Bottoms, Babies, & Blood Pressure with Trixie and Katya
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I'm a little tired. Okay, okay. I'm a little tired. I'm going to take your blood pressure later, so we're going to...

I did the most. I know you did. Well, I don't, but I want to hear about it. Every time I go home to Milwaukee, I just, I just, every moment is about eating and drinking. Yeah. Every moment. You're Karen Sosinski from my bookstore job. I get postcards. You don't give me postcards. I'm eating and drinking. That's you whenever you go somewhere. That's what she reports live from the scene. She went, you know how people, you know, in retail jobs, they take their two weeks and they go all out. And it's all they talk about. It's all they talk about.

We got one postcard from her. It said, hi, I'm eating and drinking. And you know what? By the way, it's always people who work in retail. They're never going to like, they're never going to like the Turks and Caicos. They're going to like Norfolk Beach. I'm going to Myrtle Beach. I know she probably went to Old Orchard Beach in Maine or something. Branson. Always some weird shit like that. But she was eating and drinking. When I go to Milwaukee, I like to eat at my favorite local restaurants. Jimmy John's, Noodles and Company, and Qdopa.

My local haunts. Where did you take me? Where was that Dave and Buster's or Reba and Dingle? What was it? Oh, we went to Central in Milwaukee. That was good, I thought. It was great, yeah. It was great. High chairs. It was nice. Yeah, it was lovely. By the way, I'm going to do drugs. How much Molly did you do? I'm going to do drugs on this pod today. Let's do Molly.

I'm going to do Molly. Are you doing Molly? I'm rolling on Molly. I'm doing Molly. I'm going to roll on Molly. I'm tripping face and balls. I'm rolling my tits. I'm rolling my tits off. My tits are rolling up into my face, which is tripping on Molly. You know, it's a great way to never do Molly. See a person on Molly. And then you go, oh, that's horrible. Yeah. Because they're like, or K.

What is this fact? Do you get any? What do you think? No. And I don't think you get any K. Was I ever tell you the story about a certain drag race queen who said when I got on drag race, she said, listen, Trixie, when you go travel, don't drink, don't do drugs. The only thing you can trust is K.

The only thing you can trust is an unregulated animal tranquilizer at the gig. And let me tell you, from limited but powerful personal experience, you cannot trust nothing about Miss K. No, not Miss K. Not K-Mart. Not Mary K. Mary K. Mrs. K. I may be an animal, but I'm not trying to be tranquil. Also, I'm not trying to feel like I'm three feet to the left.

Which is exactly what K makes you feel like. I have done it once, actually, and it was on accident. And it was a long time ago. It was at a circuit party and Kim Chi gave it to me and it was on top of a lot of other drugs. Okay. So it was the 10 a.m.

P.S. to resist once after like a 12-hour bender Oh, whoa Yes, and I remember I did it with Kim sitting on the floor of a bathroom off her house key was you couldn't snort it Of course and her hair turned green and I said, I think we need to go to sleep now And that's when I got the sunburn from falling asleep on the roof of the building. Oh man. Hey, hi. Welcome to the ball I feel like what we used to do things together. It was I was always branding myself as like a

I've never. And then as the years go on. Yeah. It's becoming more and more apparent that you are the grizzled old. That I sold you your first dose. Yes. Like I act like I'm the Pinkman, but I'm the Walter White. Yes, you are. I'm not Jesse Pinkman. I'm Walter White. I don't know if that analogy works, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Basically, Trixie Mattel sold me my first bag of drugs. And here we are.

Listen, let's just sum it up. I used to work circuit parties. I've seen it all. I was just talking to our friend about these parties and there was one that I wanted to go to, but I was like, oh, Delta variant. But the other thing was like, oh, everybody's on a pill. Everybody's on a pill there. You don't go there without being on a pill or just drunk. The bar is selling water.

Yeah. The bar sells water and Red Bull. Yeah. I'm so naive when I first started working at Circuit Party. I was like, so many sober people here. Everybody's just drinking water. G and pills. Exactly. Yeah. But at least that's encouraging because they're being quote unquote responsible because mama, you do G or even GBL, which is a stronger version of GHB. GBL? Uh-huh. Is that like the VGL, the Varsity Gay League? There's exactly that. Wait a minute. Did I already talk about this? Did I tell you? Probably.

Do it again, though. I probably forgot. Oh, bitch, do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Did I tell you about the stand-up that I did on this show? Where the guy came up afterward and said... Oh, yes, but you gotta tell them. Okay. Well, obviously what we have here is a rapist in Lincoln Park. Remember Antoine Dodson on the news? Oh, oh, oh. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Hide your kids, hide your wife. Um...

I did stand up a few weeks ago just to, you know, it was like, it was like Winifred Sanderson picking up a spell book and going,

So good of you, by the way. So good of you, by the way. This is a very responsible, very, very, very upstanding artistic behavior. Well, you know, the real comics in LA do like three shows a night all the time. So the least we can do, people who do stand up for thousands of people can once in a while try out material. So then I go out and I do the stand up and somebody, I played volleyball. You know what? He might hear this. And you know what? I don't care if he does. Exactly.

Because he comes up and he goes after I did my set. And I'm not, listen, I'm modest. We all know I'm very modest. Humility. If I don't do a good job, I'm the first to say it. Yeah. But this is not one of those days. I let those women have it. Yeah, you killed it. And I was backstage shaking because I've known it so long. And I let those women have it. And I went out there and I walked out of there after the building's on fire for my jokes. A blaze, right? People were laughing. Their jaws unhinged with laughter. Yes. People were laughing so hard. They looked like that girl in the beginning of the ring. Like...

Like that green face. And I let those women have it. And then I go outside and afterward, I'm having my little celebratory cocktail with Brandon. And this guy I used to play volleyball with comes up and goes, that was so good. And I was like, thank you. He was like, you should like do comedy. And I was just so taken because I was like, I should wait. He was like, you should write down like everything you said tonight and make like a set out of it and like build a set. I was on stage with notes.

Do you think I made all that up in real time? I was flattered because he was being so earnest. He was like, it was so funny. But I was like, well, Mary, do you think we play kickball together that I've been a professional athlete this whole time? I mean, I'm obsessed with the assumption that you have just been a big-titted bimbo, just like a poor...

horn model just selling her tits and ass and brainless bimbo this whole time that like Pamela Anderson stumbled onto a stage and it's all of a sudden funny that is I'm obsessed with that he was like you should do comedy I'm like should I also do drag like should I try for drag race yeah

It was crazy. Have you ever had somebody because when you go see someone live, you want to compliment them. But when you compliment them to the point of letting them know that until that moment, you thought they were garbage. It's a slippery slope. Yeah. I've never received such a compliment. It usually is the other way. And they just decide not to say anything, which I'm grateful for. I don't believe that. I think. Well, they usually. Oh, well, no, I usually get. Oh, wow. You actually. Oh, it's you actually smell really good.

You actually smell good? Yeah. Yeah. I've got that hundreds of times. Hundreds of times. Wow. You actually smell great. What is it? 15 to 20 pumps of Tom Ford? I should hope so. 15 to 20. No, I upped it to Atkinson's. It's even like, yeah. Yeah. And you're on Accutane. So there's no body oil secretions. You have the Botox in the armpits. I mean, they're literally like, wow. I mean, and then sometimes they'll go further depending on how much they've, you know.

Yeah. You smell great. I thought you would smell like trash or like garbage. Disgusting. I figured you'd smell disgusting. Well, he also did give me the, like, we all know Katya was really funny, but you were great. But see, that's the thing. I'm not actually funny. Take the compliment. I'm going to take the compliment. Take the compliment. Especially in this format, though. I'm a funny person as like,

But you know what I mean? I'm not like, I don't do punch. You do stand up, but you do write jokes. Whatever, whatever. We're moving on. I wrote the movie Crossroads and I don't get credit for that either. Me and Shonda Rhimes. I downloaded the Shonda Rhimes masterclass for screenwriting. Did you?

Yes I did! But when did you download the Diplo DJ thing? No, that's next. You should. That's next. You really should. There's a few music production ones but I went, "Hi, I'm Shonda Rhimes and I want to teach you about screenwriting." And I was like, "Work, bitch." Jodie Foster teaches about directing, making a shot list. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Somebody else does, there's an acting one too. I think it's like Anna Paquin or some shit. It's, no, no, it's... It's like Rose Byrne or some shit. Nope, it's somebody else.

Titus Burgess. It's a woman. It's a woman. It's a white woman. Yes. Oh, it's not Anna Paquin. Oh my God. Who is it? I was going to say Anna Paquin can't act. Natalie Portman. Natalie Portman. Oh, my taunts are just, my taunts are just migrating. It's Natalie Portman. I mean, and I watched, I watched some of it. She's very compelling. I bet. Lovely, lovely gal. Give Me a Masterclass is acting too. Oh, love.

David Lynch does one on directing. Not directing, on imagination. RuPaul's, it's...

we paused. I looked up what it was. Cause we only know about, you want to make more money. And I looked at what it's actually about. And I think it's about like, um, finding your voice or something like that, which is like applicable to really anything. It's self, it's self help. Yeah. But I think it'd be, um, you'd have to either be truly the Beyonce of your field or living at high delusion to do a masterclass. Like,

Like, Srinagar Lara does a singing masterclass. Oh, my God. And I saw that I heard the scales. I was like, you know, I have preconceived notions of her just from all these stories, reputations, whatever. But then I just just listening to her go explain something vocally. And I was like doing the scales like, oh, wow, her instrument is fucking.

Fucking incredible. Well, here's the issue with that. Her instrument. Of course I love her music. That album Strip changed my life. Okay. It's like 18 tracks. My one album used to be really long. It's so good if you children who are 20 years old who like us, go listen to Christina Aguilera's album Strip. It's not a joke. But the problem is vocally she's like Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps could tell you about swimming, but he's born that way. Christina's born with that voice. And Masterclass isn't going to do that for you. However, Shonda Rhimes, I'm about to come up behind her and-

Snatch. Snatch your baby hairs. I'm going to watch her masterclass and then write Scandal 4, whatever her next thing is. Mary, you need to come up. You need to go behind Ryan Murphy and snatch him out of the picture because I've had about just enough. You have? I've had about just enough with the 14,000 franchises, American Horror Story, American Boo Boo Story, American Crime Story, American...

Canada story, American sports story, American love story, American horror story anthology, American... Did you see the trailer for American Crime Story? American Crime Story. American Love Story. Here's what I like about it. American Horror Stories. Uh-huh. It's fun because every chunk is its own thing. Mary. New stories. Honey. New actors. Sorry. That's every series.

But that's what I mean is now there's no attempt at continuity. There's no dental floss holding these stories together because they don't have to belong. Right, because they previously didn't. Yeah, like the first episode is about this girl. Do you know about the first episode of stories?

It's about this girl who's a teenager who has to choke people and kill them. And it's like, I wouldn't watch a season of that, but I love two episodes of it. Sure, sure, sure. And I found out about it because everybody thought that it looked just like Paris Jackson. Oh. Well, I just found out they have American Love Story, JFK and Jacqueline Bissette. What? Yeah, exactly. American Sports Story, A-S-S, funny, with...

Beanie Feldstein. Or I don't know who. This makes me think of that interview with Tyra and Beyonce where she's like, okay, Sasha Fierce. Masha Fierce. What's your favorite mashed potato? All right. Kasha Fierce. Do you like lean rice? Do you remember that interview? This makes me think of they're in a room going, okay, American hoarder story. That is.

interview is the perfect example of how unhinged Tyra is as an interviewer. Her talk show is...

They need to do American Tyra talk show. They just, Brian Murphy needs to focus on just going back to her talk show and make an episode, like a series out of that. I would love for Tyra to be an American Horror Story. Even if it's a small part. Well, anything. But you know, American Crime Story, the OJ Simpson one, I love that. Gobble that up. The Marsha Gay Harden wig? The Marsha Clark. Marsha Clark. People said that Evan, dear Evan Hansen,

Uh-huh. Wait, wait, wait. People are saying that Ben Platt, who's in Dear Evan Hansen with that wig on, is Marsha Clark. Is Marsha Clark.

Because the perm? The Jerry Carl perm? The perm. Yeah. But didn't you know that Sarah Paulson, there's so many. Also, Paulson, I want her to be like P-A-L-C-Y-N-N, Paulson. Okay. Recycle that Americanized version of that name and go weird. Go weird. Well, she did Hotel. She shot Hotel as Hypertermic Nancy or whatever, and then did Marcia Clark at night.

She did them back to back filming. I love Sarah Paulson. She is out of control. She's workaholic. Incredible. I don't remember if she won an Emmy for this, but I'm sorry. I know that Freak Show was not everybody's favorite. She played those conjoined twins and played them so differently that you knew which character it was without knowing if it was the right or the left. Yeah. She's great. Those were two different people. She's insane. Virtuoso. And Holland Tunnel.

Holland Tunnel. It's the only way to get from Newark to New York. We're going to take a break. The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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And we're back with Beanie Feldstein. Beanie. We're back.

You know, Beanie Feldstein is in... I'm not sure who this person is, but... She's in What We Do in the Shadows. Oh, we remember the girl in the second season who gets turned into a vampire and she dies in her dorm room. Yes! Oh, yes, she was great. And then she literally is getting pulled out on the gurney and sits up and starts on fire. Oh, that's great. She was fabulous. And then we find out her power is being invisible.

Oh, yeah. Because she has no vampire powers and we find out that she's invisible. Yeah, that's right. I think they just renewed that show ahead of the third season for another. Thank God. And I'm so excited about it. It's fantastic. Harvey...

Who plays Guillermo. They're like familiar who desperately wants to be a vampire. So funny. So fucking, all of them. All of them are so great. All of them. Is that Taika Waititi? No, in the movie it was. He directs. I think he like directs. And I think he was in the movie. Yeah. He's not in that. He is in the movie. He's so good in the movie. He's so great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see Old Yet, Bitch? Did you? No, you told me to watch it on here. I'm here. You have to watch Old Yet. I can't go to a movie theater. I'm too old. What are you talking about?

I haven't gone to a movie theater. Some bitch told me that old is the next Ma, and I was like, don't do that. I went to see Swan Song with Udo Kier and Jennifer Coolidge, about the old gay man in the small town who's a hairdresser. Phenomenal? Fierce. Phenomenal. I laughed my ass off. I cried. Oh, wow. So good. You have to see it. I will. I'll definitely see that. As a person of gayness who is maybe getting older. Aged? 60? It will touch you in places you didn't know were vacant. Yeah.

It makes you aware of dark books. It touched me in places I didn't know that hadn't fallen off. Yes, it is fierce. Well, Jennifer Coolidge recently, you fuck with that White Lotus? I don't watch anything, girl. Mary, Jesus Christ. But what I know is that the gays have forgotten Laura Dern, and now it's about Jennifer Coolidge again. No, this is, and it'll soon be Nicole Kidman again when some Nine Perfect Strangers comes up. If you're a woman and you're playing an eccentric woman,

older woman on a streaming service, you're going to be doing prides for about six months. And literally, you'll be online the discourses

Every gay person acts like you have never received any respect. You've never had a job before. I find that it's... You've never, like... It's like... It's insulting because Jennifer has had a long, busy career. She's a huge on career. Yeah. Maybe she's not like fucking Nicole Kidman who has three movies every six months, but like, you know. But Jennifer's saying we both really like soup, did more than Nicole Kidman's career ever did. There you go. I like Nicole Kidman. Of course, we all like Moulin Rouge, but how quickly we forget about the strangers and that hot crock of shit. I know.

Or born. Was she fucked the baby? What? Look it up. Fucks the baby. That seems like... Look it up. But you said old was horrible. Oh, it was perhaps one of the worst movies I've ever seen. No, it's definitely one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I wasn't bored for one second, though.

Yeah. And you need to see it because it's got big Ma energy. I'm into that. It has big Ma energy. It starts off with heavy-handed foreshadowing of the sort that's like, not even patronizing, it's insulting. Well, I mean, in the trailer, don't you get the entire plot of the film? Yes. So we know exactly what this movie is about. There is a beach which makes people old. In the car ride to the vacation place, they're like, I can't wait to see what you sound like when you're old.

I'm like, oh my God. I hope you look right at the camera. I can't wait to see what you sound like when you're old. It's, I mean, it's, it's, but there are so many things that happen that are so out of control all the time. You will, you'll die. Especially there's this one girl with calcium, her calcium deficiency and Mary, her, I, you just have to see it. Calista Flockhart. She turns, she looked like her. She's all sickly. And then she like turns into this crazy crab lady. Boniva, Sally Fields. Yes. Yes.

Boniva. I'm not going to help you on that. Nina Boniva Brown. Nina Boniva Brown. It was all the thought all along. Still never watched that either. I don't even know what that is. My knowledge of television comes from when we work at Netflix and Twitter memes. Yeah. Yeah. For real. I gobbled up the White Lotus. I gobbled it up. You loved it?

I liked it. But I think I have this thing now. I need a Sunday night chunk. I'm firmly entrenched in this Sunday night must-see TV bullshit. I'm firmly entrenched. If I don't have it, I feel like I just go nuts. That's why I've been watching this French series for the fourth time in a row. And you think that that's a sign of not going nuts? It's keeping me from more nutty things. It's keeping me from going down to the public pool and letting them kids have it. Well, there was a turd in a suitcase on this episode of The White Lotus. Yes, there was.

turd in his suitcase. And you sure did see him poop it out. You know what? I'm being a complete liar because...

All the television I've watched in the past year, I probably watched more television this year than anything, but it's all, it's, it's retribution for things I didn't see younger. Oh yeah. So top model, all that kind of shit. But now I'm doing Reno 911. Oh, which is, yeah. So good. So good. You, you have, I'm going to find, I have the box set DVD. They don't, I don't think they have that released of the state. All those people, Carrie Kenny, Thomas Lennon, Michael Ian Black, all those people, they'd had a troop like a kids in the hall style troop on MTV back in way before.

probably in the 90s and they did that thing called The State for a couple of seasons and it is so funny it is so bizarre and you'll love it I'll find that it's on TVT Reno 911 is getting me together yeah Wendy McClane and Covey girl so beautiful so gorgeous so fucking funny I know she's supposed to play that kind of a character that's kind of like slutty looking but you can't fuck with that face and the tits and the hair that's what I want to be every line is scream funny yeah

And that fucking woman. Carrie Kenny. I think her name is Carrie Kenny. Weigel, who plays Deputy Weigel. Yeah, she is hysterical. I was watching an episode where she was in a school and she said, doesn't matter how weird your voice is or if you smell bad or how pretty you are, every single one of you is going to be raped. Trying to prepare them for the world.

And what I like about it is like they're horrible. Yeah, horrible. But they're portraying like cops as stupid. Which is great. So they're portraying cops as like inept, dumb, power tripping, racist, horrible. Yeah, which. Homophobic. Yeah. And so you laugh at them, but you also sort of hate them. Which is, yeah, it's good. It's cathartic as a civilian. I love that show. It's great. Anyway, back to Blue's Clues at 9. Yeah.

So Nina West is doing a Disney number. Nina West was at Disney and she got to sign her name in the Book of the Beast. Did you see that? They have like a celebrity book at Disney that has like a glass case. Is this a Sabrina thing? It's a book that celebrities come sign their name in. A-list celebrities. And you sell your soul to Bob Iger and then you have a... I don't know what happens, but she signed her name in it and I think it's a big deal. I don't know.

The sun's coming out and it's sunny day. I'm putting on my shoes. Everything's okay. I love life and you should too. Will you be my friend? Should we talk about Afghanistan? We shouldn't. We shouldn't.

I have to. Is Matt Damon saying bag again? Oh, obsessed. No, I think we're done with that. We talked about that already. I think we talked about that. Yeah, unfortunately. Your eyebrows are growing back. Oh, yeah. It's a fun little trick. Well, I forgot my pencil and I was all stressed out. Are you going to go back to gluing them? No. Because they're like growing back, growing back. Yeah, they grow. Oh. They grow. You just haven't done drag in a while. I just haven't done, yeah, I haven't done drag. I haven't done drag in quite a while, actually. We have Netflix tomorrow. We have Netflix tomorrow. I've been, I just sold a whole my shit.

Denies the hole. You sold a hole and your shit. Thoughts on people who kiss with their eyes closed? Nope. Thoughts on people who kiss with their eyes open? Okay, I've done both. What are you looking for? Well, I'm looking to see what they're doing. Their eyes are open. You open your eyes to see if their eyes are open, and they are. Yeah.

What's your recourse? Stare back? No, bite their lip. What? And then whisper, why are your eyes open? I think that would be it. Do you think it's just because people like us are so gorgeous that they can't close their eyes? They're just mesmerized. Oh, yeah, that's funny. Yeah, I mean, that's a great question, actually. What are you looking for? Just looking around. Listen, we're very visual creatures. What if there's a noise or a knife dangling? You know, you've got something, there's something on the stove or... What was your first kiss? Who would play her?

Was it with a boy? No, it was a girl. It was a girl. I remember her first and last name. You do? I do, yeah. Do you want to say it? No. But who would play her? So who would play her? It would be Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Oh, hot babes, hot California babes. Italian though. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Meadow from The Sopranos. Oh, work. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Andrea. Andrea. Her name was Andrea. And yeah. And then Jenny. Jenny. She went to and we were dating. She went to Lexington Christian Academy. She left public school uniform. Yeah. She had to go wear a uniform. Yeah. I had gone to public school. We we we kissed. She was very tall. Six inches taller than me at that point. Swing over her shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. Call me. What is the first time you kissed a boy? Fuck. Who was it?

It must have been... Who would play him? Oh, Christian Slate. Really? Oh, my God. Wow, you were doing really well for yourself. Oh, I did well. After when I hit 22. So when you went gay, you went hard. I mean, yeah, this was like, I mean, I was still a girl. I was still a very he-she androgynous kind of like, you know. But, yeah, he was just... I'm still in love with him. I'm going to be one of those old bald bottoms. That's so sad.

You know what I mean? You're supposed to get older and transition into a top. Into what? Are you really? You're supposed to transition into a top and then start fucking 20-year-olds. No, no. And I'm going to be some old, bald faggot. You're going to pay some hunky dude to put some Trimix in his dick and just stab at your pastrami swamp. I guess. Your gray puddle. That's going to happen. I think-

All right, let's get into it. We can't make it through a pod without a health checkup. We're going to take a break. When we come back, I am going to play nurse and we're going to find out what the BP is on Miss TM. Okay, well, are you sitting down? What's the prognosis? It's great. It's slightly elevated. I'm going to just Google my little thing here for a second. So you are 137 over 87, which is great.

I think technically a teeny bit death to all of them. Yeah, a teeny bit. I'm shooting for about, that was my stomach. I'm shooting for about 128 because that's the BPM to Disco Inferno. I heard somebody say burn it and burn it. It's elevated. It's high blood. It's technically high blood pressure, but. I'm just a little nervous. Yeah. And your pulse is good. 63, I think. Resting heart rate. Good for you. Hey. Nothing to worry about here. I ran 12 miles on Saturday. Work diva.

Why not? Why not? It was a little hot in Milwaukee, but it was nice. How was the weather? Lit. It was so lit. Nice and cool. Visited my family, met the newborn baby, held it, touched it. A lot of hair. Oh my God. Three packs of Yaki weave at this point. Yeah. 13 minutes of holding. And then it started to cry and I gave it back. And then I kind of just looked at it. 13 minutes. My sister said that it keeps pooping while she's changing the diaper. Isn't that fierce? And get this. The baby was rapidly losing weight.

Because the baby is lactose intolerant. What? Already? The baby was throwing up breast milk. So the baby has to drink special formula that's not lactose at all. Isn't that crazy? The baby was getting thinner at birth. We are related. Oh, my God. She takes that for me. Meanwhile, my sister's baby is the size of a house. It's like, what, three months? He's already, I think, 120 pounds.

- Different babies. - Different babies, different lives, different worlds. - The baby coming out with dietary restrictions, diva behavior. - Diva, that's high maintenance. - This titty milk is not good enough for me even though I was in you four weeks ago. - That Gerber, there's gluten in that, so get that out of my face. - Is that Gerber gluten free?

Do you like the baby? And then get this. I go to my mom's house, right? It's my birthday. They surprise me. Dirt cake. Eat about a gallon of that. That's the crumblies with the worms and the whip? Yes, it's like whipped topping, vanilla pudding, cream cheese, and powdered sugar, I believe. It's really just like a big white gooey mess. It's disgusting. A white gooey mess. Your calling card. My calling card. So I'm eating that, and then we're having food and all that.

My mom, back on the weed. My mom, back on the weed. Turnt the whole time. Turnt the whole time I'm there. Is she token? No, Gooch, now that I bought them a house and they have a yard, Gooch likes to sit outside, drink beers, and then when they're done, crush the can and throw it into the yard. She loves it. And she heard the can hit the ground and she goes, I love that sound. And she said, I miss doing that. Isn't that fierce? I love that. I love that.

I can't get enough of that. And then my sister, my sister Desiree drinking a cocktail out of a glass jar that looks like a skull talking to us at length about her Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Mary. It's a Motley Crue down there. I gotta get into that. And I was out there reading. Yeah. I was out there reading. I was letting everyone have it. My mom goes, well, you know, I'm going to go to the doctor and they're going to help me quit smoking. I go, oh really? Almost dying two years ago. Almost.

Almost dying two years ago on Christmas. Didn't convince you? Really? I looked right at my mom. She was in the middle of making a cheesy roux. What the f- It's like a roux that you add cheese to. It's like a cheese sauce. She was making that. And in the kitchen, my mom has an office chair so she doesn't have to stand while she's cooking. So this bitch is goddamn four foot two and she's cooking and when she's done over here, she uses her little legs to rocket herself across the kitchen.

God forbid. Do another counter. God forbid she get up and maybe do a little. Girl, I looked right at her and I said, you need to go to the doctor to get a prescription to quit smoking. I said, do you ever think that people in this family need to start taking responsibility for their own lives? And then my mom had a job. You are a boss baby. You are a boss baby. If I have to play hardball. You go hard. Yes. My mom, she has one of those jobs where she calls people in the area and lets them know where they can get vaccinated. Stay at home job. She saves lives. Sedentary though. Yes. Sedentary. And she says a lot of these older people

Milwaukee has a lot of low-income areas. A lot of these people are like, no, the government's going to put a zombie inside me. And I was like, mom? And my mom goes, well, you know, these people, they don't have access to funds, so they're getting misinformation. I said, let me stop you right there. To say that the poor only have access to bad information is to say that the rich have always good information. Let me tell you, they don't. Because I was at the smoke shop down the street.

And there was the owner and this guy who was clearly not low income because he's got his fucking G-Wagon idling outside. They're both having a very impassioned conversation about how

Bill Gates has built about a 15 million acre swath of something in the middle of the country. South Africa is already using the technology, the 5G that's implanted in our things to take control of our site. I was like,

I know we're supposed to be like bipartisan and we're supposed to like, you know, like four years ago has made me the worst person. Like, cause I, when Michelle Obama would be like, when they go high, Nope. When they go low, we go high. And now I'm like,

Fuck those people. Santino Rice the other day on Twitter. The world of information is on your phone. And what do you choose to find? Some Reddit article that corroborates that you don't believe in a vaccine? Women in Afghanistan won't be able to leave their homes and you refuse to get a vaccine. You will take, Mary, these people at the smoke shop, especially, I was like, honey, you are smoking cigarettes, probably doing coke, doing all this other stuff that's on Black Mark. You don't know what's in that. You don't know what's in a Tylenol.

You don't even know it's in the Tylenol. You don't even know it's in that thing you just ate this morning. This is not, this has never been the COVID podcast. It's so crazy. The other crazy thing is I don't want to take a vaccine because I don't believe in the government or science. But then when you get COVID, where do you go? To see the doctors. The fucking hospital and you beg for the fucking vaccine as you're dying and the nurse is saying there's not enough time. Sorry, bitch. Mary, if I was a doctor, I would have got my license snatched away because the reading I would have been doing, I would have said,

I have one more picture of this envelope. I have one more syringe of the vaccine in my hands. Bethany, you're still in the running to be alive. And the other person, I would go, didn't I find a tweet of you saying that we can't trust the vaccine? And now you're here asking me, a doctor, to help you. Tell you what, bitch, why don't you go in the parking lot and play on your phone and go on Reddit and see if someone can help you. Fucking crazy, man. The conspiracy theory stuff is...

There's so much access to good information. So I don't feel bad for these people. And also, I mean, it's not that there's like science is an ongoing... Science is a scientific process. There's a scientific method. It's a way of finding out information, right? It's not like a thing. But it is changing and whatever, whatever. But I mean, Mary, look at our government. Those fucking lazy pieces of shit ain't got...

They don't got it together enough to like implant shit in our bodies. You know what I mean? Also, you already watch TV, which is ultimate brainwashing. You already have this. Get real. You already have this. All your information is already stolen, bitch. I'm so tired. Imagine how tired we are.

I used to be like, no, convince your great aunt to get... I'm like, fuck her. It's crazy. If she doesn't want to help herself, what? Then when Santino popped off on Twitter the other day, I was like, unbelievable. Well, we're surprised because we have a lot of colleagues who get wild. Yeah, but he's been... We've had... I, myself included, and we have colleagues who have bursts of wildness due to certain factors, but he has maintained this consistent sort of like...

Just obnoxious zeal about health and wellness. Which that I love. Oh, you do? I mean, talking about like exercise and meditation and fruits. They're talking screaming with a megaphone. Screaming with a megaphone. The method of taking care of your body through food and exercise we love. Of course we do. But the hard left of what he tweeted the other day. He tweeted, don't ever, ever get the COVID vaccine. This is where we're going to be. Have a nurse or pharmacist squirt it on the floor for you. I was like, what now?

And then let your body heal, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, who cares, whatever. That's what I don't understand. How the fuck are you that stupid? I know there's a lot of misinformation, but when this Spanish flu happened, nobody knew anything. Mary, it was those mumps and Bella, typhoid fever, smallpox, all that. I mean, da, da, da, da, da. People, hundreds of years ago, people used to stub their toe and then die. You know, like from antibiotics, bitch. Small cuts would lead to infections that would kill a person.

I mean, let's be honest though, most of the people are conservative.

And it becomes about dying on a hill and being right. It doesn't become about facts. No, no, no. Because there's also the goop set. There's also the super ultra liberal rich insulated. Like the Jenny McCarthy. The Jenny McCarthy. The people who are anti-vax, anti... I said that really quietly. I said that nobody would hear. I said nobody would hear. I said, if you say Jenny McCarthy really quietly, there's no way they should know it's us. Do you know why we have to be careful? Because we can never talk about anyone without these whores adding them on Twitter. Well, whatever. If we talk shit about...

She deserves to be dragged if she's, you know what I mean? Yeah, but we don't deserve to hear from her. But we don't have to hear from her. Nobody calls my home telephone number. You know why? Because I don't have a home telephone. I know.

I'm ready for a landline. You know the people in LA are getting landlines. You know about this? No. Bitch, people are looking up the exact make and model of the phone they had as a kid, like the phone and receiver from their bedroom from middle school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're buying it on eBay and then getting a landline and then just giving that to their closest friends so that they can hear and feel the exact sensation of being on the phone when they were like 12.

I was a big phone talker on the phone. How much cord did you need? Oh, we had, for the good half of it, we had a cord. We had a long cord in the kitchen. A cord that touches the ground? Long, long. It was hung on the wall. And then that fucking bitch, you could go all the way around. Oh, yeah. So she was a good stretchy cord. But then we had the cordless. But then you couldn't find it. And then they made the technology to buzz it so you could find it. Oh, my God. What a nice story. Ha!

I was, I mean, cordless phones were cool. Yeah. I mean, Drew Barrymore and Scream, right? I think I liked my cordless phone more than I liked my first cell phone. Well. Imagine an iPhone being your first cell phone. My first cell phone was that horrible Nokia. What's Nokia doing? But you know what though? You know what though? Let me tell you about that. Never one dropped call. Never one. I had dropped calls, but I lived in the country country. Really? But like, remember texting being 10 cents? Yeah.

I remember the T9. First thing I did with that phone. Phone sex with an old man on the internet. First thing. First thing. First thing. I remember, Audrey Snois, the Baroness from Belgium, she had a Nokia that was this big.

Pink. I mean, Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels or whatever. Or Drew Barrymore, I think. I'm ready to let this go and truly get a thimble. Like the tiniest little phone. Well, they have the light phones, I think. Maybe this is a conspiracy. I don't know if this is true. We can look it up. It's called a light phone. It's maybe for post-

So it's not like going back. It's like you'll get GPS, you'll get calls and texts, but no internet. So no like scrolling. And it's excellent service. I could just be making this up. I hope I'm not. But that's a trend among like people who are trying to combat. Do you miss flipping? Do you miss that? I never. I had one Samsung flip and I don't necessarily miss. I never had a Razr. I almost also missed the flipping open.

Oh, I never did that. This is not a phone thing. It's a video game thing, but I really like it when they go, PlayStation. This isn't it either. I just want to hear the song, you guys. I think we should move on. No, I'm doubling down. Original.

What? What? That t-shirt. Oh, Molly, you in danger, girl? It's fierce, right? Sam Wheat. Say it. Sam Wheat. Whatever. Let us know on Twitter. Remember that song? It was like... Do you remember that, Mark? And also, let us know if you like PlayStation. PlayStation. That's a PlayStation commercial. I know. It's the way that they say the brand name. You know, kids now are like, if you don't get me a PlayStation 5 for Christmas, Mom, I'm ending it all. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I felt that way about my ring watch and my pocket TV. Why was a ring watch a thing? It was a thing for very little. It wasn't really a thing. Did you have the black and white pocket TV? I sure did. It's so stupid. It's the size of a credit card. It's so stupid. It did not work at all. It was a pointless piece of temporary technology. Unless you...

It was so fucking stupid. It was so stupid. Yeah, I remember using it like going into the treehouse and taking it into the treehouse and watching TV on it. What? Maybe three channels shittily with black and white. Yeah, it's bad. It's bad. My TV went out for two days, so I had to read books this week. What did you read?

I read a book, so I started this book on sleep and another on dopamine. Science books. You should read Doctor Sleep. Oh, I can't. No. You wrote it. You wrote the book. No, and I was still going to read Night Bitch. Oh, Night Bitch. Night Bitch, which Eden recommended. That's where Amy Adams is going to turn herself into a dog soon. Yeah, so that's fun. But I watched Suicide Squad twice.

And I just have to tell you, I lived. It's incredible. I, Margot Robbie, Margot fucking Robbie. Margot Marie Robbie. Margot Elizabeth Jane Marie Filipina Robbie. Who's on the pod next week. Yeah, she's on the pod. It's not true. She's the most beautiful fucking woman in the goddamn world. And she's so talented and she's so beautiful. And I want to be her. I don't want to be like her. I want to be her.

I want to take this husk of a body and erase it. Do you think that she wants to be you? No, that's irrelevant. Because in this scenario, I don't trade places with her. I simply become her. Another one of her or her, her, her, her. So what happens to her? Nothing. She becomes. Isn't she going to tell people that? No, because there's going to be a little pocket of her subconscious that I'm going to sit there in a bubble in a little scooter.

Just like, Oh, you're driving her body in this scenario. Nope. I'm just cruising through. So you physically become her, but then you also get in her brain and be her. Exactly. It's being John Malkovich. That's it. Being Margot Robbie. Yeah.

Being Margot Robbie. She is. And you know what I said to David? Robbing Margot Robbie. Because David, you know, knows everything about all the movies. And I said, now that she's like known as a serious, serious actress, you know, I, Tanya, she produced that and all that. I was like, do you think she is mad that she still sees superhero movies? Because I don't think people necessarily think that that's like...

And he goes, no, she loves it. She talks about it in interviews. She loves being Harley Quinn. And I was like, good, because I like her being Harley Quinn. And I would hate to find out she didn't like being Harley Quinn. I saw a red carpet interview with her the other day. And first of all, it took me several full seconds just to process this. Because you thought it was me. I was like, oh, is that...

fucking woman is so beautiful it's and the acting the glam like the red carpet glam I was like and the acting she's such a good actor I mean she's Australia girl Australia I Tanya is what four years old I probably watch it

Twice a year. Yeah. Kiss me together every single time. And I am not the type of person to like that Harley Quinn character. That is a tough character for me to sell me on. And she sells it to me every single time. I went and went back and watched the other Birds of Prey. She's fucking phenomenal. She's phenomenal. No controversial. Yeah. Brave people should have liked Birds of Prey more, but they didn't because it's a movie by women for women about women.

I agree. Marvel people are like, where's the man? Did it not have... It didn't get the positive response that I think it should have. Okay. Because it's great. It's fantastic. The whole opening scene of her hungover trying to get an egg sandwich. And then the scene of her going into the police station with confetti cans. I mean, hysterical. She works their asses. With glitter and smoke bombs. So fierce. So fierce, yeah. And I think Harley Quinn could be a really...

It makes me think of like every drag queen at Halloween. I say that as someone who was Poison Ivy once. Yes. But. Yes. She makes it like nuanced enough that it's like on the surface funny, but she plays crazy so well. She plays crazy. I don't want to say crazy. Mentally ill. She makes a psycho sympathetic. Yes. Yeah. You get the sense that she thinks she's doing the right thing. Also, the giant starfish monster was so cool. Yeah.

Creepy. I just, the only problem I like, I actually just didn't like the color of the starfish. You wanted a chocolate starfish? No, I wanted it. I wanted it to be gray and actually, yes, I guess I wanted it to be gray and brown. You wanted a butthole, a big butthole. I didn't want it to be like a, like a kid's toy. It looked like a kid's toy.

I like that. Or like any other color. John Cena cracked my shit up. He always does. He always does. And let's be honest, can I be vulnerable? I paused the movie to jerk off when he was in his underpants. He is so beautiful. I paused the movie on that when he was in his underpants and I took out my weenie, which was already hard. And then I masturbated.

I had my weenie. - He might listen to the pod, he follows me on Twitter. - I took down my pants and the movie was paused while his under, but-- - I understand, I don't need the, I feel like you're drawing out a very simple sentence. You jerked off. - When John Cena came on the screen, I jerked off. - You're like, I took this hand. - Yeah. - He's gorgeous and he's so funny and everything. - He's funny, he's great, yeah. - And I told Nicole, I was like, did you know that he follows me on Twitter? And she goes, he follows everyone. - Nicole Richie? - Nicole Byer. - Oh. - 'Cause they do Wipeout together.

Oh, he's one of those people that has like false like 50,000 people. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe Sharon Stone, who also follows me. No, I know. We just realized. Sharon Stone follows me on Twitter. I'm going to look at that up right now because that actually is like, although because I did a recent I recently did like a dive back into her, her whatever, whatever. I did a YouTube dive into Sharon Stone stuff. Casino, Basic Instinct. You know what else? Movies, female driven superhero movies that don't get enough cred.

I liked Catwoman and everybody can suck it. I liked it. Okay. What camera do I look into? There's three. I'm going to try this one. That is fine. You can like anything you want. Can I say this? You can like anything. If the movie was that quality though and it starred men, people would have liked it more. I think there was some anti-women review of it. That's absolutely true in terms of the reception and reaction. If it were men, it would have been forgotten immediately. It wasn't the Green Mile.

It would have been forgotten immediately. Yeah. Forgiven. It was Catman, Catman, what? And there would have been some kind of like pity nominations. Forgotten. Erased. But you got Sharon Stone, Frances McConroy,

The voice of the mom from Family Guy, what's her name? Alex Borstein? Alex Borstein. Alex Borstein. Yeah. It's a great cast. It is a fucking shit ass. Francis McComber is saying, you are a cat woman. Shit ass script in boo-boo acting. Well, it's no Michelle Pfeiffer. And let's face it, Sid, your mom was no Sharon Stone. No.

And fucking hold on Sharon Stone. Yeah, David called me at the airport and goes Sharon Stone follows you He always knows what random only follows a thousand one thousand forty people For a while the Spice Girls followed 50 people and I was one that's incredible the Spice Girls When did she follow you? How do you find that out? Look through her follower list bitch. Oh, she's been following you for a minute What hold on hold on. Let me just make sure

Since 2004. Wait a minute. She doesn't? She doesn't follow you anymore. Are you lying? David said she did two days ago. I think I can check on my phone. David said she was in an interview where she says she loves to follow people on Instagram. And then he checked to see if she follows me and she did. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'll check. Check because... It says follow back. Okay. Okay.

You don't follow her? No. Oh, wait, on Instagram. I'm on Twitter. Oh, yeah. I guess I'll follow her. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm going to follow. You didn't follow her back. Are you out of your mind? I'm sorry. What the fuck? I'm sorry. Oh, do it. Do it now. Do it fucking now. Jesus Christ. Did you do it? The relief. Let's see if she ever DM'd me. She didn't. Hi, Sharon.

Wow, she looks great. I loved her. You know why I loved Catwoman? I didn't love it. I liked it. The villain being a tycoon of a beauty company. Yeah, but it wasn't. It was the guy. She was the face of it. When her face cracks? Yeah, she was kind of like a co-villain. It was really her husband. That movie fucking sucks huge turds of shit out of my fucking ass. Let's move on. You hate women. You hate women. I hate it.

Listen, I would watch... You gotta watch. I would watch Margot Robbie do pretty much anything. At this point, I think I've loved everything I've ever seen her in, including Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

She was so good. That scene in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood where she is Sharon Tate going to the movies to see her own movie and she's like, I'm in the movie and then she's sitting watching people laugh. It's, I almost cried from that. I did cry. It's so charming and delightful and it's so, yeah, and there is a lot of, I remember in the reviews and stuff she got a lot of, or there were people who brought up, oh, she has like no lines. It's like,

you know it's she was untreated fairly it wasn't like she was underused and all this stuff I thought she every single she's like the main thing I remember every single moment that she's on screen is magnetic I mean she's so magnetic she inhabits and it's so tough Sharon Tate was in the movie that she was watching yeah

And she still embodied it so much that it didn't take me out of it. No, it's so good. And I mean, she's so good in I, Tonya. They will never remove that from the flights on Delta. So usually on a flight, I'll be like, I'll put this on. She turns a fucking party. I cry every time when she does a triple axel. In Suicide Squad, do you remember that red dress? Yeah. The wedding dress? Yeah. I like. There are your tea. I just bought one from Brooklyn Heights. You need a javelin. Yeah. Maybe something smaller.

That can travel with. Sorry, you need Walker. A walker with spikes. Texas Ranger, yeah. So you think, oh, yeah, we should go. Thank you for joining us. Next week, we're going to do a deep dive into Marco Robbie's high school theater career. Panty drawer, yeah. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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