatory meeting, I think it's going to usher in a new and exciting age of ridiculous drag names.

Okay. Right? Not Anita Bump. Not corny. No, no Anitas. I'm sorry. No, my- Anita Wiglet. Anita Bump. Anita Cocktail. We're not doing that. I know Anita. She's a lovely person, but- I need a career change. Thank you. I need a new name. But I need you to hear this one because I can't fucking take it. Okay? I need you to hear it and take it inside you. Okay. Is that a TikTok phone or a regular phone? This is a TikTok camera. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can't believe I called a phone a TikTok camera. Well, you've graduated.

So you need to hear this. You completed your FAFSA. I'm Tara Dickoff. This is... Like, get me... I'm in the wheelchair. I'm Tara Dickoff. This is... Tara Dickoff? Can you make that a ringtone? Is that still a thing? I'm Tara Dickoff. Hi, I'm Tara Dickoff and this is the BBC World Service. Tara Dickoff. At first it offended me. I like... And now you love it. At first I was like, Kris Jenner with that laptop, like, hmm, and just closing the laptop. I'm Kris Jenner with the gun. And then it kind of marinated. Like an hour later I was like...

I mean, I want to do it again. Do it again. Say it again, girl. Tara Dickoff. I'm Tara Dickoff. I just love that. I, my brain fills in the rest with I'm Tara Dickoff. And this is, uh, the, you know, 60 minutes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And I'm live on the scene with, uh, that's funny. Tara Dickoff. Well, there was a Katya Cockoff.

Oh. Or there is. She's not. She's still with us. Well, that's a little more surgical. Yeah. There's a blade involved tearing a dick off, like grabbing it and pulling it off. Well, it's like, oh, God. It's like in that... And leaving the balls. Oh, yeah. Well, no. Who was telling me about it? I guess in the human... Was it the human centipede? It was something. One of those horrible movies that my friend Gage worked on. They had to do a whole one take with the balls and the dick and just literally...

Yeah, it was really gross. Really gross. I think they were through the legs from the back. Were there prosthetics? Yeah. It was like really...

But it was like fierce how they did it. By the way, why did I ask? Was it prosthetics? You're like, no, no, they were real. It was a little documentary. Yeah. That's what put them in the wheelchair. What do you think about the kink people who are into eating people? Cannibalism? Not cannibalism. Oh. But like swallowing someone whole. That's like a kink people have is that they have a big pregnant belly with a person in there. Oh, that's funky. That's funny.

That's funky. Funky and wild. Yeah, that's funky. Well, because it's not real, right? I mean, it's like, that's pure fantasy. Yeah. Like, so I don't see anything wrong with that. I think it's fine. Yeah, it's like, um. Because you're not going to be able to swallow a person whole. No, no. So it's really a victimless crime. It's a victim. It's just, it's just flights of fancy. I mean, if, um, I mean, think about it this way. They make little baby dolls that go to the bathroom.

That to me is more, that's jail. That to me is more, it's not jail. I think that to me is more shocking than the fantasy of consuming somebody whole. Are they chewing them up?

No, they're whole. They're like whole and they're like being carried like a baby. Oh, I love that. Because it's like the guy who was in the whale stomach for like, you know, an hour or something. Oh. Tara Dickoff. No, the guy in the whale. It was Brendan Fraser. Oh my God. That's how he got the job on the whale. He was in a whale. And they were like, are you going to do some acting? And he said, as soon as I fucking get out of this whale. Because it was an invisible whale.

Do you know how much of the ocean is unexplored? Mama, don't get me started about Miss Ocean, Miss Danny Ocean. It's so many leagues. I think leagues is the terminology. Absolutely. There are species we don't know about. Giant squids that we don't know. We have no business down there. Bioluminescence. We have no business down there. We got no business. Bioluminescence, of course, just talk about that. Just Googling and like fright gooning at the Drake Passage videos on YouTube again. Girl. It's...

I just...

Why? Why? We have no business. No business. And of course I'm, I'm Googling, you know, get on the rabbit hole of natural disasters. Can't stay away from the 2004 tsunami. Can't stay away from it. What do you, what's compelling about it to you? It's what's compelling is that it's just so easy. I mean, I can just put myself in that situation so clearly, so quickly, so easily because you're, you're like, you're browning your, your tanned gross white body on this. You don't see a huge wave coming. No, no, no, no. It comes out of nowhere. It,

comes out of nowhere it's like oh okay like the the waves are going just so and then all of a sudden there's a slightly bigger wave and then the the um the tide is getting pulled out remarkably um uh further and then before you know it the water just fucking rushes and 220 000 people do you know what it was what it was um tara dickoff jumping into the i don't know

No, like not to be dumb about science. How does a tsunami manifest some, okay. Earthquake. Because how does a wave like that come out of nowhere? So an earthquake I think happened off of the coast of, I don't know. Cause there was that, there's a plate or there's, what do you call that? There's a fault line around the Pacific or something. I don't forget. But anyway, I was like, it was, there was a big, big earthquake and then it was, oh my God, that is just terrifying. Terrifying. The terrifier. That's the terrifier. Yeah. Did you see the Naomi Watts movie?

It's terrifying. You know, I'm assuming not to be ignorant. I'm assuming no matter how great of a swimmer that's out the window at that. Well, yeah, because what's going on swimming is helping you. Not, not necessarily because I mean, certainly it would help, but when you're, so you're in the water, you know, what's in the water cars, cars,

Broken glass? Debris? Sharks? I think, honestly, sharks are probably the least of your worries. It's more likely you will get, like, I don't know, washed into a building and stuck in there as it fills up. Exactly. Or like, you will be, yeah, or a car will hit you underwater. God. And break your legs off. Crazy. Crazy. We do live pretty close to the ocean. Yeah. And also, like, I'm constantly reminded that we're due for the big one.

Like just in terms of the timing. It would have to be big though because I have slept through every single earthquake since I moved here eight years ago. I know. The only ones that I felt are the ones I feel like, oh, the guy upstairs is like just fell over, like fell off the bed or something. Exactly. And I learned it was an earthquake. But like the one in the Northridge one in whatever, 19 something, like that was so big and that's like we're due. Oh, God.

If you were going to die in a natural disaster, what do you realistically think? Because, you know, remember I survived a tornado. Which is truly, truly terrifying. Truly terrifying. Yes, but I lived. And what do you think it would be? I guess because we live in LA, an earthquake. Yeah. Is a plane going down a natural disaster? I think, I mean, planes never go down. Yeah, it's like. They do in the small planes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like JFK Jr. And the more famous you and I get.

Oh my God, girl. It's more likely you die in the car on the way to the airport. Absolutely. Absolutely. People should be more appropriate. I'm always tickled. I've said it a million times, but I'm always like perplexed when people are like, I'm so afraid of flying. It's like, you should be afraid of taking the Uber from to the airport or wherever. Yeah. That should be, that should terrify you. Although the traffic in LA is so bad, we're not going fast enough to get injured. I couldn't even get whiplash traffic on the way to the airport. Oh, sure. But I mean like that, I'm,

The one-on-one was on the one-on-one yesterday. Mad Max, Fury Road, Mad Max, Fury Road, Mad Max, Furiosa. I just go, I see them driving and I go pills. Oh, that's pills. Drunk. That's snorting pills. Drunk. Drunk. Fully drunk. 11 a.m. Anytime of the day. Anytime of the day. And it's like, so you would try to avoid rush hour and you're like, okay, I'm going to avoid rush hour. In a way it's like you're almost safer in rush hour because you can't go that fast.

Do you know what I mean? But like, oh, it's absolutely Mad Max Furiosa. It's the terrifier. Do you like Rush Hour the movie with Jackie Chan? Yeah, and Chris Tucker. Is Chris Tucker...

I wish because Miss Ruby from Fifth Element, she eats. Oh, she's ultra, ultra, ultra gay. Who would play? Todrick could play her. I was going to say, absolutely. Todrick could play her. She's very tiny. She's very tiny. Do you know that guy, Nick, who does Kleptora, the Dora the Explorer, who steals? No. Kleptora, that's funny. Yeah. That's fierce. You know, Jean-Paul Gaultier designed all those costumes.

In the fifth element. That animal print and the version of it that's all red roses. Oh, so good. So cunty. And then Plava Laguna. Plava Laguna. Girl. She eats. And obviously Mila Jovovich, the white bandage outfit. I know. Imagine though, like the, that would be so stressful. Like as an actress to like, she's in that pretty much the whole movie. And Bruce Willis is hot. He's got little blonde hair.

Jerkin Jerkin Jerkin absolutely hot sexy and Gary Oldman yes Gary Oldman the makeup in that movie is cunty it's cunty those big monsters with the amazing obviously the Diva Laguna that makeup's amazing yeah that movie it's just amazing the scope of it the music Luc Besson it gives it's so good did you see Lucy

Did you see Lucy? He did that Lucy one, the weird Scarlett Johansson as a drug mule and it explodes in her body. Oh, it's so crazy. I mean, it's stupid. Did you watch The Island?

I don't think so. With Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson and they live in a colony that they're being told that they're like the last survivors, whatever. And then they escape and find out it's the future and celebrities have paid for versions of themselves to exist for organs to harvest. Oh, Jesus Christ. Damn. If you had the money, would you clone yourself to have organs for harvesting? Like Barbra Streisand? Well, she has a mall in her basement, which I think is a better use of the money. No, but she cloned her dog, I think.

I think she cloned her dog. Yeah, yeah. She cloned her dog. She said, I cloned my dog. My dog woke up and I said, hello, gorgeous.

So when are you going to just become a Barbra Streisand impersonator? That's what everybody wants to know. Before the parade passes by. No, that's so bad. I was like, what is that? What is that, girl? Hello, I'm Barbra Streisand. Hello, I'm Barbra Streisand. What is that? That's pretty good. Barbra Streisand. I think of the nails. You're going to do the nails. Barbra Streisand. I'm Barbra Streisand. I'm just going to come in here and sing a song. You know what I mean? I love the nailography of the nailography. Also, a crippling stage fright. Crippling.

That makes sense because every time she goes on stage, she hits the ground. Her legs keep on. And she hits the ground and her nails just twitching. I think she's really, you know, it's funny. You know how everybody in LA has had a nose job or anywhere, anywhere, you know, not her. You know, David was watching the other day. What was he watching? Funny Girl. Yeah. And by the way, he's going to sleep. He's going to sleep. He's going to sleep.

Don't wait until my parade starts. And I swear to God, he woke up out of a dead sleep and watched it and went back to sleep. That's gay. Gay, gay, gay. Do you know, are you familiar with her oeuvre? Yeah. I mean, of course I've seen Hello Dolly. Okay. You know, and that's about it. Meet the Fockers. Oh, that's right. She plays the mom of Ben Stiller, right? Yes. Like she's a, they're like hippie dippy, right? Yes. She's like a healer. Yeah, yeah. Like a sex therapist. Love. With no boundaries. Love. I gotta, I gotta see that one. I haven't, I don't think I've seen it all the way through.

But I'm watching her in, we're watching her in Funny Girl. Okay. And I hope Barbara's not listening to this. I feel like the discourse is always that she's not good looking. I'm watching this going, what are you talking about? She is so beautiful. But like, it's like Liza. She's not like a sex pot, right? But they're gorgeous and they're super, super talented. I think that's like the main thing. Her voice is crazy. Her hair in that movie is crazy.

In which one? Her hair in Funny Girl? What is that? Her makeup, it's like the 60s Sophia Loren. Oh, yeah, cunty. Her skin, all of it. I'm like, she looks fucking great. She sounds great. She's like, oh, legend. If you had to be one of those classic divas who's still alive, who would you transform into? At their age or at their... At any age, any age at all. I'd be Monica Bellucci.

Who's that? She's an Italian actress. She was in Bram Stoker's Dracula, which I just watched last night as one of the brides. She's probably the most beautiful woman in the entire world. Oh my God. You want to go for Dracula 2000? Dracula 2000? Remember that movie? No. Dracula. Dracula 2000. No. Dracula 2000? What was that? It's a Dracula movie from the year 2000. What happens in that? Dracula is alive in the year 2000. I thought it was implied.

You're like, what happens in that? I'm like, well, a young woman gets a job at a law firm and she sues PG&E. She pulls her boobs up in a tiny little bra. Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics, to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later. Do you have Verizon? I think so, yeah. You ever been to a Verizon premium retailer? No. Because there's Verizon, which is, hi, it's Verizon. It's Verizon. This is a real Verizon. Verizon premium retail retailer.

Run by Jesse Pinkman of Breaking Bad. What do you mean? Crooks. Crooks. Oh, they gag you. Uneducated crooks. They gag you. They grift you. What happened? I went there to get my phone turned on because I had AppleCare. Yeah. And my phone broke and I had to go get the replacement. Yeah, yeah. $50. That's not much money. To get it turned on. I already pay. How much for phone service? $80 a month? $100 a month? Oh my God, I know. So now I'm paying to have the service...

It's horrible. It's horrible. Am I a Nicky fan? No. T-Mobile will open my legs and eat my pussy. On the curb. On the curb. While pushing you down. On the curb. Verizon. And I kind of feel like after all these years, like I've been with Verizon like 10 years. Where's the loyalty bonus? Where's like the, the appreciation? And they said to me, and I had so much trust. Yeah. And they said to me, they said to me,

"How much do you pay for..." They said, "Let me ask you, how much do you pay for your internet?" And I said, "Here we go." You know what, I'm a salesman myself. I like to see what you got. Because as good as I am at selling things, I am ironclad.

When it comes to entering me, I got sutures. My pussy's stitched shut. All right? So I'd love to see you try, honey. She goes, what are you paying for your internet? And I go, all right. I'm in a kind of good mood. My new arthritis medicine's working. Love. So now I'm open to conversation. Yeah. I've turned back into a nice person. Yeah.

And she goes, I go, oh yeah, it's like, God, a spectrum. Spectrum internet is, I'm not kidding. I don't want to put spectrum on blast. My spectrum is like at least a hundred dollars a month. It's crazy. Yeah. Spectrum's fucking crazy. All of it is awful. Spectrum's fucking crazy. Do you have cable? Do you have cable? Like what do you get? Nothing. Just internet. Just internet. Oh, that's the robbery of it. That's the robbery. Like it's, I don't understand any of that crap. I think it's like 120. Crazy. Grifters. And because we do content creation. Mm-hmm.

I try to pay for the best internet so I can either send large files, stuff like that. And she goes, okay, great. And by the end of it, I'm checking out, I'm getting my little phone case, my clear phone case, because even though this is the titanium iPhone 15, you can still smash it apparently. Love. I got camera covers to protect the cameras and they put a privacy screen thing on there. So now I can look at hardcore porn on the phone. On the plane or on the subway. I can use my TikTok camera to look at dicks.

I love it. By the way, on a plane, I feel like if you look at my camera, you see what you see. You're peeping. Yeah, absolutely. I don't like that I looked in your windows and saw you naked in the bathtub. And saw you showing hole. Right. Yeah, fierce.

And she goes, okay, well, let me ask you. And I tell her how much. And she goes, all right, I got you. This is what I got you on. I got you. It's going to save you this much a month. I said, great. She said, and you're going to have all these channels and you're going to have a second phone line. A second. You want a second phone line? I'll send you home with the router today so you can get it all hooked up. And I said, and? But that was, she went from how much do you pay for internet to like all of that. And I said, you have skipped some steps in the salesmanship. Yeah. Griftina. You got at least three.

At least ask me if I want a cup of coffee. You had to take me out to dinner first. Something. Fuck. And by the end I said, oh. Did you just pull the plug right then and there or no? Yeah. She goes, well, you have an outdated plan. So if I give you this, if I put your, if I put you on this plan with cable, it's actually less. Okay. And I said, well, is there a plan with no cable that's less? Yeah. Cause I would like that miss honey. Which is saying? Cause I'm with David Silver. Yeah. We have every TV service there is. Okay. Oh, right. Right. Right. You got like ESPN 16. Wow.

We have golf in Japan from space. We have all of it. So I was like, and she was, so I felt bad striking down the hand of a strong career woman, but I said, I just don't want more cable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what'd you do? She said, what TV shows do you watch? I said, nothing. I don't really watch TV. I don't. And so I said like, sometimes on YouTube, I watch back episodes of Trading Spouses. Do you have something for that?

Damn. They can't get you. They can't get me. They can't get you. Ungettable. You can't game a gamer. You can't play a player. You can't, you can't, um, my God. Miss Easter basket. Miss Easter basket. Yeah. Is Easter your favorite holiday? What is your favorite holiday? I mean, Christmas, obviously. Christmas. Yeah. Nothing beats Christmas. I know. The rebirth of Jesus. I like when he dies. Wait, Christmas is his birthday. Christmas is his, well, I mean, it's. When does he die? He doesn't, no, he dies around, um,

Wait, he dies on Good Friday, right? What's so good about it? Well, because it becomes good retroactively. He's only dead three days?

Yeah. What's so fucking impressive about that? Well, it's not like he was bones in the mummy. Well, I mean, but he was definitely, they, they, they went in on a Saturday with the defibrillators. Of course they went on, they went on Sunday with the, um, with the, um, what do you call that? The, um, the, uh, the, the Pulp Fiction adrenaline needle that didn't work. And then, um, they just let him be on Monday and then, or, um, uh,

Did he crawl out of a grave? I'm not being funny. No, no, out of a cave. Cave. Cave. There was a big stone. You know, it was pretty fierce. It's pretty fierce. Yeah. It's pretty fierce. It's like a tombstone. Well, you know, it was pretty fierce. I don't think he was dead.

I think it was this. That's what it was. A faker, faker, goodness faker. In the Romeo and Juliet, they take the potion to seem dead. You don't think Jesus could play dead? I think Jesus was the ultimate. He was doing community theater. Right. Community theater. He was doing Jesus Christ Superstar. I don't even think he really existed.

But that's just me. I think he was like, they just made up a whole thingy. I think he was a queer POC, a sapphic envy. Well, he actually was a, what do you call it? A Verizon premium. He was a model for one of those TikTok haircut videos. He came in after he died. He went and sat in a chair and some girl was like, can I touch your hair? And he's like, well, have you, yeah.

And he said, she's like, so you're back to life and we want to see the new you. What about some front foils here? But we're going to maintain the integrity of the hair. Now I have to ask you, Jesus, is there box dye in the hair or was it professionally done? Thank you. These are the questions that true Christians are not even willing to ask. But what's a true Christian? A true Christian is someone who can, who can, I think someone who can be wheeled down a hill in a wheelchair and then get hit by a tsunami and still live.

Not die. I think if you're a real Christian, you should be able to pick the real Santa out of a lineup of mall Santas. Oh my God. Have you read, do you get into Santa porn? Let's take a break. Santa porn? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like a genre, like holiday porn. He like comes down the chimney and you catch him and he's like, no, usually, usually it's mall Santa. It's mall Santa. Like a group of, um, group of 18 year old boys.

I meant like not little boys. A group of 18 year old boys celebrating a birthday. No, no. Like, like it's not, you know, I swear to God. Do you have a private plane that you want to fly out of the country? Is your last name Epstein? My God. I still, every once in a while, not every once in a while, probably like once a day, twice a day. I think of Stephen Hawking on Epstein jet and I just can't get enough. I don't think it was true by the way. But anyway, back to, back to mall Santa. It's, it's the sitting on the lap.

Hawking? Yeah. I mean, I don't know if he was... Like Steve Jobs rich? Not... I mean, he had to have been very wealthy. I mean, he was... He must have been. Right. Yeah. I mean, that chair was very expensive.

Well, I mean, it is. It's not like... I meant like, I know he was super smart, but did he like invent something or was he like a CEO of something? I actually don't know what this person was doing. I don't know. I don't think there's any way to figure it out either. 20 million. Yeah, see? Girl, 20 million? Yeah. You don't have to go to an island. If he rolled in here, I was like...

Well, apparently somebody there was so yesterday, somebody that we both know said I told a story about a notorious figure in the press getting a BJ at the Cannes Film Festival. And he described it as the girl of the young model that was going to town.

Going to town like crazy. Going to town. Which is different than the laws on the prairie because then going to town was like a full half day thing. Oh my God. And all the, I mean, they don't talk enough about the jostling and the carriage because that was like wreaked havoc on your, your, um, on your joints. But it was great because when I wanted to get pregnant, I would get on top of my husband. Oh,

On the way to get- And then we would just ride to town and no one has to do anything. That's true. You're on your way to get your bag of sundries and victuals. Yeah. Do you like the word victual? What is that? I'm not really sure. Okay.

Do you believe that if you want to get pregnant, you can do like lay on the ground, legs up, that type of shit with the cum in you? I mean, that's what, that's what, if these walls could talk part two would have us believe when Sharon Stone and Ellen DeGeneres played a lesbian couple who were trying to get artificially inseminated. Right. Sharon Stone, you saw it, right? Yes. Sharon Stone, never forget the wacky like a wife. And she was on the way home from the hospital. She was in the convertible with the legs through the air.

I don't think. Did you watch that? These walls could talk too. That's, that's where that one's from. Yeah. The one with the older women. Oh my God. Vanessa Redgrave. It was so heartbreaking. So heartbreaking. If the young lessees of today don't know. It was so heartbreaking. Cause I think they only know TikTok lessee shit. I don't think they know a lot of shit. Or Cher as an abortion doctor. That was, I remember she's like, all right, you're all set. And you handle that like a trooper and they killed her.

Nobody gives Cher enough flowers for her acting, by the way. Yeah, I would say Cher in general is under-celebrated with her Oscars and Grammys. No, no, no, but I mean like... She needs to get discovered. No, it's not that. It's just like because she's so...

Nowadays, she's so, I mean, she's so what? She's in her 70s. She's called C-SPAN. That's her job. I know. She'll call in like, where are you calling from? Malibu. Yeah. I'm calling from Malibu. But do you, I mean, she did so many things. Like the sheer volume of, of like, I mean, I was watching on YouTube. The sheer volume. The sheer volume.

The sheer intensity of her work ethic was just staggering. Like, it was just like, I saw a super cut of just clips from like maybe three years of the Sonny and Cher show. And oh my God, so many costumes. The costumes, the hair. Balts. That long black hair with two blunt pieces on the cheek. Oh yeah, cunty. Fucking. Cuntyliciousdiva.com.

Yeah. She's the diva. Yeah, she really is. 60 Cher is something else. I mean, I love like Mackie, Air Cher and all that, but like 60 Cher, Air Cher, Chera. Chera. And she's, oh my God. I mean, the witches of Eastwick Cher is always just like, oh my God. Miss Boop. So good. The big curly hair. I didn't realize they're all wearing, you know, when I was watching that younger, of course I didn't realize that those were all wigs.

I just didn't know. I never knew. It did not occur to me. It didn't ever occur to me that anybody was ever wearing a wig. In every single movie, someone is wearing a wig. Most people, in fact. Yes. Most people. For old movies, the wig tech's not that bad because it's not HD. No, it's flawless. It's flawless. And the wig technology has not improved since, I don't think. Not at Netflix. Did you see the screen grab? What, what, what? You know Millie Bobby Brown, the actress? Yeah.

Um, 11 from stranger. Yes. Yeah. There's apparently like the cover art for a Netflix program. People are zooming in and seeing like the miss, but it's not just visible lace. It's miss gay America, 1998 screen door. Oh no, it's the, it's the Brown screen. Yeah. The Brown screen door. And I have to say, um,

Not I like to watch having the best wigs on Netflix sometimes. I know. Not this. Not that. It's so, it's hateful. I know. I remember watching an episode of Killing Eve. Because you and I's wigs are not that good sometimes. No, but like I remember watching an episode of Killing Eve where you could see a whole strip of glue with like peeking through lace on a character. And I was like, damn, that's hateful. Truly hateful. Yeah. Hateful and rotten. I have something else to tell you. Okay. Dave was over and went to see Dune.

He said, like you said, the costumes were cunty. They were, you know, it's like, they were so amazing. Like gag worthy. And he said the length didn't bother him. Nope. No, that's what she said.

Yeah, no, I mean, the length was a little lengthy. And I think I'm literally just biding my time until someone makes a like a super cut of all the scenes without Timmy and Zendaya. All due respect, lovely people, but just by far the least visually compelling portion of the film. The Harkonnens, I mean, the fact that we were not approached properly.

And then curb stomped to be in that movie. You know, it's just so hateful. It's so hateful. I know we've talked about this before, but us being compared to Austin Butler in any way is so leagues beyond what we normally get compared to. Yes. That's the best compliment we've ever gotten. I mean, I'm, yeah, I'm not, I'm,

I was telling a lot of last night, it's like, I don't want to line in this movie. I don't want to ruin the movie. No, I just want to be an extra visible for maybe 0.5 seconds. I just want to observe. Yeah. That would have been amazing for you. I would have loved it. Also because it's like, it is a pretty impressive, like it's just a pretty impressive production. It's just like, Oh my God, it's so good. We should start saying movies we want to be in. Well, there's going to be a third. So I think I'm going to today starts the campaign. Absolutely. And they just announced the Sims movie. Now,

Now, what is that going to look like? I don't know. Are people walking like this? But I want in. Have we talked about the Sims porn? I was snubbed on Barbie and I won't be the baby put in the corner again. Because I love the Sims. What about the Skims movie? I have to start wearing shapewear. Do you? You don't wear Skims if you're trying them? I can't wear panties. It would spoil the lines. Spoil the lines. Spoil the lines. It would spoil the lines. Whoa. Back to Dune. Back to Dune. Lady, so...

I just, there's a scene where Lady Jessica drinks the water of life into like, it's a whole like weird transformation witchy process. And there's this gurgling blue moment that's like, it's like, I've never had like full body goosebumps like more in a film than I've seen three times.

When it comes to video, are you going to watch it at home too? Oh, I'm going to. It's Goon Part 2. Because now you'll be able to do the double feature. Well, that's a little. So that would be too much because I think like. It is eight hours. I mean, that's like almost six and a half hours. It's too, too much. But I got to tell you, guess who's going to see Loboda? Are you going again? No, I haven't gone yet.

Didn't you see her in the green? Oh, yes. In Miami. So you're giving her another shot. Well, she's coming to LA. Okay. So this is a little bit different. Plus, when she released, she recently released a video that is so...

I mean, this, this, this, I think she had a BBL or something. Oh, okay. But she like this, I mean, it's pretty, it's pretty cunty. Literally. She has this, um, she's wearing this leotard that has three inches deep up her vagina and she's really letting it like sashay, Sean, take glamour on the runway. So hopefully she's bringing that energy to the concert. Otherwise,

I will be killing myself. I was going to say, I don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment because of what happened last time. I'm going there with yellow suit, Jim Carrey, the mask in mind. And then hopefully my expectations will be exceeded because she's really... Last time you had to go to Florida?

Yeah. Yeah. Miami, but not even just Miami. Like we spent a day in Miami and then we had to travel like quite a bit to a casino outside of Miami. Girl, it was rotten. Oh, it was rotten. Well, this time at least she's coming, you know, if it is disappointing, it's a 40 minute ride home, whatever. It's very, it's very close by in Hollywood. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I think so. Yeah. Wow. I know it's, I'm going to be, I'm really interested. Does she like you? No. No.

I do not believe that she cares for me. One is a ding dong. I, yes, I, so I was telling, um, uh, the killings worth folks yesterday. I was like, uh, cause our, our manager asked if like, you know, do you want me to see if you can go backstage? And I was like, I don't think that's something that should be interested in. Right. Because I believe, and I could be wrong that ding dong out streamed her on Spotify. Um,

for Boom Boom, but she should be honored. I don't, I mean, I bet Amish Paradise has more streams than Gangster's Paradise. Like sometimes the parody does better and that's part of it. I think, I don't know that this is true because it's hard to like, the language barrier prevents a lot of like, what's the real tea, but she, I've been told from sources in and around Russia and Ukraine that she's a humorless person. That's tough. I mean, she really looks like, she's giving detox though.

Her lips are like half of her face It's pretty, it's wild Good for her Oh she's hot I gotta show you this video Your life and your body is dedicated to like sexuality And pop music Go for it She's bringing it There's really no substitution to going under the knife She's shades of Naomi Smalls Legs, lips and hair down to her butt It's incredible It's pretty incredible Naomi's everything Yeast infection

She walks in, tall, tall, tiny body. - Attack of the 50 foot woman. - Tall, tall, tiny body.

And I feel like she jokes that her legs are long in person. It's not a joke. The proportions are so out of control. She makes you want to lay down and close your eyes and go to sleep. If she came in, she'd be like, what's up, Humpty and Stumpty? Like, what's up, Humpty, Stumpty, bitch? You troll, oompa loompa body having ass bitch. Like, it's so hateful. Hateful. What do girls like that, what must they be?

I think that they think we're potato faced, humpty bitches who should go kill themselves. No, that's the name of the pod. I love sometimes when the name of the episode just pops out. I mean, oh God. But I want to know like, what is the, what is her center of gravity is like? It's just so crazy. It's just so wild. The physics of her body are like unimaginable to me. I mean, it really is like a Bratz doll. Yeah. No, no. It's like, it's like a Barbie doll.

Because those legs are so, it's crazy. It's wild. It's wild boots. All right. Well. Happy Easter. Happy Easter. He has spreads and has a lot. Go, go. Oh, I can see your eggs from here. Oh, shit. Your country breakfast is ready. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Bye. Bye.