Why we broke up - the breakup that changed me forever
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Okay, so this is the third attempt at recording this intro. I don't know what keeps happening, but my brain is blocked. I debated if I was ever actually going to speak on this topic and maybe it's just my body freaking out. But I keep getting asked more about the details behind my last breakup and the breakup that inspired the whole Date Yourself Instead podcast and brand and movement podcast.

I've mentioned it briefly on several other episodes and I've talked about it a little bit. So if you are a loyal listener of the podcast, you've probably heard me talk about it briefly about how my ex and I had religious differences and it forced us to break up. And we were dating for a really long time, for years and years. And it was this back and forth dynamic where we couldn't seem to get out of this loop and this cycle together because

Because we were so in love with each other and we didn't want to break up and we never planned on separating. And from the day we met, we had said that we wanted to marry each other. So if you can imagine how complicated and messy and difficult that could get based on solely the fact that we were born in different environments and raised with different families with different religious backgrounds, it's a little bit traumatizing. And it's something that I really didn't know if I wanted to make a full episode about because

I didn't know how it would resonate or relate to most people. I think it's such a niche topic of conversation, this idea of religion and how I honestly don't know that many people who have gone through something like this. But from the few times I've mentioned it briefly on the podcast, I've been able to

I've gotten quite a few DMs on Instagram saying they wanted more details and saying that, you know, I can relate to this. Me and my boyfriend also had religious differences and I want to know more and I want to know what happened and it's really helping me. So,

I'm kind of going into today's episode with the mindset, if it's going to help one or two people, great. Or if you're just curious about the story and what happened to me and everything that led up to the podcast, keep listening. All right. So I'm going to take it back to 2019 for a second. Me and my ex-boyfriend,

not the recent ex, but the ex before that, because I was in a four-year relationship prior to meeting the religious one, okay? We used to travel together for work all the time. It was great. And we ended up breaking up in 2019, right?

So then I went into my I don't give a fuck era where I was dating a lot in New York City. I was in my sex in the city era. It was just honestly me and my dating apps. And I had a few situationships. I would date people for a few months at a time and then something would happen where it just fizzled out or they would do something borderline insane.

And then I would just move on to the next one I was really good at detaching and moving forward and just dating and being free and happy and in my element That was the first time I felt like I was really getting to know who I was what I liked and didn't like in people And it was the first time I hadn't really been in a serious relationship in a very long time because my whole life I've always had a boyfriend. So 2019 was that year where I was just doing my own thing. I wasn't looking for a relationship and

I was 27, so not too young, not too old, but just living my best life in Manhattan. Flash forward to 2020, I was still single and it was February and my lease for my New York City apartment was up. It was coming up in March.

So I'm apartment hunting everywhere. I go to look for a new apartment and I ended up in the Lower East Side one day. The broker of this apartment was convincing me to go to the specific building, even though I had already been in the building before and checked it out. And I didn't really like anything that I saw. He was like, just come back one more time.

It'll be great. I think you're going to like this unit. So I get to the building and there's two other guys there and the broker. And basically the broker took these two other guys with him to look at the same apartment he was showing me.

There was one guy of the two guys. Sorry if this is a little bit confusing, but there was two guys there and one of the guys was looking for the apartment and he had just happened to bring his friend. And one of the guys starts hitting on me subtly, but I was not interested at all. I was just there to see the apartment. So he's like, oh, I'm taking this apartment. It's mine. It's not yours. I'm like, no, you're not. And we're joking around back and forth. Then I make a joke that we should just live together. And...

Whatever. Conversation dies out. It's all good. I don't really think too much into it. I had no interest in this person at all whatsoever. But we had flirted a tiny bit in the apartment and then in the elevator on the way down. We exchanged a few words. I don't really remember what they were. But it was intense. It was intense banter back and forth. And I really like when I can banter with someone. However...

My mindset was solely focused on finding a place to live that I didn't even process the conversation at the time. I didn't really think about it. The last thing on my mind was meeting someone.

So, then I leave, I go home and 20 minutes later, this guy finds my Instagram and DMs me. And for some reason, I happen to see it immediately. Till this day, I still don't know how he found my Instagram, but he claims that his sister followed me, so he recognized me in person, but he just didn't want to say anything and make it awkward. So, I was like, all right, whatever. And I didn't want to even entertain the conversation, but he wasn't flirting with me in DM. So, he kept it very professional.

And he said he found another apartment that I might like and he starts sending me StreetEasy listings. And StreetEasy, for those of you who don't live in New York, like it's an apartment app. So you can search for apartments on this app. So he starts sending me these apartments and he's like, yeah, you might like this one. You might like that one. And then in my head, I thought he was helping the broker and he was some guy that the broker brought to help him sell apartments or rent out apartments to people. So I got a little confused because

And I responded and thanked him and I was like, thanks so much. I'll look into it, whatever. Me thinking that this guy is just trying to subtly slide into my DMs and maybe hit on me, but also actually try to rent me an apartment and he was secretly in the real estate business. So I go to his Instagram, I check out his profile. He doesn't have that many pictures up. He's not following any...

thought models on Instagram in bikinis. He seems to be pretty much normal and there were no red flags. However, I will say that I was not in a place to even really hold a conversation. If there was a chance he was hitting on me and really interested in me, I just didn't want anything to do with it. So then I just started distancing myself. He would message me here and there. I wouldn't really respond or I'd respond like a week later. I was super flaky with my DMs and I essentially forgot about it.

So, in March, I go away for work and COVID happens. Now, I was in the Maldives when COVID hit, which is, for those of you who don't know where the Maldives is, it's in the middle of the Indian Ocean. It's just a group of islands close to, pretty close to Dubai and India. And it's

you're in the middle of nowhere, essentially. Well, you're not really in the middle of nowhere, but you're just so far from the US and it takes like a day to fly there. It's a whole thing. So I'm there on an island hearing that the world is shutting down and then all the resorts in the area were also closing down. So everyone had to evacuate where they were staying and leave. And there were so many flights being canceled out of the Maldives back to the United States. So I

I had to cut the trip short, obviously, and fly home. And instead of flying back to New York, I decided to make the decision to...

fly to Arizona where my brothers actually live and stay there and quarantine. So I end up in Arizona. After all of that, it was already almost April by the time everything started getting really bad. I had so many work things and work events lined up that year. Everything obviously got canceled. And then it was a domino effect where I had nothing to do. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to live in Scottsdale. And I end up going to Scottsdale with my ex-boyfriend who I was traveling with in 2019. And I was like,

I had mentioned at the beginning of this episode, we had broken up. So we were broken up. We were still on good terms. We were friendly. It was fine. It wasn't awkward. We were still keeping in touch and everything was good with us. So we end up quarantining together. So I'm quarantining with my ex-boyfriend during COVID in Scottsdale. We spend maybe two months there together. We were living in a house. We were...

other than hiking and buying food and cooking dinner every night, we had no plans. So it was a very low key quarantine. We didn't really spend that much time doing anything other than working out, trying to maintain our health and eat. And it was nice in a way, honestly, because we had each other. I wasn't completely alone and we were still really close and we were good friends. So it all ended up working out, even though some people might find that really weird.

It's just the way it happened because no one expected a pandemic. No one expected all of that to happen.

Around June, I then decide to move out of Scottsdale and come back to New York City. I found a short-term rental in Financial District. And once I got there, I immediately regretted coming back to New York because there was literally, when I tell you there was literally no one in the city, it was completely empty. I felt like it was a ghost town. I didn't see anyone on the street. It was the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. Now, I don't know if everyone was just

cooped up in their apartments. It was probably partly the case because everyone was still coming out of quarantine. But this was around the time where things were looking up and starting to get better. So there were restrictions slowly being lifted. And at the same time, I think everyone had just moved out of the city. So I was in Manhattan walking the streets alone and it felt like an apocalypse. It was...

really creepy. And the apartment I was living in was actually really nice. So I was enjoying my time there making TikToks. This is when I really started getting into TikTok. I started my dating content on there. I started posting my crazy dating stories and a lot of my videos were taking off. So I was preoccupied with building this whole date yourself instead brand, even though at the time it wasn't called date yourself instead. It was just really me talking about my crazy dating experiences in Manhattan. So I'm just in my apartment creating content. I would

go for runs by the water in Fidai and then I would come home and work. That was essentially my entire day. And this guy from the apartment before COVID happened decides to message me again. And he notices that I'm in Fidai because I start posting Instagram stories. And he invites me to this party that his friend is hosting in Tribeca.

probably under the radar because no one's supposed to have parties during COVID. And I say no, because I was in work mode. I was feeling really good, really confident in my newfound passion for talking about my dating life on TikTok. And I was actually really in this creative mode where I didn't want to go out, start drinking, start socializing. And I didn't want to throw off my...

Because sometimes when I go out and I drink and I socialize, it drains my creative battery. And then I can't really work for a couple of days after that. And I was in such a good state of mind and just really focused. So I didn't want to go out. And I just said no. So then he says, it's fine. No worries. We'll hang out another time.

So that night I work, I do what I need to do for my TikTok and I'm going live. I'm answering questions. I'm keeping myself busy. You can keep yourself really busy in the world of social media, scrolling, liking and commenting on people's things, interacting with your audience. It was taking up all of my time. So I was totally fine. And then by the time I went to sleep, it was around 11 p.m. I wake up at 1230.

so midnight. And this guy has texted me and said the party got broken up, the police came and now he's in my area because he's right next to Fidei. And he said he wanted to come over and hang out. For some reason I was wide awake. Like he didn't really wake me up. I was in and out of sleep and I shot up out of bed and I was super awake and alert and he's asking me if he could come over.

Now I'm in my pajamas. Obviously my hair is a mess. No makeup. I look like a gremlin. Okay. I'm in no place to start hanging out with someone in the middle of the night. That's just not going to happen. And it's not what I would typically normally do.

So I'm like, no, I'm good. I'm kind of just pushing him off and saying, no, this isn't really good timing. I'm half asleep. And he's like, come on, like I'm in your area. And he kept being super pushy about it. So he ends up Ubering to my area. And then this is going to sound borderline stalkerish because he was being really stalkerish at the time. Very persistent, but also a huge stalker. So...

he calls me and for some reason I decided to pick up the phone, even though my brain was telling me you're not interested. Don't even answer. I don't know what happened, but my intuition just kind of said, answer it. So I answered the phone and he's like, listen, we don't have to hang out for that long. I'm just in the area. Can I come and see you for a bit?

So after I heard his voice, my mind immediately changed because I didn't remember his voice and his voice is super deep. It really turned me on and I'm like, oh, okay, like this is actually someone I could be attracted to. But yeah,

It was only because he called me. Like if he had just texted me and said, I'm on my way, I would have said no. But he had the confidence to call me and I liked his voice. So I'm like, okay, fine. But you have to leave soon because I'm tired. And I just woke up, like you literally woke me up and it's super late. So he ends up coming to my apartment and we don't hook up, but we kissed. And when he got to my apartment, I opened the door and

There was just a vibe like I didn't expect it to happen at all It was the last thing in my mind where I was like, oh I might actually like this person But there was definitely this energy where I was like, oh this is intense. I'm actually attracted to him and

I didn't really even remember his face or exactly what he looked like in person because I had his Instagram, but he didn't really have pictures of himself on there and they were like old pictures. So I didn't really get a good sense of what he looked like again until six months later, basically. And the interaction at the apartment originally when I met him was so quick, it was maybe five or 10 minutes. So my brain didn't really register the chemistry or if there was actually a vibe there, but now it was just the two of us alone. And I feel these sparks. I'm

I'm like, oh shit. It hit me really really hard so we're sitting on my couch and We're talking and I just felt like I had known him for so long The conversation was so natural And it just felt like we really hit it off right away and it was totally normal It was as if he'd been to my apartment a million times already It was the weirdest thing and I hadn't really ever experienced that with anyone before where I was just so I felt so close to them and so comfortable right away so

We kissed and it was really good. So then I'm like, oh fuck, like this is making me super nervous. And I started getting really, really, really anxious. So I stand up after we kiss and I open all the windows of my apartment. And then I start like bugging out and I'm like, I'm really hot. Okay, like maybe you should go. I'm not really ready for anything right now. And I got the vibe that he wanted to have sex with me. So I started getting really nervous and I didn't want to go there. So I was like, yeah, like you're kind of gonna have to leave, whatever.

And he's like, yeah, no worries. He ends up leaving and my whole body shut down. I was like, I cannot do this right now. And I started being super avoidant with him. So he would text me. He asked me to dinner, I think the next night. And I just said, no, he asked me to hang out a couple more times. I said, no. Then he asks me again to hang out and grab dinner. And I just completely lied. And I said, oh, I'm busy. My friend invited me to something and I'm going to be with her. And I

I didn't want to go there. My whole thing was like, I didn't want to get myself in a serious relationship when my work was going so well and I was in such a good flow. I didn't want to go there because I was really truly happy being on my own and dating myself instead. And I didn't want to entertain the idea of something serious right now because the feelings I have when I was with him were overpowering everything. Like he left and I was like shaking because of how intense the connection was right off the bat. So I was avoiding him at all costs.

And I was like, I'm just going to forget about this. I don't want to get myself involved with someone right now. And he keeps trying. And then it got to the point where he asks me for dinner again. I told you I lied about it. I said I couldn't hang out. My friend had something. And he posts a story two hours later with another girl at dinner.

When I tell you I was enraged and so upset, I knew I really liked him right then and there because I was so jealous. I was insanely jealous. I'm like zooming in on the girl's hand and her bag. And I'm like, who the fuck is this girl? He just asked me for dinner and then he replaced me two hours later. I messaged him on Instagram. I replied to his story that he posted of this girl. And I'm like, have I been replaced?

And he responds, "Ha ha ha ha, that was it. "Ghosted me the rest of the night, didn't say a word. "I'm so pissed." And then I realized I really did like him and I did want to see him because the way to a woman's heart who isn't sure about you, get her really fucking jealous, okay?

I'm kidding, but that worked on me somehow because then psychologically, I was like, I need to make an effort to see him now. He tried so hard. I kept rejecting him. This is all my fault. I was beating myself up over it. I was so mad. And then the rest of the weekend, we don't speak. So in my head, I'm like, he's with this girl. He's dating her. He doesn't like me anymore. I fucked everything up. Come that Monday, I had to DM him. And I just said it. I'm like...

Let's hang out. He's like, oh, like do you actually want to I'm like, yes, I do so His trick worked on me later on in the relationship He told me he planned all that on purpose to get me mad But he actually did hook up with that girl and he was hooking up with her. So he Essentially used someone else to get me really jealous, which was not cool And I felt really bad for her in a way because it's kind of messed up But they were never anything serious and he made that clear to me so

After that, everything changed. We start hanging out every day and within two weeks, also because of COVID and everything was just super accelerated and more intimate because there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. I ended up moving into his apartment two weeks later, literally two weeks later. And we start this full-blown relationship. We are together 24 seven. We go to breakfast, lunch, and dinner together.

We raised his puppy together. He bought a puppy during COVID and the puppy was still pretty young at the time. So we're raising a dog together and we're doing everything together. So we became super close super quickly and it felt like we were literally married. And we had said it to each other so many times that we felt like we had just known each other for a million lifetimes before. Now there was one huge problem.

And the problem was he comes from an ultra religious Orthodox community and I come from no community. I'm not religious. I was raised Catholic, but I'm not religious or tied to anything specific. So the issue here is that I would have to convert, convert religions essentially. And even with doing so, the specific community that he's from does not accept conversions. So it became this whole thing

huge problem wedged in between the love that we had for each other. When I tell you we were so intensely connected, it's the craziest thing I've ever felt in my entire life. And that I'll probably ever feel in my entire life. We...

could not stay away from each other no matter how hard we tried. And it was always this topic of conversation where everything was amazing and perfect. And we felt like we were just supposed to be together because it felt like a soulmate connection. But then this whole topic of religion would play into everything. So it was like, we're so in love, but what are we going to do? That was the ultimate question lingering over the relationship. What are we going to do? And

It went from being the most intense, amazing, beautiful relationship to the most depressing circumstances I've ever experienced with anyone because we watched each other crumble and fall apart. This is so weird to talk about. And yeah, I don't know. It's just, I'm thinking of like everything and it's taking me back there.

We were so happy when we were together in the beginning for months. And then it just kept getting worse and worse progressively because of this situation. And we kept promising each other that we were going to figure it out and work through it. And it just felt like obstacle after obstacle after obstacle when it came to the religion and trying to do research to see how it could work and see how it could be possible without destroying our lives and hurting his family and affecting my family. And it was just so messy and painful.

Ultimately, throughout years of trying and trying and trying to figure it out, it just couldn't work. And it was because ultimately, I think he would have to

Like he would have to give up the relationship he had with his family. He would have to risk everything for his future. The community that he's from probably wouldn't ever accept it. And it would be this whole thing for the rest of his life that I think if we were together would cost him so much. And it would also cost me because I would have to change so much of who I am to keep up with it. And that was always a huge topic of conversation. Just how are we going to do this when I have to change my identity and it doesn't feel authentic to me. And then like,

raise my children a certain way that I'm not comfortable with. And then you align yourself with your beliefs and everything that you want, but now I'm miserable and unhappy. And you align yourself with your faith and what you truly believe in, but now your wife is going to be miserable in the relationship. And

If I get my way with certain things, then you're gonna be miserable because it's gonna go against what you believe. And it was this whole thing back and forth for so long, as you could see, even talking about it, it sounds very complicated and messy because it was. But that part aside, if we removed that issue and we just looked at each other as two souls that were in love, it was the best relationship in the world because we loved each other so much. We had the best times together. We were always laughing together. We loved hanging out in any environment, right?

We got along so well. We never had a fight. To this day, we've never had like a really, really intense fight before. We've always mutually respected each other and had open conversations with each other. Even in the worst possible scenarios and situations that we were in, we always had so much mutual respect for each other where we were able to always have open discussions without yelling at each other, without...

having things be too toxic or anything because we were always just respecting each other's words and listening to each other and caring about the other person so much that we never got in a crazy fight. And that's what made it so much worse and harder because when the love is so strong and you respect the other person so much and they respect you, it's so fucking hard to walk away. It's the worst thing in the world. I don't wish it upon anyone. What I went through

in this situation, I don't wish upon anyone because it was so painful and letting go and then breaking up and getting back together multiple times because we couldn't stay away from each other. It was literally borderline impossible. It just felt impossible to let go. And even to this day, I still have very strong feelings for this person because nothing terrible between us personally had happened. You know,

We had an open line of communication at all times and nothing crazy happened. Other than obviously this huge issue wedged in between our relationship, everything else was always so good. And now my standards are so incredibly high for the person that I would want to marry because he is the person that...

I could have seen myself marrying. And when I was going through the thick of the breakup and I felt like I was dying, I booked a trip to Tulum. And that was the episode where I talked about doing magic mushrooms in Mexico. If you listened to that episode, you know what I'm talking about.

That was the trip where I did this healing spiritual retreat with a woman who ultimately changed my life. And I cleared out a lot of trauma and sadness from my body with this woman while I was in Tulum. And I did like a solo trip to heal and to feel somewhat okay and mentally stable. And that's when I thought of the idea for the podcast, Date Yourself Instead. So...

It kind of all led me to this moment where i'm sitting in the studio now and talking to you guys about my dating experiences Which is so crazy to think about because everything really truly Aligned itself in a way that made sense for my life and it brought me A lot of peace knowing that I could help other people through my experiences so after going through the most painful breakup of my entire life and then doing this spiritual retreat that ultimately Changed the course of my life and then led me to create the date yourself instead brand That's really how I got to where I am today sitting in the studio and

It's crazy and it's fascinating to me to look back on my entire journey and see how much I've grown and changed and learned from the ultimate overall experience. And I know that he supports me and the brand and he is so supportive and amazing and he

He'll always be such a significant part of my life just from the standpoint of We'll always care about each other and root for each other regardless of we're in other relationships or not, you know, i've Dated a little bit since him and he's also done his own thing and we've taken a lot of time apart and We're able to have the same mutual respect we had for each other in the relationship because that's just the type of connection that we always had so

you know at the end of the day moving on from a breakup like that has not been an easy journey to say the least and My friends watched me go through it. My family watched me go through it and it was sad it was really sad because I think everyone on the outside also saw how Real the connection was and how deep it was and how much this person actually meant to me and how much I meant to him so You know

I always say you never know what could happen in the future. You never know what the future has in store. And if we ever did decide to reconnect, maybe when we're a little bit older and have our lives figured out. And if we still, you know, haven't met our special person, it's something to talk about. But for now, it's just we both kind of made the decision a while ago that it couldn't work because our lives were burned to the ground. And...

We just went through too much. It was just too much chaos too much sadness too many fucking tears Too many nights of just crying myself to sleep every night So I feel like I sound extra sad recording this episode today, but it's really really hard for me to talk about Like I don't feel 100 comfortable Sharing every single detail and i've left plenty of details out However, if this episode can help one person today, that's what truly matters and I

I'm really thankful for all of you who have supported the podcast and who have supported all the episodes so far and just have listened to the stories that I've had to share. So if this can help even one or two people today, that's amazing. And before I conclude today's episode, I guess the last point I want to make is about what this whole situation taught me. And I think the biggest thing is just learning how to surrender. Surrender to things that you can't control because...

There was no controlling something like this. You couldn't control how we felt about each other. You couldn't control the chemistry, the connection. And it just was inevitable. I think this was supposed to happen to teach me a lot of lessons about myself and to teach me how to let go sometimes and master detachment and let go of the things that

I can't control for myself. It's really, really difficult, but it's taught me so much and it's made me so much stronger and wiser and ultimately better and more mature emotionally. I feel like I'm able to handle a lot more on my plate now emotionally because I've gone through probably the worst of my emotions. So it's like built my character in ways I can't even describe. And I'm very thankful for that. And I also have a lot more empathy for people who go through really heartbreaking situations, way more empathy where I'm

I just understand on such a deep emotional level what a lot of people experience when it comes to heartbreak. So there's a blessing in the breaking, one of my favorite quotes, and it's so true. There's always a blessing in every situation, even if it's painful in the moment, even if you feel like you're never going to be able to get through it, it's true. There's always some sort of beauty once you pull yourself out of the tunnel of pain that you often have to go through in order to grow and evolve.

And with that being said, that definitely concludes today's episode. If you felt like this podcast episode resonated with you, I would love to hear your feedback or if you just enjoyed it at all and you liked the story time, always feel free to DM me on Instagram, Atlas, or on the podcast account at Date Yourself instead. I love you guys so much. Thanks as always for listening and stay tuned for next Monday.