Hell Hath No Fury Like Teenage Twitter with Trixie and Katya
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My favorite part of this pod is when we do things on our phone. Yeah, or- You listen to the last episode where we took the quiz? Yes, or when we, um, so many inside jokes that we don't even bother to finish the sentences, but we know what we're talking about, but don't feel like explaining- Do they? These people have watched every single thing we've made for like six years. Or when we repeat four stories in a row and have no recollection of it. It's not just the story repeating. It's telling it like, I can't believe I've never told you this. Yeah, or no, you set it up like, um-

I've never told anybody this before. Well, we don't ever start like, hi. Let's do it. Okay. Hi. 45 minutes. I could do that. I could keep that up for 45 minutes. I know you could. Welcome to another episode of the podcast called The Bald and the Beautiful.

Bald as fuck and beautiful on the inside. How have we never done a restock of our Faggy Bald merch? Faggy Bald Hat merch. Faggy Bald Fuck Hat merch. Faggy Bald Fuck. Remember the Faggy Bald Fuck Hat? Yeah. I think because it's the language is coarse. I like doing limited items merch wise. I really do. I don't think it's a classic. I think it's a sharp...

Percussive note and then it's a what do you got what's going on? Good PMS I saw what is say I suffer from PMS putting up with men's shit. So he didn't do Putting up with this. I didn't do shit. Yeah. When's the last time you do? Oh great question Um, it was about three four weeks ago. Yeah, and I douched with water warm water and you know, I

I didn't want to talk about shit right away because we did talk about shit last episode at length. Well, at length. But, you know, I just I'm not that type of person that needs to do anal. But I did stick a thing up my butt from Lilo, one of our sponsored dildos. And I have to tell you.

And you probably know it was very pleasurable. Yeah. Yeah. Right time, right place, right energy, right speed. There's a lot of variables that can make it not good. There's a lot of variables that could make it not good at the grocery store. Astroglide tweeted something about putting things up your ass. Astroglide. Is that a water-based lubricant? Who would play her? Who would play Astroglide as a company? Okay. Astroglide tweeted, did it hurt?

When he tried to sneak in the back door, acting like he somehow got lost in a mysterious labyrinth. Well, when he, I mean, he put his foot through the doggy door. Because that door is right next, I mean, it's right there. People need to realize that when you're eating pussy, you're eating ass. Well, I think this was a mistake on their part because I saw in the comments, people weren't very happy with the verbiage sneak in because it makes it seem not consensual. Oh, as if it's sexual assault, which it is. Lube companies tweeting about sexual assault. That's brave.

It's brazen. It's brazen. Yeah, it's brazen. I, on the other hand, yesterday tweeted, Billie Eilish sent me her record player with a vinyl. A record player? Yeah, a Billie Eilish record player. Yes. Are you fucking serious? And I tweeted, congratulations, Billie. Welcome to the Blonde Club. Can't wait to watch your show September 3rd. It's December 3rd.

And those teenage children came after me faster than the burn of a thousand suns. I'm surprised they didn't just change the calendar. Or find a way to edit other people's tweets.

They send you your own tweet in ransom note form. Yes, Billy was probably on Twitter going, well, I guess we're moving into September because this fag. This really highly influential fag says I have to do it on September. Just ruin this for me. Let's talk about it. Talk about what? Violet's show last weekend. Wait, wait, wait. Before we do that, I have to mention something because I'm going to forget it. Okay. It's very pertinent. Someone was in the studio earlier this morning, a musician, a singer, a singer.

And he said that some people say he looks like Trixie Mattel. And he had recently got this hairline procedure done, a tattoo of a shaved head. Have you ever heard of this? Oh, the head tattooing? Yeah. And I was skeptical. It looks great on some people. Yes. It looked fabulous on him. Yeah. And I immediately thought, should we do that? Who would play her? And I was like, you would. Who is it? It's a man.

Who looks like you. Really? Yeah, I'll show you. Okay. I'll show you. Well, I just fear that for, let's say, really fair skin people. He was that. Okay. I would say that it would be a really slippery slope of too dark of ink, too much. No, you go in gradations. It's not.

It's a process. You don't do Francois Sagat right off the bat. No, you don't Francois Sagat. You do like, it's like a, you know. It's subtle. Subtle. Yeah. It was fierce. It was fierce. And I saw it right close up. I said, come into this light. Now come into this light.

Yeah. And they said, take your top off. That's fierce. Yeah, it was really cool. Would you ever get it? No, personally, no. It wouldn't work for me. Because blonde. And your hair's only going to turn like... My hair's gray. Is it gray? It's all gray. Are you serious? Bones sticking out. Bones... Yes, it's all gray. It's all gray. It's gray. Are your pubes gray? No, they are black. Black pubes to all of them. I glue them on. I glue them on. So anyways, I wanted to mention that because bald and beautiful. I love the head tattoo thing. I think it would look good on you. I think it would look good on you.

I would be scared. I think it would look good on me, but I would be scared. Mary, you, it would be flawless. Really? Yes. Because what I'm seeing right now, Mary, you would look like you had a buzz cut. It would age you back maybe 12, 12, 12 years, 12 seconds. No, no, no, no, no. You would be, you would walk around like you had a fucking battering ram in your, you know what I mean? You would walk around. Yeah. Did you know that swimmers shave their heads?

No. One of my friends was a high school swimmer. Don't they wear swim caps? No, it was a bunch of guys. They all had shaved heads so they can swim faster. But they shave everything. To swim faster. Everything. Interesting. Because when they wear those shorts, they're like those 2002 Coochie Cutter low-risies where you see about a half inch of crack and the whole mon's pubis. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Mon's sticking out. Mon's sticking out. If I was a swimmer...

I don't know if I would win swimming because I would do looks. And the looks would hinder my swimming. Well, you would be so... I mean... A Von Dutch baseball cap. It probably...

You know. All the accessories. Yeah, a Dobby house elf. The chunky jewelry. A Dobby house elf pillow sack. Chunky jewelry. Sha'Carri Wilson nails. Nails. Nails. Maybe claw the water faster. Yes, clawing the water. And then on the feet. The platform sneakers would probably. Yeah. Manolas. I'd probably draw. Can you?

Can you swim at all on heels? Absolutely not. No, you can't like flip yourself to the water. You need flippers. You need flippers. Yeah. You need flippers. Plus they wear body suits nowadays.

Oh, they're not naked anymore? No. Oh, actually, no. The men's relay, they were very topless because I noticed. It would make you swim faster to be naked. Smooth skin. Yeah, it makes me watch. You do? I think they're so hot. That body shape, they're super tall. They have like, they're just crazy shaped. Yeah. Anyways, speaking of crazy shaped, Violet. Violet.

Well, I guess we can get into it. Let's get into it. So, Violet Tchotchke. Yeah. Who would play her? A young Dita Von Teese. A young Dita Von Teese, yeah. We got to see a lot more me, which is Violet's solo show at the Belasco.

I don't know where I was. It was at the Belasco. I think that's how you pronounce it. It was a beautiful theater, but it had been recently turned into a music venue, i.e. no fucking chairs. Well, the floor seating was no chairs. We were lucky enough, Violet, thank you, for putting us on a spot.

She put us in a special little VIP where there were chairs. It was rather private, wristband only. I will say this. I called her assistant, Ellie, and then I got on the horn with her. And she said, I was like, listen, I don't want to be that girl to ask for comps, you know, because that's, I don't want to be that girl. I'll pay. She's like, she's like, so you want to see what our real show looks like, honey? Yeah.

And she was more than happy to give us both comps and she did four of them. But I was expecting like a, the Muppets style. No, the Muppets style, a balcony set up. Oh, it's time to put on makeup. Yeah, like, you know, at the finale. Staller and Waldorf. Exactly. Or Michelle and Carson. Yes. That's what I thought. And what happened. You wanted all rise for the good lady, Brian McCook. And then you would walk out. No, no, no.

And like Prince Andrew just died. Yeah. But it was nothing of the sort. It was fine. It was more private than I thought it would be. Well, who was it? It was a...

It was a realist. It was a celebrity who's who a little bit we saw Jeremy Scott Jeremy Scott Yeah, I am NOT to be a nerd. He's great I have been text friends with him for years and I finally saw him in person Yeah, he had my big hug and we chatted and he was so nice and he was talking about some certain stuff He had coming up that I thought was cool and I just gave me a huge hug and I said I gotta tell you Hmm your shows just changed my life. I really love them. What do you say? He said get the who are you? I

No, I just was like, your shows made me aware of fashion at all. I just love you. That's really nice of you to say. And I said, I loved your show last year during quarantine when you had the marionettes because it was nice to see my size on the runway. Finally, representation for you. Also, the Price is Right runway, bitch. Oh, yes. So good. The caftan of the TV dinner. I mean, incredible. Oh, my God. Some wig issues. But no, they're intentional wig issues.

No, no, no, no, no. There were wigs that were placed intentionally an inch above the natural hairline. You didn't catch that? You didn't catch that? You don't smell that wig on their head? Maybe I'm not smart enough to pick up on this. No, no, no, no. It was clearly intentional. Yeah. Okay. Bad wigs. That's what I'm going to say next time, too, when my wig fully comes off. But your wig never does that. Actually, not in a long time. Knock on wood. No, because you're a professional. And I stopped moving around on stage. Yeah.

Moving around on stage. Kim was there. Kim. Bob. Bob. Can we do an impersonation of Bob watching that show? I never saw her the whole night. Bob, let's just say. Where was she? Like this? Who would play her? Viola. Viola Davis. Viola Davis. Yeah. Who would play her as Viola Davis in Suicide Squad? Oh my God. Okay. Bob internally loved the show, but externally Bob is...

Meanwhile, I am grinning ear to ear, standing up. I cried at one point. I cried. Yeah, it was really cool. Tears streaming out. Tears streaming out. I was just like...

She was... Obviously, we knew the drag was going to be good. We knew the stunts were going to be good. The microphone skills were great. Yeah. That bitch was funny. Much better. Somebody yelled, Violet, I love you! And Violet goes, I don't know you. Yeah, it was really great and quick. It was so funny. The only thing I would say, if we're going to get a little critical, is that for me, the persona of the bitch, if it just stays bitchy and hateful...

It's almost like there's like, I don't know, it hits a wall because then there's like no, not a lot of depth to it. Like, you know what I mean? I disagree. Okay. I felt like, wow, how fun to, how fun that the audience is almost like expecting you to go out there and be like, it's the least you guys could do is be here tonight. I look incredible. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. And also when, when Ellie brought out a red solo cup,

And she goes, I'm in couture, a red solo cup. And then they brought out a red solo cup with a rhinestone straw. With a rhinestone straw. It was so cute. And that it's, it's great because I mean, the benefit of wearing outfits like that, you know, even during that whole monologue, I was just so transfixed on the garment. I was like, I want that. I took pictures of every look in the show. Oh, you did? Yeah. Zoomed in. What was your favorite?

Oh, my God. Well, she started out with a Jeremy Scott May garment. It was like a tuxedo suit that had... Tearaway. Mama, we have to talk about this. Now, as a performer, I...

The zipper anxiety that I experienced during that show, as an audience member, but as a performer, I'm like, oh, I see a little struggle there with the zipper. Because the whole burlesque gig is taking off clothes seamlessly and intentionally. And there was a moment where the zipper caught a little bit and I almost had a heart attack. You went? I almost had a heart attack. I was like, what are you going to do?

What you gonna do? - There was a really fierce Lilo plug in the middle of the show where Violet got on a giant inflatable pink dong and she's in this like pink, I think it was like latex, like fetish suit. It was just everything. It was so good. And I love that in the beginning of the show Violet goes, "Well I got inspired to do this show because I used to tour with all the drag queens and I hate doing those group tours 'cause I hate other drag queens. And I just thought what if we did this show but a little more me?"

She was like, I realized my hatred of people led me down one path towards myself. Totally. It was so good. She was so beautiful. She was great. I mean, it's... I mean, I feel like we're unfair sometimes in the... Not me, in the world. Because when you look like Violet, people go...

There's drag queens who do kicks and splits and they're performers. But then if you look good and don't do the splits, you're not a performer. Violet, number one, can do the splits and did them in the show. Number two,

The commandment on stage, you are all going to watch this shit, bitch. It was like the way she... One person on a stage, most of the show, she just inhabited all of it. Yeah. And I mean, and also it was what was happening after, like behind the scenes that I was like, what is going on back there? It's probably like...

Do you want to be Violet's dresser? Absolutely not. No, I don't. Somebody gets killed every night. Every night, casualties, a trail of tears. Do you want to turn to Violet? The zipper just split. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I don't. Because they need to have a cobbler on retainer. They need to have, seriously, MacGyver back there. They have a cobbler at my show. A peach cobbler. It's a peach cobbler. We're going to take a break. Okay.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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And we're back. And we're back. So I have to tell you about the moment I cried at the theater. Okay. It was a Violet show. Uh-huh. So she does, by the way, oh, no, it's done. You can't go see it anymore. It's permanently done? No, she's doing Canada. Oh, go see it. I mean, go see it. So if you're in Canada, go ahead and go see it. Because the tickets were reasonable. Very reasonable. Very reasonable. Especially for us since they were free. Yes. But for the, you know, I don't love standing up. I won't stand up for anybody, not even gay rights or the national anthem.

But I actually did. It was a standing room. And I had to stand up because someone stood right in front of me. Why are we? We're in the VIP with all seats. Why are people standing? We were not. Mary, that was not a VIP. That was a very immense population. That's what the VIP stood for. Very immense population. Girl. Girl. Voluminous, intense people. That's what it stood for. I. You know what? I'm not going to say it. Don't. Don't say it. I'm going to say it. Okay.

The challenge with the VIP sometimes is those people are in fact not VIP. In fact, it ends up being people who desperately wish they were VIP, which is worse. Regular, regular peak. So then it's like, we're so thankful Violet gave us this little square of bread to stand here and watch the show. And then it's 47,000 people that you don't know. Yeah. Wait, what? Like there wasn't actually room to see the show or breathe, but it was...

It was worth standing for, for sure. Yeah, I had to stand up and I'm surprised that I wanted to because, I mean, I don't stand up. I love to sit. I was expecting a theatrical performance where I was sitting down and I wanted her to be wheeled out Hannibal Lecter style, just outfit, each outfit, you know, to the left, to the right, to the center and back. But, um...

At one point I realized there was just a fan standing right next to me. Oh, yeah. No wristband. Oh, yeah. Just a fan vibing. Oh, yeah. Wandered into the VIP section. I DJed at Summer Tramp on Sunday and there was a little twink behind us. It was like me, Mario Diaz, Andres Fergal. In the DJ booth? All these LA nightlife people, right? In the DJ booth. And I'm sweating bullets because I'm doing this and it's...

Andres and you know, like real people next to me. And then all day we're like, oh, that guy must be with someone. At the end of the day, Matteo goes, do you know what I found out? That little twink who was standing on stage the whole night, he was so confident, we all assumed he was with someone, he wasn't. - The con. Yeah, it's the con. - The unmitigated gall. I'm going to my own show being like, is it okay if I come in? - That was me trying to get into the Belasco. I was like, I have VIP tickets at the Will Call and I'm like,

I don't want to cut the line. I don't want to cut the line. Yeah. I followed. I saw a great technique. Gigi walked by and I was like, wherever she goes, they're going to believe that she's VIP. Yeah. So I have to. Yes. Smash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hobble behind. Yeah. I am. Igor myself back in got mix. So that worked for me. So that works as well. I thought that person was going to fall off the balcony.

What? During the intermission of the show, I believe, got on top of the, you know, the balcony is a ledge. She got on the ledge on both knees and stood up and was like, woo. And the audience was wooing her. And I was like, we're about to watch that 90 pound man dressed as a 90 pound woman fall to her death. Oh, they would have caught her and just like sprung right back up. Just like cheerleading. She would have floated. Yeah. Yeah.

The show was just... The show was great. And there was one moment where... So she does a... It's the chair dance. So she does an aerial chair act. And she's up there very high on stage, unsupported. There's no net. There's no wire. And she's up there. And if she fell, she would break her neck. Die. Yeah, she could die. Absolutely, she could die if she fell. Gravely injured at least. And I'm like...

fucking hell like just on squeezing her calves and quads and then when she goes back up and does the split on the chair and I was like I started crying because I was like good I was like you go girl laughing

I always felt like a princess was living her fairy tale. - Yes. - Not bad. - No, I felt it. Do you know what I mean? - I felt it and it was-- - The fantasy. - You know what it was? It was somebody doing what they love better than anyone. - Yeah, and-- - In real time. - So beautiful. - And you know, you were thinking, I kept thinking, she's gonna go home tonight and she's gonna get in bed and go, "I fucking let those whores have it." And she did. - Yeah, it was cool. - And also not to be morbid, but isn't that the point of Ariel's is it does cross my mind

We could watch Violet die tonight. Yeah. I mean, I think that's what half of the crowd was showing up to see. Can I have a comp in case you fall to your death? And 50% of those people left home, you know, they went back home disappointed. Disappointed. Yeah. Me and Gigi Gorgeous like this. Yeah. Like, oh. Yeah. But once she goes up there, then I have to catch myself and go like, oh, this isn't like...

The Spice Girls at the Olympics where they're belted into something. Yeah, no. She could just fall to her death in a wig and die. Yeah. This ain't Cirque du Soleil, bitch. I mean, the VIP didn't even have security. You think she's got a wire? I get nervous walking in heels backstage because of everything. I turned to the person who I didn't know, who had no wristband. Kimchi. Yeah. And I was like, I couldn't even walk across the stage in those heels that she's wearing. No. Those...

Those arched. Her foot is past vertical. It's this. Her arch is past a vertical. I was like, and she's not only she's doing all this stuff. I mean, it was just crazy. You know what's great about it too is Bob and I were watching going, how does this person have the same job title as us? Right. But the great thing is I don't aspire to do what she does. Hell fucking no, bitch. So like I never watch Violet and go like.

Oh, never. No, no, no. That's why I was able to like. Yeah, that's why I would, I never for once like compared. I was like, I was like, oh wow, I could hang upside down out of drag four feet off the ground. You know what I mean? Like in my home. Yeah, like in my, from my pull up bar with a, a sex swing. The one time I tried to use a sex swing, a beam came down. I was responsible for a condo building collapsing. I couldn't even get my wig glued on.

Like that's, you know what I mean? It's like start to, I might not show. Yeah. No, it's just none of that could happen for me. Not one thing. And I was like, it's so nice to see somebody actually go and do it. Yeah. But I want to talk to you about this though, because I was recently in drag last night for a photo shoot. Very simple, but I was in full drag and I was miserable and I was in pain and I snatched my way so fiercely to a rivetingly

Unbelievably Svelte 31 inches I felt like Violet I felt And I'm talking This is a bone Stincture Custom made And I'm pulling Bone sticking out Bone sticking out No Bones Not sticking out Like Bones staying put And I am I can't breathe I'm very uncomfortable I can't bend over Can I touch your body? I do the Yeah I do the Bone sticking out So yeah

It's not bad, but it just can't... I mean, girl. What's your waist? I'm bigger than you, but yours is firm. But this is... But also, you have a lot of muscle there. Muscle doesn't squish like other things. Well, there's training involved. Your core strength is amazing. There's training involved. However, what I'm trying to say is my waist, there's blubber here. I don't have a lot of blubber, but this is where most of it's located. Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is...

It is so uncomfortable to look even halfway good a lot of the time. Oh, yeah. And I think that obviously the cliche pain is beauty is, you know, it's a cliche. But I when I see Violet and when I I just want to be the homely, funny girl, not even funny, maybe just the homely girl who wanders in and is looking for a hot dog. You were. Yeah. The homely girl who wants to write a check for a hot dog.

That's what I want to be. It was good that you had the wherewithal to leave before the end. I had to. Because getting out of there was... Oh, no. Yeah. It was tough. I felt bad because Amy came up and gave me a hug from Sugar Pill and I had to go...

Yeah, because you're in a hostage situation. Had to run out of the lobby. Had to run out of the lobby and I grabbed Gigi Gorge and said, are you getting in a car? I'll go wherever you're going. Yeah. And I just thumbed a ride with Gigi to her home. You just dive through the Bentley. To her house. Oh, good. Because she goes, we're going to go to the chapel, but I have to go home because I have to get new shoes. And I was like, what happened? She's like, I broke them. And she broke both her heels. And I was like, you fat cunt. God, she's gained, what, 50, 60 pounds? Yeah.

She looks always flawless. It's just un-fucking-believable. Her name is Gigi Gorgeous, and you're like, one day she's going to drop the ball. I haven't seen it yet. Who would play her as far as like, if she's Gigi Gorgeous, what are you? Goo Goo Magoo? I am literally... I'm Goopy McDonald. Yeah, like...

mice, like a, a fungi, some kind of fungi protozoa, like, uh, I'm Beavis mice, la water. Uh, it's horrible. Yeah. I'm the shit. I'm the dead rat that the, um, the fungi pokes through in order to decompose that thing and put it back in the earth. That's me.

Well, we sent Violet some pre-show gift, which was nice. Your suggestion, which I immediately shot down, I said, no! I said, why don't we send her, she gave us comps, and I'm like, why don't we send her flowers? And you go, you said, no, exclamation point. Because I was just, I've been going through some personal things about flowers. I hate them. I hate them so much. So you decide everyone hates them? Of course. That's when I came to my senses and realized that not everybody thinks like me. Right? That's part of being a person. Well, so we sent Violet an item.

then she has to take it home with her. Sending her flowers that she feels like I can throw it away. Great. Yeah. You know? Absolutely. You are right in this regard. Plus, you appreciate flowers. That's great. Most people do. It's a wonderful gesture that's not often looked at with contempt or disgust. No. Like me or Madonna. And Violet in full drag getting what? How many roses did we send her? Just like 1,500. Yeah. And half pink, half red, I think. Yeah, half pink, half red. I bet they were delivered and Violet was getting a drag and said, who are they from? They said Trixie and Kajun. She's probably like, hmm.

So I feel I was so happy that you did that because I think it was a really nice gesture and I'm sure she felt great. But she felt great. I was what happens to me when I see flowers anywhere in the dressing room. That's fine. It's not my property. You know what I mean? I don't live there. I find them in front of my door. I say, what the fuck is going? I feel like it's a trap or I feel like it's a prank.

And then once I realized it's neither of those things, I just realized it's a huge pain in the ass. You just bought me a trip to the dumpster. I'll tell you this. When it was my birthday, what, a week ago, I got flowers from PG. Gorgeous. I got flowers, a hundred roses from Netflix. A hundred. A hundred. I got, my assistant got me roses and I texted it. Who did I text? Margot Robbie. No, no, no, no. I texted Pete from World of Wonder and said,

You know, my birthday ends in seven hours. Netflix already delivered. So you think I don't know what you guys are doing. I don't know. Pete's probably doing one of the 400 jobs he's tasked with. But see, for me, I don't know if I've said it before. I hate flowers. I love fake flowers. But to me, flowers are such a frivolous inconvenience. You look at the fucking shithole I live in. You think we're operating on the level of flowers? It's like, no. Yeah.

Give me some Dawn. So give me some dish soap. Give me some cash. Can I get a tushy? Yeah. Maybe some goo gone for that shit. That's on the wall. Maybe a pillowcase. How about, you know, a new welcome mat? Yeah. Anything. Literally three dollars in a card. Can I get a shoehorn? Yeah. Anything. Literally anything. Any kind of useful tool or gesture.

Or simply like a singing telegram. Yeah. I love my birthday gift, by the way. Oh, I'm glad you like it. Yeah, I'm glad you like it. Stunning. I want to get a similar one because I need a fanny pack. It's not beautiful to be a balding person and then have a backpack.

I feel like a fucking problem. I was just telling somebody about this. I was like, I'm at the point where too many things fit in my pocket. Too many things for my pocket. Way too many. But a backpack. I'm not going to school. I look, I look like Robin Williams and that would be Jack aging super fast. You look like, I look like Steve Buscemi going back to high school. Hello, fellow kids. Exactly. It's not cute. Pedo vibes.

It is not pedo-geddon. I know. Yeah, but I got a lot of shit in there. The show was good though. The show was good. I had to run out of there. I ran out because I had, so they had a, listen, they had the Shangri-La. I've never seen anything like it. A smoking area outside.

sparsely populated. I walked into there, only three people in there, full bar, not that I care, but Joe Camel, Joe, Joe Camel, the Marlboro man. And then misty, um, ultra light 1000 was there. It was, I was like, really? And so, but at intermission, I had some very unfortunate series of fan interactions that just compiled. And I just booked it. I just booked it, Mary. You know what I did forget about?

There were Julia Roberts there. I forgot that we were going to... We're not famous, but I forgot that we were going to an event where we actually probably were. So, yeah, I forget that. I forget it too because normal day-to-day, whatever. Who cares? Who cares? But at those events, every single person knows who we are. Almost 100% of the crowd. After you left...

During intermission, I think I stood up to go talk to Gigi and so people on the floor saw me. So then people were teaming up down there in groups and going one, two, three and yelling Brian Furcus. Oh, so yeah. Somebody. During Violet's show. Wait, during the show? No, during intermission, they were yelling my name in groups at once to get me to respond. What, they're going to show them your tits like it's New Orleans? Violet's literally about to go on stage. What if you just focus on her for five seconds? Yeah.

I don't know. I really don't like being the center of it. I like I should have brought a disguise.

We should have done the RuPaul mask. Mask and wheelchair. Did you have a hat or something? Yeah. She showed up to Peach's show incognito. Our show. Yes, our show. Undercover. Literally, girl, CSI wishes. Yeah. Miami Vice could never. Well, I remember Peach's was like, word on the street is RuPaul's coming to your show. And I was like, I don't even think Katya's coming to this show. This is in. Yeah.

And then RuPaul and then Kati and then Peaches goes, you know, Peaches is famous for keeping everything under wraps and never gossiping or anything. And Peaches Christ goes, RuPaul is here, but don't tell the cast because they don't want to get nervous. I walk out into the dressing room two seconds later and people are like, RuPaul's here. Everyone knew. And RuPaul came in. I loved it though. I think like a cabana hat.

A mask? At the time, Peaches called it a SARS mask, which I don't think is... It was pre-COVID. No, no, no. Yeah, it was a SARS. No, it was like an airport mask around SARS or bird flu. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then she... In a wheelchair. In a wheelchair. It was brilliant. It's brilliant. Because she's so tall, you have to remember. She has to be so... Immediately, if you don't recognize her, you're like, who is that? And then you recognize her. Yeah. So the wheelchair is a brilliant touch. And she was, I think, wheeled by her...

George, who was dressed as a nurse. A slutty nurse. He was dressed as a nurse, like at the end of Promising Young Woman with a colorway and a bunch of G and a bottle of vodka. Yes, I loved that movie. It was fierce. It got me together. It was fierce. How did you feel about the ending? Loved it. You did, yeah? Loved it. Do you think it was too whimsical? That she died? No. Okay. Sorry, spoiler alert. Oh.

Sorry, she lives forever. She dies in her bed surrounded by chubby grandchildren. Huge. Chubby. Huge chubby grandchildren. I loved it because do they really think that a tiny little woman would escape a situation like that? Yeah. Realistically, no. Yeah. She's also standing over him with a knife. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, knife sticking out knife, knife. Yeah. Yeah. I loved it. She got me together. Yeah. She got me together. That posthumous like gotcha thing was pretty good. Oh, that's the ultimate. Yeah. That's the ultimate gotcha. I have an envelope prepared in case of my sudden demise. First thing I do every day is I schedule a text in case I die tomorrow. Oh, I have several envelopes already stamped. Do you really?

Oh, yes. Where the bodies are buried. Latitude and longitude. Let's just say lots of different. There's about, there's two dozen envelopes. When you die, can I have some money? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

I was figuring that out the other day. I was like, if I get in a car accident or something, I have enough money to give away for people to be mad at. Do you know what I mean? I don't have a lot of money, but I have enough money for a few people. People to fight over. Yes, exactly. Because you got that in my head with the Rick Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova thing. And so she was distraught. Do you see yourself as a Rick Ocasek?

Or a Paulina. I see myself as the cat. I think there was a cat somewhere. But, you know, like children fighting over estates or whatever. I was like, ooh, what a wonderfully morbid activity to figure out who gets what in the unlikely. Isn't that horrible? In the very likely event of my death. Do you want to talk about this? Because we could take a break and talk about it. Let's take a break and talk about it. Okay. We're taking a break. Let's take another break. No, I'm just kidding.

I have thought about it too. Yeah. Well, you have, you're, well, I'm not going to. I'm not rich, but I've thought, well, that sounds horrible. No, no, no, no, no. It's all relative. Let's just say this. In my hometown in Wasaki, Wisconsin, I'm filthy rich. Filthy rich, yeah. In Hollywood, Los Angeles, I am the caddy at a golf. I'm the caddy at a golf, what do you call it? A golf. Pavo. Pavo. What's it? A golf green? A golf place? Golf cart? A caddy at a golfing green? A golfing. Golf course. Ah!

Wow. Yeah. So, you know, I thought about like, well...

Who in my life do I love but has enough money of their own where they would get nothing? Versus like people in my life who are close to me who like some money if I died would change the course of their life. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Like so I would go, I go loans. Who's got debt? In the family. Immediate family. Any debt? Bam. Right. That's the first thing. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, my brother is an attorney. He's totally self-sufficient. I'm like, God, I would probably give more money to my younger siblings. One being like a new mom. Yes. You know, like.

And I'm like, I could give a bunch of money to my mom, but I don't realistically see my mom living another at least five years. So like, what is that money doing? You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess. And then I was like, well, would I give any? What would happen to my drag? Have you thought about that? What would I want to happen to all this drag? Drag? My dresses and shit. Oh, I sell all mine all the time. I stopped selling. Because you're archiving now. No, I'm not archiving. I just don't want anybody to have anything anymore.

Interesting. Well, once I started working with Amy Sarazan, who does all my costumes, everything is so impeccable that I'm like, and it's not corseted. So I'm like, I could fit that in 10 years. Oh, yeah. So I don't want to get rid of it. You know what? That's true. Yeah. The stuff I make, I'm just like, oh, I've had enough. I want to get rid of it. See, we feel differently about this because I think some of your...

The outfits you made are the best things you have. I love them. You shouldn't get rid of them. But I can make them again. Better. That's true. Some of those weird, cracky shoes, I won't ever get rid of those. They're like little objet d'art. You know what I mean? They're like little sculptures. What happens? I love those mules from tour that are bejazzled. Me too. They're just so wild. And also, that takes a lot. Can you make me some? No. No.

I mean, no, because I don't love anybody enough to do that. Isn't that funny? I don't love anybody enough other than myself to make those shoes. Well, you know, I'd have to. If I killed your sister, I'd make you a couple of those shoes. So I'm going to wait till something horrible happens. I'd have to do a lot. I mean, big time murder atonement murder.

So the judge is like, you either have to do 60 years to life or you have to make shoes. Yeah. We're like, we're prepared to offer you three life sentences or six Tory Burch bedazzled mules. Made from broken jewelry. Yeah. All Swarovski. Yeah. I've thought about this because of death. You know, I think about death all the time. I do too. What happens to drag queens drag when they die?

Normal people. Do other drag queens come and like take pieces of it? Yeah. So, well, she didn't die, but she left under the cover of night. So she might as well have. The drag queen whose apartment I inherited, vultures mama. Vultures. Do you ever know what happened to her? Oh yeah. She's alive and well in New York City.

But she left the dragon was like, let people have it. Whatever. She was like, listen, you can have the apartment, but I got to leave tonight. And so it was a lot of cleanup. So the first thing that happened was all the Queens came and we vultured. I found a hundred dollars in change on the floor. That gives you an idea of the kind of hoarding going on. This is the fridge that got taped shut. Yeah. Yeah. The do not open the,

Don't open that. Oh my God. We remembered a story and we remember that we already told it. Yes. Through, through a callback that we got. Yeah. Also 45 episodes. Great segue. Did you see Candyman? No. Did you? I did. Did you live?

I lived and I, so I watched it. I was, I was, I mean, I was riveted, unsettled. And then I read the most incredible review by this, this writer on Vulture who, mama, this woman, this incredible writer, she took that hook off a candy man's hand and slashed that movie until it was just, she didn't like it. No, she said it was a, and I quote, a soulless, um,

derivative piece of garbage. It's the worst movie to come out so far this year. Did you feel that way? So a lot of the angle was that it was for white folks.

Because it was a didactic, soulless reinvention. What is didactic? I mean, it's like too teachy, preachy. Like, we're teaching you stuff right now. Like, characters in conversation would be like, yeah, so gentrification. Like, they would casually mention how gentrification works among black folks who know what that, you know what I mean? Right. So it was very much for a white audience, it felt like. Which, being a white member of the audience during the time, I was, like, gagged. And I was like...

And then I like read that and I was like, oh shit. I'm problematic because I liked it. Yeah. I mean, I thought it was like crazy. I mean, it was, it was very entertaining and crazy and cool, but yeah, there was some, you know. I always wonder like people like the gentleman who plays Pinhead or like when they probably accidentally find some of these iconic horror roles, it must be mind blowing for them decades later to be like,

How did some job I took once... Tony Todd, yeah. The guy who plays Candyman. How did it turn into what defines me? I mean, in a good way. And they never know. Actors never know if something's going to take off. They never know. You do a pilot. Everybody from Game of Thrones, they had no idea. They thought they were doing some fantasy pilot. It's not going to get picked up. Ten years later, most popular television show of all time. Your aria stock for life. For life. For life, yeah. But anyways, it was...

It was interesting, like the, it was, it gave you the good slash and gore stuff. It was a lot of body horror, like much more than the original. Wow. And I love the original. But get this, there were young children in the theater, like eight, six, five, four years old. And I realized, I was like, we're like, what the, what's going on there? And then I realized I was 10 when I saw the original. That's 10 years old. I'm going to say something that you're afraid to say.

Fuck them kids No, I'm just I was just surprised. I don't think it's like I don't think it's like, you know If it if it gives them nightmares for a week fuck them kids but also I so deeply don't believe in like a censorship at all that I'm like It's a it's a stabby stabby movie. It's Not I mean kids. Do you feel seriously disturbed because you saw candy made at 10? Maybe you're not a good good example. I mean, I would never ever say it in the mirror. I

I would never. Even to this day? Oh, absolutely not. Not even as a joke. Do it. Do it. I would not. I would never. But imagine the viewership if you got stabbed and gutted right now. I know. And it was cool. In the movie, you couldn't see it. It was like he was kind of invisible. You could only see him through the mirror. So it had cool effects. Wow. And some bitch got slashed throat open right at the beginning. Wow. Right at the beginning. And it was tied into the art world, so it was kind of a velvet buzzsaw, like...

Killer art. Did you see Velvet Buzzsaw? No, but isn't the original Candyman, there's like a lot of, that's in New Orleans, right? The original one? No, it's Chicago. It takes place in Chicago. It's all around Cabrini Green, the housing projects, the low-income area of the city. And there's like, the original is Virginia Madsen is a white...

grad student who's doing research and she gets like hooked into this story. I gotta rewatch it. That really scared the shit out of me as a kid. Well, it's incredible because two things, the Philip Glass score and then get this, she never screams. She gets hypnotized by him. It's almost romantic, right? It is. And she actually got hypnotized on set during those scenes. Like, you know, he's in the parking garage during the day. He's like, Ellen.

It's like seductive. Yeah. It's fucking creepy though. Would you fuck Candyman? Absolutely. I think I would too. He could take that hook and go right up. Right in my little garage. Yeah. Right in that parking garage. Yeah. Hook sticking out. Hook sticking out.

Well, you better say it, say it, say it, say it, say it. I'm going to see it. No, watch it. I'm sorry to. Yeah, I'm going to see it. I don't care. You'll enjoy it. It's a good horror movie for sure. You know, I'm a great horror movie audience. Even when something's horrible, I'm like, so like I'm the ultimate. It's really well paced. It's never boring. Some of the acting is kind of, and weirdly the main character who's this like, so, I mean, the guy's so fucking hot and,

It's kind of flat and wooden in it. It's strange. Not very charismatic, but it's a good horror movie. I'm going to watch it. Yeah. Hook sticking out. Hook, hook sticking out. Well, that's the pod. That's it. Anything you want to plug? I want to plug those tattoos on your head. I want to plug...

I had never been interested in hair plugs, but I would be interested in that. I'm going to show you and you're going to gag. Trust and believe. I like being bald. Me too. That would be great. This will look like you have a fresh buzz cut. I'm going to do a crowd fund. Go fund me. It would look so good on you. I'm telling you. Okay. You'll gag. I'm going to show you right now. Will you go with me and hold my hand? Yeah. I'll hold your foot. I'll tie your foot to your hand. You've never had a tattoo though. I get the tattooed head. I cut off the hand and get a hook.

I look like Francois Sagat going to a Halloween party and everyone is living. Frangie man. Frangie man.

Bye.