Holding a Large Fish on Machu Picchu with Trixie and Katya
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Hi, good afternoon and welcome back to the podcast, Bald and the Beautiful. So happy you're joining Trixie. Thank you. Hi. Oh my God. Pleasurable. Pleased. Happy. Excited. That's T. Woo.

So listen up, divas. We're getting hunty here because we're about to serve slay and fierce it up for you. With the divas and the hunnies. Can I tell you about something? I'm going to start off strong here. Do it. Wait, I forgot what I was going to say. Okay, wait. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Holocaust denial. Blah, blah, blah. COVID denial. Blah, blah, blah. Do you like trivia? Yeah.

That was my strong opening. Oh, just an open-ended general question. Love it. You do? Do you like going to trivia? I don't like to go, but I like to participate from home.

Trivial Pursuit was a game I grew up being able to play. Oh, okay, but you don't like to go to bar trivia or something? No. They never have the right kind of soft pretzel, and I don't drink alcohol. What's the point? You're wrong on that. Bar 10, which is now High Tops in West Hollywood, has a soft pretzel. Big hot. Big hots. They have nachos. Big hots. Soft pretzels, chicken sandwiches, chips. With the chunky salt. Fries. They got chunky salt that sticks to it. Yeah, and they do trivia. I've never gone, but I've recently been asked to go to trivia a lot. Yeah.

And I keep not going, but then I keep going, why don't I go to that? It's like a happy hour with an actual activity. That sounds fun. Also sounds like a great way to meet a lovely dame. Well, we recently got a question on our sub stack, which anybody wants to follow, gooped our sub stack. It's very, very funny. We got a question about how to meet people that's not Tinder. Yes. And I almost said- That's exactly what I was just thinking about. That's what I was thinking about. Trivia. Activities out in public. Yeah.

What do you think about that? I mean, I think it's a great question she asked on Substack. I actually haven't answered it yet. Me neither. I started to. But what do you think is a good... For people who are... Let's say you're sober or let's say you... I don't know. No, you're an adult. You're an adult professional person. You don't want to go on a date based on blacking out or based on loud music. You can't talk. Yeah. What are the ways for adults to meet? Well, so yeah. Like if... I think it's... The key is...

Public. Because there's too much pressure and it's not a great display of character to see one-on-one activity. You know what I mean? Yes. A date is not, I can't tell if you're good because you're just trying to be your best self and I'm the only audience. I want to see how you interact with others. That is a really good point. Seeing the way people interact with others really can get the boner going or not going. Are they funny? Are they attention hogs? Are they insecure? Are they a little too much? Do they sweat a lot? Things like that. Do people like them? Yeah.

Yes. Are they generally well-received or are they people fawning over them? Do you pay those people to be there? I read this article in Men's Health Magazine. Did I ever tell you about this? About the most liked man in America? According to who? The algorithm of Tinder. Oh, okay. He was the most swiped right. Oh, he was bland. He was Bob Regular. And he wasn't gorg. No, he's Bob Regular. He wasn't that rich, that gorgeous, that tall, that fit, whatever. The median, the mean. But he followed a few rules that he was like, this is how you get the likes. One of them was change your picture weekly. Okay.

because people are always updating and if they kind of recognize your face, they don't take the time. He's like, you always change your pictures. This is a serial killer giving advice, by the way. But the other thing he said was, yeah, never look him in the eye. Don't, wet dead flesh is a no-go on the timeline. Wait till you get home before you stab. Yeah. Um,

Stabby, stabby. No, he also says something amazing, which is women really respond to pictures of men where they are friends with other women. Oh, okay. Because women feel comfortable are men that women seem to feel comfortable around. Serial killer. Yes, it did seem like baiting. I know what women want, and they want me on Machu Picchu. Is that what Mel Gibson was talking about? Or holding a large fish. Mel Gibson was what women want, right? Helen Hunt? What women want, yeah. What women want. Helen Hunt?

Helen Hunt wants a facelift. No consonants. But back to the, but back to what I was saying, you see someone interact in the wild and it tells you a lot more than them just talking to you. Okay. Perhaps. However, on, on apps, dating apps and such hookup apps, especially why is your profile picture with a woman?

Gay man. Hi, gay. No, in this picture, he was like at a social setting with women, female co-workers. I vibe with the ladies. It wasn't him with like, look at my bitches. It wasn't. Yeah, look at these hot tubes and cans. Hot slutty bitches. Look at their boobs. Hot sex tubes with hair. Boobs in holes.

You know, I've been watching a lot more straight porn too. I'm really interested when the man jerks off the woman or the woman jerks off another woman or the woman jerks off herself. A lot of friction, a lot of action, a lot of speed.

Sure. And then when the wet comes out, when the wet, wet comes out and sprays. Well, I don't believe in that because when any cruise told us, it's usually in that. Any cruise told us a lot of times in porn, they're faking it. It's urine. Okay. Yeah. So she said, don't believe everything you see, but this is just me watching. I don't have to drink, guzzle it down. Like, I have to run a test.

I have to run a test. I have to do urinalysis. There's going to be a lab tech in the frame while she's standing down her fucking pussy hole. I'm doing a pee test. I'm doing a smell test, a taste test. I'm checking it out. As a consumer, even as a potential partner, I'm not mad at a little bit of pee. I'm not mad at a lot of pee. Urine. Because semen contains a percent of pee. Yeah, semen has more dirt in it than pee has. So take that down the bank.

I don't know if what you just said was true, but I'm going to go with it because I'm yes anding. Yes. And then and I will say go to the bank. Yes. Cash some checks. Speaking of, I got the Easy Bear Lovin' hat on from Teddy Bear who we had on the pod. Oh, cool. I saw a picture of him and he did a 23andMe and he found out that he was a big part Neanderthal.

Oh. Well, that explains a lot. And he was like, that makes a lot of sense. The knuckle dragging in the note. Yeah. The huge overbite. Yeah, yeah. But not one sentence. Didn't really speak any language. Remember when he walked in here with a club and hit me over the head like a cartoon? Dragging some hot bitch. Great way to meet women. Caveman. Hit them on the head with a...

If a guy hit me on the head with a club and dragged me back to his house, honestly, I know I'm kind of submissive and kind of a bottom, but I'd be like, he made a move. Honestly, he made a move. A guy who's not afraid to make a move. He made a move. Hold on. I'm just checking on the food because I am. We ordered some food today. We got some Thai food. Where did we order from? Joom Bangkok Cafe.

Katya has a lot more like experiment. You're more into exciting flavors and textures. I love spicy. I'm about bland food usually. I'm simple, but I'm spicy. Like I don't like, I'm very picky. I'm very like prohibitively particular. It's very annoying. I'm not proud of it. I don't like any condiments, but I just, I love things to be high impact, flavorful and spicy. Good for you. Thank you. Other activities to meet people. Sports. When I played kickball,

Low stakes. Loss of people meeting each other at sports. Yes, yes. Church, if you're into church, good for you because go and get them. Those new weird ones. Those kids are just sitting there. Mary, let me tell you. These new age evangelical Christian churches that are not churches, they're in the Radisson. They're in these strange, gorgeous looking buildings. Yes.

Mosaic. The ads that say like, would Jesus wear jeans at church? We're not a normal church. No, we're not your granny's church, honey. Well, it's like that lady who rapped Tamara Lowe. It's like, you know, if you want to be a survivor in this amazing race, you need for speed, you need God's grace. That's these people. That's, well, that's a mega church. But anyways, I went one night into one of these places, Mosaic, because I was like, I got to see what the tea is. Character study. Everybody's hot. Rich. Nobody was gay. Rich. Rich.

Probably rich. They looked well-to-do. They looked like Orange County or something. And not one gay, because I lorded for quite a while. How rich? I don't know. Holy Spirit activate? Can you tell, kids? Holy Spirit activate? Holy Spirit activate is the level of rich. Holy Spirit activate. Holy Spirit activate. Oh, no, no, no. This was a mix and mingle. Oh. It wasn't like some tent revival or whatever. It was like a mix and mingle on a Friday night. It was like a mixer. A lock-in. It was a lock-in. It was a sit-in. People were protesting during hunger strikes.

Honestly, some people are really fat and they should be more hungry. Strike. That's what they were doing. Hot LA people. Is that what a hunger strike is? It's a fat roast? They're like, honestly, at my winter weight, you guys should have all striked me. And you didn't.

So people who are on a hunger strike are just making that makes a lot more sense. That sounds fun. It's possible. So the, the, the mosaic, for example, was this new, you know, it's like they get bands to like sing Christ rock or God rock or whatever you call it. And, um, Oh, um, the, the, the clientele is hot, sexy, flying, beautiful, not one gay because I would have been recognized. Sorry to say it. I would have been recognized. Nobody was checking for me at all.

You are the gaydar. I was, yeah. I was the litmus test or the cowbell or whatever. When they're trying to find out people are gay in the CSI. Yeah. The CIA. The CIA. The CSI. They hook them up to a lie detector machine and they show them pictures of you in drag and they go, do you recognize this woman? And they go, no. And it's like one sweat bulb. Yeah.

Totally. And then they start shaking. Two weeks. But yeah, but they were hot. I was like, if I were a straight God-fearing individual, this is where I would try to be. Smash that Christian pussy.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. All it takes, it's kind of like how for the conservatives, all it takes is one or two gay friends in life to completely change their point of view. It's only taken a few people in my life who firmly believe in God, who are basically normal and human.

To kind of change my mind a little bit. I don't believe in God, but I used to be like, all of them must hate me. Oh, no, no, no. And I don't think that anymore. No, no, no. They got bigger fish to fry. Those bigger fish being that there's a man upstairs pulling strings like a puppet. No, no, no, no. I mean, but people don't believe. I think most people don't even really, if you sat them down and they had to write an essay about what exactly God is, they wouldn't say it's a man.

They wouldn't say it's a man in the sky. No. Like a wizard in a castle in the clouds. Wizard in the castle, yeah. Yeah. Parquet floors? I don't know. Trivia. Trivia. I would like, I think that's a great event and I'm going to go to one pretty soon. The only thing is I just, I think I've told you this, Dave and I, our third date. What kind of trivia though?

Well, you don't know the categories. You can't study. It could be anything from automobiles of the 1930s to like, um, to Indochine. It could be anything. Well, I do kind of have a game that has some trivia on it. You kind of, we could play really quick. Do it. Okay. Hold on one second. I'm riveted. Oh my God. Listen guys. Hi. So I've been in the market for a new set of dildos that allowed me to put my balls inside a cavity, human cavity. That's when I found baldos.

Ball does is a system of, of, uh, a system that will allow you to place your balls into the orifice of another human being with their consent. Of course. Um, ball does put your balls where they belong in some hot gash or steaming rancid shit can close your legs to marry men's. Thank you. So drag race sent me this. It's called race to the crown.

Oh. And I think it's kind of like a Candyland that's also trivia. Let's get it. Let's get cracking. We don't have to play the game, but I thought we could get into some of the trivia. I love the trivia. Because I don't know a lot of drag race trivia, to be honest. Girl, me fucking neither. So it's exciting. It's exciting. COVID. Do you believe I didn't get COVID? I always came in contact with someone, and I did not get it. My body's like, not now. This must be like a Candyland. We're not doing all that. This must be like a Candyland situation. See, that doesn't, I don't like that. Oh, there must be reading involved. Oh, hunty. Oh, hunty.

Oh my God. Do I look like, Oh, no, you look like I should, you look like someone that I don't want. I look like one of these people, by the way, I've been using Tik TOK, so I can't even make fun anymore. No, no, no. I don't think it's, what I was going to say about Tik TOK earlier is that I, it is, it's not, it's just, it's just the, the huge enormous range of information and the, the, the things that are, are that you observe on Tik TOK are like, wow, it has civilization ended. And this is like a remix.

With one minute chunks? Do you know what I mean? Yes. It's so outrageous. In the future, they will promote TikToks the way they promote like, it's the largest ship in the world. Like Titanic. It'll be that budget. Can you put the crown on him? Yeah. Okay. There's a rule book, but like, honestly, as if we're going to read that. I think there's some questions in here. Come on. Come on, Beverly. Those are ball does, hun. And you can get those at any drugstore downtown. And you can just stick your balls in them and then they go right up the pussy.

There's a stack of cards here called maxi cards. Let's see. Who was the first queen to be kicked off of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 7? Who is Victoria Porkchop? Oh, Season 7. Yeah.

Who is Tempest DuJour? That's where you have to listen to the whole question. Correct. Yes. You know, this would be a great way to also check to see if you have some kind of dementia. Yo, that's good. Like, who is the president? Don't even, like. Name the three queens that have played Beyonce for Snatch Game. Who is Tyra Sanchez? Who is Trinity Cabonet? And who is Kenya Michaels? No. Fuck. It's Tyra Sanchez, Kenya Michaels, and Asia O'Hara.

Damn. That's a hard one. What season was the prize money upped to $100,000? These are hard. Season four. It's four. Work, bitch. I got it. Yeah, that was a guess. Who was the runner-up on season nine? That would be Shea Collet. Peppermint. This says peppermint. Are you calling RuPaul a liar? I thought Sasha Velour won season nine.

She did, but I think she beat Peppermint in that lip sync. I think that Peppermint beat Shay in that lip sync. Oh, come on. That's splitting hairs then. The runner-up? Following rules is splitting hairs. Oh, I guess I have to watch the episodes now to know stuff? You can try some with me. Okay, cool. Our brains are kind of atrophying, and unless I'm doing Pit Stop, I don't always catch the show. Okay, if you don't know this, I'd be concerned. Who are the top three queens from season three? I mean, that's not that hard, but it is kind of hard. Raja, Manila, and Alexis Mateo. Yes.

Who did Mimi I'm First infamously pick up, dubbing the quote, drag is not a contact sport? India Farrah. Of course. Oh, which queen chose Jasmine Masters as her Snatch Game character? How am I supposed... Nina Benina Brown. Was I right? Yes, you were right. These are all multiple choice, by the way. I'm just choosing not to... Holy spirit, activate. Holy spirit. Well, this is not exactly...

Is it a slur? What queen did John Travolta mistake for the real Taylor Swift? Adele Dazeem? No. Oh, Taylor Momsen. J. Jolie. J. Jolie. That makes a lot of sense. I'm down. J. Jolie is down for two. It says A. J. Jolie, B. Katya, C. J. Jolie, or D. Penetration. Penetration.

Someone thought you were Taylor Swift. I look exactly like her. Taylor Swift, honey, I am so sorry. I look exactly like her. You look like a man named Taylor. Yeah. Taylor Smith. Taylor Sniff. Yeah. Who was the first queen to leave a lipstick message on the workroom mirror? Shangela. That's true. Yep. Alaska and Linisha Sparks paired up to create this life-size doll in season five. Oh, come on. Do not look at me. Miss Pancake. What is it? Pancake. Pancake.

Miss Pancake. Miss Pancake. Mrs. Blaine's Ripple Sticks. What was the name of... Oh, this is so easy. Miss... You know what? We can give it a wrap. Okay, okay. Hold on. One second. One more. I just thought it'd be a fun activity. Well, it wasn't that fun. So maybe... I'm just kidding. Which two queens have won Snatch Game twice? Oh. Was it... Who's... Ginger? No. Ginger's down here a lot. Is it Ginger Minjin Katya? Obviously not.

Is it Ben de la Creme and Eureka? Is it Ginger Minj and Ben de la Creme? Or is it Eureka and Ginger Minj? It's Ben de la Creme and Eureka. Yes. It is, isn't it? Because Ginger didn't win twice. She's certainly not. No. No, no. She had a win in season seven. Unless she did. No, no. She had a win in season seven and she was Tammy Faye in All Stars. But didn't she do All Stars again? But that wasn't out by the time. Isn't she on like the...

Is she on the next one? I don't know. This has to stop. Wrap it up. We're giving away too much insider baseball. All right, delicious. You sound like a man. Give it up, delicious. Well, this is a fun game. You know... Yeah, that's good. I would... Sometimes I get a little bit... I don't know. Fact-checking. If one of those answers or one of those answer keys is incorrect, I think it upsets the whole integrity of the thing and I would throw it away. Do you think we could make...

Is this narcissistic, but do you think that we could make a board game about like... Are you fucking kidding me? Of course we could. Like a Candyland where it's like a trivia about... No, I would say less trivia, more fun.

Trivia is fun. Yes, yes, yes. But I'm not, I wouldn't want trivia that only refers to our sort of like program. I would say like, okay, if this is about a mountain biking vampire, which the trivia could be, which related, you know what I mean? And then it could be like, it, it doesn't, your knowledge of trivia in general will be an asset, not just us. Cause you don't want to be playing with people who are obsessed with us. Uh, I mean, people who are obsessed with us sometimes probably have big brains though, and they probably can expand to other areas of trivia.

Right. One time me and David went on a date and this is our third date and the first, we went to a trivia and the first category was RuPaul's Drag Race and I got every answer and the second category was Hollywood Directors of like the 1940s and David got every answer and we were like, oh my God, this is Slumdog Millionaire. And then, what was the next category? Two through 10, or three through 10, Mama Crickets.

Is it like autumn bills of the 1960s? We knew nothing. Sports. Any sports. And I try to help at trivia, but I don't really know. I don't really listen to the whole question either. In chemistry, water, I'm like, it's wet. It's wet. Write it down. It's wet. It's wet. Write it down. No, write it down. Drinky, drinky, drinky, drinky. The actual answer was H2O. I'm like, well, rigged. We'll take a break. And we're back. Looks like Tilda Swinton and Lion Witch in the Wardrobe.

What? Just say what you're going to say. Don't fuck with me. I don't think that Lady Gargar should win an Oscar. Have you seen House of Gucci? No. Oh, but you just, you feel...

You feel about it. I do. I will feel, I feel that Nicole Kidman should win an Oscar. For the AMC? For the AMC, but she should have got it for the AMC commercial. So if she gets it for being the Ricardos, I think that's fair game. Plus, I just learned that she smoked. She started smoking a pack a day. For Lucy? Yes. Does Lucy smoke? She smoked a pack a day. And then she quit as soon as she was done. She smoked. She smoked to be more like the character. To sound that, to get that rasp. Hey, you guys.

But Lady Gaga is getting drunk off fake wine. She's getting drunk off pop wine. She's getting followed by swarms of black flies. You know? Oh, yeah. She said it was time to give up the ghost because I've been following the press, you know, all the lead up to the... She's going to make a speech no matter what.

Either if she's nominated or not. They're going to give the best actress to John Travolta. Yeah. And she's going to walk up there in her wig. Yeah. And then Gaga is going to storm the stage and be like, I can't believe this has happened. And they're like, it's not happening. And she's like, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. There's so many bees outside and flies. I just had to be here to say this. Give me that prop wine. I'm going to get lit and give my speech. Maybe she thinks she's Jesus. Like she's turning water to wine.

Stigmata. It could be. Yeah, I mean, she should, that's their next high voltage religiosity. High voltage religiosity. Le stigmate. Stigmate. Le stigmate. You gotta see Benedetta. You've gotta see Benedetta. What are you talking about? Benedetta.

The new Paul Verhoeven film starring Virginie Effira. French medieval nun fantasy. Nuns in the Black Plague in Italy, baby. Lesbos. Les and out with statues of Mary. Dildoed up their pussies. Stigmata.

Blaspheme. Sapphic yearning. Sapphic yearning, religious devotion, and it's so good. It's so good. It is hot, sexy, flying, gorgeous. Le stigmate. Le stigmate. Blaspheme. I got to tell you something that I did yesterday. So, you know, the girls and I launched Serve Vodka, which is a vodka that's being rolled out across the United States in all the different bars, all the different territories. And I thought, I want to make a TikTok going to the bars in LA that carry it. And I'm going to get a drink at each bar. For free? No, I had to buy it. Oh, wow. Every bar charged me. Yes. Interesting. Every bar charged me.

Got in full whore drag. Full whore. Yeah, I saw it. 4.30 p.m. You saw it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did you see it? I saw the TikTok. No, I didn't make a TikTok yet. No, you sent me a picture. This was me. You sent me a picture. You sent me a picture. It looked so good. You were at the bar. Yeah. Hitting the beat. Hitting the beat. She's on the move. She's on the beat. That's me in front of the Abbey. I think people thought I was Angeline. Oh, yeah.

Totally. So I screamed into the microphone. Yeah, Angeline. So I go to the beaches. I get a drink. I have it. I go down to Mickey's. I get a drink. I have it. I go to Kitchen 24. I buy a round for everyone there and I drink it and have it. And then I go back here. Did you just stress? It was just weird to be in drag in West Hollywood. Did people catcall you? Try to finger your pussy? It was a lot of- Pinch your butts? That's not her. That's not her. Oh, okay. Yeah. It was a lot of, that's not her.

Which is great. That is good. I said, I would do the fan thing next time. Just go full Angeline. Do you know what I mean? Well, I did do something that I thought was funny that hopefully people didn't think was mean. What? I walked by and somebody went, are you Trixie? And I said, it's Carmen. I don't know what, I just went for a name and I just said, it's Carmen. I just picked a new idea. Carmen Electra? I don't know. Carmen Carrera? I'm Carmen. Cause I was like, no, it's Cindy. Cindy Brady? Ah!

Is that Trixie? No, it's Carmen. You dumb, uncultured fuck. In all pink with Trixie makeup on. No, it's Carmen. No, baby, it's Carmen. It's Carmen. It's Carmen. Carmen's a hot name. Gracias. Carmen, yeah, is extremely hot. But you know what, though? You gotta be hot to be Carmen. Yeah. Because Carmen is also like... The ugly Carmen? Not good. No. Carmen. Car-men. Car-men. Riding in cars with men. But if you're hot, you're like, I'm Carmen. Carmen. Is Carmen a hot name? De la Fuerga. Mark? Espejita.

What's a hot name? Lisa. No, Juliana. Anything Anna. That's what all the porn people. Juliana, that's pretentious. Oh, it is? That's Lisa pretending to be rich. Do you know what I mean? Amelia's a hot name? No. Amelia can't find her. Amelia Earhart? They asked me questions when I did Z-Way.

By the way, hysterical, fun, wonderful. They asked me, she held up a picture of Amelia Earhart and said, is she a top or a bottom? Is she a piss queen or a pill queen or something like that? I was like, I was like, she's like, you have, she's like brought up receipts. Like you never stopped talking about Amelia Earhart. I thought you would know. Exposed. I was like, I don't remember saying, and it turns out I sure did bring up Amelia Earhart plenty of times.

I don't know why. You at 2 a.m. on Twitter, what is Amelia Earhart doing right now? We don't talk enough about Amelia Earhart. Let's have that conversation. Let's have that conversation. Where is Amelia Earhart? Where is she? Oh my God. But guess what I got to do? Did they ever find her? No, they did not. No. But she's lezzing out somewhere in the Caymans. I think that's what I said. She's with Tupac Cesare. That's what I said. I think that's what I said. I think she's in the Cayman Islands with Tupac getting ham-fisted with a bunch of, you know, Jack and Jill. Getting pride open. Yeah.

Getting pride opened. Yeah, getting opened up and roto-rooted out by hip-hop rappers. Hip-hop rappers. I saw a Tupac poster the other day on my run. I did a 10K yesterday morning. No big deal. And I saw a Tupac... There's something called wheat papering. Do you know what this is? Wheat paste. Wheat paste. Madonna did it. Okay. I had to get it out. Still up there. Go ahead. You move the microwave as if anything when you're going...

Why would it be like wheat pates? So when you do a campaign for a record, you can do wheat pasting, which is I guess posters stuck to the wall. Yeah. And I guess I thought like real celebrities had to do that. You had to be like real. You can just call a wheat paste place and say, can you do this? And then give them money and they'll do it. Yeah. So you could just do anything. You could just have your face with nothing to sell. Wheat pasted across Los Angeles if you were rich enough. I mean, I think that's what Kylie Jenner does.

Wonder how much that billboard cost there's one right on Santa Monica. I know how much can it cost because it's her all the time I know yeah, it's probably like a house. It's probably like renting a house. It's crazy I didn't realize and they have those giant sprawling pictures of her yeah Do you know how those get up there? I saw it one night that happens very late at night very late at night And then people are huge they're like three times the size of a regular person it's like that makes way too much sense and

They're not even on stilts. They're avatars. They have- Giants walk among us. They have Sigourney Weaver in Avatar. Six foot 70. Yeah, she's up there. With Geena Davis. And Geena Davis is shooting arrows. That's how they get to stay up. Can I show you something that I might fuck myself with? Okay. This came with Matthew. Is that a lube syringe? It charges. I thought it was a vape.

But it charges and I think it heats up his hole. So when you fuck him, it's hot silicone, baby. And guess what else it comes with? Put the hole in the micro. I'm getting fucked today. To douche out your own cum after. So your babies get out of there. The babies. It cleans the pot of the baby batter. The boss baby. Baby driver. Baby driver.

Baby driver. Baby driver. Daughter of mini driver. That's your baby driver. Wait, so wait, wait, that gets the muck out of the sewer? You charge this, and this is how you know it's really getting juicy. You put that in there, and I think this is a... Heat it suppository. I think this is a heating element. Yes. So when you put your dick in there, it's hot. And then I think that this is to clean out your cum, once you've cum in it. Cum in it. But I looked at the butthole, and I don't know who these...

I don't know who these baby dick people are who can fit their dick in that thing. It's a corn kernel. No, no, no. It's silicone. It's so stretchy. A pinprick will put an eggplant in there. Trust and believe, mom. Trust and believe. Jennifer, ring a bell. What?

Couldn't even see it. I had to palpate. I told you about Jennifer and he's afraid of you now. He should be. Yeah, the last person who fucked. With that neck? This person had no head, no arms and no legs and got thrown down a dumpster, Matthew. Not before they were dick the death down. Dick of death, honey. Not the dick of death, the dick of a dead person. There's a difference. Mine's gray, never gets hard. Ooh. Ooh.

Do you think you'll be found dead? Yes, hopefully. Well, I mean, I would prefer not to be. Like, do you think you'll die in a way where you go to the hospital? Or do you think you'll die in a way where, like, we don't hear from you and you're at your house dead? Well, I thought that that happened a little while ago. And it was, it was... You thought you died? Yeah. And it was like, you know, it was just another, it was just a boilerplate psychedelic experience. But it was so intense that I thought, because you die often in these experiences, right?

But I was like, oh, is it really happening? Of course it's not. But it's, you know, but it's true. Yeah, it's true every time when it's a very like intense like that. If for all, all of your critical observable, observing faculties and sensory input indicates that you're no longer with us. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's crazy. But so, but then I was like, oh, I just, I don't want to be found and I don't want to create a mess.

So like people are gonna have to clean up. They're gonna have to organize. They have to, a lot of, a lot of stuff going on. If you're like just to slip on a banana peel and then get, you know, um, killed in your apartment. I learned from Alexa stone that it's illegal to fake your own death. She said it's some kind of fraud. Yes. But if we could fake your death. Oh, Alexa, you know what? We'd actually don't need you to sense. She's a stupid bitch. Sorry. You don't want to know what she's a woman. Well, are you happy? You silence women? Yes, I am.

Yes, I can. Is Alexa a hot name? Alexa is a fake name. What happens to people named Alexa? And they have an Alexa. I know. They get Google Home. I think maybe they opt out. Can you change Alexa's name? Can you be like, hey, bitch? No, but you can change it to Siri. You can change to Russian. And I did that. And it's a little tough. But she does like an accent. I'll say, say you send me this long text. And like, like she'll just say message or communication. But then she'll go, ha, ha, ha.

You're lying. No, I swear to God. I had it for a while and then because I'm limited in my like technical vocabulary, I was just like, but when she would dictate, it was hysterical. Worth it. Worth it. It's so funny. So funny. So funny. Her life is still prettier than mine. But she would do like, she would do like a heavy, heavy, funny accent. Like,

"You're a fat bitch and must go to Weight Watchers." Like so funny, but a female obviously. - I would think she would almost also like contextually, like she would interpret it not just with an accent, but the way a Russian would tell you what it says. Basically she'd say to you, she'd say-- - Actually you're worthless and like should die. - But I don't like the way she speak to you. I don't think you should have friends like this. - Yeah, totally. - Life coach. I think Alexa will become more and more invasive.

I think we're probably even past that point. I mean, this is a Siri. She's here. She's on the wrist at all times. Always listening. She's always listening. What are they listening for? They're listening for the purposes of their money. They want your money. Which, you know what? I think is fine. Everybody's like, I don't like that they spy on me. I do want my browser to suggest things I like. I do want to. I'd rather do that than show me shit I don't want. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think the, yeah, privacy is funny, fun, or not funny, fun. Privacy is not fun.

I'm not having a stroke. No, but can I say something that's not compassionate? Poor people should die. When I read articles about people, so-and-so who went viral for refusing to get vaccinated dies from COVID. That's my jerk-off material. I feel so bad saying it. That's what I'm beaning and flicking. I feel so bad saying it, but I'm just like,

I'm glad someone's writing about this because this person that went viral for being like, I quit my job because they tried to vaccinate me dead from COVID. And then they show their Facebook. They'll be sharing weird anti-vax shit until, well, I'm in the hospital. Pray for me. Pray for me. And then this is someone's mom on their account. They passed last night. I'm like, yeah, just want to let you guys know, don't get vaccinated. It was a, it was a scam up to the bitter end. That's crazy. These people are probably doing cocaine and taking Tylenol with impunity.

You know, it's just really, what's the deal? What's the level? What is the problem? I'm the laziest piece of shit on earth. I don't want to do anything. I'm very Kim Cattrall. I'm 30 minutes or less. It took me more than 30 minutes to go get vaccinated. I still went and did it.

Free what's the problem? What's the issue? I don't you have it available. I mean, I don't so crazy People are very irrational people. Guess what? Whoo. They're irrational I think it's a lot of groups of people who don't like being told anything And it's a lot of groups of people who have been so ignored by the health system in the government Yeah, they're not trusting enough to do anything. Mm-hmm. And so it's a mix of ignorance and a different brand of perfect storm It's a conglomerate of confluence of ignorances

Oh, people may bullying, murder, murder. Um, well it is what it is. Santa at the end of the day, diva, it is. It is. And that's two dolls. Do you got to live or not? I don't know.

I've been watching, so I was a guest on the Pit Stop. It'll be airing soon. Fun! Yeah. I tried to keep it positive. I did not do a very good job of that. Oh, no. We want you to be honest. I'll say that as a host. We want you to be honest. Well, and here's the thing. When the producer, when we were wrapped, of course, he gave me the very helpful feedback that I was a total bitch. And I was like, oh, okay.

But this, I was like, but you know what though? Brett Favre, sports, the Packers. His little dick? This is my sports. His little dick. His teeny little weenie. No, no, no. People yell about sports all the time. That's the whole point. If we didn't have sports, half of the country would be dead because they wouldn't yell and they would just waste away. Do you know what I mean? And they have no way to expend energy. Yes. It's just like, ah, ah, ah.

dead you know but people yell about sports they're passionate about things that they have no expertise on or they have strong opinions about and they love to yell yell yell but at the end of the day it's all it's all sports well I mean I will say when I was hosting the pit stop um

We want people to be positive, but also if you're too negative, we can't really use it. It's kind of the same as judging. You can't say your body looks like shit. You can say highs and lows. You can say, I love your shape. It would be even better if. Yes. Well, if you're a judge too, that's like, I'm an observer. I am a veteran observer. Of course, I feel like I have carte blanche to say whatever.

I don't, but I feel that way. Because at the end of the day, if I'm expressing bad, it's like, oh, that was a shitty episode. I don't want the show to be canceled. Yeah, but it will because of you. Well, you know.

Maybe they should suck on some dead juice an episode. Get some necro vaping in a mini challenge. Well, also storytelling. When you say I hate it, that doesn't, that's not interesting. It's interesting to say what you would have liked to see. It's interesting to see what could have been done differently. We talked about that. Yeah. Yeah. It was, I wasn't just like shutting down. I was like, oh, I was doing groans and stuff, of course. But I was like, then I would say, you know what? That was brave. That's shadier than anything. It was a choice. That's also shady. That was brave. Yeah.

I don't think that, but you know what though? I think you watched it as a toddler with two pigtails in a chair and they're trying to feed you peas and you're going, that is bizarrely accurate because also they, the meal they fed me while I was watching it was this fucking rotten vegetable dish from tender sweet green or something. And I was like,

Where's my chocolate bar and my glass of milk? Well, I know. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it was, yeah, it was a lot. When I work with you and they say, what do you guys want? I usually go, um, we'll usually eat tender green, Chipotle, Domino's. Just think about a 14-year-old who hasn't had sex yet. That's what you, that's the palate. That's how we're eating. We're going to need two chocolate shakes. Don't get me, you know, see, the thing is you can't really overestimate the power and the impact of a lovely drink.

Shake chocolate shake girl any kind of shake i'm trying any shake smoothie shakes. Um nutritional shakes, but a good old like mcdonald's Chocolate milkshake or a fuck me dark chocolate milkshake from haagen-dazs I might as well be drinking just a quart of cum. Yeah big chunky cum with all them the Parts that chip your teeth the chiplets the congealed parts little fragments of baseball. Have you ever come on someone who's really hairy?

They're fine tooth combing. I know. They're sifting. Jelly jar cum. They're sifting fucking confiture. Me, hairless, the cum runs off me like a dolphin. Yeah. Right? Just gone. The chunks stay and then it just dehydrates itself. Separation. I look down, I have three crack rocks on my belly.

Dehydrated crack rocks. But hairy guys, they're like, oh, I have to take three showers. Yes. Because this cum is in there. It's in there. Yeah. It's matted in with the lice and the mites. You got to be careful where you get the cum because it's like a whole clean process now. Yeah. Do you fetishize the, do you really, do you pay a lot of attention and put a lot of stock into where the cum ends and how it gets there and all that stuff? I know a lot of guys seem to be preoccupied with that.

Where did you nut? Where did you nut? I noticed that in straight porn, it's a lot more on the face than in gay porn. Do you think there's a humiliation aspect to that? I guess, but... I mean, I don't think it's necessarily humiliating. Coming on the face is jokey. I've done it, and I've been come on the face, and it just makes me want to laugh. Well, yeah, because... Because the person's like...

I mean, you can put your tongue out, but like nobody wants that. And then you're, you're squinting and it's sometimes ropes of semen coating your face. And you're like, it's either like, Oh, Oh, or like, there's not a really elegant way to receive that gift. No. And I'm on the part of the person who's about to enjoy that. I'm wondering like, is it, is there a particular place or placement of the calm on the face that is ideal? Or is it just the sheer volume?

I'd rather see cum on the ass or cum on the dick than cum on the face. I think around the, like wherever it was going, like cum on the pussy or cum on the hole. Absolutely. Approximate area. Cream pie. Arm's length. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The face, I just like, you just, what? Well, isn't cream pie pushing the cum out? You cum in and then the cum comes out. It's more of a Groundhog's Day situation. Cum in, cum out, cum in, cum out. Turtle, turtle head in it. Turtle head. Yeah. What was that noise?

Oh, the cushions. Okay. My poor couch. Yeah. My couch is porous from West Elm. West Elm's not poor. It isn't? I don't think so. Then it's rich. But it is white and it is leather, which is very brave. It's awful. I hate this couch. I don't even like, I never even sit on here and watch TV because I dread this couch, period. What are you doing here? I live in a prison in your own home. I'm having a new one made. It's taking forever. Well, you know what? I had to, not a custom one, that CB2 thing. I had to wait six months to get it.

Isn't that crazy? No, no, because they tell me that show when you go to CB2 and you go, can I have this? And they go, no, no, I go, but it's here. It's literally right here. And they're like, it's the floor model. I said, I understand that it's on the floor.

I'm also a model. Can I have this? It's an item that's here. I will take it. I will rip it off this floor and drag it home the 75 feet to my house. And I'm like, full price. And they're like, no, it's six months to a year to get it shipped to you. Is it a drug front? Is CB2 for crack bullshit in two-way radios? What is it? What is that? There's a nail place called CVT2. I mean, those bitches go in. When you go out of there, they file your feet. I leave there two inches shorter. Okay.

What are they doing with all that skin? Selling it? I think they're making furniture. It takes six months to have a skin couch. Now, that actually makes some sense. We're connecting the dots here. Yeah. So, I hate this couch. Shut up. I'm ready for it to go. It's just terrible and it's just horrible. And all these pillows that Netflix used to send me about a pillow a week when we were filming from home. That's right. All that extra furniture. I'd come back with pillows. Yeah. Remember Sage? Sage.

Sage stepping in to arrange the furniture remotely. For me, I did not understand how to do that. I will never go back to shooting any television from home as long as I live. No, I won't either. And I think it's for two different reasons. Number one, you won't stop the insanity. But number two, I don't still know how to do it.

You really don't. I don't. You really flatly refused to grow at that time at all. I refused to obtain a skill set that I was not interested in acquiring. For example, when they say, hey, would you like to go to school to learn this new thing that we will then include in your job description now? I said, I don't think so. You know what else? You're not looking to take jobs from lights and sound people. But you know what? Back to what we first talked about. What? Eating people at work. Yes. I think it's fine. It is.

Yeah, it is. It is. I think you feel it. Trixie Cosmetics started dating. I'd be like, you should tell us all and we should all know that you are. And if you break up, we should have some decorum with how we still conduct ourselves at work professionally. But meeting people at work is very healthy. Jim and Pam, Jim and Pam, Jim and Pam, Jim and Pam, Callum and Liam. What were their names? No. What were their names in the UK? One Don, Tim and Don and Tim, Tim and Don, Don and Tim Christmas special. Lucy Davis just lives. She lives close to me.

We were supposed to go see Golden Girls, but we were afraid because of COVID. You know her? Yes. Dawn? Yes. And from Sabrina? Yes. I met her at Kiernan's Christmas party. We got drunk on wine and just cackled because everyone was 18 and we were just herning up. Wow, she's so fab. Yeah, she's so beautiful and funny. She lives around here? Yeah, right over there. I would love to have her on the pod.

Yeah. We've got a giant thing here that should have been. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. You're fascinating, honey. Tell that story again. You know what? For a guy who looks like that, it's pretty interesting. It is pretty interesting. Yeah. At least he's doing sheer set. I think men who look like this, I think at this point, gay men. How are you? Thanks for coming on the pod. Yeah. Oh, no.

Saddles of the Lambs. Don't hurt my dog. Don't hurt my dog. You have no idea the pain I can bring you. Love the suit. If you love the pod, make sure you subscribe and tweet us once in a while. Take some clips. You know what people do that I don't approve of?

What, Photoshop titties on me and start jerking off to me? People make like best of compilations of us. Put them on their channel and get millions of views. Oh, and then they're monetized, right? I think so because I think it's legal on YouTube to make like a clip show and monetize it.

I don't much like that. However, if you do want to make a clip show of this show and you're good at it, why don't you reach out to us? Because maybe we could buy them from you and then we'll put them on our channel. That could be fun. You know, at the end of the day, not only is it what it is, but I think at the end of the day, I'm not going to split hairs over that because people are enjoying, people are making money, people are laughing.

I guess, but. And it's us. It all comes back to us. You know, like, hey, love it. So those are funny, but I loved your editing skills. Can we give you a million dollars? But what if I had a TV channel where I showed clips of my favorite shows and charged you a subscription service? That's fucking crazy. That's what YouTube is. Well, see, that I don't want. Well, that's what this is. I pay for YouTube premium.

So do I. And I'll never stop. I would never. I love YouTube premium. When people, when a friend who is, a lot of times I roll with circles who are a little well-to-do and they show me, pull up their phone and watch a YouTube video and there's an ad. And an ad comes up? I swap the phone out of their hand into the trash and then I fuck them. Well. I was accused. I was like, it's $10 a month, isn't it? When the ad comes up, I grab them and I grab their hand and I go, are you poor? Yeah.

By the way, it's not rich to have YouTube. No, no. And every media company has an OnlyFans. It's a lot. It's a lot. They need pruning, pruning, pruning. But I would rather go without applesauce one day a month. Not to mention TV. And we've done TV. Big, big companies. YouTube Premium is what helps the independent people get paid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The content creators you like. Yeah. So give the big girls some shots. Give the big girls some shots. Their channels are good and juicy.

Should we go? Bye. Bye.