Coitus With a Waffle with Trixie and Katya
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I would like to talk about Madeline Ashton. We haven't done a normal episode in a while. We surely have not. Because you had Bianca. And then I had Dulce. Dulce, yeah. And now it's just the girls. That's the girls. I'm sorry. I'm not wearing my onesie, my Meghan Trainor onesie. I know that was a riveting fashion moment. I don't like to talk about celebrities. I would never do that. No, no, no.

I can't fucking believe that anybody would have the fucking nerve to go judge drag queens in pajamas. You know, I can't believe. Yeah. If RuPaul's not doing it, I don't think you should do it. If RuPaul says it's casual Friday and the runway theme is pajamas, even then as a judge, like if it was pajama themed runway, then.

And Michelle wanted to participate. She would do like a chic fitted, like pajama-esque glam. It would be silk satin, satin sheets are very romantic. With jewelry and a heel. It would be the slinky, nasty, whore boudoir. Megan said, am I a onesie fan? But not even really a onesie fan. It was more like a unicorn. You know what it reminded me of? Am I a onesie fan? Pull up in the Old Navy. Pull up in the unicorn onesie? Girl, in the unicorn onesie too? Oh.

I know. You know what it gave? It gave Jimmy Fund. Not Jimmy Fund. Who's Jimmy Fund? Jimmy Fund is like the cancer thing where like it gave like it gave like palliative youngster. Do you know what I'm saying? Like Gypsy. But Gypsy Rose Blanchard

Turns the party And that D is fire Even Gypsy was like We're going to the AMC Give me the wig Like even Gypsy knew When to turn a look And she has the little Oxygen tank sometimes I feel like that's like A cool accessory I don't know It was very perturbing And it was not very It did not bode well For Miss Trainor

And it's not going to age well. Don't you want to look back on judging? If you're asked to be the guest judge on a competition series, it's such an honor. It really is. You get paid to give your opinions. And also... By the way, you are not an expert at drag. And you're getting asked to be an expert at drag for fun. You know what I mean? You're just getting asked to be an observer, a fun, engaged observer. Right. You don't even really have to be expertise...

What if on Queen of the Universe, Vanessa Williams was like, give me the fleece onesie. Or what if she showed up in like a Paul Revere outfit? That would be as incongruous, I feel like. That would be just as a head scratcher. Yeah. It's just bizarre. So, and then Meghan Trainor, of course, famously went on to do like a pandering mother tune. Like, I'm not your mother or I am your mother. And I'm like, what are you doing? What are you talking about? What did you just say? Sydney. My mother.

I am your mother. Oh, I'm not your mother. No, I am your mother. You listen to me. You listen to me. All of her music is like haunted gay radio. Haunted gay radio from 1997. Like that Mickey Mouse property, the Steamboat Mickey. That's the background track. It's like, I could buy my Gucci. But you know what though? I can't dog on Meghan McTrainer music. Meghan McTrainer. McTrainer. The manager of managerial logistics at McTrainer. The manager of managerial logistics at Meghan McTrainer. I love...

I used to be big fat What is it? Lips are moving What is it? You're lying I love that song She does write some really beautiful music I don't doubt it And I do like as a drag queen Me too If I was you I'd want to be me too It's such a good drag song

I'm not familiar with that one. Who's that sexy thing? Blah, blah, blah. Yes, you do. I thank God every day. Oh.

That's a good drag song. She's bopping in the background. No, I don't doubt. I agree. I saw it. I agree. That song was debuted to me at a drag show and the queen came out and started doing it. I went, oh, it's a great song for drag. Who is this? And I was like, it's Megan McTrainor. But it could have been Catherine Perry. I wish it was Catherine Perry. Catherine Perry, Megan McTrainor. Megan McTrainor. Well, the manager. Ariana Grande. Conde Nast. Yeah.

Ariana and La Grande Delicto. Meghan Trainor, let's move on. Yeah. Because you don't even like Katy Perry. Catherine Perry. Yeah, Catherine McPerry. Yeah, Catherine McPerry. I think as women age up in pop stardom, they should become like...

You know, like... Eleanor? Mariah McCary. Mariah McCary, yeah. Britney McSpears. That's sort of... Or Britney Von Spears. Britney Von Spears. Christina... Aguilertucci? Los Aguileras. Los Aguilertas. It sort of should evolve. Or Christina Aguilerta Von Trapp. And that way it's like a woman never shares her age, but then you look up her full name and the longer it is, you're like, damn, bitch, she's the Crypt Keeper. Although, culturally...

Some cultures have super long names at any age. Gabriel has a super long name. Gabriel has a super long name. Is Gabriel Garcia Consuela Conchita? No. No. No. Now, what about high schools that are teaching fucking Latin? Love. Love. Why?

Why, Mary? Unless you're going to be a doctor. Well, yes. Good point. But I hadn't thought of that. SATs. SAT baby. Is it like, I guess if you know Latin really well, it'll help you know a word you've never seen. Absolutely. Like, okay. Arachio means arm. So it must be. Look at you. Look at that. Look at you just did. Well. Thanks to Latin. I watch a lot of TikToks. Well, you know a lot of Latin. And you know, recently I'm trying to sound more smart. And so in addition to knowing Latin...

I will be speaking with my eyes closed. Just like, just like, just. Hi, how are you? And I just, I don't want to be like, I don't want to make it a thing. But when you said good morning to me, it just kind of felt. You know what you got to do? You got to correct people's, you got to, if people are looking for the etymology of a word, you got to provide the Latin, but with your eyes closed. Yeah. Like, like I have to close my eyes to see the Rolodex and then spit out the word. Yeah.

I, there's this great clip of Nini Leakes where she has her eyes closed and the whole table is talking about her money or something. And she was like, let me get it right together, bitch. Everything in my house is brand new with the tags on it named brand bitch. And she has her eyes closed. Cause she's visualizing her home. All of it. All of it. And the way she delivered. Yes. She's reading it. Like I can visualize my living room. So fuck all of you. Yeah. I got the sofa. It's Katie corner to the, uh, the Ottoman and the Ottoman is plush. It's a sense memory exercise. I love that.

I do love the strange, passive-aggressive, bizarre, non-confrontational confrontation of closed eyes in your face. It's strange. It's very strange. And it's learned. It has to be learned. We don't come out with our eyes closed speaking to people. I think we do. I think it's very innate. No, I mean, I've never even heard this until you brought it to my attention like three days ago. Like, what is that?

And usually the eyes closed come from, I don't know what, I guess, I guess, um, let's say, let's say I forgot your name. I'd be like, Oh my God. Uh, Oh Brian. But you're searching over here. That's part of the searching I think. Okay. But closing your eyes to seem smart is almost the connotation of like, like, like it's smug. It is smug, but it's like also like, um, so you're ugly. Exactly. Exactly.

Tell us what exactly you do. Oh, I love that. I love the, um, so if you can help me,

What do you do? Oh my God. It's sort of punty. Yeah. Go to the customer service desk. Eyes closed. Karen out. Yeah. What do you mean? That's the price. I thought it was called best buy. Yeah. Not second best buy. No, I don't have my receipt. And yes, I'm in the wrong store, but I'd like cash and I want it yesterday. Thank you. What I don't understand is that you have the same ingredients as Burger King, but you can't make a Whopper. That's it.

And then as soon as you open the eyes, plucked, snatching out the eyeballs. Or the person's gone. You should go on your rant so long with your eyes closed that when you open, they've left. The shift, they clocked out. A whole new world. A whole new world. While your eyes were closed, they put you on a dolly.

Put you in jail. And then when you open your eyes, you're like, you're on a shipping container bound for Greece. Thank God. Thank God. I talked to a certain, well, I'll tell you later. I told a certain agent of ours about the stories we tell when they call us with an offer. And we're like, here's the thing. You are going to be, you know, driving oil trucks in the Sudan. Yeah.

But the thing we got to think about here is it's not about the dollars and cents. It's more about the, it's not so much the exposure either because you will be exposed nude to the elements, of course, all night long. But here's the thing. Are you going to be neutered on public television? Probably. Yeah. But here's the thing. Yeah. Are people going to like it?

Not really. Is the pay great? No. Is it going to be fun? No. It's not really that type of gig. You know, networking, it's a remote thing. You got to think of the long game. And by long, you know, you got to think of like the long after you're dead. Will you have regretted this? Sure. But you'll be dead. And think of it this way. You're flying Alaska. There was just an accident. So the flight's going to be super safe. And you need to tell the folks at home about the pedo door thing.

I told Dalton about it. Oh, you did? Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. Well, can you tell me about it again? I just think it's funny that everybody on that plane, the air pressure in the plane was like nine years old. Tapless. Like, hello. I'm grooming. Boeings are grooming. Boeing. Boeing. And that kid, I'm sure had fucking nipple tassels on.

A full crossy. A crossy on. A crossy. Ooh, the crossy. The crossing over with John Edwards. The crossy jumped out. I just think it's funny. When my son's shirt flew off, he had on a two-piece bathing. You're taking it to another level because you're doing eyes up. White slits. That's fierce. That's fierce. That's fierce. That is really fierce. Is that better? That's way better. Yeah, that's cunty. The thing about possession.

I love that. Do you think that I, do you, I really think that you and I could find ghosts. Let's take a break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. And we're back. I just think like the people who are ghost hunting are not more qualified than us. There's no education. Well, there's an associate's degree. No, I'm pretty sure there's a degree. The thing is, I know a little bit more about ghost than you do. It's always someone who their backstory is.

One time when they were a kid, they had a closet door that swung shut on its own. Hello. And that what? That makes you the fucking, the couple from The Conjuring. Yes. What are their names? Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga. Love Vera. Yeah. Miss Vera? Miss Vera Farmiga. Miss Vera and her daughter, the other. Thaisa? Thaisa. Thaisa. Great names. Love her. Love her. I can't believe I've been chewing this so rudely. I'm so sorry. Is it Nicorette?

No. Do people still do that? I don't know why. Nicotine gum. Wouldn't you just want a patch? Cigarette flavored gum? Controversial opinion. Just don't smoke. Just don't smoke. Just do the vape. Do the vape. If it's the nicotine, you're really jonesing up. I mean, it's just my opinion. That's just my opinion. The thing is, I once went several weeks without smoking, so I think I would know a little bit more than you. I think you do. In fact, I think you know more than I do. Are you smoking again?

I am. Oh, yeah. Do you want to talk about it or no? Sure. Yeah. So I quit for nine months. Which is a lifetime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. Your body probably liked that. I think it did. Yeah. And here's the thing about, I'm not a quitter. You know me. Yeah.

This is the only area where you're not a quitter. Well, I got to stay consistent somehow. My percentages, they're all over the place. Punch the clock. It's time to work. Thank you. Hallelujah. Smoking that cig like hallelujah. Lighten it up like, yeah, wait. Lighten up like Nancy Drew. Smoking that cig like hallelujah. No, I, cause you were out, you were going outside in the winter at our shows and I thought, I know she's not going out there for the environment. I thought she must be smoking. Yeah. No, that was not very pleasurable. I got to say.

Not very pleasurable. I did not have half a cigarette. Pittsburgh was cold. Oh my God. It was minus 10 with the wind chill. Yeah. Philly was much more tolerable the day before. Yeah. But it was still quite chilly. Pittsburgh was cold. Pittsburgh was the fruits of the devil. Yeah. It was, it was rock. Philly. I was walking around like, I don't know why people complain about the cold. I kind of miss it. I like the cold air on my face. Pittsburgh the next day, the wind. Oh yeah. I was like, it was horrible. It was horrible.

But of course, fun fact, because I went out to smoke, and listen, you can call me a smoker. You can call me not a smoker. I don't care. It doesn't really concern me. It doesn't really matter. But I will quit again. But I was smoking outside, and that's where I found the Bo-Bird guy. Oh, tell the story. I mean, I was outside smoking, and then I was chit-chatting. This group of gays walked by, and they're like, I bet she's not out here. She doesn't smoke anymore.

And they were talking about me with mid cigarette in my mouth. It was almost like a movie. It was, it was like very surreal. And I was like, uh, and they looked at me, they're like, oh shit. And then two other people walked by and they're like, Hey, I love you. I love you. I was like, yeah, yeah, great. And, um, and I was like coming to the show. It's like, no. And, um, and they were like, uh, Hey, you know what though? I was in the theatrical production of Beetlejuice when Lauren Boebert got jerked off, fondled and was heckling. I was like, I, this is,

this cannot be true. The heckling is the real, that's the real issue I have. Vaping, heckling, heckling.

So unruly, so rude. I mean, the titties fondled, yes. The pussy jerked off, yes. Sure. It's a theater. The blow jobs, the hand jobs, the fisting, the Chinese aphrodisiac. The Sibian. The Sibian. Straddling the Sibian hooked up to a car battery. Hello. Blowing out all the lights, you know, the power going out on one side of the theater. The power strip with a surge protection with a Hitachi the size of a Prius. Yeah, the smoke coming up from the outlets. That's fine. Totally. The nipple clamps. Yeah, the nipple clamps, the hardwired, the e-stim. Yeah, okay.

definitely the chatterbait, the chatterbait of live feed. Yeah.

But the heckling is a bridge too far. I just can't do that. I don't like that. Even if the show is patently bad, you sit and you respect the program. Or you get the fuck out of there quietly. You and I will leave things that aren't... If a movie is a 9 out of 10, I'm ready to leave. Mama, if it's a 12 out of 10, I want to leave. I know. It's truly puzzling. Well, I guess that's just the mystery of being a...

Congresswoman. Being a performer. I one time was in P-Town. This is like 2016. And I don't think I ever even told you this, but I was in a situation where I heard someone talking about me like two feet away. Bad? It wasn't at the time. It wasn't bad. But at the time I did take it a little personal. Okay. At full disclosure, at the time, this is like 2016. My first summer in P-Town 2017. They said,

They were leaving my show or they didn't see my show that night. Oh no. And they were like, she was actually really good. And I was like, oh yeah. And they were like, I don't think she's going to be very good without Katya. Which was, so it was like a compliment, but a compliment that they would have never said in my face, of course. And I guess the story of that is they left, they came in there not expecting it to be good. But that's a good thing. So that's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was walking behind them and I should have tapped him on the shoulder and said, is that what you think? Is that what you think, little faggot on vacation?

Are you guys going to go to the beach tomorrow and get some seashells? I have heard some secondhand commentary about me that I just, it's never fun. Sometimes at theaters, people don't know at theaters, sometimes the exit doorway hallway is sometimes adjacent to the backstage. And sometimes when people are leaving and walking loudly discussing what they just saw, I remember one show, the band was all behind a door.

Let their ears. And I was, they're still in their show outfits. And I was like, what do you guys do it? They're like, shh, they're talking about the show. And I was like, I don't want to hear it. No, I don't want to be a part of it. No, no, no, ma'am. No, it's, it's not, you know, the peanut galleries, the peanut gallery. You got it. You got it. Cause whatever they're going to say about the show, I have to do the show tomorrow. It's also, it's done. It's done. What happened happened. What happened happened. And if, if you're really like jonesing for some constructive criticism, you can ask a colleague. If I'm pressed up against a door and I hear she really can't sing. Yeah. I have about 24 hours before curtain again. Yeah.

I'm going to call Celine You could but she wouldn't answer I really wouldn't call Celine at this point in time You know what I mean because yeah what are you going to do There's like well she was super fat She couldn't sing I didn't laugh very ugly Too much money So what are you going to do with that Go back on stage the next day and do the same show In the same outfits What if they're like I hated all the clothes I'm like well Oh man have you ever read Do you read reviews of your shows

No, I'm not important enough to get reviewed. No, no, no. I'm not talking about like the New York times, like theater section, but I'm like, Oh, I have YouTube, Reddit, Twitter, things of that nature. When I did Austin city limits, I remember, um,

reading a review that said that it was the, they called my show the sleeper hit, which is also backhanded. Cause it's like, uh, we didn't think it was going to be anything. And then people was a floater. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, actually, what does sleeper hit mean exactly? Like it meant like there was a lot of people there to see me and they, and they liked it, but, uh,

I remember at that gig, I was in a tent that was not made for how many people? So it was an outdoor music show, 98 Degrees and Drive. Oh, love. Hour and a half show. And it was a tent for maybe 1,000, and there were so many more people. And those tents are usually built for sound just in the tent. So I also felt bad because anybody outside the tent would probably barely hear me. Anyway, and then one time I did a comedy festival, and I saw a bad review. Yeah.

And what did that look like? You don't have to say it, but was it like a... I don't even want to say the headline because I remember it and it was cutting. But I don't want to say it because I don't want people to search for it. Of course not, yeah. I worked so hard to discover it from the internet myself. But also with drag, it's not that I don't care about it being good. I'm always like, what did you expect? Also, like... I came to see the man dressed as a woman up close with a karaoke machine and a Red Bull. I know.

Janet Maslin from the New York Times is plucked. This is the renaissance bald. Renaissance balls. Like it's not, it's not, I guess luckily for drag shows, I think you and I present ourselves pretty truthfully. And what they see online is what they get in person. I think that there's no grand shock. We're not, we don't have something blurring our hairlines. We don't have,

Yeah. Editing of completely new jokes. Like who we are is who we are. I mean, but that clip of Lana Del Rey being scooped up in the sheet, the white sheet at that folk festival. Do you see that one? Of course. Now that's something. Yeah. That's something I would love to review, you know, cause that's very, I feel like that energy is, is, is kind of like, Oh, that's kind of a curve ball. She's fun. She's fun.

She is fun. She's fun. And also, let me tell you something about Miss Del Rey as of late. For the Skims campaign. Did you live? I lived. She looks great. She looks fabulous. I mean, her face, her beauty, her facial beauty has never been something that anyone has divided on. She's a quite beautiful woman. She's always been beautiful. Yeah. Always, always, always. And her sister. Totally. And I think that, you know, I wouldn't be so crass or crude or vulgar to, you know, to...

make any assumptions about any work that she's may or may not have done, but she looks healthy. She looks fabulous. She looks gorgeous. And it looks like she's having some, thank God. Yeah. Did you know that there's a tunnel, a tunnel under ocean Boulevard with a sale for skins? I love that song. Do you know? Fuck me to death. Love me until I love myself. That shit makes me cry. It's fierce. That shit makes me cry. Did you read the Ann Powers thing yet? No, I didn't. Oh,

You gotta understand that it doesn't seem like a fun read.

You are going to love it. A Lana Del Rey deep dive? An NPR themed Lana Del Rey deep dive? Oh mama, but this music critic, she's like the best of the best. Okay, I'll read it. You will love it. Trust me, you will not regret it. You will love it. I wouldn't send you crap like that. Well, I'm currently reading Stephen King's The Long Walk. Okay. I have never read it, didn't know anything about it. David handed it to me and said, you should read this. Is this one of the new news? No, I think it's old because it's when he was writing under the name Stephen. Hawking? He had a fake name. Oh.

Do you have a fake name? Stephen Hawking. It was like Sidney Applebaum or some shit. Sidney Applebaum? It's like a fake made up name. My name is Sidney Applebaum and here's my short story. It's about, I think it predates the Hunger Games. It's Hunger Games adjacent where it's about annually a bunch of teenage boys sign up for the long walk, which is where hundreds of men walk until they die. And the winner is like rich beyond their wildest dreams.

It's kind of like the AIDS walk. And they walk across America and people are like clapping like a parade. And if they slow down at all, they get shot. Oh, fierce. So people start getting shot. And it's just a slow read waiting for people to get shot. But I read it in the bathtub. Have you read The Running Man? You might love that. I feel like you might love that. Is it about running? It's like the same scenario pretty much except – Well, I'm off the running, girl. I have runner's knee.

The internet says it can take six weeks to heal. I'm on day three. I agree. Listen, you got to just, you got to pivot. You got to do it nice and long. And did you know about this album? I do. How about the job? This is as straight as it gets. You're fucking kidding me. I'm not. This is as straight as it gets. Who can we call? What's going to happen? Well, it's going to be, it's going to be exacerbated tendonitis that is going to go into the ligaments. And then of course we're going to have to go to an x-ray.

I went to Koreatown. You did? I went to Koreatown for an x-ray. For the imaging place? Yes. Have you been there? Oh, baby. Are you talking about? Oh, yeah. Shit-ass imaging right over there in Koreatown. Are you talking about Saw? You want to talk Saw? You want to talk person? You want to talk person? Oh, I don't know. Do you want to talk about waiting two hours for a fucking image? Oh, I waited 15 minutes. Oh, well. Must be nice. Huge celebrity. It was actually not a bad experience. What was the place called?

Some kind of imaging center. I don't know. They were nice to me other than they were like, do you have a prescription? I thought to myself, do you think I'm here to get an x-ray for fun? Do you think this is a walk-in special, like a bang trim? Well, don't go to RadNet, I'll tell you that. Beverly Hills, baby. You'll get your x-ray in like three to six, nine months.

Three to six, nine months from now. Yeah. You're already on their deathbed. They're like, we got the, it was cancer. So we got the images. I know he passed, but so what's going on? So what's going on? What's the prognosis? So this is a normal arm. Love. This is my other arm. Busted. This is straight as it goes. Old maiden type elbow. I think, well, I went to get an x-ray and they said it looks all normal. They said I might've pulled a tendon with like a backpack or suitcase at the airport. Tennis elbow? Yeah, I guess. Do you jerk off with that hand? Yeah, I don't jerk off that much. Okay. Okay.

So they said it's fine. I have to go to a physical therapist to learn how to open up this thing. Just snap it? Well, both my knees and this and the TMJ. Liver failure. It's got to be liver failure. I haven't been trying to have sex recently, but I don't even think I could suck dick.

Because my mouth can't open. Well, you don't have to do the sucky dicky. You could have the thing up the bum bum. We have to have teeth removed? Yes. So we're going to have to get the elbow transplanted, the teeth removed, the knees knocked out, paraplegic. It's okay. And you'll just live a whole new life.

Well, I went back to the dentist today because Dr. Sun's been making me... This health trauma is almost too much. Are you on the verge of a nervous breakdown? Well, I thought two knee joints, an elbow joint, and a jaw joint. I obviously have liver failure. Obviously. Something's wrong. Or AIDS. Not AIDS, but yeah. So I've been going to all my little doctors and the knees, the pain of the knees, I hate that. I know. And you know, I run two or three miles every day.

Okay. So it's weird that it started hurting because it's never hurt before. I've been running for four years. But so, but if you think about just the cumulative strain and stress of on the joints, you know what I think it was liver failure. I haven't been doing endurance runs. I run a few miles a day, but I haven't been running six, eight, 10, 12 miles. When I was home in Milwaukee, I did like a six and a half or okay. Which is pretty long for me right now. Oh, anywhere that I practice. And I think my body's like, well, can I breathe bitch? Let me eat my food.

But the thing is, I'm so psychologically dependent on running that for a few days of no running, I'm like climbing the walls. But you can, I mean, Mary, you, you more than anybody, I'm telling you guaranteed you will be able to transfer this, this physical thing for another physical thing like that. You think? Cause I can't use my arms. I thought I'm going to lift weights. This hurts. You're going to do, um, like Pilates that,

that mat stuff, like it, it can be very satisfying. It's very, um, it's very fun. It's like fine techniques. So it keeps you interested. And it's also extremely good for your, like everything. You think I could call Brock and be like, I can't use either of these knees or this elbow or this dog. Can we work out? Abso-fucking-lutely you could. Then went to the dentist today and they use this device to measure how much your mouth is opening. And it opens two millimeters more than last week. Cause that's something. That's a win. Let's celebrate that. I started sleeping with a dental splint.

I sleep with a large acrylic tray in my mouth so that my mouth can't close more than this while I'm sleeping. That's kind of funky. What does it look like? It looks like I have big hot glue on my teeth. It's like a cloudy white. Like a mouth guard? Yeah. Oh, that's cunty, girl. Because I'm thinking about getting braces again. But I'm just over it. The dentist was like, you do too much. Yeah, you do too much. And I was like, well, now what?

Well, what about a hobby that's a little bit less joint straining and maybe more like joint smoking? Well, can I tell you what happened to me? I'm just going to say where I was now that I'm out of the state. Okay. I was in Pennsylvania. What did you call it before, Mark? Pencil, Pennsylvania. He said Pennsylvania. I said, Pennsylvania, the pencil. He was like, how was Pennsylvania? I said, what kind of stationary life do you think I live?

I love to draw. Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania. When I got marijuana. Yeah. It was illegal. Yes. And they brought me gummies and I said, great. 150 milligrams. Each gummy was 100.

And they brought me 12. So I said, who are you? I said, I'm here for two days. What do you think? What do you think? Are you trying to like... The first night, I took a little like maybe a third of it. I thought, 30 is a little high. But all I'm doing is going to bed. I thought, all I'm doing is going to bed. Worst case, turn up, I'll sleep. I'm in a hotel room. I'm with my girls. I'm with my girl. So then the second night, I think I got confident. I think I got cocky, confident, fierce, sickening, and boots. Boots. So boots number seven. So I take...

I kind of forget that it's not candy a little bit. Oh, no. And it's 100. So I eat about half of it. Oh, that's a lot. It's a little hot. That's a lot. That's a lot. And then when it starts to hit, I kind of am underestimating it. So I go, you know what? I have this joint too. I'm going to smoke this joint. So I just want to say, hey. So I go outside. It's cold, right? It's like two little drags. Just one drag. Yeah, totally. And.

I just feel vulnerable telling you about, you know, drug use and some of the unexpected effects. I've never, it's news to me. I'm just so curious. So I get up to my hotel room and I'm like, I'm like, let's go girls. Girl, I have my headphones in. I'm dancing.

Dancing in the room? I was dancing. That's great. I was dancing to this amazing remix by Cesar Castilla. He does this amazing remix of Funky Town that I have to show you. Please do it. So you got to imagine you're kind of high on marijuana and you and I are supposed to leave in the morning. I'm in the hotel room like...

Right? And then, but then it starts to... She's winding it back. It's that thing where you lift up a plate and you start walking as a server to the table and you underestimate how hot it was. So then you start walking faster because your fingerprints are burning off. While I'm, I start to audibly say to myself, you're fine. Which is such a good sign. You start telling yourself you're fine. I'm like, you're fine. Hot plate.

No, no, no. It got, it's a metaphor. I wasn't working at a restaurant. I was like, when did she become a waitress? She really is busy. Oh, I see what you mean. I'm at the IHOP trying to get someone their chocolate chip pancakes. Oh, I hate chocolate chip pancakes. I don't like them either. I don't like chocolate chip fucking pancakes. What's your dream breakfast, hon? I'd rather have plain pancakes. What's your dream breakfast? A dream breakfast. Two eggs, scrambled. Me too. Vegetarian bacon. He's a white toast with butter. Mary. And then I love,

Like a blueberry Eggo waffle. Honey, we could be eating breakfast. Blueberry Eggo waffles. If you as an adult have not had an Eggo waffle in a while, sit down, put your whole fucking fat cock in there. Yeah. Swirl it around in the syrup. Stick the toaster up your fucking ass. Slide those Eggos in there. Press the button and then wait. Yeah.

And, you know, David's mom visited for Christmas and I said, what do you want for breakfast? And she said, I love like a little eggo blueberry waffle in the morning. I said, great, I'll buy you some. I bought like three boxes because I wanted her to know I'm here for you. She didn't eat any. So when she left, I started eating them and I was like, aren't these good? Every morning. I wake up and I make eggs, toast, bacon for myself and waffles. Now when you make eggs, when you scramble these eggs up, what exactly is the process? I just put them in there and like...

Well, I'll make potatoes first. And while the onions and the potatoes are finishing frying, I crack eggs over it. And then it's like a scramble. A scramble. But I got to go back to what happened. So I get so, I guess, overwhelmed. Yeah. But also not scared. I'm like, it's weird. No, you're caught up. Nothing's going to happen to me. But I'm swept up in the drama that I...

It's one of those hotel suites that has one bathroom, another bathroom, a bedroom, and a living room. You know, the suites. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm in the suite and I'm going, this is like so stupid sounding. I go, where's the bed in this room? And then I'm like, I'm not in the bedroom. I need to go lay down. The fact that I thought, why isn't there a bed in this hotel room? That's when you know that every kiss begins with K. Have you ever... I mean, I've like...

I've been in the shower and I'm like, I'll pee. And then I'm like, should I poop? No. But I have to like, I have to, I have to say, oh no, don't do that. No, no, no.

You better chill. Yeah. To what end? To what end? To what end? I mean. So then I go lay down and I was watching 90 Day Fiance. There's this couple. This stress factor. This stress factor. This, this, I could not watch one minute of the show. I would get stressed out. Baby girl with the braids. I got to tell you about someone.

Samit, who's a man from India. Yes. He's 30. His betrothed is a 63-year-old blonde woman from Palm Springs named Jenny. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, what are you doing, baby? And normally, typically on these shows, it's people coming to the States to be with their betrothed. Jenny's leaving her life behind to go to India. 63-year-old blonde woman. She wants to do this. Yeah, yeah. She gets there. And this is a bit of a spoiler alert, but they've been a famous couple on TV for years, so I don't think it's a spoiler. Get into this, Miss Honey Girl.

Like, like really get into this. Thank you. So they're doing their interviews. You know, in the beginning of those dating shows, it'll be like, I met Jenny online. We started talking. And so his storyline is, um, I told her my name was Michael Jones because at the call center I worked at the fake American name I used is Michael Jones. Okay. And he said, originally I sent her a different picture of someone.

Catfish. Yeah. And he says, eventually I started to fall in love with her. I had to be honest. Hi, I'm not Michael Jones. And that's not a picture of me. That's so great. He goes on FaceTime with her and she's like, oh my God, you're so handsome. I don't mind. So that's fun. Right. Well, she's 63. Not exactly. And she's from the desert. Everyone's so sun damaged. She's like, oh my God. Leather bag. Thank you. On feet. Yep. So then fast forward, Jenny comes.

Right. She comes to India and he's like, in India, you still live with your parents. And when you marry your wife, your wife moves in with you and your family. He's like, I haven't told my mom or dad about Jenny yet. So she's going to live in an apartment across town and I'm going to visit her while she's here before I break the news. So for the first week, Jenny's like, I left my whole family, my whole life here. And you're seeing me like once a week for a quickie. What the fuck? Jenny was like, you're starting to make me feel like I'm your mistress. Like, why are you ashamed of me?

Guess what, bitch? Guess what, bitch? It cuts to the producer going, so it's an on the flight interview. Producer goes, tell us exactly what happened yesterday. Jenny goes, I'm at my apartment. A man knocks on the door and he goes, hello, Jenny. I'm Sumit's wife's father. He's been married for two years and our whole family found out about you and they're on their way here because they want to, they want to ask you some questions.

So she's in her apartment. Samit's like, lock the doors. Cause Samit's like, Oh my God, the jig is up. Right. In India. What I've learned from the show is divorce is a majorly like family shame. Like it's not an option. Divorce is drama bigger than here. Okay. Here it's like you marry who you love and you get divorced. If you're not in love anymore in India, the way they portrayed on the show is you get married in an arranged marriage and you never divorce. Damn. So he's like,

It cuts to his interview. So how did he? And he's like, I lied the whole time. I was in an arranged marriage. I met Jenny beforehand and then I got match made and had to marry this woman. But I kept talking to Jenny and Jenny left her whole life to go there and he wasn't even honest that he had a wife.

And I felt bad for him because it's arranged. And I watched Indian matchmaking. I learned a lot about. Okay. But, but, but, but. Which by the way, the divorce rate 60% in America, the divorce rate for arranged marriages is like less than 3%. But that's partially because it's in societies where divorce is not a cute option. Sure, sure, sure. Right? Yeah.

So then his whole family, including the wife, shows up and they're screaming saying, we could send Sumit to jail and we could send you to jail for this. And she doesn't even have American friends. She's crying. 63-year-old woman. 63-year-old Indian. And this 30-year-old guy's like, sorry. She probably got diarrhea. I hope. Damn. I couldn't believe it. That is so nightmarish. They stay together. Mama, they stay together. Several seasons. Still together.

Love wins. Love wins. Can you believe? No, I cannot believe that. The nerve of you to go on TV, sit in an interview chair and say, well, I just love Jenny. Is it because it's... And he never mentioned... And then I thought, did the producers know him? And then played dumb to get her there? I think so. I think so. Because David Silver was like, I bet the producers knew. And I was like, he produces Trixie Motel. I'm like, how often do you lie to me, bitch? But... Hello, that part. That part. That motel isn't even a motel. Now I'm like...

David married to a woman in India? Yeah. Her name is Praneep and she's a big-tittied Bollywood porn star. She's better looking than me. Well, that's the kicker. Finally, Jenny meets his real parents and they're like, we will never accept you. Love. They're like, his real wife is young and beautiful. You're old and a flop. And they literally, in front of her, in Indian, because she can't speak it, they're going, look at her. She's old. She can't give him kids. This is a joke. And she's just like,

And he's like lightly translating, but like interpreting it in a less offensive way. That's so sad. It's so cunty. But I like naan. I know. I like chicken masala. In 90 Day, it's not always like this. Sometimes, and you can tell he loves her. You can tell like he's in, none of us have been in arranged marriage, so I'm sure there's a lot of moving parts there. That's of course, yeah. But I learned from these shows like,

Usually the combination is doughy white guy who exaggerates his wealth to get like a Ukrainian model. I was going to say like an 18 year old Ukrainian. 18 year old Ukrainian like pussy titty model. Yeah. Pussy titty. Pussy titty. She models her pussy in titty. Or it's like a mom aged woman who's like an empty nester who meets like a hot young. Black guy. Yeah. Black guy, Latin guy, whoever. And it's always a white lady. Yeah.

And it's always a young, hot, non-white guy. And is it electric, the chemistry? I think sexually it is. Okay, fierce. But then it's two different cultures, two different ages. The chaos is no matter what you do, it's common. Now, when you're watching these shows, do you get stressed out or do you just love it? Because I get stressed. When that edible got Miss Ellen McPherson with me, Miss Ellen McPherson,

When she strapped in, I went...

shows because I started to feel like I was in the room with them. I started to be like, what are we going to do? And I was like, that's not me. I'm not them. It's very, very, very tough to watch. So I switched over to a comfort program. I switched over to The Office and watched it with the volume off in bed. I thought you were going to say like My 600 Pound Life. No, but I started to get too invested. Yeah. I mean, I watched a clip of My 600 Pound Life the other day and it was just wild. Well, then I showed the show to David. My 600 Pound Life? No, no, no. You've got to watch Thousand Pound Sisters. Oh,

Probably a massage, Amy. I think that's what it was. She said, I've tried everything. She's like, the doctor's like, well, it's not really possible for you to gain 90 pounds on the way to the hospital from your car. Girl? But I did. I did. 90 pounds. All of those shows where they are saying, I've been on a diet, but they've gained weight. Why lie to the doctor? Well, yeah. Why are you lying to a doctor standing on a scale? That's the people you should be honest with. I know.

Because they're trying to help you. Yeah, it's kind of cool. It's not cool, but it's fascinating to me. I want to sometimes reach to the screen and be like, now's the time to be patently honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're trying to get from point A to point B. So a girl on Thousand Pound Sisters, one of them was like at the doctor and she's like, I think I'm pregnant too. And the other one's like, and she goes, the doctor goes, why do you think you're pregnant? She says, I've been having weird cravings.

And the doctor goes, like what? And I get this close to the TV. 85-inch TV, you've seen it. I'm this close. I look like I'm in a movie theater. They're this close to me. They're huge. Well, and on the screen. So she goes, I'm in a weird cravings. The doctor goes, cravings for what? And Tammy goes, I just didn't want water. And Amy, her sister goes, and it goes to Amy's talking head. She goes, craving for water? Bitch, you're thirsty.

You're not pregnant. You're not pregnant. You're thirsty. That's so fierce. It's so fierce. I think I'm pregnant. Why? Because I've been trying to drink water. Yeah. Well, it's the strangest thing. I got up and then I, you know, I had to sit back down. It's fierce. It's fierce. It's really fierce. You got to get into those shows. 90 Day is fierce. I can't because you know what it is? I feel like, I don't know. I'm such a wimp when it comes to like exploitation. Is it because you're an empath?

No. And you take on the energy. No. I recently met someone who described themselves as a sentient empath. And I think a good rule of thumb, if you ever encounter such a person is to just do a little one 80 degree turn and then just run like hell the other direction. That's my, that's just totally my, you're an unpath. Unpath. We're like, why don't, why she's so upset? Well, her whole family was murdered. I'm a centipede unpath. Yeah.

A sentient empath If you ever say to me that you were a sentient empath Was it a porn person? No it was um well The first time it happened it was this um Cause the porn people love to be witchy They do and I can get I can dig that But this was a yoga teacher in Mass Art In the basement for a $5 yoga class And she said I'm a sentient empath And then she taught one of the worst classes I've ever taken in my life And I was like can't you feel the energy bitch

You can't feel how much we hate this? You don't taste that? That shit in the air? Anyways, it's just wild stuff. I really, really, really want to fucking see that goddamn...

The fucking Poor Things movie Why don't you go? To the theater? You don't like the movie theater, huh? It's too long But the food You like the snacks I do I love the popcorn I have gone to some shit movies Because of popcorn David took me to see The live action Beauty and the Beast I basically ate the popcorn In the lobby Live action Beauty and the Beast With Emma Watson

Oh, brother. Those hot nasty pretzels get me together. They get me right together. The fucking chips. They get me right together. And when they have like at the... Oh, yeah. The AMC. I go to the Universal CityWalk AMC and they have the butter thing.

The problem, they got to figure out the butter situation because the top one inch. Oh, sure. Wet. I know. Wet ass popcorn. Wet. Yeah. Wet. Everything underneath. Wet mud. Dry. Dryer than the Sahara. Brambles. Brambles and then mud. Brambles and mud. Yeah. A muddy topping over brambles. We need to do what they do at milkshake places where like it mixes it. Like they need to make popcorn that gets evenly buttered. They should do 90 day buttered popcorn fiance. Yeah.

90 Day Fiance. I am actually glad you're not into it because... Then I get married. You don't watch any like shit reality, do you? No. I like dramas and I like comedies. I mean, I started watching The Curse. That's pretty kooky. The Curse.

The Curse? The Curse with Nathan Fielder and Emma Starn. Oh, not seen it. No, it's good white people stuff. Love Nathan Fielder. Oh, yeah. The Rehearsal? Oh, yeah. The Rehearsal? Did you love it? It's wild. The way I crawled under his big milky udder and suckled. That show was fucking amazing. It blew my mind. I was watching it on a plane. You loved The Curse then. And I loved it so much. I was looking around at other people being like, did you...

You got to watch The Curse then because Mary, guess what? The whole premise is that this insufferable Instagram couple does a HDTV show. Yes. Trixie Motel? Yeah, honey. It's a little on the painted nose. You will gag and she's so, oh, you've got to love it. Is it Emma Stone? Emma Stone, yeah.

Emma Stone. I feel like she has a little, it's a little bit Drew Barrymore. Emma Stone. Emma Stone. A little bit. I watched her in House Bunny recently. Have you seen House Bunny? She's in Emma Stone's House Bunny? Yeah. She plays like the leader of the sorority. Oh, Ferris. Oh, I was watching a little scary movie clips the other day with Miss Anna Ferris. God damn, they don't make them like that anymore. Anna Ferris. If we can ever get on the pod. I doubt it. I would die.

She's so funny. Bitch. She's very, very funny. For her to walk on set and swing that big fearless. The word is fearless. Brown hair.

The whole movie though. Yeah. The Wayans brothers. I know. Miss Regina. A lot of the gay stuff. I love it. That gay stuff. The fingering each other's butts and stuff. I know we're not allowed to make fun of gay people anymore. No, of course we can. That era scary movie where the joke is that he's gay is so funny. I love it. I love it. I don't care how juvenile or low hanging fruit it is. I love it. Every movie theater just needs a gay person.

We come to this place for magic. I need Frankie Grande to walk into the AMC City Walk and be like, tonight's feature will have gay jokes. And I'm here to let you know that it's okay. Also, do you remember in Dude, Where's My Car? Where Ashton Kutcher and Sean... Sean William Scott. They French kissed at the red light. I loved that. And I jerked too. I shertinly did as well. I shertinly did as well. I stroked my little cocklet. Jerk.

I put on my best turtleneck. I pulled it down to my knees and then I rubbed it through the sweater. Right. Cause I've seen your dick. It's like, it's like a raisin in the sun, raisin in the sun.

Nature's candy. Nature's candy. I don't ever want to see this. Raisinette. Nature's candy. Nature's candy. Nature's candy. Oh, the Titanic. 75,000 people died. That's not how many people. 75,000. No, the Titanic was like 1,200. Titanic. No survivors. Honestly, hot take. Titanic was not that many people. Cold take. Like, honestly, it was like, what, the Globe Theater? Like, I have more people there for Halloween.

75,000 people perished The Titanic That's not true A boat? I'll just say this though What did you think? Best case scenario You're on this boat for weeks I mean to be fair they had the unsinkable Molly Brown on board False advertising if you ask me

Was she called that before the boat? I believe she was. She was hired. She wasn't even going, you know, she was hired as like a, as like a spiritual buoy for that boat. And I want to be on her PR team when the boat sank. So the issue is we call her unsinkable and there she is on the sinking boat. Yeah. So what are we supposed to tell our investors? Maybe the undrownable Molly Brown. That water was probably so cold. I know. Brandon does the polar plunge every year.

He jumps in Lake Michigan. But that's different, I feel like, because he can get out. No, I think the Polar Plunge is exactly like the Titanic. Oh, it's in the middle of the Atlantic, right? Yeah. It's in the middle of the Atlantic and I think it's at night. And it's no cell phones and everyone's in like corsets. Yeah. A lot of layers. A lot of layers. I haven't seen that movie in so long. Gibson Girl Updues. Gibson Girl Updues. That movie is sad. It is.

It's so fucking long, girl. And sad. Yeah. I don't watch that. I don't watch Brokeback. Nothing too sad. Well, again, with the Brokeback, I just can't get past it. You can't spit in your hand and then just shove it in. I don't care how teeny or tiny your little winnie is. You know what I mean? But it's not like they had gun oil on the side of the mountain, bitch. No, so they just need to do blowjays. Maybe they had TMJ. Could be. Intercurral for your nerve? Intercurral?

Do people get dick enlargements? They do, right? Are you joking? Do it work? Yeah. I was, I told you there's a, you know, silicone. Oh, you're talking about like not silicone. No, no, no. I'm talking about like lengthening treatments. Oh yeah. They've got to. What about the short, the short straight guys who break their legs and add length?

That is so fucking wild. It's so cunt. That is so cunt. It is so, it is so much pain. It is so much rigmarole. It's so expensive for really a maximum, like two inches. The other thing is, even if you've got a few inches, you're going to look feminine because long legs and a short torso is more of a feminine shape. At a certain point, you're going to be Miss Naomi Smalls. No, no, two inches. If there was eight inches, then legs overhead like a pretzel. But, but I mean, but think about this. So I was thinking about this the other day, like,

If you have a guy who's 5'7", and a guy who's 5'9", it's just a huge difference. It is? Yes. It is. I don't think it's right. I don't think it should be, but it just very much is. 5'7 is short. But 5'9 is not. 5'9 is pretty much average height for a male in America. That's a good point. You know? That's a really good point. But 5'7".

But also in gay world, you can find gay guys who like short guys. No, I'm talking about men, men and women. But I mean, men and women world. Are there a lot of girls who like short guys? No. No, right? Unless you're a tall girl and you're used to everyone being short, you don't care, do you? I think if you're a tall girl, you're looking for other tall people. To take back to the tribe. Yeah. To take back to India for that 90 day fiance reunion. In short...

No pun intended. Tall girl. Used to be a great store. Now it's no longer there. What's the healing process of having your femur snapped and extended? It's fucking horrible. My God. It's horrible. It is not. It's a gruesome, grisly recovery. It's not easy. You have to take off like eight months. In Amanda Lepore's book, Doll Parts, I don't feel weird spilling this tea because it's in a public book. She talks about having, let's say certain ribs altered and the process of letting them heal smaller. Yeah.

I believe she did it in Mexico and she talked about how long it took. I think she spent like a long time on her back. I think we've all spent a long time on our back.

She got new boobs, though. Shout out to Amanda's new boobs. Thank God. She was so flat chested. I know. God. Now she won't get bullied on the schoolyard. Yeah. Let's hope. I don't know if she's made like a coming out announcement, but the difference if you're Amanda follower is so profound. I mean, I think all the eighth graders in her school pretty much notice. Yeah. Yeah. She looks sensational as always. She always does. As always. She's a living legend, a vision, a goddess. Yeah.

100%. She's amazing. I would love to have her on the pod someday. I don't think she comes to LA very often. I would love to have her on my TV screen in a documentary. You know what to do.

Okay, I gotta go. We gotta make a documentary. Okay. Bye.