A Sizzling Summer Reading List with Sarah Schauer and Katya
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Good afternoon, everybody. Welcome back to The Bald and the Beautiful. Today, we actually have a guest that makes our title make sense. Beautiful, bald, it's Sarah Schauer. Thank you so much. Hi, guys. I'm Sarah Schauer and I'm not bald. Not bald at all. And your social security number was? All right. Pen 667-549-311.

Perfect. So enter that at the checkout and you'll get a free case of what? Probiotic poop water. Yes, that's what my social security is worth. We won't get SSI in our old age, but we will get cases and cases of colon broom soda. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had a colonic?

No, but I want to. You do? I've heard, is that that thing where they put the tube up your butt and then you poop on the table? I don't think you poop on the table. I think it sucks.

I think it's like hooked up to like a shop vac. Oh, yeah. And it's just like, it's just like, you know, vacuum sucks the poop out of your butt. What do you mean? If it's on the table, then what? Well, no, you lay down and it's like a silver table. And then there's like a dent in the middle where you can like it. You put the tube and then it just goes flows into the dent. Ergonomic steel poop table. Yeah. It's like how you're supposed to give birth standing up. You're supposed to shit laying down.

Give birth standing up. In 2024, we're giving birth standing up and we're pooping laying down. Yes. Yeah. And then we're having sex...

Above. Above. Suspended. Suspended. Okay, so wait. So I was like, we were chatting earlier about like, you know, Astrid, what do you want to talk about? And you're like, I've read 375 books this year. So. No, I've read 37 since the first of this year. I was trying to become self-actualized.

Oh, big. That's a really important thing. It's a huge ask. So where on the pyramid of self-actualization are you currently? I don't know. I think I have like my shelter, safety, intimate connections. I'm probably near in the top. But I know like that thing of when you get self-actualized, you say it like you actually...

Bump yourself down. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he's like, I'm enlightened. And then all of a sudden you become like a piece of shit murderer on death row. Yeah. So you have to, you have to harm. It's like a, that's it. It's like, I'm, and then fierce. So what's your favorite book so far? What My Bones Know by Stephanie Fu. It's about complex PTSD. Okay. So light reading. Yeah, yeah.

What my bones know. Yeah. What do your bones... I don't... Sorry. Okay. What is the lightest fairy? Any beach reads? Any beach reads. Like Danielle Steele, Dean Kuntz, um...

Nora Roberts, any barn burner romances, bodice rippers. No, they're mainly nonfiction. I would say the lightest thing that I've read is probably the newest hunger games. Okay. But that's because everyone was like, you got to read it. And I did. And they were like, dude, you did it.

Did you love it? I did. Yeah, yeah. I got into like the lore and I, you know, when you post a video on TikTok about, and then I activated a community I didn't realize was so passionate. Yes. There's a lot of passionate communities waiting to be activated on TikTok, which is why I try to stay as far away from TikTok as possible. Yeah. Because like,

One day I'll just be like, here's like a million, you know, photos of men's butts. Yeah. And then it's like, here's like a million photos of like, you know, 83 year old Vietnamese woman restoring like giant barn doors in the 17th century. It's so specific. It's so insane. I have been reading Dune, which is the Aquarius.

The equivalent of 37 books? Yeah, yeah. And it actually kind of is. You said 3,000 pages. That was a generous estimate, but it was a lot of words. Yeah. Can I tell you something? Yes. That first book is so fucking riveting. Really? I cannot fucking stand it. Oh, is it good? It's not good. Oh, it's bad riveting? No, no. It's amazing. Okay. Like, I think the listeners are probably at this point have...

off their, you know, taking out their earbuds or just like crashed into a tree at the mention of Dune. Yeah. But like, you got to read that shit. Dune? Dune. I'll listen to it on audiobook. No,

I can't do that. Well, I try. So I was like halfway through the series and I was going on a long flight and I was like, oh, I'll get the audio book. Whoever read that, flop. Yeah. Was it a man? It was a man. Oh, that'll do it. Sigourney Weaver should read every audio book. That would be so nice. You know what I mean? Like it was like he was doing voices. He's like, and Bob said, what are you doing? I was like, come on.

We're not doing like the little like story time, the little kid stuff. Yeah. I want like an older woman who smokes and she's got like that mealy thing on the side of her lip. Or yeah, the white things too. Kathleen Turner. Yeah. Body heat. No, that'd be nice with a Dune book. Yeah. I'd be like, or I'd be like, I mean, I can't even do her voice, but yeah. A thick coat of like 30 years of alcoholism and like two and a half packs a day. That's like gives it the nice...

Yeah. You know, like how you can film like movies and then you see people stand up like in the bootleg movie, you know,

Oh, yeah, yeah. If you have your camcorder in the theater. Yeah, I love a bootleg audio book where you can hear like the family arguing in the back. Oh, totally. There's domestic violence happening in the back. There's somebody who's like frying eggs. And then somebody's like, Mom, where's my right? That's cunty, actually. Yeah. Well, it's like that, that YouTube, you know, that Trixie and I talk about all the time, the lo-fi beats that gets, you know, music to study to or like,

you know, music to study to filmed during the moon landing in 72 and like a tenement building in New Jersey. It's like, that's so crazy. Oh, I love that. I love like ASMR, like gynecologist visit. Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

What? The ASMR community gets so specific. Oh, I know. Yeah. And, but the thing is, is I was doing this video with an ASMRtist and we were reviewing if it was good ASMR and the gynecology exam was pretty thorough and actually incredibly relaxing. So I was like, this is really good. So you're getting, you get to save on medical insurance. Yes. You can skip the gyno visit and you can relax. Yes.

Wow. I hope that like, damn, Blue Cross better not know about this channel. So what is it like? Are they whispering or? Yeah, yeah. They're like, everything seems to be in order down here.

There are some polyps. We've located a cyst, but it's okay. We went and removed it, and there's going to be no extra charge on that. I trimmed down the hair, and I pinned it off to the side. I hope a landing strip is okay, because it seems like that's the fashion nowadays. Yeah. Now you can actually shit on this table, too. Yeah, but if you want to have sex, we need to suspend you, but don't worry.

So I actually, I, I did this, I did a series of ASMR videos. Like we filmed them a while ago and haven't released them. Um, I think maybe because they're bad, but we'll see. Um, but I, I,

I wish, well, I guess I was going to say I wish ASMR was around when I was younger, but YouTube wasn't around when I was younger. So I guess, you know, but do you have that tingle response? Do you get that like ASMR tingle? Yeah. It's like a bubbles going up my spine. Oh, it's, it's, it's, it's the best thing ever. Yeah. It's like, um, there's this dude called Jojo ASMR. He has got a channel of like 4 million subscribers. He's like a young guy.

uh, he's like, he looks like a child. He's probably in his twenties, this Australian. And he has some of his videos. It, it gets to the, the tingles get to the point of like actual confusion. Cause I'm like, this is so sensational that it, but it's not erotic. It's not sexual, but it like, it really like bumps against that realm. Yeah. And, um,

And then he gets like, he's got some gear that is very impressive, like $20,000 microphones or whatever. And like all these like effects. So it's like, I get to the point where my tongue's hanging out of my mouth. My eyes are rolling back in my head. And I'm like, this is...

I'm so jealous of like the kids these days that have all of the whole fucking library of ASMR videos at their disposal. You, I mean, you have also the internet at your disposal. I do? Yeah. Is that on the computer? No, I know. But I mean, like it's, I don't know. It's, I feel like it's one of the rare sort of like neighborhoods on YouTube that is from more or less pure. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because you have, you can't violate the rules of the agreement. Like you can't have the guy know visit be like, so now get on the

on the table and then start screaming because people will never come back to your channel. Yeah. You know what I mean? So there's like a, there's like a,

A really like upstanding code of ethics or conduct for that kind of, for that hashtag. Now that I'm thinking about it, I would love a gyno visit, but it's like HIPAA violation. She's like, I really shouldn't say this. But Julia Roberts just came in and her pussy is so fucking fat. The fattest pussy. And I loved her in Notting Hill, but I can't watch that movie anymore. I can't look her in the eyes. I know. I can't believe that Richard Gere didn't make a comment about it on Pretty Woman. Yes.

Because when he went down on her, he should have said, oh my God, your pussy's so fat. That would be, oh my God. ASO, no, lo-fi beats at the gyno.

With a HIPAA violation right after the Korean War. Exactly. That would be cunty. Okay, so give me another. On your syllabus of books this semester, what else have you been reading? I read Hijab Butch Blues, which is like Stone Butch Blues, but the author is Muslim. And so they were talking about. That's it. Muslim Jesus. I'm just kidding. Go ahead. I actually believe the Muslim Jesus is Jesus.

Sorry, that's actually a very accurate joke. Let's take a break now. No, I swear, because it's an Abrahamic religion, but it was really good. Okay, so now, you know, I thought this was going to be light and breezy. Now you're coming in with all these degrees, all this knowledge. What do you think? This is some kind of Harvard... Business school. This is Harvard Business School. Wait, okay, so hijab. Butch Blues, yeah. Butch Blues, which is...

Um, it's like Stone Butch Blues, but- Which is Stone Butch Blues? Well, if you're like a lesbian, it's like, um, essential reading, you know, to like learn about like butchness. Okay. So it's like, is it like, um, the, is it like the Velvet Rage for, no. What's that? I don't know. It's like, that's like a, hey, so you're gay. Here's why. Sorry. It's one of those books. It's one of those books that like-

If you're gay, you should probably read it. Oh, yeah. You should definitely read it. But a gay man. Sorry, a gay man. Yeah. I mean, I always recommend that gay men read lesbian books because sometimes I feel like no one really thinks about lesbians. No shit. Yeah. I think in the alphabet soup pecking order –

It's funny that the L comes first, but I think if a lot of these F words had their, had their say, the L would not be, it would be like G, F, G, F, gay, fag, gay, fag, lesbian. They would erase the B because they're like, that doesn't exist. And then, I mean, it's true though that I think, don't you think that is like a, like a persistent kind of myth that bisexual people

People are like not there.

I think they're there. I think there's, I, I wouldn't say that they should, I think that they're great in that. Well, I do too, but the people still don't believe it. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's their own problem. Like, I mean, it's, what is it like monosexism where like people assume that you can only be attracted to one gender. That's why they believe like gay and lesbian over bisexuality because they can't wrap their mind around being attracted to like multiple genders. True. I mean, up until two years ago, I couldn't wrap my head around hot dog nachos. Yeah.

Can't wrap my mouth around it. Thank you. Hello. What if we took a caller? It's Rachel Ray. She's like, I've got a 30 minute recipe for hot dog nachos. Yeah.

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Okay, so back to your syllabus. Uh-huh. What other insanely dense academic works have you been...

Chewing on. Insanely dense. Not, well, I read Cast by Isabel Wilkerson. Okay, what's that about? The cast system in America. Oh, I thought it was cast. It was like mama cast biography. No, no, no, no. Okay. The cast system in America. Yeah, it very much, how like India has a cast system and America has a cast system. But yeah, and so that was really eye-opening and great. Would you say there's mobility in the American cast system versus the Indian one?

It really depends. Economically, there is mobility, but when it comes to different levels or different types of ways that you can be marginalized, not so much. But with the...

I don't remember. I read it so long ago. Now I'm like, I'm misquoting like an incredibly important word. It's okay. If you get anything wrong, people will just, they'll let us know and then we can just push you off the balcony next week. It's immediate. Like we post this as soon as I... Vote in the comments if Sarah should just off herself. Oh my God. Wait, so the, who would you think the upper...

Are there like titles to the cast? The Untouchables is at the bottom, right? Yes. And then who would be at the top? The Illuminati? No. There actually is names to the cast systems in India, but I don't remember them. What about in America? Well, I mean, it's like the elite. It's like the 1% would be like... The Illuminati. Yeah. Is that real? I mean...

Okay. I mean, is the baby blood pizza shop under Hillary Clinton's, is that real? No, no, no. Hmm.

Okay, so we got at the top of the American cast system, we have the elite. Yeah. The A-listers. Yes. The ultra. But now I feel like there's shifting going on because you have Mr. Beast, who I learned about maybe a year ago. Uh-huh. Who's worth about $400 billion. Yeah, he has so much money. It's insane. He's the number one YouTuber. Yes. I believe. Yeah. And his videos are... I was like so...

like, blown away. He's like, on today's video, we're going to give away 47 Lamborghinis, but we're going to drop them from a helicopter. Yeah. And the first person to catch it with their bare hands wins. I mean, it's like, what the fuck? It's insane. But so I would argue that he and Julia Roberts in a cage match. Side by side, yeah. I don't think Julia would come out on top in terms of her, like, status. No, no. In terms of economic weight class, I actually think Mr. Beast may be...

above Julia Roberts. All right. Let's, okay, quickly. So American cast cage match. Start with, we'll start with, um, Charlize Theron, Julia Roberts. Okay. And they are representing the elite. So who's winning in the cage match? Charlize Theron. And who was the other one? Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts.

Uh, Charlize Theron because she played monster and I think that she could get back into that pretty easily. And also Fury Road. Yeah. Yeah. She could drive a car right over Julia's giant teeth. Yeah. What has Julia done? Pretty woman. I know I'm saying like in terms of dangerous characters in a movie. Um, oh, that's the good. You were about to hit me. You know what? No, that's, I mean, I think the most, the most dangerous she gets is mystic pizza and she could just, you know, she'll make your pizza, like she'll serve it too hot and then you'll burn your mouth or something. Yeah. Yeah. Um,

Pretty Woman? Pretty Woman. She could, I mean. Tap in Richard Gere. She's pretty benign though. I mean, she takes a bubble bath and she helps you drive your Lotus. Yeah. Like it's a very, it's not a very like, I think the, what is the most evil Julia Roberts character? I don't think she does evil very well. Was she in any animated movies?

Okay, so let's say Charlize. Okay, so Charlize versus Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney Weaver because her name is just so like, I don't know. I don't know anyone else named Sigourney. Me neither. Sigourney Weaver versus Beyonce. Probably Beyonce because she's a bit younger. Okay, Beyonce versus Taylor Swift and Anya Taylor-Joy. Beyonce. Okay, Beyonce versus the entire group.

Continent of Europe. Well, I think they would all just submit. Yeah, that's fair enough. And also, why are they in the American caste system? Listen, it doesn't have to make sense. That's a fair point, actually. Wait, so I'm getting back to books. Yeah.

When I started the Dune book, the first one. Okay. I think it was probably the first book I read cover to cover in like less than a week. Oh. And at 42 years old, that's kind of not very impressive and a little bit embarrassing, but you got to get into that shit. Yeah, you do. I don't think that's not impressive. I think there's a large illiterate population and you've bested them. Yeah. You hear that? You fucking illiterate fucks. I can read and you can't. So...

No, it's fucking riveting. And of course, I'm obsessed with the movies, but like, oh man, that book gets my pussy in a knot so much. Yeah. I can't, I don't really do, like, I don't seek out sci-fi as like my primary genre of interest, but...

This fucking book is so thick and good and juicy. You've got to get into it. I've never read it or seen the movies, but I trust you. You've never seen the movies? No, no. It's the one where they're driving those cars that are like... Yes, it's super fast. Yeah. And they turn into like other stuff like... Like Transformers. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It's...

In the desert. In the desert. Is Dune. No, it's not Transformers. Oh. It's the worms, giant worms, Timothee Chalamet. Oh. Does he have worms? Well, do you know the rumor about him? That he spread a venereal disease through NYU. I have.

Okay. Yeah. And I, that's just a rumor. Timothy Chalamet, we love your work and we would never insinuate that you, you know, send a rip roaring case of VD through, um, your, uh, undergrad college, but that's kind of cunty though. Yeah. Yeah. Leave your mark on a place. Exactly. Legacy work. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. What other books?

Oh, God. What would you recommend to me? Just pretend that I'm the stupidest person in the world and I'm looking to get into reading after a long hiatus, even after having written a couple of books. You've written books? Oh, yeah. I think there's one right around here. Oh, yeah. I read your book. The Joy of Anal Sex and then What to Expect When You're Expecting. Yeah. Anal sex. Yeah.

I still can't get over the steel table with the... The poop, yeah. It's just, I mean, what else would you recommend? Like...

Cause you got to catch it in a bowl. You got to catch it in a bowl. Yeah. I mean, okay. No, back to the books, back to the books. I don't have a book for the stupidest person ever. I was going to recommend undoing drugs. Undoing drugs. Yeah. What does that, what does that mean? About harm reduction. Tell me, tell me, tell me. Okay. So it's a book on harm reduction and like the clean needle movement, you know? So harm reduction for the people who don't know is like,

So if like, if total abstinence is like not in the, in the picture, it's what, it's like, how do I do the least amount of damage? Yeah. Like, um, so like, uh,

You need like clean needles. In the 80s, there was like the AIDS epidemic, obviously. And like with intravenous. Never heard of it. Yeah, yeah. So and so like people who use we're reusing dirty needles and they were like, you're already shooting up drugs. You should probably like like you don't want also AIDS on top of that. So they started bleaching needles and then they were like, that does work. But you know, what works better is like a clean needle program.

Right. And so harm reduction is like, well, then aren't you encouraging people to use drugs? It's like, no, you're just providing like a safer method because these are people who use drugs, but they also deserve to live and be, you know, healthy. What a novel, compassionate approach I think is, I don't think that's the official American policy. But no, I mean, what was it? I think Portugal decriminalized drugs like years and years ago. I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. And then

And I also there's like a I think it's in Vancouver. But but there's like overwhelming evidence over the last I don't know since the 80s since Nancy fucking Reagan. Yeah. I was like just don't you know just don't do it. Yeah. You know that was the the real wisdom and the war on drugs spectacular failure. Yeah. But like I've always thought it's like just make everything better.

Make everything legal. Yeah. Like doing drugs is a health issue. Yes. Public health issue. Yeah. Not a law enforcement issue. No, it's not. It's crazy. Yeah. The war on drugs has done horrible damage to like literally every community. And people are always like, that's not an issue that I'm going to deal with. But like most people don't realize that people get into drugs because of like medical issues.

No fucking shit. Dude, I had to turn off the... I started watching Painkiller, that documentary on... Or not the documentary. The show on Netflix about the fucking Sackler family. The makers of Oxycontin. I had to turn that shit off. Oh my God. Do you want to know something heartbreaking? I wish I knew her name, but there was this lady in Undoing Drugs. Her son OD'd. He died. And she didn't know about Narcan, but she also didn't know that her husband invented Narcan. What? He did not tell her because he said it never came up.

And her son OD'd. The man that she was married to. Are you serious? I'm dead serious. That is actually one of... That is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. No, I know. That's the craziest thing I've read in a book this year. It never came up. And knowing that her son was an active drug user. That is like... I'm trying to think of an analogy and I literally can't. It's like I've been...

I've been running track barefoot this whole time and I'm married to Bob Nike. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm like coming home with, I'm after practice, got blisters, corns, bleeding feet. What can I do about this? And I'm like, Bob, you know, it was a great day at the track, but Jesus Christ, you know, I just, these fucking feet, I don't know if I'm going to make it to the Olympics. He's like, ah, that's tough. Yeah. What the fuck? No, I know. And so like, um, apparently they, they split up not after, not because of that, but like she was like in,

In her, like when she was talking about it, she was like, it's just, you know, it was an accident. He never like thought to, and I was like, he actually hates you. Like there's no way that that's not like malicious. Damn. Yeah. That is, that's like, that's not just like, oh, it slipped my mind. Yeah. It's like we had a major disagreement over Julia Roberts's movies. Yes. And then I, I fought that resentment festered until our son died. Yes. Damn. It's awful. Fucking hell. Um, the, uh, I was like,

What was it? It was the thing about the oxys. Because the opiates like ravaged, you know, like West Virginia area. Yeah. And there was, I remember reading about this woman who, she had like a back surgery or something. And she would get, she would continue to get these prescriptions from her doctor and would sell the pills to like, you know, kids in the neighborhood for like $80 a pill. Oh, wow. And then became like an opiator.

Over the years just became like a fucking... Like a housewife drug kingpin. Oh my gosh. Crazy. Yeah, well, I mean, that's... That happens. Yeah. It's crazy how like most people who like get on drugs, like you just... You probably got like your wisdom teeth removed or like something like that. And then your prescription stopped and you're like... Now you're hooked on it. I never went... I mean...

Not that I have any experience with drugs, but hypothetically speaking, I would, I am so glad that I never got on that opioid train. Yeah. Because a friend of mine was like explaining to me that sometimes in withdrawal, a paper cut feels like you're getting, you're committing like seppuku, like you're getting disemboweled. Yeah. The pain receptors are so fucking blown out. My level of my tolerance for pain is so low and I'm such a wimp that I would,

I mean, the first day withdrawal, I'd probably just jump off a bridge to the 405. Yeah, a lot of people, well, actually, I'm sorry. Yeah, they do. Sorry, sorry. So keeping things light is that I just, I can't, I was talking to my mom before I came here about sedation dentistry. Okay. Is that where you put down a dentist? Once and for all? Yeah.

That would be so fierce. Asian dentistry is a new service that allows you to euthanize your dentist. Oh my God. No, because like over the years, like I've, I don't know what it is. Like, I don't know what I've done to these dental hygienists, like what kind of vendetta they have against me. But clearly there's something because the, the way that they approach my mouth with those tools is like, it's like,

It's archeological. Yeah. It's like, it's like those, those activities that, that a therapist would recommend for like stress, like ax throwing. Oh yeah. Yeah. You know, it's, they, they Indiana Jones my mouth to a level that is so abusive that

so painful and so I feel unnecessary that I need to be put under if I'm going to the dentist. What I noticed about the dentist is like the people who like clean your teeth are so mean about it. And then the dentist walks in and he's like, you look great. Mama, he strolls, after he finishes his third Mai Tai down the street at a restaurant, comes and he's like,

Still got a mouth? Okay, great. Yeah. And then he goes like, that'll be $4,000. It's so fucked up. Yeah. But that's like the relationship between like nurses and doctors and then hygienists and dentists. It's like they get all the grunt. Maybe it's like they have to do all the shitty work so they just like take it out on your mouth. Yeah. I just, it's so crazy. There's one, the last time I went to have a cleaning, which was like two years ago, the woman, while she was picking apart, literally hacking my face apart, she was telling me about

and how she's been dating. Yeah. With a flagrant disregard for what's going on. It was so crazy. I was like, so you're going to like mutilate my mouth, but then also give me every detail of like six or seven dates you've gone on in the last six months. It was so absurd. Yeah. I was like, fuck. I had my wisdom teeth taken out and they didn't put me down. They just kind of like numb the area and I could hear it cracking. And at one point the tool slipped into my mouth and he was like, oh,

And you had to pull it out. Are you serious? And I was like... A similar thing happened. It was not like total... I forget what kind of anesthesia they call it, but you are... No, it's... It wasn't local. It wasn't general because I was...

I think it's what you had. I could feel that crunch. Yeah. That pickle lady, when you get that crunch. Oh, yeah, yeah. You could feel it. And it was so weird because it was a pressure, but it wasn't pain. Yeah. That is so fucked up. It is crazy. It's so fucked up. Yeah. I had all four with just like... At the same time. Yeah. Did you love? No, because they didn't let me keep my teeth. You know, I think if...

If a presidential candidate really wants to clinch the victory, they need to run on the following platform. Okay. Allow patients to bring home their biohazardous wastes. And I'm a single issue voter. Thank you. Yeah. If I get in a motorcycle accident and the leg gets chopped off, I'm going home with the leg. No. Yeah. If you refrigerate it or put it in formaldehyde, why can't you keep it?

These are questions that really should be asked at the next debates. Like, if I can bury my cat in the front yard, why can't I keep my amputated leg? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Thank you. It's like, why can't I sleep with my amputated arm every night? Have you ever seen a libertarian presidential debate? No.

Okay, so this is exactly what it sounds like. They're like, human rights, you should be able to keep your leg after it's been amputated. If you got a helicopter, you should be able to drive it naked, scoot your butt out the side, and then blow ass all the whole rest of the... I was like, yeah, they really... Libertarian, correct me if I'm wrong, is like, anything goes. Yeah, like, if you watch the debate, there's a guy in a full wizard costume.

And then there's a guy with a boot on his head. And then there's one man in a suit. Yeah, the other is like cradling a giant fish tank filled with dead fish. Yeah, it's like fierce.

Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast, Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later. I don't want to talk about politics, but I just feel at this point

We have the gray corpse, Mr. Biden. We've got the wacko, Trump. I feel like maybe like a wild card libertarian, like of the kind that you're describing, could really bring us out of this nightmare. Let's get Mr. Beast in the running. No, but he's too, he's, yeah, he's powerful, rich, but he, it makes too much sense. I feel like we need the absurdity of the libertarian, like somebody whose primary platform talking points would be

No more toilets. Okay. Diapers for everybody. Yeah. And we need to harness the power of- Of wind. Of wind.

of wind for evil. Yeah. If you like put the windmills in the opposite direction, it actually sucks out energy. There's too much. We have an energy surplus. We need to suck back the wind into the ground to poison the soil. Yeah. Yeah. And get all these volcanoes going. Yes. Oh my God. So we need someone like super evil.

Yeah, but in a fun way. Okay. Like Marianne Williamson's bizarro version. Like the dark Marianne. Okay. I'm trying to think of what she looks like. So she's like a very attractive older woman with brown hair and she's like, we got to harness the power of love. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I'll vote for her if that's what she runs with. I mean, she's...

She seems like a very nice lady. She does. She's a little, I think a little woo-woo for the more cynical, pragmatic crowd, of course. But, you know, if you had to choose between getting dropped into a volcano or getting like, what is it? Thrown into a huge industrial wood chipper. Oh, God. Are you throwing me in head first or feet first, the volcano? A dealer's choice.

Okay, then wood chipper, I guess, is dealer's choice too. And the wood chipper is enormous. It's like the size of this room. And it's like at full blast. A lot of juice powering that thing. Oh, God. I think, you know, like when you're too scared to get in cold water, so you stick a hand in? I think I would stick my hand into the wood chipper, let myself bleed out, and then I'd fall into it just so I don't have to experience the full crush. Because I know that I would be alive for most of the boiling, right?

And I can't do that. That's cunty. Yeah. I just let it rip my hand off. Yeah. It's like, oh, interesting. Come what may. Come on in. The water's lovely. I acclimate to the wood chipper. You pull back the body set up. You're like, actually, this is cunty. Was that so bad?

- Are you an avid swimmer? Do you like swimming? - No, no, I wear too much makeup. - Oh shit. - Yeah, I quit the swim team in middle school 'cause I started wearing makeup and they were like, "For butterfly, you gotta put your head in the water." And I was doing this like- - Not with these lashes on. - No, seriously, I was like, "It'll mess up my makeup, so I can't." And they were like, "Well, you're not even doing butterfly at this point. You're literally just bobbing up and down." - You're thinking ahead.

Also, isn't swim practice like four in the morning? Yeah, it was really early. That is fucking insane to me. Well, they can't do it midday because they got to take it at school. Why not? I don't know. I mean, like you go back to social studies, literally just soaking wet. That's cunty. Did y'all shower at the school? No, not really.

We never showered in high school. No. I mean, we showered at home. Yeah, at home. But all these movies where people, like, you know, Carrie, all these movies where people are, like, showering in high school boggles my mind. I've never experienced that, thank God. Yeah, I'm too high maintenance. I feel like I wouldn't be able to do my makeup fast enough and I just, I'd go home. Yeah, that's probably the most stressful situation I could ever imagine, getting naked in high school with all those fucking assholes. Yeah. What other books?

Um, because we are bad. It's about OCD. I don't have OCD. I just wanted to read about what it's like. And it was really eye opening. Okay. Yeah. And, um, what are some of the revelations?

Um, well, I've talked to a lot of people with OCD now and a lot, a fair portion of them. And the author of the book was like, I thought I was schizophrenic because like my compulsions were like so strong that I thought like someone was talking to me. Fuck. Yeah. But, um, no, it's just, you're like, um, internal dialogue. Damn. Yeah. Like the Maria Bamford thing. I'm worried. I'm going to, uh,

kill my parents, cut them up into chunks, then have sex with the chunks. Yeah, yeah. Very real. Very real. I... God, I'm trying to... Besides Dune, you've only... What else have you read? Well, okay, so Dune. Yeah. Dune 2. Yes. Or Dune Messiah. Yes. Then Children of Dune, of course. Children of Dune. And then God Emperor of Dune, which is where I currently am. Okay. Which is a 3,500-year jump in the Dune-osphere. Yeah. Where the...

So this guy decides to get covered in what's called sand trout. Okay. And then he turns into a large worm.

And then he's a large worm dictator on the planet that Dune takes place on. And it's so fucking weird. I got to admit, it's not exactly, it's a little bit of a slog getting through this part. But spoiler alert, he's fallen in love. With a worm? No, no, he's the worm. He's fallen in love with a lovely little woman who was sent to his planet to woo him. And so the God Emperor Worm is a...

He's like catching feelings for this lovely lady, but he has no more genitals. I was going to say, I was like, is this like a little mermaid situation where he goes to a witch and gets a penis? It's very that, but it's a big mermaid in the sand. It's like enormous mermaid in the sand. So like imagine Ariel, but dry and like 6,000 times the size. But he's got a little face. His face is cute. And he's got like a little cowl neck thing going on. And I guess his limbs, his legs have kind of like,

kind of wasted away into little nubs. But he has a giant cart that he can do wheels or suspensors. Does she find him attractive?

Um, I think that she is, she loves him. Oh, I don't think that she finds them attractive. It's because it's like a shape of water situation shape, except dry. Okay. Yeah. It's like the shape of water with the water. It's, um, yeah, actually it kind of is. It's, it's very crazy. It's, um, but I'm, I'm trying to get through this part because I think in the next book there is a, um, a society or like a,

a sect of women who are like, they're like, how to describe it? They're kind of like space sex nuns. Oh. Who are like, they use their sexuality to like destroy and enslave people. And I can't wait to get to those ladies. Where does the nunnery come in? Well, so there's a, in the previous books, it's called the Bene Gesserit, which are like the sisterhood of like space witches. Okay. And they can like, I'd be like,

Drink the Red Bull. And then you just, it would like force you to drink it so they can use like all these kinds of, exactly. See, it worked. Fall in love with the worm. And then there's another one. There's like an even evil version of, another sisterhood of like evil women who, I think that they try to kill all the, I don't know. It's just, it's just fucking awesome. Like I'm so horny for it.

Okay. I'm horny for evil women using sex as a weapon. Oh, yeah. I love that. You know? Yes. It's cunty. It is. I'm trying to think of a movie of horny women who use it for evil. Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman. Yes. Julia Roberts. Yeah. I mean, she'll seduce you. She'll teach you how to drive a manual transmission. Yeah. And then she'll also advocate for safety with all those condoms in her boot. She will. What was evil about that? Um.

Well, you know, that movie was supposed to be much darker. Was it? Was it like the, you know, like the original, like, what are those movies that little kids watch? Cartoons? No, from Disney. Oh. The Brothers Grimm? Yes, like fairy tales. Oh, yeah. I would love like a Brothers Grimm version of Julia Roberts movies.

Oh, hell yeah. So we could be... Like Pretty Woman except she kills Richard Gere by pushing him off the balcony and steals his wallet. Ugly bitch. It would be called ugly bitch. Yes, ugly bitch. Ugly bitch. And yeah, she would... It's weirdly in German. Definitely. Yeah. Yeah, she's... It would just be a role reversal where she was the ruthless real estate developer who goes like cruises down Hollywood Boulevard looking for male gigolos to then kill them. Yes. I think that's monster. Yeah. Actually, fuck.

Um, yeah, there's seriously, I, Julia Roberts to me, I think about her every day. Yeah. What was she in most recently? She was in some shitty movie on Netflix where there was some kind of, um, post-apocalyptic event that I, I slept through and then I woke up and she and another person were surrounded by a bunch of deer. Oh, okay.

We bought a zoo. Yeah, literally. Yeah. Just a bunch of deer. And then, I don't know, Mona Lisa Smile. I don't know. Nothing tops Pretty Woman. No. They did three versions when they shot it. Yeah. So they did three takes allegedly or apparently every time they filmed. They did a funny one or like a light one. Okay. They did a serious one and then they did a wild card. Okay. So the director would be like, okay, let's do it playful. Okay.

Okay, let's do it dark. It's like, do whatever you want. Put a paper bag over your head. Isn't that crazy? So they had three different options for the tone of the movie. I do love the idea of cutting the clips together and there's one random clip of her with a paper bag over her head. Paper bag over her head, dish gloves, smoking three cigarettes. It's crazy. Oh God. Speaking of which, have you had the pleasure of watching In Just Like That? No. Okay, don't do it. Is it, what is it?

What is it? Like, what's it about? That's a really good question. It's a really good question that I think we should probably just cruise past. It's one of the most befuddling series ever to exist on HBO. Okay. Starring Sarah Jessica Parker.

Oh, yeah. Continuation of Sex and the City. At her current age? Yeah. Sorry. No, it's actually 3,000 years in the future. She's an ancient crone trying to get to the bottom of what's the beating pulse of Manhattan sex life. No. Oh, it's just crazy. It's so bad. What other books? What other books?

Um, give me something. Give me something. Um, so we got OCD. Yes. Hijabs. Yes. We've got, um, complex PTSD, PTSD. Um, anything on spina bifida rickets? Um, Oh God, I did do unwell women. Um, what's that? It's about like medical discrimination against women throughout history. However, it's very white feminism and that it's all about barbiturates and then it gets nothing on the war on drugs.

Oh, damn. Well, barbiturates are wild. They are. Barbiturates are 60s, 70s? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Goofballs. I don't know anyone who's taken any. Well, because they don't exist anymore. Yeah. As I think. Because I think benzos replaced barbiturates because I think they found barbiturates to be so dangerous. Yeah. And back then, they were popping pills like candy. And drinking. Yeah.

Oh yeah. Yeah. I think Barb, it's like take a few purple pills, wash it down with a dry martini and then, um, you know, go to sleep forever. Yeah. Crazy. You don't realize that you're roofing yourself basically every day, but literally. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I,

I'm trying to convince some investors to get on the ground floor of this really ingenious idea I have about a thing called SkyMed, which is a first-class airline service in the airplane where you can basically get any drug you want. So it's like imagine a traveling nurse

Instead of a flight attendant. Yeah. So they're like, oh, you're in 3C right this way. Would you like any hot nuts or like a... Koi lutes? Yeah, because I beat drip of Xanax for the 16-hour flight. Yeah. And so you, they like...

It's like the fifth element. They like tranq you to sleep an hour before you land. They give you a little pet pill, a little breakfast, hot towel. You're ready for your business meeting. Oh, I love that. Don't you think they could make like a ton of money? Yeah, I think like aren't airplanes like follow like the same laws as ships where like... Maritime law. Yeah, like but I think they go across...

according to the country that they're from. However, at a certain altitude, I feel like you should be able to swap hills. Absolutely. Because it's like, who are we governed by? I know. If we're like...

If we're 35,000 feet above Morocco, does it really make a difference if we're 35,000 feet above Japan? Yeah. I mean, I would love that. You know, sometimes you need a Xanax and you got to ask the person behind you. I know. And then it's the whole awkward thing if they refuse and then there's 16 hours left on this flight and you got a resentment. Yeah. I mean, 18 hour flights. Yeah.

That's tough. I've never been on one. I've been on a 10-hour flight from London, but that's pretty much it. What did you do? How did you pass the time? I read books. This is where you read the 36 books. Yeah, all at once. No, yeah, because I didn't want to pay for Wi-Fi, and so I was like, I guess I'll rough it. And then I just opened a book for the first time. And I was like, this is something. There's something here, dude. Wait, do you guys know about books? Damn. I don't know. I really feel like it would be...

I would go back, like, harken back to the olden days where, like, in the 60s, or, like, those Pan Am flights where people were, like, swing dancing, having steak Diane, smoking cigarettes. It was, like, a free-for-all. Like, judo lessons in the back of the plane. It was, like, a whole different scenario. I would love that. I think the reason why you can't move around as much because, like, weight distribution, but if, like, the center of the plane was just for dancing...

I feel like it'd be fine. Especially square dancing where it's like kind of, um, there's a, there's like a pattern. Yes. It's like, or, um, what do you call it? Um, the electric slide. Oh yeah. Yeah. We're all moving in unison. Yeah. Yeah. And we'd have to get a little bit, the first, like the trials would be a little tough because you'd have to get everybody involved. Of course, there's always going to be the guy who's like, I don't want to dance. We're like, well, you have to. Yeah. Um, like a flash mob on a plane. Yeah.

A drugged flash mob on a plane. That would be amazing. That would be, yeah. I think that would probably solve a lot of the hardships that Boeing's going through right now. Yeah, you wouldn't need those cops on planes anymore. People are dancing. Let's see what else. So how long do you want to live until?

Oh, God. I think if it wrapped up right now, I'd be fine. Okay. So I'm kind of just like, whenever it happens. It's all gravy from here on out. Yeah. I don't really have any like other thing that I'm trying to accomplish. I mean, I'm like, I love doing stand up. I love reading. I love Legos. I've got like some medication. I'm sober. Like, I mean, I'm doing great. And I don't think I'm going to die naturally. You know what I mean? No. Okay. Okay.

You think it's a hideous car crash? Oh, yeah. I always, whenever I see those news clips of someone finding a suitcase along the side of the road, I'm like, I feel like that's going to be me soon. Wait, wait. What's in the suitcase? People. You know, like when you, there's always a renter in the morning who's like, I was just trying to get my 25 and then I smelled this thing and I was like, that's, I don't know why, but I feel like that's... A suitcase full of

A person. Yeah. Chopped up. Crushed in half. Damn. I mean, fuck. So how old are you now? I'm 29. 29? Yeah. I think it's a little early for the suitcase on the side of the road treatment. Well, it's not my choice. It's true. That's up to the killer. It's dealer's choice. Yeah. We'll end on this. Are you aware of Wendy Williams' long, years-long preoccupation with the killer? No. No.

Oh, God. Okay. Well, your homework after you finish your 40th book is go online and just look up. There's super cuts everywhere. She is, I think, you know, and I don't want to poke fun at mental illness, of course, because I think that there's probably some mental illness at play here. Okay. But she incessantly refers to the killer as an existentialist.

an existential threat that is always looming. Okay. She's like, she had Martha, she had, she's talking about infinity scarves. Okay. These are great, you know, because you can't, the killer can't grab a hold of them and strangle you. Oh, interesting. The killer. Yeah. The clear and present danger of the always lurking

Yeah, that kind of reminds me of I read this book called The Collected Schizophrenias. And there's this delusion that you can have where like you feel like your loved ones have been replaced with doubles.

Love it. The killer. Yeah. Sorry. I feel like that's a delusion I'm going to read about actually. Oh, I love that. It's like sleeping with the enemy, Julia Roberts. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it is. Damn. The killer. Did she sponsor this? I bet Wendy Williams probably watched sleeping with the enemy and that ignited in her a hard, a kernel or a seed of delusion that just sprouted in his mind.

She has not been able to shake. It's fierce. You should watch Sleeping with the Enemy. I will watch Sleeping with the Enemy. She fakes her own death. She jumps off a boat, fakes her own death, and then starts a life somewhere else. God. But guess who finds her? The killer. Oh. Yeah. This is like Wendy Williams. Wendy Williams. Latoya Jackson. All right. So any advice for people who are super hot and sexy and want to draw on freckles?

Just kind of dotted around. Okay. You know. And what do you use to do that? Freck. Yeah. Freck. It's called Freck. Just kind of. No way. It's like literally made for that purpose. Yeah. Just like dotted on your face. But I do it underneath like powders and stuff. So it doesn't look like shit unless you're like it does. Oh, like you've been like you were like just sitting by the side of that steel table and just got some blowback. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, thank you for coming on. And I failed to mention at the top of the show, you're gorgeous. Thank you. 29, looking fine. I know. And I smoke. Fierce. Keep smoking. Keep smoking, kids. Do it. I honestly feel like

Who cares? I mean, I know a lot of people care. I know a lot of people care. Yeah. But like, who cares? I think, yeah, I mean, smoking, I feel like smoking cigarettes is probably the better choice than vaping because vaping you could do inside. Smoking cigarettes, you got to go outside. That is a very good point. We're not endorsing either of these activities, of course, but it's a very, very, very good point. Yeah. Vaping in the bed, I got two rules in the bedroom. No TV, no vape. Okay. Okay.

I thought you were saying no teeth. You want to get my bed with a full set of chompers? Get the fuck out of here. No. No vape, no phone, no TV. Okay. Sleep hygiene. Get into it. Everyone's or someone who's visiting? No, my house and every house on the block. I go door to door. No, no. In my, like, I don't allow shit in my bed. Okay.

Yeah. There's plenty of shit in my bed. Yeah. Okay. I have, yeah. Where can people find you? Sarah Shower on TikTok, YouTube, Instagram. I also have a podcast called the BCC Club where it's not BBC. That is a funny accident though. Big black cucumber. No,

No, people always like, I get introduced at comedy shows and they're like, and this is Sarah Shower of the BBC. And I'm like, they expect like a serious British person and I'm like, what's up guys? Oh, see. Scissoring. Okay, my mind didn't go to British broadcasting. Oh. I went to. Oh, yeah. Big. Yeah, I understand. Yeah. Well, that's, that's, I mean, look it up. The SEO will help us out. I think. You do stand up in the area? Yeah, I do. Are you fucking terrified?

No, I, um, you love it. Yeah. Yeah. I take out a van. Yeah. Yeah. It's not just for the sky. Yeah. Fierce. Well, thank you so much for having, or for coming on the pod. Thank you for having me. And, um,

Have a lovely day. Thanks.