Beauty Tips, Bathroom Raccoons, & Talking Tumors with Trixie and Katya
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Okay, we are reporting live from the Children's Hospital. Yes. Yes. Hello. You are... It's the final Bald and the Beautiful. The final episode and you are getting an IV so you could die.

Yeah, well, it's the semi-final, I guess, because we don't know if we will pick it up in the future, but we are going on a break. This is the series finale. Season finale. Season finale. Season finale. Season finale, Mary. Season finale. Yeah. And you know what? People are going to be mad because they don't get enough opportunities to hear us talk. I know. Especially to each other. It's really tough. It's really tough. I know. It's like, I mean...

Yeah. I don't know what to tell them. I don't know what to tell them. I don't know which direction to point them in. Is it to the other Netflix show or is it the web series or is it the books or is it the – Yeah, the books, the films, the documentary films. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Oh, by the way – Is it the social media? By the way, if we ever come back, we've got to change the name to who would play her. Yeah.

I was working on a secret project with Michelle and we were backstage and I was like, I don't know if you know this, but me and Katya are obsessed with who would play her. Who would play her. She's like, what? I'm like, who would play her? Like she didn't even really know. She's like, oh, that thing that Rue says all the time. I'm like, yes. Yeah. I'm like, but we're not even talking about people anymore. No. We're like, oh, I had a good sandwich the other day. Oh, who would play her? Like we don't, it's not even people. Yeah.

I got to show you a few of my new favorite things. Let me show you what I got. Do it. I'm in Austin right now because I'm playing Austin City Limits tonight. Yeah. You got a drip in the arm. I got an IV drip in the arm. Yes. Just gypsy rose blanchard like you've never seen. Oh, you're using a microphone. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Shit. I got to do a song. You know when people say catch this drip? That's what they mean. It's an IV drip.

You know, they should, they should, if I open an IV drip business, I call it catch this drip. And we would also during like the 45 minutes of takes for the fluid, um,

You do a number. You do like a song. Yeah, you do a number. I would say I would be Naomi Campbell from Girl 6 saying, Dick drip. Now turn over and let me spank you. Yeah. Dick drip. Sounds like a perfectly good way to start the day. Normally when I'm getting fluids in a hotel room, it doesn't take 45 minutes. Okay, let's just say that.

How gross. I got to show you what I got from our managers for a present to me, a good luck gift. Oh my God. I'm scared. Everybody gets- I got a temperature gun. Everybody gets temped. Everybody gets temped. I got a temperature gun. Wow. I can't wait. I shot Brandon. I shot him in the head and the crotch. Two degree difference, by the way. Yeah. And then I shot the candle 400 degrees. So it's supposed to be 90 degrees and humid on stage tonight where I'm playing. You better shoot that air, bitch.

90 degrees and humid, which sadly isn't even the warmest environment I've been in in drag in the last few weeks. Yeah, that's not it. That's not it. That's not it. That's not it. There's talks of me continuing this podcast by myself, and I swear to God, it's going to be called Who Would Play Her? And it's me going to places and talking about the air conditioning and critiquing the air conditioning. HVAC. Yeah, it's literally just heating and cooling air.

It's just the heating and cooling Yelp. And this it's a scale of 10, 10 being Mr. Freeze, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Batman and Robin, and one being the devil in hell or Texas period. God period. I better not get pregnant while I'm here.

Why? The baby not going to survive? If you get pregnant here, I don't know what you do. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. Best thing I could look forward to, one of those fake clinics where it's a really religious person who takes a fake x-ray and then puts a face app filter, like a smile app filter on the fetus. On the fetus.

Yeah. I get hired to do the Pixar animation for all of them. Your new hustle. Yeah. And I'll know something is up because you'll be in scrubs smoking indoors. Is this a health clinic? And I'm just Photoshopping two three-year-old toddlers into these ultrasounds. Oh, yeah.

She has a full head of hair, clothes. Oh, yeah. Ten years old. One Z's. Yeah. Clothing, doing activities, playing GameCube, jumping. You see, she is already very healthy and she wants to live. She needs to live. Oh, my God. Look at, she's already talking and then there's a fake audio of you going like, Mama, please don't abort me.

Please take him. Oh, speaking of which, ho, I walked out of the movie theater the other night. Why? Why? I hated the movie. I went to see this movie called Titan, a French movie. It's this like tour de force, palm door winner, you know, gritty, wild, crazy movie.

Spoilers. Is it another Princess Diana movie? Oh, no, no, no. But to that point, I have another. Don't let me forget. I have another thing about that. This woman, I saw her. First of all, I saw her take a knitting needle that she used as a hairpin and try to give herself an abortion. And there was motor oil, mama. There wasn't blood. There was motor oil. Motor oil. Mama. Motor oil. There was motor oil. Yeah. And not only that, not only that.

There was other things transpired that I could not handle. Was it poop? No. No. She was... Well, the good part was she got fucked by a car. She went in the car and the car fucked her. What? She was in the car with the... So it was a Princess Diana movie. Yeah.

That's so horrible. So bad. So bad. Oh, God. But there's that princess diet. Long story short, there was so much violence. It just bummed me out. I left halfway. No, not halfway. Half an hour in, I left. I said, no, ma'am. Not it. Well, mama, I'm about six weeks behind you in the movie. You know, when movies come out, usually I'm six weeks behind you to see something. Yeah. Can we discuss Malignant House?

Girl, girl. When she, I swear to God, that movie, big time spoilers here, Malignant. If you have not seen Malignant, you need to turn this off right now. But I swear to God, the studio, you know how that elevator pitch was? What if this bitch kills a whole bunch of people backwards?

That was the elevator pitch. The only thing backwards was the storytelling and the wig application. Oh, the wig-iest wig. That was not a human hair unit. The synthetic wig of it all. Do you know when we were, ages ago, when Andrew and I went back to the theater watching the previews, the minute that preview came up and that girl, that woman was on the screen, Andrew and I both looked at each other. We didn't even look at each other. We both said out loud, wig. Yeah.

Once you wear wigs, you see them in movies constantly. And it's shocking. We talked about this before. It's shocking how blatant they are given people's research. Wait a minute. What was that? See, I got to get my temp gun to shoot that lighter. I want to know the temperature of that butane. It's going to be fiery hot. Blue hot. It's always good when your friend in the program has a butane lighter on hand, right? That's fine. Listen. You know what? Listen. Let me tell you. Listen, I was lighting the pilot light in my stove.

I don't have enough time for matches. Oh, shit. Now where am I going to put the thingy? By the way, top tier level gay is to have a butane torch to light your scented candles. Yes, because I'm not futzing around with these long matches, bitch. I'm not futzing around. I'm not futzing around. We got to go back to malignant. Okay. So I fell asleep watching it and I fell asleep before it really heated up, right? And David finished watching it without me. Oh, my God. And the next day he goes...

You fell asleep right before it got crazy. And I said, what? And he goes, Gabriel. And I said, what? He said, the creature. Spoiler alert. Yeah.

She has been killing everyone. Yeah. And it's been her twin. Yeah. In her brain. Yeah. With the tiny arms. What about with the flashback footage? Very Kato. Very Kato from Total Recall. I mean, it was so outrageous. Tiny, tiny little arms. Yes. She had a little furry backpack on. Essentially. She had a little like child's backpack on, except it was an evil demon.

Coming out of her motherfucking head. This is unpopular. I would have not been so obsessed with removing the attached twin. I would have been like, let's do like a double act. Like, and he's psychic. Are you kidding me? I'd be like, we're going to buy scratchers, honey. Get in. Get in the Prius. Get your arms and legs in the window, baby. And he's got two extra little arms to scratch at the same time. We could be winning double millions. Double lotto. You put a couple quarters in them feet. You've got two social security numbers. You've got...

I have a question. There is a group of, there's a, there's a set of twins who are adjoined, conjoined, um, ultimate sacrifice. Um, and they are teachers in Minnesota. Do they get two salaries? Is it one salary? They must get to, they got to get to, I don't know. Good question.

Have them on the pod. If they give the kid a detention, is it two detentions? Who would play them? Who would play them, Gabriel? But the part, the Matrix-level martial arts backwards. That's what I'm talking about. That whole movie is nothing without the prison fight scene. The prison fight scene with Zoe Bell from Kill Bill? Yeah.

- What? - She played the hillbilly with the mullet, yes. - No way. - Yes, once you clock her face, she's in everything, yeah. - Oh my God, yeah, she is in everything. - Anytime there's like an intense fight scene where the person has to actually deliver lines, it's always her, 'cause she's funny. - Yeah, 'cause she's a good actor too.

That prison scene was the craziest thing I've ever – my jaw was on the floor. I couldn't believe what I was watching. I couldn't believe it either. It was so wild. It was so wild. And I did – I don't know. It was Ma. It was conjoined to Ma. It was very Ma. It's her tether. Big Ma energy. This is Ma's tether. If you opened up the – if you parted the hair on the back of Ma's head, it would be this movie under their little arms. Yeah.

That's what it is. It was very like when she's like, when she, you know, when she's like, she's in the corner of the side that that meme of her, like,

That's what would happen if you parted the hair. My God. That movie was crazy. So crazy. I haven't talked to you in so long. We tried to film this episode a couple times, but I was in the UK and my hotel Wi-Fi was not legit. You did not have that Ritz Wi-Fi. No, they give you that dial-up for free and if you want to basically buy it by the hour. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy, crazy talk. I thought... So last night at 5 a.m., bitch, I...

I thought a raccoon got in my house. Why did you think that? Because it's, I, there was a crash and a whole bunch of shit flying. And I was like, I was like, Oh my God. I was like bolted awake. And I was like, Oh my God, there's a raccoon in here. Just went back to bed.

But I woke up this morning. It is what it is. It is what it is. I was like, it is what it is. I can't. The door's closed. I can't get in here. I'm fine. So what are you going to do? Chase it out like it's already in there? Well, that's what I was thinking. I was like, if it's in the kitchen, I got to go to the broom. The broom's in the kitchen. What am I going to do? Choose that with my legs? These long legs? Yeah. Let's get them scratched up. This is a similar story that maybe I've never told you. If there is one story left, I haven't told you yet.

Which is probably the reason we're taking a break on the pod because there's just no new information. There's just nothing else new. In college, I had this roommate named Liz and she was a very hipster, very hipster, like blonde mullet. And for some reason, she kind of had this kind of voice. My name is Liz. Is she always suffering? It was like...

I remember her talking about learning art words from her and being like, it's conceptual. She kind of talked like that. I believe she's a kindergarten teacher now, I think. I've never heard this story. We had an apartment. It's $850 a month split three ways. We each paid $250 or whatever. Yeah, crazy. But it was like 400 square feet, three people in it. Couldn't believe we shared it. And one of the windows did not have a screen. And one day we came home from school or something and-

There was a squirrel sitting on the couch. We walked in and saw it sitting on the couch. And Liz yelled, oh, hell no. And it ran out. Oh, hell no to a squirrel. Oh, hell no. You get out. Get out of here. Yes. Let me tell you this. On the way to London, I found out that to travel internationally, you need a COVID test. And nobody, someone lied to her several times and no one told her about it.

No one told her. So I'm at the gate and they go, do you have your COVID test? And I go, no. And they go, you can run to Tom Bradley Terminal and you can make it. You can run to Tom Bradley. You can go over there and if you can make it there and back with your test, you can fly. You said, I'm a marathon runner, bitch. Hold my water in all my bags. Oh, I ran. Did you put on your easy spirits? I got there unwinded, unscathed, and I arrived at it and said, I'd like my test, please. And then it was positive. Paid a few thousand to cover it up. Flew anyway. I'm just kidding. Yeah.

They said, you don't have COVID, but you have so much herpes. You cannot come to another country. You have. Yeah. And the project I was on the constant, the constant nose swabbing pretty much every day. Oh my God. They swab the throat and nose. And the first day that I did my nose and they go, oh, you have to do your throat too. Same swab. They said, that's why we told you to do your mouth first. To them, rooting my, I'm rooting myself with booger stick. God. The indignity. Yeah.

The indignity. And I haven't reached a point where they told me I can't talk about the project I did. But let's just say it was very high budget. Yes. Yes. Yes. Cool. And my reading material while I was there.

The Diva Roules. So give me the scholastic. I read the Diva Roules. Let's get the review of the Roger Ebert, not the Roger Ebert, the New York Times book review. It's a quick read. That's not a read. It's a quick, it's a nice quick read. Okay. Read the first half on the plane and then like interspersed through it. I do like a chapter a day. I want to say this about Michelle Visage.

She is the moment and I don't think drag race did a very good job Introducing who she is to the audience. Yeah, I call her I agree friend a drag Queens best friend No, who's best is so minimizing. Yeah to her actual like career Yeah, and I didn't even know that until I read this book like Michelle the reason she's an authority on drag She's from like the New York 80s ball scene. Yeah, I

Like she was out there with the Paris is burning folks doing that shit. Yeah. Inventing this language we all use now. You know what I mean? And so to call her like, Oh, she has one track on the bodyguard and she's Rue's friend is like, so yeah. They need to get those nails. They need to get into those nails. The nails, the nails and the face, the voice, the body, obviously. Yeah. Um, did you know that she was in this band seduction? The first interracial girl group, by the way. Hmm.

They had hit songs. They traveled. They made tens of thousands of dollars a night. And because of their contract, they only each got $1,000 a week. And Michelle, after two years of touring with Seduction, giant venues, pop star, Dina, left basically broke and in debt. It's so crazy. She went from being in Seduction, touring giant pop venues. Months later, she's flat broke, and she starts emceeing at a strip club.

But it was kind of before the internet. So it's not like you could, you know, now if you were like a fallen from fame celebrity. Oh yeah, they tear you apart. Yeah. But she's like, I literally was a pop star a few months ago and now I'm introducing like an oil wrestling contest at a strip club. Yeah, that's crazy. But she went there to strip because she was like, I'm going to make money. These girls are making money. And she was, they were like, it's time to get on the pole. And she went, I can't do it. Really? I can't. She couldn't do it. She's like, I can't do it.

She's like, these girls get up there and put on a serious strip persona. She's like, I'm not serious enough to get up there and do this. Oh, wow. Also, I think she had her boobs done, but she didn't have the Michelle boobs yet. Well, the previous Michelle boobs. Yeah. But because she worked on the microphone in the strip club, that's where she learned to be funny, which helped her. That's how she got into radio. Oh, wow. Which got her into TV. Yeah. She's great. I mean, you can hear it. She's great on the radio. She's a great talker.

Great conversation list. But I just like, not to be critical, I just think that the audiences of Drag Race, if

If I don't know Michelle's like whole background until this book, I know the audience doesn't know. Right. Yeah. They certainly don't know about that. Um, that, um, that blonde hair, the bikini and those four, uh, 14 inch nails, 14 inch square plastic, 14 inch. You're like, what is on? What does she hold? Does she have a baseball mitts on? Nope. She's got it. Yeah. I got to tell you this from the book too. Um, her look kind of like not to the nails, but the rest of the look, the blonde hair, the, um,

she performed at the love ball, which was like, I believe, uh, like HIV fundraiser. And it was a big deal because there was a celebrity in the audience. Madonna came to see the love ball and Michelle's number was her in like a studded bra with a blonde ponytail voguing four months later, Vogue comes out so wild using dancers from Michelle's rival, like, uh, they're like rival Vogue house. So crazy. And then when seduction got big, uh,

She heard through the grapevine they sat down for a meeting and they were like, oh we have a message from Madonna's people She sees what you're doing basically and she doesn't like it. She doesn't like that you bit off her. Yes, and then Michelle told me a few months ago Madonna was on like an Instagram live and she was on Instagram live with someone Michelle knows and so Michelle was commenting Yeah, and Madonna says like who is this Michelle person? Yeah, she's getting too much airtime or whatever. She has to stop asking questions. Yeah

Yeah. Yeah. Very jealous. Very jealous. Very jealous. You are just like a rat jumping around looking for food. Very jealous. You want to call me obese? Really? You don't know what you're talking about.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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I'm going to go see Madam X tonight, bitch. Oh, the screening? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You going to a social event voluntarily? I know. I know. Is this an ISIS video? Well, I'm scarred from the fact that I was not invited to the We're Here premiere in every single- You weren't invited? I don't think so. Do you read your emails? No. Okay. So let's just stop right here. I went through them. There was nothing of the sort in there. You were not invited? No.

Every single... Bob called me personally to invite me. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. This is unbelievable. Would you have gone? Yes, abso-fucking-lutely I would have gone. It looked like the best party. Lady Bunny was there. It looked like the best party in the world. I actually, for the first time in my entire motherfucking life, had that FOMO business. But it was after the fact because it was way after it happened. I think of you sitting on the couch, smoking, gut out, watching, you know, whatever. Whatever.

Yeah. Did you watch the squid game? I sure fucking did. I gobbled that shit up. Did you live? I lived. I sobbed. I retched. I almost puked. Almost puked. We're doing it on Netflix. We are. Yeah. No, we're not. We are.

I was the reason I almost didn't watch it because I figured we'd have to end up talking about it later. I know. And I told her, I was like, hey, listen, it's not that funny if like one of us has seen it or one of you know what I mean? But I was like, but they just they're they're dying. They're dying. They're dying for it. We've both seen it. Michelle told me to watch it. So I watched it. It's I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

I love the violence and the storytelling. Yeah. Yeah. I love all of it. Yeah. You know, I was reading this interview about it and they were saying that in American cinema, violence is sort of like pointless. And in something like that program, they use the violence to like make the audience feel

To really push the theme further. Oh my God. It was, it was disturbing. It was absolutely disturbing. Very disturbing. Very disturbing. How would you do in the squid game? The games in general? Well, um, I mean, red, I think you could do red, red, green. I could do that. Um, you just have to not get, uh, you have to get not pushed over by a freak, someone freaking out.

Yes. And then I'd be good in the... I mean, if you have the umbrella and the little sugar carving thing, good luck to you, mama. Good luck to you, Mary. Good luck to you. That's like having a... Good luck to you. You're trying to do drag and having a bum knee. Yeah. Bone sticking out. Bone sticking out. Oh my God, Brandon just said bone sticking. Wait a minute. I don't... Girl, did you cry from the marble episode? I almost... I almost puked. Who would play her? You're crying. Can we hear it? I almost puked. I almost puked. It was...

No, no. It's not. There's no sound. It was this. You'll just have to paint the picture for them. I did cry a little bit. Broken blood vessels. Snots. Just horrible. Yeah.

I lost it when she kept saying we could do this together and she said oh sorry oh yeah I also thought like I would have done what they did let's just throw a marble let's not spend this whole time playing a long game too much and Sangwoo that motherfucker girl I would have did what he did are you kidding me and he felt bad about it I wouldn't have felt bad about it

Well, that man, that old man was not going to win. No, no, no. I'm not talking about him. I'm not talking about the, I'm talking about the guy who did the whole fake out. Oh, I'd also do that. But also that guy shouldn't have fell for it. Come on. I'm surprised. I'm yeah, I guess so. I'm surprised. Nobody just tell me it's random either. I'm surprised. Nobody just snatched the other's marbles. Mary. Well, they said it had to be a game, like a real game. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I would have done what those girls did. Just throw one marble and just like – Yeah, just hit it. Peace. Yeah. Peace and blessings. Yeah, for sure. For sure. Do you think that old man was pretending the whole time to be feeble then? Yeah. Yeah. Well, he wasn't – he was actually like feeble. I know, but that's why I was like, was he pretending the whole time? Because he clocked him and said, wow, you would really lie to your friend to win. I know. So gaggy. Or what? Die? Yeah. You want me to die for you? I met you two days ago.

Yeah, but they had a rapport going. Every six hours, they give me a half pickle. Like, you're lucky I didn't eat you when you died. I know. Oh, man. I won't just kill my friends. I'll eat them in this scenario. I'll be covered in blood being like, this is delicious. You would be ruthless in that squid game, Mary. I would be that man throwing people in those panes of glass. I know. I know. That was spooky. That was spooky. Yeah. But this one, see, I got a better one. So I had a revelation, a vision.

That it's a squib game, June Squib. And it's just the me and you. And we go to a weekend retreat for a team building exercise because we're not getting along. We've got to work together. And so just the two of us go. And it's a company outing. And it's a squib game. June Squib is hosting. And she says, the first game is mung diving. What?

Tell people what lung diving is. I gotta let you know. I gotta let you... Read the definition from the internet. No, I gotta let you know. I gotta let you know.

I'll tell you what I need you to blow because my phone I need you to know I need you to know about it You need to know Oh my god Tell her I'm so sorry She says she's sorry that you're going to have to hear this Because it's rotten Read number two first So it's really getting juicy No I'll tell you what it is This is from Urban Dictionary Which is a lot like Merriam-Webster Um

I sent it to you. Okay. Yeah. This is horrible, just so you know. Okay. Lung diving. By the way, any listeners, I didn't write this. I didn't even send this to myself. This person I'm talking to sent this to me. When two people take a corpse into the desert and leave it there for two or three days so it's really getting juicy.

The two people come back. Person places their mouth on the asshole of the corpse while person B jumps on the stomach of the body. This causes the entire intestinal tract to shoot into person A's mouth. Now, in your medical experience, have you ever heard of that? What'd she say? What'd she say? She heard it 30 seconds ago from Brandon. So she has experience in the field. Okay. Well, listen, it gets really, it's about getting that dead gas in your mouth.

Also, why do you think leaving a body there will make it somehow more wet? No, it does. It gets, because it, you know, it breaks down more. It gets real juicy. Oh, you think like it gets more juicy on the outer? No, no, no. It gets juicy on the inner. Yeah. Oh, she's saying like the breakdown of the body is extra fluid. Yeah. Okay, I can see that. Yeah, yeah. It's a little like slow cooking. So it's really getting juicy. It's the crock pot. It's the cemetery crock pot. Which is your original drag name, Cemetery Crock Pot. Yeah.

So it's really getting juicy. So it's really getting juicy. So Squib Game. I remember a similar situation called Quibi Game. Oh, right, right. Also a situation where no one wins. Hello. Can I just say this about Quibi? I pitched a show there once and they didn't play their cards to their chest very well. I was like, yeah, I have this show. What do you think? And they were like, we don't even know if we're going to be open in four months. They said it during the pitch meeting. Is that all right, Quibi? All right, Miss Honesty down at the Quibi. Wow, shit.

Horrible name, by the way. Horrible name. I like Squid Game. It made me think of... I don't know. It's not... I mean, I understand that it's Korea in the show, but...

It's not – if you're an American person, I don't know how you could watch that show and not see the parallels in these games where there's inherent privileges and it all comes to play. Could you imagine getting one of the first numbers in that glass pane game? You just got to go. You just got to go. That's what I'm saying. They were all scared. Mary, it's 50-50. I would have done what that guy did and just run. You just got to go. Yeah, you just got to go. You just bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

What if you run really fast and then even if it breaks like you're on your move you're moving no because you can't you're you can't You're not galloping. You're like you're jumping two foot jumps. So also to be honest in my American ignorance I probably never heard a Korean language that long Mm-hmm. Like I've heard Kim talk on the phone to like her mom and like that's probably the only Korean I've ever heard in my life but What a wacky language

Well, it's very different. It's very different. Netflix had the nerve to start it dubbed. It's like, what are we doing here? Dubbed? Oh, no. We're not watching dubbed. No, nobody's watching dubbed. If anybody's out there watching dubbed, you need to get it right. Don't you watch English television with the subtitles on? Always. I got subtitles on everything. But I watch them. I got to know. I got to listen. No, I got to look. I got to look. Because I don't also, I watch French stuff with French subtitles.

And often the subtitles are not right. You should write a letter. I have written a letter. That's why you're leaving the pod. You're going to be watching shows and correcting subtitles in your spare time. Yeah.

I also watched Midnight Mass on Netflix. You got to get into that. You will love it. Well, on the plane back from London, I was watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I hadn't seen the whole season. Yeah, same thing. It's Squid Game. It's just Squid Game, Beverly Hills. But it's fascinating to watch. I know you don't watch it, but there's this character, Erika Jayne, who has been basically implicated in her pending divorced husband's years and years of marriage.

fraud and embezzlement and stealing yeah and so the fact that any other celebrity in that type of scandal would sort of recede from society until it's resolved no she puts herself in america put on that fake hair and like yeah go like have do this show yeah while being like under a microscope i mean

She's probably going to be fighting for what? 10 cents to hopefully live on after this. And she has a whole season of her going on girls trips and wearing designer. And it's, it's so wild.

I would go full latchkey boxcar child, like burlap Dobby the Elf right away. Right away. I would show up the short, jagged brown haircut. Paint gray over my white veneers. Lay it on heavy. Yeah. You got to watch Midnight Mass though. So good. I'll watch Midnight Mass. So good. I mean, I have a lot going on.

International travel is usually where I get the most television watching done. Yeah. Yeah. So wait, anyways, there wasn't a raccoon in my bathroom. It was just a shelf that fell equally dangerous, equally dangerous. And I walked into the bathroom, but I still thought a raccoon was in there because I shaved my head and then got too tired. So I didn't clean it up. It's so gross. It's so gross. It's still in there. And then, and then my, my electric toothbrush is now in the pile of hair. I got those little scent things with the sticks. They're all everywhere. Yeah.

When you die in that apartment, which is like, I already, I can feel it. You're going to, you're going to die in that apartment. I'm moving. I just got the keys. I just got the keys. It's gorgeous. You know how like a cat will like climb into a closet to die. You're going to come back to the apartment in a couple of years when it's time to die and climb in bed with whoever lives there now. No, I'm going to go, I'm going to go perch up on the shelf in the bathroom, make a break and then die on the floor. I'm going to mung dive you on my own. Yeah.

Top dollar. I'm going to weekend. You got to wait though. Cause it says, so it really gets juicy. Yes. If you die, can I do some kind of like weekend at Bernie's like puppetry kind of number? I'm I'm that's going to be in the will. Nobody gets a cent unless I get Bernie on stage. Get Bernie. I get mung drip, mung dive it in Bernie. I need to be, I need to do a number. And so it gets really juicy. And then you get a question. What?

Who is Hunky Dory? Who is Hunky Dory? Please never let me get so much money that I don't know about phrases like Hunky Dory. Who is Hunky Dory? Who would play her?

The way she asks it, Kathy Hilton, such earnest. Yeah, she's like, who is that? Yeah, who is that? So funny. I've seen that clip a million times. Oh God, I have to get Botox again. Look at that. Ooh, I'm going to get it on Wednesday. I'm sensing movement. Yeah, I'm going to get it on Wednesday. I'm getting my lips done again too. Ooh, I got my, wait, wait, wait, wait, laser beams. I can tell you about laser beams. I got laser hair removal.

On what? My back. No, you didn't. I did. I did. They went zap, zap, zap. Laser beams. Does it hurt? It hurts a little bit. No, no. A laser. Laser. Electrolysis, I think, is the needle. Are you sure you didn't go to laser tag and just lay there? Naked. You thought it was a laser hair removal clinic and it was a laser tag and you just laid there nude? It was just paintball. Yeah, and little kids walked by, cried. I got it and I can't wait to go back.

Oh, yeah. Laser beams. I thought of a horrible joke. Do you want to hear it? Okay.

It's about kids. No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you later. I'll tell you later. Okay, okay. I hate kids. I know you do. I was at the airport and there was just this family and the kid was just, you know, there's the places in the airport where you sit and then there's like the ceramic or linoleum or tile middle where people walk. Yeah, yeah. There's a kid just sprawled out, just sprawled out laying. Ugh. And the family was just letting it happen. Ugh. That's like that woman. I wanted to walk by and act like I didn't see the kid and step right on their little grape head.

Was that your son? Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry. Why don't you get a spatula and peel him off the bottom of my size 14 Converse and get the fuck out of here. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Get a sitter or stay home for 18 years. I hate the kids. People flying with like a newborn. I'm like, you're right. Your six month old does need to see Germany. Eat shit. Don't go.

Don't go. Your kids aren't going to remember it. Save the money and give it to them when they can remember the memory. I think they're probably going because they need to go. Then leave the baby. Leave the baby. Put him in the microwave. Put him in the microwave. Leave one of your breasts at home. Put him in the microwave. Do what we do. Take the breasts off. Just leave them at home. Yeah, totally. Put him in the tub with some blankets and the breasts. Yeah. Oh, God. I want to look everyone in the face and grab them on the shoulder and go...

Not everyone feels what you feel for your children. To the rest of us, it's just this little bitch with sharp little nails who can't get a job. On the floor, though. Get the baby off the floor. Get the kid off the floor. Laying on the floor. No. Get the baby off the floor. You know what I'm a big fan of, though? I'm a big fan of, like, baby in public. Just, like...

pants off running around and the parents just like whatever yeah whatever yeah I was at the Gratitude Cafe downtown never again and there was a woman with a baby who was like probably three four toddler whatever and it was screaming and then it was writhing on the floor and in the in the

like there's in the walkway. So like everybody kept trying, almost stepping on the baby or the kid. And I was just like, control your fucking kid, bitch. Control your fucking kid. Get the fuck out of here. And she was like, so it was screaming. And then just, and then the waiter was almost stepped on. It was like, I want to kick that baby. It's horrible. I mean, I know that when you, when you have the child, you're a lot of hormones and stuff kick in and your brain, your brain shifts into a place where you, you like the kid. I understand. Or postpartum, you want to kill it.

But when I see the children, especially traveling with the child, I'm like, even going to the gas station with a kid is a mess. You're trying to be at the airport? Yeah. Airport? It's horrible. Airport? Oh, my God. Horrible. Oh, my God. I find myself wishing the plane will go down knowing I'm on the same goddamn flight. That's how much I hate the kid. Yeah. But you know what? Well, it's not even worth it because I'm in first class, so I can't even watch them die. Right. Right.

right i mean i'm gone i don't think any baby should be in first class put them in the children put them in the back also just chill not to be okay boomer i understand that i'm 70 and you're somewhere you know prehistoric but like toddlers just have ipads personal ipads what no never being shocked when like a 13 year old had a cell phone oh my god oh my god no give him some wooden blocks now like now like you go to one of those like um what is it called a baby shower

You give the kid one of the, you give the kid a Peloton. The kid comes out with a Peloton. Yeah. It's crazy. Nose hair trimmer. Oh Mary, I had one nose hair growing out of the nose the other day. Hair sticking out. And I didn't have a trimmer and I'm scared to stick scissors up my nose. So I plucked it. I don't think I've ever plucked a nose hair.

I think part of my brain came out. Oh, it's so painful. Instant tears, instant sneezing. Pain that just radiated across the face. It's so weird. Sometimes I'll rip them out with my fingers because it's desperate. Desperate times. Desperate times. And sometimes you don't feel it. Sometimes it's the most horrible pain in the world.

Well, you ever notice drag queens because we put so much makeup on? There are drag queens where they get makeup on the hair and there are a lot of drag queens with nose hairs coming out. With foundation on and powder. With foundation on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Might as well put a stone on it. Jesus. Two giant SS40 stones up the nostril. Breathe through the mouth.

Black jet stones, jet AB to right there. Well, I actually, when I was in beauty school, I was absent the week that they did the thing where you put the wax up the nose and you know. Oh yeah. The sticks, you pull the stick out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if I could ever get the gall to pull that stick out of someone's nose with all their hairs. What does that feel like? It's not good. Who would play her? Yeah, but imagine the relief of looking at it.

Yeah. That was the OG Hmong diving. It was a nose wax. Have you done the ear wax thing? No. Oh, okay. When I go ahead, I had my in-ears made, you know, the ears you wear on stage when you're singing. And I have very overactive ear wax in my ears, right? You used to have to get them cleaned as a kid all the time. And then I'm in front of my band and they're fitting my ear and she looks at my ear and she goes, we have to clean this. And then she's in front of the band cleaning my ears, pulling out

Just, just, just Titanic icebergs of wax chunks. And then the band is like, wow, that's a lot of wax. I'm like, yeah, I know. Don't worry about it. Damn. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I'm prepared to go to this music festival tonight. Um, and I think there's going to be a lot of drunk people. Austin city limits.

The only thing Austin City Limited tonight is my patience with this fucking heat. 90 degree. Could we do this in December, please? I can't believe you're doing it. Do you need to see Billie Eilish in 90 degree weather? Do you? Oh, wow. Oh, you're going to perform with Billie Eilish? No, she was here last night. Okay. Who's the headliner tonight? I think it's me, sadly. Oh, my God. No, I don't know who it is. Who's in the biggest fun? I didn't look at the schedule. I also never know any of the bands. Creed? We just... Well, um...

Whenever I work with a very famous person, like a music person, it's great for me because I'm never starstruck because I don't know a single fucking thing they've ever done in their lives. Right. Right. It's great. Yeah. Who would play her? Well, should we wrap it up? Let's wrap it up. This is the last one for a while. Let's wrap it up. There is something I wanted to say. I'm eating Soylent now. I saw that. Yeah. I'm not doing Ensure anymore. I moved on.

That's cool. I've I've I'm my weight is good. I'm I'm climbing the charts on the weight on the scale and I love that you're like a preemie and that we're just constantly trying to get you to gain weight. I was supposed to go to ballet. I said no ma'am. You're going to train me with weights. I'm not I'm not going to no ballet class. You say we're going to pump iron. Why? You would have loved it. It's it's too early. I don't want to go to ballet. Pilates. No, I know. I don't want to go to ballet. I want to lift weight heavy weights. Well, guess what bitch ballet you lift your own body, which is heavy.

Yeah. All those gymnasts you like do ballet. I know. I don't want to do ballet. I want to lift weights. Stop yelling. Did you know that nobody in drag wears a wig, makeup, or breasts anymore? Did you know that everyone's in a flat human hair unit with no makeup on, with no breast on? A flat, wet track. A flat, wet track. One flat, wet track. One track that is wet and no titties.

My new album, One Track Mind, and it's just me with one track glued to my head. Crying. Crying. Crying. Crying. I can't wait till this thing I worked on comes out because I need you to watch it and realize that no television show you've ever worked on ever had a dime compared to this. Oh my God. I cannot wait. I'm so excited.

Well, there's a strong possibility that I will be continuing a version of The Bald and the Beautiful with all guests. So if you at home have any guests that you'd like to see on the pod, please tweet me at TrixieMintel and let me know who you'd like to, and tag the person. Yeah. And thank you so much for listening to a whole year of pods. 52 episodes. People don't know this. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about this. They contract podcasts by yearly contract. So we signed in to do 52.

Yeah, we did. I can't believe we've done this 52 times. I know I can't either. I know. I don't want to complain. No. Wait, don't. Don't. Don't. Podcasting is a lot harder than you think it is. Let's just say that. Even when you don't have when you don't have like, you know, producers and segments and all that stuff, it's still a lot of work. And but I want to I want to I want to end. We should end on a beauty tip.

Oh yeah, this used to be a beauty podcast. It used to be a beauty podcast. So why don't we throw that home for a second? So we were trying to figure out a sign off. Yeah. And there was this one we did, but we never used it. Shine on. We never used it. Shine on, honey. What's your beauty tip? My beauty tip is simple. It's sleep, bitch.

Hours and hours of high quality uninterrupted slumber. There is nothing in your life.

both on the outside and the inside that cannot be drastically improved by a good night's sleep. If you think you're going to be a fly hot, sexy and beautiful and not sleep, let me tell you, you have another thing coming because it's not going to work out for you, baby. It's not good. There's no amount of foundation that's going to cover up that gray, scaly, craggy, bloodshot, fucking sallow mess. If you do not sleep. So get in the bed now. Yeah.

To piggyback on that, something even easier and more accessible, vampire facials. They're only about $1,000 each. You do have to schedule them weeks in advance. It does take about four or five days to heal. But they're very easy to find, easy to schedule, accessible to everyone. Yeah, everybody can eat. Affordable. Yep. Yeah. And if you can't get a vampire facial done... How about some water? Cut yourself open and rub your face in it. I mean, that's something. Yeah. Hmong diving. Hmong diving.

Do some mung diving. Yeah. Okay. Thank you all so much for listening. Shine on. Shine on.

Bye.