Fisting is the New Kissing with Trixie and Katya
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Well, stay close to the microphone. Don't bang on the table. Yeah, stay close to the mic. The banging can be treacherous. Stay close to the microphone. The banging can be treacherous. I'm going to tell you that we opened this skinnylicious menu at the Cheesecake Factory. It's good. Yeah, I don't know. The regular portions weren't as giant as I thought they would be.

And as a bitch like me who can gain weight from a stick of gum, I appreciate the limitation of don't show me the rest of the menu. This has a slightly less calorie version of everything. Is it smaller portions or less calories or both? Both. But it's a lot of like less calories. It's a hors d'oeuvre. No, it's like it's not the burger. It's the turkey burger. You know what I mean? Gotcha. Gotcha. It's also extremely dark in there.

It's dark. Did you go to the one at the Grove? Yes. Love it. Do you go on the patio, the upstairs patio? You can sit outside? No, but we saw. You gotta sit outside. Yeah. I want to sit by the fountain. I cry at fountains. If there's any kind of choreographed display featuring water and music, it's Niagara Falls.

There's a lot of good ones in Scream when they're sitting by that fountain and be like, I don't know how I should just kill someone. Yeah. And what do you say? Liver? Did they find a liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found a liver in the mailbox. Yeah. Our friend Jamie Kennedy from the pod. Our good friend. Our close personal friend, Jamie Kennedy. That was the real state. And then when I left that cemetery, as I was trying to like boot scoot it out, a girl stopped me and said, isn't it funny that you made fun of Jamie Kennedy and now he's on screen right now?

And I said, well, no, I didn't say anything. I just walked away. No, it's not funny because he's a Hollywood actor. He's... And that's a Hollywood film. Yes. It's funny that you're approaching me in a cemetery to talk about it. Yeah. It's funny that I peed my pants and that I have to wiggle out of here before there's poop as well. Do you know you can pee without pooping, but you can't poop without peeing? Poop could always do pee, but pee could never do poop. That's on period. And period could never do pee. Do you see this? Yeah, what's with that? I think it's dandruff. Who would play her? Um...

Brushed linen. Fibers. I love this wiglet. The wiglet. I love this wiglet. You love it? I do. Did you ever get a piece? Yes, because I put that piece on in your apartment, a men's wig, and I was enchanted. Transported to another realm. Yeah. There is a man I know that we know, that we both know, let's just say. There's a boy I know. He wears a wiglet.

It's so glued to his head. You would never, ever know. And it's I was like, wow, I want to I really want to do like just outings as a different kind of man character or just a man character, let's say. Well, I think there's two camps. There's the people who I don't want to camp. I don't like it. There's the people who wear the wiglet and have everyone around them convinced it's a real wiglet.

And the people who are like, yeah, I just thought I'd put it on tonight. Woo, it's wig night. You know what I mean? Like men, like Marco Monroe. We all know it's a wig. That's the fun of it. Yeah. So I'm somewhere in the middle. We all know it's a wiglet, but I'm going to keep it. Don't ask, don't tell. I'm going to the grave with that secret. With that secret. The unit. Yeah, the unit and I.

Code of silence. Even though you're trying to have no one notice, you keep futzing with it the whole time you're there? Yeah, and the glue is always coming off, and sometimes it just completely falls off. And I go, oh, shoot, look over there. Yeah, I try to do that, and then, yeah. But I like, I mean, I wish men would, well, I don't wish men would do anything. I actually wish men would all die. But it is fun to wear a wiglet. People should wear more wigs. Normal people should wear more wigs. I don't know why it's...

Well, normal people do wear wigs. It's just for some reason, like the men's toupee thing is like so, you cannot admit it. Well, it's like African-American community, women, wigs, no big deal. Your grandma, wigs, no big deal. And then in the middle, there's not enough, there should be more wigs in general. Uncle Bob cannot admit at Thanksgiving at 55 years old that that's a toupee. Otherwise. Right. Yeah. People should just be like, oh, I put a wig on. Like toupees are the tampons of the men's world. If I was a normal man and I had, let's say a hairstyle.

I think I would get a wig. Like if I like, I would get a wig of my hair, a wig of my hair and just wear that. Like Nicole Kidman. Instead of you sitting in a makeup chair, you can walk in and put on the wig and leave. That's why every movie has wigs. That's why they do wigs. Because the person doesn't want to sit in the chair. Well, think about the wear and tear on your actual hair and also continuity. It's all about, it's all, it's continuity, you know, like, but here's the thing though, in terms of wiggery, someone was noticing the other day, like,

When did wigs become noticeable? Because in the 30s, 40s, 50s, they were all wearing wigs and that wig game was bliss. It was an HD television, bitch. I guess so. 8mm foam. They had a hard front wig on. Also, people didn't know as much about wigs. Yeah, but Hitchcock, though. I mean, that's not HD, but it's still close up. It's right there. You never think wig. It's all flawlessly done back in the day. And now it's like boo-boo nasty. Is it because of... I was watching Killing Eve and I saw wet lace on the front.

on a character and I was like, oh shit, there is a sticky glue on that. The temples of that character is lace front. Well, do you remember like there's that iconic picture of Beyonce singing where she's like scrunching her face and you can see the wig ripple, the lace ripple. But that's stage wear. That's theatrical. That's totally different. You know what I mean? Like I'm talking about on camera, editable, redoable, you know, that's like a live action is different.

But like in movies and stuff, you know, they do Glimmerglass on, just like RuPaul has done on her on Game of Thrones for Generous. Or they did. Have you always...

Never mind. I was going to ask, have you always been not good at doing wigs? But why would you have been good and then quit? That doesn't make any sense. When did you stop getting good at that? When did you decide to suck shit? Well, no, I remember learning about wigs because I didn't know any drag queens knew about wigs. And I was like, I'm going to have to figure this shit out. I never learned about wigs, obviously. But you learned about sewing, I guess. Yes, I learned about sewing. How'd you learn to sew? The streets? The school of hard needles.

Needles up my ass. Fashion Institute of New York. Yeah, no, I mean, I wrote about that for a little thing, a little Substack thing. Oh, selling? Let me tell you about this. I already told the thing. Let's repeat an imprint story. Before you say that, subscribe to our Substack. Oh, yes. It is a newsletter. And I know what you're saying. Oh, 1983 called and wants its stupid idea back. But no, it's great. It's great. It's called Gooped. And we are giving you, I don't know what you call it. Mama, we're giving you life. Life.

We're giving you drama. Yes, 12 steps to being a fierce diva, honey. How to work and own your diva-ness. Yes, what pair of pumps should you wear to brunch, bitch? How do I find my fucking fierce faggot? Let's get fierce with that contouring diva. See you at brunch, bitch. Stick a fucking firework up that cunt. Yeah, if you don't know me about my Birkin, you don't know about my workflow, diva bitch. I just bombed the Capitol.

Yes. See you on January 6th. Girl boss. So that's basically Substack. And it's fun. And it's free or you can pay. There's a lot of options. I did interrupt you. Uh-huh. Talking about wigs and learning to sew. And you were going to say something. Yeah. So back in the day, this is before Drag Race. Many years. I'd probably say it was 2008. 10. 2012. 2012.

For $80, I went to Sears and I bought a brother sewing machine. Just a boot scootin' old brother sewing machine on sale. $80. I have used that same sewing machine until this day, even this morning, to create 80% of the garments I have worn before, during, and after Drag Race. And you think that your garments are going to make people want to sew? I need you to suspend. I need you to just come with me for a second. Okay.

You too can look like a tired old show hag. You too can look like a sea hag that has washed ashore in the 1700s and has been preserved in jelly. You too can look like a hooker who's daylighting at Joanne Fabrics. I would like to draw the attention to the very real observable facts that these garments have fetched hundreds, actually thousands of dollars.

on the international marketplace. You're right. It's true. But some of them are fierce, right? Yes, they are. I mean, don't even get me started. I'm not talking about good construction. No, I've harassed you enough. I think you should start a small, limited edition, limited number line of dresses. So this is where our personal styles and philosophies diverge because that would be taking something that I'm passionate about, a Harby, if you will, and turning it into a workflow, which would mean miserable.

So I like to preserve this like Harvey hobby. I like to preserve Harvey fully loaded Harvey at the wig store. Once this lady Darlene said, do you ever think about getting a Harvey? And she meant Harvey. Harvey. Yeah. Anyways, Harvey Harvey. So it stuck with me. You said, do you want Hardee's? What do you know? Her name is Darlene. She said Darlene, but she was Darlene had a Harvey and didn't want a Harvey. Yeah.

So, but it's just for me. It gives me joy. It sounds like she was reading. Like you were talking about your feelings. She goes, yeah, you ever think of getting a hobby? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she, yeah, no, she read a lot. But I don't want to, I don't want to, I just want it to be for me. And the satisfaction, you know, of making a garment with your own hands and then wearing it and then getting tipped. It's a rush. It's lovely. It's the full cycle of satisfaction. Yeah.

The full cycle of creation. Yeah. It's very exciting to have a gig and you're so excited to wear your new thing that you made. Yes. And somebody goes, I like your outfit. And it takes a quarter of a second to go. I just made it. Yeah. I made it. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Look at the zipper. Actually, don't look at the zipper. It's kind of crooked and up the back. I'm actually a very good zipper. I'm the zipper girl. I'm the zipper. Zippers are tough, especially on stretch fabric.

They always end up puckering for me. I get that zigzag. I know how to not do that. What do you do? Well, you've got to... Who would play her?

What's her name? Holly Hunter. Holly Hunter in Top of the Lake. No, but it's so satisfying because let's be honest, stage wear, Mary, anybody checking for lining? Who cares? Who the fuck cares? Does it shine? Do you look amazing? Wonderful. Can it last three shows? Can you move in it? Yeah. Can you move it? Is it custom tailored to your nasty, irregularly sized body? Yes, it is. Because I've tried it on 14 times because I don't know how to measure.

So I just do, do, do as I go. Oh, wow. Yeah. So you don't have a pattern of your body? I do now though. I do now though. And you're healthy. Literally made it maybe two months ago. Is it a bodice or what? It's just sleeves and a mini dress, like bodycon mini dress to the knee pattern paper. You never had that until now? This is what I would do. I would take an old, whatever I had just worn and use that as a pattern.

Sometimes I ran out like it's like a game of telephone by dress number 10. But you're like, do I have a humpback? I was like, wait a minute. How many goiters do I actually have? Yeah, it was like so crazy. So insane, too. But the thing there was that different fabrics have different stretch because I don't only do knits. I don't know how to do non-stretch fabric because that involves precision and measure. You don't know how to do darts or like. I know I do darts, but I don't know how to fit it. Yeah, I can do that with stretch.

Like on a cat suit, you have to do the darts in the back. Otherwise it's, you know, but you just do it. You just do a flat body with two to back darts, right? If you, the way that I do a cat suit, I fold the fabric in twice in fours and then I make one cut and that's it.

It's like a magic trick. It's super boring. It's like a very boring magic trick that's not magical at all. Russian pop blaring at ear splitting levels while you cut out one shape for two and a half days. But now that I have that pattern, any fabric. What about the heartbreak of tendinitis from cutting sequin fabric and shit like that? That's where the pizza cutter came in.

The rotary cutter? I got me a pizza cutter. The rotary cutter? Yeah. And I fucking, I got a ruler. I got a thing. We got a table. It's a whole deal. And I fucking rip into that four layer of like, it's like deep dish fucking sequin pizza. Chicago style. Yeah. Goggles. Gotta put goggles on. By the way, the goggles. Gotta put goggles on. The half sequins flying through the air. You ever hit hammered beads?

You ever hammered beads for a seam? There's nothing worse than cleaning up after sewing sequins too. Half sequins, you'll find them for six months. If you have rug sequins, never. It's over. Never. Sequins in your anus, sequins on your titties. Get into this. You know what I used? I started doing Rocky Horror back in the day. And you know, during Rocky Horror, they throw toast, they throw rice. So much crap. Props. Prop queens. So much detritus. The first time I did Rocky, I was like,

18 and I remember it was on a Saturday and next day Sunday I found a piece of rice in my piss hole in my piss slit a piece of rice and you know what it had cooked pasta doubles rice triples I love rice me too I love basmati from Zanku chicken

Most of the time, rice is the only level of effort I'm willing to make. Listen, how about this? Look at this. Rice and seaweed. You got your starch, you got your protein. We're taking a break!

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Ah, no hay nada más satisfactorio que dejar tu casa completamente limpia. Excepto, tal vez, los ahorros de Labor Day. Ahorra en todos tus artículos de limpieza favoritos como el O-Cedar Spin Mop y Fabuloso. Y con entrega gratis en productos seleccionados, pídelos hasta la puerta de tu casa. Con los ahorros de Labor Day en The Home Depot, haces más, logras más. Sujeto de disponibilidad, consulta a homedepot.com de Honaldo Libre para más detalles. Ah!

miso soup and a little bit of rice. And you know what else is great? When I'm really busy, I eat like paimei in Kill Bill. Yeah, like a dog. Like bowls of rice only. And I'm like, I gotta eat. What's filling? This one little sad cup of rice, great. Oh, no cup of rice is sad. A well-cooked rice, whether it's sticky steamed rice or basmati from Zenku, I don't even need any seasoning on it. It's oiled so well. Do you like the Panda Express?

nasty malt Chinese food sometimes I don't know whether to put in my mouth or right up my ass they have it in the pavilions in Hollywood the pavilions the pavilions grocery store has you can get it to go thing there that's a whole operating thing like I'm like like when you leave the grocery store there's a pan express there and I'm gooning

I'm in there. Changes everything. You go to buy food instead of shopping for groceries. You eat the Panda Express and go home. Just orange chicken, white rice, and maybe a little steam, a little dumpling. I may have told you this, but I watched this show and there was these two people talking about the movie Frozen. And one of them goes, do you like the movie Frozen? The other person goes, I love the movie Frozen. I've never seen it. But they were dead serious. Like they love the idea of it.

The fantasy of it, but they've actually never seen it. Isn't that great? That is so weird. Love it. Yeah, just being enthusiastic in general. The positivity. Yeah. I love that. It's the rule of improv. Instead of going, I've never seen it. No. No. Shut the door. You go, yes, I love it. I've never seen it. And it's not the energy of like, yeah, I saw it before you. I've read it. I've read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you lie? How many times have you lied today? Sometimes I say I've seen movies because I don't care to hear that much about it. Sure. But today, how many times have you lied?

I don't, I mean, I'm reading this book by a psychiatrist who says most adults tell maybe one to two to three lies a day. I don't think I have totally lies. Mark came in and said, why did we reschedule Monday? We hung over or something? Yeah. Oh, okay. Great. Sure was. Yeah. When was the last time you lied? I don't know. Maybe it's not that saying I don't lie. I'm saying maybe I lie too regularly that I don't even know. I think, yeah, that was the, yeah. The lies fly out of my mouth faster than. They just fly out, yeah. Yeah. But you know what? They're not.

It's of course self-interested when I lie, but it's usually to like minimize someone else's hurt. Of course. Make a conversation like when's the last time you lied? Oh, three seconds ago, 13 seconds ago, probably 10 seconds before that. No, I mean, I mean, I'm not good at it anymore. I'm not really good at it anymore. You can tell. I mean, if like you're, you'll tell, you can tell.

Well, I remember when we got detained in Australia, I was like, what are we going to do? And you're like, I can't lie. I don't lie. I wish we could have gone back and done that differently. I know this is probably the 15th time we've told this conversation, but I never, I never said this.

I wish I would have just known to tell the truth. Duh. I felt like an adult who was a baby. Yes. Why did I think I was national security? Catch me if you can. Wasting people's time. My time, your time, their time. Everybody's time. Nobody cared. The country of Australia's time. The fans' time. Nobody cared. It was just, we should have said, yes, we're performing. We don't have the right visa. Can we help us get it? Yes. Yeah.

Just upfront. No lie. Who is trying to lie to government officials? We're not drug mules. We're not drug mules. Maria full of grace. Yeah. Maria Bamford full of grace. I guess the one tidbit we could share at this point is that I did have 16 kilos of black tar hidden in my vagina. So I guess the lie made... But not black tar heroin. No, no, no, no. Just black tar. Just tar. You know, pulled... You were planning on doing a driveway when you got to Australia. Exxon. Exxon.

I gotta lay down a driveway in Brizzy. I gotta get this. I gotta pave these drives. Briz Vegas. Briz Vegas. I gotta pave this. Briz Vegas. No, Jailor in B&A flick, a back together in Briz Vegas. Eating brits with sprits. Oh my God, that was so bad and not Australian or New Zealand-ish. I gotta tell you some crazy A-list shit.

Those poor celebrities get photographed. Poor? But they can't go do anything without being photographed. Those A-list people, they can't do anything. One of my friends who's super A-list said that they can't go on a boat with their friends on vacation, let's say, without fishing boats going by.

And trying to catch the same fish that they're catching. The person said, you look at the fishing boat, you see a little glint of glass, and you notice that it's someone pretending to fish while someone with a camera is crouched behind them. Oh, it's like M. Shyamalan at the mountain at the beach on Ola. Yes. Bones sticking out. So speaking of bones sticking out, Princess Diana.

How many times are we going to have to exhume the corpse of this poor woman for entertainment purposes? And every time I played her, I would play her. Not me. Not me. Even I had to get the heavy lifting actresses. Yeah. Kristen Stewart. Kristen Stewart. Me. Naomi Watts. I mean, I'll try to pick us out of lineup. We're all look the same. So it's. Yeah. Why the same in the ground? Why? And the whole thing was, oh, she was just a regular woman. OK, great. Why?

Mary, she's on the crown right now. No more Princess Diana. The most incredible story ever told. Once that family gives up all their gold and feeds the English needy or whatever cures AIDS in Africa, then just let it go. Give up the ghost. Give up the ghost. Of the dead woman. Y'all chased that bitch into the tunnel and killed her. And now we're just going to like, we're monetizing. We're putting in C notes at her corpse.

That being said, if you died, mama, you better milk that for all it's worth. If you don't think I would do some kind of share Sonny just died press tour. Mama, I need you to have multiple hands milking. Mary, multiple hardcover novel out of the darkness. Sidney Prescott, the novel, the miniseries, the teleplay, the adaptation, the rights to the screenplay, the makeup palette, the makeup palette. And then the line of merchandise, grieving where grief, leisure,

Mama, grief leisure. Yes, it'd be like makeup looks for people in veils. Morning veils. You're very in shape, but your friend is always on the fritz. Grief leisure. Yes. You're at the donut store, you're at the donut place getting a morning bun, get a morning veil. A morning bun, a crying bun.

Crying. I would be on the view. And I'd be like, I'm ready to talk about what really happened. That's how I would get an Ellen. Yeah. Once you die, everything's going to open up for me. Yeah. And you'd be like, and it's got to be strategic and you'll know intuitively when to kind of like, you know, you'll have the, there'll be a sixth sense of like,

Like when to actually know. Well, you just have to wait. No, that's what I'm talking about. You have to go into like a three month, no one's seen or heard from her. She's hiding. She's healing. Yes. And you have to do, you have to flip because people are going to assume you're going into these stages of grief and you've got to flip the script every time. Well, no.

Once people find out about me, I need to be in the throes of some kind of mental illness or addiction. Yes. And then it needs to be your misfortune that catapults me into... In obscured... And it was first, it was used as a coping mechanism. Yes. But then it became, you know, whippets every morning with French toast or, you know, or like...

Yes. The dust cleaner. Poppers at the club, gooning at the club. You were writing my elegy on the keyboard. The hillbilly elegy. And then you used the dust off to get the, yeah. Yes. Yeah. First thing. And then when I finally come back, I

I've colored my hair. Yeah. I'm wearing a chunky cable knit sweater. Yeah. Turtleneck. And I'm on a couch drinking tea with Barbara Wawa. And your old teeth back somehow. Vinear's gone. You got them back. Don't ask me why. I'm different now, Barbara. I'm different now. And I recount the whole thing. And I talk about how I can't help but feel like it's my fault. Even though in this scenario, it's not suicide. No, no. It's like... No, hit by a car. Hit by a car. Yeah. And I'm like, I can't believe it's not my fault. And Barbara goes, Wawa thinks it's our fault. And I go...

I should have been there across the intersection saying, okay, now it's safe to go. Where was I? I was at the Petco looking at parakeets again. I would get hit by a car at a broken stoplight from a doctor's appointment that just gave me the cleanest bill of health. Do you know what I mean? Yes. And then Oprah would be like, was she your friend or were you... What did she say? No, but what did she say to Megan and Harry? Were you silent or were you silenced?

Do you remember that one? Yes. That was so good. I'm also ready for you to die and Wendy to catch wind of it. So anyway, what you guys been doing this weekend? I just talked to my mom. She told me I want somebody to get another haircut. Anyway.

Tell me who knows who this is. Yeah, wait. So, you know, RuPaul, right? Everybody loves drag queens. Everybody thinks I'm a drag queen. I wear a wig. I got big breasts. Yeah. You know, she's fun, right? She's fun. She does a split. She smokes cigarettes. We all love her. Love her. She's an icon. She's a legend. She is the moment. Well, she was stabbed in the face in Queens this weekend. Just saying. Just saying.

So sex in the city. She doesn't have more Instagram follows than me. That, that, oh my God. She is. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have the Wendy cinematic universe is something that I recently discovered on YouTube. There's this, there's this person called the Vernonator Vern, I believe Vern has or something. A young boy, I think maybe a recent college graduate who has created a universe so rich that,

So deep that any contemporary artist pales in comparison to the amount of like the rich tapestry of intellectual value that is gleaned from this YouTube channel. Is this the person who did like the clip of Wendy walking out silent? And then it's like someone unlocking their phone. Yeah. And it's Wendy. You can hear her bracelets when she's dancing. It's the whole cinematic universe. And the Avengers are like Guy Fieri, you know,

Wendy. Wendy, of course. And then all the people, the staff on her show. And then who else is on those Avengers? Oh, Meghan McCain. Meghan McCain. It's Mariah Carey. Mariah Carey for sure. Mariah Carey features in heavily. Nick Cannon. She was on The Masked Singer. Remember The Lips?

And there's this whole, I'm telling you, some of these videos, they're short ones called Ave Wendy, of course, to Ave Maria. And I went to his Instagram and the caption was, or the description was silent, but Wendy.

And I almost lost, I had to get up from the chair. I'm telling you that me and Andrew watched every single one of these probably four times in a row and just cracked our shit. - But can I tell you what would happen if I die? - Oh, yes. - Okay, if I die, my dying wish would be that you capitalize on your line of dresses. Next thing you know, you're at Crabtree and Evelyn or something like that and you've got a line of boogie dresses and you're fabulously wealthy and you can't believe-- - I'm Jessica Simpson.

I'm with the shoes. I'm Jessica Simpson. But if she had started selling shoes because someone died and told her to sell them. Yeah. Grief hoppers. Yeah. Or coffin clogs or whatever. Or if I die, you could start like a Kanye church. Oh, that's. Oh, yeah. Whatever's beyond sobriety. That. I want you to start wearing white linen pants. Well, that's a cult. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. White linen pants. Shave the eyebrows. I think. Shave the eyebrows. Nike swishes. Oh, yeah.

What about, what about, um, I call it where the first thing they do is, um, it's like Scientology where they take your money and they force you into veneers. Oh, tithing. What? Dental tithing. So you don't owe me your, your money. I want your teeth. Yeah. And they bind your feet. Bone tithing. Bone tithing. Bone tithing.

Put that wallet away. I want them bones. So I'll be the bone collector once you die. Because what I'm really doing is trying to make an ultra Trixie skeleton and using all the rest of my money to harness the frame. How many 206 bones in the human body, I believe? Something like that. You don't need all of them. No. You're not all doing something. No. I mean, half of my bones don't even know where they are right now. How many bones have you broken in your life? Just the nose. Only the finger.

Isn't that funny? That's horrible, though. No, it was easy on the trampoline, just a backhand spring. It just went like that, and I knew it. And I went, click, and it sounded like that, just a click. Oh, my God. Easy. Bone sticking out. The nose was traumatizing because it is your face. Did it bleed and it hurt? Yeah, it bleeded and it hurted, and it's... It bleeded and it hurted. Did it bleed and it hurt? It's a country song. Yeah. It bleeded and it hurted, and it... It was horrible, but it was a long time ago. Although now my nose is crooked. We've talked about it too many times.

It's okay. We need to stop hanging out. I think we need to become more interesting. We need, um, we need, uh, uh, not a, what is it called? A, um, trial separation or like, uh, um, a restraining order. What's the, uh, I want the more permanent one. Sabbatical. Um, one of us has to die. We just talked about death to one of them. I think one of us needs to fake their death and one of us needs to die for real. Oh my God. Oh,

She just it's happening. It's all happening folks You just fell off your chair you fucking weirdo I felt like it was teetering and then I tried to test it but then you just went for it you yes and did I was I was I was comfortable with the fact that I might fall you're a risk-taker I'm a risk-taker. Are you gonna come to Six Flags on the gay night?

when is it September that's what I sound like when I get invited to I know I literally have a free ticket for you I think we already talked about this what day is it I have a VIP ticket for you Mary what day Friday September 16th or 17th oh god you're gonna be ripped apart by Candyman oh oh god another sex change wow um is it lit though

I mean, I've been there twice. I'm so jealous. I've been there twice and I have to tell you, we just discussed gay events where we have to watch out for being... Listen, I love to be recognized, but it's so dark there that you don't... You only get recognized if you're within like

feet of people. That's how it was at Synespia. We were next to Billie Eilish and no one talked to her. I know. It was so great. So Six Flags is the ultimate lit crunk turn. And I don't care who you are. You do not have to be on Molly or K or G or whatever because those are thrill rides to last a lifetime of memories. I love roller coasters. It's been so long.

There's a Six Flags in Gurney, Illinois called Six Flags Great America. Used to go to that a lot. I love Six Flags. I love feeling like I am going to die. Do you fuck with Disney? No. Do you fuck with Universal? I absolutely do not fuck with Universal. I fucked with her one time. Never again. Oh, right. We talked about this. It's like I went to take a big titted bimbo out on a date and it was just like this. Like it was like Danny DeVito showed up.

I wanted to take out Justin Simpson. He's a bimbo. I felt like I was catfished at Universal. Yeah, it is nice because it's so close, though. Close to what? To our houses. Oh. You can walk to Universal. No, I wouldn't now, though. I'd rather walk to the Dunkin' Donuts and Silver Lakes. Silver Lakes. I ran yesterday to Los Feliz and then back up around the hills through Burbank, almost to PEG.

What? Yes, yesterday. And there's so much horse shit over there. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What? That's like 15 miles. It was 12. But there's so much horse shit over there. Because I guess that's by the Milwaukee Zoo. The Los Angeles Zoo. I guess they're walking the horses and the horses are shitting and no one cleans it up. Oh, so I saw human shit.

I saw a human. For the first time? No, I was the celebrity sighting. Human shit. Cameron Diaz is shit. No, I was like somebody probably between living situations, just shit in the middle of a running path. Yeah. And you know, you smell dog shit, you smell this. It was human. What are you, a CSI veterinarian here? I don't know.

Dog shit smells different. Does it? Yes. And then like animal, like farm shit smells different. Well, cat shit tastes way different. Human shit is human. Yeah. And it's also a size, usually of a shape. Yeah. It's always in a letter. And a taste. B, C, or D. The taste. Yeah, the taste. And when I freeze it and fuck myself with it. I know. In my gut. That happens, you know. Girl. Everybody's into scat.

In LA, people start with kissing is fisting now and scat is second base. And third base is literally, right when I nut, could you hack off my limb? Yeah. While my whole family has been held for ransom for at least six to eight weeks in a Thai prison. Oh, flirting is scarification rituals. Throwing knives. Nives. Gay people are on another level. I just love to kiss and hug.

If I were to prank call, I would be my first name, Amanda, last name, kiss and hug. Not hug and kiss. Kiss and hug. Kiss and hug. From the Philadelphia kiss and hug. Amanda kiss and hug. Yeah. Amanda kiss and hug. Let's take a break. Yeah. I didn't tell you about my diarrhea. We're back. Please tell me about your diarrhea. I almost had diarrhea yesterday twice on my run.

I was... Uda Pipig. You're almost Uda Pipig. So what do you do in that situation? Would you go in the woods? I was doing like the, we're by Griffith Park, the trail. Yeah. And I was like, great. The one day I pick a trail run away from any restaurants or establishments, I'm going to shit my pants. And I'm going to walk down this hill covered in shit and have Brandon come get me. I mean, it could happen. But it didn't happen. But I had to pull over and like, not shitting. You're not going to shit your pants.

It's sort of like the reverse of I think I can. You had to take a moment? Yes. But I didn't shit my pants. That being said. You just willed the feces back into your butt? Or you just settled your intestines? Yes. Well, because I was coming off the hard hangover. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went 12 miles after a hangover? What is wrong with you? The day after a hangover. Jesus Christ. You are a glutton for punishment. LA Marathon, November 14th.

I think 14th. Why? I'm doing it. I got a 10% off deal. Okay. So you have to pay to run 26.2 miles? You're going to hate this. Okay. I signed up for the Milwaukee one, but I can't do it because of that thing. So I signed up for the LA one because I signed up for the Milwaukee one, which was $90 early registration fee, $90. And the LA one I just signed up for, it was like 220 or something. Now, isn't it the case that you have to like...

These are so sought after that you don't often get to do them. Well, some of them you have to qualify by having being super fast. And some of them like they sell out of it like tickets because they can't have a million people showing up to do something like this because there's people who work for the marathons to do things like hand out water, give your give your medal. And they got to go home. You're basically paying for the convenience of running without water. They hand you water and there's a path blocked off. No traffic. No, no red lights. No red lights.

And you get those awesome little aluminum capes at the end. You really are. You really want one of those. I think those are so chic. It has to be cold, though, to get one of those. That's fine.

You know, I just love I just love like a very strange looking thermoregulating. It looks very DIY. You look like the Jiffy Pop in the beginning of Scream. Yes. Or you look like you look like somebody in the future. Something's gone wrong. You know, it's just I don't know. It's fun. I wish I like instead of bath towels or shower like in the shower. You go to the shower and then dry off with a space blanket. Yeah. I think of those as like when I was a Boy Scout, those were in like our emergency preparedness gear.

Now, what are they? It's basically an extremely lightweight way of carrying a blanket. Because the metal keeps the heat in. Gotcha. Gotcha. Oh, you also wear a Jiffy Pop. You're literally Jiffy Pop. Jiffy Pop. You weren't a Boy Scout, were you? Oh, you... No. No. No. I was the opposite of a Boy Scout. That's not a Girl Scout. Oh, my God. Okay. Yesterday, we're at the Grove. Go ahead. Dramatica Oreos are Lady Gaga's Girl Scout cookies. Think about it. Go on.

Absolutely they are. So this girl, I'm talking six years old. Eden was there. She can testify. We're at the Grove, me, Fina, Eden and Ellie, or just the three of us. No Fina yet. This little girl, very little girl, very tiny little girl comes up and says, excuse me.

And I'm horrified because, A, I think immediately she's a fan. And I'm like, how the fuck? How the fuck? I wouldn't be surprised. I wouldn't be surprised. But she was six years old and extremely put together and eerily personable for someone of this age. And she said, excuse me, would you be interested in purchasing an eraser? I'm doing a fundraiser for my dance class. Did you buy one?

No, I said, you get the fuck out. No, I was so... I said I didn't have any cash, which was a lot. You said, go down to the Lucky Horseshoe. They'll teach you how to pole dance for free. No, but we are having dinner. Would you like to come to the Cheesecake Factory? It was... There was no... Her guardian or parent was nowhere in sight. It was... She was so small and so...

children of the corny articulate impersonable that it was so eerie. It was beyond eerie. It was creepy. Like village of the damned. Terrifying actually. It was terrifying. It felt like the next thing would be like, oh, well I have this machete that I could just whip all of your, you know, I mean it was crazy. You want to buy an eraser? You should say, I don't make mistakes you little bitch. I don't use pencils you fucking cunt. Get the fuck out of here. I have an iPad. Kill yourself.

I just it was so weird and I felt it was like I was like relieved that that she wasn't a fan but then this horrible I would have given her money I only had a 20 and that fucking little cunt that wasn't worth 20 yeah she could be dancing for Jesus for all I know this is I want to say alert this is not pedo behavior

But what I learned from watching women's tennis is a lot of these amazing tennis players start at four or five years old. Yes, many athletes do. We know that pole dancing is extremely athletic.

You want to get these girls on party on the pole, like right out the coochie? No, but like, I guess you could be a gymnast as a kid. And then if you like at 18 started pole dancing, you could be the most sickening athletic pole dancer. Cause I was gonna be a pole dancer. I would want to be like the Serena Williams of pole dancing. Right. Yeah. I would want to be like, like you can't take it. But the only way to do that would be to have some kind of body that trained through adolescence.

I don't honestly, as long as you're wearing appropriate children's wear, you could still put those lucite heels on. I'll say why you can't like hit the pole at six, seven years old, as long as it's tasteful. How do you feel about children playing with like fake high heels, makeup kits?

I'm fine with it as long as they take it as long as there's no disconnect they have to have access to a lighter to cigarettes to some cocktail do you know what I mean it has to make sense as long as it goes full the orphan well right I mean you're not gonna you can't let a child play with grown up stuff if you're not gonna let them do grown up activities so I we should do a shot for shot remake of the orphan where you are the little girl and everyone in the movie thinks that you're the little girl yeah the orphan

Have we talked about this? I've dreamed about it. I hate us. I know. I think we've probably talked about it maybe 14 times. I think we have too. Yeah. I'm going to tell you a story right now that I've never told you before in my life. Give me a moment. Who would play her? I'm going to try to ask you a question that I don't know the answer to. All right. How many siblings do you have? Half or otherwise? And I'm going to say... You know. I'm going to say...

Three? Yeah. Okay. How many do you have? I'm going to say two. Yes. All right. That's it. We know each other. Twelve years into knowing each other, we know one fact about each other's family. And I know that- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, yes. Red velvet curtains, mama. Okay.

I know that your name is Brian Michael Furcus and that you were born on August 23rd, 1989 in Wisconsin somewhere. Brian Michael, Brian Joseph McCook. Yes. Yeah. You never, she never remembers my birthday or her boyfriend's birthday. Who would play her? Is it May? You're a Taurus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is it April? It's May. It's May. Yeah. Is it the 13th? Very close. Just take off the three. Is it the first? Yeah. Yeah.

Full five second time elapsed for me to understand what that meant. It's not that we even, I think people don't understand. It's not that we... Also birthdays, Facebook. I don't, I'm not on Facebook, so I don't know anybody's birthdays. Is it sad that we have to get paid to hang out this much to cultivate one of the only genuine friendships in my life? We have to be paid like a 401k. Is it sad that I had to Google your birthday before I wished you happy birthday? No.

I feel so much better because I never know your birthday. I had to Google it because I, I, before I posted it, I was like, Oh, these children, if I get it wrong, I will never hear the end of it. Do you know what I mean? Cause I did like happy international women's day, like two days late once and I'll never forget it. You know? So did I tell you, I went to the CVS to get a prescription filled on my birthday and the girl goes, Oh, happy birthday. And I was like, how did you know that? She's like, it's on your ID. But I thought I was getting clocked at the gate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Did I tell you about the woman at the Versace store? No. Oh, bitch. I want to tell you this. No, I don't think so. I went and bought myself this really cute little Versace bag. So you have been popping off. You have fully settled into it. It's Lisa Vanderpump, isn't it? She has turned you. It's Lisa Vanderpump. Yeah, you're driving. We don't know that she has a Rolls Royce waiting for her outside. Well, two part story. I went to Lisa Vanderpump's for my birthday. She invited me over. Yeah.

Champagne and caviar. On her hill by her pool, she set a beautiful pink setting of a table, cooked dinner for me. She did? Yes. Or the help? No, Lisa. Lisa and Ken and me and David set out and had dinner for four for my birthday. She brought out a cake with candles on it with my name on it and sang to me and then gave me a gift.

It was like so fancy and luxe, I almost cried. - Oh my God. - And I was like, "Your food is so good." I was like, "This noodle dish, it tastes like really good hamburger helper." And she was like, "What's that?" I was like, "Oh, it's kind of like a working class food, but I think it's like in a box and you add meat." And she was like, "What's working?" She was like, "You think my dinner tastes like hamburger helper?" And I was like, "But like good, like good hamburger helper." - Didn't you say your favorite movie is Peter Rabbit? - Yes.

And I was telling her about seeing Scream and she was like, I couldn't have done that. And I was like, sorry, it's not Peter Rabbit. She's like, I saw the second Peter Rabbit and it wasn't as good. The rabbits were good though. Like they're actors. Like the rabbits are actors. She is so funny. Wow. Two part story. I went to the Versace store because I wanted to buy me something nice for my birthday. And I get this great purse. Pink, beautiful. I'll show you a picture. It's stunning. And, um,

Then I so apparently these rich stores if you don't want to carry things around the mall they courier it to your house So I got this pink robe this Versace breath bathrobe and then I got this handbag and I go I don't wanna walk around the mall with this. Can we get this like delivered? No, like yeah, just write down your address and stuff right here. Yeah

The next day, I think Maria from the Versace store goes, by the way, I noticed your boyfriend David was eyeing this robe. We have it in his size. I was like, how did you know his name was David? Diabolical. And then she goes, and we're going to have your package sent out today. Happy birthday, by the way. And I go,

I was, Drew Barrymore would scream. Yeah, we took the liberty of clipping that gangrenous toe off and somebody from Cedars-Sinai is going to be down to stitch it up for you. And on your way out, we took a quick pinprick and got your blood type. Did you know that you had lymphoma? Well, so then I go, how did you know? It was my birthday. And she goes, it was on the internet.

Yeah. I was like, oh. Mary, the amount of care and attention that I've received from shopping at the Prada store in Chicago one time is more affection and care than I've got from my parents in my whole life. It's crazy. But that's what my friend Jesse said. He's like, he comes, he's very, like his family, they live in billions. You know what I mean? He's not a Vanderpump. He's a Vanderbilt. Exactly. And so he explained to me very succinctly one day, he's like, oh, this, it's like the food is great, but

It's the service. At that tier of luxury, it's the service you're paying for. These people are going to give you three gallons of their O negative blood if you need it. To drink. With your shoes. Yeah. With your Starbucks. They will do any... It's all about the service. Because the shoes are great, but... Can I get that bag in red? Yeah. And can I have him killed? Yeah. I think...

The handle. I don't know. The bamboo. Maybe just his arm. Maybe his arm. Can I get his radius whittled down? Yeah. Well, they will do that. Because, I mean, look at you go to fucking any designer. Yeah, it's leather, whatever. It's great. But it's all the wrapping, the care, the sucking of the ass, the like the coddling, the commision. I mean, they're like, it's crazy. I'll say this. Being able to go to a store, shop for things in person and not have to walk out and carry anything was lit. Yeah.

Yeah. It showed up at my door the next day. I've never heard of that. That's crazy. I wouldn't trust them. It was nice. That's crazy. Did they come in a nice outfit? Or did they send a courier? They sent a courier. A person in a suit. Were they dressed like Donatello Versace? That would be incredible. She's like, we're so happy that you bought this gift. You should do her for Halloween. I know I wouldn't take much. Oh, no. Oh, that's what I will. I will do her. And I'm going to go as Gaga in the...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is just an Olive Garden commercial. I refuse to believe that's a movie. That's an Olive Garden commercial. Well, it'll be, you know. Yeah. People will love it. She'll do a six month tour. She'll do 101 people in a room. There could be 100 breadsticks in the room and only one's got marinara. There could be 100 bowls of soup. And only 99 have Ma's gravy drizzled all over them. Yeah, but all it takes is that one breadstick.

There could be 10 gabagools. What is gabagool? It's like a fajool. Have you ever gone to Rayos in Hollywood for dinner? No. Bitch. Go to Rayos in Hollywood. It is a film. They got Maz Gravy. It's a television show called The Sopranos. They got Maz Gravy there though. I don't know what that is. They got fajool. I don't know what that is. It's an Italian restaurant and like the door guy is like

You know his name is Big Pussy. You know his name is Big Pussy. He's like, ah, what you got on Friday? Right on the weekend. You got plans? It's like that. And I'm like, I don't know if you work here, if you're hired for ambiance. Like, are you a day player here? Are you an actor? Yeah. Are you a Star Trek day player? I love that. What is it called? Raos. R-A-O apostrophe S. R.

I'm sure that's the American. I'm sure it's like Rouse or something. Okay. It's really good. They sell the marinara in the grocery store. Mas gravy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, on that note. Well, hunting's dangerous. Yeah. Hey, catch this in your mouth. I give you a prize. Catch this in your mouth. I give you a prize. Oh, you're cute.

Bye.