I was LOVE BOMBED - a dating story time
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Welcome to date yourself instead. Date yourself instead? What does it mean to date yourself instead? I'm just going to learn how to love myself and that's it. I strongly believe that you need to be completely alone before you are ready for your soulmate. Not single and entertaining a bunch of people at once. Not having random meaningless hookups and swiping on dating apps 24-7. Not texting your ex for no apparent reason when you're drunk.

I really believe taking time by yourself and with yourself to really get to know who you are on a deeper level is a crucial part of finding the one and finding your soulmate.

And some people might disagree with this, but I truly believe that you really need to know how to love yourself and respect yourself and value who you are and know what you believe in and what you stand for and also know your boundaries before you meet your soulmate.

And this obviously doesn't mean you can't have a good group of friends surrounding you and you can't have good people surrounding you and supporting you. It doesn't mean isolating yourself from the world completely. It just means to stop distracting yourself from getting to know who you really are and getting to really know how to love who you are. It just means putting yourself first and prioritizing your own needs and getting

to stop sacrificing all your valuable time and energy to people who don't deserve it. When I was single in 2019, I went through a very transformative process in my life, which I didn't expect to happen. I had just gotten out of a serious four-year relationship with someone I deeply cared for. And I was so used to having that person with me all the time. And prior to that, I was in an eight-year relationship on and off with

with someone I also deeply cared for. So I was in two very serious relationships back to back. And I never allowed myself the proper amount of time to recover from my first breakup. And then I jumped into the second relationship and then we broke up and

By the second relationships break up, I was lost and I had no idea who the fuck I was. But yet I continued to entertain more people after we broke up. I never allowed there to be a healing process. I never gave myself that room to grow and think about the relationship and heal from it in healthy, normal ways. So instead of healing properly and learning how to validate myself without anyone, I

I immediately downloaded Bumble. It's a great app if you want to meet a hookup. And some people have met and gotten married from Bumble. I have nothing wrong with this, but I have nothing wrong with dating apps in general, but

I downloaded Bumble and the first guy I met, he was super attractive. The first guy I swiped on, he was super hot. I thought he was super attractive and I instantly threw myself into another situation. And this means even texting someone because that is a distraction away from

I just got out of, right? So I was trying to distract myself and do everything I can to move on by jumping into another situation with someone. And during that time period, I remember it felt right. I felt like I was ready to date someone new.

But at the same time, I never took any time for myself to really just focus on what I deserved and to focus on what I really needed out of a relationship. And what ended up happening was I got myself in a sticky situationship

with someone who, although was very physically attractive, he really hurt me. And I spent the next seven months in an on and off, up and down rollercoaster situationship with someone that did not want true commitment, had no intentions of actually dating me for real.

And would string me along and make me believe that there was a potential relationship coming out of it, but there was nothing. And I believed every word he said. And it's not that he was a bad person, but he was just stringing me along and didn't want anything serious. And it cost me so much time and energy because I wasn't being respected and valued in the way that I was.

I needed to be. And the issue wasn't that he was treating me badly. The issue was more that I was allowing it. I was allowing him to come into my space, to take up all of my energy and time and allowed him to waste my time for months on end. And every time I would try to bring up a serious conversation, I was shut down. Anytime I brought up the idea of

connecting on a deeper level with him, I was shut down. And I realized that I was denying myself of true respect and happiness and love because maybe I was just in a place where I didn't value myself and I didn't think I deserved that. And I closed my heart off because I had just gotten out of a serious relationship. That being said, was it worth it? Was it worth that experience of being in a long-term situationship with someone and getting my heart crushed?

Yes and no. There are some things where I look back and I say, okay, it was a learning lesson. I grew from it and I learned not to make that same mistake again. But at the same time, do I wish I had done things differently? Do I wish I had protected my peace more and set firmer boundaries with myself? And do I wish I had given myself the proper time to heal from my breakup? Yes. I wish I had done some things differently. So that's why I'm creating this episode today because I

I wanted to dive into two topics. One, to really give yourself the proper time to heal from a painful situation in order to really know what you deserve for the future. And two, I wanted to talk about love bombing and how love bombing is very common and it's something that a lot of people deal with and have struggled with in past relationships. And I'm sure there's a ton of podcasts on this, but I'm

I wanted to personally share my experience and how love bombing is something that I've dealt with firsthand and I didn't realize it was happening while I was going through it. So let's dive right in. If you're constantly, desperately seeking to validate yourself through people, you

It just doesn't give you that proper amount of time to know how to validate yourself by yourself and to learn how to love yourself in a way that you really could. But instead, you're constantly just trying to get that energy from other people. And you're constantly trying to seek this external validation from other things and people when you have all of that love within yourself, but you're just not allowing yourself to access it. You're not consciously allowing yourself to access your self-love when you're

continuing to seek it outside of yourself. Because you have that potential and capability of loving yourself so deeply,

When you actually learn how to love yourself so deeply, you're not just going to allow anyone into your space. You're not just going to allow anyone to come into your life and hang out. Your space is precious. It's a golden area. And when you work on yourself and you really spend time alone, you start to realize who's good for you and who isn't. You start to realize what friends are worth your time and worth keeping around and what friends aren't because you

Once you work on yourself so much, you realize that people that are toxic and that are wrong for you and that aren't on the same page as you...

are so draining and they're not who you thought they were. It's like this fog has been lifted. Once you truly love yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away from things that aren't serving your growth, you'll realize that a lot of the people and situations and things you used to tolerate are no longer tolerable. It's actually insufferable to be around them. And

Anyone that dates you or wants to be in a relationship with you and wants to spend time with you, they should be adding to your life in a healthy and positive way.

It obviously should be a mutual exchange where you're providing things, they're providing things, and you come together and you can grow together in a healthy way. But if you're constantly being drained by someone who's just not on your level, who's not meeting you where you are, it's a sign to let them go. And often we only have that strength to let them go when we've put so much time focusing on ourself by ourself without anyone else around. And

There's been so many times in my life where I've spent weeks by myself reflecting, journaling, meditating, just doing things to give myself peace of mind. And as I spend that quality time alone, I realized that there are certain people and things that I was allowing into my energy and into my space that were draining the fuck out of me.

And I was like, why was I even allowing that person to talk to me that way? Or why was I allowing that guy to disrespect me in that way? And sometimes we get so caught up in friendships and relationships, and then we spend a year or two with someone, and we realize that we're just different after a year has passed or two years has passed.

our contract has expired. The energy exchange between us is just not the same anymore. And if you're leveling up and you're working on yourself, you'll realize that a lot of people that you allowed into your space are going to drop off the map. There's going to be a lot of people that you're not going to be able to bring with you into your new version of you and your new era. If you're stepping into your power and you're becoming a newer version of you,

More oftentimes than not, you're going to lose a lot of people along the way because you're changing, you're evolving, you're transforming, and you're not going to tolerate shitty behavior, toxic behavior. You're not going to tolerate...

People walking all over you, not valuing you, not seeing you for you. You're not going to allow any of those types of situations or people into your life anymore, which is a positive thing, but it could also be a little bit scary and weird because it's uncomfortable when change is happening. It's supposed to feel that way. It's supposed to feel very uncomfortable when you're in the midst of a huge transformation. Yeah.

Sometimes we just get so caught up in the instant gratification of being able to call a friend at any hour, being able to call or text someone and get that instant dopamine hit of a guy saying, let's grab drinks. I really want to see you. I really like you.

But the truth is, if you're not in a place where you truly, truly, truly love and value who you are, and you're not in a place where you've set firm boundaries with what you will and will not tolerate, it can be so easy to get sucked into another situationship. It can be so easy to get sucked into another situation where you're not really valuing yourself and you're not really allowing yourself to be respected or be treated the right way because you're constantly giving your energy to people who don't deserve it.

Something really crazy that I've learned throughout my dating experiences, especially living in Manhattan, is that it's easy for a man to be nice. It's easy for a man to be nice. It's easy for anyone to be nice. Some people aren't nice just by nature, by default, but it's easy to be nice. How hard is it to have a simple, kind conversation with a human being? It's really not that difficult.

And when a man treats us nice and he makes a little bit of an effort and he's texting us consistently and he tries to make a plan and he takes us to dinner and he's doing and saying all the right things, it can be so easy to just let all your walls come down, let all your boundaries drop and say, oh my God, he's the one. He's being so nice to me. He's the nicest guy I've ever met, blah, blah, blah.

When it's really just bare minimum shit, it's really just the bare minimum treatment that you're experiencing because you're nice, aren't you? If you're a nice person, how hard is it for you to be kind to someone and treat them with respect?

It's really not that difficult. And for some reason, when a guy treats us nice, we suddenly think that this person is our soulmate and he's the one and he's our future husband. When meanwhile, he could be treating 10 other girls nice at the same time. And I wanted to tell you an experience I've had with this because it kind of ties into this idea of love bombing. And

Getting caught up in this illusion that if a guy is nice, he's your soulmate. But in reality, that's the fucking bare minimum. That's what you deserve regardless of who it is. It doesn't matter if it's a guy or your grandma. You deserve to be treated nicely by anyone. So...

If a guy is being kind to you and making a plan with you, don't be jumping up and down, head over heels. Oh my God, this guy is the love of my life because he made a plan with me. That's what he should be doing and vice versa. It's really not that difficult to make a plan, to follow up with your plan. It's really not that difficult to

take a girl to dinner or take a guy. It goes both ways, obviously. I don't want to just pin this on men, but what I'm trying to say is don't settle for bare minimum shit and behavior and think that this guy is your soulmate right away. Obviously, give it time. Maybe he is an amazing person. Maybe he is the love of your life, but don't base it off of just the

initial dating process when you're getting to know him and he's taking you to dinner and texting you because that is what you deserve. And when you really spend time with yourself and you spend time alone and you start to work on who you are without a man telling you you're hot or beautiful and he wants to wine and dine you, you start to realize that that is bare minimum basic shit that anyone can provide for you. And

you need to stop settling. And I've gone through this experience where I was shocked by the bare minimum treatment at times because there were other guys who wouldn't even follow through to make a plan and they'd just ghost me and ditch me and treat me like garbage. So when someone with some sort of decency and normal human behavior came in, I thought it was this amazing grand gesture when in reality it was just how I was supposed to be treated at the bare minimum all along. Does that make sense?

So the point being, it's very easy to be nice and you should not be impressed by bare minimum efforts because that's what you deserve. And when you truly value who you are, you'll realize that and you'll understand that and you'll be like, oh, okay, this is normal. So I wanted to get into a story that kind of ties into this entire topic of discussion. And it's a story time...

where a guy that I had met on a work trip was super respectful and kind to me. And he was super interested in me and very invested. And he did and said all the right things. And he was almost too much to the point where I was kind of weirded out because he was telling me that he thought he was falling in love with me. And we had never even been on a date. We had met on a work trip and I ended up going back to New York. He lived in the UK. And I was like,

And he was texting me a lot and I was responding and I thought he was attractive. I thought we vibed. I liked his energy from the brief moment that I had spent with him when we were away. And I never went on a date with this guy. I never hung out with him one-on-one. It was very platonic until...

I went home and then he started really investing a lot of time into communicating with me. So he was texting me a lot. He started sending me voice notes all the time. He started calling me and I think we even started FaceTiming, but...

All I can say is that it was the most attention I've ever received from someone in years, even from my boyfriends. It was like excessive, excessive attention where it almost felt like he had no other purpose, which is fine because at the time I think it was refreshing to

to have a guy that was so invested in talking to me because I hadn't been really treated that way before. I had never had someone want to talk to me so much. And in a way it felt very validated and it felt really good. Looking back, I'm like, wow, that was fucking nuts because

He must have had so much free time on his hands, but he was always in contact with me and it was all green flags to me at the time. So we were texting for maybe a month or two. And then it got to the point where he was basically telling me that he wanted to be in a relationship. And I

I was just not really having it. I just felt like it was weird because we had never hung out in person before, one-on-one. I had met him in person, but we weren't at that level where I could really feel out the vibe. And obviously, there's so many factors in going to actually dating someone. So I was just kind of like, I don't know if that's really...

happening, but we'll see. And he ended up flying to the US and flying to New York on short notice. And we had been texting for a while, but I was still talking to other guys. I was kind of doing my own thing. I was in single mode. I wasn't really looking for a serious relationship, but he was just excessive. Like to the point where...

He was sending me gifts to my apartment and sending me letters. And I don't even know, I can't really, I would have to go back in my phone and like look at the actual conversations, but it was just, I remember just feeling so overwhelmed. But at the same time, I was so fascinated and curious because I was like, maybe this is how it's supposed to be. Maybe a guy that really likes you is really this supposed to be this obsessive with you. That was obviously not true, but yeah.

He ends up flying to New York and I didn't know what love bombing was at the time. Okay. I didn't know the definition of it. I didn't know what love bombing was at all because we didn't really have TikTok. And I feel like TikTok has...

And yes, I was familiar with the concept of being obsessive, but I didn't know that love bombing was an actual thing that men do to manipulate women into sleeping with them. And so I was like, well, I don't know.

And I just, I guess I was a little naive. I was a few years younger, so I just really didn't have an idea of what I was getting myself into. I'm just trying to lay out all the details so you understand what frame of mind I was in, where I was in my life. I just was naive. And I'm going to admit that and be super transparent about it. I really didn't know that a man was capable of doing what I'm about to tell you. So...

Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that is used in the early stages of dating someone. And someone will do this to you immediately.

and shower you with love and shower you with excessive attention and be basically obsessed with you and show you that they're like your one and only soulmate type of energy when you don't even know them. And it doesn't even make sense because you're like, consciously, we haven't even spent time together. Why are you so obsessed with me? That's what love bombing is. It's creating this false illusion of a strong attachment and a bond to someone that

When it's really just being used as a manipulative tactic to either sleep with you or get close to you or control you, there's different reasons why people do this. But usually it comes down to controlling the other person. So this guy was up my ass, like in love with me. And I was 100% sure that he was in love with me and wanted to marry me.

And maybe he did like me. Okay. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt because at the end of the day, he didn't destroy my life. This wasn't something that left a huge imprint on my life at all whatsoever, but it's just a crazy story. He flew to New York and

And he asked to see me and I was really not on the same page. I had just gone on a date a couple of nights before that. And we were in no means committed to each other, exclusive to each other. Keep in mind, this is the first time I'm really hanging out with him in person. And once I met up with him...

I made the mistake of sleeping with him. And I hate saying that out loud because I regretted it the second I did it. I deeply, deeply, deeply regretted it because after that, everything switched. The energy shifted immensely. It felt so uncomfortable and so weird. And there was just other things that happened in between that experience that I'm not going to share because it's way too personal.

But it was just mortifying. I felt so uncomfortable. I don't know how, like it was one of those situations where it happened and I don't even know how it happened. It was one of those situations where I didn't really want to do it, but I caved in and did it because I had this sense of guilt that he flew all the way to New York to see me. And I

I'm not confrontational. I didn't have clear boundaries. I obviously didn't respect myself enough at the time. And I was just in such a vulnerable place in my head and thinking about all the things he was telling me and texting me and calling me and just making such a grand effort to see me and hang out with me that I felt this sense of obligation to sleep with him. And I'm sure other women have experienced this, so that's why I'm sharing it, but it's really personal and it's

it feels a little bit humiliating because you're like, why the fuck did I do that with someone that isn't my boyfriend or isn't someone that I'm committed to and I love? At this point in my life, I'm only intimate with people I'm in love with. And I've made that rule for myself because I've gone through all the hookups. I've gone through all the shitty experiences being treated like garbage after sex. And it's just not fun. It's not something I want to relive ever again in my life. And

I have those strong boundaries now because I'm 30 years old. But at the time, I was younger. I was more naive. I was more vulnerable. And I got myself in a situation where I felt bad for no reason. There was no reason for me to feel bad. I could have kicked him out. I could have said no. I could have done all these things, but I didn't. And I beat myself up over it in my head for weeks later because after that, things just got really weird. I...

Never saw him again. I told him he had to leave because I was just so uncomfortable. And we never ended up speaking again. And I realized that in that moment, I told him politely that he needed to leave. And I was just super uncomfortable. I didn't feel like I had made the right decision by sleeping with him. And it just felt...

like such an intimate moment that I didn't necessarily want to share with him. And I made a mistake. It felt like I had made a huge mistake, which looking back, I think I had made a mistake. And that's why I'm also sharing this because if it could help anyone feel less alone, if they've been through this, that's great. So yeah,

I just told him he had to leave because I felt so exposed and embarrassed that I had slept with him and we weren't dating. There was no connection in person. It just felt weird. I didn't click with him the way I had expected to and I wasn't attracted to him. But yet I had been intimate with him and I felt shame. I just felt like...

I had to shower 3,000 times because I felt this weird sense of shame and guilt and I felt like

something was just off in my body and I was going to regret it indefinitely. And for a while I did, I felt super depressed and I felt super weird and I felt shut down and I didn't want to talk to anyone about it. And I never planned on speaking about it publicly ever. Like I just wanted to forget that it ever happened. And it's,

He never reached out really again. He never spoke to me again after that. I think he might have texted me a couple times apologizing for making me feel uncomfortable. However, that was the end of that. It was one of those situations where I knew I had been aggressively love bombed because if all of those things he had said were super genuine and honest and real, I don't think he would have

just backed off right away and never spoke to me again. It was like once he went home and he left, that was the end of that. It was over. It was done. It was cut off. And looking back at our messages and everything that we had exchanged in communication, I had been completely love bombed because there was no communication after that. We had sex and that was it. It was a done deal.

Even though I didn't want to have sex with him ever again because I was grossed out and I just wanted to forget it ever happened, he made no real gesture or indication that he really cared anymore. I think he might have been a little bit upset because I think he knew that I didn't enjoy it, but there was no communication after. There was no indication that he...

He really wanted to make something happen with us. He just kind of disappeared and fell off the map and I unfollowed him and that was it. And we lost touch. And that was the end of that. There was no further communication. And in that moment, I realized that I had been love bombed.

really, really hard. Like this man was nonstop calling, texting, telling me how he wanted to be with me, all these crazy things that turned into absolutely nothing. It was like a flash in the pan situation where once we had sex, it was done. It was completely over. The

I could see that there was no future with him anyway. It wasn't like I met him and I fell in love with him on the spot and I thought we were going to be together and he led me on to believe that.

And I was devastated. I really didn't want to ever see him again. But it was the fact that I had gotten caught up in this illusion and this fantasy that maybe it was something for so long. We had spoken for two months. And in those two months, I was in this fantasy bubble in my head that he was amazing and he was a great guy because he was up my ass obsessed with me. But the truth is...

Those were just words. Those were just empty words and promises. And once we got physical, it felt like all of that had died. It felt like it was gone and it was pointless and meaningless and everything felt dirty. And I felt so much shame around it. And being love bombed

When someone's telling you that you're the one and you're beautiful and perfect and you're so different from every other woman and you're like God pretty much and you're getting fed all these amazing words and compliments on a golden platter 24-7 and then it gets stripped away and it dissipates overnight pretty much, you feel...

ridiculous. You feel stupid. You feel embarrassed and humiliated and like something shifted that was your fault. When in reality, it wasn't your fault at all to begin with. People who do this often have, to be completely honest, mental issues. I don't want to say that in the wrong way, but people who often do this have something severely wrong with their head. I don't understand it. I

understand the concept of wasting so much time and energy to manipulate someone to control them just to pull the rug out from under them and never speak to them again. I don't really understand it and I don't know why people engage in this behavior, but it happens so often and it's crazy to me.

I had a friend who was talking to a guy on a dating app and he was doing the same things to her, obsessed with her, calling her, FaceTiming her, up her ass. She was convinced that they were getting married and he would say and do all the right things to her, was treating her right, was just making her feel so special. At the end of the day, she felt good. She felt special with him. And then she...

flew to him. And I think that was the first mistake because I truly believe that if a man wants to see you, the first interaction you have, especially if it's on a dating app, he should be the one flying to you a hundred percent, but whatever. Okay. So she made that decision to fly to him and

After they had been intimate, he completely shifted energies, stopped talking to her, was being flaky with her, was being super weird with her and treated her like total garbage. And she felt so out of place and so dumb and so embarrassed for entertaining it for so long because she realized that he was not the person that he had proclaimed to be for the last few months when they were talking and communicating. And she had wasted so much valuable time

with someone who is just straight up love bombing her. Another situation, my best, best friend who I've known since preschool, she met a guy on a dating app. He was also from the UK, which is really interesting. I don't know what's going on with these UK guys, but he was from the UK and she was talking to him for a few weeks. And she even told me about him and said he was perfect. He

like so excited to talk to her every day and they were having these amazing deep conversations, whatever. I don't really know the specifics of what they talked about, but I remember she was telling me that he was great and that they were planning on meeting up at some point. And

He just kept putting off plans and being weird and flaky. After they officially agreed to meet, he started acting weird and distant and being honestly fucking crazy. She sent me the screenshot of the text messages that he was sending her. He sounded like he was on something. He was definitely on some sort of drug because he was being out of his mind weird and blew her off and ditched her after weeks of saying that he wanted to see her and was treating her right.

You get the point. He flipped a switch in an instant. And then I think he just like moved out of the country and they never ended up meeting up. Now she has a boyfriend. She probably could care less. But it was just one of those things where I'm like, why would a man spend a month of his time...

buttering you up, making you feel like the most special person in the world, devoting his time and energy to you, and then ripping it out from under you at the last second. How much fucking time do you have on your hands? Do you have a job? Do you have work? How are you doing this? How do you have the energy and the time to be stringing a woman along like that? It doesn't even make any sense in my head.

And I have a theory that any man who has the time to love bomb you 24 seven has no goals or aspirations for his life that he has to attend to. So on top of just being a total dick, he probably had a lot of free quality time on his hands to mess with her because he was texting and calling her all fucking day. I'm like, do you not have work? Like what is going on? How are you devoting so much time to fucking with someone's head?

And that was just another example that I could think of. But this happens to people all the time. And if you don't

value yourself tying this back into the first part of the episode if you don't know how to set boundaries and love yourself 1000 you're gonna tolerate shitty things like this and you're going to allow things like this into your life unintentionally sometimes it just kind of happens because you don't have a clear sense of boundaries in your life and the second I feel something slightly off with anyone that I choose to talk to or entertain from this point forward in my life I'm like you know what

it's a deal breaker. If something feels off, if something just gives me a gut feeling that you're not being truthful, you're not being genuine, and you're just trying to kiss my ass so you could sleep with me, it's just not going to work because I see right through the bullshit. There was another situation with a friend of my mom's that happened at this age. She's

in her 60s. And it still happens with men who are in their 60s. And that's a wild thought and concept to wrap your head around because you'd think by the time you're 60, you'd stop playing games, but it happens at any age. And that's why I'm bringing this up for people who are closer to that age, who listened to the podcast. My mom's friend was dating a guy who was obsessed with her, met him on a dating app. They hit it off. They went to dinner like five nights in a row.

And the one thing she did mention to me was that he had just gotten divorced recently. And that was an instant red flag to me. I was like, I don't know if you should trust this guy right off the bat, because if he just got out of a divorce and it's fresh, I don't think it's a good idea to rush into anything. And she agreed. And that's why she kind of kept her guard up a little bit. And thank God she did, because within a few weeks, he ghosted her. He ditched her. He said, I don't want to do this anymore. And

He was quick to run. And prior to that, he was texting, calling her nonstop saying, you know, you're amazing. I love you. Like all this crazy shit where she was honestly like, this is too good to be true because she's much older and you know,

When you're that age and you're dating, you really don't have time for bullshit. You really don't have time for games. You don't want to deal with someone who's going to love bomb you. Yet it happens. And she went through it and she was really hurt. And it just showed me that

This could happen at any time, at any given period of your life. If you do not do the inner work to set clear boundaries and value and know who you are, it could happen to anyone at any age at any time. So it's just a learning lesson to really protect your peace, to know who you are and what you're going to tolerate and to trust your intuition and trust your gut because you're

If someone hasn't seen your worst sides yet and it's only been a couple weeks and they're telling you that you're the love of their life, proceed with caution. It doesn't mean that this isn't someone great because it could turn into something serious for sure. And this has happened to me too. But if someone really doesn't know anything about you and they're obsessive, it's a red flag. If they're obsessed with who you are and they don't know you personally and they haven't seen all sides of you,

Just proceed with caution. That's my best advice. And with that being said, I think that concludes today's episode. Thank you as always for listening to the podcast. If you haven't already, be sure to follow me on Instagram at Liss, L-Y-S-S, and on the podcast account at Date Yourself Instead. I'd love to hear from you. You could always send me a DM, give me your feedback, show me some love on my socials. I love connecting with you all.

And also be sure to rate the podcast on Apple and Spotify. It takes two seconds and I would really appreciate it. I love you. Thank you so much for listening and stay tuned for next Monday.