A 2014 Hyundai Elantra for Christmas with Trixie and Katya
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Welcome back to another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. I'm Katya and I'm just waiting for my co-hostess Trixie Mattel to untangle herself. She seems to have gotten tangled up down there. She seems to have, um... We are episode, what, 60 or something of The Bald and the Beautiful? No, no, no, no. Probably like 50... 50? 51? Could be 51. Because it's been a year. No, is it? I honestly have no idea. Have you ever...

Have you ever been 5150? Yeah. I think that's when you get clotheslined, right? No, I think that's when they can body snatch you without you signing your own. Like, help me, my mental health. I know I keep asking them. Can someone please come? Can I get 5150s? I would love 5150s. 5150s. Yeah. I got to just address the elephant in the room. Do it. I love my Christmas present.

Oh my God. Okay. The, the, the Hyundai Elantra that I bought the 2014. I do think Eden stopped by to pick them up to exchange them. They are. Okay. They have been refunded. Yes. Great. They have been refunded. I'm just waiting for the, the, um, the correct size. Kati got me the most beautiful Gucci sneakers. They're black. They're beautiful. I love them. And then it's great. Like deep,

Deep deep deep dark rich color Blue cardigan Oh yeah yeah yeah I thought it was black I thought it was too until I found black jeans and went A lie detector test determined that was a lie Do you like it though? Love it Okay good I'm glad Love it I'm glad

I like Christmas, but now that I have a little bit of money, I have a little bit of wiggle room in terms of like, you know, stuff. Um, I like it buying people stuff, especially if they're easy and say, Hey, by the way, this is what I would love for a Christmas present. I don't have to do a lot of guesswork or whatever. Yeah. I love that. Well, that's what I tried to do with you and you won't tell me anything. No, I know. I honestly don't want anything. And it's not like a passive aggressive, like none of that. No, no, none of that. Not like how I would play it.

Which is to say I don't want anything so I can complain later that I didn't get anything. Please, please. I thought about sending you something. I can't remember what it was. But I got myself so many things at the fucking Rose Bowl Flea Market. Have you ever been there? I went with Andrew once. We went doll hunting. I found some great dolls there. That fucking Rose Bowl, she skied it in my face. Who would play her? Rose Nyland.

And bowls. Sally bowls. Sally bowls. Yeah. No, it was so good. Mama left the house around six, got there 6.30 a.m. You have to. You have to. Which I think is crazy. I know, Andrew. That's crazy. When I agreed to go, you know I drink.

And it's on a Sunday. Yeah. And it's like Saturday 2 a.m. And I'm like, oh, I'm like blackout. And I'm like the Rose Bowl tomorrow. Yeah. And then Andrew, you know, serious. And he picks me up with his hair modeling in his car. And it's like, we're going to we're going to be there by eight. I'm like, oh, same thing. When Andrew and I have gone to the doll shows, there's doll like mini doll sale conventions. Yeah. Motels. Yeah. That we go to. And it'll be like eight in the morning.

Why that early? I don't get the Rose Bowl. People were set up already by 6 a.m. Because old people get up early. Old people. Was it just old though? And I think that what's funny is by drag queen standards, I'm an early riser because I naturally get up before nine. Yeah. But I know that to normal people, that ain't shit. No, that's a, that's sleeping way in. I know. Vanderpump was like, I can't sleep longer than 530. Well, she's also 80.

It's not 80. But I also think your clock changes as you get older for real. Yes. Yeah. My grandmother, towards the end, she never even really went to bed. She had one foot on the ground and she put her head technically on the pillow just to make, you know, it's like, I'm sleeping. My head's on the pillow. But she had one foot out the bed. She had a bad impersonation like, shh, shh, shh.

Yes, long nightcap. But she hardly slept, maybe four hours a night. Crazy. But, you know. I gooned on David's Christmas present this year. Wait, what? He did the right thing, which is tell me exactly what to buy him. And I bought him this stunning black embossed Gucci duffel. That stuff is so expensive. It is. It's so expensive. But David's bougie, and that's why he's hard to shout for. Because if he wants something, he just buys it for himself.

That's me. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, don't you dare give me something I don't want. Cause I'll tell you. Yeah. I can't fake. I can't fake stuff like that. I know David on the phone was like, well, I gotta get, he's David said, send me some of the toys you have in your favorites on eBay. Cause he knows I'm always on looking at toys. Sure. He goes, cause I'm afraid my presence is not good enough. I said, Oh babe, if it's not, I'll tell you. Don't worry. I'll tell you, you know, I'll tell you. Somebody got me something. I freak. Um, what was it? I, and I, I think I was like,

what the fuck was it? I can't remember. And I was like, I just, I couldn't like, I was like,

And I think I just tried to change the subject. I can't remember what it was, but it was just like not something I particularly would want for myself. Not something I would particularly pick out for myself. You know what I did this year? This year I made things real easy. I got that RuPaul ornament. I got a dozen. Yeah. And I gave, that was my professional gift. You went to Pete? Yes. Yes, I saw that. Every manager, every, I'm like, here's one, here's one, here's one, here's one. I cannot believe the real tragedy of this Christmas season was of course the fact that we don't have Trixie and Katya ornaments. Yeah.

How is that not possible? How is that possible? Next year. Yes. But you guys buy Christmas ornaments. Of course they would. Yes, they would. Of course they would. Well, we got a lot of stuff. Salt and pepper shakers. Oh, that's right. Those are going to be hot. Salt and pepper shakers. We got a lot of merch coming down the pipeline. I found that deep in my capitalist soul, for me to get you excited about merch, it has to be really cool.

Yeah. And I don't know at this point, I don't know what Advent calendar. But here's what I know. Oh. People like us. Yeah. And they want to have a thing of us. Oh, yeah. So we're not door-to-door Jehovah's Witnesses. No, no, no. We're actually providing a service because they want a tchotchke. They want an item. Yeah. And I like that and I support that. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's wonderful. I, however, just, I don't love shitty stuff. Like, I don't love to like...

make something that's going to have like huge, you know, green, what do you call that? The carbon footprint that's going to be like churning just a bunch of junk into the atmosphere, you know? You don't taste that shit. So I just want it to be good. Well, that's why I send flowers. Oh, see you and I differ. Because if I, if I gave you this,

Well, this is a candle. I guess that's not a good, because that's disposable as well. If I gave you this. I love a pillow. But you either need to have it forever or you have to do that thing someday like on hoarders where you're like, well, I feel like if I throw it away, I'm saying fuck you to my friend. Well, I love saying fuck you to my friend. I'm watching a lot of hoarders. Have you really? Yes. Animal hoarders. No. That's a real, that's a real, that's fucking crazy. Well,

I will. Cause you know, I did wife swap and I got like halfway to be honest. I loved wife swap, but by season five, it's just so cyclical. It's a lot of swaps. So formulaic. Yeah. Yeah. How many wives can you swap? They need to get into Sultans and polygamists. Cause then it's a whole like red Rover, red Rover, send your army of wives right over. How about abducting wife abducting? Oh yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm sorry. Yeah. I have to text a friend because the jinx and day law show is canceled tonight. Um,

COVID strikes again. Yes, as we film this, I was supposed to go see Jinx and Della's holiday spectacular tonight, and they had a COVID exposure, so the show is canceled. Poor things. Fucking hell. So you can get COVID without, this is ignorant, you can get COVID without having been vaxxed, you can still get COVID? Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. The symptoms are typically much more mild. Gotcha. Okay. I was sick, very, very sick this week. I'm still a little bit sick. Not COVID. Not COVID. Had several tests.

But I got to tell you, being sick is not what they tell you. It's not it. It's not it. It's not fun. You watch the movies. They get to stay home, play with their breasts all day, don't go to school. That's porn. What movie? That's porn. Sorry. I'm like, um, what movie? By the way, did you change shirts? Yeah. I didn't. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. We changed locations. We're going to take a break. Okay. Okay.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. And we're back. And we're back. Dramatic costume change. What a lovely holiday sparkle you've got there, honey. Thank you. Tammy Brown sends me one every year. This is from two years ago. Holiday sparkle. Catch you a piece. Have you seen Tammy Brown's holiday special? I don't think so. It has some great tracks. One of them is...

I want to live in a gingerbread house. I want to live in a gingerbread house. Yeah. What else? Any other good tunes? It's all Christmas songs and it's Tammy singing and she has celebrity guests that she gives them the gift and they make, they unwrap it on camera. Wow. That's great. And Kelly Mantle's in it playing Sheila. Kelly Mantle is...

At this point, Kelly Mantle is playing Tammy's manager so convincingly that I think she is. Yeah, she might as well be at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw Dina Martinez Christmas special a little while ago. Maybe it was two years ago. Did you live? Yeah. She's really something else. I know. She's something special. Talk about holiday sparkle.

She's one of the best performers. Laughing, my middle hurts. Yeah. Her wig stock performance. With the baby? No. I think it's from the documentary Wig.

The documentary. Oh, the Rose. Yes. So she did Dina Martina. She comes on, she's announced, you know, they announced her. She comes on and she says that she's going to sing a song, a single that's from her upcoming album. And it's called, what is it called? Something of the, something of the thyroid. Thyroid.

It's, um, and then she does, it's the rose. Like some say love becomes the rose. It's the shortest fucking, it's so great. It's so funny. It's so funny. And cheat the system. Cheat the system. I think that in most drag contracts, like when I worked in nightclubs, I think that my numbers had to be three minutes. Really? Yeah.

Really? I think a lot of them you have to do three minutes. Okay. There's a weird thing in drag contracts where you are being paid to basically the verbiage is you're being paid to do the act that you are famous for. Oh, okay. It's like you couldn't get booked at a bar on those contracts and wear a completely different makeup and do completely different type of music and like do a different character. Sure. I think, I feel like this is all kind of like common sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But she really did. Where is it? Something of the thyroid. Anyways, it was just so great. It was probably about eight seconds. 12 seconds. Because the song is supposed to be, some say love, it is a river. It's a whole song. It's a whole thing. Yeah. So she just did the first line going into the last line. And it's just so perfect. It's so great. And she looked like a fucking, fucking beast. She never breaks character.

That's scary to me. There's a few drag race queens like that where they never break character. Yeah, that's scary to me. That's scary to me. Because I'm never in character. Like, I can't ever get into character. You don't feel different in drag? I do. No, not really. I mean, I did a character, but it was only on stage. I could never be in character or backstage. Do you know what I mean? I couldn't do that. I just felt crazy. Do you think I'm a different person in drag? No. No.

I think I am. Do you? I feel like a completely different person. Well, you look like a different person, you know, but I don't think, yeah. But I mean, you know, I'm used to talking to you and we talk this, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But she's, I would imagine, what's her, do you know what her name out of drag is? Grady. Grady. I imagine that they're very two different people. They are. He's so nice. Yeah. Full head of hair, thick, lush head of hair. Seriously? He has dark, thick, gorgeous, curly hair.

I imagine him a baldy. Girl, I'm so sick of it. Bald. Bald as the day is long. Be bald eagles. I don't mind being bald most of the time, but lately I'm just sick of the same haircut in a way.

Yeah. I was like, you know, being friends with Andrew Young, not the presidential candidate, but my friend, the doll maker is, it's tough because he, he does a hair, he has a hair story. He's got a, like a, an epic saga of just having hair. Epic vistas. Big sweeping, heavy, natural vistas. Yeah. And it's tough because I'm like, okay, I don't, I don't dislike being bald. It's quite simpler, but sometimes I do wish that I had some kind of hair situation happening.

Well, Bob just got a unit installed. Did you see that? I saw that. I love that. I would love to get a head. I mean, for a man of color, it's a great option because that texture is so- Is it just a cap? I think that it's shaved to the skin. Yeah. And then I believe that the hair is laid down by hand. That's incredible.

Yes. It's pretty lit. He looks good. Yeah, I love, I just love a piece. I want to get it. Oh, that's what I was like. I think that's what I was going to ask you for Christmas, but I'm going to do a little research on my own because I need to get in the thick of it. I did my own research. The COVID people. I did my own research. Oh God. The people won't get vaccinated because they did their own research. Is COVID going to be forever? And just like that, Big died.

So wait, I'm going to, COVID is, I talked to my sister over Thanksgiving. She's a virologist. She does viruses. She studies viral videos. Yeah. She said she works in, she's a public health, she's a master public health veterinarian, but she works in like basically, you know, diseases and stuff. And she said, absolutely COVID is here for the rest of our life. Yeah. She said, get used to it. It's not going anywhere. So, but, but the silver lining is, and just like that,

Big died. Did you, is this from sex in the city? Sex in the city. So in just like that, a new chapter of sex in the city. Okay. I watched all of sex in the city. It's not great. It's not great. It's problematic, but it's, I don't know. It was fun. It had a moment. It had its moment on TV and on HBO in the early two thousands or something.

And let me tell you this garbage horse shit fest of Bonanza. Yeah. That is the new season. And just like that without Kim Cattrall, it is so rotten. It is. It is so rotten. Do you think that sex in the city people though are so into it that they don't care? I don't know because I, I can't watch it. And I, I like, I was really looking forward to it. I was like way more excited for it than I should have been like no reason to be that excited about it. Does, you know, considering the stuff I like, but I watched it and I was like,

It's just manure. Because the Will and Grace reboot was so good. Was it really? It was the same characters, a little older. And then, you know, in the first episode, they explain divorces, why they're single, you know. And it was great. It's the same characters, but transplanted to today's things. Yeah. Like they made Karen Walker Trump supporter. Makes a lot of sense. Really? Yes. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. They make, you know, seeing Grace as a divorced woman is kind of interesting. She's vulnerable in a new way. Maybe then that's a good blueprint because this series is like they had the girls frozen in time. Like they were frozen in the 90s or the late 90s or whatever and woke up in 2021 and were like, what's all this envy? What's all this tran? What's all this woke? What's all this Instagram? Yeah.

I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you people? And they're like old, you know, the older, in their 50s, approaching 60. The age of the women who are supposed to be watching that, not gay men,

The age of the woman, they do feel that way, I think, probably. But they also didn't wake up, like, frozen in time. Like, it's, you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't happen overnight, you know? And, of course, they're just going down the list, checking every box of, like, okay, non-binary, trans, like, all of these, like, checklists, these diversity checklists, and you're like,

This is, this is brutal. Sometimes in helping we hurt. Exactly. I was like, what? This is some really, really clunky, funky, just bad shit. And also, spoiler alert, one of the, Carrie's like fairytale husband dies on the Peloton. And the bike? Yes, on the bike. On the end of the first episode. And she, it like, she literally says, and just like that, Big died.

And I couldn't stop howling and laughter because it was so heavy handed and so overwrought and so melodramatic. And then she finds he's like slumped over in their giant apartment and like looking all glassy eyed. And she comes home and stares at him, doesn't call the ambulance at all. She just looks at him and then she goes into the shower with her satin Manolo Blahniks and just like cries over his dying body. It's so weird. It's so weird.

It's so weird. Is Big her husband? Yes. Mr. Big. And they've been married this whole time? Yeah. Since the movies. But this is the thing. This is so that she can be single. It's a storytelling device. She can be single again.

It's for the divorced or women who are widowed. Yeah. That's me. I see me. It's so grim though. I mean, it's like, I guess the whole happily ever after thing wouldn't play out very well for a new series. Cause who wants to watch you learn how to cook? Nobody, but you know, it's just, I don't know. It's so weird. And then one of the main characters, did you think it was going to be good? Also when you and other gay men watch it, do you think that you're the target audience?

Yeah. Cause you're not right. I've never seen that. I think we are like, like older gay men like me. And then, um, you know, women Cosmo drinking, but that's who I think it's for. I know. It's so weird. It's like the fun aunt. Yeah. But that's who I am. The weird uncle, not the fun aunt. Yeah. I don't know. Anyways, it's, it's fucking rotten. It's so bad. It's so bad. It's so unforgivably bad, but you know, Sarah Jessica Parker looks great.

That's listen, that those, those women being beautiful was never an issue. No, they're all gorgeous. No, she looks great.

I have moved on in my TV journey from Wife Swap and then I jumped ship to Hoarders. Okay. Which is fine. I'll probably burn that. Well, I'm watching Reno 911 from the beginning still. So fucking good. I am going to watch that too. I made a note of that the other day. I was like, I'm going to watch that from the beginning because I haven't seen hardly any of it. And they're all so funny. Season one, episode one, the pilot. You're like, how's this a pilot? Yeah.

It's amazing. Really? There's no finding your footing. There's, I mean, they just know who they are. Well, yeah. And Wendy McClendon. Yeah. Wendy, Wendy McClendon. I'm so obsessed with her. She's so funny. She's so hot in the show. Yeah. Cause she says it's just tits, big blonde hair, makeup. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, I've been a big fan of those people since they did the state, which was like so long ago. And, but that's, I, that's probably why the show works so well, right off the bat, because they've been working together forever.

Most of those guys. It's really good. I'm in season three now. And then I'm watching Hoarders again, which is fun. But I've noticed with Hoarders... We got Dirty Diana outside. The older people who hoard, it's harder to break them of their habits. I know.

I would imagine. And I don't, I just don't, I guess I don't understand. Like you ask for the show hoarders to come help you unhoard and then you resist the whole time. I know. I don't get that. And sometimes it's like, well, if you don't get this hoard cleaned up, the city is literally taking your house the week after we leave. Right. And they'll fight it the whole time. And it's like, I know you like your shit, but your house is going to be taken away from you. Right. And that's where, that's where all the magic happens. Ostensibly. And,

And we're talking, it's not like we have a lot of stuff. These people don't have beds. These people lay down in garbage and go to sleep. They just get on the garbage hoarders. I mean, guilty. And just like that, big time. It's just really like,

I don't know. It's sort of like Kitchen Nightmares, which is another show I love. I love Gordon Ramsay programs. You love seeing people at their worst, don't you? But there's a story they always improve. Oh, okay. Usually. Yeah. Kitchen Nightmares, they'll ask Gordon Ramsay for help with their failing restaurant, and then they'll fight him the whole time. Damn. What if he knows what he's talking about? Yeah. Listen to Gordon Ramsay. Yeah, he does. I mean... I mean, obviously his job is to show up and yell at you. Yell at you, yeah. But listen...

Yeah. Isn't there, I mean, I'm sure they want a success story there too. They want you to do better. They want you to improve. Well, yeah, the show's not satisfying if they'd go help people and nothing changes. Right.

It's like a runner. I'm shooting a renovation show right now. And you have to show what it was like before you started swinging the hammer. Right. So that those reveals are stunning. Are what, what part of the process are you in right now? Like how far along are you? Um, grieving. No. Um, one of the stages of grieving, we are in the stage of, let's say there's six rooms and a seventh room. That's a honeymoon suite. And then there's a whole bar. Cool. I would say we're, if we're talking just reno, um,

30 through that's it i would say if we're talking filming we're probably 40 50 through the filming wow this is a long project it is been doing this for quite a bit of time yeah because you have to shoot me in drag shooting like every room here's this room here's this room in this room and then um all the celebrity guests every episode has multiple celebrity guests damn doing diy so famous people coming and being like thanks for coming so and so today i'm

We're going to reupholster this couch. No way. Yes. Incredible. I don't want to give away too much, but like we are truly all my celebrity friends are getting in full hair and makeup. And then they realize this isn't a joke. It's a job. We're actually renovating. It's a job. And they kill the cameras and they put on like a time-lapse. I'm standing there painting walls for six, seven hours sometimes. In drag.

Out of drag. Out of drag, okay. But sometimes in drag. Wow. A celebrity and I, literally in wigs, painting murals on walls. Jesus Christ. I mean, I've been reupholstering furniture myself. In your free time? Yes. I love it. Do you? It's a second chance. Which is, for some of us, the only second chance we might get. Can I tell you something? Please. What? Wait, wait. Even days like today, where we have been filming together a lot yesterday, and I'm a little fatigued.

I love doing this with you. You're a liar. You're a liar. You've lied so much in your whole life, you bitch. I don't know what, could you imagine if we never worked together, what we would be doing? What do you, if you and I never did, uh, never worked together. I don't know. I don't know. If we were just casual friends, the way you and I are casual friends with a lot of people from drag race. Yeah. What would we, what would you be doing with all that extra time? Well, I don't know because I mean, if you think about it now,

All I do lately is stuff with you. I don't do, I don't think I do anything on my own because I would, I'm in this like retirement phase. It's the commitment to me that keeps you showing up at all. Honestly, that is really like, it's like if it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't really inhabit this, this plane very much at all. You know what I think you would do? What? I know you struggle with the motivation to write. No, I probably would. I probably would write if I didn't have, well, have you thought about doing fiction?

Well, yes, but it's a whole, I would love to take a course on it though. Cause I'd have to do horror story. Yeah. I'd have to do like, um, I was looking up classes the other day. Um, because you have to have deadlines obviously in order to do anything. You're not going to just like, Oh, old me. I was going to say, sometimes we have deadlines and then we just,

And we just don't do anything about it. Well, certain things need to get written. Well, deadlines do serve a purpose because especially when you're attaching a deadline to an artistic project, with artistry, you can fuck with it, shape it forever. It's never done. Forever, forever, forever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Usually what makes me dumb with something is it has fatigued me and I go, I just can't look at it anymore. Absolutely. Or it's like, oh, time's up. Time's up. You're just moving on. When you have a photo shoot, do you like to choose your own selects?

Absolutely. And I can go so quickly. So quickly. I make other people do it. You do? I do. Interesting. Why? Because. You think you have a, not a very good objective sense of what you look like? I think I look, I don't, I don't know. You think you look a hundred percent in every picture? I don't trust anyone to do it. Okay.

Brandon, Jess, who runs my socials, I'll be like, can you just pick the best one? Because I trust them. Absolutely. I'm not asking Bethann. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah. I mean, I think like, I'm, I can just, I hate that the fact that with photos, I mean, with my face 10 degrees in any direction away from the light,

No, not dog, but big difference. Big difference. Big difference. Huge difference. We just had to pick the cover for a project. It's tough. But the one you picked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The face looks great. Face looks fantastic. But in, so out of 30 photographs, right? Because I still don't know how to model. But like 30 photographs, you'll have like, you know, a whole range of, I realized I have three poses. I have mouth open, mouth closed, mouth partway open. Yeah.

But which is so we go. But it's like,

And then tongue out. I've seen tongue out. Tongue out, tongue out. But that's a crutch. Eyes rolled back. Yeah, that's the crutch. That always looks fun. But when you're talking about beauty, it's difficult. But so, yeah, I mean, you look, you just got to get the lighting right. I mean, because the shapes are all there. I mean, it's pretty hard to fuck that up if you look good. Which is why all my favorite photographers, they just do, they do beauty light and then my face does the work. Yep. Because you can't even tell if my eyes are on. I was just going to say, that's a real big one. Because I have, I really recently discovered a lazy eye.

And I have a tendency... You really think you have a cross-eyed, too. I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. It pops out like...

And in boy selfies, I'll notice, oh shit. One eye always is half open and then kind of migrating. It's fine. I've made peace with it. A lot of people are slightly cross-eyed. Most people are. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. You know, when I had to get an MRI for my brain because I thought I was dying, they found a three millimeter growth on my pituitary gland in my brain.

But they told me that an estimated 10% of people have a growth in their pituitary gland and anything under five millimeters is considered like, who cares? Snacks. Yeah. Yeah. People got all kinds of weird stuff in their bodies. Yeah. That's what they said about my waterfilled cyst and my scrotum. Did you have a waterfilled cyst and scrotum? Did. Did.

That's your bladder, honey. You can pee. No. It was the third ball that I discovered while palpating my testes at a young age. Work. And so I went and got an ultrasound. They're like, yeah, it's fine. A lot of people have these. We don't need to. Because cutting through the sack and getting that shit out there, that's real tough. Yeah. They said, even the best fall down sometimes. Third ball. It's about to be cremba. Cremba? Yeah. Happy Honda days. Happy Honda days.

Merry Chrysler. Happy Honda days. Ernie Buck Jr. is coming to town. I can't wait. I love Christmas. I love it. I love it. Are you going to see the Familia? No. No, we already did that. We already did that. Thanksgiving. You're like, we've done it like 38 times. Yeah. We did it. Thanksgiving was lovely. It was fabulous. I think I'm going to send everybody some scratchers.

Oh. Some scratchers. Go white trash with it. Yeah. Do you think that is okay or no? I think it's absolutely fine. You think I should just say that? It's the thought that counts. It's even to write a

Right. It's a huge everything. Yeah. I think that's, I think that's it. And I don't want to send it. I was like, I'm not going to send just a card. I'm going to send a card with some money in it. Something of interest. You know what I mean? Some kind of activity. Polaroids, Federica Bimmel. I'm not kidding. I sell Polaroids every Christmas and they go in a minute. Okay. But Polaroids are what? 50 or 60 original Polaroids of me. I put them in a Christmas card. They go in a minute. Oh, that's fab. Yeah.

And that way you're giving a gift with a real original like. Yeah, that's cool. Because you can print pictures as Polaroids, but these are real original Polaroids. That's cool. And you're the only one who has it. Yeah, I love that. That's cool. Polaroids are fun. They are fun. Cameras can be fun. Yeah, taking pictures is a blast. Taking pictures is fun. And then I'm good. I have to bank a bunch of YouTube stuff over the next like week so I can try to.

Yes. Now, what does it look like you relaxing? I'm so curious to know. It's hard. Yeah. You have to get taped to the wall. As a woman who ran a thousand. A thousand and six miles. As a woman who ran a thousand and six miles. Yeah. Last year. I want to know how many steps I took. It was probably close to a thousand. Three, four. I'm on the beat. I walk. Yeah. You're on the beat. Yeah. I just can't. How did you do that? I don't know. How did you do that? Last July, I ran 174 miles. In the month? In the month of July. Wow.

Isn't that crazy? What does that average out to be like? My longest distance at once last year was 26.1. 174 you said? Yeah. I also got on the scale at the gym. I haven't been on the scale in a year and a half. I lost 17 pounds. Mary, that's five miles a day. Every single day. Uh-huh. An average. Well, because sometimes on the weekends I would run 15, 20.

That's crazy. That's a lot of running. It's a lot of running. Although because I got sick for a month and a half, I'm starting to run again and I'm having to go back to improv one. Oh yeah. So five or six miles right now is hard again. That's tricky. I probably couldn't do a quarter mile. I probably couldn't do a quarter mile.

Yeah, you could. I mean, I could, but it would be tough. Your body responds to everything gradually. Yeah. So as long as you don't leave your house and start sprinting, you can do it. I always thought I was bad at running. I just didn't know how. You have to start very slow. Very slow. You have to basically walk for a few minutes and then kind of walk fast and then stretch as you go. And once you've worked up to a run, your body can support it. Okay. What kind of shoes you got there? I run the Hoka's. The Hoka's. Worn by marathon runners and DJs actually. Wow.

Oh. Because DJs stand for four, five, six hours. Oh. Oh, yes. And not on that, not on that, the pads, the cushions. Not on the cushions. Not on the cushions. Not on the cushions. Last night I went to a party called Fat Slut. Who would play there? You were there. No. I went to a party called Fat Slut at Precinct. How was it? It was, Mateo was DJing and it was, it's Meatballs Party. Oh, love that. And it's all at least slightly chubby go-go boys, which I love. Oh, that's great. I love that.

yeah I love big chubby roided out go-go boys yeah big blubbery rolls when I put your head in them there was one who was at least six one and just I know there was a little more than nature going on there yeah sure he was you know it's getting massive yeah he looked like a Prius Wow a hairy Prius like a Prius a car I

I wanted to put his whole body in my mouth. Big dumper. Big, everything was big. Everything was big. And you know that it was really getting juicy. And you also know that he probably eats a lot. And so the dump itself was big. Oh, sure. Everything. Extras. He's, he's Baconator fries. Everything. Yeah. Everything. So it was all the people in the show. Great, great, great, great. And then,

The contest was sexy eating contest where people come on stage trying to win $100. They give them a plate of food and have to eat it sexy. Sexy. What was it? Anybody do ravioli? Rub it on the food. Rub it on the body. Rubbing it in the mouth. Rubbing a face in it. Sitting on it. Sitting on it. Yeah. Rubbing food all over the body to try to win $100. It's amazing at a gay bar what people will do when the prize is so nothing. Nothing. Yeah. But the fame. Well, I one time took a picture of my cock.

at the BFD trying to win a bottle of vodka. I know you did. Well, it's just the winning. It's just the winning. It's fun. Competition. Well, glory is forever. Yeah. Yeah. It's a fun story. Have you ever entered a bar, like an amateur drag competition, a bar competition? No.

I did do a bar one and then I won. It was the only one I did. And then that's it. You were the only one competing? No, it was just me and two others. What about pageants where there's one person competing? That happens a lot. That's crazy. It happens a lot. That's crazy. Because these new queens don't care about pageants. No. So they're not...

Who's paying for it? And are they doing the whole thing? They're doing, going through the whole rigmarole. Well, I remember hearing drag queens be like, well, I bought that system. I bought that pageant system. And I'm like, what does that cost? What that retail at? 1995. Damn. Three easy payments on karma. I mean, shit. There's like the pageant. I always forget about this. They need to do a more comprehensive documentary in like the whole Miss Gay US of A. US of. Of.

Of A. What does that mean? Miss Gay U.S. of A. Isn't Miss Gay U.S.A. and Miss Gay U.S. of A, aren't they separate? I think Miss Gay America and Miss Gay U.S. of A are separate. But there's two different- The branding issues there. And also, I'll never get over this. Speaking of fat sluts, I'll never get over the fact that they say, at large, for plus size.

I like that. But it's hysterical. What about classique meaning old? Classique meaning old and elite meaning old. But at large to me, that is so funny. At large. At large. Like the killer is still at large. The editor at large. It doesn't mean actually large.

Do you know what I mean? I think that the literal- I know that, but I don't think they know that. I don't think they know it either. It's fucking hysterical to me. Miss Gay US of A at large. At large. Well, doesn't at large mean like you're still out there doing that notorious thing you're doing? Yeah, yeah. The killer is still at large. It's not been caught. On the loose. These people think, oh, the news says the killer's fat. Yeah. Miss Gay US of A on the loose. Yeah.

You know what? If you're going to be, if you're a young drag queen, the one that I think is worth competing for is anything. Miss club, miss club, miss club, miss club, miss club, miss hair, lip, miss club foot, miss hair, lip, miss trim your own bangs, miss hooded lids. Um, miss veneers. Um, no, miss club is like, okay, let's say you competed for the miss, miss Rocco's West Hollywood. Oh,

Oh, you win. You usually win like a guaranteed number of bookings per month, every month for a year. Okay. Then you actually win work. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's usually what you do when within the systems you do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was before. I don't know if it is still the way, but if you win a preliminary for like a state competition, you're,

Does that mean you get to tour the state? If you win the state one, I think you get to tour the state. If you win the national one, then you get to tour around. Yeah. But the nationals is not easy to do. Like I remember, do you know R.R. Sexton? Uh-huh. Icon, if you guys don't know at home. Yeah. It was one of those amazing drags. Incredible.

I saw her when she was Miss Entertainer of the Year, which is a national pageant. E-O-Y. Yeah, and she was traveling to basically every club that participates in that system. Yeah. She goes to every prelim. Yeah. Her job for a year was to do that. Yeah, that's incredible. Also, Continental. We got to watch... Continental. We got to watch some Miss...

America pageants Or Miss Gay USMA If you could go back in time Would you have done more pageants You think Fuck no I think I would have Really I think it would have made me A better drag queen faster I think that Well that's true People who compete They do better Absolutely I mean yeah But then again Ginger told me about Like comedy pageants And I'm like That's cool

Oh, yeah, I guess so. One of the categories is a spokeswoman where you walk on stage They hand you an item. You have no idea what it is and you have to try to sell it in a comedic way Oh, wow, so improv. That's funny. Yeah, that's great. It's valuable skills. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, yeah, and i'm sick of people not thinking i'm gonna be funny just because i'm so hot Yeah, just because you're huge heavy sweaty tits doesn't mean that you can't make tell a joke I've been feeling really bad about myself, but I also know that

This is probably the best I've ever looked. Okay. So that's difficult to not like what you look like, but know that this is the best it's been. Do you know what I mean? That's a horrible. That's so horrible. No, listen, we're in the land of make-believe, honey. We're living in, you know, listen, you can always change.

When somebody- Snip, snip, yank, yank. When I was at Fat Slut last night, I had a hat on, a beautiful, great orange hat that said, you know the cheer logo for- For cheers? No, cheer like detergent. It's a rainbow, it says cheer. It said bear. Okay. It's Teddy Bear's merch. He was on the pod. Gotcha. He has great merch. And I had that on at the bar and I didn't realize, because you know, I like men of all sizes. Yeah.

I like, especially if you have a good face, I really like whatever, whatever. I don't care. Um, but somebody explained to me that a lot of times bigger guys are afraid to come up to somebody who's slimmer like me. Tiny. Because they think that there's like, that they're not going to be into them. Oh, okay. Only big guys are into big guys, et cetera. Cause this guy came up to me and was so friendly and nice. And I was like, everyone's so nice here. And I was like, Oh, I have a hat on that says bear. Oh,

It's the green light. I'm giving them the green light. That's great. God, I could have been nailed by extremely hot bears every day of the week if I would have known that you need to signal to them. I know. Is there a hat that signals everybody? Is there a hat that signals? Yeah. It says whore. Whore. Cum dump. Anon cum dump. Anon cum dump. I don't like that. I don't like that. I'm not a fluid collector. A receptacle. I'm not a Bunsen burner.

I don't well, so anyway, he comes up to you so nice and but you know, I was just there to vibe and uh, I was like, oh my god this hat and then my teddy explained to me Yeah, a lot of the bigger guys That they don't approach someone who doesn't look like them because they don't think that they're gonna be into them and i'm like You shouldn't have to wear a hat that says bear. Yeah for people to feel comfortable talking to you But I guess you never know. I mean like I remember repeatedly hitting on this guy who was like, um

He's like told me the first time he's like, oh you're not my type. Did his hat say corpse?

That's why I went over and talked to him. I was like, oh, okay. So you hit on him a few times. Yeah, because I just forgot. No, I've seen you go off. Yeah. In a way where you go... I go like... They don't really reciprocate. And then you'll wait a beat. And then you'll go again and go, oh, I'm sorry. Goldfish brain. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I forget what just happened. We want to fuck me. But you're also in drag when it happens. Yeah. And so you're riding the high of being the hot slut. Yeah. Or just a slut. Yeah. I mean...

physically hot slut. An overheating slut. An overheating slut.

Burning up slut. Yeah. But I loved going to a party called fat slut. I love that too. I love fat slut. I love fat bitch. There's a fat bitch party. No, but there should be. Oh yeah. That's cool. Fucking bitch. You fucking bitch. A party called fucking bitch. You fucking bitch. Do you miss having a monthly show? Yeah, you do. Yeah. It was fun. It's fun. I wanted, I would love to try to think about doing one here. Maybe quarterly. I think quarterly is more of the move because then it's like, um,

more of an event. We could do one. Yeah. Like the globe or something four times a year. That's too much. That's too much. That's too much. I want to do like a smaller place. You hire other people to handle most of it and they just do your numbers.

Oh, I still, that's too, the scale is too big. I want something like, I want a bar show. I want like a chill. I want a tea dance essentially. Cause I want, I don't want late nights. That's what I want. I want like a monthly local, like I DJ like a day disco. Yes. From four to seven or four to 10. Yeah. Four to 10, four to 10. That's long. Six to 10, four to 10, six to 10, six, 10, 10.

Six to ten. People arrive at six, they dance from six to eight. And then they go home. And they take their big car. And they go home. They go home and put on their big car. I put on the TV. I go to bed. Yeah, but in bed by eleven. Yeah. I'm not trying to... Are you going to see the new Resident Evil movie?

I didn't know that there was one. Resident Evil is my abusive daughter because I love the Resident Evil games. Okay. And the movies are all not good. But I still go because it's Resident Evil. Is Resident Evil the one with the pyramid head? No, that's Silent Hill. Silent Hill. Resident Evil, the first one was Mila Jovovich, Little Red Dress, Zombie Outbreak. Yeah. And she's like a biological weapon. She's done a million of them. Yeah, she's done a million of them, right? Yeah, she's done a bunch of them. But you know what? David Silver, who's like a...

I don't know what you call it. He knows everything about movies. What does that call? A movie buff. He also works in the industry. So maybe that's why, you know, I'm moving professional. He said that those zombie style movies do very well internationally. So he said that's because I'm like, if they're notoriously not good, how do they keep getting made? He said they do well internationally. Probably because the game franchise. Yeah. That's I mean, I always forget how big video games are. Huge, huge, huge, huge, enormous. Yeah. What's the last game you played beginning to end? Um,

We have to be Mortal Kombat on Sega Genesis. Mortal Kombat 3? Whatever was Sega Genesis. That's the last game you played to the end. Yeah. That's a long time ago. I know. It was a very long time ago. Very jealous. I know.

I stopped when I was a left to right girl. Left to right. Once the dimensions started. I said, not on my watch. It's too much to keep track of. It just wasn't satisfying. Left to right. You start and you finish. You like two dimensional experiences. Beginning, middle, end. Well, life's already complicated enough. Yeah. Plus Sonic the Hedgehog. That was the only one I went 3D with. That's fine. Although that was a, I don't think that was, was that 3D? I guess it was. It wasn't left to right.

I'm going to go kill myself. That's the pod today, you guys. Thank you so much. Goodbye.