Chelsea Handler!
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Okay, welcome to another lovely episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. We are so pleased and pleasured to have today an actual star, megawatt. Megawatt superstar. International woman of incredible acclaim. She's a model. She's an actress. She's an icon. And she is the moment. Yes, she is. Now come on now. A woman who is absolutely beautiful and not even a little bit bald. Not even a little... Well...

In the special, we learned a little bit about sudden onset female baldness, but we'll get to that. Chelsea Handler's here today. Woo! Hi, Chelsea. I am slightly, I am a little bit bald. And yeah, so that's why I wanted to do this podcast. Thank you. You're being vulnerable. Thank you for vulnerability right off the bat. Anybody who saw Evolution, your newest special, knows a little bit about your...

Surprise, onset baldness. A surprise to everyone, including the doctor who prescribed you testosterone. Yeah, including the doctor who prescribed me the testosterone that made my hair start falling out. She was as surprised as I was when I brought it to her attention.

Which makes me feel really good about the provider that I'm talking to. They're like, what's your name again? What are you here for? It's a bit like when you talk to a vet. You don't get a straight answer. You always just get vagaries. Like, your dog might be sick or your dog might have all of her teeth removed. It's like, is that what happens?

Yeah. How can they like age a redwood tree, but then you bring a live animal to a, to a doctor who is a specialty in that animal? They say, well, it could be 50, could be four. But isn't that how they, they rope you into rescuing dogs. They're like, he's two years old. He's got a full life.

yeah yeah but still once you find out once that's the place where you're rescuing they can be full of but when you bring it to the doctors you know the animal doctor they should be able to draw some sort of conclusion about how old your dog might be within like a margin of two or two of like years not not you know decades

Yeah. Yeah. You go to the doctor and you go to the vet and you're like, how old is my dog? They're like, this is a mountain lion. Well, I go to the doctor. I was like, how old do I look today? You asked the doctor how old do you look? She still has no idea. And she doesn't really care. I was walking my two dogs in Whistler and they look like little teddy bears, my two dogs. And I was walking,

them in Whistler without a leash at Whistler Canada. I was there for a few months over the winter, this past winter. And this woman was walking down the street and got scared when she saw them. She went, oh my God, they're off leash. And I was like, well, yeah, okay. I'm sorry. I'm like, yeah, but look at them. Like, what are they going to do? And she goes, you should put them on a leash. People could confuse those with bears. And I'm like, they're both wearing handkerchiefs.

If anything, they look like nice little hipster people from down the road. They look like they're both from Silver Lake. They had on little glasses, tattoos. They don't look like bears. You know what, though? I was just jogging last night. I exercise. And I saw a girl with a dog on a leash, and she was barely holding it, and the dog did lunge. And I'm like, Mary, grasp the leash. Yeah. Well, they have cats on leashes, too. Have you seen cats on leashes? I don't like that. No.

I don't want a cat that's on a leash. I find that very creepy. It's a very particular kind of energy. And it's a little like, it's suspicious, but also it's strange and suspicious, but I don't know. I'd rather see a person on a leash. But it's also like cats shouldn't be out. They should be in the house and keep them there. You know, cats aren't caring. Dogs are. So keep your cat at home and they don't need a leash because they never are going to, they're never supposed to leave.

Yeah, that's true. Or just don't get one. Do you like cats, Chelsea? No, right? What do you think? Oh!

I don't fuck with cats whatsoever. And less than cats, I don't fuck with cat people. No, yeah. Yeah, they just piss and shit everywhere. And then they just wait for you to find it and smile at you. It is a very different kind of energy. You're right, though. Cats versus dogs. Like that cat. Like when someone says I have a cat, it makes me think like, do I, you know, like it thinks twice when someone says they have a dog. I'm like, OK, good. Home run. Yeah. And also people talk about like dogs or dogs or dirty dogs or smelly.

If you have a cat, your home permanently smells like piss and shit. Yeah, and there's hair everywhere. Everywhere. All over your clothes all the time. And dogs aren't going to the bathroom inside the house in a box. Cats are going inside in a box and then hiding it from you.

Yeah. And they're more, they're more dignified. Yeah. Now I have to ask Chelsea, obviously you're a celebrated comedian, but I, I, after doing some research, I didn't know you were also a beauty pageant veteran. Oh yes. Yes. Come on.

Well, I'm from New Jersey where the pageant game is strong. So it's almost like it's like a southern state in that respect where people take their looks and their hair and their like presentation very seriously, but with bad fashion. So it's like, you know, because obviously no one from New Jersey is like coming out hot.

But yeah, so I was involved in the pageant scene, which was so, so dirty, you know, behind the scenes. And I did like three or four and then my parents got taken for like three or $4,000 by some for some big pageant that was never really going to happen. And then after that, they're like, we're not spending money on this anymore. So that was how I got ousted.

I'm showing Conti this picture of you from Teen of America in this blue dress. I'm confused. You said there was no fashion in Jersey because I don't see anything. But I mean, this is like the height of glamour. Yeah. Maybe you were just supposed to be doing drag pageants because honestly, this is drag. I have done drag pageants too. Perfect. When did you go to your first drag show? No, I haven't done a drag pageant. I don't think I've been to a drag show. Oh, yes. Of course, I've been to a drag show, but not a pageant.

The pageants are a whole different thing. I need to. Yeah. The pageants of the drag pageants are a whole different thing. The drag show is like people are drinking whatever. They kind of know the words, you know, uncle Ted is in a wig on a box, whatever the pageants is like the parents. I would assume that the, your, the parents of the New Jersey teens in the eighties take it about as seriously as the adult men in wigs at the pageants. Yeah. Everybody leaves the pageant believe they were, they were robbed. They should have won. Everyone should have won.

Did you have to, was it a racket? I mean, like what's the entrance fee and all that? There's all these like hidden fees. And then at the end of the day, when you get your prize, the winner gets the prize, it's like you're kind of in the hole. There's really not much of a payoff, is there? Well, no, of course not. But that's what a racket it is. But

remember how much it was, but I remember just like the absurdity. First, you had, because there's ones where you need talent, a talent, you know, and then there are ones where you just do like a bathing suit and evening gown. And why they're dressing up teenage girls in evening gowns is a good question, probably for Woody Allen. So there's like, there's a bathing suit and evening gown, and then I feel like there was like some sort of business component or something.

Oh no, they ask you a question, right? You have to say, well, what would you do to save the world or whatever? And then the most humiliating part was there was a dance number and I have no rhythm. Like I cannot hold a beat to a song or like coordinated dancing is just like not something I, or choreographed, I can't follow.

So they had me at the front because I was cute and you saw my hair. They had me at the front of the line. And by the end of our rehearsal, I was off the stage in the second group, like behind the thing, because they didn't even know what to do with me. I was like, I couldn't follow the steps. And they were very fundamental.

And so everyone stayed late for me, like the pageant judges. Everyone was like trying to get me to dance. Oh, my God. And it was humiliating because the more people that watched, the more nervous I got and the more in my head I got. So I couldn't do it. And at the end of it, I was in the last row, you know, one of the last girls so that nobody could see me dance.

So that really screwed up my life. Which is a great way to win, by the way. Great strategy to win. Yeah, I'm sure your confidence just kept going up. I rocketed from there. And then the next note I got back was I came in like in the top 15, right? And you could call and get your feedback the day after. And the next note I got was that I had to lose 15 pounds.

Oh, no way. That was for me. I'm sorry about that. Holy shit. So but that's Jersey, I guess. I mean, hey, I think that's pageant world, not necessarily specific to Jersey.

Yeah. When you filmed your special evolution in Jersey, are you like hometown hero though? Or are they like, Oh, we know that whore from down the street. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I feel like everyone, you know, from Jersey kind of knows I'm from Jersey, but yeah, like my high school, someone told me when I was campaigning for the governor of New Jersey, Phil Murphy, this guy, I was campaigning for him a couple of years ago. And

one of these kids at my high school or a teacher from my high school said they don't have my name on like the Hall of Fame wall in Livingston, New Jersey because I openly spoke about abortions or getting abortions. And I was like, what? She's like, oh yeah, Jason Alexander's name is on there. He went to my high school and like two other, you know, moderately famous people. And I was like, uh, I think that's a bit of a hiccup. And

And they're like, yeah, yeah. They're very like, they don't advertise that you are from there. And I'm like, oh, interesting. Jesus Christ. They're worried the kids are going to turn out like you. Yeah. Rich, famous, gorgeous, successful. Gorgeous entrepreneur. They don't have to say, you know, drug doer and, you know, naked skier. They could say like entrepreneur. Drug doer, abortion getter. Yeah.

Killing babies since 86. Yeah. So in your special, I was watching it and I loved it so much. And you were saying that you kind of have a talent of knowing what drug people would like.

Yeah. Can you do like a video? Can you do us? Can you do a video consult? You, you do well with drugs. I think you do well with like, even like heavier drugs like Molly or, I mean, you're definitely fine with cannabis and you're probably like Molly and a couple of other like ketamine maybe once in a while. And then you, I think might have a stronger reaction to that type of stuff. Or am I wrong? Or did I get it? Did I get it?

Oh, no. Keep going. Keep going. I don't want to buy it. And that you do not have a good relationship with cannabis? Yeah. I mean, it's a little bit game show energy. Do you want to reveal? The truth is I'm pretty straight edge. And this person right here. I've been around the block and through the sewer. I got it completely backwards. Yeah.

Oh, right, right, yeah. Well, she has the... She has the lifelong drug experience that you have, but I had the sort of, like, only last year and a half cannabis discovery that you had, like, the gummy discoveries. And she is... I mean, she is a, like...

Whereas like if I would require about like a duffel bag, just like condensed into like a powder and then just blast it up my nose. You know, she is get, what is it, like half a milligram of a gummy and then she's on Saturn. Oh, half a five milligram gummy. I'm on Jupiter. Yeah. I see. I see. I see. Okay. Yeah. Copy that. Well, then you, and then you have a long way to go in your cannabis discovery, by the way, because. Yeah.

That's so fun that you have like a tolerance like that to play around with. I wish I had a low tolerance because sometimes I have to take like month long breaks to get them back together. Can I ask a question to somebody who's a little more drug experienced? I love to do a gummy. It keeps me from drinking. It keeps me in bed early, whatever. It keeps me interested in Rock of Love.

how do I not eat the house down after? I mean, I get so hungry. Yeah, I know what you mean. It's a problem that a lot of people have. I honestly, what I do before I take weed or before I take an edible and if I know, I just say to myself, you are not going to be a fucking pig. Like, you are not.

You literally have to set the intention of like, don't go and start grazing out of the refrigerator. Like I usually right after I take my schedule a meal, like an hour after my edible hits or like a soon after so that I'm satiated. And then I just say that to myself before I take it. And it kind of works. You have to say to yourself, don't do that.

Maybe I need to like take it and then have like a late dinner so that the dinner is the pig out. Yeah. You want the meal to be your snack. And yeah. And just like any major drug, even though it's only cannabis, setting an intention before you do it is always helpful because I don't want to do that either. I mean, I spent all of quarantine smoking, walking to my refrigerator. I had to set an alarm on my phone to not touch my refrigerator for three hours.

The commitment. He could probably rig up the fridge to set off the safety alarm. Have the cops come. I need to put one of those ring alarms on the fridge. I can come over and install that for you. No problem. When I used to do the circuit parties and we would do GHB. Have you ever done that, Chelsea? No, but I've heard a lot about that and I've seen people on it. You

You know, the gays get turned on the GHB. They, it's always somebody, there's always one person who has an iPhone with a timer and the dropper and the Gatorade and they're the one dosing people. But the person dosing people is always on drugs. Yeah. It's the most absurd thing. It's not a sober person. It's just someone else high going, it's time for your second dose. When I learned what is actually like the correct safety protocol for taking that drug, I was like,

Oh, good. Okay. So a bunch of lab techs at the circuit party are going to be doing this? No, it's a bunch of crazy tweaking fags. And they're just, I mean, it's like little droplet. The dose, it has to be so precise. Otherwise you just pass out and people just trample your body in the dance floor or in a bathhouse and people just do sex to your lifeless body. Yeah.

It's real. What is the GHP protocol? It's, I mean, dosage to the milliliter, I think. It's literally like a drop. Droplets. Drop or two in a cup of Gatorade, and I think it's once an hour. And you're not supposed to be combining it, which everyone does. And yeah, fatal if taken with alcohol. So, great for parties. Well, they say that about everything, don't they? We're going to take a break. We'll be right back.

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And we're back. I have to – I was so – my eyes got bugged when you started talking about the – was it 5-MeO DMT you took at that Topanga event?

The little retreat. Now do you believe she's an expert? Because she knows the exact words. You had taken off your own clothes. Oh yeah, I was immediately like, it took about 30 seconds and I was drenched in my own sweat and I have an aversion to heat anyway. Like I like everything cold and moving, the air circulating. Like as soon as things are hot, I'm out.

And so I couldn't even sit up, so I couldn't go anywhere. So I'm ripping my clothes off, but my bra is like just immediately soaking wet. I was in such a state and I don't lose control like that very often. So I was, you know, embarrassed, but not embarrassed enough to stop what, you know, I might pass away right now. Like I have to save myself. Yeah.

Oh, my God. This one went on a similar amethyst journey recently and the drugs didn't work. Yeah, I did. I went down to do this ayahuasca ceremony in Mexico. And and, you know, I was there all night long and surrounded by people who are in various states of dazzlingly spectacular unravel, you know, like from like to full on just like, you

and, you know, purging the whole night and then screaming, crying. And I'm just like, I'm one of like a hundred people and I'm just like, you know, in my sleeping bag just like watching it all unfold. I'm like, uh,

Oh, yeah. You know, I did a special for Netflix on ayahuasca where I went to Peru. Yeah, I saw it. And yeah, and that happened to me. I didn't get, I didn't feel anything. It's like called Chelsea Does Drugs. I didn't feel anything the first night. But what happened to you is similar because my two friends I brought had really, really intense experiences, which kind of pulled me out of my own. You know, I felt somewhat responsible for dragging them down there and forcing them to do a hallucinogen and

you know, the rainforest of Brazil with a shaman who shat his pants twice. So we, the second night I did it alone, the shaman's like, she's too distracted. We need less camera, fewer cameras. And she's going to do this by herself. And I was like, okay, great. Give me a fucking double dose because I had it prepared for it the way you're supposed to. Did you prepare for it? With the doctor.

I mean, there's a, there's a pretty, like, it's a pretty, uh, the diet is they, the prescriptions can kind of go on and on. It's like, you know, the levels of it, like there's a full aesthetic practice like that. You could do like a week or even two weeks or more before it. Cause you're supposed to do like clean food, no caffeine, all that, right? No caffeine, no salt, no meat, no pork. There's some, no pork. Yeah. No sex, no masturbation, no alcohol, no alcohol. So I didn't do that. Yeah.

But anyway, the second night I did have a good experience. Did you try it again after the first time? No, I went down one night. Half of the group was doing a full second night. And at that point, I was like, no fucking way. I couldn't. Because I took three cups of it. And most people just took two. And there was a handful of us that were not like, you know, tripping the life fantastic. So we were offered a third cup. And that cup just made me puke my guts out. But that's it. Oh, oh.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. That sometimes happens. You hear people talk about that. That's such a bummer though. Yeah. It's such a bummer. And they're like, well, it just come down again. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I know. I love when drugs don't work and people keep trying to convince you to use that. Like it doesn't work. Like I have certain friends that can't smoke weed. They'll never be able to have an edible. And I just have to accept that. And I'm the biggest pitcher that I know, but I'm like, okay. Yeah.

I think that's a great another Netflix special where you invite drug resistant people into your house and force them like panic room the whole place and just wait till they get high staring in the face. What's happening? What's happening? Yeah, I noticed a couple of my girlfriends at my girlfriend's 40th party birthday party last year in Cabo was like our last our trip our last trip.

before COVID. And I had a bunch of edibles and I just thought everybody was on the same page and I was handing them out, you know, and like three girls had to like go home and lie in bed for the rest of the night. And I didn't hear about it until like three weeks after the party. They were like, oh God, remember the night Chelsea dosed everyone? I'm like, what did I do? And like apparently three people were sick and bad. Oh,

Oh, no. From edibles? I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. An edible. I'm like, then you don't even deserve to be taking one in the first place if you can't handle it like that. Because I'm pretty good about dosing people. Like, I know if you're a beginner, if you're an intermediate, you know, or if you can handle something. I mean, other than getting you guys completely wrong or you girls completely wrong. I mean, other than that, I've had it 100% on your face.

Well, we do have different, we have different energies. Yeah, we have different energies. The lighting in here is not so great. Have you ever, what's the, what's the worst? I mean, you've said like, you're pretty, like all of your drug experiences have been pretty pleasant or at least, you know, interesting. Is there any, anyone that's been a total nightmare or a dud?

Well, the 5D MEU, that one was really bad because that one I was stuck in like some, you know, vagina cabin in like Topanga Canyon. It was just all of it was everything that I didn't want anything. It was at a retreat and there was a, you know, a sound bath in the woods. Everything that I heard, all these terms made my like vagina close up. Like every time I heard another thing that I didn't want to do, I was like, get me out of here, get me out of here. So that was just...

kind of like the icing on the cake for that weekend because by the time I was there with her, I'm like, okay. I mean, I did do the drug again after to make sure. You did? Okay, I was going to ask. What was it like then? The same experience. Really? Yeah.

Because I know in your special you said it was kind of, I mean, you kind of wanted, you got the Tower of Terror experience a little bit. Yeah, totally. They say it's an ego killer and that it's like a death, like you experience death. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can tell me anything about experiencing death. That's not what I'm into. I want like good times laughter. Yeah. I kind of see where you're coming from though. Like,

Just like the caucasity of it, of like the terms come to Topeka Canyon for the sound bath. Like the type of people you would, the candle entrepreneurs you might run into there would be too much. Yeah, the holistic, you know, the holistic business starters and stuff. I had a hard time with like sort of trying to balance the, you know, the cultural tourism of it, especially with the ayahuasca stuff, because that can get a little like...

I don't know. It's a little weird with just these white folks wanting to be like, "I want to see what a real mystical native experience is like," and do the whole thing. And it just has this kind of like, "Well, you're just looking to get robbed and you probably deserve to be." Yeah, like coming out to the retreat with a Navajo blanket from anthropology. Or like garlic aromatherapy. It's like, I don't want to hear terms like...

you know, micro panic attack and things like that. Micro panic attack. What is a micro panic attack? I don't know, but it comes with a pound of kale. What is your, what is your, are you like, um, what is your diet? Like, I've like, uh, as an L you've been in LA for so long, you haven't like sort of drunk the Kool-Aid yet or have you? Oh yeah, no, I fucking do everything. Like I have to see, is it seeds, berries and leaves? Yeah.

Yeah, basically. No, I do eat, but I'm like very, very strict about my intake and my food and my working out. I mean, yeah, totally. I've definitely drunk the Kool-Aid. Whatever I can do to be prettier and younger is always – I'm like, sure. I mean, I've had some treatments. I don't know what's fucking working and what's not. Yeah, at this point, you can't pinpoint what works, so you have to be stuck to all of it. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah.

this is anti-aging and this you're like, does it cause cancer? Maybe. Okay. I'll take it. I go to those, you know, those like gifting sweet things. And that a lot of times there's vitamins and I always take whatever, take the vitamins. They could be giving me anything. And then I start taking one of every single one that seems different. And I can't tell if anything's happening, but I don't, if it's something did happen, I wouldn't know which one to start or continue to take. Yeah. That's why I just got to take them all. 47 vitamins to say B12. I don't know. Yeah.

I went to my anti-aging doctor the other day and she was giving me, she was testing all my levels and she's like, oh my God, you're so healthy, da, da, da, going on and on. I'm like, yeah, because I'm shooting myself up with all these supplements that I don't know what they're doing, but apparently they seem to be doing a good job. And then she went on to say that I have the ovaries of a 25-year-old and I have a lot of fertile eggs.

And I'm like, how are you measuring that? And she, and I don't know. I didn't listen to what she said because of course. Your aura. She's down there with one of those cardboard egg things, like one. I wanted to say to her, like, know me less, you know, like great fertility. It's like, I've been working my entire life to remain childless and alone. You so much.

It's like not anything close to what I want to hear. I thought we were going to wrap things up soon. You know, that should be the, the, you know, the, the building, you know, whatever the university of New Jersey, the Chelsea handler, childless and alone, like university of New Jersey, Chelsea. Yeah.

It'll be the only wing where nobody under 18 is allowed. Yeah, it's just for the promotion of the health of young women who don't want to fuck with kids. It will be an abortion provider, a drug provider, and then a self-esteem boost. We'll do lots of affirmations on the way out.

You know how they have like the family planning crisis centers that are really Christians convincing you to not get an abortion? Yeah. You could open the opposite. Yeah. Like perfectly normal people like, because I didn't have a baby, you could be like, are you sure? Yeah. You also have a lot of free time. You want to do some drugs? We convince you to think twice. Right. Yeah.

Are you sure? I don't know. You seem young. God, you have so much life ahead of you. Let's do the abortion and we'll go take some ayahuasca. Come on, honey. Because at the Christian clinics, don't they like show you a picture and show you the heartbeat? You could like...

This is how much money a baby will cost. Yeah, this is what we could be doing over the weekend in Cabo. I need you to hold a shitty diaper for five minutes. That dovetails nicely with my podcast here, Chelsea. We could film that since it's advice-driven and life advice. We could film, I could set it up there and then when people come in for their live action advice, we can just record it and kill two birds with one stone. You guys are really great collaborators. Yeah.

And honestly, Chelsea, no matter what their problem is, you can circle back to like, but on top of everything, you cannot have kids. Yeah. That's basically my message. Also to remain single is a huge victory in life. Like when you can, if you can like really have a good time by yourself and be able to like go where you want without telling anybody ever, you have no responsibility. Like people aren't advertising how great that is either.

Yeah. That's a really good point. Fucking A. And I think she just gave voice to all of my internal, like my struggles. It's like people ask me all the time, why are you so unreliable? Where, how can we never find you? And I'm like, well, because I'm alone living my life without a child, without a child, your dream. I'm, if I want to lie in bed all day and watch TV, nobody can say a fucking word about it to me. If I want to,

you know, go and leave tomorrow for France and for three weeks. Again, I mean, a couple of people would say something, but I'm not listening, you know? So it's really just like, especially post-pandemic, I've never been more prideful of my singledom and my childlessness than I am now. Because it's like, haha, I knew something like that was going to happen. And guess who didn't get stuck at home? Homeschooling for a fucking year. Could you imagine? No, no, no.

By the way, Chelsea, I have to say, you're a youth doctor. I mean, you're special. You've got to be kidding me to this one. You truly look exactly the same. So whatever is going on is working. It's crazy for a white person. You girls, you better stop. I have to ask, do you do your own makeup, Chelsea, in the specials? It's beautiful. Oh, no, no, I don't. I mean, I do my own makeup now, which is why you can see that the concealer under my eye is a different complete color than the rest of my face. Because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

They turn you out in those specials. Your skin looks gorge. Yeah, you look great wearing white. It's incredible. Yeah, I like to wear a wig. I always feel weird commenting on women's looks, but I am a homosexual who wears wigs, so it is the first thing I think about. Well, no, I don't think it's – I think it's okay. I think the only people that are not allowed to comment on women's looks right now are single white men. You know, or not single, straight white men. Yeah. Those are the men – those are the group of people that is on probation. So I think –

I think definitely between the rest of us is good. On the, on the, the, the, was it help me Chelsea? No. Um, dear Chelsea, your brand new podcast. Who's what's the craziest bit of, uh, advice you've had, you've given out to someone who's asked so far. We had someone call in who asked about if he was, uh,

He said he was microdosing cocaine at work and he's been very, very productive. And a lot of people have been noticing his level of productivity and he wanted to know if microdosing cocaine was a thing. So that was pretty stupid because microdosing cocaine is not a thing. You're just... Oh, totally. That's crazy. However...

It is crazy. However, that's insane. I, I know a lot of people in this world. I mean, what did we, what? That's not healthy. Um,

Chelsea, without microdosing cocaine, you and I'd be sitting here talking alone. We wouldn't even have this one here today. So did he give you – were there details about what exactly constitutes a microdose of cocaine? Because there's really just one letter difference between macro and micro, I'd like to point out. Is it a tiny bump? Yeah, I think somebody already pointed that out to you, so you understand that they're one and the same. It's six dozen of one and half of another. Yeah.

So what's a micro dose of a bump? Is he just doing the gums thing? Very discreet. Yeah. Hold on a little bit under the tongue. So that was like, you know, we get it. We get people like that, but then we get people calling him with like serious problems. And when we have serious problems and we know we're out of our wheelhouse, like we can't be giving advice like that. So we bring in like experts or like if it's a legal question, like, you know, a lawyer or, or I have like Charlize Theron called in for the first one. Cause it was about parenting and she and I,

So she gave her kind of, you know, two cents about this kid who was, we had a kid whose mom called and said that he was just walking around saying, I want to suck my penis. I want to suck my penis. I want to suck my penis. So we had Charlize weigh in on that, you know, he's like four. And, um, and then we also kind of talked about a relationship, our, like a fight we once had where we hadn't just, uh, you know, uh, something where we had to like sit down and have like

you know, like a therapy conversation. And if I hadn't been in therapy, I wouldn't have had the tools to even understand how to do that. So a lot of the times Brandon, my assistant, and I will talk about our personal experiences and weave them through, but we're getting people with serious problems. I just want to be careful about, you know, not giving too much medical advice, but I'm not really a doctor.

Oh, come on. You have nothing to worry about. I mean, when you look so good, you might as well be a doctor. Yeah. Yeah. Don't have kids. Get your hair done. At the very least, a nurse.

Oh my God. I want to suck my penis. I want to suck my penis. Yeah. That's me on G over and over again. Honey, you're too fat. It's never going to happen. My God. Wow. Thank you. Well, um, would you ever, would, if we can call in, um, cause I am very curious about macro dosing cocaine. I think it might work for you. Yeah. You call in and just use a voice box. So I don't recognize it. Your voice are so people don't recognize it. Yeah.

Love your show. I'm so curious to know about macro dosing meth amphetamine. I heard it would be great for me. I like that you're ambitious yet cautious because we on our show, we talk a lot about issues and people ask their questions and we're always like, do as we like, not as we do. We're not role models. Yeah. Like from the, from, from our mistakes. If anything, I have a story about where I tried to do what you're about to do and I fucking fell on my face. So like, don't do what I'm doing.

Yeah. Because at a certain point, you can't have a show where you're like, call me. I have all the answers. Have a great day. Well, yeah. And also some people just need a little boost in the right direction. Like a lot of people are about to make decisions about breaking up with their families or breaking up with their boyfriends or leaving a job. And they've already made up their mind. They just kind of need like, you know, that best friend to say, hey, you've got this. It's okay. Go for it. And so a lot of it is like that. But it's real people with like real world problems.

And it's also a good reminder that everybody's always fucking confused about what to do, you know? And we always survey our close circle of friends. You know how when you get a piece of information, you tell like the three people in your life to make sure what everyone's saying. And then you base your opinion on that a lot. Even I do that. And I'm, you know, so it's nice to have something like to say, okay, I'm just going to go get advice from this person and listen to it when, you know, you just want people to have like, be a little bit more brave in life. Yeah.

Totally. If Charlize Theron is telling me to stop sucking my own penis at four years old, you better fucking believe I'm going to stop. We have a couple. I have to ask you one more, two more things. You have an ally for equality award from the human rights campaign. I have to say glamorous, hilarious people, women like you. When did you know that the gays were your people?

- Oh, pretty early. I mean, it doesn't take, all you have to do is meet one gay person. You're like, "Oh, where's this party?" You know? You're like, "This is way more fun than anything else that's going on." So, you know, you feel like, I think everyone can relate to just feeling not like they belong. So it's easy to connect with another person who feels that way, you know? And sense of humor to me is pretty much everything. So most gay people have excellent senses of humor.

Yeah, my gay friend was actually, I told him we were interviewing you today, and he said he went to your house once and you asked him if he was wearing a wig. And I thought that was really fun because he has this beautiful long hair. That sounds about right. Which is a great way to get to know someone. First question, are you wearing a wig? Yeah, it's awesome. Well, if they're not, though, they feel super confident that their hair is so lush, right? So it's a good way to get to the meat of the matter.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. No, all of this, put your fingers through it. Or maybe it was like Chelsea's trying to get the party started. Are you wearing a wig? No. And then she goes, well, here's one. It's blue. And then we ask everybody this question. Cause we love to hear people's perspective. Who are your beauty icons? Like who are the ones that you're just like,

That's a really bad question for me. But who do I like love looking? I mean, I remember growing up and being like, you know, in that age where the supermodels had just came like on the scene where it was like Christie Brinkley and Ellen McPherson, you know, and all and Cindy Crawford. So, I mean, I don't know if they're my beauty icons. You know who my beauty icon is? Robin Wright. I mean, she's like, that's who I love.

Oh my God. Yeah. Like I could look at her face all day. Yeah. She's fucking stunning. Yeah. And she's like 56 or something. I mean, I don't, or maybe 55. I shouldn't say 56. She could be 55. She'll kill me, but she's pretty who I look up to. But yeah, I mean, beauty icon. I don't know. I find, you know, sexy fucked up things. Beautiful now way more than I did when I was younger. So it would be so different. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you literally are a beauty icon and we love you so much. Thank you so much for being here today. Oh, it was so nice to meet you. Have a great day. Do you want to let these whores know where they can find your podcast? Oh yeah. Dear Chelsea, it's on all wherever you find your podcast or you can find it on iHeart Podcast. Yes. And I have to personally recommend Evolution. It was so beautiful. It made me laugh so hard. I cried in the bathtub watching it. It's just, I really, it was wonderful. Everybody should just watch it. Thank you. Thank you so much, Chelsea. Bye. Bye.

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