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Welcome to Date Yourself Instead. Date Yourself Instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just going to learn how to love myself and that's it. Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of Date Yourself Instead. So today's episode, I really wanted to talk about why it's important not to rush getting into anything with anyone and to really take your time and have a little patience and trust the process when you're just starting to get to know someone and you're in the early stages of dating.
I've just been through a lot of experiences where I had a really instant attraction and connection to someone. And I thought we were literally soulmates and we were going to be together and we were going to get into a relationship and dive right in because we had this instant spark and connection.
Only to find out later that they weren't the person that I actually thought they were. And it was just kind of a facade that they were putting on in order to either sleep with me or just keep me there just to kind of casually date. And their intentions were not at all what I had thought based on what they had shown me. It seemed like they were super interested, but then they'd pull back and I'd get disappointed. And it was always like...
I would fall for this instant spark and attraction when I initially was getting to know someone. And I just thought it would be cool to create an episode kind of centered around that and why it's important to just take your time and slow down and realize that
The right things will happen at the right time and the right relationship. It won't be forced. You won't have to be confused or questioning anything or putting the gas on the relationship pretty much and flooring it. I feel like sometimes we tend to have a connection with someone and then we're just like, okay, let's do this. And women are very fast paced, but I feel like I've had experiences where...
I like to rush things. I'm a very fast person. And when I really have a connection with someone and I start to like someone, I like to just floor it. Like I like to put my foot on the gas and just like go for it. And I'm a very go for it type of person in relationships.
But over the course of time and just from my dating experiences, I've realized that it's not always the best thing to floor it and just dive right in because usually it's like a crash and burn situation. If you've ever heard that expression before, it's kind of like when you dive right in and everything is so passionate and electrifying and amazing and you're telling all your friends, this is the best relationship ever and blah, blah, blah. And everything seems to be going really well in the beginning, but
But then it like quickly dies and fizzles out because you didn't actually really get to know each other on a deep level. It was just very surface level type of thing. And you weren't seeing that person in the right light at the time. You just were so blinded because you were so in these like infatuated. You were basically just in a state of infatuation with this person. So it was kind of like you were just constantly blinded.
obsessive over this idea of you guys having this dreamy romantic vibe and it actually was just infatuation. It wasn't actually love. It's like the difference between lust and love. And true love, in my opinion, is just, it comes much later in the relationship when you really have seen every single fucking side of your partner, every single little piece of your partner, and you still are standing there and want to stand by them through everything. I think that's true love. You know, in marriage, when you say in sickness and in
health. It's like so true. Are you going to be able to go through the hardest, craziest battles and life shit with this person? I think that's what it comes down to when you're really in love with someone. But in the beginning, you can't really see that side of someone because you're not going through these intense life journeys together. You're just getting to know each other. So this episode is really just about learning how to not rush into things. And I'm going to share a personal story. I'm going to share a personal dating experience of a
a situation that I really rushed into and it was a super quick crash and burn situation. We had a really good connection in the beginning and I thought he really liked me and I really liked him and I didn't want to like sleep with him because I wanted to play my cards right and just kind of get to know him before I did anything intimately with him and
It was just, I didn't really see through the BS because I was just like, okay, like this guy is really genuine and really nice. So I'm going to just get right into it, tell you a little story, and then I'm going to go over what I learned from that situation pretty much. So there was once a guy that I met on a dating app. I had no expectations going into it. I didn't really, I wasn't really expecting much. I honestly didn't.
from the pictures to be completely transparent, did not find him that attractive. It is what it is. He seems really nice. And we had a lot of similar lifestyle choices. He was super into fitness and plant-based stuff. And like, I was just like, okay, let's just see what happens. Wasn't super interested, but I was definitely open to it.
We ended up meeting at this bar in New York City. And right off the bat, I didn't feel this intense connection with him. But as we started to talk more and get to know each other and tell each other a little bit about ourselves, I started...
becoming attracted to him because we're very similar and we have a similar vibe and he's an entrepreneur and I have my own stuff going on as well. And he seemed like super successful, had a shit together. It was just a good vibe overall. He seemed like super positive and super kind, super respectful. We ended up going on a
We were texting pretty much every day. He was being super nice. There was nothing that I could have said was a red flag or anything like that. And I just remember being attracted to him and really liking him. And it was moving pretty quickly where we started...
talking a lot more and then going on a couple more dates. And I remember specifically, I took him to this secret private rooftop that I know about. And I don't really take people there. I've done like a couple of photo shoots there with friends, but I don't take guys there or anything. It was just a place that I knew about, which really cool views. And he wasn't from
New York. So I was like, maybe it would be cool. Like he'll see a private little part of the city. I honestly think he was just trying to act impressed. Like he probably was like, why is this girl taking me here? Anyways. So I took him to this rooftop and then a week later he had texted me over the weekend. He basically was saying that he was busy that weekend and we weren't going to hang out and
no planning of any sort of dates or anything like that, but he was just like, "Hey, I wanna bring my friend to this rooftop. Can you let me know where it is?"
I forgot the address. That's like a place that I don't bring people. It's not a public space. It's actually someone's apartment building that I just know about because I knew people that used to live there. It was a private place, you know? So no one really knows about this spot other than me and a few other people. So I was just like, this is a little bit weird. Why is he trying to bring his friend up there?
And it was a Saturday night. So in my mind, is he bringing a girl up there? I don't know why it just kind of came to mind in the back of my head. It's weird that he's just, why would he want to take his guy friend up there? You know, it was kind of like a spot you would just go and bring someone you really like and chill up there, you know? So I was just kind of weirded out and...
I was getting a little suspicious and just uncomfortable, but I ended up telling him anyway. And I ended up bumping into him by chance, total coincidence, a couple nights after. And he was with the guy friend that he said he was trying to bring up to the roof. So I was like, oh, how was your little date up on the roof? And his friend like had no idea what I was talking about. And I saw the guy's face get red. It seemed like
the whole thing was just a lie and he was bringing a girl up there. I had my suspicions. I could be wrong. My gut was telling me something was definitely off. He was definitely seeing other girls and I was not. I was basically just another girl on the roster. And I
It just started to make me question myself and how I valued myself because obviously it's not that deep. Okay. He obviously did not like me that much. I actually liked him a lot. It's more, am I rushing my feelings too soon for people? Why was I so invested in helping someone out and taking him to cool spots? Like, why isn't he taking me to cool spots? You know, I actually remember I also took him to the Empire State Building because my friend was,
worked there at the time. So she got me free tickets and I took him there as well because he had never been. Why was I taking him on dates? That's so weird. He was more than happy to go, right? But at the same time, I guess after I took him to these two dates,
At the time, I didn't feel like it was a big deal because he was so receptive to it. And he was like, yeah, sure, I'm down, like no problem. And he was being super nice. But looking back, I'm like, damn, it's like desperate energy almost. Why was I putting in so much effort and trying to hang out with someone who
that wasn't really giving that much. If anything, from my perspective now, I'm like, holy shit, why did I even bother? Because I didn't have enough in the beginning to actually start initiating dates or plans.
And although he was receptive to it and he was going on these dates with me, I was doing more and putting in way more than I had to. And I think I was rushing into it because I thought this connection was so good in the beginning. But looking back, I'm like, it wasn't so great at all. And I was just...
I think at the time I was just in a vulnerable place in my life where I was like, okay, anyone who was actually kind of respectful and nice to me on the surface, I would just invest more into because they were being nice. But like that's literally just human decency. Just because a guy is nice to you and he's respectful and he's receptive to hanging out doesn't necessarily mean that he wants to be in a relationship with you.
And it doesn't mean his intentions are placed in being in a serious situation with you where he is going to fall in love with you. That's not at all the case. So what ended up happening was we were still talking. We were still, you know, in a situation where I felt like he was a friend to me. We actually hadn't hooked up or anything like that. Like we hadn't had sex. Like it was not like that. It was a friendship, but we were also going on dates.
And then it came to the point where I remember he had asked me to go get a tattoo. And then after he got the tattoo with me, he wasn't talking to me the whole time. He literally was on his phone and not even interested in having any sort of conversation with me. It was really awkward. I felt like he was paying more attention to his phone online.
on the dates, I guess, than in conversation with me. So I would have to go on my phone and I would feel so uncomfortable because I was like, does this guy even like, like me now? Like, or is, are we friends? Like if we were just friends, I would have been totally fine with that. It wasn't this crazy romantic vibe where I was like, oh my God, I'm in love with him. I was down to just be friends, but everything was just so confusing. He was making me
genuinely just lost. And I was like, why is he like ignoring me? But he asked me for these plans. It was just weird. After that, he never spoke to me again. It fizzled out and burned out really fast. And then I found out he was dating someone else shortly after that. So I think what happened was he was seeing other people when we were hanging out and he just liked someone else better. And he ended up in a relationship, which is totally respectable and fine. But
But just looking back, I'm like, damn, I was doing so much. Why was I doing so much for someone that I was basically just friendly with, barely knew him, thought I knew him because we had had some deep conversations. But you can really have a deep conversation with a lot of people. You know, it doesn't, it could be a friend. It could be your family member. Just because you have a deep conversation with a guy does not mean you're going to be anything, you know?
And I think I was just kind of a little bit naive to that at the time because when you do have a deep conversation with someone or you start hanging out frequently, it starts to build this trust where you're like, oh, okay, so we're doing this. We're hanging out. We're getting to know each other. And then to have it kind of pulled away from you pretty quickly, you're just like, where did it go wrong? And then you start blaming yourself and thinking that you were stupid for everything.
getting involved with this person at all. And I did feel a little stupid. This is so weird because if he had said he just wanted to be my friend, I would have been fine with that. But there was no clear guidelines to this type of situation. It was just very, we were dating briefly. We were dating very briefly, but for what? We could have just hung out as friends and there would have been no expectation at all behind it.
Point being, just take your time when you're getting to know someone because there's no rush if it's the right person, right? There's no rush. There's no pressure to what are we or what are we doing? Because if it's the right person, it'll unfold naturally and you'll just know. And after this guy, after this situation, I think I held off on dating for a little bit and then COVID happened and there was just timing things where I was like, okay, I'm just going to be alone for a bit.
And then when I ended up meeting the next guy...
who I ended up getting into a relationship with. It was so easy. It was just so easy and it wasn't rushed. It wasn't forced. I wasn't doing anything. I didn't make any sort of effort to be with him. The only thing I did was show up and be myself and just be unfiltered and not have any expectation behind anything. And he was putting in the effort to make it happen. You know, he was actually doing the work.
to be in a relationship with me. He basically told me, I want to be in a relationship with you after date three. And I was just like, you do? Why? And he was telling me how guys just know right away, pretty much after a couple of dates, if they want to be serious with you. It's very point blank, black and white in their head. And there's going to be no confusion. He was like, I can speak for most men within a couple of dates. They'll know if they want a serious relationship with you or not.
Obviously, there's specific cases where that's not true, but he's like, for the most part, if you're confused all the time by a guy's actions and you're dating him for one, two, three months and there's no clear direction in the relationship, there's no point in continuing it because he doesn't want to be with you. He's just keeping you there until he finds the person he actually is obsessed with and wants to be with right off the bat. And I was like, hmm, that's interesting because a lot of the time when I've
dated guys. I've been with them for a month, two months, three months, and things have been going well. Like it was, I never had like this feeling like, oh my God, this is like a terrible situation. I'm being treated badly. Like, no, like everyone was nice to me. I've been treated with respect, I guess on the surface, but the intention behind it was just to keep me there. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't, oh my God, I want to be with this girl. It was like,
yeah, she's cool. I'll keep her around until I meet my wife. The unspoken truth underneath each situation I was in is she's cool. I like her. She's independent. She works for herself. She's successful. She's attractive. I like her. Cool enough to keep around, but...
I'm going to keep her around until I meet my wife because she has all these things going for her and she's tolerable. I like her as someone I can keep in my life until I meet the right person for me, until I meet my actual wife. I think that's really how guys operate in their head. And I don't think it's out of like this vicious mentality. I'm just going to use her. Like using is a very strong word. I don't think guys think of it like that. I really do believe. I mean, some do for sure. But I think a lot of guys who are
They're good people, right? There's guys that are really good hearted and they have good intentions behind getting to know you. But it's a convenience thing where I'll keep her there because it's convenient for me and it feels good to me and it's not a bad thing and it's just chill. The word is like, it's just chill. I've had so many guys tell me, yeah, you're chill. You're really chill. I like hanging out with you. But then there's always this unsaid but where it's like,
okay, you like hanging out with me, but is it going anywhere? Or are you just okay with just hanging out with me? Whereas if it's the right guy, if it's the right person, they'll make sure that you're in a relationship. They'll want to be in a relationship with you because they're not going to want you being with anyone else. Or they're not going to want even that thought that they want to see anyone else. They're not going to want to even look at another girl. That's
The definition of someone really wanting to be in a relationship with you is when they're not looking at any other woman or any other person and they're all eyes on you and they're like, I don't give a fuck about anyone else. I need you. You're my prized possession and I don't want anyone else to have you. That's how you deserve to be treated, right? That's the bare minimum here because...
there will be someone that does value you like that. But you also have to learn how to value yourself before you find that person because you are what you attract. So if you're constantly thinking that you're not worthy of that type of situation, you're like, that's impossible. There's no guy in the world like that. No one's ever treated me like that. That's what you're going to keep attracting. That's what you're going to keep getting. And I used to say those things all the time. I used to be like,
do guys actually want to be with you besides for the convenience of having sex? Like I used to say these like toxic things that would show up in my life. And then I would just keep getting that same thing because that's what I believe to be my reality.
But when you actually believe that you're worthy of that type of love, trust me, that type of love exists. I see it all the time. You get what you pay attention to and focus on. And if you focus on that type of love and you're like, I'm not going to settle for anything less. This is what I want. You'll eventually end up getting that. And if you doubt it constantly and you're anxious about it, you're like, oh shit, I don't deserve that. I'm never going to find that type of situation. I'm never going to find that type of partner that values me like that. Then you're
you're going to end up attracting that. And that's going to end up being your reality. So it's really what you pay attention to and you actually believe. And it's also how you value yourself, how you show up every day, how you take care of yourself. These are things that will either bring you towards the right person that's going to treat you amazing and be obsessed with you and be all about you or not.
I've always met a significant other. I've always got into a serious relationship when I was at my best self, when I didn't want one. And when I was so independent and focused on myself and I was feeling healthy and productive and working out and putting all my energy into myself, like that's always when I found my person. And it's always, I mean, obviously, okay, did all of those situations work out for the end, the longterm? And like, am I married to any of those people? No, but I
That's when I've attracted people that wanted me as more than a casual hookup. I've attracted people into my life when I was my best version of myself, when I wasn't looking for anything. And I was truly just focused on making myself the best version of myself that I could be.
I kind of went off on a tangent here, but you have to understand that it's never going to be so fucking complicated with the right person. And that goes for even, it doesn't matter if it's only three weeks in. If there's confusion, even a couple of weeks in, that's usually not a good sign. I've been able to help my friends through situations like this. Like for example, I remember one of my friends, she was dating a guy who was
who was super nice to her, so sweet. He wasn't a bad person, you know? And he was, I could tell he was a genuine guy, but he would flake on her. They would try to make a plan and then he would come up with some lame excuse why he couldn't or why he was busy or he had work or his sister was in the hospital or something like, which I believe, I don't think he was being completely honest about that. He would throw out these excuses. Like it wasn't like a one or two time thing. It was like every time they would try to make a plan,
They hung out a few times, but he was always kind of like avoidant and like just saying things like, oh, like I would love to see you, but I have this. And I just straight up told her if he was obsessed with you and he actually saw you as someone he wants to be with, he would drop everything in his fucking life to come drive to you and see you.
Like he was blaming it because he lived 40 minutes away or something. No. If he really, really, really, really likes you, he's going to drive the 40 minutes to see you. That's a given. That's just basic shit that I think is bare minimum shit. He should be putting in the effort if he really likes you. But if a guy doesn't really, really feel that instant connection and instant attraction, he's not head over heels about you, yeah.
Even if it's a few weeks in, I really believe that you deserve better. I really believe that the right guy will just show up and do what he has to do to see you. And it's always been the guys that have done that for me that I've gotten in relationships with when a guy is showing up for me. And I'm like, I'm always caught off guard a little bit too, because there's a lot of guys that won't do that for me. Regardless, it doesn't matter how much money you have, how much success you have, how much fame you have.
Guys don't give a shit. It's either a connection is there or it's not. It doesn't matter if you're Beyonce. It's a connection. It's either there or it's not for him. So...
if you're doing everything you possibly can to act cool, just going with the flow, it doesn't matter what you do. He's only going to put in as much effort as he wants to. And that's based on if he feels the connection or not. So there's no point in trying to figure out a formula, trying to play it cool. There's no point because I just believe in connection. And I think it's
It goes for every guy because I've played it cool. I've done all these like little games to like try to get a guy to pay more attention to me and value me and like me. No, it doesn't work like that. You could be, you could have the most to offer in the world. And if a guy just doesn't feel that spark or connection, he's not making the effort. So just be yourself, focus on yourself, becoming the best version of you. Don't filter yourself for anyone. Don't play these stupid games back and forth. Just focus.
Love yourself, date yourself, date yourself instead. And eventually the right person will value you and appreciate you. And you won't have to try. You won't have to put in this crazy amount of effort to try to get someone to value you. You waiting on a text all day from a guy, I'm sorry, he's not that interested. If he's saying I'm busy, I'm busy, I'm busy. I have work. I have this, I have that. And he doesn't think
think about communicating with you for one, two, three days, you're not at the forefront of his mind because the right woman, like he's going to make sure he's in contact with you. That's also something I've learned. You know, it shouldn't be this crazy amount of effort. It shouldn't seem like this big deal to even communicate with you. It should just be normal. That should just be the bare minimum. And yeah,
You should not be waiting on people to communicate with you. That's just a basic necessity of human connection is to talk to someone, you know? So these are just some things that I've learned along the way. I know I went off on a little bit of a rant and a tangent, but I just thought today's episode would be kind of just me rambling a little bit and giving you...
all the knowledge and advice that I've picked up along the way in my dating experiences, my dating life. I hope that was helpful. I hope everyone is having an amazing day wherever you are in the world. I love you guys. And yeah, so thank you so much for listening to Date Yourself Instead. I'll be back with more episodes soon. Stay tuned and have an amazing rest of your day.