To Bra or Not-to-Bra, LA Living, and a Hall Pass 💌 October Magic Mailbag
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Hi, everybody. Welcome to our monthly mailbag episode here on Sleep Magic, where I do my best to answer any questions you've sent in. And we've gotten quite a few really interesting questions this month. Thank you for sending them in. I'm looking forward to diving in and seeing what light I may shed on these issues. But

Before we begin, I want to be clear, I am not an expert on any of these topics. I am a hypnotherapist, so that's something that I do understand a little. But if you need professional help with anything you're going through right now, I strongly encourage you to seek it out. This is more like a fun episode, not meant to be taken as hard or serious advice.

Also, if you fall asleep during this episode because you're used to the sound of my voice, that's fine. Fall asleep. You might want to listen to it later when you're taking a hike or doing yoga or something. But if you are prone to falling asleep to my voice, please do not listen to this in the car or when you're operating heavy machinery, as we all do every once in a while. Finally, this episode may not be appropriate for children. Okay, let's get started.

Before we get started, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors who make this free content possible. Ryan Reynolds here from Intmobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down.

So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium Wireless. How about you get 30, 30, how about you get 30, how about you get 20, 20, 20, how about you get 20, 20, how about you get 15, 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a month? Sold! Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes each detail. Our first question is from Liz.

I'm Liz, a 45-year-old woman recently divorced and ready to enjoy life more. I want to travel. I think I'm going to plan my first solo trip next year, currently in the U.S. and wanting to go somewhere new. It seems you've traveled everywhere. Go you. Where do I go? I love food, dancing, and nature. Wow.

Well, first of all, Liz, I want to congratulate you on your newfound freedom, your adventurous spirit. I think travel is one of the best ways to learn about history, other cultures, while simultaneously learning about ourselves.

Travel helps me to grow and kind of crack open my own limitations, which can be a lot when I'm in a really different place. It's like doing deep spiritual work, but all you've really done is changed your locale. So go travel. Also, I just like to say that there is no place on this planet, if someone were to hand me a ticket to fly there, that I wouldn't want to go.

Even if it wasn't on the top of the tour guide list or wasn't particularly beautiful, I just think the fact that we live on this planet in space is enough to make me curious about every part of it. What a weird thing that we all live here. And we do it so differently. A while ago, I'm pretty sure it was in 2010, I had the great luck of going to South Africa.

which was fascinating, dynamic, and very beautiful. Japan, a whole different kind of beauty, rigorously organized, amazing food. We all originated from, you know, early Homo sapiens, and we ended up creating these entirely different ways of being in the world. Different looks, different energies, different customs, different intensities, different food.

So yeah, I think every place is interesting, but you have asked a more specific question than that. So from the places I have been, when it comes to food, I would recommend Italy. Come on, Italian food. Are you kidding me? And so fresh, fresh, fresh, fresh. The Italians understand food. It's freshness nature that is really the amazing thing about food.

India. I wasn't into Indian food until I went to India. And I was kind of forced by this family I was living with to eat spicy food. But I got it. I finally got it. My spice tolerance went from a very redheaded Canadian zero to like a three. And the food was great. It was great. Not just the food itself, but how it was handled, how it was served. It was amazing.

Japan. I went to Japan for two weeks and there was not one meal, even when it was at an airport restaurant, that wasn't memorable. It's like the Japanese don't do crappy. They don't do mediocre or half-baked or so-so. They just don't. It's part of their ethos as a country, basically, in terms of what they serve.

So Japan was amazing. French food is fantastic. I love Middle Eastern food. Yeah, never been to China, but I'm sure the food there is amazing and interesting. You mentioned dancing. I love to dance, but I've never done like a dance vacation. But from people I know, Argentina is a great place to go. India has its own dance culture. Brazil. I mean...

Spain, I'm sure, is an amazing place for watching and participating in dance. I'm sure I'm limiting things here from my own inexperience. So don't stop with what I've said. And in terms of nature, I mean, I don't think you can go wrong anywhere, but it does depend on what you are into. I love a good mountain. I think I just said mountain, which is a pet peeve of mine. I love a good mountain.

Not necessarily climbing it, but looking at it. So the west coast of Canada, gorgeous. Alaska, amazing. I've never been to the Alps, but I mean, they're the Alps. The Andes in South America, all beautiful mountainous regions. I'm sure I'm missing some that I just don't know about.

If you're into green, the green of England. England is this crazy little island with so much, and it's so green. And France, too, has that same kind of green as does Germany and I'm sure parts of Eastern Europe. I've been to several countries.

in Africa, some of them when I was very young. So maybe a safari in Kenya or seeing the gorillas in Rwanda. There are game parks in South Africa that are amazing. And, you know, the ocean, the Caribbean, other parts of the planet with the ocean. I could go on and on and on here. And I know that's not really everyone's cup of tea. But finally, Liz, on your great adventure, understand that I have

crossed this country, the United States, a few times in my car. And I've even been around it for a four-month trip when I was 28 and I went to 37 states. And the United States is really worth exploring too. So if you're limited financially or you just aren't ready to make a big, big trip, consider exploring your own backyard. It's a beautiful backyard. I hope that helped.

Have a great trip, Liz, and let us know how it goes. Next, from Anonymous. I have an opportunity to use my hall pass. Do I do it? When we got married, my wife and I both picked a hall pass. Someone we could, quote, be with, unquote, with no consequence.

Now, the letter here says he, but I believe it's a typo and it should say she. She picked the woman who plays Khaleesi, and I picked a writer I've always loved. They aren't super famous, and I work in publishing, so just happens I'll be going to a talk of theirs soon. I reached out on Instagram and told them how much I love their work. Seems I'm in with a chance. They are, quote, looking forward to seeing me, unquote.

I've never heard of anyone using a hall pass, but am I the jerk for going ahead with it? I wouldn't tell my partner as I don't think they'd want to know. Am I being crazy or is it okay to do? Great question, Anonymous. Great question. So let me just explain for anyone who's listening and for whom the term hall pass is not a cultural idiom.

It is a way of saying in a monogamous couple, when you decide that each one of you has some fantasy person, generally a celebrity in the world, that you give one another permission to be intimate with. So first, this may not be an actual hall pass, you know? I mean, most Instagram DMs don't end up in bed. At least mine don't. So first,

Maybe this will all stay within the realm of fantasy. We shall see. But let's imagine you have the opportunity to actually use this hall pass. And let's consider what you'd actually be doing. It's funny, you know, we treat sex in our culture pretty casually these days. Like it's a simple, pleasurable, and simply physical act. And it is all of those things. Or can be.

Sex is healthy, fun, and keeps the human race in business. But sex also runs deeper than that. Our bodies are connected to our psyches, our subconscious minds. You could even say our souls, or what I call our inner beings. And when we're intimate with someone, we get touched in invisible ways. So that's something to think about before you use your hall pass.

The parts of ourselves that sex can touch are deep and can include deep wounds and unconscious material, powerful stuff. And it's generally parts of ourselves that we have little or no control over. So there's a certain vulnerability you're entering into. Are you ready to let a stranger have access to those parts of you? Okay, let's say you are.

or that you don't have complicated or wounded experiences deep inside. Great, that's a vote for using the hall pass. But, and I don't mean to rain on your parade here, Anonymous, there are a couple more things to think about. By using this hall pass, you will have opened a door on your relationship, like an exit door, or a door that is messing with your connection with your partner, like an exit to monogamy.

Might you be tempted to swing that door open again with someone else? That's always something to consider. I mean, sugar isn't good for me, and I know it, but when I eat it and it's in my bloodstream, I just want more. So maybe introducing this hall pass to your monogamous situation is setting up some future temptation. I don't know. That's something to consider. Finally,

you'd have a secret. Now, that's an interesting phenomenon. We need to think about whether having a secret would do damage to your relationship. I mean, what's your agreement with one another about honesty? Would that violate it? Would you feel guilty? Now, I don't think, I think secrets are a big deal in terms not just of our relationships, but of our own integrity.

And I'm not suggesting that we should never have secrets or that we should tell everyone everything. But let's just talk for a moment about integrity. You know, normally it's a concept about, you know, this person has integrity. They are seen by the community as honest and comporting themselves in a certain way. And that's good. There's the sort of outer experience or observation of integrity.

But there's also integrity as we experience it in ourselves. And the word integrity comes from integra or integration, which means wholeness. When something is integrated, it's whole. So we all have this wholeness inside of us. And many of us never actually touch upon it. But when you clear away the wreckage of, you know,

lousy belief systems and trauma and just junk negativity that you may have picked up in your childhood if you did, and you really allow this wholeness, this self, this inner being, expand and be free, it's an amazing thing. And it's this sort of place within us where the life force can flow really powerfully and strongly and creatively. And like I said, I call it the inner being.

Now, when we're in conflict with ourselves or we tell a lie to a loved one, that inner being sort of fractures. Like there's a part of us that we now need to hide and push down. And when we're spending energy holding back a part of ourselves, the life force gets stifled and consumed with that project. So that conflict or lie can become a chronic internal stressor.

which can really drive us away from our true selves and others. Back in the day, they used the whole idea of a clear conscience. A clear conscience is the inner being, whole, unimpeded, allowed to steer you and move you and celebrate through you. And once you've had a taste of your inner being being integrated, you don't want to screw it up. So that to me is integrity.

So withholding this information from your partner may run the greatest risk of all. And that's a risk to you and therefore your relationship. Finally, finally, I would ask yourself how you would feel if your partner slept with the woman who plays Khaleesi. And you might want to look through this whole situation through that lens. And what I really wish for you, Anonymous, is that you meet your celebrity, exchange a flirty little glance,

And that's it. Some fantasies should probably remain fantasies. Keep us posted. All right, next. So there's no name on this question, so it's another anonymous. You said in your Topanga Canyon episode, my favorite, that you live in LA. As someone from the UK who's never been to LA and imagines there's celebrities everywhere, what's it like? Have you met any celebrities? I love this question.

Because having never been to LA before I came, I too imagine it as just overflowing a sea of celebrities. And yes, I have met a handful of celebrities. One of the reasons I moved here was A, to explore my own acting dreams and creative visions, but also B, to normalize that fairy dust that I had about celebrities and the entertainment industry. So

Whereas when I first moved to LA, it was a very big deal to see somebody. Like I remember seeing Sacha Baron Cohen outside a restaurant or Mindy Kaling eating dinner. Now it just happens. Stuff like that happens. And it's kind of what I call an LA moment. You know, it's like, oh, LA moment. Just saw, you know, someone from The Walking Dead buying noodles.

Although I did see Timothee Chalamet at the airport the other day. That was a good one and totally unexpected. Just like waiting for his Uber. Yeah. So LA is an interesting place because it centers itself around the entertainment industry. You do have all sorts of people working all the time to create stuff, many of whom are actors. And they're kind of everywhere in LA.

restaurants, gas stations, etc. But because Los Angeles is so spread out, it's an enormous, enormous city and county, you know, you're in your car a lot of the time, and that's not good for celebrity sighting. So you see them in some weird places like at the gas station, at the grocery store. I remember the first person I ever saw here was Jeffrey Tambor from

What was it called? Oh, Transparent. From Transparent and Arrested Development. He was just in the line at Whole Foods. So it is one of those things that comes with the territory. I got to say, I was really relieved when I also came to LA and realized there were just normal people walking around too. Way more normal people than celebrities. And yeah, it's just become part of what it is to live here.

Come visit. Come visit, and I'll set you up with some celebrity sightings. Thank you for that question. Next, from Karen. Hey Jess, thank you for all you do. Your show has made my sleep so much better, and I actually look forward to sleep now. Great, I'm so glad, Karen. Thank you for letting us know. I follow you on Instagram, and I love it when your cat pops up. What's your cat story?

I have four, and they're the best things in my life. People joke about cat ladies, but honestly, more people should have cats. LOL. Love you, Karen.

Thank you, Karen, from one cat lady to another. My family has always had cats since I was a little girl. Although we did start with a dog, it became really clear that it didn't make sense for my single mom with two kids to also be walking and training a dog. So that dog was adopted by another family and we moved on to cats. They just made more sense for how we lived.

My current cats are domestic shorthairs, tuxedos, which means mostly black with white markings, and rescues. They are also siblings.

I got them because I do stand-up comedy, and a fellow comic friend of mine, Sally Mullins, shout out to Sally, is a bit of a rescue cat distributor. And we were out to dinner one night, and I mentioned that my previous cat had passed away a few years before. And by that time the following day, Sally had hooked me up with my two cats, Ziggy and Cher.

Ziggy because he has a white lightning bolt on his face like David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust. And Cher because her shiny black coat reminds me of Cher's hair in the 70s. And if you are too young to know what I'm talking about, go to YouTube right now and look up the Sonny and Cher show and look at Cher's mane. Oh my God. And I have to do my Cher impression now.

Do you believe in life after love? I know it's not great, but it's not that bad. So yeah, cats.

I love that they're cuddlers. I love that they clean themselves, that they poop in a box, and then they make this nice sound when they're happy and you don't have to walk them. They're really super easy. I also don't mind that they're not trainable and they don't pay much attention like a dog does. They pay a different kind of attention and I sort of respect that.

I have great admiration for my cats and the idea that they could just pluck birds right out of the air. They would last much longer than me in the woods. Although my cats are not outdoor cats. They just think that outside the windows is a big movie. So yeah, Ziggy and Cher, thank you for asking. Enjoy your cats, Karen. Okay, next question from Shelly. Hey Jessica, your Q&A episodes are my new favorite thing. Thank you, Shelly.

Here's my dilemma. My dad always makes me cover up when my wider family are around. We go on a lot of family holidays and he doesn't approve of me being in a bikini or braless. Hello? It's like a hundred degrees. Am I wrong to insist on dressing how I want? Is he being sexist? My brother has his top off all the time. Too much. Even at dinner. What do you think about modesty like that?

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