Boofing a Sangria in Anaheim with Trixie and Katya
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This episode is brought to you by Ritual. If there's one thing I remember from my sixth grade health class, it's that we as humans all poop. It's the one thing that we all have in common. And I'm going to assume that just like me, you feel a whole lot better when you go on a regular basis. With Symbiotic Plus from Ritual, you can finally throw away the stress of emergency number twos and find the inner peace you've always sought by pooping predictably.

What is Synbiotic Plus, you may be asking yourself? Well, let me tell you about this little magical object that will make your BMs stupendous. It's a 3-in-1 clinically studied pre-, pro-, and postbiotic containing strains LGG and BB12 that supports healthy regularity. Plus, you can finally live your life without the constant worry of gas, bloating, and diarrhea. This daily 3-in-1 prebiotic, probiotic, and postbiotic features two of the world's most clinically studied probiotic strains to support gut and digestive health.

It's designed with a delayed-release capsule to help reach the colon, not the stomach, an ideal place for probiotics to survive and grow. All it takes is one daily mint-scented capsule for simple, streamlined gut support. Plus, it's vegan-friendly and formulated without GMOs, major allergens, animal products, shady fillers, and artificial colors. Be like me and poop on the regular before leaving the house to conquer the world gas-free.

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Universal. And I haven't been since probably pre-COVID. Universal, the theme park in Burbank, California. It's fine. It's fine. You have a little frozen, you know, drink at the place. Can I just say, I hadn't previously been on the new Jurassic Park ride.

Did you love it? It's fucking scary. It's terrifying. Yeah, it's pretty. And you know I'm not thrilled with animatronics. And those fuckers were close. They were coming in hot. The second one, the one right before you go down, it was punty. Oh my God, I froze. It made me want to throw up. It was good. They were scary far away. And then I realized how close. We were almost reaching distance to them. And there's like. It gave me like the.

But it's a beautiful little boat ride at the beginning. Yeah, before things pop off. Before you go up the thingy and then you go down the thingy. It's a really lovely scenic route. It is. It's like a gondola ride in Italy. Or Eataly. We got to talk about Eataly. Because I went to Italy last week for the first time. Eataly. Oh, Italy. We went to Italy. And the branding of Eataly, the name Eataly...

Give them the marketing award. It tells you exactly what's going on. No, take away their license. This is food that is in the style of Italy. And since you're going to eat it, it's Italy. I kind of live for it. It kind of makes perfect sense. It's hard.

I guess it's like the Rainforest Cafe. But that tells you that there's a fake rainforest. Yeah. It's also very unclear if it's a restaurant with entrees or just like coffee and pastries. I guess what's the USA? Like United Bates of America, where you know it's going to be baiting, but America themed. Baiting? Baiting. Like masturbating? Baiting. What about, before I talk about Universal some more.

I think we have to wait. We got to do away with baiting baiters. Are you a baiter or a group of baiters? We're going to go bait. Did you edge my master baiting? Such a long word that we have to clip it. We got to circumcise it. Bait. Did you edge my grandma in the skippity toilet all the way to Ohio? You're not a level 10 gooner. You have no riz. Your grandma's are all dead, right? Did you munt my grandma in Ohio?

So I, well, the only connection I have to this. Do you know what these words mean? So, so the, my, so the only thing is the only connection I felt like is month month is the same as month.

No, it's different. It's a different word. No, no, no, no, no, no. So I was like, munt, that sounds familiar. And also it's being used in a way that sounds very disgusting and inappropriate. So I looked it up. Yes, it is absolutely sucking the dead juice out of a recently dead body. Is it really? Yeah, yeah. So munt, mong, same thing. That was my connection to this Gen A brain rot crap. Anyways, back to Universal. Okay, so Jurassic World's so scary. Yeah.

Yeah. It was so scary. Those dinosaurs were scary. Did you go to- The drop is scary. The drop is scary. Did you go to Mario World? Maybe. I had not been in there. And you know, I play video games, but I'm not like a Mario gooner. I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went in there. Loved it. They don't really prepare you for the escape of it when you walk in. It's very big. It was incredible looking. I was on my phone. Okay. You know, thanks, Obama. Texting, walking, not paying attention. Thanks, Sleepy Joe. Right? Thank you, Nancy Pelosi. I'm sending a text. Yes, mom. Love you too. Whatever. I look up. I look at the Super Mario World. And if anybody's been there, you know this feeling. It was like,

Whoa. They really did that. They really did that. And then the Mario Kart ride, I don't see her. So that's what I see her at all. I don't, I didn't experience that because we went into the Mario world and in five minutes, the thing was closing and I was so disappointed. It didn't get on the ride, but I guess if it sucked, who cares? It sucked.

It just wasn't giving what it needed to be giving. What did it do? You have this visor on. Oh, fuck off. And you're driving around in a fake car and you're firing shells. It's dumb. No. But obviously, you know, Princess Peach was coming out and I didn't get to see her. But, you know, I'm gay. Being in front of Princess Peach's castle was so cool. I skipped Transformers because I hate that ride. Transformers was...

Oh, it's the one where it's... It's like robots. They're transforming. I think I'm confusing... I might be confusing the rise of Disney World with Universal now. So The Mummy, I love it. Mummy 8. Yeah. Love it. It's kind of over all of a sudden though. Kind of over all of a sudden. It's like 90 seconds. It's crazy. It launches you and then you're backwards and then you watch an eclipse happen and they're like, thank you for writing The Mummy and you're like, but what was the narrative here?

There was a mummy and that's it. What else? Oh, the Simpsons ride. I liked it. You didn't like that? You hated it? Are you out of your mind? It's not a real ride. That is the most violent.

Actually making me sick ride, but it doesn't even go anywhere. It's all it's all video Mary I had one leg up I had one hand on this one hand on the wall and one leg on the head But the person in front of me just trying to fucking keep the baby. Do you mean it was so? Violent and crazy you almost gathered that baby into the skivvity toilet I was losing it and I just halfway through it every time there was like a bump I go But it it hurt

That right hurts. Really? It hurts people. It hurts family. It hurts family. Tears them apart. I'm watching Gypsy Rose Blanchard Life After Lockup. Because I got sick, so I had to start watching TV. I know, but I need you to... I've watched more TV this week than I have in six months. I need you to... Oh, it's just wet. Never mind. You want me to throw a neck for ketchup? So Gypsy Rose Life After Lockup. Wait, why? Why? Why? The show...

Because we have a right to know. The show starts with her leaving prison. Okay. They literally, cameras at prison. Her first scene in her own show is her getting out of fucking jail for the first time and going to a hotel. The D is fire, right? She's having sex. She's shopping for shoes. No, no. It's not that kind of, it's not kind of that kind of film.

And, you know, knowing what we know in the media now, she's not with that gentleman. So you're kind of watching the show being like, ooh, I think they break up. Yeah. Because she's pregnant with someone else now. And in the show, we're watching her beat with her first husband now. So it's really wild. Is it exploitative? I mean. She's a willing participant. Not more than other reality programs. Sure.

Sure. It's and we're watching her live a completely different experience than you and I will ever have. I know. Which is being famous for that. For killing your mom. And being famous before, during and after your prison sentence. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So unique. And so you cannot but watch because I thought the show would sort of exploit her. I thought they would kind of make her seem kind of like. A nutcase. Yeah.

Yes, but watching it, I'm going to be honest, you really go, God, I've never endured that level of abuse. I've never done what she did. I've never married out of jail. All these things, I've never had a feeding tube against my will. I've never had, there's all these things where like, I'm watching, but I can't really judge her because I've certainly never been in her shoes. She's so unrelatable. Really? Yeah. And so in some ways she is so young still. How old is she? 25 maybe, 26. Wow. I think, right? Yeah.

I think they're just watching porn on those laptops. Oh, there you go. Even I infantilized her. She's only two years younger than me. How long was her prison sentence? I think it was a good eight years, wasn't it? Eight years? Because she didn't know she was like 22. Remember that was the whole thing? Her mom was lying about her age. She got out early from 10.

And so the show is like, I've never seen, can I tell you this? I've never seen a show where someone has to openly on camera talk about the restrictions of parole. She gets out of jail and she has to report to her new parole officer in Missouri or whatever. So for her to be on the phone crying because one parole officer is telling her you need to go now. And the other parole officer in the other state's like, no, we don't need you here till Tuesday. And she's sobbing because she's like, if I mess this up at all, I'm going back to jail for a year and a half.

And so the stakes are very high because she like has no belongings. She has to get out of jail and be taken to like a carnival shoes just to get a first, her first pair of shoes. Like, and the cameras are following. It's so wild. And she really wants a dog.

But she's fighting a lot with her husband because she's talking to her ex who wants to get back together with her. I hope they're paying her a lot of money. Sometimes when I get sick, this is what kind of TV sucks me in. I need you to, I know, but when you do go on your break, I really, really, really need you to get into Game of Thrones. Okay, but that's what's going to happen. I started on some other quality television that I think you should watch. I don't watch a lot of TV. The Righteous Gemstones? Yes. When you and I do, I like to watch. That is the most TV I watch all month.

It's a lot of, it feels like forever. Yeah. Especially with you. And Righteous Gemstones was amazing. Really? I'm two seasons in. Is it wacky? It's about an evangelical rich church family. Yeah. And Adam Devine and John Goodman. Yes. And it opens with one of the brothers finding out he's being bribed or not bribed, ransomed because there's a video of him doing drugs with hookers. Okay. And so the whole first season revolves around him trying to get the tape.

Without paying the ransom. And you know, it's like Christian people trying to be squeaky clean, but they're all, of course, rich and crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's very comedic. Love, love, love Pink. Love Pink. You know, everyone's been saying that again. She's a bad seed on this world. She's a bad seed on this earth. Thorgy is so funny. The thing is, I have a similar point of view. I have an unnecessary aversion to her. I realize she's talented. So what? She's still a rock star. Come on, fucker.

They love the butt. Ooh, they love the butt. Ooh, no underwear on. Did you see my balls swinging? Damn. No underpants. Well. You don't like that? No, I have them on, but they're super stretched out. I have had these underwear. I'm not kidding. Oh, great. Oh, my God. And it's all wet. And it's all wet. By the way, look at this belt.

It's a baggy belt. It's a baggy fucking belt. Go on the government website. Go on the government website. Tell me these H&M underwear are actually from 2015. Oh my God. Isn't that horrible? Kind of. I love a good... You know what? I haven't bought underpants in a good long time. The thing is, I feel like if you wash them and they're not holy...

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, say what you will about Calvin Klein. I'm sure you can say quite a bit. Those motherfuckers. Yes, I could say that. How are you? Also, those Marco Marco shits. They're binding. They're. It's a tucking panty. I used his Speedo as a tucking panty without fail. See. And that bitch gets so pulverized in the washing machine and dryer. Pulverized. Yeah. Unflappable. Yeah.

This episode is brought to you by Ritual. If there's one thing I remember from my sixth grade health class, it's that we as humans all poop.

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I used to stay at home on Saturday nights to organize my sock drawer and watch documentaries about sex cults. Now, I take Rituals Symbiotic Plus daily. And while I still occasionally stay in to make sure my socks are organized by color and ankle height, now I don't have to hide in my house with a bloated tummy and disgusting gas. Instead, I can wear my new top hat and goggles and go to all the hottest steampunk parties in Los Angeles. And all thanks to Rituals Symbiotic Plus.

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Be like me and poop on the regular before leaving the house to conquer the world gas-free. Climb back on that porcelain throne and make me proud, people. Feel the difference daily with Ritual Symbiotic Plus. Get 25% off your first month at ritual.com slash bald. That's 25% off at ritual.com slash bald. Happy squatting.

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Again, that's squarespace.com slash bald to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Did you see Celine Dion with her stiff person syndrome? I couldn't watch her scream. I couldn't watch her scream. Well, I actually thought of you, not because you have stiff person syndrome, but because you always talk about how movement is such a big part of, you need to be able to move. Imagine if your movement started to go away from you, which I guess, you know, when I started to get arthritis, they were saying like,

The doctor was like, well, the thing is we all live long. We hope to live long enough to experience some level of disability in our life, right? That means we've lived a full life. And with Celine, even though she, I'm not sure her age, but obviously for her, the loss of mobility is fucking heartbreaking and devastating. And these clips of her talking about it, it's so hard to be like,

yeah i can't so sad like an angel what an icon yeah love celine love love celine for real yeah absolutely you know i also love celine kim she loves celine does she really loves back in the day i used to fall asleep in bed with her with her with her glasses on her macbook on her chest with the lights on in her bedroom blaring celine diana her face that's how she would sleep is that great did she ever get to see her live show in vegas

I didn't. Oh, did Kim? Yeah. I don't know. I wish I had Cirque du Soleil guy invented that. Not invent, invented. Why don't you do your own gay circus traveling that's called Cirque du Soleil? And then people come out and they get really fierce. Cirque du Soleil. And it's hunty. And it's hunty. No, I'm going to do a Gen Alpha brain rot tour where we're just a bunch of low sigma no-viz caps munting in the skibbity toilet in Ohio. What is that?

What is it? I guess you either die a hero long enough to see yourself become the villain. Like, you know, I remember when, I don't know what, I don't think as a millennial in my teens, I said words that adults didn't understand. I don't think so. Because this was like Klingon to me. And I'm not like eternally online, but I'm pretty online. Now granted, our own like philosophy

Our own social media apps generally tend to be an echo chamber because we choose who we follow. But the Explorer page sometimes throws in a little fucking shit that you don't... And it's just like...

Between this and the guys putting packing penises in their underwears and shaking them around and gaybaiting. Yeah, what's with that? They look so fake. They are fake. But why are they doing this? They're doing it because people, because it catches the eye. But it's fake. It's a fake penis. Do people think it's real? Of course they do.

I know this is, I know I've talked about this. Let me tell you about this. This is how you know a dick is real. You get close to it. Take a skin sample. You send us to the lab. You DNA test it. MRI. Sniff it. I realized I've been, listen, you know what I just realized? What? Now keeping in mind my recent financial woes, which are under control by the way. Oh, thank you Nashville, Tennessee. Yeah. Shout out to the fun gig. What was the vibe?

- Oh my God, let me paint you a picture. - You lived.

Did a couple of gigs. It was jarring to get back on the road in the lip sync mode. It is. Jarring because it's, I mean, of course, it's always like, if I had to do it without an assistant, I would have done one gig and be like, I can't do this. You know what I mean? Because it's just too much. Crick neck. No, also it's just too much work doing something that when you're kind of depressed, you don't want to do anyways. So it's like laying out the makeup.

Packing the makeup. A lot of stuff. Louisville. Fun. Seattle. And then Nashville. Play. Did you play Louisville too? I did. Double play. Double play. Play Louisville was fun. They were really nice. It was...

That is a bigger stage. I was going to say, ironically, Louisville's the bigger one. I know. And Nashville's the smaller one. The smaller one. But they're very, very similar setups. The girls at Louisville were very, very nice. But then I had to do Michigan. Michigan was tough because it was... Grand Rapids? No, Royal Oak. Oh. I did two little numbers. But there were two shows. When was it? Seven? Okay, wow. Was that a lot?

Girl. It was like, that is, that's a matinee. It was really, and I was like,

It was not in a club. Because you can feel your fantasy in a club. I know we do theaters and we're more accustomed to a more theatrical schedule where there's proper green rooms. We've got riders and it's kind of fancy. The hotels are cunty. It's like a theater where there's an 8 o'clock show and you can feasibly be in bed by 11. You can live somewhat of a normal schedule and not feel like a night creature. But

This show was, everybody was lovely. The tips were incredible. People were so fucking generous. I can't even stand it. But it was in this like, it was a stage. It was very small.

And the sound system was very low. Oh no. And it was like, I'm doing this stupid song that really needs to be heard. And it was just like, even if they hear it at the perfect volume, they won't like it. So then to be quiet, you don't, I mean, they don't even have a chance to decide. I was like, there's a part in it where she screams and that's the funny part. And I don't even know if they heard it. It was, it was, it was humiliating. It was, yeah. So, but I go to Nashville and,

And it was the fun. It was so fun. I could not fucking believe it. Approximately 4,500 degrees. Yeah. Approximately five that we were, everybody that I could see in the crowd was dripping sweat. Wet mud. So that I was like, well, at least we're all in this together. Right. And I like, I just lived that.

And I just, I loved it. And I did, I just, I did songs that I wanted to do. I was like, I don't care if anybody is like, I'm going to do these Russian songs. I don't care. I know them. Cause my like repertoire of English language songs is like nothing. Right. Nothing. I don't know. Sabrina, Sabrina Carpenter. I don't know. Chapel Roan. I know they're, they're lovely ladies, but I don't want to talk about espresso. Yeah. Yeah.

But I mean, Nashville, it was, I couldn't believe it. I told the DJ, I was like, I'm going to do, we do two numbers, right? And the two shows, why are you laughing? I thought of you walking out there and it being really hot and then you living for it. And then you're that Wendy Williams meme where she's like, you know what I mean? Like you walked out, you're like,

I don't know. Like after, like after the number, I, of course I am, you know, pigged up like pigged and I've got Apple on the mouth. Stick up the ass. Turning. Luau. It's Lu, count as Luau. And I was like, I had to, of course, because I, because I have a challenging profile in drag. Um, I have to course it. And you're big now. It's non-negotiable. Yeah. Like,

Can I say you're not big, but for you, you for once are dealing with what all of us have dealt with this whole time. Where's the...

Yeah. It's gypsy Rose Blanchard. It's Beyonce with those flowers all over. Yeah. It's fertility goddess. So that, because, and also when I, what, what it is, it is. So when I feel it, I don't, I don't mean, I don't have like a, you wear the steel bone. Yeah. It's the one I had to wear in fucking Trixie and Katya tour. It was, it's,

It's like no breathy, no breathy, no breathy. And I would yank it up. So, so uncomfortable right even before the costume comes on. And then it is, it's just a wall of heat, a wall of heat. It is so fucking hot in there. But I just, I could not help myself. They were screaming, screaming. I could have, I could have, um,

I could have done the Macarena. Oh, it's fabulous. The music was loud. It was the lights. They have a fabulous lighting system. It's a real stage. Yes. Real dressing rooms. Real dressing rooms. They have a, they have a nice wall. It's not bare. It's kind of like textured or something. They got the tea. It's like a very large, it's not huge, but it's definitely big enough to feel like a star. Definitely. It's not a podium. Yeah.

And the girls showed up for you. The audience was there full. Mary, they said it sold out in two minutes. Love. Yeah. But the only thing I didn't, the only thing that was a shock is the meet and greet.

Sure. Because I just, you have to do the meet and greet on stage. I wasn't there so no one came. You have to do the meet and greet on stage. I remember doing it at that club. In between shows. And it's, that was like, in Royal Oak especially too, the meet and greet. Everybody's so lovely of course. But it's like, it's another kind of show. 100%. It's a little. I think it's harder than the show. In some ways it is because it's, and everybody can thank you for coming. We know you didn't want to be here.

They're all, that's like when people ask for a hug and then apologize to me. You're like, I know you hate touching people, but can I? Or the best is when they're like, can I have a picture? You must hate this. And I'm like, I don't, I would have said no if I hated this. You know, it's funny. A lot of people in the past four gigs, like walking around town or like in the airport. I don't know. Like I always forget because I don't leave my house very much. I don't get recognized or whatever, but.

I do. And I will again. But they like, they go like, I've gotten good at skipping the rigmarole, like cutting to the chase. I appreciate the kind words, but they're rarely said succinctly, concisely, articulately, because they're like, they just, they either just scream. They scream. They scream at the top of their lungs. And then I'm like, and then it's like, do you want to take a picture? I just say, do you want to take a picture? Cause that's what they want to do.

But if you don't say that, there's a whole encyclopedia Britannica of random thoughts and kind of stuff that just, you know what I mean? The best is when you're with gay friends, my own fucking gay friends, and somebody will ask for a picture with me. And my friend from college will be like, why? When your real friends see somebody think you're famous, my real friends will walk up to the meet and greet line and be like,

I don't think she's worth all that. Yeah. You're that bald fucker. Like you're like, you're lining up for that ugly bitch. Let me start with that pig. You got my daughter over there. That pig owes me $15.

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Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. I love a scenario like when I was at Universal. I was like, you know. What was your favorite ride there? Oh, I do think Jurassic kind of turned it. Turned it. Really did. I felt like it was in the film. I love to go to Universal. Universal.

You can do the whole park in a couple hours. I think it is, personally, I find it to be Flop Tina Bestie. I think it's very expensive. But you only live like 12 minutes from it. Go in there, take an Uber there. Do the whole park with the express pass, two hours. And get out of there. I did. The house I used to live at, it was like five minutes from my house. I don't care. It was like $150. Yeah.

Anyway, it was no Disney World. No, it's no Disneyland. Is it Disneyland in California? Yes. Let me tell you about Disneyland. She eats. No. Oh. So you don't like anything. No, I don't like Disneyland. It is wall to wall infants. Oh, sure. Infants.

And it's like, not like they say kids, it's not kids. They're babies. Newborns. Umbilical cords. No, they are though. They're like, they're wet and have amniotic fluid. Women giving birth on the Swiss family Robinson. They're chewing off the cords. Dingling the baby off the cliff. All of it. They are wet with amniotic fluid. They are, they are one to three days old and people are doing strollers like that are like stretch hummers. They're like,

They're driving tractors with these babies on them and you cannot avoid them. And you're like, and I'm there with both my breasts full of milk and no one will suckle off me but my fucking family. And guess what? You are absolutely certain not to do anything.

At Disneyland. What? What activity? Yeah, you cannot smoke even 10 miles. Go ahead and get on the I-10. Go down to Phoenix. Go to Anaheim. No, go to Hidden Hills. Go to Calabasas. You cannot. Mary, when I tried it, when I pulled the cigarette out of my pack in the parking lot, I felt. You know, she felt Karen from Hospitality with the shotgun. I heard the ch-ch-ch.

And they're like, sir, you need to get the fuck out. You need to vacate. You cannot smoke. Even if you see anything Disney related in your peripheral vision, if you can, if you can see the park in the distance, you are not allowed to smoke. If you're in a place where they have the Disney channel, you cannot smoke. If you've heard of Selena Gomez, you are not allowed to smoke. Not only do they have Mickey Mouse, if they've ever had mice, you cannot smoke here.

You can't even hold a pencil like this. It's fucked. It's fierce. It's, I mean, I get it. And then when you're a drinker, which, you know, Oh, I've,

I've been drinking plenty of alcohol, but, but not girl. You go over to California adventure and you go one sangria, please. They give you a thimble of Kool-Aid that someone spritzed hand sanitizer for $18. And I'm like, so I'm going to have to put this up my ass at the haunted mansion. This sangria at the haunted mansion to like, to escape this baby fever, babies, babies, not children. By the way,

Love babies. Hate strollers. Yeah. Love babies. Carry them. I don't mind. I don't fuck. Babies are fine. Babies are lovely. Not Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Stroller. Not Adam and Stroller. Like, carry your goddamn baby. Or wear rollerblades. It's stroller getting. It is stroller getting. And these shits get really fucking wide. Yeah. It is so many fucking. Do you think Abe Lincoln's mother had a stroller? You think Abe Lincoln fell out of a coconut tree? Yeah.

Do you think Abe Lincoln was at Disneyland smoking? Do you think Abe Lincoln was a fag? Do you think Herbert, who I, a lot of people seem to think so. I don't think his other gas was getting any kind of pussy, pussy or otherwise. Mary Lincoln turd. It wasn't exactly. By the way, it looks better than her. By the way, by the way, on your break, you must go.

To see her play. I am. I'm going to go see their play. I'm going to go see. I'll tell the children. Can I tell you what I'm doing on my break? Tell him. I'm going to see Cole's play for sure. I'm going to London to see Vanessa Williams and Devil Wears Prada. I'm going to Alaska with my girlfriends from college. Never been there. Never will work there. So I thought, let's go. I've never been there either. I'm going to Anchorage and go on some glacier tours. Like a tourist. Super, super cool. Going to Provincetown with some guy friends from college. Gay. Visiting my mom in Milwaukee. Gay.

And just vibing. Cool. Not spending a lot of time in LA. Getting out. Yeah, why would you? Up and out. Yeah, that's fierce. Getting some house sitters so the house doesn't sit empty, but...

There you go. Let me use the pool. Strollers? I think Maddie's staying at the house. Do you mind strollers in there? Yeah, you can have a stroller and you can sleep in it. I'm just vibing and I'm going to watch Game of Thrones. That's like my project. You got to get into it. Yeah. It's, oh man. I just, because I began in the House of the Dragon and watched the recent episode three times.

it gets my so good they make this the budgets on these on these shows are so gargantuan like one outfit what's the way it's good wigs right well yes it's not netflix well so there's a there's a there's a certain uh uh what do you call them i don't know the clan of people the targaryens whatever they have they're famously white-haired okay okay and but there are many different skin colors

And so for some in the first season, there was an egregious wig on this young dark skin character. It was a lioness.

A hard front. Okay. In platinum white blonde that looked like it was, they took it out of the hairnet, they clipped the tag, and they shoved it on this young girl, an adult wig. It was unforgivable. But for the most part, they're unclogably beautifully wonderful white wigs, which is, they have to wear bald caps underneath, bitch.

They have to wear bald caps. - Yeah. I was on Kelly Clarkson today and my wig looks horrible. I glued it down so poorly. The hairline looks like it is a, they took that Pizza Pizzazz Presto oven.

Cooked it put some cheese on it and cooked it to my head. It's not it's not lace It looks like a pizza roll. Did you have fun at least on there? Um, yeah, I mean I love to do talk show stuff Yeah, and I love to she seemed like she was game. She was jumping around She's super funny and pretty and I got to watch her rehearse, you know, she sings every day She sings a new song every day on the show what she covers a song every day get out of here I got to watch her sing and it was fun to go promote Trixie Motel We filmed it a while ago good month and a half ago. Mm-hmm

but um i've um excited to on the break yeah yeah i've never had three months off drag in my life the longest i ever had off drag was two weeks of my appendix exploded three years ago remember that you remember that i do i do say halloween right right around halloween yeah yeah um and i'm just gonna vibe i'm not shaving wizard at all wizard it's gonna be stringy puby unappealing

It's going to be horrible. Oh my God. You know what though? This is what I think you should do. You should really explore a piece. Fina was showing me these Instagram, this like, um, this company that does these male wigs, units, their unit systems, whatever you want to call it.

And what often what we'll do, like men will, they'll, they'll grow like a friar tuck situation, you know, because they're totally bald. Like when I was shaving my head in the, in the shower and I was looking in the mirror to make sure I got everything. And I was like, okay, yep. I'm very fucking bald, like bald up here. I thought I kind of had the illusion or I was under the delusion that I was wrong. Oh, it's just very like you're very seated. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. There, this is like, there is nothing going on up here.

there is nothing we're in a recession yeah it is we're in a recession yeah yeah it's like it's a famine of hair up there but anyways so they would they'll often grow like you know what they can grow which is like the mr burns look right and then they'll have they'll apply they'll glue on these units that blend into a fade and they're incredible and it's wild because i know that like listen i made peace with being bald have you

Look at me. Yeah. You're not even wearing a hat. I've been going no hat and it's been very free. Love it. Great. But so what is shocking is that a lot of these men go from handsome, bald to immediately 10 to 15 years younger and I would say four to five points hotter. Yeah. It's wild. What do you think about that?

Well, thank you for asking. I think that, okay, we're white and in white culture, people wearing wigs, wearing hair pieces- Is something to hide. It's shameful. Is weird. Wild. Yeah, it's crazy. But there are many cultures where extra hair, fake hair, magic hair, enhancements, applications, half wigs- Straight up wigs. Yeah. Normal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I always feel that for men, especially like-

I wish, for example, if you got a unit and everyone in the room was like, oh, she has a unit on. It should be like, oh, I love your piece. It looks so good. I feel like with men's units, we're demanding that the room pretend. And in person, it's not often completely spookproof, unclogable tea. I know people with units. You do too. We've had them on the show and not, you know what I'm talking about? We've had them and not said anything. And in person, if you wear wigs, especially,

We all see. Yeah. And so sometimes I feel like what it does with men is it forces the room into a game of yes and. And I wish we were more open about units and the room could go, by the way, your piece looks fucking great. It looks awesome. But that would be offensive if you told someone your piece looks great. Yeah. I love your wig. You don't say that to a woman. Like, okay, I wouldn't. So, I mean, I worked at a wig store. You say, I love your hair. Love your hair. Yeah. That's true.

I worked at a wig store, quickly realized that many black women wear wigs, period. Many of them have no hair, short hair. They don't want to fuck with their hair. They don't want to do braids. They don't want to- Safer, like when you're growing it out, putting braids on, you know. They just slap a wig on every day. It's a part of their lives. It's literally clothing. Yeah, yeah. It's clothing. It's not a hat. Changing your style. It's not a hat. It's wearing a shirt. Totally. You know, at home, you can wear your, just, you take your shirt off, wear your bra. At home, you can take off your wig, be bald-headed, whatever. Yeah.

It's just like a very regular part of life. And I'm assuming many men who have sex with these women, have romantic partnerships with them, they're aware of that. You know what I mean? Yes. So there's like a, you know, it's not like, oh my God, I can't believe you took off your wig and you don't have hair. Right. You know, but I don't know with them. With men, I think there would be a certain amount of...

Like, let's say you're single and you have a unit. At one point in dating a woman, do you say, well, I just want you to know that when I get my hair cut, I also have a piece fluffed and folded and replaced every time. I want to know. Do you think that it would bother women? I don't know. Because I know that short men are so universally reviled.

I am so curious about what, I just want to poll. I don't want to know about political polls. I want the pollsters to focus on this instead. I want the exit polls on, would you date a bald man who wears a piece? And upon discovery of that piece, would your attraction to him stay the same or would it decrease? Would you believe me if I told you I yearn for a beard more than a head of hair?

I would believe you because a beard with no hair is often a very distinguished look. And I wish I could be shaved headed with a beard, but obviously for our line of work. Yeah. What would you do if you had three months off of drag? What would you really do with it? I basically do. You're like, I'd end up in foreclosure. I mean, I'm not working in drag for like three weeks. Listen, you are driving the bus on this person. You guys, this piece of shit. Shit.

This huge puddle of diarrhea. This huge neck-throwing garbage pail kid. Neck-throwing. She's taking over the whole pod with all guests and doing all the work while I'm gone. Well, I'm not doing all the work. I'm showing up and I'm... Which I'm very grateful for. Whatever. At least I can do. When I first wanted to go on the break, I was not sure I could have my cake and eat it too and also go away from the pod. So I really appreciate it. Yeah, we have a good... We have a good... I learned that I was like... I quickly learned...

That I cannot come in here with just anybody and pretend to have the same kind of effortless banter back and forth without you. Hello. Baby, you can't read the dolls. You and I do. Can I just say, I'm just going to, I don't want to get in trouble and I don't care if I do because they have three months to get over it. Okay. Baby, you can't read the bald. You can't read the bald. Baby, you can't read the bald. I...

You and I do things on YouTube that people watch and they go, oh, well, let's get two men in wigs and a green screen or whatever and let's copy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's not good or whatever. But what I find funny is employers of ours, studios, whoever, it...

It is completely a process for them to accept that maybe it's not the lights, the wigs, the cameras, the dirt that maybe you and I are what makes it fun. Yeah. And it's not duplicatable. Like it's not just get two cross dressers, throw them in the, it's more than that. Yeah. But,

I mean, like, for example, I had Naomi on. I literally just couldn't stop staring at her legs. I swear to God. What a great episode. It was. I mean. I loved it. Well, good. But I just like, I'm watching it back. I'm like, God, can you fucking ask her a question? You freak. She's just staring at her legs. But she totally like, I didn't know she was. I didn't know she was going to be in drag. And it really threw me. Like, it really threw me. She was in a zip up hoodie. Let's relax. Okay.

90 inches tall. Yeah. Well, 90 inches tall chair. Her, she was like this, like this was her knee, like where my feet are, her knees are. And then they're bending down. Nobody is more beautiful than her. You know, it's not just beauty. It's fucking crazy. Like Sarah Jessica Parker is beautiful. She's like five feet tall.

Naomi Smalls is 90 inches from heel to wig. If Sarah Jessica Parker's beautiful, Naomi is gorgeous. No, no, no, no, no. I know. I'm just saying like, there are many women, many women are beautiful, but most often they're also very petite. Right, right, right, right. You know what I mean? So let's say, I think it was somebody like, I don't know, like Kristen Chenoweth. This is why I'm leaving. Lightning in a bottle. This is why I'm leaving. Yeah, yeah. She's 4'11".

She really is. Simone Biles, three feet. You know what I mean? Like, porridge. But Naomi is, she walked in and I was like, ugh. And then she sat down and her legs are so wet. Just like, so. I literally thought you would have been misting her legs with a spray bottle the whole time. She was so oiled. Well, she took like, what was it? Soy sauce? No. And she was just rubbing. Olive oil. Yeah. Olive oil and soy sauce. E-V-O. Wait, E-V-V-O. E-V-O-O.

- Extra virgin olive oil. - Pure leaf, no sugar? - Tea. - What's wrong with you? - I like unsweetened tea. - God. Look at my fucking glass of diarrhea over here. - I know. Well, I've been a lot, I put on eight pounds. - Good for you.

Hi, fat. You know, yeah. I just, my arthritis has been improving. Fabulous. She's been wonderful. On the upswing. On the upswing. Well, right now my injectable is like hard to get. So they're putting me on a biosimilar, like a similar drug. I haven't had my injectable in three weeks, but it's feeling so much better. And you know what? Listen, sometimes I want, lately I've been doing a behavior which I loathe, which is wandering into comment sections. Okay. And something that really bugs me is that

Is those Zempia comments under any of your photos? All of them. I think it is so, I think it's so lame. I think it's so lame because if people, if anybody knew anything about you,

They know that I'm too cheap for that shit. They know you would never take Ozempic. Yeah, I could barely take my life-changing medicine for my arthritis. I'm like, fuck it, needle. I just know you wouldn't do it. Because it's not to cast a shadow on anybody who does it, or it's not even to really look down on quick fixes or shortcuts or whatever, which for a lot of people, it is a shortcut and a quick fix. Sure. For some people, it's also...

It's also a way to skirt diet and lifestyle changes. And, you know, I can say that because I've never struggled. Food is the only thing I don't struggle with. Right. So that's not even in my purview. But, like, that just irks me. Because, you know, I don't know. I don't know why. If we're being vulnerable in the pond, because I am going on a break, I don't think it's any secret that this has been...

pretty much visibly the worst year of my life. In many ways, the audience doesn't know about, but I wasn't exactly hiding it well. You know, getting sick and getting so thin. It was just like all of it. And let's just say when you know that you're not

the skinniest you've ever been because of diet and exercise, you know, it's because of being sad. And that's all people comment on. It's sort of like, wow, all these years of joking about, aren't I skinny? That was funny because I wasn't that skinny. Right. So then when I was skinnier than I've ever been, it's skinnier than I wanted to be. And I could barely get weight on. It was like, oh shit, this sucks. Yeah. I never really like experienced that. I've had people say like, oh, you're thicker. You've gained weight. Like, but I've never had people be like,

commenting so earnestly in a complimenting way about how thin you are. It's weird. But I wasn't trying to be thin. Yeah. And, you know, it was sort of invasive. I found it very invasive. I don't think anybody who has a private Instagram profile should be able to comment on anybody's pictures. Oh, interesting. Yeah. If I were to own that site, I would say, if you're a private, you have no, you cannot participate.

I really didn't like it. Yeah, I think it's horrible. Plus, that's the way I... The thing I learned from Miss Julia Roberts, I only allow people who I follow to comment on my photos. You like that? Well, basically what it does is that if I'm looking at my own Instagram, which I don't really do that often, but like...

There's only open it to look at your own. Oh, but I mean, I do love the feed. I mean, I, it's my feet is so shitty. Cause it's all just like, it's just like bald and beautiful. There's nothing on it, but like, and that's shitty. No, but you know, there's not, I don't know people, you don't have people curate their Instagram and that's fine. Good for them. Not me, bitch. No, but like I'm shit post. Wendy Williams gift you up. Like, so that's your account. I'm like, isn't it obvious?

Isn't it a Pee Wee's Big Adventure meme at 3 a.m.? You think that's my crackpot team of social media experts? Typos. Sometimes an accidental ball shot. Like a nude. Like, yeah, it's me, bitch. A blurry screenshot. Yeah. Me doing a sponsored ad and misspelling Google. You know what I mean? Like, girl. But I like seeing there's like, it just only shows like a couple of comments and those people I recognize. Yes. It's like, I don't want to know what you think.

I mean, I, you know, it depends which platform because YouTube where the ball in the beautiful is some of you watch it here. 99.9% humor and positivity. It's not, this is not like a hater nation on YouTube at all. But YouTube is really, really good.

Can be a tough, tough place. It can, but I think compared to like Twitter, which is like where... But that's just a free-for-all and that site's so disorganized now. When people open Twitter, they are turtleheading it with a turd and they pull down their pants and they get ready to shit on something. I know, but you know what? It's not even... Now that Twitter is X and it's... When there's ads in the comment feed, it's so like...

It's become so not user-friendly that it's like, oh, it's just a big hot pot of boiling bullshit. I don't even think it means anything anymore. Yeah. I guess that's a healthy approach. TikTok, I still... TikTok is a choose-your-own-adventure, though.

I'm like, why do I keep getting home birth videos? Because I keep getting stoned and searching for home births. All I do is I check in with Little Miss Chicken Nugget and then I do... Why are you laughing? And then I... We love that older woman who does those intensely edited dark videos. Oh, Bambi Truthers? Yes. I love Bambi. Long hair, the laughing. Oh, yeah. I love Bambi. Bambi's the best. The Starbucks girl. The Starbucks girl. I love...

No limbs is cunty. She's always turning the party, rolling into the frame. And then, of course, Jessica, the Vietnamese girl, si baguette. Si baguette. And that's about it. That's all you need. That's your food pyramid. Yeah, and then if I want to crunch,

stay, you know, somewhat abreast of the new developments in the, in the burgeoning generation with the skibbity toilet into my Riz factor. Right. I'll check in on the brain rot. Did you TikTok shop? Bob tells me, Bob told me, well, Bob's boyfriend, Jacob was like, Oh my God. When Bob was on tour with Madonna, we would get TikTok shop like items delivered here constantly. I don't even know what that means. Like on, on TikTok, you can shop for things. Oh. And lately I've been wanting to buy some things. Damn.

Shit, but I'm trying to spend money because now three months of no income the fourth of my year. I think you're doing okay Well, that's what you think that's what you think I'm gonna burgle you

Come swim in the house. I'm going to. In the pool. Don't flood the house. I'm not going to swim in the skivvity toilet. I come home. You flooded the house. You said. You said. You float down the stairs. Welcome home, baby. Yeah, I'm going to shit in every room. I hope you have a wonderfully refreshing, relaxing, and rejuvenating break. I'm sure all of the fans wish exactly the same. Would you have any words of wisdom or any words of encouragement before you leave? I do. I...

I'm a little concerned that I'm going to come back and the industry we know as Trixie Mattel will be a small business. I'm really kind of afraid that the time off is going to completely rewire my interest in working that hard ever again. Oh, well, that's a good thing. I thought you were going to say, I thought you said you were afraid your business was going to be like folded by the time you're back. No, I'm afraid I'm going to come back and be like, yeah, I don't care about doing all this anymore. You know what I mean? Yes, I do.

Yes, I do very much. Yes, I do very much. And I'm afraid of that. You're afraid of simplifying, scaling down? I'm afraid of like, what if I don't make fun of me? What if I get worse at drag in three months? You think I'm going to come back and be like, what am I doing? What is a brush? What's happening? You know what I mean? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Because I took about two months off of drag and I was like, the first time you're like, it's also you. But you got like a, I don't know.

Don't know thank you for that You'll be fine. I you know, I'm excited about you know, and you know what the thing is getting me hard The fact that I can go to your fucking seamstress now and she won't be so like tied up No, she's sewing during the break. Fuck you bitch. I hate you. I hate your guts. I hope you're break She's good. I hope you die. I hope you I hope you fall into that Alaskan Wait, did you see a Zillow banks at the Trump rally?

I know not to leave it on negative. I'll be entering social media again right before the election. Love. Yeah. I'm going to come back being like, what did I miss? Yeah. Throw neck for blue. Yeah. All right. Bye everyone. Goodbye. Happy break. Throw neck for blue.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wishlists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.