Ice Luges, Lit Cigarettes, & Non-Flushable Turds with Trixie and Katya
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I just heard. Are we the less interesting American version of Brenda Call Me? Probably. Brenda. Yeah. You brought something from your studio that I love. Non-fleshable turds. Oh, Starburst. So good. Yeah. One of my favorite things about going to your studio is I know that the snacks are going to be- You say one of the favorite things. The only thing I like about going to your studio. You notice whenever I show up, it's always when I've been on a run and I happen to be in front of your house. Yeah. And I-

Where's the bowl? Where's the bowl? Yeah. That's one thing about, I mean, hospitality wise, I'm not very good at anything, but I always do keep a nice gold bowl filled with pink and red and fuchsia starbursts. It is a known fact that a lady do have a bowl of starburst. That's right. I got my bangs trimmed during between episodes. I don't know. What do you think? They'll go out. Yeah, they'll go out. I don't know if I should probably get guy lights maybe.

Did people ever call men's highlights guylights? They still do. Yeah. Guy liner? Yeah. Doesn't it make you want to just take the noose right now? I'm so tired. Imagine how tired we are. Well, you don't have to change it to guy because both any gender has eyes. Yeah. In fact, most species do in fact have eyes.

Many, if not most species. However, enough about science. What we can talk about today. Hi. Hi, George. Let's talk about what happened at the mall the other day. Okay. So let me pick. Oh, by the way, I watched the episode where I talked about the ayahuasca journey and you really let me tell a story.

You really let me tell the whole story. I don't like it. I mean, I'm not saying it was like this prodigious, like prodigious feat of selflessness. Like you, I mean, you're just struggling through. I mean, I felt like you were engaged and it was like, no, all the comments were like, Trixie's not talking. This is the best episode ever. So that's no, no, no, no, no. Tell us what happened at the mall. What is different about you right now?

What is different about you? Oh, it's the headphones with the no hat. Glasses? Yeah. I like this look. You do? Yes. I just got them. Oh, I hate it. Put it back on. Put it back on. I love those glasses on you. I don't know. Oh, they're from Oliver People's.

Mama, Oliver Peoples is the one. It is? Yes, Oliver Peoples is the one. Yes. It is? Yeah. Those frames are perfect for you. Oh, good. Thanks. In a lovely, neutral, flattering color. I always want to get glasses like this because I always wanted to look like the girl from Ghost World, Dora Birch in Ghost World. But then I look like that turtle guy from Rocco's Modern Life. I don't know.

I feel like these are fabulous for your face. Thank you. I have glasses too. I got a bunch of new glasses because I thought I'd start wearing them again. Because I find that people recognize me less in glasses. And sometimes I don't want to get recognized. Do the beagle puss. The nose and the mustache. Very discreet. I'll do baseball cap with glasses. And then I don't think people really clock me. People clocked me a lot with the mask and a hat on.

Of course the hat said... Well, the smell. The hat said something in Russian and then I was wearing like Katya flip-flops. Two cigarettes. Yeah, two cigarettes. Yeah. Do people ever do cigarette in this and cigarette in this? No. That? Two at a time? Yeah, do they ever? Well, you can't. Think about it. Oh, wait. You could do this. Oh, fuck.

Do an American spirit here and then a clove here. And a menthol. Yeah. Do you remember when clove cigarettes were a thing? They still are. Were you into that? Yep. You were? Yeah. Goth. Big staple of the goth community. Because they smell like ham. They do not smell like ham. They smell like cloves. America. Cloves are added to ham to make the ham less hammy.

Are you a farmer? No, but I'm an eater and I've eaten my share of ham. To be fair, I couldn't tell you what ham tastes like anymore. So tastes like piggy meat. It tastes like bacon, right? Exactly. Well, not like it, but that's, it's the same animal.

Ham is gross though. Why ham? If I was ever going to cheat, which you know I've cheated on. I've vegetarianism before. But you're not cheating. I wouldn't start with ham. Slight deviations. What is this obsession with calling? Why can't we say what it is? Yeah, we're going to roast some pig. Roast up that piggy. You know, cow, beef. I think people don't like being confronted with the reality of what they're eating. Or that is a preposterous assumption. It's the difference between you want to rim me, tongue my shitter.

You know what I mean? It's a different vibe. I read a porn story where that word shitter was used repeatedly to refer to the anus in an erotic way. My shitter? Yeah. Oh, my shitter. He plunged his death rod deep inside his tight, hairy shitter. My shitter-ess. Shitter-ess. Like my shitter-ess.

My shit slit? My shit slit and my, um, my, um, your, your, your dick. No, your, um. My brown recluse. Well, now that's close to home because, um, the, the, no, what is it? The, um, your clitty. Do you want me to play with your clitty? People saying clitty? This is to refer to, it would be, people have said it to me. Does the woman say clitty? No, this is, it was, it was said to me in reference to my penis while I was in drag.

And the man was asking, and this is interesting because he was asking, what is the, what is the, your preferred terminology for the situation happening right now? Because, and I was actually impressed by that because he was like, he didn't want to say, I want to, you want me to touch your dick? Because if, if he didn't know, maybe I don't identify as a man, therefore I don't think of it as a dick or whatever. You know what I mean? So on and so forth. It was a fascinating thing. Although the terminology he offered was not to my liking.

A respectful... It was like, what are the pronouns of your genitals? A respectful transamorous lover. He was very respectful. I love that. Yeah, and he was DTF, mama. Was he? Everything else. Did he want it? Yes, and his asshole was like the holy grail. Did you let him have it? I let him have it. I mean, I would let him have it all. Let him take me to the bank and just foreclose my home. I think about him actually all the time. All the time. He would sit on my face and suck on my clitty.

Uh-huh. For hours. You love that. I love it. There was this guy I used to go out with who lived next to the California pizza kitchen on Hollywood Boulevard. And he just wanted me to sit on his face for hours. Yeah. It's a thing. He didn't even care if he came. That was me. Yeah. He was just ready. He was just, he was. It's not about the destination. It's all about that journey. He was old country buffet. Yeah. In fact, one, although it was interesting. No old country buffet for old men.

What is it? Old country buffet for no men. No, what is it? Something, something for old men. No country for old men. No country buffet for old men. No country buffet for bald men. Question. Is there anybody from your past sexual dead or alive that if you could have that hookup magically happen again? Yes, absolutely. Yes. His name is Dylan and he was in the army.

And I probably talked about him before, but this boy, at the time he was in his early 20s and I was probably, I was 30. It was when my sexual renaissance or reemergence. And he would come over and we would have sex all night long. No drugs, totally sober. He would come five times. He was in the army and you were leggy.

go on. He was, uh, he was like a specimen of, he was a, a perfect male specimen, naturally hairless, groomed, very large dick, incredible ass, clean hygiene on point, tight fade, beautiful. Like he was like, um,

Not well educated but very intelligent He was just the dream man The dream man Super chill Evolved Not pretentious And he could get that I would We would Fuck He would come And then we would chill and smoke He smoked Which I loved And then Did you smoke in the bed? No no no We'd go to the couch Or go to the bar I had a little bar in the house And then smoke And then I would just rub his shoulders And then the dick would go up again And I would be like It's It's part three

This is the Godfather 3. Let's do it. Is he straight identifying? He was straight identified. Yeah, he mostly dated women. Did they douche? He, so, okay, he did not douche, but he cleansed very well because I ate his ass like a turkey dinner. Thanksgiving feast, like Babette's feast. No, we get it. Like the last supper. Yeah. Like my last meal in prison. Like the only meal. In and out. But he was not a bottom.

So we were kind of at an impasse because I was not yet able to receive penises in my asshole. Uh-huh. And his was quite girthy. So, but we just did everything else. So much kissing. I mean, this was like so romantic, so hot, so incredible all night long. And then we would talk about things that were actually interesting. Talk about things that were actually interesting. Can I just say that the surprise hit, the sleeper hit of a good hookup?

Is somebody you don't mind talking to afterward. It's the sleeper hit. It's like coming again. It's, it's mind blowing. Like, because as you know, and as many of the listeners know, once the, the ejaculation has occurred, mama, the crew has gone home three weeks. I mean, wrapped in the parties. Crafty has already put the food away. He's gone. I mean, legals even like left the building. Like it is done. This was like, but of course I didn't come the whole night. I wouldn't come. I sometimes I wouldn't come until after he left, which would be like four in the morning.

I was recently thinking of Joan Crawford being like the first person on set in the morning, 5 a.m. Wait, what are you talking about? Well, you know, like in Hollywood, a lot of times you hear of like A-list stars where they're like, oh, she's the first one on set in the morning. He's always the first one there. He gets there when the light people gets there. Really? Like, it's like a measure of how dedicated you are. Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Will that ever be you? On set?

No. Me neither. No, no, no, no, no. I care about stuff. No. I'm never getting there first. No, but I'll get there when it's appropriate for me to get there. I was like, if there's a time, I will try to be five minutes earlier than that. Yes. That's pretty much it. Same. Yeah. I might not always be there on time or however that rap song goes. Or be there. Yeah. You know, we might...

Cast you like runestones again. But wait, why did I say that? Why were we talking about the sex thing? Oh, I asked you if there was a hookup you wish you could relive. What about you? Dr. Demonica. If we're being honest. No, let's lie. Not really. Oh, just a string of shitty ones? Well, I don't think I've had a hookup that blew. I mean, not that they haven't blown my mind, but like.

Was so miles and leagues above the rest. I guess I haven't had too many horrible ones. Maybe that's why. I was going to say, oh shit. Well, fuck all these hookups. What are we all doing? Fuck all your former hookups who are listening right now. Fuck all them. You non-memorable piece of shit forgettable hookups. I don't think so. No. Did you ever leave or have someone leave your house and you kind of sat down and you're like, whoa, what the fuck?

Wow. And then immediately call a girlfriend to talk about it. No, I will say I have no chill. And sometimes they'll leave and I text. No, no. That was amazing. No. Is that weird? It's not weird. It's certainly honest. It's creepy. You don't do that. You call a girlfriend and say that. You call your girlfriend. Yeah. Say we've had the talk. Do you like Robbins music? I do. Me too.

Call your turd friend. NFT, non-flushable turds. You getting in on the ground floor with cryptocurrency? Let's change the subject. I don't really understand it. No, I don't either. The only people who are telling me about crypto are white people with dreads. Are necro. You know what I mean? It's a lot of white straight people being like,

What is it with white straight men and like the idea of like, it's this new currency. You all get it. We're going to be rich. We're going to be writing golf cards on the moon tomorrow. Yeah. Murray. Yeah. Fuck that. I want to go back to like, I want to go back to sawbacks and like, um, the blooms gold to bloom. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, even a credit card is too much. I'm ready for like whatever the subdermal, like,

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody can steal my identity. Nobody can steal my thing. Bloop. Bloopity bloop. Yeah. And nobody could control you remotely with that either. Give me, how about an acrylic pinky nail that has a square reader in it? Yeah. And if, um, if you really want to just, if you really want out of the system off the grid, you just go whack with a meat cleaver. So we're at the mall. Oh wait, before we get, we didn't even talk about, we're getting us to the mall because I remember the train of thought that I got derailed on. Okay. We take a break. Absolutely. We're taking a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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And we're back. So let's go back to the train station. We went to the mall for a meeting with our management. We did. And our agents. And we had to get an Uber. So, of course, as our agents and managers leave in their $75,000 cars without offering us a ride. Valet. Yeah, valet cars. We're at the entrance of the mall calling an Uber. I try to call an Uber. It takes 45 minutes and it costs $300. So Trixie calls one. It comes. It comes.

As it approaches, she realizes that it's at the other end of the mall. So we hustle through the mall. I'm speedwalking. And then we're like, she's like, oh, I really don't want to miss this Uber. Neither do I. So we're galloping. And then once we exit the mall, she begins to sprint. Like she is Florence Joyner or Jackie, Florence Griffith or Jackie Joyner, Kirstie or. Forrest Gump more accurately. Forrest Gump. There you go. That's Forrest Gump.

And there is, and I'm like, okay, I happen to have sneakers on, although I was wearing very tight jeans and I'm a heavy smoker, probably 30 cigarettes a day. And this, she is gooning. She is rubbernecking every like 25 feet. Gooning and baiting. Gooning, just grinning. Like, are you still there? And I'm keeping up. I'm earnestly trying to catch the Uber though. Which I also was. I'm not trying to like show off. No, no, no, no, no, no. I was very aware of that. We were both in the same boat, except my boat didn't have an engine. And we were.

Well, the thing is I did the marathon journey, but we've never run side by side in our lives. We've never exercised together. Never. Never. We don't do that. So I'm running to catch the Uber and I realize you're not with me. Yeah. And I'm looking over the shoulder and the distance is growing. The distance is growing. Yeah. The look on your face is changing. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm smiling. She is the grin. Mama. It was just like, it was like.

I have never been in a situation. And I'm laughing too, but I'm laughing and I can't breathe because I'm running. So I'm like torn. I was like, I think this is funny, but I should really conserve my air because I don't have enough oxygen in my body. It was, it was honey. It's a long time coming because it was, it was my whole life. I've had to sit next to this 110 pound person on camera who can do a back flip and the splits who can disappear into the clouds of narcotics for two years and come back with abs. Yeah.

And for once I was good at something. She left me in the dust. If you guys could have seen the joy. And it was just, I hate that. You know what? We got cameras now. We got cameras all the time. We got the only time we're ever together is on camera. And this is one of the two moments that I wish of. I really wish the other moment that I'll talk to you about. So, well, anyways, we ran, we run, we continue to run. Now anybody can run. You can run from a killer. Sure. You run fast.

But when you, when we're talking about distance, we're talking about endurance, muscular and cardiovascular endurance distance. Unless you run often. I don't know if most people have a few minutes of sprinting in them. No, I was not sprinting. I was running. You were probably jogging. And I, my version of that is running. I'm also taller than you. Taller, taller people are faster. And you just ran a marathon, but I'm trying to keep up. And would you say that was about a half a mile?

Are you kidding me? A quarter of a mile, maybe a quarter of a mile. Oh my God. That's funny because me and Courtney, what we did all of Runyon the other day. And then we walked to a restaurant. I was like, that was at least six miles. It was 0.8 miles.

I was like, I was limping the next day because we did the whole of Runyon, the hard side, like the hard way, the whole thing. And then we walked all the way down to Melrose. Courtney will get you together. Mama, mama. Courtney Act is a liar. Listen to this. She had barely a dewy glow. It was 85 degrees. In fact,

And we did all of Runyon in like hard climbing. She had a dewy, like misty glow to her beautiful golden complexion. I was dropping buckets of perspiration the entire time into the lunch. Flopping. Flopping the whole time. And we decided that the next, she's writing a book. The title of her next book is going to be called When Good Things Happen to Perfect People.

The Courtney Act story. The Courtney Act experience. I just saw a video of her. She had one of the Trixie Mattel hand mirrors and she was in the back of a car and she pulled her mask off and she's touching up. She's using a Grand Illusion lip gloss from MAC, which is a sheer frosty lip gloss. And she's putting it on and touching up and looking in the mirror. And I'm like, and it's like the camera angles here. She still looks like Emma Roberts. I know. But you know what though? That's why I'm grateful for Vanity because together when she's next to Vanity, Courtney looks cute.

But Vanity is gorgeous. And Kourtney is at peace with that. And so is Vanity. Oh, bitch. Vanity loves it. Loves it. But it's true. Vanity is something else. She'd walk up to someone in a Kourtney shirt and be like, big Kourtney fan, huh? Yeah. She'd check out Vanity. Yeah. Really put things in perspective. If you like Kourtney, you're going to love Vanity. You know, I mean, it's incredible because she is beautiful, obviously. But then...

Vanity transcendent. I just got a bunch of new vanity wigs because she's doing all the hard fronts now. Oh, thank God. I got two shazas, two dollies, two genies. Y'all can't take it. And two bets. Bets, dollies, and genies. Well, okay. So, okay. The mall. The other moment I wish was caught on camera was at the meet and greet. Oh, we already talked about it on. No, we didn't. We didn't?

What was it? Oh, you tweeted about it, at least. Remember when we did the Milwaukee thing? Oh, no. You need to tell them exactly what happened. So today we were going to talk about gigs in general. The gigs are coming back. We're getting back to live entertaining. And my first live gig back was at Trixie's Bar. And it...

It was so- This is it in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on Wells Street. It was so fun. Top to bottom, the only unpleasant thing about it was just being in the airplane. And that wasn't even that bad. Yeah. When I landed, from the moment I landed to the moment I left, it was like one of the best experiences of my entire life working. It was so fucking fun. I had to cancel. I had to cut up a girl's credit card because she kept throwing it on the stage three times. I found one when I got home too. I found a credit card and I cut it up. I just had to cut it. I cut it right up and shredded it.

Why are people always trying to do the, it's not, it's not a brilliant original comedy move to tip a drag queen your card. It's not my responsibility to find you later and give it to you. No, but they're thinking I want to give you everything because I'm so wasted. Isn't that funny? And then two hours later when they sober up, they're like, where's my Jebukai? You know, so anyway, it has nothing to do with me. I'm at the footlocker spending $10,000. Hello. That part, that part, that part.

It was a huge weekend after. Pre-Pride. We had you pre-Pride. It was a Sunday. By the way, the bar's been open since 1968. We had the biggest sales day on human record ever. People buying drinks. Oh my God. It was just... Everybody was so excited to be out again. It was me and her on a stay. It was so fun. And the place is beautiful. It was the perfect re-emergence into...

If I had to go like perform in a theater, I'd probably have nervous breakdown, you know, with this was just to get up on stage. I was like, okay, do I remember how to do drag? Do I remember how to point and look and mouth and everything? And I got to perform my own song. And it was just like, it was so, it was just so fun. I kept like screaming. I was like, this is so fun. I just couldn't handle it. Um, people were so generous with the tips that iron horse hotel fucking turnt me. I,

The food of the Iron Horse? I didn't get to. Oh, no, the waffle. Best waffle I've ever had in my life. You live? Had two of them. I ate it in 13 seconds and hailed it like a Dyson vacuum. And I told the host at the hotel, I was like, that waffle was the best thing I've ever eaten in my life.

She said, it's like, okay, okay. Okay. Yeah. So it was so good. I got a, I got a golden bowl of starburst at my studio. So I know good food. Yeah. I'm what you could call it. Gourmand connoisseur. I mean, it was so, it was so good, but the people, so during the meeting, great, which was again, strange after a year and a half of not really knows anything.

social interaction with strangers. It was, it was like being a sleeper agent. I was up there taking money because I also don't, we don't really lip sync on, like in bars anymore. I haven't, yeah, but it's been a while. I was like, I remember this. Yeah. Oh, I used to do this. It was the moment in A Long Kiss Goodnight when Geena Davis realizes she's chopping vegetables. Yes. Brrrr.

She's like, I used to do this. That was me taking money from teenagers. I used to do this. And I was doing Get This Party Started, the Shirley Bassey version, in a gown and an updo, feeling like the only cross-dresser, dancing diva of Texas, 10 dancing toes, baby sister of drag. The inventor of the modern drag pageantry system. Systema.

So then we get to the meet and greet. Only 50 people love it. 50 people ushered in individually, which is, you know, usually you are like in some kind of crowded area that's noisy and there's a line. And like, I personally feel like that energizes me because then I'm performing, like, I feel like I'm interacting not only with the person, but also kind of giving a show. So it helps when you don't, you feel kind of tired. It's like motivating. So this was a little bit different. People were ushered in individually. There's a woman that comes in.

About halfway through and she, um, she's dressed kind of like me, honestly, like black, red and kind of slutty and cute. And she goes right to Trixie and she says, I love your style. And then she like kind of cranes her neck towards me and she says, and I love your attitude.

It was so fucking funny. It was... It took me out. I fell on the floor. You know when people say, that took me out. That took me out. I fell on the floor. I was actually R-O-F-T-L, whatever you call it. That's what I was doing. Yeah. She was so earnest. She goes, and I love your attitude. Your attitude. She goes, I love your style. Yeah. And I love your attitude. It was the delivery. I wish... I'm like, why? Why the fuck? If anything could have been filmed, it was that. Because it was so...

It's so funny and so like, that is a great example of the kind of shenanigans that happen at a multi-girl meet and greet because sometimes, Mary, have you ever done a meet and greet with one or two other rude girls? Are you kidding? Especially just one other one. Are you kidding? Okay, let's just address the situation, mom. Yeah. You and I are very lucky enough to have fans on a different level than most drag queens. Yeah. And so when I'm at a group situation, I feel awkward because they will beeline past six cross-dressers

Step on them. Cry at my feet. Yeah. Step on them. And then, and then say nothing to any of them. And then, and then the, the, the feeling of those drag Queens, their energy to me, the glaring eyes, the contempt, the disgust, the indifference is burning a hole in your synthetic weight. And then somebody will go like, well, make sure Trixie's on the end. Yeah. Or, or like, yeah. And I, I offer late in those names. Like I tried to, or they'll have a Trixie shirt. They'll try to get all of them to sign it.

Or the other thing is like, I don't know what's worse, ignoring them all or then taking up all this time with me and then trying to offer some kind of patronizing commentary. Very attitude. Like, yeah, like, you guys are great too. It's like, just go. Just go. Just go. Just go, Lisa. Just go. Don't say that. It's really a thing. The group meet and greets are hard. And, you know, it's very different because I've been with some girls where,

they, they'll, they'll, they'll take the picture smiling. They love it. And some girls where any little thing is an affront to the fact that you said hi to me and not them. It's, it's very, have you ever been in a situation where the other girl was asked to take the picture of you and the girl? Yeah. Have you, have you ever, do you remember what, what, what, when we were, when we were working on our book, then we were on a phone call.

Now let me tell a story, honey, darling. Honey. See you again, girl. See you again. Okay, we're also at a... You have to specify the time period because we're this to happen now. Okay, you tell the story. I love people how this happened. We were being pitched a book and we were talking about how we could sell copies. It would be great. We can sell these. And I believe he said something along the lines of,

You know, I mean, she's like, Trixie, people like you, but Katya, we really can sell books with you. No, that was the gist, but I wish we could remember the exact verbiage. I don't remember what you said. Okay, but the gist was, basically they were saying the, you know, just in terms of like the risks of making the New York Times bestselling list or, you know, selling well, you know, our impact and our reach. He was like, you know, the both of you, it's great, but...

He said like individually, both of you really bring some of the table together. It's great. Especially Katya. I mean, your fan base is just huge. Which it is. It is. It is. And also it was just. I mean, he made you seem like chopped liver. Yeah. And it's also fine. But to say it that way on a call was like. It was so not. That's what you say when the person's not in the room.

It was very like, it was not, it was tactless. It was a gag. It was a gag. And I think you, you're not the type of person. I didn't say anything. You didn't? No, I think I was like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Call is ending. Did you hear what was just said? Yes. I was on a call with Bob recently. We were on something and somebody said, Trixie. All right. We want to talk about music. You're a musician. No offense, Bob, but Trixie's a musician. She's released music, like successful music. Yes. Yes.

So to imply that I understand what he's saying. Cause I play instruments and I write, I understand that. Yeah. But like to insinuate that club music or rapping or is not music. Yeah. Or is it not a musician? Yeah. I was like, if I call Bob the next day and I was like, did that bother you? Cause that was kind of, he was like, yeah, it bothered me, but it wasn't worth it to say anything. And I was like, cause if I was you, I might've gathered that woman. Was it live? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, okay. I might've gathered that woman. Yeah. Actually whore. Yeah. Cause you know me, you know me, you love to gather. I, we were on some, remember when we were shooting Netflix here, but we were separate still. And I would be shooting by myself and they'd like, Trixie, can you up and restart camera a, and I'd be like, yeah, I'd love to. Like, I mean the, it was, how do you speak of volumes without, with just saying a few words, you're like, sure, I'll do that right now.

I know, I know, I know. I mean, and then, and then I am so grateful for what, and then you take it a step further, which I'm really grateful for because I don't do this. You just say, if we're not done soon, I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah. You just say like, we got it. Okay. Like you let them know that you're not really asking if we got it. You're telling them we're moving on. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we got it. Yeah. Well, let's go. Yeah. And it's, I mean, you have, it's, it's really nice that you do that. I mean, I just have one of those tones. It's the tactless declarative, but also in drag, whatever amount of me wants to hide when I'm feeling is gone.

When I'm in drag, there's something where I'm just like. Yeah, it's no filter, honey. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what it is. And also, well, here's the thing, because we have to advocate for ourselves in so many more ways than the average talent does. You know what I mean? As we wear many hats. And some of them are wigs. Some of them are wigs. And also we're wearing just the act of being in drag is itself very uncomfortable. It's work to just sit there. Well, let's take one more break. Okay. And we're back. Let me fix my bangs. Hold on.

That's what sometimes I'm like, have we done a good job tricking people into thinking we're celebrities? Because in reality, we don't have lives like anyone I know that's famous. I certainly don't. I live a very meager, humble little apartment, you know, in Hollywood. I would not say meager. I've lived like more modestly before, but, and I also rent a studio, but like, I'm not

I mean, I'm bawling in the sense that I don't cook any meals. I have them all professionally prepared by Wolfgang Puck. Yeah, I'm bawling in that I can call an Uber and when it's on surge, I still call it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that's bawling. Yeah, for me, I mean, I'm bawling in that like I eat every meal out almost. That's bawling to me, but it's not at Spago. Does it ever make you think that you're wasting money though? Of course I am. I started getting Instacart during pandemic and I never stopped because I was like, the amount of money on Postmates for

For years. Can't do it anymore. Oh, Trixie, I keep Grubhub afloat, personally. You are the grub. Yeah, I'm the hub in the grub. I'm the grub in their hub. You're the grub's hubby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't matter because as long as I sleep, water, food, as long as those are taken care of, we'll work on the fine-tuning later. And bangs. Well, how's your eyebrow journey?

The eyebrow journey is tough because if I'm going to do drag, I have to shave half of them off. This is just a thing. Can we be translucent? Transparent? Well, translucent means the light shines through.

Yeah. Can we let the light shine through on this situation, mama? I wish you would. Let's Windex the windows. As you know, I'm becoming a DJ and I've been downloading a lot of EDM tracks for my library because I read on the internet that a DJ has to have songs for every type of event. Yeah. So I downloaded the EDM version of Jolene from the movie Dumplin. Okay. And I watched the music video and I saw you.

Oh, no. I saw you. In the tire swing? I saw you in the tire swing in an outfit that I believe belongs to a different character of yours. Trish? I believe you're in a Trish denim onesie. And I believe you were covering your brows and drying them on completely at the time. Mary Dugan? Mary Dugan? Terrible. It looked like a Snapchat filter. It's bad. It was two black worms.

It was so bad. And this is coming from someone who's made a lot of eyebrow mistakes in my life. I have made and I continue to make many mistakes in the beauty realm. But I watched and I went, that's why she uses her real eyebrows. Well, guess what? The gag also is the first show. So I shaved him off completely once and then went to perform live and realized.

Eyebrows actually serve a quite useful purpose of blocking stripping sweat from the forehead from entering the eyeball. And disintegrating the lash glue. And also liquefying the eyeshadow on its journey down towards the chin.

Yes. So what I was that lashes wet, it's not glueable that you can't fix it. 15 minutes into the show. I had black glitter tears, droopy lashes, and was completely on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I was like, Ooh, never again. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to talk about any further than that. So it was a big time lesson learned. And I was like, and I've shaved them off. I had never shaved them off before. It was the first time completely. I was like, okay, naked mole rat cancer patient. Here we go. I was ready to do it, ready to commit. And then I was like, fuck.

It's not possible. It was so bad. It was literally pouring into the inner part of my eyeballs, pooling in my eyes, glitter and eyeshadow. Sting. Sting. Horrible. Hurt. Everything. Yeah. And I wasn't, I came off stage for the first, after the first section and realized, Oh God, there's nothing we can do in time to fix this. You just had to go on. It was rotten. So you had to leave the running makeup on your face? Yep.

Luckily, Trish was next. You mean Jolene? Yeah, Jolene. Jolene was next. So we're going back to gigs. Things are coming back to sort of whatever the new normal. Back to me. Yeah, return to you. Returning to me, the Trixie Mattel story. I want you to describe to me your ultimate dream gig.

We're talking theaters, we're talking bars. We're talking your ultimate theatrical presentation of your talent. I want to talk how, where is it? How many people? What's it like? I'm going to do the whole thing. To be honest, when Grown Up is going on, which we still have two more American dates, my LA date only has 90 tickets left. If you're in LA, get the ticket. Sold out. Get the tickets, baby. Get the tickets. Get the tickets, baby. Get the tickets. Get the shoes. Wait, actually get the shoes. Yeah.

Get the shoes, baby. Get the shoes. Rochester, New York. Britney Spears was cloned. Oh my God. Magic Society. T. What's on the other one? Te gusta la... Stay Queer as fuck. Look at the leg muscle. Everybody can... And also look at the Gucci track suit. The Gucci... Oh yeah. Look how dirty the socks are. Oh my God. Yeah. That's a shadow. That's a shadow. Mm-mm. Yeah.

Okay. To answer your question, my ideal gig starts SUVs. Okay. It is an air conditioned SUV. Yeah. And there's a driver who's nice to me, but doesn't talk to me that much. Well, actually, you know, and those are those usually when you book a service, a car service that is, you know, of a higher level and price point than an Uber, of course, you have preferences that you're able to, to indicate like temperature preference, cool, warm, whatever. Yeah. Conversation, quiet, whatever. You gotta, you gotta, you gotta.

If I request conversation, will they talk to me? Do they have to talk to me? I'm sure that they will see that they...

In my experience, they will get all the relevant information to tailor the experience to your absolute pleasure. So when Grown Up is going on, there's this opening number called We Got the Look from Barbara. It's like 15 minutes long. There's vamps with the band playing under me while I tell these jokes. There's like five costume changes. I'm ripping them off and tossing them while I'm telling jokes. I have never felt cooler, more famous, richer, beautiful.

When the show's been going 15 minutes and I'm on costume number five. Yeah. That is lit. She's making money moves. That's the ideal gig. And then I leave. It's just one number. The rest of the show, I put on the movie, The Country Bears, the Blu-ray, and everyone loves it. And I leave. How many people are watching and where is it taking place? What city? It's about 1500 people are there. Okay. And it's a small venue with tiers. So it feels big, but everyone could see me good. Okay. It's probably in...

Los Angeles or Chicago or London. Okay. London people like comedy. Yeah. They turn, they turn. Yeah. I was like performing in London, the air conditioning, an issue. I don't think even, um, I was at Sinespia the night Sinespia the other night with our managers and my assistant. Did you have a discussion? I said, was there a discussion? Feel the room. Yeah. Feel the room. Feel the room. This is air conditioning. Yeah.

Well, not less this. I said, now that we all, now that you guys have let me feel this, it can never not happy like this. Yeah. Once you taste the sweet nectar of the God, you can't go back. I mean, it's true. It's like once you've slept on a Casper or whatever, you know, you can't go back to the nail bed. It's like, it's,

I don't know. And I think I was talking about it. I think I finally talked about it to our management company. I was like, so we've been doing this for 84 years. It's been 84 years of pain and suffering. Yeah. And it has to change. The temperature has got to change. We were on set the other day and there was no air conditioning all day. Yeah. All day. And I had just come from our, um,

I think two days before that, I had filmed with Tammy Brown at PEG, the studios there. 90 degrees in Burbank. No air conditioning unit at all. Not one air conditioning unit. There's no, you know when people say there's no AC, they mean there's like not powerful AC. I'm talking there was none.

In between takes, they had to blast three fans at me in order to keep me from taking all of the knives from the kitchen and shoving them into my neck. Or taking the front off the fan unit, the window unit, and using it as a weapon and chopping someone to pieces. Yeah. I had a prop crowbar. I don't ask for a lot. I had a prop crowbar that I just wished that was real so I could just beat myself to death with it. My ideal gig is a two and a half minute number in the freezer at Old Camp Harry's. Yeah.

Yes. Let me, let me tell you what I'm doing. I'm doing just the rest at the beginning of MacArthur park. Yeah. And when she gets to, I leave and the music starts and I'm gone. This is my, let me tell you, I'm going to walk you through my, my like ideal gig. So it is on a Sunday, uh,

It's at 5 p.m. Tea dance teas. Okay. And I get ready. I get ready on my own in my own house, whatever. Then I am picked up literally by a couple of men.

who are wearing these suits that are like, literally have like gel, frozen gel in them. So their bodies are absolutely freezing to the touch. It's Mr. It's Mr. Freeze. It's Arnold Schwarzenegger and Batman and Robin, Mr. Freeze. Mr. and Mrs. Freeze. He walks into your hotel room and he goes, winter's come early this year. No, it's Jon Snow from Game of Thrones. It's Jon Snow. It's Jon Snow, the White Walkers, Mr. Freeze. And, um,

Who else is it? Frosty the Snowman? The bear from the Klondike bar. Perfect. Yeah. Okay. And I am brought to the stage where it is...

The first thing I see are, are those Inuits? Oh no. People are just like, they're dressed like it's the dead of winter. And I know I'm home. I go, that's a sickening blue lip. And I realized that's the lip. Hypothermia. Yes. Hypothermia. Which means- And the front row is Jack from Titanic. He's on the front of the stage like this. Rose is the stage manager. Yeah.

The unsinkable Molly Brown's doing lights. Mama, mama. Encino man. The DJ is, the DJ is Brendan Fraser and Encino man. And then the security is Austin Powers. Frozen. And then Jeff Bezos who's cryo'd. Jeff Bezos' head is cryo'd. Yeah.

Cry out at the gig. But it's a runway. So it's a fierce runway walk with fans at every angle blowing my hair in fringe. Fans. It's just a runway walk. I do one minute of a lip sync with those like, you know, those have those like the shooting air thing. Yes. Yeah. It's frozen air. Frozen air with a little bit of like citrus vinaigrette scent or something. Oud. Oud. A little bit of Oud. Yeah. Oud bergamot. And then I'm out.

I slide right into the water, like a water country. The Lady of the Lake. Back into La Llorona territory. You walk into the Lady of the Lake and it's basically almost frozen except one runway through the ice. It's just an ice luge. My whole performance is just an ice luge at the Winter Olympics. But it's not just frozen. It's mixed with dawn. And so when you come out, you're out of track. And as you come out of the water, someone hands you a lit cigarette. Oh my God.

And a bag of those crunchy cookies. Oh my God. A bag of those crunchy cookies. Oh my God. We cracked the code. We cracked the code. Hang it up. PG, Mary. We have to call them. We have to call them. We have to call them. Where's my fan? We have to call them. Hold on.

If you have any other frozen characters that are, they can also be invited to the gig, please. Elsa. Elsa. Oh, Elsa. But she's not doing much though. Cause I, she's kind of annoying. Elsa's a shock girl. Elsa's a shock girl. With the ticket girl at the counter.

I just want, you know what? It makes me think of, I fantasize about doing numbers and bars and then in Wisconsin winter, stepping outside and getting cooled down in four seconds. Oh, it is. Well, I'm telling you, my dream gig was Aspen's gay ski week. I did twice, two years in a row.

Why did they stop? They just stopped. VH1 just stopped doing it. It was Logo, actually. It was Logo. So I think they transitioned to VH1. But does Aspen still have a gay ski week? We should go. No, because you don't want to go. A, I hate skiing. B, I don't like rich people. The, the, the, it's very, you know, but the, it's the scenery, it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful. The gig, mama. But they're not really rich, are they? Cause doesn't, isn't it real money? What is it?

Real money goes to Vale or... No, real money... What is it? Brandon, what is it? Wealth screams... Money screams, but wealth whispers. Is that what it is? Well, it's... Whereas people who are new rich or a little bit rich are obnoxious, as I'm sitting here in this outfit, but... I know, as...

With a picture of herself hanging above her. Mama, get the picture. Listen, I took some of my pride money and spent it on this outfit. I thought it'd be good for the tour bus. I think you should buy whatever you want. Don't yell at me. I'm not yelling. What are those, donations? And also, mama, $9,000 Gucci suit I bought. Synthetic hair? How very...

Yeah. As I'm sitting here with my $26,000 teeth, you think this outfit's the issue? Well, teeth, you lost me a long time ago. Mom, these are Oliver Peoples. Let me get a vampire facial to go with my Oliver Peoples. Oliver Her Peoples.

All over her peepholes. Yeah. What's your idea? I guess that's your idea gig. That's my ideal gig. You just literally just rang my bell. You rang my bell. That was, I mean, I can't imagine a scenario that's more pleasurable than that. An ice luge into a dawn pool. Also invited is Sid from Ice Age. Yeah. Yeah. Sid from Ice Age. A woolly mammoth. Oh, yeah. And then, what's the one? It's a woolly mammoth. It's a lot of hair. There's tusks. Narnia. The queen from Narnia. Oh. The ice lady from...

Yeah. Isn't there like ice in Narnia? What's her name? Charlize Theron? No. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Yeah. As an ice princess. Yeah. Yes. She's like, um, you know, also invited Edward Scissorhands. He's doing ice sculptures. Oh, ice sculptures on my way to my private jet, which is also made out of, um, cold pops.

You know what else too? While you're doing your number, Edward Scissorhand is doing the sculpture and snow is raining down on you. Oh, no, but I don't like that because it's going to get me all wet. What's the number? It's, oh, it's breathe on me.

By Britney Spears. Oh. Yeah. I'm doing, I'm in earmuffs, high ponytail, ski goggles, and the hair. I'm doing that Don't Ever Tell Versace. Don't Ever Tell Versace. My house, my rules, my pleasure. You know that song? No. Mary. You play it. Yeah. Mary. My house, my rules, my pressure? Pleasure. Oh. My house. A style icon. My rules.

I love her. Have you seen her 73 questions? So funny. Well, there's a set. This guy does seven questions. It edits those ones. Hers is so funny. They're all so funny. I watched, I watched the, what is it? 23 questions, 70, 73. I watched the 73 questions that Anna went to her and she said that the biggest fashion faux pas is all black head to toe. Yeah. Head to toe black. Yeah. But I thought that's what like chic people did. Nope. She's all about color.

She would never wear head to toe black. And she also hates the word journey in reference to fashion. That I can get behind. I've watched her 73 questions like 25. So 73 times 25. It's just like when you watch the old guard, like it was a series. I know. I wanted it to be a series, so I made it into one. Do you know what's weird? What? I've started to think this is your hair from looking at you this long. Well, yeah.

Andrew keeps saying I should get plugs. You're using keeps. It works. No, Andrew says I should get plugs and I'm like, Mary, there ain't no hair up there. Get a grip. Plug what from what? Thank you. Plug what up? That bald head? Girl, plug what hair are you going to pull to plug what? Thank you. You're going to take the aggressive patch on my lower back and add it on top of my head? Meanwhile, Andrew Yang literally has, not the presidential or mayoral candidate, but he has, he just got highlights, a cut.

He looks like Countess Luanne. It is confrontational. Somebody literally said to him, they saw him over the weekend and then texted him later on, it was so great to see you in your hair this weekend. If somebody said that to me, I'd be like, why don't you go fuck yourself? Yeah, go fucking get it. Orville Peck drove by my house and screamed highballed out the window.

I don't like that. Our fans. Yeah. I don't like that. I tweet. Good morning. Good morning. Fat, old, faggy, bald fucker. I know you aging, cracky fuck face. Hi, old, fat, faggy, bald piece of shit. Can you say happy birthday to Sarah? Yeah.

Can I have $5? So you and I have a lot on our plate. We're about to, I have to film the motel show in a second here. Let's see. There's a lot on the plate and your plate is considerably larger than mine. Thank God. Yeah. You got it. We're about to film 64 shoot days. Actually, let me tell you what we're embroiled in currently. We're doing this.

Also, we are doing a writing venture together, separate than the new book, which we're also doing. And then you're filming a motel renovation series by yourself. And then we're gearing up for a dating show with the way we're both doing. And then you're completing tour dates that were postponed from last year. And then we're embarking on a world tour that was postponed from last year. And then I'm going to kill myself. Yeah. Yeah.

It's going to be anything I miss. No album, your workouts. Oh yeah. I have another record coming out work. What's it called? 10 songs in. It's called the pink album. The pink album. I don't think I've told anyone. I might as well find out here. Yeah. Trixie Mattel, the pink album. Are you, are you being into like, um, do you like, um, you know, reveals and teasers and stuff? Do you like that stuff? Like, like I should, I, instead of telling it on this podcast, I should have done like a 25, 25 day rollout. That's what I'm talking about. Like,

Secret project. Or pixels on your Instagram that each day, like after three months, reveal to a picture that's like. And it's one track. No, but it's just announcement coming soon. Well, that's what's nice about being independent musical artists. Because don't sell yourself short. Number one electronic album. And I love it. I love the album. I still love it. I'm so proud of it. I mean. The remix is lit. Fuck.

I put Ding Dong in my DJ mixes. It's fucking lit. Markaholic turned my pussy out. I love her. She is an icon. Markaholic, if you guys don't know, music producer, did Kitty Girl, Call Me Mother, Ding Dong remixes. Call Me Mother, Mary. He also did the AAA Girls, A, A, A, and so good. And such a sweet, nice, lovely guy with a great little apartment.

I'd fuck him. He's so gorgeous. I'd love to fuck him. I'd love to suck his dick and cock. When people are hot and nice, on one hand, I'm like- Hot, nice, and talented. On one hand, I'm like, oh, hot guys, they're never that nice. Why don't they just treat me like a normal person? And then when they're hot and they talk to me, I'm like, don't talk to me unless you're going to fuck me. Do you know what I mean? I just have like no middle. There's no chill. There's no chill.

I'm a big fan of Trixie. Really? How big? How big? How big? Show me an inches in my ass. Yeah. Hard. I need you to shove a pool thermometer at my ass so that little duck is poking out. You know that little duck. Pop that little duck right in the shitter. I want you to pop that duck right in this little pool. Fuck my ass. Oh my God. Well, we're about to embark on that. Let's give people a little teaser. What are you looking for in love?

Oh my God, I'm looking for romantic satisfaction on every level. I have closed the door in the spiritual realm. So I'm imploring no divination, people who practice divination, tarot card. Do you know what I'm talking about? I can't believe that. It's so crazy. It's so insane. I feel like, hold on, my bangs are... I feel like it's... I can't even go down that road. She is nuts.

This hair with your body and age is giving me aging Twinket pride. Oh, it is? Like I should be wearing an Ed Hardy shirt? Oh.

Oh, entirely. Yeah. Maybe an eyebrow ring. Late in life eyebrow ring. It is actually the hair. The color. Do you remember the Tiger King sagging eyebrow ring? That's it. That's the one. Yeah. And I have some faded prison tattoos. And I said to him, when you watch the straight porn, do you like the guy with the big one or the guy with the little one? And he said, the big one. And I said, okay, I can work with that.

Where's the Emmy? Where's the Oscar? Well, we heard my Madonna. It's incredible. I was like, whoa, is the artist Madonna here now in the studio? It makes sense that dialects come so natural to me. It does. Because I'm so well-traveled. Water. You ever had a glass of water and gone herm? What is that? Delaware County. Herm? I had to go home. We got to go home. I need a glass of water. I got to wash my clothes.

Oh yes. It's Baltimore. Yeah. Baltimore. Connie and rhyming marbles. Yeah. The filthiest people alive. Mayor of Easttown, Kate Winslet. Incredible. The mayor, the mayor of Easttown and downtown Abbey. Downtown that it was the downtown Abbey mayor of Easttown crossover. We didn't know we needed to go home. It was the mayor, the mayor of Easttown, downtown Abbey. Yeah. Um,

Sex in the city. Sex with the city. Sex in the city. Sex with the city. I've had sex with the city. Sex in the city. Oh my God. Well. Okay, make sure you subscribe here because we have, subscribe to the pod. We have new episodes every week. Yeah, and next week you'll never believe who we have on the pod because we haven't booked them yet.

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