C03 - Ep. 02 - Mission Through Middrus - Passing Out
01:25:01 Share

Bada, bada boom, sold. Huh? Just sold my car on Carvana. Dropping it off and getting paid today. Already? What, you still haven't sold yours? You told me about it months ago. I just... Is the offer good? Oh, the offer's great. Don't have another car yet? I could trade it in for this car I love. Come on, what are we waiting for? Ah, you're right. Let's go.

Whether you're looking to sell your car right now or just whenever feels right, go to Carvana.com and sell your car the convenient way. Terms and conditions apply. Ryan Reynolds here from Intmobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down.

So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium Wireless. How did you get 30, 30, how did you get 30, how did you get 20, 20, 20, how did you get 20, 20, how did you get 15, 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a month? Sold! Give it a try at mintmobile.com slash switch. $45 upfront payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabytes each detail. ♪

Compliments to all you clawfish. Slither on into the stinky dragon and take a taste of our latest tea, Reinvent the Eel. It's a mixture of poisoned potable water, lightning-touch tea leaves, hissing honey, and topped with a grappled apple. One round of this reptilian refreshment is enough to put the cute back in electrocute.

Previously, our adventurers were booted into the deep end of basic training and called to protect their privates after a deadly duel with some deceptive devils and an inferno-imposter, the party managed to procure private parts. Baptized by fire, B-Team became known as Brutality-M. But can they live up to their name? Or will it spell disaster?

Cobble a cup of tea, and let's continue this Kakadris Chronicle. Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavus Rola, Dungeon Master of our Putrid Party. I'm going to hit our four players with an arrow. We're doing it. We're doing it.

Pew, pew. Pew, pew. That's all for you. What is one lesson learned during basic training, aka boot camp, and how did it change you? And of course, you know, we're starting a new campaign here. Just a refresher for people who may not have heard our previous campaign. This is a chance for the players to introduce themselves and their character and give us a little bit of insight into them. I'll start.

Hello, everyone. I am Barbara Dunkelman and I play Doug Boone, the bugbear artificer. Hi, Doug. Hello, Gustavo. Nice to see you again, friend. Pleasure seeing you. How have you been? Oh, you know, pretty good. Pretty good. It's been a while. Yeah. You know, whole two weeks, I guess, since we've seen each other. Yeah, I'm glad to see you again. Me too. And, you know, Gustavo, thank you for the question. You know, I've learned a lot, I think, in basic training. Yeah.

I think the main thing I learned is nothing could be done alone. You really got to, you really got to have a good team behind you. And this definitely has changed Doug because Doug, you know, has spent a lot of his life alone and thought that, you know, maybe he could handle, handle himself for the most part, but he's really learning a lot about the importance of a team. That's good. It's good. It's growing. What about bathroom time? Well, bathroom time, you know, Doug typically was someone who wants the bathroom with the door open. Oh,

No one else was around. And now, you know, he's still he's still used to having it open. So maybe he'll just quack it a little bit. It might lead to some awkward encounters in the bunk. Yeah.

Yeah. Doug gets lonely. Doug, you know, Doug is a loner, but he's not shy, surprisingly. Very comfortable in his body. Is Doug the kind of guy who reaches a hand under the stall for like some hand-holding through tough times? No, Doug's hand's a little too big usually to fit under the stall, unfortunately. My gosh. Are bugbears covered in hair? Yeah. I got to reimagine what bugbears look like. A little veily haily. Yeah.

Very heavy. Very heavy. I'll go next. Yeah. Sorry, I'm also, it's been three weeks, so I'm trying to summon the voice. It's Ben. It's Ben. Yoo-hoo! It is me, Tolv! Oh, God, I do not know if I sound the same. You think you sound the same? Oh, I hope so. I just haven't talked in so very long.

the big thing I learned from basic training is, uh, sleeping in the presence of other strangers. It's very weird. Uh, you know, I'm normally with my family on our boat and in my crew and so familiar and comfortable. And now I'm with a bunch of strangers. So I've learned things like, uh, snoring and, um, fidgeting, um,

and trying to sneak to the bathroom. Who's the worst snorer, Tolst? Like, who's the one who keeps you up at night with their snoring? Oh, you know it's Doug, but also that Gunther. Oh, he does weird little ribbits throughout the night. It's quite cute. Yes, I have a hard time sleeping. Can you tell? It's weird because Natty actually talked in her sleep. Uh...

Does Natty as a drow, do they have like a trance or something? Ooh.

Ooh, that'd be cool. Oh, that's a good question. I imagine they do do the same kind of sleeping trance. I don't know. Yeah, so anyways, Natty just kind of stares at me in the night. And I stare back and we have staring contests. So fun. Also, who are you and what's the character you're playing? Oh my God. My name is Tolv. I did say it is me, Tolv. That's my catchphrase. Who are you? Your actual name. I'm locked in character. This is it now.

playing Gibson, playing a, yeah, playing Gibson, playing a toll of a male orc barbarian three. Yeah.

I'm just keeping up the tradition. You sound like you're auditioning for a part in like a TV show. Yeah. Blaine reading for male orc barbarian tree. Willing to shave. I do want to confirm that drow do also trance similar to elves. Yeah, they're pretty similar to elves. Yeah. That's cool. Because they are like an offshoot of elves. I'm Chris Damaris.

And I play Gunther, the male croak folk, which is a custom species of frog humanoids. What's your class? Oh, fighter. Oh, fighter. Fighter level three. What I learned in basic boot camp, it was glue. Glue? Glue. I'd never heard of glue before. The concept of glue? Glue. It was so fun. I love glue. You can glue things with it.

And there was just a word in of itself. And with the glue, you can stick things, but you have to be careful because you can stick yourself. Ganto also learned not to eat the glue. Do not eat the glue. A very hard lesson he learned. Difficult lesson, hard day, yes. It looks like it would be good, but it is not.

It changed me. This is a story from a long time ago, but me and a friend of ours, Bernie Burns, were on a show with Good Mythical Morning called Red vs. Glue, where we had to unveil these two, like, basically what's the thing with like the silver? A cloche? Cloche. That's the word. Oh. The cloche. You guys are fooling me. That's not a real word. It's like that silver kind of like dome. It's called a cloche.

And one team looks under and there's pastries. And pastries on one side have glue on them and the other one doesn't. And you have to try to convince the other team that yours doesn't have glue or does. And like if they want to trade with you or not. And there was a few times I had to eat pastries with glue on it. Yeah.

Was it obvious that it was glue or did it look like frosting? It was supposed to look like frosting, but it's very obvious that it was glue. Gotcha. Wow. Sorry, side tangent, but I've eaten glue. Hi, I'm John Reisinger and I play Natty Wonder, who is a drow warlock. Spooky. Yeah.

I think I should find that offensive. Warlocks are like, it's kind of like the dark arts. Like, yeah. It's all about how you use them arts. Okay. What was the, what was the question exactly again? What is one lesson you learned during basic training, AKA bootcamp? And how did it change you? Oh, yeah.

Well, when I was in boot camp, I did meet this one nice dwarven gal. Her name was like Jennifer or Jonifer. I couldn't understand her very well, but I do remember that she had...

a big smile on her face. She looked happier than a dead pig in the sunshine. And she told me, if you're in a pinch, this is very important while we were out, you know, in our bunks or didn't have all of our supplies and materials, and you use a matchstick, it can be used for eyeliner. And then pokeweed berries can be used for lipstick. But you got

to remember you're going to want to wet the matchstick or you're just going to scratch your eyes out. This was so helpful because I'd rather have people say that I look overdone when I'm out and about rather than people say, did you see Nattie? She looked like, she looked like hell. So this was very helpful for me.

Barbara's learning a lot about makeup tips. Doug, not so much. Doug is sitting there going, I could probably make you something way better than that. That won't accidentally scratch your eyes out. If you use it. I'd love it. If you came up with some makeup for me, I just realized something. Obviously, obviously the main goal of campaign three is to get John in full Natty Wander drag by like at some live event.

I want to see that happen. Don't threat me with a good time. Oh my God, that'd be so cool. Did Natty have any preconceived notions about what boot camp was? And was she disappointed with what boot camp ended up being? Yeah, was the name throwing her off? Yeah, I thought it was a place to get some boots. I still don't know why they call it boot camp because we did so much more than just like learn about boots at the camp.

But I've always gone into everything with a positive outlook. And if you do that, you usually get a positive outcome. So I've had a great time in boot camp. You know what they say, a positive and a positive make a positive, right, Natty? Yeah, that's science. Yeah, that's just science.

Well, actually, technically it's math. Math is like the basis for science, isn't it? Like, isn't science just fancy math? I guess you want to say that, but they technically are two different subjects. Okay, I got you. I understand. But they do go hand in hand, so I see the reference. I defer to Doug. Doug seems like he knows what he's talking about. Yeah. It's working.

And with that, there's a loud "KATUNK" you hear, and then a "BOOSH" and the sweltering heat and smoke subsides. The craggy cavern melts away and all the lava vanishes into thin air. What's left is a barren warehouse made of iron.

Instead of Undarians, you see four young humans in blue military uniforms dusting themselves off, as well as the stout halfling Private Parts, who has sweat so much that his uniform is significantly darker blue than everyone else's. He's hugging us. The bog gnome Drill Sergeant steps forward to address you all. Well, I can honestly say in the 30 years I've been training recruits, I've never seen a team quite like yours.

Not saying that's a good thing, you have a lot, and I mean a lot of rough spots to iron out, but I might see a minuscule possibility of slight potential in you four.

One of the young humans steps forward with a furrowed brow that quickly changes to a cheerful smile. His green eyes furtively scan you for... I don't know, Drill Sergeant Steeleye. They seemed all over the place to me. Rookie moves all the way through. And talk about rusty and/or non-existent armaments. I don't think the Mortallian material- Did I ask you for your opinion, Private Lassig? Well, no, but- I think you mean "no, sir!" Or did you recently get promoted to lieutenant?

Private Lastic straightens up at attention. No, sir. Then get back in formation with A-Team until I say otherwise. Lastic salutes the sergeant and marches back to the other privates, but his eyes stare daggers at you four. The other three humans chuckle at themselves and one says, Classic Lastic. Am I right? Shut it, mess.

What were you even doing out there? What are you talking about? It was brutal out there. A-Team continues to bicker amongst themselves. Sergeant Steel Eye rolls his eyes. Brutal. Anyway, as I was saying, I might be able to mold you four into something actually useful on the battlefield, but first I'm gonna break you down into tiny pocket-sized pieces and...

and then I'll grind you into a pathetic powder and then I'll smash you to smithereens till there's no semblance of you left. But if you-- Shut up, you! If you survive all that, maybe, just maybe, you'll actually be soldiers. Welcome to Mortallion Bootcamp, B-Team. Or should I say Brutality-Team?

I don't understand why a sergeant would want to punish people who are fighting on their behalf. Yeah. You guys ever think about this? It's tough love. This is kink. Why are they like making a small little powder smash down parts? That seems very...

waste of energy. I do not know. It's like how you recycle things, you know? Yeah, it's true. It's also very trendy nowadays, like deconstructed dishes. You take something like a fancy dish and you like, this is deconstructed pizza. It's a dollop of ketchup and slice of pepperoni. Yeah, but you would think that like, you know, if you want the strongest team representing your side of the army, they would be like,

like the strongest and not hurt or sore or, you know, they want to be ready for battle and not, you know, in pain. No pain, no gain, right? I mean, that's the old saying that Sergeant Steel Eye invented all those years ago when he first started doing boot camp here at Fort Endridge.

So we fast forward a little bit here. It has now been three months since you all started boot camp at Fort Endridge. Whoa. Yeah, it's a little time skip. How did that go? So I'll take that's a long rest. Yeah, it's a long rest. Gunther, you're no longer dead. Actually, you were no longer dead at the end of the last episode anyway. You all are resting in your barracks. It's one of several cabin-like barracks with bunk beds. You have two stacked beds on either side of the room.

Which side of the room do you all want to be on? For no particular reason, the left. You know, it just feels good. So we'll call that the west side of the room? Yeah. Okay, yeah. We'll just say you all are on the west side of the room. Oh, I didn't realize I was picking for the team. I thought it was just my bunk. Team, put it to a vote. I'm so sorry. No, it's canon. Fine. Okay. Someone said the name of the movie. Oh, that's the name. Good.

Could Gunther sleep under the bed? Yeah, sure. Absolutely. So you get Gunther calls bottom, bottom bunk. Also known as the floor. Just to be clear. So you all are on the west side of the room in your two bunk beds and on the east side of the room are another two bunk beds, which, of course, you all know is a team's bunks having been here for a couple of months now.

So is Private Lassick, sorry. Yeah. He's on A-Team, like he's a member of A-Team? Correct. Okay. With mess and parts. The members of A-Team are A-OK Okrae, Classic Lassick, Drano Candranos,

And Mestra. Kandranos? Yeah, K-A-N-D-R-A-N-O-S. He's good for clearing out clogged drains. So I think Doug would obviously take one of the bottom bunks because you don't want him on top. That's just an accident waiting to happen.

Would it be the bottom bunk on top of Gunther or the other bottom bunk just to make sure you don't have the accident with bottom, bottom bunk? Yeah, probably on top of Gunther. Okay. Just three levels. Slime, slime, slime. That probably works out because Gunther's used to like warm climates and the heat of Doug. I also feel like if Doug fell on Gunther...

it probably wouldn't hurt him like i don't i don't imagine gunther is being like almost like rubber like you know i like to burrow

What bunks do Tolv and Natty take? I have no preference. Which would you like? I'll take the top bunk. Okay, bottom bunk for me. I like it's like a little cave. It reminds me of being on a ship underneath, you know, the floor. So we got Natty on top bunk, Doug on the bottom bunk, and Gunther on bottom, bottom bunk. And then on the other side, we've got Tolv on bottom bunk by himself.

Is that the correct layout? Yeah, I like that actually. Oh, I thought Maddie was over told. No, this is great. I like this. Not because I'm selfish with the bunk, but I get to watch over my team and make sure they're okay.

Everyone resting well? Just for clarity, the reason I said it that way is in the arrow, Tolv said he was getting used to sleeping with strangers. So I think based on this layout, he would kind of go to the side by himself. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. This is important. We should spend a few more minutes on this. Remember this moment. He's throwing himself in the deep end, having used to be alone, and now he's literally surrounded by people.

In this barracks, like I said, is your two stacked beds on one side, the other two stacked beds on the east side with a team. And there's personal trunks with equipment for each soldier that sits at the foot of each bunk bed. Mounted on the wall over the door is a scorched iron claw hammer. And there's a small plaque below the claw hammer. You all are resting. You can either be asleep or resting in your bunks. It's up to you. It's been the end of a long day of training. Hmm.

Natty would be sitting on her bunk playing her harp. Ooh, that's the ultimate relaxation. And playing a little song like that. Her auto harp. Sure. And she uses her nails as the picks for the auto harp. Nice. Tov would be, I guess, polishing his war hammer and then humming along to the song, but too quietly to himself, not to make it about him. He just likes the tune. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. ooh. Ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh. ooh.

I think Doug would be on his stomach with his feet kicked up. And he has like one of those little headlamps. And he's tinkering on something. But since we're in like a fantasy kind of world, it's like one of those candle lights.

No, I think at this point Doug would have invented something that's a little more electric. It's just a trapped fairy. That's what it is. Oh, it's a very Legend of Zelda. What's Gunther up to? Croaking. Croaking? You're dead? Oh no! He's making those sounds you were talking about at the beginning of the episode. Oh, deep sleep.

Not sleep. Isn't, uh, quoking another word for dead? Yeah. Gunto, are you okay? Yes. Yeah, I just, you can't see him. He's just covered in blankets and shrouded in this under the bunk. Okay, so, uh, yeah, you guys are doing this. A-Team is doing their best to try to sleep. Ignore us. A couple of them have, yeah, have pillows over their head trying to...

Oh, it's bedtime? I didn't know what time of day it was. I'm just playing my auto harp.

Um, well then I'm playing like a little lullaby. How about that? How about that? Because Natty's mindful of people's needs. Yeah, I mean, it's a shared space and, you know, based on your previous three months of interaction, you know, they're not necessarily the most fond of you in the world. You've had an ongoing small rivalry with A-Team over the last three months. Hey, A-Team, are you guys asleep? Hold on. I'm going to do something for you myself. Are you getting a blanket?

Gus is immersing himself in the story. He's grabbing a pillow. Wow. Shut up! I'ma take that as a no, you ain't asleep. No! Why are you guys so mean to us? Actually, I think that we're the ones kind of maybe being mean to a team, if I'm being honest, Natty. Right.

We were playing music and- Yeah! You know, quoking and- I'm alive. This is like psychological warfare, yeah. I just- I- I can't sleep if there's like problems, you know? If you sleep on your problems then you just wake up with problems.

And so we should just hash this out finally so we can all be friends. I feel like A and B should be buddies. I'm not a problem. Why would you say you sleep on me? No, no. I'm not a problem. No, we know that, Gunther. Okay, then why you say you sleep on me? Oh.

Well, technically... Gunther, I'm not on top of you, okay? Yes, you are. No, technically Doug is. Yeah, it's okay. I'm the problem, it's me. It's okay.

Do you think maybe we could just squash this beef, Gunther, before you say anything? That's an idiom. That's an idiom. You might have to explain what an idiom means to Gunther. I'm not an idiot. I knew that was going to be the next response. At that point, Private Lassick sits up in bed and says, Ugh.

Listen, it's been a long three months. Okay, let's just get through tonight and then we'll be done. Is that your way of saying we can finally be friends? Yeah, are we cool now? Is this cool? Oh sure, we're cool. We'll get you through your graduation tomorrow and that'll be it. We'll be cool forever. Wait, this is it? There's no more boot camp? Oh...

We are all a bunch of super troopers, you know? Shining like the sun, smiling, having fun, feeling like a number one. It's an ABBA song. They're from my homeland. Thank you, thank you, Blaine. Thank you. I need you to explain that kind of stuff. Blaine and I have an agreement. He explains musical pop references, and I tell him if I'm making a reference to Broadway. No, you should know ABBA.

Abba, this is very much in your wheelhouse. I never got into Abba. I just didn't. That's wild to me. We just have to get through tonight. You are all passing out tomorrow and hopefully we'll never have to see you again. But just in case, can we like, can we exchange information so that if like, you know, if you wanted to send me a letter, I can, I can get it and we can have a little like pen pal situation. Lassik kind of throws his arms to the side and,

and pounds them into the mattress a little bit, then stands up and says, "Sure." And he walks over to your bunk, Natty. Ah, biscuits, I'm so happy. From his pocket, pulls out a piece of paper and a writing instrument and begins scribbling on it and hands it to you and says, "Here."

You can send a raven whenever you want, and you can find me using this information. Ooh. Oh, aces. And Natty writes on a little piece of paper and then puts a big old kiss on the corner and hands it to Lassie. Don't lose this, okay? Romantic. Without looking at it, he grabs it, sticks it in his pocket, and turns around to walk back to his bunk. And as he does so, he stumbles and trips a little bit over your footlocker. Ooh. Ooh.

Be careful, Lassic. Then he continues back over to his bed and lays down. I turn to Tolv and I just give him a big ol' thumbs up like we did good. Great job, Natty! Best friends! It would be- I was going to propose while he was over here if we wanted to do a bunk swap where I go over to their side and then they trade someone over here. You know, just mix it up! Mix up the floor plan! I go to the east side, they go to the west.

We should go to bed. We should really go to bed. The sleep crazies are taking over. Doug has already fallen asleep and is snoring. I play out the lullaby and then stop for the night.

- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleepy. - I wasn't sure if your video had froze there, Chris. It just had like a very still blank staring off into space look on your face. - I was just thinking about, you know, like the lullaby and like getting, you know, and I like the sounds of like frog croaking. Have you ever been camping, like hearing frogs croaking? - Yeah. - It's kind of like- - It's like the rainforest sounds or the- - Yeah. - Yeah, they're good. - Very relaxing.

When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof like Aloe or Allbirds or Skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand and brilliant marketing, but an often overlooked secret is actually the business behind the business making selling and for shoppers buying simple. For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify.

Nobody does selling better than Shopify. It's home of the number one checkout on the planet and the not-so-secret secret with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%. That means way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going...

So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business to get the same checkout that Skims uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash dragon, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com slash dragon to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash dragon.

Ever felt like you're just going through the motions? Well, what if I told you that your everyday life could feel like your favorite D&D campaign? Enter the Hero's Journal, a daily journal that transforms your life into an epic quest. The journal can be used for anything from losing weight, running marathons, getting a new job, finishing school, writing a novel, or even becoming a dungeon master. But

It's not just about productivity, it's about self-discovery and becoming the most heroic version of yourself and of course getting much needed level ups. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect when I got Hero's Journal, but I think it's fantastic. I guess you could say it kind of gamifies objectives and things you want to get done in your everyday life. So it incentivizes you to kind of get off your butt and get things done that you might want to push aside normally.

Getting started is easy. All you have to do is choose the right campaign for you, whether it's High Fantasy, Space Odyssey, or Magic Academy. Identify anything in your life you want to accomplish, and you set out on your quest. And they're making it even easier by giving us a code for 30% off on their website. Just go to theheroesjournal.co and use code STINKY30 for 30% off your order. That's T-H-E-H-E-R-O-S-J-O-U-R-N-A-L.C-O and use code STINKY30 for 30% off your order.

ButcherBox is the leader in providing high quality, sustainably sourced meat. They offer 100% grass fed beef, free range organic chicken, wild caught seafood and pork raised crate free, ensuring that their products are not only humanely raised, but also free from antibiotics and added hormones. With ButcherBox, you can customize your order based on your preferences so you can always have your favorite protein stocked.

Speaking of favorite proteins, when you go to butcherbox.com slash stinky dragon, you'll get your choice between ground beef, chicken wings, or bacon free in every box for life. Plus, if you use code stinky dragon at checkout, you'll get an additional $20 off your first box. I love that their products are humanely raised, antibiotic free. You know, I don't know if you know this. I live, most of us at Stinky Dragon Crew live in Texas. So quality meat, grilling, it's like a big thing here, big way of life, especially with

the cooler temperatures of fall coming. I'm really thinking about it. I'm super excited for ButcherBox and checking out all of the great products. And you can check them out too by going to butcherbox.com slash stinky dragon. Don't forget, you get your choice between ground beef, chicken wings, or bacon free in every box for life. Plus if you use code stinky dragon at checkout, you get an additional $20 off your first box.

You all are sound asleep, dreaming your little dreams, and in the middle of the best parts of your dreams, you're startled awake by the sound of banging metal. Banging metal? Yeah. You sit up in your bed. Pulp slams his head on the top bunk because he forgets it's there.

You wake up with a start, sit up in your bed, and see Sergeant Steel Eye banging two pieces of metal in the bunk, screaming at you all. Wake up! It's time for contraband search! Three months into training, now you're looking for contraband? We've been here the whole time! This is the final check before you pass out, Mr. Fur! Mr. Fur?

That's not my last name. That was Gus's attempt at a mean nickname. I kind of like Mr. Fur. Mr. Furry Feet. Sounds like Christopher. You're saying my name, yes? We're getting some insight into how good Gus would have been in school at being a bully. Mr. Furr.

I was on the receiving end. I know. If one of you is a character like me, then I can come up with a lot of good insults for you. But none of you are too much like me. Sergeant Steel Eye makes a beeline for your footlocker, Natty, and says, open her up. I open it up. I ain't got nothing to hide. He begins very quickly pulling things out and looking for any contraband that he can find inside your footlocker and then pulls something out and puts it in front of your face and says, what's this?

And he's holding a small cone that looks like it could fit over your head. Like a dunce cone? Kind of.

I don't know what is it. That's an interesting fashion choice that you have there with you. Cool hat. That's not my style. I'll tell you what it is. It's contraband. If you say so. What is it? We're going to find out. Wait. Sir, do you know what it is? I know what it isn't, and it isn't approved equipment. Okay. Well, let's find out what it is. But the auto harp is.

It's the cone of copia! Whoa. With that, he turns and walks over to Tov and says, open up your footlocker.

I open it and I present it with like a flourish like Vanna White. Blaine is fully, he can't get out of the voice so he's saying the meta stuff in Tull's voice. Behold my trunk of wonders! He begins dumping out all of the equipment, uh, starting to do it and you can hear him muttering under his breath. Contraband, I know it's in here somewhere. Contraband, you're a contraband.

He pulls out something. It looks like it's a healing item of some kind, some kind of first aid wrap. He says, I've been looking for these. What are you doing with them? These are my bog-nomish leg wraps. Oh my gosh, I must have put them in my trunk by mistake. That is so embarrassing. How many push-ups would you like? Go ahead, give me a number. Go ahead and give me 60 for starters. Okie dokie. I start doing push-ups.

We're going to need you to really do it, Blaine, for us while we do the rest of the contraband. Don't tempt him. Don't tempt him. I think I can bring my microphone down to the ground. You've got to do it. Why would you say that, John? Blaine, no.

She's doing push-ups. Keep going! Don't break your microphone down there. No, I'm not going to. I stepped over a toll who's doing push-ups and walks over to Doug. Watch your step. And what are you hiding? For the listener, all we see is the backs of Blaine's ankles and his head popping into frame every 10 seconds. 36, 37, 38, 39.

Sorry, go Doug. What are you hiding, Doug? Mr. Fur? Mr. Fur, whatever you want to call me, sir. You can't say that while I'm drinking something, because it's the stupidest nickname ever. Oh, it's not stupid, it's a great nickname. I love it. You won't be laughing when we're selling 5,000 Mr. Fur shirts at store.cigarriampop.com.

So, you know, part of me is suspecting that the A team might have taken some of your stuff and put them in our dockers because my team here is very innocent, very honest as well. I mean, Tolvdale actually did all the push-ups that you wanted him to do. 60 push-ups all done. Great way of waking up. Yeah.

And, you know, I feel like it's part of the hazing here in training. And I don't think they like us very much. And I think they wanted to get us in trouble. Is that your story? Blaming others for your shortcomings? Oh, I don't think the shortcomings is the proper term for this, actually. I think it's a misdemeanor?

It's merely deduction. But if you want to go take a look, you know, you'll probably find something just based off what's been going on here. What do you think I'm going to find? You tell me. Okay. What are you missing? You missing anything?

He opens up your Foot Locker, Doug, and once again, he's muttering under his breath. Oh, contraband, I can smell it. It's in here somewhere. I realize I started doing Quartermaster from Camp Camp there for a second. I need to not do that. Today I learned you were the voice of Quartermaster. He opens up your Foot Locker, and right on top, there's a painting, and he pulls it up and shows it to you and says, What's this? Some kind of vulgar painting? Is it a nude of you? No.

What's the painting of? It's an artwork that looks like it's painted in blood depicting the origin of demonic mythos. That's very concerning. This is definitely contraband. What are you into here, Doug? Sergeant Steelite, if you just take a look at my hands, you think these are Paino's hands? Surely they are not. And it's right on top of my stuff. I mean, if I was trying to hide something, you think I'd really put that right on top?

Well, see, I got my eye on you. Which one? The steel eye or the... Mr. Fur. Store.stinkydragonpod.com Shut up. Shut up. So stupid. He looks at the other bunk, which is empty. Then seemingly he remembers and then goes over to the other bunk where he was originally and...

opens up Gunther's Foot Locker. What are you hiding in here? Is Gunther's Foot Locker, is it smaller than the other ones? It's a matchbox. I think they'd all be standard sized. I think they don't bother making different versions of the Foot Locker. That's like a room for Gunther. That should be his apartment.

This is like a studio. So what are you hiding in your apartment, Gunther? I have nothing to hide. So metagame-wise, just so I know, this was like a thing in our preview episode. You know, Gunther said he didn't have any coins and he wasn't going to be robbed. Just so I know, is Gunther like a minimalist and he doesn't own very many possessions? Oh, see, Gus, you're trying to trick me into not hoarding. Locking it in with character. Ha ha ha!

Chris is running the alert light off. I think now more than ever, if you're playing a croak folk, you shouldn't hoard. No. Well, I'll say this. He collects certain things, but they're for a purpose. Yeah, you know, totems from his victims that he murders. Vulgar paintings. Yeah. Buntle, is this yours? No. But yeah, he opens up the giant chest to him. You open up the giant chest and a bee flies out. Oh.

Sergeant Steel Eye begins swatting at it. Get that thing away from me. Can he try and like ribbit it? Like with his tongue? Sure. Let me look at your character sheet. Do you have like any abilities for that? Tongue lashing. Your tongue has a 10 foot range. If you're trying to grab something, you'll need to make a dex grapple check with it. You can't handle or move anything more than 10 pounds with your tongue. Well, this bee's definitely less than 10 pounds. Yeah, go ahead and make that grapple check, I guess. I think we all know what happens when he fails. What?

It's a B. 18. I was really hoping he was going to roll a one. Yeah, I was really hoping. Stings him and then his tongue inflates. I guess I'll make the B's check. I'm just going to roll a D20 and we'll figure it out from there. Man, I want a really muscular B. All right, so you rolled an 18 on your dexterity check. That's a 14 plus four. I'm going to roll for the B here. Let's just roll a D20 and see where we end up.

Oh, 17. Okay, now we've got to look up what a bee modifier is in D&D. I was hoping it would be extreme one way or another, not practically your same role. If I know anything about bees, and I did watch the first episode of Man vs. Bee on Netflix with Rowan Atkinson fighting a bee, they're pretty dexterous creatures. I'm going to say it's probably going to get away from you.

first use of your tongue and you miss. Shout out to the Bee Movie. Yeah. It's not that it's stronger than you, it's just it manages to quickly dart out of the way and you know, begins flying out of the bunk that you all are in. Your tongue flies right by Sergeant Steel Eye and this seems to enrage him. You let it get away. What are you doing? We're not that friendly Gunther. Put that tongue back in your mouth.

Okay. All right, you four, you need to get yourselves in shape. Look your best, because today you're passing out. The four of you getting promoted. But first, of course, there'll be a demonstration where you show what you've learned at boot camp in front of some of the top brass of the Mortallion.

I'm nervous. I have performance anxiety. I feel like I'm being dumb for saying this, but are there repercussions for this contraband? You'll find out. Okay. John asked, not Natty. So I'm going to answer as Gus, not Steel Eye.

Okay. Okay. So if like you are Steel Eye and you say the top brass, are we gonna be like other metal themed like dudes? Like what is that? Who are we doing performing in front of? You're performing in front of Colonel Boy-y, of course. Colonel Boy-y. What a silly question. Yeah, boy-y. Hi.

How do you spell Koyoboy? Just like it sounds. B-O-I-I-I. All right. So dumb. Why don't the four of you make me perception checks? Okay. Oh, I love being high intelligent. And I rolled a nat 20, 25. Wow. Perception's wisdom.

16. 14. I have a plus two this campaign. Yeah, I did high wisdom, high intelligence first. Oh, both. Got a brainiac. Smarty pants. Eight. All of you, except for Natty, noticed that on the A side of the room, A team seems to all be giggling to themselves and their blankets are shaking ever so slightly as they're watching and hearing all of this going on. What did I tell you? Cute sleepover. Not telling ghost stories. So,

So you four, get ready. It's almost time to show what you got. We just did that. When you looked into our bunkers. Yeah, I got this weird blood painting. Sergeant Steeli stares at the four of you with all the contraband minus the bee under his arms, turns around sharply and walks directly to the exit and leaves the room. Enjoy your new painting. I didn't do it.

I probably did, I'll just say it. Should we, I guess, like, limbo up or have, like, a team huddle or something? Well, I just had 60 push-ups. I'm pretty limber. That's very true. Can you help me stretch out, Tolv? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll just, like, take the arm and I'll just kind of, ooh, Rocky, you're going to get him. Ooh. Yeah.

Doug has very bad posture. Like, he's a little hunched. And so I imagine you're trying to, like, massage his shoulders. And, like, they're just like rocks. What are these knots in here? What have you been doing?

Uh, nothing. That's probably the problem. Alright, so some time passes and you all find yourselves outside ready for your passing out ceremony. You're in the courtyard here at Fort Endridge. The fort itself is fairly sizable. It's not huge, but it's decently sized. It's built on some grasslands a few miles inland from the coast of the sea.

The fort, it's an aged structure, but it's sturdy. It's got a rampart built out of stone and there's a few towers. Inside the fort, there is a catapult that you see that is stationed for defense of the fort itself.

Here in the courtyard, which is referred to as the Cortège, is the clay in the center of the fort where the field exercises, physical training, and ceremonial parades are held. And in your experience, it's probably the hottest area in the fort. Around there are a few buildings including the HQ, the mess, the armory, and the Seesaw, which is the scrimmage indoor simulation area where you all have spent a lot of time training. Specifically in the last episode, that's where your training took place.

Cool. So yeah, the four of you are standing here waiting for the ceremony to take place. I'm not sure if there's anything you want to do, anything you want to say. It's like the last day of summer camp, you know, taking it all in before we go. And I assume pass out from, you know,

I don't know, lack of oxygen or something? It's weird they keep saying past that. I don't understand that. Do we like put each other in chokeholds or like what is this? Yeah, is it where they like maybe make us lose consciousness and like we, I don't know, like go into a different plane of existence and I don't know, a test in that way? Yeah, like a cult or something, yeah. Ugh.

As you all are making small talk amongst yourselves, a gathering of people wander into the courtyard and a few of them seem to be surrounding and talking to one person in specific who seems to be a higher rank than them. You know this is Colonel Boye, who has traveled many miles from another region to be the inspecting officer for the passing out parade. Wow.

She walks straight over to you four and kind of takes you all in, looking at the four of you. Natty starts singing, here comes the boy. Hello, boy. Welcome. Welcome.

I give him a real proper salute, and then I, and then I, to the rest of the crew so that they'll follow suit. Doug is standing so straight, and he's not making eye contact because he's so shy. Your posture looks amazing, Doug. You're doing so good. We probably shouldn't talk to each other. Maddie salutes, but kicks up one leg to the side and gives a little sass. Gunther just salutes and holds it.

Very still. Like you think he might be frozen. A frog statue. I also like to imagine Doug is sweating, but because he's so furry, just like the fur on his forehead is just like stuck, like limp. Is Doug panting? A little bit.

Colonel Boy sees all of you and sees your leg kick, Natty, and says, Oh, that's neat. He kind of does it in return also. He salutes and kicks his leg out too. I like that one. I might adopt that. Wow. I like this guy. Yeah, the man, the myth, the legend, Colonel Boy. How goes the battle? How are the front lines, sir? Oh, the front lines? Yeah, you know, they're in the front, obviously, and...

battling. Can I do a perception check? Is this actually a colonel? Insight. Insight. Insight. Vibe check. Insight. You can do an insight check. Okay. What's this dude's deal? Twelve. Yeah, it seems he's got all the markings of a colonel and he's, you know, surrounded by people who are attending to him. Okay.

Can I motion Colonel Boy to come closer to Natty? Yeah, he steps in a little closer. Hey, do you know what we're going to be doing today? Do you got any little tips or secrets about what's happening going on today? Because they ain't told us nothing. You're going to be doing the passing out parade and showing off some of your moves that you learned here during basic training. Is it just a parade of four people? It's a very sad parade.

Like, is there a float? Are we going to be on a float? You know, I'll give some commands. You all will do the things I say, and then there will be a parade. And I think later we'll have some cake. I love cake. Well, this sounds not so bad. I imagine it won't turn bad at all since we're playing D&D. I feel like, do you think that maybe, like, us...

us under Sergeant Seelye, he was like way harsher than the normal people in this military are. Like, maybe we just got like the bad apple. Maybe Colonel Boy is like the difficult kind of leader. Maybe. I don't know. I like apples. With that, Colonel Boy says, anyway, it'll be fine. We'll get through it here in just a bit. You'll see. Uh,

And he turns around to talk to one of the people who was there with him. It's a woman who's adorned and appears to be some kind of priestess. And they begin speaking to each other kind of in a hushed tone. You know how in, like, grade school when you walk around the school and it's like your graduation because you're taking it all in and it's like, you know, all nostalgic and stuff? Do you guys want to, like, boogie around the Fort Enrich? Just say goodbye to everything even though it's all inanimate objects and buildings and stuff? Yeah.

Do you think maybe we should come up with like a little routine real quick? Should we have prepped for this? Oh, that's great. I like that. Is this supposed to be like a performance? Because... They keep saying we're going to show what we learned. Yeah, well, I assume, you know, like some guy would come out and like...

one-on-one kind of situation and stuff like that? Or is it like us four doing like a choreographed, like a one and a two and a one, two, three, and then break out? I think the best way to show that we are a team that knows how to coordinate with each other is with a stylish dance routine. That's an idea.

Well, I don't know if that's necessarily everyone's strong suit. Maybe you would do a dance routine, Natty. You know, I think a very talented dancer. I say we take that big catapult and launch someone in it into the sea. Huh? Who's with me? Who do we have that would be small enough to go in a catapult? I don't know. Hmm.

It couldn't be you, Tov. You're just way too big. Too big. And Doug, you're also just a big old drink of water. And I got to be honest, I don't know how to swim, so I don't think I'm the person to be shot out into the ocean. If only we had a solution. So ideally, an amphibious creature can get launched into the water. It can't be Tov. It can't be Doug. And it can't be me. Who should we put in the...

Catapult. Going through any ideas? A cat. Maybe Sergeant Steelye or maybe that bee that we saw before. You know, I like where you're going with the size there, Doug. But I think if we put our superior in the catapult, that'll be bad. It's got to be somebody who is equal rank as us.

and a round for us to put into the catapult. I imagine all of our heads slowly turn towards Gunther. I don't think Gunther quite understands what a catapult is, so he's like, okay. Yeah.

We cannot launch him in a catapult. This sounds like bullying. I don't like this. I would be honored to do this task. What else is around here, just out of curiosity? The mess and the HQ, right? Yeah, you're in the cortege, which is the courtyard. And there's a few other buildings. There's a HQ, there's a mess hall, there's the armory, there's the seesaw, and of course the barracks, which you all were in just a little earlier. And what was the seesaw?

That's the simulation area. Correct. You know, the Seesaw is the scrimmage indoor simulation area. It's a stone building where you did a lot of your training. And, you know, over the past few months, you know, you've come to understand that it uses an ancient piece of Thauma tech called an eye caster to conjure lifelike illusionary environments, which is like the environment that you all were in in the previous episode where you were doing your training.

It's called a what? iCaster. iCaster. Like I-E-Y-E? No, just like I, like Steve Jobs. It's an Apple product. No, that one costs double the price. While this talk of the catapult is going on, could I try to overhear

what Colonel Boy is saying to the priestess looking person? Yeah, it was actually the priestess who got his attention and who started talking to him. Make a, let's say, perception check to see if you can overhear what they're saying. 24. Wow. Man, Barbara, you're killing it with the rolls today. Yeah, you hear the priestess talking to Colonel Boy and it seems like she's reminding him that she's looking for something and that she doesn't want him to forget.

that she needs to find the Cone of Copia and take it back to her convent that it's been missing for some time. We know where that is. Could I quickly shuffle over to my team and relay that information to them? Yeah, of course. Why don't you say it as Doug would? Okay. Guys, huddle in real quick. I know we're talking about the catapult, but I need to take a pause. So that priestess over there talking to Cone of Copia...

She mentioned that she's looking for that cone of copia, which I think is... Natty, you found that. That was found in your trunk, right? Correct. So apparently she's looking for it. I don't know what it does. Do you know anything about it? I imagine it makes a nice little sound if you're blowing one in. Okay.

Would, I guess, Doug have any knowledge of what this cone of copia is? You've never seen it before. I'll let you make a religion check to see if you've heard of it. That's an intelligence check. Doug go to Sunday school? Dang!

Wow. So you're not familiar with this specific relic, but you do know if this is a priestess from the Copia convent, that the Copia convent is not that far away. And this must be some kind of relic

relic that provides mystical or magical effect on whoever wears it. Okay. I heard they use these things to decorate their tables and they put little corn husks and little pumpkins around it for like a big meal they'd have once a year. I see the confusion of the cornucopia common mistake here. It's okay. Don't feel bad though, Natty.

I never feel bad, I'm happy. So like, I really want to help this priestess out, but like, I also really like Colonel Boye and he is our superior officer. So, you know, maybe we can ask if we can help her by asking if we can help him. You know, like, get his approval first before making this decision.

I don't know. I just don't want to get in trouble again. Steel Eye is so mean and he makes me do push-ups in the morning. So you think we should tell Colonel Boy about this? Yeah, I mean, I could go distract the priestess and then you could pull him to the side and be like, yo, I know where this is if you want. Natty perks up from our little huddle and goes, Colonel Boy, could you come over here for a second? And then I boogie over to the priestess. Hello, my name is Tov. How are you today? I'm imagining Tov's head like...

goes back and forth side to side so quickly while he talks. Okay, yeah, I like that. Colonel Boy's head snaps around and he begins walking over towards the group, passing Tolv as Tolv walks over to the priestess. I actually want to deal with Tolv's conversation first because I'm most curious about this. We should. Okay. Her attention turns to you and she regards you and says, Hello, Tolv. I'm Priestess Chess.

Pleasure to meet you. Welcome to Fort Indridge. Have you been here before? Indeed. Our Abbey sends people to visit the fort very regularly. Oh, okay. Are you like part of the Mortallion? No, of course not. But we help support the Mortallion wherever possible. Well, thank you for the support. Like and subscribe, that's so great of you. So, tell me about your Abbey. Tell me about your people. Well,

Well, where do I start? Why don't you first tell me what you know about the Copia Convent? The Copia Convent? Well, I know it's nearby and you're an abbey that supports the... ...mortallion when we need it.

You're a fantastic listener, Tolv. Oh, thank you. Wow. Has anyone ever told you that? No, never once. They might have, but I wasn't listening. Well, allow me to enlighten you. The Copia Convent worships the deity, the Fruit Bearer, and our symbol is an empty cornucopia. We

We try to do what we can to better the lives of people here. Okay, so like, do you guys like cooking and stuff? You like eating the food? Are you foodies? Absolutely. We are foodies, as you say. But our primary duty at the Abbey is that we are tanners.

"Tanners? Ooh, like you get a hide and then you tan it in the sun after a hunt?" "Precisely." "Oh that's neat, cool. So like what's your take on this whole war thing? I hate to bring up politics but you know I'm just asking." "Well we of course believe strongly in it, and we believe we are on the right side and that we will emerge victorious over the Undarians and must do whatever we can to vanquish them.

which is why the Abbey does what we can, providing leather armor for the forces such as yourself. Oh, leather armor. Very cool. That's so neat. Thank you for providing that. You're probably saving so many lives out on the battlefield. We do what we can. Yeah, that's so great. I look back at the team and see if I'm buying enough time. I think that's good. Wow, wow, neat, neat. I love Channing, yes. ♪

Ah, yes, the magnificent Trolli Sourbright Crawler, also known as Trollicus Brightolus. The worm's captivating neon colour makes it an easy gummy prey. Trolli! It's a surprisingly sour, invitingly chewy, staggeringly snackable species unlike anything else found on this planet. Eat me! Delicious. Visit trolli.com to shop now. Trolli, eat me!

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates, and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today at United.com.

Church's Original Recipe is back. You can never go wrong with Original. Still tastes the same like back in the day. Right now get two pieces of chicken starting at only $2.99 or ten pieces starting at only $10.99. Church's. Offer valid at participating locations.

While that conversation was going on, we'll say the conversation with Colonel Boye was happening at the same time. So he walks up to the three of you and says, Yes, Doug. I mean, you called him over. I thought you wanted to tell him. Oh, we're, we have, we, we, oh. Well, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick

Before we get to that. I thought it was Doug's plan. Yeah, but you called him over. I thought you were calling him over. I was assisting Doug. Gunther's very confused as to what is going on. Because we just met Colonel Boy. We don't know whether or not we could trust him. We did a roll to 12 on an insight check. Could I do a... I guess like Doug's not very charismatic, so he would just straight up be like, Colonel Boy, you're a good guy, right?

I'd try to be, sure. Can I do an insight check? Yeah. Why not make an insight check? Be killing it with the rose. Keep it up. 16? Not bad. It seems like he's a little fidgeting. You think he's trying to be earnest, but he's maybe a little uneasy at the moment. 100?

How do you know that woman over there you were talking to? She's with the Abbey. She's part of the entourage here. They're bringing hides and armor for the base. It's part of the whole passing out ceremony. Oh, are they typically like to be twisted? Like you like them? Yeah, the Abbey. They're great.

Look at all they provide for the fort. He points around and you see there's actually lots of leather hides all around the fort on top of the leather armor that many of the recruits wear. Barbara, the player, is always hesitant to give up information to people we don't know fully yet. Do it and just see what happens. A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet. Yeah. Who's saying that? Is that Gus? So.

I couldn't help but overhear that woman over there you were talking to. You said she was a priestess? Yes, that's right. She was trying to find this cone of copia. She's been talking about that nonstop. She's looking for a few things. Do you happen to know when that went missing? She said it went missing like a week ago or so.

Well, we might have found it earlier today. Oh, really? Oh, she would love that. Doug elbows Natty. It was Sergeant Steele who found it. Oh, the sergeant found it? Does he have it? Well, technically, he found it in my footlocker. Did you steal it?

Because that would be bad. No, you got to hold on. Let me finish. Okay. Doug here, Mr. Smarty Pants, or some call him Mr. Fur. I like that. Yeah, you should put that on a t-shirt. No, I don't think we should. I think that should leave, we should leave that on the floor. He figured out, or he deduced that a team might have planted it in my footlocker.

in order to get me in trouble. So I think if we put two and two together, a team equals four. It equals four. Man, we got too many literal folks here on this team. Private Lastic might have planted it and been the source of its original missing. You don't say. You have any evidence for that? Not a lick.

Well, the priestess won't care in the end as long as she has it back. You said the drill sergeant Stela has it? Yes. Okay, I'll talk to him. She's also looking for... A beat? A beat? No. She's not looking for a beat. Okay, good, because it got away. She only likes A pluses. Nice. That's not like a joke. She's looking for a hammer of some kind. Have you seen that by any chance? Please.

You should mention that. Yeah, yeah, actually. Doug points over to Tolv. It was in his Footlocker. Tolv's a pretty trustworthy guy. I don't think that was his. I give those little finger waves, you know, where you're like, eee! You have no idea what we're talking about. I'm just like, pointing at me like, it's Tolv, yeah? Yeah.

He's got the hammer. Well, no. Sergeant Steli took that as well when he found it in his full lock. Oh, okay. So Sergeant Steli has everything that the priestess is looking for. It would seem so. Interesting. Okay, great. I'll let Priestess Jess know. Thank you. You guys are doing great. You're going to kill it today. I know.

You guys seem like you're on the up and up. You're going to have no problem with the passing out ceremony. Well, I think also you should, you know, consider our honesty when you're awaiting us. Aguating. Absolutely. It'll definitely go on your permanent record. All right. I feel good about this. Ain't nothing bad going to happen from this action we just took all on our own. I feel a little nervous about it, Natty, if I'm being honest.

Tolv, we're good. Yeah, I guess your conversations would probably end at about the same time. So Tolv, you would see Colonel Boy heading back over towards the priestess. Okay. I shake the priestess's hand and then I do my little jaunt over to the team. And then I give a little cute little salute to Colonel Boy. You said her name was Priestess what? Chess. Chess? Yeah, C-H-E-S-S.

What does Gunther think about all this? I feel like Gunther would see a lot going on here. I mean, I think Gunther wants to go tell... Where's Sergeant Steel? Steelite. You don't see him. You haven't seen him since he left the barracks this morning after he woke you all up. Do we go out and find anything? I feel like we told Colonel Boye where to find it. And so we've done our due diligence. I feel like we can just let it lie. Should we work on that dance?

Oh, the choreographed dance for the show? The big parade? Dance. Dance. Our opening night? I heard dance, and I was like, I don't know. Listen, I said, Humpdog doesn't like to dance.

Okay, I'm just going to show you a little thing called a kickball chain, okay? And I just show my feet and I do a little kickball chain dance and kind of show Doug how to do a simple move. Make a performance check, Maddie. Doug takes out a notebook and starts writing down notes of what he's saying. Performance check. That's an 18. Oh, yeah. I mean...

Doug, you are getting a master class in how to do it. Your notes are, I assume, pristine. You have fully analyzed the stance and broken it down to its individual components. Now, Doug, you show me. You show me what you can do with those feet. Okay, let me show you. And Doug turns his notebook around and it's just a bunch of like equations and scribbles and stuff like that. That clearly is not anything helpful to Natty.

Does this look white? I'm gonna be honest, I don't know. Okay, so I got the kick, the ball, and the chain. How about all three of you try to do it together and I'll assess your dancing abilities, okay? Sound good? Yes. I'll try it, y'all. I'll give it a shot. Okay, and one, and a two, and a... Let's see performance checks from all three of you. Oh my god, Dirty 20!

Four. Five. Somehow that's in character. Yeah. It seems like Toad really was paying attention and picked it up. And does a really excellent rendition of the dance. Meanwhile, Doug and Gunther, I think...

One of them got the instructions backwards, like mirror image, and they keep bumping into each other every time they turn. They just can't seem to get out of each other's way. It's like that thing in the hallway when you walk up to someone and you go left and you go right and just back and forth. That's what they're doing the entire time. I step on Gunther's toes.

Can I do like a spin at the end and then like a boom, like a dead drop with the leg in the air? I think if you did a little spin and then a bell kick, that would just be peaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Yeah. I like peaches too. Yeah, peaches are great. Doug and Gunther, we'll get it on the day. We'll get it on the day. Don't worry about it, okay?

- Oh, I'm not too confident in that. - With that, Colonel Boy steps up onto the dais and begins loudly addressing all of you. - Welcome, welcome everyone. It is time for the Passing Out Parade.

I will be leading the demonstrations and B-Team here will be executing the commands, showing their mastery of everything they've learned here at Fort Enrich. B-Team, at attention. All right, here's our moment. Now do the little dance I just showed you. No, no, I'm not ready. I'm not ready. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we do the dance? And a one and a two. Before you can get it out, Colonel Boy yells the command. B-Team, drop.

Oh, come on. Why you got to phrase it that way, Gus? You know what's going to happen. Tolv presents his warhammer. Doug takes out his hand axe. Natty presents an auto harp. Gunther will pull out a sword. I think he's learned what draw arms means.

It's been three months. You've learned some of this stuff. I like it. Learning and growing. He's a fighter. Yeah. I imagine he, you know, would notice it. I'm so proud of you, Kunta. You did it. We have not done the dance yet. Big time. Demonstrate advanced steps. Left, three, right, four, back, two. Is this the dance? This is the dance. Go. We've been prepping for this. Oh, at least I practiced once. Tolf, why don't you repeat those steps to me? Okay. Left, three...

Back four. Right. Three. Nope. Lefty, back four. Right two. What? I don't think he said two at all. Natty, why don't you give it a shot? Now they're gone. It's gone. It was there for maybe a second. Maybe. I'm not even confident it was there for a second. It's gone, though. Natty does...

Back three, right four, left five. Gunther, you want to give it a shot? Yeah, Gunther wants to do that dance. Okay, Gunther begins dancing. Maker performs check, Gunther. Natty just starts going... So it is a Nat one.

Instead of doing the steps, Gunther just face-clanked onto the ground. He falls face-forward. Just foot on foot and down. Can we add sound effects to Gunther's movements that are, like, sticky? I have brought shame to all of us. Doug, do you have those moves? As far as I remember from many sentences ago, left three, back one, right four?

Everyone got kind of close, but not quite right. Gunther face plants and the other three of you end up kind of like bumping into each other and kind of bustling around. Colonel Boykes kind of furrows his brow and shakes his head a little bit. What was that? I whisper, I'm sorry, with big elaborate lips. Big time. Salute. Salute. Easy. Got that one. Nailed it.

Just so you know, the traditional Mortallion salute would be three fingers over the heart. So all four of you know that one. You salute. Is it like, is it that one? Or is it like this three? Is it Michael Fassbender three? Or is it? Yeah, like which fingers? I think it's a pointer, middle and ring. Ring. Cool. Yeah. Oh, it's like M for Mortallion. Yo. Also, what were the steps just out of Barbara's curiosity? How close? It was left three, right four, back two.

I said that the second time! No, you didn't. You said left 3, back 4, right 2. Oh, you were so close. You were so close. You were so close. I'm taking crazy pills right now. We have the recording. We'll hear it in playback. Play it back. Play it back. Play back the tape. Left 3, back 4, right 2. Left 3, back 4, right 2. Left 3, back 4, right 2.

I'm still proud of you, Blaine. And hence, Colonel Boy clears his throat and looks at you, Gunther, and says, Sound off, like a rabbit.

What army is this? Gun. Gun. You've broken Chris. Gun. Gun. Gunther. Gunther. Gunther goes... Not bad. Not bad. It's good. It's very good. To be clear, that's the sound of a rabbit getting run over by a tractor. That sounds very awful.

Does that work? Yeah, he looks at you and then turns his attention to Doug and says, Doug. Hello. Give the most disappointing sigh. Huh.

It's pretty good. Because I interpreted that direction as like a sigh that's disappointing, not a sigh that indicates I'm disappointed. So it's like a sigh that's like a really bad sigh. A disappointing attempt at a sigh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. All of that is being said to Colonel Boy right now, right? So like you sigh with an asterisk and you got to explain all the asterisk stuff under it. Yeah, exactly. Natty. What? Summon your inner radish. Done.

Good job! Excellent. He pulls out a piece of paper and begins writing down while looking at you. Colonel Boy comes down from the dais and begins very closely examining each of you. Your uniforms and the way your posture is and how you're standing. He's like writing notes down on a piece of paper. Doug's sweating. Doug's sweating. Arthur stands up real straight. He looks at Doug. You hear him like, oh, sweaty as he's writing. It's because I kill a lot.

You kill a lot? These are concerned sweats.

He's just, again, each one of you looking at you and then writing down with a very concerned look on his face. I lean over to tell them, I think we're nailing it. He didn't give me a prompt. I cannot state how disappointed I am that I didn't get some weird prompt. I think yours was the dance thing? No. Everyone had that. While he's inspecting you, Toad, he looks you over, he's writing stuff down, and says, What sound do clouds make?

And then sometimes, shh, that's rain. Pods do produce rain, so it's very true. But I did, I said all of this, and I was up on his ear. Like, literally, my mouth to his ear going, shh.

Just like a private ASMR session. Yeah. Private ASMR is on C-Team. Chicken inspiration diet. That's a good one. First one.

As you were giving him his private ASMR session, the other three members of your squad can see that Colonel Boy's eyes grow wide and he lifts his left arm and points off in the distance. Fire drill! Where is he pointing? Oh, oh, oh. Can we look? Gunther runs to where he pointed to. Same. It's probably the catapult, right? Why would we be running to where he's pointing to?

fire drill yeah you uh all turn around and look and the mess hall is on fire oh is this part of the ceremony go go go i think this is part of our test guys let's go let's go is there a well from our training and stuff yes there's actually a well near the mess hall okay

To the well. And can we run to it and then look for like any sort of, I don't know. Bucket? At the well, is there like a bucket thing? Yeah, there's multiple buckets there. It's a very large well since it needs to supply the entire fort. Good, I have an idea. Pour water on me and I'll run inside really quickly and see if there's anybody in there that needs to get out. Okay. And then, yeah, get a bucket of water and pour it on them. And then I'm going to kick down the door and see and go in and say, Yoo-hoo, is anyone in here? Does anyone need rescuing?

You go in and make an investigation check. Okay. That is a 11. You don't notice anybody inside the mess hall. It appears to be empty. Okay. Then I run back out because I'm not fire resistant. Not this campaign. No one's in there. We probably still need to get the fire out. That's probably, you know, kind of vital in this situation.

Doug, I can see why you're the smart one. Well, no one's in there. I guess we're done. How big of a fire is it and where is it located on the building? It's about eight square feet in size, so it's not very big yet. It's still growing. Let's say it's like three feet by three feet and it's near one of the corners by the front door. Okay. So it's on the ground. It's not like on the roof or anything.

Correct. It appears to be starting from the ground and, of course, at the fire, proceeding up and out. We have that big catapult. We could put a bunch of water in it and launch it at the fire. Can we just grab a bucket and start throwing water? Yeah. Can we just not overthink this and just start throwing water? That works too. Get in the line and bucket down. Okay. I'll get in line with Gunther. Sure.

Yeah, same. Doug, you too? Yeah. Why don't you describe to me the order you all are in if you're making a bucket line? Like who's at the well, who are the two in the middle, and who's the person at the end actually tossing the water? I think I should be filling the water. I'm not very fast.

I don't think. So I'll fill the buckets and pass them to the next person. How about this? I'll just make a call. Doug told Natty Gunther. Yeah. Gunther's throwing it on the building. Gunther could also like put it in his mouth. You know, he's got a big frog mouth and go and blow it on the water like a hose. True. I love your creativity, but we're adding steps to something we've already got. Why don't the four of you make me a perception check? Okay.

Eleven. Eight. I also rolled an 11. Oh, six. Not good. Sorry, I'm so distracted by the fire. I can't concentrate, guys. Two 11s, a six, and an eight. Tolv and Natty, as you all are, you know, positioning yourself in the middle here of the bucket brigade, you think you hear some weird noise, like a yelping of some kind.

From where? It's hard to say. It's somewhere around you, not too far away. Does it sound like a familiar voice we've heard before? It sounds almost like an animal. Oh. Oh, no. The stakes have gotten higher. I guess Natty would start looking around for what that was. Oh, wait. We'll keep doing the buckets while you look around, Natty. I heard something. I heard something yelling. You go look for that. I'll take your position in line. I'll run with the bucket. Okay. Natty's on the hunt. Okay. We'll go

The three of you on bucket duty, make me dexterity checks to see if you're able to handle the bucket and pass it off between yourselves. Okay. Oh, man. Mine went from a 19 and rolled into a one. So the three total. 21. Good thing Tolv is in the middle.

So, yeah, you're just running empty buckets that were spilling on either side. Well, I'm probably filling them up probably badly. That's what I'm saying. It's just there's two weak links in this chain. Guys, you're killing me. Doug is pulling up mostly empty buckets of water, handing them to Toll, who then hands them to Gunther, who throws them and, like, it all falls short of the fire. It doesn't actually get to it before it's effective. Maybe it did.

order isn't working for us should we reorder and then uh try again yes fire grows another 14 square feet it continues to uh to grow okay how about you to take bucket fill duty since you seem to be really good at getting the water okay gunter why don't you take middle i'll take end should we try again uh yeah before i get to natty i'll have you guys try one more time 18 8 12.

I think Doug's sweaty hands made the bucket really hard for Tol to handle. It's full of water! It's looking better, but it's still not great. Some water is starting to make its way onto the fire and helping to slow it down, but it's still very much an out-of-control raging fire at this point.

While that's going on, Natty, something caught your attention. You heard a yelping of some kind. And so you're starting to look around, trying to figure out where it's coming from. Why don't you make me an investigation check now? You're trying to like focus down and find specifically what's going on. Ooh, first Nat 20 of the campaign. Ooh. With my investigation, that's a 19. Do you have a minus one on that? Yes, I do. So your intelligence is negative? Yeah.

Classic. Classic us. Well, as with a warlock, it's all charisma. You feel like the yelping sound, it's difficult to pin down where it's coming from because you think it's coming from below ground. You put your ear to the ground and you feel like you can hear it more clearly once you're lower to the ground. You hear almost like yelping and growling and digging coming from under your feet. I lay down on the ground and I put my face straight to the ground and I just go...

Hello? Is anybody there? Everyone look, Natty is channeling a radish. Love it. That's great. Do you feel like when you do that, it sounds like the noises stop for a moment? I start digging. Okay. Make me a, let's call it a strength check just to see how much progress you're able to make.

That's a four. The ground's pretty tough. It's sunbaked and packed down. It is, isn't it, Gus? Yeah, it's really tough to start making progress. Okay. You'll get there. It'll just take a little while. Natty stands up and like, yeah, it's like the nails aren't working quite well. Maybe Natty doesn't even like want to dig very much because it's just like, I don't want to mess with my manicure. And Natty stands up, cracks her knuckles and...

puts like both palms towards the ground and starts shooting Eldritch Blasts into the ground. Oh, that's cool. Don't hurt the thing.

What does that look like when you start Eldritch Blasting the ground? I think what Natty would do to kind of contain what's happening is Natty would literally put almost like a diamond formation with your hand and put them down on the ground and just brace with their face turned away and just shoot to make a hole in the dirt. And then assess all the dirt that left and maybe do it again if there's more to go downward.

Sure. Yeah, you begin starting to Eldritch Blast the ground. While you're doing that, why don't the four of you make me a perception check?

Ooh, better this time. 21. 23. 8. 10. So while this is going on, Natty and Doug, the two of you notice Colonel Boy is no longer in the central courtyard area in the cortege. It seems like you see him walking into the barracks. And how far are those from the, like in relation to the mess hall? It's not too far away. It's like two buildings down from where you are.

Keep the barracks and the mess hall kind of close to each other for efficiency's sake. And as you see him doing that, Natty, you finally manage to punch a hole in the ground. You see that there's a small cavern beneath. And when you look down, you see, this is a cat, so help me God. Always find a way to find a cat for John.

You look down to see a pair of eyes glaring back at you with a vicious scarlet glow. Flames ignite the cavern and you're suddenly staring at three blazing red hounds that bound out from the hole onto the surface with a thud. As they bear their fangs and growl, your training floods back into your mind with the name of these fiery fiends. Demongrels. What?

But they were like yelling? Yelping. Probably to try to get us to get them out maybe to have them attack us. I don't know. They may have started the fire because they're fire creatures. Can I use a bucket of water and throw it on one of them? You can on the next episode of Tales from the Steamy Draft.

mystery our first cliffhanger i hate already yeah this was fun i'm really i'm really getting into the groove with these uh these new characters i'm really liking where this is all going i think uh we had a lot of fun meeting uh not only you guys but some new npcs and and kind of mixing it up a bit fun stuff love it find out we're not good firefighters yeah not good firefighters don't quit your day job we're not chipanis we talk about the fire a lot and then we

throw no water on it. Badly, yeah. Find out what the fate of the fire and the demongrels and B-team is in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Bye. Bye. Bye. New episodes of Tales from the Stinky Dragon premiere every other Wednesday anywhere you stream podcasts and, of course, on the Stinky Dragon YouTube channel. Want to listen to the show 48 hours early and ad-free? Become a patron at patreon.com slash stinky dragon or become a member of Beacon at beacon.tv. Both memberships support the show and receive access to our exclusive bonus series, Second Wind, and a member-only Discord for their designated platform.

Become a patron and get access to even more exclusive bonus content, Stingy Drunk community, and Discord events, and you get your name shouted out. Just like Kristen Hulland, Canvas Monsters, Mikey3345, Arkuvin, and MadMaxime666.

These patrons directly support the show and they also get ad-free episodes, access to our patron-only Discord server, bonus content like second win and behind the screen, and much more. Again, that's patreon.com slash stinky dragon. We can't thank you enough for your support that lets us make this show. Listeners that interacted with us on the Stinky Dragon Discord had NPCs named after them in this episode, like Drill Sergeant Steel Eye, named after Sergeant Steel 82. I was just talking with him on Discord the other day. He was so surprised to see the NPC named after him. Private A-OK Oak Ray, named after Oak.

Private Classic Lastic, named after Dirk, voiced by Kerry Shawcross. Private Drano Candranos, named after Candranos. Private Mess Mestra, named after Creative and voiced by Ash Ouellette, at F-A-F-N-Y-R-R. Colonel Jonathan Boyee, named after Jonathan Boyee, voiced by Armando Torres. Check out his show over at MidnightSnack.tv. Priestess Chess, named after Transient Day, voiced by Katie Ward, at F-A-F-N-Y-R-R.

Katie Ward. This week's Arrow question was submitted by GhostGamer5210. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Ben Ernst and written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger with additional editing work by Catherine Arnold. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. ...