Medals, Mortality, & Medical Sex Vibes with Trixie and Katya
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When my county got a McDonald's, there was lines through the drive-thru all day for weeks. Because so many people had never really been had it A or B, like been able to get it so easy. So people were eating there constantly. And I remember after school always going getting like the dollar yogurt and parfait. Wow. The dollar. It was like your medieval village. Suddenly just the industrial revolution was brought to you. It's not even good. It's just there.

Oh, I see what you mean. Something to do. Something to do. Yeah. It's like a nice. I love a McFlurry. I know that that's problematic. My friend drove into. Did you drive into a Dairy Queen? I drove straight through it. No. Oh, wasn't you? Crashed into a Dairy Queen? Somebody I know did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the Dairy Queen. I love the idea of some teenager grabbing a dilly bar and seeing a car coming and the Matrix flipping back.

I got a fact. If you're listening to this and you know, you've heard this story before. Someone drove into a Dairy Queen and then proceeded to get a blizzard. I have a better story. I used to work with this beautiful trans woman. We did drag together. And she was First Nation, as was I. So we had a lot in common. What does that mean? Native American. Okay. And she, I won't say who she is. She could be dead. She was drinking.

And crashed through the home of an elderly couple. Her car was in their living room. What were they doing? They were sleeping. In the living room? In the middle of, no, in their beds. Oh, sure. She crashed through their wall. Her car was in their living room. And she was still drunk, probably still in drag. Yeah. And the old people were so nice. They brought her in the kitchen and cooked for her and stuff. She'd do a number. Yeah.

You better knock, knock, knock, knock, knock. Well, she was doing a number and then crashed through the... Crash into you. Yeah, she was doing Mazzy Star, Fade Into You. I crashed my car into the house of an elderly couple that was sleeping upstairs. Yes. And I always think of like, if you're like an old white couple from suburban Wisconsin and a trans woman of color crashes her car through your living room and you have the heart to

That's a good person. No, no, no. See, here's the thing. I think that they looked at it as a, you know, they probably had that superstitious inkling because, mama, that's a unicorn. So what if it crashes through the vinyl siding of your fucking shitty house? That's a, you're blessed. There's a good omen. They thought it was like, they thought a rapture. Yeah. The beginning of the rapture. Or like the four horsemen, but like the first horseman, the first horsewoman. Yeah. Yes, horse lady. Yeah.

The horse face lady. Yeah. Of the Apocatroup. Anyway, crashing can be fun. You've crashed cars. Many. I've crashed more cars than I've driven. Been carjacked? Yeah. Carjacked. Yeah. Climbed into the front seat on top of me, punching me in the face. Is that crazy? I, I, I, that's, for me, that would be traumatic. It was a little scary. I haven't really driven since. Think about it. Uh,

So then I would drive with the gun. So then the guy steals my phone. He gives it to his girlfriend. Selfies. Selfies. And I used to find my iPhone and the police found it and I got the phone back. It was a bunch of selfies. Was she cute? She was really cute. Yeah. And they said, do you want to press charges? Who would play her? Who would play her? Um, Simone Biles.

Oh, really? Yes. She was like 5'1"? She was short. Yes. She was beautiful. I remember in the picture she had like muscle tone. I was like, where? Yeah. Do you watch the... Have you been watching the Olympics? Probably not because NBC's coverage of the Olympics, as it does pretty much every year, sucks the turds out of my cat's litter box. What happens? Why aren't they like... Well...

Ask me if there's a Chinese athlete that's in medal contention for anything on the women's side. Is there? I don't know because I haven't seen a single fucking Chinese woman compete on this coverage. They do this whole, they're showing the Russia versus the USA. Of course, they're showing lots of stuff, you know, lots of Simone Biles withdrawing, whatever. I was like, can we just focus on the athletes who are competing now? No.

That's upsetting. Mary, they'll show a routine. It's the dismount. And then they'll show some skills in slow motion while they're commentating. I'm like, what is this? What is this?

They should do a, they should do a faggy version of Olympics coverage for people like you where it's just gymnastics. It's just the ice skating. It's like the shit that the gays care about. Yeah. And then fuck. Although, do you like to watch the men on the rings and stuff? I like the men's event. I don't like the rings. I don't like the pommel horse. I like vault, high bar, floor, and parallel bars. What's the, oh, the bar, do you like that? That's the women. Women. Men don't do that? So men do, men and women do vault and floor. And then the men have- Vault is? Vault is the-

So they run and jump on the table and then flip off it. Yeah. Oh, Mary. Mary. Oh, is it this thing? The bouncy? Do you get up on the beam? No. Yeah, it's a springboard to get up to block onto the, and then they hit the vaulting table and then they somersault off of it and land. Quick, 15 seconds. That's crazy. It's crazy. So it's super dangerous. What do you do when you watch it? Do you have the sound up and you lay on the couch and watch it?

You're like the only person I know who watches sports. Well, it depends. Are you watching other things? Here's the thing. So if you want to watch it in real time, you got to be up at three in the morning because it's in Tokyo. But that's the only way to really get it as it unfolds. I'm not that obsessed, but when I tell you,

When I watched the 2004 fucking Olympics in Athens, Mary, I was three inches away from the fat back TV screen in my shitty apartment. Three inches away. And I was in it. Jittery. Jittery. And I was just like I was just screaming and I couldn't.

Oh, it's stressful. It's stressful. Screaming at the TV. Screaming at the TV. Like you know the people. Screaming. I know those people. I made them. I trained them. Those are my girls. Those are my girls. This is going to be a big one. This one's for the girls. Yeah. And the Mary, let's just say shenanigans, tomfoolery as usual at the Olympics. You don't live. Well, where are the Chinese? Where's anybody else? The coverage is so uneven. Your issue is the coverage, not the...

the actual event well would you ever go no because I went to I went to a major I went to Olympic trials a national meet in the United States girl I couldn't see shit it's so far away it's so far away everything's happening at once you don't want all that plus it's like although I was me 17,000 girls and then two other faggots your parents no oh wow how old were you I was like 28 9 maybe 34 yeah

You probably looked like a prevert. No, no, no. I came to watch the young girls. I'm gay, gay, gay. I came to watch the young girls. I'm here to watch those little girls in leotards. Are they going to spread their legs soon? Speaking of that, though, the German team wore unitards. Ballsy, excellent move. You loved it? Why are we watching? Why am I watching? Why is anybody watching? 16-year-old girls spread eagle in high def.

Nobody should have to worry about their bikini wax at that age, never mind at the biggest stage in sporting. Do you know what I mean? You don't think 16-year-old girls are thinking about their bush? You think only athletes wax? No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying everybody's thinking about their bush. Covered up in a unitard. Eliminate that stress. A unitard is legs too, right? It's arms and legs. Catsuit. Catsuit. If I was an athlete, I would want to wear something that I could totally turn my brain off. Catsuit. Right. Yeah. Catsup. Catshit. Catshit.

I think in another life you were, if you would have had a different financial situation, maybe you were born in Russia. Maybe you were born in a family that was like, you need to be an athlete so we can eat. Oh, so like Kazakhstan. Yeah. You need some sort of like raised from birth. Well, guess what, bitch? The 46 year old Oksana Chusevitina, her eighth Olympic Games. Dino DNA. She died? No, no, no. She's just so old.

46 years old. She's 46? 46 years old. That's two years older than me. That's 40 years older than a gymnast. She has a daughter who is older than most of the girls in competition. Catch it.

Is she nice? Does she let those women have it? I think that she's a legend. She's revered. When she did her last routine, it was like standing ovation of the three people in the audience because there was COVID. Did she let them have it? She let them have it. Are the young girls scared of her? Are they like, oh, she's the one to watch. We have to beat her. Mama, no. They're like, who is that granny who wandered off out of the nursing home? She did two squats on the M. Night Shyamalan beach and came out Oksana.

Carrie Strug vacation at that beach. I love when the old bitches still have it because I was watching Top Model with David for the first time and in season three, the guest judge, they retired Janice Dickinson who was fun but

Oh, certifiable. Yes. Crazy. They swap her out for Paulina Porizkova. I love her. Who's so glam. And Taver goes, our guest judge this season is Paulina Porizkova. And the girls all turn around and Paulina walks in the middle of them, hands on the hip, and just goes like... And she's hotter than all... Thinner than all of them. She's incredible. And I don't know if you... I follow her on Instagram. She's very...

She's very... Well, her husband was the singer from the Cars, and he passed away. No, the singer from the Cars. Sting? Is his name Sting? Is it? Stung. He's dead now. Past tense. From the helicopters? Wait, wait, wait. Who? Who is it? From the Cars. I guess you just want to need it. Jessie's Girl? No. Tim Clapton? Eric Clapton? Tim Hunks? I believe he didn't leave her anything.

This is in the news. They were married for a long time. Yeah. Mama, she's a supermodel. What does she need? That's how I felt. If the wife is filthy rich, leave it to your siblings or whoever. You know what I mean? Like... Give it to the needy. If David was exorbitantly wealthy and I died, I wouldn't leave him anything. Of course not. He doesn't need more money. No. You leave it to me. Struggling wretch. Yeah. Living check to check. C-Z-E-C-H. Check to check. Wait, wait, wait. Check hunter. Porn. Porn.

Check Hunter. That's me, by the way. That's me when I went to my old roommate, Lee. Yes. I went there yesterday to visit. This is Barry Lee, by the way. And I picked up my mail. Checks from the past two years. Checks from World of Wonder. Checks from Drag Queen Merchant. $360,000 just sitting there. And the way I didn't call a single one of them before cashing it, I said, if I cash this two-year-old check and it bounces, they don't have it.

That's true. I'm leaving this company anyway if it bounces. They weren't that much money, but today I was cashing checks from February 2020. Cashing checks. Expired checks. Not exciting. Some of them were $40. Oh, I don't care. Residual checks from Playing House, three cents. Love it. I'm on that mobile app and I'm doing .03. When I get American Horror Story residuals, they're like,

Three dollars. Yeah. Oh, there's more than you had yesterday, bitch. Yeah working actress working actress No, but there's like I had I just got another check from that fucking HBO show fierce money. Right? Well, you were like $900. I did three lines. You did a real job. It was actually yeah, it was a real job It was like one of three people one of three speaking roles. We're doing a remake of Titanic and we need a rose Are you available?

And I'll tell you what, depending on how you're feeling that day, we can either have you rose or you can be the door that Leonardo DiCaprio floats on. How about that? Depending on what the situation is. Yeah. If I knew then what I knew now, Mary, I wouldn't have had the little accident. We're taking a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

I have a lot of times gone into things far too hungover. Yeah. And then what happens? How does that roll out? I've like thrown up. Oh, well. During the day. On set? Yes. On camera? Not in front of people, no. Oh, okay, okay. But like I've been like, can't eat too puke. You know, I've been that level of hungover in drag where I'm like, you know when you're so hungover that you're like trembling? I have done that before. Well, I mean. Or when you do a Saturday gig and you have to do the brunch, shit like that, where you're like, what was I thinking? Oh, see, I have this.

Or the level of hangover I have exhibited going to the airport at like six in the morning. Yeah, but that's different. You're going to the airport. Nobody's in their best, you know. Yeah, there's some scenarios where you're like, who cares if I'm hungover? Yeah.

But you're like, this is when you're on camera, you're on a TV show. This is a this is an incredible opportunity that any other act, any other drag queen would be like, oh, this is it. This is my Willem Starsborn moment. You know? Yeah. I have a story that's similar to that that I don't think I've ever told you. Oh, one time when I first moved to Los Angeles, I was tired. I was getting back into town. My friend Jeremy was like, well, let's go out. I'm like, I'm tired. He was like, I'll give you Adderall.

I'm still Pollyanna. I was like, what is that? Is that a caffeine? Is that a Jesse Spano caffeine pill? No. He gives me a quarter of an adderall. So like five milligrams? Oh my God. I am at the bar basically jaw grinding with a boner. I'm like turnt, right? Turnt. Completely turnt. Long story short, I get pickpocketed. We go home with a go-go boy and have a three-way.

Now, I had to go to the dentist the next day. Because you chewed off all your molars? No, I had an appointment. Oh. So I go to the dentist and I'm still buzzing from that amount of Adderall and so the anesthetic isn't working. Oh no. So they give me several rounds of anesthetics and every time she goes to work on my tooth, I'm like, it's not working, it's not working. It's like the third time and I go, can I talk to you outside? No.

Then I go, I just moved to Los Angeles and I thought it would be real cute at the gig and try to do a quarter of a party drug. That's not even a party drug, I guess, but a quarter of one. And she goes, well, oh, so you're still like kind of buzzing. And I go, yeah. She goes, well, how about we postmates you like a smoothie? You can have a glass of water. You'll have some breakfast and I have an opening in a few hours and we'll do it then. Mama.

She was way too nice to me and she's still my dentist to this day. No, no, no, no, no. But it was my deepest horrible shame to look my dentist a professional and be like, sorry, I'm fucking gross. Listen, you are over catastrophizing this because that she's a medical professional. Of course. And this is, this is all for your benefit, the whole thing for your health. So that's different. I, you know,

Try to be cool, though. You try to do drugs to be cool. Wow, I don't think I've tried doing drugs to go to the dentist. Granted.

This was a half of a milligram of a whisper. Basically over the counter. You took a Red Bull the night before and then went in. I licked my finger and stuck in a pre-workout and went like this. That's what I did. Jesus Christ. But acting is hard. Yeah. Even if you are going in completely like you went to yoga that day, you never had a drink in your life. Yeah.

Acting is hard. Under all, acting is hard. Under the best circumstances. I mean, unless you're one of those freaks who makes it, you're just good at it. But acting is hard. It takes like a stupid amount of preparation to go in and act like you prepared nothing. And then you can forget it all once you, the stage fright thing is so strange. Like there's no adrenaline.

I mean, I don't find like when you're on a set that there's no theatrical adrenaline, there's no theatrical pressure that that makes you to rise to the occasion. It's the opposite. It puts you on the spot in the most vulnerable, uncomfortable way because you're

There's just a camera and everybody. I don't know. I have trained the muscles of humiliation so fiercely. And the your synapses are like, are we doing this again? Yeah. OK. Oh, so this dog and pony show. Let's get. So we're rubbing shit all over ourselves. But I know how to I know how to detach and move on quickly by necessity from a humiliation. It's your brain. I couldn't let this go. It was like weeks. And I was just like, oh, my God. It was so bad. Anyways, let's not belabor the point.

Just let's go to a better topic. I found out one of my friends might be dying.

And I found out about it. And you know, I don't always handle like emotions very well. Grief with tact and empathy? But you haven't, you didn't have an empathetic and tactful response. You weren't there. You didn't hold space for that person. That's unimaginable. I also don't always handle like the news of it well, as far as like, it's supposed to like hit you, you immediately, ah! And I always like tragedy. Oh, your own grief. Tragedy hits me like a robot. And then later on, I'm like, what's this weird feeling? Yeah. Huh.

Huh? Am I sad? So last night I was like laying on the couch.

And I was just like, I don't feel like doing anything. And I'm so upbeat all the time. As you know. Famously upbeat. It's fun to be around. Yeah, joyful. And I was just like, I feel like shit. I was like, oh, I just feel like shit for my friend. And death is so weird. And somebody saying that they might have a limited amount of time isn't like finding out they died. It's finding out that there's a window that is continuously closing that you now know about.

Which is different. I've never been through that before where someone says, hey, just so you know, we kind of have an expiration date on me. And this is the general time. Oh, okay. That's different than I, not I died. Hey, I died. I forgot to tell you. I sent a group text. I died. That's different than, oh, so-and-so died. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Somebody saying I'm dying around this time. See, I love that. You do? Yeah.

In what way? Love everything about it. Well, so it depends. Like, can you give me some context without giving too many details away? Is this person young? Recurring illness. OK. That the treatment's at a point where they're kind of like, well, you could either go way more aggressive or live your life the same and probably check out early. OK. And he's like, I'd rather be working. I'd rather be doing my day. Yeah. And also he should know that or he or she should know that assisted suicide is legal in California.

And you can get that service. They should offer that to people who are like horribly. They do. They do. Yeah. In California. It passed in 2016, I think. So I don't think he's quite there. But it's an option. But if you have a card, I can write down a number. Okay. But I just felt bad because I was like, I visited and I was like, I guess I, the number of times that we'll see you then is limited now. Mm-hmm.

But also you can't stop your whole life and see someone as much as you can like every day. No, you should be sleeping there right now watching over him. No, no, no. No, but I mean, you have a relationship with the person. You have no regrets. It's like a reverse of telling someone you're pregnant. It's the reverse of telling someone you're pregnant. Wait, pregnancy is a good thing? Pregnancy is like something really magical and amazing. The cycle of life is working in my favor in nine months. Oh, see, that's where we differ.

I think of it as a nine months impending death sentence. But not me being pregnant, not you being pregnant. Oh, okay. Versus like telling someone like I'm cycling out, dude, at this time. Yeah. I see funny. I feel like pregnancy is like, but Zoe, I'm dying. Like who would play her? Yeah. You're like, who would play her? I mean, obviously I don't want anybody to suffer, especially I don't want anybody to be tortured by pain unnecessarily, but shuffling off this mortal coil.

Or, yeah, it just, I mean, what a thrill. You know what you're going to look like? One of those old cartoons of a skeleton dancing. Oh, yeah. That's how you're going to go. I mean, I already look like that. Well, we should get you a top hat. But we were like talking about it and joking about it. How did they feel about it? I didn't pry too deeply. I tried to just keep it positive because my whole thing was like, well, if this is accurate, that person would just want our friendship to feel the same the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. They are a situation. They don't need. Yeah. I mean, you don't have to be like.

Yeah, it's I mean one of the things about grief is like oh my god It there's no there's no kind of like blueprint for it although there are you know all the theories of stages? But like you just you never know but like they mad the conflict that people feel when their moms or dads are dying and they hated them or they loved them and all this shit and like then you have feelings about the feelings uh-huh like

You have feelings about the grief and then you have guilt about the length of time I should be grieving. You know what I mean? There's all this bullshit around it. Or guilt about, why aren't I crying? Yeah. Should there be water coming from my eyes? Does this mean I didn't like the person? You know what I mean? It's so weird. And guess what? What if you really didn't like the person? Which often happens. You know? Yeah. Well, my stepdad died who I hated. Yeah. I still cried.

Interesting. Tears of joy? No, not tears of joy. I think I was just sad about in general of like, it was more like putting a button on the whole horrible experience. Okay. Cathartic tears. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've been crying the house down. You have? Not because of death. The Olympics. Are you crying at the Olympics? I cry. Anytime somebody cries at the Olympics, mama, it is Niagara Falls. Did you see the person who won a gold in swimming and then they need glasses? Yes.

Somebody from China. They need glasses. And so they win the gold and they're squinting trying to look at the board and they can't see the scores. And so everyone's cheering and they're like, what happened? Yeah. And then they put in these giant like Coke bottle glasses. And they go, when they win the gold, do they cry? Tom Daley. Did he cry? Yes. I saw a slow-mo video of him

How does he fold his body in half like that? I don't know. I knew that he was good. I didn't know that he was in contention for gold, but he and his partner fucking turned it out on that fucking, the three meter or 10 meter platform. This is his first gold.

No, right? It's not his first Olympics. It might be his first gold. I did his makeup a few years ago. Did you really? Me and Willem did his makeup for a video. We put him in drag as Kermit. That's so funny. And I got to paint his body green. And it was funny because he has like an eight pack and he was like, this is me in my chubby face. Because it was between cycles of training. Yeah. I mean, he is legit. Like they were so fantastic and they beat the Chinese, which is so hard to do. He's a dad. Yes. And the commentator was talking about that. Gay, gay, gay. Dustin Lance Black is his husband? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Gay. Gay. Children. Father. Diving is cool. Diving is so cool. Crazy. But then the Russian men in the Olympics, they won gold and they cried. And they were, they haven't won, they haven't been on the podium since 96 or something or 92. And they were all crying. Lost it.

Lost it. Not so much when the women cry because that's kind of common. Did Tom Daley cry? What do they look like? Well, he's wearing a stupid fucking mask. Don't wear the mask on the podium. I want to see the full expression of human emotion.

They should give him a crying booth, a six feet crying booth. Hey, person who won, we don't want to get you too excited, but we need you to step over here. And we're just going to check your temperature. It's so crazy. The security theater of those particular instances is so maddening because it's like, just give me the fucking raw human emotion. Just give it to me, baby. Can we talk about something controversial yet brave? I want masks, of course. I want everyone to wear a mask. I was featured on the news. You sure were. Drag queens with no mask on wearing a clear shield.

I'm all for suspending disbelief in theater. I'm all for creating a character. I mean, clearly we're going to pretend that's a woman. Let's not pretend that she's safe. Let's pretend she's a woman. Yeah. Let's not pretend that that clear plastic visor does a damn motherfucking thing. Of course, COVID's real. Everyone should have masks. I think everyone in the room should have a mask on so that the drag queen can do their thing. Thank you.

Even if it means six feet, don't go tip the drag queen in person. I had a lip sync with one of those visors on once and I just felt so dumb. Yeah. I could, I've never done it. It kills the fantasy quick. I've never done it. But how about this though? How about this for killing your fantasy? You, you train your whole life, trials and tribulations, injuries, overcoming debt, but you get on that Olympic podium as the gold medalist and then you got to put a little mask on because NBC says, uh,

But don't you think it would incur too much criticism? Like, oh, wow. So for famous athletes, rules don't apply. Well, they certainly don't wear them while they're flying high on the uneven bars or in the pool. But like if I was at a restaurant and a fan came up to me and they wanted a picture, I would make them and me put a mask on and take a picture just to like not incur the. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is like that I get. But it's security theater. Like it's this moment is so. Just put them far away.

Just have the person have the metal officiant wear a hazmat Rene Russo and outbreak suit to give them the gold medal. And then I want to see them crying. And or have the athletes sign like a waiver of like, can we all be really safe? Absolutely. Yeah. Also, it's more likely they'll snap their spine doing what they're doing. Yeah, it's a little more dangerous. Do people die at the Olympics?

Um, they get gravely injured. There was one. There was a. I do know about ice skaters falling. What? That's not that bad. Doubles. Oh, woman in the air. Drops. Drop in them. I eat the marijuana and watch the ice skater. Ice skater doubles eating shit. Two couples spinning. I don't know what this move is. I'm going to try to impersonate it. Hold on. It's like this. Yeah.

That is, wow. Is that Sasha Cohen? Is that Johnny Weir? Warrior 3. They're doing that and they're spinning together and then they get off kilter and his blade hits her head. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm watching it like,

Turned on 0.2 milligrams of THC. And then these skaters are tall. The women are petite. They're up in the air. Yeah. Tripping and dropping someone on their face. Blades. And then they have to get up and they literally covered in blood, skating off the ice with poise. Where like the guy usually grabs her waist and guides her. Because of course the woman gets hurt more because she's falling from the sky. Right, right, right. And as a skating double couple...

How do you also like recover the trust level there? I know. But also it's not their fault. You're on a blade. Yeah. Of course things happen. Get that. Ask Wesley Snipes. I haven't seen him since Blade.

Have you? How about this, though, at the Olympics? In gymnastics, do the event final. So at the end of the Olympics for gymnastics, they do, you know, competition for the bars, the beam, who's the best on each. But most bottom friendly gay bar. But they don't allow the gymnast to warm up on the apparatus before their competition. Why? I don't fucking know. So there's a back gym that they can warm up at.

But then they go into the main gym for the competition where the equipment is different. You know, it's not the same equipment. It's usually called a one-touch warm-up where you get like a few, you know, you get to do the vault before you vault. They don't get that. And the stadium has no people in it. So it's freezing. And these gymnasts are expected to do physical feats of the most outrageous, complicated nature where injury is certain and with cold, not warmed up muscles at the Olympics. Yes.

What kind of fucking tomfoolery is that? In the Olympics, wouldn't they make that room borderline humid like Zumanity? You would think. But when you see the Russian gymnast Melnikova warming up her hands with her mouth, it's insane. The Olympics is totally ridiculous. And gymnastics is off the chain. And I'm going to be the president of it next year. Should we take a break? Yeah. I'm going to be the president of the Olympics. I'm calling it now. President of gymnastics. In this wig? Yeah.

I've missed your we're back I miss your birthday party I don't say that I so this wig I created for my little 40th birthday party which by the way was the funnest night I've ever had out in my life ever oh I think about it all the time 43 years of my life 43 years of my life I've never ever ever I mean I don't go out that much

I have never had that much fun in my life. I sweated. I danced the whole night, the entire night. I sweated probably 14 gallons of sweat, sober. And I was so dehydrated at the end. I walked home a shell of a person and I was just like... But you danced like...

I've never seen a person... Like, before people were dancing, you were thrashing. I was thrashing from the minute... Because here's the thing. I had hired... Not good dancing. Oh, no, no, no, no. This is like Strychnine and this is like a tent revival dancing. Yes, yes. Speaking in tongues. Yeah. I hired the DJ, Matteo Segatti. Yes. So fantastic. And I gave him a ton of music, Russian music. And he...

And he did so much work. The amount of work he did arranging and adjusting all the BPMs of the song so that they went into each other. It was so impressive. He's bomb. He's so bomb. He's my drag mom. My DJ mom. Your DJ mom. Yeah. He's so fierce. He's so fierce. And it was so great. I just went to see him last weekend. He was playing music. He's a really great guy. He works so hard for it. And he had a great time. He and I were just like, that was so fun. Why was it?

It was private. Yes. Yeah. Because we knew every single person there. Yeah. And some people brought... We actually ended up going over because the bar I rented out agreed to do 75 people. And then 150 people showed up, which we thought it was going to be the opposite. Oh, you thought it was going to be like 30? Oh, yeah. Because the owner of the bar was like, listen, this is LA. No matter who you are, no matter what happens, you invite this many people, half are going to show up. Right. And the opposite happened. But it was...

I'm telling you, man. It was so great. Not one shitty person there. I know. Not one shitty... It was really, really fun. It was so fun. It was so fun. And I've never heard Russian music in a club before. Not even in Russia, ironically, probably, right? Well, no, yeah. But do they listen to Russian music? They listen to Rihanna. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, they do listen to Russian pop over there, but they don't...

I've never been... I've never heard it. The children were living too. I think they liked it. Yeah. I think they did too. And a lot of people came alone because my friends don't really know each other. And they were... Everybody dressed up. Do you like dance music? You do? Yes. I like dance music and I especially like non-English. It just helps you...

Yeah, focus less on what they're saying. No, we don't need to know what you're saying. Love, love, blah, blah, blah. You parked your car. You lost it. Whatever. Who cares? You know, but like, it's just the I love the sounds and the beats and stuff. I love sounds. I love sounds and beats, especially when they're together. They make my body go dance. My body go dancey dancey. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I went to see Adam's family at the Cinespia Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Yeah.

Cinespia. Yeah, Cinespia is an event they throw at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery where they show movies. How did you sit? Did you bring a lawn chair? How was it? I... Well, I was...

Oh, VIP. Yeah. So I got, because I presented Priscilla there a few weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. So I got to go sit and watch. And guess who's in front of me? Kristen Chenoweth. Dua Lipa. Again, Dua Lipa. Dua Lipa. She's really making the rounds. Was she trying to be governor or something? Dua Marie Peep was right in front of me. And get this. She turns around and goes, can I have a light? And I go, we don't have a lighter. And she goes, okay. And my boyfriend goes, do you know who that is? And I go, no. He goes, it's Dua Lipa. And I go, who? He goes, Dua Lipa. I was like, oh.

You're like, how am I going to act? Oh my God. Am I going to cry? She has been at that. By the way, Wendy Williams has been at that bait and switch lead up game for eons. We watched the clip of her talking about her mom dying. I know. I could...

That's going to be me on this show announcing when my friend dies. Yeah. That's going to be you at my eulogy. You're going to be like, I mean, like, it's just, it's so diabolical. She's really something else. Wait, wait, who else was there? Dula P, any other celebrity sightings? Where were you sitting? Oh,

There's like VIP areas that give you blankets, trays of food and drinks. And what? A chair? No, there's big stuff. Oh, where's the back support? Where's the back support? Because I can't fuck with that cemetery. Where's the back support? All I can think about is hunched shoulders and lumbar crunching. No, it's a nice big blanket. With a... Say the chair! Say it's a chair! No! It's one of those... I will never go, not one day in my life. It's one of those big fat pillows with arms.

It's like a chair pillow on the ground. Is it a chair? It's comfortable because you lay down. Is there back support? You lay down. You lay down? Yes, you lay down. Oh my God, that was a wig. You said, say it. Say chair. Say chair. It was really fun and I recommend it. And I would go, we're going to see Scream 1 and 2 and Clueless there too. Oh, cool. They're showing Clueless. They should show Clueless. And they're showing Scream 2, which features Debbie Salt. Debbie Salt. And Jackie. And Jackie.

Oh, really? She's the killer in number two. She's Billy Loomis' mom. Anne Hathaway. That's who that is. What's the actress's name? Laurie Metcalf. Laurie Metcalf. Laurie Metcalf, yes. Who would play her? Laurie Metcalf? No, who would play her? If anybody doesn't know, we're obsessed with who would play her because when RuPaul had a podcast that stopped out of nowhere.

Yeah. I mean, they did it for a long ass time. They used to have all the great guests, though, because they would have them from Drag Race. Yeah. And whenever somebody would talk about like, oh, my mom, she's funny. RuPaul would go, is your mom? Who would play her? Who would play her? It's RuPaul's way of like picturing your mom. Yeah. It's like, what does she look instead of what does she look like? Who would play her? Who would play her? Yeah. It's so funny to ask who would play her about a somebody you already know. Yeah.

somebody who doesn't matter who would play them. It's like, oh, the Postmates guy came. Who would play him? That's what she asked me when I told her a story about moving into Hollywood and this rapper got out of a car with white pants, with white tights, with a huge dong out of a gold Bentley. She was like, who would play him? It was LL Cool J. I got to ride in several nice cars this week. Iggy drove me. LVP. Well, yes. And Iggy drove me in her Range Rover.

And he was like, did you get your license? You could go to the DMV. And I know a guy, he was like, they can help you out. The celebrities get, they take you in a room and just get it, you know? And I was like, is that what you did? They take you in a room and you just get it? Like if you're a celebrity, you don't have to wait in line at the DMV, they said. Are you fucking nuts? Wait, wait, wait, get it, get it, get it, get it. I heard, I don't want to confirm or deny, but I heard that she said that if you're a celebrity, you can go in and they let you. They let you.

Maybe we're not know all the answers. And she said that to me while she's driving me. And I go, is that how you got it? While she like blew a red light and then... But then Bob told me about somebody once, a celebrity. Bob was like, oh, I want a car, but I don't have a license. And the celebrity was driving and goes, I don't have a license. I mean... So then I go to dinner with Lisa and she drives me home. No license. No passport. No arms. I'd never been in a...

Rolls Royce. Rolls Royce, yeah. The doors open that way. Yes. Fierce. White leather interior. Yeah. Great electrical system, but no, no, bad electrical system. I was like, oh, this car is like a hot tub. It's like fancy. Yeah, it's crazy. Heated cup holders. I mean, everything. It's just wild. Why do you want hot fluid? Mama, hot cough, hot cough. I'm thinking LA. Did you drink hot coffee in LA? No. In the winter, hot cough. Hot cough.

No, I do. I do all the time, every day. Doesn't everyone drink iced coffee? Just gay. I've never had it. You've never had iced coffee? No. Hot coffee? Do people, does it taste the same? Well, it's hot. But I mean, is there any difference? There's a huge amount of difference. There is? One's a freezing cold liquid. No, I mean, is it the same fluid? One is hot, one is cold.

Yes. But I don't know if iced coffee was like, when you make iced tea, you have to make it twice as strong. Yeah, you do. You generally do brew iced coffee stronger because all the ice liquid make it... Yeah, you put simple syrup in it because it's hard to dissolve ice. Isn't this fascinating? The sugar granules into the iced coffee. Sugar. Sugar.

Do you like corn? Do you like corn? Do you like corn? Another dead person. I know. That is weird. No, no, no, no, no. So I listened to this Buddhist guy the other day, this famous monk dead. But he was saying that there's no, all ideas are wrong ideas in Buddhist philosophy. So like there's this concept called avidya, which is misunderstanding, which basically in its essence says that all perception. Avidya killed the radio star. That?

Is it that? Who would play her? I want to do a podcast called Who Would Play Her? Where we just ask people to talk about people who aren't there. And we go, who would play her? Yeah, like, probably Reba McEntire. Oh. We'll be right back after this. But no, so like, there's no birth and no death. Birth and death are wrong ideas. So what is there? It's just a continuation.

It's like, you know, like the whatever quantum mechanics, whatever all matter. And then they need to be destroyed or, you know. Yeah. It's just, I mean, because my mom used to say, you don't have to, because I was one of those kids who was constantly, I would remember death, remember that existed and be like wrecked for a week. Why? I constantly, do you know why? I remember that someday my grandma would die and I just couldn't stop crying. I'd have to call her and be like, you're going to die someday. You're older than me. So you're going to die before me. You know, I was so worried for anybody older than me that I would see them die.

Is it because that you would miss them not being around or because there was death with some traumatic, horrible thing? Just like the realization that everything's impermanent and the time you have with people you love is shrinking at all times. Oh my God. That sounds like that's so great though. Well, not the shrinking part, but like the impermanence part I find so liberating. You like it? I mean, I don't want to live forever, but like...

You know if me and everybody I know could die at the same moment that'd be fierce. Well, you can't nobody get into a call Yeah the invitation. Yeah Yeah, I was gonna do a cult That's what I'm gonna do cuz I love everyone people I love I'm not gonna do I'm not gonna see you die So one of the days we're all gonna kool-aid out of here. Oh, yeah I'm gonna see you die cuz I'm the last one to drink that kool-aid you can be dressed as a kool-aid guy when I die You're gonna go. Oh, yeah Yeah

But my mom and my grandma used to be like, you don't have to worry about dying. It's as natural as being born. Yes, absolutely. But that didn't make any sense and it still doesn't. Really? Well, okay. It's the only thing we all have in common. We're all born and we all die. Yeah. Think about this. So I'm watching The White Lotus with Jennifer Coolidge.

And she is hysterical and she has this crazy scene where she goes out, she brings her grandmother's boat to this crazy Hawaiian resort and she is trying to disperse the ashes in the water. And she's just a nutcase, a nutcase. And she's like, I didn't know if I was I was feeding my mom to the fish or if she would even like that. I feel like I failed her. You know, like and it's just so insane. It's like those ashes are not your mom. Yeah, that's not your mom.

Why do people hang on to ashes? Because why do we, why do we bury corpses in gold and velvet boxes? Well, I think we used to bury them period. Cause you can't just have their body chilling. That makes sense. And they break down, but they break down to the earth. It makes sense to put them in the earth. In a way, you should be burying your dead family, like on your crops.

Absolutely. Mom's going to feed us. Or like, I understand having a nice little bonfire, barbecue. But then you're watching your family's corpse crisp in front of you. Not necessarily if there's like a discreet little pit. But you don't see a skull at the end? Well, that doesn't scare me. I love skulls.

But, you know, say I just don't think there's a lot of morbidity around it. The open. We talked about watching your mom's body lay on a bonfire like it's at a college homecoming party is traumatized. I think that's more traumatizing than watch my watch a thing that used to be my mom tarted up and bloated with formaldehyde laying out in some. Oh, no. I don't parlor. I don't believe that is insane. That's traumatizing. That's trauma. So who is that? Because that's not my mom. Traumatizing. That's not my mom.

That's not my mom. That's not my mom. That's I'm old bitch. That's traumatizing. Yeah. And why do we bury them in a box that keeps them from decaying? That's what I'm saying. How long does it take for a coffin to decay? Lacquered wood like that. Lacquered wood, polyurethane, velveteen on the inside. How long does it take for the dirt to actually reach your dead body?

I don't think it does. I don't think about death that much. And so then when I do, there's all these questions like this where I'm like, why are we doing that? What is that? No, just I say ship all the dead bodies to the medical schools and let them chop them up. I would love to be like, you know. No, you need to be studied. We need to do. No, we need to do Jennifer. Jennifer in the cell. Chop your body up with slats and spread it out and thin little and just see what the fuck. What the fuck is going in there? The inside of your body looks like an ant farm.

No, it probably looks like a, um, it's probably, um, it's probably like a geode, but with cigarettes, um, uh, candies, Skittles. Crystallized geodes, but with like the thing she loved. Skittles, cigarette butts, all crystallized. Oh my God. I got high blood pressure. I gotta go to the doctor. Do you really? Mm-hmm.

Isn't smoking, doesn't it cause high blood pressure? It certainly exacerbates it. Vasoconstrictor. Vasoconstrictor. Absolutely. A blood flow preventer. Yeah. I was doing Duolingo the other day so hard my left hand went numb. Here's what we don't, people are dying in general. Everyone's dying. We need to stop making more people. You know, it's funny. Stop having children. Yeah. Everyone can have one. I don't understand. There's a resource crisis in the world.

But we always think about not enough resources. We never think about less people. I just don't think that people really have that. It's such a biological imperative in a societal thing that I don't think that ever crosses people's mind. But you know why it crosses their mind to have children? Why? It's the only way to feel like you cheat death. You do leave something living behind you.

People's fear of their own mortality is what makes them want to be parents. I don't even think that's, that is certainly a thing, but that doesn't even, having a baby, having a child, having a family, that's just a thing you do. You do that. What else is there to do? Yeah. You do that. It's not even a why or oh, it's like, it's just when. Not for me. No, I'm vibing. Totally vibing. I just want to do gay shit. Gay shit? Lonely shit? I hope when I die that I'm like, I have done every gay thing.

Listen every gay song well, I've seen every gay TV show. I know every gay person I gotta get into fisting in a fisting I get into cock and ball torture. You got to get into cock cages sounding cages Yeah cages Nicolas Cage. Yeah, Nick Nicholas Cage Johnny Cage Cassie Cage It's bad. It's rough out John Cage in the for yet. Jame gum. Oh

- "Jame Gum" or "J.D. Gum." - "J.D. Gum." - Did you know that "Jame Gum" wore a cock cage while he was getting sounded or fizzed in? - Oh, Jesus Christ. - You know what we gotta talk about in another episode? When and why gay people left-- - Earth. - Sex in the peripherals. - Oh, what do you mean? Like in the extreme? - When they turned to like-- - Where the wild things are. - Well, base levels gay sex now is so crazy

I think in general, I think that we we perhaps have a I mean, I know I do. I was at a dinner the other night. I was the only non I was the only person who did not have sex professionally. Well, you know, I was not a work. Long story short, the company we keep the company we keep definitely discolors our perception. We do not get a good, accurate representation of what actually is going on gay wise. But I mean, shit. Also, Generation the Gen Z, who knows what they're doing?

Oh, they're doomed. They're doomed. I don't know. We went to first base. Then he hacked my leg off at the knee. Like they're doomed. No, I don't think, I don't think, I think they're doing something different. Like they're there. Remember those articles that were like 200 ways to have sex without doing it. And it would be like,

Talk about your favorite song. Yeah. Hold hands. Go to the movies. Have a cold pop. I think gay people did that, but the wrong way. Yeah. Put it, put it, put it, put a full body cage on. Does your, yeah. How to inject more, um, uh, like ER horror into your sex life. Yes. Yes. Does your sex life lack CSI Miami vibes? Because it's, I mean, when I,

Listen, when I see red. We're not kink shamers. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're power to them, mama. We're power and safety and love to them. And safety and knowledge. Knowledge and peace and good feelings and no infections. And no infections. Yeah. When you see red, what's red? When I see red. So I love the butt. I love a butt. I feel like the gif of Raj O'Hara dressed as a tree going.

I love the butt. I love the asshole. I like to put my tongue in the asshole. Sometimes as far as I can get up there. I have a seven inch tongue. Which is seven inches. But when I see red... You don't taste that shit? You don't taste that? That colon in your mouth? That GI tract that's in your mouth right now? I know. That's just a personal thing. I know rosebuds are very... Whatever people get into them, gaping. I like gaping, but...

It just becomes, I feel like I'm in an operating theater as a graduate student at BU Medical. Do you know what I mean? Like, I just, it takes me out of the bedroom and into the operating. John, Bob Hoskins. I'm at Bob Hoskins. Did you ever mention a John Hopkins or a Bob Hoskins?

I just feel like I'm in a residency. I know. Do you know what I mean? I'm in a residency. No, it's a lot. And I'm in a MedSense on Frontier and like a war-torn Sudan. Like, it's just too much. I feel like if I go on a hookup, there's going to be an operating theater and it's going to be like Nurse Ratched. They're going to be showing me lobotomy. Yeah, yeah. It's like foreplay is a front, is like an ice pick through the eyeball. And then we can like just rip out your intestines to rappel down the roof. Yeah, like we met on Tinder and then he started carrying around my baby toe in his pocket.

yeah well he's you know we're out to Japanese he stuck the chopstick up my dick hole so I knew he was the one right it's wild I mean honestly no shaming I mean just I'm Pollyanna but I'm happy for those people yeah I'm happy for those people I'm happy to have a Harby it's a nice Harby to have you know what and sex is sort of like turns out you can reinvent the wheel oh you can turn that wheel into something else and then just shove it right up your ass square wheel yeah a torture wheel a wagon wheel a water wheel of piss

Yeah, baby. I think we've said enough. I think we need a belt here.

Actually, I believe it was Oscar de la Renta who invented a pair of fisting gloves. And then they trickled down the cock cages into the casual corners where you no doubt fished out. That wooden sound that you got. Yeah, from a pile of stuff. They should do Devil Wears Prada where they work at like an Adam and Eve, a sex toy company. Oh, yeah. It's not a butt plug. It's not a dildo, is it? It's a...

It's a silicone anal enhancer. Okay. Bye.