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This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are your self-care non-negotiables? Maybe you never skip leg day or maybe therapy day.
When your schedule is packed with different things like kids activities, work projects, maybe listening to a podcast, it's easy to let your priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's hard to make time for it. But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever. I think everyone agrees that therapy is beneficial for a whole host of things, whether that's learning coping skills or setting boundaries. I think it can help empower you
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This is a Rooster Teeth production. Good day to all you devas. Soar on into the stinky dragon, knock back our latest latte. Peanut butter angelic. Mmm, some mixture of gourmet peanut bludger. Two shots of healing touch espresso. A spoonful of ethically treated cream. And topped with chain-shaped grape syrup. Mmm. Mmm.
One drop of this divine drink is enough to spring your wings while singing at a wing ding. Previously, our adventurers uncovered clues corresponding to Carol's demise. Then they caught up on correspondence via cockatrice. Finally, they were visited by strange visions in their sleep. Pour yourself a potation and proceed with this pungent potboiler. ♪
Hello everyone, welcome to Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I'm your Dungeon Master, Gustavo Sorolla. I'm going to hit our fellow players with an arrow. What is happening? I hate this. Alright, thanks for listening everyone. It's called Yes And. We did it. Barb started it. Barb started it. Alright, what is your character's favorite time of day?
I feel like everyone's cross the board night. It's gotta be, right? No. Hi, I'm Chris Damaris. Hello, Chris Damaris. Woo, Chris! Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris
is sunrise when the sun's peeking out and it's brightening the day and the night's over and you get started a brand new day. I also wake up pretty early. I wake up at about, you know, 4 a.m. every morning. That's early. Well, I also go to bed at 6 p.m.
Not so early. It's hard for our party to travel. He's the worst Twilight monk ever. He goes to bed before Twilight. Twilight, it's 6 p.m. Maybe it's winter. It's like the end of the day for him. It's Twilight. He's done. That's my preferred schedule. Yeah, like when does old man end and cleric begin, you know? Because old men and, you know, going to bed early and having the, you know, early bird dinner and all that stuff. But cleric...
Twilight Clare should be up at night. The sun comes out and the evil things go away and the day begins. I don't like you looking at me when you're saying these things. Welcome to my life. He's always like, hey. This is going to be one of those references that five people will get. There'll be one person in this room who will get it. You sound like Charlie Brown at the beginning of the Charlie Brown Broadway musical. He starts off the whole musical being like,
oh it's such a good day the sun's coming out nothing bad can happen it's a very charlie brown moment it's a charlie brown musical it's great it's a christian chenoweth it's like a basically premiere thing that she was she was sally i want there to be a musical for this someone should make a stinky dragon musical that would be with micah of course if only we had a musician we've already gotten puppets and so musicals would be the other like biggest like who would play us
I want to be in it, but I don't want to be me. This is a different era. Yeah, this is a different era. Stay there. Well, hello. I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I play Elga. Yeah, main character. Okay, Elga Von Brass. Star of Campaign 2 of Stinky Dragon Adventures. I play the female barbarian half-elf vampire. I did a different order this time. Yeah. Yeah.
And, um, sorry, Elga's still waking up here. Um, Elga's favorite time to nobody's surprise is the middle of the night. It's very peaceful. Most people are asleep. Barney's asleep. Um, yeah, just get to, uh, just enjoy my time and, you know, hang out. Not upside down necessarily, but you know, I enjoy the middle of the night.
That's good to know. I think everyone prefers the time when they can get away from Barney for a little while. What?
Oh, no, no, no. You're not supposed to be here. I mean, that starts at 6 p.m. We're good. Just in time for primetime television. Want me to go next? No, no, no. I'll go next. Hold your horsies. Sorry. Sorry. That came off really aggro. No, it's fine. You're good. I don't think saying horsies could ever be aggro. Hold your horsies. From our horse girl. Hey, it's me, local horse girl, Blaine Gibson. Woo! Woo! Horse girl. I want to run away. Uh,
I play Chip Haney's a tiefling rogue. He's a level seven. And my favorite time is about the hours between four 30 to five 30 AM. I fail like that is the optimal time to hide a dead body, but you got to watch out. You got to watch out for a couple of things. You got to watch out for,
you got to watch out for joggers. Got to watch out for Barneys, old people. But that, I mean, I find that that's a good time to hide the corpses because no one's up. You know, that's too late to be up partying. It's too early to be up working out. Perfect time for hiding bodies. Could you use like Barneys to help you hide the bodies? Yeah, you could be like, hey there, old gentleman, sir, can you help me carry this body?
Large carpet. Because they're just happy to have attention, right? Right. They just want to talk. They don't care what they're doing. Now I want a remake of Bodies, Bodies, Bodies, but it's Barney's Barney's Barney's. I'll tell you for a fact, you can carry a body bag through the city in the middle of the day. People don't care. Oh, yeah. You did that on your show, Social Disorder, right? I remember. I forgot about that. I was like early Rooster Teeth days filming that, and I just remember just like...
Yeah, that's a social experiment show you could see on roosterteeth.com, a production company that we work for. Go check it out. I have to take my jacket off. I just got shivers thinking about that show. What's the climate like in Wisconsin? Is it cold? Because if it's cold, that makes it hard to bury bodies. Oh, yeah. It's real frigid this time of year. The ground's hard. Yeah, yeah. You get real good at digging and snow plowing, though. It's fine. The bodies, you know, you can look for the lakes. Yeah, so what about out on the lake? You can carve like a... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Do some quote unquote ice fishing. Yeah. Okay. I get it now. Okay. So confused. What? What are you guys talking about? Disposing bodies. Oh, ice fishing. Yeah. You cut a hole, drop them down. Drop them down. And then someone else will find it. Yeah. We should stop talking about that.
My name's John Reisinger. I play Matty Confucius. He's the Arakok Green Ghost Monk. And it's interesting. Yeah, I thought that most of the times that people would say would be the evening, but I'm going to be with the gentleman here. Of course, as a baker, I like the mornings. Oh, man.
It's the time to get all of your preparation going on, get all of the bread and treats and things for your patisserie completed. And it's very nice. Alongside other reasons, the morning is also when there's not very many people around and I get to be alone, you know, just with my cupcakes and muffins and all of that. I read like a Reddit post or something once and it was talking about how like
crazy hours when it's really late and you're kind of sleepy, just remember there's a baker jamming to music and just in their zen making cupcakes or whatever. And I was like, oh, that puts me at peace. It was just such a nice image. I really liked everyone's answers because they're all in the morning and I'm at night. So nice alone time for Elga. Yeah. Yeah. Unless I wake you up and I say, hey, kiddo, let's go. We got berries to body. Whatever. Berries to body. Yeah.
to buy these berries. Just slam into a bunch of raspberries. Oh, yuck. Chip, you find the silver pin that Carol gave you with an S wrapped around the scabbard. The pin shimmers across your eyes and you hear a sword unsheathed. You feel a new memory pop into your head. I'm back from the markets. Honey, do you mind helping me unload? A little early for a nap, sweetheart, don't you think? Did you think that you could hide from us?
You know we're always connected. No illusions can conceal your true nature to us. Besides, you have work to do. Talon isn't finished with you. The infamous killer, Karol Kino. Or is it Shivey? I always get those two mixed up. What do you want? Word is, you're the assassin that can handle any hit, no matter what the stakes.
Well, let me tell you, the stakes couldn't be higher, my dear. Wouldn't you agree, Chip? Stop. I'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt him. Oh, that's splendid news. See, ladies, I told you we'd all be fast friends. So who's your target? Let's just say I've been meaning to discuss some rather grave issues with our clan leaders, starting with Lorenza Wolfman.
Oh, that reminds me. Since we're friends and all, I brought you a gift. I had it handmade just for you. Call it an insurance policy. In case you change your mind when the time comes, this little belt will help us keep an eye on you and let us know if you're... coloring outside the line. Are you? Of course! How rude of me! You can call me... Eddie! Oh!
So Chip, you remember this. You know it's a memory from Carol's mind. That unlocked in your head. So you have access to that. You have access to our memories. So where are we now? Are we still waking up? Yeah, you're still in the hut. As far as I know, unless you tell me otherwise. Barney's checking out his hut. Like, maybe there's a leak.
Like a gas leak? That's crazy dreams. Okay, so, you know, we all had those crazy dreams, right? Good morning, rise and shine. Barney, Barney, wake up. There's a hut.
Anywho, we all have messed up dreams. You know the pendant that I got from Carol? Well, it kind of like snapped a memory into my noggin. And I think Carol killed the Wolfman. I think she was forced to assassinate because the hags and Eddie put her up to it. Why would she frame you?
I don't think she... Knowing my wife, she would not have intended to frame me, Barney.
Well, what's happened? I think that's very weird, Bonnie, too. That's so odd. Or us. Who is she working with? The Hag sisters, which were... It was Shivey. It was... Sketch? Sketch and... Oh, no, Sketch. And Shirock. And Shirock. Sketch and Shirock, who I guess are technically my sister-in-laws, but I don't like them so much. The tracks. And... Oh.
Oh, well, that's not to no surprise whatsoever to any of us. No, not at all. But also that that that kind of tracks, you know, knowing what happened to her before she passed through the veins and stuff. I think that that is indeed connected to Eddie. Then that's like confirmation right there. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I really don't like that Eddie guy.
Oh, hot take from Matit here. Wow. I try to watch my words very carefully, but, you know, I can't help it. He's not a good guy. I mean, yeah, I'd kill him on sight. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I will go do my breathing. Everyone make me a perception check.
-Seven. -Eleven. -Seven. -24. Barney, with the clutch perception check there. Barney, as you look around and as you're talking with everyone, you feel like a voice is missing in this discussion. You look down and notice that the alchemist is still asleep. On top of that, you notice that Gigi is out and about licking the alchemist's face while he's still asleep. What about Stinker? Stinker is also still asleep. He's doing that little thing where he's kicking his leg.
Oh, he's asleep. Who's the alchemist? Did we wake them up? Did we wake them up? Or are we leaving? I wonder if the alchemist had dreams like we did. Yeah, I'll wake him up. Alarm! Alarm!
Alarm! Alarm! Alarm! He like shoots up straight up. You go straight from laying down to standing up. There's like no in between. It's like a cartoon. Canonically, that's just how he wakes us up every morning. You know, the alchemist looks around and like touches his face, which is still kind of like moist and sticky from all the licking. And he looks at you all's face and says, Oh, I see I wasn't the only one he licked.
Like this? Yeah, you all realize now that your faces, you have saliva, cat saliva on your forehead. Have you guys been actually licked by a cat? I don't think that you'd sleep through something like that. Getting licked by a cat is one of the worst things. I'm wondering if the cat knew something bad was going on with us and was trying to wake us up. Or causing something bad. Oh, no, I don't like that insinuation of my cat. Matty, does your cat have like some type of toxic...
Saliva. Saliva. Licky, licky. I don't even think he has saliva. He's incorporeal. And yet, you have a little bit of saliva on your forehead. That's very interesting. Did you all have any strange dreams?
I had one of the worst dreams. Yes. Terrible dreams. Sad. Bad. Yeah, it was weird. I didn't like it. I did. Everyone ignored me. You did. Oh, I thought you meant you did like it. You mean you did have a dream. I had a bad dream. Okay. Everyone just ignored me. Well, anyways. That's the worst insult you can do to a boomer.
Can Matide... Sorry, I was trying to act like I was ignoring Barney. It was great. It was so good. Can Matide pick up Gigi and kind of turn around from the group and maybe walk to the edge of the hut or something and just like, do you have something you want to tell me? If there's something you need to shout, you can do it right now. I'm just imagining you holding a cat. Right up to Matide's face. And just trying to have this little...
It's all right. Do you have a secret? Do you want to tell me something? It's just right now is the time. Zone of truth. Gigi's face gets real close. Oh, I do not trust this anymore. What did he tell you? Nothing. Oh. Can I try an animal handling check or some sort of medicine check to examine said pet? Mati, do you mind if I... Hey, that's a cute cat. Hey, Gigi, it's your uncle Chip. Didn't you fail your last animal handling check with Gigi? No. Stay.
Animals love chipping. I think that's what it was. Listen, I've had a rough couple, I've had a rough week. I need to pet that cat, if you don't mind. That's the creepiest way to ask to touch someone's pet. Roll. Okay, all right, all right. It's me. There it is. Dang it. God.
Yeah, Gigi just, like, looks at you with that, like, blank cat stare, just, like, looking straight into your eyes. Gigi's neutered. I will tell you this. Gigi technically comes from the Australian plain and is an incorporeal creature, so there might be some mystery involved with this little kitty. Can I, like, investigate or, like, look at the saliva, the spit on her? You're just, like, trying in general to look at it? Yeah, see if, like...
I don't know if it's like a different type of substance or like, I don't know. CSI Elga. Make an investigation check. I'm going to look at it close up. So that would be with advantage, which would be...
14. You take a real close look at it, and nothing seems out of the ordinary about it other than the fact that, like Matide mentioned, Gigi is kind of from the astral plane, or Australian plane. So it's unusual that you would have saliva like this. Could I make a check, Mr. Dungeon Mister? Yes. With my feat that gives me perfect recollection of the past, could I see if there might have been something I missed about when Jack...
gave me, Gigi? Like anything that maybe in the moment would have seemed, I don't know, off or special or different? You were not given any extra information or anything that would lead you to know more about this. However, you do recall that this saliva seems reminiscent of that purple fluid you've encountered before. Ah.
Wait, but that came... Where did that come from? That was like pools of it by the dragon in the Australian plane. No. No? We've encountered it well before that. You first encountered it at the pools with the dragon, but then you encountered it again on the Australian plane. So... Then that cat's a dragon!
Punch! I punched the nose. It was in the Australian plane. Australian. And I didn't put more of it. You got some with your mage hand, and you tried to drop it on Matide during your combat. Oh, that's right. No, but that's... Oh, you're right. Wait, so was Gigi putting us to sleep then?
I don't know. This is a new cat to me. I don't really know. You know, my experience thus far in cats is that they are very strange. But also that doesn't, from my recollection, that doesn't inherently bring out bad dreams and memories. Maybe it's something we have to dream about. It seems to be a memory-inducing liquid, like thoughts and memories and unlocking stuff. Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what'd you dream about, Alchemist? It's all so fuzzy. Uh-huh. Henry followed me into work one day. That's what you say, like Henry Ford. Not Henry Fonda. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. That happened. We almost stabbed him. Yeah, yeah. You what? No, he's fine. Henry's fine. You saw Henry. He and Frank Esker are fine. Do you remember how long ago that was?
If it was last night. I mean... But what? Was the dream of something that you recall happening in real life? No, I don't recall that ever happening. Unless it was a dream of something that did happen that you weren't aware that happened because you were just unaware of it happening.
Maybe. That makes so much sense. Well, because, like, my dream was that I... Sorry, I'm still tired. My dream was that I was asleep, but something was happening in my house while I was asleep. So maybe this isn't so much a dream that you've perceived, but something that's happened around you. It's like a security camera. Yeah. That captured the moment that you're unaware of. Exactly. Mine never happened. It's your recollection. Oh.
Barney, what did we eat for lunch yesterday? I think that was Chris. Now I'm looking at Chris's face as he reacted to that. Barney, what did we eat for lunch yesterday? Was it crackers? Now rest my case. Perhaps we should make our way up to Vania. But you said it was weird dreams. What about that was weird? That I could see as Henry.
It was almost as if I was perceiving things from his perspective. Oh. Well, let's explore that further. What happened in the dream? He was following you to work and what else? And get dot, dot, dot. It's really hard to remember.
Maybe if I'd woken up slowly, I could recall my dream, but something shocked me awake. Strange. I don't know what it was. I don't either. It was very alarming. Yeah. Well, I promise that the others will still pay more attention to you next time. What? What?
That seemed almost threatening. No, no, sorry. That was Barney talking to stinkers. Because everyone's paying all this attention to Juju. Juju. Juju. Come here, Juju. Everyone's like... Bad Juju. Everyone's hanging out, like, talking to Juju. Juju? Juju? Juju. What is it? Juju. Juju.
Try it with a softer G. G-G. Yeah, like, there you go. G-G. G-G. It's the pronunciation of the letter J in the French language. G. Because his name is JJ. G. G. How did you write this down? G-E-A-H. G-E-A-H. As phonetically as I could. Okay. G-E-A-H. We'll see. We'll see. Where's Gagga? Anyway, that was just Barney, because...
Everyone was like... But you started talking to Stinker out of nowhere. Yep. So we might not have gotten to the bottom of this mystery with the cat and stuff, but at least we know if, you know, in the future we need to like, I don't know, interrogate someone. We'll just squeeze Mateed's cat and he'll barf the thing on it. Yuck.
You know, because we got the mystery fluid. An endless amount of purple goo from Gigi. Yeah, if your cat starts drooling or bathing itself, we're going to need you to bottle that up there, Mateed. We just need you to scoop it and put it into a nice glass jar. Let me read on touch it. You people are strange. I have to say this. We're talking about bottling the saliva of a kitty. I don't understand you. With a kitty, it's magic saliva. Maybe we should get going.
Yes, let's. The village of Vania is only a few hours up the ridge. Should we be cautious? Is there danger? Oh, ask Elga. You're from here. I will use my danger sense. Oh, so Elga's leading the way. Obviously. That's a great segue. What is the marching order for this? Elga first. I'm not fighting this time. I'll go behind. Chip, why would you like to be in the marching order? Just be in the back, kind of moping, because my wife is dead.
All right. That was a bit of a heavy response. Yeah, well, you know, it's what happens when family dies. Elga, Barney, Mateed, Chip. Yes. Yeah, but Chip by like 20 feet, though. Actually, can I be back with Chip?
So I want to have a combo. Congratulations, Blaine. So you want Mateed second and Barney third? Blaine says in character, Chip wants alone time, he's like 20 feet behind everybody. Hey, I see your risk. You're mourning the loss of your wife. That's major little brother energy right there. And we'll have the alchemist between Mateed and Barney in the center of the party. Okay. Okay.
You all embark up the craggy black mountain and hike with the morning sun warming your backs. But as you climb higher and higher, daylight slowly begins to fade faster than normal. After the better part of a day, you'll finally reach a ledge just below the summit. Why doesn't everyone go ahead and roll me a perception check? Can I also have a quick little sidebar with Chip? Sure, you want to do that, I guess, before we get to the perception checks? If that's okay. Yeah. So I was like...
Chip, I made you something. Oh, yeah? I like to do carpentry carving things in my spare time. And I hand him a little, like, a little... I don't know what you call it. Like a thing, a memory thing. A thing. Like for Carol. Chip and Carol. A memory thing for you and Carol. I carved a little, like...
Like a keepsake? Yeah, a little... Like a heart? Yeah, like a heart. A keychain? Like, name a shape? I feel like everyone's thinking of Chris, actually. I'm watching everybody, it's like, Chris hasn't actually said what it is. So what is it, Chris? Summarize for us. It's a wooden thing with two hearts, and one says, like, next to each other, and one says, Chip, and one says, Carol, and it says, love is forever. And then I say, this is for you. Also, yeah. Yeah.
And what does Chip do? When he said two wooden, I just want to clarify. When you say two wooden things, what are the things? Okay. I was going to say, I kind of didn't want him to explain because I just wanted the community then to just have to draw this. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. But it's fine. Chip takes it and is very sincerely like looking it over and like, that's,
very thoughtful of you, Barney. Because I think Chip, well, no, no, in all seriousness, Chip would recognize like every single stroke of the blade and all the carvings that's like, that's, I'm holding hours of work that my friend put into this thing. It is very thoughtful and Chip will stow it in his bum bag. And then I also made you this. Oh, okay. And it's a wooden stick. A wooden stick. Delicious. No, I think, oh, it's... What does the wooden stick say on it? Steak.
Use on elegant in case of emergency. No, no, no. What is this for? Protection. Against?
Oh, all right. Chris just shrugged his shoulders. It's an audio podcast. Knowing the place that we're going into and that there's vampires around, I'm going to just like, okay, we're going to stick that in there. And I put it in the bum bag as well. I didn't mean to laugh at your precious moment. The thought just entered my mind when I laughed that you didn't describe the scale of it. And so what I imagined was Barney handing over this like four foot wide...
anatomically correct wooden hearts. Two of them. The two things. Thing is such a vague word. Maybe, can I, can I, can I, maybe this, instead of two hearts, it's two dagger blades crossed. And once it's Chip and once it's Carol. Just retcon the entire. Is that okay? Is that better? Yeah,
Whichever. The sentiment still stands from Chip that that's like a very thoughtful thing. And yeah. So I'll stow that in the bag. What a wonderful, precious moment. Mike is shaking his head at me. Barney, go ahead and roll that perception check. Let's get it right on the same page. I rolled a 23. I think I rolled a 13. Or 12. I rolled a 12. 17 from Barney. All right. We'll start with the low ones here. Chip and Mateed both got a 12, a.k.a. the perception pals.
Just the team names just keep coming. Yeah. Well, first of all, in general, you know, it's surprising how fast the day has passed since it's nearly nightfall at this point. And the trail seems to narrow just ahead. And nestled amongst some large black rocks is a well built of red stones. Barney, maybe it's the altitude, but every now and then you swear you can hear something scurrying and you can see shadows in your peripheral vision.
Elga always destroying the perception checks in the distance beyond you can start to make out buildings made of wood you said the well is in our path made of red stone yeah
It's like, you know, y'all are coming up on it here pretty quickly. And, you know, you see some large black stones surrounding a deep well made of red stones. Like gemstones or like brick? Oh, I guess they're stones. So volcanic in nature? I don't know. You make me a wisdom check. I shall do one too. About to waste your time. Here we go. Use my perception bow. 13. That's a four. So let's go with chip. Woof.
So in general, as you've been traveling, you know, up this mountain, I believe in the last episode, the alchemist referred to it as Mount Ignis, that, you know, in general, all of the stones here are black. And so you can tell that these red stones are obviously different, but it's not that they're gems. It seems like upon closer inspection or as you're getting closer, they're almost more like stained. Oh, wow.
God, that's blood. That's blood. What are you talking about? Elga, welcome home. Is this like a blood well? Do they know I'm from here? Have I said that? Or do they just know that? I think you said it. Yeah. Okay. Plus, you got that letter in the last episode. Right. Okay. Um, you know, guys, I think it might be time I tell you something. I... Okay. Okay.
I'm a vampire. What? No. Yeah. But what? How? You, I just thought you just liked blood. You knew, didn't you? I might've had a clue. Okay. Have you been feeding off of us? No, not without your consent. Chip recognizes that that might be a touchy subject for Barney. So he's going to kind of like position himself. Barney's like that, like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to position myself in a way to maybe diffuse the situation if it happens. Barney, I never touch you, I promise. What are your intentions? To help everyone and solve the murder trial that we are trying to figure out. That's it, right? By sucking the life out of us? Out of other people?
people who are evil. So vampires only suck the life out of people who are evil? I'm not saying that I am representing all vampires, you know? Not all vampires, Barney. Okay? Common phrase.
I should let you all know, we're about to go into Vania, you might have to figure out some things about me and I want you to hear from me first, okay? And why haven't you told us before now? Well, because of how you're reacting, Barney. You don't seem to have a great, you know, vibe towards the undead and, you know, justifiably so. You've had some traumatic experiences, but like, we know Elga. We've been traveling together for so long, she's friends. We love Elga, right? Right.
Right? This isn't, it doesn't change who she is just because, you know, she's a vampire. That's like, you know, it's fine. Stelga. Did you not think it was odd that she turned into a bat like yesterday? Yeah. Yeah, I thought that would be a pretty good boy. Remember when she like fell on the ground in Carcassouk and just started like licking blood off of the meat floor? Yeah. Wait, I have a question. You know I'm dead, right? You know I'm not alive. What?
I had my suspicions. I'll say that. A picture of Barney doing the wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I had my suspicions. Yes. But I... You know that Chip is a dragon, actually, right? What? That's a lie. I was about to be really surprised, actually. I do feel like ghosts tend to not... They don't...
Kill? They are... I mean, I mean... I mean, but you know... They don't drain the life? Every type of creature kills. We all have our past, you know. It's just a matter of there's good...
and there's bad people. Yeah. And there's bad humans and good humans and bad vampires, good vampires. I got to say that you were very against your new dog when he came around, but it seems just a second ago you really cared about that dog and really wanted it to be included. Yeah. I,
I don't like the dog. Can I do an insight check on that? Yeah, I want to do an insight on that too. And could I cover Stinker's ears when he said that? Sure. It's okay, Stinker. He didn't mean it. Okay. 14. Yeah, that's a 23. I know that that is a lie, my little clown. How do we resolve that? Does Chris have to enroll deception? He can. I have to leave that up to the player. It's whether or not he's...
Deceiving, like how honest is he being with that sentiment? I rolled a four. Yep. Yeah, so if you are attempting to deceive, they know that's not true. I think at this point, Barney's warmed up to stinker. A bit. Quite a bit. Well, you've been around Elga quite longer than that little puppy. And we're talking about like the evil of, you know, the undead and how they kill and murder. Bro, I'm alive and kicking. I have killed so many people. So you wouldn't even imagine how many people I've ended their lives. He can't stop.
You can't stop talking about all the things he's killed. Exactly. But you don't... Do you kill women and children? Children, no. Women, if they're bad. I don't discriminate. Feminist. I'm an equal opportunity murderer. Do you go into people's houses? Do you...
Attack people's homes. Kill their families. Well, not entire families. I'm not a family annihilator. But on the job, you know, I have to do all sorts of bad things. Because I think what I'm gathering from this, Barney, did the vampire kill your family? No, they didn't. No? They took them. Oh. Oh, that's right. That's right. So we've talked about this in the past because we've seen the flashback. Was that, you said undead. I thought it was zombies, but was it vampires? Yeah.
It's vampires. Vampires. Oh. I can't remember. I guess this is me speaking meta. Do you remember what the type? In my head canon, it was always vampires. There we go. Oh, cool.
Oh, no. You know, what I learned is that the best way to get over a fear is like exposure. So let's just shove Elga in his face often every once in a while. I thought you were going to say, let's go to, let's go to Vania. Yeah. Why did you, why did you become a vampire? I didn't want to, Barney. You know, things happen. I don't, so many years ago, it was kind of beyond my control. I didn't choose this.
I wasn't born this way. Well, actually, you know, because I am a suspicious, how old are you? You know, I've lost count. Like Dracula or...
Somewhere in the range of 164 to 322. Oh. Somewhere in there. Wow. It's mildly inaccurate of an estimation. Once you get past like 150, you kind of lose count. It becomes annoying to count the days. Yeah. That's terrible. I'm sorry. Do you like your life as a vampire? I mean...
There are some upsides for sure, but, you know, every now and then I get a little bit of a weird look or, you know, people don't want me to come into their home unless I ask them to and then they need to give me permission and sometimes it doesn't work and then I have to just sit outside the home and it's very lonely. That's very sad. You were forced into it. Yeah, I guess so. At this point, I think the alchemist would step in and says, You know, Bonnie...
If you wish, we can talk about this in the safety and the comfort of the Thay Asylum once we're back in Natural City. A tiny hut! Is that the alchemist saying that we should put Barney in the insane place? No, no, no. It's not that it's an insane place. It's just a place to help people.
Oh, okay. That seems like something someone would say when they're putting them in the insane place. No, there's nothing wrong with it. There's no implication about that at all. It's just the alchemist genuinely wishing to help. Just put on this jacket, Barney. It's fitted for you. Okay, gang, we got a mission ahead of us. And Elga probably wants to go, you know, look around there. Probably haven't been home in a while. Barney, are you good? Barney!
I promise I would never cause you or anyone you love harm. And you are safe with me, okay? And I promise I will help you find the answers you are looking for. You can trust me. I think Barney looks really torn and sad and nods without looking at Elga. Elga also realizes her sippy cup of satiation is poking out of her pocket. She kind of shoves it back in.
Nothing to look at here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Barney. Okay, why don't we just call it truce for now, okay? You can trust me. Okay. Elga, thanks for sharing that with us. You're welcome. And I'm sorry if you are disturbed by this very shocking news.
It's a total shock. It's going to be on the front page of the newspaper tomorrow. I've knowns the entire time. What are you all talking about? This is the weirdest conversation. I like the idea of Matee just being silent the whole time. He'd be like, yeah, I knew the whole time. Mail files in the corner. Did you know? Huh? Did you know? I had my suspicions, but you know.
We live in a weird place in a weird time, you know? You just got to open your mind up, Barney. You know, get with it. It's all right. People are different. They come from different backgrounds. And not everyone is bad. You know, my wife catfished me, turns out. She was a hag the whole time, but I still love her to death. Well, she is dead. You still love her. Too soon. Too soon. Yeah, too soon. Anyways, shall we just continue on the...
Tovania? Yeah, there's weird shadows around us. Should we investigate this world?
Yeah, why not? Or is it more of just like the fact that we discovered it was blood? Should we throw something in and make a wish? You can take a look around. What's in? Have we even looked in the well? No. I'd like to look in the well. There you go. Go make an investigation check for me. It's filled with ink. Start to derail with a... No, these are like sweet character moments. Yeah, I've been over here messaging with Micah like, I know we need to move along, but this is like really good role play and like really good character development. Like I don't want to step in and squash it.
21, nat 20. Ooh, look at you. You know, as you look around a little closer, you can tell that indeed the red stones are stained with some kind of liquid. Is it blood maybe? And the well is seemingly fathomless, perhaps as deep as the mountain. And you think you can hear something deep inside the well, maybe something slightly high pitched. It's really hard to make out. Like a ringing sound or does it change in pitch so it could be like something from a creature? Is it bats? I'll say it's almost like
tinnitus, like a really high-pitched whine. From down in the well? Yeah, he asked that same question. It's okay, Chris doesn't listen. I'm just messing. What? What's your old? I do have a question. Barney, you have so many little magic tricks. It's very cute when you do them. Does any of them, are they able to produce light? Would we be able to send something down into the well to see what this is?
Yeah. It might end up angering whatever is making that sound. That's horrifying. I have fairy fire. Each object in a 20-foot cube within range is outlined in blue, green, or violet.
Any creature in the area with spells cast is also Owl in Light. So I could do that. We could, like, put some, like, cast something. Just Fairy Fire Glow, Gustavo? I believe it creates a faint outline, if I remember right. I'm looking at it. I'm about to pull it up on a character sheet here. Something that would stand out in a dark abyss? I believe it's supposed to be really faint. How deep is this well? You said seemingly. Seemingly fabulous, perhaps as deep as the mountain. Oh, my gosh.
Okay, I didn't know. Because there's like light and stuff like that. I don't know what spells clerics have access to. I could always like turn into a bat and go look down there. Oh, that's scary. But it would be my one use of it. Well, I mean, is this the end of our destination or is this just like on the way to Vania? Like is Vania further up? It's further up. One of you, I think Elga perhaps saw some buildings. I did see someone.
up there. Are the wood houses like normal wood or are they also stained? Could I tell? It's so far away. You can barely see it and you're the only one who can see it because you have your keen eyesight. Maybe we put a little pin in this well and investigate the village. Elga puts an actual pin on the surface of the well.
Is the, can we tell if the red and black is just like fresh blood and dried blood? Or is it like, is the black just black and the red is blood? So the stones in general on this mountain are black. Okay.
Okay. So they've appeared just like regular stone. Okay. Whereas the red is maybe is that black stone just covered in blood or something. Could I investigate it to see if it is blood? Yeah, sure. Did we already do that? No, but you can. You make an investigation check on it. Okay.
with advantage because I'm close up? Yes, and I would also say just in general because Elga might have some familiarity with blood. I will do that 20 on my advantage. It does definitely seem like blood. I think I made a mistake and I've sent Chris down a rabbit hole of looking at all his spells because that...
I'm looking over and Chris has just been looking like he is studying the SATs at his computer. I'm like, I know exactly what that boy's doing right now. He's looking through spells. He's looking for a light spell. And he's going to miss everything we're saying because I sent his little brain down that hole. That well we're looking at, that's where Chris's brain is.
I like your picture. His brain just came out of his skull and went straight down the well down to the bottom. You know, we're going to be going into a village of people that probably know exactly what's at the bottom of this. And we could just ask them. So I say we boogie. The time is of the essence. Is that what it is? Yes. That pretty sounds weird in my brain. No, that's correct. Okay.
I mean, I don't know, I just... I hear a lot of phrases. That seems to be correct. Matide proceeds! Yeah, alright. Chip falls. We all go. As you all try to pass by the well and press on, six humanoid bats emerge from the well. And block your path. Each of them wearing red robes. See? Okay. This teaches us...
just investigate everything. Don't move along. Just stop. And you want us to move along, Gus, and now you've taught us. We are the Sferatu. All sentient creatures that wish to intervene must first make a blood oath to uphold divine vows. You just had to do another Sferatu. This is great. Barney pulls out a wooden stake and... No, no, no, Barney, no, no. Put it down.
They're not necessarily violent, so we don't have to maybe try to incite anything here. They're asking for blood! Yeah, but that's like a custom here. Don't you have like a lot of it? I feel like you have a body that just produces it constantly. Why do you need it all? Mateed the ghost being like, you got a bite full of blood. It's not a big deal, Barney. It's fine. This is their home. We're going to follow their traditions. It's...
What's veratu? My name Elga. I'm actually from here, so we're just coming to visit. Make a perception check for me, Elga. Oh, I thought he was going to do like a charisma thing. 16. Yes, vino. And they point at the palm of your hand. What's in the palm of my hand? On the palm of your hand, a sigil has appeared. It's the shape of a red blood drop, and inside is the outline of a white upside-down triangle. Oh, we saw that on... The belt. The belt. Belt.
So it like kind of, it wasn't on my hand before, but ever since coming into Vania's on? Correct. It has now appeared in the palm of your hand. Okay. Well, I guess I don't need to convince you.
And I hold it up. You may pass. These are my friends. They're coming to visit. Yeah, do we have like a guest pass or like a day pass? Yes, de blado. What does that entail? All you have to do is repeat after me. Oh, that's easy. And offer blood. That's not as easy. To develop. Oh, okay.
Alright, let's go! Just, Maddy, it's not like they're asking you- They're not asking to feed on you. They're not- They're not asked to die, right? They're asking you to, uh, just offer some blood to the well. Okay. Alright, well. Okay, well, remember how we said we'd put the pin in it? Why don't we just use the pin to- Now put the pin in you! Yeah. Do you guys need me to help you?
Matty, do you make blood? I do not. Even spiritual blood will do. What is spiritual blood? Play along with me. That looks rotten. What is spiritual blood? What?
That was the best. Yep. Oh, okay. I got some spit. I thought this might have been like a combative moment, but nope. Okay. Sure. Before we do the vow, how is everyone going to draw blood and offer it to the well? I would say the arm blade of blurbling, but I realized it has poison effect, so I don't want to poison myself. Do you want me to help you, Chip?
Okay, give me your finger. All right, here we go. And Elga just like puts one of her little teeth right at the tip of the finger. Oh, that's nice. Okay, now drop it. Okay, what do I say? Okay, well, what about everyone else? How's everyone else? Hey.
handling that. Now we can all do the vow together. Oh, I was going to say Barney would go. Unless you want to watch Chip do it first. Yeah, I think Barney would go last and see what happens. Munteed, do you want to do it with Chip or would you rather go later like Barney? Let's do it now. It'd be a bonding moment. Yeah, I'll do it now. It's no big deal to me. Munteed takes their talon and
and like, just like awkwardly, like takes their one talent, scratches their leg, puts that talent down and just puts that leg over the well. - I figured you were gonna roughhouse a ZZ a little, you know how invariably a kitten will scratch you or like draw a little bit of blood. - I feel like my team would just stand there like arms crossed and just do this with their legs. - Yeah. - And just put their leg over the well and be like. - Immobile upper half. - Yeah. - What do I say? - Repeat after me. - Repeat after me. - Very good. - Very good. - I state your name.
I'm a shitpump PC. Swear under pain of death. Swear under pain of second death. Vast infamy.
Whilst in Vania, I shall adhere to the Vanian vows under-mentioned. I shall adhere to the Vanian vows under-mentioned. No one may enter the vampspire unless invited by Count Dracula. No one may enter the vampspire unless invited by Count Dracula. No vampire may travel outside of Vania unless permitted.
Except for by Trout Dracula
No silver Unless you get a doctor's note from Count Dracula So uh Chip on the tip of your finger and Mateed on your foot that same sigil that's on Elga's palm appears there Oh that's cool Neat Cool ink Tattoo Look we're twins High five Mateed High five with my foot Alright let's go How do you draw blood for the well? I just did What'd you do? I did it with them
No. Can I see your end? Yeah. Could I do... Also, I'm a little bit worried because it said November may travel outside by Indiana's permitted by Count Dracula. I don't know if I got permission from Count Dracula. I assume so. They seem like this is, you know, binding. I will say your father in the letter seemed aware of you leaving. Because he did send me to go check out the Peace Parade. That's right. That's right.
I just feel like Barney would want to do this. I don't think Barney would do this. I just want to see. Are you just trying to essentially lie and say you did it? Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how... Yeah, if you come up with a compelling way and make some deception checks, we can play with that. This kind of reminds me of... When Bart tried to get into... The Infinite Campaign. As like a dragonborn. Yeah, go check it out. How many there? There's four of them? Six of them. Six of them. Okay. And now, since it's not a group...
All eyes are on you Barney. Yeah, look at me Barney, show me your hand. Alright, well Barney shows his hand. I don't know why it didn't show up. Mateed pecks his hand. Oh! As he's holding it over the wall. Okay, that was easy. Now just say the words.
Yeah, a little bit of blood trickles out. Could Barney like say the words, but not like kind of like fingers crossed behind his back or he doesn't do it? Yeah, we'll have you do it with a perception check. I'm sorry, with a deception check. Man, I'm all over the place. So are we. It's okay. Hectic recording. And then I guess while I'm saying, sort of saying the words, could Barney like try and like
Recreate the symbol like behind his back with like some what color is it? What symbol the the describe it to me? Can I roll? It's like a Can I can my in game I saw them doing it right? Yeah, so so like it's harder to recall I know what it looks like make You do well like my character literally just saw it Make a intelligence check
So I got the big, you know, shape of it. You know the colors. Can I look right now? Can I look right now with my eyes?
You're trying to think which ones would be visible easily. You could see the one, I guess, on Mateed's leg. So make a perception check. I think you should only let him do it if he could actually recall what it is in real life. Go ahead and draw it. I know exactly what it looks like. I could describe it in perfect detail. 15? Yeah. Chip, you want to tell them? Or Blaine, you want to tell them, I should say? It's a blood drop with a triangle in the middle, but it's upside down. What color is it? Red. No, the triangle. Oh, okay.
Was it black? Nope. White. I was pointing to my face. Rosy cheeks? White. It was a white triangle. Yeah, so Barney will do the... How are you going to try to draw this again? Like, put it kind of hands behind his back.
And I'm going to do it with my mage hand. While I'm talking, I'm going to have one hand behind my back and I'm going to have mage hand behind me. Are they going to use the blood to make the blood? Yeah, using some like the blood that I actually did. The blood from whenever Matit poked me. And then, you know, like ash from, you know, and dirt and stuff and trying to recreate it with my mage hand while I say the mumble the words. Okay, we can give this a try. Why not? This is D&D. We're
Repeat after me. Repeat after me. Unless permitted by Count Dracula. Unless permitted by Count Dracula. So, at this point, what do you do, Barney? Well, my mage hand was doing that symbol kind of like discreetly. Right. And then, I mean, I already drew the blood, right? Mm-hmm. So then I'm like, I don't like your customs.
Ever since, I don't know who it was. Someone described Barney as a boomer like in the last episode or the previous one. I just cannot get that out of my head. Definitely a boomer. Okay. This better not be permanent. I don't want any tattoos. You have a tattoo. Yeah, you got a tattoo at Carcassier. It was not permanent. Okay, so I guess if you're saying that, are you looking at it? Yeah, I mean, do they need to see it?
I mean, they're still there. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, yeah, it's better. You know, when you're going through like Border Patrol and they don't need to see any. I look at it and I'm like, this better not be permanent. All right, make your deception check. 21. Oh, that's pretty good. All right, I'm going to make my insight checks. Plus four on insight. All six of them? Yep. All right.
That's a 21, 5, 17, 17, 3. So you fool three of them, but three of them are unfold. One of them rolled a 20, so they got a 24. So where does that take? Well, they're just kind of still standing there watching you.
This is like when you're traveling with friends and one of them just gets caught by like TSA because they brought like a water bottle like food through. They were just like, come on, we got to get to our flight. Perhaps we shall do the vows again. Repeat after me. Oh God. And that's permitted by Count Dracula. And with that, the six of them vanish with a red mist. That wasn't so hard. Yeah.
I think Micah just pounded his head on the desk. Oh, wait. I had to submit something to customs because... You get the refund when you leave. Okay. Well, no. I have a piece of silver on me, I think. Oh. Yeah, but we have to get inside the sound. Yeah. If he puts it in his bum bag... Yeah, you can try it. It's the sheath pen. Yeah. Yeah. You try sticking it in the bum bag. Are you going to turn it over? I mean, they just disappeared.
I think they're so tired of us. Okay, so shall we continue on? I assume the alchemist also did this, right? Yes. Okay. He'll have done something similar, pricking his finger with a dagger. Sure you don't want to go through it all? Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye. aye
Hey, little stinkers, John here, the voice of your favorite non-binary avian spirit and dirt-loving fear-bog druid. The stupidest intro possible. I got some announcements for some fun stuff that's happening coming up.
that you might want to know about. We got a stream on March 1st at 1 p.m. Central Time, and this is just a for-funsies stream. We're going to be going live at stinkydragonpod.com slash live for everybody, and we're going to be playing Munchkin. I'm so excited. The whole crew's going to show up. We're going to play together. We're going to have a good time. We're going to chill, chat,
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You all press on past the well and eventually reach the summit of the Black Mountain, Vania.
Before you is a village of shadowy stave buildings crafted with wooden spires. The village encircles a towering pinnacle made of glossy black rock. Elga, you know this tower to be the VAMP Spire, your home. Home sweet home.
Well, see you guys later. I guess so. The way you're describing this is that there is clearly like a typical kind of village surrounding this thing. Can we see inhabitants? Yeah, there's people walking around. There's a couple of different like shops. Are they human? There are various animals.
D&D races, you know, walking around this village. Is there any way to be able to tell if like, I'm just curious because it seems like are these the non-vampires that live around Vampspire? It seems like all throughout this village are local non-vampire vanians. So the food...
So this isn't a town consisting of just vampires and undead. But it sounds like the vamp spire is. It's the agriculture that surrounds the actual city. These are the cows. So the vamp spire, is that like a building? Is it like an area section of the town? It's like a pinnacle that's made of glossy black rock. Kind of similar to the rest of the mountain. Like a spire. Like a minister or something.
Sure. I was thinking like the Judge Dredd building. Like where it's built into the mountain kind of thing. Maybe a tower would be like a better way to describe it. Okay. So, Elga, where's your house? You know, I've only been gone a week. But I seem to forget. You know your home is in the Vamspire. Okay.
Well, my home clearly isn't a vampire. So maybe I should go in there and see what's up and maybe see if I could get you guys to come inside. Even though you're not vampires. If Count Dracula invites you in, you'll be able to come. So maybe I'll go give a little chit chat and weasel our way inside. What's your relationship like with Count Dracula?
I mean, I don't know if you're going to be able to answer that right now, but I like, do we know? From the beginning of the campaign, you were a fan of Count Dracula. Right. What's the relationship like? Well, I know that my father is a Count, Count Von Brass, so I imagine there's some type of like royalty or like...
He's like Uncle Dracula. I don't know. So just to reestablish what's been like a while since we talked about all of it. This was your first time leaving the Vam Spire, Elga. So all of this was new to you before. You've lived your entire life within the Vam Spire. Okay. And you're a fan, but you have not talked with Dracula directly. Okay. Oh, okay. Thank you, guys. Sorry, I'm trying to run a balance between like... Yeah, but I've seen him...
Yeah, I mean, he's also would be in the Vamspire. Okay, could I go in? Or do we want to look around the area first? That's a good question. Yeah, well, you're not like right at the base of the Vamspire. You're kind of just like entering the town. The Vamspire is more like in the center of it. You're kind of like on the edge of the town, just kind of getting in. And there's all these like wooden shop, wooden building shops. Does Barney recognize any of this? Make a wisdom check.
13. It seems oddly familiar, but not in a way you can quite put your finger on. Not like you've been here before or something. Just something familiar about it. Dude,
Do the buildings have doors? Yes. We're back to those kinds of cities. I also, can we just like quickly recount everyone's dreams? Because I feel like it's going to have some relevance here. So Barney had a dream where two people were talking with a black spire in the center, which could be the vamp spire. There was one male, one female. There was a heated debate. It was muffle talking. And they said something like, it's not the hour or it's not ours. Barney thinks he might've seen the man before. His blonde hair and a tailored black suit. And then... Blood red necktie.
That was like the connective tissue between all of them. And then Mateed died the same way that Carol did with the two fangs dripping above with a red necktie. That was the one that killed you, right? Yeah. Potentially. And then in Chip's dream, he was talking to Carol. This is all in my house, though. Yeah. And there's a large blue coat guy. Who's Eddie? Okay. Thick.
Was it Eddie? I mean, it said high collar with thick dark hair. Oh. It was like I didn't think anything was descriptive of Eddie. And then I had a dream that my sister was going crazy and then bit me. Yeah, and that was here in the Vans bar. Okay. Thank you. So just to kind of recap those things because I feel like that might be of relevance. Good. Let's make our way through the village. See what we see. Give yourself an inspiration die, Barbara. I really like that. Heck yeah. That focusing of information and recapping. Cool.
Yeah, maybe let's just walk around. You know, I want to work up the courage to go inside. Any cool shops? Yeah, there's several businesses all around. Let's see. There's like you see one, two, three, four, five different businesses that appear to be open with people walking in and out of them in your immediate area. What are they? Yeah, you look around and you see signs on each of the shops in your immediate area. They say Vladbank.
Vlad? Yeah, Vladbank. Lowe's Hanging Fruit, Aldenware's, Marin's Mantlery, and Vaniard Valhara. Where do you want to go? I mean, I wouldn't mind weapons, but also, you know, I got this belt with the fangs and stuff like that. I don't know if this is like a common product, but I do want to see if we could find if someone's selling something like this. Pick a shop. Pick a shop, any shop. Mantlery. What's a mantlery?
Probably something like window shop. Is it a haberdashery? Not quite. So you walk up and try to peek into the window. Sure. Make a perception check. You got it. I will assist. 14. Does he need assistance? You tell me.
Ten. Ten. You're trying to cover his eyes as he's trying to peer through the windows to look inside. I'm just a bird just looking at a glass window, not understanding what it is. You run into it. When he's unconscious on the ground. Just having one of those days. I'm just a bird standing in a...
In front of a boy. Yeah. As you walk up to Marin's, you get like the smell of fresh linens wafting out the door. And when you peek in the window, you see racks of cloaks, capes, scarves, mantles and robes. Ooh. I don't know if we need anything in here.
But, I mean, I don't know. I mean, if you want to, you know, when in Rome. I'll poke my head and say, hey, do you guys sell belts? Specifically ones with fangs? You peek your head in and shout that, which shocks the shopkeeper who was, um,
you know arranging some uh some merchandise. Sorry I'm a tourist from Wisconsin! First time in Vania, I love the place! To your surprise it's a younger male tiefling. Oh! He's got adorable dimples, he's wearing a violet cashmere shawl.
Hello. Maren. Didn't see you there. Your name's Maren? Of course. Why, you speaking to the third person? That's cool. Hey, I'm... Chip says hi. This is Chip. Maren is pleased to meet you. You as well. I reached out in the tiefling way of shaking hands, which is with our tails. Oh, Maren extends his tail and the interlock and do the secret tiefling handshake. Yes. How old would you say he is, Maren? Very young. Like prepubescent. Oh, okay.
Wow, you run your own shop? That's impressive, Marin. Marin has only the finest quality of goods here. Like I said, though, do you got any, like, belts like this? Does this craftsmanship look familiar to you? Or perhaps not another shop that would sell something like this? Yeah. This is Mateed, by the way. They don't have a cool tail like us, but...
They're cool. I have a tail. You can't do the tiefling handshake. I dare you. Mateet starts hovering and floating off the ground. Can you do this? Can you do this? I start jumping. Yeah, yeah. So what? Marin takes a look at it and says, No, Marin doesn't carry any merchandise like this. Marin typically sells cloth goods. Anything of...
magical ability? Oh, yes. Of course. Marin has many fine goods here. Could Marin interest you in a Necrochief or a Shadow Sash? Chip is interested in the Shadow Sash. What is that? Shadow Sash. Allow Marin to show you. Marin picks up a charcoal gray sash that softly emanates smoke. Ooh. The Necrochief and Shadow Sash are on sale currently, and Marin has some full-price merchandise as well.
well marin has the cape of mount bonk mantle of spell resistance and rogues mantle what's rogues mantle oh you have fine taste would you rather marin talk about the shadow sash first or the rogues mantle i hate to be a pain in the butt i kind of want to know what they're all are because i feel like there's some pretty cool stuff here at least those two i think sound good for you yeah rogues mantle and shadow sash marin already has the shadow sash in hand so allow marin to explain this one i keep
I keep forgetting he's talking in third person. The Shadow Sash allows for abilities such as Accurate Assassination and Veiled in Vapor. Tell me more. What is Accurate Assassination? Metagame-wise, if you roll a 1 on a damage die for your sneak attack ability, you can roll the die again, but you must use a new roll.
Okay. And then the vapor thing is probably some sort of like... Whenever you kill a creature on your turn, you can take a free action to become invisible via a waft of smoke at the end of that turn. That's pretty neat. And that lasts until the end of your next turn or until you attack or cast a spell. Okay. And then what does the rogue thing do? Mantle. Rogue mantle. Oh, yes. This is quite an in-demand item. This dark hooded mantle of thick cloth is infused with secretive, deceptive magic.
While wearing it, you gain the following benefits: Darkvision, moving shadows, and willful enmity. I don't need any of that stuff. Uh, well, how much is the, uh, the, the, the shadow sash? You're in luck. Marin's having a sale on the shadow sash currently. It could be yours for the low price of 50 HP. Oh, that's a unique hit point. Hey, Marin! The currency is blood. What if I had gold or platinum instead?
Oh, that's worthless. Oh. Marin doesn't want that. I love it. It's not like off your like total age, like permanently, right? It's just like taking a hit kind of thing. Hemopieces are units of currency here in Vania. Have you not been here before?
This is my first time. Oh, well, you must first go to the Vlad Bank and make an exchange to get some Hema pieces, if you wish to purchase anything here. Oh, totally knew that. Yeah. Uh, okay. I'm gonna go to the Vlad Bank real quick. When you toot, Marin, do you make marinara? I'm so sorry for my friend, Marin. We'll be back. See you later, Marin. He loses an inspiration bag.
Oh, it says on Chip's character sheet he's level six now. He's calmed down.
Should we... Let's go to the Vladbank! Vladbank. You walk over to the Vladbank and walk inside, and inside is a blood-stained wooden counter lit by a single candle illuminating a single teller wearing a name tag that says Ravenwirth. It's a middle-aged human woman. She's fiddling with a small knife. She's got patchy dark blue hair. She's covered in scars and wearing a black vest. Bonjour! We are here to get some currency from you. Ooh, my... uh, customers, okay. Can't handle this.
Wait, Elga, would you have any in savings? My name Elga Von Brath. Look up my account, please.
And not count, but account. That's good. This is good. Oh, yes, of course, the Von Brath. Your father's account is plentiful. Okay, excellent. I would like to make a withdrawal. I don't see your name as a signatory here. That's odd. You know how you let your children have access to your bank account. Perhaps if you bring Count Von Brath here, he can make a withdrawal on your behalf. Yes, I see why you would need that. But is he not cool?
Is Elga a trust fund baby? Does Elga maybe have something to do? No, no. No Count Von Broth here recently. So strange. You might be forgetting when he called you and said that his daughter would be coming to make a hefty withdrawal. I definitely remember that. No, no. I definitely would remember that. Yeah. What kind of creature is he? A middle-aged human woman. Would that help? Would that help you? I mean, I could cast a spell and try and...
I feel like we've already ruffled enough feathers in this town. I don't want to get booted or attacked. How might we exchange for some emo coins? Oh, emo pieces. Yes, yes, yes. For every drop of blood you exchange, you receive one emo piece. And then what is a drop of blood to our characters? Metagame-wise, it's one hit point. Like damage or permanent damage? Just damage. Okay.
You provide the blood, and it must be fresh, and you can extract it however you wish, as long as it is red and wet. Does a medicant perspective as well question the blood that Elga has in her sippy cup, does that count for anything? It has to be fresh. Fresh. Okay.
Okie dokie. I'm so on my guard. I honestly don't think that I would do the transfer because I feel like we've been attacked and so many things have happened that I don't know that I'd want to make myself that vulnerable. I take my spear out, I cut my hand and give them 55 drops. It's not an exact science, unfortunately. You have to roll damage from your spear and see how much damage you take. So I have to keep hitting myself with the spear? Yes.
That's brutal. All right, let's do this. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. This is a little bit of a gamble. You don't know when it's going to stop. Let's do this. Rolling for damage. 11. You see Raven birth start pulling out some tokens. She starts pulling out crimson tokens with the Vanian sigil branded on it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. The Vanian symbol, I'm guessing, is the blood drop with the white. Correct. Let's let it ride. That's another...
10 for a total of 21. She pulls out 10 more. It's like at a casino. It's like chips, a little pile of them. It's kind of dark when you think about it, how people come in here to get these pieces. I'm just like, yeah, I just slaughtered someone. I got some money in return. That was 12 for a total of 33. Let's keep going. That's another 8. 41. Keep going. Oh.
What was I? You're at 41, so that's now 53. 12. I'm at 3 HP. Oh my god. I literally can't roll anything else that wouldn't kill me. Here you go. Raven birth hands over. What did I say? 53? Hemo. I have 3 HP? Yeah. Yeah.
What happens if Jacques scratches me? Or Gigi? Have we established Gigi? No. I would say, you know, it wouldn't be much damage. I would say Gigi would probably do like a D2's worth of damage. Okay. So roll a D4. One and two is one. Three and four is two.
54. Go for the gold. So I'm at 2 HP. Yeah. So now you have, what did we say? 52? Yeah. 52 hemo pieces. Oh, then I have... 54. 54. 54. So I have 2 HP left. Yeah. No. No.
Don't! What if Mateed dies here? Oh, he did it! I rolled a one! Fifty-five! I'm a monk! I'm made of precision! You did it! I give him a big slap for that! Dead. Mateed's got fifty-five humo pieces. Yeah! I'm dripping with money. That was fun, guys. We should do this more often. What are you guys going to do?
Matide just faints. Do you have a glass of orange juice I could have? Can Barney do, I guess, a peel of alleviation on Matide? What does that do? It heals you. 1d6 plus 5 hit points. Yeah. More money!
do i roll you roll it i i'd roll it oh you roll it that's yeah six plus five so that's eleven and then i'm also gonna give you a i think i have a healing potion and like i what i would i'd probably hold on to it i feel like i yeah but wouldn't we like i don't know we're in a safe fish place right i don't know what'd you give so what are you giving me 11 hit points
You have healing. And then I'm also going to do, I'll cast Healing Word at the second level. So that's 2d4 plus 5. All right. Go ahead and roll that. That's 8. So a total of 19? Yeah. Mateed cuts themselves again. No! No!
I was waiting for it. I was like, I don't know why Barney's doing this, but he's just gonna immediately convert it. I was like, he didn't even ask. He just started healing. I was like, I know what the next step here is. John was very quiet. Something had to be going on.
Just gonna do a talent attack. No, Barney grabs you. Barney, Barney, Barney. Eight. Barney grabs. Too late. I think a monk would be able to evade you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we roll for it? You cannot stop them, Barney. I turn incorporeal while he tries to grab. Then you can't hurt yourself. I can turn back whenever I want. So another eight, yeah, Raven birth, eight.
That's 14 Forgot the Jones insane
And that's something you know. You can say that, but Mateed's rich now. I have, I had 20. I'm now down to six again. Correct. I have a total of 69 coins right now. Nice. I don't have anything that could do that little damage, so I'm going to do a couple of gg scratches. Just really milk the... I'm going to do two gg scratches. Okay. Okay.
That's a two and a four, so that's one and two. So I'm down to three HP. That's an easy gg scratch right there. That's a gg scratch. That's a four. I'm back down to one again. I'm back down to one again. So what do you have? I have, uh, so 55 plus 19. So... 74. 74. Yeah. Emo pieces. I thought it was so kind of you to do that. Now I have so much more money to go spend and do some shopping. You really... Do you want to... Do you have any more? Do you want to do some more? I, you know... This place is evil.
This would be an abomination of a place to Barney. It's just like a place that's like uses life as currency. I-I-I-this is great. It's like- it's an allegory for capitalism. Yeah. Lead and spend. I kinda wanna- now I kinda wanna- I won over Chip! I won over Chip! I'm just gonna do it in rapid succession. I'm gonna pull out my crossbow and just shoot myself a couple times. His crossbow?! Chip, if you want I could help you and make this go faster. Six! Yeah, go ahead! Six, four, ten...
Hey, does bonus HP count? 13. What do you mean bonus HP? Does bonus HP count towards it? 21. Like temp HP? Yeah. Yeah. You were saying bonus HP. That's why I was like. 29. No, he can do what he wants.
33. I-I-I- Chips max is 53. 38. Chips just shooting a crossbow into his leg. 46. No, I think his head. He's just shooting into his head. 51. You got 2 HP. Maybe I stopped. GG.
150 chances to survive this. Do it. Do it. Ah, Carol's dead. What do I got to live for? What a rip, GG. Okay, it's a roll of D4. A one and two is success. A three and four is you're down to zero.
That's a one! Yeah! Look at that. 52. Make sure you all write down how many chemo pieces you all have because I'm not keeping track of that. Well, I just got to damage myself and I'll just make the math. Damage. You have, I think, 52. 52. I've done it! What is me? Let's go, Missy, and we're going to spend money! We're going to Vegas next. Shopping spree! Vaniagus. Yeah, Vaniagus. Let's go to the slots. Okay.
I could take out something from my dad's account. Of course. Once you bring Count Van Brath here, we'll happily do that. You know, I'll follow up. We'll be here. All right. Ravenverse looks at Barney. What about you, sir?
Money, Barney. I believe you've taken enough from us. We don't take, we exchange. We have a very fair exchange rate here at the Vladbank. Matisse just in the corner, like flipping one of the hemo pieces. What happens if you give a hemo piece back? Then we'll consider it a deposit. Yeah. You don't get that to your health? No, there's no, unfortunately, there's no way to do that.
You know, Barney, you know, if we get attacked in this town, it could be bad for me and Mateen. Do you have any, like, healing things, like group heals? I really just am feeling really vulnerable. Barney's about to, like, clunk both of y'all in the head and drag you out. Okay. No hemo pieces for Elga. Not right now. No hemo pieces for Barney. Let's go shop. Take your blood money. No! No!
I will take it to the bank. Ah, too late. I'm already there. Barn, you go and give yourself an inspiration. I like that one. Yeah, where do you all want to go? Do you want to go back to Marin's Mattlery or do you want to go somewhere else? What else was there again? You want your sash? I could probably hold off if I find something better. I'm in need of a weapon. A blood bonk, of course. Lowe's Hanging Fruit. Alden Wears. Marin's Mattlery. And Vineyard Valhalla. Let's go to Vineyard Valhalla. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
You all walk over in that direction, and it's an outdoor wine bar. They have a bunch of patrons sitting under shade trellises, sipping from goblets and flutes. There's a bartender there who appears to be a female goblin. She's currently holding a corkscrew wearing a blood-stained apron. Bonjour. We are visiting your fair city for the first time. What is it that you offer at your fine establishment? Oh, welcome. I'm Valhera. Pleased to meet you.
Uh, we have a fine assortment of beverages. She motions behind her, and you see that behind Valhara sit stacks and stacks of barrels with thin tubes spiraling out, funneled into wine bottles. Why don't you make me a perception check, Mateed? Can we also tell if she, is it like a stutter or is she nervous? You can make me an insight check, Elga. Good catch. 19. Mateed, you notice that the barrels shudder or moan every now and then. Ha ha ha!
Oh my God. Also, I did a nat 20 on my insight check. This place is delightful. You may think that maybe it's not necessarily fear. Okay. But it's not like her speech. It's not like a stutter in her speech kind of thing. Yeah, it's kind of like just a general stutter of the speech. You would assume so based on your insight check. Okay. Are all of your beverages, let's say, blood-based? Or do you have things that are for those of a different palate?
Oh, um... This is all various vein varieties. Now, are these... Would you prefer a dark vein variety or a light vein variety? Are these cruelty-free sourced, or... Oh, yes. Grass bed, or... Farm to table. Elga, would you like to have something? This place seems to be geared towards you. Yes, uh...
Barney just leaves. I would love a glass. What would you recommend? We have a dark vein variety, Rote Rosso, Luna Noir, or the light vein varieties like a Gundak Seko or a Jaculi Blanc. Have the noir one, please. Maybe in a vintage, yeah. A selenological essence fused with the delicate malicious undertones. She pours you a glass of it.
That's one HP. I toss a coin. Oh, thank you, my dear. My pleasure. So is it like... You said the barrels were shaking? And moaning. Yeah. So is it like someone, a living creature's in there? I don't know. No, it's like, you know, at Disneyland when there's like a little attraction, it's like all for show. Is there someone...
Is there a creature in that barrel? Who are you asking? What's their name? Her name is Valhara. Valhara. Oh, no, that's a vein variety source. Can I insight? Yeah.
You think that she is being honest about it being about what she said? No, but was she, when I asked if there was something living in it? She said it's a vain variety source. Does that mean there's something living in it? Living...
Um, maybe. Mm-hmm. You're very inquisitive. He's new here. Don't mind him. What kind do you want? She's asking you, Barney. I don't want anything. Say kiss! Your loop luna noir is very delicious, Elga. Does it do anything to me? You think it may be direwolf blood. You've had this before. Hmm.
Hints of dire and hints of wolf. Notes of wolf. She's spinning the glass around in her little hand. That's exactly how, like, a little kid would play, like, at a whiner. She drinks it and it leaves, like, a little milk mustache. It's horrible. Got dire wolf? Yeah. No, it doesn't give you any effect. Okay.
Okay. What was that other place? It was the Wares. Olden Wares. Let's go there. Are you good, Erica? I think so. So you said these were like, you said vein sources? Vein varieties. Vein varieties. Vein varieties. I'm looking for the pun or the hidden meaning. Well, they said it was like different. You know, it's like if you feed a cow grass or if you feed it, you know, butter. Yeah.
Thank you, Valhalla. I guess we'll go now. Walking away, I think Barney is just like, I hope you enjoy your day. Thank you. I hope you enjoy your day too, sir. I'm not talking to you. Are you talking to me? I'm talking to you. For all you know, that could be my family. Is your family a dire wolf?
No, but they could have ended up in the same... I don't know. So it's all fun and games. I'm glad you're having a good time. Thank you, Barney. I'm having a great time, actually. It's just Elka swirling. We're dripping out of her mouth. Barney's imagining his family locked in a barrel and being bled dry. Well, that seems like a you problem. Yeah.
I have not done anything bad. I have given my blood and that's all I've done. And now I'd like to go see what they have at the Oldenwares, Bonnie. Is that okay with you? Yes. Okay, thank you. We'll go. Thank you. As you all are walking over to the sign that says Oldenwares, you see a crowd forming near the middle of town in front of the vamp spire. In the center are a few people shouting at the top of their lungs. Okay.
Dracula? More like Draculaire! Uh oh. Your own so-called leader has broken the Vainian vows himself. And yet he refuses to answer for himself! The crowd begins to grumble and shuffle closer. You catch a glimpse of three protesters interlocking arms blocking the entrance to the Vanspire. They start shouting in unison: You can bite! We won't budge! Till we get some oversight! People in the crowd start to shout at the protesters. Where do you come off?
Yeah, Dracula would never break the vows. Who do you think you are anyway? The protester in the center steps onto a pedestal and you finally see it's a fetching woman with green eyes, fading long auburn hair, wearing a floral patterned blouse. She looks familiar. Our names aren't important, but our co- is! The alchemist's jaw drops. That's... that's my wife! Francesca! The crowd becomes irate and starts charging straight for the three protesters. Francesca!
Find out what happens in the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. I hope they get here faster than us. Yeah, I didn't think we'd be seeing Frankie. Well, we had a bit of a detour. That's true. What were we doing? Parish! Oh.
All right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. We'll see you guys next week. This show is directly supported by First Members. We love them. We adore them. We hug them with consent. And you can become one, as always, at StinkyDragonPod.com slash first. I want to shout out some amazing little stinkers like at Lansun or at MirandaLorianK. They couldn't get enough, so they became a First Member just to watch Second Wind. That's what I heard down the street. We got SukiRosla. We got Darfs.
Darf's years is a fun one to say. And we got Armalika, Armalika, both. I'm saying both. Both are proper pronunciations. And they discovered us through reels, specifically this one reel about vertical staircases, which don't exist. They're all directly supporting the show and they get access to great content. Everyone knows this. Everyone's listening to Second Wind or watching Second Wind or they're joining us in our subscriber-only Discord channels and events.
I know you've already heard this. I'm sure you're already a first member. But if you're not, or if you've got a friend who's not, go to stinkydragonpod.com slash first and subscribe today. That'd be cool. We can't thank you enough for your support. Some cool listeners that interact with us on social media and Discord, they had their NPCs named after them this episode, which is super cute. We had Maren the Modest, who is inspired by Talahia, who is a first member, voiced by Keri Shawcross, at Keri Shawcross. We had Ravenworth the Teller, that was inspired by DV Ravenworth, who is a first member, and Valhara.
The connoisseur was inspired by Child of Chaos, who is also a first member. Additionally, the alchemist was voiced by BlizzBear, who can be found at BlizzBear. The Sferatu were voiced by David Sonnier, at David underscore Sonnier. Francesca Esteban was voiced by Jessica Vasami, at Jessica Vasami. The Stinky Dragon channel is managed by Ben Ernst. This episode of Tales from Stinky Dragon was produced by Kai Cook, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger, with additional editing work by David Sonnier.
Head on over to stinky dragon pod.com slash first for all things, sneaky and toot in next time for another thrilling episode of tales from the stinky dragon. I'm sorry.
I did not mean to roll initiative. I guess, Elga, you better make a reflex save or something. No, that was an accident. I fidget when I'm uncomfortably fidget and I clicked initiative. Well, in that case, Elga rolls initiative.
