Inside Katya with Katya
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Hi guys, it's Katya. We really hope you enjoyed our video versions of the podcast so far, but please don't fret. They will return on a regular basis. This week we figured we'd give you a boner break, but they will be back, rest assured. And in the meantime, enjoy and have a lovely day.

Testing, testing, testing. And welcome back to another episode of the Bald and the Beautiful podcast with Trixie Mattel and Katia Zamo. Now, unfortunately, we're going to do things a little bit different, or fortunately, depending on your point of view. Today's episode is just me and only me. Es solo mío, es ahora mía, es...

And I know what you're thinking. No, but yes. Oh, yes, it's happening.

This is a time of year that is particularly challenging for many drag performers. It is gay pride season. And Trixie is saddled with so many gigs and opportunities. She is so booked, so blessed that she simply could not join me today. And, you know, podcast companies knocking at the door saying, where's the Epps? And we have to deliver. So I'm attempting a solo performance.

uh venture today because i just couldn't be bothered to do this on zoom with somebody else and i also don't own enough microphones so i've got my little microphone i've got my cigarette burning i'm on a coffee table with no pants and i'm ready to talk about my life uh i actually have prepared an outline

So for those of you who are thinking, well, she's going to ramble. I don't want to ramble. I actually have some topics. Well, I have several, in fact, and I've created lists. So we're going to have a great time. We're going to have a really wonderful time. So yes, that's it. This is the podcast. It's episode 58 coming out of shoot 36. And let's do it. Da-da, da-da-da-da.

Of course, this episode is brought to you by the myriad of ads that are featured in this podcast, but it's also brought to you by a concept, and that concept is workaholism, right? My co-host works so much that she is continuously and constantly stretched to the limits of human ability, of mental acuity, and she is just, she's an inspiration, not to me, but

But I'm sure to many people out there who are struggling with motivation, getting up in the morning and going, you know, the grind, as they say, the hustle. Trixie stays hustling. Her grind is continuous. Her game is nonstop. And I, on the other hand, I take a different approach. I like to

I like to stop and smell the roses and sometimes I'll lay down by the roses and I won't get up and I'll build a little shack by the roses and I won't go to work and you get the idea. So tomato, tomato, apples and oranges and different strokes for different folks.

Um, so the first segment I've created a whole podcast here just for this episode that I will abandon. Um, and as we go back to regular programming, but, um, I have created a few different segments and the first one is, wow, you're gay, gay pride, gay pride. Um, it's June and, um,

which means that's Gay Pride Month, usually. Different cities hold their celebrations on different weekends throughout the summer, but June is kind of the official kickoff of Gay Pride. And so what does that mean to be proud?

Well, just judging from the different posts on social media, and I would say that being out, proud, and gay means having a sandwich or owning a credit card or having a burrito or something. It is wild. Now, and I'm not, this is not a dig. I am literally, I have done the research. I am literally the only drag queen who is not endorsed by a major brand like

Chipotle, American Express, Lockheed Martin, Boeing. You know, it is wild. Every drag queen has a sandwich, a salad, you know, a three-wheel bicycle. It's just...

It is incredible. I'm not, it's not a dig. Get the bag, sis. Secure the bag. Get paid. Cash those checks. You know, all the above. I absolutely, I love it when, you know, queer people and drags are getting a lot of money, a lot of paper, a lot of cheddar cheese, right?

I like that. I think it's great. However, it's a strange thing because watching gay pride parades, for example, this is going back maybe, I mean, it's got to be at least 10 years ago. It's the Bank of America pride float. It's all corporate stuff.

uh interests who are trying to kind of like cash in on their inclusivity um all not for gay people but just for capitalism and uh you know i i suppose you could say well honey uh but what about all the the 14 000 ads on your podcast aren't you a hypocrite and i would have to say yeah yeah but guess what i contain multitudes and you know it's uh it's tricky trying to be uh

a conscious ethical person in this landscape. But so I kind of at the same, you know, I detest capitalism, but at the same time, I want to be rich. So, you know, do with that what you will. So happy gay pride. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

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And we're back. So, you know what? Actually, I think I'm a little bit jealous. I think that's the thing. I have been wanting to do a Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial forever. I have wanted to be the spokesperson for Dawn. And I've been wanting to do a Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial forever.

so badly because this is a product that, you know, it's a very, it's a relatively simple, very cheap liquid, widely available. You can get it anywhere, probably the gas station even. And I use it to wash my face, probably to my detriment, but I don't care. And I use it to wash the dishes and I use it to, you know, wash the baby ducks in the pond when there's an oil slick. It

It is the most versatile, wonderful, great product. I stand by it, you know, time tested and they're just not interested. They're just not interested. And I think, you know, they don't really need my help. And honestly, I don't need their help either, but I'm still available. I'm very willing. And I, you know, that would be an opportunity for me to really sell out and go big. You know, I probably wouldn't take a deal if it was less than like, you know, $50,000, but yeah.

I'm just putting it out there. Just putting it out there. Just putting it out there. It's a new dawn. I'm a new gay. Let's make a deal. Okay. So yeah, happy gay pride. If you have not come out yet, don't worry about it. If you came out and then there was not a... If you came out to not great fanfare, if you were met out of the closet with derisive looks and...

you know, whispered, uh, whatever's then maybe go back in the closet. Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding. Um, so we are coming out of lockdown, but I'm sort of clinging to, I'm sort of, uh,

I'm having a hard time with the transition because I actually like being at home. And being at home, like I'm in Mare of Easttown, I like being at home, which means I really have been enjoying watching lots of stuff. So over the past year, I would say, I've watched a lot of stuff. I've also listened to a lot of stuff. And so I came up with a very crude and quick comedy countdown. Things that I have found funny over the last whatever, however many weeks,

weeks or months or whatever. And now I'm going to present them to you. Okay, here we go. Comedy countdown number one. The Pennsylvania accents on Mayor of Easttown. So Mayor of Easttown, HBO Max, incredible series. It just ended a little while ago. Kate Winslet is a small town detective who, um,

with a, you know, who has a whole, I mean, probably like a full set of emotional and, you know, baggage. She's got baggage, like multiple bags. Like you need to go to the luggage cart, maybe get two carts for all her baggage. And she's got a, you know, she hasn't died to her in about seven months. She's got a ponytail. She looks a little frumpy. But she is on a mission. She's got

She's got instincts. She's got drive. She's motivated to solve crimes. So this show, I watched the first episode and I was like, ugh, so grim. So like, I mean, just the opposite of what I was in the mood for at the time, which was splash, color,

you know, vibrant, uh, just, uh, this was just so, I mean, small town, okey pokey hokey, uh, frumpy dumpy lumpy, um, you know, uh, backwoods. It was just so grim. And then there was a twist at the end of the first episode. And then I was immediately hooked. Um, and then I,

Watched I counted the days until every episode I gobbled it all up all the twists all of the turns all of the the characters and their insane regional accents Can I have a glass of water? Could I have a glass of water? No, I have to go home first. It's like I don't know I've never I've never heard that act that accent in real life I know that people do say like I have to go do the wash you have to wash. Do you wash it in plain water? It's crazy. I

But so is the Boston accent, which I guess this is probably kind of like the same degree of weirdness. And Boston people don't do R's, which people know, but it's true. Like they'll say, Haas, horse. The word is horse, right? The word is, that is a horse. She rides a horse. Okay. Like, but my mom and other people around like Boston, Danvis, you know, Medford, they would say, Jodge rides a Haas. Jodge rides a Haas.

George rides a horse. It's fucking crazy. It's so, yeah, there's that. So the, the come for the accents and stay for the, oh, the show was so, I

I loved it so much. I'm not going to say it was good because I don't know that it's a great show. There is a scene in maybe the latter half of the season where it is just directly lifted from Silence of the Lambs, like literally just snatched from Silence of the Lambs, kind of flagrantly. I think it kind of stretches the limits of homage at this point. It's kind of just like stealing, but whatever. I'm still here for it.

So Mare of Easttown, long story short, I love it. Perhaps a great series. Kate Winslet is superb. And it also features the incredible talents of an older actress whom you may not be familiar with. Jean fucking Smart. Jean Smart. Should change her name to Genius Smart because that's what she is. She's a genius. And she is the star of our next comedy countdown show, Hacks, also on HBO Max.

It is a crime that I'm not currently doing promotional work for HBO Max, but it's fine. They haven't asked. I have not been approached, and I have not asked, and it's fine. But Hacks is a comedy that is so fucking funny, so well-written, so well-cast. I have watched every episode four times.

That might indicate to some people that perhaps I have too much free time or that I don't know how to budget my time or that I am, you know, maybe postponing certain responsibilities in order to rewatch television shows and all of those would be true. Hacks is so fucking great. It's... It basically...

It's like a comedy about two women, an aging comedian with a Las Vegas residency who's kind of like struggling with keeping her career fresh. And then this hysterical young writer who is tasked to go work with her. And it is so fucking funny. It is so brilliantly acted. And...

Hannah, the character who plays Ava, or the woman, or Hannah, the actress who plays Ava, is a fan of mine. And I shit myself when I found that out. Shit myself. There was shit all over myself. It's so, so good. And it's got Meg Stalter, who if you're not familiar with on Instagram, you have to go find her out now because she literally posts like Saturday, she posts like Saturday Night Live skits every single day for free on her Instagram. Wow.

Like, it's crazy. The amount of free content, content, content, that she generates is truly staggering. I think I post probably like once a month, just, you know, 30 seconds of me saying something unintelligible with a baby filter on. She is so prolific and so brilliantly cast. She's so funny. The series is so fucking good. If you don't like it, you're probably stupid. Let's see. Okay, the next thing...

Oh, the next thing on our comedy countdown, number three, the severed head bag swap on Zack Snyder's new zombie movie, Army of the Dead. So this is spoilers alert. Spoiler alert for this. If you haven't watched this movie, I probably will be giving something away. So basically, this is how it goes. Imagine that you're writing a script, okay? And you have a security advisor for a billionaire, right?

that is going to accompany a group of like misfits and criminals into zombie populated Las Vegas on this terrifyingly dangerous mission to steal money from a vault. Okay, on the way

You as the security advisor behead one of the zombies, one of the more powerful ones and put their head, which can still talk and scream, by the way. It's like a reanimated head. It doesn't just like it's like a Medusa thing. It's still very powerful. Like even after it's been cut off, you put that in a sack. OK, like a sack. OK.

And you then later on sort of betray this group of people and say, you admit to them, hey, by the way, it was never about the money. It's all about this head. This head is the most valuable thing. It's way more valuable than all the money in the world. And then you betray the people.

And then soon after that, one of those people swaps the head from the sack with a cash machine, an automatic cash counter, the kind you'd see at a bank teller's window, you know, that counts 100 bills, and puts that in there instead, and then she takes the head. So then the security advisor, you, pick up the sack and try to flee, but only many, many moments later...

Do you realize that there's been a swap? At what point, I know this is probably like a stupid detail to get hung up on in a zombie movie, but I just hate it so much. Wouldn't you think that, oh, in my sack, my valuable, the most valuable thing that I risked my life and everybody else's life to come get, to bring back to this billionaire, is now, it went from an oozing, perhaps screeching,

organic-ish blob of a head, human head, and now it's a hard metal machine with a cord. I think that it would probably be

a millisecond after you picked up the sack, nevermind the fact that you'd probably know there was a swap well before you even picked up the sack just by looking at it. It's those little things in these movies that just really just drive me nuts. I was howling with laughter because not only was he like, wait a minute, this sack doesn't feel right. He struggles to open it and it's like, it's just crazy. It's like that moment in the Batman movie, The Dark Knight, where

where Harvey Dent is in the hospital at the end and the Joker is dressed up like a nurse and it takes him until the Joker removes his face mask, which is only covering his mouth, by the way, he has black crazy makeup on his eyes, to realize that it's him and then he freaks out. It's so funny. It's so funny. It's like, oh, now that you removed that little portion of, you know, that mask covering that little portion of your face, I realize you're the Joker. Whoa! It's very funny.

Okay, so next on the list, we have some local impressions of foreigners. I know this comedian I started following on Twitter named Katie Delaney, who then I became friends with, and I love that about Twitter. Sometimes on Twitter and on various forms of social media, you can follow people that you admire or who entertain you or who provide you with interesting or whatever kind of...

information and then you can actually meet them in real life and become their friend. It's wonderful. So I remember it was probably, it was a couple, it was a while ago. I found her, one of the stupid video of her impersonating a bingo MC in Australia. And I, I laughed so much. I just, I watched it probably 50 times in a row. And when I, when something is funny to me, the more I watch it, the funnier it becomes. Like it's, it doesn't get, things don't really get old, right?

Things don't really get old, they just get better, which is the title of my new book about aging. Okay, so here I'm going to play the bingo MC. And I'm going to do it from my phone into the speaker, into the microphone, so I hope it works. Hello, welcome to bingo. If you're here for bingo, stay, because you're in the right place. I'll pull a number, and I've, well, I've pulled a number. I've pulled 043. If you have that number, mark it on your card.

If you've got bingo, you have to say bingo. Otherwise, I'm not going to know if you've got bingo. So you have to say bingo. I just love it so much. Bingo. And the actual transliterated version of that word in Australia is bingo. B-E-A-N-G-O-R-E, for those who are wondering.

That's Katie Delaney. Oh my God. Okay. The next, the next item on our fun little comedy is Kate updates. So this is the social media. So on New York, on Instagram, Kate updates. It is the most, oh my God. It's a gold mine of if you're ever feeling down, if you're ever feeling not so good, it's

I thoroughly advise you to go visit Instagram.com and look up Kate updates. Of course, that's Kate C-A-I-T as in Caitlyn Jenner, because it's Macy Rodman. It's brilliant comedian and performer in New York who does a very, just the most hysterically. Oh my God. It's just bulb. I'm going to play with the entire video because it's,

Because I can and I want to. It's two minutes and 45 seconds. She has this really disturbing filter, digital filter of Caitlyn Jenner on her face, and she does these incredible videos. And this one is Kate's Transsexual Checklist.

So take a listen. I just wanted to hop on here and talk to you about this. There's been some controversy in the media about this list that I'm developing to determine whether or not a person is trans. So I thought we'd just go over some of the points on the checklist and you'll see it's really not so bad. At the end of the day,

You're either trans or you're not buddy. So either check the box or you don't so let's get started I'm gonna have a golf cart pee backwards the

Sitting down. You hang glide. Cilantro tastes specifically like Castile soap. You gotta know Dr. Fauci, but you can't like him. You're friendly with Meghan McCain. You have to have some evidence of you going to a Days Inn dressed as Theresa May. Glenn Close DM'd you on Instagram. You got kicked off a plane in Oaxaca.

You eat about three quarts of sour cream a day. You confuse Madonna for Guy Pearce in certain lighting. You think hookah is overrated. Big, natural, heavy tits. When asked to do your own taxes,

You don't even know where to start. Donna Karan! Donna Karan! Transvaginal mash! They're called boobs, Ed. You only go to one Sephora 'cause you think one of the gals is hot, but you never talk to her, so instead you just steal. You get a period about four times a day. Jayden Dior fierce pointedly declined an invite to your housewarming. Café con azúcar. You drink sweet vermouth on the rocks with an orange.

Haley Joel Osment calls you about once a week by mistake. Sometimes you just fall over. Your house sent for Pepper LaBeija. Appalachian Billy Goat Seed. Heather Locklear's Essence. Vascular Atrophy. Total Eclipse of the Heart. Apple Paltrow called you a cunt at Target. Things take a turn for the worse. Epic Vistas. Mango Lassie.

Keep it warm in your mouth. Gone through a divorce. Carrot coins. Beef pinwheels. Alistair Crowley. Alison Krauss. Lady Gaga's...

Bum knee. She's got better day besides. See, that wasn't so bad. Very simple. And I just want to give a big shout out to ExxonMobil for sponsoring this video. Happy pride. Thank you, Exxon. And lastly, just live your truth, baby. Lock her up. Hey, guys. I just wanted to hop on here. Okay.

Oh, my God. Fucking A. Oh, so that's Kate Updates. C-A-I-T. Kate Update. C-A-I-T Update on Instagram. So fucking funny. Oh, my God. Epic Vestas. And she is a brilliant trans comedian. Macy Rodman. Okay. So let's finish up the comedy countdown right here in the Bald and the Beautiful. Sans Trixie.

And the next item on our agenda is, oh, Maria Bamford's stand-up album. The last bit of one of her stand-up albums. All of them are great, actually. I mean, I've seen, I think Maria Bamford is probably the funniest woman on planet Earth. And, oh, God, I've had the opportunity to see her.

And she is, I just adore everything that she does. And I got to interview her too. Oh my God. It's so funny. Okay. And another clip, this comes from Meg Stalter's Instagram, of course, starring in the incredible show Hacks. This is just a snippet of one of the, I mean, of the many, many brilliant and insane bits she does on her Instagram. Sometimes hilarious.

sometimes hour. I mean, this, she is so prolific. She's so funny. She's completely bananas. Um, I love her so much. Um, and this is a, on a trend on theme for, um, pride. This is her, um, impression of a corporation, um, uh, dipping into the pond of pride. So take a listen.

Happy Pride Month. We are sashaying away with deals. This month at the butter shop, we're running a special deal. If you can prove that you're queer, you get three pints off your choice of creamed, chucked, or drowned butter. And if you do mouth stuff, you get four. And it's awesome. So come visit. We'll make candles now. And they'll be nice for gay stuff. Just hang them out. Yeah, we would.

from the original old male's made home butter since 1945 and we've been accepting all people since the last four months so yeah we're gagging for you to come take a taste of cecily's butter chop at cecily's butter shop mom um i think is i think is gay so we think turn it off we're late

Oh my God, I love her so much. Check out Meg Stalter on Instagram or on the incredible HBO Max show Hacks with Jean Smart and Hannah Einbender. Okay, so we've got a few more items on the comedy countdown. I have just been informed that I cannot use anything that's copyrightable. So most of these things are either from Instagram

So the next one comes from this great man, person. His name is Kevin Zak, and he does these hysterical exercises.

edited videos of the Vogue 73 questions series. And they're so funny and you can find him on Instagram at Kevin J. Zach, Kevin J. Z-A-K. And he's, they're very short. So I'll include a few here. The first one is with Anna Winter. So take a listen. Anna, I'm here to ask you seven questions. Please show me your hands. So I know you're unarmed. What's your full given name?

Anna, I'm here to ask you

All right, stop. Okay. Okay, next one is Nicole Kidman. Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you seven questions. I know. Thank you so much. What's the sound of a wig caught in a blender? Pew, pew, pew, pew.

What would you want to turn into a coat? Smuffleupagus. What do you want to be buried with? My six alpacas. Is Keith Urban a bear or an otter? An otter. Whoa! What's the first thing you do in the morning? Shit.

Which first lady are you sure was a lesbian? Eleanor Roosevelt. Who's responsible for Donald Trump? Jimmy Fallon. Hi, Nicole. I'm here to ask you seven questions. Okay, next up is Victoria Beckham. Victoria, can you speak on your vocal fry? Hi, welcome. I'm going to ask you seven questions. Thank you. What's the name of your imaginary friend? That'll be Coco Chanel, the bulldog who lives in LA. Mayor McCheese or Grimace? You can't make me choose. Any advice for Glenda Jackson? Less is more. What's

What's a word that begins with A? What am I spelling? K-A-T-H. Happy Bates. What song would you play at Ginger Spice's funeral? Marvin Gaye, Gotta Give It Up. What would you say to a burn victim? Your skin's going to clear up and it's all going to be fine. Last question. Where would you find a chimney? It's on the house.

And last one, I'm sorry, we just got to do it. Last one is Kim Kardashian. Hi, Kim. I feel like it's rare that anybody gets to ask you any questions. It is really rare, so lucky you. Who is David Schwimmer most known for playing? Definitely my dad. How is parenting going? I started and I quit. What are your thoughts on the homelessness crisis? Honestly, I know it's hard, but you just have to really ignore it. What have you prepared for dinner? I don't know.

Oh.

Oh my God. Okay. Oh my God. Okay. That's it's worth checking out every single one of them. Seven questions at Kevin J. Zach's Instagram. And then I think that's, Oh, and I would think we'll end the comedy countdown. I'm not sure how many things we counted down. I intended to do 10, but I, I think we, we, we didn't quite get there. I guess we'll save some for next time, which definitely won't happen.

The next bit is the, well, you know, it's short and sweet. And I know a lot of you guys out there really struggle with trying to get motivated, trying to stay active, trying to stay productive. And this is what I found to be, if you put this on a loop, it's only about four seconds. But like I said, a lot of times the most effective things happen in short little bursts. So let's see. This is Dr. Phil.

Let's see what he has to say. You're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $200. Let's play it one more time. You're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $200. And that's our comedy countdown. Thank you guys so much. Please insert applause here. Let's take a break. Oh my God, we're back. Oh, we're back. We are back.

We're back for another delightful segment. This one is called Porno Picnic. Porno Picnic. I have selected three pornographic videos that you can find anywhere on a free site such as Pornhub or Xvideos or YouPorn or whatever. And you can watch them for absolutely no money for free. And the theme, as it is summer, is called Summer School. The

the teacher trope in the pornographic universe, the teacher trope, teacher student scenarios. Now, when it comes to porno, when it comes to pornographic materials, I am a lover of a good setup. I love a good setup and I'm even, and I love great acting. It's not necessary. Sometimes I just want to see the, you know, the hot dog slam into the spaghetti pile, but I really do love a good setup. Um,

And oftentimes you can be really, you know, it's like, you know, you go for the sauce, you stay for the cookie or whatever. You're surprised and kind of taken off guard or caught off guard by some incredible acting. So the first scene is, I'll tell you what to search. You search Ken Mack and Vance Winter. And this was a scene that was, I think, originally shot

aired on suite 703, which I don't know if there still exists, but you can watch it for free. Like I said, on Pornhub or whatever. And so this, this is where a student comes back to high school to say hi to a former teacher. And one thing leads to another. And guess what?

They fuck. That's right. And it's the student who actually does the sex to the teacher. Yeah. Yeah. The student has become the teacher when it comes to anal sex and they really get it going. Great acting, very hot, sexy. And it's, you know, it's old-ish. You can't find it in HD, I don't think. So, you know, please excuse the low fidelity, but while the fidelity might be low, the hotness is very high. Yeah.

Next one is, that is of course gay. That's gay, by the way. That's gay sex. Happy pride. The next one is between a trans woman and a cis guy. And this is a parent-teacher conference. So Johnny Hill, a porno actor, visits the classroom of Daisy Taylor for parent-teacher night. And of course, Johnny Hill seems to be about

Maybe like 30. And so it is perhaps a bit of a stretch to believe that he has a high school student, but you never know. You never know. It could have maybe take place in Illinois. And Daisy Taylor is a gorgeous trans woman who happens to be the teacher of Johnny Hill's son or, you know, I don't, I think it was a son and you wouldn't, you know, it, she forgot to wear panties, which is,

A little surprising for a teacher, especially on parent-teacher night, but I'm not here to judge anybody. And so when Johnny Hill kind of makes an overture and asks her out, she says, well, you know, this is all very flattering, but, you know, there's something you should know. I'm trans. And he says, well, I prefer that. And then, you know, one thing leads to another in these conversations.

you know, he's got his dick up her butt. It's true. Great, lovely scene. I think I actually downloaded that one into my computer. And our final teacher-student porno fantasy scenario sweepstakes getaway clip is a tennis lesson. This is a straight porn. Sorry. And it's courtesy of Tushy. Yeah.

Tushy.com, which I guess is a porn site that features anal. Thus, you know, therefore, tush. Tush as in butt. And so there is a, this is a scene between Aubrey Starr.

And Christian Clay, who also goes by the name Christian Devil, and I know that only because I've looked him up, because I really like him. I think he's Italian. He's bald, and he's got a huge dong.

So anyways, he plays a tennis teacher and he is giving private lessons to Aubrey Starr. And wouldn't you know it, once again, and this must happen a lot, which I'm not aware of it because I don't experience it myself, but she forgot to wear panties. So when she's trying to get the technique down on this particular skill, she happens to bend over and wouldn't you know, her entire ass, her whole, her pussy, her cunt, and her twat are just...

on full, vivid, flagrant display. And tennis instructor Christian can't help but notice. And they end up fucking. Fucking in the pussy and in the butt. Excuse my language. So that's a good one. And you can, of course, just search for any of the names. And then, hey, maybe watch all the clips and write down some observations and then send them in through the mail. Or you can leave a voicemail on our answering service, which is 1-900-dot-dot-dot-

Bald and the Beautiful slash messaging service. That was Porno Picnic, and I am Katya. Okay, let's take another break. And we are back. Welcome back to another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. I am unfortunately without my co-host, but fortunately for you, it is all me. And that's great. Okay, so our next segment is listener questions, which I was shocked earlier today on Twitter. I, um...

I posted a thing that said, hey, I'm doing a podcast. If you have questions, let me know. And I went through them and they are so good. I was shocked. There are a lot of them. I screenshotted a million of them and I'm going to answer them here right now. And that'll be it because I have to go to the bathroom. So let's see. Let's just get it cracking. First question comes from Ariana. Ariana's a Ariana Zamo says,

"Do you have any advice for people with stage fright performance anxiety? You're always so present and comfortable on stage. We love to see it." Well, Ariana, thank you so much, but I have to say you are dead wrong. In fact, you could not be more wrong, but that's kind of my point and I'll tell you why. So when I started performing in college,

I'll never forget, I had come up with this performance art piece that was very rehearsed and very laid out. I knew what to do and I had run through it a million times.

And I was set to start, I was set to come off, come onto the stage from stage right with my arms in a very particular position. Okay. And my sort of my arms out and my fingers curled back at me kind of like a zombie, but the other way. And like a thriller pose kind of. And my hands were shaking so much. I'm talking like

Like somebody, like I was just not like trembling. They were actively shaking, like I was wringing somebody's neck and they were invisible. Like it was so intense. I was absolutely shaking.

to my core, just terrified. This was a big stage, I should mention. And this was probably for, this was for an audience of students and faculty within the context of my performing major. But there was probably 100 people there in a large theater. It was a large theater. And it was, I was, so I had to, so long story short, I had to, I put my hands down because I just couldn't control the shaking. It would have been so noticeable to somebody, even in the back row,

And so that was sort of the start of my struggle with stage fright and performance anxiety. And so I learned in that performance group that there is a drug you can take. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it's probably a beta blocker or something like, you know, what is it? Inderol or something. You know, there's probably some kind of...

anti-anxiety ish drug that's not a benzo or anything like that that you can take. That was my teacher mentioned, you know, when we, when he talked about stage fright, he said, okay, there are some certain, you know, avenues you can go down medicinal, non-medicinal, you know, and then the focus was of course on not taking drugs or, you know, medication, but there is, I think in extreme cases, there, there are some kind of prescription that you can take. Yeah.

Because some people just get it so badly that there's nothing else they can do. But in terms of non-medicinal options, which I think really should be the focus, my teacher said the best way to not be nervous about something is to perform it a million times or to rehearse it a million times. So much that you could absolutely do it completely asleep or half dead. I don't think that...

I think that the, there are so many ways that you can add to, to stage fright and anxiety. And that number one is to be unprepared. That is, it's just so, I mean, there's so many times, especially with drag where it's not like, you know, I mean the, the,

the norm for drag performers like working in bars and stuff is not to rehearse numbers. You know, after you've, the rehearsal takes place the first time you do it. Usually you just, I mean, it's frequent that a drag performer doesn't even know the words to the song, myself included. So, you know, there's that. And I definitely, preparation is the best first defense against stage fright. You know, other than that, you know, it depends on what you're talking about. So,

you know you're to back to the question i'm i'm not present and comfortable on stage

I try to be. I'm rarely comfortable on stage. And it kind of really depends on the stage, also on my state of mind. I mean, there's so many factors, but most frequently, most likely, I'm trying to stay present and I am uncomfortable, which does not mean that I don't have fun, of course. But it's never not scary. And I think that I heard somebody say once that

if you're not nervous before a performance, then you shouldn't be performing. I think the, the, the point of that was that like either you're not trying hard enough or you don't have respect for the audience or you're just doing something. You're not in the right job. I don't know. Or maybe you suck. I, whatever. So yeah, I think, um, uh, you know, a certain degree of, uh,

of nerves is to be expected and kind of perhaps can't be avoided unless you have just, you're just like a stone cold sociopath, um, or you're on a lot of drugs or, you know, uh, when, you know, maybe you took a molly. Um, so yeah, that's my long winded answer to that one. Next question. Uh, should they have completely redone the 2000 Olympics after the vault was set too low? Who was more robbed at those Olympics, Horkina or Radhikanth?

Okay, well, this is a... Jesus Christ. I'm going to say, this is a very niche question, so I'm going to devote about two to three minutes to this for the sake of people who don't like gymnastics, and then move on. So Horkina was...

I don't think anybody was robbed. I don't think there was a conspiracy. I don't think that it was intentionally set too low to sabotage her. Quick note, when I was talking about Horkina and the vault controversy at the 2000 Olympics, I would like to correct myself. The vault was not set too high. It was, of course, set too low, which would affect the rotation and power from a gymnast who was taller than the others. So...

too low, not too high. Thank you. Horkina is a megalomaniac. She is famously a grandiose, and I'm not going to say diva. She's more than a diva. She's

She's a cunt, you know, and certain things she has said, you know, since retiring from the sport and certain observations she's made about her career and others have indicated to me that she's a total bitch. And, you know, for lack of a better word, for lack of a better word in my mind, she's kind of canceled. That being said, she it was amazing.

a bummer. But here's the thing. Horkina was great at the time, but she was also inconsistent with

Right. That was kind of the what that was kind of the the theme of the Russians. They were dazzling. They were risky. But when they fell, they fell hard and they did that in the team final. And so when Horkina missed the vault because it was and then it turned out it was too high, you know, which for a tall athlete makes a huge difference. She went on to compete on bars, but then fell.

Okay. So you could argue one way that, okay, well, she was so demoralized from falling on the vault that she didn't whatever, whatever, that it affected her bars performance. But I don't buy that because she had fallen on the bars, I think in what must not have been qualifying, but that she fell on the team final. She fell on the team final.

In the team competition, she fell on her bar routine. So, you know, she, I don't know. I think that it was just a really bad day for her. And it sucked that the vault wasn't set right. But she was given the opportunity to perform her vault again. But of course, at that point, she still wouldn't have won because she had fallen on bars. Yada, yada, yada. Raducan was stripped of her title, I believe, because after the Olympics, she was

It was found out that she took a cold medicine that was banned. Anyways, bummer. The 2000 Olympics were a fucking mess. And unfortunately, the Americans at this point didn't even factor in at all. Elise Ray was really the only one in contention. And as far as the coverage on NBC was, I think she was really the only one that really got some love. Although maybe Dominique Dawes did as well. She was still doing her thing in 2000. Okay, moving on.

What languages do you still want to learn in the future? This is also from Ariana Zama. I would say, oh, I mean, Italian and Spanish. And I think I'll just stick to Italian and Spanish. Yeah. Okay. Next question comes from Casshole0372.

What decaffeinated instant coffee should everyone be drinking? And of course, the answer to that is high point, darling. It's decaffeinated. Okay, next question comes from Crybaby Cancer. Love that. Death knocks on your door and gives you these choices. One, continue life as you are. You will never decrease in wealth, fame, or success, but will die at 50. Or two, transfer to another universe where you are not famous, but are wealthy, healthy, and travel with the love of your life. Okay.

I mean, shit. What's everybody doing? I mean, I'm going to say two. I just because, you know, another universe. Come on. Who wouldn't take that opportunity? Also, you get to who cares about being famous? But if you're wealthy, healthy and travel with the love of your life, mama, that is all you need, honey. Let's see. The next question. Gothi Cherry comes. Let's see. If you could have anyone to be the narrator of your life, who would it be?

Oh, it would probably be either Amanda Plummer or Fran Lebowitz. Next question is Adore You Manila. Ugh, just kidding.

Uh, how is learning Latin for you? Latin was my first foreign language and I had it for nine years and the grammar makes so much sense. What do you think? Is it easier than other languages? I loved Latin. I had, I took three years of Latin in high school and I'll never forget. Um, the teacher's name was Jennifer Healy, Miss Healy. I think she got married and then had a new last name, but I don't remember what it was. And, um,

She was so funny. She was like a nerd and very nerdy. Big surprise, Latin teacher. And she would say, ten aequos, discip, which means hold your horses. And discip was an abbreviation of discipoli, which is students. So fucking nerdy and stupid, but I loved it. And it was great. I remember the first or second day of class,

I had her translate for me a sentence, a long sentence that was on the, I think the back or the cover booklet to one of the Jenna Torturers albums, 120 Days of Sodom. And I don't remember what the Latin was, but I remember that the translation, which she got back to me the next day was, these theaters are prepared for evil deeds. The Jenna Torturers. Yeah.

Okay, so the next one, Olive Juice wants to know, out of all of the David Lynch characters he has created, which one do you feel you relate to most and why? Oh, that would probably be Nadine from Twin Peaks. So I'll pick the top three. Nadine from Twin Peaks, because the energy of a...

of a lady with an eye patch trying to obsessively come up with a silent fix to drape running, trying to invent drape runners that run silently. And then going back to high school with superhuman strength, just with amnesia, or the hobo who pops out of the dumpster and gives the guy a heart attack in Mulholland Drive.

And the third one would be the log lady, of course. But I don't really relate to her so much as I aspire to that energy. She's a role model. I would say Nadine. I'm Nadine in real life. In my fantasy, I'm the log lady. Let's see, next question.

This comes from Nini Funky Funk. If I move to Marlborough and drink the water, will my teeth be as white as yours? Yes. That is scientifically 100% true. You should move to Marlborough at once and stop living the brown tooth life. This comes from Blood Fetish 69. Which were your favorite artists during your goth days?

I would, let's see, I had probably Skinny Puppy. I had many, many, many of their CDs, probably all that were available at the time. This is in the 90s. And...

Let's see what else. At the time, Skinny Puppy. I listened to a lot of compilations. I've discovered new music through compilations. They were always like releasing goth and industrial compilations that feature different artists. And through those, I found, I say Skinny Puppy. That's more, that's not really goth. It's more like industrial. But I liked Switchblade Symphony, I think, which was a, they were like a,

girl group from San Francisco and um Serpentine gallery I recently relistened to some of their stuff and I don't love it all that much but and then Sopra Eternus was a great that was a they were fantastic that was very goth of um and actually this you're this person who asked the question has the Anna Varney as their avatar or avatar okay so yeah Sopra Eternus was also a good one

Next question, we'll just do a few more because this is getting boring, I can tell. What did you enjoy doing in your pre-COVID life that you miss doing the most? Sucking dick and cock. I would say going to the movies and having sex. Yeah, I love going to the movies and I like having sex. I love going to movies and I like having sex. So I miss those things. Now, of course, you can still do those things, but, you know, I miss going to the movies. I miss the $40 pretzels.

So I'm hoping to go back to the movies and buy a $40 pretzel and then maybe have sex in the bathroom. Just kidding. I wouldn't do that. Do you, this comes from, um, hi, Anandra Haran. Uh, do you have a current habit that you wish you could have started earlier? Smoking. I only started smoking when I was like 14. I should have got it on the ground floor. And I, you know, so ideally in a perfect world, I would have started smoking cigarettes pack a day by age 10. Definitely. No question about that.

What is your ideal setting to perform? What's the atmosphere like? How is everyone acting? Who would you love to perform with? This comes from Alyssa underscore JPEG. That's a great question. I would say...

It's in a cabaret-like setting, a mid-sized theater with about 300 people. They're all muzzled and well-fed, you know, tranked in the neck and eyes taped open. And I'm just wiggling. And there's, you know, all my family's there and extended family, cousins, second cousins, people we've met along the way. You know, big stage, small audience, no seats. And I think that would be the vibe. That'd be really special. Yeah.

Alright, well, thank you guys so much. This has been a real pleasure to do. A bit of a laborious task, but you know, when it comes to laborious, nobody has that category beat like Trixie Mattel, so hopefully we'll be able to record soon. She is, of course, the queen of gay pride and just the queen of being gay and the queen of being a queen. So pour one out for Miss Trixie. You know, empty your gas tank, have a sandwich,

order a burrito, and we'll see you next time on The Bald and the Beautiful.

Have a lovely day. And please, don't drink and drive.