A Massage That Lives Happily Ever After with Trixie and Katya
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The problem is when we do talk about people, even if I change names, it gets back to them and they send me some cunty texts. But sometimes people act crazy. So like whatever. I have to tell you one of these things that happened the other night and I don't care. Do it. I don't care. If it bothered me enough to talk about it on the pod, we're not going to become close friends. No love lost, babe. Oh shit. I'm ready. I'm ready, baby. Lay it on me. Suck it to me. Hi, how are you? Girl, we're out here, bitch.

I recently bought a bunch of new clothes on Nordstrom.com. This is one of my outfits. Let's have an exotic fashion walk. Do you see how I get up now?

Okay, old man winter. Old man, okay, Methuselah. I was 10 minutes late to the doctor this morning. I showed up crying because it took me so long to get down the stairs in my own house. Methuselah. Bones sticking out. Horrible. Judding. Horrible. So what's the prognosis? They had to take so much blood because they can't figure out what's wrong with me. Buckets and buckets of blood. I mean, it's a bummer. I stay positive because I want to be happy. If you want to be negative, then that's your prerogative. But wait, wait, to that point.

Like I see the strain. I can't walk, Mary. Oh my God. Welcome to my world. I can't walk. Isn't it horrible? Horrible. Immobility is a curse. I can't walk. In the mornings, my jaw is stuck shut. I can't eat for like an hour. You can't do popsicle sticks, like break them off and hold their jaw open? I guess I could try that. No, I'm just kidding. But back to the STI thing. Think about this. Condoms. And in our gay population here,

America that we're familiar with. Nobody uses condoms because of PrEP. But what about, what about the five horsemen of the STI pageant panel? Miss Chlamydia, Miss Syphilis, Miss Gonorrhea,

Let's not forget Miss Giardia. She was a third runner up in the Miss Gay US of A. And then who was that? I forget the step down queen who did. She just did a walk on number. I forget at the bar. Oh, Miss Miss Monkeypox. Miss Monkeypox, of course. Sure. She was a little controversial because it wasn't, you know, she gave monkey and it was supposed to give woman. But I did you get your monkeypox vaccines at the time?

I did. I did as well. I did as well. But like I said, this is maybe a controversial joke, but at the time only the absolute hottest gays were getting it. And I was like, until the tens start fucking sixes, I'm fine. It was all the hottest men.

And I was like, I'm cool. None of these guys are accidentally fucking me. I know me with all like half of my friend group are sex workers who do professional pornography. Like I called my mom and said, mom, I can't open my mouth and I can't walk in the mornings and I can't bend over and I'm not hungry. And she goes, well, you know, maybe it's after effects of COVID. I said, mom, what, what TikToks have you been watching? Oh, no way. I love that. Familial tremor or Pfizer.

But my mom's been sick too, so she was like, I gotta go. I know you're sick, but I gotta go puke. And I said, okay, bye. She kind of like one-upped me. That's fierce, but I am actually getting my legs sawed off right now in the hospital. She's like, there's blood spraying everywhere. I gotta go. And then whenever I call her, granted, my mom has limited mobility, so I don't mind if she goes to a private room to talk to me. I don't mind if she can't. But you know that whore is going to watch TV at level, let's say, five million. And so she's at this volume, and I was like,

This is what it is. My mom's like, so what have you been feeling like? And what did the doctor say? And what's been going on? Who wants to be a millionaire? It's like, could you just at least turn down the TV bitch when I'm trying to tell you? Next on Thousand Pound Sisters, you'll never believe these huge, heavy, hot tits. You ever watch that shit? I saw a clip and I almost cried and I put my head into a pillow and I fell asleep. Try being a massage, Amy. You sent me the clip of...

Well, I couldn't have, you couldn't have gained a hundred pounds on the way here. Well, it has some connective tissue to my, my 600 pound life, which is, that's a different show.

A Thousand Pound Sisters is about two women who are their moms. They're working. Oh, my God. Gross. I had a nipple sticking out. Disgusting. I'm so embarrassed. It was gray. Ew. That was a scab, not a nipple. Scab, not a nipple. Ew. Huge. Huge. Gross. A downturn. Oh, yucky. Inverted. Yucky.

Ugh. Unless y'all have downturned and murdered nipples and it's gorgeous. Yeah. Get off my kind of hair. 600 pound life is tough because those are individual cases. And, you know, being from Northeast Wisconsin, I am related to and grew up around and I'm very immersed in the culture of being very big. Okay. Um,

And I have a lot of understanding and sympathy of that cycle and I get it. I mean, I really have empathy and I watched that show rooting for the people. So it's tough when they have an appointment and the doctor is like, you do need to lose a hundred pounds to qualify for surgery because at your weight, it's not safe for you to operate because people have such so much pressure on their heart. They're like, we can't put you under. It's not safe. Damn.

And the people sometimes having a hard time even losing the weight to get the surgery. - Well, of course they would. - But then they'll say like, I have been exercising, I've been eating the same. And it's like the doctor on camera is not the moment to lie, Mary. - I know. - And I love everyone. - I know. - But just be honest and be like, I need new strategies because I ate the house down and I didn't exercise and help me. - That would be fierce to watch. - 'Cause as a viewer, it's like, I just spent 20 minutes rooting for you and now you're lying to the doctor. - You're betraying me, the viewer.

And I want you to be well. I love the episodes where they get the surgery and their life changes. I cry. I love it. Fierce. They're doing swimsuit modeling. They're doing porn. Yes. They're doing ski jets. What is that? When you're skiing and you're being pulled by a boat? Mm-hmm.

Oh. Water skiing. Yeah, skiing. Stuff, stuff. And you know, when I was on Discovery Plus, because Trixie Motel season one originally was on Discovery Plus. When we got put on that network, I remember I started getting all these TikToks about how like the Christmas party for Discovery Networks is going to be lit because it's like 90 Day Fiancé, Thousand Pound Sisters, 600 Pound Life, me. Oh, sure.

2,000 pounds. Yeah, the Christmas party is going to be turnt. And the cookout will be lit. Barn doors wide open. Girl, I was ready for that cookout, honey. And it did not happen. Well, because 90 Day Fiancé is lit, as you know. Thousand Pound Sisters, lit. 600 Pound Life, lit. It's amazing. And then it's also like Dr. Pimple Popper. Hoarders. Yes. Thousand Pound Hoarder Sisters, cunt. Gave.

took a shit in the mother toilet refused to flush next clocked the mother toilet kept shitting in it climbed up on the mother toilet wrapped the acrylic toenails around the cracked bowl upper decker in the mother toilet pissed all over it douched with the tushy on the mother toilet flooded the apartment sent it to Jennifer Lawrence because she was in the movie Mother have you ever seen the music video for what's that music video Turn Down For What

Where like it's an apartment building and they're like crashing through the ceiling and shit. Eric Wareheim. Is that the one? Eric Wareheim. I think it's Eric Wareheim. Where it's like a family eating and they fall through the ceiling and then it's like, yeah, it's crazy. The booty. Who did the butt video? Eric Wareheim did a butt video. Very similar. That was J-Lo. Big, big booty because you got a big booty. Did you see the CeraVe commercial? With J-Lo? No, with Michael Cera. You're lying.

Are you fucking kidding me? You're lying. I didn't send it to you because I figured 600 people were going to send it to you and I didn't want to like, I hate when that happens. Well,

When the Barbie movie was announced, I basically had to turn off my phone. I know. I know. I know. Guys, I fucked 10 years ago. Be like, did you hear about this? No. No. I hadn't heard about it. I actually gouged my eyes out and I have sticks in my ears for the past 10 years. Thank you for letting me know. Am I a Nicki fan? Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah. Michael Cera. So Eric Wareheim of Tim and Eric fame directed a commercial for CeraVe featuring Michael Cera that you will die.

I love Michael Cera. I know. He's so funny. So handsome. It's what, and I was like, this is going to, like, this is going to really fuck you right in the pussy. Big time. And I love skincare. So like, it's all my world. Mama, that's what I'm saying. And also product, um, clever branding. Yeah. And you know, trifecta. I'm not, this is not sponsored. CeraVe is like a dermatologist recommended brand because it's,

Very few extra ingredients like fragrance, dyes. It's just the essentials. Yeah, it's great. If your skin reacts to everything poorly, try CeraVe. CeraVe totally works. I use the foaming cleanser to get out of drag. It's lit. And you know what I do is like, because I have a mattress protector on my mattress, I do like a, you know how you spread mayonnaise on a sandwich? I do a thin layer of CeraVe all over my top sheet at night and then I wrap myself in it. You know, I put the heater, two heaters on full blast and it really just gets

gets my skin back together every night. Could you imagine? Yeah. Now seaweed wraps. I don't want to call, you know, I don't care anymore. I didn't want to call her. I'm not here to call out people in Hollywood, but the fact that you were not front and center and sat at the dune premiere pissed me off. It pissed me off. It pissed me off. I saw Brittany Tomlinson was there, Brittany Broski. And I was like, yes, she looks so pretty. Do you see Brittany's look? She was in this head wrap. She

But I said, I was scrolling going, well, where's the president of Dune? Where's the writer, director, creator, and star of it? You. Why were you not invited? Where is the, um, the, where is the, uh, product? Where's the marketing, uh, VP of marketing? Cause that is me. I was invited to Barbie. Why weren't you invited to fucking Dune? Because you know what I would have did? I would have did what the girls should have did, which is I would have gone dressed as Lady Jessica with the jeweled or as a Benny Jeserit with a, the thing, a cone head that nobody could see in back of me. I would have been so...

They could have at least had you do red carpet. You could have asked questions about, cause you know the film so well. Mama, I could have gone as a shaved head. One of the Harkonnens. Like I could have like just done what, you know what I mean? Like I could have country turned it out and they sure did not call me. A lot of fabrics, a lot of flowing fabrics, a lot of sheer mesh. I have, I have the, um, the copper. Um, I have it all. Yeah. I have it all.

I really do. I didn't invite you. That really bothered me. Well, when they hate gay, you know, it's not surprising. Hollywood these days is so wrapped up in... Mary, what about Timothee Chalamet? We found out... I don't think we've talked about it on the pod. We found out Timothee Chalamet's real name is Timothee Chalamet. And it's Nell. I'm sorry, it's Nell. Timothee Chalamet. I'm sorry.

You would have gone on the red carpet as now. And I would have been like, I would have been dirty foot, slip, unbrushed hair, feral. And I would have been like, ma'am, sir, get out of here. Of course. I mean, you could have met Rebecca Ferguson. You could have, wasn't Florence Pugh there? Mama. And also the fact that my yoga teacher friend is, his husband is Rebecca Ferguson's agent. I know that's like a little too much separation, but still like where he knows. It's like, I am not the type of person to like,

I guess I should just be more proactive in my like, whatever. Cause I get invited to movie. Do you get invited to premieres? Um, let me think. No, I get it. I just got invited to a few and I said no because I've been so sick. Yeah. But usually I will go. Priscilla. Well, I went to Priscilla of course. Um, I got invited to imaginary and I did want to see that, that new horror movie. I did want to see that, but I think it's a horror movie about imaginary friend. That's evil.

I know, but I was like, I often feel like they expect me to come and drag and to sit in drag and watch a movie is weird. We've talked about this. Mama, but not when you look like I just did in this ASMR video. Did you jerk it? Did you stroke it? Did you pull out your big cock and stroke it? I did. I pulled out my small cock. You pulled out your little huge fat fucking heavy club. Your big beanie didn't. I put about one and a half gallons of saline in my clit and I let it drag behind me down the 405.

Mad Max Fury Road. Yeah, Fury Road. Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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I've been waiting to talk to you about this. Do you see Lana Del Rey get the shit beat out of her at the Super Bowl? Squeeze me? How did you miss this clip? I was too wrapped up not getting invited to Dune. Wait, are you joking? No, no, no. So I don't watch the sports. Well, yeah, I don't watch the Super Bowl. Because I'm gay and I have Twitter, I'm getting moment-to-moment updates about Taylor Swift going to sporting events. Oh, God. And I could care less about sports, Taylor Swift, or the likes. Thank you. Okay?

Okay. Okay. I don't read the comments. I'm not here for the likes. I'm here for the art and the passion. I have some lovely Taylor Swift songs that I love, but I wouldn't say I need to be updated moment to moment. To me, it's not on par with, it's not, it's not, it's not international news to me. Yes. And it's not her fault. No, it is her fault. She can't go to the grocery store with people making articles about it. I understand that. Well, maybe she should stop taking her private jet to Starbucks.

Have you really not seen this Lana Del Rey clip of her getting beat up? I saw her following, I saw Lana Del Rey following Taylor Swift around at the Grammys like a goth lap dog. Bitch. Okay, watch.

Watch Taylor Swift. See Lana Del Rey just get beaten down on the ground? Where is she? These people are jumping and cheering. Where is she? I didn't see. Oh, sorry. Play it again. Do you see her just fall down? They're so excited about the sports that she just was like, they would just like, eat shit, bitch. And like, hey, tractor queen of Oklahoma, get out of here. You're my fucking Rockwell this. Flying elbow smash. Like WCW. Black beauty to black ass. And Lana was like, I'm just trying to be, watch sports. And I'm sure Lana,

Doesn't know how, I'm sure she knows about as much as you and I do about football. So she's like, I'm just here. No bitch. I, I lot, I fucking, this is so weird. I screen recorded her in her parking, in her, in a parking garage, in her car, like

She was on Instagram live reacting to a 49ers or some football game. She loves football. And I was like, I was like, she shouldn't get beat up. I was like, this is so weird. She was like, she was trying to do an Instagram live in the parking garage. No service. So she was just like, so it was like grandma trying to like, yeah, I was like, grandma, grandma's trying to get it going and she's flipping out. And I, of course I like, I,

Ice cream recorded. I was like, this is so weird. And then I remixed it and put a fun filter on it. Well, imagine you're at the Super Bowl, I guess. Should Lana be wearing a helmet and pads? She's just trying to watch the game. No, she should be up on the top, rappelling down like Lady Gargar. And I'll have you know... Wait, Usher performed. Oh, I didn't watch it. Of course, he's so beautiful and has great music. But I didn't watch any of the sports event. Because to me, the last full-blown...

show I watched Rihanna I guess was maybe Gaga and before that it was Madonna what about Rihanna you never saw the Rihanna one she did the all it was very it was very very huge production production

Madonna was cunt. But those LMFAO characters, I don't think so. Well, I follow enough people. Like, I follow like the Evan Ross Katz's and the Paul McCallion's. I'm going to get the moment to moment update whether I like it or not. And you'll get the wit and the whimsy of it. Yes. You'll get like the condensed. I'll get the highlights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll get the memes. The memes version. And that's all I need. Because right now it's award season, which in LA feels like it goes on 10 to 12 months a year. I don't know.

I just... We've got to talk about awards season. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. The same five movies and the same 12 people at every fucking show? I know.

I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. The, the, the, um, what do you call it? The insufferable, um, self indulgent, um, narcissism. Listen, I love narcissism. I am the only narcissist. I am narcissist power excellence, but I kind of know my place in the world mostly. And like these people are so, they are contortionist for Cirque du Soleil because the gymnastics and acrobatics they do to get their tongue so far up their own asses.

is pretty incredible totally it's like what do you like Mary y'all making movies you're rich famous and you're gorgeous ain't that enough shut the fuck up I know get the star off the TV I'm not watching that that being said I am hosting the Ambie Awards and that one matters but wait wait wait sorry that one matters what is the Ambie it's like podcasting sounds like sound design music scores podcasting interviews it's like audio shit can I go interview on the red carpet as Nell

When's Nell 2? Would you gag? You know how everything's a reboot now? It's Nelly. When she has a band-aid. Could you imagine her coming out of her deep lesbian retirement to do Nell again? No, she's doing... Nell Reload. Nell fully reloaded. Nell Part 2, the remix. Nell Part 2, the Nell Strikes Back, the remix. Neller. And this is Nell. And it's sort of like the plot of 8 Mile. She wants to be a rapper. Her life hasn't improved much. She's from a trailer.

And she's like, it's like from the woods to the studio. Yeah. And the soundtrack is like, lose yourself. Started on the bottom of the forest. Now I'm here. Started on the forest floor. Now I'm here. It's like hit the forest floor.

You know, I make fun of Nell, but she's amazing in that movie. Mama, she's amazing in everything. Don't get it twisted. She's doing season five or four of the newest, most recent season of True Detective. And, you know, I got to say, every single fucking clip I've seen of this goddamn woman, and not to say that anybody who gets plastic surgery is like whatever, she is, it's just so clear and comfortable that she's chilling. She's cunty. She's vibing. She's not like rushing to get like, you know, yanked or pulled or whatever. Well, she has, um,

She has a real timeless beauty. She really is beautiful. I think she is too. Yeah. I think she is too. I mean, and also like Hollywood really doesn't know what to do with her. I was watching interviews and they were saying on the set of Taxi Driver. So Martin Scorsese and Bob De Niro, I call him Bob because I know him personally. Oh, sure. You know when people do that? I hate that. It's Robert De Niro. What's a good example of that in our world? Like when I say, you know. Because everybody we know has a fake name.

But it's like, I don't know if they called me like Bri or something. Brandon calls me Brian in drag sometimes and I'm like, don't you see this pussy? Don't you see these hot tits? Well, no, I'm always afraid that it's going to communicate to other people in the room that it's time to call me Brian. Well, that's what I don't. When someone in drag calls, when a fan calls me Brian, when I'm in drag, I'm like, who?

You might as well get the keys to my house, come in, get in bed with me and ask me my social security number, bitch. Get the fuck out of here. You're like, hey, Brian, I'm so 01468. No, but it's crazy. Oh, fuck. What was I going to say? Motherfucker.

Oh, Aidy Bryant. Sure, Icon. Aidy Bryant was hosting the IFC Independent Spirit Awards. Yeah. And I saw a little clip of her bit. She was hosting and she's like, you know, I'm not really good at roasting. So anyways, Natalie Portman is here. Natalie, you're a stupid bitch. Fierce. Fierce. She goes like, who else have we got here? Jon Hamm, you're a stupid bitch or whatever. Love it. So funny. It was great.

She was funny. I never watched the movies. And so it's people being celebrated for films I've never seen. Yeah. If you're not in that world, and when I do see these movies, I mean, you know how I felt about Eileen. At the end, I said...

Am I a Hathaway fan? Wait, what? What did you feel? What did you feel? I felt like when I bit into a soup and they go like, oh, it's a Gestapo. It's supposed to be cold or whatever. It's Vichyssoise. It's supposed to be cold. Yeah, it's supposed to be. Everything always feels over my head. Films like that always make people stupid because I'm always like, what just happened? Eileen really made you feel stupid?

A little. At the end, she just runs right into the woods. And I said, okay, bye. I know, I didn't love the ending. But you got to admit, Miss Hathaway, she took her huge teeth, her gorgeous face, unhinged her jaw, and then went chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. It was, I felt so edged.

And once it turned, we talked about it. Once it turned and that happened, that was gripping. It was gripping. That TV hit me by the throat. I was like, yeah, it had me by the cock and balls. It had the saline at the ready, but then it didn't deliver. I wanted that saline in my balls and dick. There's a, there's a bar in London called cock and bull. And every time I jog by it, I think cock and bull torture. I was like, do straight people know what they're doing? Like CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy. I do not. That's a CBT therapist. Like,

Yeah. Cock and bull torture. What about rubbing those little spiky pinwheels over the nasty nuts? Let's take a break. You think that no one's wanted to fuck you, but now that they saw your nipple, the tides are going to completely turn? Is that what you think is going on here today? Have your pick of the litter. There's hundreds of teenage girls watching who would love for you to fuck them. I know. I was just telling this to this dude. Oh, my God. This guy. First of all, wait a minute.

This guy at the supermarket at the- Ralph? Of Ralph's? No, no. I wish. Mr. Gelson of Gelson's? Go on. Gil Gelson. No, it was, I went, I had a friend visiting and I went just, we went to go pick up some cigarettes and I was like double parked outside just to run in. Nobody's in there. And this dude, he was like seven feet tall. He looked like an inbred Hollywood baby. Like he was-

so beautiful in the weirdest way like he was an actor's you know how like actors sons and daughters can be so just kind of strange looking and then living like a rich life allows you to be like super eccentric and weird this was the vibe I was like hey can I get a pack of American Spirit Blacks and he's like sure I completely can see it and then he turned like this

And then I was like, I was like, judge duty with the time. I was like, I mean, it literally took like two full minutes. And I was like, I was like, double parked. I'm going to get a ticket. And he's like, so let me ask you something. What's the difference between the colors? What are the black ones mean? And I was like, I've seen about the cigarettes. Yeah. I was like, there's just the strongest kind. He's like,

Really? I swear to God. And he was gorgeous. This is giving like, I don't know, like beautiful things, like weird retail horror. 22 years old, a baby. Was it pump? Was it shiny wet face? It was no, it was giant. He looked like Pete Davidson. Okay. Looks like Pete Davidson, the same, same frame, same giant lips, beautiful white skin with like kind of a goth girl's dream.

black hair it was just so bizarre I was like mama what timeline are you on sweetie are you on Greenwich main time are you on you know what I mean it was just so strange anyways I don't know what I would have done in this scenario sometimes when people people have me like hostage I have to tell you about a hostage situation and I feel bad because I'm sure the person will hear about it and if you know who you are and if you know who this is don't send it to them no

No, you don't know them. Have you ever been in a situation where somebody says, it's like not the vibe for this, but someone goes, you have to watch this video. It's just like five minutes long. And they sit there and watch you watch a video on a phone where metaphorically there's a fucking rifle to your head and you're like, well, I guess I don't know you well enough to say, can I watch this later? Oh, this is like an acquaintance? Yes, like a social situation where someone's like, you just need to watch it. It's like four or five minutes long. And he's like, shh, watching me watch it. And I'm like,

I'm like glued to it. And the social construct suggests that I can't break my eye contact. And I can't say like, can I watch this later? This is weird that you're making me watch this now. Right now, five minute long video. 30 seconds. 30 seconds. TikTok, 30 seconds. Five minute long video. Five minute long video in these days, in this age is a Martin Scorsese picture. But send it to me later and I might watch it on my own time versus like- I'm going to text it to you. You got to watch this. Right now you need to watch this. I was like-

I guess I will. It was a clip from the TV show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. And I was like, now I'm watching singing. I'm watching Broadway singing on a phone. And I felt, I felt, I felt, I felt Katy Perry chained to the rhythm. Like I couldn't look away. I felt, um, you were, um, no, you were Patty Hearst. You were kidnapped by the, um, the Sandinistas. You were kidnapped by the Sandinistas. Patty Hearst. Yeah. I mostly felt like someone was making me watch a YouTube video.

Worse than the Santanistas. And it was singing. It was that clip from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend that's always on TikTok. You ruined everything. Which, of course I've heard that. It's played for five years on TikTok. And I'm like, oh, I'm really just, because I don't know you well enough, I can't say like, can I do this later? And I want you to like me, so I'm, I'm,

I'm doing this and I'm laughing. It is funny, but like, I don't want to watch this right now. Yeah. I, I, that is, Oh, I know exactly that type of, you know, the feeling I thought of you immediately because I thought somebody's going to get, I would be like, I would be like, I don't want to watch it. We got a lot of stuff right now. I would just like straight up do that. I never recovered. I was like in shock for a day. Seriously. The next day I was at the airport, like that video. I just got,

Well, Mary, it's like that when I got phone shamed in Mexico, I still think about it every day. It's a small, tiny little thing. And it's like many, many more horrifying things have happened to me and will continue to happen. But that is like, that is up there with like a 9-11, phone shaming, and then rehab. There needs to be a word for that, which is like holding someone hostage on a video at a time where they didn't ask to watch a video. There needs to be a word for that. It's called a Kate Burlant...

John Early moment. So have you seen, I won't make you watch it now, but it's about a five minute short film done by Kate Berlant, John Early. And it's about a, like a bunch of gays are having a party. Okay. It's like a house party with drinking wine, whatever. And, and this Kate Berlant shows up and she's like, Hey, can I, she just comes right in the door. Oh, can I use your bathroom? And it turns out that she, nobody at the party knows her.

And it's this whole like outrageous kind of suspense of like, cause she's being so annoying. She says, she starts playing a podcast and like telling everybody to shush and listen to the podcast. She spills wine on the thing. It was like, she's an obnoxious, horrible guest. And it's this awkward, awkward, like negotiation of like, who is that girl? It's like,

I don't know. I thought she was with you. It was, you have to watch it. It is so content. And I liked the person and I wanted them to like me. So I was like, okay, they're, they're showing me something they like. And this is how we, we gain friendship. We have common interests, right? Let's start with 30 seconds though. Yeah. Do you know about this? Oh, you got to watch it. You'll love it. Here's a, here's my elevator pitch in five seconds. I'll send you the clip. Next topic. No, no, no, no. You're going to love this handcuffed. And then I was trying to sort of cadence it by being like, oh, I have heard that. That's funny. And they'd be like, yeah, look, look, look, look.

And I'd be like, oh my God. Oh yeah, this song. And they pull your head and they put it down. Watch, watch, watch. They stick one of those hats that has like beer can things on it, but it's like a phone right in front of your face. It was, I honestly felt like I wanted to unzip, peel the skin off, backwards climb up the wall like Tony Collette in Hereditary and evaporate. And then saw. And then saw. With the piano. Like literally, like it was so funny. Take the full five minutes to...

And I'm trying to become somebody who accepts when things are weird and speaks up, but I'm not there yet. And so the whole next day I was like, what is that? I know people have felt that. That can't be just me. Where someone really traps you into watching an uncomfortably long video for the scenario.

I think it's like, it's a, it's a special, correct me if I'm wrong. I feel like it's a special social finesse ability called tact. Like, you know that, you know what I mean? Like finding the right exact tone to like,

to draw a boundary, but respectfully and also like not hurt people's feelings. It's extremely difficult. And of course, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is brilliant. Adam Schlesinger, who wrote the music, one of my favorite songwriters ever. He passed away of COVID. Love him. And it's Rachel Bloom. Of course, brilliant. But of course, I live online. I know about You Ruined Everything. I know the audio. You out of your mind? I live on TikTok. So I just felt...

I just wonder, have you ever experienced that? Are you nuts? Do you think a lot of people have? Do you think it's just us because we don't act right? No, I've experienced it, but I'm like, I don't want to watch that. When I send you a meme, which is someone I send the most memes to, I mentally know you just might not watch it. And I'm not going to take issue with that. No, but then also, if you say, if you mention it, I'll be like, oh, I didn't see that. And I scroll up and I look at it at my own leisure. Because that's what a normal, regular person who's not fucking crazy does.

Well, the other day I'm obsessed with this album by the avalanches called, um, we will always love you. If you guys have not heard it came out in 2020, I think 2022 top to bottom. It plays like a movie. It's just, it moves me to tears. I'm obsessed with it. You're dying for it. I sent it to you the other day. And then two hours, you were like, Oh, I can't wait to hear it. Two hours later. I said, what did you think of the album? And you said, what album? Yeah.

Like this just happened. And I went, the album we talked about two hours ago. But you weren't in my home with a Glock to my head. And that's, maybe I should have been someone who puts it on and puts a speaker there and goes, no, no, shh, shh, shh. No, you're going to love this part. Well, okay. How about this though? Mama, mama, mamita. When you are in a group setting, perhaps a house party, I'm talking between six to 12 people.

And someone says, hey, I have the funniest YouTube video I want to show you guys.

Can I screencast to your TV? Now, what do you think of that? What do you think is the social protocol there? Do you think that's asking too much of the room in general? Abso-fucking-lutely it is. However, there are a few rare occasions where, so when Andrew Yang was like, at Thanksgiving, I hosted a bunch of people over for Thanksgiving. There was like 15 to 20 people there. No, no, this might've been something, whatever. There was a lot of people. And he said, we got to watch Our Home Out West by Cola Scola. It's half an hour long.

I was like, I was like, I don't know about that girl. We can't just like, you know, just switch gears at the party so fiercely and watch this. We were all wrapped up.

because it was brilliant but that's a rare occasion well the other safe and consensual version of that is let's say it's a thing where it's your it's home you know every one of those things where homosexuals play music videos and each person's taking a turn and picking one yes that's what we did during um thanksgiving and you're sort of picking them for the room you pick them knowing oh the room will either know this or love this yeah yeah but you're not picking things only you will like yeah it's background nobody's like shushing right where the shushing is like

I mean, because as a person who's interested in offbeat, especially music, I don't expect anybody to like any of the foreign music I listen to. And they don't. I know they don't. I really don't. I don't care. But if it's my house, it's like my house, my rules, my pleasure. Right. You know, it's in my house or my studio. You're going to have to suffer through whatever I want to listen to. But...

Oh, girl, that is so. So if you want to fuck a pig, you got to deal with that little spring dick. Hello. Do you know about that? Yeah. The coil shaped dick. Do I know about to be pig dicks? Who are you talking to? Am I a pig dick fan? Am I a pig dick fan? You pig dick bitch. I got to tell you one more thing that happened to me. What? No. What else? What else are we going to do on this podcast? Girl. No, I got to ask you a question. Okay. What is worse? A disappointing massage or a disappointing hookup?

What is worse? I've thought about it for two weeks. I've thought about it for two weeks. I'd like to... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm ready for... I'm ready to answer. Let's go. Final Jeopardy. What is... And give me kind of the pros and cons of what's, you know... Okay, it's a disappointing massage 100%. It is, right? 100%. Thank you. 100%. Because a hookup...

That's a consumer report. It's a transactional experience where you say, oh, I bought this sweater. It fell apart in two days. I'm never really going to go back to that store. Whatever. You know, I got burnt by hot coffee at McDonald's. I'm going to sue them. You know, like things like that. I got run over by Octavia Spencer. I'm going to try to avoid her in the future. A woman named Mauna, bowl cut, hit me with her car. Yeah. You know, I got a transfusion of dog blood. Iron Man hit me white. Yeah.

So that's, but when you're, it's a hookup when it's not a paid gig. That's why I love sex work and sex workers. But, you know, oftentimes you get bofa.

You get a sexual encounter and a massage, a twofer, both for money. I got a sports massage at a hotel a couple weeks ago. Well, it was a massage at all different levels. And I picked the highest one, which was sports massage. Okay. Which is where, because my knees have been just killing. Sure. I barely walk. Sure. So I thought, oh, the soft tissue that's all inflamed. I would love for it to get rubby, rubby.

You said ruby, ruby. Talk about the technique. Such a back of the hand, such a light touch. And then areas where it wasn't light enough. She tried to get in my TMJ and she put on rubber gloves and my inside of my mouth was bleeding after I was like, but she told me to speak up at her too much. But I'm also like, isn't it supposed to her a little like that's the point. So I'm like kind of crying while it's happening. Cause I'm also not speaking up enough.

So she's massaging and the lights are off. So tears are streaming down my face and she's like, are you good? I'm like, yup. But I thought it's supposed to hurt a little bit cause my jaw hurts a little bit all the time right now. So I'm like, let's go for pain cause let's gain something. Sure. Sure. So I'm willing to give birth to the baby. Does that make sense? You know, I'm willing to fucking just wear my cervix up, rip that head out of this cunt. Right. Right. Because I want the tax break. Right. Right.

Which is, I assume, is why you have a child. So, and then she gets to the knee. I'm not saying she needed to get on my knee, ride it like a Sibian in French Kizzit. I'm saying she kind of backed up over it and did a Y turn and left. You know what I mean? It was sort of, it was so afterthought. She what? She what? If she was a vehicle, she kind of did a Y turn over it and left. It was like, oh, you did touch it, but...

I was hoping for deep round the knee. Oh, she digged it with her bicycle. Yeah. She digged it with her bicycle. I wanted elbows in. I wanted her to basically spend half the time. You wanted boots on the ground. And I said sports massage. And I said, Hey, I have really bad knees right now that I can barely move. I need a lot of focus on my knees.

And that didn't occur. She didn't spend time with like the attachment, like the ligaments around the knee, the calves, the quads, all that stuff. I kept thinking it was coming. And then she goes, thank you for taking some time for yourself today. And I was like, thank you for taking time for yourself, Miss Thing. Because you obviously weren't focused on me, bloop.

And it was like urban legend. I wanted like a noose tied to a car and then someone backs away and I just get hung in the room. Like I was like, really? $290 for a sports massage where I tell- Exqueeze me? And I say at the counter, knees, knees, knees, knees, knees. And in the room, I fill out a paper. They make you fill out a thing saying, what do you want worked on? I said, the knees, knees, knees. Oh my God, mama. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. And I felt, I felt, ugh.

Yeah. And then they had something called, it was okay. There's a spa or there's a, there's a steam room, which is steam in the hot Cedar. And then there was something with big marble planks that are all heated evenly that you lay on. That gave me nothing. Oh, okay. It gave me nothing. What about hot, cold and all that stuff? The full spa experience. You know, you should go to the Russian spa. The,

I don't get naked with strangers. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, I told you about the time at We Spa with Miss Thing and her little gaggle of... I can't handle people telling me to go to We Spa. Why?

I'm not going to get naked with strangers. No, I'm just saying it is completely non-sexual. That's the only thing is... No, no, no. Trust me. When I went there... That's not what I'm worried about. I'm not only uncomfortable if we're fucking. I don't want to see a bunch of naked people. I don't want them to see me. That's tea. That's tea. It was a real huge... It took a leap. It was a leap of faith. I felt like quantum leap. I felt like... What's his name? Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap when I was in there because I...

did not know and they did not warn me, Miss Andrew Yang and Miss Joseph Nutterveld. They were like, you get one face cloth and you better believe I was like this. Of course, it was more than enough to cover up my teeny little peanut. The acorn. Yeah. The micanake. Yeah. The flesh colored micanake. It's a nonpareil. Girl. But it was so, it was very uncomfortable, but nobody, it's all nudity all the time because they don't want...

Well, I'm not really sure why. They don't want some people in just like, you know, bootcut jeans staring at the naked people. I guess. And also you can't have, you can't have like, you can't. Conceal boners? You can't wear clothes, nasty clothes in the hot spa. Can you get kicked out for having a boner?

I believe you probably could, but I'm not really sure. Interesting. I think it's all, you know, these places are actually, you know, they're gender, usually quite gender separated. But for like the Russian spa, for example, like the Voda Spa, because the Russian banya is a very big cultural thing. It's not extravagance. It's just people go to the spa. People go to the spa. There's a smoking area. That's why I love the Voda Spa.

the Voda spa. And, um, you know, they're just like, everybody's fat and mean and, and sometimes hot, sometimes ugly. And they're just like chewing it up. And you like it. Yeah. They get, they whack you with fucking thistles. They have that whole, they have that whole shit going on. It's country. But, um, I, I have, I have a massage therapist, the Bulgarian, um, golden hands, Olympic trainer. He trained track and field athletes at, at, uh, the Olympics. And he is,

so fucking good and half that motherfucking price and he will get your whole life together bitch can you give me his number hell fucking yeah I'm also looking for a private yoga instructor hell mama that's that's Rebecca Ferguson's agent's mama I got you I got you so personally oh personal yoga instructor I've got you I'm gonna get you together can you get me I'm gonna wrap you up like a hobo sack and take you fling you in the river

That's what I want. Girl. Oh, bitch. You ain't ready for these fuckers. You ain't ready. Snap the legs off, honey. Miss Antoine and Miss Blake. Oh, they're going to. Oh, Blake the snake and Antoine the dog. You're just going to fucking skeet. Because all this information until they can figure out what's wrong with it. I'm trying to figure out how to promote circulation to help. Hell yeah. Oh, dude. They would like fucking. They would. Yeah. The best.

It's been horrible. In the mornings, I can barely get out of bed. I can barely walk. I need restorative yoga and then therapeutic massage. Today, to get down the stairs in my house, I had to hold both hands on the railing and do one step at a time. Whistler's mother. You are Whistler's mother. For solid pink discos last weekend, I had to have them hide a chair so I could sit behind the decks. That's how bad it's been. A little baby stool, like a booster seat.

Yes. And I'm afraid to cancel because people get so mad and I, which I would get mad too, but I'm really scared of hurting myself by continuing to work. But here's the thing though. It's like, you got to have the perspective. It's like, yes, it's, it's horrible to cancel. It's stuck. People hate it. I hate it. I mean, if I went to Lubbida or, or, you know, if I go to, if I went to a Russian concert and I found out it was rescheduled and I couldn't go, I'd kill myself.

I'd kill myself And that's appropriate Our fans light on heavy They're like you're the only thing keeping me alive See you Friday I'm like fuck I guess I'll hot glue my ear back on and go to the gig I watched Lisa Frankenstein last night Did you like it?

Yeah. There's Diablo Cody. Very YA. Very PG-13. Almost no real blood or gore. I hate that. A lot of goth fashion. That's what my friend Vlada said. She's like, if you were a goth girl in the 80s or 90s, you'd love it. Between like Chapel Roan right now and Lisa Bringenstein, that artist, that pop artist. Chapel Roan and Lisa Bringenstein, when I tell you,

These sapphic girls, these sapphic teens are coming out goth. Yeah. They're chewing the clips up. The double stack, the drawn on lashes, the sort of 80s goth, neo goth. It's coming. It's coming. What did you think about Miss Austin Butler with your white eyeliner on? Everyone was tagging me being like, sue him. So funny. As if I invented white eyeliner. Well. Yeah, Macy Robbins said, sue him.

All the comments are like, gather her. I'm like, you think I'm going to gather Austin Butler? Serve the Butler. The Butler's been served. I thought it looked great. You know, on normal people, white eyeliner looks like white eyeliner. I don't know if it makes people look fresher or brighter. Especially on men, it does look just like white eyeliner on them.

It doesn't make you, it's not like skincare. I thought it looked good. I thought it looked good. I don't think it makes people look more attractive. Well, he doesn't need any help. He doesn't need any help. It looked fashion-y. Yeah. I mean, he's a striking young man. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Kaya Gerber. Lena Horne. Well. I've got a story that is going to curl your hair. We'll leave it for next time. Okay. We'll see you next time. Bye. Oh, wait. And don't forget.

Like and subscribe. Yeah. And don't forget, if you have a fun clip for someone, just send it to them to watch at the airport on the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And honestly, this is like, if you're in the stall taking a shit watching a clip and you hear somebody blowing ass in the next stall, go right under the divider and be like, hey, watch this. And start filming. Yeah. And then...

Okay, bye. Bye.